#mhwnbcb

[mean-hare]

august and september parts of my eddiary, as shitty as always but I need to put these notes somewhere so let it be here

part 4

august, 1 i had a lot of energy and almost no appetite. i cleaned my room, rearranged toys, watched movies, and even talked with danny. unusually good day

august, 2 i cant find my fav cheap and tasty 0kcal cola-like soda. now i should spend my money on more expensive cola to drown my inner self in it

august, 3 actually i spend money my mom give me. i have no job and maybe never will have. i am too nervous, too mad, too inacurate and too depressed for it. all days long i only draw shit, watch movies and go to market to spend money on junk foodd to harm my body or to throw up and on drinks to replace food with them. sometimes i buy toys or stickers but most of time theyre way too expencive

august, 4 i watched stupid comedy film with lot of stereotypic cliches and draw danny in various clothes and poses. i dont think ill show him, it looks like he dont want to talk with me again. our friendship may lookunhealthy but the only guy who blame and harm me there is me myself

august, 5 i woke up after 1hour long sleep, i used to sleep in late morning hours but today i couldnt. me and my mom arrived by the bus to the beregszasz town. its pretty close to the hungarian border and many people there talk in hungarian. i love it i dont really remember what i ate but not too much i think. i was feeden by emotions of homelike language. and also i wanted an energy drink all the time and finally got it

august, 6 days in town were and will be full of eating like a human being i think. i try to feel myself alright and try tasty meals in cafe. i love cafes. palacsintas, waffles, icecream, milkshakes, pizza. i walk with fluffy doggy bagpack, i have notebook and water in it. this child just need to have fun

august, 7 my mom realised how much energy drinx i drink per day and she doesnt like it

august, 8 i walked alone aimlessly down the hot towns streets with a can in my hand. streets was empty most of time. just one grumpy man called me an animal while walked in opposite direction. i donk know what he meant by that. and some granny said to me "its so hot, eh". i draw ppls attention to myself involuntary, as always

august, 9 wow much zero coke i drank here! there was a market with the cheapest cola cans i ever saw in past 3 years

august, 10 i just hope that many hours of intense sweating and headbanging to breakcore in headphones while sitting in hurrying bus back to a city burns a lot of calories but i cant stop it anyways

august, 11 still not enough sleep, overwhelmed by all the information i wanted to consume (pointless but interesting) few minutes ago, gnawed by a loneliness online and offline, all this shit led me to (obviously!) very stupid binge

august, 12 lived this day not better nor worse, just average boring

august, 13 hey you. they created a big pack of chips for a big merry company, not for lonely asshole with eating problems like you

august, 14 corpsey greenish moon gazing thru the night haze, pale as pus, menacing like in dying

august, 15 i walked down to the market to buy cheap icecream and cheap cola. bazaar near it was closed due to evening hours and there were no people on the ways between the iron and concrete walls. somehow liminal

august, 16 things went not perfect but better that could be. i decided to spend last money on energy drink instead of bag of cornflakes

august, 17 i started my day with nausea because of sound of fucking drills (my mysophonic panic), found and ate some pain killers, burned my mouth with spicy junk dinner and pointlessly fooled around my room till morning affected by another bunch of cola and energy drink

august, 18 i bought a pink plastic horse. brutal metalhead in toyshop looks hilarious. brutal metalhead who buys pink horsey looks very hilarious. i saw this toy almost year ago and i couldnt forget here sinse then. that mare looks special. most toys has neutral faces or slight calm smile on them. but that sassy gal had really bitchy moody face with grinned teeth. and finally i got her and feel no regrets. at least i knew what i want.

august, 19 i was at first time in little village house my dad bought for himself. it was simple boring house with almost no furniture beyond the kitchen and i think it never will be interesting because my dad loves stupid boring monochroom minimalistic design with wooden details. parents, sister and their friend went to a backyard to roast sausages. i dont eat meat so all the time i read library book or played with lil green car toy i found in this house

august, 20 you know who am i? i am a person who dont look like one who has an ed. i am a boy who look like a girl. am i? i trust the liars and suspect when people tell me the truth. im looking like cool adult with interesting life but im still that ugly child who feels itself the worst way posiible everyday.

august, 21 im into gabber music sometimes and i think it would be fun to learn hakken dance. i also want to dance tectonic, c walk, lezginka and csardas. but i dont know how to and dont think i can do in. i like dancing sometimes. but my body often feels to heavy and clumsy to move

august, 22 i failed. but at least i tried. but how i failed!

august, 23 parents leaved this city before ukrainian independence day because they thought that russia will throw much more bombs here and my mom was afraid. i stay because i dont want to go with them and better spend time here with movies and tumblr than in their boring little village with them for 2 days long. so i chilled all day along with few liters of caff drinx and little annoying kitten

august, 24 it was another chilling day alone. i bought some drinx again (but one l less than yesterday bc i a little nauseous of already consumed caffeine), i even find a little purple cheap pony toy and bought it. today was really more air alarms than other days but as i know nobody was killed (i may be wrong, i dont watch news)

august, 25 this normal late night i was ready to drowse with john frusciante songs in cold laptop light but suddenly i saw some movement on my bed. i saw one tiny TIC. i dont afraid insects but the tics. they are the main reason why i almost never walk in the forest. today i even didnt go anywhere but this little shit somehow appeared here. i took a piece of paper, kill and throw into a sink. im shocked

august, 26 i had one little job of redacting one little text. (i cant even call it freelance job, it was more like accident job) anyway i got some little money and spent it all on a toy. beautiful blue plastic toy dog. and unique rare (in this country) energy drink in beautiful 500ml can. im so glad, i smiled like an idiot all day. so cute doggyyyyy…. but now i have no money and no food

august, 27 my mom was concerned that i eat nothing but the junkfood. well i dont find other food tasty and dont want to choke on awfull tasting meal. parents went to the bazaar while i sleep (before 3 pm) and bought the boring fruits and disgusting vegs. now kitchen stinks because of beefroot

august, 28 i buyed pepsi black, cheap blue erergy drink bottle and some little wafers. when i went back some 12yo(i guess) teens laughed at me because i had an "emo" pin. i am probably the only emo in this city, its kinda sad

august, 29 my dear friend danny despise and rejects me. im going to starve myself to death

august, 30 i will never be ready for the cruel words from the last person i love. i cant stay sane after that.

august, 31 i watched the famous film "pianist". theres a melody the main character plays, chopins nocturn do diez minor or something like that. i cried because danny loves this melody. just because of that. stared with teary eyes at the screen, then tears went dry, i forgot about everything and watched that movie. and at the end he played that nocturn again. and i cried again, i couldnt stop, i cried till the end of the movie, cried after the end, cried painfully endlessly and was disgusted by my reaction. i watched a beautiful and sad film about loss and real suffering completely tearless but cried like an idiot just because of that damned melody just because my cruel friend loves it.

part 5

september, 1 sadness, yearning and envy driving me bad, my thin body will be a product of pain and limbo

september, 2 my dad is sick and stay at this house. i dont leave my room mostly. i dont want to be in same room with him. not that he is so bad, most of ppl considers him as good man. he just exhaust me without knowing it, we like a different species that cant live together without problems

september, 3 autumn is always fast in this city and september started with cold weather as always. i took a long walk. i love long walks when its cold and dusky, i just need money to buy something at the middle and end of my way. it makes me confident. i walked near the park that everybody call "a forest", i walked near abandoned shacks that once were paychecks, i swinged on wet swings and i felt better than yesterday (tbh i cant remember how i felt yesterday). i found a market near the "forest" there were many foreign items. i bought few cans of drinks and realised that only one had calories. i also boulgt a clipper. i dont smoke, i just love flame and that clipper was cool, black, with skull and "love dead" written under it. thats so relevant and relitable shit for me, even that funny mistake is symbolical

september, 4 i cant concentrate on reading, on every thing, everything is blurry, my head isnt working right, my stomach is hurting all day

september, 5 successfully restricted. i found the place where hobos live. theres some concrete blocks near the school and small church. i bought few drinx and sat on blocks to chill and drink one of them (one with watermelon taste) and then i hear harsh voise underneath these blocks: "fucking teens! get the fuck out from here!!"

september, 6 i saw so perfect boy working in the market. how thin he was and how delicate. i bought few cool zero cal drinks: barr soda with icecrem taste, cola, foreign cherry lemonade. i saw him once, he is cashier there, his name is volodimir and thats all i know about him. he reminds me lead singer of emo band marakesh, he doesnt looks alt at all but he is thin like an anorexic emoboy. i like him not judt because of it, he isnt just another thinspo stranger. i think about him constantly. i feelin like i love him and its stupid, very stupid. i dont know him and i dont think id talk with him someday, i am too bad for people, unatractive. and i dont talk. i am silent always.

september, 7 i only drank some dairy and took random quizes on idrlabs. almost all of them told me that i have mental problem

september, 8 i went to the market with my dad. it was wery strange, liminal experience. there were not many items and almost no people around. it was 9:30 pm. of course i binged (first time this week) but it was not the worst of my binges, and i throwed up some of it. perhabs it was tiring. my back hurts now.

september, 9 ate the rest of snacks and cokes and feelin really shit

september, 10 every day is so same, timewasting, tumblr and movies, day after day and times goes by so senseless, and what should i do, what else can i do? you are lucky if you have friends, if you have someone to spend some time with.

september, 11 its something like an instinct of bear. i bought sweet and greasy food but ate only bag of chips and 4 cookies. soon i felt asleep in unusual early hours, 10 pm or something like that, just lied under blanket in sweater and socks and jeans, i didnt take my clothes off. im feeling cold everyday and sleepy

september, 12 i drank low cal milk and black tea. then i ate jogurt with plums. and again milk. 900 kcals i started this dusky day with movies, not really good ones. then i just browsing aimlessly. talked with my friend danny. thought that he maybe loves me despite some of some of his earlier very mean messages, today he was kind. i send him pic of hobo who lays on concrete under the blanket and hugs his dog and wrote "we?". he answered "we". i said ":3". he also said ":3 i want to sleep more

september, 13 i wanted to eat nothing today but then i wanted to eat something and its bad. only good thing is my mom learned how to make low fat fries

september, 14 i woke up and ate homemade cookies and i even dont know their kcal values then i fall asleep. then i woke up and only drank tea and watched boring movie. im ill, i cant think

september, 15 good things: i restricted i found funny gypsy song about weed danny said something fummy to me (i forget what) i watched "the boys" bad things: i feel shit every minute my memory is getting worse and i forget everything (i forget)

september, 16 im sick. im cold. im coughing. im always irritated. every fuckin day i wake up in sweat, eat too much, feel like a shit and almost dead

september, 17 warm homemaid plain food, milk with honey, hot tea. common things. i probably loosing many calories when coughing that hard. it feels like someones heavy boots strongly kicking my ribcage

september, 18 spicy chips was the only food i didnt regret after consuming it. surprisingly it made my sore throat less sore for some time and made the pain weaker. but other food was ugly mistake, used again to fill that permanently rotting void, all in vain

september, 19 today after piglike eating i understood that every time i try to eat vegan it ends up with massive gross binge. maybe veganism is not an option for person who hate every vegan food option but few fruits that cant make body full

september, 20 mmy belly scrached by all the claws of mine, painted in shiny dark color. i will never be normal or alright, i kmiw it well.

september, 21 i am eaten by sorrow. i am gnawed by grief. why dont you understand me, dont you mind. why dont you listening to me?

september, 22 i wasnt in my room all day from 11 am til 9 pm. it started with a sound of drill and i leave the house bc i cant stand yhe sound of drill. it was there all that time so i couldnt back. i bought cheap bottle of blue energy drink in local market and went to auchan. it located at the very city edge. i walked familiar path thru the field when suddenly there appears the huge fuck. the fucking giant bog spot. it took me half of hour to find my way through. but i did it and i came to the market with boots full of mud and singing the cotton head joe i needed to waste more time so i walked many shops with toys, books, decor art supplies and other. then i spent some money for diet cheap cream soda, energy drinks, some little sweets, black nail polish and spicy chips. i sat at the 1 floor, ate chips and read book from library about pianist with heterohromia. then i walked down the trace down the one of the longest streets in this city. my backpack was heavy because of few litres of drinks, books and notebooks and ome other unknown items. i walked near the bus station where were many people and fat mongrels wanted to sniff me. then i walked in unknown part of the road, lost behind plattenbauen. there were bricks and trees and weird wet trees (today every plant was wet) and cat. i saw one very ugly and attractive buildind, i cant explain why it makes me like that. it looked like theres livevery marginalized and wrathful people and it looked like it slightly burned some time ago. i am obsessed with this one now. i walked those unknown beutiful decaying post soviet streets sometimes stopped to take photos and drink and the sky became darker and more gray. the sky became dark evening. and it started to rain, the downpur. i still walked that longest streets but i turned to its more popular and lighted part and waited for the bus at the buss stop. i was a little tired by the weight of my bag, i could walk some more but i didnt really liked the idea to wear wet clothes when 5 km far from my room. so i returned by the bus. when i walked last few metres to my house i quickly became wet and rain was pouring the rest of the day and all night long

september, 23 another boredom shopping and boredom eating, nothing new. my legs still hurt after yesterday i talked with one guy online about my yesterday walk and i searched that fucked building in google maps and found it. i also tried to find some information about it or at least photos but found nothing but the ad about selling room and private massage salon that may be no longer exist. i started feel paranoic feeling that theres something hiddden there. i thought that someones hides it, maybe to cover places that may be considered by strangers as repulsing, ugly, revolting, to show only fine, good or at least ok=ish places of the city. some may show some good buildungs in bad state with "the dark side of the city" and "scary and dangerous places in lviv" but it will still be something pop and plain and known. i feel that many dont know and dont find and some are hide.i feel that theres something tremedous in That building, something that should be found and shown, something that hidden by someones. i still feel that. well, i can be right or it can be just my paranoia or delusion.

september, 24 too many liquid calories.but also activities to burn it. i was in the countryside today where my grandfather live. i was climbing trees, picking fav sour apples, stinged by nettle, gathering wallnuts, shivering at cold autumn evening. some new bruises on my knees, it feels like a childhood

september, 25 i talk with danny, my last friend. i know that he is not really good friend but i have no one by my side. he is the only person who makes me feel loved even if in rare. sometimes he kind. sometimes he tries to understand what im sayin, sometimes he tries to be a good friend. i still love him. anyway i am much worse friend than him

september, 26 very gross binge on healthy food 1

september, 27 very gross binge on healthy food 2. fuck the healthy food

september, 28 i saw my almost naked body in the mirror at night when went to the bathroom. i was shocked by how ugly i am. i dont want to see it again. now i dont take my clothes, i sleep in jeans and sweater. i didnt wash myself for few weeks because seeing this body naked is really awfull and i cant stand it. i know its gross but i dont even contact with people so who cares. i hide my body from myself under clothes, i avoid looking in the mirrors and reflections. i dont want to see this body, i dont wwant myself.

september, 29 i dont remember what i ate thru tis day, but not too much i think. kitten ronald felt from the window. my mom ran down and pick he up. he is scared and meows painfully sometimes cus he broke his leg. he will be taken to the vet.

september, 30 average day. average restriction, average food intake bc theres so much normal food. average time killing. i dont feel good, nor bad. i dont feel…i dont care about anything, just nothin

[mean-hare]

i wrote diary about my stupid life. my book about may. pathetic but here you (me?) are

disclaimer: the following writing is very bad, loosy, full of mistakes and can cause headache or nausea because of how shitty text is. im sorry, i am really terrible writer. also i am not promoting any of these things i wrote there (dont do it, kids), its just my life without a word of lie and i really dont enjoy it

MEAN HARE WILL NEVER BE CUTE BUNNY

chapter 1

1.50 am and i am laying here on the floor, nott really hungry but sleepless as a fuck. my heart is crumping in harmony with the melody of darkjazz. i drank too much milk. i drank too much tea. i accidentally poured water on bedsheed so now im shivering under blanket too thin for thiscold hours of deep night

may, 1 of course i overeat. of course i blame myself. of course i hate myself for this wicked crawings maybe not for food but for something unsolved and looked like food can tame or replace it. of course it cant

may, 2 oh the gold horned field creature, that breath taking cage of ribs. vertige of warmth of the grasslands and cool air of spring night. why i can not be near you? why do i betray you?why dont you let me be good with you?

may, 3 after the day full of sweets and energy drinks and drowsing till 2pm after sleepless night i drank few cups of cold tea and was thinkin about palacsintas (flat pancakes filled with curd) my mom made them as if she can read my mind. few ones, maybe for 800 calories, thats good.

i love late night online connections with schizofrenic bois. theyre few years older than me, much smarter than me, and they smoke and use dope and everything like that. they love me and i dont know why but i adore them too (sometimes)

may,4 i need more tea. this fucking house slightly becomes tealess. how should i satisfy my cold inner void now, huh?!?!?!????!?! 04:37 am (technically its 5th of may now) i shouldnt eat and drink that much. oversaccharined, overcaffeinated sleepless night. soundtracked by slowed down danish spermetoxicosed rockers. nurtured by my usual longing for presence of my dearest boy danni, my only friend, my love. he is smarter than me so he is sleeping now

may,5 still bad, still fat, still overeaten, sugary and oiled failure, a covered a little by few hypomaniac hours, and that hours crashet down cruelly by merciless night tiredness. anyway last time my sleep was only 2 hours long

may, 6 today i am a meme kitten: full of milk,. little sleepy fat one

may, 7 i dont want to write about another failure, once again and again and again

may, 8 pretty little morning like a golden curls on a head of little child with ugly stupid loudly arguing mom, yeah, that morning i had cookies and popcorn and what else whatever, its not necessary to talk about that but i still talking and i do this, you cannot stop my mouth and my hands from what i say and what i do. im throwing up in old bag of chips that was waiting fof its time until today. no matter how quiet i would throwing up in toilet, my dad can hear the vomit sounds going throught the ventilation pipes so i knee before the god of junk and trying to spitting this vomit and sweet saliva into that black junk smelling bag but failure is here, its always was, i vomit everywhere, floor is wet all in liquid brown mass warmed by my itchy organism, how pity and how shameful could be that if it wasnt so funny? my long guitar nails on right hand are painful for my victimised throat. my not so long nails on left hand are cracked, are broken and oh how dirty they are, all the dirt on them, how many calories in dirt?/???? fuck me, fuck my vomit on the floor, vomitting was sweet so it was fun but now its time to clean it all. no vomit in the flat ov my parents (they shouldnt know, i dont need the 4th asylum story in my bio) what can stop you from overeating?i asking myself. not motivaton, not plently of tea, not fear, not greedy economy, even not love or punishment. its just the pain in bullymia-beaten stomach, the hardness and exhaustion of fine throwing up. how tiring it always was for me. and hOW gREAT that clean empty stomach becomes after that. im feelin almost saint

may, 9 failed by overeating again but i want to speak about a memory that evening i ate bread with apricot jam i guess that was winter (december 2020) where i was searching some soul that can be close to me, so lonely and crawing i was and found that girl or i should say women, she was 27 and i arrived to the centre of the city. she was drinkin hot wine while waiting me and when i stood near the opera theatre, she came to me: lilac coat (her only coat), ski glasses, long dark hair as eastern as her dark eyes, thin lips on her slightly sharp face, thin arms holding hot paper cup. the asked me am i waiting her. she said that known i am Yora at first sight. we walked a hour or more, we talked i cant remember about what we were talking clearly, i guess she told about her life, she travels a lot and she is very interesting person not only for me, she knows many people and many things, and she is so sincere unlike the most people. we entered a marked to buy some tea and i saw her bare hands there, they were abstracty tattooed, that few years old tattoos looked so good on her thin hands, on somewhere red and very dry skin we came to her flat and she made me tea and something to eat with tea bc many people love to eat something sweet with tea. she gave me black bread and cherry jam, so dark and a little reminiscented of blood. it was the only sweet food in her home. its very unlikely for me to eat a bread with jam, and i like to drink my tea without any food, but that was special day and special feeling of find a new friend. we were so close that winter and spring. her name is masha, shes living in prague right now as i know

may, 10 i woke up at 2 pm again so i awake after a good sleep. almost all day i read portugalian modernist writer, distracted for sing to urfaust songs, draw on walls of my room, make and drink tea(a lot of tea!), pissing (because there was really a lot of tea), searching for books about dogs, looking at old portraits in book about fashion story, reading about antarctic, drawing some confused young lads, thinking about danni, staring thru the window at blue may sky, as you see i was busy. at the late evening i decide to have 1 piece of bread with honey and half of banana. honey was very liquid and strange..i aint sure if its regular honey or some honey alcoholic brew, idk why the brew stored in 0,5 l jar but heck its smell and taste are so weird… but considering my state of mind and behaviour i think i just out of my mind today… fuck im so flyinnnnnnnn mmm yora is blue doged and sunstabled a lil right now, dead organed, dying outside and so uhm uhmm i cannot recall this word, its like a greemhouse one, im drinkin my mind is breathin warm greenhouse air

may, 11 i drank so much coke zero and pepsi black bc they tasty and help me with my headache. after that i cracked the walnut shells to reach walnutsfor for few hours. i like to do it but now my fingers are covered in dirt and tiny aching scars just like a battlefield. i never can do it carefully.

i ate a homemade pizza at evening and tried to count calories in it.

guy i tried to make friendship with replied me at night. he asked me if i have some dope or money for it. of course i have nothing. nincs es sincs

may, 12 64 kg or maybe more, (weight myself is scary). jusst like my height witho 1m. thats the weight my stupid body likes most of all i guess. so ok, i shouldnt listen to it. fuck this shitty ugly body and its stupid "needs", it never desserves them and never should be cared for. it serves its right!

may, 13 i can name this day (night) as a fuckin shitty one, no no i can not because it was much worse. i overeating of course but no, thats only one problem. i become restless during evening. iwalk my dog then i return haz and start to roaming thru this empty rooms. parents spendtheir weekends in the village and thats great that they cant see me in my psychic times. i started to eat. i ate bread and cheese, fruits, yoghurt, what else? i dont know why i did that, what hole i tried to fill, but something ate me so painfully at the end of the day which started so fine. roaming, chewing and finally i sat down and talking with people online, those shyzo narco cuties online, and something started punching my soul again, i felt the guilt, i ran to toilet side and throwed up, i throwed up everything i ate and it was not that disgusting i thought it would be and everything was fine again, i even consider myself cool and good looking despite all that slobs and snivels covered my whole bloated face and right hand but the weakness return and spread my mind like a cancer, so miserable i was, so disgusted by myself, and then i asked my szhizo narco pals "do you despise me? do you disregard me????" they said yes, of course they do, i knew it. i know i am miserable! i was beaten by convulsions, crucified by selfhate. lonely, i write my dear friend dani who was offline. i thought he dont like me anymore and i throwed a webtantrum. i cried "dont go dont hate me please, i will do everything, please i know you hate me i hate me too,but i adore u and dont want you to leave me" and all the same bullshit. he text me back after few hours, said that he dont disregard me. he says he love me. i dont know how somebody can love me, especially after all the mess i do. he begged me to not kms when i tried to and i dont understand him, it will be much easier for him if i die. and for me, to make this restless mind rest. poor danni, im so sorry for myself

may, 14 so strange. i become so coldfull. im feeling cold even in warm places when sit still.like all those an0 suffered stereotypical ppl. funny thing that almost all this month i didnt `lose weight (and maybe even gain some ;_;), i didnt restricted, ate like 1500-2000 kcals per day like a normie (like a loser, said ed. szervus, inner romantisation of eating disorder. its me, im just trying to survive by romanticising part of my life that tries hard to kill me)

may, 15 went to the library, took 3 books about animals. they say that future skinny beauty should be perfect and smart but i never was and never be i guess. i just love to read about animals. humans are also animals. i am animal too but i am not human. i am antropomorph, a humanoid. you may not believe me but i do not lying. i knew this almost all my life mostly instinctively. and people around me feel this somehow. they always reject me without knowing why. they feel that i am not human. i am alien. a am lonely one on this strange sour planet

may, 16 i am broken and wrathful. but i look like an angry minxy teenager and ye liekk eet(i like it). i think i can get through all this shit and im goin to do it. they will regret about everything and it all will be too late, haha. i will exhaust my body to became cool-lookin bastard. theyll be flooding by respect for me and regrets about me and i have no regrets about everythin now. im becoming divinity

may,17 the day is more than warm, the night is cold but blanket works good. pills help with a headache finally. i eat apples and white bread because its the only tasty food in house for me now. and tea. green tea that always becomes cold too fast

may, 18 it becomes harder every day to find some fine food for money i have (in ukraine). when i walked down the street eating icecream i saw little exhausted woman, she looked miserable but i paid attention on her thin thighs. of course i should be exhaused and starved out to have legs like this. thats pretty weird and very abnormal wish i guess

may, 19 sitting in bath of very hot water, it merely overflows.its so hot, air is full of evaporated hottiness like sauna and i sweat, my chest feels squeezed uncomfortably under the hot liquid, skin turns red. i almost pass out there. i dont know why. later girl online answered me that this is a form of s harm. but i dont know. after last bathtime in that hot water i heard buzz and bells sounds in my ears. this time i dont hear them. it remains me the time when i made myself vomit at the first time. i saw little bright stars before my eyes, they flying down lightly, and at the second time but the third time i saw no stars

may, 20 my blanket is cooler than your i know it its black and red in color and have images of KISS band on it

may, 21 my restrictive e.d. looks like tall boy, pale, very thin of course unhealthy thin. he has long blue hair with fringe, black eyes with yellow iris, long hands with long nails, his mouth is full sharp white teeth. how sad and tender is sight of his unnatural eyes, how meek is angle of his noded head. but its a lie. he is master of it all, he is punisher, he loves to pick my favorite poppy blossom and snash their helpless soft petals that bleeding my blood under his weirdly strong hands. he always says bad thing about everyone, sometimes even about himself but its just to blame me in diffrent tactic. but after all he wants to make me happy. he just dont know how. he loves to recite stef heerens songs to promise me tanarian hills, nebulous dreams, gentle breeze, cornflowers at the mountain tops and feathers of the wings of the angels and other things from these songs but all he giving me is flowing black on walls weltuntergangstimmung

may, 22 watched repaired old movie in almost empty cinema. after that i was eating popcorn i bought before movie just to realise i cannot eat and watch movie at the same time. and went to pizzeria with mom. feelin just like a normal person, like a humans feel i guess? at evening of same day i was very angry at my dog. he did the bad things but my anger was unproportionally big and strong and scary. exhaustingly wrathful? maybe i am grieving at something lost, grieving with anger. maybe i am just going insane. yes i am going insane

may, 23 i want to s harm but i am too lazy now for searching razor or matches in this garbage room and i need sleep now

may, 24 exams is hard not only for students but also for ones who love them. my dear friend, my szerelem danni, i miss him and his free time he spends on me, hes always quiet and dont talk. we cant spend time together in life and i am constantly touch starved. it hurts so bad. because now i am word starved for him and every even tinier word i should beg him for every sign for every word because i cant stand it. i want to talk with him all night, i want to kiss his narrow paled by sigaret smoke lips, i want to beat him till blod on both his and mine hands and bite and make him feel pain, i want to shout at him senslessly till my mouth go sore and burn everything around and then take the sharpest razor and cut my throat to mess all his clothes and body by blood, i want to lay on his lap and pet his tender hot skin, i want to give him all my love and everything i really have, i want his dear love, i want to make him suffer because me, no i just want his love, at least something from him but he dont talk to me when im going more insane every day, every second, he said he has hard times but how hard is lose every chanses to feel better. to lose the only one last dear person, the last one who loved and cared and dont push the pain down my throat but now hes threats me silently, torments me by neglect, leaves me in tears with all the reminiscence of fake words of fake love. but he just have no time and i am just mean brat. i cant tell who is right anymore

may, 25 i woke up at 15 after hard, almost sleepless night so i had not too many hours for eating. and i dont really want to. i miss my friend, i miss conversations, i miss normal me. theres nothing to do, id better sleep more

may, 26 i want chips so bad. oh my god how i want chips. its 16:39 now, i should wait at least until tomorrow, maybe tomorrow i ll forget about it, or maybe i could fit in my daily limit of calories, and could buy a bag of chips, maybe chips with crab flavor, or maybe my favorite spicy one or anything else, i really should stay inside today to not buy one, to drink so much tea to forget about it, to be full of this hot dark liquid without calories, fats and carbs, i ate bread with cheese already so i shouldnt eat more. balance!!!

id better be eaten chips honestly…

may, 27 i got chips =) [=(]

may, 28 i was busy today but everything i do is awkward and loosy. i played on untuned guitar, skated on unpleasantly warm streets, burned some paper rubbish. after that i walked to the marked and saw cool long haired guy in sunglasses there. i stared at him a little. he stared at me a little. i returned to flat under the rain while eating icecream. i tried to find a rainbow in sky but there was none and its ok i ate today not a little but neither too much because i counted. i drank an bottle of cheap blue energy drink and now its 4:23 am and 29 of may. i still can feel the smell of burning paper. i dont know why i burn it

may, 29 i bought new jeans in which i look good i screamed at my mom, shoutin at her about all the bad things she done to me few years ago, how she ruined me.i screamed and shouted by text and not by voice because i am numb i ate nutella, that jar was from poland. and drank almost a kg of hell energy drinks i gave all the love i can give to ny last 2 friends online. nobody else can love me still

may, 30 im eating cheesecake, lying under blanket and watching memes all day long and even at night instead of sleep. WTF

may, 31 i think now that my constant overeating may be a form of s harm. s.harming every day, pissed of!

[mean-hare]

diary 12-13 (april-may)

will not edit and erase mistakes bc fuck it, nobody will read dis shit anyways

april, 1 i was visiting a zoo with my parents for a few hours. i walked there by myself staring at all the creatures. this is a good zoo, animals were curious and active. some animals slept in their warm dens. this spring is pretty cold. there were many cats: caracal, black and plain leopards, white and common tigers, lynxes, servals, pumas, lions, wildcats, fishercats. there were white and red wolves. red ones stared at me as well. i gave carrots for llamas and goats. i sometimes i can gaze a lot. my parents were waiting for the end of my gazing in nearby cafe. i can guess that there was tasty food but way too much loud human children. i had an only meal at evening after wenting to a local shop for another pack of milk and stuff. things. items. sounds suspiciously. i just cant remember what i ve got and ate after all.

april, 2 i had to walk with my dog. the evening was cold, lonely. orange dots of flaming cigarets glowed into the dark in the hands of rare strangers. my clothes were too cold. i craved tea. i also craved lying on an asphalt but my mother recently washed my coat and i didnt want to waste her work. my dog didnt want to walk more than 30 munutes. he was recently trimmed and felt cold i think. or just didnt like this weather. everybody thought that spring will be warmer. i like it cold.

april, 3 ive got a new clipper, its cheap, blue and absolutely cursed. i mean. when i click it in 9 of 10 clicks it doesnt work but starts to smell like a benzene or kerosene or wtf is that. but when works it throws 10 cm high flame. sometimes not from the main hole but from some hidden crack on a side. and when it doesnt throw flame it squirts with dewdrops of a kerosene or benzene or whatever is this on my fingers with every click. fuckin hell, its weird and funny and increase risk of accidental arson. a posessed item.

april, 4 note on some piece of paper from this day:"shop: drinks, snacks" which? what? so? wery smart, the past me, i dont remember.

april, 5 18:30. family bond with my dog. really noir day with some fine noir jazz. late evening, felt cold, walked that cold concrete pathes of forlornificated city part, just me and my dog patrik. it starting to snow. tiny dots of snow melted on a concrete for now but cars were covered in that thin veil of cold white dust.

april, 6 keep going thru the snow to a far market to buy specific kinds of snacks and sodas just because i have random shitty cravings sometimes. streets were like the end of the world in north city edge (its not really norht tho). ground is flooded by snow, both solid and melted. my waterproof shoes are not waterproof anymore. people are ugly as always. i feellike i will faint and fall and they will be even uglier and more hostile. so many snow. im so dizzy, nobody can understand how…

april, 7 i think about summer with anxiety. i sleep in clothes because it helps me to feel better by not seeing my body and also jeans are my comfy texture. thats even decrease my s/h. but what will i do in summer when even being naked is too hot. i cant stand even though about my bare skin, about skin rubbing skin. i dont want it!!! i dont want it!!! when will that legendary undernourished everlasting ana cold feeling will ascent to me?? please i want to be able to wear clothes in hot weather. id rather freeze than thrive in heat.

april, 8 tomorrow my aunt will come from italy. im a little concerned. like im a dirty creature with trash covered room, stained clothes and just jenerally unclean and unsanitary guy. and she have almost a mania about clean and tidy. i even dirtier than before bc my cleaning abilities are decreased, disfunction or depression made it or whatever, anyway i cant help. and also. she saw me before when i was skinny. shit. i dont want she to see me miserable and fat like this. i will cover myself in oversized clothes as always but i dont think it helps.

april, 9 it wasnt that bad (i mean my aunt, not an intake, i ate too much chocolate but that could be worse too). she doesnt come in my room, im not leaving it often either. she gave me a few cool print clothes. tshirt with flaming guitar, another one with dragon and weird crop hoodie with girl from anime i never watched and know about only from one very dumb meme (not even related to an actual anime). i guess that in this boring-plain-minimalistic-fashion era many can say that these tees are tasteless or outdated or something but for me stuck in 2008 they are great! also she bring tea with different tastes, black and green ones. it was my order. she also got so many cheese and meat, like expensive foreign ones. i think my father is exited, he loves cheese.

april, 10 i was send to 2 markets to buy butter, two kinds of bread and lemon juice. i was in 2 of them bc they dont have that kind of bread and juice everywhere and the second market was just cheaper. i didnt buy many things for me myself, just a canned tea, some chips and little choco bar. i buy much less food than before. feels like im just bored or something.

april, 11 almost every day my mom an her sister (my aunt) are going somewhere. my mom showed me her plans, its a visits to the doctors, relatives, graves of another relatives. boring stuff for elder peeple. theres nothing in the fridge but all those fuckin cheese and meat. i dont really fan of cheese but i munched one, the kind with a special moldy core. i didnt eat that core. my mom sometimes laughing at me because of it but that is. i love that special creamy taste but i hate that tasteless moldy crust.

april, 12 i was sent again to buy a butter and latvian bread again. also the milk. i spent more than hour and went to a 4 markets to find that bread and only found the last one pack in the last market. its just the kind of a gray bread with seeds, idk why it was so popular today. i dont really eat it but my parents love it. all the extra money i spent on drinks. also spicy chips, i cant help but buy that, i fuckin missed it. also ive got very cheap and small bag of turkish mint candies. they tasted like confusion and very y2k-ish i spent the night by drinking that drinks and drawing stupid things, then i somehow somewhy watched the boondocks series for 5 hours long and then went to the kitchen, realized that all people left, munch some cold palacsintas (pancakes with curd), read few articles about ukrainian gays (one article was very homophobic) and felt asleep with the noise on the background. i slept for maybe jusy a few minutes, april, 13 then i woke up, fed my dog, ate one more palacsinta, drank the last can of energy drink, started to watch cartoon about trolls and then felt asleep again, woke up by my dog, drank an energy leftovers, was still very sleepy but had to walk with a dog. he was very good boy today so i gave him dog candies. i stoped feeling sleepy but now im feeling dizzy and a little feverish. it may be because of too much caffeine. or not. im not the doctor and dont want to go to one. we die like men lol. im trying now to count calories. it cant be too much but i cant get my head into thinking.

april, 14 some days i think that my legs are thinner and knees are sharper. i always end up denying it. theres no way to prove it anyway and its dangerous to believe that i become better if actually im degrading. illusions arent ok. i most likely didnt become thinner.

april, 15 weather became awfully warm and light. nights are still cold, i lay under a thick blanket. i can not sleep wel. wake up every day at the morning after only few hours of sleep. thats disgusting, bad, i hate it.

april, 16 my aunt made 2 lasagnas. one was cheese one, just for me bc i dont eat meat. i never ate lasagnas before. so i had this dinner right after unexpected exhausting pre dinner nap (it started happening with me sometimes and i hate it). i ate only a half, maybe a little more, it was very filling. mom put leftover in fridge. she will heat it for me when i will ask. i can forget about it and so it can gone bad. and im not saying about fake 'forget" as an excuse to skip meals, i really can forget. i just recall that theres still a piece of my lavash laing in a bread basked for few weeks now. i hope its not moldy yet. i also tend to forget about yogusts so they spoil and i should throw them away. i hate wasting food…

april, 17 im watching skins seres for a few days now. they are very stupid, its fascinating. cassie is especially stupid and annoying (i dont hate her, she is just very annoying. just like affy) . and i dont know why, but the stupidest ana inspo is the most working. maybe its just some nostalgia for oldschool proana blogs that posted that stupidest quotes with that specific pics of headless skinny bodies. yeah. nostalgia is shit…

april, 18 today was the last day of my aunt presence and mom bought cake. i allowed myself a piece. my mom had sore throat. i was sleepy too early again. went to sleep at 1 am. i dont want to sleep that early! i loved the pleasure of late sleeps and wakes. i was a little dizzy. im dizzy all the time nowadays and getting angry. i argued with my last friend (on internet) because of doctors (i hate all the psychiatrists and when i think about them i become angry. ive never met a good one in whole my life) i write to danny who used to be my friend. i said that i will be thin. thinner than him, his girlfriend and everybody he knows and respects. he wrote "bruh". i said that i still dont understand the meaning of this message. he said that he doesnt understand many of my messages. i said that i always try to explain when he asks but he never ask. he doesnt care to understand. he didnt answer. maybe he didnt even read that message, as he does often. im angry at him, at his promise to always be my friend that lasted until he found his girlfriend and forget about me,im angry that he was the first guy i tried to be good and faithful friend with, i really tried, and he just broke everything in that stupid way. im angry and im sad. i think he could like me more and spend a little more time with me if i was skinny, at least because he could feel sorry for me, feel guilt, anything. anyway all the people that say that they dont care about your appearance are lying. they care. maybe i could never have his respect. anyway. im determined. i will do it. i will mess up sometimes but i will do it. "you will lose your friends because of your ed" perfect. i already have none.

april, 19 today my aunt moved away at morning. i slept at that time. i had a dream as if my neighbor burned something - there was a big burned out black pitch on the lawn and the air smelled like burning. also me and my mom searched someone in a hospital. at the end of a dream i kissed a pretty suicidal boy. it was cool. i bought many drinks and overcaf myself as always. bought a cool clipper with eagle. actually i consume more than planned but i also walked more so i hope it burned the excess. walked with my dog in evening. he is happy i guess.

april, 20 i was so active. changed many things in my room. full of work. too much green tea on my table. i can not drink all of it. so many things changed their location. room looks bigger now. my mom still ill so she asked me to buy some oranges (fuckin vitamin c) so i went to the mall. i never ever buy fruits before. i always know how to do it and always could do it, no issues with it. i just dont like to do it, like put them in a bag, weight and so on. im too lazy for it lol. i met a cassier boy i have a crush on. well i dont like the crush term. maybe beloved will sounds better? one i love? emotional evoking boy. everything sounds stupid in this stupid language. i met him at the fruit aisle. i bought some stuff and headed away with an eskimo icecream. boy ended his work at the same time. it happens that our roads crossed for a few minutes. it was uh.. i love to have a time with him in it. well we just walked the same street and there were at least 5 meters between us and all the interaction were just my stare and a few awkward smiles. he went home. i guess i know where he lives now. anyway it doesnt change anything. im capable for nothing more than gaze and smile. hes lucky. im so miserable.

april, 21 morning is for sweet cheese candies. noon is for coffee. evening is for cheese lasagna leftovers. i used so many napkins and spent a lot of time to whip off all that fat and oil out of this meal. night im watching crime series while trying not to fall asleep too soon. feeling kinda stomachachy. fvck this day.

april, 22 i recalled my memories about the times of school and psych waed. it made me sick aand destroyed my future. i wish i could just forget it all. i have another awful memory. its about when i threw away my toys when considered myself too grown up for them (13-15 y.o. i think). i never ever trully regret about anything i ever did to humans and i did many things that considered bad and mean. but i always regret painfully about that toys i betrayed. it eats me out every day. i wis i could just delete all my memories.

april, 23 i dont talk with anyone. dont chat. i can not talk with people without being irritated. i feel myself dismissed. i have too many things and thoughts that people dont like to hear and i bring these up. i cant help but being like this. my already weak contact with humans is getting weaker and i dont even care really anymore. heaven know i tried but im too different. i feel myself superior but i may be not, the only i know for sure is that im different and im irritated. fuck them all, fuck them, fuck them. i can lay in my den on clutter, pensils, clothes, towels and toys again. i can sleep like this. i can hide under that thick blanket with gay disney kittens and drift away while imagining hands and hair of guys i saw in sleep, they showed me love. one of them has long black hairand maybe asian skin. second has long brown dreadlocks and burntcaramelcoloured skin. i feel it like in somewhat disordered times of 2016. sick and dreamlike. i felt like i can start levitating soon. im away, im different, im holy and lonely and full of bright worlds. i used to play the guitar with too many flanger effect then, i guess its time to start playing again, even if i cant play and guitar is out of tune, anyway i cant do anything good anymore.

april, 24 everything is in bloom but the veather is very cold now. its like a snowless winter. plants are loosers.

april, 25 zero cola, energy can, some lowcal munch. tea with grape flavor in 8 dirty mugs. walked my dog, saw many others dogs. evening streets are good looking because of lights of modern lanterns and white neon shops lights. pets are smart asses. doggy learned how to open the doors to my rooms and often do it without my consent when i go to the market or literall at any time he wants to come and lay on my matress and cover my jeans with drools. and cat runs to my room and a)just walks b)doing some annoying shit. i have to admit: he is very annoying for me. i dont hate or hurt him but i dont really like him in my room. he is tiring like an active child. i know it well, im my own child.

april, 26 refilled myself with spice and drinks. walked my dog. walk was ok i guess.

april, 27 i started to drink because i woke up, my sleep was rudely interrupted, and didnt want to feel dizzy (spoiler: it didnt help). i made a cup of cofe and few of tea. then i started to feel symptoms of the overcaff dizziness. i went to a market to buy something tasty and waking bc i became suddenly sleepy. i got it and walked away with coffee cola in my hand. also i decided that i shouldnt tke energy drinks on an empty stomach so i ate some chips. then i finished cola, drank old energy drink with new taste. i wasdrinking e drink with cannabis (not drugs) when my laptop failed with connection again. i put some music. curled under the blanket, i feel dizzy and cold.

april, 28 a mess.

april, 29 whats up? few tv series? some tea and random snacks? nothing interesting? waste of time. dry and dull anger out of desperation and sadness.

april, 30 doing boring stuff in my room

.

may, 1 i decided to spend my money on zero soda and new tastes of icecream (icecream is my safe food)

may, 2 i walked a dog. i think we have a good connection. he shows me directions he wants to go and i decide if we go, he behaves very well, he understands my gestures, it seems like he just minds his own business andi mind mine but he looks for me and knows that i will lead and hepl him if it needed

may, 3 my dad came for a few hours and leaved again (because of work, as always). i drank milk leftouts and walk a dog. i always walk him at evening when dads not home.

may, 4 i woke up at 18. i was in the market, saw a boy i have a crush on, my hed spinned and i almost blacked out. but nobody notised it (at least i think so) dad returned, walked a dog, i ate few cheap candies, drank a new monster and joined another discord server.

may, 5 i found out another my bad habit. i bite my lip piercing metal all the time. its ugly and diy and by biting i make it even uglier, i chew out its black dye. my teeth are swelling a little, and piercing places are too. idk how i still do it without any problems or infections. this habit is annoyng as hell even for myself. i cant stop.

may, 6 so, suslique, i thought looking at my cat ron ("suslique" ad i call every cat) munching a stealed dog fodder and purring out loud, i like you more than i hate you, ur teencat shitto, funny as a fuck"

may, 7 i was so ugly today when i went out for cheap milk and cheap chips and expensive clippetr again. i chilled at the rusty stairs of an abandoned building when saw the old man below who put his big bag on the grass, said "hop!" and released his pug from it. pug was very old and a little crippled. that grandpa bring him there to walk on the grass. people on crowded streets stared on me. i didnt feel goodlooking, i think i was especially unatracteive. i have bnged at night. i hate myself and i have reasons for it.

may, 8 i woke up at 18 and then went away bc of neighbors catasthrophic drills. i still overcome my intake limits somehow

may, 9 all the fuckin mornin i couldnt sleep. then i slept maybe 2 hours till 16, laid for a hour interrupted by my dog who asked to in and out of my rooom for too many times and then again the drills, im on a street and i hate it.

may, 10 i bonged on my moms failed cookies lol.actually theyre not that bad but theres too much flavour in them, it feels weird and hurts my stomach a littl but idc. i usually dont care about my stomach.

may, 11 made a blog for selfies. time to be a king of shame. actually i often take selfies but then delete. sometimes i regret. i have a few pics from 2016, its so weird to see my skin without all these marks, scars and scabs.

may, 12 its so hard to remind myself again that i dont need to buy food all the time, that my fav food will always be and i dont need to buy it all the time i go i that shop because in fact its not always there. its fuckin ukraine with fuckin problems andi will be the last asshole for everyone bc " theres people suffering and dying in other regions and here you are in a safe warm house whinning about lack of marsmallows or anything" but this is my diary that nobody reads anyway so i can say what i want. i dont feel anything about people. i have nothing to say more for now.

may, 13 i was just chillin, indin my bznez and then my mom came and said "do you wanna see the australias song on a eurovision? i think you ll like it". i did. oh shit how i liked it! i loved. mom watched online translation and i saw cuts of all ev2023 songs. most of them was shit exept for maybe 5 of them. my mom sms-voted for poland but polish show and song was shit, i felt offended by it and well…it was the first time i woted in eurovision. for australia of course. those cool longhaired dudes in shiny jackets deserve everything. as a ukraine living guy i feel sad for ukrainian band, it was boring and shitty. and as a hungarian im very sad about hungarian homophobic politics because of which hungary didnt play in a contest.

may, 14 i found out results of contest and was offended by them for maybe a hour, bragged a little, liked few posts about stupid judges and then i found that it all doesnt matter, australia still ma winner, few other cool guys alo rule. i listened a voyager songs and couldnt fall asleep, i guess i was very stimulated by all of it and by too much sugar and caffeine intake, again, holy shit!

may, 15 another day of bread with cheese an teen series.

may, 16 and then another day when i must walk away because of drills. with money in my emo bagpack. endless shops saving me from awful heat and blinding sun but destroying my weight and consuming my cash.

may, 17 hungry rotting feeling. trying to kill it with tea but tea will only make it worse.cold tea of yesterday. sick feeling inside.

may, 18 i understood why i didnt harmed myself so long. i walk and sleep in jeans and take them of only in toilet or whet taking a bath. so legs covered and left untouched most of the time.i can hurt hands of course but it much more visible and suspicious. i dont need my parents to see.

may, 19 i walking my dog patrik a little earlier than always. hes 9 y old,still funny and lively but age is showing. he cant hold himself for long. i think he will need 3 walks per day instead of long 2. when he looks into my eyes with his beautiful big brown melancholick eyes i can see a gray and white hairs around his eyes. his muzzle was always gray but these hairs are definiteky signs of old. i am afraid of future, for real. im afraid about my dog. i have nobody else, i love nobody but him. he can be really selfish and annoying but i cand imagine how to be without him.

may, 20 it was awful bc i slept for only 3 or four hours and i could sleep more but fuckin neighbors with their drills didnt allowed it so i was on the street vlinded by the sun where shitheaded old fuckers chase away old homeless doggiesaway from the places near playgrounds and i cant protect dogs from them bc i am mute. i was upset and flush away feelings with a cola which made me bad. i strayed a little, didnt move too much. i sat on the weird place near the playground but protected from others by piece of wall of 70cm heigh. nobody interested in that place anymore. and it looks like asmall abandoned stage made of bricks and concrete. there was a bench by the wall but it was covered in trash so i sat directly onthe concrete stage. i drank an energy drink with juice, watched the red stray tomcat. i also founda little plush horse, took it with me and wash with a shampoo. its drying now in my room. i drank coffee all the day and at the end looked and felt like 7 weeks old zombie. when i walked with a dog some kids laughed at me, sweared. i really dont understand why. i looked at myself in the mirror and couldnt understand whats so funny, whats wrong with me, what makes me hilarious.i couldnt find. im wasnt really outstandish, nothing to stare to laught. and yet people stare and laugh, every single day. tonight i binged because of nerves

may, 21 i just sat in my room, watched american old wideos, ate few pieces of plain bread, drank teas and lemon water.

may, 22 tried less fat oven baked chips, theyre surprisingly very tasty. new low cal juice icecream named volcano was also tasty but made my hands icky. i was taking very hot bath and almost blacked out. its a bad habit. bathroom was all foggy and soggy, i listened to lifelover dramatically. just when i finished taking my clothes on all the light in house went off. mom said sometimes it will be like this in summer bc they should repair the wires and everything like that which was damaged bu russian weapons.

may, 23 thats so bad and painful when you cant wear your only good jeans and have to walk around in some beige shorts or godforbidden sport pants. i trully hate all the trousers fabrics that are not denim.

may, 24 i know that i could been writing much more interesting diary and even make a book just out of it if just i have an interesting life with people and actions in it. or if i could lie realistically. but i cant so i dont. anyway i often think that one who will read this wouldnt trust me. somehow i have some kins of fear of untrust almost all my life.

may, 25 i cant cope with my life. i never could.

may, 26 today was good honestrly. i had to roam again. but today was bday of my plush dog sasha. i took him with me in my bagpack. it starts raining, normally id didnt mind but i dint know how kong i will stray and it would be very uncomfy with wet clothes on so i stood under the arc for some time, then i came to the clothest market, got icecream and cola, sat in little playhouse on the nearest playground and read kurt vonnegut book from library. playhouse was cool, it had stars painted on its roof.im sure i looked weird in that place for people passing by but i didnt care too much. when rain ends i walked to the mall. theres many clothes shops but i came to watch the landscape only, theres 4 or 5 floors and i watched on this shitty city thru the big window on each floor. city looked not that bad. then i walked into another store and bought pepsi mango. i dont remenber what happened after that but it wasnt good probably.

may, 27 junkfood, blackcola & darkjazZ ' may, 28 me, dog and my parents was at the countryside. it was desolate because nobody lives there after grandpas death, only chikens, bees and skinny cat. im sorry for the cat. sometimes grandpas children come there. my dad did something in garage, my mom cleaned the fridge because there was rotten food. patrik walked around. everybody waited for some old man who will take beehives. what i did: found 5 meters of chain, big scissors, club of wires, scissors and bottle of carbonatedwater and decide to take it all with me walked on the pasture until it was too hot hugged with a horse. it was lightbrown or maybe red breedless mare, country working horse. she was so cuddly. petted that skinny cat until patrik chase her away drank green tea and another bottle of carbonated water read books of ukrainian folk tales with pictures of beautiful longhaired boys layed on the sofa listening to mamaleek and making stupid selfies took pictures of toys i bring with me (toy horses, toy dogs, toy cars, enchantimals girl from kinder surprise? bunny arsonist) dancing and running to techno or whatever rhytmic music in that big room with sofa. walked with mom to the nearest shop for ice cream observed mare and cute foal who wanted to play with my dog but his mom scared him away. finally the foal came to me and touched my hand by his muzzle. draw my dog with halk organized buttons from box by colour (i loved this "game"in my childhood so much) watered plants in pots nobody planted for maybe months (sadly the big palm tree was dead) tumbled/somersaulted in same big sofa room (such a big space, i thought i shoud use it)

may, 29 went onto the field behind the city with my dog. walked there fast so insects couldnt bite us. sunset, moonrise. i even felt like a horse and runned there a little. pathway in high untouched wild grass. good time.

may, 30 i hate children and teens, because they laughing at me, even those goodlooking one are laughing at me, fuck off little pieces of shit, whats so hilarious you find in me to mock?!

may, 31 the reclusive road by consciousness removal project this is the song i listen slowed and reverbed way too much in especially sad and lonely night..

[mean-hare]

my diary part 9

january, 1 no new year mood. so i decide to have at least a good day. with the money my parents gave me i went to the market, bought a big bottle of black cola, a big bucket of icecream and some other random sweets and snacks. parents went to spend their time with some relatives. i was alone with pets. i scrolled through the web and sang depressive georgian songs all loud till my throat became sore and then watched a few horror movies. all the new year items were guirlands, cola and congratulating posts of strangers. there even were no fireworks. and absolutely no snow. In the morning i went out with the dog. the light was at strange angles - i rarely come out at these early hours. the sun was rising to shine on a desolate winterless urban landscape. giant muddy puddles shined in poor grassy stadiums. we went back and fell asleep together on my parents' sofa. after that i fell in a binge mood again and went out again so i went out to another shop where i bought something i never taste before: chips with a vinegar taste and 0kcal 7up. tasty. the sun was shiny, yellowish, unwanted bitch.

january, 2 i went out again. there probably were some newyear leftovers. but what matters is that i bought my favourite purple monster energy. and something else. i dont remember anything, i just have 2 pics in my phone token in 02/01/2023, one with a purple can on a table and the second is a floor in a market where i didnt buy a drink. but something else totally wiped out of my memory.

january, 3 lack of snow makes streets look like its autumn. or fucking spring, i fucking hate spring. it seems like there are much more wires than decorations. wires look so naked. and garlands is nothing but a wires. candles and matches everywhere. i have a beautiful matchbox with a horse picture. i press the burning matches against my skin.

january, 4 i found a few markets that work when there is no light. two of them are located near the bridge, that's one of my fav places in this goddamn city parts. the bridge is just about 10-15 meters above the rails so its too low to jump and people walk there too often to be hitten by a train. i often think about it when im there but more often i just stay there and mindlessly look at the depressive and beautiful city-edge landscape with abandoned factory pipes, village leftovers, plattenbauen and neubauten and trains.

january, 5 i may despite those ugly alcoholics that drink in dirty suburb bars but they still have something i never really have, the connection with those who are like you, someone to spend another shitty day with, something to make life easier at least for a few hours.

january, 6 i forget everything. i need to write everything down but usually i forget even to write

january, 7 idk how my smart and intelligent father becomes a hog (in a bad way) when he came home. today he watched the stupidest comedy shows on loud and finally drove me insane. i dont get mad easily now bc my energy level is even lower than usual. but today i was mad so i turned harsh noise on to the max volume to not hear the show and laughing sounds from their room. i was so annoyed that i had to shout once. but the noise is making its job, i calmed down faster than it would be without it.

january, 8 ate fish sticks and mushrooms and plain yoghurt. mmm proteins

january, 9 i am glad that i have a habit to take pics almost every day. it may be the last thing that makes me remember.

january, 10 no words, just =( =( =(. everything is =(

january, 11 i saw a dream in which i was a boy living in foggy moist lands, a very, very cold place. i was in the home of a guy whose name was prince dave. im not sure if he is really a prince, maybe a decadent aristocrat. he was listening to russian rock. i lay on his lap, and he covered me with a blanket. he loves me. the next day he was hospitalized with pneumonia.. i also spent some time with gal named zulfia. we slept in my house but it was ruined, the roof was in cracks so the next day we stayed in her home. it was also in bad condition, the white columns were ready to fall, and the black and white floor was flooded. we lay in her bed, covered by a thick warm blanket. im glad that i see interesting dreams again. i realized that i saw a boy with long hair and light brown skin named prince before, in a few dreams in 2016. he looked younger before and now I saw him grown up. it is weird. he returns.

january, 12 there was a fog and it became thicker in the evening. it was so good to walk when there was no electricity and the only lights were the lights of cars passing by. today i bought yellow cheese chips, waffles in a yellow pack and food for my cat in a yellow box. and there were yellow toy donkey and dog in my pocket. i usually bring toys with me whenever i go. i know that it may be stupid but i feel uncomfy when i go without toys. i mean more unsafe and uncomfy than usual. i put them in my pocket usually so nobody sees and nobody laughs. i may look very gnc and brave but honestly im a coward.

january, 13 i was sleeping so long that theres not much time left for eating. my dad brings marmalade fruit candies. he often buys them for me. i never asked him about it but i like it. and these things are tasty and low kcals.

january, 14 everything is leaking thru my hands. i'm losin' it. i'm losin' it

january, 15 dad of my dad is sick and my dad is driving every day to a hospital. he may die, i always dont know how to react when someone dies. grandpa's house in the village is abandoned for a few weeks. my parents went there today and mom cleaned it. she said about the awful smell of food that lay there for weeks abandoned. she told also about two half-wild kitty sisters which grandpa fed sometimes, the fluffy gray and blind blackie, mom said that they still little and poor looking and it seemed like they are pregnant. i always gave names to the country cats. its weird that those girls were left unnamed. i dont know what's wrong with me.

january, 16 i woke up at 18, ate some apple pancakes, watched mad max and went to asleep again.

january, 17 sometimes i think about the skinny cashier guy i saw not so long ago. i never saw him again. will i ever? i d like to see him and to know him. i wonder who is he and how he is.im feeling lost.

january, 18 theres some little pines on the streets, decorated as christmass trees amongst grass and dirt. some doors are decorated with christmass lights. shops sell winter-themed energy drinks and probably something else winter-themed, maybe with a discount because of the holiday end. i dont know im only interested in drinks, especially the vanilla cherry flavour one.

january, 19 i really shouldnt forget to write here. but… does it matter. really. i probably just spend a few hours on tumblr, watched a few movies, slept shortly at a few random hours, fucked everything up. maybe vent out to buy something and binge on it. theres really is nothing else to spend time on. im feeling trapped.

january, 20 i often think about this city part, this suburb space. about what it was some time ago and what i see now. i can see ageing, ugliness, hopelessness, and being on edge. this description also fits me and i hate it, i want to leave this place but it looks like i never will. i feel special, totally different from them, someone like me is hated here. and i dont see no way out. i even cand end my life. i read that ed is the deadliest of all mental illnesses and i need to do it right, to make it kill me. nobody will really care about my thoughts and feelings, they will ignore and forget everything about me i will be just one of the death statistics but i dont even care.

january, 21 i went to buy another junkpile. took a few pics. feeling good. everything is moist, and dull, as i like it. it was cold so finally, i put on my fluffy monkey hat first time this winter. i went back with a backpack full of absolutely random junkfs, licked icecream, and walked down the dark streets, lighted only by neon lights of shops with generators.

january, 22 isnt it weird how they depict an ed? how its untrue both for boys and girls. overgentle girls in frilly dresses with "hands like sticks" and boys who do nothing but drink and fuck with other boys. and their skin is always pale white. my skin will never be pale and never was. my sickness doesnt make me cold. it makes me lay under blankets, curl up and im warm or im in heat, but i will never uncover, i will lie here sweating intensively like a fever.i drink water from a bottle near me or i will stand up and make some tea. often rooibos or cherry one to make my sleep time longer. all my communication is one person on the web. danny forgets about me. or just ignores. maybe he is just havin fun while fuckin with his girlfriend. im detached from reality and dont really feel something. i never fucked in my life and i dont really want to.

january, 23 i saw a dream in which i am a little boy and try to take my red dog from bandits who ruled some bazaar in the desert parts, they stole dogs. i also saved a white cat from them and was thinking about how to save other dogs. i wasnt sure that the dog who came when hear its name was mine because i lost it in its puppy years. i woke up after sleeping for 3 hours and all my body was in pain. i went tu bui zero cola but the closest market didnt work. i was too bad to go to another. it means that im in an extremely bad state bc usually i go and buy dat shit even when in bad and sleepless states. i was very angry that i leave the house. i went back and watched movies until the electricity is gone. then i lie under blankets and wet to sleep. i woke up at 22, drank a glass of milk, watched trainspotting and went to sleep again.

january, 24 i saw a dream in which i am a student girl. i was walking near the market in 15 minutes walk from the college. i watched how boys ran on the roofs and walls and tried to take a pic. i was going to leave the college before the last lessons. there was also something about the flood and about my dad and his country house. i forget. i woke up too early. im listening to e-saggila, described by someone like "claustrophobic industrial". i just realized that things near my laptop are broken, and scattered. im sure that i didnt do that.

january, 25 will it be another even-worse-than-previous year? looks like it will.

january, 26 im still losing my ability to remember, to concentrate. i should write that its really scary. but i dont really feel the fear. i dont really feel something. my feelings are frozen and dead like the broken heating pipes when its too cold to stand.

january, 27 i am a little sick for two weeks now i guess. some days its harder with all the snivels, headaches and random coldness, some days its just snot and sore throat, some days i feel totally fine. but it returns, especially at nights or fucking mornings

january, 28 bought a big pack of cheese chips. i really need to stop consuming that estrogen and fat filled overpriced shit. then i walked with my dog. he asked. he can ask very nicely and i cant stand it. he has so beautiful eyes. we walked in the fields at the edge of the city. i wasnt in fields for half of a year or maybe more and i realise that stupid humans put the fence in the most unexpected place. also its completely useless, i mean i cant understand why the fuck they feel the need to put fences in that places. theres really nothing to fence from in those dull fields, theres literally nothing but the dog owners and some boozers that will just break or bend the fence. so I and my dog walked around one o the paths, fortunately theres many pathways. this one was the closest, the straightest and the weirdest, it was the one near the small parking lot below full of random wooden trash.

january, 29 i was hungry and busy all day before the lights turned on. i found batteries so i can play my electric guitar without electricity. thats what i did perhaps i dont really know how to play so it sounds more like noisy funeral doom (but with a growl and with the harp. i bought a little harp a long time ago ad i also don't know how to play on it) then i cut my hair on the back of my head for a few hours straight, with the scissors, blindly, by touch. the result is great for unprofessional selfcutting but it was really tiring and messy. when the lights were turned on i move into a room with a computer and killed time on the web before there became too cold to stand and too uncomfortable with all that blankets, layers and furs on me. when my parents returned i took some junkfud they bought, went to my room and binged to nauseous and passed out. wow.

january, 30 my dog started liking to spend time with me, in my room, at least when my parents are gone. he likes to roll on the floor with funny noises and accidentally throw and tumble my things but i dont really angry at him. he is the only good person i know irl, very selfish but not betraying. i ate cheese and he loves cheese. i d share with him but i wouldnt, this cheese is too salty for dogs. A few hours before i ate a different kind of cheese, too sweet for dogs. cat also likes to come into my room and throw things.

january, 31 finally its snowing

[mean-hare]

ed diary, p.8

december, 1 i just saw a writing on the wall, it says "yora you are not bad. -paulo"

december, 2 i walked again. i found many unknown markets and one very weird place with houses, it looks empty and dreamlike, dejavu-ed estate. and the weather was fine, cold and dry. yellow plattenbaus and birches. many new sweets and drinks, cheap tea and two clippers with dogs (it was too hard to choose). it was mostly a good day.

december, 3 stayed at house. ate some cookies leftovers, drank lowcal monster ale. watched few films, drawed few dogboys. going to drink milktea and sleep. headache.

december, 4 we had a night conversations with paulo i mean he tried to expain me some sociology basics but he was a lil high an i was just as always. he drawed simplest schemes with funny men and we spend some time just laughing because of these men. then he tried to continue explaining but his next doodle looked like a bunny head (at least for me)and i decided that this is a bunny arsonist and i repeated the bunny arsonist phrase to paulo and something about arson…. i forgot everything he tried to explain, i remember only the bunny… morning was drilled and i splent time in malls again. i bought drinks, chips and kinder surprise with discount of course. i get the toy white bunny. it was the bunny arsonist itself.

december, 5 it was very fuck! i hate countryside even more now! it started up like simple walk through the village part of. it was even ok, i saw some good ruins and some old houses. but then i dont know how but i found myself walking in some wild fields near the highway. absolutely, completely far from my part of city or even from the city itself. i walk some time thru these dust-covered weeds in direction of kobylisy (name of my part of a city) but the highway was neverending and impossible for me to cross the road (of course, fuck, thats obvious! i even thought to cross the road in the stupid way to just run to the other side in random place ) but it was impossible to do without get injured. i found some mall and circled around to find some cross-walks or signs of where to go or idk even what i wanted to found. i didnt even enter the mall because sky becames dark and i thought that its late evening and i shouldnt lose more time (actually it was 5 pm). somebody may think "man, are you stupid? use your phone, look on map!" well, my phone is OLD, it have buttons. it DOESNT open maps in the web, it just cant! guys also temporary gave me their phone but when i tried to open a map it suddenly switch off without a reason. when i tried to turn it on it asks me a password which i didnt remember and card with password written on it was at home. also i didnt have enough money to call the guys. it was fucked up situation, yeah. i also should say that im like that NOT because i lived in ukrainee most of my life. most of ukrainian that under their 40 have modern phones and know how to deal with modern gear. i realy dont know whats wrong with me… finally i went to that unknown city part that looked almost like mine (the same plattenbau). i asked young couple passing by how to get to kobylisy and they said that i have to take the bus to (name of citypart is forgotten) on the nearest stop and then go to a subway and then took a train to kobylisy. i asked abot a way to go there on foot and they said that it will be too long. oh.. near the bus stop i asket girls passing by if buses from this stop going to kobylisy. they said yes. when the passed me i turned around andsaw that they laughted like crazy when thought that i dont look, obvious because of me. maybe im looking like fucked up ragamuffin after fucked up walk? moybe my accent sounds too freaky? maybe its because an "emo" badge attached to my coat (idk why but some people find it funny)? or maybe rhey lied to me????!!!! i asked the same question about bus stop boys passing by. they said yes. they also laughed a little. i took a bus and realized that i DONT know how to PAY. i saw a gear that people use to pay (i guess) but i didnt understand how it works, i never saw it before, i guess i need a working phone, to scan some code or something. and i didnt ask other passengers how to do it because i had enogh of people who laugh at me. so i didnt pay. subway was more easy. i asked some old man in hat if this train goes to kobylisy, he said yes (and didnt laugh after that) and i took that train. i didnt pay again. the trai was almost empty and finally i felt calm and comfort.

december, 6 walked not too far from house, only in known areas. im enough with it. i didnt tell the guys about yesterday. i dont think i need to do it.

december, 7 i walked out a little in the evening to buy sweets and to stare at moon (beautiful, colorful).paulo was sleeping almost all day. he is doing this often. id like to sleep as many time as him but i cant. maybe he thinks that im not depressed because i walk almost every day. beside most of the days i walk because of drills, not because i want to. and i cant sit on the bench all day, its too cold and sad.

december, 8 i walked in more unfamiliar direction but quickly found my way out before getting lost. took some pics of abandoned places.

december, 9 we went to some farther place at night to buy cigarettes. guys wanted to smoke and i was just as company for them. their aim shop was closed so they bought it in random chinese market. they also bought spicy chips and iced coffee. masha drank coffee, me and paulo shared chips. we walked and talked on some almost phylosofical and intelectual themes (but with shit bc paulo like to talk about shit, dirt and all like this). when we were almost home paulo/i/we made masha sad and angry on me/him/us and i didnt understand why shes sad or because of who and what. looks like because of him. he tried to cam her at home. i also tried to but i said something stupid or irrelevant and was ashame (at least i think so, they didnt response) so i better just shut up and make tea

december, 10 everything was hard. i coldnt go in web. i was tired of living with people who behave like i shouldnt be here. i hate to not understand anything and being said "you are old enough, you should do it yourself". i tired of being so lonely, pathetically lonely, very lonely… i was mad again. cryed and screamed that i hate everything and want to die. masha was angry at me because i scream, she always hates when somebody screams. but i just couldnt keep myself quiet. paulo said thad if want to die then ok but i need to move somewhere else to not make dirt in this house bc they dont want to clean it up. i screamed that i tried to kill myself before but i faied. he said that it means that i didnt try hard enought and something like this, i tried to argue with him but it was hard to crying and talk normally. masha said him that sometimes you want to die but not to kill yourself, you want to dissappear. well they also tried to calm me. masha gave me some pill they take to feel better. i stopped to cry but i was not feeling better, maybe even worse, im not sure. they also took me outside, bc paulo decided that i need to go to a forest nearby to scream there but i became unable to scream for some reason. and also i never feel comfortable to scream in the forest (and just to be in the forest). anyway i lied on dirty concrete and didnt wanted to move. when im like this my brain is splitting and go out of my body. theres me, im acting stupid, bad and loud. and theres also second me that observes it and thingking about how its stupid and miserable and ugly it looks, but unable to stop it, like its not me. at night i bought the bus ticket back to ukraine. it was a little impulsive. many of my deeds are very impulsive and rush even if i think about it a lot beforehand

december, 11 i packed my things (including that bull scull that was heavy and took up many space in my bagpack). yesterday i asked masha to lead me to that bus. i knew i cant ask paulo about it, he would say that i should do it myself and its all my problems. today he was just sleeping all day long. she helped me and i grateful her for it. my thoughts about people change often but today i think that she is very good. she said that it will be more empty without me in part of room near the battery. we apologized about things that we did or didnt to each other. i said that i really thought that moving out of ukraine will help, will change someting but i cant face all that by myself and found that i need much more help that they can required. it was the first time i went by long-distance bus all by myself, without parents, siblings or any unfamiliar people. i ate wafers, listened to my music in earphones. i didnt want to run down my phone (there was no charging) but ukrainian drivers have awful habit to put on veeeery awful low-quality ukrainian pop-folk 'music' (its probably the worst kind of ukrainian music). there was not many ppl in bus and one of them was young boy nearby, not beautiful or interensting or something, he was like something calming, i looked at him sometimes and was "he is looking thru the window, ok" or "he is sleeping" and it didnt mean nothing, it was ok. sometimes bus stopped on a gas stations and i was always the first to run to the toilet and back bc i still have some fear of missing out the bus. sometimes it was so beautiful outside, so snowy.

december, 12 i felt that im in ukraine and it was in a bad way. women in bus was arguing, thats awful. i wanted to sleep so bad. at the border i drank an energy drink and all the looong way to the snow and dirt covered station i wanted to pee. at my ukrainian flat i was still bad. arguing neighbors, annoying grandpa, blackouts, everything annoying. i cried in my dark room. the only good here is my toys and my old dog. but everything is still bad and fucked up. i hate to live here in this country. my mom made apple pancakes and i ate too many. i really wanted to eat pancakes

december, 13 i bought some junkfood but ate it not that fast and mindless as always, i think thats a good sign. i also did few posts in few tumblr blogs and watched misfits. i enjoy this show and i like rudi. he is awful guy so i dont really know why i like him i colored my drawings and listened to some music and felt kind of helplesness and something like what baby feels when its all alone in big dark house. it was only for a second. i feel this sometimes, i dont like this feeling.

december, 14 just a stupid day of binge on stupid cheese. mom is in hospital, dad came lately. actually i can purge most of the time but i dont want to, it doesnt really helps i didnt mention a problem with electricity in ukraine. theres a shedule hangs in the hallway that says in which hours of each day of week the light is present or absent. in no light hours most markets are closed. i have a candle and a lamp which charges but its not longlasting. dark hours of evening or night are the worst, very boring and dull. some of times i munch on sweets or other food "as a passtime activity", i can also ruin my eyes by drawing or reading in dim light of candle. at least i have a lot of books.

december, 15 another day in which i woke up at 16, bought and ate many sweets(at least it was less than 2000kcals) i found that my sister annoys me even more than before, just by her existing. also she looks very boring and plain now. she had bright dyed hair, pierced face and more alt clothes just a few month ago

december, 16 breakfast was at 5 pm, it was a pack of cream cookies i bought yesterday. was tasty. network was very bad but i talked with dani. he said that he got a girlfriend since this autumn. i was shocked. but it can explain his rudeness toward me in some times. i still love him. and i dont know who i envy more: him or his girlfriend. im in very bad state now, physically and mentally. i felt nauseous and still feel. and everything became much more annoying. i watched svankmayer's movie "lunacy" and all the time i wanted to hug the main character, jean. he was beautiful and his eyes was tired and scared. perhabs its not good pick for tonight, i felt like i want to vomit and almost bringed back bulimic tendencies. right after that i watched horror about werwolf to not tinking about my life. but now i dont know what to do, i dont feel like sleeping now. i thougt "why he is loving everybody but me" and "why is everybody find their love but me". and then i thought that my thoughts are stupid and my feelings are patethic. and then i thought that i should spend more time with my imaginary friends. and, if possible, watch more movies to distract myself from everything. im feelin bad. and still nauseous

december, 17 im ignoring my stomachache and nausea. and headache and unexplained yearnings make them duller. i eat and sleep and spend time in the same state in the same dirty den room day by day, indifferent and dazed by my indifference.

december, 18 theres tradition to give presents at night of 18-19 of december, especially for little children (its like santa's gifts in west countries). in my childhood i got big fancy bag with toys or something else, beautiful box of sweets, tangerines and always buncg of sticks as a traditional 'gift' for 'bad' kids (like charcoals in the sock in western countries). today my gift was just a paper bag with bag of chips, few 'healthy' bars and bag of nuts.and of course it led me to binge

december, 19 i didnt sleep at all and in my semiconscious mind came an idea to go to a supermarket. mom was glad and said to buy cat food for ronald and dishwashing liquid. i went to first market and bought a big bottl of energy. and hard candies with caffeine. and chips. and cat food but not that kind that mom asks. in second market i bought chips (again? again!) and even bigger bottle of pepsi black and something else just the same in pointless. i forgot now what i bought. i only remember that i couldnt pay with card for a minute bc i put it up to the screen with wrong side. maybe i should follow a new rule: dont go shopping when sleepless

december, 20 i decided to spend money tomorrow bc it brings me fun and i am lack of fun. i couldnt sleep almost all night long bc i drank an energy drink from a bottle i bought yesterday bc it was the nearest liquin here. i slept for maybe 4 hours. and i still find a time for overeating. my lifestyle is really overfucked chaotic.

december, 21 first of all i went to more expensive mall with many cans and bottles (mostly booze but not only). i bought 5 (or 6?) expensive (even with discount) caffeinated drinks (no booze), and also cookies and lion bar bc they were good and cheap. i wonder what the cashier boy thought about me and my purchase. second market was much cheaper and i bought some sweet shit and 2 more cans while forgot about what i really needed to buy. i was looked like a fucked up and drunk while going 'home', my fauxfurcoat was slipped off my shoulder and mind was hazy. i really need more sleep. now its evening, no electricity again, 5 unopened energy drink cans and few untouched green or black tea mugs on table, cookies and bar are also left for tomorrow. im glad i didnt eat all at once even in this semiconscious state!

december, 22 breakfast: energy drinks and cookies. lunch: lion coconut bar and another energy drink. i felt asleep early (at 1 am, thats early for me) but woke up at 5 am and couldnt fall asleep again so i consume my caffeine and hope for nothing. im feeling very bad, like im going to throw up or faint all the time. i guess its too much caffeine. so pity. i have new black teas i want to taste but i guess its not a good idea. im trying to draw ant to write and my caffeine restlessness is a little annoying but some pieces of creations are not that bad.

december, 23 i finished watching 'misfits' and started to watching 'brassic'. i found that i often have the main characters face expression, the what-a-fuck-is one. i ate just a liiiiitle too much bread with cream cheese. the fridge is full of cheese (my dad is great cheeselover) but i craved only for that one creamy kind, the cheapest (and, as i gladly realized lately, the lowest in calories)

december, 24 maybe i really have a problem with my overeating and hopoholism. i think about it often and im sure that therapy wouldnt help. i know why i do what i do. its all about loneliness. and admiration seeking. like im going out, walked the streets like a king, like the icon. people staring at me suspicious, they think im a kook and maybe they envy because theres not so many vivid genderfucking stylish guys in this ex-ussr hole. i walking to the market because i cantt stand to walk aimlessly, i should have a destination. id be rather go on bus to some friends house at the citys edge, id drink their cheap tea and listening their stories and wathing movies or walking with them but i have no friends here and nobody to go to. and im choosing what to buy. im pretending as if its an important decision, like my decision is really makes sense. and then im sitting in my room and eat all that things like a 'normal' man who loves to be big and full, like i have no ed and just enjoy my food and my life, as if its something to be enjoyed!

december, 25 they say its good to write few good things that happened today and to write that everyday. i thought that i have to try it but i failed bc there was no good things and yesterday was also free from good things

december, 26 i dont remember what was on this day but im sure i ruined it. id remember if there was something good, goodnes is rare for me

december, 27 its the end of a day, what more can i say? its a song by manes. love this song. so what to say? fuck everything.

december, 28 i was willing to whine everybody about how shitty this new year will be for me and how sad am i but nobody gives a fuck. people hate to listen to me. i get it, i hate to listen to myself even more. its time to continue my lifelong distraction.

december, 29 i found few places full of new energy drinks and spend so much of money on them. at evening one of the neighbors suddenly started to drill. i ran out and walked the streets. at first i didnt feel too bad about it. i walked the gloomy streets, swinged on swings like an iconic emokid, sang some songs with stupid voice. but then i became thirsty and annoyed by phone's low battery, and very cold. i walked in markets, spent money again on the stupid overpriced things but didnt get any warmer and nothing helped me with thirst.

december, 30 i bringed my little plastic pine tree from the balcony and putted on some plastoc balls on it. now it stands on a floor with many other random items and i dont even pretending that i have a holiday mood. but i wanted to do it.

december, 31 fuck it im leaving the 2022

[mean-hare]

my stupid ed diary (mhwnbcb) , part 7 (november)

november, 1 we met with my friend masha and the 7 cats we had to transit to prague. they are going to their new homes. train was cool. in poland they checked our cats for a very fuckin long and we missed our train. so fuckin long.staying in train station at night, with cat cages and things, there was tiles and desperation.

november, 2 we stayed in almost empty hotel (liminal vibes). kitties were out of cages, running in room. we spent free time in a hotel cafe, it was tiring and boring. i ate maybe too much. masha talked on a phone all the time. i felt uncomfy. we waited on a station for so long. we was so cold. train was late for a hour. we didnt get any compensation for tickets on train that didnt wait for us yesterday. masha hates poland and it seems reasonable (i still like poland for kurwa tram and word "popierdolone" but today and yesterday was real shit)

november, 3 we came to prague at early morning. people who met us was one girl (i thought that she doesnt like me but i really may be wrong) who take most of cats and paulo (mashs and now my roommate). i know him for two years. now he have shaggy bleached mullet haircut with few blue tips, it looks like smoke on dryed fields. they felt very close to each other and very distant to me so i was sad. paulo decide to cheer me up and asked "will you be happy if suddenly there will be unicorn fallen from the sky and crashed on earth with all the rainbows, blood, guts (and so on with his vivid gorey imagination). it made me laught. they bought me an energy drink called rockstar. also i ate spicy chips. finally theres always avalible spicy chip, unlike in ukraine.

november, 4 we live on 6th floor (it would be called 7th in ukraine). i have a place on matress near the window. theres two big chubby cats called olivka (white with brown) and jackie (full name joconda, fluffy smokey-blackish-greyish-reddish one). theres also kitty called mia (tricolor) who need new home. she is very scared of everything guys gave me cows skull(without horns for unknown reason). i like it. masha bought milk and yogurts for me. i ate one.

november, 5 i unpacked my things. i have not so many with me. paper, few clothes, toys. guys' kitties like my toy dogs

november, 6 we went to the closest market and bought some sweets. wafers. theres so many diffrent kinds. and my fav soya bars. but i didnt eat much today

november, 7 my friends gave me their old sensor phone. we walked the pragues center and i was sad bc they were so close friends and i felt like a burden, unwanted, like i shouldnt be here. but the center was beautiful as always

november, 8 i runned from this house because of neighbour drills (i cant stand it) and lost in this place of similar buildings. paulo found me and after that i spent few hours in cafe runned by deaf people. it called "quite place" but visitors were very fuckin loud. i drank tea and draw my oc (smoking bleached bolognese dogboy called kitty)

november, 9 guys made me go to a psychiatrist. i said them a thousand times that i dont want it and i hate it and i cannot trust any fuckin psychiatrist and wouldnt say anything no matter how "good" one is for them. i did exactly as i said, i didnt say her anything. and now my friends are sad and angry at me.

november, 10 703 calories for some chips. pepsi mango zero. i walked from 8 till 17 but it was not that bad. i was chill. talked with danny online with a phone. draw. watched the underground trains.

november, 11 guys bought hair dye. paulos hair is half pink half blue now. i dyed my hair too but im stoopid. so my hair is not really dyed. just few blue, pink and lilac bangs.

november, 12 me and masha walked a little. there was a thick fog, unusual here, beautiful weather. paulo slept all day. the rest of my day was stupid (bc i ate too many shitty wafers)

november, 13 my breakfast is energy drink and sigarete smoke(i do not smoke)

november, 14 i walked for so long. saw so many spaces of this part of city. theres so many empty spaces. i am not used to it.

november, 15 fog. everything in fog. so beautiful and moist. i bought cheap starch chips. ate them on street like a dinner while sitting on bench with word "kurva" written on it. and read some feminist articles on my phone. fine.

november, 16 theres one precious market in strange point near an abandoned night club. this market looks just exactly like some of markets in my dreams. dim, full of unknown packs of food and very calmly liminal. and theres a lot of energy drinks. and very pretty asian woman cashier.

november, 17 chill homeday. i wanted chocolate so bad and ate half of advent calendar my friend bought me week ago. it had small amounts of calories but it feels so fuckin wrong.

november, 18 i walk the streets again. or better to say walk thru supermarkets sometimes buying shit there. i was in 4 of them today. in first one i bought pack of the cheapest (but tasty) chips (all the day long i worried about eating too much and hoping that too many time on the cold streets burned big amounts of calories. its may be true, it was really very fuckin cold, colder than before). and i bought precious zero monster energy in purple (loooveee purpl) can. it was so tasty but i as supersmartass took it from a fridge (there was non-fridge option) and almost freeze while drinking it on streets. then some time in another mall. and some more time on the stairs near our flat. bc guys went on some volunteer job and would be back in hour. later we met in deathmetal bar with some guys. they were talking, i was quite and lonely and sad as always. while waiting the train back we hear and saw a guy who listens to a gabber music. i like it. shitty day but filled with good music. fist snow of this autumn here.

november, 19 im laying on floor, listening to fontaines ds and sneezing (im sick). masha and paulo arguing long and hysterical about cat nicknames (most tumblr users would said that its very important but i wouldnt lie, i find it stupid. and i agree with m that paulos nickname is stupid but i disagree her crying because of it) i ate few pieces of gouda cheese. i didnt eat cheese for so long

november, 20

chill.

i love oliva's habit to come and dig under the blanket and purr. shi likes to spend her time wwith me. kute chonky kity

november, 21 bag of chips, sugarless drink - my usual daily food for eating on street day. i have another fav place to eat and read while eating. its a bench under the roof near some centrum or club idk. one of places wheres dry when it rains

november, 22

today is my bday and i had to spend few hours on cold streets bc of awful drill sounds of neighbors. i bought onion chips with a haloween styled pack and cinnamon zero cola and ate and read one book. and then i felt like i will die. my vision was blurred and dark, i felt nausea and dizzines and awful pain and heat in head and limbs became numb. and ringing in ears. i tried to walk and i realized that its so hard. i walked in a market to warm up but almost fade. i walked out and then lied on a bench. i felt like it becomes easier and felt better. but then some old woman came and started to shame me for lying on a bench so i had to find another place.

now im in our flat, guys greeted me and bought some cake or something idk its laying in a fridge. i have a huge fuck-it mood so today i will eat cake or something, fuck it all, im tired and i need a birthday mood

yeah it was a cheesecake!

november, 23 my days are dull again. i need more party. but theyre dull again.

november, 24 sweet taste of milk didnt erase that gross rotten feeling in my dirty mouth.

november, 25 i ate only one pack of diet joghurt. paulos mom visit us (them). paulo said as a joke "i had said yora that this women is a social worker who came for him" (i asked him before whos that woman). it was an awful joke. he knows about my fears and bad expirienses. i cried. he apologized but it still hurts.

november, 26 i had a mental breakdown or something. i felt isvisible and was so tired. i was loud for the first time of living here. and then i became bad in the eyes of guys, and i realised that i shouldnt be here. i should come back to ukraine. i hate ukraine. i hate czech republic. i hate my life. i have nowhere to go.

november, 27 paulo was high and became willing to help with my loneliness so he made me to register on few dating apps. i was restless bc of energy drinks and sugary things so i made my profiles detailed and almost fancy and swiped away many users who looked like "normal humans" ("normal people scare me" is not a tumblr joke but a real issue for me) it was really tiring

november, 28

good ol' walking thru the malls. and some late night breakdown as i remebber but i cant remember why adn how it was.

november, 29 i bought kinder surprise with discount. i have a little plastic penguin now. i named it ping as one penguin character in german kid book about urmel the dinosaurus. i walked the lonely path between school and big road. i saw there few abandoned shopping carts. children walked in groups their way home or market. they seemed so happy under the twilight skies.

november, 30 now theres a black dog of masha's friend. temporary. noisy shaggy black (his name is black. paulo calls him blacker). he makes funny sniffing sound when i eat wafers or chips. its my most common meal now, today its the only meal for day.

[mean-hare]

my stupid ed diary , part 6

october, 1 i may be ugly but at least my toys think i am cool and stylish

october, 2 today me and my parents went to the mall. dad bought me super cool sweater (purple with black and acid green anime picture, i dont usually watch anime but these colors and their combination is fave). after that we bought food, drinks and other items. i bought a big roll of duct tape cuz i often use this thing. On the way back it started to rain heavily. we waited some time in the car after we arrived, we ate fine spicy chips i bought and waited till the downpour became weaker. we spend this sunday, you know, like a family. but i overate this day.

october, 3 i trought that i went over my calorie intkake limit because i ate some pastry. but then i recalled that i ate nothing before it and i fit. i didnt failed today!

october, 4 the hunger crumps in my stomach are somehow sweet unpleasantly like a smell of a corpse. am i rotting inside?

october, 5 i went outside to buy something. the weather was bad (sunny). i bought many zero drinks and not big pack of chips, also ive got icecream, bun and mint popsicles i use when i have a sore throat - this autumn and winter will be cold. i walked a little, then sat near the broken fountain with tiles. now its just a pool with rainwater. some little boys were throwing chestnuts at the fountain, it was funny. all evening i drank cola and watched photos and videos about david tower in caracas and kowloon walled city, it was so interesting. at night i had little workout when cracking a pile of walnuts. unfortunately i ate some of them. also i drank a can of coffee cola and it was too much i guess bc i get the wery weird state of mind. it was a bit of dissociation, numbness and soooo restless. i twitched to some funny breakcore music and it helped but the rest of the time i felt numbness in a few body parts. all the time i replaced files and cleaned space on my laptop and planned to clean my room (perhaps i dont know how to do it). i feel determined about weightloss, about tiding. i dont want to sleep but i may need to. now im switching on some eraldo bernocchi and try to at least lay calmly listening to calming noises.

october, 6 this is not my land. may land is unreal here now. my heart is unreal here

october, 7 pancakes. too many. why everything is so stupid? really, everything is so stupid, i dont know, everything is so fuckin stupid

october, 8 just spend all money on sodas and energy drinks. too many of them. my room already full of tin cans and plastic bottles. also sweets. at least i walked almost 3 hours. id better walk more. but fuck it

october, 9 zero soda is good for pooping =)

october, 10 i just woke up almost at night, ate cake, watched movies and went to sleep again. also there was russian bombings while i slept and few hours there was no light because of bomb damage but now electricity is back hooray

october, 11 i want the coldest ocean to swallow me and break my dead bodys bones

october, 12

day forgotten. my memory says fuck u

october, 13 i make so many decors from trash and it mostly looks shitty but solarpunks may be proud of me

october, 14 while felt asleep at 6am and woke up at 7:20 pm there was not very much time to eat. perhaps i dont know how i could sleep so long. but its cool

october, 15

another average day i guess, bc i forgot everything I did (AGAIN!)

october, 16 sometimes i make too much tea at night and forget about it(or just dont want it) and then fall asleep. then i woke up in a warm room with few cups of cold tea, strong, black, enjoyable, and ready to be consumed. so good

october, 17 fuck gender shit, fuck everything, im watching monster high movies and enjoying them!

october, 18 i went totally insane and bought TWO bags of chips (rip)

october, 19 weird cold sunny weather. i went out just in denim jacket and was feelin ultracold. i bring all my plants from the balcony to my room. now it looks like those abandoned rooms full of trash, graffitis and overgroved wild plants

october, 20 wow so much sugar, caffeine and gabber music, i am ovErStimUlatEd cAnT sTAnd sTILL bMbMbMbMBM jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjxxxxzz

october, 21 only pack of suspicious spicy corn snacks and little bar and a lot of tasty black tea yeeehaw success (i felt asleep after 5 cups of this tea)

october, 22 fucking anti pain pills doesnt seem to work

october, 23 this house is my fuckin prison

october, 24 daily intake: a lot of black tea and less than a pack of 1% milk. i didnt draw anything, i didnt anything besides of reading a few chapters and some useless articles and watching two and half films (besides doing nothin ive still got too tired to watch the last one till the end)

october, 25 my left hand is still aching from day before yesterday sh cuts. i covered it with napkin and duct tape which leaves lighter stripes on my dirty long time unwashed skin. honestly i dont really regret it.

october, 26 i decide that i need an escape.i want to escape this damned place. i have a friend who live in prague at the moment. she will come here at monday to transmit some cats and i will ride in a foreign country with her. the government will give me a flat somewhere and some money, friend says that this money will be enough for flat and food.i talk with her. it will be very Hard! but not impossible i am very nervous about this. i was isolated and had troubles with socializing almost all my life and i dont know how i will live. i never was in a foreign country without my parents. the only time i was without them in strange sity was at 2015 when i rode with one guy to lutsk for 1 day to celebrate new year with the company of an unknown guy. fuck it fas fun.. that guy was called taras and i knew his for a few months and mom made him promise that i will be ok. he bought 2 tickets and we took a bus. at some station, the bus stopped and i used one of the most liminal public toilet and almost missed the bus. we listened to new taake album and i was almost frozen at the final bus stop while we were waiting his long haired friend who had a nickname ртуть that means mercury or plumbum. his flat was an average dirty narc flat with dried plant Adolf (its dried branch was "zigheil" btw I don't think that he was racist) and can of mold called iсусич (it would be called jesusson in english lol). the very old broken big tv box was our christmas table, they gave me to drink beer (yucky) and salad olivie (that ex ussr shit made from cheap sausage, mayo, green pea and corn) i hate this salad but plumbum guy wanted me to not be too drunk so i ate a spunful of this s and almost threw up. beside taras and plumbum guy there was one big guy with short black and yellow hair, one boy with a mohawk called misha (the only one younger than me i was 15 or 16 and he was 14 or 15) and one very cute skinny guy named max, also with black and yellow hair but longer and misfits tshirt, he was smoking in the kitchen or sleeping almost all the time. there were also some gals and guy whose i didnt like but they leave the flat before midnight. at night max was sleeping, misha was in wc i guess and a big guy showed us nsfw girls' pics with cum mainly to shock me and then was wondering why im not shocked. then we went out to buy more beer. plumbum guy tried to make us feel high by eye meds and claimed that this new year party sucks. then we all slept on sofas, chairs and mattresses and big guy broke the sofa and claimed that it was max. it was stupid. the morning room had dirty white walls with few black tags and there was hella cold bc someone forgets to close the window, all the air was in smoke. one of the boys made the shittiest macarons ever. I and taras went back to the bus station and all these guys went with us and misha talked that he dreams about pineapple ranch (he didnt even know what a pineapple plant looks like). i have a dull life so this was maybe the best new year in it. and my ideal winter aesthetic is a morning in a strange flat with noisy punk music, cigarette smoke and a snowy landscape in the window i talked with some of them online some time. taras owe me some money. plumbum guy saw me as a stupid kid and i didnt like it. recently i discovered that he read his poems on some small fest in 2019. misha shaved out a long ago and now looks average. he said that those big guy and plumbum planned some disturbing shit about these minors (us) back then but never did it. we dont talk for many years now. i dont know anything about their current life and about the other two guys as well.

october, 27 now i have a person in my life who enjoy talking with me online. at least seems to. i hope we will be friends

october, 28 i was taking stoopid uquizes all day long. one of them was like "which lovita cookies are you?" i felt superstrong urge about lovita cookies (these are very tasty ukrainian cookies with chocolate chips, fillings or peanuts) and i couldnt help but ruin my diet plans with it. stooooooooopid i also talked with danya. he said that everything will be ok. i dont know if i will be able to stay in touch in november with him because my tech is old and bad.

october, 29 masha (my friend in prague) buying tickets for a train. she will come on monday and we will leave this country on tueday or wednesday. i dont know how i will cope. i dont know if i will be able. i know, people cope with situations like this, people succeed but the fact is i am not the people and i am not really ready to live. but i will try. its an opportunity to change my life. it may be the last chance or the last time i dare. i should try. its weird. all the people run from war and i run from my parents. they dont behave like shitty ones now. i dont know if i will be accepted if somebody discovers that i do it not because of war. but anyway… i think ill became thinner. there will be things that costs money that ill need more than food. lol. anyway i either eat less than the weeks before for example. idk really

october, 30

masha didnt ansver and was online all day. i thought that there's something bad happen with her but she was just too tired and felt asleep...

october, 31

i am almost ready. i met masha and helped her with cat. she buyed me an energy drink. my breakfast was that drink and nicotine bc she smoked near me. today is the day Im going into the world of ???????s. i don't know if it will be good. i don't know nothing. idk if i can get there internet bc of my tech problems. i thought i will write something pathos cheesy goodbyeish here but fuck it!

[mean-hare]

third fuckin chapter of my diary lifestory (mhwnbcb)

achtung: boring, whinning, bullshit, stoopidness, mistakes of non-englisher. every character is real, everything is true, wtf

july, 1 nothing to eat but plently of coffee to drink. perfect. i started to drink more coffee. i started to even like it

july, 2 i wonder how many calories extreme sweating burns. i hate to wake up in such wet clothes under that hot sun rays

july, 3 my mom gets a kitten. i suggested to name him ronald. its tiny orange and white creature with blueish eyes and too loud voice. mom is happy but i am already overwhelmed

july, 4 asked mom to buy icecream and choko bar. thats the only things i ate today. all the day i watched long unhappy movies. dont want anything

july, 5 too many caffeine and once again million thoughs rushing my head at once, winding out my already poor powers. i thought i need to eat but when i ate i realised its not a hunger pain. i made bracelet of horse hair i found at the village field few weeks ago and my fingers tired. kitten walks on dark corridor, meows awfully loudly, annoying. i killed a moth attracted by the light of my phone.

july, 6 today i liked what i saw in the mirror and i thought maybe i am not fat and my weight is just a muscle weight. but then i decide i was wrong and that "muscle weight" is just an excuse for me to eat more and gain. so i declined this thought

july, 7 absolutely messed up with pancakes

july, 8 i started to do some little workouts. idk maybe its uncouscious wish to be good for my friend who is going to gym. i dont want to have muscles, i dont want to be strong, my body goal is more like live bjd doll. but he says that i am really very strong, one of strongest guys he know already. maybe i shouldnt waste this

july, 9 i binging to celebrate birthday of my dearest friend who probably doesnt like me and doesnt want to talk with me

july, 10 i pretended and considered about random shit and ideas and one idea was clown energy drink with eyestrain design and cursed pics on can and with weird tastes (like strawberry and seaweed or milk soup or meat icecream or peach buckwheat or what) and it also should be bright colored. and of course it should be zero kcals. i think i am gone abnormal and need more fucked up stimulation for all my senses

july, 11 bags and napkins and cans and bottles all around my room for few days long and i have no will and no powers to clean it up so i sleep in trash once again

july, 12 i tried to not hold the grudge for everyone who doesnt care about me, how everyone forget about me. i ate sweet bullshit to hold myself in better mood but it makes everything worse as always. at least i have no energy for crying and psych around. i am so ugly. as always. i think about sleeping in clothes like my dear danny does. clothes can hide my bodys ugliness from my eyes

july, 13 everything so pointless and maybe i should stop and doing nothing. everything i tried fails and i cant even die no matter how i want to. now all i can is just sleep, eat and watch something just to kill time not spended in sleep.

july, 14 i crush bodies of insects with my own bare hands. im living in dirt and dont take a bath or shower so it doesnt make difference

july, 15 i felt asleep at 2 am. i woke up at 4:55 am because of fuckin air alarm sound. you better leave me under their bombs but let me sleep, заїбали

july, 16 stuck in binge and cant purge bc this can make my severe headache become more severe

july, 17 i found girl online who lives in same city and we met irl. we both have tatoos and scars. she also has blueish hair, collar with chains and glitter makeup. . we sat in park and listened free music show of not really good bands. we may be friends. or not. i think i look and behave as an idiot. if only she is so lonely that shed like to have any friend, even miserable ones like me. and also i am too shy

july, 18 i didnt realise how touch starved and deprived i am until i took ride on tram. there stood very handsome man near me. he had long hair and shirt with dragon and hieroglyphs. all the time i thought about him. why that man? i dont know. but i was desperately wanting to embrase him, to lean to his chest. pet his skin etc, i was almost shaking, i dont even know, i felt something like this only when met danny at first time but we knew each other before, i think i never felt something like this to a stranger never seen before and may be never seen after and i am not horny, i didnt wanted sex, i just wanted touch. i so desperately wanted it and never get. i had an panic attack(i think it may be it) that night. danny was online and he tried to calm me. i asked him to stay with me online and we chatted a little, i cried and whinned to him and then exhaustingly felt asleep

july, 19 my face looks unfamiliar. something wrong. my eyes, my face look different. it also looks thinner but im sure that i lose no weight

july, 20 i send mails for 3 people and appeared in a group chat. and nobody answered

july, 21 success day. i stayed on my limit. goin to slaap. wantin cookies

july, 22 i bought and ate cookies. and chips. and choc. oh shit what have i done

july, 23 i ate so much (bag of spicy chips, 7 pieces of toasts with cheese, milky way bar) drank so much caffeine drinks (can of cold coffee, 0,5 l of energy drink, 2 l of pepsi black, many cups of tea)and i didnt sleep. i actually didnt sleep yesterday, i couldnt. i am home alone today. i walked my dog in hot concrete suburbs and then it the thunderstorm came. i singed for 3 hours and send, recorded this and sent records for dani bc he loves my voice.

july, 24 i didnt sleep so it wasnt hard to walk my dog at the morning. i was already awake and we walked in fields. fields looked very weirdcorey at the morning but after 30 minutes nature started to irritate me. we went back. i bought pack of cookies. then i drank a few cups of tea and coffee and started to feel nauseous because of too much of it.i slept a little on a couch at 12. then i wake up but was still tired so i slept few more hours. and then again. woke up at 16-17 completely and go to market and bought few more energy cans, 1 pack of chips and 1 pack of milk. then i walked with dog again. i ate and drunk so much but i hope that my long walks burned all of it. i am really so fuckin tired.

july, 25 toys are so expencive. i spent money on overpriced but so cute plastic horse. maybe i looked stoopid. brutal metalhead in black clothes with spikey bracelets that buy pink girlish toy. but i glad that i did it. i also bought some snacks and zero drinks. i sat on a bench, drank an energy drink, looked at the sunset and felt myself the coolest guy at the playground

july, 26 people joking about night crawing, night overeating etc but when else i should feel this crawings if i usually go to sleep at 6 am and waking up at 17 pm? how fucked my daily shedule is. but i have no regrets about it.

july, 27 no limit overtake bc theres no eadible (for me) food in house

july, 28 classical gross feeling after food. the guy writing this is Stupid

july, 29 i almost didnt eat, i cried almost all day and all night. i cried and cried. my parents was in same room sometimes and they didnt noticed bc i cried silently, i dont want them to see it. i miss my friend dani. he doesnt talk with me and i do not understand why.i miss him and i tried to be a good friend but nobody wants me now. i cried about my loneliness stopless guy from the shyzo chat calm me down finally. he likes me, i even dont know why but it is soo good. he sees something unique in me

july, 30 i trought that i tried everything and got hella bored but then i found a market with many snax and drinx to try. i missed new experiences

july, 31 i bought and drank so much caffeinated sugarless cheap drinx that i suffered all night… it becomes my bedtime routine lmao

[mean-hare]

seecond chapter of my monthly ed diary (called mhwnbcb)

warning: sensitive topics, bad deeds, bad thoughts and very loosy writing

chapter 2

june, 1 its a first day of whole new month, day with so much potential perspectives and chances to reach my dream! thats what i thought just before i totally messed it up again

june, 2 i finished another clutchy sleeples night by drinking a cup of milk and water and my overwhelmet stomach starts to hurt me

june, 3 i smoke only when meet my friends so i almost never smoke. but i have a beautiful black clipper with pic of skull and rose on it. i like to click it and summon baby fire of it. fire so tiny and tender, so sweet. i accidentally burned my hair by this once

june, 4 today is wet. i was skating under the rain. its not really a skateboard, its a longboard, big one, full of vegan stickers, my vegan sister gave me that board when she learned to ride a bike. sometimes i concidering to become a vegan just becaue that stickers look silly on longboard of non-vegan owner. skating is not easy in region of hills and awful asphalt. and i hate to do it when lots of people look. one lil piece of shit screamed something despiteful on me. one drunkard said "give me it i wanna ride! ey!!!". one hobo mumbled "gimme money"(fuck, do i look like one who has money?!). after all its starts to rain and i quickly become wet. my clothes will run dry only tomorrow or maybe even later. i also accidentally poured water on my drawings and making them even more loosy by that. i drank a lot of tea to warm up, sometimes i drank milk tea. didnt eat bc theres no food i can eat. the only good thing for today.

june, 5 my mind is loudly burning like a bridge someone set on fire and left behind

june, 6 today i swore silently about restricting again to use it like a weapon against everything. to scare people even more than i scare them now i walked with dog and met person that said rude shit about me because i distracted and didnt hear her "take your dog away", shes not first and not last who calls me finnish and degenerate. i gave her big strong fuckyou sign and moved away. this day is shitty, i had severe headache and wanted to break everything but i couldnt. my dear friend danni said that i am not useless but i am,i suck even in destroying myself

june, 7 women asks her little daughter "maybe we should buy some cherries, would you eat cherries?" her daughter has an orange plush cat. i saw them on a marketplace my way back, i held tin can in my sweaty hot hand under the suns pressure, woman and daughter was so peacefully and maybe happy

june, 8 sometimes i really wonder about my shopping abilities. i spend so little money (less than price of 1l of milk) and buy cookies, icecream and cornflakes and all that food fits in my daily calories limit. its fine food, not that shitty sausages of noodles or other serious adult food.if i spend calories (and money) i spend them on tasty and funny meal only. at least i eat not only because of hunger, its more because of something like emotions and inner satisfaction

june, 9 i dont want these cherries. i dont like strawberries. i want no berries. i will wait for apricot, corn and apples until then i will eat something unhealthy, and dye my milk with blue pain(t)

june, 10 i know how good is empty chips bag for throwing up into. and how good is throwin up on balcony when summer evening blooms and only strangers can hear your coughing. you feelin so good and bad at the same time, greeting one e.d. girl online with her birthday and drinking milk to calm sharp pain in stomach sleepless night, shattered thoughts in confused mind, everywhere toys from your childhood, trash and art supplies on bed on floor and agressive triphop is playing on loud and makes thoughts more scattered, and songbird is shouting its early morning song

june, 11 todayish morning my eyes became pink (people call it red) and sore for no reason. i shed some toxic tears that made my eyes more sore todayish evening i didnt purge because it would be very awful to throw uo that food i binged on. if i cant stop binging i should at least find food that is good for throwing up. but theres no food like that. and no money to buy it. but all this shit sounds like totally fucked up one

june, 12 hunger is my imaginary brother and my incapacitate pain

june, 13 pain is like a rape of life. body wants it to stop but it wont stop

june, 14 i drank few energy drinx i watched long boring sad movie i cried about fact that nobody ever can fall in love with me i tried to sleep but annoying ache wont let me fall asleep

june, 15 pain is lively, warm, even thumbing cluster just like heart, it hurts, it beaths, it breathes, claims about itself, it grows and doesnt want to die, pain is just like a life itself, i know no day without it

june, 16 i realise that theres only 500kcals in huge piece of cake my mom gave to me (i said only, because i really thought it contains like 900kcals). today is my moms birthday

june, 17 cheese tastes like meat. bread tastes like a meat. i dont understand why, i want it to stop, its gross ad disturbing, i am vegeterian

june, 18 regular phrase " if you call yourself ugly fatso, what about (overweight persons name)?" well i dont give a fuck about their body, i am talking about me myself. other regular phrase " its not everything about you!" well ill make everything about me! love me if you dont want to mourn me, look at me and be afraid of what i can do for everything to be about me

june, 19 i was good. bought many cool low cal drinx and drank em all. in marked i saw boy with earring who works there, i saw him few days ago. i am shure he remembers me bc of my look (50+ bracelets, oversized tshirt, cool jeans with skeletons, some handpoke tatoos and 8 times pierced face, weird hairstyle, long nails, emo bagpack. and this is my everyday look bc i take off my bracelets only when takin a bath). i guess he sees me as weirdo who often pierced itself and only buys drinks in cans. i am going to really buy only the drinks. and icecream bc its my safe fud i wrote my dear friend danni that i love him and adore him and that he is handsome and kind and the only good human on this shitrashy planet and everything like that. he was very confused. at the morning i regret about that bpd possessed clown mode of mine

june, 20 late at night after boryng bingyng day i write this hareshit and have nothin to be proud of myself. im listening to daniel menche and his friends and suffering with nausea and hot thick air. big beautiful warmgray moth is flying around the screen, sometimes it stops as if to read this text and roll it eyes because of what dumb shit i write. sorry, pretty moth, you er writin deserve better writting. sometimes this triangle critter falls on my fingers. but most of time it histerically fluttering, beating it weightless body against cold light screen. what a beautiful insect you are

june, 21 its a shame what a lukewarm personi was today, i became. lukewaem bath water that turns cold slowly and drowsy. it cant make you clean or anything better, it only makes worse

june, 22 sometimes i want to act like rough sexist, racist or any other -ist at all, sometimes i want to write people something rude, assault, abuse, to cover people in shit, i want to cry something extremely offencive at public, to break windows, to ruin the beautiful, to make clean dirt and to make everyone hate me more. sometimes i think they expect me to do this, sometimes i think they see as miserable teen who wants to seen as edgy, sometimes i think they dont think about me at all. sometimes i want to make this world worse for everyone. i dont really know why

june, 23 milk with honey and cocoa milk with tea black and green one, desperate late night searching for some comfort, searching for god while forgetting that i am god,before that i ate bread and then asked my dear friend to purge or not to purge, he said no and then he asked why i ask him if i know what he will answer.i thought that id guess myself what to do before he answers. sometimes he cant answer quickly

june, 24 uh i thought that i am not depressed anymore

june, 25 need to sleep more

june, 26 i just tried to eat pizza once with some people just like a normal human being (i am not) but fuckin drill wont let me sit still. i cant stand it (mysophonia i guess). i ran to other places then went back when drillnoise stopped and took few more bites jusy to ran again. one time i watched fine free exhibition of pictures of carpathian shepherds. another time i saw guys who provoked each other for fight.when i ate my pizza piece, holding it in my dirty hands, i went to the most famous street (it was near) and lied on the bench. i love it that in this city they dont make benches with that anti-homeless bars. i really love to lie on benches even if i am not homeless (at least now). one man saw ma and said his daughter "lo at this boy, how fine he looks with all those bracelets… or its a girl, i dont know. i also had many bracelets when i was young and played my guitar"

june, 27 my consciousness is getting bad, i forget words, i forget where i put my things, i forget things i thought about second ago, i forget things i do second ago, something wrong with my mind i guess

june, 28 few zero cals full of caffeine drinx made me sleepless and unaware of time again, it drives my father crazy and angry and i am crazy and angry now too. he makes me hate him. i ll drink more caffeine now

june, 29 what a junk ive become…

june, 30 misery, nobody loves me and will never love me no matter what i do and who i can become