#moms friends were there you should be so proud of me for my self restraint

[mossy-covered-bones]

You mean you can watch something without becoming immediately obsessed with the characters and symbolism?

[trevor-wilson-covington]

What could have been...

//Saw that the site I use to make mood boards has a CD Cover option and thought it would be fun to do Sunset Curve’s Demo and Unreleased Songs (+Home Is Where My Horse Is) as they would look as singles!!! I may make CD Covers for the other 13 songs in the show...if people end up really liking these ones and if inspiration strikes!

**Gave an idea of what I think the other 7 songs would be about/why they were written (said what we know Unsaid Emily, Now or Never, and Home Is Where My Horse Is are about already of course too)!!

1. Unsaid Emily: Is of course about Luke’s rough relationship with his mom, which was never resolved before his death. It touches on how he knew he should have turned around and come back home but his pride stopped him. All the conversations he had created in his head about what they would say to each other when he finally saw her again stayed that way, thoughts in his head. Wondering if he had been able to say the right things to his mom or made up with her before dying, would time not have erased the memory of him?  

2. Get Lost: I believe it is about the feeling of restlessness and wanting to just take off on an adventure somewhere new or unique. Similar to how Luke finds sleeves (zleeves) restricting, this song is about how life can feel suffocating sometimes and all you want to do is grab a bag of essentials and walk in the mist/ride off into the night to a freer life. 

3. Long Weekend: Is about the band’s friendship/brotherhood/sense of found family and how over many weekends they find themselves going through a lot of struggles and heartache together. These are the weekends that feel the longest because there is so much the four boys help each other through and many times they find they don’t want the weekend to end so they can spend more non-band time together to just be four stupid teen boys navigating all the twists and turns of life. 

4. Crooked Teeth: My thoughts are that it could have been written when he had braces/a retainer in the 90s & was self-conscious of it, so it was written to cheer Reggie up about his braces/retainer & pretty much say "hey, Reggie...people's smiles vary & they're all unique & beautiful"...instead of mocking him, like the show seems to tell us it was written to do.

5. My Name Is Luke: Is a darker, more introspective song about Luke’s struggle with an identity crisis where he feels he’s being pulled in different directions. One side is the Luke who loves his parents and wants to make them happy and have them be proud of him. The other side is the Luke. who is passionate about writing and playing music, who thrives off the feelings and energies of the crowd as they connect with him and his lyrics. Luke finds he can’t be one version of Luke without ultimately giving up the other and trying to do both is exhausting and soul crushing at times. The title is his way of saying ‘Hey, this is my name, it’s who I am, and I can be a loving son my parents can be proud of while also doing what I love and making a difference in the lives of people who listen to my music’. He just wishes his parents could come to understand that he loves music and he’s really good at it, so why can’t he continue doing it and make them proud at the same time.  

6. Now or Never: Is, as we know, about Sunset Curve’s rise to fame and how they can dream as though they’ll never die but they’re going to live their life as though today could be their last day alive. They aren’t looking to the future, because all they need are each other and the energy that is coursing through their bodies in the present. They hear a voice in their heads saying you only have this one life, so make the most of it so when you die you’ll have had no regrets about the things you did or didn’t do. This is their time to shine and even when their lives were bleak or lacking, their days were still the best of their lives because they were making music and gradually making a name for themselves doing so. 

Weaved in are of course lyrics that seem to foreshadow their 3 deaths with the mention of shock to their hearts (the defibrillators used to try to keep them alive in the alley or ambulance), clocks moving forward but they don’t get older (how for 25 yrs they were in limbo and didn’t age and are now 17-year-old ghosts in 2020), how they kept on climbing 'til their stars collided (floated up out of the ambulance to the dark place until crashing into Julie’s life (she’s a star as Luke says)), and how all that they left in the past was just the just the key to paradise (all the things they left behind once they died were just ‘stepping stones’ to the ‘paradise’ of heaven for most people or in the boy’s case the path to Julie and playing music again).

7. Late Last Night: Is about the late nights the four boys spent out at clubs/venues leading up to the Orpheum, gigs that helped them gain a decent following, and all the crazy things they saw and did. 17-year-olds out late partying, possibly drinking, on school nights. A higher energy song, similar to Now or Never to match the antics of a bunch of teens practically let loose on the music/club scene during the band’s rise in the Hollywood/LA music scene in ‘93/’94/’95. It evokes the feelings of being wild and reckless as a teen, while also somehow capturing the energy of the nighttime as you move from the crowded main strip into residential areas and how quick and jarring the change can be.     

8. Lakeside Reflection: This is a tough one, but I think it would be about the individual experiences most or all of the boys have from going to lakes during summer with their families. There’s of course all the fun time spent with family, but in the reflection on the lake of those moments the boys only see the truth of their family dynamics, what was hidden behind a pleasant façade. 

For Luke, it was the strained relationship and fights with his mom over the band and his dreams. 

For Alex, it was the looks and offhanded comments made by his parents and the looks of sympathy from his sister, ever since he told them he was gay. 

For Reggie, it was the nights spent keeping his brother and sister distracted as the walls practically shook from the volume and intensity of his parents’ almost daily fights. 

And for Bobby, it was the truth that he kept up a façade even with the boys so they wouldn’t know that his family, that the others always believed to be perfect, wasn’t perfect at all. When rarely he saw his parents and they weren’t off on business trips or working late into the night, Bobby found them to be disinterested in his life and any affection or love was relegated to a pat on the back or a quick hand held before they rushed out the door once more. 

The happy summer vibes at the lake could never truly make any of the boys forget their truths, but at least they could let loose for the extent of their trips and finally feel like a carefree teen again.               

9. In Your Starlight: This would seem to be a certain kind of love song at first glance and for some people that’s what it may be, but to me it is a very specific kind of love song. This love song is about relationships each of the boys had, the very few of them, that didn’t turn out well for some reason or another. A passion for music overshadowing the passion to keep a relationship going. The fear of long-term commitment and a short-lived bliss, before the fighting starts, ending the relationship before it ever grew deeper. The smothering of a fire in the soul so outsiders can’t see one trace of its flicker, hidden behind a lie, in case they find out the truth and react with disgust or hatred. Or the overly flirtatious and, at times, clingy antics used to get a person interested in starting a relationship. To keep them invested in the relationship, in an effort to make sure they won’t leave out of boredom or for someone better. This song is from the perspective of those other people, how they saw the relationship, no matter the length, and what they see as the thing that ended it or kept it from growing stronger. How they all in some way felt like they were pulled in by light of each of the boys (the stars) and things were good at first, before the cracks started to appear and reality truly set in.    

10. Home Is Where My Horse Is: It’s an expression of where and whom Reggie calls home. The horse had never really stood for an actual horse, but rather it represented Luke, Alex, and Bobby. The people Reggie considered his family, his home, more than he ever would the house he had grown up in. Horses symbolize freedom without restraint, because riding a horse makes people feel they can free themselves from their own bindings. There is no constraining a horse when it runs with the wind, but they also enjoy the company of family and friends. Reggie wants freedom from the stuff with his parents and his own personal demons that keep him held back. He finds with the band, his real family, he can run free and be himself...enjoying being around the boys and not having to worry about fighting and drama. His home is where he (the horse) is... able to be its true self and go where the wind takes it.     

[discotreque]

LwD 1.10, “No Small Parts”

Well, that was the most fun I've had watching Star Trek in literally a quarter of a century.

I had high hopes for this series. I love TAS, largely because of its wacky outsized concepts that could only have worked in animation—not that they all did work, but the potential was so apparent to me, even as a kid reading the Alan Dean Foster novelizations—and as an adult, there's something about the imagination of Lower Decks's FX setpieces that transcends even the glorious CGI bonanzas of Discovery.

Pause for a confession. I've long pushed back against criticism of serialization in new Trek. That's just how TV is now, okay? Might as well complain about it being in widescreen. But I'm backing down a little, because I've realized there is something about Star Trek that's inextricable from at least a partially-episodic format. And while Picard was telling a different kind of story, I can't deny that my favourite episodes of Disco have been the ones with a mostly self-contained A-plot. After 10 delightfully episodic instalments of LwD, its focus on long-term development of characters instead of a season-spanning puzzle-plot (okay, mostly just Mariner, but we only have 10 × 22 minutes and she is the star) has been downright refreshing.

So here we are, at the end of the most consistent and well-executed Season 1 of a Star Trek series since, arguably, Those Old Scientists. And sure, if they'd had to produce another... yikes, 42 episodes? Then sure, they probably would have dropped a clunker or two—but they didn't, and winning on a technicality is still winning. I'm practically vibrating with excitement for Disco to come back next week, but damn, I'm going to miss this little show while it's on hiatus.

Spoilers below:

Something I've been keeping track of finally paid off this week! (Which never happens to me, lol.) The destruction of the USS Solvang marked the first present-day death(s) of any Starfleet officer on Lower Decks, the only other on-screen killing at all being a flashback in "Cupid's Errant Arrow". Which makes sense, being (a) a comedy, and (b) about typically "expendable" characters: it hasn't been afraid to flirt with a little darkness here and there, but killing people off at Star Trek's usual pace wouldn't just be wrong for the tone, it would be downright bizarre.

But... people die on Star Trek. That's one of the core themes of the show, really: space is full of knowledge and beauty, but also danger and terror, and believing that the former is worth the risk of the latter is (according to Trek) one of humanity's most noble traits. I'm the least bloodthirsty TV watcher I know, but the longer we went with a body count of nil—ships completely evacuated before they were destroyed, main characters hilariously maimed without permanent consequences, etc.—well, I didn't mind per se, but the absence of truly deadly stakes was definitely getting conspicuous.

Turns out they were saving it up for maximum impact. And holy fuck, I've never felt such a pit in my stomach watching a ship get destroyed that wasn't named Enterprise. It felt grim and brutal and somehow both much too quick and dreadfully inevitable—and yeah, it looked extremely fucking cool—and I'd like every other Star Trek property for the rest of time to take notes under a large bold heading labeled RESTRAINT.

Comedy doesn't need to do this, but my favourite comedy does, and in a way that few other art forms can even approach: lower my emotional defences by making me laugh, endear character(s) to me with goofy-but-relatable antics—then BAM, sucker-punch me in the motherfucking feels. M*A*S*H is probably the classic example on TV, Futurama was notorious for it, and even Archer has pulled it off a few times; it's also a staple of some of my favourite standup. I wasn't sure if Lower Decks was going to go there in Season 1—and wasn't sure if they'd earn it—but I knew if they did, that they'd nail it, and damn. Feels good to be right.

Last batch of notes for the season!!! I rambled enough already, so let's do it liveblog-style:

I fucking KNEW they were going to use "archive" visuals from TAS at some point, I KNEW IT :D

"THOSE OLD SCIENTISTS" ahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I like chill and confident Boimler a lot? You can really see—

oh bRADWARD NOOOOO

That opening shot of the Solvang tracking down to the red giant was extremely Discovery-esque... minus the motion sickness, that is

A lady captain AND a lady first officer? That's—oh hey, it's Captain Dayton's brand-new ship. Hahaha, that means they're totally fucked, right?.

Yep! They sure a—umm, wh—shit, okay, but—oh no—no, you can't—wait DON'T

...fuck

FUCK.

Narrator: "And then Amy needed a five-hour break."

[live-action Star Trek showrunner voice] "Gee, Mike! Why does CBS let you have two cold opens?"

Okay, yes, the bit with Rutherford cycling through all the different attitudes in his implant was transparently an excuse for Eugene Cardero to vamp while waiting for something to do in the story, but as far as I'm concerned they can contrive a reason for him to do a bunch of different silly Rutherfords in a row any time they damn well want, because that was classic!!!

EXOCOMP EXOCOMP EXOCOMP EXOCOMP

AND THE EXOCOMP IS PAINTED LIKE THE EXOCOMP IS WEARING A LITTLE EXOCOMP-SIZED STARFLEET UNIFORM

EXOCOMP!!!!!

The slow burn and now the payoff of the Mariner-is-Freeman's-secret-daughter plot has been executed so well. I'm beyond impressed with this writer's room, y'all—they are threading a hell of a needle here

"Wolf 359 was an inside job" would have been a spit-take if I'd had anything in my mouth

...how many memos do you think Starfleet Command has had to issue asking people to stop calling the USS Sacramento "the Sac"?

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THEY'VE DECORATED THE SHUTTLECRAFT SEQUOIA THOUGH

Is, uh, is it weird if I'm starting to ship Tendi and Peanut Hamper a little? It is weird, isn't it. I knew it was weird...

Coital barbs??? I take back everything I said about wanting to know more about Shaxs/T'Ana.

The "good officer" version of Mariner is... kind of hot, tbh! But Tawny Newsome has done such a great job of building this character all season that her voice getting uncharacteristically clipped and martial and "sir! yes, sir!" is also deeply, deeply weird

Ah, so this is literally exactly like when TNG (and DS9) would bring in, and then blow up, a never-before-seen Galaxy-class ship, just to underscore that we're facing a real threat this week, baby. And hey, it fucking worked—my heart was in my throat, omg, for the reveal of the—

PAKLEDS?????????

The fucking PAKLEDS have been gluing weapons to their ships for the last 15 years. GREAT.

(We interrupt the SHIP BEING SLICED INTO SCRAP for an interesting bit of world-building: on Earth, the traditional First Contact Day meal is salmon!)

"I need a dangerous, half-baked solution that breaks Starfleet codes and totally pisses me off! That's an order." I'm starting to think Captain Freeman might actually be overqualified for the Cerritos, y'all—she's REALLY awesome

OH SHIT IT'S BADGEY, this is a TERRIBLE IDEA

"How much contraband have you hidden on my ship?" "I don't know! A lot!"

Awwww, Boims!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHA, FUCK THIS, PEANUT HAMPER OUT

BADGEY NOOOOO

AUGHHHHH WHAT THE CHRIST DID HE JUST—BUT—RUTHERFORD'S IMPLANT????

RUTHERFORD!!!!!!!!!!

SHAXS!!!!!!

F U C K ! ! ! ! !

ahaIOPugdfhagntpgjrq90e5mgu90qe5;oigoqgw4ouegrw5SP;IAEHURVa IT’S THE TITAN???????????

IT'S CAPTAIN WILLIAM T. RIKER ON THE MOTHERFUCKING TITAN??????????

i'm screaming I'M SCREAMINGGGGGG​TGGGTGQER;​LBHAOIBVNV;​OAPBIJNVagr;h;​oagruipuwtnaetbaetgq35ghqet

I'M SO GLAD THIS WASN'T SPOILED FOR ME WTF

I AM WEEPING LIKE A CHILD

...

(Just a brief 20-minute pause this time)

And oh wow, seeing Will and Deanna hits different after Picard too, in a few different ways, which I may even get into later now that my heartrate is back to normal, lmao

Oh, I am always here for some jokes at the expense of the Sovereign class. The Enterprise-E sucked. They should have built a new bigger model of the D and new Galaxy-class interiors for the TNG movies, and I will die on that hill

OKAY, FINE, YOU GOT ME, RUTHERFORD × TENDI WOULD BE ADORABLE AND THIS IS ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOOD SETUP FOR IT

Awwww, Shaxs though :( Congrats on the single most badass death in Star Trek history, dude. The Prophets would—well, the actual Prophets would probably be slightly confused about most of it, but Kira Nerys would be proud of you and I feel like that probably counts for more. RIP, Papa Bear

I am here all damn DAY for the Mariner–Riker parallels, ahahahahaha

Pausing it to record my prediction that Boimler's commitment to not caring about rank anymore is going to last 3... 2...

Yep.

Bradward, how DARE YOU.

"Those guys had a long road, getting from there to here." OH FOR THE LOVE OF—

What a brilliant way to resolve and renew the various character arcs and relationships moving into Season 2! The writers could easily have brought everything back to status quo—chaotic Mariner fighting with her mom and being a bad influence on Boimler, etc.—and done another 10 just like these, but I suspect that wouldn't have been ambitious enough for these writers. What a blast. I cannot wait for more.

Thanks for following along, friends! Stay tuned for my (similarly patchy and amateur) coverage of Discovery, starting next week!

[eryiss]

FRAXUS: Eight Days In Transit - 2 of 2

Summary: Laxus' life had always been hard. His life was shaped by hardships and troubles, and he knew he needed to keep on moving to survive. But when he is forced to stowaway on a luxury train to Paris, he is given a small respite in his troubles in the form of Freed Justine, a confident writer unlike anyone Laxus had ever met. The man offers him space in his cabin just for the story of how he got there, an act of kindness that changes Laxus' life completely.

But a lot can happen on a train journey. And getting on the train might have been one of the best things that could have happened to Laxus. All it takes is eight days of transit. [Fraxus | 12.5k Words]

Hi all. I hope you liked the first part and enjoy reading the ending. Just to warn you there’s a smut scene, which is skippable. It starts at the headding ‘Day Seven - Night’ if you want to avoid it.

You can read it on Archive of our Own, Fanfiction and Under The Cut. Also you can read the previous chapter here.

Eight Days Of Transit - Part 2

Day Five: Morning

When Laxus woke, there was a ball of guilt in his stomach.

Whatever Freed wanted to do with men was none of his business, and it was unimportant. What was important was that he and Freed were friends – or at least on good terms with each other – and Laxus had been a jackass. His silence had led to Freed to believe Laxus judged him for his preference, and that wasn't right.

Worse still, Freed had faced rejection on his novella due to it being a romance between two men. He must have already been feeling shitty about himself, and Laxus' silence would have been another kick to the teeth.

He had acted like a dick and needed to make amends.

Blinking open his eyes he looked to the side and his guilt increased tenfold. Sitting on the desk was a steaming bowl of porridge, three sliced of toast and a singular glass of orange juice. Freed had left him the breakfast he'd had throughout the week despite their argument. So he was still making good on his promise to look after him, not even punishing him slightly by lessening how much he was going to eat, and it made Laxus feel sick with his guilt.

Laxus jumped down from the bunk, stretching his back as he paced the room slightly. The first thing he needed to do was to apologise, then assure Freed that he didn't care about his homosexuality. Hopefully that would at least be a start at making things right.

As he paced, he heard the sound of water sloshing behind the closed door of the washroom.

So Freed was cleaning, rather than having left for the morning. That was good, that way he wouldn't have to wait until the night for Freed to return so he could apologise. If Freed had another day without him, then he would have more time to believe Laxus thought his lifestyle was wrong and his resentment would grow.

Although hearing Freed moving in the washroom made Laxus nervous.

He was never good at apologies. But this had to be different, because he truly was apologetic. In the past, most of his apologies were either because someone had forced him to say sorry or because he had a social obligation to do so. With this, he just had to be honest.

After a few moments, where Laxus nervously wrung his hands together, the door to the washroom opened. Laxus snapped his head towards Freed, who was fully dressed in his waistcoat and jacket, clearly intending to leave their cabin as quickly as possible. Freed hadnt yet been self-conscious about changing his clothes in front of Laxus other than in their first day together, so the fact he had dressed himself in the washroom was clearly related to their argument the day before. It made Laxus feel a little dull in his stomach.

"Wait," Laxus said, standing up and putting a hand on Freed's chest to stop him from leaving. "I need to talk to you."

"Make it quick then," Freed snapped icily. "I'm surprised you can bare to touch me. You might think I'm infectious or something absurd of the sort."

"That's actually what I wanted to talk about. What we spoke about last night, I mean," Laxus grinded his teeth, he should have planned this out. Freed looked at him expectantly, and impatiently. "Look, the fact that you're…"

"Gay," Freed spoke clearly. "I'm gay, Laxus. You can say it."

"The fact that you're gay, it ain't my business," Laxus continued, trying to maintain eye contact. He had never been good with eye contact. "Where you wanna put your dick… it ain't anything to do with me. Women, men, it's your choice. And let's be honest, I'm not in a place to judge you on anything. I snuck onto a fucking train and you didn't judge me."

"Correct," Freed said, still a little hostile. Laxus removed his hand from Freed's chest and sighed.

"I'm sorry," He said clearly, looking to the ground now. "You're a good man, and you've been more than decent to me. And this isn't me scared about you speaking to someone and getting me kicked off, do that if you want. It's your choice. But, I just want you to know that I am sorry for not being better to you."

Freed's posture changed a little. Laxus hadnt noticed it before, but Freed had been tense. Not out of fear – he couldn't imagine Freed being scared – but out of restraint. Perhaps he would have punched Laxus if he said the wrong thing. Perhaps he would have deserved it.

"Its fine," Freed said, and Laxus deflated.

"You sure?"

"Yes, I accept your apology," Freed sent him a small smile. "If you can believe it, your reaction was probably one of the best I've gotten; other gay men not withstanding of course."

"Seriously?" Laxus frowned. "I've been feeling shit about it, how much worse could it have been?"

"I've been beaten, spat at, yelled at. Most recently I got that letter from my publisher," Freed laughed a little, and it was clearly cynical. "It's a funny world we live in, where the best reaction I can get for telling someone about the gender I wish to love is a confused and somewhat judgemental silence."

That made Laxus feel like shit. He had no idea how much it must hurt Freed.

"But that's the reality of the world, and I can't change that," Freed sighed. "Speaking of unfortunate realities, we had some new passengers aboard and society dictates I must be polite to them."

The speed in which Freed changed topics almost gave Laxus whiplash. It highlighted just how well-versed Freed was in keeping his sexuality – and the feelings and opinions that came with it – under the surface of his personality. It was honesty jarring.

Laxus stood out of Freed's way, looking down at the floor again; perhaps he was ashamed of himself, or just shocked at the reality of Freed's life. The writer chuckled a little at the reaction, gave Laxus a solitary pat on the shoulder as if to say he understood what Laxus was going through, and started to walk to the door of their cabin.

"I really am sorry, Freed," Laxus said a final time.

"I know you are," Freed said, almost kindly. "Good day, Laxus."

~~~

Day Five: Evening

"I wanna tell you everything."

Laxus was lying in his bunk, looking up at the wooden ceiling. Freed was in the bed below him, and the room was dark without the candle or sunlight illuminating it. Laxus had no idea what the time was, exactly, but could assume it had been hours since the sun had set. The only reason he knew Freed was still awake was because he could hear him moving slightly in the bed.

Throughout the day, Laxus had been thinking. Freed had been open with him, about something that had gotten him injured and degraded in the past no less. And Laxus was still holding onto why he was on the train in the first place; something comparatively inconsequential.

"If you're ready," Freed replied slowly.

"Yeah, I think I am," Laxus nodded to himself. "I don't know if you wanna get a notepad or something…"

"I can remember," Freed assured him. "Speak when you feel comfortable."

Again, Laxus nodded. He took a moment to try and arrange his thoughts, wanting to be as honest and as open Freed had been with him. The story as to why Laxus needed to get on the train was literally the only thing Freed wanted in payment for becoming an accomplice in Laxus' crime, he needed to be as clear headed as he could. Out of respect for the man who had saved him.

"I guess, in a way, it started when I was a teenager," Laxus began. "I lived in Paris, with my grandfather. It was just the two of us most of the time, my mom had died and my dad… we'll get to him. So basically my grandfather raised me, and I had a pretty good life with him, but we argued a lot. It got worse when I was around sixteen.

"My dad had gotten in contact with me, we sent letters to each other a lot. Gramps found out and went insane, started yelling at me. Telling me to cut him out of his life, that he's a lowlife and scum. Didn't believe him, of course. Which only made things worse."

Laxus sighed, running a hand through his hair. He didn't like being reminded of the last time he saw his grandfather; the screaming matches were something he wasn't proud of.

"I ignored my grandad and kept in contact with my dad. He seemed like this perfect guy. He was rich and powerful, made himself out to be one of the most influential people in Athens," Laxus sighed. "And of course I fucking lapped that up like an idiot. I lived with this weird old man and then my dad showed up, acting like he was this man of power who everyone respected. Made his life look perfect and I wanted to be involved in it."

"That's understandable," Freed replied, mainly to show he was listening.

"I guess," Laxus sighed. "Me and Gramps argued more and more. I got closer to my dad, complained about Gramps to him, and then one day he showed up. Out of the blue, he was on the doorstep. Some rich guy dressed in designer clothes and expensive watches just was there. He seemed charming, like a good dad, so of course I fell for his bullshit.

"Gramps came home, went fucking mad. Tried to kick him out, say he wasn't welcome and to stop contacting me. I backed my dad up, like a fucking dickhead. And clearly my dad saw this as an opportunity, because this was the height of me and Gramps' arguing, he offered to take me with him."

Laxus sighed. He remembered how hopeful he had been. Ivan seemed to promise him the world, and he stupidly believed him.

"And I said yes," He said, eyes closing. "Gramps begged me not to, said Ivan was lying to me, but I wouldn't believe him. I packed up my shit, got on the train the same day."

"I assume," Freed said cautiously. "That it wasn't like you hoped."

"Fuck no," Laxus almost laughed at the idea. "He wasn't anything fucking like what he said. He was just a crappy wannabe thug, sucking up to anyone who could help him. And he was in debt to the Tartaros family, a group of hardcore gangsters who fucking ran Greece. And it wasn't like he owed him some spare change; he'd taken fucking thousands from them. Which they wanted back.

"That's why he got me in Greece, actually. He needed money, and I was a way to get it. Started off as menial work, heavy lifting and crap. Then it got worse, like selling guns and drugs to other thugs, and booze, during prohibition. He even tried to whore me out to any girl who'd pay."

"Jesus," Freed whispered.

"That was the limit for me," Laxus sighed. "I didn't wanna do any of that shit, but I wasn't going to fuck old women just to get him out of trouble. I was sixteen for fucks sake!"

Laxus took a breath to calm himself. The resentment he had for his father still ignited anytime he thought about him. Who fucking pimped their own son out, when they were a kid no less? That was just who Ivan was. Even his first letter to Laxus had a clear agenda, Laxus realised later in life. He was asking how comfortable he was with his grandfather and if he was living well; if Laxus had spoken about any riches Ivan would have no doubt tried to guilt him into giving them to him.

"I told him he couldn't make me do any of the shit he wanted me to do," Laxus continued after a moment. "He went insane at me. Said that I would do exactly what he said, and that everything I had in Athens was because of him, and he could take it away. I called his bluff, and he did. Threw me out with nothing but what I was wearing."

"Shit," Freed cussed, and Laxus laughed.

"Honestly, as shit as it was, I was glad. I didn't have much to begin with, and all he had to offer me was a place to live, so I didn't miss much. And I couldn't live with him anymore," Laxus sighed. "It was shit, for a while. Had to sleep on the streets, got mistaken for a drunk. But I eventually got some work, it was at a brothel as a guard, but landlord gave me a room in payment. And then I just grew into my own man from there."

"It sounds like it was a blessing in disguise then," Freed commented. "Your father kicking you out, I mean."

"Oh definitely," Laxus nodded. "Anyway, I'll actually get to why I'm on the train. So, yesterday I got a letter from Paris. I hadnt spoken to Gramps since I left, so it was weird. Turns out, Gramps is sick. Pretty badly, actually."

"I'm sorry," Freed said, and it sounded genuine.

"Thanks," Laxus nodded to himself again. "The letter was from the doctor, and it explained what's wrong with him. He probably won't die from it, but life ain't gonna be easy for him. His mobility is fucking ruined, he won't be able to get his own food and look after himself for much longer. It's pretty shit. And, I know we argued a lot, but I love the old fucker. And if he's going through hell, I'm not gonna let him do it alone. So that's why I need to get to Paris as soon as I can."

"That's an admirable stance to take," Freed commented, and Laxus chuckled.

"It would be if I hadnt basically spat in his face the last time I saw him," Laxus grinned a little; he wasn't sure why.

"I won't write about it," Freed said suddenly, and Laxus frowned. "I didn't know that it was so personal, if I'm honest. It would feel as though I'm taking advantage of you if I were to publish the intimate details of your life."

"No," Laxus said quickly. "I've gotta pay you back for your help somehow, I don't mind."

"Well, I suppose we can discuss it at some point," Freed concluded, before speaking again. "I'm glad you feel comfortable speaking to me like this."

"It's nice to have someone to talk to," Laxus admitted, flushing a little. "I've… I've been on my own for a while now. Even if the situation is pretty unusual, it's nice to have someone who I can talk to about this shit. I missed it."

"Well, at least for the rest of the week, I'll be here to listen."

"Thanks, Freed," Laxus smiled a little. "G'night."

"Goodnight, Laxus."

~~~

Day Six: Morning

Laxus woke with a start. There was a loud banging coming from the door to their cabin, clearly someone knocking who wasn't willing to be patient. Laxus' eyes shot open and he looked to Freed, who had just stood up from where he was sleeping. They looked at each other for a moment, not sure of what to do. Nobody had knocked on the door as of yet, why they were doing it now?

"Mr Justine, open this door at once," An authoritative voice demanded, and Freed winced.

"The conductor," He explained with a whisper. "Get in the washroom."

Laxus nodded and climbed down the small ladder of the bed, trying to make as little noise as possible. He closed the door to the washroom with a soft click and leant his ear against it in an attempt to listen to whatever was happening. He felt a ball of nerves form in him as Freed opened the door.

"I must say, I think this behaviour is completely unacceptable," Freed said sternly, and Laxus could hear footsteps. "This is my private quarters and you have no right to disrupt me in this manner."

"Well, Mr Justine, I have reason to believe you're harbouring a stowaway."

Laxus' eyes widened, and panic flooded through him. He rested his forehead against the wall as quietly as he could. This was it; he was fucked. It wasn't as if Freed could physically stop them from opening the door, not without being suspicious enough to show he was hiding something.

"Excuse me?" Freed said, acting shocked. "Why would you think that, exactly."

"One of our maids came to your room this morning to make sure any laundry was collected. When she entered your room, she saw that there was someone sleeping in the top bunk of the bed," The conductor snapped. "And by the looks of the sheets, she seems to be correct."

"I made it explicitly clear that my room was not to be entered without my direct permission," Freed almost shouted, now sounding genuinely angry.

"And now I can see why, Mr Justine," The conductor said replied with as much hostility. "I'm sure you're aware that smuggling someone into a train is a serious crime. More so when this train travels across multiple countries."

Laxus snapped. They were threatening Freed, and it wasn't right.

The blonde opened the door to the washroom. Both Freed and the conductor snapped their heads towards Laxus at the sound of the door opening. Freed looked at him like he was mad for revealing himself, as if Freed had been handling the situation. Despite the confidence that Freed portrayed, Laxus knew what was going to happen. They would find him, and either both of them would be punished, or just Laxus. One outcome would be better than the other.

"He didn't smuggle me in," Laxus said before anyone could speak. "I snuck on without him. He didn't know I was here until we left the station in Athens."

"And would you like to explain why he wouldn't inform us of a stowaway?" The conductor said with venom in his tone, face red. He clearly wasn't happy with the situation.

"Because you would have police waiting for him at the next train station," Freed said before Laxus could speak. "The punishment would greatly outweigh the crime, if it can even be considered that. I wouldn't accept that."

"Fucks sake Freed," Laxus whispered. "Saying that shit incriminates you."

"The stowaway's intelligent," The conductor muttered sarcastically. "And you're correct, the police will be called and waiting for your little friend when we arrive in the next station later today. I imagine they will want to talk to you as well, Mr Justine."

Laxus deflated; he wouldn't get to Paris now. He had no idea what damn country he was in, let alone the actual town or city they would end up in, so there was no chance of him finding a way to his grandfather. And that was being optimistic, it was more likely that he would be locked in the closest jail until he could work off the money he would owe. He was fucked.

"Now, the two of you can either follow me to my office for the rest of the day, or I can have my man take you through in handcuffs," The conductor continued. "What would you rather-"

"What if I paid?" Freed interrupted.

"Excuse me?" The conductor snapped his head towards Freed again.

"Your only legitimate legal complaint is that Laxus didn't pay to be here, correct," Freed said, voice stern and almost authoritative. Laxus looked at him with a frown. "If I were to pay for his ticket now, then you would have nothing to be concerned about, correct?"

"Well…"

"Legally speaking, the problem would be over. There is nothing stopping him from paying at a slightly later date," Freed continued, eyes determined. "And I know your boss. Personally, too, as it goes. It's how I was able to get a private cabin. He would rather have another paying customer than a controversy, so allowing me to pay now is the better option, no?"

Laxus frowned, not knowing if this would work. When he looked over to the conductor, he looked enraged, and Freed was smirking. Laxus then understood what was happening; the conductor wanted to have him kicked off the train – most likely to fuel some sort of ego – and Freed had quickly come up with an idea to stop that. And apparently the conductor was trying and failing to come up with a way to counter Freed.

"I should warn you, Mr Justine, that it won't be cheap," The conductor eventually said. "We have to make sure we are in profit, and we can't know for sure how much he has cost us since he boarded. So, the bill will consist of a full price ticket from our first stop to our last, it will include the costs of three meals a day, as well as making accommodations for any miscellaneous costs that may arise."

"Oh for heaven's sake," Freed complained. "You're clearly taking advantage of our situation to take more than you are owed."

"Much like he would have if we hadn't found him, no?" The conductor taunted, and Freed clenched his jaw.

"I don't have that much money in cash on me," Freed said quietly, anger flaring in him.

"Well, that is a shame," The conductor was smiling wide now. "So, if you'd like to follow me-"

"But I do have proposition," Freed said before the conductor finished. "I'm a writer, as you know, and I write under the pseudonym Albion Raijin. You've heard of that name, correct?"

Laxus' eyes widened a little at Freed's admission. The name was familiar, and when Laxus looked towards the closed book on the desk, and the name was printed onto it under the title. So Freed had written the books that Laxus was enjoying? That… made sense, actually. That would be why Freed wanted to know what he thought. It also explained why he had a copy of each book in the series with him; it would have been something to do with the press tour.

"Well, yes, of course I have," The conductor grunted. "But I hardly see how that matters."

"I have a book being published later this year. It's been predicted that it will sell well. My proposal is that a percentage of the profits made from this book for the first year will be sent towards your employer. Within a month Laxus' debt will be paid; by the end of the year it will be more than fulfilled."

"And how do I know you won't deny such a deal existed the moment you leave this train?" The conductor crossed his arms. "You've proven yourself not to be trustworthy, Mr Justine."

"There's a lawyer aboard, a Miss Heartfilia. She can write a contract that would enforce this deal, I'm sure," Freed said with certainty. He looked at the conductor, and then he sighed. "I'm sure she could also write a clause that would direct a further percentage directly into your wallet."

There was a moment of silence.

"Five percent," The conductor muttered.

"No," Freed stood firm. "The most you'll get is three."

Laxus looked at Freed in disbelief.

He was just giving away his money for Laxus' sake. The worst punishment Freed could get for 'harbouring' Laxus would be a fine, he was rich and could pay bail after all. The fine wouldn't be nearly as much as he was willing to give away just to keep Laxus on the train. It was… kind. So kind. It was perhaps more kindness than Laxus had been given in years. It felt unearned.

"Freed," Laxus muttered. "You don't need to do this."

"Quiet," Freed demanded. "Your grandfather is a good man, correct?"

"Yes," Laxus mumbled.

"Then you should be there for him," Freed said, before looking at the conductor again. "Do we have a deal?"

The conductor took a moment to think again. "I'll try to find Miss Heartfilia."

The portly man turned on his heel and left the room, not bothering to close the door behind him. Freed ended up closing it, and Laxus sat on the bottom bunk with his head in his hands. He deflated as relief flooded through him; both the anxiety of their conversation with the conductor and the underlying stress Laxus had felt since the moment he entered the train station in Athens leaving him. It was an odd feeling; he couldn't define it.

"You did not need to do that," Laxus said into his hands, looking up to Freed. "That's a fuck load of money you just gave away for a guy you don't know. That's really generous. You didn't… why did you do that?"

"Most of my family have disowned me, after they found out about my sexuality," Freed explained, sitting at the desk. "The only person who didn't was my uncle. He died, and I wasn't there to say goodbye to him. Thinking of it makes me ache, and if I can make sure it doesn't happen to you then I will."

"Well, thanks," Laxus didn't know what else to say. "So… You're the author, huh? You were pretty hard on him- well, yourself I guess. I didn't see you as the self-loathing kind."

"I'm not," Freed chuckled. "I just found it amusing you hadnt figured it out and wanted to play up to it."

"So you just did it to amuse yourself?" Laxus laughed when Freed nodded. "You are…. the oddest man I think I've met."

"I take that as a compliment," Freed smiled. "I assume you'll be looking forward to leaving the cabin and eating three meals a day again."

"You have no damn idea," Laxus groaned at the thought.

"Well, with how vastly we're overpaying for our time here, from this point on we will both live and eat like kings," Freed smirked, and Laxus copied the action. So this was how Freed was going to get this money back? Laxus could more than get on board with it.

"Looking forward to it," The blonde grinned.

~~~

Day Six: Evening.

"This actually doesn't fit me that badly," Laxus said as he looked at himself in the mirror.

He was wearing a suit that didn't belong to him fit with a waistcoat, pocket watch and tie. Freed had taken it from one of the suitcases stored in the luggage cart, giving it to Laxus so that he could be dressed correctly as they went to dinner.

When Laxus had asked why Freed had a suit of this size, he had explained that, while in Greece, he had collected a selection of clothing for his friend Bickslow. Bickslow was apparently a fashion-conscious man who knew of a designer who only sold his clothes in Greece and he had all but begged Freed to get him as many suits as his trunk could contain. He was also relatively similar in stature to Laxus, meaning that the blonde could wear these clothes without looking absurd. They were a little snug, but okay.

And Laxus was glad to be wearing something other than the ratty outfit he'd worn over the past few weeks.

"High class clothing rather suits you," Freed commented as he began to tie his hair. "You should consider investing in some suits of that type."

"If you've got a way for me to pay for it, then by all means," Laxus chuckled. After a moment of silence, he spoke again. "I'm a little anxious about going out there, if I'm honest."

"Why so?" Freed asked with a small frown.

"Everyone's gonna know who I am," Laxus sighed. "The stowaway bastard who got caught sneaking around. They're all gonna be fucking looking at me – judging me – and I don't know if I can handle it."

"Well, that is ridiculous," Freed said, almost sternly. "You have just as much right as anyone to be in that dining cart. If they disagree, to hell with their opinion. You're here with me, not them."

"I guess but…" Laxus sighed. "It's fucking embarrassing, okay. I'm a charity case in a train full of snobs."

"You are not a charity case, I can assure you of that," Freed said, voice firm and unwilling to accept any other interpretation of the situation. "And after dealing with these people for six days, I can also assure you that they are nothing. A mess of socialites, idiots with money, and inflated egos. Their opinions are redundant, as they don't have the intellectual capacity to understand anything that they haven't lived through. And for the few exceptions to those rules, they will undoubtedly find you charming."

"Do you find me charming?" Laxus asked. He didn't know why, exactly.

"Of course," Freed replied honestly. "You're different to most people I've met. They consider a minor tax increase as an afront to their human rights. You, on the other hand, are a real person with his feet firmly attached to the ground."

"You sound pissed off at the people you know," Laxus laughed, and Freed sighed.

"Some of them are tolerable. Others try to commission me to write a letter of complaint to the tax office because they lost a minuscule amount of their yearly earnings," Freed smirked a little. "He was not happy when I wrote perhaps the most sarcastic letter in history and then demanded my payment."

"Sounds like a good read," Laxus grinned.

"I've framed it and hung it above my fireplace. It's one of my most prized possessions," Freed grinned. "If you have time, I could perhaps show it to you when we get to Paris."

Laxus smiled a little at the invitation. He hadn't considered the possibility that he and Freed would remain in contact after they left the train, but if they were both going to be living in Paris then there was probably no reason as to why they couldn't. Even if it was something as little as a monthly trip to a café together, Laxus would probably enjoy it.

"Now," Freed continued, voice harsh. "Your anxiety about this is worthless. If any of those people do have a problem, they wouldn't dare say it in fear of making a scene. So as long as you don't allow yourself to be affected by it, it's not there."

"I guess that's true," Laxus nodded, though wasn't convinced.

"Of course it is," Freed nodded. "You ready?"

Laxus nodded, and Freed left the cabin with the blonde following him. It was weird to leave the cabin after being trapped inside of it for nearly six full days. It was almost therapeutic for the blonde to walk down the corridor of the sleeper cart, both in that it allowed him to see things that he wasn't already incredibly familiar with, as well as allowing him to properly stretch his legs. He hadnt realised how cooped up he had felt in the cabin. Though, the cabin was a lot more appealing when he didn't have a choice about leaving it.

Freed led him through the train and to the dining cart, which was partially filled with people. Laxus hadnt taken time to appreciate just how lavish the train was when he first entered it. The cart was decorated with gold ornaments, it had waiters pouring expensive wine, and had a general feeling of wealth.

When the two men entered, a fair amount of people looked towards them. The stowaway and the famous author; what other reaction could Laxus have hoped for?

Freed didn't seem affected by the gazes and glances they were receiving, instead walking through the rows of tables to one at the end of the cart. Freed sat at the table and motioned for Laxus to do the same with the chair opposite him. Laxus did so, wondering if Freed had purposefully made it so that Laxus had his back to the rest of the dining cart. If he did, Laxus was thankful of the action, because he did feel more comfortable without seeing people looking at him.

"Take your time with the menu," Freed said, tapping his cigar against the case before lighting it.

"You know what you're ordering?" Laxus asked, frowning a little.

"The menu is the same every night, I've become quite familiar with it," Freed explained, beckoning a waiter over. The waiter filled both of their glasses with red wine.

Laxus quickly looked over the menu, to see a number of luxury dishes for him to try. His stomach growled at the prospect of eating any of them; a small part of Laxus wondered if he would have had time to try all of them if he had been found out earlier in the week. He didn't say that, of course, as Freed was being kind enough to pay for all of this out of his own pocket. Complaining about not getting enough luxury food would just be too far.

"Is it nice to be outside of the room?" Freed asked when Laxus placed the menu down, having made his choice.

"It's great," Laxus smiled a little, taking a sip of the wine. It didn't taste that different from the crap wine that he served to drunks in Athens. "I think if I had to stay in there any longer I might have gone a little stir crazy."

"Really, I thought a man of your size would have loved being trapped in a relatively small space," Freed chuckled, placing the cigar on an ashtray and taking a sip of the wine. "And I'm sure you would have managed if you had to. You survived off half of a breakfast for your entire daily intake; you're clearly quite a resilient man."

"Thanks," Laxus ducked his head a little. "But it was more than half of the breakfast. Thanks for that, by the way. Especially when I was acting like a tool, you didn't need to do it."

Freed paused, looking at Laxus inquisitively. "You have issues with taking compliments, don't you Laxus?"

Laxus paused for a moment, taken aback by his observation. One of the many waiters approached them before Laxus could reply to what Freed said, and the author gave his order without blinking: a beef wellington with a side of fried potatoes, gravy, and mixed vegetables. Slightly blindsided, Laxus ordered as well: a steak with a cheese sauce, garlic mushrooms and mashed potatoes. The waiter left a moment later, promising that their food would be out soon. The fact he would be eating something other than breakfast food made Laxus' stomach growl again.

As they waited for their food to arrive, they spoke almost constantly. Freed was apparently a natural conversationalist and managed to make Laxus feel comfortable in a situation that was completely foreign to him.

The wine might have helped with that.

When their food did come, it looked incredible. The portions were larger than Laxus had expected, and it looked cooked to perfection. Laxus shouldn't have expected anything else, and he picked up his fork immediately to start eating. As he brought a forkful of steak to his lips, he glanced towards Freed, who was looking at him with a smile.

"Should I have waited?" Laxus asked, eyebrows furrowing.

"No," Freed shook his head slightly, cutting up his beef wellington. "It's just interesting to see you outside the confines of the cabin. And to see you smiling; I didn't want to say anything, but the stress of the situation was showing. It's nice to see you a little relaxed."

"Well, it's thanks to you. I really am grateful for what you did earlier," Laxus smiled, a little guilty.

"You've said. And you really don't need to thank me so often. If I hadn't acted I would have been a hypocrite and I refuse to let that happen," Freed smiled. "So, I propose that we toast the situation, and then speak no more of it."

"I guess," Laxus nodded, raising his wine glass. Freed did the same and clinked it against Laxus'.

After that, conversation began again. It was loose and easy, the two joking with each other. Freed did most of the talking, as Laxus was focusing mainly on the food before him. His stomach was more than grateful for having a real meal, and he was going to enjoy every damn bite of it. Freed seemed to notice this, and had a waiter bring an extra portion of potatoes and mushrooms. Laxus would have argued, but his stomach wouldn't allow it.

By the time dessert was served – a small chocolate pudding alongside a bowl of apple pie and custard – Laxus had almost entirely forgotten about his previous misgivings and anxieties about entering the dining room. If people did look at him, he was no longer bothered by it.

Again, the bottle of wine they shared between them might have helped with that.

They ate and drank deep into the evening, and by the time their meal was completed the sun had set and the train was illuminated by candlelight. It was atmospheric, and rather nice to look at. A fleeting thought said that it was almost romantic, but Laxus dismissed it immediately. Before he could dwell on it, Freed suggested they retire for the night and return to their cabin. Laxus agreed.

The walk back down the train was a little hazy, again due to the wine. The fact the train's cabins were almost identical didn't help either.

"Hey Freed," Laxus said, voice a little bedraggled as Freed opened the door to their cabin.

"Yes?"

"So, being… gay isn't just fucking guy's right? It's romance and kissing too?"

"It depends on the person," Freed explained, frowning a little at the sudden question. "For some people, romance is a big part of it. Other people are too afraid of being found out, and only act on their base desires rather than romantic. But yes, for me it's more than just sex."

Laxus thought for a moment, watching as Freed closed the door.

The second it was closed, Laxus pushed Freed up against it and started to kiss him.

It was an unfamiliar feeling – the women Laxus had kissed in the past had softer lips – and the feeling of Freed against his was unusual but not bad. Instead, it was actually better than his experience with women. When he kissed back, Freed had a little more bite to his actions, was less passive than the women Laxus seemed to attract, and Laxus found himself liking that a lot more than he thought he would. It was good.

After a few seconds, Laxus felt Freed's hands on his chest, pushing him away slightly. When they pulled apart, Freed had an almost concerned expression on his face.

"What are you doing?" Freed whispered, both confused and worried.

"I need to see something," Laxus murmured, voice unsure. "Just, I need to- let me do this."

He kissed Freed again, and Freed kissed him back.

~~~

Day Seven: Morning

When Laxus woke, it was with Freed in his arms.

A momentary flood of panic filled him, and the memories of what he and Freed had done came to him. He had gotten a little drunk over dinner, and Laxus had started to see Freed in a different light that was less than platonic. When they returned to their cabin, Laxus had felt weirdly confident in his confused feelings and had pushed Freed against the door and kissed him before the confidence could leave him.

Kissed him. Nothing more.

They had moved their kissing to the lower bed, and Laxus had a vague memory of running his hands over the man's body. It had been strong, powerful, almost intimidating but equally inviting. It was different to what Laxus was used to in a lover; perhaps better. But other than slight groping, nothing more happened. Freed had stopped him, claiming Laxus wasn't thinking straight, and the blonde had fallen asleep before he could protest.

Laxus was really fucking thankful for him doing that. Because, as he looked at the man sleeping in his arms, it felt as if the ball of nerves that had been slowly building inside of him had burst. Panic started to fill him.

He and Freed had kissed.

A lot.

Laxus had wanted to take the man to bed for god's sake! He wanted to have sex with a man!

His breathing started to get shorter and shorter, eyes widening at he looked down at Freed again. The man who he nearly had sex with. Panic flooding him, he removed himself from Freed's bunk as quickly as he could. He probably could have been more careful, but as he paced around the cabin with a level of fear rushing across him, whether Freed was awake or not was the last thing on his mind.

He ran his hand through his hair, walking towards the washroom. He filled a bowl with cold water and dunked his head into it, the shock of the temperature change momentarily freezing him. His panic lessoned a little, but not enough to calm him down.

"Laxus," Freed's tries voice said, but the blonde ignored him. "Laxus, look at me."

When Laxus payed no mind to the man, Freed walked to him, took his head between his hands and forced eye contact with him. Despite the fact that Freed was essentially the reason for this panic attack, it was weirdly calming to see his face. His breathing calmed slightly, and Freed gave him a soft smile.

"Take your time," Freed continued, voice calming. "When you're ready, I want you to lie down and close your eyes. It'll calm you down."

Laxus allowed Freed to guide him to the bed, laid down and closed his eyes. As Freed had said, it was a weirdly effective remedy for his panic attack. The slight juddering of the train moving was therapeutic, along with the pseudo-silence of the passing sounds of nature coming from the open window of their cabin. Still making an effort to keep his breathing steady, Laxus felt the brunt of his anxiety fade away. He was still thinking about what had happened and had no idea what was going to happen going forward, but he was at least not on the brink of having a breakdown.

When he opened his eyes, he saw that Freed had turned the desk chair around and was looking at him with an expression that was either regretful of pitying; perhaps a mixture of both. He offered Laxus a glass of water, which he took.

"If it makes you feel better," Freed began, voice calm and soothing. "I promise what happened will remain between the two of us. Nobody will know, and you can work on forgetting it."

The promise should have been more comforting than it was. Because, knowing Freed, he would make sure that nobody knew, and it would end up being something Laxus would only have to push to the back of his mind. And yet, the feeling left a dull sensation in his stomach. Something akin to disappointment…

He had enjoyed kissing Freed. And he had wanted to take it further.

Where that thought had scared him before, it now left him confused.

"I don't want to forget it," Laxus said, sitting up. "At least, I think I don't. I don't really know what I'm feeling about it."

"Well, as someone who has been in that situation, I might be able to help," Freed offered, and Laxus let out a small, tentative nod. "I can imagine that was at least your first time doing such a thing with another man. Have you ever considered the fact you might have an interest in men before, or is this the first time?"

"No," Laxus shook his head. "It's all new. I'm kinda scared, honestly."

"That's okay, it's natural," Freed said, patting Laxus' hand. "I don't know if this will help, but there is categorically nothing wrong with being gay. The people who say otherwise are incorrect, bigoted and simply cruel."

Laxus wished that helped more than it did.

"Furthermore, the concept of being attracted to men is not as… binary as you might think," Freed patted his hand. "For example, just because you might want to kiss a man, it doesn't mean you don't want to kiss women as well. It is different for every person, to some extent. It might take some time to discover who exactly you are, and that's okay."

"Thanks," Laxus murmured, nodding a little. That was comforting, actually. "How did you do that?"

"Experimentation, predominantly," Freed explained. "I tried to engage in romances and sexual encounters with women, and with men when I could. I could be platonically close to women, but not romantically nor sexually. But with these men, it was different. It felt better; both exhilarating and comfortable."

"Right…" Laxus nodded.

Experimenting, as Freed had called it, seemed like the right thing to do. But it wasn't as if Laxus knew how to find these men. He knew that, if you looked in the right places, there would be a tavern where you could find a man to take to bed. But, if he was honest, Laxus wanted to date. To marry, at some point.

Admittedly, doing that with a man would be difficult, but the point was that he wanted a life partner. He was a romantic traditionalist; ironic given the situation he found himself in.

Freed looked at him with a concerned expression. "I have a suggestion."

"Go ahead," Laxus mumbled.

"Well, you only kissed me last night after I told you that men could be romantic together as well as sexual. So you seem to want to date someone. And you have some kind of attraction to me, and I to you," Freed explained slowly. "So what if, for the rest of the time we're here, we act as a couple. When we go to dinner tonight we class it as a date rather than simply a meal between friends, we can kiss at the end of the night if you wish, and perhaps even share the bed again if you feel comfortable. And then tomorrow, when we leave the train, we can discuss how you're feeling. If you wish to forget it, we can. If you wish to break contact with me and not speak again, we can. But if you wish to continue something romantic between us, we can do that too."

Laxus thought for a moment. "Are you sure you wanna do that? I mean…"

A lot of reasons as to why Freed wouldn't want to do that came to mind. For one, it would almost feel as if he were leading Freed on if he decided men weren't where his interests lay. And even if they were, would Freed want to be with someone going through something this big? Hell, would Freed want to be with someone so under his station? Freed was a gentleman and a scholar – literally so – whereas Laxus was a homeless criminal.

"Laxus, I've been where you are and I know how hard it can be," Freed smiled. "And, I'm attracted to you. You're a handsome man, with a brilliant personality and, honestly, you're a good kisser."

Laxus laughed. "You really think so? Nobody ever said that before."

"Well, the women you have kissed clearly don't appreciate a good man when presented with one," Freed said firmly.

"I'm a good man, huh?" Laxus said with a small frown.

"I'd be proud to have you on my arm," Freed said, unblinking.

It was a minor compliment, but it made Laxus feel… giddy. Laxus couldn't remember the last time he had been given a compliment like that, not one by someone who didn't have some kind of ulterior motive at least. It was almost pathetic how wide his smile was at the small phrase, and the blush on his cheeks didn't help.

"Well," Laxus said, smiling a little nervously. "Tonight I will be."

~~~

Day Seven: Evening

Sitting at the bar with Freed was a really good feeling, actually. Laxus had initially been a bit nervous, not entirely sure what a 'date' would be like with Freed – he wasn't comfortable kissing Freed in front of people, and he didn't know if Freed would want to do that – but he was actually enjoying it. Freed was respectful, and although there wasn't a particularly big difference in how they were acting around each other, it did have a different feeling. A little more charged.

Freed was more happy to give compliments and did so openly. Mainly they were about his personality, but there was a few on his looks. He said them confidentially, and Laxus had been a little concerned the first few times, but nobody seemed to care. Laxus wondered if Freed had perfected what personal compliments he could say before they were found out.

Honestly, despite how utterly stupid it was to think this way, Laxus kind of liked the risk.

He didn't know what would happen if they were caught and refused to let it happen. He was honestly terrified by the idea of someone other than Freed knowing about his potential feeling for men.

But, some small and twisted part of him was excited. They had a secret, and they were kind of flaunting it.

"You know, I was thinking actually," Freed spoke with a glass of gin in his hand. "It's sort of ironic that I agreed to help you because I wanted an interesting story to write about, and I'm considering actually writing about our time on the train."

"Really?" Laxus frowned.

"I think it would make for a good story," Freed shrugged. "I'd of course have to make some changes, add more suspense to everything. Other alterations to make it more marketable."

The emphasis on the word marketable made Laxus relax. From what he knew about Freed's publisher, he wouldn't consider two men dating in any way marketable, so Freed was probably trying to suggest that the romantic part of their journey wouldn't be involved in Freed's writing. That was good because, despite it being almost impossible to tie Freed's writing to Laxus, he didn't want to tempt fate in them being found out.

"Well, I mean I ain't a writer, but if you need any help from me then just ask," Laxus offered, and Freed smiled.

"I might just do that," He said as he emptied the rest of his drink. "It's a little warm in here. There's a small outdoor area where we boarded, it acts like a balcony in transit. Would you like to go there before we retire for the night?"

"Sounds fine," Laxus nodded.

The two men walked through the drinking carriage and to the door at the end, where they entered a small metal platform at the rear of the vehicle. The night sky was cloudless, and stars shone brightly, illuminating the tracks. The wind was a little choppy, and after Laxus closed the door, Laxus understood why Freed had taken him out here.

The wind would block out any conversation to anyone trying to listen in on them, making it perhaps the most private part on the train. Freed leant on the metal railing, the wind flowing through his hair as he looked to Laxus.

"So," He began. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," Laxus nodded a little, joining Freed while resting on the railing. "The meal was good, and the drinks are pretty nice. And you know that I like being around you-"

"I more meant how you are doing in general," Freed corrected, smiling softly. "It can't be overstated how stressful a situation this can be for a person. You seem to be taking it well, and I just wondered if you're actually okay or just internalising it."

"It's messing me up, honestly," Laxus sighed. He hadnt wanted to admit it to Freed; it was rude to interrupt a date with his own problems. "I don't really know what I'm feeling. It's kinda like I'm numb. I feel like I should be really freaked out by all of this, but I'm not. But I am panicked, just not as much as I should be. I was more panicked about getting caught by the police in the train station even though this is kinda worse so…"

"That seems good, I think," Freed said, comfortingly. "You've always seemed rather pragmatic about yourself. Perhaps you've realised that this is part of who you are, and you've accepted it on some level."

"Maybe I have," Laxus shrugged. "Or maybe I'm just taking it as it comes. Acting on instinct, it's what I've always done."

"It seems to have worked for you so far," Freed grinned a little. "So, as I interrupted you before, how do you think this date is going?"

"I'm really enjoying it actually," Laxus admitted, a little flushed as he spoke. In his past relationships, his opinions of things weren't overly considered. "It's a little weird knowing you're another man, but honestly, it's been fun. You're a good guy to go on a date with."

"I try my best," Freed laughed.

"Well, you're good at it," Laxus muttered. "You enjoying it? I kinda think this is more about me than you, feel a little guilty."

"Well you shouldn't. You're going through a lot. Besides, I'm enjoying myself. You're good company," He grin took a small wicked glint. "And you really shouldn't feel guilty. Because right now, those trousers are shaping around your arse to perfection and I am more than making the best of it."

"Shut up," Laxus muttered, flushing red. Nobody had ever given him a compliment like that before!

"Oh don't get coy now, Laxus," Freed chuckled. "I know a man who does squats when I see one. You've cultivated your arse to look like that, at least let me enjoy it."

Laxus laughed a bit, unable to meet Freed's eyes. He was unashamedly complimenting him on his body, something that had never happened with any of his relationships with women. Honestly, as weirdly pathetic as this felt, Laxus enjoyed having this amount of attention on him. While he was blushing, he did allow a smile to grace his features.

"Well, you ain't bad looking either," Laxus mumbled. "At least to me, but I'm no expert on what makes a man look good."

"You've managed to make yourself look incredibly handsome, don't be so hard on yourself," Freed chuckled.

Laxus couldn't say anything, out of fear that he would stutter and make a fool of himself. Freed simply let out a small and teasing laugh, which Laxus didn't mind; over the last week Freed had proven himself to be non-judgmental on the important things. They stayed out for a little while longer before the chill got too cold to take, and they both agreed that it would be best to return to their cabin for the night. It was getting late, after all.

As they did, Laxus did something he wasn't particularly proud of. Freed was walking in front of him, and Laxus allowed his eyes to stray down to the writer's ass. It was weird, and Laxus felt his stomach flip a little. He knew what the feeling was. He was turned on by the man and was confident about it. He didn't say anything until they reached the door and Freed unlocked the cabin.

"Don't stop me this time," Laxus whispered into his ear before they entered the room. "Because I know I want this."

~~~

Day Seven: Night (N S F W)

Kissing Freed was amazing, Laxus had concluded.

He was rough and strong with his movements, almost as if he saw the kiss as a challenge. His hands were resting deep in his blonde hair, tugging at it occasionally and making Laxus groan at the feeling. Whenever he had kissed someone before it had felt like he was doing all the work, but right now he was feeling great. There was so much more going on than in his past kisses; so much more to feel and enjoy.

Freed dragged him to the bottom bunk of the bed. Freed sat, and Laxus lowered himself to maintain the kiss. Again on instinct, Laxus found his hands roaming the other man's body, and it ignited a fire. There was so much power in him, so much strength.

God it was hot.

Freed didn't stop him this time, instead his hands started to roam over Laxus' body. He pulled the dinner jacket off Laxus, throwing it to the floor, and the act of having a piece of his outfit being taken off him sent a thrill down Laxus. It was happening, he was going to fuck another man, and the idea of it was exhilarating. His dick strained in his trousers.

Laxus was just as eager, pulling off Freed's jacket with less elegance than Freed had. He quickly unbuttoned the man's waistcoat, and that was thrown to the floor as well. Freed pulled his lips away from Laxus, looked at him for a moment, then grinned.

He had been checking if Laxus was truly into this. He definitely was.

Freed's lips were suddenly on his neck, and an unfamiliar sensation of sucking and nibbling sensation overtook the blonde. The skin on his neck was more sensitive that he thought it could be, and the feeling of Freed almost attacking it with his tongue and teeth was incredible. This was all so fucking overwhelming in the best damn way.

"Shit," Laxus let out a whine.

"Laxus," Freed whispered, pulling his lips away from his neck. "You know idea how much I would love to hear your moans and watch you lose control, but I need you to be quiet. We'll get caught otherwise."

"Yeah, of course. Sorry," Laxus whispered.

"If it helps, I could gag you with one of my ties," Freed teased, and the threat sent a pulse of intense arousal straight to Laxus' dick.

He had never been with a lover like this before. One who had a little bite to them, who could challenge Laxus and make him feel good. This wasn't going to be just him pleasuring another person, it was going to be the two of them making each other feel good. And Laxus was so fucking ready to make himself and Freed feel good.

With slightly stumbling hands, he worked on undoing the buttons to Freed's shirt and pulled it off. The expanse of strong muscle was so fucking hot to Laxus in a way the blonde didn't understand, and Laxus felt overcome by instincts.

He moved them both fully onto the bed. Freed was lying face up, Laxus was over him on all fours.

Laxus ripped open his shirt and tossed it to the side before kissing him again, their strong bodies pushed against each other. The feeling of Freed's abs and pecs rubbing against his own body was almost orgasmic, and the blonde relished every moment of it. How he was so turned on by something so unfamiliar with was beyond Laxus, but he didn't care. He was following his instincts on this, and they were screaming at him to ravish this man.

With slightly unsure movements, he began to grope the other man over his trousers. The feeling of another man's hard cock against his hand was unusual, but the fact it quivered in his hand spurred Laxus on. He was making Freed feel good, and Laxus loved that.

His eyes shot open a moment later when he felt hands on his own tenting crotch. Freed was taking his trousers off for him; a feeling so incredible that Laxus felt a small trickle of pre-cum leak from the tip of his dick.

God he wanted this so much.

After Freed had pushed the blonde' trousers down as far as possible, Laxus kicked them off to the floor. Now only in his briefs, he started to work on Freed's belt and pulling his own trousers downs. Laxus didn't have the same level of subtlety – nor patience – that Freed had, taking the man's briefs down with his trousers.

Laxus looked at the naked man before him. He was sweating, his strong muscles flexing, dick straining hard. He was looking at Laxus with a small smirk, clearly knowing how much Laxus was enjoying this.

Fuck: looking at Freed like this confirmed one thing. He definitely wanted to fuck this man.

Laxus was kissing him a moment later, his underwear-clad cock rubbing against Freed's. The feeling was unusual and incredible, and Laxus was running more and more out of patience. He pulled away from Freed, cheeks red as he looked deep into his eyes. God, this was a form of intimacy that he had never felt with another person, and he was loving it.

"Can I- I mean do you mind if I-," Laxus didn't know how to phrase it.

He gestures to the hard dick in his briefs, and Freed smirked. He reached down and slid the man's briefs down his legs again, tossing them to the ground and giving a single, hard tug. Laxus grinded his teeth together so he didn't moan loud enough to be heard.

"There's some lotion in my suitcase," Freed whispered. "Give it to me."

Laxus reached over to Freed's suitcase, climbing off the man. His pupils dilated as he got a better look at the man he had just been on top of. He looked fucking incredible, with his stomach expanding slightly with every breath and showing off his gorgeous abs. His chest was perfectly defined, his thighs shockingly strong looking, his dick hard and long with two equally large balls below it. The sight of another man naked was so unusual to Laxus, but fuck did he love it.

He found the lotion and handed it to Freed, who emptied a large amount of it into his hand. Laxus watched with wide eyes as Freed brought his hand to Laxus' dick, slowly stroking it and lathering it with the lotion. His movements were purposeful and drove Laxus wild.

He was pushing his forehead against the top bunk, trying desperately not to moan.

"I can finish you off like this," Freed whispered, voice a little ragged. "But if you want, we can go further. I assume you know how men would fuck."

Laxus nodded and climbed atop Freed with a grin. He had gone this far and knew that if Freed did finish him with his hands, it would be the best orgasm he had had in years. But Laxus wanted to make Freed feel as good as he was feeling, and if buggering him was the way to do it then Laxus would gladly do so.

Freed turned himself over so that he was face down in the bed, and Laxus was presented with the fucking faultless sight of Freed's strong back and firm, round ass. It was incredibly enticing.

"Before you start, I need something to cum into," Freed whispered, and Laxus frowned. "Unless you want explain stains to the maid."

Laxus nodded, looking around for something in arms reach. He saw that his own briefs were close, and the idea of Freed jizzing into his underwear filled Laxus with an almost animalistic lust. He wanted to see that happen, wanted to be the one responsible for that happening, and picked up his briefs to hand to Freed before he could stop himself. The other man took them and slowly began to pump his dick with them on his hand.

"Start slowly," Freed instructed. "But once you get a rhythm, the speed is up to you. I can take it."

Laxus nodded, looking at his lotion covered dick. Taking a breath to ready himself, he placed his dick in front of Freed's ass and slowly pushed inside.

It was orgasmic.

The tightness of the man around him was indescribable, and was the most overwhelming, intense feeling the blonde had ever gone though. The further he pushed in, the better if felt, and the slight moan from Freed – who had been restrained up until this point – made everything so much better. This was so good.

He slowly started to move his hips back and forth, getting used to the feeling. It was insanely erotic, intense to a degree Laxus had never felt before. His nerves were on fire, and his mind went numb. It was brilliant.

Lowering his body to get closer to Freed, he started to get into a rhythm with his thrusts. He got faster, gyrating his hips carefully. Freed was pumping his own dick with Laxus' briefs, and the feeling of Freed jutting against him was incredible. It was so good, so much better than he had ever felt.

He was getting faster and faster, the intensity of the brilliance of the situation spurring him on.

The orgasm was already threatening to overtake him, but he wanted to hold on. Freed had been so good to him, so kind, and he was so fucking sexy like this. Laxus wanted to make this as good as he could for the man, and his hips started to thrust with great speed. When he looked down to Freed, the man looked at him with a grin, a tiny moan leaving his lips.

Both turning their heads, Freed pulled Laxus into a kiss. Laxus' thrusts still got faster, and Freed pushed against it while he wanked himself off.

Suddenly, Freed moaned into their kiss, eyes widening. Laxus knew what was happening.

Before he could come to terms with the fact he had brought Freed to orgasm – the fact he was spilling his seed in Laxus' briefs was a sickly incredible feeling – Freed seemed to clench his entire body. The feeling of increased tightness around his dick finally sent Laxus over the edge, and the orgasm filled all his senses.

It was like the world itself had been rocked. It was incredible.

Laxus had never felt so good, so turned on, so satisfied. It only lasted a few moments, but it was fucking insane.

Exhaustion suddenly overtook him, and Laxus felt himself collapse on the man. Freed brought Laxus' briefs to his own ass, helping Laxus remove his dick without spilling any of their cum on the bed. They shifted slightly in their positions, and Freed tossed the cum stained underwear into his open suitcase, so they were out of the way, but not able to stain anything in the cabin itself.

As they lay in the same bunk, Laxus couldn't say he was sure if he was attracted to all men.

But he sure as hell knew he was attracted to Freed. And if he got his way, that wouldn't be the last time they fucked. Because they were doing that again!

~~~

Day Eight: Morning

Getting off the train was weird. Laxus was confronted with the cold air of Paris in the wintertime, the brisk chill of a wind going through his hair as he walked through the train station, and his legs slightly unstable on unmoving ground.

He stood beside Freed, holding one of the man's two suitcases as they walked side by side; Freed had said that he didn't need to carry his luggage, but Laxus insisted that it was the absolute least he could do. Freed went to argue, but Laxus pointed out that Freed had even given him one of Bickslow's suits to keep and that doing something as small as lifting his bags was nothing in comparison to that. Freed hadnt been able to argue after that.

"So," Freed said as they left the train station. "What are your plans now?"

"Well, I sent gramps a letter the day I left, so hopefully it got to him by now," Laxus shrugged. "So go to his flat, see how I can help out. Then try and get a job, see what happens from there."

"So you'll live with your grandfather then?"

"It's the only place I've got," Laxus shrugged. "It ain't exactly the biggest flat in the world, only got one bedroom which he gave to me as a kid. Obviously he's gonna need to keep that, so I guess I'll be on the sofa. But I can deal with that."

Freed hummed contemplatively. As the writer thought, Laxus looked around Paris again. It looked different form the last time he had been there; with more decorations on the streets and a general feeling of luxury living. He doubted that the part of Paris he lived in would be as nice as this – it had never been an affluent area – but it was better than he remembered. And weirdly, it almost felt as if he was coming home.

He vaguely remembered where he was going, and Freed seemed to be going in the same direction as him. They walked the cobbled streets side by side, walking past cafés and eateries, watching painters beside the river. It felt like a postcard version of France.

"Where does he live?" Freed asked.

"Erm, the building's called Rosemary Court," Laxus frowned a little as he tried to remember his grandfather's address. "It's in Square de la Couronne."

"I know it well, actually. I have an apartment in Boulevard Gambetta. It's about half an hour's walk away from your grandfather's house," Freed commented. "We could meet up sometime, if you'd like."

"Sound's nice," Laxus looked to him, smiling a little. "In… the same way we did last night, right?"

"I'd like that," Freed smiled, and a warm feeling flooded through Laxus. "You know, I do actually have a spare bedroom, if you ever need a night away from your grandfather, or wish to sleep in an actual bed, I'm more than willing to accommodate you for the night."

"I might take you up on that," Laxus said with a smile.

When he thought about that, a sudden rush of confidence flooded through him. At the start of the week, he and Freed hadn't known one another and Laxus hadnt considered the possibility he might be attracted to a man. And now, he was in some kind of relationship with him. And that was a fact that Laxus loved. Because he really cared for Freed, despite how they had only known each other for a short time.

While they were on the train, Freed had always been making accommodations for him. He helped him stay safe in the cabin and walked him through the realisation he wasn't as straight as he first thought. But now Laxus knew what he needed to: he was attracted to Freed and enjoyed his company. And now he wasn't trapped with him, their relationship had changed slightly.

And now it was Laxus' time to pull his own weight.

"But, you know, if I were to come to yours then I wouldn't wanna put you to any trouble," Laxus shrugged. "I imagine making up a whole other bed would be a lot of effort."

Freed raised an eyebrow, a little taken aback by the sudden confidence from the blonde.

"It would be quite troubling to do that," Freed agreed with a small smirk. "Perhaps we could find a way where only one bed would be used."

"Maybe we could," Laxus said with a small smirk. That was the first time he had flirted with a man, and he enjoyed it. He also enjoyed the fact Freed had flirted back; he was almost like a verbal sparring partner. That was good. "But, it could take some time. We should dedicate some time to, y'know, thrash everything out."

"I was counting on it," Freed smirked, having picked on the double entendre. "A full night at least, no doubt."

"Maybe a couple days," Laxus shrugged, grinning.

They looked towards each other, both with grins on their faces. They continued to walk side by side further into Paris, and Laxus felt a chill run down his spine when their knuckles grazed one another. He couldn't believe that this was how his life was progressing.

He couldn't believe how much he liked it. Because, even though he knew his life would be harder from now on, he didn't care. Because he felt whole in a way he hadnt before. Maybe it was being back in Paris where he felt he belonged, maybe it was because he had come to terms with something he had never considered before, and maybe it was because he had a romantic partner that thrilled him like nobody else had.

But one thing was certain. Despite everything that had happened, this had been a good week. Perhaps the best week he'd had in years, and Laxus was cautiously optimistic as to what the rest of his life held.

The rest of his life in Paris. With Freed as both his friend and perhaps his lover.

[zach-the-fox]

Furiends Episode 10: Birth of Heroes

The glass doors slide open, allowing a dog to enter the hospital lobby, female in body build. She looks to be mostly German shepherd, wearing glasses, a pink t-shirt, black loose jacket, and light blue skinny jeans. She holds flowers in her paws as she walks up to the reception desk. “Hello,” she begins. “I’m here to see Lorrie the Dog. I’m her daughter, Avelina.” The receptionist directs the dog where to go down. “Um, thanks…” The dog turns and heads down the hallway as instructed. Upon many turns and twists, she enters the room and approaches the older dog in bed, wrapped in bandages. “Hi, Mom.”

The older dog looks up at the younger. “Avie… I am so glad to see you… Is Sally here, too?”

“No, she isn’t… That’s why I’ve come to tell you; Sally’s been run out of town, along with her friends… Everyone thinks they were the ones who committed the attacks.”

“W-what?” Her mother picks her head up. “Where is she…? Where is Sally…?”

“I’m not sure… I tried calling her, but I haven’t been able to reach her… God, I hope she’s okay… I’m going to try and find her…”

“Be careful, Avie,” she tells her. “I don’t want you to end up like her…”

“I won’t, Mom.” Avie places the flowers on the end table beside her before giving her a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be fine. Hope you feel better.” She then leaves the room and traces her path back to the lobby. The dog approaches the door, when she’s stopped by the four animals in the way.

“Good day, Ma’am,” Jay tells her. “How are we doing?”

“Team Rescuers?” Avie asks. “I’m sorry, I don’t have time. I need to-”

“I’m afraid you’re not going anywhere,” spurts Cindy, putting her hoof on the dog’s chest to prevent her from moving.

“W-why? What’s going on? Is this news about my sister? Do you know where she is?”

“Eh, not quite. But, we were hoping maybe you could tell us some things about her so we can help locate her.”

“You don’t plan to arrest her, do you? She and her friends didn’t start that house fire… She and her friends never attacked the town… They never would do that…”

“We just want you to answer questions,” Kenji says. “We need you to stay and answer them for us.”

“I’m sorry,” Avie tells them. “I really don’t have time to squabble and-”

“You are not authorized to leave,” Jay orders. “You will stay here and do as we command. Otherwise, we will-”

“Hey, Jay,” Miffy interrupts. “Why are you on T.V.?” The wolf stops and looks at the flatscreen television in the lobby, as does the dog. His eyelids pull back as wide as they can be while watching himself talk to the hooded figure on the screen. His conversation continues to carry on with the cloaked being as they explain their plan for the hospital and about setting up the friends. “What?!” Everyone in the lobby stands and watches with shock; their eyes wide-opened like the wolf before turning to him.

Avie turns to him. “You liar!”  She backs away. “You set my sister and her friends up!”

“Listen here,” Jay utters. “That all isn’t true!”

“Oh, it’s all true!” yells a voice. Everyone turns and traces the voice to Sally, who remains in her purple costume. She stands at the entrance to one of the corridors with her paws on her hips. “They lied about it all; the attacks on the town and the fire to my house and their base. It was all a setup to make us look bad because we were friends with a “flawed fox”.”

Avie looks at her with bewilderment. “Sally?!”

“Team Rescuers are nothing but frauds and deceivers!” calls Zach from the archway of another corridor, donning his superhero costume. Emmy is by his side, in her hero outfit as well. “They, along with the headmaster of the orphanage, were going to attack the hospital and blame the whole thing on us.”

Jay takes a step forward, clenching his paws with aggression. “Flawed Fox! You didn’t think ahead with that, though!”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Wolf,” Emmy shouts. She and Zach turn to the dog, who steps aside, showing Navy and Eren on either side of the headmaster, who is tied tightly in ropes.

“We were able to stop your terroristic plan before you could carry it out,” Sally utters. “You’re not going to get away with it anymore. It’s time to pay the price!”

A rush of energy swishes by and stops behind the four animals, revealing to be Niji, who has his arms crossed. “Yeah! Your days of hero fraud are over.”

“What would you all know about being heroes?” Cindy cries. “You don’t have what it takes to be courageous and cunning!”

“We are better than you, though!” shouts Emmy. “We don’t go after harmless civilians and blame a group of unfortunate animals! You lot are too unethical to be called heroes!”

“I’ve had enough of this!” Jay sharpens his claws. The friends ready themselves, equipping their weapons and getting into fighting stances. Niji transforms into his werewolf form. “You will never beat us!”

“We shall determine that!” Sally retaliates. Jay immediately goes for Zach, but the fox blocks his attacks with his metal staff. Emmy pushes the wolf away and joins Zach, but soon Jay is aided by the monkey. Cindy and Miffy go after the dog and bird. The three intertwine in engagement with fists, leaving Eren to struggle with keeping the headmaster contained. Niji helps guide the spectators of the lobby out for safety before joining in the battle. The room stirs into chaos as the battle endures. Chairs are thrown and tossed around, walls are scratched with animal claws, the sounds of clinging metal and shouting deafens other noises such as a phone ring. The animals try to gain the upper hand on each other. Zach whacks the wolf away with his staff.

Jay growls. “I am impressed, Fox. But whacking me away will not do you any good!”

“There’s more where that came from, Jacob!” Zach responds. The wolf charges toward him, but Zach remains still. As Jay is three feet before him, the fox swings his staff at him, knocking the wolf into a snack vending machine. Jay is quick to stand and charge toward the fox again. He is no match with Zach as he uses his mind to predict when the wolf will strike. Zach jumps into the air, then comes back down with his weapon against Jay’s head, knocking him down to the floor. The fox stands by his face and looks upon him. “You didn’t account for my new abilities.” He turns to see Emmy struggling with Kenji as he sways his tail at her. Zach runs over and kicks the monkey in the face, knocking him away. The fox then turns to the warthog. “You good?”

“Yeah, thanks,” Emmy replies. The two notice Kenji getting back up and holding out a wooden staff. “Uh oh!” The two animals prepare to battle him.

However, the giant wolf comes over and smacks him with his paw, causing the monkey to fly and hit the wall, knocking him out. Niji transforms back into his old self. “I’m sorry, Fellas. Did I steal your target?”

Zach smiles. “Not at all.”

Sally dodges some punches thrown by the cat. “Whoa! Nice kitty!”

“You dumb dog!” shouts Miffy. “You and your flawed friends will pay!”

“Don’t ever call me dumb!” Sally swings her fist at the cat, hitting her in the face, but not without receiving some scratches by her stomach. Miffy then runs to her, but Sally moves aside and trips the cat with her foot. “Man, you are one mean cat!” She conjures a bomb in her paw and throws it at her, exploding and spraying pink dust around her. Miffy struggles to stand, soon closing her eyes and falling into a deep sleep. “That’ll teach you.” She is then smacked by Navy’s lizard tail. “Yow! Hey!”

“Sorry!” Navy tells her. “Just a bit distracted!” She evades the sheep’s attacks. “Whoa! You’re very feisty for a sheep!”

“You are so ugly as a lizard!” responds Cindy.

“Am I?” Navy then changes back to her bird form. “This better?” Cindy comes at her. “Oh!” The bird flaps her wings fast, creating a small tornado that gobbles Cindy and spins her around quickly. Once the tornado dissipates, the sheep stands, but wobbles. She sets her eyes on the bird and charges again, but her dizziness causes her to stumble. Navy places her foot on her back to ensure she stays down.

“Well done,” comments Sally.  

The headmaster pushes Eren off, then goes to pick up a piece of chair. “I will kill you for this, Flawed Fox!” She runs toward Zach with the wooden stake, but her attack is blocked by Emmy’s sword. The hooded figure tries desperately to hit the warthog, but when Zach aides her, the two repel her in an instant, disarming her weapon and kicking her back into a chair. Niji takes the rope and runs around her fast, tying her into place.

Eren reaches for his wrench and hits her seat, turning it into a proper restraint chair. “There, that should hold her.”

“I… I can’t believe it…” Zach looks down at his paws, then at Team Rescuers. “I… I saved people… I actually saved people!” A smile occupies his face. “I AM A HERO!”

“WE are heroes,” Sally implies. “WE saved everyone in this hospital.” She turns and notices the other dog coming from hiding from around the corner. “Avelina…”

“Sally…” Avie runs over and hugs her. “You’re okay!” Sally doesn’t hesitate, wrapping her arms around the other dog. Avie breaks the hug quickly to look at her. “That was incredible! The way you and the others took down Team Rescuers! I can’t believe they were frauds, and tried to make you look like a criminal.”

“They won’t be doing that anymore,” Sally tells her. “Not after we exposed them for who they really are. And the headmaster of my friend’s orphanage, who is the wolf’s mother, was in on this, too.”

“Well, I’m very proud of you!” Avie squeezes the dog more. “And Mom will be, too, when she finds out!”

Zach approaches the restrained hooded figure. “Looks like the tables have turned, Headmaster…”

“You!” the headmaster calls out. “I will get you for this, Flawed Fox!”

“That’s all you ever saw me as,” Zach says. “You and everyone else in Heroto, all because of my biological parents and disorder…”

“I didn’t care about what you did!” she cries. “But when you harassed my son and his friends, you went too far!”

“No, Headmaster… YOU went too far when you started attacking innocents and blamed everything on us… Putting me down was the best you’ve done for me… I fell down and lied on the ground for some time, but then Emmy stood before me with Sally, Niji, and Navy. She offered her hoof to me, so I took it, and I got back up. Eren is good, too. My friends are amazing, and we will continue to fight off anyone who messes with us.” Zach turns away and sighs.

Emmy looks at him. “You okay, Zach?”

“I-I’m fine…” Zach puts his paw on his head. “I’m just a little empty that’s a-…” His eyes widen as he puts his arm down. “Empty… That’s what it is… All my life I’ve been dubbed a “flawed fox”, however, I faced my darkest fears, and now I’m not worried about that anymore, or afraid…”

Eren pulls up beside the fox, wrapping his arm around his back for comfort. “You aren’t a flawed fox, Zach. You are more of a “fantastic fox”.”

“Fantastic fox,” Zach repeats. “Yes! I am Fantastic Fox! Hero of Heroto!” He looks to Eren. “You know, you were pretty courageous and daring to do everything that’s happened today.” Eren smiles and thanks him. “We should call you “Daring Deer”!”

“Daring Deer?!” Eren utters. “I… I like that name. No, I love it.”

Zach then looks to Emmy. “What should we call you, Emmy?”

Emmy puts her hoof on her chin. “How’s Acro-Swine? You think it’s a good name?”

“Suits you,” Navy spurts. “Oh! I want to be called Feather-Morph! Because I change into anything I want!”

“Sweet,” comments Niji. “Hm, I’m not sure about my name.”

“Why don’t we call you WereWonder?” asks Emmy. “Because you transform into a werewolf sometimes.”

“I think I’ll stick with that name.”

“Call me something stupid and I’m quitting,” Sally juts. “I swear to God!”

“Um…” Zach rubs the back of his head. “Is DynaDog a good name?”

“No,” Sally responds. “It’s a better name. And it fits my abilities. Thanks, Fantastic Fox.” Zach’s smile grows bigger.

“Well,” Eren starts. “Seems like this is the beginning of new lives for us.”

“It sure is,” Emmy tells him. “Sure is.” @emmy-the-absolute-goof​ @sally-the-pack-leader​ @rainbow-strike​ @pink-unicorn-boi​ @ask-choro-mama​

[angstybadboytrash]

|| Voice of Treason|| Chapter 6

[DABI X OC]

Summary: Hanako Yamada is tired of living in her brother’s shadow, so when an old friend comes back into her life, she can’t help but take a chance and make a new name for herself alongside the League of Villains.

Chapter: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

A/N: Hey Guys! Writing for this has been awesome. I don’t have an entirely specific plot for this piece but as I go along pieces go together. I have an idea on how I want this to end but I’m struggling getting there. I also realize these first few chapters are more centered around my OC and her development than her relationship with Dabi. But please don’t fret! Big things are coming!! Also I wanted to put my own twist on this and have some Villain!Bakugou so this is a chapter leading up to that. But here’s some more Hana development and soft Bakugou. Enjoy! Please give me some feedback!

Reblog to be put on tag list

Tags: @fridgesbestfriend @princedabi @nightkidd-hd @gaylemonsmutfluff @dark-eyed-dream @sweetycue @aarinisreading

It was complete and utter chaos when the leauge finally made their messy getaway. With Bakugo in tow they had accomplished their goal but now came the hard part. Getting him to join.

They locked him in the cellar downstairs and were going to deal with him tomorrow. Hana couldn’t seem to shake the feeling that if they waited he wouldn’t join. Right now he was alone and vulnerable and she was going to take advantage of that.

After the team had gone to sleep, Hana snuck downstairs to talk to the hotheaded teenager. She still wore her uniform and the clicking of her boots against the cement floor caught Bakugo‘s attention.

Hana didn’t know this boy well at all, but she had seen him during the sports festival so she knew what he could do.

“What the fuck do you want.”

“Look I just want to talk. I’m not gonna hurt you or anything. I come in peace kiddo.” Hana had brought a chair down with her and sat straddling the seat while leaning on the back of the chair with her arms crossed.

“So... what’s your story?” Hana’s tone was kind and curious. She wanted to get to know Bakugo before trying to get him to join.

“I don’t have to tell you shit. Let me go you sick bitch.” Bakugo was angry but he was too tired to put much effort into his insults. His hands were handcuffed behind him so he couldn’t really fight.

“Okay I get it. The Leauge kidnapped you. But there’s no need to call me a bitch. I didn’t kidnap you, they did.” Hana pretended to look hurt.

“Whatever.”

“Listen. I just wanna get to know you. I wanna know your story. How about we make a deal. I’ll tell you who I am and what my story is first, and then you tell me yours. Deal?”

Katsuki thought it over for a moment. He could tell Hana wasn’t a threat but he could also tell she was stubborn. She wasn’t gonna budge and she was gonna keep asking no matter how many times he cursed at her or spit in her face. After a long day of training and over exerting his powers, for the first time in a while, Bakugo wasn’t in the mood to argue.

“Whatever. Deal.” He rolled his eyes as the raven haired girl infront of him smiled enthusiastically.

“Awesome! Let’s get started, oh um, where should I start? Um, hi, my name is Hanako Yamada. My friends call me Hana, um-“

“Wait, you’re- you’re the missing girl. You’re Present Mic’s little sister aren’t you?” Bakugo couldn’t help but interrupt.

“Yeah. Sadly that’s me. Um anyway-” Hana nervously fiddled with her fingers, spinning the promise ring that Touya gave her senior year around in circles.

“Why sadly? Your brother is a hero? Aren’t you proud?” Bakugo was confused at why Hana didn’t enjoy having a pro hero older brother.

“I was proud when he was still my brother. Before he went pro. Before he went pro he was actually there for me. Hizashi is almost 8 years older than me but he always took care of me. When he graduated and went pro, he -he wasn’t my brother anymore. He was Present Mic, the magnificent Pro-Hero. He would call every once in a while but he was never there for me.”

Bakugo understood completely. He knew what it was like to have someone who didn’t act like the person they needed them to be. His mother never really acted like a mother. She wasn’t caring or nurturing like everyone else’s mom. She yelled a lot and was never really there for him when he needed his mom.

“Um.. Anyway.. I didnt go to UA for school but growing up everyone knew me as Hizashi’s little sister. He was loud and outgoing and I was the opposite. I kept to myself and didn’t have very many friends which was fine with me. I would have gone to college but I lost someone really close to me when I turned 20. My best friend disappeared. Me and Touya had big plans for life but after he disappeared I didn’t know what to do with myself. I moved out and got a job at the coffee bar down the street and that was my new life. I lived alone and sad. Hizashi would text me occasionally but he wasn’t there for me like I needed him to be.” Hana ran her fingers through her long black locks and played with the dead ends.

“I know the feeling.. I don’t have any siblings but I can relate because of my mom.. My mom doesn’t really act like my mom. She’s got a firecracker personality and it’s where I get mine from but she’s cold, and harsh, and she blows up at me more than she says she loves me. She doesn’t care for me like other kids moms. That’s one reason why I hate Deku... his home life is so much better than mine and he takes it for granted. You have no idea how much I would give to be able to hear my mom say she was proud of me for once...” Bakugo’s voice wavered as he talked and Hana knew this must be a hard topic for him.

“Hey kiddo it’s gonna be okay. I’m sorry your mom isn’t much of a mom..” Hana didn’t really know what to say to the blonde but she she couldn’t help but feel resentful towards his mother. Hana couldn’t understand why someone wouldn’t care for their child like a proper human being. Hana didn’t care for kids that much but she knew they needed love and positive encouragement.

“I’m sorry your brother isn’t much of a brother.” Bakugo couldn’t help but mimic the woman infront of him. He wished that his mother had conversations like this with him. Bakugo didn’t have an outlet to let talk to anyone or let out his emotions and this time with Hana was something he was really enjoying. But he would never admit that to her. Without realizing it, Bakugo had let his walls down and it felt good.

That night Hana and Bakugo spilled secrets, told jokes, shared stories and they both let their walls down and just.. talked. Which was something new for the both of them. They both had more fun than they would like to admit and enjoyed each others company. Hana had started to care for the boy and if he needed a mother figure, she was gonna do her best to be that for him.

— The Next Morning —

Bakugo woke to the loud slam of the wooden door against the concrete wall.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LET HIM GO-Oh he’s right here. Oh you meant. Oh.” Dabi rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. He didn’t realize when you told him that you let him go, you meant you untied his restraints.

“Sorry to wake you hun. I’m about to make breakfast. I’ll bring you some in a bit.” Hana rubbed her fingers through Bakugo’s messy blonde hair. He nodded to Hana and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“What just happened? Why are you making him breakfast and not me??” Dabi was baffled by the interaction he just watched. He couldn’t believe that his girlfriend was making a prisoner breakfast instead of her boyfriend.

“I stayed up last night and talked to the boy. Got to know him and we talked about stuff. He’s got some issues with a parental figure that’s lacking and I figured that if I give him what he needs he can help us get what we want. Plus he’s a really good kid Dabi, he trusts me.” Hana worked her way around the kitchen as she spoke. Making bacon and eggs for the firecracker in the basement.

“Update Shigaraki on the situation so he doesn’t go prodding in places he isn’t needed. I’m so close to getting a forward answer from him on joining.” Hana couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Bakago joining their little ring of misfits. So far he hadnt tried to escape and he seemed to trust her and if he didn’t then he was a hell of a good actor.

Hana entered the basement with the hot breakfast and a glass of orange juice. Bakugo’s mouth pratically watered at the sight. “Here you go hun, if you need anything else let me know.” Bakugo hummed in response as he dug into food and started shoveling. 

“Katsuki i need to talk to you. I know you are probably hesitant about all of this but i wanted to know if you’ll join us..” Hana couldn’t help but fiddle with her fingers in anticipation for the boys answer. she was very anxious about asking him but thats what Shigaraki wanted.

Bakugo was silent. He knew this was coming but he didn’t realize it would be so soon.

“You won’t have to stay with us if you don’t want to. You can stay at UA and be our informant. You won’t be technically a part of the league of villains but you will assist us. I can train you. You’re already amazing and at the top of your class but you could be so much more Katsuki..” Hana started rambling to fill the awkward silence..

“Shut up fuckstick. Stop rambling. I- I’ll-“

Before he could answer the bulding shook as a huge explosion went off. The building shook so hard that it knocked Hana off her feet. She fell forward into the teen and he caught her effortlessly.

Hana mumbled several curses under her breath as she pulled herself together. She knew exactly who was here and she was pissed. Dabi lit ablaze in self defense and Hana was so ready to scream.

“Watch the kid. I have someone to deal with.” Hana rushes out of the room before either of the boys could protest.

Hana silently prayed that her least favorite person wasn’t here but then she heard it.

“LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE. GIVE ME BACK MY SISTER! YA DIG?!”

Present Mic’s booming voice could be heard from miles away.

“Fuck.”

[kikkieabby]

Kikkie: I am ashamed to write this, at the same time. Somewhat proud, took me two days to finish.

Summary: Izuku (Who's a girl) finds Katsuki chained up and bound. With him being bound and unable to move, the young woman takes this opportunity to make Katsuki her Kacchan for one night. Only to have it back fire's...Literally!

Rated 18 and older for lemons, a lot of cursing and dark thoughts. Thank you and enjoy!

"God that was difficult, but fun I guess."

I chuckled as I walked down the hallway of my school. The tournament was over, I was heading home to enjoy a nice hot bowl of Katsudon. Mom must be waiting for me to come home by now. She will be pretty concerned when she see's my arm, but I bet she won't lose her mind so much.

Then again, she always said a lady shouldn't fight. Saying that girls are meant to be cute and smart and marry heroes instead of being one. But her opinion changed when she saw me in action and my determination to get into the school. Plus, all my female friends.

Although she did hate my costume, she thought the green and tight body suit was bad. I mean, isn't that what all superheroes females wear? Skin tight outfits that show off your body? Plus, I had the fat ass to show for it, which I hated by the way. I wish I didn't have a fat butt, but it was there and not going away.

As Kacchan said, my fat-ass is the only thing that would defend me in battle. The proceeded to call me Deku. Ugh, Kacchan, why do you have…to…be…

"Kacchan?" I asked.

There he was, in the interrogation room sleeping. Why was he chained up? Didn't he win? Oh wait, he was screaming about something on the TV. I think sensei might have chained him up or was it principle-san?

Entering the room, I heard a light snore escape his lips. From all that raging must have made him very tired, I wonder if they called his mom yet to come and get him. I hardly doubt it, they might keep him like this all night. The nurse lady was leaving for the day…and the sun is almost down…which means no one is possibly here.

No one might be here, and Kacchan is chained up.

"Oh, Kacchan…" I purred as I entered the room even more. Closing the door a bit behind me, I walked over to him and snapped my fingers. Still no response, oh well. Slowly, I remove the restraints from his elbows before moving his body a bit with the help of the chair. Once to the wall, I moved the restraints holding his hands together upwards onto the hanging hook.

With his hands restrained and his feet held in a chained lock. There was no way he could use his powers on me. I like seeing him like this. Restrained, powerless, and vulnerable. I wish I saw this of our youth…

Katsuki…one of the most vicious fighters I have ever seen…and loved. Was it a turn on that I liked to see him like this? Yes, yes it was! I have known Kacchan my whole entire life. I had admired his abs, his fire spirit, even his rock hard body. True, his words were hurtful at times, and he can be a total ass, but you can't deny the lust inside you. And that is what I had inside me. Boiling, waiting to come out to burst. And now is the time. And also, a little revenge for always calling me Deku!

"Kacchan…" I purred. With my one good hand, I lift his blue shirt up a bit, showing off those amazing becks of his. One of my fetishes is watching Kacchan workout in his backyard in the morning. Hot, sweating and shining, god it was so hot.

Pressing my hand against his ribbed abs, I saw him stir a little. But nothing yet, I wanted him to wake up already, but he didn't! So, I pressed my index finger against his belly button. Making him move and growled a bit. A second later, he opened his eyes. Didn't take him long to look down and scream. Good thing the muzzle was on him, I didn't have to hear him scream mean words at me.

"Hello Kacchan, enjoy your nap?" I asked as my hand's press and slides down against his tight skin.

"NGH!" He screamed before shaking his body violently against my body. He tries to move his hands and feet but fails to even lay a hit on me. Silly boy, this skin was so perfect.

"Sorry Kacchan, I will release you when I have my do," I tell him before leaning down. Giving his ab a nice kiss. Sucking on the skin, I allowed my lipgloss lips to suck enough skin into my mouth to bit down a bit. He tasted like liquid salt that burned the tip of my tongue, but I didn't mind. I know he was clean, so I wasn't worried much. He moans loudly at the action, allowing me to remove my lips to see a dark purple mark on his skin.

"A love bite," I told him before smiling at him. If you didn't notice that eyes were red before, you would surely notice now. He was pissed! I could even smell smoke coming from his restraints that were over his hands. But the fun was just starting…

"Oh, don't worry Kacchan. You'll be moaning soon."

I inform him before pulling his pants down. To my surprise, he didn't wear underwear under his shorts. And also, I can see why he never skinny jeans either. Holy mercy! He was packing like those guys I've seen in the porn videos. No wonder his ego is so big. And what surprised me was…it wasn't even hard yet. Relax, and remain calm…he's chained and it can hurt you. Only pleasure you.

"I see where your ego comes from," I told him with a smirk. Gently, I take his member into my hand before leaning down to kiss his soft member. Kissing his tip, I could feel his veins twitch a little at the embrace of my lips.

"I have never tried this before Kacchan, so I am sorry if you get hurt," I tell him before licking his tip. A could hear him growling louder as I lift his member up. Licking the sides oh skin, I traced the twitching veins with my tongue.

The skin of his manhood begins to tighten. Slowly, it begins to stand up proud and strong as a skyscraper. And oh my heavens, it was huge! The tip of his length was near to his belly button, with the size of his meat behind nearly as big as a sausage my mom makes.

"Oh my, didn't take long to get you hard." I purred as I run his member. I am glad he's enjoying this, even though he's chained. But how else would I have had this moment? To have him be my first. I won't lie, I know he doesn't like me. But if we share this moment, I know I can cherish it for the rest of my life.

Without hesitation, I removed my hand from his member before removing my clothes. It was extremely difficult to do with a broken arm, but I managed. As I did this, I could see his red eyes following my good hand. How it slides off every clothing from my body, giving him a show as I exposed my birthing suit to him. Once done, I throw the last of my clothing into a pile that was located on the table. When I looked back to him the last time, I saw his face was red as an apple.

"Do you like my body?" I asked him as I exposed my self to him. Pressing my chest against his member, allowing his sensitive skin to push against my breast. To feel my heart beat as I did his twitching. I wonder if he was as nervous as I was?

"Ngrh!" He growled over his mussel. I didn't know what he said, but I could guess he cursed me out. All I did was chuckle before bending over. Bending my behind to his manhood, I begin to rub my butt cheeks against his cock. This is what I got from the porn videos.

"Okay…" I muttered. With a small sigh, I move his mand hood to my hole. My virgin hole was about to be deflowered by him. By force, I know, but I wanted it so bad. I am a horrible person, doing this to my childhood friend, but I can't stand it. I deserve to be Kacchan's first, or if anything, he should be my first. I know after this he will hate me forever, but I need to feel him at least once inside me.

"Here we go…" I told him before letting him slide into my womanhood. I could actually feel him deflowering me! Stretching my insides, allowing me to take him in deeper. It felt amazing, now I know why those girls on those video's moan so much. Even though it hurt a bit, I could barely notice with all the pleasure and my heart beating at a fast rate. I could be exploded right now and have no regrets!

"Oh, Kacchan!" I moaned louder. His cock feels amazing inside me! It is so big and thick that it makes my mind go blank. I wonder what it would be like if Kacchan and I did as a couple? Would it be hot and heavy? Or slow and romantic? I don't care! What matters is feeling him now in the present and-

*BOOM*

"Huh?"

I heard a loud explosion. Looking down…I saw pieces of metal hit the floor. Some of them were even melting…Oh no.

"You little horny cunt…" He growled. Slowly turning my head, I saw the eyes of a demon staring down at me. Quickly, I tried to run away from him. Only to be stopped by his foot tripping me to the ground. I fell straight on my face with my butt in the air! I was so ashamed of myself when I lifted my head up.

"You fucking little whore…" He growled at me. Standing over me with his manhood still hard and even leaking a bit. He's like a villain preparing to kill me right now. Oh my gosh, what am I saying!? I deserve this! I tried to take advantage of him when he was restrained! Oh god, I deserve to be blown to pieces.

"Kacchan…I am sorry…" I spoke. But that didn't stop him. No, he bends down to me and pushes me onto my back. His face an inch from mine, gritting his teeth in anger as he glares down at me.

"Don't you fucking think about stopping!" He…wait…what?

"What?" I asked.

"You heard me you horny bitch, don't fucking stop!" He growled even louder as he moves my legs. Spreading them far apart, I could feel my area opening up a little before feeling his monster rub against my area.

"Kacchan?" I asked. Before I knew it, he grabs me by the hips then hoist me up like I weigh nothing. In a flash, I gasped at the feeling of being entered again. Only this time, he went in deeper. So deep I gasped! My hands grip his shoulders, my nails dig into his skin as my body tries not to tense up.

"Fuck…Deku…" He moans before lifting me up, then dropping me down. Up, down, up, down, faster, slower, faster, slower! His cock, if I thought it was big before I was wrong!

Moving my hips forcefully, he made my body bounce on his cock so much my eyes started to move to the top of my head. It kept moving inside me, rubbing against my inner walls, practically stabbing my sensitive organ like it was a target that needed to be attacked over and over again.

"I feel weird…" I moaned. And I did, my area started to twitch and act up. I never felt like this before, it was scary! I was scared, but thrilled at the same time! I wanted it to stop, at the same time, I didn't! I wanted this, but I couldn't handle. Oh god, I think I am going to lose my mind after this!

"You're enjoying this aren't you, Deku!?" He growled. Leaning his butt out a bit, he positions himself so that he could thrust further into me. My hands press against the wall in front of me as he thrust forward. If I didn't hold on, my body fell over.

The way he was thrusting, I think I could fly at this point, or be thrown into the ceiling. Keep going Kacchan! Don't you dare go slow! It's amazing, keep going!

"I can see from your face your enjoying this! You like being violated like the slut you are! Don't you!?" He asked me in a huff and deep breathes. And he was right, my eyes were up and my mouth was wide open. Taking deep breathes, trying to remain here before my body loses realization.

"I am…" I moaned before looking down at him. Without realizing it, I lean down and kissed him. I kissed him! With the last of my goal in my head, I kissed him before finally giving into the pleasure. It was a sweet kiss, one without a tongue. Our lips combining into one, feeling each other's emotions. It was as wonderful just like those books I read said. Sadly, the kiss was short.

Kacchan reaches from my hip to my shoulders, then violently turned me onto my back. He lays his entire body onto my small figure, allowing his monster of a cock to slide all the way down to its limit. I know it hit its limit before I felt the tip slowly rubbing against my womb. His balls rub against my butt. His rock hard chest presses down onto my breast, I could feel his heart beat against mine in a way. I felt us both beating at the same rate, it was amazing. Then finally, before he thrust into me again, he leans down and pressed his lips against mine.

Tongue sliding into my mouth, it wraps and tastes my pink skin. I stare deep into those red eyes of his, not looking anywhere else as he thrust into me again. My back arches a bit, wanting him to go more in me. I couldn't help but tremble at all the sensations that were happening to me at once. Heartbeats, kissing, his soft red eyes, and cock thrusting into my womb.

I couldn't help it! I think I gave in after that! My walls tighten around him a member, refusing to let go when he slides out. My legs wrapped around his back, pushing my heels down as he thrust into me, making him move faster inside. Oh, I can feel it too! The veins on his cock, it was twitching, I think he might have been close to his limit.

"Deku…" He moaned, snapping me from his gaze. His crimson gaze that blinded me so much that I didn't even notice out tongues separated.

"Kacchan…"

"Tell…what kind of child…would a Deku like you and a Hero like me make?" He asked me. It didn't take long for me to snap out of my fantasy. He wanted to impregnate me! I move my legs off him to get away, but all he did was lay on me before thrusting harder. Oh god, it felt amazing! My body starts to shake from the feeling.

"Kacchan!" I moaned loudly. My arm wraps around him as my broken arm laid there.

"Do you want my kids Deku? You want them?" He asked me.

"I do…but not now…" I moaned. I looked straight into those eyes of his before saying:

"I want them in the future when you and I are heroes. I want to be strong enough…to protect our children…because I know… they will be special like you…and me…"

I tell him. In a flash, his eyes turn to that of anger. His member becomes bigger and bigger, even vibrating a bit. I wonder if this was his powers? He leans down a bit and kisses me in full rage. Forcing his tongue down my throat in as he thrust into me hard. The kiss was long but nice. I couldn't help but moan while I moved my face up, deepening our kiss. I think he was going in so deep into me that we were going to one soon. Sadly he separated from me, leaving my tongue hanging out for more.

"Fuck you…" He growled. "Fuck you Deku…how fucking dare you act this cute! You come in here and violated me, then start acting like wife material!? Do you really think I can ignore you when you're like this!? You fucking cunt!"

"Kacchan…" I spoke in a low and somewhat frightening voice. Was he about to explode on me?

"Promise me…" He growled. Lifting my legs a bit, then set them on his shoulders. Leaning down, my body begins to lift a bit up as he hovers over me.

"You know in this position, the chances of you getting knocked up are about 70%." He tells me. "And since your so young and bright eye, that chance increases by 30%."

"What?" I asked. Before I knew it, he was ramming his length back into me. And I knew in my heart, that it was practically poking my womb so much it twitched! Oh god, he was right! I can feel my womb begging for his cum! I could feel it welcoming him! Dear god, my body was betraying me!

"I don't want kids yet!" I shouted at him. But this made him go faster. He wanted to impregnate me! He wants me to carry his seed! It was a dream come true, but not now! I wanted to be a hero first before anything!

"Kacchan…please…." I begged him. My body had given up at this point, I couldn't even punch him off my body because it was enjoying itself. I give up, Kacchan going to knock me up! And my body is welcoming it! This is my fault, I should have never unchained him. This is punishment for my dark thoughts.

"I give up…" I moaned. Looking once again to into those crimson eyes of his, full of rage and hate. I wonder what our kids would look like at this point too. Green haired, red-eyed boy-girl with my freckles and his attitude…would be so cute.

The sounds of our skin slapping together sank into my skull. My body goes a limp as my lower area's held up to support his thrust. I dreamed of losing my virginity to Kacchan on our wedding night, but this will do as well. Because after this, I know in my heart we'll finally be together.

"Kacchan…I love you." I moaned one last time for this night. For it was the last words to set him off. With a loud grunt, he moves his body a bit before removing himself from my gaping hole. A quick withdraw that ended in white sticky liquids on my stomachs.

"Kacchan?" I asked before he falls back on his back. Puffing and huffing, his chest slowly goes up and down while his manhood stayed up proud and tall. I must admit, he had a lot of energy for his youth, I wonder if he was a virgin?

"I hate you…" He growled. "Why do you have to be so fucking adorable!? Dammit, Deku!"

"I am sorry. When I saw you chained up I couldn't help myself." I told him. Turning myself over, I crawled on all fours towards him. Once close, his right arm snatches me by the waist to hold me close to him. Practically laying on his chest, I blush ear to ear at the thought of what we looked like right now. Why was he so warm? Eh, felt nice.

"Your such an idiot Deku."

"I guess I am."

"But you're my idiot now I guess."

"I…wait, what?"

In a swift flash, I found myself underneath him again. His red eyes glaring down at me, preparing to strike, while his member rubbed against my stomach. It was still wet and hard…

"You heard me! If you think that after this you can go out and screw, date or hang out with another guy, your wrong! Your mine now!" He growled, and all I could say this point was…

"Okay." Told him before giggling. He then leans down to kiss me, but stops to look at the door…it was cracked a bit open. Was someone watching us?

"Hello?" He growled, but no response. So, he hoists his hand up and shot the door. Only to reveal the empty void of nothingness that lurked around us.

"I guess it was just the wind." I chuckled.

"Yea." He tells me before looking down at me. With a quick smirk, he leans down and gives me a peck on the lips before saying four words that would make me forever his:

"I love you Deku."

(Outside of the room)

Two pairs of shoes and gloves that hanged by the side of the opened door slowly rises to the air. The objects then slowly float away.

Kikkie: You all know who that was at the end ;)

Anyway, thank you for reading!

[violet-greengrass-blog]

A Fine Match

Violet knew something was going on even before she could step off of the crowded and stuffy train. The Hogwarts Express came to a stop with a mighty screech, and Violet, who spent most of the journey staring outside the window with very little interest, caught a glimpse of a veritable committee waiting on the platform. Her mother, looking serene and poised an unbothered by the commotion around her was framed by her mother looking rather cheerful, and, even more worryingly, Violet’s father. 

She masked her confusion with her usual mask of propriety as she walked up to the trio, greeting her mother with their customary kiss on the cheek before she nodded her head in polite deference to her grandmother. Violet then turned to her father, took one good look at his dour, hesitant expression, and she knew.

They found her a match.

Waiting until she was finally left alone with her mother and grandmother was torture-like, and Violet needed all of her self-restraint to not fidget with her utensils during dinner, or not to blurt out her questions. But at last her father—looking more uncomfortable than she has ever seen him—excused himself and she could turn to her grandmother.

“Don’t ask me his name,” Ivy Greengrass said before Violet could open her mouth, “we agreed with his father to have a chaperoned meeting instead of all the formalities.”

“Are we in a hurry?” Violet quirked an eyebrow. Such arrangements in the matrilineal Greengrass family were usually preceded by months of negotiations before the potential partners could even exchange brief pleasantries. “Or by ‘chaperoned meeting,’ did you mean that I’ll be arranging my own engagement?”

“Of course not,” her grandmother waved her questions off. “You’ll have plenty of opportunities to do that for your own daughters. It would be a very comfortable arrangement, so I saw no reason to progress slowly. The sooner you take over the estate, the better. I might die any day now, you know, and your mother is too attached to her fool of a husband to take over even temporarily.”

“Merlin himself couldn’t kill you,” Flora Greengrass sighed, exasperated. “And I did say that if anything happened to you while Violet was still attending Hogwarts, I would of course fulfill my duty and step in for a bit.”

“Anyway,” Ivy huffed good-naturedly, “we are going for a dinner at a very discreet, very upscale place, the two of you, me, and his father. Let me tell you the only things that should interest you, Violet: he has the sufficient social standing, a handsome face, and he is a rather independent young man from what I’ve gathered.”

“He would make a fine match,” Flora agreed. “The two of you could have a very agreeable marriage where you do what you want and he does what he wants, within reason. Oh, and I’m sure you will appreciate this; he was never even rumoured to be in a relationship with anyone, so the chances of... an unfortunate surprise or a scandal are very low.”

“All things considered, he would be much better for you than that Lestrange boy was,” Ivy snorted. “Good thing he kicked apart the little dating thing the two of you had. Deplorably stupid on his part to reject a Greengrass even casually, of course, but good for you.”

“I’m not rising to that bait right now,” Violet declared imperiously. Ivy cackled. “Very well, it sounds like I would like this match. What about him?”

“His father assured us that his son will gladly marry whoever he picks for him,” Flora said. “But of course, he might have some resistance to the idea of a Greengrass marriage—”

“Doll up a bit and have your usual charm,” Ivy interrupted. “You will want to see how easily you can manipulate him, just in case. And, of course, have a feel for any secrets his father might have wanted to hide from us. But overall we are very pleased with this match, and it’s high time we look for an engagement before the other families snatch all the good men available. I waited with your mother and look how that turned out!”

“I married a Selwyn and bolstered the Greengrass fortune?” Flora asked drily. 

“You married an arse.”

“And you arranged it.”

“True,” Violet grinned. “Not sure I can trust you with engagements, grandmother. What if this one is an arse too?”

“Then you whip him into shape,” Ivy scoffed, “like I did with your grandfather. That man was a straight-up bastard and I still made him to be a good father to your mother, which is where Marcellinus, the arse he is, has been failing. Well, I guess at least he’s better than all those foreigners we used to keep marrying.”

“Congratulations, you are getting a British husband,” Flora turned to Violet with a smirk. “No need to brush up on your languages. Ten years of private classes wasted right there just because your grandmother hates foreigners.”

“Does she?” Violet smirked back at her mother. “On a completely unrelated note, do we know what Monsieur Rosier is up to these days?”

Flora Greengrass, the undisputed queen of poise and perfect manners in pureblood circles, threw her back with an absolutely undignified, rambunctious laugh. Violet’s smirk widened into a shameless grin, and her grandmother rolled her eyes with a fond, exasperated sigh.

“You do what you have to do when your husband can’t perform in the bedroom,” she shrugged, pouring some wine for all three of them. “Besides, just imagine what would’ve happened if you inherited your nose from your grandfather and not my little French one-night stand.”

“I’m so grateful for your good taste in men,” Violet clinked her glass to her grandmother’s. “Here’s to hoping it extended to my future engagement too.”

“You’ll make it work,” her mother lifted her wineglass too, the three of them touching the delicate crystals in toast. “Women always find a way.”

“And Greengrass women make their own,” Violet and Ivy responded together.

“How do you feel?” Ivy asked, examining Violet. They still had quite some time until they had to leave, and the three Greengrass women gathered in the drawing room of their own estate. “Nervous?”

“Excited,” Violet responded honestly. She trusted her grandmother’s judgement and besides, she trusted her own skills to make an agreeable situation out of her marriage. The only two people who could’ve made a horrid match were out of the question; both her ex-boyfriend and her best friend were engaged already. Really, there was nothing to worry about, and Violet was looking forward to finally becoming the head of the family instead of an heiress. 

“Good,” Flora smiled at her. “You look radiant, dear, absolutely lovely. I wouldn’t be surprised if he decided to throw tradition away and just proposed you the moment your eyes met.”

“That would mean he has no self-control” Violet laughed. “Not what I’m looking for in a husband, mom, as romantic as that sounds.”

“Have you ever seen a more sensible young woman?” Her grandmother sighed happily. “Oh, Violet, I’m so looking forward to you becoming the head of our family. Won’t lie to you, it’s been a lot of pain in the arse, but you will do wonderfully with your reason and poise.”

“Thank you,” Violet smiled warmly. “I had two great women to thank for that, you know.”

“You’ll make me cry,” her mother said, pressing a hand to her heart. “And I’d rather cry in private about what an incredible daughter I have, you hear me?”

“I do,” Violet chuckled, giving a quick hug to her before she hugged her grandmother too. She opened her mouth to ask how much more time they had, when someone rapped their knuckles politely on the door. The three women straightened themselves immediately.

“I thought he left already,” Ivy grumbled under her breath. “Doesn’t he have some urgent business to do, like kissing Riddle’s arse?”

“Come in, darling!” Flora said loudly, shooting a warning glare to her mother who smiled back at her innocently. Marcellinus Selwyn opened the door carefully, face a brittle mask of politeness that Violet examined with interest. Amongst themselves, they referred to these moments as ‘little realizations’; when a man married to a Greengrass had to reckon with the fact that her female relatives weren’t under his control at all. Some men bore it with grace, some with humor, some with great unease, and yet some with violence—and that latter type was the one they tended to avoid.

Marcellinus Selwyn belonged to the third one, the type that felt like the rug has been pulled from under them when they were forced to realize their lack of power over the women they thought should obey them. He cleared his throat awkwardly, being faced with the silent trio of his mother-in-law, wife, and daughter. 

“I came to give my best wishes,” he finally said, voice stilted, full of uncertainty. There were, of course, traditional ways of acknowledging a Greengrass heiress’ impeding transition to being the head of her family and wishing her all the best, but Marcellinus Selwyn never bothered to ask his wife about any Greengrass traditions. Which always irked Violet and Ivy, who now felt a modicum of satisfaction seeing the usually overconfident man fumble. “So, er. If you’ll allow me to, I’d like to wish her—you luck,” Marcellinus pressed the words out from behind his gritted teeth, not receiving any nonverbal guidance from the women regarding the person he should be addressing. Was it the current head of the family? The soon-to-be head of the family? Or, since there was a marriage to be had, her mother?

“That is very kind of you, Mr. Selwyn,” Violet finally said, letting the silence last just a little longer than comfortable for her father. Ivy suppressed a smirk and Flora finally gave her husband a gracious smile, inclining her head towards their daughter. 

“Ah yes,” he turned to Violet, taking a deep breath. “Vi—Miss Greengrass. Please, accept my warmest wishes for your meeting. I hope you will find a fine match in the young man and that you will make your family proud, preserving the noble blood that has been bestowed upon you, and—”

Ivy inhaled sharply, as clear a warning sign as any, and Marcellinus stammered to a halt with an angry frown. He was clearly spoiling to snap at her, to spit out something deprecating about the Greengrasses and storm away in all his offended glory. Violet waited for a moment for her grandmother to rise from her armchair and either reprimand him or smooth the incident over—but Ivy remained seated and there was almost a palpable shift in the tension of the room, clearly felt by all three of the women.

Violet could decide what to do. She could actually tell her father to go and make an obstinate fool of himself somewhere else for the first time in her life, knowing that she had the authority to do so. She could reprimand him for all these years of mistreatment and casual cruelty, for all the faux-pas he committed in treating her like she was merely a simpering, inconsequential daughter and not a Greengrass heiress.

Her eyes met her mother’s gaze, and Violet could feel her almost jubilant anger cool. Telling Marcellinus off would’ve been a show of strength, but also a show of hostility. It was now her duty and foremost responsibility to make sure the Greengrass family was safe, and safety didn’t come from making enemies just because she felt like insulting someone back. She couldn’t get drunk on the power so few women of her social standing were ever allowed to hold for even a second.

“Thank you, Mr. Selwyn,” she said amicably. Her father snapped his head to face her. “You are a most gracious friend to the Greengrass family.”

It was a long, tense moment, when Marcellinus finally took a good look at her for the first time in years. Violet could trace the course of his little realization through the minute shifts of his expression; her father was angry for being denied his usual power over others, then resentful at what felt like a plot to diminish his authority; he then understood that he couldn’t change this course of events, and finally, her father looked at her and stopped seeing a silly little Selwyn girl. 

Now that was a heady rush of power—watching the man who constantly belittled her and sneered at her every decision swallow hard, realizing at last that they were equal. It felt like she was unstoppable, like she could do anything.

It tasted like victory, and Violet was ready to marry a bloody beast if that’s what let her keep that power.

[timebuzzer]

Love Channels Chapter 14.2

Jamie's POV

My brother decided to proceed with his scholarship and he’s in San Diego which I was so proud of. He’s on the other side of the country where our relatives and close cousins are but it’s better because he’ll learn to be more independent. 

I didn’t know where the time went and before I knew it, I was starting my internship.

First month in and I still need to make adjustments because it’s totally different from the labworks that we do. We’re more independent now but have to prepare our reports and submit to our University Hospital Supervisors.

I am assigned with group counseling and one specific case in my first month to see how I’d be further assisted by the seniors in the Hospital. I’m learning so much more now that I am doing this mostly on my own but I have to do extra work due to needed preparations. 

Sean sometimes picks me up when I get home later than usual because of the reports I have to submit and when he gets to go home early. We still make sure Fridays are ours. It’s the time we get to fully catch up on our week. Other times we meet friends but most often than not we just hang out either in his apartment or mine. 

His mother arrived the other day. What turned out to be just joining his father’s business trip became a vacation altogether for his mother but his father returned earlier then got busy at work. And because his mother is back, I was invited at dinner over the weekend.

This will be interesting, a reserved and a pretty outgoing set of parents.  

“You think my clothes are fine? I’m just wearing white shirt and denim pants.” I’m worried. He said I can wear comfortable clothes and told me to stick to pants and not wear a dress because it’s just a simple dinner.”

But he arrived wearing white polo shirt, it may look simple, but he looks good in it.

“Jamie, that’s perfectly fine, you look pretty and simple looks great on you. Plus if you change, you’re going to make me wait for another hour and we have to drive and be there early so please get in the car.”

“Okay, just so you know I am making you accountable if I don’t make a great impression on your parents because I am wearing these simple clothes, it’s your fault.”

“You already made a good impression by bearing with me for almost a year and Mom loves talking with you. It’s just you guys meeting face to face. If she had not stayed long overseas then you will never hear the end of my Mom asking you to go out for tea or shopping with her. My female cousins are lucky because she wanted a daughter too, but since they only had me, all that extra care is given to them.”

I laughed at the thought because one time his mother called me to ask me if I wanted to come visit where she is while on my break. I declined, I didn’t even join my brother because I wanted to relax here. I’m grateful though that his mother seems to like me because it can be quite challenging when the only child is a son.

“I like how your mom treats me. I’m thankful for it but I’m curious about how your Dad is.”

“Dad doesn’t talk much about a lot of things. He lets me be as long as I don’t do stupid things that would cause major problems, which I never really did after that one time he sat me down back in high school. They got called for a parent-teacher meeting because I got into a fight. Huge one.”

“Whoa! You? Got into a fight? I’ve never heard of that.”

We’re already on the road and usually we talk about random things but this was never really mentioned before, him getting into a fight. He brought up before that he had a temper, well who doesn’t, even I do. He talks a little bit about his parents whenever the subject comes up but never really about certain things like this.

“I haven’t mention that? I got into trouble when I was younger. I didn’t bully anyone if that’s what you’re going to ask. Dad talked to me about that before, he said bullying is never a good thing just because we’re stronger or bigger or popular we can do that to anyone who we think is beneath us, which no one should be really. We don’t have the right to. We just have different circumstances, perceptions, and dispositions in life.”

"I totally agree with your dad. Why did you get into trouble though?”

"Sports.” He laughed after he answered. “I get riled up easily whenever people cannot seem to be working together or when we lose. Dad enrolled me in a self defense class after that huge fight for me to learn restraint, self control and it helped in all aspects.”

"I see.” I nodded my head waiting for him to add to the story.

“I was playing soccer with our friends and we were leading by a point and I was handling the ball to make sure I hit another goal and someone pushed me hard. I got pissed and ya know, bloody nose, punches everywhere, all that.”

He continued.

"It reminded me of that when you warned me to bring your brother back in one piece when we played soccer the last time he was here and I saw how competitive he is. I had to make sure he doesn’t get into arguments. Glad the guys playing with us know how I am on the field so they kinda let Johann play his game. It was great seeing your brother like that. He would always just say a quick hi to me on facetime whenever you’re with them.”

"He likes you.”

"I hope so.”

"Huh? What do you mean? You don’t think so?”

"I think so, but he was dead serious when he told me he can beat me up if I hurt you.”

"He said that?”

"Yeah, he’s being a good brother, you know, which I understand completely. He said I should take care of you, especially that he was going to be away.”

"That’s sweet of him.”

"He gave me a look that made me so sure he’s dead serious about that, “I’d beat you up, if you hurt my sister.”

He kept talking about my brother, he never really brought this part up. I guess he was keeping that conversation between them and just thought he could share this to me today. Before we know it, we’re at their house parking in their driveway.

[skamelias]

JEALOUS

4.2 Søndag 20.08.17 17.36

((( Controlla - Drake )))

“Wait, but why did Laila sleep over?” Mutta asked, his head resting on his hand as he turned to Elias in interest.

Elias sat with his ankle resting over one knee, while the rest of the boys were lounging lazily on the couch beside him in the Bakkoush’ living room, doing nothing in particular. Mikael and Even were both occupied with something incredibly interesting on one of their phone screens.

Elias smiled at the memory of Friday night and Saturday morning. They had been constantly texting ever since then.

He shrugged in response to Mutta. “Her friend needed a place to crash and she wanted to keep her company. Also, the folks weren’t home.”

Yousef, noticing Elias’s change in disposition, smiled at Elias before he asked. “So she isn’t mad at you anymore?”

Elias paused, “Don’t think so.”

Adam smirked at Elias. “You seem very happy right now.”

“I am.”

“In other words, he feels whole.” Mikael erupted melodramatically. “He feels excitement. He feels euphoria rushing through his veins. He feels butterflies in his stomach at the very sight of her…..no, at the very thought of her.”

Elias shot him a deadpan expression as he reached out to smack him on the head, Mikael swiftly avoiding his hand with a grin. He looked oddly pleased with himself as he wiggled his eyebrows playfully.

“Idiot.”

“You love me though,” Mikael added.

Elias snorted. “That’s debatable.”

Mikael gasped in mock-offense.

“So are you and Laila together now?” Yousef asked.

“Yeah, we’re planning a May wedding,” Elias rolled his eyes at Yousef’s shocked expression. “No, you dumbass.”

“Well how am I supposed to know anything? You guys are so hot and cold all the time, I never know what’s going on with you two.” Yousef huffed.

Elias snorted at the irony. He definitely wasn’t one to talk. “You and me both, bro.”

The sudden sound of the door swinging open drew their attention, as footsteps echoed in the front hallway. Elias caught movement out of the corner of his eye, before he turned and saw Sana walk into the living room with a guy by her side. He was fairly tall, with curly black hair and a close-cropped beard to match. He was around Elias’ age, although he looked a bit older. They were laughing, apparently in mid-conversation before Sana said, “I think my dad is going to be home in a sec.”

“Okay, cool,” said the guy with a smile.

Elias furrowed his eyebrows, wondering who this guy was before he snuck a glance at Yousef, stifling a laugh at his friend’s sudden alert demeanour, He felt Yousef’s shoulders stiffen beside him.

“Guys, this is Ali.” She gestured to him. “Ali, this is my brother and his friends,” Sana said, introducing them to each other.

Ali turned towards the boys, nodding at them as he said, “Hey.”

They collectively nodded in his direction. This was definitely the first time Sana had brought a boy home.

“He’s looking for a surgical internship, so I thought dad could help him out.” Sana continued.

Awkward silence fell over the room, as none of them knew what to say. Elias turned towards the boys and saw Mikael and Adam desperately trying to restrain themselves from laughing.

“And uh…. how did you two meet?” Yousef asked pointedly.

Ali shared an amused glance with Sana. Yousef narrowed his eyes at their familiarity with each other. “Well, we met a while ago actually--” He turned towards Sana and chuckled. “--I can’t believe you lied and said you went to uni.”

Sana grimaced and opened her mouth, but just as she was about to respond she was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. She hastily walked over and greeted her parents who’d just walked in. Ali followed closely behind her, leaving the boys alone, confusion etched upon their faces.

Elias turned to the boys and Mikael and Adam let out a burst of laughter which they had been trying to hold in.

Yousef on the other hand, looked pale, far from amused. “Guys, you don’t think he’s more attractive than me right?” Yousef asked self-consciously.

Elias grimaced, choking back a laugh with great difficulty.

Yousef widened his eyes at the boys’ silence.

“I mean…..he does have nice hair.” Mikael said.

The boys all nodded in agreement.

“And what, I don't have nice hair too?” Yousef asked, subconsciously running a hand through his unkempt bangs.

The boys glanced at each other, nonverbally communicating what they were all thinking.

“Let’s just say it doesn’t do you any favors,” Adam replied.

Yousef looked panicked. “Is it the beard? You know I could grow one too?”

Elias snorted at him. He thought back to that time in high school when they’d bet on who could grow the thickest beard in the least amount of time. Safe to say, Yousef wasn’t exactly a contender.

“Bro, we don't have the time to wait several years for you to grow a few wisps,” Adam quipped.

“Besides, yours are more reminiscent of chin pubes if anything.” Mikael told Yousef.

Elias cringed as the boys grimaced. “What is wrong with you? No seriously I’d like to know?”

Mikael shrugged with a cheeky grin.

Elias turned to Yousef, grinning widely. He’d never seen Yousef this jealous before. Usually he was the calm and collected one, but it seemed that when it came to Sana, he was just as clueless as the rest of them.

“Yousef calm down. There’s nothing going on between them. She’s just helping him get an internship with our dad,” Elias assured him.

“I’m calm. I’m completely calm. I’m calm as a...rock.” he muttered in response.

Elias furrowed his eyes. What the hell did that even mean?

“How can a rock be calm? It’s an inanimate object,” Even interjected.

“I don’t know. Ugh, this is a very stressful time, leave me alone,” Yousef said, exasperatedly running a hand over his face.

“Awwwwww”, the boys all said in unison.

Yousef glared at them in response.

Sana peaked her head inside the room and said, “Are you guys staying for dinner?”

“Yes!” Yousef responded with vigor. Sana raised her brows at him at his sudden enthusiasm. Yousef cleared his throat as he rubbed at the nape of his neck and said, “I mean...yeah sure.” with a shrug, attempting to act significantly more nonchalant this time, but failing miserably.

She momentarily furrowed her brows at him before rolling her eyes as she walked away.

((( Spis Din Syvende Sans - Karpe Diem )))

“So Ali, what field of study are you interested in?” Elias’ dad asked.

They were all seated around the brown oak dining table, plates piled high with food. His mom had made tons of couscous and bean tagine; she had no restraint when it came to serving guests food. His parents were asking Ali about a million questions; Elias’ head was spinning. He couldn’t even imagine what was going through Ali’s mind at that moment. Poor guy.

“Well I’m kinda torn between pediatric and cardiac specialties. There are just so many preventable diseases that stem from heart problems and I’d love to help save as many lives as I can. But on the other hand, I really love children, and I’ve always wanted to work with kids.”

Elias saw Yousef roll his eyes slightly next to him. Elias snorted in response.

“Yousef loves kids too. He works at a kindergarten,” Sana added, looking fondly at Yousef sitting across from her. He met her smile with one of his own.

“They’re both great specialties. Medicine is a really good profession. You make lots of money too. Of course, it’s not only about that,” his dad replied, laughing. “We thought Elias here might follow in my footsteps after he graduated. But he’s still finding his path.”

Elias glanced over at his dad before looking down at his plate. He knew his dad’s words were well-intentioned, but they still stung nonetheless. He pushed his food around with his fork disinterestedly.

“Sana wants to go into surgery just like her dad,” his mom chipped in, as she smiled in Ali’s direction.

“We were actually talking about that earlier, I was recommending some biochem courses she could take when she starts uni.” Ali said, a grin on his face.

“She gets top marks in both biology and chemistry. Those should be no problem for her,” his mom remarked.

“You mentioned you had another brother? What does he do?” Ali asked Sana.

“Yah, he’s studying for his computer engineering degree. He already has a job lined up once he graduates. We’re really proud of him. My parents told us stories of how he was basically taking apart computers when he was only 8 years old,“ Sana jokingly recalled.

Elias couldn't help but grin at the thought. He was too young to remember it at that time, but he could only imagine the look on his parents’ faces when they came home one day to find Karim had taken apart the console he’d gotten for his 8th birthday. His reasoning? He had wanted to see what was inside.

“So….Ali, are you seeing anyone right now?” his mom asked interrupting his thoughts.

Elias furrowed his brows. He swore his parents had absolutely no boundaries.

Ali stopped chewing, a faint blush appeared on his cheeks.

Mikael and Even snorted. Yousef choked on his food.

“Mom!” Sana uttered, clearly looking embarrassed. “You don’t have to answer that,” Sana said turning to Ali.

Ali laughed lightly, “It’s ok, I’m...uh...not really seeing anyone right now. I’m trying to focus on my studies.”

His dad nodded. “Well, when the time comes, let us know. We know plenty of nice girls we can set you up with,” he said with a grin.

Sana raised her hand to her face in exasperation, while Elias just rolled his eyes.

Ali laughed uneasily. With a lackluster smile, he said, “That’s really kind of you, but….you don't have to do that. I don’t even know if I want to get married,” Ali replied politely.

Elias’ mom tilted her head and waved her hand dismissively. “You’re still young. You have plenty of time to change your mind.”

A bout of silence followed that last sentence, as everyone returned to the food in front of them.

“Does anyone want more couscous?“ Sana asked, holding up the dish in front of her, in an attempt to change the subject.

Elias and the guys collectively raised their hands.

“Ugh, I’m so full,” Adam groaned, rubbing his stomach.

They had eaten way too much, and now Elias and the rest of them were in a pretty bad food coma. It was all his mom’s fault. She was too good of a cook.

“Told you you shouldn't have had so much food. That’s on you,” Mikael shook his head.

Adam huffed as if he had been insulted. “I’m a growing boy, I need the nutrition,” he retorted.

“I didn't realize I was speaking to a 12-year-old child.”

Elias laughed, rolling his eyes at their idiocy.

After dinner, Ali had left and the boys had found comfort on the living room floor. Mutta had already fallen asleep in the corner.

“So do you think your parents like Ali more than me?” Yousef asked Elias out of nowhere.

Elias groaned. “Oh my god, are you seriously still on that?”

“Yousef how your desperate ass got Sana to go out with you will forever remain a mystery,” Adam joked.

Suddenly, Sana appeared, as she hovered in front of the door. “I ask myself that question everyday,” she said grinning down at Yousef, her hands on her hips.

The boys hollered loudly in response.

Yousef rolled his eyes at the boys and Sana shot him a cheeky grin which he promptly returned.

“By the way, what did you guys think of Ali? He seems cool right?” Sana asked.

Elias turned towards Yousef and grinned teasingly at him. Yousef grimaced as the boys tried desperately to stifle their laughs. Unsurprisingly, they failed miserably. Mikael’s grin threatened to erupt into full-blown laughter. Part of him wanted to smack Mikael on the head before he could say something stupid, but the fun side of him really wanted Sana to find out just how jealous Yousef had been.

Sana furrowed her brows in suspicion, noticing the evident change in their behaviour.

“What? Why are you guys acting so weird? Is it something with Ali?” Sana asked. She narrowed her eyes, looking from one to the other, no doubt trying to see who was the easiest to force it out of. Her eyes landed on Yousef, who was determinedly avoiding her gaze, before she turned to Elias.

He grimaced.

“Elias, I swear if you don't tell me what’s up, I will send all of your baby pictures to Laila, I’m not kidding,” Sana said as she crossed her arms against her chest.

“Whoa. Ok, wait that’s uncalled for.” Elias protested. He glanced at Sana, internally debating how seriously she might be to follow through with her threat. She stared back at him intensely, refusing to break eye contact. After a few more seconds, he looked away and sighed. “Yousef, bro I’m sorry.” A satisfied expression crossed Sana’s face. “Yousef’s jealous of Ali,” Elias admitted.

Her smug expression turned to shock as Sana wrenched her gaze towards Yousef who looked positively red in the face. “Are you serious?” Sana said, the widest smile forming on her face before she doubled over in a fit of laughter. She clutched her stomach, tears streaming down her face as her eyes squeezed shut. “Oh my god,” she choked out. “That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all night.” She wiped a tear from her eye.

Elias frowned. Yousef looked over at her in utter confusion, as did the others.

“Sana, why are you laughing?” Elias asked.

“He’s gay!” She finally managed to utter, amidst the laughter still bursting from her.

Elias raised his eyebrows. He did not expect that at all. He turned towards Yousef who was looking at Sana in equal parts shock and embarrassment.

“Wait, what? Mutta said abruptly waking up from his impromptu nap. “Who's gay?” He looked around at them. “How long was I asleep?”

Adam, Even, and Elias all erupted into laughter. Yousef had a sheepish grin on his face. Mikael was the only one who was silent, an inscrutable emotion on his face.

“How do you know?” Yousef asked, still unconvinced.

“I just know, you idiot,” she said shaking her head at him.

Silence followed that admission.

“Uhhhh…..what’s it going to take to forget this ever happened?” Yousef asked mortified.

Sana smirked at him, “Oh I can think of a few things”.

[itscaitlinkane]

Blog Entry #1

Gambari

“...on the whole, to have free time, to do nothing, or not to work gives the Japanese an unpleasant feeling. They tend to think that having free time is wasteful, even shameful, and feel uneasy.” (p. 85) 

The Japanese idea of gambari is all about working hard and patiently, if you work hard you will succeed in life and there is no room for leisure.  To me, this is very strange and different from what I am used to, but I can somewhat understand it. I am usually very busy so if I have a lot of free time I sometimes feel guilty, like there’s something I should be doing or as if I’ve forgotten something. In America, it is seen as a bad thing to have to work a lot. I know several people who are actively counting down the years until they are able to retire. 

“...many Japanese men do not know what to do with themselves after they retire, since their purpose in living had always been to work.” (p.86)

My dad has been retired for 10 years and spends the day on the porch reading the paper and watching TV, watering the garden, decorating the outdoor living areas, going to the gym and to the bar with his friends in the evening. He’s perfectly happy to never work again, but he also keeps himself busy during the day doing small activities and hobbies. 

From what I know of Japanese culture already, however, the concept of gambari isn’t very surprising. In anime, the characters are generally very focused on school and studying and the shows generally revolve around a school. This shows that there is a large focus on education and the importance of working hard in school.

Kenkyo

The Japanese idea of kenkyo is all about modesty and humility. They believe that it is more admirable to be modest and polite than prideful. In Japanese culture, it is very important to know how to speak humbly and politely to superiors or risk offending them or appearing to be too proud to do so. This is something that I see in my own life as well, at times. Use of “sir” and “ma’am” shows polite respect for elders. 

“although company employees may be similar in terms of ability, they are always ranked according to age, year of entry into the organization, and length of continuous service.” (p.144

This is something I’ve seen happen and be a huge problem for people I know. A friend of mine used to work in the assembly side of a small factory. The programmer in the office side suddenly left for another job. My friend had previous knowledge with programming and was trained to fill the position temporarily. He did an outstanding job and many people said he was better than the last programmer. They eventually opened a permanent position for a programmer and he applied. Unfortunately so did someone who had been there 10 years longer and had no previous programming experience. My friend lost the programming job because the other man had seniority. So he went back to the assembly side to work. In the weeks that followed, the new inexperienced programmer continually made mistakes that would set the factory back by days and my friend would have to go in and fix the mistakes in the programs to get them back on track. This happened again and again until they were months behind on some jobs and losing clients. But no one blamed the programmer. Eventually my friend left to a better job and the factory went out of business a few weeks later. Sometimes, seniority means nothing.

“Japanese people are poor at displaying their strong points and are sometimes overly humble.” (p.146)

I have personal experience with this as well. As an artist, I frequently have people complimenting my work. Even saying that feels boastful to me, but it’s just the truth. I’ve been an artist all my life and my friends would compliment my drawings and I’d say something like “no, they’re not that great,” because I didnt know what else to say. Of course I thought they were great, or else I wouldn’t have let them see the drawings. I worked hard to make them look good. Only recently have I begun to accept that it’s okay to respond with a simple “thank you.”

Amae

Amae is the Japanese notion of taking care of each other.

“Amae is vital for getting along with others in Japan and is the basis for maintaining harmonious relationships in which children depend on their parents, younger people rely on their elders, grandparents depends on their adult children, and so on.” (p.17)

This idea is seen in America, but not to the extent it is in Japan. Here, of course, children rely on their parents, and young people on their elders to figure out how to navigate their own way in the world, but after that, they’re on their own. The idea of grandparents depending on their adult children isn’t as common. My family will help my grandparents by helping put up the christmas decorations and driving them to doctor appointments, but other than that they’re very self-sufficient. The book talks about inner and outer circles and how there is amae in inner and middle circles but not outer. There is only amae towards people they know.

“they feel giri (obligation) when others, toward whom they have enryo (restraint), show kindness to them. However, they do not express their appreciation as much to people they are close to” (p.18)

This can be seen in America, as well. It’s similar to how when my mom cooks dinner for me, I won’t say thank you, but if a friend’s mother cooks dinner for me, I’ll say thank you. I don’t need to thank my mother for cooking me dinner, as it’s just what she does and I thank her in other ways, for example by washing the dishes that night or taking the trash out. I don’t get a thanks for that either, because there is no need, those are just our roles. I will thank a friend’s mom, however, because I’d be afraid that if I didn’t she might be offended or I might seem ungrateful.

Honne to Tatemae

“...it is considered a virtue not to directly express one’s real feelings and intentions.” (p.116)

In America, this would be referred to as “beating around the bush” and is generally frowned upon. People want straight answers and anything less could be seen as stalling or lying. It is seen as dishonest to hide one’s true intentions and can make that person seem untrustworthy rather than honorable or kind. 

“The Japanese do not like to express themselves in a straightforward manner for fear that it might hurt others’ feelings, so they are usually careful about what they say and often use tatemae in order to get along well with others.” (p.116)

This can also be like the idea of doing something to “keep the peace” or to not offend someone else. Recently, in America, there has been a greater push for this sort of thing, for people to talk very carefully for fear of offending someone somewhere. It’s almost impossible to post anything online anymore without offending someone, especially on sites like tumblr. This is widely seen as a bad thing among many Americans who feel that the world is going “soft” and is causing a growing divide between the two sides.

The book also mentions that if you were at a Japanese friend’s house and they asked if you’d be joining them for dinner, they’re actually politely telling you to leave, which I think would be very confusing to an American the first time it happened to them. 

[heyellejaye]

A History, of sorts.

There are so many factors that go into the person we become, and how we behave.

(This is such a long post, filled with hella real real life story, so hang with me here.  I promise there’s a sweet little golden nugget of encouragement at the end.  If you just want the nugget, scroll down - I won’t be mad if you do that)

**CW: drug use, neglect, suicidal thoughts**

For as long as I can remember, I was picked on for something.  

Everything.

Anything.

Being fat (I’ve always been fat, unless I was sick)

Wearing clothes that were too promiscuous

Wearing clothes that were too christian

Being too sexual

Being a prude

Being poor

Having money

Wearing old clothes

Wearing new clothes

Being too loud

Not speaking up enough

Having normal hair

Having crazy hair

Listening to weird music

Listening to top 40 music

Eating kale and mushrooms and nutritional yeast and other vegan lovelies

Eating mcDonalds

Having only a dad at home.

Having only a mom at home.

Literally the broad spectrum of nonsense garnered ridicule from early on.

Those used to bother me, but I learned to kinda brush them off.  Of course, it still sewed something of an awareness in my fabric of how “not enough” I was.   

When I was little, I remember one night in particular, my mom making a comment about my “thunder thighs” and how I shouldn’t dance too hard because my belly and legs wobbled too much.

I was 9, she was 35.

To be fair, she was high as fuck with her friends and I was up at 11 pm watching TV on a school night in the 3rd grade, so there was far more wrong with that picture than just being mocked by my mom for being a chunky kid.

I looked at her that night and committed her image into my head. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t end up as ugly as her.   She was 35, and weathered already.  She had worn herself down... tired eyelids hung heavy over vacant, wild eyes, lined all the way around in messy black eyeliner, making her blue-green irises something of an oasis in the whole mess, soot smudges from her pipe or whatever she was smoking that night on the side of her lip.  The image is burned in my mind with incredible detail.

That night shut me down.  Vulnerability became a struggle ever since.   I still don’t really dance, because of the wobble.  I’m working on that.

I wasn’t in her care much longer after that.  I saw so many really horrible things that addiction brings to users and the people in their wake. I can go into that another day, but there are a lot of things children shouldn’t have to deal with, and substance is the catalyst for a lot of that.

My dad got custody of my flock of siblings, and my mom spiraled into her own personal hell.  I didn’t see her very often after that, and when I had a chance, I kinda avoided the opportunities.  The mom that I remember when I was little was gone.  Burned away by substance, and replaced with a shaky, tongue-chewing shell of her former self, at best.

Going through my adolescence and teen-years without a mom didn’t seem weird to me, because the years leading up to it were largely mom-less too.  She was there, but kinda only on paper.  Never really in practice.  Except for the one time she told me that if I ever wanted to try drugs, that I should do them around her and not alone.

(looking back I just have to laugh at that statement, because again, I was 9 when it happened.  bless’er tweakerass heart.)

When we went to live with my dad, we almost immediately started going to church. I’m pretty sure my dad didn’t really know what to do with all these dang kids, and my Grandma who was and still is in constant devotion to a loving Jesus, told him to get us in church, so he did.

When you come from a place of neglect and trauma, surrounded by drug abuse, attending little conservative baptist church is like jumping into an icy lake after a hot shower.  It’s a shock to the system, and takes some pretty intense adjustment in behavior.  You get used to it, but there’s a process.

So, while I know the shift from my previous life to church was beneficial, every time someone said “we don’t say those things here” or “you can’t wear that here” or “That’s not how we behave”, “you should”, “you shouldn’t” was a little icy stab into my person.  Another patch sewn into my cloak of expectations, placed on my shoulders by outside individuals.  

Going through middle school and high school and beyond I was given a whole collection of “You should” and “You shouldn’t” patches that would make any Girl Scout chartreuse with envy.   Peers, adults, teachers, well-meaning relatives, church clergy, employers, boys who liked me, girls who liked me, boys and girls I liked... all sewed expectations into my personality that felt less like adornments and more like restraints.   It was rare (and not until high school, really) that someone poured into -me- specifically, and made me feel like I can be/do/think bigger than my circumstances. There were four people that come to mind, two of whom have now passed.  

(** NOTE - If you’re an educator and maybe you feel like you’re not getting through to the kids, I promise, I PROMISE, you are. You might be the reason they believe or even know that it’s possible to rearrange their stars**)

Somewhere along the way, I developed a chameleon soul.

The shoulds and shouldn’ts were so much to carry on one person, and so limiting, so the cloak became whatever the next person wanted it to be.  It’s hard to shake the tendency to accommodate everyone else’s opinions and preferences for who I should be, but I’m working on that, too.  

Take all of that life... All of those experiences, and mix media into that screwy little cake.  Media that tells us that we need to be skinnier, blonder, taller, have better hair, better makeup, cooler activities, perfect boobs, plumpier lips, brighter eyes, better skills, whiter teeth, perfect mental health, three college degrees, a great job, sunny shiny happy days all the goddamn time.   This part has been beaten to death, but in case you haven’t heard it yet... that’s not attainable.

I was FOREVER apologizing for who I was.  I would always make excuses for why I wasn’t good enough for praise for anything. “You look so pretty” “yeah, but my hair is a mess” “I love this picture you took” “yeah, but the lighting was weird, sooo...”  Gosh, Always excuses.    

I didn’t really learn that lesson well enough early on though.  

I tried.  I did.  But my chameleon soul tried so hard to be everything to everyone and eventually won.

Seasons came and went life happened and I met a boy.  We went from zero to 60, right away.

I got pregnant fast.  I got married fast.  I lost the baby a week and a half after we got married.  I convinced myself that it was God’s will that we lost the baby because we got a fresh start. I played house a while, had a couple more babies, I was attacked by depression, but still pretended to be happy. I did so much battle with my body. Not really for any reason, either.

I was married to a man who didn’t care how I looked, like... ever.  

He didn’t care that I was getting pudgier after babies.  He only ever made commentary when he was drunk.  Which wasn’t super often, but it wasn’t super rare, either.  And that’s not to say he was an alcoholic or anything, he was just more prone to poking fun when he had a few, and I was usually the target.  

He wasn’t big on compliments, and never had favorites, so the only “feedback” I got from my husband was negative.  It kicked me deeper into the need to look better to get positive affirmation, but also... I was SO depressed.  I had two babies under two and I was drowning in my own life.  I couldn’t let anyone know though, because a not-ok version of me was not who anyone wanted me to be.   I apologized for the space I took up.  I apologized for my chubby cheeks and post-baby tummy flab, and my armpit fat, and my wonky boobs and my tired eyes. I didn’t feel like I was worth compliments, honest hugs or good sex... but I pretended to be happy.

God, I worked my ass off to show everyone how happy I was.

(spoiler alert, I wasn’t.  I wasn’t ever fucking happy.  I wasn’t even interested in being alive anymore)    I didn’t want anyone to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do to be a better version of myself, and GOD forbid I admit that my happy world was less than sterling.  Why wouldn’t I be happy?  I had a cute husband and cute kids and a cute business and a cute little chunk of land in a cute little town, I attended a trendy church... literally everything looked so perfect.    Except for the person I saw in the mirror.  

I looked in the mirror and saw those heavy eyelids over dead eyes. I saw the face of a woman I never wanted to become.

I never fell into chemical substance, instead I was addicted to being everything.  The cloak I wore was my drug... and it wasted me away.  It stole the life from my eyes.  I didn’t actively seek deterioration with drugs or alcohol, but every morning, I’d lie in bed and wonder what I could do to end the parade.

I wasn’t ok, and I couldn’t talk about it with just anyone, but I had a couple of far-away friends with whom I could share the heavy thoughts.  They were ears and shoulders when I needed them to be.  They didn’t know JUST how heavy the thoughts were, but they were there for the parts I was willing to share.  They encouraged.  They challenged my self doubt and allowed space for me to be proud of myself for small reasons, and then big reasons.   They spoke life into my too-tired heart.  

I decided in that season of life that I would choose my good self. I would make choices that lead to a healthier mind. I would choose deep-down-in-my-bones joy.  I decided that I would live. Not just be alive, but -live-.  I decided that I would create things that I loved.  I’d hug with my whole self.  No ass-out hugs.  When someone fell into my arms, they would know that I wanted them there.

I decided to be better for myself and wear a face that my children could remember with fondness and not be ashamed of when they saw the same face in the mirror.  

I decided to choose to be a light for the people that cross my path, as often as I can.   I can’t build their path, but I CAN shine a light so maybe they can find their own.  

I’ve lived a whole life since that season, which is a completely different novel in itself, but the time between has been a healing space.  It’s been a big mistake making space, and a growing space and a hurting space, but the forward motion is remarkable.

I’m a week away from 35.  I hadn’t given a lot of thought to the significance of this age until lately.  I look at my whole self in the mirror and I’m proud of who I am.  I like the face I see in the mirror.  I like the way my eyes shine in pictures.  

I like the life they carry. I like my big soft body.  I like that I’m a safe place to land for my children.  I like that I can wrap hugs around my friends.  I like that my big strong legs can carry me up a mountain, even if I get a little out of breath.  I like that I’ve created humans and I’ve eaten yummy food with people I love.  I am pretty active sometimes, and sometimes I lose a little weight, and sometimes I gain a little weight, and I can’t complain too much because this body serves me so well.  I’m fat, but I also think I’m quite lovely. I don’t see those as opposing adjectives.  Fatness and loveliness can hold hands and play happily.

I have shortcomings.  I deal with some thick anxiety sometimes, and sometimes I eat too many pieces of pizza, then I feel like I need a nap, and sometimes I still take on too much, trying to be all of the things all of the time to everyone,and then I completely drop the ball and let people down...  but I’m working on making better decisions and facing that kooky anxious stuff head on.  It’s a process.

I’m a recovering chameleon.  I’m trying my best every day to not attempt to be everything to everyone, but I struggle.

The shoulds and shouldn’ts still weigh heavy on my shoulders, and some days I wear the cloak longer than others.  Trying to be free of it causes its own issues, but my feet are pointed in the right direction, I think.  

(here’s the nugget if you’re just joining from the top)

I am not the words that other people have placed on me.

I am not the opinions of other people.  

I am not the expectations of other people.

I am not the tragedy I have seen

I am not the circumstances from which I have walked.

I am not the mistakes I have made.

I am not the successes I have gathered.

I am not my illness

I am not my family

I am not everything to everyone.

And neither are you.

I’m not ok sometimes. And sometimes... I’m so ok.

I’m more than ok, I’m incredible, and I believe that the future is only more brilliant than the already radiant now.  

I hope for you, if any of this resonates with you, that you also can see your own radiance.  Not the cloak of shoulds and shouldn’ts that other people have put on your shoulders.  

I hope you really live, and you do the things you love, and you overflow with abundant joy that spills onto the people around you. I hope that when people hug you, they know that you want them there, and I hope that you only hug people you want to hug.  

I hope you know that the body you’re in is a miracle.  The odds of you being here are FOUR TRILLION to one.  You could have showed up in this life as a toaster.  But you’re not.  You’re an incredible being, capable of fat tears and belly laughs and loving someone so much it hurts and inspiring hope and surviving really heavy shit.   Toasters can’t do any of that.

And I hope upon hope that the person you see in the mirror is someone you like.  

[keepyourpantsongohan]

Ayesha Liveblogs Fairy Tail S6

“I’m sure you both have more than cuddling in mind” Gray’s hotness is truly A Curse

“We can start as friends and see where that takes us” Lucy is also cursed with hotness she can’t go anywhere without being hit on

Gray makes dad jokes in front of girls who have been recently orphaned

How did no one find out about the underground passage when they were rebuilding the guild hall surely that’s relevant to its foundation

I guess Macao doesn’t get a say in who the next guild master is

Natsu, Gray and Lucy are 100% ready to murder anyone who makes Wendy cry

I don’t know what I was expecting from this season but Porlyusica the space dragon mom was not it

“It’s absolute hell,” said Warren, before everyone promptly ignored him

I can’t believe they crossed to the Spirit World to party

Gray giving Lucy a head rub while they’re covered in weird looking spirit dogs is my aesthetic 

These guys must be afraid to close their eyes now because every time they blink they lose weeks of their life

Ultear has such powerful thighs 

Jellal is free and he’s here for Justice and I love him

Dfghkdfjgkjghdk I love how much it matters to Jellal that he atones and I love how much Erza loves him

“I can’t - I have a fiance” WHAT THE FUCK 

Jellal you’re a liar you just wanted to avoid making out with Erza

The real question is why the image in the intro is Space Jellal is Earth Jellal going to pose as Mystogan because he’s probably busy ruling a kingdom and all 

Does Juvia not get a say in Lyon’s stupid guild-switching bet

I have some questions about how old these kids are if they were younger than Natsu but still raised by dragons 

Every time Gray and Lucy have a snarky aside I gain a year on my life

“This kind of stuff is Lucy’s specialty, let’s ask her” I love that Gray is such a good strategist but always yields to Lucy’s intelligence

Gray is failing at hiding because he can’t help but monologue

If they win, Laxus and Mirajane want servants, Gajeel wants a playboy bunny and Juvia straight up wants a sex slave

My poor stripper son he is trying so hard 

Murder her Lucy there is no tolerance for people who attack little girls

I’m so mad Lucy deserves so much better than these cheaters

“I couldn’t care less” me too Rogue

Lmao @ Ultear calling out Jellal for wanting to impress Erza

Everyone in the Fairy Tail stands probably: Erza your babies are going to be terrifying

Jellal laughing himself out the tournament was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen 

Ngl I completely loved Juvia’s fantasy about the mutual brooding

Jellal is so Extra does he have to sleep on top of a thirty foot wall outside

Natsu gets two points but ten points in my heart

“He caught me right in the feels man” same random crowd member

How come they can hear these two making a wager but they could not hear Flare threatening to kill a child 

If one more man makes a bet about what they can do to a woman if they win without the woman’s permission I s2g I’m gonna murder someone 

There’s corruption in the monarchy? Colour me unsurprised

The wedding dress pageant is an accurate portrayal of everyone’s relationships Lucy has a flirty relationship with Loke and Lisanna has a romantic history with Natsu but Lucy and Natsu are kind of crashing into each other in spite of all that

Suddenly everyone’s names are significantly more Japanese 

Lmao if Erza had informed anyone about her clandestine meeting then they’d probably think she was out all night banging ‘Mystogan’

The only way I could support Gray and Juvia is if he starts dating her out of spite to annoy Lyon and just keeps trying to annoy him until they’re married 

If this arc is teaching me anything it’s that I hate men and they’re terrible

“I know where she is... making kissies!” U RIGHT HAPPY

Leave Jellal alone he’s trying to be a better man and he just loves Erza a lot

“Jellal’s true feelings are a mystery to me” ARE THEY THOUGH

Yukino bursts into tears when anyone shows her the bare minimum level of kindness I feel you girl 

“She deserves a straight answer” Maybe Juvia should learn to read between the lines 

The magic of cutaways:

Sting: What kind of idiot would storm around here and start messing with our guild?

[Cuts to Natsu]

My baby boy fighting for the honour of strangers bless his heart

“Tell him, Gray,” said Lucy, with no concept of Gray’s fight-me metre at all

My garbage child showing a rare instance of self-restraint by not competing in front of the person who arrested him

“I choose to challenge all of them” SHE DID THAT

Jellal’s Erza senses are tingling and they’re telling him ‘the person I love is doing something ridiculous’ 

Doranbolt is crying omg he’s so proud of Fairy Tail

CANA DID THAT SHE BROKE IT SHE FAIRY GLITTERED THEIR ASSES

“We have a secret weapon” I’m 90% sure it’s Bob in there

Update: I was incorrect yikes

I theorize that Alexei is really Ivan purely by merit of the fact they’re both wearing fur-lined cloaks

Apparently it’s a fail-safe method of detection

Laxus joining the ‘would murder for Wendy’ squad

“Anyone who threatens them gets no mercy from me” LAXUS MY SON

Shelia being a vessel of Zeref is not what I was expecting

Fucking Jellal bumping into the one person in the crowd who might want to pursue him

“Their fists may be small, but their spirits are as big as the sky” I can’t tell if I want Jellal never to babysit or for him to adopt fifty children

“I consider Jellal a menace as well,” said Jellal, probably telling the truth

Poor Dreyar boys, completely incompetent with tears

I wish Levy would stop with the heavy ominous foreshadowing

Erza, Gray and Natsu are ten times more highkey about wanting to protect Lucy than they have been about any previous guild member

Lucy’s boys jumping to cradle her in their arms simultaneously was so beautiful even though I am very mad on her behalf

Gfdkgjlfjghlfh I can’t believe Hibiki is the first established character to make out with someone this season

“But didn’t you think of them as your parents too?” Natsu not everyone has good parents; see: Laxus

“Beating the crap out of my idol is pretty freaking sweet” someone get Sting in therapy

Friendship is everything in Fairy Tail except when Natsu wants to cut a bitch then Gajeel is literally shafted

Erza, smiling pleasantly: We survived defeat and humiliation

Lmao @ Jellal being able to tell if someone is a woman by their feet 

This is the most ominous way to end a season let alone a series why did they separate these two stories I’m concerned