#mentally. physically. emotionally. financially. broke me.

[imwritesometimes]

you cannot make this shit up - my heater is out again

[eatmangoesnekkid]

Ladies, if you are being penetrated by him, he must know himself as a God. Even if your lover (no matter the gender) does not say those words or refer to themselves as such, you will be able to sense it in their daily actions. When I speak about masculine energy, that God energy, I'm not speaking about the performance like how a person's postures themselves or their overall banter. When I speak about masculine energy, I am speaking about tactile external structures like what are your lover's main focuses in life? How does your lover treat their body? Is your lover on social media all the time? What is their attention focused on? How does your lover manage resources including their money and "free time" like are they only playing video games, watching TV or sitting around in other ways when not working? I think of someone like Nipsey Hussle, who practiced semen retention, an archetype of human power who didn’t just carry masculine bravado, but organized and directed energy into a practice that procured success, those masters of our time who lived in more elevated ways. Other masculine archetypes I connect to are David Goggins, Joe Dispenza, Bruce Lee, Sun Ra, and many female and male athletes like Angel Reese and Deion Sanders. Too many woman have dead men/masculine energy hanging around their root, which means that they have very weak masculine energy entering their bodies and lives. Weak masculine energy makes you broke and tired because it makes no space for your actual feminine energy to shine and thrive. Weak masculine energy negatively affects your physical structure and taxes you financially and emotionally, like the lack of confidence or willpower you will have to move through discomfort or hard times. You must find ways to exalt the masculine energy within you if you want to excel in the this 3D energy. It is masculine energy that helps you to not only say the thing, but the become the thing. It is this energy that makes you completely comfortable with being the villian in another person’s story and not need to please everyone. This was one of my biggest coming-into-maturity lessons of all time. Goddess energy is lovely, the subtle and internal are deeply essential, but they are only truthful when God energy has been integrated. How can you raise the God in you? This is one major reason that I have been weightlifting nearly every week over the last 20 years. Even when I travel, I also grace the local gym as part of my traveling adventure. It’s the God in me that allowed me to confidently workout at Lee Haney’s gym on Ponce de Leon in Atlanta back in the day in the part of the weightlifting area where mostly big burly muscular men went as they stared at my ass while I squatted. It was a little icky and annoying at times but it was that God in me that mandated me to not tiptoe around or shrink like a little girl and only leave this area of the gym when I was done with what I came to do. Getting stronger not only helped my mental health and made me more confident, it is helped to dissolve a lot of the recurring low-grade depressive energy that was often part of my life. Strengthening my belly, my solar plexus, my sense of self, has been my discipline, one way I exalt the God, H.I.M., the masculine, within me. I never consciously realized that I tend to go into a gym feeling like a God until this morning--like "I can do this; I'm ready,” especially mustering this energy up on days when I don't really want to go, when going to the gym feels hard. Ultimately you can only attract God when you know yourself as a God, not intellectually because you read the Bible (many people who only read the Bible all the time stay broke and broken), but the God living in your own body and treat yourself accordingly. You can’t receive what you haven’t given to yourself. It's simple math. 1+1=2. -India Ame'ye, Author

[jaegeraether]

Sunsets and footballers (Part 78)

Alexia Putellas x Character (34)

Masterlist (other parts here)

((**Lil one - 1.4k**))

ALEXIA POV

Alexia went still, her whole body frozen. Ridley was there. On her knees. Staring up at Alexia. Those dark eyes troubled, her hair its usual messy and perfect look, and her smell. Fuck. Her lips. Fuck. That scar. Fuck. Ridley.

How did she-? It was an airline. Of course she knew. And she was probably also responsible for their upgrade to first class.

Ridley reached up slowly and pulled Alexia’s noise cancelling headphones down and around her neck with a gentleness that seemed to be only for her.

“La Reina..”

“Ridley..” She breathed. Who was she kidding? She was never going to get over her.

They were silent for a few moments, just taking each other in. Alexia unclipped her belt to lean forward, closer to her. The need to touch her and be touched by her was almost too much to bear.

“You left,” she whispered, hurt.

“I did.”

“You fucking left, Ridley.”

Ridley nodded, leaning closer to her also. “I’m sorry, Lex.” Her finger tips brushed Alexia’s hair from her cheek and just that small touch send shivers down her spine.

“I need to say something, if you’d let me.”

Did she deserve that? “Go ahead.”

“I ran… I ran, and I’m sorry. You deserve better.” Ridley was being vulnerable with her which made Alexia just want to touch her, anywhere, in support. To feel her skin on her own and make sure it was real. That she was real. “Lex… you can’t understand how torn I am… how conflicted. Half of me wants you to leave and find happiness elsewhere, away from me, so I don’t taint your beautiful soul with my darkened one. The other half begs for you, yearns for you, dreams about you and selfishly wants you close to me, always.”

“You always said that you weren’t good for me, but I never believed you. I still don’t.”

Ridley sighed, looking down. “I feel like I’m not good for anybody, and I didn’t want to put that burden on you for simply loving me. I went away and couldn’t stop my thoughts. I was conflicted. But amongst my confliction, I missed one very important thing. I didn’t give you a choice.”

She looked up at her, her heart on her sleeve.

“My soul is tainted, Lex. I���ve done horrible things that I’ll regret for the rest of my life. But I also know that I’ve never felt about anyone, the way I feel about you. You’ll always be safe with me, whether it’s physically, mentally, financially… I’m still working on the emotionally part. You bring far too much out of me in that regard.”

Alexia’s lips trembled at the pure, unfiltered emotion in her voice. She was being so brave and speaking so beautifully. So vulnerably.

A flight attendant tapped Ridley’s shoulder to say boarding was almost finished and she nodded, telling her she’d only be a few minutes.

“Lex, meeting you broke a spell I’ve been under for a long time. Meeting you made me realise that maybe I was worthy of love after all. You took up space in my heart before I even knew it, and now, it seems you’re there to stay. I feel sorry for the Ridley before you because she didn’t realise how much love and happiness she was missing without you. You’ve changed me forever, and I’ll happily spend the rest of my life trying to thank you.” She cupped her cheek and stroked it with her thumb. “Regardless of if you want to stay or go…”

Ridley was giving her a choice. And even though she’d never meant to, it was the one and only choice she’d ever denied her.

Alexia’s heart broke. She leant down, her hands needing to touch her, and her cheek pressed against her own. She just needed to be close to her.

“I’m damaged..” she whispered, her breath soft against Alexia’s cheek.

“You’re human…” Alexia replied softly against hers, nudging it a little as if to wake her from her stupor.

“I’m broken.”

Alexia’s hand travelled down until it rested over her heart, feeling that strong beat. “You feel whole to me.”

Ridley’s hands found Alexia’s wrists and gripped on, as if to keep her there. Wanting her close.

Alexia’s lips brushed their way up to her forehead where she gave a singular kiss with more love and passion than she had ever expressed before. So much so, that it even surprised her. “I’m right here.”

Her hands were either side of her jaw now, Alexia’s cheek resting against her eyebrow. They stayed like that for a time, until the reality of where they were set in. Ridley pulled back and the expression she had on her face affected Alexia so much, that she could feel all of Ridley’s emotions.

That’s the moment Alexia knew she’d completely and desperately fallen in love with her.

“I’m sorry I ran,” she whispered again, her face betraying her pain. Ridley was letting herself be emotional with her, and it caught Alexia completely by surprise in the best kind of way. She knew what it meant. She was letting her in.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not. Not at all. Now the choice is yours, Lex.”

Alexia thought on it for a minute or so until she spoke. “I want you, Lee. In every single way. But relationships are a two-way street, and they start with us as individuals. I want you. I lov-“ She stopped herself and sucked in a breath. Fuck, she really loved her. “I… but right now you need to find that part of you that doesn’t believe you deserve to be loved, and you need to learn to love yourself. To know in your heart that you deserve to love and be loved.. because you do. You fucking do. You deserve the world.”

Ridley’s face broke, and then hardened slightly. It was an honest truth that she needed, but of course it hurt.

“You’re… right.”

Alexia leant forward again, her lips on her forehead and kissed her there. “I know,” she whispered. “And I truly hope you can find that, because you deserve to have the love of your life.”

She pulled back and Ridley was holding herself strong, surprisingly. “Is there any hope for us?”

Alexia’s pride and independence crept up. She knew what she needed. “If you can learn to love yourself, and promise me that you’ll stay. That you won’t run away again. That you’re ready to move forwards, together.” Ridley was paying attention closely like she always did. She was always a good listener. “I need you to be here for me, like I am for you. I need security.”

“How will you know that I’m ready?”

Alexia smiled. “You’ll fight for me. For us.”

Ridley almost smiled. She liked that idea, it seemed. “Until then… can we be friends?”

“Friends who love each other, yes. Yes, please. I’d like that.” She needed Ridley to prove that she was there to stay.

“Hm.” She liked that answer. Ridley looked over her shoulder and gestured to the flight attendant who came by. “No change to the manifest. Please stand the ground crew down. Leave the baggage and pet on board.”

She nodded with a smile at Ridley that had Alexia’s jealousy spike and left.

“You’re leaving Chiquito with me?”

“I can’t take him away from you..”

“He’s yours.”

“I think you’ll find that he’s ours now.”

Typical Ridley sass. She loved it.

“We can share him…”

Ridley smiled her agreement and the Spaniard didn’t realise how much she’d missed seeing that. Seeing her lips curve upwards and her scar move on her cheek. She reached out and touched it.

“Deal.” She said as she rocked back on her heels and stood. “Good bye, Alexia.”

Alexia caught her arm as she went to turn, and pulled her back down, their faces so close she could kiss her without a thought. Though it most definitely was a thought. Their first kiss. “Ridley?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t leave again. Fight for me. Fight for us.”

Ridley clipped her belt up, pulling it tight across her hips. Fuck.

And then her thumb traced her lips ever so gently. Ever the cheeky Ridley. “I will. Do you know why?”

Her thumb was still on her lower lip, and Alexia couldn’t form words at that point. She shook her head.

“Because you’re fucking mine, Alexia.”

[kissmethroughthebone]

Some self-reflection...

I definitely don't respect men with kids my age who want to get it on with me. At least have the nerve to not reproduce, so that the whole "older guy going for young attractive model" thing can be just that, and not so visibly "the model is only 3 years older than your kid".

And I know my inherent misandry and impatience did a two hit combo on a guy who fit that exact description recently.

Bald middle aged Indian dude. The type of man to praise me (and repeatedly talk over me) for not drinking when we first met at a bar of a comedy show, then over text, suggest our next meet-up be at a jazz bar and restaurant.

Not the worst thing in the world, (and actually sounded like a nice tempting first meet for a Friday night; I had been interested in the jazz bar, and the restaurant suggestion was actually a favorite of mine that I had been to before.....) but, a man monologuing about how absolutely good it is that I don't drink alcohol, just to be all "Let's go to this bar and then dinner", and "You like champagne/wine/rose?" a day or so later is..... not great.

Not to mention his lack of manners in letting me get a word in edge-wise. Not a great trait, but I was open to blaming that on the noisy bar, a socially awkward personality type on him, and him being too excited to talk to a woman easily.

And of course I never believe a man when he says he wants to be "just friends"; I've never interacted with him before, and he's significantly older. The only person in my life who is 100% that, is a taken man. (Who does date girls my age, or even younger.) There's nothing that I, a 23 year old fly black girl, could be "friends" with that man, about.

And funny enough, he was also the type that got weird when I mentioned wanting to text a bit more before our meetup to get to know each other, (code for "I don't know you well enough to know if I can handle or tolerate a prolonged 30+ minute non-alcoholic beverage and dinner with you, so I wanna know about your life/politics/otherwise so that neither person has a bad shock and any time wasted",) and he was all "Well we are meeting tomorrow......... right?"

.............Rubbed me the wrong way.

Overall, let's just say I'm not interested in dates with men who want to see me for free or for very little.

My phone ended up breaking the morning of our date. 135 dollars.

I'm a strong believer in "Why would I give a man my presence, if he can't do anything for me?" I like and require all the men on my roster to be able to help. If I have multiple men hovering around and none can do a thing for me, physically, mentally, emotionally, or financially, then that's a problem.

Was I about to see a bald middle-aged man for an awkward drink at a bar, some condescending rants and impromptu speeches and monologues, and a plate of food at a decent place that I could be enjoying with a younger, cuter, richer and more polite man?

Not with a broken screen. The way my temper is, I can't stand men who want to be in my presence when I am broke. Like, why are you here?

Then he gets the luxury of looking like The Man to everyone else. Fist bumps in the bathroom from the other men there, winks from waiters, all of that. Looking like a man who can pull and has an It Factor. Meanwhile, I get a headache, that turns into a migraine.... And some enjoyable leftovers to cover up the bad taste in my mouth of being around a not great man.

And I wouldn't even have the luxury to type on here about how well (or poorly) my date had gone. Because, smashed phone screen. And yet, some man got to enjoy oggling me up and down for free.

Ew.

I know, I know. I could've strategized more. I could've gone on the date, maybe had the experience of it and seen how well I can bond with a man and play the long game. Hook, line, and sink. Make a man build an attachment first and charm him well, right?

But I also figured, "Remember the last few times when you went on dates with old men, and they usually just went on extremely stupid rants, while attempting lovebombing or perversion? Then had the nerve to hesitate to discuss allowance or not offer shit?"

Like oh suuuure, old man almost triple my age, I'll scour the Craigslist marketplace free section and haul a dingy piece of furniture home because you think it's "too soon" to be a man and help get me a dresser. But meanwhile he didn't think it was too soon to try to massage my neck in his car or ask filthy questions. (UGH I cringe, I cringe, HARD).

And I am not a patient person when it comes to things like this. Or a nice one. Like oh, you take me for a fool? You want all the privileges of my company and not want to improve my life quality, despite your abundance?

Now you're no better than an ant on a picnic blanket to me; something to flick away.

Debating on if I lean more into being unafraid to cut men off immediately (seems to be going well so far) or working on my charm, and the best ways to test if a man is generous pre-meet.....

Some ladies can do it well. "It appears I have to cancel our date tonight, I had my phone break and I have to work out the details on how I can pay for that to get it fixed", to make him have the urge to suggest helping himself like it was his idea... Or other tactics. Still have to learn, feel free to give insight.

I did a more straightforward technique of telling him what happened, how it ruined my day. He said "I hope our drinks and date can make it better". I said "I think a little money to help get it fixed could make it better, that way I can focus on just our nice date. I would like to see you tonight, I was looking forward to it."

He didn't say much aside from "Thank you for considering seeing me." Vague, and felt like a blatant dismissal or a hint to cancelling our plans. And, well, I felt relieved.

And simultaneously, a bit annoyed, frankly.

I forget how much time passed before I got a tad hotheaded, and simply said something about how not wanting to help is understandable, but I have no reason to meet as a "friend" with a man who has a college-school son my age...

Working on stabilizing my blood pressure, and also noticing that my hotheadedness is a vice at times, and a blessing at other times. Like yeah, one can say my hotheadedness stopped me from a multi-course pre-fixe meal at my favorite restaurant, but on the other end of it, I also saved myself from a man with massive red flags a week ago with this same temperament.

If being entitled to my own autonomy and standards makes the worst men ever flee from me, then let me continue on and enjoy such!

But on the bright side, I did enjoy a night at home watching video game streams and listening to the most popular rap beef right now, and if I instead utilized my time and energy to buy hair products, suffer detangling my 4c hair in the shower, adorn myself in amazing jewels and a cute outfit, and tolerated that evening with that man, I would've probably ended up cold, annoyed, and frustrated.

And instead, I had the time of my life and made massive strides for things I wanted done around my place. Even invited over L on my roster to help me clean and organize, had a great time with a hot younger guy who actually put in the work with me.

Plus it's unsafe to go out with a broken phone anyway. Not like I lived far from the restaurant at all, not at all, but still... All in all, I can picture being not great if I scraped myself together looking fly all for a man to, at the end of a date with lovebombing and gaslighting galore, to go "I can't do that, I don't know you that well!"

Better to stay home with my hair wild, peanut butter sandwiches, and a lot of blankets. My own company, always.

Anyway, ta-ta for now.

[saintmeghanmarkle]

Reconciliation with the Sussexes - has the Victim of Abuse a duty to forgive? by u/EleFacCafele

Reconciliation with the Sussexes - has the Victim of Abuse a duty to forgive? Is it Easter season, a time for reconciliation. As a practicing Christian, I had to face the issue of forgiveness in relation to my ex husband. I was a victim of extreme abuse, both physically, emotionally and financially from my ex. I spare you the details, they are appalling. Suffice to say that I found myself suffering from PTSD, in a foreign country, homeless, financially broke and with two devastated teenagers. No family and only one friend as support. All my past life I knew was wiped out in hours. The story of my survival, reinvention and thriving is too long to put it here.The main thing that kept me from having a mental breakdown in those dark years was my Christian faith. The issue of forgiving came very early and I decided to take the path of forgiveness. I forgave my ex in my soul and spirit but made no public mention of it, not even to my sons. Nobody knew about my process of forgiveness and the effort it took to truly forgive. It is a long process and takes time, especially in case of big trauma. But in the end I forgave him in my soul. My PTSD took 20 years to go away.Never told my ex : I forgive you. Why? Because he never asked for forgiveness. I took the liberty to forgive him in my soul but never told him, as his lack of repentance and remorse (typically narc) made telling him unnecessary. My message to the British Royals would be: it is good thing to forgive the Sussexes in your souls according to your Christian faith, but you have no obligation to tell them publicly as long they have no remorse, no repentance. No public display of reconciliation. Jesus tells us to forgive if there is remorse and forgiveness is asked. But in absence of remorse, repentance, guilt, reconciliation must not be offered. The Victim owes nothing to the Abuser, much less forgiveness and reconciliation. It the forgiveness exists, it should be strictly between the wronged party and God, nobody else needs to know about it. Abusers must not be told about being forgiven, as they will take this forgiveness as a sign or weakness, and the Victim as the guilty party. They will get a narc high out of reconciliation. Keep in mind the incident when Catherine the POW, sent flowers to Megsy Markle. The harpy made a public display on Oprah of Catherine being guilty . Narc on a high trip.Anyone who talks about the Royals having to reconcile with the Sussexes doesn't understand what forgiveness and reconciliation is all about. They are pearls not to be given to pigs, as they will destroy them. post link: https://ift.tt/8mvIo5L author: EleFacCafele submitted: April 01, 2024 at 08:24AM via SaintMeghanMarkle on Reddit disclaimer: all views + opinions expressed by the author of this post, as well as any comments and reblogs, are solely the author's own; they do not necessarily reflect the views of the administrator of this Tumblr blog. For entertainment only.

[nerdywyrds]

Still thinking about Pluto. I'll put my thoughts under a cut for Pluto fans to avoid.

The thing that gets me is it has a really good story in there, the writing is just incomplete/lazy. Here are a few unanswered questions that bugged me as I watched the show:

What happened to the grandson and his mother? We spend like thirty minutes freaking out that they're going to be killed by the Pluto-tornado, and then as soon as Atom is injured we completely forget the grandson and mother exist and they are literally never mentioned again. Even though they are related to a major character!

What happened to Duncan? We spent an hour going through his life story and watching his character development. He finally found true happiness for the first time in his long life and then his friend and caretaker was murdered in front of him. Does he get a new caretaker? Is it another robot? Is his happiness shattered? Is he able to find peace again? Does he keep North No 2's legs as a memento? Does he get a new piano protege? Does he ever play piano again?

What happened to Wassily? This already deeply traumatized child was juuuust starting to heal and then he was sold by his caretakers to a bad man who kidnapped him to a different country, a different bad man physically threatened and hurt him, a monster threatened him, and then his caretaker was brutally murdered while protecting him. Is he like, going to be okay? Eventually? Is he going to go back to the orphanage he was living in with the caretakers who broke his trust? Will he ever recover mentally and emotionally from what happened to him?

Does the bodyguard who protected Wassily stay with the orphanage or does he move on?

How is Brando's family doing? Are they going to be okay financially? I was also unclear on whether they were robots or human-- I might have missed it if it was said-- so if they are robots, do they get to go through the same thing and become extra special like Helena and experience the human emotions of grief and anger?

How did Brau 1589 get to Turkey? Did Atom unpin him from the wall? How did he get past all those security measures keeping him confined? Did they just let him leave? Did Atom clear it with the guards? If not, how did Brau get past them without killing them? Did he crawl from wherever he was (Japan? Germany?) to Turkey? If he was in Japan, how did he get across the ocean? How did he get into the bunker thing the teddy bear was in? Were there any guards he had to get past?

I don't think the teddy bear was adequately foreshadowed or explained. I know he ended up being The Mastermind, but he felt completely disconnected from literally everything else. For the majority of his scenes my general reaction was just "bwuh??" His death completely neutralizing the existential threat was just too tidy for such a complicated story.

What was up with the child robot that killed Gesicht? I'm assuming he got body jacked by Pluto, but like, when did this happen? Who brought him from Turkey to Germany? Who strapped that gun to his arm? Was it cockroach man? Goji? Why did Gesicht get to be killed by a child while everyone else (of the robots) got to be killed by Pluto himself? Why didn't Gesicht get the horns calling card?

Who was cockroach man? Functionally he was just a goon who showed up when we needed a non-Goji non-Pluto villain, but in-universe, who exactly was he? Why were there a lot of him?

What the hell was up with Bora? I know a big mystery of the show was "what is Bora" but "it's a giant evil robot but don't worry Pluto kills it in ten minutes" it a pretty unsatisfying answer.

I think there is a really good story in Pluto, it's just if you think about any non-Atom story bit for longer than a few minutes, or if you care about any of the side characters, it falls apart. I just find it to be very lazy writing because so many characters exist only to further the plot or give the protagonists something to do.

I really wanted to like the show, I just kept thinking about the dropped storylines and characters and getting irritated at the lack of answers.

[0xo]

tw abuse & transmisogyny tho

it is kind of nuts that on the flipside of having incredible trans relationships, i've also been treated like dirt by former partners who happened to be transfem, and it like... sucks. hard. to feel a little bit unable to talk about how they treated me for fear of people interpreting that as me not loving or respecting trans women.

like. idk. especially one ex in particular. having my life threatened and being emotionally/physically/financially abused really really really sucked. especially because i loved her a lot and still really, really care about her. it took literally years for me to tell the full story to our mutual close friends because. i didn't want them to cut her out of our community. like "exile abusers" blah blah blah but she NEEDED friends and support, she was also going through a hard time, the last thing she needed was for every local friend she had to drop her or talk shit about her. even if she did really really mean things to me. i still want her to be happy.

it was hard telling k about what actually happened because he was so mad, not at me but at her, asked why i didn't tell the whole story sooner, all that. and all i could say was that i was afraid she would get more hurt. i didn't want her to be isolated. and i asked him, if you knew what she'd done, would you have been so nice that day when she showed up and scared the hell out of me? and he said no, i would've understood why you were so scared, i would've told her to leave. and i said EXACTLY, she wasn't in a state to leave, she needed a soft place to land. even if it meant she broke a promise to me. don't you get it? i didn't want her to end up dead. i still had an obligation to her to try and keep her safe.

i don't know. like. there is no such thing as a perfect abuse victim and you don't have to forgive your abuser or try to make things easier for them or protect their reputation from the truth of what they did. i just. couldn't let it all blow up immediately, right? i could only tell the truth after she was in another place, a better mental state, with more support that wasn't connected to here or our mutual friends.

and it's weird because we're still kind of friends, sort of. and i still care a lot about her. she has so so so many good traits, she's talented and beautiful and smart, and. i didn't want the way she treated me to get in the way of her recovering and having a good life. i want to believe it was all a really really big mistake, that she didn't mean it, that it was just the drugs and the sobriety attempts talking. and pushing and threatening. like yes take responsibility for how you act but also, maybe, that wasn't really her. maybe she's really actually a great person and we were just in a really difficult situation. i know that's not realistic but god i hope maybe she didn't mean it.

idk. abuse makes you feel absolutely insane sometimes. five years later im still grappling with that. the gender layers just make it more complicated because i never wanted to be that asshole who ruins the life of a trans woman over petty stuff. but it. wasn't petty stuff, and i know that and i have witnesses, it was genuinely bad. and i still couldn't/can't bring myself to write her off as a terrible person. because i really and truly don't think she is one. i believe she's changed and i believe she's better and i believe she's got the potential to do amazing things.

and i'm not looking for brownie points by saying all this, i'm not trying to paint myself as a saint for the act of still treating her like a human. i was never perfect. and i don't want to hold it over her head, okay? that's not what this is about. i am not a wonderful person for trying to forgive her. i am just trying to minimize the damage for both of us.

i'm just. still processing. and i think the way i had to handle it kind of complicates things. i've had people accuse me of "protecting abusers" because i don't really publicly talk much about what she did, i don't "warn" people about her. but. it's not necessarily anyone's business? they're not entitled to know the details of one of the worst periods of my life just so they can get some sick glee out of regurgitating it, using it as a reason to alienate her... using my pain as social currency. it's not their business. especially if she's changed her behavior? she doesn't treat her wife like she treated me, thank god. and if i'd gone out to crucify her... i don't think she would've gotten better. she may have hurt me but i don't want to hurt her in return. she doesn't deserve that. i didn't deserve cruelty from her and she doesn't deserve cruelty from me.

i'm not looking for validation that i've done the "right thing." i'm not sure there is a "right thing" to do coming out of all that. i just need to talk about it a little bit. because maybe other people who've survived shit situations need to hear that it's okay to have complicated feelings.

but her changing for the better doesn't. erase. what happened or how it affected me. the flashbacks and nightmares and general fear and anxiety. the added layer onto my pre-existing ptsd. it's difficult to process and talk about. it's affected the way i relate to people and my ability to trust. (i'm forever grateful that my current girlfriend saw what was happening and stepped in to protect me... sometimes i only really feel safe when i'm with her, because i know she's not going to hurt me or let anyone else hurt me. i can actually relax when she's around. she's safe.)

and idk, i guess the thing is, i could've let that experience turn me bitter towards trans women. i could've blasted my ex publicly and tried to ruin her life, and i probably could've succeeded at it. but. i never wanted that. i needed to be away from her, and she shouldn't have done those things, but i was never willing to turn it into a witch hunt. and it was a trans woman who came to protect me when i thought i was going to be murdered! it was my trans fem partners that helped me get out and get safe. i owe them my life. they didn't have to help me but they did.

so it's confusing to me that some people are so transmisogynistic because... what, a trans woman was a little rude to you on the internet? she called you out on your transmisogyny??? you feel personally emotionally attacked or some shit?

like. please get real. you're just hateful. not to be like "oh i got over a horrible experience so you should shut up," but. i lived through hell, i was abused by a trans woman, and i still don't have a nasty attitude about trans women in general. so i think some of you should shut the fuck up. trans women have every right to be angry and snarky when you treat them like shit!!!

i think it's just. difficult. to watch people act like fuckheads. i deeply, deeply love and respect the trans women in my life - including the ones who hurt me. and some of these assholes are throwing hissy fits about jokes and well-deserved criticisms of how they treat/talk about trans women. like. just admit you don't like trans women specifically. don't pretend you're being attacked. i know what being attacked is and, i gotta say, it's NOT that!

wishing people would view other people, especially trans women, as Real Actual Humans and not just a collection of their worst moments. it's so dehumanizing and so blatant and i'm sick of it

[spenjelly]

TW : rant/dump

I’m not fishing for anything, I just really needed to say this, and I’m not willing to put it on anyone I know. Please don’t read this if you’re unwell. I don’t want to add to anyone else’s struggle

I just needed to get off my chest,

This couple weeks have been… not good.

My grandma has been making sui/homi threats when she can’t get more pain meds, my grandpa is obsessed with conspiracy politics and won’t keep it to himself, my mom depends on me emotionally

My shelf came off the wall and broke my file box and shattered a glass frame all over the floor

I spilled soda so incredibly that it got on my carpet, walls, floor, the bottom of my bed (?), my printer, my extension cord, my yarn basket, and so many other places I keep finding

I ruined an entire load of clothes with chapstick, it will not come out, and my mom tossed them

My air purifier itself has started smelling like mold despite upkeep

My windowsill is covered in mold and my plaster is cake and even my carpenter uncle can’t figure out my Schrödinger studs

Because of all these things I’ve been having to fix or account for on top of my medical bills and car bills and insurance bills I can’t even quite make it paycheck to paycheck

I don’t have the time or money to take care of procedures I’m supposed to have done already

My doctor says I’m in the chronic pain of someone twice my age and that my job isn’t going to work for me in the long term and my job is trying to shove me out but I can’t find another job that won’t kill my mental health, physical health, or support me financially

Im just stuck,

I’m stuck.

[renee-writer]

“He received 39 stripes because 40 was known to kill a man. They wanted him alive. They held handfuls of his beard, and hair and pulled it out by the roots. They wanted him alive. They kicked, punched, and spit on him for hours. Until there wasn't a single spot on his body not covered in blood. They wanted him alive.

They shoved a crown of thorns down on his head so harshly it stuck in his skin. They wanted him alive. After hours of being beaten, mocked, whipped, flogged, and tortured they made him walk with a cross. They made him carry it. A rough piece of wood with splinters digging into fresh wounds. They wanted him alive.

They wanted him to feel every ounce of pain they could bring. He had to feel it in order to heal us. Crucifixion was historically one of the cruelest most tortured deaths a human could face. Hours upon hours of torture. Torture most of us can not mentally think of because the cruelty isn't normal. It isn't something our minds can comprehend. We celebrate Easter with pastel colors, happy children hunting eggs, and chocolate. Truth is there was absolutely nothing happy about the day Jesus died. It was cruel, bloody, and nasty.

He could have stopped all of it. He could have called every angel in heaven to demolish every person standing and shouting "Crucify Him!" He didn't. He knew in order to have a Sunday you have to have a Friday. He knew in order to have joy you have to carry your cross. He felt everything that day. He felt how your heart broke wide open when you had to watch your baby die. He felt how heavy your life was when you were staring down the barrel of a gun wondering if the man you called husband was going to shoot you. He carried the weight of the burden you have felt since your spouse died and life just doesn't seem right since.

On that cross he held the rapist and murderers, the sinner and the saint. He leveled every playing field and said ALL of you are worth it. He knew he had to carry the cross. He never promised the cross you carry in this life would not be heavy. His wasn't. His promise is that Sunday is coming.

No matter how heavy Friday is. Financially, emotionally, mentally, or physically. Friday is heavy. That cross is weighing you down and you are about to crumble under its weight. His promise was simply this. He won't make you carry it alone. What kind of king would step down from his throne for this?

Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God did. For you.

He did every bit of it for you and me. Oh yes it is heavy. So heavy sometimes you do not think you can take one more step. But look up, because Sunday is coming.”

I do not know who wrote this, but it is POWERFUL!

[moments777]

ISunday is coming

“He received 39 stripes because 40 was known to kill a man. They wanted him alive. They held handfuls of his beard, and hair and pulled it out by the roots. They wanted him alive. They kicked, punched, and spit on him for hours. Until there wasn't a single spot on his body not covered in blood. They wanted him alive.

They shoved a crown of thorns down on his head so harshly it stuck in his skin. They wanted him alive. After hours of being beaten, mocked, whipped, flogged, and tortured they made him walk with a cross. They made him carry it. A rough piece of wood with splinters digging into fresh wounds. They wanted him alive.

They wanted him to feel every ounce of pain they could bring. He had to feel it in order to heal us. Crucifixion was historically one of the cruelest most tortured deaths a human could face. Hours upon hours of torture. Torture most of us can not mentally think of because the cruelty isn't normal. It isn't something our minds can comprehend. We celebrate Easter with pastel colors, happy children hunting eggs, and chocolate. Truth is there was absolutely nothing happy about the day Jesus died. It was cruel, bloody, and nasty.

He could have stopped all of it. He could have called every angel in heaven to demolish every person standing and shouting "Crucify Him!" He didn't. He knew in order to have a Sunday you have to have a Friday. He knew in order to have joy you have to carry your cross. He felt everything that day. He felt how your heart broke wide open when you had to watch your baby die. He felt how heavy your life was when you were staring down the barrel of a gun wondering if the man you called husband was going to shoot you. He carried the weight of the burden you have felt since your spouse died and life just doesn't seem right since.

On that cross he held the rapist and murderers, the sinner and the saint. He leveled every playing field and said ALL of you are worth it. He knew he had to carry the cross. He never promised the cross you carry in this life would not be heavy. His wasn't. His promise is that Sunday is coming.

No matter how heavy Friday is. Financially, emotionally, mentally, or physically. Friday is heavy. That cross is weighing you down and you are about to crumble under its weight. His promise was simply this. He won't make you carry it alone. What kind of king would step down from his throne for this?

Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God did. For you.

He did every bit of it for you and me. Oh yes it is heavy. So heavy sometimes you do not think you can take one more step. But look up, because Sunday is coming.”

I do not know who wrote this, but it is POWERFUL!

🙏❤️➕🧎🏻‍♀️🕊✨🐑🍃

[stagnantmako]

ooc.

ahhhhh also i guess for the folks who i knew me before i disappeared i should give a general sort of 'where the fuck did you go iri' update. i just glanced at my blog and i was like ahhhhh right that's right before all hell broke loose i just stopped logging on.

so okay, cw abuse

broke up w my emotionally & financially abusive ex after i caught him lying to me and gaslighting me... i wish i could say it happened then but nah i fell for the trap of thinking he'd get help and sort things out. it was only once he was gone that i realized how much of a mental, physical, financial, and emotional toll he had taken on me. in that vein, i'm gonna warn folks now, i can't really deal with any drama or high stress situations. ic it's fine bring it all on i love to put characters thrugh hell, but ooc i like. can't. after spending nearly two years in a anxious separation limbo, i just don't have the capacity to deal. i've always been a 'keep to myself' kind of person but that went into overdrive. i had to completely rebuild my life and kkkkkind of had my trust in people completely broken. i won't get into all the things that he lied about to me, but i will say his parents didn't know his name was on the mortgage or the deed & he told them he was just renting from me. that i told him that he had to move out the next day just so he could show up unannounced to get his shit after i tried to call him to set up and sort out things with a lawyer bc we were common-law and had to file for separation. so that sets up a baseline.

thankfully, it was built back up in all the best ways! i got a better job. got a second dog. started focusing a lot more on my art. i did a bunch of conventions this year and have a bunch locked and loaded for next year. i'm gonna be working on some ffvii charms soon (TSVIET CHARMS TSVIET CHARMS TSVIET CHARMS) and i'm excited to see how far i've come.

in that vein bc my schedule is insane i might continue to just disappear for chunks of time bc there's one month where its back to back to back conventions in different places.

[endorstoiii]

My wright #3 - I'm back

I know I've been very far from tumblr for a long time, but I had no idea my last appearance here was on Feb 20th. Long four months that, honestly, felt like just a few weeks.

I don't remember the exact reason why I got offline, but I suppose it was a huge amount of tasks (home + course), and add it tons and tons of exhaustion (mental, emotional and physical).

It's no surprise that my life only gets worse, and I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic or playing the victim. I really mean it. Also, I'm not being negative and pessimist. Nothing works for me. I am unemployed and I'm looking for a job for three years. Ok, we had a fucking pandemic in the middle of the process, but things are back to normal already and everyone I know had success after all of that. Except for me. Do you know how fucked up is it to be unemployed? It more than sucks. I only get older (and more tired) and it hinders to find a job. Not only "I am too old" to get a beginners job, but also I feel so uncapable, psicologically I am destroyed because no matter how hard I try to get my shit together, nothing works. I even get some job interviews, but I never step forward. I can't get a job as a designer. I can't get a job as anything else — I tried to get a job on many different areas, except for seller cause the pressure is way too much for me to handle (I am way too bad already, I can't get any worse or God knows what may happen) — I can't get any little ray of success at anything at all. Why? Is it me?

Honestly, I don't think I am the problem. Not anymore. I used to think I was terrible as a student, as a designer and then I would be a terrible professional as well. Plus, I am too shy and dumb, I wouldn't know what to do in much pressure, and job recruiters know that and would never approve me. But no. I know I am good in what I do. Obviously I'm not the best (and I think I don't even want to be, so that's ok), but I'm good and I deserve more. I am so attentious, cautios and passionate (finally! this would be a good topic to write about: my passion for design). And being shy and dumb? Like... Everyone is hah I know people who are even shyer and dumber, and they have a job, they do a great work. So, no. I am not the problem. So, the only answer I can think of is: external influence. I am the least spiritual person I know (another good topic to write about), but oh man, it's the only thing that makes any sense to me. I believe the horrendous, deep and negative energy of the enviroment I live in, unfortunately influences my paths. And not only to get a job, but to anything to me. For example, I can't have a date. I can't. My life is too bad, my psychologic is too bad, my emotional too bad. This is all because of this fucking shitty energy of the enviroment I live in.

Well, no surprises here. But yeah my life was a mess and got even worse. It gets worse with time. And as if everything isn't all fucked up already, my grandma (who is kinda still recovering from her knee fracture) fell of the stairs and broke her two wrists. Now, again, me and my mom have to take care of her — but this time we must keep our eyes on her all. the. time. Do you know how exhausting and demanding taking care of an old person can be??? I had no clue until last year when she broke her knee, now it's her knee and two arms. My God.

Just when I thought I was getting a bit better, I got totally worse again. But now I feel like I'm a little bit less shitty than I was a couple of months ago. Seriously, about two months ago I was so bad as I've never been my whole life :( I tried looking for psychological help but, uh oh, how will I afford it if I'm unemployed? I can't get better psychologically, I can't get better emotionally, I can't get better financially, I can't get better in any layer of life... However, these past weeks I felt a little motivation to just keep on going one day at a time, I miss tumblr and I miss my friends & mutuals, I miss doing those tagging post stuff. These are some of the things that bring me some joy :) despite feeling the worst ever, I want to be here and I want to keep on doing, cause if I don't, I will probbaly disassociate for real and I don't even know what's next.

This is probably the longest text post I've written here, but well deserved cause four months away from my safe place... It's a lot. I don't know how long this motivation phase will take, I hope it's like before. But while I'm here, I want to be here.

[romanarose]

⭐ Seattle.

Hi bb!!!

Send me an ask

Ah Seattle! Def an underrated series but one I love non the less

cw miscarraige, spousal abuse, child abuse

Something that was very important to me in writing this series to make it clear how mentally strong Rivkah was. In Leather and Lace, Laci was victimized BECAUSE she was a fragile person. I dont mean that as an insult to laci bc being soft and vunerable isn't a bad thing, and now she has Santi to protect her always but throught her 20's, people abused her sexually, physically, financially, and emotionally because they knew they could. Laci was the "perfect victim", and her personality was fragility is why she was singled out to be sex trafficked.

But Rebecca was not like that at all. Rebecca was abused in her childhood, but never took that laying down, she always fought back against her dad, she always remained strong. But what Jack did to her broke her down to the point that this women, this proud, stable, finally independent woman was suddenly trapped in physical violence and was not working anymore. This was important to me because my whole life, i was a fighter, then in high school i entered a situationship where while i was beat, it got so bad that i remember a fight we were in that i was thinking he was going to and telling myself to let him. When this was happening by friends couldnt understand it because i was never "the victim type" i was smart, aggressive, self aware.

But anyone and I mean anyone can become a victim of abuse of any kind. I like to think now Im stronger, but the right person could still do it.

Im well aware I write a lot of women getting abused or who have been abused, and most of them are more passive but thats because that's how being abused made me feel. It made me feel weak and small and helpless.

Rivkah was important because she shows that even the strongest, the "victim type" people you know can still get trapped.

[apassionateman]

They Wanted Him Alive...

He received 39 stripes because 40 was known to kill a man. They wanted him alive.

They held handfuls of his beard, and hair and pulled it out by the roots. They wanted him alive. They kicked, punched, and spit on him for hours. Until there wasn't a single spot on his body not covered in blood. They wanted him alive. They shoved a crown of thorns down on his head so harshly it stuck in his skin. They wanted him alive.

After hours of being beaten, mocked, whipped, flogged, and tortured they made him walk with a cross. They made him carry it. A rough piece of wood with splinters digging into fresh wounds. They wanted him alive.

They wanted him to feel every ounce of pain they could bring. He had to feel all it in order to heal us. Crucifixion was historically one of the cruelest most torturous deaths a human could face and undertake. Hours upon hours of torture. Torture most of us can not mentally think of because the cruelty isn't normal. It isn't something our minds can comprehend. We celebrate Easter with pastel colors, happy children hunting eggs, and chocolate. Truth is there was absolutely nothing happy about the day Jesus died. It was cruel, bloody, gruesome and nasty. He could have stopped all of it. He could have called every angel in heaven to demolish every person standing and shouting "Crucify Him!" He didn't. He knew in order to have a deliverance on Sunday you have to have and face an excruciating Friday. He knew in order to have joy you have to carry your burdensome cross. He felt everything that day. He felt how your heart broke wide open when you had to watch your baby die. He felt how heavy your life was when you were staring down the barrel of a gun wondering if the man you called husband was going to shoot you. He carried the weight of the burden you have felt since your spouse died and life just doesn't seem right since. On that cross he held the rapist and murderers, the sinner and the saint. He leveled every playing field and said ALL of you are worth it. He knew he had to carry the cross. He never promised the cross you carry in this life would not be heavy. His wasn't. His promise is that Sunday is coming. No matter how heavy your Friday is. Financially, emotionally, mentally, or physically. Friday is a massively heavy burden. That cross is weighing you down and you are about to crumble under its weight.

His promise was simply this...

He won't make you carry it alone.

What kind of king would step down from his throne for this?

Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God did. For you.

He did every bit of it for you and me.

Oh yes it is heavy. So heavy sometimes you do not think you can take one more step.

Look up, child of God, because Sunday is coming.

[caityrayeraye]

He received 39 stripes because 40 was known to kill a man. They wanted him alive. They held handfuls of his beard, and hair and pulled it out by the roots. They wanted him alive. They kicked, punched, and spit on him for hours. Until there wasn't a single spot on his body not covered in blood. They wanted him alive. They shoved a crown of thorns down on his head so harshly it stuck in his skin. They wanted him alive.

After hours of being beaten, mocked, whipped, flogged, and tortured they made him walk with a cross. They made him carry it. A rough piece of wood with splinters digging into fresh wounds. They wanted him alive. They wanted him to feel every ounce of pain they could bring. He had to feel it in order to heal us.

Crucifixion was historically one of the cruelest most tortured deaths a human could face. Hours upon hours of torture. Torture most of us can not mentally think of because the cruelty isn't normal. It isn't something our minds can comprehend.

We celebrate Easter with pastel colors, happy children hunting eggs, and chocolate. Truth is there was absolutely nothing happy about the day Jesus died. It was cruel, bloody, and nasty.

He could have stopped all of it. He could have called every angel in heaven to demolish every person standing and shouting "Crucify Him!" He didn't. He knew in order to have a Sunday you have to have a Friday. He knew in order to have joy you have to carry your cross.

He felt everything that day. He felt how your heart broke wide open when you had to watch your baby die. He felt how heavy your life was when you were staring down the barrel of a gun wondering if the man you called husband was going to shoot you. He carried the weight of the burden you have felt since your spouse died and life just doesn't seem right since.

On that cross he held the rapist and murderers, the sinner and the saint. He leveled every playing field and said ALL of you are worth it. He knew he had to carry the cross. He never promised the cross you carry in this life would not be heavy. His promise is that Sunday is coming.

No matter how heavy Friday is. Financially, emotionally, mentally, or physically. Friday is heavy. That cross is weighing you down and you are about to crumble under its weight. His promise was simply this. He won't make you carry it alone.

What kind of king would step down from his throne for this? Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God did. For you. He did every bit of it for you and me. Oh yes it is heavy. So heavy sometimes you do not think you can take one more step.

But look up, because Sunday is coming. ✝️

by Alicia Kovach on Facebook

[carbonana]

Tumblr has always been a place to me where I ran when I was in discomfort. The moment when I was dealing with my PTSD at its peak and whenever I felt anxious. Wattpad has always been my first choice for fanfiction. I came to Tumblr because of @personasintro primarily and further explored this app. Perhaps love and interlude by @mangowillow was one of my first stories that I read on this app. Yes, I read smuts but that too when it's just a part of the story, not the whole story. I have always been a fluff person. I've yearned for comfort and assurance so when I used to read it in stories between characters, I felt it personally. I liked it. These stories were definitely one of them which were able to radiate their warmth to me. This app became more frequently used than Wattpad over time. A time came when I used to open Wattpad only on any update. Dealing with anxiety and not so good mental health was never a thing I got used to but I tried my best to not to feel too much of anything. I have certain other things too in life which need my equal attention and focus.

One day out of the blue I found an angel, he was beautiful inside out, purest, full of life and positive spirit. Just like everyone says, golden retriever energy. Like this was made for him. Being someone who never got so much admiration and importance, that too genuine was something different yet special and overwhelming for me. I loved him with all my heart. But my mental health issues never went away. That small voice in the back of my head and those damn negative thoughts always scared me of the future. I was happy to meet him but I was more scared to lose him. One day he openly said to me "Please don't leave me, I've always lost those people whom I loved. I don't wanna lose you". Those words were the biggest assurance for me. Finding someone who's scared to lose you as much as you are was a feeling I can never explain. My love for him was growing and blooming day by day. I wanted to have a future with him.

Some days back, I lost him. How, why, what happened..... A very long and dramatic story but I lost him. Neither he's wrong nor me, the situation, the destiny, the reactions are wrong. I Don't know if anything is going to be right any day or not but let's live in this hope. What's wrong with it anyways?

Right now, I am dealing with issues. Mentally drained, physically tired and emotionally broken. And let's not talk about it financially. I was like born broke. Hehe. Having an entrance exam after one month for which I've prepared for one year is not one of the best things that could happen to me in this scenario. But I am trying to deal with it. He's sitting on the complete opposite side of Earth and I know he's not okay either. I hope he'll find a solution to it too. And don't even ask me how strong he is. He is sunshine. I wish I could say my sunshine.

In all this chaos, I found another pure soul @parkdatjimin . I talked to her about everything despite not knowing anything about her and not telling her anything about me. Such a great friend she is. A calm listener, a sensible advisor and what not. Thanks to her for guiding me when I was lost.

I am waiting for the better days. When I will not only laugh but smile from my soul. I hope I'll meet him again one day. Anyway, anywhere but someday. I pray for him to be happier than yesterday and healthier like never before. He deserves everything. I wish I could be a part of his life but ig God has some other plans.

Thanks to him for giving me those days where I waited for his messages like a kid the whole day. I will never stop loving him. I can never stop loving him. May you get everything you want Mr. Caterpillar.