#maybe make a new blog idfk anymore

[rvyalfamily]

i think i am going to call it quits on here.

[mcytgender]

.

[pan-magi]

Heads up that I won't have much to post for a while. I'm moving! Back home for a bit while I'm figuring stuff out (like not being broke). Before, when I mentioned my slow activity I left for a few years. Don't worry, I'm not planning on doing that. I have a backlog of... shitpost ideas, which I will post when I have time. If I have the sudden urge and energy to get some of my longer text posts done then I'll try to do them. Any edits and gifs though will be on the back burner for a while.

(That's the gist of it. If you want a mental health discussion and my general thought process on tumblr, read more if curious. It's more of the vein of "tumblr is an addictive website for me" than "this site is destructive and damning." jsyk)

I know I have it in my blog description that the blog is semi-archived. I have been doing my best though to at least post somewhat regularly. The rate for posting may not be fast per number of posts but for me working on them it is very time and energy consuming (yay executive dysfunction and undiagnosed ADHD woo). It doesn't help either not using Photoshop anymore making gifs is lot less streamlined (get all my necessary screenshots frame by frame and organize them -> edit each individually -> put them together with final edits to make a gif. All in 3 separate programs). My wallet appreciates the decision at least.

The thing is I put that in the description not for the lack of time I have to do stuff but the opposite. I have a lot of empty time to fill. Tumblr is one of the few social media sites I actually use and even with the ability to curate your dash (maybe in part because of it), it is easy for tumblr to be addictive without noticing it. That's with me not bothering with the app. I do check a lot with the mobile browser though. I knew with my attention span and how I tend to do or not get things done that being consistently active would not be the best for me personally. Not bad, per say, but not great.

I love you all. It's been great to see a few of my older followers still interact with my posts from time to time. It's nice to see new ones and the Magi fandom in general getting new people coming in, maybe just for the tumblr side or maybe new altogether, when the series has been complete for years. When I say tumblr is not good for me, I don't mean you. Lots of love for everyone /platonically, my aroace ass wants to clarify and add on a giant thank you for no aphobic hate by anyone here either. I would not have trusted to come out on tumblr even if I had my identity figured out when I was active before.

I do want to keep people satisfied. Analytics shouldn't matter on this hellsite, and they don't, not really. I don't care about what the number is but seeing any notes on my posts is a quick dopamine rush. "Yay, I made someone smile." If I have a free moment, I'm like "I should check tumblr," or "I should work on post for blog." I enjoy what I make and enjoy doing it. However, it's become more attempting to be active and getting something out there despite saying I will manage juggling all sorts of different stuff better. I'm not doing other recreational stuff I want to do. I'm behind on games, movies, books, creative shit outside of tumblr, watching Magi for at least the fifth time... If I have a free moment I'm "work on tumblr post."

It's dumb. I should be able to manage shit better. Again, ADHD. Or maybe it's something else. IDFK.

All this to say that I'm taking the excuse of moving to force myself out of the tumblr sphere. I won't have the time or energy to get larger time-consuming posts done. I might as well focus on something else when I have the opportunity.

I am not planning on disappearing. I do like it here. Stayed too long at the spa though and need to get out and get cool, fresh air. I have short, borderline/actual shitposts I want to get done, as mentioned up top. One may be up in the next week. Who knows though? I don't. What I do know is that if I post something over the summer it will be because it is something I want to get done, when I want it to get done. No rushing myself pointlessly. It will be little things though. Bigger edits and gifs aren't hard yet tedious and draining when I'll be buried in boxes and working on home repairs for the immediate future.

Everyone take care of yourselves out there. If you read all this, thanks! Now, I've spent over an hour working on this when it was supposed to take me 15-20 minutes, and I need to sleep lol.

[f1ck-em-all]

Thank you my loves @querencva and @sirlewismybeloved for tagging me!

What colour are your eyes? brown

What instantly tells you if a person is good? I’m known among my friends for having gut feelings about people. It’s an intuitive thing more than anything, I just somehow know what places/people just give off bad vibes, and it’s been proved right more times than I can count

Do you have a recurring dream? I used to when I was little, I’d be in the back of my mom’s old car and it would just start rolling back out of the driveway by itself

What is the most interesting class you have taken? I had an anthropology course last semester that was fascinating, deconstructed a lot of preconceived ideas I have about humans in general

How often do you find yourself day dreaming? I zone out more than daydream, disassociation truly hits dif

Name/Nickname: Only have nicknames with my family and Russian-speaking friends, they call me Polya, and my mom calls me Ponchik (cream puff), Polinka Malinka (the dimunivitive version of Polina Raspberry), or -- and this one’s fuckin wild, my old daycare nanny gave me this one -- Polivanaria Tavricheskaya (don’t ask me to explain it idfk how to)

Zodiac: scorpio

Height: 5'4" and a bit

Nationality: Ukrainian-American

Favourite colour: navy blue and forest green

Favourite season: fall

Favourite animals: exposing myself here: former horse girl lmao, but nowadays artic foxes and otters

Favourite fictional characters: Aragorn, Eowyn, Loki, Bucky Barnes, Shang-Chi

Tea, coffee or hot chocolate? tea

Average hours of sleep? depends on the day, but I’ve been consistently hitting 8 hours lately

Cat or dog person: both? neither? I’m allergic to cats but it doesn’t stop me from loving the little things

Number of blankets slept with: 1, but usually a super thick duvet regardless of the temperature

Places ancestors are from: Ashkenazi Jewish (so the HRE region), Russia, Ukraine, Mongolia (v distant), Poland, etc.

Dream trip: New Zealand, my little LOTR loving heart has to make it there someday

Blog established: my other account @musicismysafety I’ve been using since mid-2014, this one I made back in March when I decided I needed something separate for F1

Random fact about yourself: I’m learning Korean since that’s where I am at the moment!

Three ships: I’m gonna leave this one blank, I feel weird romantically shipping real people (love the lore tho, so maybe brocedes would fall into this category since nico is feral and i find it hilarious) and as for fictional ships I just don’t really engage with that kind of content anymore

Last song: starlight by HERD

Last movie: Watched the Schumacher doc earlier this week, and then before that saw Shang-Chi in theaters twice (I’m whipped leave me alone)

Currently reading: Embassytown by China Mieville (I’m confused af by it if anyone has read it could you please explain)

Currently watching: Lots of YouTube, and Gilmore Girls

Currently craving: homemade food, hugs, and the feeling of falling in love

tagging (but feel free to ignore!): @geooooooorge @vonderlast @sirlewis44 @babssionate

[archiveofolives]

tagged by @captainmrvels, tyvm!! here's the funny thing tho: i don't watch tv shows anymore :D sometime between 2014 and now, i decided it was no use pretending and completely stopped trying to catch up with the episodes i'd missed so i'm just going to sort of retrofit this questionnaire to make it applicable to me! i hope that's ok ❤️❤️❤️

Pick 5 shows fandoms, then answer the following questions (don’t cheat!)

marvel (oh i just realized the avengers have a cartoon series!)

ff7 (errr movie and oav?)

ace attorney (it has an anime! does that count)

star wars (eh)

his dark materials (hey this one at least has a tv show coming out soon)

1. Who is your favorite character in 2?

it's this guy cloud strife, you may have heard of him from my blog lmao

2. Who is your favorite in 1?

WE ARE LOKI ON MAIN FOR A REASON, BABY

3. What’s your favorite episode of 4?

HA this one worked like a charm. ummm probably episode 7 bc that made me feel Things and i loved rewatching it as compared to the others. altho if we bring in every other movie in-between, it's obviously rogue one. BUT i DO have a special place in my heart for episode 1! i've been a star wars fan since i was a kid thanks to my dad but i was obsessed with episode 1, it really pushed all the right buttons for me. like i wouldn't call it a solid movie next to episode 7 but man is it a classic!

4. what’s your favorite season of 5?

i think i will love every season when they do come out but book-wise, i think you can't beat the level of wonder of northern lights/golden compass, depending on which edition your bookstores sold. my REAL absolute favorite tho has got to be once upon a time in the north bc the leads are basc my two favorite characters lmao

5. Who’s your favorite couple in 3?

OH MAN mia fey and godot! i'm such a trash for tragic relationships and i think they looked very handsome together!

6. Who’s your favorite couple in 2?

cloud and aerith—my home ship since 20 years ago and the reason, i think, a lot of my ships tend to be on the tragic side >.>;; but i just love the tropes they're hitting, you know? and then how their colors and characters complement each other, i think they're a very attractive couple

7. Least favorite episode movie of 1?

movie bc it's easier than the comics lmao. but probably dr strange? icn say it's civil war bc it has spider-man, black panther and ant-man which for me are the only things really worth seeing in there but dr strange doesn't really even have that much of a hook for me to begin with. i wouldn't have gone and seen it if not bc of my team who wanted to see it for our team building excursion lol

8. Favorite episode of 5?

find me anything with lee scoresby in it baby!!!

9. Favorite season installment of 2?

i think i will forever be devoted to the classic polygon game, the one that started it all, y'know? but i'm really excited for the remake and i really enjoyed ff7ac/c! i also have not played the other games in the compilation bc money and time lmao (says the woman who just spent 12 hours on the game yesterday like some high schooler >.>;;; i just got aerith's great gospel and i already miss her ;_;)

10. How long have you watched 1?

i have been a clown since 2012

11. How did you become interested in 3?

we got a ds lite!! and then everyone kept raving about the phoenix wright game so my sister got it for us and then one day, i just decided to watch and help her play the third case and now, it's part of how we bond. we've always solved cases together ever since, they're much easier and less creepier that way

12. Favorite actor in 4?

oh wow, another lucky hit! ummm ewan mcgregor? i was a huge fan of his obi-wan kenobi like, icn remember calling other characters my favorite after his obi-wan anymore. so i'm really excited he's going to reprise the role, finally!!

13. Which do you prefer, 1, 2, or 5?

oh god, probably 2?? bc between the three of them, ff7 has had the biggest influence in my life. like seriously, the reason i'm in my job rn is bc of it—i went to college to take up computer science bc i wanted to make games like ff7 lmao but that didn't work out bc calculus is the worst. STILL it pushed me to the right direction of being in stem!

14. Which have you seen more episodes new releases of, 1 or 3?

i'm gonna have to say 1 for the obvious reason that they've released more movies than 3 has released games bc they're the products of an entertainment tycoon, you know? while with 3, there's still a part of it that still feels like a passion project and i haven't seen the anime yet lmao.

15. If you could be anyone from 4 who would you be?

i'd be a rebel. when i was a kid, i wanted to be a jedi, tho, lol

16. Would a crossover between 3 and 4 work?

ACE ATTORNEY IN SPACE. SPACE ATTORNEY AHAHAHAHAHA. i mean WHY NOT, you've got coruscant, you've got imperial sympathizers sowing discontent to lead to the first order (i think), you've got other separatists while we're at it, smuggling, bounty hunting, the fall of the jedi order. especially after rotj, i can imagine how active the courtrooms were with the war criminals and the petty ones taking advantage of the shift of government. the feys are obviously of the force, the von karmas could be a family linked to sympathizers, maybe nick is even attuned to the force which is why mia singled him out! it's easy to work out the whole thing ❤️

17. Pair two characters in 1 who would make an unlikely but strangely ok couple.

but marvel is already doing that job for me lmao. ummmm jane and roz solomon? but it's not unlikely bc they ARE friends and roz was the first person jane confided to about being thor. really icn think of anything off the top of my head, i'm not a shippy kind of person unless the canon lays it out before me and i get convinced. which, in itself, is rare.

18. Overall which show franchise has a better storyline, 1 or 3?

3, hands down. i'd much rather miss more movies of 1 than new releases of 3. it's in the quality of the storytelling, y'know? which isn't to say i loved all games lol i mean honestly, if you ask me? i'd tell you apollo justice is a huge au.

19. Which has better theme music, 2 or 4?

OH THIS IS A GOOD QUESTION. you're asking me who did it better, john williams or nobuo uematsu??? damn, they're both solid composers with amazingly timeless pieces but from my biased point of view, you can't beat nobuo uematsu. his work on final fantasy as compared to williams' work on star wars is more varied and he freaking makes MIDI sound like an orchestra!! and, he was the fucking soundtrack of my childhood. i was SO lucky to have been raised in a generation where he still did the music to all final fantasy games.

tagging: OH NO I DON'T KNOW WHO TO TAG DDDD: ummm @summoneryuna watches lots of shows, right??? @egregiousderp but with anime?? @safarikalamari just bc???? lmao idfk

[ahmuteun]

All pleease

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

Uuuuhhhhh n LOL whoops

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Depends on the situation but I think I’m more on the shy side

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

heheHEEHEHEHEH LET’S NOT GO THERE

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I mean I think so but idk

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

O boy

I mean he has the one time I died soooo

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Idfk man, I don’t have a type

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

LOL idk I’ll probably die single but I’ve been wrong before. H and t would probably say yes buT WE DON’T KNOW THE FUTURE NOW DO WE???

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

It depends on the context/ situation

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Uummmmm I’m not sure, it was probably h or n maybe??

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“When do u wanna go?”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Moonlit lilac sky - jas

You and me - yoon mi rae

Countless - shinee

All night - soyou

History - rich brian

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yeah it’s nice

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Eeehhhhhh I guess I believe in luck but I do believe in miracles

15. What good thing happened this summer?

HAH

I mean I don’t know if I can list just one good thing that happened because, aside from all the drama and crap that went down, it was a good summer spent with people that I care about and created good memories with

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I mean I plan on it so yes

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

I do cause statistically speaking, it’s so unlikely that we’re the only living things in the universe, even if it’s just tiny little microbes

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Nah, I hardly ever spoke to him cause I was a shy little third grader LOL

19. Do you like bubble baths?

I don’t like baths at all lmao

20. Do you like your neighbors?

I mean I only talked to one of them but he seems chill so sure

21. What are your bad habits?

Procrastinating and making bad decisions™

22. Where would you like to travel?

Korea, but I still wanna go to Canada for spring break. Or just visit New York

23. Do you have trust issues?

Yep LOL

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Idk I don’t think I have a favorite part

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Most of it LOL but specifically my belly and arms/ shoulders

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Wonder why I woke up before my alarm or snooze my alarm LOL

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

I’m already super pale and I’m fine with that so neither

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My best buds: jen, cat, h, n, and t

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Oof I mean I don’t really have one so nah

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Let’s cross that bridge when/ if we get there LOL

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

I would cry if it wasn’t

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Idk man I can’t be bothered to figure out two celebrities I would want to bang

33. Spell your name with your chin.

No

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

HAH no

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

Tv, easily

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

O yeah

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Idk I guess I just try to keep the conversation going however I can

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

I don’t have one

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Forever21, h&m, idk that’s it I think

40. What do you want to do after high school?

I’m already in college so

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

No, it depends on the situation

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

It depends lmao wot

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Depends

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Space cause that’s probably safer

Wait no, bottom of the ocean and I can just fuckin die LOL

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

The fact that I have shit I need to do

46. What are you paranoid about?

People finding out my secrets I guess??? Or something happening to the people I care about

47. Have you ever been high?

Nah, I mean I was once I got my wisdom teeth out but I don’t think that counts lol

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Yep LOL

Side note: my tolerance is not what it used to be :c

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

I mean people are already finding out so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

HAHAHA pink lmao

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Maybe when I was younger but not anymore

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My body/ weight lmao

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Idk, I have a lot of tarte stuff so probably tarte

54. Favourite store?

Foverver21 probably

55. Favourite blog?

Idk I don’t have one

56. Favourite colour?

Blue

57. Favourite food?

KOREAN FOOD

58. Last thing you ate?

A sandwich

59. First thing you ate this morning?

A banana pancake

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Idk I don’t think so

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

No, I’m a fuckin pansy

62. Been arrested? For what?

nOPE

63. Ever been in love?

I thought I was at one point but looking back, no

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

It’s honestly v underwhelming and not worth telling

65. Are you hungry right now?

I’m rlly full rn but h wants to go get pho with n later so hopefully by then I will be lmao

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

Nah, I don’t think I ever could cause my real friends have done so much for me

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Idk both cause I use both

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Nah I’m watching youtube

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Jen, cat, h, n, and t

71. Craving something? What?

BOBA FUCK

72. What colour are your towels?

White

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Two if I’m at my own apartment LOL wot

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Nah

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Like three?? I had more but my mom got rid of them :c

75. Favourite animal?

My bb duke

76. What colour is your underwear?

Black

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Vanilla I think? It depends

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

I’m too indecisive to have a flavor lmao

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Black

80. What colour pants?

Black LOL

81. Favourite tv show?

Grey’s anatomy

How to get away with murder

Brooklyn 99

Criminal minds

Idk there’s probably more but I can’t think of them

82. Favourite movie?

I have too many

The prestige

Star wars

Indiana jones

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

I never saw the second one so

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

I never saw jump street lmao

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

I don’t have one

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

I dunno, squirt was cute

87. First person you talked to today?

N LOL

88. Last person you talked to today?

Wait it was also probably n LOL

89. Name a person you hate?

I don’t hate anyone

90. Name a person you love?

My brothers

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

yES O MY GOD

92. In a fight with someone?

No not really???

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Like one lmao

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Well sweaters idk but I own like two hoodies but idk where one of them is soooo

95. Last movie you watched?

Uhhh venom I think?

96. Favourite actress?

Idk I don’t have one

97. Favourite actor?

See above

98. Do you tan a lot?

I’m called “ghost” for a reason so no LOL

99. Have any pets?

Yep

100. How are you feeling?

Very full lmao

101. Do you type fast?

I mean I can type at a relatively quick speed

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Yep LOL

103. Can you spell well?

No not really lmao, but I’m not completely awful at it

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Uh, I mean if I can’t think of anyone I guess I don’t

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Nah

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

LOL I mean apparently

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yeah

108. What should you be doing?

Going home and getting ready

109. Is something irritating you right now?

I mean kind of

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Uh no?

111. Do you have trust issues?

Wasn’t I asked this already??

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Everyone at tsdon lmao

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Uhhh “court” or “court court” as Jonathan would say lol

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Ye, I go to school out of state

115. Do you play the Wii?

Not really anymore

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Still watching youtube lol

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Ye

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Ye, I really want egg drop soup

119. Favourite book?

Idk man

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Nah

121. Are you mean?

I mean I like to think that I’m generally a nice person or I try to be

122. Is cheating ever okay?

On tests/ assignments, sure. On people, no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

I just wash them lol

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

No cause I’m not a fuckin idiot lmao

125. Do you believe in true love?

Idfk man

126. Are you currently bored?

Meh I’m not that bored

127. What makes you happy?

Spending time with my mates/ loved ones

128. Would you change your name?

Probably not

129. What your zodiac sign?

Gemini woooo

130. Do you like subway?

Ye

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

HAH jokes on u, he used to but I already rejected his bitchass

He’s still one of my best friends tho, I’m really glad to have met him

Holy shit, that was like around this time last year woah

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Didn’t I answer this too???

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

The lyrics from moonlit lilac sky by jas, you and me by yoon mi rae, and honestly by eric nam

134. Can you count to one million?

I mean I could but I don’t want to

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

I dunno I can’t recall rn

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Open cause the ac unit is in the other room

137. How tall are you?

5’2, I’m smol

138. Curly or Straight hair?

My hair is straight/ kinda wavy

But if u mean preference then idk I don’t have one

139. Brunette or Blonde?

I don’t have a preference

140. Summer or Winter?

Winter, I hate the heat

141. Night or Day?

I like both

142. Favourite month?

Any fall or spring months

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Hell no lmao

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

I like dark and milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

TEA cause I’m a little bitch and I don’t like the taste of coffee

146. Was today a good day?

Yeah, I mean I hated working out but it was still a good day

147. Mars or Snickers?

I’m not crazy about either

148. What’s your favourite quote?

Idk, the quotes I used to really like don’t really apply anymore

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes, cause I am one LOL

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

I’m in the study section of the library and I can’t be bothered to go find a book in the stacks so I’ll pass lmao

[foundcarcosa]

ccvii.

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? >> Height isn’t important to me. I’m slightly taller than Can Calah, shorter than Eden, and substantially smaller in general than Vinternoll, and that’s the way I like it. (I am usually around the same height in headspace as I am in meatspace) 2: What’s your dream pet (real or not)? >> Gaudior the winged unicorn (A Swiftly Tilting Planet)

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? >> I have quite a few favourite clothing styles. I’ll always be some sort of goth at heart, I will say.

4: What was your favorite video game growing up? >> My favourite computer games were The Logical Journey of the Zoombinis and Alien Tales. I had like a weird kid-crush on Sal of deCentury, the alien game show host... (and who at all is surprised)

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: >> Oh, I don’t know.

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? >> Warning: Black Carcosa is a caustic irradiated substance. Prolonged contact with Black Carcosa may cause severe mental deterioration, burns and lesions (or legions, even), and enhanced delusions of reference. Please consult your psychologist before engaging Black Carcosa. Keep away from children, pets, your electronics, and anything else whose innocence and integrity you hold dear.

7: What is your Greek personality type (Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic)? >> Primarily Phlegmatic, it seems.

8: Are you ticklish? >> Not usually.

9: Are you allergic to anything? >> No.

10: What’s your sexuality? >> There are a lot of things I’d gladly fuck, but not a whole lot of humans.

11: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? >> I greatly prefer tea.

12: Are you a cat or dog person? >> My preference leans towards dogs.

13: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? >> I identify most with elves, out of the three. 

14: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? >> No.

15: How tall are you? >> 5′4″.

16: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? >> I’d like to not wish to change my name anymore, actually.

17: How much do you weigh? >> Somewhere between 130 and 135 lbs.

18: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? >> I am open to the experience.

19: Do you like space or the ocean more? >> I am more interested in what lies beyond this planet than what lies on it, although this planet is also extremely fascinating in all its complexity.

20: Are you religious? >> Intensely.

21: Pet peeves? >> Passivity.

22: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal (opposite of nocturnal)? >> I... am fine being mostly nocturnal.

23: Favorite constellation? >> Orion. Always Orion.

24: Favorite star? >> I haven’t chosen one.

25: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? >> Sure, especially custom ones.

26: Any phobias or fears? >> Meh.

27: Do you think global warming is real? >> I understand climate change as a process that occurs, yes.

28: Do you believe in reincarnation? >> I am open to the experience.

29: Favorite movie? >> The Fountain / Interstellar.

30: Do you get scared easily? >> No.

31: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? >> I used to take care of a couple of cats, for a short time. Fyodor and Hela. But almost all of the pets I’ve lived with have technically been under the custodianship of others.

32: What is a color that calms you? >> Soft, slightly desaturated bluish-grey.

33: Where would you like to travel and/or live? >> I would prefer to live in New Orleans and travel anywhere.

34: Where were you born? >> Elizabeth, New Jersey.

35: What is your eye color? >> Dark brown.

36: Introvert or extrovert? >> Mostly introvert. Entirely disinterested in “introvert culture��.

37: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? >> I am open to the experience (and especially attracted to astrology, as I’m sure my reblogs suggest).

38: Hugs or kisses? >> Meh.

39: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? >> I’m fine not doing that.

40: Who is someone you love deeply? >> Can Calah.

41: Any piercings you want? >> Sure, if the opportunity presented itself. My focus is mostly on tattoos.

42: Do you like tattoos and piercings? >> Quite.

43: Do you smoke or have you ever done so? >> I smoke occasionally.

44: Talk about your crush, if you have one! >> My crushes at this point are pretty much celebrities and fictional characters, which is to say I have way too many of them to answer this question.

45: What is a sound you really hate? >> Mouth sounds.

46: A sound you really love? >> The sounds people make when they’re aroused but trying to keep it together.

47: Can you do a backflip? >> Not even a little bit. I saw a video where someone taught himself how to do backflips in a single afternoon. I was duly impressed.

48: Can you do the splits? >> No.

49: Favorite actor and/or actress? >> Idris Elba. Actress... maybe Rutina Wesley.

50: Favorite book? >> Ha!

51: How are you feeling right now? >> Neutral.

52: What color would you like your hair to be right now? >> I really don’t care.

53: When did you feel happiest? >> ---

54: Something that calms you down? >> Time.

55: Have any mental disorders? >> I’m more than pretty sure I do, but I haven’t been properly diagnosed a day in my life.

56: What does your URL mean? >> It was a play on “Lost Carcosa”. It eventually came to just represent... me. Now it’s a brand of sorts, so I am loath to use any other username (save for blackThirteen, which I sometimes use on websites where it’s not already taken by someone else; blackThirteen + foundCarcosa = blackCarcosa, which is what I really should be using, but it’s a little late now).

57: What three words describe you the most? >> Just three? Ha!

58: Do you believe in evolution? >> I have been convinced of evolution’s veracity.

59: What makes you unfollow a blog? >> Over a month of inactivity or a change to content that doesn’t interest me are the two main reasons I unfollow. Sometimes I unfollow for things like political platforming or too much unsourced content or having too much of the same kind of content on my dashboard or... any number of reasons, really. Sometimes a person’s opinion (or the way they present their opinion) just pisses me off and I’m not invested enough in the blog to keep them around anyway.

60: What makes you follow a blog? >> Content that I enjoy, usually. It’s pretty simple. Sometimes I have compulsive following sprees and then I have to prune later, which is a thing about myself that I’ve just gotten used to.

61: Favorite kind of person: >> Right.

62: Favorite animal(s): >> Snakes, spiders, otters, capybaras, and so on.

63: Name three of your favorite blogs. >> transistorxiii, lilithsconcubine (bet money she’ll have changed her url again by the time I post this, lmao), coldalbion.

64: Favorite emoticon: >> The cry-laughing one. I abuse the shit out of that face.

65: Favorite meme: >> Right now, probably BONELESS or that one image with the guy and the two girls that is so goddamn versatile that I haven’t gotten sick of it yet despite the fact that it’s everywhere.

66: What is your MBTI personality type? >> My last result was INTJ. I don’t care much for MBTI anymore.

67: What is your star sign? >> Gemini sun, Gemini moon, Scorpio rising, etc etc.

68: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? >> ---

69: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? >> Ghast brand rave pants and a Doctor Strange shirt, it seems.

70: Post a selfie or two? >> http://foundcarcosa.tumblr.com/tagged/this-malleable-shell

71: Do you have platform shoes? >> I don’t.

72: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? >> I used to be extremely competent at Guitar Hero / Rock Band because back when those games were popular, Best Buy and Circuit City would have stations set up in their stores where you could play them; and because I was homeless and tumblr wasn’t invented to become my biggest timesink yet, I would just stay in the stores playing guitar games all day. So I got good at it. As one does.

73: Can you do a front flip? >> No.

74: Do you like birds? >> Sure.

75: Do you like to swim? >> I can’t swim, so I don’t know if I’d like it or not. I mean, probably.

76: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? >> I can’t do either.

77: Something you wish didn’t exist: >> Meh.

78: Some thing you wish did exist: >> Everything I can conceive does exist... in some form, on some plane.

79: Piercings you have? >> Earlobes and septum.

80: Something you really enjoy doing: >> Playing video games.

81: Favorite person to talk to: >> Can Calah.

82: What was your first impression of Tumblr? >> I was extremely confused by tumblr when I first tried it out. So I abandoned it for a little over a year, and then I had to make a new account when I came back because I’d forgotten the login for the old one.

83: How many followers do you have? >> Here, 629.

84: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? >> I can’t run a mile, period.

85: Do your socks always match? >> No. I don’t bother matching my socks. Mismatched ones are more fun, anyway.

86: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? >> No.

87: What are your birthstones? >> Emerald, I think? I forget the other.

88: If you were an animal, which one would you be? >> *waggles Mordred’s spidery legs*

89: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? >> Probably a black calla lily.

90: A store you hate? >> Abercrombie and Fitch. Their store is fragranced or something. Like they put cologne swatches in the air ducts. IDFK. It’s aggravating. Also, I hate that kind of fashion.

91: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? >> I usually drink zero. 

92: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? >> Flying is more interesting than being Sookie Stackhouse.

93: Do you like to wear camo? >> No.

94: Winter or summer? >> I have a preference for winter.

95: How long can you hold your breath for? >> I don’t know.

96: Least favorite person? >> ---

97: Someone you look up to: >> *insert obvious joke here*

98: A store you love? >> Trash & Vaudeville. I wonder if it’s closed / moved yet.

99: Favorite type of shoes >> I prefer combat boot type shoes.

100: Where do you live? >> *grumbles*

101: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? >> Pescatarian. I just don’t care for meat much. I’ll eat a chicken sandwich sometimes, but otherwise I’ll stick to seafood.

102: What is your favorite mineral or gem? >> Smoky quartz is nice. Bismuth is cool as shit. Geodes are where it’s at, though.

103: Do you drink milk? >> No.

104: Do you like bugs? >> Most of them, yeah.

105: Do you like spiders? >> My children. <3

106: Something you get paranoid about? >> My physical health, sometimes.

107: Can you draw?: >> I can. I can’t draw well, though.

108: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? >> I don’t know. Nosy questions don’t bother me, though.

109: A question you hate being asked? >> Anything regarding my gender. Like, who cares. Stop boring me.

110: Ever been bitten by a spider? >> Not that I’m aware of.

111: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? >> Oh, yes.

112: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? >> It depends on how I feel that day in general. Either is good, but sometimes one is definitely better than the other.

113: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: >> ---

114: Favorite cloud type: >> Definitely cumulonimbus.

115: What color do you wish the sky was? >> My eyes interpret the sky as a variety of colours depending on time of day, weather conditions, and what pair of sunglasses I have on, and you know what, that’s good enough for me.

116: Do you have freckles? >> No.

117: Favorite thing about a person: >> ---

118: Fruits or vegetables? >> All of the above.

119: Something you want to do right now: >> I’m fine with what I’m doing.

120: Is the ocean or sky prettier? >> How could I possibly choose one over the other...? I like it best when I can observe both at the same time, actually. Maximum loveliness.

121: Sweet or sour foods? >> Savoury, spicy, sour. Sweetness only as a balancing agent.

122: Bright or dim lights? >> Dim and diffuse, always.

123: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? >> I am open to all experiences.

124: Something you hate about Tumblr: >> The poor functionality bits. Coding issues, inefficiency in design, stuff I can’t do anything about because I don’t work there.

125: Something you love about Tumblr: >> Everything else, more or less. I wouldn’t spend so much time here if I wasn’t genuinely enjoying myself.

126: What do you think about the least? >> How would I know?

127: What would you want written on your tombstone? >> I am not interested in a tombstone at all.

128: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? >> Someone sexy who had a kink for being punched in the face.

129: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? >> The fact that I am so easily bored and so interested in experience leads to interesting experiences and a tendency to be open to new things... but sometimes it just leads to recklessness and irritability.

130: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? >> Yeah, most of the time.

131: Computer or TV? >> Computer, which is often used as a television anyway.

132: Do you like roller coasters? >> I do.

133: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? >> No.

134: Are your ears free or attached? >> Unattached.

135: Do you believe in karma? >> The original concept of karma is more understandable to me than the modern colloquial definition.

136: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? >> I’m a solid 8 to myself, but you know.

137: What nicknames do you have/have had? >> Rev, Eddie, and Dio are my most used nicknames as of now.

138: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? >> I have always had Companions.

139: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? >> Yes.

140: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? >> It doesn’t matter to me either way.

141: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? >> I love to give gifts, but I also love to receive them. No reason I should have to choose. What I hate is compulsory gift exchanging. Miss me completely with that bull mess.

142: What makes you angry?: >> Eh.

143: How many languages do you speak fluently? >> One.

144: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? >> Meh.

145: Are you androgynous? >> More or less.

146: Favorite physical thing about yourself: >> I am pretty fond of my facial shape and features, and the kinda “greyboy” androgynous shape of my body. Also, this melanin is poppin. I would gladly take a little more, even.

147: Favorite thing about your personality: >> What’s a personality?

148: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. >> Meh?

149: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? >> Why would I do that?

150: Do you like BuzzFeed? >> It hasn’t given me reason to dislike it.

151: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? >> I met Sparrow on tumblr.

152: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? >> No.

153: Do you like to play with others’ hair? >> That used to be a big stim of mine, but Tommy, my first boyfriend, broke me out of that pretty badly and I never got back into it. It’s like a mental block now. Aggravating.

154: What embarrasses you? >> Meh?

155: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: >> ---

156: Biggest lie you have ever told: >> I have no idea.

157: How many people are you following? >> 1,047 right now.

158: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? >> This will be #20,540.

159: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? >> 6.

160: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? >> 87,104.

161: Last time you cried and why: >> The last memory of crying that I have is when I was listening to these videos of Pearl Jam songs with just the vocals and guitar solos isolated. I lost my shit in the middle of “Black” and the only reason I remember is because I thought to myself, fucking hell, some tumblr survey is going to ask me about the last time I cried and I’m gonna have to tell the congregation that I cried because I love Eddie Vedder too much and I started laughing like an idiot.

162: Do you have long or short hair? >> Short. Very short.

163: Longest your hair has ever been: >> To my shoulders, I think, as a child. Not including weaves, braids, and so on.

164: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religion? >> I love religion because... oh, I don’t know. It’s one of those things I don’t question too much because I’m not sure it has an easy answer. It just deeply resonates with me, is all. Yes, the whole concept of religion. Not any specific one, or anything. Just the root of it all. I don’t like what people do with religion a lot of the time, not at all... but whatever. People gonna people.

165: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? >> Well, sure. It’s fucking fascinating. Even if the theories are only theories, they’re still interesting to me. I’ll probably never know, but that won’t ever stop me from being curious.

166: Do you like to wear makeup? >> Yes.

167: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? >> No.

168: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? >> Sure.

[thatfangirlingdepressedkid]

i was tagged by an anon so like here u go

LAST:

1. drink: water

2. phone call: ummmmmmmmm who uses phones anymore?

3. text message: a human

4. song listened to: Death of a Bachelor by Panic! At The Disco

5. time i cried: the question is: when am i not crying?

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. dated somebody twice: nope

7. been cheated on: nah

8. kissed someone and regretted it: no

9. lost someone special: mmhm this weekend actually

10. been depressed: constantly

11. gotten drunk and puked: im a minor so...yes

THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. ugh black isnt a colour...ummmm...very very very dark blue

13. GAY COLOURS LITERALLY ANYTHING GAY

14. very very very dark grey

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. made new friends: shoutout to my tumblr fam! oml did i just say fam. fml

16. fallen out of love: i guess so :)

17. laughed until you cried: yeah cause inside jokes ahhhhhhhh

18. found out someone was gossiping about you: ALL👏 THE👏FUCKING👏TIME LIKE SERIOUSLY GET A LIFE

19. met somebody who changed you: yup :) a couple people actually

20. find out who your true friends are: i think so? but i mean...bpd so...i guess we will never know

21. kissed somebody on your facebook list: facebook is for old people

HOW MANY/MUCH:

22. facebook friends do you have in real life: get over it facebook is so 2007

23. pets: ive had 7 fish...ive given up all hope

24. want to change name: idk maybe on my dysphoric days but not constantly

WHAT:

25. did i get for my last birthday: a phone + data and a trip to Toronto for dance as far as i know

26. time i woke up: ummmmmmm ever heard of insomnia?

27. doing at midnight: probably on tumblr while watching netflix sometimes talking to friends

28. something you cannot wait for: death

29. last time i saw my mom: 45 mins ago

30. something you wish you could change about your life: being alive

31. listening to right now: grey’s anatomy cause OML THAT SHOW IS BOMB, jesus did i just say bomb...kill me

32. something that gets on your nerves: homophobes

33. talked to a person named Tom: idfk probably ive met a lot of people through acting im almost positive that i had a producer named tom when i was like 6

34. most visited website: TUMBLR. but netflix and youtube comes a close second...not really but like i use them a lot

35. elementary school: i went to 2 and was homeschooled for some reasons but like only briefly

36. high school: im in high school? only been to 1 but homeschooling might happen probs not but maybe

37. college: probably will be dead by then...BUT...if i am unfortunately alive, ill be in LA idk what ill be doing but ill be in LA or NYC but probs LA

38. hair color: dark brown looks black in the light kinda red and brown and black UGH WORDS u need to see it to understand what im saying

39. long or short hair: TOO LONG. TOO FUCKING LONG

40. crush: a cool human

41. do you like about yourself: i am filled with self hatred. there is no room for ‘liking myself’ what are u talking about

42. piercings: nope no nah nuh uh not happening not today boo boo not today FEMALE DYSPHORIA IM SORRY

43. blood type: you would think i knew cause ive done too many blood tests to count but nope still clueless as fuck cause IM A MINOR FUCK YOU MOM

44. nickname: M, some people call me Mandy but if u call me Mandy ur dead to me

45. relationship status: taken? wow thats weird to say

46. zodiac: Pisces

47. pronouns: she/her? he/him? they/them? EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN? depends on the day i guess...or whatever im feeling? still kinda confused LEAVE ME ALONE OKAY

48. favorite show: grey’s anatomy currently but pretty little liars comes really close

49. tattoos: WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT

50. right or left handed: ambidextrous get on my level

FIRST:

51. surgery: there has been too many i cant even remember my first

52. piercing: ugh refer to 42 ^^^

53. best friend: a couple of them? no names mentioned u know who u fucking are

54. sport: dance, ugh dance, love dance but like love hate, ummmm im really fucking athletic so like everything?

55. vacation: THAILAND U TAKE ME TO THAILAND U ARE OFFICALLY MY BEST FRIEND ALSO LA TAKE ME TO LA PLEASE I LOVE U FOREVER

56. pair of shoes: adidas cause i get them for freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

RIGHT NOW:

57. eating: newsflash im anorexic

58. drinking: nothing? water i guess?

59. im about to: UMMMMMMMMMMMMM

60. listening to: LA Devotee by Panic! at the Disco

61. waiting for: death? thats not original...ummmmmmm summer i guess? no summer = stress ummmmmm fuck it death im waiting for fucking death. refer to my blog to understand WHY IM SUICIDAL

62. want to see: my hw finished on my table

63. want to get married: idk i guess so? probs will be dead :)

64. career: acting i think but dance is an option i mean im already in the business and working actively so why not continue? idk if i actually wanna pursue it tho

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. hugs/kisses: depends on the person ;)

66. lips/eyes: ^^^ but usually eyes cause eyes are pretty

67. shorter/taller: people are cute no matter what

68. younger/older: does it matter? “age is just a number”

69. romantic/spontaneous: romantic but i wouldnt know im making an educated guess

70. nice arms/nice stomach: nice humans

71. sensitive/loud: sensitive

72. hook up/relationship: relationship

73. troublemaker/hesitant: hesitant i think?

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. kissed a stranger: nope

75. drank hard liquor: fuck yes gets u drunk fast

76. lost glasses/contact lenses: dont wear them...yet....we’ll see (see what i did there) (and there again) I AM AN AWFUL PERSON

77. turned someone down: yes quite often actually idk why it just happens?

78. canoodling on first date: first of all, ive never been on a date. second, im a virgin. third, WHY CANT U JUST SAY SEX? LIKE ITS NOT A BAD THING TO SAY WE ARE ON TUMBLR WHAT ARE U TALKING ABOUT...okay im done now sorry

79. broken someones heart: oops

80. had your own heart broken: mmhm all the fucking time idk why it just happens, i just realized how many times ive said that

81: been arrested: nah

82: cried when someone died: MMHM ALL FUCKING WEEKEND

83: fallen for a friend: who hasn’t like lesbihonest (sorry im just really gay)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. yourself: of course not who do u think ur talking to

85. miracles: i hope so?

86. love at first sight: ummmmm i think so? i really hope so but idk

87. Santa Clause: no but ummm idk but like no but like maybe but like no

88. kiss on first date: yeah

89. angels: i want to believe that i believe in angels but after everything that has happened to me idfk

OTHER:

90. current best friends name: fucking classified bitch leave me alone

91. eye color: hazel

92. favorite movie: anything disney cause im a disney freak ummmm The Imitation Game cause gay ummm OMG PRIDE GREAT MOVIE also love Tomboy cause it made me cry uggggh coming out ahhhhhhh tears ahhhhh

i tag everyone that reads this cause im too lazy

U BETTER DO THIS TAG ITS ACTUALLY A GOOD TAG SO LIKE

[wasteaprcttyface-blog]

rules: answer all the questions and tag 20 other blogs

tagged by: no one. i’m just kinda bored and i like doin’ these. tagging: anyone who wants to do the thing.

LAST:

1. DRINK: water 2. PHONE CALL: a work help place that helps people with mental health issues and shit find work. 3. TEXT MESSAGE: my case manager, letting her know that meeting earlier is okay. 4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: half god half devil - in this moment 5. TIME YOU CRIED:  friday. 6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: i’ve never even dated someone once so...rip. 7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: lmao yeah 8. BEEN CHEATED ON: nope 9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: my grandma, six years ago.  10. BEEN DEPRESSED: yeah, my dude.kinda the whole thing when your diagnosed with major depressive disorder. 11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: nah my dude.

3 FAVORITE COLORS

12. rose gold 13. light grey 14. rose quartz pink

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: yes 16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: no 17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: nope 18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: nah 19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: yeah 20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: yeah 21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: nope

GENERAL

22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: almost all of them, honestly. 23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: a corgi beagle mix named Crowley 24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: kinda? sometimes? i mean, i love it because it’s unique and literally i’ve never met anyone with my name but like...sometimes i wish it was easier to pronounce for people? which is why i go by jac. it’s the first part of my name. 25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY: my best friend, her mom and my mom all went bowling and then went for dinner. 26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: 9:30 am. 27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: laying in bed 28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: going back to school next year. 29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: a couple hours ago before she left for work. 31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: praying - kesha 32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: i...think so? idfk. 33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: life, honestly. 34. MOST VISITED WEBSITE: tumblr 35. HAIR COLOR: naturally dark brown/almost black but right now it’s like...natural hair colour faded into a weird blonde colour. 36. LONG OR SHORT HAIR: mediumish 37. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: nah my dude 38. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: lmfaoooooo nothing. 39. PIERCINGS: philtrum (or more commonly known as a medusa), my septum and i used to have both sides of my nose pierced and my eyebrow. 40. BLOOD TYPE:  i have no clue, my dude. 41. NICKNAME: jac, jay, jj, cas, hunter, kitten 42. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single  43. ZODIAC: leo 44. PRONOUNS: she/her 45. FAVOURITE TV SHOW: supernatural  46. TATTOOS: a semi colon on my left hand, a be love tattoo on my right hand (it’s just a really pretty cursive B with a heart in it) annnd ‘if you’re going through hell, keep going” in my mom and grandpa’s handwriting with a lotus beside it on my shoulder. 47. RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED: ambidexterous but predominantly left handed. 48. SURGERY: wisdom teeth surgery but that’s it. 50. SPORT: soccer  51. VACATION: man, i haven’t been on a vacation in years? 52. PAIR OF TRAINERS: does this mean shoes? and is it asking about my favourite pair? because i have a pair of combat looking boots that i really like and also a pair of red converse.

MORE GENERAL

53. EATING: nothing rn 54. DRINKING: water 55. I’M ABOUT TO: go make actual food and get ready for my appointment 56. WAITING FOR: nothing ig??? 57. WANT: for the week to be over. 58. GET MARRIED: maybe one day? idk. i’m on the fence about marriage. especially since i can live with someone for six years and be commonlaw married.  59. CAREER: makeup artist. preferably working in film and television.

WHICH IS BETTER

60. HUGS OR KISSES: hugs 61. LIPS OR EYES: eyes 62. SHORTER OR TALLER: taller  63. OLDER OR YOUNGER: for me? in a romantic setting, i prefer older. i’m 22 so my age range for someone to date is 22-31. 64. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: arms? i guess? 65. HOOKUP OR RELATIONSHIP: relationship 66. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: maybe something in between?

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. KISSED A STRANGER: nah dude 68. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: yup 69. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: yeah. i constantly lose my glasses. 70. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: yeah 71. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: nope 72. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: nope 73. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: i mean, i guess? 74. BEEN ARRESTED: nah 75. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: yeah 76. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: yup

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. YOURSELF: lmfao 78. MIRACLES: yes 79. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: lust at first sight, yes. love? no. 80. SANTA CLAUS: not anymore. 81. KISS ON THE FIRST DATE: eh. depends on how the date went. if anything it’d be a small peck on the cheek or something. 82. ANGELS: yeah

OTHER:

84. EYE COLOR: brown 85. FAVORITE MOVIE: captain america winter soldier.

[tubulargirly]

Hi my name is Christina and I have the strange addiction of wanting everyone (LITERALLY EVERYONe) I come in contact with, love me. Because I’m so awesome riiiight

so growing up i’ve had this sorta strange obsession or addiction maybe, for having everyone that I meet irrevicably like me. I mean every since I can remember I’ve always tried to befriend the “nerds”, the gangsters, the populars, the emo kids, the rich kids, the poor kids, the bullies, etc. I have just always been the type of person to be friends with everyone! I would go out of my way to talk to the new kids in school, and I’ve always tried to stick up for anyone who has gotten bullied in front of me. Wow.. As i’m writting this, i’m wondering “where tf did that Christina go??” but anywho.. if you don’t get what i’m trying to say I’m pretty much just boasting about how social and friendly I was throughout my childhood. 

today, I am a different Christina. I rarely try to be besties with every classmate I come in contact with these days. I put some of the blame towards the culture of (my) college being very sorta anti-social. Which is kinda ironic with my major being social work.. I’ve literally made 1 friend who doesn’t even talk to me anymore from college. But surely, most of how I socialize today can be in result to my addiction of having everyone I come in contact with, like me. And fear of the opposite: them not liking me. So it’s obvi that i lack the social skills I once had from PreK - 12TH grade. But still, the people I come in contact with most are family and co-workers. So my need of having everyone like me is vesseled through thouse relationships I still sorta have. 

A certain co-worker of mine who I shall not name for the sake of being a good person? lol its not like anyone even reads these.. but still. It’d be a bitchy move for me to drop his name huh? lmao idk. I have this co-worker who is honestly everything that I wish I could be. He’s super funny, knows how to hold a great convo, very nice to most guests at my job, goes out of his way for people, yada yada yada. He’s also gay (which doesn’t matter to me #LoveWins lol) and just loves to crack jokes at any chance he gets. I really do enjoy talking to him. But lately, he’s been very wishy washy with me.. and makes rude/snarky comments everytime I see him. Now, I KNOW that sometimes I definitely can misread or overthink people’s intentions but he’s made it pretty clear that I am a nuisance to him. It’s like little things that he does too.. like sometimes he cuts me off mid-sentence or he’ll roll his eyes at me, or just straight up say something that’s reallll fucking rude. idk what you think.. but those are traits of a bitch that hates you right? LOL 

I can’t quite figure out why he might be annoyed with or not like me, or what his intentions are behind how he’s treated me recently.. but it’s really bugging me. I look at this co-worker as a close friend but I’ve realized over the past couple weeks that he doesn’t see me the same. I don’t know if i’m explaining this accurately but this is how i’ve been feeling. Why am I so worked up about him not liking me? As dramatic as I may sound.. this is pretty heartbreaking to me. Usually when I come into work and he’s working, I’d be excited. But lately, I’ve just been avoiding conversation and deflecting his rude jokes, in efforts to keep myself from getting to wrapped up in the comments he makes. YET HERE I AM WRITING A FULL ON BLOG ABOUT IT lmao. Is it normal for me to care so much about this situation? Or is this just another appearance of my need of acception and validation from a major person in my life? IDFK. But it sucks yanno.. I feel a little rejected and like a loser here at my work. Everyone sees me as the girl that’s “too nice” or the girl who checks in sketchy people lol. But i’m learning that not everyone is going to like me.. and worse, not everyone is gonna wanna be friends with me. Geeze this is some hard shit you learn whilst growin up.. kinda miss the old days. But also, I’m thankful that i’m learning this and know that I can take it into my future.    

Friday - May 31st, 2019 - On a slow Friday night @ work

[faecaptainofdreams]

Complicated

Ugh, time for another Tumblr rant.

So i’m straight and female, and while i’m attracted to men i genuinely don’t like being in relationships. I’ve had enough of them to recognize in myself that it’s simply not for me. I always feel like i OWE the other person my time and effort that i just don’t feel like giving. I was (secretly) in a relationship with someone on dA and i loved him, but i still didn’t like being in a relationship -- EVEN THOUGH WE NEVER EVEN MET OR SAW EACH OTHER. WE VIDEO CHATTED LIKE TWO OR THREE TIMES AND SENT EACH OTHER PICS OF OUR FACES. That was it. Even though we broke up he is my best guy friend on earth and i love him with all my heart and soul, but platonically. The other thing that sucks for me in relationships is i have a condition called vaginismus, where it causes extreme pain and even emotional trauma if i try to insert something into my...parts. TMI sorry but i’m so tired of being ashamed that it exists. Anyway, sex is kind of a major part of relationships -- especially as an adult. I’m a virgin and i don’t expect to die any differently than as a virgin, and i don’t mind that. No one can Pet the Panther like i can, and i don’t crave the love and attention of someone else to do it for me (most of the time, most of the time). But...

In relationships, i never feel like i can fully be myself, like i’m always hiding a part of myself and i can never get comfortable. I need space ALL the time, i’d rather be socializing with friends or working on my fiction and being in love with my fictional characters and THAT is when i’m most happy. In a partnership, i really can’t have/enjoy both, because my attention is always divided and my heart calls harder to fiction. So it’s been a couple of years and i’ve been long aware of how i feel, and why, and am aware of my own needs and how to satisfy them, emotional and otherwise. So here’s my current problem.

At my work, there is a guy just two years older than me that i really like. I think he’s cute, i love his attitude, we both LOVE DC and fiction. When i think about him or see him, sometimes i feel jittery or feel a few butterflies, and i love it, but i hate it, too. Because i can’t be happy in a relationship, i can’t pursue him. It would be cruel to the both of us, but i can’t help feeling this way. I like flirting with him, but honestly i like flirting with everybody (that’s just my personality, i’m kind of a lighthearted butterfly [in other words, not a slut about it]). I want to look good in front of him, i like getting attention from him. I like how every time he sees me he makes a point to call out to me by name really sweetly and say “hi,” and if he has time strut over and talk to me. I like his fluffy hair and tall, skinny ass body. Sometimes i pretend not to notice he’s around JUST because i know that every time he sees me, he’s going to say my name and say hi, ask how it’s going, and possibly approach me all on his own. EVERY TIME. It never fails. He sees me, he addresses me. I’m always collected around him, but it’s hard to hold it down sometimes. I just wanna be like “YOU’RE SO FUCKING CUTE, WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS. WHY ARE YOU NICE TO ME YOU HAVE NO REASON TO TREAT ME SO NICE.” I even observe him with others and try to measure if he’s any more or less giving with them than he is with me, male and female. I don’t know his status. For me it’s almost more like a mind game at work, but there’s still an annoying, nagging longing inside of me that makes it hurt just a liiittle bit. And the more it goes on, the worse it gets.

Sometimes i think about what would happen in some stupid fantasy if we told each other we liked each other. If by some ungodly, unfortunate circumstance he actually did like me and had the courage to tell me, what in the living hell would i say? “Oh my God, you’re so sweet and cute, but i’m too fucked up to be in a relationship” and kill his masculinity, and then he’d probably not talk to me anymore. Yes i thought this to that point, don’t act like you don’t think about weird yet practical shit... Anyway.

I really, truly, honestly feel like he’s a little nicer to me than the others, and sometimes i wonder if he does like me, if not a tiny bit. And as much as i enjoy that, what can i possibly gain from it? I can’t have him, i can’t be with him, i can’t do anything about it, so why does that other part of me want him to like me? For some sort of gratification? If he gets/has a gf, what am i gonna do, be jealous? (Actually maybe i would be relieved if i found that out, idfk). Never in my life has feeling a little attracted to a real life human being made me this mad. But it also makes work more enjoyable because i look forward to seeing him, though it’s usually not for long. Most days i’m lucky to see him dart by with his usual, kind greeting. He’s not the conventional cute guy, he’s so damn geeky but he works it. He’s unique, and i’ve always been drawn to the oddballs. Takes one to know/like one, i guess? Though i’m weird because of my head, lmao.

So...it’s complicated. My hopes are that i don’t feel anything else after this point. I hope it just continues on as a cute little game of cat and mouse, wherein i wait for my unsuspecting eye/emotion candy prey to pitter-patter by and grace my day with his presence before fleeing, leaving the lioness pointlessly hungry for more attention. I guess it’s just woven into our DNA, to seek the adoration of a member of the sex we’re drawn to. Who wouldn’t want to be desirable? The problem with me is, i don’t have anything to give anybody else. I have Asperger’s syndrome, i have so many needs and i fall in love with fictional characters much harder than i fall in love with real people, and i’m aware of that. I’m okay with that, but it definitely comes with its fair share of troubles. Anyway...for his own sake, i hope he just keeps his distance. I hope he doesn’t actually like me, i hope he just pities me and my pitiful pseudo-pirate ass that can only work a three-hour shift because my feet are trash, or because i’m new (and that he never fucking tells me that because if he did i would literally probably quit my job because i cannot stand the idea of being pitied to the point that someone is nice to me). I hope my feelings don’t get any stupider, i have enough issues right now.

If you read this, holy shit bless you, because it’s a novel about a really cruddy problem XD This is easily the least of my problems right now, so let’s hope it stays that way. Also i hope to God he doesn’t use Tumblr/is aware of my blog somehow/EVER READS THIS POST EVER.