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bipolarchristianwidow · 6 years

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I made this image you see below for my #bipolar support group... And posted it there knowing they would relate. Then... I seriously debated on sharing this here publically. It is scary for me to be so transparent bold and honest. Partially because it's embarrassing but partially because I don't want to overwhelm you... How is that fair to me, and people like me?

Listen, we know we're overwhelming... We KNOW you hide or ignore us. 🙁 How do you think that makes us (me) feel? The inability for me and people who suffer like me truly leads to suicide due to this type of clinical depression. The stigma keeps us silent, and your lack of knowledge and compassion intensifies it.

Think about Robin Williams for a second... He hid his pain behind laughter and tried to cope in silence. There is nothing worse than dealing with days like this and not one person cares enough to understand it. He had resources I'll never have and he still killed himself.

We don't talk about it enough... Young people suffer from this and the added stigma of also being gay or having an addiction to contend with. It is no wonder they turn to suicide.

I'm simply tired. Physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted... But I'm also tired of the stigma which creates your fear of me. We stand in a room FULL of people and feel alone. This is why often we simply stay home... Which creates more depression.

This is not just something that can be "prayed away" or 'big pharma' and therapy can fix... We are not crazy or strange, just misunderstood. Because our brain does 'this' what you see below. Our handicap is invisible, but like cancer eats our sanity slowly into dementia. Step inside my head with me for just a second and see what this feels like. A very real chemical imbalance that we can't control. It causes real often debilitating issues in our lives and can take years to properly diagnose and treat.

So... I decided the only way you will understand what my mind does is if I DO share it, so you can spend the 30 seconds it takes to read it in my head. Yes, it's embarrassing, Yes I know you'll judge me... But I have to stand up and stop being silent while im judged and misunderstood. I watch people in my support group suffer daily, I watch mothers grieve for their children due to addiction when they don't understand the root cause. It is sad because it can be helped with a little knowledge and understanding. Open minds save lives.

Since I was laid off from my job I've fallen into a pretty deep depression that has morphed into a rapid cycle mixed manic state... This is very dangerous and should require hospitalization. The embarrassing fact for me is now I don't have insurance. Worse yet, that it is of no fault of my own. I was mostly stable for 6 years. Yes, I struggled to maintain but I was ' stable'

Then in October the company who employed me for 6 years dissolved in front of my eyes and I was laid off. Now I can't properly treat it and due to the stigma and my current state of mind, I CAN'T find a job. I pull myself up only to be kicked HARD in the shins and back down again, It is a vicious cycle. And I sit in a dark room... Alone day after day hoping and praying (yes praying) something will change.

I'm screaming that I need help... But no one is listening and I'm not the only one. There are 5.2 million of us who can't get the help they need and they (we) are simply silent due to fear! It causes addiction and homelessness... Scary involuntary hospitalization we can't afford and WE are being ignored.

Bipolar is UGLY and scary but when you're in a deep depression it makes you irrational which makes you look stupid. I'm not stupid, I'm just 'out of my mind' right now (yes, that's a real thing) and not "handling it very well" as Eric (my late husband) would say.

I wish that more people knew what this looks and feels like... It might create more compassion. If I had one request it would be this: Don't just read this... And shake your head in silent judgment or worse, don't just ignore it. As embarrassing as it is, it was a real day in my life, in fact, it was today! This terrible day WAS my day. And that was just the highlights. As I sit here and type this at 4:00 am because I can't sleep, I'm scared. I don't know when I'll sleep properly again, I don't know what tomorrow holds and I don't like what this does to my kids.

I stand up and say these things so that you understand it a little more and maybe bit by bit you can educate yourself to someone who might have it. Possibly, someone, YOU love! Or, maybe, someone, you love who has it but doesn't recognize the signs. If there is someone you love who suffers from this like I do stand up, be an advocate!

As a widow... I have what's called layered clinical, situational and seasonal depression (all three of these are different and carry their own distinct markers) Again, I'm not the only one. A little bit of knowledge goes a LONG way and you might just save them from possible suicide.

Feeling alone and trapped in a mind and body that doesn't function properly is terrifying. Please, I beg you... Share this! Make this go viral! If you can share "cat memes" and Bible verses you can share this!

My long-term goal is to start a nonprofit to help people like me who suffer and lack the proper resources leaving them homeless and unable to thrive. I need support and funding but moreover, I need to raise awareness. I'm not asking for money, I'm asking for a few minutes of your time, prayer and the willingness to learn!

Please like and share this post. Visit my website www.HisDailyMiracle.com and subscribe to my updated blogs so you can share them. And please pay close attention to the ones you love. I have a passion for this and compassion for those who suffer because I live it! I'm tired of having to be silent and pretend I'm okay. I want it to be 'okay NOT to be okay' and not just let that be a meme you share, even if for a minute.

This illness is progressive, incurable and scary... Please just try to put yourself our heads for 30 seconds. It will change your outlook and you'll see something you didn't see before.

#bipolarchristianwidow #anxiety #Depression #mixedmanic #mania

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