#my anxiety was BONKERS last night super late

[banannabethchase]

Fell asleep at 4,

Woke up at 9:30,

The Bucks bio update,

Made my brain all hurty.

[midnightmisadventures]

Ive had so many fun dreams lately but for some reason i’m coming to write about the scary ones

Um been having nightmares. Last night and today. And they feel really heavy, but important. And frankly i do hate them. Please no more nightmares. But maybe if i write about them i’ll prove to spirit that im listening and then they’ll stop 

First Dream: 

Last night i had a dream where the fam of 5 was traveling, driving road trip vibes probably to florida. We were all together packing the car and idk how but all of a sudden erikka was missing. And we knew immediately there was foul play. We were in a sketchy area ad there were cars going in and out and we were afraid she was kidknapped for trafficking. It was so anxiety inducing, and i tried to keep praying and have a positive attitude that she was strong, she would find a way out, she would show make it home. I kept hoping she would show up any minute. But as hours past i kept getting more worried that i’d never see her again, that something terrible happened. And i was crying and and already grieving. In this dreamverse apparently something similar had happened to dalvin a while back. And erikka used some sort of manifestation power to bring him home safely. So i felt like absolutely garbage that i couldnt do the same for her, i was beating myself up. I kept saying “im supposed to be good at this, i feel useless” 

Next Dream: 

This one was so so very odd. Basically we were at chip and it was the anniversary of this well known historical environmental event. And it happened near the west end fairgrounds or something. So there was a lot of hype and press in our area during this.... 100th anniversary or something like that. I don’t really remember, but there were 10 guys all brothers and they won a contest? or something? from someone in....ohio or some random state. Back in the early 1900s. Anyway, an almost catastrophic event was witnessed by a bunch of people. A huge asteroid hurdled towards earth and grazed the side of it (near west end fairgrounds) and chipped a piece of land. It was marvelous that only a few inches kept it from hitting earth directly and splitting the earth in half. Or doing dinosaur level damage or something else crazy. It couldve killed a ton of people or been an end to humanity. So whatever....a hundred years later or so, they were able to do a super techy demonstration and show what almost happened and what didnt happen through like a hologram projector and the whole town watched and it was really snowy outside and i wasnt wearing pants. It was just trippy to think about how something like that could happen at any moment and kill us. For some reason i made the comment “it always scared me that the fact that an asteroid hasnt hit earth with humans on it is completely by chance and hasnt happened yet which means odds are it WILL happen soon. But i always forget about THIS historic moment, which makes me feel safer in that something technically DID happen” 

Final Dream: 

Okay so again, at chip present day. And i wake up with a bunch of messages from people from high school saying to call....our class prez. Which was so odd, ive never had a personal relationship with him. But everyone was blowing up all socials and talking about something crazy that happened. His twin sister reached out to me and said to call him. Like PV social media was going bonkers!! So i was busy all day, it was always ET’s birthday maybe for a date reference? And the more i ignored it, the more people hit my line. Even claire, messaged me by the end of the day saying “call class prez he’s really not doing well” and i was like WOAH. Cause that means people wanted me to call him so bad that they had reached out to my friends who didnt even go to pv to get my attention. I told erikka “idk why they want me, is it because im good at saying calming words” and she said idk it seemed more specific like he wants to “apologize.” SO then im like what?? By time i call him its 1:03am. But he answered and apparently. A couple of kids from our grad class passed away and class prez was really emotional about it. I remember one being Austin H. And he was so sad and unstable that he made a comment online saying something along the lines of “this is worse than gilaine maxwell creating slave camps for black people” ???? Bro i have no idea. 

So class prez gets ALOT of flack for this comment. I mean its career ruining, he’s getting death threats. So maybe he wanted individual calls from black peers to hear their genuine opinion? So we’re on the phone and he’s profusely apologizing, saying what he said was unacceptable. He said “im sure youve heard my ghislane maxwell comment” i said no...havent got the chance. So he plays me a historic video about supposedly the “actual history” of these slave camps he was referencing. The video had this eerie 1900s black racist cartoon vibe that makes my blood curl. It was about these talented black people being condemmed and found guilty for things they didnt do. The evidence was so blatantly there and still everyone convicted them and sent them to be tortured and die at these camps. It was EXTREMELY unsetteling to watch and to be watching with class prez. Also in the dream, it felt inescabable and scary and for a little it felt like i was there. Like it was playing in my chip bedroom but i went top bunk and i could feel the sticks they were beating the black people with. It felt soooooo evil and sinister, and seriously idk what ancestors are communicating with me via dreams or what they want because this was DARK. So then class prez is asking for my take, and why it matters, and why its bad. And im saying he obvious stuff. The videos message was basically like “it didnt matter if black people were educated, doctors, laywers, scientists, hey were gonna slaughter and torture us anyway” so i didnt know if the vibe was like “be greatful that black people are allowed to have careers?? or get vengeance on white people....it was just so intense. 

So when the video was over and i got off the call, i was so uncomfortable and unsettled. Felt like i had waken up from a nightmare or finished a scary movie. So i desperately tried to turn all the lights back on but ofc it was a dream so everything was dim. Still didnt catch it though. I tried finding my parents for comfort. 

Awful right? No more nightmares 

[worminstuff]

IM BORED. TBOTT HEADCANONS.

random obscure headcanons for the boys we all miss most- the tbott family.

warnings: pure family content. (there’s no tws)

word count: i don’t know i’m not even putting my auto caps on.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

dadza!

oh father phil, how we have missed you.

this man folds his socks.

drinks black coffee, but when wilburs making iced coffees and stuff, he always asks for one.

when techno was about 9 and said he wanted to learn how to ride a bike finally, phil was ecstatic. he was super excited but since techno is techno, he didn’t need phil’s help at all really. phil watched like a soccer mom while 9 year old techno taught himself how to ride a bike.

phil h a t e s mustard. tommy puts it in his burger when he’s not looking.

phil gets very worried when his kids get quiet. besides techno. but the other three- he gets reaalllll worried.

he once ate an entire apple, core and all, to prove a point to tommy. 4 year old tommy. he cried.

phil then acted pregnant for a week saying he was gonna have an apple baby. tommy hates apples now.

phil did feel bad after he realized what trauma he caused-

phil tries to give techno dating advice for y/n but techno always brings up the “but you’re single. and you’ve been single-“ every time. phil then mocks him like a child. techno finds it hilarious. (which is secretly why phil does it)

wil to the bur

he smokes cigarettes because they help him calm down, and he thinks the smell is actually nice.

he sleeps with like 8 blankets on his bed.

when he and techno where much younger, he used to sleep in technos bed with him. phil thought it was because techno had a nightmare or something but wilbur or techno never told him it was cause wilbur gets lonely at night.

wilbur = party animal

wilbur brought y/n to her first party, and it was bonkers. he has polaroids of them from that night that he keeps in his wallet.

wilbur takes tommy on “brother days” where they go on adventures and tommy picks where they go. wilburs favorite was when they played hide and seek in a target. he surprisingly didn’t loose tommy.

wilbur bakes when he’s stressed. that’s why tommy always has cookies in his school lunch bags.

when wilbur wanted to move out, y/n offered her house since no one really lives there but her parents still payed for it. and he was still close to home but with the independency he wanted. he didn’t take her up on it until a month after she offered.

wilbur doesn’t enjoy receiving gifts as much as he prefers to give.

wilbur got into a college near by, but tommy didn’t understand that it ment he would be staying home for school so he freaked. wilbur actually ended up spending the night in his room after explaining he wasn’t leaving his little bro.

wilbur did shit his pants in a park out of fear one time. he was 4. phil has a picture of him crying on the car ride home with no pants on and clean underwear. it’s in both their wallets.

satan spaw- tommy.

tommy had separation anxiety as a baby.

tommys favorite person is y/n because she’s the only mother ish figure he ever had growing up, and that resonated with him more than he could understand.

one time when tommy was about 8 he snuck over to y/n’s house because she wasn’t staying at theirs and he was scared something was gonna happen to her. he scared the shit out of her but she let him stay the night and brought him back early so phil wasn’t scared.

tommy bit a dog once.

tommy once tried to slap a bug out of tubbos hand and “accidentally” slapped him across the face. tubbo then ate an apple i front of him.

tommy cried.

tommys first girlfriends name was elle, she was a sweety. funnily enough tho, when she came over to hangout with tommy she met techno. apparently, she was quite fond of techno. the relationship was short.

tommy hates lady bugs.

tommy had velcro shoes till he was 10.

when tommy got much much older, he gave y/n a similar ring to the one he swallowed as a christmas present. she cried, which made him cry, and then phil cried, and then techno and wilbur laughed at them all.

tommy actually gave y/n a mother’s day card as a joke when he was like 17 but y/n cried and he gave her a big hug and she told him how proud of him she was and how lucky she felt to be a very loose version of a mom/big sister to him.

pink hair boy

y/n once told him he smelled bad and he didn’t talk to her for 48 hours.

techno and y/n started staying at her house once phil allowed them when they turned 18 and techno loved bonk (y/ns cat)

him and the cat were besties. bonk would sit on his shoulders.

techno holds y/ns pinky sometimes when he’s doing something but wants to sorta hold her hand.

techno likes to help y/n pick outfits, not in a controlling you can’t wear this cause to much skin, he just likes to make her try on a bunch of things.

techno had 3 favorite hoodies, one is one of phil’s old ones, one is from will, and the last he bought himself but tommy wears it often.

techno bakes with wilbur late at night sometimes.

technos fondest memory as a child was when y/n made him a book. it was a story about a rabbit, and he still has it on his bookcase.

after will graduated college and moved out of y/ns house and the sleepy house fully and got his own, techno and y/n actually moved in to her house.

they decorated it, and even painted it new. y/n was really greatful he let her stay in her childhood home.

but techno didn’t tell her it was because he was scared of moving away from tommy, and the treehouse too. he never wanted to not be able to have moments with her in the treehouse.

techno and bo became amazing friends and even ended up going to the same college. it was a community college but- yk-

[kingstylesdaily]

What the 2021 Grammy Awards Will Look Like

Artists including Billie Eilish, BTS, and Taylor Swift will perform in a circle of five stages with masked crew at the center — in a ceremony that first-time showrunner Ben Winston calls “part Grammys, part Abbey Road studio session”

Ben Winston is exhausted. The television producer, who moved from the U.K. to Los Angeles six years ago to start The Late Late Show With James Corden, is a week away from executive-producing his first Grammys telecast. “I literally had two hours of sleep last night,” he tells Rolling Stone via Zoom.

On Sunday, March 7th, the Recording Academy revealed a slate of performing artists for March 14th’s 63rd Annual Grammy Awards that includes Billie Eilish, BTS, Taylor Swift, Cardi B, and Harry Styles. But while those names are on the lineup, Winston knows nothing about live TV is ever set in stone — especially in the time of a pandemic —so he’s been spending his days double- and triple-checking plans, waking up at 4:30 a.m. dry-eyed and restless. He’s worked to make a show “with heart,” he says — one that “doesn’t feel isolated, quiet, or alone.” He also had to take extra steps to ensure the three-and-a-half hour show, which will not take place at the Grammys’ usual home of the Staples Center, is Covid-safe for performers and attendees. Despite all that, he appears remarkably enthusiastic and alert.

Here’s what viewers next Sunday can expect from music’s biggest night, according to Winston: a multi-stage, audience-free show that highlights the year’s creative triumphs, social justice movements, as well as Covid-19’s impact on the arts. Winston hints at several “unbelievably powerful” performances on the slate, adding that the Grammys “absolutely are acknowledging what’s happened” in the country in the last year.

Winston, who in 2018 co-produced Bruno Mars’ well-received live show at the Apollo for CBS, also wanted to highlight independent venues, which are the “lifeblood of this industry” and a launchpad for emerging musicians — so the Grammys will feature guest spots from owners and workers of iconic American venues, including L.A.’s Troubadour and Hotel Café, N.Y.’s Apollo, and Nashville’s Station Inn. “I drive past the Troubadour on my way home from work every night,” Winston says. “It’s a significant thing for me when I look at it all boarded up. I always think, ‘When those boards come down, this will be over.’ That will be the sign. That will be the day where it’s like, ‘We got through this.'” Winston realized from his conversations with venues that many of them put on their last shows on March 14th, 2020, meaning the Grammys will mark the one-year anniversary of the shutdown.

Employees will come on camera to “tell us a little bit about their venue” and present some of the awards. “So, you’ve got, like, a bartender at a beautiful, independent venue — and she’s giving out Album of the Year to these megastars,” he explains. His goal is to acknowledge the people who work tirelessly to keep these stomping grounds afloat and have recently lost their jobs. “Those venues are made up by the bartender and the security guard, the manager, the box office person, and the cleaner at the end of the night.” He hopes to remind people of the importance of supporting local venues again when it’s safe to do so.

Originally, the Grammys were scheduled for January 31st, but organizers announced a move to March right after the new year. Winston says he felt American morale was at a low point in January — between political insurrection, an impeachment trial, and Covid-19 running rampant in Los Angeles — and it “didn’t feel right” to put the show on in the middle of that. The Recording Academy and CBS, which exclusively airs the annual show, both supported his decision to postpone. “I can now do everything that I wanted to do in my best-case scenario for this year,” he says of Sunday’s show.

Sunday’s location is an undisclosed building in Los Angeles, but Winston teases that the new venue is “massive,” “magical,” and “the biggest building I’ve ever been in indoors.” “I don’t want it to look like I’m criticizing Staples, because it’s the most amazing venue,” he emphasizes, sharing that he’s open to bringing the Grammys back to the arena in the future if they ask him to. While he does believe that Staples is a safe place, he says he wanted to go above and beyond to make even the most-skeptical participants feel undoubtedly safe.

A team of Covid safety officers oversaw the production set-up, and artists will enter the stage from different directions to minimize contact. Each artist also has their own backstage area. The space “allowed us to build an entire world,” he says.

The show will involve five stages of the same size and shape, four of which are for performances and one of which is for presenters. Stages are organized in a circle, facing one another, and crew members will work from the middle of the set. “People will perform while the other three or four artists on their stages watch, applaud, and enjoy. As soon as that one finishes, the next one goes, the next one goes, and the next one goes. Every 45 minutes, you change out those stages, and you bring another four megastars into the room,” says Winston, who was partly inspired for the “part-Grammys, part-Abbey Road studio session” setup by British shows he watched as a child, including Jools Holland and TFI Friday.

It’s going to be a “bespoke night of music that I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to repeat,” Winston says. “It’s about taking a camera into a room, and making an amazing musical moment by filming it quite simply and elegantly.” Performances, which started being planned in April 2020, will be a mix of live and pre-recorded — a fully live show would involve too many crew members moving sets and risking close contact — but the whole thing is intended to feel completely live. (Winston challenges viewers to try and guess which sets are pre-recorded; he designed them to be difficult to tell.)

To help plan the sprawling, immersive show, Winston brought in a suite of collaborators including co-executive producer Jesse Collins, who produced The Weeknd’s Super Bowl halftime show; co-executive producer Raj Kapoor, who handled creative direction for various artists on the last seven Grammys and produced Vegas residencies for the likes of the Backstreet Boys and Mariah Carey; producer Fatima Robinson, whose expansive background in creative direction and choreography landed her the Black Eyed Peas’ 2011 halftime show and Kendrick Lamar’s 2016 Grammy performance; producer Misty Buckley, who handled production design for Kacey Musgraves’ 2020 Christmas show; talent executive Patrick Menton from Dick Clark Productions; Corden collaborator Josie Cliff; and Super Bowl halftime, Olympic ceremony, Oscars, and Emmys director Hamish Hamilton, who Winston describes as a “legend” he’s admired since he was 14 years old. (David Wild, who has written for the Grammys since 2001 and became a producer in 2016, is the only person returning to his role.) Winston also points out that artists were heavily involved in designing their own performances.

Rather than have cameras pan over empty seats and an awkwardly small stage, the production team decided to reinvent the visual format with the five-stage setup. The pandemic’s limitations, coupled with the advantages of new faces coming in with fresh perspectives, helped them refrain from thinking in terms of what the Grammys had done before, he said.

For the most part, Covid-19 didn’t force too many changes. It did give Winston a lot of anxiety.

“There’s been so much uncertainty with what you’re allowed to do,” he says. Changing international quarantine rules made him question whether certain performers could fly in, while health guidance keeps fluctuating: “Every time my computer or phone dings, my first instinct is, ‘Oh, God, what’s gone wrong?’ I don’t know if that’s ever been my mentality before.”

While all the performers are confirmed and currently Covid-free, “you never know, one of their girlfriends could have Covid and have to quarantine, it’s all just bonkers,” Winston says. “There’s one artist that may, in the end, not be able to make it here due to rules of the country they’re currently in. There’s one immigration issue that we’ve got left.”

The show does not have replacements on hand if anyone pulls out — it’ll just cut that performance out.

Above all, Winston wants the 2021 Grammys to focus attention off of dire times. “I want people to be able to watch the 2021 Grammys in 2040 and go, ‘Wow, what an amazing show that was,’ and not go, ‘Oh, that was the Covid year, that’s why they had to do that,'” he says. “I think that’s what we could achieve if we get it right on Sunday.”

via RollingStone.com

[banterpodcast]

hi shark can you talk At me (about anything)

yes yes yes of course i can in fact you can get the Shark Special (in which i ramble about a whole collection of things i love

firstly ive been really happy lately because my favourite band is back! they're called fredo disco and basically they have this big long history i love (also i've been kinda half officially recognised by fredo himself as the biggest fredo disco fan in my city which means the world to me)

basically ok so initially it was fredo and his two mates in a band called disco inc and they did a fun lil album called the boredom keeps me up at night and then fredo was like 'idk man i wanna do my own stuff' so started a soundcloud under the name fredo disco and then he was like nah fuck it i want to bring my friends on this journey and they released a bunch of music and then they made Another spotify called i.am.orange and they released all of their demos on their so for each song theres like 3 different versions of it in different stages of development and i love that i love seeing the changes in lyrics.

anyway during 2020 they were like 'heres a new album' that fucking FLOPPED because it was shitty soundcloud rap and then they were like 'yeah sorry no more fredo disco' and then TOOK ALL OF THEIR MUSIC OFF OF SPOTIFY and i was fucking heartbroken and then they put it back up and were like 'yeah lol new era with this other band called cacktain crunch' and they're finally releasing final versions of songs that never made it past the demo stage which makes me :D cause theyre one of the only bands i own merch for and yeah i just hold them So Dearly In My Heart :)))

OK SO NEXT TANGENT my dnd campaign is starting up again soon and im so excited my characters a half elf warlock but instead of having a contract with a god she has a contract with the cruel government that has left these adventurers stranded on this island. and so she went in like 'yes i am doing a job and monitoring these guys i dont care about' but now shes developed a soft spot for all of them and shes struggling to maintain her Girlboss image and its so fun to play with. i love my party cause we're basically all ex-theatre kids and we just have these really brilliant acting moments and all that. man. now im thinking about theatre and how much i miss it!!! i stopped acting because of anxiety but i stayed doing stage crew and tech stuff for a couple years and its my favourite i loved watching and supporting my friends while also working to make a show run smoothly.

also ok so the squirrels post got me thinking more and more about new zealand fauna that no one else gets to see :( cause basically new zealand split off from the super continent before we got any mammals (apart from like 2 species of bat) so all our species developed without needing. to develop defenses against mammals which is why we have so many flightless birds!

also this. it is so bonkers to me no one else has these!!!! these are tuatara and they're the last living direct descendant of the dinosaurs. like this is the closest thing we have to them and that is so insanely cool to me !!!!!

[cainfm]

『BILL SKARSGARD ❙ NONBINARY』 ⟿ looks like CAIN ROMANOV is here for THEIR SENIOR year as a LITERATURE student. THEY are 25 years old & known to be RIGHTEOUS, TRUE, EVASIVE & GUARDED. They’re living in MORIS, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ JAMES. 21. EST. SHE/THEY.

hdsjnf hello all ... it is james again ... here with another ... replacing noelle with cain bt it’s fine im fine. i’ve hit muse limit u wn’t hear frm me again ... so hit tht like button .. this isnt the best intro ive done bt mostly bc im just kinda like ... taking an old one n rewriting it as i go

TW CULTS, HEROIN USE / ADDICTION, DRUG ADDICTION / USE, ABUSE, PSYCHOLOGICAL / EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, PTSD, ANXIETY, TRAUMA.

aesthetics.

dangling limbs from tree branches, yellowed book pages, opened bottles of vintage wine, oversized sweaters and deep under eyes, bleached denim, worn leather gloves, cat hair against black cloth, fields of wheat, broken windows, descending staircases, tight-lipped smiles during public appearances, golden skies, light spilling from windows, stumbling over one’s own words, wire-framed beds, linens, wool scarves, making the wrong decisions; running, from others and yourself.

basic info.

full name: cain alexei romanov

nickname(s): n/a

b.o.d. - feb 19th, pisces :) happy birthday!

label(s): the connard (previously), the escapist, the facade, the fallen, the lothario (previously), the pariah, the phoenix, the puppeteer (previously), the sybarite, etc.

height: 6′4″ ... bruv.

hometown: stratford, connecticut

sexuality: bisexual uwu?

pinterest

stats

inspired by: i feel like i did ... have an inspiration for him but i don’t ... remember ... so ur not getting this one ... i might edit this later if smth pops into my head but. alas.

biography.

born to connecticut senator vaughn romanov and well known philanthropist adelaide romanov, they were born into a life of privilege in a very prominent new england family. they’re the eldest of five in a very nuclear, picture perfect, preppy chic family.

was brought up to be a class a, outstanding, perfect citizen. golden child to the all american family (willfully ignoring the fact that his father came from russian immigrants). cain listened, obeyed, never strayed outside the lines.

it was always intended for cain to take on after their father, to follow in his footsteps and become a politician too. there were several expectations for them, including joining model un, debate, deca, splitting time between soccer, track, basketball, lacrosse, becoming class president, and all while maintaining a valedictorian - worthy gpa.

even volunteered on the weekends at homeless shelters and food banks, proving to everybody in their community just how much of a gem they were, darling, perfect member of society.

always eager as a child, eager for approval, eager to impress and wow and dazzle authorities and adults alike - cain never really had a problem with any of it? always attended church on sundays and sometimes even wednesdays. participated in family dinners and christmas photoshoots and new years eve parties, easter egg hunts and family reunions.

born and raised in stratford, super close to lovell to the point where it’d always been expected that the romanov children would simply just go to radcliffe, as did their parents. their home in stratford is a big, fancy, seven bedroom eight bath house with two fireplaces and an expansive dining room. no pool, but a sturdy treehouse made by scratch.

however. their model citizen persona was just that, a persona - a charade. in the community and to his family, cain was a hardworking citizen who upheld standards, a leader. to classmates and peers, from elementary to college - cain was the devil themself.

arrogant, harrowing, an outright bully who tore down others when they felt like it, often unprovoked. they were the senator’s son, and a rich one at that - rules never applying because they simply never existed for them, the upmost privilege because of who their family happened to be and their place in society. tattlers of their behavior faced far more consequence than cain ever did, or would.

the sort of person who’d genuinely look down at someone if they had less than them - a narcissistic dickhead who cared about two or three people, tops, outside of their family. was never physically violent, nor did they raise their voice, but that’s what made them all the worse. made them all the scarier. spewed classist bullshit with ease and was addicted to the power high it gave them.

their only redeeming quality was their protectiveness over their family - never the best person, but family is family, and they thought it ought’d to be protected.

went into political science and business to please their father, mainly, every step they made - every path cain went down, every choice from the electives they took in high school to the brand of shoes they wore, was to build them into the ideal presidential candidate.

probably joined a frat though cain never participated in parties too often, known for keeping their composure even when others resorted to violence, or got too drunk, or caused any public commotion, because they didn’t like to leave a bad image for the press. did their drugs in private but left nothing to the imagination, publicly.

but alas. during college, two very important series of events occurred.

seeking thrills, searching for fun in all the wrong places - cain became a middle-man between dealers and producers. never dealt it, and never produced it, but simply transported it between one another; the less everybody knew about each other the better. it was always a very hushed operation. one that they could’ve profited much off of, though money was never the motive for them.

and then he met earl and may meyers, fellow volunteers at a thanksgiving food drive; an older couple immediately drawn to cain, reasonable considering just who their father was, and cain to them. they can’t tell you what about the couple was so appealing - the air around them was something else entirely; some called it unhinged, others would call it comforting. but they were kind folks, down to earth - very religious, and very warmhearted. liked his name, a lot - like in the bible, they’d say, and laugh, and pat his arm. they would say, on occasion, that they reminded them of their late son.

it’d happened towards the end of their junior year, a few years after they’d gotten involved in the drug business - and the meyers were volunteering more and more, always at the same places as cain. the same times, too, as if they were learning his schedule. in retrospect - it was odd, but cain’d never suspected a thing. they kept talking, and it became a genuine friendship - a secured vote in the next election.

it only took a few months into this that they’d begun to talk about religion more. the sin of wealth, and god choosing only a select few when he cleanses the earth. only the worthiest souls. they’d eventually get into the rhythm of telling cain they were special - that they could see they’d be selected, see it in their aura, in their dreams, god sending them messages, etc. most would find it to be absolutely ... bonkers.

but it was oddly appealing to cain - like, maybe i am being constrained by capitalism. maybe i am disappointing god - aren’t i a devoted follower? it felt nearly ridiculous, but it seeped into their mind. psychological manipulation, lasting over months and cain unsuspecting. as if they could ever be the one manipulated. but the meyers could ask cain to jump, and they’d simply say - how high?

soon enough, earl and may told them that they were moving. that there’d been so many more like them and that it was time to join them, time to prepare - to get ready for the rapture. cain held off at first, finishing up their first term of their senior year and their life planned right before their eyes. everything they’d ever worked for. their loyal companions and close-knit family, their side-business that’d only gotten stronger - a long-term girlfriend and the engagement ring that burnt in their pocket, made their heart beat twice as fast at the very thought. still the same as before, cruel without a cause, but still surrounded by those who loved them - who could find something in them to love.

but a month into their senior year, cain had a sudden change of heart. they were ready, now, if not now then never later. all because of a third event. a surprise. a shock. a betrayal.

they had discovered that they were not their father’s child - not at all, not even by an inch. they were someone else’s, completely. their mother had broken down and cracked, after a particularly straining christmas party. the discussion was long, and the heartbreak only grew. the anger only grew. the hurt - it grew. more and more, with each pitiful sob their mother gave them. it was a mistake - a one night stand in a fit of petty anger in the very early stages of their marriage. and only cain knew - like they had to carry this weight, now, that they never asked to have.

it was the kind of information that broke a person. cain idolized their parents, done everything they’d ever asked - ever expected, and beyond, let them mold them like putty into whatever form they wanted. only to find out that in the end, it didn’t matter. it never mattered, if cain wasn’t the blood child of vaughn. if their mother - a woman who hadn’t a bad bone in her body, was nothing but a cheat and a liar.

cain unraveled.

they spent the first week getting into an altercation with near anybody who looked at them wrong. physical, usually - though arguments arose frequently as well. with no explanation, only thrown fists - often drunk, or high, or sober too - it never mattered. they spent a night in county jail, it’d gotten so bad. it seemed to have no end.

right until new years, just after midnight, when cain had disappeared without a word. it was treated like a missing persons case, though there was no evidence of foul play or kidnapping, and not much could be done about it.

BEGINNING OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS

the only people who knew of cain’s whereabouts were the meyers - because they had left together. a last minute decision that, if they had only waited a simple minute longer, would’ve never happened. a mistake they desperately wished they could take back. a mistake that led to another event - maybe the most important one of them all.

they’d gone only hours away from stratford, and lovell, the border between new york and connecticut and not as far as cain had initially thought, but deep, deep into the woods. that was where the cult’d been. they wore white linens and cotton, but never mixed. technology banned, prayers and daily chores. it was natural, at first. for the first three months, that was.

it could’ve been grand. it was peaceful, and mind-clearing, and they treated cain as if their birth was a sign from the angels. cain come to undo his past. a potential leader. but the longer they stayed, the more apparent it became that they weren’t all that the cult had wanted, so desperately, to believe. once they began to slip up, once members became displeased - that’s when the punishments began to occur.

sometimes once a week, but sometimes - and, later, much more so, multiple. the memories are suppressed, for the most part - but there are some things they simply can’t - the hands, they can’t forget. pulling, and tugging, and gripping - begging, asking him to repent, please, repent. their head held underwater, counting seconds until their vision’d eventually darken and go out, only to be pulled out gasping and sobbing. these memories stay - these memories repeat themselves, like a record stuck on repeat, days blurring into one another.

when they tried to fight back - they were subdued. heroin was the first step. little by little, everyday - enough to leave them in a high they wouldn’t remember; enough to burn a hole in their memory. and with these dimming memories, cain’d begin to sneak paper and pencil into their living arrangement, their room, writing everyday. wrote as much as they could remember from home - about their family, their life before it all - the people they loved. they couldn’t remember what they’d written, some days.

and when those notes were found, bound by thread taken from their own clothing to form a shabby book - that’d been the final straw. dragged, kicking and screaming - mind-numbingly high, into place. the twisted reenactment, retelling of cain’s demise. how exactly he’d gotten his scar. it would’ve been near perfect, if they had only stayed still and let them brand the mark into his forehead. but instead - they settled, eventually, for the chest. then - the left cain to die in the middle of the woods. in the middle of nowhere. no trails or campsites to follow, nothing at all. nothing but trees. nothing but his notes and the clothes on their back. they hadn’t even known what day it was - almost forgotten the year, too.

cain should’ve died there, but cain got up. and they ran. and ran. and ran. until they hit something, eventually. a road. it’d been pure luck that they’d found a car near immediately afterwards, whose driver wasn’t doubling as a murderer, who took them to the hospital - and who gave cain that chance to live. they were found on new years, a full cycle - a full year in the cult that’d changed their life.

END OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. STILL MENTIONS OF TRAUMA / MENTAL HEALTH / RECOVERY / ADDICTION BEYOND THIS POINT.

after being reunited with their family in the hospital - everything went by very fast. they couldn’t recognize their youngest sibling, but they also couldn’t remember why they’d left in the first place. couldn’t remember the name of their girlfriend, but the color of her hair and the way she smelled. they couldn’t give answers to their actions.

and after being put into therapy and recovery for their addiction - that’s when they find out that their father’s a presidential candidate, that they had been - that they used cain’s disappearance as a story for the press, one to garner votes. their return is national news, and their public opinion skyrockets. it’s supposed to be glorious, and a miracle, a blessing - but cain feels restrained. confined to the role they’d always been expected to play - expected to get up and continue with their life, as if nothing had happened. 

but nothing didn’t happen - everything happened, and cain’s different now, vastly so - no longer who they thought they were. they change their major to literature, abandon politics. they get some cats, start working at the library, and they put on some leather gloves - their method of staying away, of keeping a comfortable distance. they are different, now, and simply only wish to focus on their recovery.

personality.

they’re no longer who they once were. a year of trauma does things to a person - and with memory loss that weighs heavy on their mind, they are near completely different. they remember parts of their old personality, their old lifestyle - enough to know they want to be better. they’re convinced that it’s karma, what happened to them. for being who they were - acting the way they did. just ... a bunch of self-blame.

even with the massive ego, cain’s always been a quiet person. but now - now cain’s even quieter. kinder, if not a little sarcastic, like a relic from the past. they’re distant - but it’s one of fear, restrictive and tense - not one made out of their own comfort. 

smokes medical marijuana but rarely drinks ... as if that’d make a difference. in an effort to beat their heroin addiction, they’ve turned to prescriptions instead.

like i mentioned ... cain has four cats. it’s basically their entire personality. two of them were from before their disappearance, but two are new to their little (school-approved) family. there is: frank (big chungus when yelled. white and gray), brock (orange. fluffy. stoic. devours food), shoelace (black furred, missing an eye and half an ear), and crunchwrap supreme (crunch for short. calico with bent ears). yes, they have photos of their cats in their wallet.

cain’s memory is fucked - like, really fucked. they forget a lot of things. short term, long term. it’s a constant struggle. they managed to keep their notes from the cult, so those help - but not always. they forget dates and names and faces and events. sometimes they wake up and don’t know where they are. they don’t sleep often, anyways. with the trauma came night terrors, and in an attempt to avoid them they don’t ... sleep often. only a few hours a night if they can withstand it, because it’s frankly terrible.

they suffer from severe touch aversion. skin contact with anybody, of any sort, is enough to send cain into a full-blown panic attack. they were leather gloves more often than not in an attempt to combat this disadvantage, without hindering their dexterity too much. even with clothes, they’re not the biggest fan of physical contact. it won’t send him into a panic attack, but they visibly flinch away. they’re very clear from the get-go, if someone is too close to them, that they don’t like physical contact.

dealing with ptsd and attends therapy every week. their therapist recommended that they keep writing their notes, after reviewing them himself, so cain does. they keep an entire journal where they write, and sketch a little, because it helps them cope and de-stress. it means a lot to them, actually.

also dealing with ptsd and attends therapy every week - therapist recommended he kept writing after looking at his notes - so he does, keeps an entire journal where they write and like … sketch a little, because it helps them cope. means more to them than it would seem. but, unfortunately, part of their coping involves getting far too involved in their own mini-investigation of the cult they’d been part of. when the cult was tracked back to where cain’d been brought, they were already gone - and cain wants to know where. wants to know how to find them. wants justice, vengeance. wants nobody else to get hurt from them.

pretty blunt ... won’t go out of their way to announce that hey, they were part of a cult, and that’s why they’re gone and that’s why that’s the way they are now - but they also won’t lie about it, if the topic comes up in conversation. they don’t like delusions, don’t like secrets, nor do they like unnecessary attention.

being at radcliffe makes cain anxious because - well, they’re surrounded by people they’ve been doing wrong by for years now and they can’t even remember which ones. who, what, when, why - distant memories, if they’re even there at all. is constantly trying to figure out how to redeem themselves. they’d leave, if it hadn’t been their parents’ assistance that they stay there. so that someone always has an eye on them. 

but like ...they screwed over a lot of people when they left. from plugs / customers to their ex-girlfriend, who they are, undeniably, still in love with (you can’t forget that feeling) - to their friends. like. everybody, pretty much KBJNSDFKSNLD

is often pretty high ... i’d say it’s just the medical weed but. alas :/ take a guess :/

hates cars & swimming & crowds. hates feeling trapped and will avoid it whenever possible. doesn’t want to be seen as unsociable, but it’s difficult. 

they ... have a tendency to run away when they’re overwhelmed. likes to climb trees because they’re tall enough to. there’s a tree outside of their window that they climb out to frequently, even though it’s like a ~safety hazard~ or whatever. just really likes to hide out. 

used to be in perkins when they last attended radcliffe, but they gave their spot to someone else and that was like - 100% fine w/ cain tbh. lives alone in moris now.

feels the need to redeem themself ... to like, everybody. like, they want to avoid conflict and be a better person, but it’s hard, and they don’t necessarily like confrontation either - and not everybody believes that cain’s changed. it wouldn’t be surprising if people were suspicious of cain, for whatever reason, because they don’t ... really have the best track record anymore.

developed a stutter as one of the results from their trauma. their voice is damaged from screaming and they’re self-conscious about it, but they’re working on it because there’s more important things to worry about. in general, cain looks ... gaunt, too thin, and generally sickly.

repeating senior year ... fr obvious reasons ... and probably won’t graduate anytime soon because they’ve changed their major so late.

can still hold a conversation & they’re not really afraid of socialization. it just takes a toll on them. they’re pretty lowkey, as a person. soft, sorta. quiet but they won’t be an asshole (on purpose). they like people! just. very low energy.

so like ... tldr ... not an asshole anymore ... dealing with a lot of trauma ... trying to be a good person ... yes ...

wanted connections.

locals... people they’ve grown up with their entire life. people they’ve wronged, people who idolized him, envied him, despised him, etc. 

enemies... would love for a bunch of these just. a hoard of people who fucking hate cain. because it fits the bill. they could’ve bullied them, or wronged them, whatever. anything works. let’s make it happen.

exes... that they’ve dumped... old hookups, ex-friends, people they got into an argument with or fought before they disappeared last year...

ex girlfriend... that connection wld b rly neat!! i have it up as a wc rn but we can take that down ... will be holding intense american idol - esque auditions. remember that cain ws a fckn classist pig and probably only dated people who were also rich with influential families. (unless u present a very good case to me ... then maybe ... perhaps ...)

family friends... family rivals... people he knows mostly thru their family.

redeemable... people they’re trying to redeem themself to... trying to prove their worth, and that they’re a better person now, etc. etc.

old clients... :) angry clients. that they left in the dust.

perkins... people he knew from perkins ... old pals or maybe enemies idk he was pretty insufferable ... people he used to go to fancy parties with sometimes ...

angery... people so so so so fucking pissed at cain, for whatever reason.

reconciliation... reconnecting... used to be friends and we can be friends again :) and i will be better this time! i’m a slut for slowburns, especially slowburn friendships ... enemies to friends ... now THAT is sexy.

victims... of bullying ... :/ of their bullying specifically.

sof...t... wholesome content ... nothing but soft, understanding friendships ... or developing friendships ... make them feel welcomed again... forgive them...

an..g.st... friends to enemies. enemies to bigger enemies. miscommunication. betrayal. whatever u want.

no hookups!!! ... please only previous encounters. nothing in the present. because it just wldn’t make sense.

unless... eyes emoji. H DSJLFJKS just kidding! i’d accept MAYBE some kind of sexual tension but like ... the sort that hurts, because it just Cannot Happen (i will not let it happen). or maybe a fun, casual sexting thing but like. nothing physical. pleasthe.

fuck politics!... mayhaps, they hate mr. romanov and his politics or smth. he’s probably corrupt in some way, so! go at it!

aggression... i feel like a lot of the conversations between cain n other ppl start out rly ... angry bc theyre Mad. at them.

ok it’s bed time please plot with me. 

[brianna-lei]

Butterfly Soup Asks #16

This time including the squad as DnD characters, Liz facts, Noelle getting her yaoi education, and more

I’ve only played Dungeons & Dragons once (1) in my life so I’m no expert! I’d consider my thoughts suggestions (like with my takes on the charaters’ MBTI types, which I’m not an expert of either): 

Noelle as a Wizard sounds right, since she definitely can’t do anything reliant on physical strength. She would be an asshole and attempt things like building a Clone Army

AKARSHA THE BARD. Rogue sounds too cool for her

Diya: I actually want to say she’s a Ranger because the Wiki on 5th edition says “The Beast Master archetype forges a connection between civilization and beasts, allowing the character to interact with animals in certain ways including gaining an animal companion to control.“ Fighter and Knight also sound plausible though! 

Min: Barbarian with high Strength and no Intelligence and Wisdom

I don’t want to say too much because I want to save things for the sequel, but here’s some stuff:

She actually played against Diya in youth leagues before she transitioned. That’s why she recognizes Diya+specifically approached her to sign the baseball club form while Diya doesn’t recognize her. At the first club meeting Liz tells her “I was at one of your games when you were little” -- This is purposefully ambiguous/misleading (sounds like Liz was just watching) because she passes and doesn’t want to out herself to a bunch of club members she doesn’t know well

After transitioning she quit baseball and switched to softball. It was weird being the one trans girl on a team of cis dudes, and additionally when she was younger she sort of felt like she had to prove she was a girl; she naturally has feminine taste, but she’d overperform it by 25%. It wasn’t until she got close to Chryssa and found out she also liked baseball that she reclaimed her interest in it

She has a nice resting face so strangers tend to ask her for directions 

Sunburns easily

Yesss check the FAQ guys! Fangames are fine as long as you explicitly say it’s a fangame!! 

I’m almost mad I didn’t think of this myself. I’m one of those people who overuses “spoopy” 

All art in the game (including the title screen) can be downloaded here!

NO!!! 

Noelle. The day the others find out will be the End of her

Akarsha was reading some yaoi so it came up in conversation, and since Noelle had never heard of it Akarsha gleefully educated her (to Noelle’s horror). Noelle was extremely scandalized that Akarsha kept sending her inappropriate images, and Akarsha was like “i’m doing this out of the kindness of my heart! it’s for ur education!! me: Master Teacher. call me sensei”  

Following this Akarsha changed her chat name to YAOI SEME as seen at the beginning of the game 

Diya and Noelle: Never tried it

Min: Has tried it 

Akarsha: She constantly makes weed jokes but actually only does it rarely 

Yes, I’m planning on exploring this more in the sequel! 

Diya; Dee-ya. Rhymes with “See ya”

Min-seo: Korean way, but most characters like Diya pronounce it like Min-so, with the “Min” rhyming with “win” (not like “mean”). The “so” is one syllable (not like “see oh”)  

Akarsha: uh-KAR-sha

Noelle: No L 

I was planning on making the sprites blink! I’m still a bit sad I didn’t end up doing it

It’s supposed to be fall 2008 when they’re in high school, but I took a LOT of artistic liberties when it came to the references. For example, Akarsha makes a Durarara reference even though the anime didn’t come out until 2010, and there’s a lot of modern memes that ended up in there too...I couldn’t hold back...

The IGF trailer video is especially modern-day meme-wise -- since it broke the 4th wall, it was like, all bets are off. Don’t think too hard about it!

I wanted to put a lot of 90s and early 00s hits in the game for the nostalgia factor, like Complicated, Rock Your Body, Dilemma, etc. I think it would’ve made the experience even more surreal for players who are around my age!

I don’t own the rights to all the music so I can’t distribute it around for people to download! Here’s where you can find everything:

Thought Projection by Ketsa

Holding Your Breath by Ketsa

Thoughts of You by Ketsa

2011-13 by Ketsa

Miyauchi Yuri/110515 (miltata remix) by Miltata

Night Tourist by Miltata

Sound413_Images(short) by Miltata

Sound429_Floating Cloud (draft) by Miltata

Side by Side by Miltata

Blooming by Miltata

Romaras by Miltata

Little Circle by Miltata

Daydream by Miltata

Calling Project 2 by .que

Flame of Love by YOSHI

Valar Morghulis by Bloodgod

Overflowing by Tatsuya Kato

My Heart Will Go On - Recorder By Candlelight by Matt Mulholland

At one point Diya finds out what it means on her own. After she finds out, she uses it for the actual meaning :) (added this to the FAQ now) 

I can totally relate to all of them, but I’d say Diya! (added this to the FAQ now) 

that sounds a bit alarming

(I added this to the FAQ page now, thanks for reminding me)  I’m fine with people shipping whatever!! The only thing I can think of that’d make me uncomfortable is incest and shipping Diya and Min with male characters – other than that, go nuts

Oh noo im sorry, that must’ve been stressful! For those who don’t know, I chatted about my game for a few minutes last week with MEGA (a USC club I used to be in!). I’ve adapted them here with what I assume what the questions were: 

1. Is that your cat on your Skype icon? 

yeah it is!! it's burrito 

(people think it’s a cute name) 

LOL glad you guys approve

2. Was the game made in Renpy? What do you think of Renpy vs. Twine? 

yep! it's made in renpy! I actually started out in twine -- twine is impossible if your game is like longer than an hour and is image heavy. the engine started lagging so bad it would take 30 secs to do anything

2. Would you eat a tiny 2 inch man for $100 million?

LOL it's hard..it's a lot of money. I don't think I would

(but you could use that money to save many more lives! utilitarianism) 

it's a real dude tho! i'd feel awful for him haha it's hard when you have to physically do it LOL

3. How long did it take for you to make Butterfly Soup? 

FOREVER. I thought of it in my junior year over winter break

4. Was it for school (like an assignment)? 

nah! just on my own

(people saying that’s impressive) 

yeah!! self motivation

5. What’s your favorite part of the game? 

hmmmmM I like the "date" with min in the dream. it's so fun, with the dog park

6. Which character do you relate to the most? 

diya!! social anxiety queen, so relatable

(people comment on how she runs around when anxious) 

i really did that before my sat once, ran 2 miles at the school's track

7. Are you from the San Francisco Bay Area

yeah i'm from the bay! east bay

8. Which year did you first come up with Butterfly Soup? 

winter 2014 i think

(people trying to calculate which year was my junior year) 

i graduated a year early so junior year was also senior year

9. Are you making a sequel? 

yes!! once ihave more time. i have a lot of ideas for stuff that goes after

10. Was this a prequel to Pom Gets Wi-Fi? Or maybe spiritual successor?

this is a prequel. i dunno about spiritual successor tho, they're a bit differnt

11. Any tips on how to balance schoolwork and working on personal projects? 

hmm...i honestly sucked at this and could only work on it on breaks lol...if you can try to work it into your school projects, like some bit of it...

other than that i cant think of anything LOL it's hard

12. How did you organize yourself making such a long game? Any tips? 

it was SUPER hard to organize, i was really lost until i split it into 4 sections with each character. so if you're planning on making a game this big definitely think about forcing yourself into sections like that

the art was the most confusing to do bc of how many assets there were. i was going to say "have consistent naming conventions" but that's literally impossible LOL it'll always become inconsistent no matter how hard u try

13. What part of the game took the longest (writing? art?) 

writing, actually, despite how much i complain about art assets. it's really hard making sure the structure and themes come across correctly. like pacing is so hard. art is like #2 biggest time sink

14. How early in did you write the Akarsha/Min skateboard scene?

that came pretty late haha i put it in at last second

15. Are the characters based on real people? 

they're all inspired by combinations of ppl i know! i wouldn't say based on them, tho. for example min is like a combination of 3 friends i have, strategically arranged to play her part in the story

character design is design so u still gotta be deliberate about it

16. Who’s the other cat on the computer? (they’re referring to the cat on my desktop wallpaper) 

that one's maru! he's a famous japaense cat. he's super photogenic

(people speculating that he’s the “tube one”) 

the tube one? probably. he's famous for going into stuff

17. What was your favorite aspect of working on the game? 

definitely getting to put specific Asian-American experiences into it

i was like HAHOH i can do this and no one can stop me! it was really fun getting to do this without any creative direction from like, a studio or anything. so i could just go bonkers. i hate pitching stuff so

18. Any writing advice? 

definitely have other people beta your writing as soon as possible! they always catch stuff you missed. also this is like a cheat, make your characters really extreme. like find one aspect of yourself, and turn it up to 11 and make it into a character. that way they'll be relatable and memorable at the same time. i think most people don't make their characters extreme enough so they're all kinda samey

19. (I can’t remember what they asked me here, sorry! They were asking if a specific meme was in the game)

LMAO nah it's not. i did briefly think about it though, i will admit

20. Would you eat a Gusher the size of your hand? 

that would be pretty cool. i don't think i could eat it all at once tho...i would try to save it. like half

You’re welcome, I’m really happy to hear it helped the game feel relatable!!  

Thank you! I hope you have a good day too!!

haha I feel like my game is almost propaganda bc so many people wish they had girlfriends after playing it! the agenda...Thank you for waiting for the sequel, it makes me super happy to hear people are looking forward to it! 

You’re welcome!! I’ll do my best!!! 

You’re welcome!!!! :>

You’re welcome!!! 

same I’m really happy so many people find them relatable! you’re welcome!! 

You’re welcome!! my kids can never get enough love im very happy 

I’m glad you liked it! Thanks for the support! TT_TT

[ifuckinglovestvincent]

NEWSTATESMAN: “It’s cool that some people hate my show”: St Vincent on fan backlash and Chinese massages

The singer messages me on Twitter the next day. “Dude!” she says, “I’m sorry I was a cock.”

By Alexandra Pollard

9 November 2017

Maybe if St Vincent and I had got massages together, things would have been different. If we’d gone for a hike in the scorching midday sun of Burbank, California, or sat in a small pink box getting high off paint fumes, perhaps we’d have had a better time. She’s done those things with other journalists during this press cycle, in an effort to disrupt the stale dynamic of interviews  –  of which, she told BBC Music from inside that newly painted box, she’s done “a million”. As it is, we’re sitting in her room on the 12th floor of a London hotel, and things aren’t going well.

St Vincent, AKA Annie Clark, is in the early stages of a 37-date world tour in support of her new album, Masseduction. The shows –  which she’s doing without a band, opting instead to accompany her own fearsome guitar with rearranged backing tracks  – are fascinating, sometimes exhilarating affairs. She doesn’t throw herself around the stage in a self-flagellating fervour, as she did a few years ago on the Digital Witness tour, nor this time has she employed the shuffling, robotic choreography of Annie-B Parson.

Instead, Clark exposes herself in a different way –  by carrying the show alone. As a blue curtain gradually pulls back to reveal nothing in particular, she places herself in various positions across the stage. Sometimes she faces the audience, sometimes she stands side-on as if utterly unaware of their presence. At one point she curls up in the foetal position on the floor. The idea, she says, is to plot the trajectory from fear to freedom.

“Some people loved it and were brought to tears and thought it was the best thing they’d ever seen, and then some people were incensed by it,” Clark explains. She was in Manchester last night, London the night before. Now, she’s draped over a black chaise-longue, demonstrably exhausted, her feet spilling on to the armchair beside her (when I ask if she’s tired, she says flatly, “I don’t care, my emotions are irrelevant.”)

Does she mind that the shows, particularly her decision to play without a live band, have received such a polarised response? “Whatever,” she says. “I think it’s cool that some people hate it.” She rolls her neck around to glance at me –  the semi-horizontal position she’s taken has thus far meant minimal eye contact. “Did you hate the show?”

Not at all, I tell her. I really liked it. Then I add, in an effort to avoid bland effusiveness and because she’s still looking at me with a sceptical eyebrow raise, that perhaps I found it more intriguing than moving, and anyway it would have been hard to beat the experience I had seeing her at End Of The Road festival a few years ago. I realise too late that my words have landed with a leaden thud.

“Great,” Clark says. “It’s the third show. I mean, when I played End Of The Road, that was one of the last dates I did. Tours take a while to alchemise.” She pauses. “Also, if a rapper got up on stage and didn’t have a live band, which most of them don’t, no one would be bummed at all. Why is the assumption that I need to have a live band onstage for something to be authentic? It’s about the management of expectation, and I think it’s similar to people thinking that they have a glass of milk, and then they drink it and it’s Sprite. ‘I don’t like this.’ Actually you like Sprite too, you just weren’t expecting it.”

St. Vincent has made a career out of giving people something they weren’t quite expecting. Her music is bold and melodic  – but only if you catch it at certain angles, like a magic eye book that only makes sense if you squint the right way. With each album since her chamber pop debut Marry Me a decade ago, she’s pushed her sound further towards a place between beauty and ugliness, aggression and vulnerability, adding scuzzy synth layers, distorted guitar riffs so heavy they drag half a second behind the beat, and lyrics both profoundly moving and a little grotesque  –  images of severed fingers, for example, that anchor a tale of drunken heartbreak.

Masseduction, her fifth LP (or sixth, if you count her David Byrne collaboration Love This Giant), is a poignant, kinky masterpiece. It’s a work of staggering frankness, with anthemic pop melodies that float atop crunchy riffs and gasping synths, as Clark’s fingers wring out every peculiarly arresting sound a guitar can make. She has a pithy tagline for each of her albums. 2011’s Strange Mercy was housewife on pills; her self-titled record was near-future cult leader; this one is dominatrix at the mental institution.

She sings of loss and depression, of BDSM and pill popping, vacuous cities and self-destructive urges. Her voice is pure and resplendent, but it also creaks, stretches into a sigh or plummets to a growl. On “Hang On Me”, as she pleads with someone, “Please, oh please don’t hang up yet,” a million unsaid things pour into the cracks in her voice.

“If you want to know about my life,” she told fans in a statement when the album was announced – aware both of her historic inscrutability and of the increased thirst for personal revelations her relationship with supermodel Cara Delevingne had prompted – “listen to this record”.

Clark performing this Summer. Photo: Getty

In the past, Clark has recoiled at the suggestion that her songs are diaristic, saying that such an idea “presupposes –  in a kind of sexist way  –  this idea that women lack the imagination to write about anything other than their exact literal lives.” Still, this record is a little different to the others. “It’s very close to my heart. It’s not literal, because if it was literal it wouldn’t be art, but you know, it’s very heart on sleeve.”

Is there a particular way she hopes people interpret it? “No,” she says, exasperated. “There’s not. I’m happy to be misunderstood. It’s not even about being ‘misunderstood’, it’s just up for interpretation. Any interpretation is fine, as long as it’s not, ‘She’s a racist, sexist or homophobe’. I’d be bummed if someone thought that. I’m not the one writing the think pieces on it. That’s not my job. My job’s to make a thing, it’s not to do all the interpreting and explaining. That’s didactic, and shows a profound lack of respect for the audience’s intelligence.”

Hoping she might be open to at least a small amount of explaining, I put it to Clark that there’s a restless quality to the album. She’s quite often leaving, or being left, or wanting to leave. On “Slow Disco”, a plaintive orchestral waltz and one of the most beautiful songs she’s written, she asks, “Am I thinking what everybody’s thinking? I’m so glad I came, but I can’t wait to leave.” Did she notice that theme running through the album’s veins? “Yes.” I wait for more, but instead she pulls her phone out of her pocket and starts typing. “Keep asking away.”

I do as she says, but the air in the room is uncomfortable. I wonder if I should clarify what I said about the show, but I think the moment’s passed. I forge on instead. In a previous interview, Clark said that “Slow Disco” was about how “the life you’re living, and the life you should be living, are running parallel.” Is there a life she feels she should be living? “Yeah,” she says, phone still out. “I should be in Turks and Caicos with a fucking pina colada coming out of a coconut, just getting a sick tan.”

“I mean, I don’t even think I should be living,” she adds, before puffing air out of her lips. “Hilarious joke. No, I feel super lucky that I’m living the life I am. Everything I’ve ever done, every person I’ve ever met, every experience I’ve ever had, is because I got good enough at moving my fingers at micro-movements across a piece of wood and steel. That’s bonkers.”

That’s a fairly self-deprecating assessment of how St Vincent got to where she is. Her inimitable skill at moving her fingers at micro-movements across a piece of wood and steel  – more commonly known as playing the guitar  –  is part of it, but there’s an intrigue and charisma to her music, and the persona she presents, that goes far beyond technica​l skill. It’s an intangible talent, one that has steadily drawn her into the limelight – though it was her self-titled fourth album that really thrust her into the big leagues, topping a handful of Albums of 2014 lists, and earning her a Grammy for Best Alternative Music Album.

Clark with ex-girlfriend Cara Delevingne. Photo: Getty.

Then she fell in love with someone unthinkably famous, and was thrust into a more insidious kind of limelight, the kind where paparazzi followed her around, where tabloid journalists tricked her relatives into revealing painful personal information, the kind that fuelled her anxiety and depression. Though being on the road for endless stretches of time didn’t help with that. In an appearance on the New Yorker’s podcast, she said that between her self-titled album and this one, she needed to do a “radical reorganising of my life in order to fulfil my destiny as a creative person”.

“Oh my god! Who am I, Jim Jones?” she says laughing, when I quote this back to her. “Wow. I said that? It’s like a Paulo Coelho meets Jim Jones inspirational talk. I think I meant that I was just in a monastic period, I just wasn’t drinking or having sex or really doing anything that you’d consider fun.” The only pleasure she allowed herself was getting Chinese massages in New York City. I’ve never had a massage, I tell her. Perhaps I have a lifetime of tension. She looks aghast. “You probably do. You carry it with you, you know?”

Did she find it helpful, this monastic period? “Oh it was so generative. I got so much done. Completely eschewing certain things that can otherwise take up a fair amount of time left so much time to be productive. I really loved that time. Being on tour is just a different kind of energy. It’s performance all the time. Obviously I’m not putting on my best performance for you today.” She laughs again. The icy atmosphere is starting to melt, but our time’s up.

I bid Clark goodbye. She would get up, she says, but she’s too tired. I’m glad we managed to drag the encounter towards conviviality, but  –  though I’m sure she won’t spend another second dwelling on it  –  I don’t think either of us had much fun.

The next morning, my phone buzzes. Clark’s messaged me on Twitter. “Dude!” she says, “I’m sorry I was a cock.” She explains that she was exhausted, “which is not an excuse”, but that she’d felt especially defensive because she’d been getting negative tweets about the show all day, and had thought my comments were an attempt to go for the jugular. “I really misread the interaction,” she says, “and have been feeling horribly guilty ever since. I thought you were just there to tell me my show sucked and I got real defensive and yeah, it went downhill from there.”

As it turns out then, her emotions aren’t irrelevant. She feels things deeply, all the time. You can hear it in her music, in every riff, every crack in her voice, every line about loss, or leaving, or wanting to leave. Those negative tweets were sprinkled amongst a litany of praise, but  –  though she wore an insouciant armour when we met  –  she clung to them anyway. “You carry it with you, you know?” I hope she carries the good things too. I hope she gets some sleep.

Source: https://www.newstatesman.com/culture/music-theatre/2017/11/it-s-cool-some-people-hate-my-show-st-vincent-fan-backlash-and-chinese?amp

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 11- “we will see if anyone comes out of the saloon anytime soon”-Lily

I am literally so shook LOL, I don't know what just happened but...  Dan used his idol on me and I wish he would have stayed because comp queen... I am not.  I KNOW I am going to be the next to go if I don't win the next immunity challenge and I just don't know which of these fakes to put my trust in. I HONESTLY went back to Landen and Lily and intend to keep it that way because I don't know what kind of fuckery just happened with everyone else.   AND CHIPS IF YOU WROTE MY NAME DOWN AFTER WE PROMISED NOT TO WRITE EACH OTHERS NAMES....  jk LOL.  I went from like sobbing last week to laughing this week, I am a MESS. 

3 minutes later

TOUCHY SUBJECTS!! This is going to be my comp to win because I have a method with this one that NEVER fails me when I use it.  To do it I just have to be INSANELY honest and then just get into the head of everyone else.  I write everyone's name down that is still in the game and I figure out what each person would say for each question and then I tally it up!   LOOK at me being all cocky and confident about it, watch me lose now, LOL.

1 hour later

I really hope I win this challenge so I won't join Owen and Dan in the jury anytime soon.  This one is another one that I feel like Jules will do really good on, so there is that.  She, Landen and Lily are the ONLY ones that have talked to me after tribal.   Also did I mentioned I left the alliance chat I made with Landen and Lily then made a new one, LOL.  I promise I'm only this crazy when I play Survivor, I have no chill, I'm either dead and float to the end or I'm chaotic and jump from person to person and burn bridges and play BADLY like a crazy person.

when two idols get played and you accidentally send out a frenemy lmaaaaoo ily Dan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOcx0U-XVpA  

ok now on to the show

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1j3uV5Zc49fbFH4xLK-L0JQX82xsiA1dq/view?usp=sharing

dear diary, what the FUCK! i disassociate for one (1) day and everything goes bonkers.. all i can say is that i'm glad landen trusts me so much because whew.. what a messy man. but i love everything about him.. CFHGVJBKN no but for realsies this vote was CRAZY. but one of the biggest threats in this game.. at least to me just got out SOOO. i am thriving. i honestly think i'm genuinely in a really good position in this game because voting for ruthie last round secures my trust with so many people in this game.. aka autumn, lily AND while landen already trusts me so much <3 im even in more good graces with him by keeping in someone so close to him even though im still hmmm. on how close him and lily are. it's scary but.. i know he holds me dearly to him too so boom? UM! i don't know. working with jules and kevin is reassuring too.. chips and i are tight always.. the only people i don't talk to are joanna and ruthie but i don't think that will affect me in an matter. so. smiles.

HA!!! I may have had the most OTT confessionals ever last round but look who gets the last laugh?? LANDEN GETS THE LAST LAUGH! Because I was RIGHT. I knew that something was going on and something mysterious was being planned, I was utterly confused as to why this shit was happening around me, and I knew these people were off. I said They are PLAYING ME and why do I not know what's going on, there's something shady happening... And yes there was. I have to thank Kevin for making the dumbest move he could possibly make, which is to tell me and Lily. Sorry Kevin but you fucked me over twice and I'm not good with that, I'm not okay with his double dealing anymore! :) He was playing the middle and he got caught and If I want to make sure that Lily and myself continue to get through votes... That's the card I have to play. Last night I was working overtime as hard as possible to convince Chips and Autumn that they need to split the votes onto Ruthie and Dan, and to do that I was throwing Ruthie and Kevin under the bus. Oooops! Then they made it super easy by telling me the vote was on Lily which gave me the ammunition to flip things on Ruthie. Kevin might think it was just for that round, but I'm so glad, because this vote finally put me in a position of a tiny bit of power, I think. I'm still not like, RUNNING things, but I got an alliance of 5 and I think we really do have motivation to stick together, at least for now, and take Kevin and Ruthie OUT of this game. If I can just do that, that sets me up really well for the final stages of this game. I have to take out the double agents, get rid of the double dealing, set up this vote CLEAR, because I don't have an idol for protection anymore. Speaking of which... Yes I guess you could consider that a waste, but it wasn't like Lily got NO votes. I knew she would be getting 2 for sure, and I only knew for sure that Dan was getting 1. I was not going to risk Lily's life on the fluke possibility that there would be 2 or 3 Dan votes or that people would revote out Dan over Lily. No way. Lily is not only a huge shield for me in this game because of her social game, connections, and strategic prowess (she'd be more threatening than me in any FTC i think which makes people want to go for her instead of me), but she's someone who's ALWAYS going to have my back in this game. That is extremely powerful, I don't know if most people realize how powerful it is for someone to always have your back and be giving you information, that kind of relationship is necessary in Survivor and it always gives a type of power that could help me go on to win this game. And honestly, the more people think I'm playing FOR lily and that they shouldn't respect my game bc a lot of it is in the name of helping her and i BOTH get through things, they're wrong, but the better they think that bc that just helps make me seem a little less threatening and a little more like the ideal Buddy to take into Final Tribal Council! Where I hopefully have the story and the moves to wreck any opponent sans Autumn, Jules, Kevin, maaaaybe juls who all obviously cannot be allowed to make it there. :P I feel MUCH better about my spot in the game now. MARSHMALLOW MOVES BABY

INCH RESTING that only Landen, Lily and Jules have talked to me one on one since last night.  They are the ones that I was most wary of last round but I rely a lot on the of the social aspect of this game and if these people are too scared to talk to me after voting for me I'm not going to feel bad if I vote for them, haha.   I really have a good feeling about this challenge and I am once again praying to the survivor gods that I manage to pull out a win.  I NEED this.

I hate touchy subjects, I have never won it. Also last vote was a mess, two idols were played and that is insane. I was added really late to this new alliance chat and like okay cool, but I know I'm on the bottom of that alliance and they are trying to tell me that kevin is a snake but i trust kevin and like i can't go against that alliance because they are majority and tbh i'm not 100% sure who is all IN that alliance, they just told me to vote ruthie and i did and then she didn't even go home. i have voted for ruthie twice now and ruthie has gone home zero times, i'm worried she is going to come for me, but i've just been trying to vote with majority my guys

The anxiety I feel before immunity results is UNREAL in this game, haha. I have a really strong feeling that I won this one... and I am usually wrong when I start thinking that but I just HOPE that I did, I need this to squeak by.   I'm not really sure what I am going to do going forward, I feel like if I win this round I can either a) Cause a lot of ruckus and spill everyones tea when they finally decide to talk game with me or b) Have complete loyalty to Landen and Lily and just do whatever the heck they want to do to show that I AM loyal. I swear, every time I see I have a new Skype notification I refresh the blog to see if it is the results... and no luck.  Yet. Okay the people in the Atomic VL really need to stop so I will stop getting notifications, LOL. HARDLY ANYONE talks in this game right before results so I just have to deal with my anxiety over the results right here in my confessional. I am also searching and I'm mad at myself for remembering to search so late bc I doubt there will be time for me to look right before tribal tomorrow. I think?? That I might be onto something.  At the three broomsticks you can ask for drinks but there was an option to get a room and I'm HOPING that if I do that I will get one of those passes where I get to skedaddle before tribal.  I mean, it makes sense to me but it is probably going to be NOTHING. And it was nothing and I also DID NOT win immunity, grrr.  LOL.  I was actually way off and I can't wait to see what everyone said for everything. OKAY at least I got the one about me being the biggest liar right.

I'm not sure if i'm making moves or if my seeds are planting... but autumn has more social ties in this game than i do right now... and landen is playing a fantastic game from what i can tell. that's dangerous to keep around. i think he has a real shot at winning. and i don't want to be a goat. but every time i have had an agenda i have fought for it, just since merge hit, everyone who has been targeted i didn't care if they went. no agenda, no feisty joanna. but i'm creating an agenda... and i think landen might be my target... sorry b, just i want me to win this thing more than i want you to but... i also think that kevin is doing wonderfully. if i have any chance at this thing, which maybe i don't, landen and kevin both need to go.

I am fine with every touchy subjects answer I got... for the MOST part. Wouldn't bring home to your family? That's fine, I'm loud, aggressive, in your face with my opinions, boldly passionate, etc etc. They had to choose someone and I totally understand why they would pick me for that. Thinks he's running the game, I mean, I think it's obvious I DON'T think that, by how paranoid and messy I was scrambling the last couple votes, but I also know I come off as very pretentious and arrogant with having information, and have been on the right side of every vote, so I understand that people would put that about me. Loudest, DUH! Host favorite and juiciest confessionals I DEFINITELY don't agree with lol, I can be very boring and rambly, and I know yall dont like me TOO much. But Biggest villain... BIGGEST VILLAIN?!?! ARE YOU FOR REAL? ARE YOU FOR REAL, GIRL, ARE WE FOR REAL?? SOMEONE LIED TO HER SEVERAL TIMES. WHERE was the villainous behavior. WHERE WAS IT?!?!? I am one of the ONLY people in this game who has sold almost NOBODY out and who has almost NEVER lied. I sold ONE person out, and that was Ruthie. Who, might I remind you, BETRAYED HUFFLEPUFF before I did that, and NEVER established a 1-on-1 alliance with me, EVER, or even a smaller alliance with me. So it was hardly even a betrayal, especially as I was fighting to SURVIVE sdkfdskf. I played an IDOL for my closest ally, I spiraled as hard as possible to change the votes for every ally who was in serious danger, and I consistently did everything I can to do the right thing in this game instead of being a cutthroat mastermind like SOME PEOPLE (Jules, Kevin, im looking at you assholes!) AND SOMEHOW IM THE VILLAIN!??! I just... LOL. Girl where? Where am I the villain of the season? I'm definitely no OTTP hero, that's Lily, but as her designated sidekick I should at least be MORM! I mean, come on! As far as Kevin winning immunity and a bunch of other good superlatives, sigh. It's very questionable and makes me sketched the hell out. I wanna push on Jules but I feel like I'm gonna have to just push on Ruthie again, and I'm pretty sure that now that I'm without the idol I'll be going home bc of the stunt I pulled last time, soooo... Yeeeah.  That's that. I'll definitely push what I can tmrw tho, but for the most part I'm just gonna focus on school and my new cat collecting game, the game has been rly cute though so far and hopefully I find some way to stay.

look at me... number crunching like i can do math

I'm pretty sure that if Dan knew I just told Landen and Lily about the power he sent me- the anonymous note thing- he would break into hogwarts to yell at me.  I told them merely to establish a trust with them again because staying tight with them may be my only shot to actually make it to the end.

I'm so furious Kevin won immunity, because I had the perfect shot to go for him. I'm so angry. I'm so UPSET. I'm like.... WHEW i'm mad. It's so exhausting feeling like you're on the bottom every, single, round, no matter what happens, no matter how much you do to prove your loyalty and try to find an in with people, all it does is continually push you down even worse. I get ignored all day then I get called pushy and paranoid for asking why it's happening and trying to come up with a plan, then to make it worse I get labelled as "Villain of the Season". Like.... wtf? I guess I'm a villain for daring to try and survive and protect Lily, that makes me soooo evil and such a big bad, I guess I'm a villain for selling out Ruthie who never ever made an alliance with me and turned on me first, I guess I'm a villain for turning on Kevin after he consistently lies to me all day and plays the middle just to put me on the bottom, like, that's not a real ally. A real ally does whatever they can to do what is in the best interest of themselves AND their ally. They consider what's good for eachother. Kevin and others have proven to me at basically every single turn that they just consider me an extra vote, and, let's make this clear, an extra vote they don't even like. They use me because they know I'm a loyal player, and when they backstab me they get angry that I retaliate and do what I can to further my own position. It's just like extremely mind boggling and these are the type of mind games that wear me out so much because this game just psychologically is like brutal. It wears me down a lot and I'm just trying to keep a clear head about all this and find some way to stay afloat in the game and keep bearing a smile but it's honestly really really hard and at this point I don't know how much energy I have left to keep giving every tribal 150% at the last 30 minutes just to barely survive. Especially without an idol, like i'm just.. sigh. It's a lot but I'm going to keep giving it everything i have, because if there's one thing I don't know how to do, it's give up or lay down, even when all signs point to just settling and being quiet. It's not in my blood and I gotta play this game like me even if it makes me lose. A win is not worth compromising myself for, I'll never feel good about a victory that I feel like I abandoned myself to earn. 

And here we are at a stand still again. I feel like I’m in one of those old westerns but I’m out there with my gun in my holster ready to go and everybody else is at the saloon. Tumbleweeds go by and I’m like hello? Anybody there? Anyway... Landen is losing it. I’m here trying to keep hope and keeping my fingers crossed that my chills vibes get through on this holiday. So the past two tribals, despite being some of the most stressful of my whole life, have gone my way somehow. And I don’t think I’m appearing as too big of a threat at this point but what am I kidding I got votes last time. I have two alliances going which is more than I usually have. I continue to have the desire to stay hufflepuff strong despite voting for ruthie on the last vote. I also have an alliance with landen, Joanna, autumn, and chips. It’s an interesting group to say the least and I can’t say I fully trust the group. Autumn came forward as voting for dan at the last one and while I appreciate the honesty it does continue to make me weary of Autumn. I also think Dan was the one to start a vote on me and he may have been getting some traction on it but it fizzled. I hope that someone else doesn’t start to catch on to how suave I am and vote me out. I’d like to at least make it to my lucky 7 spot at this point!   This vote I think the best outcome would be Jules going. I have the least amount of strategic conversation with her so that would be ideal at this point. If it’s ruthie...I don’t want to vote her but I can’t risk getting myself voted out defending her. Shout out to you Ruthie. Best of luck. And we will see if anyone comes out of the saloon anytime soon...

can't believe the entire old hufflepuff tribe (minus Max) is back in an alliance together again.  I can't trust any of them as far as I can throw them but I love it. In other news, someone started a rumor that Chips told me to vote for Jules?? and he DID NOT.  But he is also not talking to me right now anymore.  I don't want to vote Jules, I am NOT voting Jules.  Jules also said she is not voting me but idk that I can trust it or not.  NO ONE is talking game right now besides me, Kevin, Lily and Landen.  Chips was talking to me earlier and so were Juls and Jules but none of them really knew a name and this is just a MESS.   I'm just trying not to get into any drama because I'm already branded as the biggest liar on the tribe when there are some people around here that have lied A LOT more than I have!! US TALKING GAME AND LILY RANDOMLY POPPING IN AFTER BEING MIA FOR AWHILE IN WITH- HAHAHAHAH okay edited, I cannot say what she said but I AM DEAD.. it includes the party emoji. I AM DEAD LOL, oh my god. I can't stop laughing. ANYWAY. So, Autumn says that the vote was Jules and now it is Chips??  SO BOTH SIDES ARE VOTING THE SAME? I'm so shook right now but this is good news!  I feel bad because Chips and I DID have a really good conversation today but if he was the one that just stirred all this shit up he needs to go.  I need a moment of peace! 

well. people be lyin to me. so. anyways. im tired. THESE PPL BE DOIN!!!!! THE MOST!!!!

i’m betraying the alliance i came into merge with while trying to keep it together. how does one convince someone to vote with them while pretending they don’t know anything? 

TOO MUCH INFO TOO LITTLE TIME ILL DO ANOTHER ONE AFTER TRIBAL

Tribal has been wild this round. Kevin won the challenge so he's immune. The new alliance I'm in wants to vote Jules because they are a powerhouse in all three categories - social, strategic, and challenges. Anyway, I told Jules I would tell them if I ever heard their name. I wanted to stick to that so I told them. I guess that was a mistake because they asked who from and I was already told they were working closely with Kevin so I just said Kevin. And then really shook them and I think they were shocked because Kevin is their final 2 (most likely) - anyway I didn't know what to say when they asked "From him?" because he never talks game with me. EVER. Luckily I got busy with life so I didn't have to respond... when I get back to my computer though apparently Jules has started asking why their name is being said to Landen and Lily and a conversation that I have had with Ruthie makes them suspicious that I am also telling Ruthie so the "loose lips sink ships" comes into play. Anyway, I definitely didn't actually say anything to Ruthie at all so I put that fire out. Then I try to tiptoe around the fact that I told Jules and Landen comes to the conclusion that Ruthie MUST be close with them if Jules knows because Juls might have talked to Ruthie about the vote. In the meantime our alliance comes up with a plan to throw me under the bus to Jules as well as for me to do the opposite to either Ruthie or Landen. For fear of an idol. All this drama happens and then I have to tell Jules that Kevin didn't say it and that someone else told me that Kevin had said it and they ask who... and then follow it up by telling me that Landen has been throwing me under the bus saying I'm lying and that they need to vote me. I guess our plan has started. I let Jules know that it was Landen who wanted to vote them. And then Jules comes to the conclusion that Landen is the common factor in these stories and asks if I want to vote for him. I agree because he has been trying to have me murdered and voted out all while at the same time planning to vote for Jules anyway. This plan is so eccentric and weird and nothing like I have ever done on Survivor. I felt so bad when I didn't tell Jules that they were being targeted for the vote but did not want to open this can of worms. Kind of hoping I get blindsided so I don't have to live with the guilt. But then also sort of hoping it works just because it is such a cool and fun thing we have done.

[djgwritings]

(A Serious Man - Joel & Ethan Coen, 2009)

Seeing Spots

Trying to find parking last night (even with a free garage pass now per membership) emitted a near-epic meltdown and story. I did well spinning Wilco Schmilco tunes at the start. Perfect "windows down" weather music if there ever was. I had excitement mixed with additive anxiety called "going out." Wicked dichotomy cocktail at work. And I was solo. So, that had me feeling funny. I mostly don't mind being alone. 

I went my normal route and everything was good for a few a couple minutes. Then, I went to turn left out of our neighborhood (on a main thoroughfare), an easy left at a well known light for years now ... but, the street was blocked with construction orange and heavy machinery. Huge signs said, “NO LEFT.” What? There had always been a left here prior. I panicked and went straight. Scared straight! Even though going straight took me away from the direction I needed and there were no lefts (dead ends per residential streets) for many, many blocks. And I knew this the moment I took it. However, going right would have had me backtracking and circling the wagons. Clock was ticking, along with my heart, and I was already a tad late. So, I did a suspicious "turn-around" below the belt of a fancy-pants street (where I assume they call the authorities on guys who don't look their part - guys like me performing a “turn-around”) and backtracked to square one of the construction intersection. I had no clue what they were doing, but the street was gutted and made a car feel guilty to navigate. Always something. Thankfully, I could take a wonky right around all the construction machinery, cones and barriers. OK. Back at it. Minor set-back and breezy tunes back on.

I got half a mile down the road and traffic was bonkers, to say the least. The car in front of me was going slow, like 15 under the speed limit slow, and doing that "Should I turn? Should I not turn?" thing folks are real into of late per following digitized commands and screen coordinates. Everyone else was speeding around us at 15 miles (and some) over the limit, and I couldn't get an opening to do the same. I'm not a flashy driver, so I just stayed behind as I have a distaste for lane juggling and I didn't have too far to go. I'm a stay-put journeyman at best. It turned out a much slower car was in front of the slow car in front of me. That makes three of us. Another half mile and there is a stop light coming up that I knew to anticipate. However, the slow car I'm behind (not tailgating by any means) slams on its brakes far sooner than it should have. The slow car that was in front of it had turned off and there were now no cars leading the slow pack to warrant such a panic-brake. It was weird and a mega-hard slam too, like, "About to hit a car!" kind of slam. I've seen this before and applied a mega-hard slam in response or I'd, "About to hit a car!" Phew. I was inches from them. What the heck? I looked in the mirror to find a giant truck is inches behind me, and so on ... a vehicular centipede. I did not hear any crunches, just my teeth chattering. 

Come to find out, apparently, a carload of kids was taking a ridiculous Harry Houdini left out of a bank onto the packed four lanes of traffic. There was no way I could even see them until they came around the other lane of vehicles, all giant trucks and SUVs, etc. Either someone allowed the kids to inch out and/or they all also had to mega-hard slam brakes in alarm of the kids pulling out into full-on traffic. I'm guessing they got an "in" from the other lane, but didn't think to consult the second lane (mine), not to mention the other direction of traffic.The kids barely made it through and were grinning like, "Holy heck! We almost wrecked! Grab yer goods and hit the deck!" Stupid kids. Stupid adults. Stupid cars. We're all so stupid. Having just got back from New York City, I stare down-blared my tiny horn as they smiled past me and let 'em have what for. Naturally, the slow car that was in front of me thought I was doing this to them. Oops. Sorry, guy! They appeared frazzled and quickly made a left turn themselves. OK, then. Good! Got 'em out of the way and regrouped at the stop light. 

The road I was on dumps into another road that either dumps into a big and busy area or goes around to my destination. It's always tricky and pre-meditation lane choosing is a must if you know it well. Especially since you seem to be dumped into a NASCAR race track. I hate it, but it's the best route from my house. However, the traffic hiccups prior didn't have my brain and bearings aligned. I was in the wrong lane. So, I played Frogger: Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Edition and got where I needed to be. Or, so I thought. I got to another light and panicked. I needed over in the next lane now in order to turn left another block down on the correct street. And there was a lot of traffic. Always. Like I said, I have free garage parking, but prefer street parking if I happen to see it. Nothing beats ol' reliable and I'm not a fan of getting into tight garages with one way in and one way out. But, I couldn't get over as traffic was sledge hammering. I saw a giant pack of bicyclists, like 50 of 'em (that would make a giant enough pack, right?), looking to head down the very street I hoped to maybe park on. I was like, "Okay. So glad I missed that! Maybe this lane mess-up is in my favor?" I also realized when reading the event invite they said there would be overflow parking, as well as shuttle service, from another venue nearby. This is several blocks away, but the altered route I was taking just might work. A fail-safe, then.

After waiting forever to, uh, take a left. I inched toward the aforementioned overflow parking. However, I noticed there were only a handful of cars, so I assumed that meant it wasn't quite overflow time just yet. I also figured it would be either a long wait for a shuttle or a long walk. At this point walking sounded incredible. Still, the clock was ticking and I gambled to find a spot near the event. Though, passing further by the overflow entrance I soon noticed a shuttle idling, just waiting for crickets. I could have easily parked right by it, hopped on and been taken to the back door of the event, on time, in minutes! Ah well. For now, I'd just have to take a left at the end of the street, drive in front of the event space, then take a right to potentially find street parking.

Well, uh, that's a nope. There was zilch lefts on this busy street where huge signs aggressively blurt, "Buses ONLY." I always forget the situation at this intersection. What in the world? So, I grumbled and went straight and decided to just go the back way around the event space. Which, would completely cancel any street parking tries as I'd be approaching it all backwards. Therefore, I'd have to gamble with the parking garage now, surely packed by this point. Further assessment of this thought had me finding a way to U-Turn, something I never do, near the event space's delivery entrance. I went for it and survived. I was now realigned to follow through with trying to procure street parking. I drove by a giant face in front of the space, heading towards a (hopeful) safe right turn slide into home. Another NOPE! Now, the giant pack of 50 bicyclists I'd seen minutes earlier were herding through the intersection. Had I been 10 seconds sooner I would have been ahead of them. I turned after the last bicycle, the real slowpoke of the pack. It was annoying being stuck behind them, but a bit in my advantage as I was okay to go slow and be granted keener senses to spot potential street parking. However, going slow from the get-go ensured I'd have a slow chain of irritated cars behind me. I quickly spied ahead through bicycles a couple spots I knew I could fit in and patiently gripped the wheel with cars chomping bumper behind me.

Oh, but wait. A serious outfitted bicyclist SPOKEsperson urgently-aggressively waved me to go around them. What!? Nooo! I wanted to park. Just move and I'll pull in a little ways ahead. I can wait! He kept waving and seemed agitated at my apparent lack of respect for his two-wheeled kind. I was all, "I just want to park and attend this thing I've been trying to get to!" Also, going around this herd of 50 bicycles would have me driving in the other lane. This lane was receiving cars opposite. Like the non-confrontational and compliant person I am, I soon found an opening and drove around the bulk of the bicycles. However, per my go-around lane opening quickly closing, cars the other direction flowed towards me and I didn't know what to do. I hate stuff like this - the stuff of quick driving decisions. I panicked and got back over, now in-between the herd of super slow bicycles! I was puttering along to not mow them down, staring at their spandex and bottle squirts. There were no longer any open street spots now as they had been passed up, too small or a fire hydrant. To the garage gamble it was now. I finally got another opening and drove around the slow bicycle gang, nearly plowing into smiling event-attending folks crossing the road who had found a spot elsewhere to park. And I could tell the bicyclists wanted to tread on me.

I pulled into the garage, praying to the giant face for a spot. Anything? The gate was up, so a good sign in my favor. Then, an attendant waved me to the right with bright-flashy things in a "follow the cones to parking" motion. I waved back and grinned. However, there was no parking actually open. I cursed. I rarely curse. Cars will do that to a supposed good boy. I could also see many cars that had entered before me creeping around like vultures for open spots. I exclaimed to the dash, "Where to now?!" Then, unbeknownst to my prior ten years of remodeled garage knowledge, at the end of a last-ditch effort looking a full row over, I discovered a second underground parking level entrance! (not even my wife knew about this) Better yet, I had beat the other cars to it! I creeped down the ramp only to, uh, find more car vultures and a lot of parked cars! Instead of following the leader of cars without a space, I somehow got smart and skirted an outside open lane. It also gave me a better parking lot perspective. Man, like a Thanksgiving afternoon it was beyond full. Though, I surprisingly spied a spot on the next row over ... how had it been overlooked!? Paydirt! Pavementdirt! Though, I noticed other vultures going towards it. I even noticed some that had passed it. Hmmm. Okay? Maybe they didn't see it? 

After I rev'd around into the next aisle of cars to pounce the open spot, and with several more sets of headlights coming towards me (others who had discovered the second level) and making telepathic/pathetic motions to the on-coming cars that I HAD SEEN IT FIRST, I noticed a car next to the only open spot had a wheel a good two feet into the supposedly empty spot. There was no room for another car. I was so mad, shaking my head and hands. I never get this mad. Come on! Something that irks me majorly is terrible parking. I'm not grate at much in this life, but will park the most perfect I can in an empty lot. An on-coming car of elders looked at me, pointed at the spot, and shook heads too. Haha! This bought me a bit of time. I did a shrug and floored it. I passed several more cars and got back to the exit of the underground. I was ready to just leave and park blocks away and walk it in, all panting and sweaty on this unseasonably warm fall evening. However, more cars kept descending into the underground and I could not get out! I could not leave. There was nowhere but runaround for all these cars. Who's going to tell the guy with the bright-flashy things? Would it be me? That's if I could ever escape. There were too many cars coming in for me to exit out, so I panicked again, I floored it again, and drove to the outside aisle I initially started at to regroup. I noticed there was a pile-up near the lop-sided parking spot. Weird. Was someone really trying to park there? There was seriously no room for my slim Honda Fit (not living up to its name in this situation), and all the cars I'd seen were tanks. But, there was one hopeful elder tank trying to back into the spot. They kept trying and readjusting. Ha! Go for it! I didn't wait to see the results, rather I realized all the cars that had just come down had played follow the leader and were jammed behind the old man trying to get into the spot that was not a spot.

I squealed tires, passing yet another gaze of the giant face at the bottom level entrance. Don't fail me now! I passed every aisle, staring them down into an abyss of cars upon cars and watched vulture cars slowly shrugging along waiting to pounce. I made it to the far opposite end aisle of the garage, passed more full spots and gaggles of elders shuffling excitedly - they had somehow just found parking spots - nearly plowing them down as they would not get out of the middle of the aisle. I then passed event official space vehicles and golf carts. We were getting near the end of civilization. I thought I had a spot, but it was not. In its place was a weird, tiny service machine that could not be seen until nearly pulling in. But, then ... THEN, I whipped around the end of the aisle to the start of the next. There was an unusual service elevator to my right. And right in front of it was a spot. It was shining. I looked it over intently. There was no sign. There were no markings to keep me from parking. There were no small service vehicles crouching in its corner. To the left of the spot was an obvious no parking area of huge yellow diagonals. But, the spot itself was spotless! I pulled in. I sighed. I got out and further inspected the spot. I even bent down and looked under my car just in case the pavement beneath was marked in a kind of camo paint to trick me. It was not. had found a spot! And it was seriously the last spot! I guess it had been overlooked per positioned directly in front of an elevator door.

I walked all the way down the aisle to the other end. I was almost at the door, as well as staring into giant eyes of the giant face again, and it me like it always does, "Shoot! Did I turn my lights off? I better walk back and check my lights. Pretty sure I got them. But, after all that I just want to play it safe." I walked back and it was good. I then triple checked my spot just to be clear it was valid. It still appeared so. More cars were driving around looking for spots and they thought I was going to my car to leave. Haha! Not a chance! 

[gyrlversion]

I hope you drop dead in the next 100 yards: Remain marcher jeered

My husband took his dose of Remainer abuse cheerfully enough. After ten years in frontline politics, he accepts it as part of the job

With every passing day, the Brexit shambles more and more seems to resemble a half-built Ikea daybed.

It looks nothing like as enticing as it did in the showroom, none of the bits fit together as they are supposed to — and the chances of getting a good night’s sleep any time soon are distinctly unlikely.

Joking apart, whether you voted Leave or Remain, the one thing everyone seems to agree on is that Brexit is driving us all bonkers.

It’s got to the point where most people don’t care what happens — they just want it to stop. And who can blame them?

I sincerely hope Parliament manages to do this, either by approving Theresa May’s deal at the third attempt or by some other means. But whatever the final outcome, one thing is certain: we have to change the tone of our national conversation.

The process of trying to exit the EU has done more than simply underline the intransigence of Brussels; it has also exposed fundamental flaws in our own political system.

In particular, the way certain individuals may have seen Brexit as an opportunity to further their own ambitions, to manipulate perceptions, to capitalise on the difficulties of obtaining a deal, to attack rivals and thrust themselves into the limelight.

There are examples on both sides, from the shocking case of Remain MP Anna Soubry, who can no longer return home because of death threats, to the experience of my husband Michael Gove this weekend when, walking back from a meeting in London, he came across a People’s Vote marcher

It’s understandable the voters should feel frustrated. But there is something about the level of vitriol our politicians face that goes beyond an expression of dissatisfaction — and shades into something more sinister.

There are examples on both sides, from the shocking case of Remain MP Anna Soubry, who can no longer return home because of death threats, to the experience of my husband Michael Gove this weekend when, walking back from a meeting in London, he came across a People’s Vote marcher.

‘I hope you drop dead in the next 100 yards,’ the man shouted, to the delight of his companions. And when I then observed, in a tweet, that any Leave voter was at risk of being ‘lynched’ by furious Remainers, I was subject to so much online abuse I was forced to turn off my notifications. Ironically, I was reported to Twitter for using offensive language.

My husband took his dose of Remainer abuse cheerfully enough. After ten years in frontline politics, he accepts it as part of the job. But it’s undoubtedly getting worse.

Death threats and intimidation are now the norm. And while very few people ever follow through, it only takes one nutter. None of us will ever forget MP Jo Cox, whose murder remains one of the great tragedies of our times.

But even if no blow is ever struck, the long-term repercussions of such a siege mentality can leave lasting wounds. I know how being the object of constant low-level hostility can deplete one’s capacity for resilience and ultimately lead to mental health problems such as anxiety and depression.

And if I feel like that, God knows how someone like Labour MP Luciana Berger — who has suffered a torrent of anti-Semitic abuse — or Anna Soubry cope.

There’s no doubt this rise in abusive behaviour is part of the reason Parliament is so paralysed by Brexit. They are terrified of what might happen to them if they get it wrong.

The result is a House of Commons that is exhausted at a time when, more than ever, we need MPs to be fighting fit and focused 100 per cent on the job in hand.

Of course, politics is by its nature passionate, and no modern debate has elicited quite as much passion as Brexit. But it’s one thing to care deeply about something; quite another to use it as a legitimate excuse for abuse, hatred and the threat of violence.

The sooner this chapter in our history draws to a close, the sooner we can begin to repair the rifts and divisions.

I just hope that it’s not too late.

Car hire firms run out of credit 

Yet another brilliant Mail campaign pays off: the regulator has ruled that car hire firms abroad will no longer be able to rip off customers with hidden fees. But they’ve got another scam under the bonnet. If you book and pay online using a debit card (as I do), when you pick it up they will not release the car unless you have a valid credit card (which I do not).

The upshot is that the only way to obtain your car is to pay for the hire firm’s own insurance — even if you have already taken it out through a third-party broker. Either way, car hire companies fleece everyone. Plus ca change.

It pains me to admit it, but I am one of those tipsy women shoppers making headlines, who, after a couple of glasses of wine on the sofa, ends up online buying their 427th handbag. Of course, there’s the risk that, under the influence of a chilled white, one might splash out a little too much. But there’s always free returns. Cheers!

It’s a subject that divides families, comes between spouses and has, in the past week, been the subject of much online debate. Not Brexit, but crisps.

On Sunday night, Channel 5 set out to find the nation’s favourite — and concluded it was a toss-up between Pringles, Walkers and Doritos.

But the matter is far from settled, with many contesting the result of the referendum. Sorry, survey. I think the results say more about Channel 5’s viewers than the crisps. Had it been Radio 4, the winner would have been those truffle ones you get in M&S which cost a fortune.

Channel 4 would have chosen something artisan and free-trade. BBC2? Tyrrell’s, for sure.

As for me, I can’t resist a Wotsit. No idea what that makes me. Fat, probably.

Full Marks from me

Anti-obesity campaigners say High Street shops are posing a risk to ‘public health’ by using vanity sizing to lure customers, and kidding them into thinking they’re not as tubby as they really are. Apparently, even Marks & Spencer is at it.

Maybe — but so what? There are so few genuine pleasures left in life these days, are they really going to take this last one — the joy of presenting a size 14 at the till instead of a 16, or noisily requesting ‘a smaller size’ in the changing room — away from us, too?

Former Spice Girl Mel B is desperate for one last hurrah. But her latest revelation, that she and Geri Halliwell had a Sapphic encounter, has backfired, since Geri is now reportedly reluctant to extend the band’s lucrative reunion tour. The irony is that Mel B badly needs the tour for financial reasons.

If she’s not careful she’ll end up like Katie Price: flogging the depths of her soul in exchange for ever-scanter rewards.

A rather sour Apple 

After posting a snap with her 14-year-old, Apple, on Instagram, Gwyneth Paltrow was told off in no uncertain terms. ‘Mom, we have discussed this. You may not post anything without my consent’

It’s a relief to discover that even such super-soignee celebrities as Gwyneth Paltrow are cut down to size by their teenage daughters.

After posting a snap with her 14-year-old, Apple, on Instagram, Paltrow was told off in no uncertain terms. ‘Mom, we have discussed this. You may not post anything without my consent.’

Impressive — and, believe me, a lot more politely expressed than what own my daughter says if I so much as come within ten yards of her with my camera.

Emily Maitlis, the new lead presenter of Newsnight, struck a chord with me when she said: ‘I weep after interviews.’ Some people interpret this as a sign of weakness, but it is actually a tremendous strength because it shows that as well as having a mind like a steel trap, Emily also possesses a degree of empathy.

You get a far better insight into people by treating them as humans than you do from barking at them à la Jeremy Paxman.

25 years on Liz wears its swell 

I think Liz Hurley wears it rather better now than she did back then. Sure, the face and body were more youthful in the first version, but there is something about the assuredness and life experience of the older woman that trumps the bloom of youth

It’s not quite the same — the safety pins are in strategically different places — but there is no mistaking the look: 25 years after she stepped out in ‘that’ dress, Liz Hurley proves, in the new Harper’s Bazaar, that age is no barrier to glamour.

Actually, I think she wears it rather better now than she did back then. Sure, the face and body were more youthful in the first version, but there is something about the assuredness and life experience of the older woman that trumps the bloom of youth.

I certainly know which one I would rather sit next to at dinner, anyway.

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