#my 2016 self needs to express her Opinions and she will not be held back

[inkerii]

Okay I lied here are some more thoughts on the mlb movie including some actual criticism.

I was just listening to the soundtrack a little and I feel like? A lot of ~character~ is injected into the songs. I mean, it's a musical, it's how they work, characters burst into song when they cant hold back how they're feeling / what they're thinking anymore. But I feel like people who are calling the movie soulless must have just tuned the songs out when they came up, because without them yea, it kinda feels like its just going through the motions. But... It's a movie, so they cant have five million scenes of Mari being awkward, especially since they need her to outgrow it bc ~character development~ so these bits go into her intro song + her first outing as Ladybug. It's obviously stated in Chat's number that he was high off the freedom of being Chat Noir, which explains his cockier attitude towards Ladybug (which is? Not too unlike their dynamic in Origins pt 1 tbh, anyway).

(A detail I love is how in "You Are Ladybug", Marinette's whole point is that when things get rough she "makes excuses", which is a level of self awareness that I don't recall her having to that degree in the early show. At least in season 1, she'd always ALMOST do the things she wanted to, only to stop and second guess herself. I love the interpretation that it isnt just shyness or being frazzled and nervous in front of her crush, like the fandom interpreted, it's her ACTIVELY being aware that she's self sabotaging bc she's afraid of taking chances. It's such a fun little spin on her actions in the show. )

Like. It's all there??? It's in the movie???

Anyway.

Wanna see an ACTUAL criticism? What some songs imply just isn't represented as well visually, which makes the movie more confusing. Most notably Marinette's Sad Song after Adrien turns her down. If you actually listen to what she's saying, it feels like they skipped a few scenes, lol.

Like, listen to it, it's like she's saying she - as Marinette - isn't enough, just being the silly shy girl that she is. This is right after Chat confesses to be falling for Ladybug, but Adrien turns Marinette down. The song is implying that Mari went from not thinking she could be Ladybug to gaining confidence in herself (she's kicking butt as Ladybug, she's overcoming her shyness/awkwardness and making friends, she even managed to ask Adrien out, so its not like the old fic trope in which Mari always had a low self esteem and always considered LB to be perfect, she's getting better as a whole), to only now second guessing it all. Is only Ladybug, her more heroic, responsible side, the one people (boys, "both" of them) like? Is being "just" her softer, klutzier, dreamer self not enough?

It ofc leads into the final fight against Hawkmoth, and how Marinette is so down about it that she now thinks she NEEDS Ladybug to win. She still tries to save Adrien on her own with a last nudge from Tikki, and tho it isn't enough to keep Hawkmoth from getting to him, it's enough for herself. Like, she very clearly Has An Arc in the movie.

The thing is, it can get a little fuzzy because we don't really see this contrast between Ladybug's self assuredness and the parts of herself that Marinette prefers to identify with as a civilian, not if you haven't watched the show. The montage just skips throughout their "pound it!"s without lingering on her resourcefulness, her confidence, and how different Ladybug feels from Marinette. Like, it's there, but only superficially, and its hard to notice it unless you have the backstory from the show to back you up.

It's the same issue with Adrien's feelings towards Marinette, we know from the montage that Mari is special to him, we only ever see him open himself up about Emilie to her (when Nino is Right There and actively letting him know he can talk to him if Adrien wants to), and the end credits song (that seems to match the reveal in both melody and lyrics) basically states what we do know - that Mari is aware that Adrien is Chat Noir and was waiting for the right moment to tell him - and what we DON'T, which is that Adrien always felt a degree of familiarity and a special bond with Mari, possibly bc subconsciously he always knew (which actually calls back surprisingly well to the cut Wall Between Us number and how that poor catboy was SO confused). So he was and wasn't surprised at the same time bc OF COURSE it was her, of course the girls who held his heart on both sides of the mask were one and the same. Ergo the smiling through the tears.

But we don't SEE that, unless you take what the music numbers are saying AND you have watched the first season of the show (I am once again reminding folks that the movie was conceptualized during the season 1 hiatus). You don't SEE Adrien go from a slightly weirded out stranger to someone fondly amused at Mari's antics to blushing and shuffling awkwardly when their fingers touch when playing videogames. You don't see how LB takes control and appears to be a natural leader, heck, the movie does a better job with Ladynoir but it STILL doesn't match how it feels to watch it knowing things like Chat straight up being willing to die for Ladybug in Timebreaker or knowing they kiss once in Dark Cupid or how Chat keeps himself from peeking at who LB is in Lady Wifi. You don't have the Adrienette side of the square to explain some of those lyrics away and the Ladynoir Song(tm) or even the sparring scene, with all the implicit trust they gives us, don't hit as hard as they do with the proper context.

Some of it (Ladynoir) can be excused by it being a movie and having a much more limited runtime to tell a story, but others (Adrienette) just NEEDED a little bit more. Even if it was just one more scene showing how their civilian relationship has ALSO evolved.

That said, it makes me wonder, it's been ages but I loosely remember being told that the movie was supposed to show the origins of Ladybug and Chat Noir back in the day. I wonder if the things we see changed between series and movie (the power ups for instance, details like Nino always having a crush on Alya) weren't originally, and the movie was originally going to be released as both the beginning and the end of season 1, showing how LB and Chat met, revealing Gabriel as Hawkmoth, and concluding the love square shenanigans and giving us a reveal before setting up a season 2 in that post The End scene.

Mostly bc I've been watching season 1 again and if you take Origins out and ignore the smaller incongruencies as just edits reworked into the base story later in order separate the movieverse from the showverse as a way for Zag and Astruc to find a compromise... I'm using an old friend's personalized episode timeline instead of just the release/production order and you can SEE the development there. It's subtle but it exists, and it works surprisingly well.

If you look at it this way, the movie wouldn't need to show things like Adrien's modeling career and Gabriel's micromanaging (which in season 1 STILL works with movie Gabriel, especially knowing he gets obsessed to the point of neglecting his personal hygiene. He's distant and cold but not aggressive), so the show could explore that. The show could set up Adrienette and Ladynoir (and the other subtler sides of the square)'s base dynamics so the movie could do its thing by flipping the love square (had it had more time to properly show the Adrienette side. as I said above, its an actual issue with the movie) and resolving the tension. Even the earphones symbolism would hit harder knowing Adrien went through a whole season without them, only to falter and fall back into using them after LB rejects him.

Idk, I'm too fond of Origins to ever delete it from my heart, but I think its a fascinating concept to think about.

[whitehotharlots]

Elizabeth Warren is a weak candidate

It’s hard to believe it’s already been a year.

Last October, prospective presidential candidate Liz Warren stopped by the ur-#Resistance podcast Pod Save America, a program in which several former Obama staffers named John talk about which Gryffindor house Trump administration members belong to, and helpfully explain why Andrew Cuomo is actually way more progressive than Cynthia Nixon. They talked about how Trump had taunted Senator Warren by referring to her as Pocahontas, a cruel play on her claim to Native American heritage. Why, they asked, don’t you try and shut that bully up? Why not take this test from our eugenicist friends at 23 and Me? 

“By golly,” said Liz. “That sounds like a real dandy of an idea!”

Now… this is actually stupider than the mainstream narrative suggests. Because even though it turned out Liz had a smaller percentage of Native American DNA than basically every other American white person, simply taking the test reified an offensive precedent of blood quantum, which is more or less universally rejected among actual Native Americans. Even if it turned out she was 50% Cherokee and had little feathers floating in her piss, the entire spectacle still would have made a mockery of the intense, material struggles faced by Native Americans to this day. 

Now, normally on this blog, I’d go on for several paragraphs about how I don’t actually care about Warren’s heritage (I don’t), how it’s more important to note that she and the rest of the Democratic establishment only care about Native issues to the extent to which they can exploit them, how her refusal to take a stand against DAPL was not just concerning but disgusting, how she can write as many “Pow Wow” recipes as she pleases but at the end of the day she’ll just be another shitty Democrat who expresses solidarity with oppressed people but does nothing to prevent their water being poisoned or their land befouled. But that’s jumping the gun. We’ll only have to worry about being gravely disappointed by Warren if she manages to beat Trump in general election. And I’m sorry to tell you, but she doesn’t have what it takes to get that done.

Warren is a goon. I’m sorry, but she is. She can’t answer softball questions about her recent political history without coming across like a teen who was just caught shoplifting and has been asked why there’s Playstation-sized bulge beneath his shirt. (“D-did I support gay marriage? Well, umm, jeeze louise who can remember something like that? Uhhh. There might be notes? Maybe? But there isn’t. So, I… I guess, well, who can say, really?”)

Warren isn’t nearly as a self-certain as Hillary was, and that’s a problem. It wouldn't be a problem if she actually were a leftist and actually did plan on proffering material solutions to the material problems facing nearly every American. But she’s not. Policy-wise, she is somewhat better than Hillary or Biden. That’s fine. But that’s not enough. She’s already spent too much time courting the Democratic establishment and their corporate base. She knows, therefore, that when a dying cancer patient asks her if she supports Medicare For All, that she has no choice but to lie to his face, that she’s prioritizing corporate cash over helping suffering people, but she lacks Hillary’s soulless cruelty and so she can’t simply laugh away the man’s concerns as naive bro stuff. This causes her to stutter and panic, which makes her (rightfully) appear disingenuous. 

Warren’s plans are likewise a degree or two more progressive than what was being offered by Hillary in 2016. But they’re not straightforward. They are cloaked in the maddening layers of equivocations, loopholes, and means testing that have infected every Democratic proposal since the early 90’s. This is the unavoidable consequence of party seeking to appease two diametrically opposed interests. You can’t satisfy the profligacy of capital while helping everyday people. It cannot be done. And so Democrats rely on Rube Goldberg-style labyrinth policies to obscure this fact, to make it look like they’re trying to help when actually they’re not, they are at best attempting to add a little sugar to the arsenic so that we won’t fight back so much when they pour it down our throats.

Obama could pull this off. We all knew Obama was lying in 2012, but he was appealing enough to make us rationalize away his lies. Same thing with Bill Clinton. If you’re not old enough to remember, check out this debate clip. The man looked like he was going to crawl through your TV and fuck you, and most of us were cool with that. Hillary lacked this appeal. Warren lacks it even moreso. And, yes, I guess this is essentially affective and subjective--just my opinion and whatfor. But any soberheaded person should be troubled by the fact that Warren’s campaign as already absorbed the most viscerally annoying people from the Hillary campaign, and is already aping HRC’s most repulsive and alienating tactics.  

These are people like Sady Doyle and Amanda Marcotte: neurotic, celibate scolds who engage with politics primarily as a way to actualize their petty grievances and insecurities. These people are incredibly unappealing to everyone who isn’t immediately inclined to like them, which is about 90% of the American electorate. And this unappealingness has nothing to do with their gender or their physical appearance. It’s because they are liars who are running a manifestly cynical grift, and they don’t have enough charm or intelligence to trick voters into thinking they’re doing something else.  They are electoral poison, and their outsize presence with the Democrat establishment is a big reason why the Democrats get their asses beat so consistently even though they are supported unanimously by the American media and cultural classes. 

Their grossness was encapsulated very succinctly yesterday, in the misadventures of Ms. Ashlee Preston. Preston is a large black trans woman who works as an official Warren campaign surrogate. She took to twitter to do what these people do: lie about Bernie Sanders and his supporters. They need to lie, because they are working for a candidate who is manifestly more regressive and less electable than him, but they still want to position themselves as the most radical in the field. So she lied. She said that Sanders hadn’t done anything to support gay rights since the 70’s, and that therefore it was actually good that Warren voted for Reagan twice during the AIDS crisis, because that means she grew into her present woke state.

This was all par for the course. Liars lie. Preston is paid to lie. So she lied. 

Also par for the course: Bernie supporters asking her what on earth she was talking about, and doing so politely. And then, once again par for the course, the liar claiming to have been viciously harassed by Bernie Bros, which is meant to validate the lies that warranted the response--which actually wasn’t a lie since it was just, like, sarcasm that y’all folx was too hateful to understand. 

This process has been going on pretty much non-stop since the middle of 2015. Anyone who pays cursory attention to it knows what’s happening, but the weird rules of political decorum make it so we all have to pretend to take it seriously. But yesterday there was a twist. Preston, apparently, had a bunch of semi-coherent tweets in which she said all kinds of neat stuff about Mexicans and Asians. These got posted. She reacted by saying she was kinda sorry but also still right and that it was harassment to bring up that stuff. And… that was it. Cancel Culture’s denizens applauded her apology (a courtesy often provided to those who are willing to lie about leftists). She is still employed by the Warren campaign. The incident wasn’t discussed in any mainstream news sources. The outrage over her old tweets was actually co-opted to smear those who unearthed them. 

The simple observation here was made by hundreds of people online: if this were a Sanders surrogate, they would have been fired immediately, the affair would have been discussed on cable news, and it would have been held up as proof that Sanders should drop out immediately. And when I say hundreds of people posted something along these lines, I might be understating this. The duplicity on display here is manifest to everyone who isn’t on the take. Everyone can see how rotten this is. There’s no question about it. No argument to be had. I’m sorry to say, but this kind of brazen cynicism does not go over well with most voters. It is, in fact, incredibly alienating. The people who claim universal healthcare is inherently racist and attempt to ruin people’s lives for using imprecise language can’t just turn around and demand immediate ablution for their own hateful acts. Or… I guess they can, since that’s what just happened. But they shouldn’t be able to. And the fact that she was able to, so completely and so easily, proves just how much of a shitty fucking grift this whole thing is. You don’t need to be a genius to realize that. You don’t even need to be well-read. You just need to pay a little attention and possess a little bit of self-respect. And that’s why Warren is going to lose.

[alterniea]

Addressing Jett/Morgan/Vii/Momo

Addressing Jett/Morgan/Vii/Momo, known on tumblr as jettsettrolls, ppeacherine, maid-butterfingers, 7trolls, and many other deleted urls.   

In this day and age, I am extremely reluctant to make any sort of “callout” post. I do not believe in supporting the culture of tearing someone to shreds for something relatively minor that happened years ago. I would LOVE to have this disappear into the ether and never think of it again. In fact, I have been wishing for that for practically a decade. However, I have been pushed to my wit’s end repeatedly and have quietly faced having my reputation stained for YEARS.

This is not a callout post. This is a post to lay out my resources and testimonials from other people, to shed light on Jett as a person, and to perhaps set the record straight on some of her claims. I have not publicly retaliated before this. This is likely irrelevant information to all of my followers, but for me it’s important to organize. This post will mostly exist as a reference. I will add more if I have to. 

IN SUMMARY: Jett (real name Morgan) is a person who I have known for 10 years. She consistently publicly claims that I am an abusive predator and dangerous to be around, particularly around minors. This has repeatedly caused me to self-isolate or face the consequences of a damaged reputation. She does this without providing evidence other than her word. On the flip side, I have saved messages from people about how Jett treated them poorly and inflicted much of the same pain that she claims I caused her. 

GENERAL WARNING FOR ABUSE, SUICIDE, PEDOPHILIA, ETC. 

As of October 2019, Jett is still posting about me on her blog in juxtaposition with murderers and child abusers. She states to be against cancel culture, which is very interesting, given what follows in this post. She has built her identity around being a victim of my apparent mastermind. 

Here is recent post of her’s. She admits to attempting to “ruin” me to new people that I try to meet in the past. 

https://imgur.com/a/hLWkYJl

RECENT EVENTS: Admittedly, I am unsure of where to start on this. I suppose I’ll start by highlighting something that happened relatively recently. In March of 2019 I attempted to join an OCT that was hosted by someone who had heard Jett’s stories about me. The host contacted me with intention to ban me from the competition. What follows is a conversation where I briefly recount my entire relationship with Jett. Make note of how the host says they “loathe her” and that Jett “victimize[s] herself”. 

https://imgur.com/a/ygRshvF

Upset about the outcome of this conversation, I went against my own statements and chose to speak to James (Revs). James states that he attempted suicide because of the way he was treated by people during the incident and that he was angry about the misinformation and punishment I was facing years later. This conversation contains very personal information and is posted with James’s permission.   

https://imgur.com/a/fly6jHW

In my conversation with the OCT host I mention that Jett deleted one of her fantroll blogs after being targeted by a post by Warrentrolls. Here is the post in question which provides its own links which I will also include. Please note that Jett admits to not having receipts and that her feelings are proof enough of my guilt. This was one of her many attempts to attack me without provocation. This happened in 2018.   

https://warrentrolls.tumblr.com/post/176858842147/warrentrolls-7trolls-someone-raised-a-rly

Also mentioned in Jett’s post is an unnamed minor. At the time of the incident four years ago, Jett attempted to message one of my minor friends out of “concern” for them. Their conversation was not recorded, but I have a recent (September 2019) conversation with mentioned friend where they recall their interactions with Jett and express their opinion on the matter. I have redacted their name. 

https://imgur.com/a/rELGtaM

From these recent conversations it’s obviously clear that misinformation and rumors about people spread because of Jett and last for many years. It’s also clear that she is not held in positive regard by the people who interact with her or know of her.  

PAST EVENTS: In these links you may see the name “Kayla” pop up several times. Kayla was a friend of Jett and me in 2015-2016. Kayla was one of the only people willing to listen to me when Jett decided to raze my reputation while the two were still friends. Jett targeted, isolated, and emotionally/mentally abused Kayla during their friendship, and blames me for it. 

Here is Kayla’s entire recollection of their friendship. She mentions me at the end and how Jett attempted to attack me and blames me for her own behavior. This was posted in September 2016. 

https://sta.sh/0jssy5m7srw

Here is a supplemental conversation between me and Kayla about the same topic. This was posted in September 2016 and took place in February 2016. 

https://imgur.com/a/xRAcFky

Here is the entire conversation between Kayla and Jett when they ended their friendship. This was posted in September 2016 and presumably took place in February 2016. Kayla has added context and commentary in italics. You can see how Jett was upset that Kayla was branching out and making other friends and decided to end their friendship after she realized she could no longer control Kayla. 

https://sta.sh/02b8rznk9i61

There are multiple other old conversations I have saved that I do not have permission to share, but they reflect that this behavior is not an isolated incident. There are other people in the fantroll community who faced similar experiences with Jett and when their friendships went sour they had to retreat in fear that Jett would smear their reputations like what she did to me. These people want their anonymity to be preserved, but they exist and their experiences matter.     

This is a small snippet from Jett’s perspective as of August 2018. Note her use of language to say that I “used” her to join the fantroll community and she then became upset when I formed other friendships. I cannot provide further context. 

https://imgur.com/a/KT4fwQD

I haven’t spoken to her for years and I have no desire to. I assume that there’s more incidents that I am not aware of. 

You may have noticed that I do not mention much about the events that took place when Jett and I first met, which was back around 2011-ish, when I was a young teenager. I outlined my recollections in my conversation with the OCT host. I’m not focusing on the very old stuff because I do not have any solid proof of the interactions, and, unlike some people, I know that feelings are not proof. I believe it would be disingenuous for me to spend a long time retelling a high school drama story with no supplemental material. 

That is not to say I am, or was, a saint. As a child I was very mentally ill and faced sexual abuse by an older man for many years. I am unable to participate in romantic relationships and have a very strong aversion to being touched. I have struggled with eating disorders and have attempted suicide twice, resulting in long stays at the hospital. It took me a very long time to come to terms with my past and it fills me with shame and guilt to admit or share anything about it. These events took place while I was still friends with Jett in high school, but were not related to her. My mental health has been stable for years now but sometimes it can be hard.  

IN CONCLUSION: I hate to make this post about something that should be irrelevant, old, and inconsequential. I do not like to be the person making a post about what someone did years ago. I have always tried to be conscientious about keeping inflammatory content off of my blog. I keep my head down. I second guess myself constantly and often isolate myself from my friends. I live in fear that if I leave my box and reach out to new corners of the internet, Jett’s influence will follow me. And it has. It still does. 

I invite you to form your own opinions and conclusions. Jett’s core belief that people, especially minors, should be protected from predators is something that I completely support and advocate for. However, her persistent defamation and crusade against me has gone on too long. I finally feel confident enough to say something back. 

To Jett, please be more aware of the damage you cause and stop blaming me when you hurt other people. Stop lying. You used minors like James and my friend to try and demonize me without considering how they felt about the situation. Now you get to see how they feel as adults. I’ve attempted to ignore all of this for years and faced consequences in private. I wish you well, but I need to say something in my own defense.  

[onisionhurtspeople]

Sorry I just ran into this blog, Lainey said on Twitter they're an ISFJ awhile back. I can see both them being an unhealthy INFP that thinks their Si is stronger than it actually is due to looping and them being an unhealthy ISFJ. They could be in an Si-Ti loop where they dont let new ideas in and believes their experience/conclusions are always correct without looking further than that for information. (1/3)

They’re also very tactful (auxiliary Fe) which makes them seem innocent and wanting group harmony instead of drama. An unhealthy Fe user sweeps issues under the rug to live in their ideal “peaceful” world. If an ISFJ is gripping, their inferior function is Ne. This may cause them to think of all the ways life could be and using it as an excuse that nothing could go wrong due to the likelihood (they think) of it in their life (ex. bringing 18-20 year olds into an unhealthy relationship, believing Onision didn’t cheat due to the fact many things could happen since there are infinite truths in the world and Si-Ti may think that their POV is the most correct from what they gathered). I can see INFP but I do want to see what you think of this. 

Sorry it took so long to respond! I knew this was going to be a long one, so I’ve been avoiding it because tbh you will never meet a lazier INTJ than me. I apologize in advance for the poor quality of this message, because my brain fog is really shitty today and I’m feeling not nearly as sharp as I usually am. My arguments will probably not be as convincing or wordy as they usually are.

Anyway, I believe she actually said she was INFJ. I remember because I was the one who asked her to take the quiz. >_> (Unless we’re thinking of two different incidences? This was, if I recall correctly, around the time that Billie had just left for the final time, so I want to say September or October of 2016.) Anyway–tbh, the fact that she got INFJ just confirmed to me more than anything else that she really was an INFP, because let’s be real, I’m pretty sure no INFP has ever existed who didn’t first mistype themselves as being an INFJ. (I’m mostly joking, but like.. only mostly.) Of course, ISFJs also frequently mistype as INFJs, so this is an idea worth exploring.

Anyway, I shall try to explain why I see her as an INFP rather than as an ISFJ or INFJ. I apologize in advance if you’re an INFP; if I end up saying anything rude about them, please understand that I’m not making disparaging comments about INFPs in general - I’m just evaluating Lainey, who is (I believe) a very unhealthy version of her type.

So, first and foremost: Fi. Sooo much Fi. But Fi in the most unhealthy way possible: incredibly self-righteous and self-absorbed, and excessively concerned with interpreting and relaying her own individualistic, unique identity to the world. She needs to be acknowledged for her differences. If you look back at all of the arguments she’s ever had with Greg on social media (in other words, the times when he says something that aggrieves her enough that she’s actually willing to confront him over it), they all have the same theme in common: they’re always about her feeling affronted because he invalidated her values or sense of self somehow. For example: the last fight they got in was because Greg referred to himself as being in a straight relationship, which offended Lainey because she interpreted that as him undermining her gender. I can think of a few other examples of their arguments on social media off the top of my head, and they all follow that same theme: Greg being insulted that she was hero-worshiping a musician who didn’t like him (also an Fi user); Greg arguing with her about eating fish; Greg calling her filthy because her room was dirty and she hadn’t cleaned it; Greg insulting her family (especially her mother and sister). When Lainey gets involved in Greg’s debates or ongoing feuds with other content creators (Jaclyn Glenn, Joy Sparkle BS, Blaire White, etc), it’s never to weigh in with her opinion, and only ever to express her irritation over them misgendering her, either accidentally or on purpose. When she’s rude and condescending towards her fans, it’s typically because they questioned her sense of self somehow (usually in regards to her gender, internal motivations, or relationship with Greg). It’s rarely in defense of anybody else, which I feel like would happen more often if she really was an Fe user.

I think the tactfulness and willingness to sweep things under the rug that you’re interpreting as being aux Fe may actually be a combination of Fi seeking harmony in relationships (high Fi users can do this too, just like Fe users can; the difference mainly lies in when, and for what reason, their feeling function becomes triggered when somebody crosses the line. For Fi users, this tends to be when something strikes a personal nerve or attacks and invalidates their character or sense of self; for Fe users, this tends to be when somebody rejects, abuses, or takes advantage of their warmth and care, or when somebody expresses a lack of concern for the collective (family, friends, neighborhood, club, church group, society, etc) - other words, selfishness. If you dismiss their overtures of affection after they’ve put effort into displaying warmth and consideration, then they may become offended when that same person then takes advantage of those polite gestures, or refuses to reciprocate them), and also Lainey just generally not caring enough to say or do anything to counter Greg that might rock the boat in their private life. 

Secondly: Ne. In Lainey’s case, her Ne is not as overt as I’ve observed it in other INFPs, and I’m not sure why this is. I apologize if this comes off as rude (and it really kind of is, but I don’t know how else to say this in a non-offensive way), but I think it’s really just because Lainey is an INFP of average intelligence, whereas most INFPs (that I’ve encountered, anyway) are in the gifted range, and so their Ne is much more readily apparent. Ne and Se share many qualities (being that they’re both Pe functions), including that they both have a preference for wanting to live life by their own standards, a strong dislike of feeling constrained or held back, feeling compelled to seek novelty (Se in a more physical, concrete way, and Ne in a more abstract, conceptual way), and wanting to learn through experience. Se and Ne both feel driven to be seen as cool–but in different ways. Se wants to be seen as cool in a more physical and conventional sense - for example, by being entertaining, or by dressing in a manner that is immediately impactful in a sensory way. Ne, on the other hand, wants to be cool by being unique, different, iconoclastic - it wants to be regarded as quirky and iconoclastic, cool for being “uncool”, if that makes sense. And so many INFPs are drawn to countercultures (hipsters, for example) who are unconventional, but still have a certain mystique and draw to them; and I definitely think Lainey fulfills that aspect of Ne.

Ugh. I’m sorry, my brain power is running low. Brain fog is super bad today. I think we both see Si in her, so I don’t think I have to explain that. Mainly where I see Si in her (especially in the form of Fi-Si loops) is her inability to let go of people from her past. She even did it with Billie: brought her back over and over again because she would find herself looking back on the good times, and minimizing the bad ones. She makes the same mistakes repeatedly because she reviews her memories of them (memories which are attached to emotional experiences), and feels compelled to relive them, no matter how painful they were. 

Please don’t make me write something for Te. My Te is all pooped out today. :C

Anyway, it’s lovely running into somebody on here who’s knowledgeable about the cognitive functions! =O I’m guessing you’re an INFP as well? Sorry for this shitty argument, I  might try to redo it in a few days when my brain fog dissipates a little.

Edit: I just went back to the the post; and yeah, she scored as INFJ-T on the 16personalities test (admittedly shitty and has nothing to do with the cognitive functions). In the comment section, I left a link on how to differentiate between INFJ and INFP, lmao.

Edit #2: Oh, one last thing: here’s a description of what a destructive INFP looks like from one of my favorite MBTI sites, Psychology Junkie. Doesn’t it remind you of Lainey?

Destructive INFPs are self-absorbed, self-righteous, and waver between being passive and extremely judgmental. They enjoy living in their fantasies, but care little for the practical realities of daily life. They may neglect their loved ones and family members and instead prefer to live in a world of their own making, in essence abandoning everyone who holds them dear. They may consider themselves more morally superior or “righteous” than others, married to their idealism to such an extent that any and everyone in the real world seems flawed and disappointing. They may retreat from the world and silently judge everyone they see. Over time, they may become increasingly harsh and condemning of people in their lives. They may become so obsessed with their own emotions and fantasies that they shun or berate anyone who tries to find a way into their hearts.

Healthy INFPs are extremely empathetic, gentle, and compassionate individuals. They care for the persecuted and marginalized people of the world, and strive to help them. They are honest and driven by their morals to live a life that adheres to their values. They are creative and insightful, slow to judge others yet holding themselves to a high standard.

Also, just for the keks, here’s the description of destructive ESTJs, the type that I suspect Greg is. (I do believe that he actually took an MBTI test and scored as ESTJ, which he hilariously tried to use to “prove” that he wasn’t a narcissist or psychopath. Really shows how much effort he puts into researching his “facts”.

Destructive ESTJs are dictatorial, aggressive, and controlling. They believe that they know what’s best for everyone, and that their way is the only way. They suppress their moral compass and disregard the feelings and values of other people in exchange for their own rigid views. They push forward to achieve their goals, but instead of taking time to reflect on their decisions, they steamroll over everyone in their path in order to accomplish tasks without considering alternate viewpoints or the moral implications of their actions. They may be loyal to a corrupt system or authority and suppress anyone who stands against that authority or questions it. They trust their own personal experience and disregard other people’s experience. They scoff at the emotions and values of others while they allow themselves to have their own temper tantrums and emotional overreactions.

Healthy ESTJs: Healthy ESTJs are hard-working, trustworthy, and loyal. They see the world logically and push themselves to live up to a high standard. They don’t ask other people to do things they wouldn’t do themselves, and they uphold traditions they see as morally right and effective. They are intellectual, practical, and usually outgoing. They are very supportive of their communities and families and want to make the world a better place.

(Source)

[imafantasticbaby]

2ne-sone for this Reply

girl you write novels just like me, I respect that. now, I just wanted to say that I do NOT believe he doesn't deserve to be blamed on things that have happened within his company. I will agree he needs to fix things when it comes to better management, better PR and honestly I think he needs to kick his brother out of the CEO chair and take back the title cause his brother is another reason for things being shitty at times. 

i want to address his comments he makes sometimes. The man is brutally honest and I agree he needs GD or CL to take their perfectly manicured and moisturized hands and get a good ole slap. he needs to think before he speaks and I think a major issue for this is that he doesn't go on the media enough to learn how to control his words. Yes he does Kpop Star and survival shows but those are shows where he is use dto saying such bold and harsh criticism. if he actually put himself on other shows like JYP does then maybe he will get the practice. but still he can also learn to fucking choose his words in a way he gets his message across but also doesnt set fire to a wound. hes an idiot for this i agree.

When it comes to Park Bom I am 100% in agreement girl, I am. she deserved better treatment and this long ass “self reflection” needs to stop. It shouldnt have started to begin with and I do hold a lot of blame on YHS for that. He should have made sure things went more smoothly and the recovery was handled better. However, I cant sit here and call him a horrible person because of it because We do not know the full story as too what happened behind YG doors other than what we see in the media speculations-- the media that started the whole damn thing. there could be things we are not aware of so I cant just assume when there are blank spaces. you know? Park Bom has come out herself with a Diray entry and twitter replies saying he is a good guy and takes care of her. So, what else can we do but believe her when she says it? i dont know but I do agree he should have handled it better.

With Minzy I have mixed feelings about her that are my OWN opinions. I respect everyone else opinions too. I just believe that if she stayed then YGE would have been able to continue with a 2NE1 comeback instead of getting discouraged and just giving up on them. They deserved better then that. 

When I mean individual dreams I mean, that Minzy wanted a solo debut, YG wasnt focused on that request at the time so she left. Her Dream for a solo to happen ASAP was not in sight for her at YGE at the moment. I do agree that this should have been delt with better and management should have planned better and worked things out to fulfill this dream because she deserved it. However, It was her choice to go and thats something we have to respect and YG did so by letting her make that choice. I do think they should have rearranged priorities better and started working on giving her the solo she clearly deserved but it didnt happen. and thats a all in all Company’s  fault not one man’s.

Now when it comes to CL and her American Solo activities-- you need to separate YG from it a bit because its not YGE that is handling it on the majority. CL has signed with School Boy Records which is an American record label established in 2007 by Scooter Braun through his School Boy Entertainment company that is also in parent with Universal Music Group. They have signed artists such as PSY, for his american promotions, Justin Beiber, the black eyed peas, and more. They are handling her American promotions and her Solo career there. YG is just getting benefits and also paying them to do so. So because of that, you cant just blame YG for her solo delay. You just cant. if there was anything you could blame YGE for in regardless to this is maybe they need to kick Scooter’s  ass and tell him to hurry up.

Also, yes I am aware that Yang Hyun Suk is the biggest share holder of YG, i mean he is the creator and owner after all. but besides him Naver has majority as well. and has a lot of power and influence in the company. You gotta make your investors happy you know? or they can pull their findings. YHS does have power, I agree, he does have  influence, but he still has to take ideas and orders from his investors and all. and if it comes down to it that they want this thing or they walk then YG has to fold unless he wants to lose billions of dollars in funds.

Yes he is a higher up as well, but hes ONE person and just because hes the founder and owner doesn't mean hes the controller on every detail. there is a Board of directors whether people want to believe it or not and there are votes being held. its how a company runs.

Now I am not appreciating how you think im supporting hate on Park Bom and that I would just go to her and say  “Shit happened, its life.” you take a phrase I used in my post and just create a while thing around it because you are upset with my feelings on the matter. I wouldn’t NEVER do such a thing to her when I agree she CLEARLY deserved better treatment.

Also, im just gonna add that most statement links that get thrown at me are a PR team responding on queue. and then you have the link where YG gives his own thoughts. did you even READ the words? you completely missed his meaning. just like you are completely missing mine because you are a dedicated blackjack ( just like I am. I mean I worship them and support them like crazy and cried for weeks after they disbanded-- but anyway-- ) who is quickly upset when you see a sentence or phrase that sounds horrible against them.

Yes he said  “ What led to the decision to disband the group was the state of Park Bom’s mental health, After ‘the incident the criticisms we received were endless. But in addition to the stress and guilt from that, I’m sure Park Bom would have felt a strong determination to continue 2NE1. I told her, ‘2NE1 is important, but I wish for you to be healthy, both mentally and physically.” 

Now if you actually READ that and understand that he is saying that after the scandal broke out they were SWARMED with ENDLESS hate and most of it was Thrown at Bom. Depression hit for her and she needed a break-- a break that is going too long I agree-- and he reassured her that 2NE1 is important but he wants her to not push herself and do some self care. She was probably constantly crying because of all the hate she was getting and wasnt stable enough to work in the studio. I mean dont you feel like its impossible to do anything after an anxiety attack or something? He was concerned for her and im glad he gave her rest. BUT NOW ITS TIME FOR HER NOT TO HAVE IT. ant to be honest. I believe he had started to end her break. MAMA 2016 happened, the return of Park Bom for a short while. I believe that Performance was a statement to show that she is here and she is ready to PLAY......but then shit hit the fan with Minzy leaving, CL’s american promotions, BP;s Debut and other things and in the end a unanimous decision was made.

But it's not necessarily completely over: “You never know what can happen," he added. "It’s possible they’ll get back together like S.E.S. It may not be as long of a break [as S.E.S], but I’m thinking there’ll be a day when the reunion happens.”

This quote gives me hope that YGE will look to them once again once the time is right and if you cant believe that then thats fine. its your choice, but I will continue to have hope.  

Most of your points where not even ANYTHING I was talking about in my post and you assumed things that you thought I was meaning when I was NOT. 

“You’re assuming that the issues within the company and regarding it’s artists are not all YHS’s fault. In contrast, I’m assuming that a large percentage of the issues are his fault, considering the amount of clout he has within his own company. But here’s the kicker: we will never know if either of us are right because YHS can never give a straight answer.”

One, I agree that YG holds blame on things. I NEVER said he things are not all his fault. I was just expressing that a LOT of hate he gets on the majority is uncalled for. but YES there are a lot he is called for. 

YES I agree. we will never know  the full truth because YGE does not give detailed straight answers, and that might be a reason for it that could be completely understanding, whether its that they just dont want to let the issues carry on or that they are trying to deal with it peacefully without the media knetz gluing themselves to the front door..

but because of this fact we shouldn't be QUICK TO JUDGE and get upset. we are only seeing glimpse of things and we are getting frustrated. we need to breathe, step back and try to understand instead of immediately attacking cause we assume or feel some type of way. 

I was angry when I heard the news of 2ne1, but I didnt start attacking. I did research and I listened to all opinions and monitored Bom and Dara and CL just like all other Black Jacks did. and this is how I got to my conclusion.

whether you agree with me or not, thats okay. you have your feelings, I have mine.

[littlefaerose]

the cause is the cure

WHO: Marley Rose (ft. Olivia Wisteria)

WHEN: August 19th, 2016

WHERE: Avicenna greenhouse

WHAT: Olivia is disapproving of Marley’s unorthodox solutions to her problems, per usual.

WARNING(S): mentions of bodily injury and implied tree-related violence

“See, look! They’re starting to heal over,” Marley insisted, turning to show the length of her arm to Olivia. Underneath the concentrated rays of the sun lamps in the greenhouse, what had been deep grooves cut into her skin, winding up from wrist to shoulder, were finally closing up. The affected glamoured skin was still colored with an angry shade pink and blooming green, but it wasn’t bleeding anymore. It was healing. Olivia didn’t seem too impressed, however.

‘I told you not to keep going back to your room and that tree!’ she sighed in frustration, dropping the arm in her grasp as she returned to pacing. ‘That thing has a mind of its own. It wants to hurt you!’

“But what I’m doing is working!” Marley argued, moving to stand back under the lamps. “That thing is smaller. You could see that, couldn’t you?? It was smaller when you got in there and pulled me out-”

‘I couldn’t tell. I was a little too busy saving your ass,’ Olivia glared. ‘I don’t understand why you can’t just bite the bullet and have someone come professionally remove that thing.’

“Because!” Marley sighed herself, struggling to put her thought process into words. “Because we already know that hurting the tree hurts me. Who knows what would happen if they tried to uproot it?? And besides, I think I’ve finally figured out how to shrink it down myself.”

‘How? How, Marley?’ Olivia asked, exasperated. ‘How are you going to take down a near-sentient tree that goes berserk every time you go near it?’

“August 7th.”

‘... August 7th?’

“Yes. August 7th, 2016. Does that date mean anything to you?”

‘No.’

“I know it doesn’t. But it does to me.”

‘Why?’

“Because.” Marley blew a breath out, chewing the inside of her cheek. “Because it’s a day that changed me. A day I can’t take back, and a day I’ve been trying hard not to remember.”

Olivia frowned slightly. ‘Why?’ she asked.

“Because sometimes it hurt too much to remember.”

~*~

She lingered in front of the desk while the woman behind it adjusted the glasses on her nose and skimmed over a small packet of paper clipped together. The corners of her lips slowly gravitated upward, her head nodding as she flipped through page after page.

‘This is great,’ Professor Larkspur agreed, turning her smile back to the girl before her. ‘You said you wrote this for one of your Naturalization courses?’

“Yes, the one on Sex, Gender, and Society,” Marley nodded, taking the paper back. “I hope it’s okay if I use the material and expand on it for my extra credit paper for your class?”

‘I don’t see why not. I’d love to read on how your views on the matter have evolved after taking my class.’

Larkspur turned away then, shuffling papers together to put into her bag. A beat passed, and Marley still hadn’t moved.

‘Is there something else, Miss Rose?’ she asked.

“Yes, actually... I wanted to get your opinion on a matter,” Marley replied, putting her paper back into her bag. “A... relationship-related matter.”

‘Ah... well, let’s hear it!’

“Well... okay, so we’ve had discussions in class on dating,” she said, setting her bag down and perching on the desk opposite Professor Larkspur’s. “And I’m not a stranger to dating. Not really. I mean... I’ve had... something. Or a few somethings, in the past. And for a really long time I haven’t had a something, because I had other important somethings to do-”

‘Marley.’ Professor Larkspur chuckled, giving her a bemused look. ‘Go ahead and spit it out.’

Marley blew out a breath. “Okay - I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think I might be ready to try again. Nothing serious, just... casual. But there’s a problem.”

‘Oh? What kind of problem?’

“Like a past relationship problem.”

‘And why is it a problem?’

“Because... well...” Marley hemmed and hawed until Larkspur gave her another look. “Because I don’t think the door is completely closed on this past relationship. Like some days, I think we’re good and we’re just friends. And then the next, we’re not just friends. And I keep thinking that maybe... maybe someday, we’ll be more than friends again.”

‘And it’s keeping you from finding someone else to be more than friends with.’

“Yeah, I guess.”

Professor Larkspur sighed, taking off her glasses and rubbing the bridge of her nose before leaning forward on her elbows to regard the much younger fae before her. ‘Alright. I’m going to be frank and honest with you. Is that alright?’

“Of course.”

‘Then let me first say this - I’m well aware of the other important ‘something’ you’re talking about. Your responsibility, to your sisters,’ Larkspur nodded in her direction. ‘It’s a rather weighty decision, choosing whether or not to stand with the general concensus of the fae. It’s not one to make lightly, no matter which way you go, and either way, it can still have an impact on other things... like your relationships.’

She rose from her chair then and moved to the front of her desk, leaning back against it.

‘I know you have pressures from all sides, people telling you what to think, what to do, what to believe. It can be difficult to know what is true, and what is best for you yourself. First and foremost, I would encourage you, in all things - do your research, know all the facts and all of the options, but ultimately make your choices based on what is good for you.’

Marley shifted a little uncomfortably. This wasn’t exactly the talk she’d come for. Thankfully, Professor Larkspur moved on.

‘With that being said, you’re young. You’ve got the whole world and a lifetime of opportunities, of experiences, at your fingertips... but when you put more of your focus on the ‘maybe someday’ of life, you risk missing out on the here and now. What’s ready and waiting right in front of you,’ she explained, her expression softening. ‘I’m not saying that ‘maybe someday’ is not a possibility. Anything is possible in a world like this. But waiting around for ‘maybe someday’ may mean missing out on something, or someone, truly great.’

“So... you’re saying I should let go of ‘maybe someday’?” she asked.

‘I’m saying it wouldn’t hurt to close the door and start looking for that open window instead,’ Larkspur clarified, smiling. ‘And if someday that doors re-opens and you’re ready to walk through it? Then great. But don’t limit yourself by sitting there and waiting for it to open wide to you.’

~*~

‘... I don’t get what you’re trying to get at here,’ Olivia huffed. ‘Letting go? Closing doors? How is that supposed to help your tree problem?’

“Facing the fear and doing it anyway,” Marley quoted... well, herself. Technically. Her doppel-self had said it, so close enough. “I’ve been scared and reluctant to let go of things in my past. I’ve been scared to face things about myself, and all of that stress, that anger, that frustration? It made that monstrous thing start growing. I made it start growing.”

‘So?’

“So... shouldn’t it make sense that I need to face all of that to make it stop growing?”

Marley left the bath of warm light to close the distance between herself and Olivia. She stopped long enough to pick up the gnarled, twisted root that had clung to her arm when Olivia pulled her out of her room moments earlier, and held it up for her to look at.

“You see this? This is the root I pulled out of the floor while I was in there. While I was facing - August 7th,” she waved her free hand in a non-committal gesture. “I had to face the memory of that day, and every day that tied into it, and I had to accept that that chapter of my life is over. Long over. That I want and need to move on from it. It was only when I did that, that I could pull this out of the floorboards, and the tree shrunk. I swear it did, Liv.”

Olivia yanked the root out of her hand and tossed it aside. ‘Marley, are you listening to yourself?? You almost got mauled! AGAIN.’

“But what I’m doing is working! I could really be on to something! And if I had help-”

‘No. No no no,’ Olivia furiously shook her head, ‘I’m drawing the line, Marley Rose. I can’t keep being involved if you’re going to insist on willingly putting yourself in harm’s way instead of being reasonable about all of this.’

“But Liv-”

‘I can’t. I won’t,’ Olivia emphasized, pushing past her for the exit.

“But I need you!” she shouted after her, “I can’t do something like this on my own!” She huffed out a breath of disbelief as the door to the greenhouse opened and promptly snapped shut. Sure, she’d expected some resistance but a flat-out ‘no’? It felt like as hard a blow to the gut as she’d gotten from the tree. What ever happened to asking for help?

She pursed her lips, hugging her arms to her chest as she turned back toward the abandoned sun lamps. The cogs were still turning inside her head, Olivia’s refusal aside. If she wouldn’t help her...

... well, someone else might, right? Maybe more than one someone. She just had to figure out who and how.

[la-liga-zine]

Memory and Film: A Conversation with DIY Filmmaker Caitlin Diaz

At 28, Caitlin Diaz has had the privilege of working with world-renowned clients as a colorist, archivist, and filmmaker, amassing an impressive body of work that shows her nuance and passion for working behind the camera. She currently lives in Los Angeles, working freelance on various projects from her home studio, but her heart is and has always been rooted in the Rio Grande Valley region of Texas. As her "source of inspiration and security," Caitlin recently undertook her most arduous and personal project yet: an independently produced and financed feature film based in RGV about women and transformation. In our interview below, we trace Caitlin's deep connection to her hometown, her experience as a woman of color in the film industry, and the power of DIY culture.

Mia Rodriguez: You’ve said that your work “explores the state that is commonly and absurdly called existence.” What does it mean to you to exist in the modern world as a Latinx?

Caitlin Diaz: Existing in this world is very layered and I try to retain as many experiences as possible, good and bad. Being a Mexican-American woman from South Texas plays a huge role in my life and how I perceive the world around me. Living authentically is always my goal--being resilient, sincere and compassionate all at the same time. It’s a difficult balance, especially as a woman of color, but (in my opinion) necessary to strive towards.

MR: As a colorist and archivist, a lot of your work is intrinsically nostalgic. What are your earliest memories of film, color, and capturing memories? Was it a hobby that developed into something more?

CD: Nostalgia definitely is the spark when conceptualizing a new project. All of my films pull from the past to help me understand the person I am at the current moment. We’re constantly in flux. Memories help bind the chaotic nature of my evolution as something constant, something I can always go back to. I’ve always been interested in knowing more about my family history, cherishing the stories that my grandparents, parents, tías and tíos share with me. So I hoard old family photos, record the stories and digitize any and all home movies. I’m obsessed with the past: the idea of what was once there and now isn’t, how things (and people) have changed. It continues to fascinate me.

MR: Your work ethic and aesthetic eye have allowed you to work with big clients such as The Estate of Ana Mendieta, Calvin Klein, Swarovski and artists like Nick Jonas, Enrique Iglesias and Beyoncé. What was it like the first time you saw your work shared with the world in such a big way? What did working with these brands and artists teach you?

CD: My work ethic is a direct correlation to me being a woman of color (morena) in an industry dominated by white males. I’ve always felt that I had to prove I belonged, that I was capable. I'm not afraid to ask for help if I need it. I think it's important to know and accept your limits. Many times I've been thrown into a project with no prior knowledge, so I must ask questions in order to do my job properly. I love learning and hate when things get too routine.

When I began working in LA, I was exposed to a lot of new workflows and machinery. I learned so much from my colleagues and developed really great relationships and valuable skills. My favorite job quickly became film restorations—every step in the process requires an incredible amount of attention to detail. It’s a match made in heaven because I’ve always been attracted to methodical processes. The most rewarding aspect of working on a digital restoration like the Estate of Ana Mendieta or Belladonna of Sadness is knowing that you’re a part of something larger: preserving the material for future generations to enjoy. 

All these projects have taught me to approach my work with a more exacting eye. Currently, I work out of my home studio as a freelance film colorist and editor, so organization is always my top priority. I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned from working on big projects is to not allow stress or frustration to take over. Sometimes when things go awry (hard drives failing) or you’re up against a tight deadline, it’s easy to get caught up the chaos. But when you step back and take a look at the issue from afar, you realize the pettiness of worrying and you’re usually able to find a way to solve the problem.

MR: Recently, you’ve entered into the post production stage of your first feature film, Puras Ilusiones, which takes place in a fictional town in South Texas, part of the Rio Grande Valley where you grew up. A favorite critical theorist of mine is Nancy Duncan who co-wrote a book called “Landscapes of Privilege,” in which she describes the connection between identity and place, landscape and memory. She says that “landscapes are integral to our identities,” describes them as “emblems of our individual and collective memories,” and that “threats to the landscape are often interpreted as threats to identity.” What are your thoughts on the landscape of the Rio Grande Valley? What does it represent to you? What memories of yours and your family dwell there?

CD: The RGV will represent my core being para siempre. The geographical and social landscape of the area is what drives me to explore this connection. I love the history of the area, the people who inhabit it, the culture and its close proximity to/relationship with Mexico. At the moment, 45’s border wall and industrialization of the untouched coastline (LNG export terminals) are two major concerns residents of the area have. The Valley is constantly referred to as one of the poorest regions of the US and, being so close to the Mexico border, one of the most dangerous areas of the country. There is more to the Valley than the negativities the press focus on. Memories from my childhood are pleasant: riding bikes on unpaved streets, day trips to Camargo or Migel Aleman with the family, pumpkin empanadas, raspas and breakfast tacos, thrifting at the Ropa Usada (10 cents a pound!), palm trees, mesquite trees and chachalacas…I can go on forever. It’s a beautiful area that is constantly overlooked and under-represented in the media. The Rio Grande Valley holds a lot of weight in the conversation about race, immigration, gender inequality, income inequality, reproductive rights, LGBTQ issues and countless others. It’s important we share these experiences and stories with the rest of the world.

MR: Following that train of thought, how much of Puras Ilusiones is based on your own experience growing up there?  What makes you want to revisit and immortalize RGV now as an adult?

CD: Ironically, it was after I moved away from Texas when my interest in the RGV began to influence my work. I wrote Puras Ilusiones on and off for about 5 years. I pulled inspiration from memories I had and stories I invented based off old family photos. Both my grandmothers have wonderful stories from their lives. Nostalgia is always fun to explore. The land became a character and I kept daydreaming of desert ranches. I knew that whenever I decided to make the film, it would be shot on my family’s ranch in the RGV. So memories and historical events became the constant musings during the writing process. Last year in the midst of #NoDAPL, I read an article about a similar situation happening in the RGV. At the same time, it was the 50th anniversary of the 1966 Melon Strike—an event that sparked the United Farmworkers movement in Texas. The film evolved into a type of research project and a way for me to capture the beauty of the area.

MR: The plot of Puras Ilusiones is about female self-discovery, but it also tells the story of the grassroots campaigns, history of the land, and social justice activism you've mentioned is happening in the RGV region. Art and activism continue to be at the forefront of a lot of social change we see and have been seeing for decades. Personally, how do you see art and activism influencing each other, working together, to fight for justice? Do you believe art can be activism?

CD: Art and activism most definitely go hand in hand. The night of the 2016 election, I was extremely emotional, scared for what the future held and saddened by the possibility that I would never be able to make this film. The next day [my friend] Lauren texted me, ‘Girl, we HAVE to make your movie now.’ And that’s what lit a fire under my ass to get this production rolling. I realized this was my way of resisting the new administration, of addressing issues regarding gender, race and class through cinema, of disproving stereotypes. It gave me purpose and helped me harness pent-up energy. Sometimes we can feel overwhelmed by the news and social media, feeling like we always must have an opinion on every issue. A big part of activism is listening to others. Making this film was my way of meeting other people in the RGV who were resisting and hearing their stories. It was a way for me to give back to the community that shaped me into who I am today. The film became a tangible way for me to fight back. 

MR: As your first personal, narrative film project, what has it been like directing and guiding your cast? Did you work organically off of their energy and chemistry or was there a set script and storyline? What have you learned from working with veterans and newcomers alike?

CD: I’m used to making films in a pretty isolated way. My previous work is all paint on film, so my process was working alone in my studio painting, splicing, editing, coloring. I love documenting objects/places in life and cutting them together to express a feeling or memory. Puras Ilusiones was a huge departure from how I had previously made films, so I approached it as a large-scale collaboration. I worked with trained actors and non-actors resulting in a range of experiences. Individual activists and organizations such as Save RGV From LNG and La Union del Pueblo Entero (LUPE) also joined the cast and crew, which allowed us to showcase the work they are currently doing in the Valley. Resistance in the area is strong and it deserves to be talked about.

My crew and cast were completely invested in the project and it really showed. It was a wonderful experience to work with people who share a passion for what they're doing. There isn’t much dialogue in the script, so I encouraged my actors to improvise and inject a lot of their own experiences into the characters. There were only 10 of us on crew and we had a ton of gear to lug around. It was a grassroots, DIY production which meant we were constantly problem-solving. But it made the feeling of accomplishment stronger at the end of each day. We were also shooting all 16mm, which was a first for a lot of my crew. Our budget was extremely tight so we had to wait until we wrapped production to send all the film to be processed and transferred. My DP Lauren Pruitt and I were on edge for weeks until the footage arrived in LA. It looked so beautiful, I think we both cried a little out of relief.  The biggest takeaway from production was the importance of enthusiasm on set. It was important to me that anyone involved was having a good time and never bored. It was wonderful to have such a lively crew and cast, especially since we had to work in the harsh Texas heat during many outdoor shoots. It also reaffirmed my belief in DIY filmmaking--not needing permission from anyone to make a film, not letting it become an elite art form. It can be done, but it’s a huge undertaking to see it through.

We've seen in recent years a huge resurgence of DIY ethics in film, print, art, and online media; people really going back to their roots and creating things locally as self-taught artists. You're a huge believer of DIY culture and your volume and quality of work are proof that sometimes, you really do have to do it yourself. Can you tell us more about how DIY culture drives or inspires you? As an artist of color, have you found freedom through DIY?

DIY culture became a very important part of my life in my formative years. Throughout high school, my friends and I would put on shows, mostly bands we had formed, in various places around the Valley like the local VFW or after-hours in the parking lot of a hardware store. Similarly, my sister and I would spend our weekends thrifting across the Valley, bring our haul home, cut it up and sew it into something new. We created the clothes we wanted to wear, the music we wanted to hear, the art we wanted to experience. There was a lot of that happening in the Valley while I was growing up; it came as a very natural way for us to express ourselves on our own terms. 

The passion to create without hesitation stayed with me as a moved further and further away from the Valley. It’s pushed me to experiment with film. DIY culture forces you to stop making excuses. And in filmmaking, there can be hundreds of reasons why you feel you can’t make a film. DIY allows you to have control of what you are creating and to realize that there is never a wrong way to execute your ideas. Punk is the essence of DIY—complete, unapologetic self-expression. DIY filmmaking gives you the freedom to share your point of view because you don’t have to answer to anyone else. 

MR: When can we expect to see the finished work and where would you like to premiere it?

CD: Puras Ilusiones is currently in post, which is probably my favorite part of the process. I’m editing whenever I have downtime between freelance work. My goal is to have it completed by late Summer/Fall 2018. I’d like to do a traveling screening throughout the RGV, specifically in the towns we filmed. I’m excited to share the film with the people who helped me make it and with the community that inspired it. Eventually, I'd love to have a 35mm film print made and screen the film on a larger scale so others can experience the beauty of the Rio Grande Valley.

MR: What does the future hold for you? Are there any other projects you’re currently working on or plan to start once Puras Ilusiones is released?

CD: My current goal is working with more female & female-identifying filmmakers, especially those who are trying to make their own stories come to life. It’s necessary to surround myself with others who are creating. I’m enjoying the editing process and taking my time with it because I hate rushing or forcing creativity. When I have ideas, I write them down. It’s hard to commit to a new project with the current one being in such a crucial state. But I definitely look forward to finishing the film and starting work on the next one.

 Puras Ilusiones is a self-funded, independent film. Caitlin is editing & coloring the film herself but will be working with others on music, sound design, visual effects, subtitling and additional film transfers. If you'd like to help with the costs of post, please donate to the film's PayPal here

To see more of Caitlin's work, visit her website 

[ravenwarriorviolet]

2017 – The Year of the Goddess Awakening and the Divine Feminine Returning

As the wheel turns and 2017 begins, we will find we are on an entirely different path than the one we traveled in 2016. This is a year that begins a brand new nine-year cycle in your life. It is a time of change and new beginnings as well as a time of hope. 2016 brought a nine-year cycle of your life to an end and with it emotional upheaval and confusion. Those experiences were necessary in the Year of Self Mastery for our spiritual growth. Relationships ended, jobs were completed. We began to look at the world with different eyes.

Now we begin the Year of The Goddess Awakening and the Divine Feminine Returning.  More emphasis must be placed on your role in a spiritual community this year, as we all need to feel we are part of a whole. More focused intention on making a reconnection to the natural world and honoring the original Goddess, the earth mother will bring us back into harmony with ourselves.  We are all urged to create a more satisfying existence by recognizing the new potential that is developing. The dream is stirring and asking to be birthed through us.

Number 1 from a spiritual perspective, is the number of creation, the primal force from which everything begins.  In a number one year we experience a powerful force that produces results and does not allow anything or anyone to limit its potential

If we look at the symbolism of the number 1 it is a spear point, directing and leading us to accomplish our goals and manifest our focused intentions.  The shape of the number 1 stands upright, moving forward with pride and purpose. Strong, determined, unwavering moving towards the light of potential.  A 1 year can turn dreams and ideas into reality.  It pushes obstacles aside if we are true to our heart and unwavering in our faith.  It requires trust in the unknown.

An understanding of nature teaches us how to work with the true magick of a 1 year.  In a number 1 year we can find a renewed sense of courage, we break away from the norm and explore solutions that we have not tried before. We break free of the need to conform and begin to live life the way we were always expected to live life, not the way others expect us to live life.  In a number 1 year you will discover your work and your service must come from the heart.

The sacred feminine begins to emerge within us, expressed as creativity, love, intuition, forgiveness, harmony, beauty, healing and wholeness. The sacred feminine has been suppressed, degraded and devalued far too long. Historically, the oldest human interpretation depicts the divine as a woman, and the original Goddess was expressed as the Earth Mother.

Since women create life, the divine goddess is the metaphor that the earth nourishes our existence as a mother nourishes her child. Being vessels of creation itself, women’s divine power was embraced. The first priests were priestesses and the first medicine men were medicine women. Yet, these goddesses and goddess-oriented traditions have been systematically suppressed over the past thousand years. Most popular religions now record in their scriptures; stories about masculine heroes and saints who were tempted by evil women or goddesses. The Crusades were fought to destroy these ancient traditions and the witches were burned. Women were no longer priestesses and shamans. Instead they were held back, forbidden to enter the very realms of their male counterparts. Those that followed the path of the Dark Madonna kept the tradition of the divine Goddess alive with the mysterious statues of the Black Madonna known to be the image of the Goddess Isis nurturing the solar child Horus.

As goddess traditions were cast into the shadows and called superstitions so were the qualities they represented in Western cultures, love became less important than ambition, intuition less important than logic and strategic planning. The most destructive, the accumulation of goods became more important than family, creativity and respect for the natural world.  Boys were told that there is something wrong with them if they wanted to be dancers or poets. Girls were told that there was no real reason for them to go to school as their purpose was to be mothers and dutiful wives. These cultures dictated the idea that only women should embody feminine qualities, and only men should embody the masculine ones.

There was a tremendous loss to our entire global community as musicians and artists became accountants and lost their ability to bring beauty into the world. (Not that there is anything wrong with accountants. I adore mine and need his expertise to manage my financial world). Brilliant minds settled at working in jobs that diminished their creative potential. Billions of human beings who were not allowed to follow their inner voice, their desire to express themselves from the heart, or the true path of their soul allowed their light to grow dim.

The devaluation of the sacred feminine and the respect for the Earth Goddess and the natural world has created a world of greed, separation, division, destruction and war. We live in an age of technology without wisdom and without love. Our Mother earth has been ravaged almost beyond repair and our food, water, and the very air we breathe hangs in the balance, perilously close to the point of no return.

There is hope, there is a movement happening, an awakening rumbling beneath our cities in our forests and in the great oceans. It is the call of the Goddess… the call for balance and for justice. It is a call to get our priorities straight, with Life itself as the ultimate and highest value on earth. It is a call to bring back the divine feminine.  The sacred feminine can and must be restored to its rightful place, in harmony and balance with the divine masculine on our planet, in our culture, and within ourselves. We need to bring a new awareness and responsibility to every aspect of our lives; how we work, how we play, how we eat, and how we think. We need to stop imagining that we are separate from the earth, and from each other. We need to understand that each one of us, in our own way is more powerful when we join together. Together we can make a difference.

The goddess is alive and well. She is dancing in your heart, speaking in your dreams.  She is awakening within you and you are beginning to remember. The time has come to answer her call. That is the restlessness you feel. That emptiness that you cannot seem to fill. You must step forward with courage. You will need great faith in yourself in order to take action. You will encounter situations where your deepest emotions will continue to come to the surface.

Remember we are entering a new nine-year cycle.  Accept the need for real and significant change. Develop a sense of your own self-worth. Listen and follow your heart. What you do this year will set the course for the next nine years. This should provide all the incentive you need to make your decisions carefully and from the heart.

In a 1year we also master being independent. Attaining independence often brings feelings of isolation and loneliness. Those you thought you could count on may become unavailable to you. Stay flexible and relax into life’s mystery. Your clearest goals and desires may be diverted into unexpected new directions. The only thing you can expect this year is change. One change will lead to another, and then another, transporting you far from where you thought you would be.

Rely on yourself and surround yourself with open-minded people who do not judge and criticize your every move. Have the same consideration for them and keep your opinions to yourself unless you are asked. Know what you want and believe in yourself. If your abilities are lacking in some way, take the time to learn what is necessary to fulfill your intentions and stop making excuses. The more self-accepting you are, the happier you will be. Confidence is a natural feeling that comes when you accept the change as it occurs.

If you do not make changes where they are needed, they will be made for you. Dream big and never give up in this year of new beginnings   Work through your fears instead of denying them. Life is not meant to be a struggle but we can certainly create struggle in our life.   It is meant to be a continuous journey of ever changing moments that evolve through cycles of learning. It is meant to be lived to the fullest.

https://www.whitewolfjourneys.com/special-messages/2017-year-goddess-awakening-divine-feminine-returning/

[graceatkins-blog1]

Bringing Bitch Back

Outline

Re-appropriation describes a group within society reclaiming terms which were previously used in a degrading way, concerning that particular group. In this case, the group is gender and more specifically, women who are taking back words previously used in a degrading manner against them. Galinksy (2013) wrote that ‘psychologists have found that when a group reclaims a derogatory label, perceptions of that group’s power increases. And once a group is perceived as powerful, individuals feel more empowered to self-identify with that label’. This applies to the word ‘bitch’, and how it has evolved to become a compliment, instead of a derogatory term used against women. The 1811 edition of the ‘Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue’ stated that the word ‘bitch’ was ‘the most offensive appellation that can be given to an English woman’ (Grose, 1811). More recently however, a ‘bitch’ was associated to a female who had negative personality traits, most commonly used within a friendship group. However, it had more serious undertones. It was a word given to women who were seen as a threat. Not a violent threat, but one which held certain amounts of power, normally over men. Because of its evolution and the emergence of the Feminist movement, women are now taking it back and claiming it as their own. It is being used within the music industry by female artists who are expressing their liberation and voice.  

Sexism within the workplace is high up on the Feminism agenda. For example, £28,700 was the median gross annual earnings for male full-time employees for the tax year ending 5 April 2012, while for women the figure was £23,100 (The Prince’s Responsible Business Network, 2012). It is clearly apparent that there are some significant improvements still to be made for female equal rights. This issue was highlighted during the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns, where Clinton was frequently called a ‘bitch’. This shows that her gender was a key point for attack, and therefore, a weakness. The following blog will outline how ‘bitch’ can be used against women, but also for women. It will emphasise how it is still being used with negative connotations, especially against women in the workplace who hold prestigious positions. They cannot just be hard-working and prosperous, they must also be ‘bossy’, emotional and a ‘bitch’.  

Throughout the blog, there will be sources taken from online articles and across social media, including the opinions of active Feminists and self-proclaimed bitches. The advancement of technology coincides with the development of Feminist thinking (ODI, 2016), therefore using online sources, where anyone with an opinion can voice it, has enabled access to a wide range of perceptions; whether or not reclaiming ‘bitch’ is good or bad.

Bringing Bitch Back

Originally used as a word to describe a female dog, ‘bitch’ is now making a comeback and it’s coming back better than ever. With the evolution of Feminism and what it means to be a woman, the word ‘bitch’ tends to now be associated with female power and independence, someone who is strong and can hold themselves (RealLife, 2017). How we view a ‘bitch’ has also changed due to a shift in traditional female stereotypes. It used to be a negative, almost derogatory, term used against females only; it was a simple way of describing someone who was nasty or disrespectful. A ‘bitch’ could be anyone from a friend, to a female murderer being branded on headlines as ‘evil cow’. It was used mainly for women, to go against women. However, ‘bitch’ is now almost something to be proud of. A ‘powerful bitch’ certainly is; it comes with a sense of prestige, potential and female power.

Mostly influenced by women within the public eye who have claimed it as their own, such as Britney Spears with the infamous saying ‘It’s Britney, Bitch’ or Lady Gaga’s ‘I’m a free bitch, baby’, being a ‘bitch’ has its benefits. Other words previously used in a demeaning way against women, such as slut or witch, are also being reclaimed by women themselves. It has been said that ‘to reclaim the word is to reclaim our right, as women, to be powerful’ (Saul, 2015). Not only do these words hold power within themselves, but the act of reclaiming them and turning it into a positive shows an enormous shift in female ability and opportunity. Gloria Steinen has been urging women to reclaim the word ‘bitch’, and when called it should respond with ‘thank you’ (Coles, 2015). Steinen has been heavily involved with the Feminist movement as both a journalist and political activist. Her argument kicked in when both Beyonce and Jennifer Lawrence, two renowned female celebrities known for their powerful independent image, believed ‘bitch’ to be used as an insult within the workplace when a woman was showing assertiveness (Stobo, 2018). It’s true, there is a tendency for women to be branded as ‘bossy’ or emotional when working, which ‘forces them to take more passive roles, while men are praised for commanding conversations’ (Saul, 2015). However, if you accept being called a bitch, the other person doesn’t know what to do; it completely disarms them.

‘Bitch’ was frequently used against Hillary Clinton during her campaigns, by both her supporters and her opposition. However, the way in which it was used differed. Supporters used it as an empowering term, and that in order for her to appeal to the younger voters, she must reveal ‘her inner bitch’ (BBC1, 2016). It was also used in an insulting way, in order to deflate her confidence and prevent further progression. T-shirts with ‘Trump that bitch’ were made by Trump supporters, with the reasoning that it was ‘funny’ (Taylor-Coleman, 2016). Even though Trump was called most names under the sun, there were rarely ever any headlines displaying him as a ‘bitch’. Even if he was, it was to compare him to a woman, because being a woman is a bad thing.  

Why do women have to be known as a bitch to show power and dominance? A man would not receive the same treatment; in most circumstances he would be praised for showing these traits. As both Beyonce and Jennifer Lawrence said, this difference in equality is particularly prevalent within the workplace where women demonstrate assertiveness as part of their job. Yet this still receives criticism and negative labels. To be a powerful woman is also to be seen as a threat. There are numerous articles discussing ‘how to be a powerful bitch’, step-by-step guides on how to ‘do more, apologise less and get ahead in business’ (Frankenberry, 2012), but why must this be learnt? Why do we have to be guided by other people to prove our individual control? When asking Google the same question but about men, ‘how to be a powerful man’ (Cornwell, 2013), the first article to appear is ‘how to be a powerful man in life plus with women’. Sums it up really.  

A woman who is fighting for her rights to be equal and recognised as a human being within society, will most likely be called a ‘bitch’, or be subjected to some other insulting term. Is this because she is adopting the more traditional male gender stereotypes of strength, willpower and leadership? Are women branded as bitches by men because they fear their power is being taken away by the ‘weaker gender’? As young girls growing up in a world dominated by men and their opinions, we are almost forced into a certain way of thinking; that men rule, and if we step out of line, people won’t like us. And in a world where being popular and liked is drilled into a girls hard-drive from a young age, non-conforming is a risky move. If we’re going to fight for our rights and control our own lives, and inevitably be called a bitch because of it, we might as well do it. If being a ‘bitch’ is being a woman, a human being, then being a ‘bitch’ is great.  

Self-Reflection

For this blog, I discussed the reclaiming of the word ‘bitch’ and how the evolution of the word has changed its meaning and effect on people. Instead of it being used in a negative and demeaning way intending to cause insult, it is now a demonstration of power and prestige. Being claimed by female influencers in music, politics and film means that a greater acceptance of the word has emerged (Nunn, 2015). This has been influenced through the media and how it has been used to gain female independence. I used various sources throughout the blogs, referencing the historic definition of the word, in order to make comparisons and differentiate between meanings to see if, over time, we, as a society, have changed our perceptions of women. Whilst doing research for this blog, I, as a female, felt empowered. Reading other people’s opinions on being a ‘bitch’ altered my perceptions on it too, and instead of seeing it as a demeaning word, I instead realised that is actually holds some positives. It encapsulates what it means to be a powerful female; people are scared of being overtaken by women and will resort to using degrading language.  However, I also felt a sense of anger too whilst reading about why ‘bitch’ can still be bad. A man with power would not be called a bitch, whereas a woman would inevitably be referred to as one. For example, Donald Trump being known as one of the most powerful men in the world, yet Hillary Clinton was regularly called a bitch across the media. It keeps in with the theme of Feminism and what it means to people; how it can be turned on its head.

I think that incorporating two different arguments into the blog, whether reclaiming the word ‘bitch’ is bad or good, shows that, despite Feminism clearly having benefits by giving women more power, there is still huge room for improvement. It proves how much further Feminism has to progress in order to achieve the levels of equality and opportunity that is needed for female rights. Using people who are significant within the public eye, such as Jennifer Lawrence, demonstrates how relevant the issue remains. In addition, I think including historic definitions of the word and highlighting how it has evolved over time, shows how society has also evolved and altered. With the Feminist movement becoming more influential and respected, women having the opportunity to reclaim anything shows progress.  

Despite this, the blog could be improved by looking at how men have reclaimed certain words, such as queer, to provide greater insight into the gender divide (and how it can be similar). Therefore, if I was to attempt this task again, I would research into greater detail how re-appropriation of certain words previously used to degrade people based on gender, has affected men also. This emphasises how Feminism is beneficial for men too.  

This topic, and exploring Feminism in a different light, has been an interesting yet motivational task for me to work on. I have learnt from this experience also, as it made me feel positive about the future, and how Feminism is going to impact it hugely. It makes me think about what other opportunities women will receive as a result of female acceptance and equality.  

References

Coles, J. 2015. Gloria Steinem Has Great Advice on What to Do When Someone Calls You a Bitch. [Online]. [1 November 2018]. Available from: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/career/a48037/gloria-steinem-advice-memoir/

Cornwell, B. 2013. How To Be A Powerful Man In Life And With Women. [Online]. [1 November 2018]. Available from: http://nextluxury.com/mens-lifestyle-advice/how-to-be-a-powerful-man-in-life-and-with-women/

Frankenberry, A. 2012. Do More, Apologize Less – How Bitches Get Ahead in Business. [Online]. [1 November 2018]. Available from: https://www.contentfac.com/boss-bitch-manifesto-why-nice-girls-finish-last-in-life-and-in-business/

Grose, F (1811). Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue. South Carolina: Bibliolife DBA of Biblio Bazaar.

Nunn, G. 2015. Power grab: reclaiming words can be such a bitch. [Online]. [1 November 2018]. Available from: https://www.theguardian.com/media/mind-your-language/2015/oct/30/power-grab-reclaiming-words-can-be-such-a-bitch

Odi. 2016. How technology is changing women's working lives. [Online]. [1 November 2018]. Available from: https://www.odi.org/events/4442-how-technology-changing-womens-working-lives

Reallife. 2012. How to Use the Word Bitch (13 Different Ways). [Online]. [1 November 2018]. Available from: https://reallifeglobal.com/btch-please-how-to-use-the-word-bitch-correctly/

Saul, H. 2015. Gloria Steinem urges women to reclaim the word 'bitch'. [Online]. [1 November 2018]. Available from: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/gloria-steinem-urges-women-to-reclaim-the-word-bitch-a6707131.html

Stobo, D. 2018. How 'Bitch' Became a Dirty Word. [Online]. [1 November 2018]. Available from: http://swaay.com/how-bitch-became-a-dirty-word-and-why-im-reclaiming-it/

The Today Programme. 2016. BBC RADIO4. 08 June, 06:00

The prince's responsible business network. 2012. Women and Work: The Facts. [Online]. [1 November 2018]. Available from: https://gender.bitc.org.uk/all-resources/factsheets/women-and-work-facts

[gossipgirl2019-blog]

Still Like… Wo: After 20 Years, Mya Has Learned to Live Without Fear

New Post has been published on http://gr8gossip.xyz/still-like-wo-after-20-years-mya-has-learned-to-live-without-fear/

Still Like… Wo: After 20 Years, Mya Has Learned to Live Without Fear

The late ‘90s/early ‘00s is a revered era in music for so many fans under 30. It’s not hard to understand why: it’s a period when pop artists took over the airwaves after a decade that had been mostly dominated by grunge, gangsta rap, adult contemporary and nu metal. Britney Spears, Destiny’s Child, Aaliyah, *NSYNC, J. Lo and a host of others recalibrated popular music in a way that set the table for pretty much everything we see dominating the charts today.

And Mya was right there at the forefront. The leggy R&B chanteuse with the coy-but-sexy persona and serious dance moves had already been somewhat famous as a dancer on BET when she was still in high school. She’d performed with Gregory Hines and studied with Savion Glover, was classically trained in tap and ballet, and her early videos made it clear that she knew how to cut a rug. Mya burst through back in 1998 at the age of 18, and, with her impeccable dance skills and sultry voice, was put in a similar vein as established artists like Aaliyah and Janet Jackson. Her self-titled debut was a platinum-seller that spawned hits like “It’s All About Me” and “Movin’ On” and thrust her into the swarm of pop stardom. She followed it with the hit “Take Me There,” a collaboration with Blackstreet and Ma$e that hit the Top 20, and another hit guest appearance on the Pras single “Ghetto Superstar” with Ol’ Dirty Bastard.

But the onetime girl-next-door has been a grown-ass woman for a while now. Her latest album TKO (The Knockout) dropped this spring and she just released her newest video for the sexy single “Damage.” Mya was never shy about flaunting her sex appeal, but she admits that it comes from a different place these days. 

“Well—now I mean it!” the 38-year-old says with a laugh. “It comes from a real place versus some songwriter writing it for me and me delivering it from no experience. Now I own it. I own everything that’s me and that’s one dimension of who I am and who all women are, y’know? One dimension. And I know it’s often suppressed and looked down upon. That’s the difference between then and now. I was just a young girl fresh out of high school, but life experience and yearning and desire and being very clear in expressing how you feel—even that takes time.”

And its apparent that for Mya, taking her time is important in everything that she does—but especially as it pertains to self-expression: “You have to take a leap of faith before exposing yourself completely in terms of feelings and desires—especially if you’re a woman.”  

“Now you have a different type of sexualization where its desensitization, because of the internet and kids growing up faster because of technology. Music dictates culture and culture dictates music, they go hand-in-hand. Now you have no shock.”

Many of the R&B superstars of the ‘90s were very young at the time, and after the “Jodeci-fication” of R&B circa ‘92/‘93, a singer had to have some edginess to thrive in the era of body rolls and shirtless album covers. Stars like Usher, Aaliyah and later on, Mya may have been teens—but they sang about some undeniably “adult” fare. But Mya doesn’t view her early career or that era as oversexed—at least not by comparison.

“It was very grown and in-your-face, but the music balanced out and countered some [of the] lyrics that were very ‘adult,’” Mya says. “I think now it’s oversexualized, but then, there was some mystery—and clever writing. It was suggestive but not over-the-top. I think because of hip-hop, oftentimes you’re rebellious and very outspoken and that becomes a part of the culture. Outside of lyrics and music, it’s an attitude. Music is influenced by that and that carried over into R&B. Young people relate to things that are more rebellious and it’s much more interesting. Now you have a different type of sexualization where its desensitization, because of the internet and kids growing up faster because of technology. Music dictates culture and culture dictates music, they go hand-in-hand. Now you have no shock.”

As her career exploded, she joined Pink, Lil Kim, and Christina Aguilera for their era-defining cover of “Lady Marmalade” in 2001, appeared in the Oscar-winning Chicago and other films like Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights and Cursed. Her sophomore album Fear Of Flying was another commercial success, and it continued her run of hit singles: “Case Of the Ex” shot all the way to No. 2 on the Billboard Hot 200. 2003’s Moodring would be her most critically-acclaimed release up to that point, showcasing a maturing singer and featuring collaborations with Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, Missy Elliott, and Timbaland. The Elliott-produced “My Love Is Like…Wo” would be another Top 20 hit for Mya.

She signed with Ford Modeling in 2005 and it seemed like music was going to take a backseat to her diverse interests outside of recording and performing onstage. She was urged to date superstars for publicity and refused, but that didn’t stop the rumor mill from fixating on gossip. She wound up in a feud with rapper 50 Cent after he claimed they’d had sex in a 2005 diss track aimed at his longtime rival, The Game.

“Yes, it’s not true. 50 and I never dated, never cuddled, never did anything, period, despite what he chooses to believe in his own mind. I don’t know how he would get Lloyd Banks confused with me,” Mya told VIBE in 2006.

The rumors didn’t stop there, Mya had to address more gossip in 2009 after rumors surfaced that she was dating Gucci Mane. “No diss, but the way people turn things around—I’d taken a photo with him at a club and I went to say bye,” she told DJ Whoo Kid at the time. “My manager was present and I went to say bye to Gucci and I said something in his ear but I had to get closer because the club music was so loud, they caught me in the wrong pose looking like we had just finished kissing or that we were kissing. The photograph was not big enough for you to see the real deal. And the rumor started that Mya was dating Gucci Mane which is so not true.”

The chatter kept her name plastered across gossip sites. Now that kind of din is even louder because of social media, and Mya’s advice to young women navigating the murky waters of pop stardom and internet gossip is to commit themselves to “conditioning yourself for this world.”

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“There’s a double standard and women are punished more for accusations,” she says. “Get your mind right, get your spirit right and get your body right. And keep it there. That requires working out, that requires fasting, eating well, prayer and getting to know who you are. And not bending. You’re going to have to put yourself through disciplinarian challenges so that you can understand that you can be without anything that you were taught that you need. People will always have an opinion. Even if you’re over here saving the world, there is a group of people that will love you and a group of people that will always hate you no matter what you do.”

“It’s tricky on the internet,” she acknowledges. “There’s a lot of bullying. The way I [manage] is I do crazy stuff [laughs]. Work hard at the gym, remove stuff frmo my diet and lifestyle. Jump out of an airplane! Whatever it takes, so that there’s no fear attached to me. If you’re worried about people liking you, you’re in the wrong business. Life without fear.”

As the 2000s progressed, other names like Ashanti and Ciara had emerged as major stars, while Beyoncé broke from Destiny’s Child and became one of the biggest artists in music. Mya signed with Universal Motown for 2007’s Liberation but would opt out of her contract only a year later, dissatisfied with the label and determined to control her own music. 2008’s Sugar & Spice would be released in Japan, as would the follow-up, 2011’s KISS (Keep It Sexy & Simple). She independently released three EPs in 2014 and 2015 and released Smoove Jones exclusively via Apple in 2016, which would go on to garner a Grammy nomination for Best R&B Album in 2017. With this year’s release of TKO (The Knockout), it’s clear that Mya’s Planet 9 label (which she founded in 2008 after leaving Universal Motown) gave her autonomy that she has clearly relished. She isn’t against major labels at all, but she’s committed to partnering on her own terms.

“I’ve always wanted to make sure that I have a body of work to present to my fans before I go back into a system that only wants radio music,” she explains, “so that I can always leave the art available just in case another album gets leaked or I get into a contract and get held hostage [laughs]. Because it is a great marriage if its right and if you’re a priority.”

That freedom has served her well. In her late 30s, Mya is healthy and happy and navigating her career her way. She promotes healthy eating and veganism on her Instagram account. She joined the cast of streaming Urban Movie Channel’s drama series 5th Ward playing a single mother of two. She admits the role is outside of her comfort zone but she was eager to tell stories that reflect real issues: “From gun violence to gentrification to young men fearing for their lives and coming of age with those factors, single mothers trying to make ends meet…it’s the human experience. It was a meatier role for me that I felt I was ready for. At my age, being an independent artist and caretaker of my family, I relate to those stresses.”

Mya’s a trailblazer for artists like Kehlani and Tinashe, and a veteran who is still standing in an industry that constantly shows how tough it can be on ambitious young women. She talked to Essence earlier this year about #MeToo. “Understand that you are going to have to address several things navigating through the world as it pertains to men who have been conditioned to think that they are superior, which I don’t believe in the natural world that is the case,” she said.

“There’s a balance of feminine and masculine energy,” she continued. “Unfortunately, it’s an imbalanced world because of the people that are in charge, and that’s egotistical men…Understand that you can create your own door (and) your own company and it will be harder, but ultimately you, at the end of the day, decide what you walk away from and what you’re willing to deal with.”

It’s clear that 20 years after she broke big, Mya is more assured than ever and as artistically engaged as she’s ever been. Her legacy is one that warrants celebrating. She’s not a tragic figure, and she’s not an omnipresent megastar. And that’s why we should talk about her more: she’s done this thing about as gracefully as anyone without compromising herself and without resorting to shock tactics or social media drama or silly stunts to “stay relevant.” She’s still Mya. And that’s all we’ve ever needed her to be. 

[wionews]

Opinion: Christmas and the plight of Christians in Pakistan

“The year 2017 will be one of peace and love,” Naheed Naz told me. “There is nothing in the scriptures about it, but Jesus puts feelings in your heart about what is going to happen. It is a matter of faith and we believe in it.”

I met Naz, in her 40s, and a nursing teacher with a Masters degree in Public Health, at the All Saints Church in the heart of Peshawar’s old city. She sounded optimistic despite the last days of 2016 bringing more turmoil in Pakistan for Christians.

Christmas messages were received with death threats and a Christian man was arrested on December 30 for allegedly desecrating the Koran. He currently faces the death penalty.

I could feel this tense atmosphere as I approached the All Saints Church on Christmas Day. The 19th-century building of Islamic Saracenic style reflecting in the brilliantly sunny day outside.

As I entered the the church’s hall, the faithful were taking seats in anticipation of the Christmas mass. I had to come in through heavy security. The street where the church stands was blocked at both ends by sand barriers and guarded by security personal. On 22 September 2013, a twin suicide bomb attack during a Sunday mass at the church killed 127 people.

I asked Naz how the Christmas of her childhood differed from now. She recounted memories of her childhood and her sister’s: the letter to Santa, her mother and father who used to make their life loving and rich, and the moral values of love and peace Christmas used to bring. Naz lost her mother in the 2013 bombing.

A little later, as I sat in the church, I met Shafi Maseeh, 75, who also lost his son in the same terror attack. He had little to say. Shafi is the real prototype of a Christian in Pakistan. A janitor by trade, he had no good memories to share of anything.

Most Christians I talked to felt a loss of identity, isolation and a deep sense of alienation. There was no nostalgia for the past, nor any enthusiasm for the present.

Pakistan is roughly 1.6% Christian. (Others)

×

In the All Saints Church, I was not alone at the Christmas ceremony. The local media had come too. Father Patrick Naeem was happy to see them and thanked the government, the media and the chief of the Pakistani army, while also asking journalists to respect the parishioners as they took photos of the ceremony.

One reporter asked me what I was doing there. When I told her I was going to do a story on Christmas and would like to interview her too she angrily replied, “I am not a Christian, do I look like one?” I was shocked for a moment. “There is nothing wrong with being a Christian,” I said.

Another reporter warned me as I was leaving the place: “Be careful, liberals are on the hitlist.” I just kept quiet.

Pakistan’s Christian minority

There is no definitive figure, but Christians make up roughly 1.6% of the population of Pakistan, as many as Hindus, according to the latest official statistics.

Christians mostly converted from Hinduism to escape the caste-dominated Indian society before the partition of India and Pakistan in 1947. But changing religion didn’t help: the roots of discrimination based on caste run deep in both Indian and Pakistani society.

The Christmas ceremony is an event on its own as media gathered to film. (Others)

×

The plight of Christians has persisted for decades, but there has also been a rise of hatred against Christians since the late 1980s, when the dictator Zia ul Haq introduced Pakistan’s blasphemy law, particularly used to persecute Christians.

A double oppression

Pakistani society is still marred by racism and questions of caste, even among Muslims, despite the Qur’an setting out radical equality for all.

Across South Asia, Muslims remain divided up by various hierarchical systems. This long trail of caste-related injustice goes back to the beginnings of subcontinental societies and seems impervious to the intrusion of other sources of identity such as the nation-state or religion.

So the Christian community reels under a double oppression of racism, based on the low castes many Christians come from, and religious intolerance towards their belief system.

But even among minorities, Christians are particularly singled out, for a number of reasons. They are visible: they live mostly in urban areas and are often employed in low-wage jobs. They are also the poorest of the community.

In December 2015, the Capital Development Authority of Islamabad submitted a report suggesting that the Christian “ugly slums” of the capital be destroyed to keep the city clean. The CDA, in this unprecedentedly stupid move (“their Trump Moment” as the English daily Dawn put it), argued that the campaign of destruction would preserve Islamabad’s aesthetics and maintain its Muslim-majority demographic balance.

The proposal was rightly contested by political parties, activists, and NGOs and thwarted by the Supreme Court, but it was a worrying sign of just how poorly Christians are thought of by the Pakistani elite.

The street outside All Saints Church. Poor Christians live in this quarter of the city. (Others)

×

Adding insult to injury, Christians in Pakistan are also seen as representatives of the US and other Western powers who are often held to be responsible for the plight of Muslims around the globe.

Christianity in politics

The plight of Christians is linked to the political foundation of Pakistan and the much criticised Two Nation Theory which became the basis of Partition in 1947. Partition aimed to create a state for Hindus (India) and one for Muslims (Pakistan).

Christians are historically considered to have positively contributed to Pakistani statehood, thus helping the development of the Pakistani society, but today they, along with other non-Muslims, are forbidden from holding high office.

The Christian vote in Pakistan is around 1.3 million, second to the Hindu vote, which is around 1.5 million. While the Hindu vote is mostly concentrated in the Sindh and Punjab regions, Christian voters are more scattered. Since the minority vote is restricted to a few electorates, political parties are not generally interested in serving them, though there is a lot of lip service to minority issues.

Minority representatives protest the problem of segregation from mainstream politics. There is no doubt that the electoral system adds to the problems of already frustrated minority communities in Pakistan. Minorities don’t have the right to place their own candidates in elections. They can vote for any Muslim candidate in their constituency from within the general seats, and they also have the right to vote for a minority candidate, but they don’t have the right to choose these. They are instead given minority seats for which tickets are allotted by mainstream political parties.

Fractured communities

While talking to various Christians, I observed very little sense of community. All identity revolves around the personal and in Pakistan, that is steeped in the psychology of status.

Christians in Pakistan are faced with both victim-blaming from without and the self-loathing it generates within the individual.

Continuous repression as a community within social and political life in Pakistan has led some to blame themselves for their problems. Self-incrimination, a shallow sense of belonging to the mainstream and the loss of the social self-were often apparent in my conversations for this article.

“Our people are not serious about their studies; they don’t save money,” a priest who works as a waiter at my university’s student accommodation told me. “I do save, though I am usually in debt, while keeping my needs to the minimum.” When I asked if it is because of the loss of hope that some Christians struggle in school and work, he replied, “No, I have made it from a janitor to a waiter. My boys are going to school. Isn’t it an environment conducive to success?”

Living with contradiction

Christians are often the recipient of local charities. “Yes, we like them, because they grew up with us,” a high-level political activist in Peshawar told me. “They clean our homes and we give them our used clothes, and also food. They are good people. We also offer them gifts for Christmas. We just did this year, too.” The activist was also a trader in the market in front of the All Saints Church.

Christians often feel the same way. “The political parties don’t care for us,” the priest at Peshawar University said. “Some politicians do, though. They offer us gifts for Christmas. I also got my package. They change the carpets of our church every now and then. This is good.”

In the present environment of hopelessness and fear, the only option left for Christians is to learn to live with Pakistan’s deep contradictions – discrimination from the state, but charity from politicians.

Centuries of continuous repression have left many without any sense of identity within their home country. Many Christians here just want to breathe – being able to truly live is a distant dream.

This article was originally published on The Conversation. Read the original article.

Images credit: Altaf Khan (Author)

(Disclaimer: The opinions expressed above are the personal views of the author and do not reflect the views of ZMCL).

]]>

[capstoneandclothing-blog]

Artifacts

Artifact #1

DISCIPLINE: SOCIOLOGY

Course: 345-001 Native American Social Issues

South Dakota Study Away: Reflection Paper

I chose to submit a reflection paper and montage video from my Native American Social Issues course. I chose these pieces because they are so meaningful to me. In the spring of 2016, I decided to take this class as a way to learn more about the political and economic unrest on Native American reservations. I’ve learned through my political science classes that intersectional politics is a growing phenomenon—where race meets, public policy has become the leading discourse in society today. This assignment and study away trip allowed to learn about all of this and more.

Throughout the class we wrote weekly synopses discussing our readings which included: Honor the Grandmothers, Neither Wolf Nor Dog, Yellow Dirt, Keeping Heart on Pine Ridge, and Lakota Way. These books created daily discussion in our class that lead to some very open and needed conversations on our own unconscious bias of Native people. Learning that because of mainstream media, we have let ourselves believe certain stereotypes that aren’t true, opened my eyes greatly. This awakening throughout the course pushed me to solidifying that I go on the trip at the end of the semester. I knew that just reading books wasn’t going to allow the pleasure to truly getting to feel and see the hurt, pain, joy, and passion of such an amazing culture and people.

The weekly synopses, however, did help me prepare for the nightly journal writing we had to do while volunteering. We stayed at Okiciyapi Tipi a volunteer house in Eagle Butte, South Dakota. During that time, we worked for refurbishing the main house that would be used for a new homeless shelter project, led by Mary Olive Johnson and Pauline Webb. These incredible women inspired me each day to work hard and push myself to do as much as I could to bring up a community that has been greatly overlooked.

The daily writing was difficult for me because each day I had come back to the house I was tired and distraught from hearing saddening stories and realities of the native people but I knew that I needed and had to do it. Writing those journals really helped me work through my emotions but also made it very difficult and surprisingly fun to write my final journal. In the final journal I wrote a poem about my experience at the reservation. The piece described my difficulty writing about my time in Eagle Butte but also it discussed the friendships I made and how my views on life will forever be changed because of the 12 virtues of the Lakota tribe:

Humility

Perseverance

Respect

Honor

 Love

Sacrifice

Truth

Compassion

Bravery

Fortitude

Generosity

Wisdom

These virtues are what I want to take through my personal and professional life to help build not only myself but also the people in my life. I want to expose my loved one to this way of living because I know that it will help me and them build a career and life worth living.

I want to go back

With every word I try to put on paper,

a tear falls.

My hands tremble.

I feel nothing at all.

 No sadness, nor joy.

I am complacent.

Indifference is my friend.

 I can’t allow myself to feel.

The emotions I would have to accommodate,

to supplement my apathy,

they would be way too great.

 No words can express how much this trip has meant to me other than, “I want to go back.” Those are all the words I can muster from my mind to make a complete thought. I never in a million years would have ever began to dream of such an experience. This trip has done for me in two weeks than what college was supposed to do for me, in four years--teach me things that can be applied to life outside of academia--I say this, not to be critical but to be honest.

The matter of the fact is, I went to this trip not expecting much but, coming out with a lot more than I ever thought possible and I don’t just mean material things; I’ve gained experience, friendship, wisdom, I’ve grown in humility, and more than anything I’ve grown in happiness.

On day one of this trip I didn’t really know anyone on a personal level but after being with them for all those days I not only learned who they were as people but who they wanted to be as people in the future. By the last day I didn’t even want to leave everyone.  Being with people who wanted to use this experience to better themselves as individuals while also bettering the lives of those they would come in contact with on this trip made it so much more amazing.

Speaking of the people we met, I can’t say enough about how each one of them truly are some of the greatest people I’ve ever met. The first person I met when we walked into the Volunteer house was Lucas and he was probably one of the coolest people just because he was like us; a young dude who was there to help the community in any way possible. Then after that we met, Mary Olive and Pastor Pauline Webb, the two women who guided us through our volunteering mission, showed so much kindness and filled the room with positivity and love that couldn’t be faked. Their genuine care and attention to us made the group as whole feel like they could do anything and because of that I know we got a lot more done than they ever would have thought we could do. During that time, I also met Lisa the Librarian who was a former defense attorney, Clifford Clown a traditional Lakota singer who helped myself and Kyle clear out the backyard plot for a garden. Also, there was Richard and Mike who led us through our time in the sweat which, for me, was beyond words. I even met Ben a tribal council member who taught me a number of things about how to begin your purification process before a sweat or even a Sun Dance.

I could go on for days about the people that I met in South Dakota but I also could go on and on about the people who I went on the trip with. The band of brothers, Brandon Nelson, Brandon Donahue, Louis, Kyle and Jared were so funny and kept us laughing the entire trip. Those guys were some of the most eccentric yet intelligent people I’ve met at NKU. You don’t ever really find men who come with so much compassion and honesty and respect for women and others like they did. Then there was Amy, she was quite the character but when she spoke you had to listen because she had a lot of really amazing life stories to tell. Laken was someone you had to listen to, too. She would tell stories and you could hear her accent loud and clear, it was awesome. I know for sure she will be a friend I will have for life because she poured her heart into what she cared about and her passion to do good in this world was undeniable. Lastly, there was Casey, the one person I didn't know at all at the start of the trip; she was the person I became closest with. I honestly can't explain in real words what she did for me on this trip but I can say for a long time I didn't know what it was like to have a real friend because so many “friends” have come in and out of my life for the wrong reasons. However, she reminded that true joy can come from friendship and good people who want to be good friends do exist. I might be saying this prematurely but I don't see anything that could mess the bond I've made with her during our time together. It's actually kind of scary how much happiness I felt not just with her but every single person on this trip. My heart hadn't been that full in a long time. I'm thankful for this experience because it saved even though I didn't know I needed saving.

I've probably been way more over dramatic with my feelings than I should have been in this reflection piece but what I've learned more than anything else from the Lakota people it is telling the Truth is the only way. My truth is my life and if you want to share your life with others they need to hear the truth of it. So, truthfully, Dr. Grant I thank you for being my engine and pushing to go on this trip-it really woke me up! Your gracious heart and open mind allowed us to flourish in our experience. You held down the fort like no other and you maintained a strong yet vulnerable cadence that I wish to only mimic because showed that you've perfected the art of a true leader. I can only hope to half the person you are. Thank you!

P.S. I can't wait to do this again next year. The Badlands are calling my name!  

Video Link: https://vimeo.com/168128542

Artifact #2

DISCIPLINE: ORGANIZATIONAL LEADERSHIP

Course: 205 Human Relations in Organizations

Behavioral Assessment: 360 Survey

I chose this assignment as my second artifact because it was something so different from what I’ve ever done before. This assignment felt very experimental and exposing for me. I had to contact a minimum of twenty of my closest friends, family, and co-workers to evaluate my behavior. This assignment was meant to open my eyes to my own emotional intelligence. Three questions each focused on: self-awareness, social awareness, self-management, relationship management—totaling 15 close-ended questions and two open-ended opinion questions.

I enjoyed this project because I received knowledge, good and bad, about myself that I was not aware. This was hard for me because I’ve always seen myself as a very aware person. I have high anxiety and I constantly try to stay aware of how my actions affect others. I speak when spoken to, I listen intently, I never try to be loud in public settings, I use my manners (please, thank you, excuse me), and I always, always, pay attention to facial expressions and body language. However, I still missed some important aspects about being socially aware. I learned that it is important to not be so aware. I need to allow myself to be more of myself in public settings because people can feel when I’m trying too hard.

Survey Link:

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1MaE8muknul3FNlBgtQGlvFEgZv_b4KYVLWta4zPSX5M/viewform?edit_requested=true#responses

[theliterateape]

Beyoncé’s Lemonade Suckers

By David Himmel

“You have to get older to leave your legacy.” — Lady Gaga

Since 1994, I’ve had the Oasis song, Supersonic playing in my head to some degree. That was when I first heard the band and immediately began devouring the music with a voraciousness only a teenager can display.

Oasis has been a favorite band since. Though I stopped buying the group’s albums after Standing on the Shoulder of Giants because I thought the quality had slipped, the first three albums and every B-side that came from those recording sessions remain in a place of fondness and reverence. So when the band released box sets of Definitely Maybe, (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? and Be Here Now, I didn’t pause a second to purchase them. Well, my then girlfriend and now wife, Katie, bought me Definitely Maybe for my birthday but only because I made such a fanboy fuss over it that she would be remiss not to. She was a good girlfriend and that’s part of the reason why I married her.

These Oasis box sets were released to coincide with the 20-year anniversary of the original release of Definitely Maybe and then (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?. They came with a big black book of stories about the band and the making of the record, retrospective writings and photos, and collectible items like post cards, pins, tote bags and key chains, and 180-gram, remastered vinyl LPs, a few vinyl singles and a three-disk CD set with the remastered album as well as demos, B-sides, live cuts and alternate recordings. And, of course, digital downloads of all of this. Well, not the tote bags. You can’t digitally download a tote bag, ya goof.

Your opinion of Oasis doesn’t matter. These were fantastic purchases for fans who were still in love with the albums and had a feeling of nostalgia for what the music represents as well as an interest in how the music and the band holds up today. It would be a great purchase for newer Oasis fans, too, looking to get all of the band’s offerings in one fell swoop. All of this for the low price of $200 per box set.

Now, on the other side of my musical marital bed is my wife. Where I have attended services held by Oasis' Noel and Liam Gallagher, Katie is a cardinal in the Church of Beyoncé. So when Lemonade was released on April 26, 2016, she went, understandably, ballistic. She bought the digital album and watched the HBO film on repeat for several days. It was even part of the entertainment at her bachelorette party—naked dues in the afternoon, black feminism in the evening. The film remains delete proof on our DVR.

Lemonade is a helluva work of art. The way Bey released it, the way the HBO film complimented and added to the album, the way it was so personally raw… Lemonade went on to collect awards and praise easier than my Roomba collects my dog’s hair and my wife’s hair ties and my Cocoa Krispie cereal crumbs. Regardless of what you think of the music or the film or of Beyoncé, it’s hard to deny the immediate impact of the album.

You see, this isn’t about the quality of the music. It doesn’t matter if you love or hate Oasis or Beyoncé. This is about the illusion of self-importance. And in the 1990s, there were no two men more obsessed with their self-importance than Noel and Liam Gallagher. In the 2010s, that title goes to Queen B.

Just 16 months after Lemonade disrupted the world of pop culture, Beyoncé released the limited-edition box set, How to Make Lemonade. It’s a behind the scenes look at, well, the making of Lemonade. A 600-page book weighing in at 15.8 pounds—yes, I put it on our bathroom scale. The book was hyped as having never before seen photos of the inspiration behind the album. There’s a double 180-gram vinyl LP as well as digital and visual downloads. No tote bags, however, unfortunately for Katie and her like-minded cardinals. She’ll have to keep using my Oasis tote.

When How to Make Lemonade went up for pre-sale, Katie logged on and paid the $300. She was excited to get the vinyl and the additional downloads. But when you consider the economics of commerce, the thing she and all the others really paid for was the 600-page, 15.8-pound coffee table book of which I am confident after a few flips, will become the world’s most high-end dust collector ever brought to market. I know this because we have a lot of heavy coffee table books that live nowhere near our coffee table. They live on the lowest level of our bookshelves—blankets of dust covering their hard covers, which protect their pages of glossy, beautiful art and history. Hell, that’s exactly the condition of my Oasis box set books. The dust is so thick on those things, the Gallagher Brothers could easily cut it, line it up and snort it like some kind of rock history powder drug.

But before I buried those books where they belong, I flipped through them and read the stories and took in the photos and enjoyed looking back on the past 20 years while listening to my favorite songs from a time when things were different. Very different. The music now, the retrospective now, provides new shape and new experiences and engagement. That’s the best part about those Oasis box sets—they are time capsules. That’s the best part about all box sets. Box sets bring in the best and more of your previous life and remind you of what you were and what you can be. Usually, by the time these things are released, we’ve forgotten ourselves. Maybe we’ve forgotten the songs and the bands who made them. We need these box sets all these years later.

Beyoncé’s How to Make Lemonade does none of this. And not because it doesn’t have the ability to do so but because it hasn’t given itself enough time to be able to do so. It hasn’t earned enough street cred.

This is not the album’s or box set’s fault. Of course, not. This is Beyoncé’s doing. And for a woman who understands the intricacies of brand and impact, she should have known better. But she also understands the intricacies of brand and impact, and above all, she understands how important she is. And she knows how her followers, like lemmings to the edge of the earth, will follow her anywhere and do whatever she says and buy whatever she sells. They are loyal, they are always hungry for more of what Queen B is dishing up, even if it is 15.8 pounds of gruel. Beautiful, glossy-page gruel.

How to Make Lemonade was a cash grab. And as a result of this grab, Beyoncé blew the opportunity to surprise and excite the world in 20 years when, in the case that it happens, she needs to remind the world of how incredible she was.

Yes, Oasis can be accused of the same thing—cash grabbing. But if that were true, and there may be some truth to it since there’s no way any of the guys are pulling down the dough they were two decades ago, they had good reason. Because, well, they aren’t pulling down the same dough they were two decades ago.

I’ve read through How to Make Lemonade. It’s rich with beautiful images and surely offers a look into the making of the album. For a superfan, it’s an orgy of joy and brilliance. For the casual fan or studious sociologist, it provides insight into the struggle of black women through imagery and Malcom X quotes. And it provides insight into the pride and relevance of the black woman through imagery and Hattie White Quotes. (Hattie White being Beyoncé’s husband, Jay Z’s grandmother—the woman who inspired the title of the original album.) And she’s made a case for the pregnant woman, too, as there are photographs of her on tour while pregnant with her twins. She makes that look easy. As if any woman could do it. And that’s what Beyoncé’s feminism has always been about. (“Who run the world? Girls!”) Of course, it helps if you’re Beyoncé. And it helps to have a perfectly curated photo album helping you make your case.

Although, the book isn’t all that perfectly curated. The foreword written by Michael Eric Dyson states in part: “Beyoncé pushed herself harder, and with greater velocity, and morw [sic] e [sic] force, under incalculable pressure, and with greater skill, arguably, than anyone ever.” I had to read it over several times to make sure that I was seeing what I was seeing. “morw e force.” Maybe it’s a Latin phrase I don’t know. Or maybe it’s French, I thought, giving Beyoncé and a Dyson and a pop culture blitz of this magnitude the benefit of the doubt. I looked it up in the dictionary and online, and came up with nothing. It’s not Latin or French. It’s a typo. The closest thing you’ll find to “morw e force” is in the Urban Dictionary, which defines only morw as: “to express that someone is fat in a specific area on their body. use hand gestures to signify where exactly this area is located. usually used when somone [sic] walks by with a weirdly huge ass, or abnormally huge area of body fat usually hanging off body due to force of gravity. also usd [sic] to make fun of people we don't like.” So there’s that. But if that’s what Dyson intended to convey, it doesn’t work.

How to Make Lemonade was a cash grab. And as a result of this grab, Beyoncé blew the opportunity to surprise and excite the world in 20 years when, in the case that it happens, she needs to remind the world of how incredible she was.

Full disclosure: I’ve published plenty of writing that has gone to publication and print that has typos. It’s not often, but it happens. Mistakes happen, even to American Royalty like Beyoncé. But this is Beyoncé we’re talking about here. This project had more people involved in its ideal perfect design than any book I’ve worked on or any magazine or newspaper article I’ve ever written. The worst part is that Beyoncé herself is listed as the book’s editor in chief and creative director.

I can’t help but think, having been in the position of editor in chief and creative director—yes, on smaller scales—had Bey not rushed to get How to Make Lemonade out the door, she might have caught that mistake. Thing is, there’s not a ton of text in the book either so it’s hard to blame text-eye fatigue. It’s unfortunate. It's the price of rushing—forcing—legacy.

I recognize that Lemonade carried with it a message of importance—engagement, public unrest, blackness, feminism—and I applaud that, especially when compared to—by my own doing—Oasis albums about being a rock star, doing cocaine and drinking. But impact and influence, when true, only become more so with time. Bey has not given Lemonade time. Whatever fruit Lemonade—and Beyoncé as a whole—may go on to bare, what she has to give us right now is only just barely ripe.

[literateape]

Beyoncé’s Lemonade Suckers

By David Himmel

“You have to get older to leave your legacy.” — Lady Gaga

Since 1994, I’ve had the Oasis song, Supersonic playing in my head to some degree. That was when I first heard the band and immediately began devouring the music with a voraciousness only a teenager can display.

Oasis has been a favorite band since. Though I stopped buying the group’s albums after Standing on the Shoulder of Giants because I thought the quality had slipped, the first three albums and every B-side that came from those recording sessions remain in a place of fondness and reverence. So when the band released box sets of Definitely Maybe, (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? and Be Here Now, I didn’t pause a second to purchase them. Well, my then girlfriend and now wife, Katie, bought me Definitely Maybe for my birthday but only because I made such a fanboy fuss over it that she would be remiss not to. She was a good girlfriend and that’s part of the reason why I married her.

These Oasis box sets were released to coincide with the 20-year anniversary of the original release of Definitely Maybe and then (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?. They came with a big black book of stories about the band and the making of the record, retrospective writings and photos, and collectible items like post cards, pins, tote bags and key chains, and 180-gram, remastered vinyl LPs, a few vinyl singles and a three-disk CD set with the remastered album as well as demos, B-sides, live cuts and alternate recordings. And, of course, digital downloads of all of this. Well, not the tote bags. You can’t digitally download a tote bag, ya goof.

Your opinion of Oasis doesn’t matter. These were fantastic purchases for fans who were still in love with the albums and had a feeling of nostalgia for what the music represents as well as an interest in how the music and the band holds up today. It would be a great purchase for newer Oasis fans, too, looking to get all of the band’s offerings in one fell swoop. All of this for the low price of $200 per box set.

Now, on the other side of my musical marital bed is my wife. Where I have attended services held by Oasis' Noel and Liam Gallagher, Katie is a cardinal in the Church of Beyoncé. So when Lemonade was released on April 26, 2016, she went, understandably, ballistic. She bought the digital album and watched the HBO film on repeat for several days. It was even part of the entertainment at her bachelorette party—naked dues in the afternoon, black feminism in the evening. The film remains delete proof on our DVR.

Lemonade is a helluva work of art. The way Bey released it, the way the HBO film complimented and added to the album, the way it was so personally raw… Lemonade went on to collect awards and praise easier than my Roomba collects my dog’s hair and my wife’s hair ties and my Cocoa Krispie cereal crumbs. Regardless of what you think of the music or the film or of Beyoncé, it’s hard to deny the immediate impact of the album.

You see, this isn’t about the quality of the music. It doesn’t matter if you love or hate Oasis or Beyoncé. This is about the illusion of self-importance. And in the 1990s, there were no two men more obsessed with their self-importance than Noel and Liam Gallagher. In the 2010s, that title goes to Queen B.

Just 16 months after Lemonade disrupted the world of pop culture, Beyoncé released the limited-edition box set, How to Make Lemonade. It’s a behind the scenes look at, well, the making of Lemonade. A 600-page book weighing in at 15.8 pounds—yes, I put it on our bathroom scale. The book was hyped as having never before seen photos of the inspiration behind the album. There’s a double 180-gram vinyl LP as well as digital and visual downloads. No tote bags, however, unfortunately for Katie and her like-minded cardinals. She’ll have to keep using my Oasis tote.

When How to Make Lemonade went up for pre-sale, Katie logged on and paid the $300. She was excited to get the vinyl and the additional downloads. But when you consider the economics of commerce, the thing she and all the others really paid for was the 600-page, 15.8-pound coffee table book of which I am confident after a few flips, will become the world’s most high-end dust collector ever brought to market. I know this because we have a lot of heavy coffee table books that live nowhere near our coffee table. They live on the lowest level of our bookshelves—blankets of dust covering their hard covers, which protect their pages of glossy, beautiful art and history. Hell, that’s exactly the condition of my Oasis box set books. The dust is so thick on those things, the Gallagher Brothers could easily cut it, line it up and snort it like some kind of rock history powder drug.

But before I buried those books where they belong, I flipped through them and read the stories and took in the photos and enjoyed looking back on the past 20 years while listening to my favorite songs from a time when things were different. Very different. The music now, the retrospective now, provides new shape and new experiences and engagement. That’s the best part about those Oasis box sets—they are time capsules. That’s the best part about all box sets. Box sets bring in the best and more of your previous life and remind you of what you were and what you can be. Usually, by the time these things are released, we’ve forgotten ourselves. Maybe we’ve forgotten the songs and the bands who made them. We need these box sets all these years later.

Beyoncé’s How to Make Lemonade does none of this. And not because it doesn’t have the ability to do so but because it hasn’t given itself enough time to be able to do so. It hasn’t earned enough street cred.

This is not the album’s or box set’s fault. Of course, not. This is Beyoncé’s doing. And for a woman who understands the intricacies of brand and impact, she should have known better. But she also understands the intricacies of brand and impact, and above all, she understands how important she is. And she knows how her followers, like lemmings to the edge of the earth, will follow her anywhere and do whatever she says and buy whatever she sells. They are loyal, they are always hungry for more of what Queen B is dishing up, even if it is 15.8 pounds of gruel. Beautiful, glossy-page gruel.

How to Make Lemonade was a cash grab. And as a result of this grab, Beyoncé blew the opportunity to surprise and excite the world in 20 years when, in the case that it happens, she needs to remind the world of how incredible she was.

Yes, Oasis can be accused of the same thing—cash grabbing. But if that were true, and there may be some truth to it since there’s no way any of the guys are pulling down the dough they were two decades ago, they had good reason. Because, well, they aren’t pulling down the same dough they were two decades ago.

I’ve read through How to Make Lemonade. It’s rich with beautiful images and surely offers a look into the making of the album. For a superfan, it’s an orgy of joy and brilliance. For the casual fan or studious sociologist, it provides insight into the struggle of black women through imagery and Malcom X quotes. And it provides insight into the pride and relevance of the black woman through imagery and Hattie White Quotes. (Hattie White being Beyoncé’s husband, Jay Z’s grandmother—the woman who inspired the title of the original album.) And she’s made a case for the pregnant woman, too, as there are photographs of her on tour while pregnant with her twins. She makes that look easy. As if any woman could do it. And that’s what Beyoncé’s feminism has always been about. (“Who run the world? Girls!”) Of course, it helps if you’re Beyoncé. And it helps to have a perfectly curated photo album helping you make your case.

Although, the book isn’t all that perfectly curated. The foreword written by Michael Eric Dyson states in part: “Beyoncé pushed herself harder, and with greater velocity, and morw [sic] e [sic] force, under incalculable pressure, and with greater skill, arguably, than anyone ever.” I had to read it over several times to make sure that I was seeing what I was seeing. “morw e force.” Maybe it’s a Latin phrase I don’t know. Or maybe it’s French, I thought, giving Beyoncé and a Dyson and a pop culture blitz of this magnitude the benefit of the doubt. I looked it up in the dictionary and online, and came up with nothing. It’s not Latin or French. It’s a typo. The closest thing you’ll find to “morw e force” is in the Urban Dictionary, which defines only morw as: “to express that someone is fat in a specific area on their body. use hand gestures to signify where exactly this area is located. usually used when somone [sic] walks by with a weirdly huge ass, or abnormally huge area of body fat usually hanging off body due to force of gravity. also usd [sic] to make fun of people we don't like.” So there’s that. But if that’s what Dyson intended to convey, it doesn’t work.

How to Make Lemonade was a cash grab. And as a result of this grab, Beyoncé blew the opportunity to surprise and excite the world in 20 years when, in the case that it happens, she needs to remind the world of how incredible she was.

Full disclosure: I’ve published plenty of writing that has gone to publication and print that has typos. It’s not often, but it happens. Mistakes happen, even to American Royalty like Beyoncé. But this is Beyoncé we’re talking about here. This project had more people involved in its ideal perfect design than any book I’ve worked on or any magazine or newspaper article I’ve ever written. The worst part is that Beyoncé herself is listed as the book’s editor in chief and creative director.

I can’t help but think, having been in the position of editor in chief and creative director—yes, on smaller scales—had Bey not rushed to get How to Make Lemonade out the door, she might have caught that mistake. Thing is, there’s not a ton of text in the book either so it’s hard to blame text-eye fatigue. It’s unfortunate. It's the price of rushing—forcing—legacy.

I recognize that Lemonade carried with it a message of importance—engagement, public unrest, blackness, feminism—and I applaud that, especially when compared to—by my own doing—Oasis albums about being a rock star, doing cocaine and drinking. But impact and influence, when true, only become more so with time. Bey has not given Lemonade time. Whatever fruit Lemonade—and Beyoncé as a whole—may go on to bare, what she has to give us right now is only just barely ripe.

[indigomountaingirl]

Major Life Changes

Quite a few of you have been inquiring as to what is going on with me, and a few of you have been a part of the more intimate journey.  I have debated how much to share publicly because it would mean speaking out about my shame, embarrassment and current declining emotional state. I haven’t felt very social as of late and have grown exhausted of inquiries of “how are you?” I have been struggling with some pretty major depression for over a year now.  I had a series of spiritual experiences starting at Arise two years ago that were followed by an intense phase of darkness. I recovered briefly last summer after my trip to Witch Camp and the Red Wood forest.  Traveling has often been immensely healing for me.   In August of 2016, I had it all (in my opinion).  I made the most money of my 2 year spiritual practice and business working less than 2 weeks that month.  I attended Mystery School and connected many dots of consciousness and had a teacher who could actually help me develop my abilities as a Seer.  I lived in my dream location out in the woods West of Boulder in a solar powered cabin by the creek.  I was making it running a spiritual practice working minimally and traveling extensively.  I was able to take a trip a month at the beginning of last year.  Running my spiritual practice over the last 2 years was the first time I had ever been proud of what I did to make money.  Despite its ups and downs, in the first year I was independently able to afford my life living alone in Boulder.  Life was magical and synchronic even in its unsteadiness.   My Mystery School Teacher recognized my sensitive nature in class and recommended I receive a session from him which I did the day before he returned to Italy.  As soon as he took his hands out of my energy field, a respiratory sickness set in and a cough began that lasted in that round 8 weeks.  I was too sick to work and then embarked on the journey to Standing Rock where I witnessed so much hatred and love and unwell spirits that I came home harboring even more collective crud and my sickness increased.  I had by far the worst month of my practice in October with only 1 client.  After 8 weeks of bed rest and healing by myself in the woods, I was ready to go once more, thankfully, I had been able to live off the reserves of my great month of business. In November, I was offered what seemed like a great client opportunity online.  It seemed like the financial break that I was looking for.  It ended up being a scam that drained me of my remaining thousands of dollars. I was left with no means to pay my bills and a broken heart. Thankfully a friend rallied for me and raised $1,500 via crowd funding which helped get me through.  The shame I felt from having to ask for help was huge.  Soon after, someone I had been working with for a while offered me more work and I began to dig into that welcoming the financial break that it offered. In addition, I had been in and out of a relationship for the past year with a man who I loved/love deeply but our dynamic didn’t operate in a way that felt emotionally supportive of either of us (I assume) and I went through repeated cycles of feeling mentally abused and abandoned and so confused about the love/leave repeat patterns of our relationship. Each time we went away from each other I experienced full blown physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms as if he had been a drug and maybe in many ways he was.  It still feels like getting over just this piece will take some time. Add increasing heartbreak at all points. On Christmas Day, I moved into the bigger cabin on my property with elation.  It felt like the ultimate upgrade and gift to self. I had more space for guests and friends and personal expression.  I had loved my little cabin but the big cabin was something even beyond that.   I was completely at peace with where I lived, rent increase and all. I celebrated New Years as an independent woman in angst surrounded by beloved community members who held space for me while I kicked and punched and screamed saddened by having to be there uncoupled with my love.  I spent a few more weeks sick with the respiratory infection/withdrawal and grief/trauma symptoms that have been a consistent companion as of late. I was seeing clients less as my un-wellness increased.  After a time, it became clear that I was in no place to be holding space for others and I let my healing practice dwindle.  The one thing I love and actually am good at, I no longer felt able to do and I have been grieving that loss as well.   For months, I have been sitting in the inquiry of what else is there?  And who am I if not this?  The answer to that seems to become further away with each day. At least I had a part time job that was keeping my head slightly above the water and a home that I loved.   At the beginning of February, I was informed by the woman who was taking over my side job that I no longer had a job. It was sudden and done in a way that felt like the year of work I put in prior to that was valueless and not even worth an explanation of why.  I still didn’t panic, grateful that the 2 personal relationships where I felt “not good enough” had faded away however painfully. I had some figuring to do.  My rent had increased $600 and I still didn’t feel able to hold space for the healing of others in practice.  So I put it out there that I was looking to rent my extra room to a friend and was elated when the perfect souls showed up.  I still cried every day but found relief when looking out my windows at the moon and aspen trees and thinking at least if this is where I live, everything is okay. My beautiful friend Jill came to stay with her dog Bella and her presence was life changing.  Mostly, because it kept me from the darkest throes of my depression.  Even if she didn’t always know how to deal with my pain, just her natural presence and giving nature had a huge impact.  Things were looking up though, I had my extra room rented and installed a beautiful door and took a big breath knowing that my rent was covered for the time being and I got to stay in my mountain oasis. Then the two by four smack against my soul struck again.  The landlord found out (I totally own my part in not communicating proper) and I was promptly and without conversation evicted from my tree house.  Talk about devastation on top of devastation.  I loved it up there.  It was in the woods away from people, I had a dance studio with pole set up, I did ceremonies on the creek.  I frikin adored where I lived.  So having it ripped away felt like I was losing an integral piece of my inner peace. Just when I thought the depression and trend of my life couldn’t get worse, it did. I packed everything up even though I had just literally finished unpacking from the move from the little cabin. I was in the big cabin less than 2 months when I was asked to leave.  AND THEN, I moved back into my parents’ house. In the city…surrounded by all the people that live here. I do love my parents but after being on my own since I was 17 this felt like a major step back.   Then I promptly got sick again, this time with the worst throat and lung pain yet.  I literally couldn’t breath and every time I coughed it felt like shattered glass on the inside of my throat.  My depression was also at its worst and I became very suicidal in mind.  The suicidal thoughts wouldn’t last super long usually 20 minutes to an hour but during those times I was so low that I became really frightened at the state I was in.  So finally, I took myself to Urgent Care.  Traditional care appointments were booked weeks out and I needed help right away. I was given a breathing test which I failed and told I had asthma and that my allergies were causing the chronic coughs. I have since undertaken an allergy test which indeed showed me that out of 66 common allergens I am HIGHLY allergic to 52 of them.  This is what was causing the illnesses, this too was what was causing the high levels of inflammation in my system leading to the severe depression.  Both the depression and my coughs started simultaneously after I left Burning Man in 2016.   Finally, I began to have an idea of what I needed to address in my health.  Still not feeling up to running a healing practice I began driving for LYFT as part of their new driver incentive program. I needed flexible work that I could partake in in a new location while I figured out my next move.  Talk about a humbling experience.  I went from making $100-$150 per hour working less than 10 hours per week to making $10-$16 per hour working over 50 hours per week.   It’s been real.   Currently, I have been misplaced from my beloved mountain home and life as I knew it for about 3 weeks.  In that time, I have cried more than I ever thought humanly possible, visited the darkest mental places I have had the pleasure of experiencing in this lifetime and at the same time received monumental levels of support from my friends, community, and family. I have decided to take a soul break in Mexico for a while and Holly and I are leaving for a wedding mid-April on a one way ticket.  That thankfully, has been a spot of light amidst all this darkness.  In addition, I have decided to get serious about my health and healing my heart.  With this much upheaval I KNOW that something bigger is moving in my world.  Life as I knew it is over.  It’s time that everything changed.   Two of my life’s greatest loves are subtle energy and movement.  Since I stopped feeling able to show up in my healing practice I have been sitting in the inquiry of what else is there?  If I am not doing this then who am I?  What do I do? I have to tell you that being a taxi driver isn’t it!   I’m the type of personality that can’t exist for very long participating in activities or relationships that don’t feel aligned with my soul.  I can survive within in them for a while but usually these things don’t last long term at least my happiness doesn’t last.  I try to live a life that I love and while running my own business was a huge challenge it provided me with the freedom I desire and also was the first career of my life that I was genuinely proud of.  I’d like to get back to that place.   What is clear is that my health needs to come first.  Until I feel better, things can’t take their full shape. I’ve been lead once again to myself.  How do I develop myself in such a way that I move forward in attracting the life that I desire?  Freedom, financial stability and doing what I love as much as possible. I have made a decision to join with Beach Body as an online fitness coach.  I have been using Beach Body programs for many years with great results.  I usually focused on the workout and not the nutrition and this time that piece is going to change.  I will be focusing on my own personal fitness and health transformation while helping others do the same. This avenue is great because it provides me with the flexibility that I desire, I get to work on myself in the process, it’s doing what I love and am already doing anyway and I can utilize my skills as an energy practitioner all at the same time. Win Win. While I am away in Mexico I will be putting my focus into some serious soul rest and also building my online businesses. Beach Body is great because you can achieve great results all from the comfort of home.  I certainly have loved it over the years and am very excited to bring it into my world as a level up in self-care and financial prosperity. I know the work that goes into creating your own business and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I keep trying to find other opportunities and I keep getting led back here to helping, to healing and to cultivating self.  In order for me to be great I have to feel great and this feels like a step in the right direction.   So, if you would like to join me in your own personal transformation. If you would like to work out from the comfort of your own home, if you would like great resources on eating right and nutrition feel free to reach out and I can guide to how you too can have all of these things. It’s time to level up.  ENERGize! I will be coming out with a series of videos on exercises that you can use to develop your subtle energy skills, mindfulness practices and also to shift energetic collapse (depression), trauma and anger. If you’ve read this far, thank you for staying with me! I look forward to connecting with you soon.

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