#mostly because it was sometimes used to give a pet something like eyelids that match the fur color

[yourselfcola]

recent brexes

[obeymeluv]

You Steal the Boys’ Clothes

Something I’ve been thinking of for a while.

Lucifer

It was rare the eldest was without his cape, as everything seemed to be a formal event and he must be dressed to impress. Being dressed to impress, however, means being clean so he gets it cleaned from time to time

Lucifer is a very organized, practical man. Constantly towing the line of obsessive for the sake of orderliness.

He knows where his cape should be, and that it’s not there

With a demon’s-only screech that warns Mammon to stretch his calves and run, Lucifer hunts down the three most likely suspects to interrogate them (Mammon, Satan, and Belphegor).

He tries to get a two-for-one by dragging Mammon into the study where Satan sits smugly with a book (because he knows he didn’t do it but MAN is he enjoying this!)

Imagine surprising not one, but THREE demons when you come shuffling down the hall with a Lucifer’s cape wrapped around you like a blanket.

It whispers and it drags and it absolutely DROWNS you.

Very charming. Ethereal, almost like some sort of wedding wear

Lucifer would’ve never imagined you’d be the culprit, and now his poor brain is trying to save and process the idea of you looking so sleepy-happy in his clothes

And the ex-angel falls all over again.

He catches the little cheek nuzzle and way you bunch it around your body, a foot poking out not to get tangled

Satan and Mammon will probably die laughing instead of at his hands, but Lucifer could really care less

Lucifer idly wonders where you’d curled up that he totally missed you, and escorts you gently but red-faced to your room

Satan and Mammon tag along, and when they see Lucifer come out with his cape they can only deduce he put you to bed.

Mammon

With no homework to do and some money in the bank, Mammon was ready to spend the weekend tearing up the town with you!

He was fresh out of the shower and mostly dressed, searching feverishly for his beloved white and brown jacket

Mammon wasn’t the cleanest person by nature (hello, money hoarder and collector of interesting/valuable things) so he tidied up as he went

As he started to suspect one of his little brothers was holding the jacket for ransom, he sent out a group text asking about it

There were several typical smart-ass responses (Lucifer, Asmo, and Satan) and he was in the middle of a snark fight when you showed up at his door somewhere between bashful and chill

In HIS jacket

Mammon’s brain shuts down.

HIS baby in HIS jacket? HELL YEAH! OH GOD, IT’S TOO PERFECT!

FIEND, TAKING HIS HEART!

“It’s kind of a human thing,” you explain. “There is a one-jacket fee among couples. Usually it’s a hoodie.” you tease, reluctant to shrug it off, “But this seems to be your only jacket so I guess I could give it back.”

It’s very subtle, but he’s worn that jacket for centuries and no amount of detergent can disguise the scent that makes his heart skip a beat

Something about the smell of your skin and a hint of his has him purring

You hold the jacket out to him. Mammon wraps his fingers around it and swings it around until he’s holding it over one shoulder

The yellow takes over in his eyes a little more. Gets a little brighter and intense.

“You want to take anything else off?” he husks playfully

Your day out turns into staying in and Mammon is happy to trade his jacket for a shirt you can sleep in (like, forever. It’s fine. Whatever, dummy.)

Leviathan

It was actually really hard to steal Levi’s clothes because he lived in his hoodie and turtleneck. His RAD uniform was really just for show and that wasn’t what you were looking for, anyways. You didn’t want to chill in uniform.

He was very particular about his merch because certain shirts were collector’s items and he didn’t like people messing with his folding patterns

You went to Asmo with your dilemma and he found it absolutely ADORABLE. It was almost enough to make him jealous, really

Somehow (Asmo being Asmo?), the fifth- born was able to swipe one of the green button-ups Levi wore under his RAD uniform

His first thought was to alter the garment to make it fit you (matching outfits? YES!) but Levi would probably kill him. His big bro hated shopping for clothes unless he HAD to have them.

Asmo gets the bright idea to magically/temporarily alter the fabric to fit you. Maybe Levi will like it so much he’ll just give you a shirt! 💖 (Or get some fucking outside time and go buy more shirts!)

Levi catches his own scent somewhere outside of the door and his brain goes off. He hits the pause button at lightning speed.

No one else smells like him! They haven’t shared bath products in centuries! He already finished his laundry so what’s happening?!

His first thought is: Mammon broke into my room while I was in the bathroom and stole something to pawn!

Levi doesn’t even think to take inventory of his stuff, barging out of his room to hunt down his big brother

He’s yelling and whining before he even sees him. Then he sees you. In his shirt.

All the angry words die in his throat as the absolute mortification and adoration sets his face on fire

SO KAWAII! It basically makes up for your normie-ness.

Levi’s stuck standing there, blushing his head off and unable to say anything as his fists shake with joy and nervousness

He gets a nosebleed. One of his brothers are laughing at him.

You guide him back to his room to take care of him, Levi lets you and becomes very fascinated with the idea of you in his clothes .Lots of petting and figuring out you look DOUBLY MEGA CUTE when the magic wears off and you’re just in a pool of fabric.

He’s totally down for matching clothes and definitely lets you keep the one you’re wearing.

Satan

His wardrobe is very...interesting...to say the least

Colors and personal combinations aside, Satan actually has a very smart wardrobe. Lots of basics and easy layers.

You can’t steal his signature green sweater or the blazer he seems to live in, so you settle for an emerald knit sweater that has a bit of a v-neck/university feel to it

It takes Satan a while to notice, as he’s buried in a book. You two tend to gravitate towards each other and just enjoy a cozy, companionable silence

He’s just finished a book and is debating cracking open one from the stack to his left when the color catches his eye

The smooth, sly comment dies on his lips when he realizes he likes the damn thing because IT’S HIS

You look very cozy and warm. It’s a very ‘cuddle me’ kind of look.

Perhaps you could warm his lap? Or give his poor hands a rest under the hem?

Very cheeky and clever. Grabs you by the sleeve of it just to ‘answer his curiosity about whether it matched his nails’.

Does he have a cute university student kink? If he didn’t, he does now?

There’s a 50-50 chance of you guys having sex.

Will definitely want to hold you and cuddle you close, petting the fabric and whispering compliments into it.

If you don’t already have a business/academic attire, Satan will definitely suggest a few pieces because YES. This is a thing he loves and it DOES things to him.

Asmodeus

He’s the type to let you think you stole something

Probably stages what he wants you to steal just so you take it

Honestly, I could just see him dumping some of his clothes on you because you’re dating now and this is a cute thing he read about!

It’s super likely he’s into couple outfits or coordinating outfits, so he’s either spent time in his closet pre-planning or asked you to try on a million things just because

This cutie pie purposely orders THE BIGGEST thing he can find so you can both fit in it at the same time

Asmo loves you to pieces no matter what, but seeing you in his clothes makes him squeal and hit a note Mammon has threatened to murder him over

Ever dramatic, this is like, THE BEST THING EVER

A MILLION Devilgram posts about it (safe ones, of course)

Do you guys spark a couple’s trend and spade of lover’s stealing each other’s clothes to snap a victory pic? Maybe

Probably fake faints at the sheer glory of you in HIS bomb ass clothes. Definitely fans himself

Spoils you rotten with compliments

This man is weak. “Gorgeous! Smother me.” as he falls back on the bed and gestures to his face

He won’t turn down the idea of sexy times (depends on your libido, comfort, etc.) but sometimes he makes raunchy jokes just to be funny. Smothering could also mean using him like a body pillow (which he’s totally okay with).

You get max cuddles and WILL be the envy of Devilgram

Beelzebub

Beel felt a little guilty for leaving you at the House of Lamentation with his brothers

You guys were supposed to hang out after school but there was an emergency practice. The coach always got pre-game jitters and demanded a few last runs. He showered and ran back to the House, hoping you still had time for him.

He tiptoed quietly into his shared room, unsurprised to find you waiting there for him. You’d been caught in Belphie’s sleepy little aura by the looks of it,

Beelzebub couldn’t help the grin or little hum that made it past his lips. Your eyes were open but he didn’t know if you actually saw him. You looked super cute in his humongous bed though

You were getting sleepier and sleepier, your eyelids getting heavier and heavier. Beel pulled the sheets over you and gentle untangled the arm you managed to latch on to

Maybe waking up to a bit of food would make up for everything! Beel toiled away in the kitchen, making a cute little snack tray for the two of you.

In reality, it could probably feed at least twenty, and he ate at least half of what he prepped.

Beel returned to the room with what he considered a decent amount (scraps, kind of, but enough variety! He tried! It’s the thought that counts!) and was surprised to see his sheets all tangled and half-kicked from the bed

You were wearing his jacket now, passed out and turned into the furry lining that usually went across his shoulders and neck

DId you sleep walk? He was trying to understand how you’d gotten into his jacket

Beel realized it was the first time you’d been in his clothes and it was enough to make his heart melt

Super huge on you, obviously (extra fabric everywhere), but so cute! He could basically swaddle you in his jacket

“They’re a restless sleeper,” Belphie yawned. “I thought it would help them calm down.”

It used to work on Belphie, so Beel could see why he resorted to it

Beel offered his twin some food, sitting carefully on your other side.

He shifted some of the parka fur away from your face, trying to fix your hair and nudge your chin up so your nose wasn’t buried in anything. He stroked your cheek a little, mesmerized by the sight of you and how you felt.

Belphie declined, muttering something about, ‘Stop looking like that and eat your food! Gross!’ before Beel settled for patting your head one last time and eating quietly

Belphegor

He’s another one that’s hard to steal from

You’d think it’d be easy since he sleeps all the time, but Belphie really only wears 10% of the clothes he buys

Yes, he’s a pajama snob and has all things comfy and cozy, but hardly any of them smell like him because he falls asleep anywhere with little issue (no special clothes required!)

You thought about stealing his blue cardigan with the pocket, but he’s always sleeping in it!

Belphie picks up on your train of thought, and the frustration, because you fall asleep thinking about it. Dreaming about coyly stealing his cardigan and being all cute and snuggly in bed

It’s enough to wake him up, shuffle to you, and break your sleep. He flops down on your bed with his cardigan unbuttoned and says ‘climb on’ while patting his chest

You’re obviously sleepy and confused and he loves it. Belphie slides you onto his chest and wraps his arms around you, resting bits of the fabric on your back as you settle into him

It’s not the same but it’s close enough

Would you be offended if he got you cow pajamas so he could snuggle you like his favorite pillow? He falls asleep wondering about the answer

He wakes up to see that Beel has covered the two of you with his favorite blanket.

You in his blanket? Against him? Slowly smelling of him and his clothes? It’s the best thing to fall asleep to.

Makes a joke out of your clothes-stealing quest by stripping one of his pillowcases off and putting you in it like a little sack. You have to stay on his bed now because you’re his pillow and all pillows stay on the bed.

“What? You wanted to smell like me! It’s something I use!“ Belphie defends as you wonder whether or not you like this human pillow thing while he snuggles you.

[zenithlux]

Tendrils of Regret - Part 5

Read the story on AO3 here!

The next week and a half went by awkwardly. You and Vergil still went on missions together, mostly because Dante was ecstatic that you’d managed it and you really didn’t want to let him down. But you barely talked to each other more than the occasional quip or piece of needed information. Vergil seemed less willing to compete with you, killing everything quickly and leaving the bodies for you to choose between. You barely got to use your powers when he was around, something that even the vine seemed to be upset about. The pinpricks against your heart had gotten worse, and the only way to deal with it so far had been heading back out to the greenhouses. The owners called you a miracle worker, but you made sure they were never around when you worked your magic. 

You’d also slowly removed yourself from the denial phase, and now fully believed that the V you knew was never coming back. It was a tough thing to accept, especially when you continued to dream about him almost every night. But after Lady and Trish finally came clean as to what actually happened around the Qliphoth Tree, you believed them. Vergil was V. A much harsher, less compassionate V. And you had to accept that. 

It didn’t stop the grief though, as much as you thought it might. 

So when you woke up feeling particularly down on a dreary Saturday, you weren’t surprised. 

Early on, you decided just to stay in your room. You figured Vergil wouldn’t care. In fact, you assumed he’d be relieved when you didn’t show up at your usual leaving time and just head out on his own. You did try to do something with your time, whether it be reading or writing or just… anything else. But you kept finding yourself right back in bed, staring either at the ceiling or the back of your eyelids for hours on end. And you supposed it was about time for something like this. You’d been in denial for so long that it was inevitable, really. And now that the nightmares had returned, you wondered if you’d ever get another good night of sleep again. 

At one point, you glanced at the bracelets still adorning your wrists. You hadn’t had the heart to remove them, nor did you know what to do with them. You promised to hold onto them until he returned. Technically, he had. But you had a feeling Vergil wouldn’t want one. He’d never want it. Of that you were certain.

When 2pm hit, you were surprised by another quiet knock at the door. 

You stared at the wilting blue roses in front of you. The rest of the plants were in an equal state of disarray, fueled by your terrible mood. You’d be able to fix them once you felt better, but there was nothing you could do about it now. You had yet to take a shower, nor had you changed out of the pajamas you’d been wearing for the last day and a half. You really didn’t even want to answer the door, but you didn’t think you’d be able to pretend you weren’t there either. The brothers alone could probably sense you, even if Trish wasn’t home. And the only person you’d heard leave this morning was Dante. There was a chance it was Trish or Lady, but you just had a feeling. You’d been around Vergil long enough that you could practically sense him now. You didn’t know if it had something to do with him being your vine’s “master” or not. It really didn’t matter. 

Finally, you sighed and forced yourself up right. You flicked your hand and one of the vines wrapped around the knob and jerked it open. In stepped Vergil, dressed as immaculate as ever. Not a hair was out of place, and you wondered what he’d been doing all morning. Probably reading. You were convinced that was all he ever did when not killing demons or arguing with his brother. “Are you going to lie around all day?” He said. 

You glared at him as you reached for a pillow. “If you have nothing good to say I suggest you leave.” 

You heard him sigh as you rolled away, wrapping yourself up stubbornly in the blankets. “Your plants are dying.” 

You felt like crying, but held it back. “Thanks. I hadn’t noticed.”

“Which means you aren’t feeling well, yes?”

“Why do you care?” You said, refusing to look at him. “I thought you’d be happy without someone to pester you.”

You heard another sigh, followed by the door closing. What was his plan? Drag you out of bed and force you on a mission? Sit in the room until he intimidated you out of bed? What was the point in all of this? You wished he would just leave and so you could wallow the day away and hope you felt better tomorrow. But then, just as the silence was about to get unbearable, you felt something drop on top of the blankets. “Get dressed,” Vergil said. “We leave in 15 minutes.”

You flinched at the command, swallowing in an attempt to ignore it. “I’m not interested, Vergil.”

“I’m not asking.”

“Just go on your own,” You muttered. “You’ve proven time and time again you don’t need my help.”

“There aren’t any tasks today,” he said. 

“I’m not scouting either.”

“Get dressed,” he repeated. 

The vine twisted tighter in your chest, begging you to respond. You stubbornly ignored the pain. Instead, you lurched upright, awkwardly unwrapping yourself from the blankets enough to glare at him. “You don’t get it do you?”

“If I don’t intervene then you will waste the rest of the day away.”

“And maybe that’s what I need to do.” 

“But is it what you want to do?”

“Of course not,” you snap. “But sometimes life doesn’t give you much of a choice.”

“I’m giving you a choice,” He said as calm as ever. 

“Last time I checked,” You said. “You weren’t life.”

“I’m not asking again,” Vergil said, clicking Yamato. “You can either get dressed and come with me or sit there and waste the rest of your day away.” He left before you could respond, quite nearly slamming the door behind him. You glared at it for far too long but groaned when some of your plants bloomed back to life. Of course they would respond to anger. At least you knew you had the energy to fuel them. Maybe you could find the strength to get out of bed today. Or you could just ignore him and go back to sleep. 

But you found yourself… conflicted. Where could Vergil possibly take you that would make your day better that didn’t involve demons? Now you were curious, and you had a feeling he knew it. 

Curse that nosy, infuriating blue-devil. 

Finally, you got yourself out of bed. You were surprised to find that Vergil had tossed you a matching pair of clothes and your favorite jacket. Had he really been paying that much attention to you? Impossible. Even on jobs he rarely looked at you. Maybe he’d just gotten lucky with his choices. Regardless, you begrudgingly put them on, lacking the energy to find anything else, threw your hair up into a messy pony-tail and found one of your perfumes to mask the lack of a shower. At the end of it, you stared at yourself in the mirror, wondering if this was the right decision. You could still feel your bed pulling at you, but you were able to ignore it as you wandered down the stairs where Vergil was waiting. 

“So where are we going?” You said. 

He cut open a portal and stepped aside. “Go.”

You scowled as your feet twitched, aching to follow the command. “You’re terrible at this “avoiding accidental commands” thing today.”

“They’re not accidental,” He said. “Now go.” 

“Asshole,” You muttered as you found yourself unable to ignore his summons any longer. You stepped through the portal as miserable-looking as possible, but your mood perked when you saw where he’d taken you. “An animal shelter?” You said as he stepped out beside you and the portal snapped shut. “What are we doing here?”

“Dante has agreed that the shop could be a bit more lively for days that you might be home alone.” He glanced at you. “Something that isn’t fully dependent on your moods.”

For some reason, you found yourself excited. “We’re getting a pet?”

“You are, yes,” Vergil said. “Morrison has taken care of all the paperwork. You just need to pick the one that suits you.” He crossed his arms. “A quiet one, preferably.”

“Is that a command?”

Vergil sighed. “No. It’s entirely yours to pick and take care of.”

You rolled your eyes. “You got it, dad.”

Vergil scowled, but you just laughed as you made your way across the street. “Are you coming with me?”

Vergil’s eyebrow shot up. “You want me to join you?”

You paused. “It’s probably best that you do, right? Not every animal will feel comfortable around a demon, so we should probably find one that is.”

Slowly, Vergil nodded. “I suppose that makes sense.”

“Is that a compliment?”

He huffed as he walked by you, but you were quick to catch up. As the doors opened, dozens of smells almost overwhelmed you. A dozen sunflowers nearby started to grow, but you caught yourself and shrunk them again before anyone noticed. A short brunette grinned at both of you from behind the counter. “Welcome!” She said. “Here for an adoption?”

“Yes,” Vergil said, slipping past you as he reached into his coat and put a stack of papers on the table. 

The woman looked them over quickly and nodded. “Anybody in particular you’re looking for?”

“Cats,” You said. Vergil glanced at you in what might have been surprise, but you were too excited to care. “Something that loves to cuddle and play, but can also spend some time alone while we’re at work.” 

The woman nodded again. “I always love helping couples pick out their first little buddy.”

You blinked. Vergil stiffened beside you. “Oh no, it's not like that.” You said.

The woman chuckled. “It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone.” She winked as she turned away, leaving you flustered. Vergil just rolled his eyes and followed after the woman. You rushed to catch up to them. “No really, it’s…”

“Stop,” Vergil said. You froze in place, glaring at him. “Not like that.”

“How else is one supposed to stop?”

He sighed in annoyance. “Stop… stopping.”

You let go of a breath as your body released. “Stop doing that.”

“It’s harder than it looks.”

“Clearly,” You walked past him, but your irritation faded the second you stepped into the kitten corral. Various pitches of meows greeted you as numerous kittens moved toward the front of their cages and peered at you. Some ignored you completely. Others were playing with each other. You followed along the sides, peering at as many kittens as you could. “They’re so cute!” You breathed. 

“You’ll probably want an older cat,” The woman said. “You’ll find those over here.” 

On the way, you stopped at a certain cage, your heart swelling the second you saw the black cat inside. It was alone, curled up in a ball and purring as it slept the day away. But all you could see was a smaller Shadow, waiting for you to take him away. “Hey little guy,” You whispered, reaching your fingers through the cage to gently pet its ears. The cat’s eyes opened, but he just eyed you curiously, his tail flicking back and forth. 

“That’s one of our new arrivals,” The woman said. “We’ve been calling him Shadow.”

“Can I hold him?”

“Of course!” She said as she opened the cage. “He’s incredibly calm and quiet. I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t been adopted before now.” She gently pulled Shadow from his cage, handing him to you. The cat purred as you held him like a baby, scratching behind his ears.

“Vergil!” You said, turning toward him. You were surprised to find that he was waiting in the doorway, eyes locked on you. After a moment, you moved toward him, holding Shadow out. “What do you think?”

“He’s your pet,” Vergil said. “I don’t…” He trailed off as you shoved the cat into his arms. Vergil’s eyes widened before moving back to the cat himself. The creature sat up in Vergil’s arms, eyes meeting his. You swore you saw Vergil melt just a bit. His shoulders relaxed. His gaze softened. For the briefest of moments, you could imagine V standing there, smiling as he cradled the cat with the same fondness he’d given his familiars. You shook your head, dispelling the image. Vergil wasn’t smiling, but his mouth was surprisingly agape, and you wondered what he was thinking. Did he even remember Shadow? Surely something so important to his human self would have remained in his head. But he hadn’t remembered you, so nobody but Vergil knew how all of that worked. 

But you’d never seen him like this. Relaxed. Slightly surprised. Guard down. He’d always been so uptight around you, especially after the greenhouse incident. But this was more… V like. A man that didn’t care what people thought of him and wasn’t afraid of his own emotions. 

“Vergil?”

He snapped his mouth closed and his muscles returned to their original rigidity. He handed Shadow back before crossing his arms and leaning against the door. “It's your choice,” he said, but you heard a strange sense of longing in his tone. 

You looked down at the cat, only to see it staring back at you. “I think we’ve found our companion,” You said. This time, Vergil didn’t react to your wording. In fact, he almost seemed to relax. 

The woman smiled. “I’ll get the paperwork.”

  “Why am I not surprised?” Dante said when he returned home to find you playing with your new cat in the lobby. Vergil was reading on the couch behind you, but you hadn’t missed how his eyes had occasionally drifted to you and Shadow throughout the evening. Of course, he never asked to hold the cat again, and you knew he would never admit to wanting to play with him, but you knew he approved. “And let me guess. His name is Shadow. ”

“The adoption center named him,” You said. 

“But that is his name, yeah?”

You smiled as Shadow curled up into your lap, purring. “Maybe.”

Dante laughed as he plopped down at his desk. “And Vergil approved?”

“It wasn’t my choice,” Vergil said.

You rolled your eyes. “He’s said that a lot today.” You scratched behind Shadow’s ears. “But he didn’t complain when we went shopping for the toys, the food, or the crate. We got Shadow a bed too! So, I’d call that a victory.”

“Verge loves him,” Dante said as he kicked his feet up. “I can tell by the look on his face.” 

Vergil didn’t say anything, but you were more than used to that by now. “Well it’s a good time for us to get to bed,” You said, rising from your seat on the floor with Shadow in hand. The cat meowed as it yawned, approving of your decision. “When are we leaving tomorrow?”

Vergil’s eyes shot up in surprise. “What?”

“Well you have a plan, don’t you?” You said, nuzzling your cat. 

“... I’ll tell you in the morning.”

As you climbed the stairs, you heard Dante laugh. “I knew this was a good idea.”

[ahouseoflies]

The Best Films of 2018, Part II

Part I is here. Let’s keep it moving. ENDEARING CURIOSITIES WITH BIG FLAWS

103. Zama (Lucretia Martel)- In this movie there's a motif of Zama, an officer of the 18th century Spanish Empire, starting a scene by talking to someone or staring at someone off camera. After a minute or two, the camera cuts to some servant and disorients us. There's a person there, always there, to serve him, and it doesn't really matter who it is. It's a brilliant way to get at the colonialism that the character depends on but is still trapped by. So I get a little bit of what the film is trying to do, but it's boring. I'm an ignorant person who doesn't know how to watch Lucretia Martel's films or have any context for South American history, but I know what boring is. 102. I Feel Pretty (Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein)- I like that Schumer tried something different instead of falling back on her persona, but there isn't enough new or interesting here for me to recommend--besides National Treasure Michelle Williams, of course. The film nearly displays "Do you see that she's turning her back on her real friends now?" on the screen. 101. A Simple Favor (Paul Feig)- At times cheeky and sexy and juicy, but it still wears out its welcome by twists ninety-one and ninety-two. 100. Double Lover (Francois Ozon)- Diverting until it gets silly, then so silly that it gets diverting again. There are about five too many twists, and I'm still unclear on how seriously the film takes any of those twists. More importantly, I don't think there's much of a takeaway from any of it. Ozon seems to have found a real muse in Marine Vacth though. 99. Borg Vs. McEnroe (Janus Metz Pedersen)- As a Shia Pet, I felt obligated to see his portrayal of Johnny Mac. I didn't learn anything that I didn't already know from this mediocre biopic though. Watch the documentary McEnroe/Borg: Fire & Ice instead. 98. Ralph Breaks the Internet (Rich Moore and Phil Johnston)- There's some clever visualization of the the Internet, such as the way that a link shuttles an avatar off in a transparent car or the way that shady newsboy types whisper about pop-up ads. And I liked a lot of the Disney tie-in stuff that critics are wincing at. As far as textbook screenwriting goes, it's great at that idea of making you think that the protagonists will accomplish their goal very easily, only to have them be re-directed to square one. The voice acting is top-notch. Why do these movies get so plotty though? I felt as if the internal logic started getting inconsistent about halfway through--at the same time that the first one got bogged down with candy stuff instead of 8-bit video game stuff. And if there are so many lovable characters from the first entry, why do we get such tiny servings of them here? The movie's too long already, but what I wouldn't give for an occasional cut back to Fix-It Felix raising some kids.

97. We the Animals (Jeremiah Zagar)- The Tree of Life is one of my favorite movies, and on its face, We the Animals is a really similar impressionistic memory. So why do I like it half as much? Are lighting and music that important? Is Jessica Chastain? Is latent racism? All I know is that this felt like a story I had seen before pitched at the same intensity for a running time I was happy to see expire. 96. Kodachrome (Mark Raso)- The three leads are all pretty good. (Ed Harris does this bashful, pulling-on-his-eyelid thing that killed me.) But with mathematical precision, the film matched each element I liked with another thing that infuriated me. Specifically, the whole plot hinges on one scene, and that scene is preposterous and alien to human behavior. 95. Deadpool 2 (David Leitch)- The pacing of these movies is bizarre to me; they're half-over before they really get started. No one else is bothered by the fact that Cable has no motivation or backstory for the first hour? Some of the connections to X-Men felt more forced this time around, but I thought this entry was much funnier than the first, even mixing in some more subtle visual gags. (The exotic locales montage ending in Biloxi really got me.) I have to give credit to the X-Force parachute sequence, which is audacious and unexpected. And clear out for Zazie Beetz, who is a huge star in the making. 94. At Eternity’s Gate (Julian Schnabel)- Something about Van Gogh was essentially unknowable, which is a great reason to make a movie about him and a terrible reason to make a movie about him. I'm not sure that Julian Schnabel got to the bottom of the man any better than anyone else has, though maybe that's an unfair expectation. To his credit, Schnabel yada-yadas the ear business and Van Gogh's death in favor of his more poetic understanding of the artistic life. The movie doesn't coalesce for me, but there's a banger of a scene between Dafoe and Mads Mikkelsen about the responsibility an artist has toward God. That short nested inside makes the whole thing worth seeing. The conversation I had afterwards with one of the two other people in the theater, an art historian, was a solid three stars. 93. Bohemian Rhapsody (Bryan Singer)- Some biographical movies do a good job of compressing time, and their supporting characters don't feel sacrificed or glossed over. For many other mediocre ones though, including this one, I submit the Three Scene Rule. Three scenes is kind of the minimum for a character to register an arc and for an actor to present any kind of dynamic performance, so in a lot of these true story movies, that's all that a supporting character gets. If you're looking for it, it's glaring. (Watch Hidden Figures again with the husband and boyfriend characters in mind. I'll wait.) This movie has a few characters that matter: Freddie Mercury, obvs; the other Queen members; Paul Prenter, the unfairly composited villain; and Mary Austin, the platonic love of Mercury's life. The movie spends way too much time on her, as if to tease the audience with the idea that Freddie might be straight. As for everyone else? Three scenes. Ray Foster, the record executive played by Mike Myers (!): A. "Look, guys, I like formulas. This opera stuff you're talking about? That sounds crazy." B. "The opera stuff is crazy. I ain't making that the single. You can walk out of here for all I care." C. [hangs head in shame after being proven wrong] Jim Hutton, Freddie's partner for the seven years this movie doesn't care about: A. "Look, pal, I may be a waiter, but you can't just grab me like that. On second thought, let's talk. You should learn how to love yourself." B. "Oh, hey. Glad you tracked me down, slugger. You love yourself now? Sure, let's go meet your parents." C. "Guess I'm your boyfriend now. Looking forward to the show." Freddie's Parents: A. "You go out every night! What are you doing out there? Why can't you be a good boy? What's up with your new name?" B. "Why can't you be a good boy? What's up with your new name?" C. "You're a good boy, I guess, even if you're gay. Guess that's your name for real." I like the idea of reproducing the Live Aid performance in full, and the movie comes alive during its musical sequences. But I wish that the same attention given to, like, the number of Pepsi cups on the piano was also given to the nuts and bolts of the storytelling.

92. The Predator (Shane Black)-  I get why other people don't like this. The final fourth feels obligatory, and it seems cut to the verge of incoherence. But if you don't get a little tingle out of a game cast saying Shane Black things like, "Predators don't just sit around making hats out of rib cages," then we are very different moviegoers.

91. Sorry to Bother You (Boots Riley)- I admire Boots Riley's ambition, the way he's taking many of the ideas that drove his music and channeling them into film. But there are too many ideas and, strangely, too much plot to cohere. I liked some of the jokes, especially the Robocop-py TV clips laced throughout. I think my main problem, however, is Lakeith Stanfield as Cassius. He's a fascinating actor, but his energy is completely wrong for an everyman lead like this. I don't think he was the right choice to carry it. 90. Thoroughbreds (Cory Finley)- The repartee at the beginning is sharp, and there are some engaging elements of style. God knows I've never complained about rich, sad, nubile brunettes with strange eyes. But there are pieces missing in that forest-for-the-trees way that happens sometimes with debuts. Like, how do these privileged girls not have access to a gun when our national nightmare is based on all young people having access to guns? Or what is the exact motivation behind the crime at the center? Lots of great characters have been spurred by a violent curiosity, but a zinger here and there doesn't make these girls Raskolnikov. 89. White Boy Rick (Yann DeMange)- Even if this isn't it, I think Yann Demange has a great film in him. There's some urgency to White Boy Rick's politics, and it looks interesting. If nothing else, it succeeds in making the surroundings seem as gloomy as the characters all acknowledge them to be. But this isn't a great film in either of its halves. It's motivated by plot until a crucial event that I don't want to reveal, then it veers much more into character. I would normally sign off on that, but this movie grinds to a halt in the change and never recovers. McConaughey pulls his weight, but Richie Merritt is pretty bad in the lead. 88. The Strangers: Prey at Night (Johannes Roberts)- Despite some striking images and a welcome lack of explanation for the menace, Prey at Night doesn't reach the heights of its predecessor, mostly because the characters are too paint-by-numbers. 87. Ant-Man and the Wasp (Peyton Reed)- Probably the first Marvel movie that would benefit from more action. Some of the material is genuinely funny thanks to Michael Pena and Randall Park, but I got a little drowsy during the middle hour of talk about phase-shifting and the quantum realm. Get back to making things big or making things little, Dr. Molecule! 86. Creed II (Steven Caple Jr.)- The pieces are there, but it's a problem when Jim Lampley, who has one hundred times as many lines as the fifth lead, explains to the audience what they literally saw an hour earlier. If nothing else, this movie proves, through his absence, how good of a director Ryan Coogler is. I would be lying if I said I didn't get the chills at some key moments. Stallone’s performance and Jordan's muscles are good. But there was a dark, honest way for this movie to end, and it went directly against that ending into something more Hollywood. 85. Let the Sunshine In (Claire Denis)- Like Taxi Driver if Travis Bickle just wanted the guy to get him a glass of water afterwards. The film does have that kind of myopic focus--the sexy, ever-candid Binoche is in every scene--but it's far more elliptical, progressing only through character, never through plot. Let the Sunshine In is unique in a way that is different from Denis's other unique works: No one talks like an actual person, and she acts as if you should know all of the characters instead of properly introducing them. It's not supposed to be funny ha-ha, so excuse me if that's what I wanted.

84. Revenge (Coralie Fargeat)-  like the style of this film, the color palette, the synth score, how far it's willing to go with the gore. But if it's called Revenge, and it's clear who the hero is (hint: not the rapist), then the whole thing feels like a fait accompli. We know exactly who's going to be the last woman standing, and we even know the order of the people she's going to kill.

PRETTY GOOD MOVIES 83. The Rider (Chloe Zhao)- This movie is trying to be a poem, but the parts I like the most are prose. It's a promising piece of filmmaking with heartbreaking moments, but I found it most effective when the storytelling spelled things out. It's an all-hands-on-deck independent film, so the amateurism of the piece shines through in the performances from non-professional actors. The relationship between Brady and his autistic sister is interesting because she speaks with that sarcastic cadence that can be learned from only children's programming. It's unlike what we usually see because, you know, she's a non-professional actor and real autistic person. So what do I know? 82. Unfriended: Dark Web (Stephen Susco)- Pretty tight from a storytelling standpoint and definitely grisly enough to get under the skin. But these laptop flicks move with such alacrity that it's hard to believe them whenever they ask you to buy something like love, since they paint it with the broadest strokes imaginable. Not that I would want a two-hour version of this anyway. 81. Juliet, Naked (Jesse Peretz)- Charming enough, arriving at a more realistic place than I expected, Juliet, Naked does nothing to make me revoke my charter membership in the Rose Byrne fan club. What an odd shape this film has though. The inciting incident happens at the hour mark, and it races obligatorily to an ending at an hour, thirty-seven. 80. Ocean’s Eight (Gary Ross)- It sets its marks and hits them adequately, with most of the charm that made the other Ocean movies fun. But there's something lifeless about Ocean's 8, both in the direction and the score. Take, for example, Richard Armitage's bland, sort of lost performance as an old flame/mark. It's such a nothing part that I began to think that it was a thesis: The men are just chess pieces, and they shouldn't take attention away from the women this time. But then James Corden emerges in the last half-hour and shines. So maybe Armitage was just bad and directed poorly? This movie exists for the Movie Star interplay though, and it delivers on that level. Cate Blanchett was good for so long that she's popular, and Sandra Bullock was popular for so long that she's good. Rihanna has to dress like a janitor at one point as a disguise, and she proves how absurd it would be for her to ever blend in. Anne Hathaway is the funniest of the bunch, balancing on a highwire of how big she's supposed to seem. Helena Bonham Carter gets the "and" hammer for all my credit fetishists. 79. Mary Poppins Returns (Rob Marshall)- I saw this on Christmas night with my family. The original Mary Poppins was the first movie my mom ever saw in theaters, and it's probably my wife's favorite. To the extent that insulting it is kind of insulting an important part of who she is. So I couldn't be the guy coming out of the theater like, "The Bankses definitely deserved to lose their house." Between you and me though, it's just fine. Entire sequences could be cut without damaging anything--do we ever come back to the bowl that Meryl Steep is supposed to be mending?--and most of the conflict feels manufactured. These legasequels always end up feeling like boxes being checked. We all know that the guys with the cannon had to come back, right? But some of the numbers are so joyful or stirring that even this grinch snuck a few smiles at his daughter as she pointed to the screen and said, "That's so silly." It's a good movie to see on Christmas night with your whole family. 78. RBG (Betsy West, Julie Cohen)- This movie is designed to make the viewer who would seek it out go, "What an American hero." It does that, I suppose, and there isn't a whole lot wrong with it. Yes, she is a very impressive person. But the film has too much untapped potential and too few teeth to recommend beyond that rubric of achieving its goals. For example, what about half of the population that would sneer at the notion that Ruth Bader Ginsburg is an American hero? Besides the inclusion of some radio clips over the credits, the filmmakers aren't concerned. "Look, she was friends with a conservative!"

77. Searching (Aneesh Shaganty)- Since I've seen thousands of movies that don't take place inside of a computer, there's still some novelty to the handful that do. On one hand, there are four or five twists too many, and the film isn't consistent with its own rules. On the other hand, it gets intriguingly dark for PG-13, and it never stops moving. 76. Uncle Drew (Charles Stone III)- The attitude toward women is retrograde, and to call the plot cookie-cutter would be an understatement. But this works, mostly because of the sunny, natural performances. Kyrie Irving, whose handles are even more of a marvel on a forty-foot screen, has to act through pounds of makeup, but he pulls it off. With only commercials to his name, he has to carry scenes of, like, standing at someone's grave and apologizing, and he has the presence and confidence to do it. I also should mention that Nick Kroll has a nothing-to-lose, galaxy brain performance for which probably zero of the lines were written ahead of time. "Shout-out to Oberto, shout-out to Aleve, the number one pain reliever in the game right now." I have to extend some of the credit here to Charles Stone III, who has made a calling card out of coaxing performances from newcomers. 75. Christopher Robin (Marc Forster)- Cute. 74. Unsane (Steven Soderbergh)- What seems to be a B-movie hitting its marks gets elevated by one fantastic scene that makes it seem timely and vital. I can't help but think Steven Soderbergh is punching below his weigh class though. I'm glad that an experiment like shooting a movie with an iPhone gets him up in the morning, and I know he doesn't want to make another Traffic or Out of Sight. But maybe, here's an idea, audiences might? 73. 22 July (Paul Greengrass)- The first thirty minutes are harrowing, in part because of their disciplined cross-cutting and Anders Danielsen Lie's chilling stoicism. The mistake that Greengrass makes is thinking that, later on, the three strands of story are equal in importance. He cuts away from the court case at its apex to see a kid trying to walk again or a prime minister demanding that his administration get tougher. Some moments are powerful, and Greengrass's composition and editing have mercifully softened, but this becomes a grind at a certain point. 72. Solo: A Star Wars Story (Ron Howard)- I hate to state the obvious, but this feels like multiple movies stitched together because that's exactly what it is. On one hand, we have the foggy opening, featuring an airtight inciting incident and setting up Emilia Clarke as that rarest of things in a Star Wars movie: a character with unclear motivations. But as the film goes on, it reveals why Han doesn't work as a protagonist. (Ehrenreich is bad, but the storytelling sinks the movie more than his performance does.) Everyone else in the movie drips with charisma and comments on the action while Han is left to connect the dots. In other words, the other characters get to be Han Solo, and Han Solo doesn't. By the time we get to the marauders, past the two hour mark of a movie that shouldn't have been more than two hours, the narrative crumbles under its own weight. These movies are way too competent to fail--I can list five or six moments that transcend the flaws--but each of these origin stories has a way of erasing the myth of Star Wars with a pen. 71. Bird Box (Susanne Bier)- This is a genre film that you've seen before in one way or another, so your expectations (and filmgoing experience even?) will dictate what you think of it. There's a metaphorical reading available, but that doesn't make the picture more artful automatically. Trevante Rhodes is a Movie Star. Here's what I can tell you: We need to appreciate John Gavin Malkovich while we can. Delivering the apotheosis of the selfish dickhead survivor character, he a) asks why the group can't stay in the grocery store forever, b) points shotguns at people when they try to let in strangers, c) drinks as he's telling people matter-of-factly that this is the end of the world, and d) (sort of) explains why he is the way he is. And-he-does-it-all-with-the-deliberate-cadence-that-you-are-doing-in-your-HEAD-right-NOW. I'm not saying the guy should win Best Supporting Actor or anything, but I admire his career more than any that would get a Best Supporting Actor.

[pets-of-our-lives]

Yes, I did it; I adopted another cat. More specifically, another Siamese. If you know anything about Siamese cats you might be wondering if I’m a little crazy. I’m still trying to figure that out myself. Now that I have two cats, I’m also considering the idea that I might officially be a crazy cat lady—but that boat probably sailed a long time ago.

To give you an idea of what my life was like before Chai (my newest cat), I’ll have to provide you with some more information about Mocha—my first Siamese.

Mocha

Mocha became a fixture in my life when I found her as a stray kitten in my backyard in Merced; as far as I know she was born sometime in June of 2014. As a kitten she was mostly white with just a few brown markings, and as she grew she became darker and darker. Once she fully developed it became clear that her markings point to the fact that she is probably a snowshoe mix. I wasn’t sure what she was going to look like because her mother was a calico and her father was unknown to me.

Shortly after taking Mocha in at just six weeks old, I moved to San Luis Obispo county and this is where she has grown up. As a kitten and teen cat Mocha truly was a handful. She has always been quite active and very independent; she frequently zooms around the apartment and rarely allows me to cuddle her. Over time I have learned how to handle her and have gotten used to her tactics and am no longer phased by her tendency to playfully attack my ankles and bite my hands in play. As she has aged she truly has matured and has become slightly more calm and cuddly. She still doesn’t like to be smothered, but she will crawl on my lap every so often to take a nap. I’ve grown to love every little thing about Mocha, but I am aware that she is not the easiest cat and some might call her grumpy.

Mocha has been like my only child for a very long time and until recently she was my only pet. However, in January I adopted a rabbit and I named her Essie, short for espresso. I’ve owned rabbits before but not while I also had Mocha. I knew what to expect from the rabbit but I had no idea what Mocha would think of Essie.

At first Mocha wasn’t sure what to think; she would approach Essie and smell her but easily get scared by Essie’s movement and run away to a safe distance. I don’t think she had any idea what Essie was and she wasn’t quite comfortable. However, it was only about a month later that Mocha became more comfortable and I was able to let them interact with less supervision. As time has passed their relationship has only grown and Mocha has become playful with Essie. Unfortunately, Essie isn’t a cat and therefore doesn’t play like one. When Mocha tries to chase her and bat her around, Essie simply sits there and passively looks at her. Mocha has never tried to hurt Essie but she has become even more playful and exuberant.

As Mocha has grown I’ve considered, on many occasions, about what she might think about having another cat in the house. Upon consideration, I recognized the fact that she has never lived with other cats and had been quite fearful of the foster kittens I had for a few days. When I did bring Chai home, Mocha’s reactions were what I expected but with time I hoped that she would gain more confidence and realize that Chai is not a threat and in actuality a great addition to her life.

The first night I brought Chai home, Mocha was definitely surprised. Her gaze followed his crate as I carried him in and followed me as I crossed the room. She responded with one hiss when she got one direct look at his eyes; she did not run away though. The rest of that night they were separated by a door and did not interact face to face. Nonetheless, I could tell that Mocha knew he was there and she acted visibly upset when she smelled his scent on my hands. Nothing went wrong and everything in those first 24 hours happened as well as I could have hoped; still I had a very stressful night and felt anxious most of the second day as well.

I can’t really explain my anxiety but I do know that it was mainly stimulated by my worry that I was hurting Mocha and that I was being a bad mother to her. In reality I knew she wasn’t hurt and that she was simply mildly irritated, but still I couldn’t stop myself from feeling excessively emotional about everything. To distract myself I tried to focus on the signs that proved Mocha was transitioning really well. For example, she never ran to hide, she still slept on the bed with me, and she still had a ferocious appetite. It would have been actually concerning if she had neglected any of those habits due to the extra stress. However, it was pretty clear that the first night had been more stressful for me than for either of the cats.

Chai, on the other hand, has handled the change especially well. His behavior has shown no significant change and he too continued to eat all of his food immediately. It’s pretty impressive that after all he has been through over the last month or so, that he has remained so calm and confident.

Chai

Chai—previously known as Big Fella—was brought to woods by a family member after being abandoned by his owner. Upon arrival at the shelter our vet staff noticed that he was in bad shape; he had very bad skin due to having fleas that were not treated. In fact they determined he had a skin infection. Furthermore, they found that he had a fractured canine and had entropion on his left eye. The beginning of his treatment started with being neutered and given an antibiotic for his skin. After recovering from his neuter, they decided to do his entropion surgery to correct his left lower eyelid. Prior to surgery his eyelid was curled inward and causing him pain whenever his eye lashes rubbed against his eye. Unfortunately, post-surgery Chai had to wear a cone to prevent any scratching at his sutures. He didn’t have to wear the cone very long though because his eye began to heal very quickly and he seemed in very good spirits. We found out later that he is actually partly blind in his left eye and will probably always look a little crossed eyed. Due to his quick recovery, he was made available on Tuesday, September 5th—I officially adopted him on September 6th.

I had been talking and thinking about him all weekend and when he became available for adoption I began to think about taking him home myself. It was something about the fact that he matches Mocha that made it even more tempting. I ended up putting a hold on him so that I could have more time to think about everything and also prepare my place. It was a pretty easy decision to make becaus ae I had already learned that he was an easy going cat. Overall, he is affectionate but not needy, and independent but not stand offish. His personality is the perfect balance and thus complements Mocha’s neurotic personality really well. Below you can see how similar they look side by side.

Chai

Mocha

As of today things are still progressing really well. They are interacting on a constant basis and Mocha is acting herself. Chai acknowledges her but he also doesn’t seem to care about where she is or what she is doing at any given moment; he truly just does his own thing. Today for the first time I saw him try to engage Mocha in play and it turned out all right. Initially, Chai came trotting over to Mocha and gently batted a paw at her and I don’t think Mocha knew what he was doing, so it startled her a bit and she hissed, but that was all. After he had passed I think she realized he wanted to play and you could see she wanted to play as well, but I don’t think she knew what to do. Later when Mocha was zooming around the house, Chai chased her and they began to chase each other back and forth. They weren’t physically touching but it was adorable to see both of them happy and engaging with each other. I am so glad I witnessed this interaction because it does give me hope about the future and I think they will become good buddies and playmates in the near future.

Mocha keeping an eye on Chai as he sleeps

  Bringing Chai Home Yes, I did it; I adopted another cat. More specifically, another Siamese. If you know anything about Siamese cats you might be wondering if I’m a little crazy.