#minchan post in a few hours!!

[wolfchans]

ᴍᴇʀʀʏ ᴍɪɴʙɪɴᴄʜᴀɴᴍᴀꜱ 𝑎𝑑𝑣𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝑐𝑎𝑙𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑎𝑟 ⋆｡°✩ ⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊✩₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆ ✩°｡⋆ Day 6 of 25

[writingforstraykids]

Addicted to you Chp.20

Pairing: Minchan (mention of OT8)

Word Count: 5443

Summary: Back in public Minho tries to build up the courage to open up about what really happened without revealing too much. His friends support him every step of the way, hearing some things for the first time as well. Chan has to decide how open he really wants to be and walks the fine line of supporting his boyfriend and keeping their relationship a secret. Especially after Minho's first performance doesn't go as planned.

Warnings/Tags: angst, fluff, panic attack, mention of throwing up, dizziness, anxious!min, protective!chan

A/N: Looking back at this series, this is by far one of my most cherished chapters. Not only has the group learned to stick together when one of them isn't exactly stable, but also Chan and Minho finally pull at the same string. I love how the growth in both of them has been visible for you guys and I do hope this chapter proves it once more. We're almost at the end, which makes me a little nostaglic because chapter one was one of my first posts back in October (we haven't missed a week🤭). I hope you enjoy it, I'll see you next week for the last one (sobbing)🖤

Chp.19| Chp. 21

All I know is you saved me and you know it Saved me and you know it Always thought I was hard to love ' Til you made it seem so easy Easy ~ Camila Cabello

During dinner, Chan's hand kept slipping beneath the table, resting on Minho's thigh or grabbing his hand. Now that he knew, he wondered how he hadn't realized Felix and Changbin were acting the same way he and Minho had been. The secret glances, hands brushing against each other in passing, the soft smiles they shared when no one was watching. Jisung suddenly got everyone's attention. "As we all know, we have two couples amongst our group," he announced, quiet enough only for them to hear. "The funniest part about it is Chan and Changbin thinking they've been discreet, whilst Minho and Felix knew damn well the opposite is the case." 

Seungmin blinked at Chan. "You thought what? You've been drooling over Minho since we debuted." 

"Don't even start," their leader sighed heavily and hung his head, not noticing Minho's surprised glance. 

“As you all know, the rest of us have our own thing going on,” Jisung added.

"See? No reason to panic about telling the kids," Minho told Chan kindly and patted his back. "We're all grownups here." 

"Are we, though?" Felix giggled. 

"Now that we all know, no one has to sneak around the house anymore to be with one another," Seungmin concluded Jisung's announcement. 

"Amen," Felix agreed. 

"Fuck me. The house is gonna turn into a mess," Chan sighed and buried his face in his hands. 

"You think you're the only one allowed to have fun?" Jeongin asked sassily. He received a warning glare from his leader. “Also, what makes you think it wasn’t a mess before you knew?”

"I could use a drink," Minho announced cheerfully and waved over a waiter. "Anyone else? I'm paying." 

Chan chuckled softly and agreed. He could use one himself. Once everyone seemed to busy themselves with side conversations, Chan leaned a little closer to Minho. "You're so pretty, it's unreal," he whispered in his ear. Minho blushed softly. 

"Stop it," he chuckled. 

"I mean it. I've never seen someone as beautiful as you," he confessed and watched him bite his lower lip. Right, praises were something he had a thing for. "My beautiful kitten." 

Minho gasped softly, his pupils widening at the pet name. "Channie, stop," he whispered lovingly. "Not here." 

"Why not?" he asked, smirking softly. 

“You know damn well why not,” he rolled his eyes fondly.

-

Minho stared at his plate, pushing its contents from left to right for the thousandth time. He was feeling incredibly sick because he was so nervous about their press conference in a few hours. 

"Minho hyung? Aren't you hungry?" Jisung asked gently. Minho snapped out of his thoughts. 

He realized all of them were staring at him and smiled weakly, pushing his plate away. "I'm too anxious right now," he admitted as he reached for his water. But as he brought it closer to his lips, his grip around his glass got tighter as he noticed his hand trembling. 

"Can we do anything to help?" Felix spoke up next to him softly. 

"I don't think so," he shook his head and chewed on his lower lip. "I guess now that it's time, I'm scared there'll be consequences for you guys. It’s not exactly a great way to kick off promotions." 

"Whatever it is, we'll stand behind you, Min," Chan assured him. 

Minho met his eyes across the table and smiled weakly. "Are you saying this as my boyfriend or the leader of this group?" 

"Minho," Chan said softly.

"You should put the group first today, Chan. We both know that," he told him kindly. Chan lowered his gaze at the table for a moment. "I'm not afraid of the consequences because I know if I keep going like this, it'll end much worse for me,” he told them and rubbed his face tiredly. “I just don’t want you all to suffer from the news.” 

"They either get all eight of us or none of us," Changbin spoke up. 

"I'm sick of people trying to separate us," Hyunjin agreed. 

"We have your back, Minho hyung. There's nothing they can do about that," Seungmin agreed. 

"Fuck them all," Jeongin concluded with a grin. 

"Even if we didn’t worry about the consequences, Chan doesn't function without you..as we all saw repeatedly," Jisung commented dryly. 

“Thanks, Hannie,” Chan gently rolled his eyes.

Minho chuckled softly at all of them and rolled his eyes playfully. "When you put it that way, what's there to worry about." 

Felix smiled and looked at him. "Can we give you a hug?" 

"Fine," he sighed softly, secretly longing for nothing else than some physical comfort right now. He got up, and all of them gathered around him in a big group hug. Minho smiled softly and buried his face in Chan's chest as the warmth of his members finally gave him some comfort. "I love you guys," he told them after a moment. "I'm sorry for all that shit I'm putting you through currently." 

"Stop it, Minho hyung. We all have rough moments being in this industry," Changbin comforted him. 

"That's why there are seven others who have our back at all times," Hyunjin agreed. 

Once they reached their destination and had to enter the room where they'd be interviewed, Minho felt nauseous all over again. The staff would possibly kill him, or maybe he'd just get in serious trouble. Their names were announced, and they all left his side one by one, taking their places. Minho's stomach turned once more as he saw his place. Changbin, Hyunjin, Chan, Seungmin, and Jeongin were sitting on higher chairs in the back in that order. Felix was in the front row on the left, Jisung on the right, and the place in their midst was empty. They weren’t joking when they said they'd always be around him, protecting him. Minho's stage name was announced and he gave himself a mental push before walking out on stage, putting on a perfectly convincing, practiced smile. He sat down and nervously adjusted his suit jacket. 

They started out easy with some general questions about their next comeback, upcoming concerts, and already published songs. Minho didn't have to talk much and was able to fool around with the boys a little. He carefully adjusted his glasses as an interviewer called his name. 

"You've been on a break recently after collapsing on stage. Our readers are wondering what you think about said event and how you plan to continue?" she asked, looking at him expectantly. 

"As my team has already explained, I was injured and overworked at the event in question, which is why I collapsed and-," Minho stopped in his tracks, realizing this was the moment. He shouldn't just answer with the scripted version of what the staff had written up for him in case of such a question. He cleared his throat and straightened up. "Actually, I would like to make my own statement if you allow me to." 

"Please go on," she encouraged him. 

"About two months before this performance, my mental health was starting to get worse. I had trouble taking care of and trusting in myself. It got better whenever I was around my members. At some point, I defined myself through my performance only. When I got injured, I had to take a step back, which made this much harder for me. I got into a massive fight with one of the most important people in my life, which really took a toll on me," Minho said and saw some staff members in the back looking at each other nervously. "I had trouble eating, I didn't get enough sleep, and I practiced too much and too long. Because of that, my injury got worse, and I let it happen, thinking the pain I felt was the punishment I deserved for not being able to perform. I was awful to be around, and I didn’t treat the ones I call my family well, pushing them away when all they wanted was to help. I didn't have the resources to be there for them because I barely had any left for myself, which I'm very sorry for," he continued as pictures were taken of him, and he knew there were live recordings as well. 

No going back now. 

"I didn't collapse because I was injured or tired. My mental health and body couldn't keep up with what I was doing anymore. I've spent two days unconscious at the hospital, which is what made my members decide I needed to take a break. I don't regret collapsing because I wouldn't have stopped this harmful behavior otherwise and-," he stopped as his voice started shaking and swallowed hard, trying to collect himself. Suddenly, Felix took his hand and smiled at him encouragingly while Jisung rested his hand on his knee. Chan followed his heart and wrapped his arms around him from behind, ensuring he knew they were there. Minho inhaled softly and rested his hand on Chan's arm, steadying himself. "I know I’ll make myself vulnerable by saying this, but I think it's important we start normalizing that your beloved idols are humans, too. This is why I want to announce that after everything that happened, I’ve decided to see a therapist. I'm not ashamed of it, and if I want to keep being part of this family and doing my best for our fans, I need to take care of myself better," he concluded and exhaled softly.

"We want to announce that we stand behind Minho and fully support his decision. We ask our fans to show our Minho how much he means to us all and how much he is worth. Please be patient with us during this process," Chan spoke up behind him, noticing how much Minho was shaking, glancing at the staff. "Thank you so much for being here. This will be all for today." 

They all got up, making sure to surround Minho as they left the stage. Minho felt dizzy and flinched a little as suddenly two of their press advisors approached them, saying his name. They seemed ready to call him out for his shit. Chan wrapped his arm around him protectively and told them to back off, not caring that reporters were still taking pictures. Finally, they made it backstage. Chan stepped in front of him, removing his microphone for him. "Give me a moment," he mumbled as his stomach protested, quickly pushing through them and making his way to the bathroom. He ripped the door open to one of the stalls and crouched down, throwing up. All the anxiety and nervousness got to him, combined with the realization that, for the first time, he did the opposite of what he had been advised to do. Once his stomach had calmed down, Minho carefully pushed himself up and sniffled softly, trying to swallow a panic attack threatening to creep in. He pushed the door open and slowly stepped outside, flinching heavily as he saw his friends standing at the sink, all watching him worriedly. "I can't even throw up in peace?" he joked tiredly and made his way over to a sink, shakily turning on the water. He rinsed his mouth and washed his hands, thanking Hyunjin quietly, who gave him some paper towels. 

"Do you feel better after telling the truth?" Seungmin asked. 

"I'm glad it's not a secret anymore," he told them, leaning against the sink. "But besides that, no. I'm a minute away from a full-blown panic attack," he admitted, knowing there was no use hiding it. He leaned forward, bracing himself on his knees and inhaling shakily. "They'll kill me, won't they?" 

Jisung was the first one to react and stepped in front of him. "Deep breaths, Minho hyung. You'll be okay." He hugged him as he stood up straight again and soothingly rubbed his back. The others let them, knowing Jisung often found comfort in Minho when he was panicking, so it fit for him to try and return the favor. Jeongin grabbed a few paper towels, made them wet, and wrung them out before carefully placing them on the back of Minho's neck. Felix stepped next to them and gently ran his hand through his hair as Jisung guided Minho in his breathing. 

Once he had calmed down, Chan took over, pulling him into a tight hug and planting a soft kiss on his forehead. "I'm so proud of you. That was very brave." 

"I don't feel very brave right now," he gave back, making his friends chuckle. He barely noticed Changbin removing the paper towels from his neck and leaning his forehead against Chan's. "Let's go back to the hotel, please?" 

“We could stay in for the night and order takeout,” Jeongin proposed. “We’ll just meet up in one room and order there.” 

Minho smiled thankfully and nodded. “That would be nice.” 

-

"May we ask what sent you down the spiral of mental issues?" their interviewer spoke up, clearly talking to Minho. They were currently at a radio station, giving an interview about their upcoming album. Of course, the press conference from yesterday would be a topic; Minho had expected nothing less.

Minho shifted in his seat and thought for a moment. He was aware of the camera moving a little closer on him as they’d also film and upload the whole session. "As I've said, the hate, the injury, lack of sleep, and slowly stop eating altogether have all played their part in this process. It’s been weeks of feeling like shit, and I’m glad I got through the worst of it by now." 

“Many of our listeners thought it was very brave of you to open up like that since we usually don’t see this happening,” she told him with a kind smile. “That must’ve been scary.”

“It was. It still is,” he chuckled, and Jisung flashed him a gentle smile across the table. He knew how it was.

“Nevertheless, most people out there are very grateful you did that. How does that make you feel?” she asked curiously. 

“It’s a relief to hear that people can relate to my situation and don’t look down on me because of it. Also, if me opening up about my struggles helps someone, I don’t get why it is an issue to do so,” he said.

“I think a lot of people out there can relate to the feeling of trying to function when you actually feel like giving up,” Felix added.

“We’ve all been there before,” Seungmin agreed. “Maybe not as heavily, but we’ve all certainly had our struggles in the industry.”

“I think what made it so difficult was seeing Minho hyung go through it,” Hyunjin said gently. “Usually, we come to him with these issues, so no one really knew how to help.”

“Which didn’t stop them from trying, though,” Minho said reassuringly, smiling at him. “I just haven’t been so easy to deal with.”

“How has this situation been for you as a leader?” she asked, turning to Chan, sitting beside Minho quietly. 

“Oh, he struggled the most with it,” Changbin answered for him, and they all chuckled. “Minho’s always been his partner in leading the team with him.”

“That was certainly missed, yeah,” Chan laughed, winking at Minho. "I realized how much I rely on him in certain areas and I know I should've stepped up more." 

"What about that fight you mentioned? Was it with one of the members or someone else?" she asked Minho.

"That was me," Chan spoke up before Minho could answer. "I've been very difficult to deal with, and Minho didn't give up on me, which made things grow tense. I've accused him of complete bullshit to save myself and been very harsh towards him, which didn’t help him deal with his own issues." 

"But, we’ve all talked it out and are doing better than ever," Minho added with a nervous smile. 

"I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what do you mean you were difficult to deal with?" she asked. Everyone grew quiet for a moment, tension slowly rising at the question. She glanced at them, apologetically. “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s okay,” he assured her with a warm smile and exchanged a look with Minho, who looked back at him questioningly. “I’m just trying to figure out how to start.”

“You don’t have to go in depth,” Minho assured him gently.

Chan inhaled softly before grabbing his hand beneath the table. He knew it could be seen on camera, but he couldn’t care less now. "I've been depressed, shutting everyone out for two weeks. I let some things get to me, and Minho was the only one I let near me. I didn't explain exactly how I was feeling, but he was there to hold me when I couldn't go on anymore and broke down crying repeatedly," Chan said, and everyone grew quiet. Their friends looked at Minho and Chan worriedly, hearing for the first time how much Minho actually dealt with. Minho swallowed hard. He could tell by the sound of his voice alone that Chan was having a hard time talking about it. "I've been dragging him down with me and my issues. After our fight, we both dealt with it differently. But none of us were feeling well. I’d never say I was doing as bad as him those past few weeks. Nevertheless-," his voice broke, and the grip on his hand grew tighter. 

"Chan," Minho said gently, turning a little and seeing the tears in his boyfriend's eyes.

Chan stopped for a moment, gathering himself as he found peace in Minho's soft coffee eyes. "Nevertheless, Minho saved my life even though he couldn’t stand being in a room with me at that time. And I'll be forever grateful for that. I gave up on everyone, including myself. A few weeks before Minho’s incident, I accidentally sent my goodbye message to Minho after spontaneously deciding to leave the group. I didn’t feel like I could lead them anymore and thought they’d do better without me. I knew they had Min, who would do his best to carry them through it," he said, his voice shaking as a tear ran down his cheeks. Minho blinked softly as tears brimmed his own eyes and swallowed hard, knowing he had to be strong for them in this moment. Chan wiped away the tears and exhaled shakily. "He climbed up to my balcony, even though he’s deathly scared of heights, to stop me, thinking I was talking about something else, and I-," he trailed off before holding Minho's hand up. "So yes, for everyone asking why I called him love when he collapsed or gifted him this ring, it's because I really, really love him, and I want him to know that."

Minho smiled at him and squeezed his hand. He hadn’t expected him to be that open. 

“Gosh, it sounds like you two have been through a lot lately,” she said with a compassionate smile. “Feel free to step away for a bit if you need a moment,” she told them, seeing how hard Chan was fighting back tears.

Chan exchanged a look with Minho, debating if they should take her up on that. Minho got up, still holding his hand. “Come on, Channie hyung,” he said gently, placing his headset on the table.

Minho pulled him close as soon as they were outside, his heart breaking a little at how tightly Chan clung to him, hiding his face in his shirt. “You did great, Channie love. I’m so proud of you,” he told him quietly.

“You’re right, this is scary,” he said quietly. 

“I got you,” he promised with a gentle smile, fondling his hair. “I love you so much. Thank you for having my back in there,” he whispered.

Chan pulled back and smiled as Minho wiped his cheeks for him. “I love you too, baby,” he told him quietly. He held up his pinky finger for him. “You and me against the world?”

Minho’s face softened as he returned the gesture, linking them together. “Always…Let’s go back in?”

“May I get a kiss first?” he asked.

Minho glanced around quickly before nodding. He connected their lips to a short but loving kiss and gently patted his back. “Alright, come on.”

-

The others watched them leave before turning back to their interviewer. “That is quite some story,” she said. 

“Yeah, it’s been a lot going on the past few weeks,” Jisung agreed. 

“I suppose that hasn’t been easy for you all either?” 

“We’ve had our ups and downs,” Felix told her. “Those two have formed a very deep bond over the past few years, so we all knew they could do this once they started to get along again.” 

“A very deep bond? Do you mean like very good friends? Or are the rumors true, and there’s more?”

“You could call them our parents by now. These two are so in sync it’s annoying,” Jeongin lightened the mood as they came back inside and sat down. 

“As charming as always,” Chan commented dryly.

“We’ve been blessed with a few chaotic kids. It’s only natural that we had to step up and lead them,” Minho winked at Jeongin, who stuck out his tongue at him. “See?” he asked, making everyone laugh. 

"Your friends have been telling me about that deep bond you share. Our listeners would love to know if the rumors are true?" she asked and Minho looked at Chan. 

Chan looked almost a little anxious as he met his eyes, swallowing hard at the pure love and adoration in his boyfriend's doe eyes. Minho smiled gently, taking Chan's hand and squeezing it. "Chan means a lot to me, which is why fighting with him had taken such a toll on me. We're a team and we work best when we're together," Minho said, keeping his eyes on Chan. "I love him, that sums it up well." 

"Platonic love or-?" she asked curiously. 

Minho could tell Chan wasn't quite ready to open up that much today and simply smiled, still not looking away from him. "No comment." 

Chan chuckled, finger brushing over his ring delicately. He turned toward their interviewer, taking a deep breath. "As I said, I love him too. That's all I have for you right now."

Felix and Changbin grinned as they watched them, Jisung exchanged a fond glance with Hyunjin and Jeongin winked at Seungmin. They all knew damn well how very obvious those statements have been without saying much or admitting anything. At the end of the day, their hyungs knew how to dance along the fine line. 

"Well…I wish you the best of luck then to keep what you have right now," she said with a knowing smile. 

A few weeks later

Minho adjusted his newest stage outfit and sighed after cracking his neck. He was tired and already longed to be wrapped up in Chan's arms and back in bed. He had gotten through most of his performances for the day already and was about to perform for the last time. "Can I borrow that one for a moment?" he asked Felix, who was walking past him with a fan. 

"You can keep it," Felix told him, and Minho nodded thankfully. 

He closed his eyes as the cool air hit his face and took a few deep breaths. His head was hurting a little from all the noise, so he made his way outside their dressing room, leaning against the wall. 

Only a few seconds later, the door opened again. "Are you okay?" Chan asked caringly. 

Minho nodded and flashed him a small smile. "I'm okay. It's too loud in there," he told him. 

"Understandable," he nodded agreeingly and rolled his eyes fondly. "But seriously, are you sure you’re feeling?" 

"Yeah," he nodded. 

"Your knee's alright?" he asked. 

"It has been for a while now, yes," he told him amused. 

"You're not feeling dizzy or anything?" Chan made sure, and Minho shook his head. 

"I'm overwhelmed, that's all. Today there have been a lot of bright lights and loud noises. I'm getting a bit of a headache, but I'll get through the last performance and relax later," he assured him. 

Chan stepped in front of him and gently massaged the back of his neck before going up to his temples. Minho moaned softly at the relieving touch and closed his eyes. "I'm proud of you, baby. You've worked hard today." 

"Thank you," he smiled shyly and opened his eyes again. "I missed being on stage like this."

"I know you did," he nodded and kissed his forehead. "Have I told you how much your new hair color suits you yet?" he asked, brushing back Minho's currently dark purplish hair. 

"Only a million times," he winked at him. "I like it too, no worries," he giggled. 

"So pretty." Chan gave him a short kiss. "Can I walk you to the stage?" 

"Sure," he smiled sweetly and laughed as their friends all came outside. 

"We wouldn't want to miss your last performance," Jisung smiled. 

"You guys are so sweet," Minho told them and took Chan's hand. "Alright, let's go." 

"Good luck," Chan told him right before he left, and Minho took his place on stage. 

He was feeling alright throughout the performance, hitting his notes beautifully and dancing smoothly as always. 

"Gosh, he sounds so good," Jisung beamed excitedly as Minho hit a high note.

"Is he okay, though?" Felix frowned softly. 

"Right? It looked like he stumbled a bit," Jeongin nodded nervously. 

"He's shaking," Seungmin added. 

"Please shut up," Chan said anxiously, seeing all of it himself. His eyes haven’t left Minho the entire performance. 

Minho knew the song was coming to an end and felt relieved, knowing he'd soon be back home. He stepped forward at the end and panted heavily, finally feeling how exhausted his body actually was. He squinted his eyes as the audience began to blur in front of him, and felt dizziness taking over his body. Not again. Minho pulled his earpiece out as a high-pitched tone rang through his ear and clutched his chest, pained. Fuck. He nervously glanced to the stage exit, debating if he should risk staying where he was or getting off stage before another debacle. 

"What the fuck is he doing?" Changbin asked worriedly. 

"He doesn't look good," Hyunjin agreed. They all glanced at Chan, who was anxiously chewing on his lower lip. The moment Minho sank down to his knees, head hanging low as he tried to hide his pain, Jisung, Felix, and Changbin held Chan back. 

"Hey, let me go! He needs help!" he protested. 

"Chan hyung, you can't storm on stage now, okay?" Seungmin told him. 

"There's staff already out there to help him," Jeongin pointed out as someone brought him water. 

"I told them it would be too much for him," Chan said weakly. 

"We know, he knows as well," Felix said calmingly. 

"Fuck it, I'm getting him off stage," Chan groaned and pushed them off before making his way on stage. 

"Fucks sake, Chan," Felix groaned. 

Minho looked up at him, surprised as Chan was suddenly kneeling down next to him and cupping his face. "Relax," he whispered, noticing the anxiety in Chan's eyes. "We're on stage, angel." 

"You got dizzy?" he asked gently, and Minho nodded. 

"It was a little too much," he told him tiredly. "My body hurt and gave up on me for a minute." 

"You think you can get up?" he asked, and Minho nodded bravely, letting Chan help him up. Chan wrapped his arm around him tightly and led him off the stage. As soon as they were backstage, Chan snapped at one of their staff members. "I told you it would be too much!" 

"Chan," Minho cut him off sharply, and everyone looked at him worriedly. "I said I would be fine. I overestimated myself, and my body showed me that I was not ready for this yet. It's fine, let it be." 

"You wouldn't have done it if they hadn't suggested it. You're trying to satisfy them again," he told him. 

Minho tiredly rubbed his hurting head and looked at the staff members. "Can you get the car, please? I need a break." They nodded at him and quickly called their car. 

"Wrong place, wrong time, Chan hyung," Jisung told him gently, letting Minho brace himself on his shoulder. "Come on, let's sit down somewhere until the car's here." Seungmin came to help and wrapped his arm around his waist, steadying him. 

Felix gently rested his hand on Chan's arm. "He needs his boyfriend now, not our leader," he told him softly, and Chan glanced at him nervously. 

"I just want him to be okay again," he confessed weakly. 

"We know," Changbin told him kindly. 

"You can still talk about schedules later. Right now, he needs a hug and you telling him he did amazing today," Hyunjin told him. 

"Go on," Jeongin gave him a gentle push. 

Chan groaned softly but did as they said and walked over to them. He crouched in front of Minho, and his heart fluttered at his boyfriend's tired smile. "Sorry, I lost my temper back there."

"You were worried, it’s alright," he told him kindly, not noticing Seungmin and Jisung leaving them alone. Minho gently reached out for him and fondled his hair. "I promise you, I'm okay. Just very tired." 

"I'm sorry I got scared for a second," he confessed and sat on the sofa next to him. Minho turned slightly and pressed his forehead against Chan's. Their hands found each other, and Minho squeezed it gently. 

"I'm here, I’m still conscious," he promised. 

Chan pulled him into his lap and hugged him close as Minho sank against him with a soft sigh. "You were amazing today. I'm really proud of you," he told him. 

"Thanks, Channie hyung," he smiled sweetly and closed his eyes. "I'm so tired," he said softly. 

"You can sleep. I'll take care of everything else," he assured him. Minho didn't need a second invitation. 

Chan carried him to the car later, protecting his head as he leaned down to sit him inside. He sat down next to him, letting him sleep on his shoulder. He carried him inside once they reached home. At home, he laid him down on his bed and filled the bathtub with warm water to soothe his hurting body. He got him undressed and into the tub, bracing him as he very gently washed his hair and body. Minho was only half awake throughout the process, but appreciated the gesture nonetheless. 

Chan got him dressed again before carrying him downstairs and sitting on the sofa with him on his lap. Felix handed him a plate with some food, and Chan started feeding Minho slowly. Minho was barely able to keep his eyes open but made sure to eat a little, knowing he needed the energy. He grew heavy against him and fell asleep as soon as Chan started running his hand through his hair. 

The others all made sure to eat quietly and only talked with their voices lowered to give him some rest. Later, they put on a movie and gathered on the sofa around them, knowing if Minho woke up, he'd feel better seeing them continuing their day as always. He woke up later with a massive headache and winced softly as he moved on top of him. 

Chan looked down worriedly. "What's wrong?" 

"Headache," he groaned, melting into him as Chan massaged his scalp and temples. Felix came over with a glass of water and a pain pill for him, which he took, thankfully. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep again, curling up in Chan's arms. 

Chan kept on lovingly massaging his head for a while and smiled softly as Minho grew calm again. The others all slowly went to bed until it was just Chan, Jisung, and Minho left. 

"You need help carrying him upstairs?" Jisung offered quietly. Chan glanced down at Minho sleeping peacefully on his chest. 

"I think we'll just stay on the sofa for the night," he shook his head. "I don't want to wake him up again." 

"Alright," he nodded and gently patted Chan's shoulder. "Sleep well, Chan hyung." 

"You too, Hannie," he smiled and watched him leave. Chan got comfortable on the sofa and pulled Minho down with him, who stirred in his sleep. "It's fine, keep sleeping," he told him quietly, fondling his hair. Minho cuddled into him, and soon Chan fell asleep right after. 

Chp.19| Chp. 21

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[solastalgiart]

🫧

the last night i was working on finishing my minchan comic for valentine’s day, my shoulders and back hurt so bad i had to ask my mother for her nastiest, foulest, strongest pain-relief balm.

it stung, it stank, but it also numbed me for those last few hours that i needed to put in all the finishing touches and be satisfied with the final product.

in the morning, the effect wore off (and so did a little bit of my satisfaction—i found mistakes right before posting. back to more cleanup it was).

all of this is to say, yeah, we artists should take better care of our bodies and take plenty of breaks between sessions of shrimping over our desks! and hydrate! and stretch!

but also. that we put in pain and time and effort into what we do. sometimes it’s for the love of the act of making something of our own. sometimes it’s venting an unsurge of feelings. sometimes it’s spite or hate or loneliness or unspeakable grief or rage.

it comes down to very human emotions though, and self-expression, and this feeling that i must show you my heart this way, even if it’s terrifying, so that atleast one other person in the world would get it.

i trade away hours of my life and the comfort of my body and the drab, static ennui of my mind for this. i exchange my easy, uncomplicated, unchallenging existence and take on something so scary and full of promise. most of all, i barter my perfectionism and fear of not being a good enough artist for the mortifying ordeal, the inexplicable joy of doing it anyway.

because no one else will. no one else can tell my stories the same and convey emotions the way i do—certainly not AI and those who swear by it lol.

anyway, i’ll go back to putting my body and mind through their paces and working on more art and taking my time with it and having lots of fun (with occasional interludes of despair) in the process! just need to rest up a little first ^.^

[smollobsession]

my slow improvement in doing things continues.

the biggest step so far continues to be that i'm sleeping normal amounts of hours. i average on 8h a night and that's perfect. some days i go up to 10, some days i go to sleep late and still only get 6, but it's not 4 any more so wow yay woo.

i'm making simple lunches for work, but they are healthy and i AM making them :D

i realized that while it's true that i rarely crave sweets now, i still have a strong habit of thinking i need them, buying them, and if they are in front of me i will eat compulsively. but once i put them in the cupboard i forget they exist and i'm fine. (i did quite enjoy the peruvian sweets :D )

I met up with E a few times this week and she gave me a bunch of things. Most notably, a shirt! it fits me and the colors are wild :D i'm not sure what i'd wear down with it, but my wardrobe needs a bit of a refresher ... some time when i get paid and have money to burn i guess grr.

She gave me this herbal supplement that people seem to love by AG but I read once (and double checked now) and it's really hard to make sure that all the 6789098765 ingredients in the supplement don't mess with the ssri. so i think i'll give it back. i'm also gonna ask her to check if her sleeping problems didn't return once she started taking it.

she made banana bread with spelt flour and gave it to me today, it is DELICIOUS!

and finally, she gave me a bunch of perfume testers, one of them was for givenchy's l'interdit and i LOVE it so much i'm actually planning to buy it. again, money, what is it. C might be able to get it for me cheaper, and she also has a small version of it at home that she'll get me! :D having friends is nice.

i kinda want to find a dnd group or go watch hockey again... but all that would do better to wait for my next job, with a hope in more normal work hours.

I did treat myself by NOT buying the skz tour dvd because I was like... I literally don't have a dvd player what is the endgame here. i would much prefer for them to announce a tour here and spend money on multiple concerts.

work is causing a bit of anxiety as always. i had to have some discussions about not being racist in class pls, some insecurities about the upcoming exam etc. also i've already started working on the evaluations because it's so repetitive and boring for some students. what's the point.

i'm lowkey getting inspired to write again, so that lxc/jc fic might get another chapter soon :D it's been... 3 years now? :D if only i didn't keep changing previous chapters so i could at least post is as wip. but no, it only lives in my head :P

i am NOT keeping up with the raids needed to finish that timed challenge in pogo, i should probably do some stupid 1* raids even if i hate them, just to up the numbers. but i really want to do more shadow raids at the weekend. last sunday i went to the center but damn for once it was empty.

yesterday channie came online again and of course i was working but i snuck in 10 min of him during the break. it was so good to see him. and just as i was on the break, lino came to bbl :D <3 my minchan always :)

my korean is going well but i really really need to get a teacher again. i'm eating through duo too quickly :D

[mizugucci]

oh crap i forgot i was gonna write down my thoughts about verivery!! lets do that right now. in short it was GREAT (i had a bit of a rough day so i didnt enjoy it like i normally would have but objectively it was amazing!!!) 

i was really impressed with the sound quality, with most concerts, especially kpop, and in such a small venue they have shitty ass sound quality (see: vav and imfact) where the music is WAY too loud over the vocals (and way too loud in general...) but that wasnt a problem here which was really nice

speaking of sound, lets go power vocal gyehyeon!! GET THAT SHIT also hoyoung and dongheon both sung and they have such sweet voices why does there ever need to be rap anyway.....

also can you believe they came to MY city!! not chicago!!! i didnt have to drive 6+ hours just to see a group perform

minchan is SO fucking pretty like pardon my language but i dont think i can get across how ethereal he truly is up close. AND he had his hair styled curlyish and tussled which. whew.’ his best look. 

i was ALSO impressed with their english! i know hoyoung is fluent but to my surprise most of the members could at least get by in a conversation and had the confidence to talk in english (dongheon in particular was really good, you could easily tell he had been studying) 

they did thunder!!!!!!!! aka one of top 10 kpop songs EVER and like i hate to admit to being vulnerable but when they performed it i genuinely cried lmfao bc a few people had told me they wouldnt be performing it (and i didnt check the setlist bc i wanted to be surprised) so the whole time i was like IM NOT GONNA SEE THUNDER (crying) and then when they DID perform it i was like IM SEEING THUNDER (crying, but in a different way)

hmmmm what else. oh! they were super in sync! like expected, they werent as in sync as their dance practices which yknow. totally makes sense when they have to focus on singing and performing not *only* dancing but they were fantastic like i was expecting them to be 

they did ring ring ring!!! and i was SO fucking ready to scream the lyrics to that NAL BULLEOJWO MEORISSOGEUN RING RING RING JUNGEUL  ULLYEO DDANG BUT ACTUALLY it turned out to be ENGLISH version which youd think would be easier to sing along to except no one knew the lyrics LOL

when they did the q&a.... love that shit. and when vocal line started singing let it go and then they stopped but then the audience kept singing while they just stood there lmfao although i think it was minchan (?) who knew most of the lyrics too

they also did baby shark and well. it was cute i cant help it i love stupid cute crap (crying emoji) but they ALSO wore letterman jackets and for those who know me, i am a HUGE sucker for letterman jackets!!!!!

what else....

well i already mentioned this in the other post but hoyoung and i totally had an eye contact moment during their encore. like i KNOW people are always like oh em gee he waved at me!!! but like... its true this time i swear. i FELT the eye contact and after i waved i changed into a thumbs up to indicate he had done a great job and he immediately changed from waving to doing a thumbs up too and smiled directly at me

i have no video proof or anything but i am going to take it to my grave that i had a moment with hoyoung lmfao

i didnt do the hi touch or meet and greet or anything bc i couldnt afford it but my friends did and they said it was great!! a little weird bc of gloves and plexiglass but they still had their moment lol

ALSO HOLY SHIT YONGSEUNG looks SO FUCKIGN GOOD in both of those outfits. whoever styled his hair with that singular piece in front of his forehead like elvis needs a a freaking RAISE. same with the person who gave hoyoung an undercut. 

EDIT: wait i forgot the most important!!!!!!!!!! i got it on video but anyway yongseung looked amazing like i said but then he started to take off his coat and people were like OHHHHH MY GODDD which . same. me too. but then he got embarrassed and was like “its just skin theres no muscle” wtF I LOVE HIM

also i cant believe their luck lol.... literally the day before they came we had those insane storms with tornadoes

i also got the entirety of thunder on my phone so now ill always be watching that. i wasnt as close as other people bc i wanted an even view of the stage and not from one side or the other. and also bc i was feeling very anxious and claustrsaphobic so i just stood in the back away from everyone else lol

[nettlestingsoup]

hey morgan! 1, 3, 7, 14, 15, 23, 24, 25 and 27 for the fic asks? that's quite a few haha sorry. also i hope you feel better soon!! <3

hi honey! the more the merrier, right? and yeah, i slept for 12 hours and now i'm making more soup, so this cold should be gone very soon!

1: favourite fic has to be all that makes me holy, i found in you. technically i started it last year, but i did the lion's share this year and i'm honestly so, so proud of it.

3: favourite line or scene... probably a scene from protect me from the dark outside (despite what hides within) (the southern gothic au). it is... a horrifying scene. very gory. but i'm proud of it, because i feel like it actually really encapsulates the genre i was trying to imitate; it's not often that i really push myself with regards to genre, but i did for that au and that scene just feels right. here's a tiny section of it, but i don't want to spoil too much!

It sounds different this time, Changbin thinks; it’s not unlike Silas, not like it’s dropped some pretence of his identity. It’s still using his voice, after all. His throat. But there’s something wrong about the way it speaks. Something strained and wet and painful. As it approaches the boundary of the garden, Changbin understands why. The thing that pushes through the vines is still recognisably human, but rot sets in quickly in the heat and humidity of the forest, and the creatures that roam the foothills of the mountains are always hungry. And Pastor Silas has been dead a week, after all.

7: all that makes me holy, at a final count of 93,973 words!

14: i never expected to go back to the lichtenberg au. i wrote it out as a quick thing last year but never really planned to develop it more, but i'm enjoying it!

15: honestly, i learned this year that changes in my writing habits aren't the end of the world. i've had a huge change in my lifestyle this year (from uni to a full-time job) and it's really affected my writing time. i don't have one lecture in the morning and then a free day in the morning. i don't have hours and hours at my disposal to find music that fits the vibe i want, or to write out full 2k word scenes. and to be honest, it's been a real struggle to work with the time i have; i panicked a few times that starting work was the end of me writing stories because i just do not have the same amount of time and energy anymore. but i've adjusted. i can't write as much as i used to, or as often, but that's ok. i'm learning to make use of the time i have. i'm learning that it's ok to just write what i want instead of powering through one story when i'm not in the mood. at the end of the day, writing is about having fun and catharsis for me, and i guess i'm learning to value those things more than obsessive productivity and devoting all my time to my stories like i did when i had the time to do that. was that a bit long? i think that was a bit long.

23: the hyunin seven swans au eludes me. one day i'll write it. also some post-apocalyptic minchan. also any minsung at all (it's been a while since i wrote them).

24: evy's magic academy fic! i haven't finished it yet but it's so soft and warm and good.

25: same answer! i'll be honest, i have not read a lot of fic this year. university exams plus a dissertation plus starting a whole new life in a new city does not allow a lot of time for reading. i'm hoping to get some in over christmas, though.

27: ... same answer? like i said, it's been a tough year for reading.

thank you for these asks! sorry if this got very, very long <3

[renaissancehqs]

𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒆𝒅, 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒂𝒃𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒅.

                                                     CAREER

5ense debut with mansae, 2014

best dance performance award for a male group at the mnet asian music awards, 2015

collaboration magazine cover with actress 2, vogue korea, 2015

first solo cf, stonehenge, 2015

solo cf, kloud beer, 2015, viral commercial clip (6 mil views)

first solo magazine cover, dazed, 2015, double-page interview

launch of solo instagram account, 2016 (3 mil followers)

model of the year at tvcf awards, 2017

best male group award at the korean music awards; disk bonsang at the golden disk awards, 2017

                                                        PAST

his face hurt.

his cheeks had started to tighten up, the corners of his mouth giving a minuscule twitch. he thought he would be used to it by now, but the exhaustion that slowly began to creep up his spine and pull down his shoulders told him otherwise.

his face hurt because he was smiling too much. 

it had been an hour since the start of the fansign event, since they took to the small stage rented out by kbc and performed a few songs before settling into their seats behind a long table, waiting for the line of fans to come up to them for greetings. it wasn’t their first fansign, and minchan had started to get used to the ebb and flow of these types of events. still, the part of him that preferred to be by himself curled up and shriveled with how many people he had to greet. 

it wasn’t that he wasn’t excited to see fans, but his mood had already been on a downward swing since this morning. an accidental scroll too far down his mentions on twitter lead him down a rabbit hole of fan accounts arguing that if he wanted to be a model so badly, he should leave the group. 

the comments had popped up since his photoshoot in vogue korea, when the popularity of his airport fashion met actual fashion. he had been excited, at first, barely contained energy bursting from him the whole week. the response had been good, at first. it had boosted 5ense’s recognition and had led to more invitations for photoshoots and cf recordings. then it started to sour with some fans. it shouldn’t have been surprising. he already knew of his rocky standing, but he had hoped it would please fans. 

nonetheless, he wouldn’t let them get to him. he had his members to support him and other fans who stood by his side. they deserved a brighter smile. 

he greeted the next fan, letting her take his hand as she spoke rapidly about her excitement, about how many albums she brought, about her favorite song from their latest release. she pushed a copy of her [xoxo] mini-album forward. 

“can you sign it? and answer the question? i put a cat post-it because i remembered you said you used to have a pet cat. do you miss her?” she swung their joined hands back and forth, the pink nail polish on her fingers glinting under the lights.

he glances down at the sticky note, a green cat-shaped thing posted next to his face in the album. minchannie, it read, what is your current concern?

“my sister sends me pictures of gureum often. should i post one for fans?”

she nodded, the hand that held his shaking. “we would love to see guruem! we are always excited to see your posts!”

he smiled politely up at the fan for a moment before uncapping his sharpie (black, this time, after he accidentally grabbed a red marker last fansign and ended up having to borrow his member’s markers because so many fans had red post-it notes). a current concern? he thought of putting something cute, befitting of the youngest member. something like ‘my members wouldn’t play a game with me last night.’

it would be cute, but not really a concern. he paused, tapping his chin with the end of the sharpie. 

ah.

i wish to be loved by fans, even though i am lacking. 

he shook his head. that would be too depressing, too attached. it was sure to incite something. he could almost hear the sound of his manager in the back of his head. it’s your branding, minchan. the aloof prince. 

there was no arguing with the company. he bent his head to write his reply. 

the members have not cleaned the living room despite frequent promises…

                                                     PRESENT

nothing had changed.

not physically, at least. the dorm looked the same as when he left it six months into the hiatus. clothing rack bursting with jackets and button-downs and sweaters lining the living room wall. the sleek black couch they had been excited to find out fit even the tallest of them lying flat. even the sounds of feet shuffling across the floor.

minchan stood in silence as he took in the place he had lived in for years but hadn’t seen in months. his suitcase stood propped to his side, a reminder he wasn’t coming home but moving back in after moving out. it hadn’t been an easy decision, but it was a necessary one. the cult investigation (it still drew him into disbelief. a cult investigation.) had put them all at a standstill. there was no work to be done, no music to be made, no cf to be recorded. nothing. just hours of empty time for people whose lives, up until that point, had been scheduled down to the minute.

it was enough to drive anyone insane.

while he had kept in touch with his members, there was a kind of awkwardness that hung heavy over their conversations. the uncertainty of their future. his break from the dorm had been a good one, if he ignored the times his parents urged him to quit while he was ahead.

kbc is a sinking ship, minchan. let go while you’re still young enough to have a life.

the words rolled around in his mind ceaselessly. he knew, objectively, he would be the first member many fans would say could separate from the group without causing much damage or loss. before the hiatus started, he was still fresh-eyed and naive enough to believe he could prove them wrong. he had been chosen to debut for a reason, his talents had shown to the trainers and management.

how foolish.

the break had taught him two things: one, his familiarity with the spotlight had become a love and hate relationship, a struggle between his craving for praise and his shyness marketed as mysteriousness. two, no matter how hard he worked, he would never be seen as anything but 5ense’s empty, useless, pretty face.

it was better to embrace it now than face heartache later seeing the fruits of his labor wither before him.

he pulled his suitcase into his bedroom, as neat as he had left it. his eyes grazed over his carefully made bed, the fan letters he had painstakingly read and re-read taped above his desk, the plush bear sitting woefully in a chair. months ago, he had left this room optimistic that the break would be brief and the group would be back to practicing in no time.

he walked over to open the blinds, letting the sunlight in and dust fly into the air.

things have changed, but luckily, so has he.