#maybe this will stop me from talking to the void (heh) whenever i write

[ls-daydreams]

~Writeblr Intro~

Photo © Cate Brodersen on Unsplash

Hello, everyone! I'm a tumblr ancient who's been lurking around writeblr for a while now, but never actually made an intro post or interacted with peeps within the community, so here I am!

☆ ABOUT ME ☆

name: Laura  |  birthday: 26.09.1997  |  pronouns: she/her

languages: Romanian (native), English (fluent), Korean (conversational; been casually learning on and off for about 6 years), can somewhat understand Spanish and Italian

studies: BA in Scriptwriting, MA in Film Production Management

interests & hobbies: sudoku, crosswords, cooking & baking, tennis, collecting things, losing myself in canva edits & spotify playlists

what i’m doing now: working as a newbie librarian, trying to write my first novel, losing my mind over my characters

☆ ABOUT MY WRITING ☆

what i like: everything. i love me some nice variety in my genres, themes, and mediums. being absorbed into new worlds and learning from my peers is why i enjoy reading and why i’m a writer

what i write: in two words, murder gays. in more words, i usually write psychological thrillers intertwined with romance and mystery. after i’m done with my massive old-ass WIP (Metanoia, my beloved), i’ll dabble into taking the idiots-in-love into other genres (i already have some ideas for dark fantasy, sci fi & dystopian stories)

recurring things: characters who are demisexual/on the ace spectrum, deep connections between two people who can truly understand only each other, obsession, the concept of beauty in ugliness, death (as rebirth, as a companion to life, as a cause for grief), generational trauma, nature vs. nurture, loneliness vs. solitude

mediums: my current WIP is a novel, but i also write film and TV scripts and like to come up with transmedia experiences too - check out Forget-Me-Not for glimpses of those.

Below the cut are more details about some of my works~ I hope to make loads of friends, read all of your wonderful stories, and meet all of your OCs, so please interact with this post and I’ll check you out! I follow from my main, @sarcasticjuiceboxes ​! Bless you for reading this~

METANOIA - novel & eventual TV series

themes - nature vs. nurture, familial relationships, the illusion of choice

summary: Set in the tiny fictional town of Plain River, the story follows 25-year-old Malachi Azevedo as he tries to regain his memories after an "accident" erases the first 18 years of his life. Stuck caring for his ever-ailing mother, plagued by intrusive thoughts of self-harm, and constantly feeling like an impostor living in the wrong skin, Malachi latches onto The Void - a familiar voice in his head - to cope. He’s convinced The Void was someone important to his former self and tries to find him despite everyone around him denying such a person ever existed. It's this desperate search, along with his fight for independence, which lead Mal down a rabbit hole of love, violence, and hidden truths and force him to finally reconcile with the person he used to be.

warnings - blood, gore, depression, amnesia, abuse, kidnapping, gaslighting, attempted suicide, murder, death

word count - x

status - currently writing

FORGET-ME-NOT - feature film

summary: Haunted by never-ending tragedies, reporter Seo Joon decides to end his life in an almost derelict bath house. It's there he runs into a pair of odd strangers who force him to pick a side when they get into a violent fight, Seo Joon accidentally ending up killing one to save the other. A connection immediately forms between Seo Joon and the rescued stranger, Yul, who convinces the former to put off his initial plans.

It's only the next morning that Seo Joon learns two things: Yul is a photographer working for the police, and the man they killed was completely certain Yul was a serial killer trying to claim him as the next victim.

themes - grief, peculiar love, beauty in ugliness

warnings - murder, suicide, death, blood, panic attacks

word count - ~26k words

status - complete

story & more details (character profiles, inspo, etc) here | mobile friendly here

FLAT 27 - short film

summary: Detached from society and impaired by his deteriorating mental state, writer Ryan latches onto one of the last things that can still keep him going - his novel. He fixates on trying to finally finish it, but the incessant noises in his head prevent him from concentrating as he hasn't slept for days on end.

His inspiration is finally awakened when he overhears a tormented cello playing from the neighbouring apartment. Ryan grows dependent on the music to write, believing his neighbour, Damien, is playing specifically for him, and they're bonded through their art despite never exchanging a single word. When Damien starts to show a disconnect by refusing to play as usual and inviting a third person into their "bubble", Ryan is tempted into a depraved act that finally brings him face to face with his delusions.

themes - obsession, solitute vs. loneliness, real vs. manufactured self

warnings - insomnia, stalking, unreality, death

word count - ~3k words

status - completed (script), in production (film)

story & more details (character profiles, inspo, etc) here | mobile friendly here

More works available to check out - web here | mobile here

Thanks so much for reading! Hit me up and let’s get a-friending ♥

[letshaikyuu]

ᑎO ᖴᒪOᗯEᖇᔕ ᗯEᖇE ᗷᒪOOᗰIᑎG (ᗩKᗩᗩᔕᕼI KEIᒍI ᔕᑕEᑎᗩᖇIO)

Synopsis: Akaashi and you were childhood crushes that got separated when you moved away. Social media was never enough to fill the void. What will Akaashi do when you come back and one of his teammates seems to have a crush on you?

A/N: I am not very skilled in writing scenarios so bear with me here. It’s also a female reader insert, sorry boys :(

Word count: 2522

No flowers were blooming in spring anymore for Akaashi Keiji. He was making towards the school grounds like it was just any other day. It was just another dull start to his second year of high school without you by his side. Akaashi would never forget the time you two picked flowers for your flower crowns that one spring day, mere days before school was supposed to start and you were to crouch into new school adventures. It felt like any other ordinary day outside while your mothers were sipping some tea inside the house. But, Keiji was not unfamiliar with emotions and facial expressions, even at a young age he was able to differentiate different emotions even though people tried hiding them. You were nowhere near the happy and cheerful girl that filled the silence with your childish glee and laughter. You were so quiet.

»»---------------------►

"Keiji..."

A whisper that would have been hard to hear for many, but Keiji knew your voice by heart. Looking up, his eyes were fixed on the tears filling up your eyes that were dangerously close to falling. Keiji was never the one to show much emotion or care, but this situation didn't fail to angrily burn his heart. What was going on?

Your next words burned his already aching heart even more as you let your tears freely fall down your face. Keiji didn't move. You didn't have the heart to wait for his reply so Keiji was left alone, eyes locking on your running figure that found comfort into your mother's arms. You two left soon after. Keiji was still sitting on his knees in the garden. Your neatly made flower crown on the ground was beside him and fallen apart. Was this happening?

"Keiji...I'm leaving Japan tomorrow."

»»---------------------►

The first day of school was over and he was already tired. He wanted to go back home and close himself off from the outside world for a few hours. Grab his phone and go through his gallery. Besides the huge amount of Bokuto's selfies on his phone, here and there a screenshot from his social media accounts popped up. Keiji was never the one for social media. It was a waste of time, he would say. What was the point in endlessly scrolling and looking through profiles of people you probably don't even know? But Keiji does have social media. It wasn't his choice. His mother bought him a newer phone shortly after you moved away. "So you can stay in touch even when she's so far away," his mother said to him when she gave him the phone and ruffled his hair, "there's no point in giving up, is there Keiji?"

That is how Keiji tried to stay in contact with you. You easily found each other on social media and he was glad you still wanted to talk to him. At first, your messages were frequent and filled with stories about your new school and friends. There wasn't a moment to put away your phone cause the messages kept coming. Keiji would merely reply with a "that's nice" and "hope you're liking it there", but he always read them all with a sad smile on his face. You seemed to fit in well with the people there. Keiji always admired you for that. It was you who decided to befriend this quiet, little boy in the house beside yours when you were little. He will never admit how much he appreciated you for that.

The worst part is that Keiji started developing a crush on you. He tried to talk himself out of it by seeing it was normal to have such feelings at a young age and that they will evaporate as he grows older. But they never did. You were becoming more and more beautiful as the days and seasons went by and Keiji couldn't wrap his head around what was happening with him. That little crush of his didn't go unnoticed. His mother figured it out very quickly and never failed to embarrass Keiji whenever he announced he was going out to play with you.

"You'll make a fine gentleman one day Keiji. Don't you forget that."

Unconsciously, he smiled at his mother's words as he entered the hot gym. The sounds of volleyball hitting the ground were enough to snap him out of his thoughts and refocus at the task at hand. He had practice. Bokuto Koutarou was loudly yelling at his kouhai and teasing him about how he's late and he was to do extra laps at the end of the training. The rest of the team chuckled at his words because there was no way Bokuto was going to stick to that.

"I apologize Bokuto-san. It won't happen again." Akaashi's words cut through the once cheerful atmosphere like a knife as he walked towards the locker room to change. Bokuto looked at the figure of his best friend that was soon lost with the door closing behind him. He was named captain for a reason. Bokuto Koutarou, no matter the excessive amounts of mood swings he has, knows when something is going on...and in Akaashi's case, he had quite a good guess as to what is bothering him.

When Keiji stepped foot on the court and started playing, there was no doubt in Bokuto's mind that his bad performance was caused by overflowing thoughts in his head. There was no beating around the bush in this situation, especially when the others knew about this.

"Oi Akaashi." His voice was rather serious for someone who's usually so cheerful and filled with positive energy. Keiji knew where this was leading to and he was dreading every second of it. "Isn't Y/N coming back soon?"

There it was. The ever-so sensitive topic to Akaashi Keiji. How Bokuto found out was still a mystery to him, but it was futile to hide anything from his curious senpai. He didn't mind. It was something that was in the past and there was no need to run away from it. Or at least that's how Keiji wanted his feelings to be portrayed. The ball that was being held in his hand was tossed back in with the others in the trolley as Keiji called it a day. The practice was soon to be over anyway. His teammates, especially the senpais, knew him well enough to know when Keiji is done with something so they didn't want to meddle. But meddling was Bokuto Koutarou's middle name.

"Akaashi I'm-"

"There is no need to apologize Bokuto-san. I am doing just fine and there is no guarantee that Y/N is coming back." Keiji knew he was lying, but the way those words effortlessly came out of his mouth made him think otherwise. He has told himself this lie over and over again that it sounded like the truth.

Back home, Keiji took out his phone to scroll through his gallery. He knew by heart where those screenshots of your conversations were. He started looking at them.

»»---------------------► Sept. 12th

"Heeeeey Keiji I just saw this cool painting of flowers the other day! I remember how much you loved hydrangeas! They always made your eyes pop heh"

"That sounds nice Y/N"

"You know I always think of my best friend Keiji ;)"

"Of course I do. I do the same"read 11:17pm

»»---------------------► Dec. 17th

"Hey...is everything alright there? We haven't talked in a while...I know we're both busy, but let's not let that stop us from talking!"

"Don't worry about that, but I have to go now. Sorry."

"Oh...that's okay...Take care Keiji"

"You too."read 10:47pm

»»---------------------►Feb. 8th

"Akaashi guess what! I'm moving back to Japan this year!! I can't wait to see you, I missed you so much..."seen 00:23am

»»---------------------►

Keiji would be lying if he said his heart didn't skip a beat when he saw your last text message. He didn't know how to feel. That childish glee he felt years before, while you were still here, warmed his heart and he didn't know how to react. The memories of your childhood adventures made him smile in remembrance, but was he ready for this? Were flowers blooming again in his heart?

»»---------------------►

The following day had an eerie feeling to it. Keiji wasn't sure what was happening, but it felt odd. He felt odd. Like there was a nest of angry crows battling inside of him. His head was hurting as well. Walking towards the gym, he felt as if he would pass out at any moment. Were you moving back to Japan? In the back of his mind, Keiji knew that neither his heart or his head was ready to see you again and confront you about his feelings. Maybe you were leaving a boyfriend behind. Maybe you even found a loving girlfriend. You were probably heartbroken that you had to leave your friends and move back here at such age. Was it necessary to list all the bad things about mo-

"Keiji?"

Just like a flower's bloom in spring, Keiji's heart fluttered at the sound of such a sweet and loving tone. To some, it was just an everyday voice that you could hear everywhere. To Keiji, it was a bird's chirp, a kid's giggle, a heart's warmth. There was no doubt in his mind that it was you.

"Y/N?" His eyes looked up and in the crowd of tall figures, he easily spots you. You grew up into a beautiful girl. Your face matured and so did your body. But your eyes...your eyes still held that mischievousness and happiness they had years ago when Keiji saw them filled with tears. That was a sight that haunted him for years as it was the last time Keiji saw you before your move. He couldn't have you walking out on him at the airport, your small body growing further and further away. It was a big bite to swallow for little Keiji.

But here you were, looking as beautiful as ever...with Konoha's arm over your shoulder? What even-

"Omg Keiji it's really you!" You smiled widely at the sight of your childhood friend, but your feet were planted firmly to where you were standing. You two kind of drifted apart these past few months, there was no doubt about it. He didn't even read your last message to him and you were so excited about moving back and possibly confessing to him. Would it be too much to run to him and hug him tightly? To feel all the emotions begging to be released on the surface as his arms tighten around you?

"Would it be that bad to feel your love again?"

»»---------------------►

There was no way in hell that Keiji was going to let you date Konoha. There was no problem with him or if he had a girlfriend, but it was not going to be you. It was official. You moved back to Japan for what seems forever, you were in Fukurodani and Konoha Akinori had a crush on you. Akaashi Keiji was jealous. That too was official.

Unfortunately for Keiji, you became close friends with the team so you frequented coming to practice a lot. Although the awkward silence that filled the gym whenever you and Keiji were in the same room wasn't easy to ignore, the team tried to let you two clear the air by yourselves. And no, Konoha did not have a crush on you, but he did have a plan. Make Akaashi so jealous that he has to confess to you to move on! That's right, Fukurodani does not meddle.

Konoha was pushing his limits very much and Keiji's tolerance was reaching a big, fat zero very fast. It wasn't until he bluntly asked you out on a date that Akaashi felt like waiting longer would mean losing you forever. Storming out of the gym with your forearm in his grasp, Keiji left the gym with a smirking Konoha behind.

"Akaashi- What is wrong with you!?" You pulled your arm out of his grip and stood your ground. "Who gave you the right to pull me out of there like that!?"

You were prepared with an onslaught of comments regarding his unusual behavior, but you bit your tongue. Why was he fuming in rage? There could've easily been steam coming out of his ears. But your words made him even angrier and sadder. What happened to calling him Keiji? To teasing him about how much you found his name gorgeous and fitting for such a guy like himself? You always brought a smile on his face whenever his name left your lips. Now, it was nowhere to be heard of.

He tried to calm himself down, but the years of keeping quiet and not having you around were too much for him to keep his usual calm demeanor. Turning around, he took a deep breath before opening his eyes to look at your shocked face. Taking a cautious step forwards, he took hold of your hands before continuing.

"I'm sorry for the way I acted Y/N back there. I'm also sorry for letting us drift apart." His mellow voice sounded out into the quiet, night background. There was no one in sight and Keiji felt it was easier to voice out his thoughts. "You can't imagine how much I missed you and wanted you to come back to me."

Tears were brimming in your eyes again, but this team Keiji was there to handle them when they fall.

"I love you Y/N...I did when we were kids and I...I still do now." His hand moved to wipe the stray tear slowly trickling down your face and he was quick to pull you into a hug. He was not letting you run away from him this time.

"Keiji w-why didn't you say anything before?"

He chuckled and that wonderful sound was music to your ears. "We were just kids back then. Nothing would've changed you moving away, wouldn't it?"

Keiji knew he was right. He may have doubted his decision before, but now it felt like it was the right thing to have waited this long. In the end, you were in his arms as both of you have already wanted and there was no doubt in his mind that this was exactly where you belong.

"You know what Keiji..," you moved away from his chest and lovingly took hold of his face. You couldn't have even dreamed about Keiji growing up into someone this handsome and beautiful. It was better than any painting your eyes saw of hydrangeas that reminded you of him. This in front of you, was a true piece of art. And you were happy to call it yours.

"I love you too Keiji...ever since we were kids."

No flowers were blooming in spring for Akaashi Keiji. Now, flowers were blooming in every season. In spring they were at their peak. In summer they were constantly with him and keeping him company. In autumn they would slowly start falling asleep and in winter there has always been this one flower that survived the harsh weather and snow that keeps blooming only for him. And that flower will always be you.

[youhearstatic]

Exit Interview for a Fic

(or: 10 Questions Every Fic Writer Secretly Wants to be Asked)

I’ve decided that I’m going to do one of these whenever I finish a fic as a sort of exit interview with myself. It’s too easy to forget stuff as you move on and time passes, you know? I want to remember what I felt as soon as it was finished.

So here’s a bunch of questions about Losing Time.

Under a readmore because again, it’s long and pretty really self indulgent! (There are some behind the scenes/further explanation of things if you are interested though.)

1. Of the fics you’ve written, which is your favorite and why? I’m still going to say the unfinished Barry POV even though that’s awful of me. I know I keep saying this but there’s a section in that story that I’m just so freaking proud of and can’t wait to share... But I have to wait because the fic is unfinished and I can’t put that one up episodically. So even though it’s unfinished that section makes it my favorite.

Having said that? I’m really damn proud of this! Putting up something one chapter/part/episode at a time was nerve wracking. Hoping I’ve laid down enough pieces to pick up later? And I didn’t know what I was doing for at least the first third, and only an idea for the next third. And I FINISHED IT! So yeah, proud of all of that. Plus there was a lot of stuff that’s outside my wheelhouse. So I pushed my boundaries in a lot of ways that I’m also proud of.

2. Which scene was your favorite to write in Losing Time? This is going to sound awful but... part 10 - the scene where Barry/Sildar goes through the portal. That’s when it felt to me like the story changed gears if that makes sense. Up to that point it was just so. much. talking. It was necessary! But I felt like I was doing a really crappy job telling a story when it was just so much standing around talking.

And just for an early scene that made me have hope there was something good here: Lup helping Barry/Sildar with the panic/asthma attack. Lup is so ferocious and caring and just this amazing force of nature and that moment between the two of them answered the question “what would happen if they met and he didn’t know her?” Obviously the answer was: he’d fall instantly in love with her of course. She came in and terrified him and still he was putty in her hands thirty seconds later.

3. Which part of Losing Time was hardest to write? I think part 11 was hardest. Like I just said, it felt like the story had just changed gears and I knew where things needed to go but only in the vaguest sense. I sat looking at an empty page for the longest with that section, for sure.

And then of course the end of part 14. That scene needed to carry weight and the whole time I was writing it, right up until that last line showed up, I felt like I was failing miserably.

4. If you could change anything in Losing Time, what would it be? I wish I were better at writing Taako. I feel like I understand his thinking and motivations? But his speaking style is really hard for me to emulate. I don’t want to lean into it too hard and make him ridiculous because he’s not! So I probably err too hard the other way, unfortunately.

5. Did you make an outline for Losing Time? Did you stick to it? No outline at all. I started this thing with a vague “what if” idea: what if Barry were suddenly younger? It turned into more what ifs. What if Barry was suddenly - after canon, with Lup there - alive without his memories? How would everyone else deal with it? How would that effect he and Lup? I certainly didn’t write part one with any clue what was going to happen - I didn’t even know it was going to become a full fic. 

6. Which scenes did you cut, and which were added in Losing Time? There was another scene with Merle but it was giving too much information too soon. I pushed it back and then it just didn’t fit anymore. I also had a brief conversation with Magnus but I knew I wanted this to be the four of them - Barry, Lup, Taako, and Kravitz - so that didn’t go very far before I cut it.

Also, originally they were not going to tell him what was going on. Then I was like... hold up. He’s an adult. Lup would respect him more than that. She would absolutely argue to tell him the truth. So there was more of them keeping things from him that got cut out.

7. Who was your favorite character to write in Losing Time? Lup. I think at this point in the timeline she’s still struggling with the last decade and trying to figure out what their lives are like now. I think she’s just starting to figure that stuff out and then this knocks her for a loop. (heh)  I was a little worried in the earlier parts when she and Taako were talking and just kept having this friction. I didn’t want it to seem like I was having her just be this emotional ping pong ball bouncing all over but... she kind of is? She and Taako are butting heads there. It’s for the same reason though - they are scared and worried and neither are dealing with their emotions very well. Taako has seen that he’s got the tendency to try to cut out people before they can lead to pain and at one point he’s reminding himself not to do that with Kravitz but then he’s totally doing that with Kravitz. And he’s doing it with Barry. To part of him, he’s decided this is already a failure and he is going to shut that part of himself down and stop caring about Barry before it hurts. But dude, it’s too late! And that attitude - like Lup understands but also she can. not. take. it. But then it spirals back around to her feeling like if she’d been around he wouldn’t have gotten this bad about things. So she’s feeling so many things. I really hope I handled it well enough to make that clear but I suspect it’s a weak point.

OH WAIT I FORGOT. Favorite character to write? THE RAVEN QUEEN. I can’t imagine trying to write her for more than brief glimpses but good grief, she is SO much fun to write. My favorite scene ever (as yet unshared sorry) involves her and I just... ahhh. I feel like there is ALWAYS so much going on behind her words. She is absolutely an enigmatic deity. Also, yeah, totally ship her and Istus like for real. But also I think she plays it cool. She plays EVERYTHING cool. Unless she’s mad. 

8. Which came first, the title or the fic? The title was basically me going: okay if I’m going to start putting this on AO3 it has to have a name so... It was the best I could come up with.

9. Which idea came to you first in Losing Time? Just the general idea of de-aged Barry.

10. What are some facts readers may not know about Losing Time? Apologies, this is gonna get really long! 

I really struggled with a few things: 

Lup’s emotions, like I mentioned above.

The Barry/Sildar name thing. It just started as part of his confusion when Lup first comes in. I headcanon hard the thing about Barry was a typo and the twins never let it go and then they added the Bluejeans part. I feel like for a little while it maybe bothered him but then he realized it came from a place of love - the twins tease everyone about everything and that was the earliest sign they accepted him - and so he embraced the name to the point that Lucretia didn’t try to erase it with the void fish. (In my Barry POV story he tries to give his ‘real’ name when alive and memory-less but it just doesn’t feel right so he goes by Barry. So when the coin says “Your name is Barry Bluejeans” it’s not just saying: here’s proof I know what I’m talking about. It’s saying: here’s proof you know what I’m taking about.)  Then in this story, the name thing became a bigger issue. It was him standing up for himself, making himself a full fledged part of things, not just a wounded bird they were dragging along and looking out for. (Which is also why he knocks out the guy with the empty health pot. Even without magic, Barry is a fucking scrapper who will try his damnedest to hold his own.) And I felt like Lup would absolutely respect his wishes on that. Taako slips up not because he doesn’t care but because he’s so much more off the cuff about things. It’s not coming from disrespect, it’s habit. But what I really went back and forth on was how does the narrative refer to him? Is it confusing to switch in the middle? I decided it would be more confusing to call him Barry while the characters called him Sildar. Also, obviously, it was going to be part of the conclusion. The most confusing was when they’re talking about things that happened to Barry before he was de-aged. Kravitz goes back and forth then just calls that person Barry-of-three-days-ago which seemed a very Kravitz way to handle things.

Writing that scene at the end of part 14. I knew that was coming for a while. Sildar had to make the decision that saving the innocent mattered. I knew there’d be a happy ending. I knew what the Raven Queen was up to. I knew pretty quickly (though not immediately!) that Lup referencing him saying “last first kiss” would come back. But that scene... it was important! It needed to be big! It needed to feel like a sacrifice! And I was writing it and it was... okay. And then, without thought or plan I typed “and then he let her go.” And reader, I fucking cried. I cried and I shut my laptop. I’ve NEVER cried at my own writing. Now, I’m well aware that the line only has power because of GRIFFIN’S words and I’m fine with that. I’m not trying to claim any skill or effectiveness. I’m saying it was a gift that finally gave the scene the weight it needed. The scene got better on editing but I could work on it for a hundred years and never get it to where I wanted it to be. But that line redeemed it, got it as close as it was going to get. Having said all that? I know that people will HATE me for cliffhanger-ing there. I honestly thought for a long time that it would end on a very long part 14. And then it kept getting longer and longer and I scrolled back up going... where can I break this and... yeah. I’m sorry. That’s where it needed to break. That’s the shift in things. That’s where the pause belonged.

And then...... Sildar stabs himself. I knew that dagger was coming a long time back. I was pretty sure when Taako asked Angus to research he was going to find info on the dagger. I knew the dagger - this ancient magic weapon that actually belonged to The Raven Queen (part of why she was SO FURIOUS) - was the magic explanation for what was happening. And I knew that he’d already been hit with it. (I hope it’s implied clearly enough in the story that is what happened even though the specific events of 3 days ago are never clearly explained.) And look, it’s rough stuff. I knew and I know. But I literally could not think of any other way for it to work. He had to make that decision. This was not him committing suicide. I realize that’s a fucking razor thin margin but that was not my intent. This was him saying, I fucked up and while it’s not entirely my fault I now take responsibility for this innocent and will do what I can to fix the situation. And since he wasn’t a reaper anymore... His touch didn’t work, his blood didn’t work... because literally his soul was the key. Also... in case it’s not clear I’ll say it here: The Raven Queen totally knew this was the best case secnario but she couldn’t say that. Her hands were tied. That’s why she’s ANGRY AS HELL. Someone fucked with her people and she’s furious. Sildar is out of her hands. He really was clear of his lichdom and his service to her and had he died without the ‘decision’ between him and Istus going the way that it did, his soul would have released to the Primordial Soup/Sea of Souls. The Queen knew this was the only way this could work out and she couldn’t influence it. That’s why she couldn’t manipulate space to get him on that path. She only did it the first time to protect him. She booked out of her court because she could not participate any further in the proceedings without influencing things she wasn’t allowed to alter. In the Stockade, she’s the one who opened the portal for the innocent. The string disappeared (Istus’s dominion over him) and she regifted him the feather (her dominion over him and all that entailed.)

Oh, and one last, small thing. Just for bookending, when Barry checks to see if he can summon his staff? He says the exact same thing he said before he went through the portal. Only this time, of course, it works. I hoped that was proof enough that everything was fixed.

If you’ve read all this, thank you! I feel like I owe you a prize or something. Thanks so much for sticking with me through this project. It was fun. I hope there’s more stuff like this to come!

[twinkgami]

just a long ass vent sesh about my romantic life and self deprecation issues. 

ive been wondering a lot recently about why i feel like no one will ever love me and i remember that everyone ive dated has either

said yes bc they wanted to spare my feelings and didnt actually like me at all

came out as being asexual/aromantic right after we break up

cheated on me / hopped from relationship to relationship / literally asked me out saying i was their second choice (in my ex’s words, “neither of our crushes are gonna like us back, how about we date?”)

like, no wonder im so fucked up about it. i already have terrible self worth, all this has just bred me to think im gonna die alone and that ill never find anyone who’ll genuinely love me

its just like on a bad day, all this validates my intrusive self deprecating thoughts? like ill think about how ugly i am or how fat i am or just how awkward my body looks and ill remember “well none of the people whove dated me have been like, legit attracted to me so i guess that means i really am ugly”

ive never felt like someone really genuinely wanted me in their life. ive always felt like im not bad, but just something extra. im not something desirable. ill literally kill for the day i meet someone who just loves to be around me and thinks im beautiful. 

god the absolute worst part is that i dont accept compliments at all. so maybe someone has felt that way about me and i just brushed it off? like i hate myself so much that i think everytime someone gives me a compliment theyre overcompensating for something they actually hate about me or think im insecure about, or theyre secretly making fun of me by trying to get my hopes up

heh. anyway i just hope i meet someone this year who i can open up to. i think thats what im scared most about. ive taken a long break from relationships bc i really needed to do some soul searching and maturing. like, i want a relationship so badly my fuckin idiot heart aches like every single day thinking about how lonely i am while everyone else i know is young and in love. i just get crushes every 3 seconds on anyone that breathes near me. 

i wanna stop having stupid little crushes and just fall in love with someone who wants to fall in love with me back. even when i write something like that my brain immediately thinks “thats so impossible. youre just gonna look like a fool. what if you fall in love with them and they dont take it seriously? do you know what love even is? youre so overdramatic” like i feel stupid for being a hopeless romantic. like its a dumb idea at all that i should want love

idk this turned into uh. way longer than i wanted. but i felt like i was gonna explode today and guess i kinda did?

yelling about my problems into the void does make me feel better than talking to a friend at least. i always feel so guilty whenever i talk about any of my problems ever.