#my brother is mean and misogynistic and a little gay (like he’s literally had crushes on guys) but also homophobic at the same time

[mercurialshigh]

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[yeswevegotavideo]

Hi, my name’s (basically) Mercury

So @thegrandwilde​ asked me a question about my internet name, and I realized I’ve never actually explained the entire story of my name in context. Then I realized that, with context, it was an extremely long story, so I thought, “Why not make a whole post about it?” 

It is a long post. I don’t know if it’s an interesting post. It’s interesting to me, at any rate.

If you’re curious, or if you have any interest in etymology, especially the etymology of names, and of the reasons people name themselves, then read on, because I’m about to give a comprehensive account of why I’ve been Mercury on the internet for so long that, for quite a while now, I’ve honestly thought of it as my “real” name in a lot of ways.

So, I was a goth in 8th grade, a grunge-goth really. I was in 8th grade in '95/'96 so like...I basically didn't have a choice in being FUCKING OBSESSED with  grunge and alternative rock in general. And I was really into Courtney Love’s whole aesthetic at the time, so I sometimes did your standard, Riot Grrrl-style babydoll dresses with combat boots look, but also like, cut the hem off of my black hamper bag and wore it over a black slip and called it a skirt because fuck you, society, that’s why.

But the main reason I was a goth in 8th grade, is because in 8th grade, I had an enormous crush on Tara.

Tara was a goth girl who made friends with me just before summer break between 7th & 8th grade. We spent the summer hanging out, and she was kind, and friendly, and beautiful, and very protective of her friends (and especially of me) and within a month, I had a gargantuan crush on her. 

I had known I was bi since I was 11, when I basically came out to my mom (who, despite being kinda’ the worst in a lot of ways, was extremely liberal, and very accepting of my and my brother’s queerness, and of the gay community as a whole. Seriously, my mom was so liberal that my form of teenage political rebellion was being a centrist. God I’m glad I grew out of that shit. Anyway). But Western culture being what it was/is, I had little-to-no understanding of how to talk to, flirt with, or otherwise romantically interact with, girls I liked. That had not changed by 8th grade (honestly, in the ways that count, it has not changed, period). So I spent all of 8th grade pining over Tara, and Tara was the de-facto leader of the rocker girl clique (in the Sacramento suburbs in the 90s, you were either a “rocker” or a “rapper", and rockers did not associate with rappers and vice-versa, because the capital of California, one of the most (and for a few years running, THE most) diverse and integrated cities in the United States, was, and is, a racist, conservative hellscape, and I had way too much internalized racism to even look at rap music so...), and I was in her favor and under her protection. (Looking back, I’m fairly sure Tara had a crush on me too, so it really was your standard wlw standing around confusedly pining for each other in silence sort of situation.)

Which is why, when I came to school after missing a day, and she informed me that, “we all picked nicknames yesterday and there’s only two left, you can either be Mercury or Star,” I was not offended by her providing me with a list of approved nicknames that had been essentially picked clean already. I was, in fact, rather honored that I got to be one of the people who got a nickname at all. I associated Star with the character from the movie The Lost Boys, who I (rather misogynistically, I think now) found to be incredibly irritating.

So I chose Mercury.

That’s not the end of the story. That’s the beginning of the story. So like, buckle up lol.

So to rewind a bit, in 7th grade, I discovered Paganism. 

I was ostensibly raised atheist, but with an understanding that my spiritual beliefs were my own goddamn business and my parents weren’t going to make that kind of a decision for me (again, SUPER LIBERAL parents. To be clear, also SUPER ABUSIVE parents, but like, SUPER LIBERAL about it. Which like, growing up being taught that emotional expression is valid and anti-authoritarianism is cool, but also being punished for being a person with independent thoughts and emotions is...a whole other story. ANYWAY). 

I tried on Christianity for like, half a second, went to church with friends a couple of times, and 7-8 year old me was immediately like, “this is fuckin’ stupid, why did God kill Jesus, he’s God, he’s fucking omnipotent, he could just choose to forgive everybody at like, any time, nobody had to die, what a dick” and decided it wasn’t for me.

But I feel an inherent need for spirituality in-general, a kinship to it. When I played in the mud as a child, I was 100% one of the little girls mixing mud & grass & mint leaves with hose water and “making potions”. For hours.

And when I met a girl in 7th grade whose entire family was Wiccan, I was fascinated. So, it being 1994, I picked up a couple Silver Ravenwolf books and some Scott Cunningham and got to studying. (I know. I KNOW!!! I was 12, there was barely an Internet, it’s hyper-cringy, I get it, don’t judge me.)

The Wiccanism didn’t stick, but the Paganism sure did. (My “official” spiritual descriptor is, “Eclectic, non-denominational kitchen witch”. I worship no gods, but am happy to work with those who don’t require sustained devotion, and I’m pretty into fae lore. There’s also a bunch of personal spiritual belief stuff involving conceptual quantum and molecular physics, like, String Theory and the Multiverse Theory, and anthropological concepts about the power of language and story in human development involved, too. And I’m also very much a skeptic, it’s complicated. “I am vast. I contain multitudes.") 

And around Freshman year, while still figuring stuff out, I came upon the concept of having a magickal name. A secret name that one shares only with the gods or spirits when doing magickal work. And I already had Mercury, a name which was granted and then almost immediately forgotten, because we were 13 and had no fucking attention spans, and Tara moved away, and most of us didn’t even talk to each other anymore and...the name was, therefore, kinda’ perfect.

So I chose it for my ritual work. And then I noticed some weird coincidences. Like, I had a pagan calendar that listed stuff like moon phases and planetary motion, and it associated different planets with different days of the week. And the planet Mercury was associated with Wednesday, which has been my favorite day of the week for most of my life (oh wait, do you...not have a favorite day of the week? Is that just me? Anyway). And when I was in maybe 5th grade, I read this book that was pretty stupid and I didn’t even really enjoy, and I don’t even remember the title of, but it repeatedly used a symbol for “the mark of the devil” in its dumb ghost mystery or whatever, and as much as I disliked the book, I was instantly attracted to the symbol. It looked like this: ☿ I would draw it on things all the time, it was one of my go-to doodles. Guess what the alchemical symbol for Mercury turned out to be?  

So in 1999, when I got a computer that came with an Earthlink subscription, and I was really, truly introduced to the Internet for the first time (and not just like, AOL), there was really only one online handle I could see myself using. After all, I was anonymous, it wasn’t “really” telling people my magickal name if they didn’t know who I was, right? (And honestly, by that point I’d kind-of left that concept behind.) So I used Mercury. And whenever that was already taken, I’d use a combination of those nickname choices from 8th grade: Mercury Star, or Mercurystar. And that eventually evolved into Mercury Starlight. And that’s me! :D

It became my fanfic pseudonym (like almost immediately, because I discovered fanfic in the year 2000 and never looked back), and then on message boards or in forums, people would just, like, call me that. And over time, I really started to like it.

I’ve never liked or felt particularly connected to my given, IRL name. And I actually have a bunch of identity and dissociation issues tied up in it (whole other story, yet again), so like, sometimes hearing people use it makes me really fucking uncomfortable. Like, that’s not really a strong enough word for it. Like, I’ve honestly sometimes wondered if name dysphoria is a thing, like similar to gender dysphoria but like, for your name. I mean, though we most frequently associate the two, dysphoria isn’t actually unique to gender identity. It’s a somewhat generic psychological concept, actually. And names are pretty innately tied to identity and sense of self, and having a name that feels so incongruous with who I am that sometimes when people use it I literally feel physically ill, or depressed, or panicky, or get like, instantly turned off if somebody uses it during sex, like...honestly, that certainly sounds like a type of dysphoria to me. I don’t know.

But every single time somebody online calls me Mercury, I just...I absolutely love it. I light up. I feel seen. It’s...it’s just my fucking name, now, man.

Buuut, I don’t really have the guts to legally change it IRL. Not yet, anyway. We’ll see what the future holds. I don’t know, I think about even just casually asking friends to call me Mercury and just...cringe right the fuck up. It’s scary. What if people think it’s stupid? That I’m being silly? Lose respect for me? I know people change their names all the time, but like, that’s them. But for me? Scaaaary.

Anyway, that’s the story, and if you made it all the way to the end, like, thank you for listening?

[fycarmensandiego]

My thoughts on the new show

It’s not really a proper review because how would I even do that, so here are my various thoughts, somewhat collected! (This is long as hell, fair warning.)

General thoughts:

Le Chevre and El Topo are definitely a couple. I’m so glad other people in the tag are seeing this too. My first inkling was when they were hugging each other after graduating, but it was Carmen’s comment that they only ever work together that really got me like “oh they’re gay.”

Speaking of gays, Dash Haber (Countess Cleo’s courier) is one. His voice is so gay-coded, I knew this one immediately. Not crazy about him being an antagonist (even among antagonists), but he amused me, so he’s good.

Even if they have the same names, these are different characters. The exceptions here being Carmen, the Chief, and possibly Julia. This isn’t a Tomb Raider: Legend case of putting characters in different situations and slightly changing their personalities, or even a Tomb Raider 2013 case of radically changing their personalities to coincide with their new paradigms. Chase, Zack, Ivy, and the rest are really entirely new characters that simply share their names with past characters. It’s almost as if the names are references to the past shows and games than ties to those characters.

For the most part, they even have different designs. Zack is certainly the most radical change, but even the most similar have some changes. Prof. Maelstrom isn’t nearly as stocky as his namesake, and while Dr. Saira Bellum has wild hair like Dr. Sara Bellum, it’s a strange shape as well as a strange color, and her skin is darker.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened in the franchise, either. Minnie Series from Where on Earth is apparently a totally different character from Minnie Series from the original Where in Time game. Adventures in Math changed a lot of the characters’ designs and backstories: some, like Jacqueline Hyde, still had the same core, but others, like Jane Reaction, are so different they have to be considered different characters. And then there are all the different iterations of the Chief: old white guy, middle-aged white guy, middle-aged Black gal, hologram, presumably white guy shrouded in mystery...

I will say that as a result of this, I was disappointed with Zack and Ivy. Not because this Zack and Ivy are bad characters, but because Where on Earth Zack and Ivy are my favorite characters in the franchise after Carmen, and I was looking forward to getting to see them, or at least characters resembling them, again. But, it is what it is.

I get the Kim Possible comparisons, but they’re not where I’d jump first. There are similarities: both are action shows with deliciously OTT villains (though the VILE gang wish they were as effortlessly iconic as Drakken, Shego, and Señor Senior, Sr. and Jr.) and similar art styles, and Player/Wade is a fair comparison. But I have to say I’d never have thought of that comparison if I hadn’t seen it here on Tumblr, perhaps because KP was rooted in Kim and Ron’s daily lives (Sailor Moon-style), whereas CS is rooted in its overarching plot (Chuck-style).

I do agree with another comparison: Coach Brunt and Countess Cleo, and Eartha Brute and the Contessa. I saw a post in the tag earlier today that brought this up, and while I hadn’t thought of it - probably because the Where in the World show is one of the parts of canon I’m least familiar with - it seems legit to me. I had wondered why these two were seemingly born out of nowhere, when the other three had their names and likenesses drawn from Where on Earth characters. (Shadowsan seems to me to be based on Suhara’s design and, to some extent, personality, with Shadow Hawkins’ name.) The specific theory that post espouses, that it’s a legal issue, seems possible to me. Although the World villains did appear in other Carmen media, I know WGBH and WQED own the copyright to the show, though they licensed the franchise from Brøderbund. So I have no idea what the legal tangle is behind that show, and I imagine it’s very complicated.

Speaking of WGBH: I wonder if Zack and Ivy being from Boston is an incredibly subtle reference to its location there.

I have mixed feelings about the art style. It is great in still shots, but I found it a little hard to watch as animation for very long.

I don’t ship anything – yet. Julia’s clarification of “travel partner” is certainly ripe for shippy implications, but for me there’s really not much on a personality level to ship her and Carmen at this point. (Likewise Carmen and Ivy, or Carmen and Zack.) I could definitely get behind Julia having a crush on Carmen, the way I feel OG!Jules certainly does.

As to Gray... he was plainly asking Carmen out / hitting on her when he gave her his card. But even on the way to the date, she insisted she saw him as an older brother figure. Like with Julia, I could potentially get behind it in future, but I’d have to see it developed further. There’s also the matter of him trying to kill Carmen, which I’m not crazy about... Carmen’s forgiven him since he was under orders from VILE, and his mind-erase courtesy of Dr. Bellum has given him a fresh start, but it didn’t change who he fundamentally is as a person, and that person made the decision to join VILE and ultimately to agree to kill Carmen. But I’m not totally anti-Carmen/Gray at this point.

(In re Carmen’s sexuality: I have always felt strongly that all of Carmen’s previous incarnations were ace/aro, but this Carmen? The sapphics have claimed her, and I’m here for it. I’m fine with her being gay, bi, or pan. I’m fine with her being acespec and/or arospec, or not.)

I was surprised by the violence. Scenes of literal attempted murder would never have made it in previous shows or games! In fact, a lot of the melee combat wouldn’t have. The franchise hasn’t always been totally non-violent - Ivy whacked the occasional villain around on Earth, and ThinkQuick and Stolen Drums both required the player to destroy VILE robots, the former featuring robots with personalities - but I don’t think it’s ever been shown in such detail as the combat scenes in this series. I don’t have a problem with it, exactly, but it was a little jarring.

Things I didn’t like:

The educational moments were utterly didactic. I guess you could say the same about Earth, but I feel like it integrated the education into the plot better, and it certainly made the educational moments more fun by working jokes into them. Meanwhile, this show is taking the Stolen Drums approach of info-dumping for two minutes and then moving ahead with the actual plot with no attention to education thereafter. To go back to my favorite video game (I warned y’all), fucking Tomb Raider: Legend did a better job integrating education with action. And it’s not even supposed to be educational!

Stop trying to make “caper” happen. It’s not going to happen. It’s a perfectly good word to use from time to time, as it always has been in canon, but for “The ____ Caper” to be every episode title, and for it to be used at every opportunity in the script when “theft” or “heist” or another word could have been used just as easily gets annoying. The thesaurus: it exists. Also, it’s so overused that at a certain point I started thinking of the culinary garnish instead of a crime. (And I’ve never even eaten capers. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen them in person.)

I’m not crazy about the newly established genesis of Carmen’s name. Having her grow up with no name but “Black Sheep” makes me feel uncomfortable tbh, and while I like the significance of her choosing her own name, pulling it off a hat label seems cheap. And out of character for someone as thoughtful as Carmen.

Some of the villains seemed like real cultural stereotypes. Thankfully, it was not nearly as bad as Adventures in Math, or we’d literally have had Le Chevre saying, “Hon hon hon, baguettes!” but Shadowsan and Paper Star in particular made me uncomfortable as they felt like very stereotypical “Japanese” characters. The same could be said of Coach Brunt, who while not a stereotype of any marginalized group, was definitely a bit one-note. Coach Beiste, but evil and Texan.

Cross-language misspellings. Namely, Shadowsan and Le Chevre should be Shadow-san and Le Chèvre, should they not? The omission of accent marks has always been one of my major bugaboos, and while it’s not the first time the franchise has done it, it still annoys me. Shadow-san’s missing hyphen annoys me even more, since the hyphen indicates that other honorifics could be used, and in fact, it would (if I understand correctly) be more appropriate for his students to address him as Shadow-sama or Shadow-sensei while his peers call him Shadow-san.

I felt some real misogynistic undertones to Tigress. In a show that otherwise is quite female-forward, it irked me that of Carmen’s four classmates, only one is a girl - and she’s the one who becomes Carmen’s rival. And then for that to continue throughout the series, setting her up as the mean girl to Carmen’s good girl (in many ways, the Regina to Carmen’s Janis Ian), really bothered me. I certainly don’t think female characters have to be perfect, or expect perfect representation, but it feels like Tigress’ development just was not done mindfully, and instead they let themselves fall into misogynistic tropes. It’s not like you to pit women against each other, etc. etc.

The ages and timeline confused me. Carmen seems to be in her late teens or early twenties throughout the main part of the series (I saw a post that mentioned she says she’s 20), yet she was clearly still a preteen or young teen when she stole Cookie’s hard drive. Since Cookie’s delivery is an annual event, its information shouldn’t last Carmen those several years to grow up.

By a similar token, Player seems to be the same age in the flashbacks as in the present day. As a result, he seems a little older than Carmen to start, and a few years younger to conclude. It messes me up. Not least because, not gonna lie, I want to be sure it’s okay for me to be so gay for Carmen.

Things I liked:

The references to previous canon. Along with the aforementioned names, we have:

Rita Moreno’s cameo! (Please, please, God, give us another Rita cameo and cameos for the rest of the Earth cast next season.)

Mentions of punning names. This was delightfully lampshaded with Gray’s original codename of “Graham Crackle” and the subsequent drags from his classmates. And while most of the other characters didn’t get punning names, one of the two who did was Rita’s character, Cookie Booker, the bookkeeper - or, indeed, book-cooker.

The very meta plot point of Carmen getting her outfit by stealing it from Cookie, voiced by her previous incarnation’s voice actor.

Frequent utterances of “Where in the world is...” or “Where on Earth is...”

Tigress’ name, a reference to an Earth episode where Carmen faces a new rival. I don’t know if the Duchess plotline was also a deliberate reference to this episode, or a subconscious one, but it’s so similar that I can’t think it was total coincidence.

I’m thinking “the cleaners” are a reference to the Ick brothers, the janitors from World and USA 3.0.

Carmen is ginger. I have a significant bias for redheads. (I dye my hair red and am only half-joking when I call myself transginger as well as transgender. Heaven on Earth-era Belinda Carlisle is one of my major style rolemodels.) Carmen suddenly being auburn for the first time just makes her even more endearing to me than one would have thought possible. Plus, Ivy and Zack both being redheads? Iconic.

Carmen is also gorgeous. Now, unlike some of you, I have never previously been gay for Carmen; she’s always been more of a big sister figure to me. Instead, as a kid, I was gay for TV!Jacqueline Hyde, Ann Tikwittee, and Ivy, in that chronological order. But the moment I saw this Carmen with her hair up in the trailer, I was a goner. And in her cocktail dress at the charity auction, or her black catsuit at the end of episode 9? I thirst. There were several other points as well where I was just like, “Oh my god, she’s so pretty.” Yes, darlings, I am very gay.

That choker. Most fashionable thing Carmen’s ever worn. Fight me. We love a stylish queen.

Player has a fidget spinner. And it’s only seen briefly, which to me says it’s an everyday part of his life, not something they threw in to try to seem cool... Which in turn allows me to point to something and headcanon that Player is autistic. He’s also known mostly by a username, and spends most of his time working on his special interest, and doesn’t seem to be one for socializing in traditional ways. We love an autistic prince. (Also, this makes him in some ways a male version of my girl Futaba from Persona 5. Again, iconic.)

(To be clear, especially since it wasn’t in my little self-introduction the other day, I’m self-diagnosed on the autism spectrum. So well-written characters being autistic is really fun for me.)

Player is from Niagara Falls, near where I live (I’m on the outer edges of the Buffalo/Niagara Falls MSA), while Zack and Ivy are from Boston, where I’m moving next month. Totally personal to me, but I’m so delighted. Now, granted, Player is on the Ontario side of the Falls rather than the New York side, but still. (Hell, who can blame him for not living in Niagara Falls, NY? It’s a hellhole.)

The VILE leaders stay iconic. Countess Cleo’s crush on Zack in his “Duke” guise is hilarious and adorable, and Dr. Bellum’s obsession with cat videos? Legends only.

Paper Star is generally fantastic. It’s actually too bad for me she’s a villain, because I find her super likeable. Her tendency to hum/sing to herself is also really endearing, and she’s another one who’s easy to headcanon as neurodivergent. I really hope we get more of her, and more of her outside combat and the daily business of villainery, because she’s easily my favorite of the VILE crew.

Tigress is also awesome. Yeah, the female character bias is real, but she’s def my second-favorite, which amplifies my annoyance at the aforementioned misogyny. To be honest, though, part of it may be that she’s basically Amanda Evert, my girlfriend from - you guessed it, folks! - Tomb Raider: Legend, with purple lipstick.

Zack and Ivy met Carmen while casing a donut shop. This is so delightfully silly, and I adore it. Like, who the fuck robs a donut shop of all things? I feel like it could’ve been a reference to them being fat, maybe one that was meant to be developed further but ended up on the cutting room floor? On that note...

The fat positivity is real. Zack and Ivy are still able to move around and are even somewhat athletic; the Countess crushes on Zack; and nothing negative is said about their weight (except the potential implications of the donut shop). I love this.

Carmen and Jules’ conversation. As I said above, it’s not enough for me to start shipping them, but I love that Carmen casually addresses her as Jules rather than Julia. It’s so much like when people I don’t know well call me Soph instead of Sophie, which I always love because it connotes that closeness. Moreover, since Julia’s previous incarnation / namesake was almost always called Jules, and was Carmen’s former detective partner, I feel like there’s an implication that Carmen coined that nickname and it became her primary moniker. It’s just so good, and shipping or no shipping, I really hope we get more interactions between them next season.

The voices are good... mostly. Maelstrom is definitely the one I was most impressed with, as his voice has a lot of character while still being easy to understand. Liam O’Brien was doing a great Tim Curry impression there, but much less egregiously campy and therefore more believable. Sharon Muthu was also fantastic as Dr. Bellum - not as fantastic as WOEICS!Sara’s voice actor (Candi Milo?), but then, who could be? And Kari Wahlgren’s performance as Tigress was snarly perfection.

Gina Rodriguez is a big departure from Carmen’s typically low-pitched voice, but she’s perfectly fine. I never sat up and went, “Wow, what a performance!” but I can’t find any fault with it either. Finn Wolfhard as Player is obviously cross-promotional stunt casting, but surprisingly, it’s also perfect casting.

On the minus side... Zack and Ivy. Part of it is that their accents are so ridiculous that it’s distracting (see above Tim Curry comment). Part of it is that, at least to my ears, the accents aren’t believable - I thought they were supposed to be from Brooklyn until they mentioned Boston. I actually don’t fault the VAs for this, as they both have moments where I got the sense they’d be capable VAs for the characters (and I know Abby Trott is talented as I loved her in Tales of Berseria and Nier: Automata), but rather the voice director(s) who pushed them toward those performances. I feel like if the direction had been different, I’d have liked Zack and Ivy a lot more.

That plot twist. I truly never saw it coming. I suspected that Coach Brunt was not, in fact, the one who found Carmen, but I’d actually thought it might have been Prof. Maelstrom. The extent of Shadowsan’s revelations was a big surprise to me. Kudos to the writers for pulling that off.

Conclusion:

It’s not the series I expected. It’s not the series I hoped for. But it is one that I enjoyed, both on its own merits and for revitalizing the franchise. As I said last night, it is a hell of a feeling to have new Carmen content in 2019 (that’s actually getting attention), and for it to be really good content is a relief.

If anyone else wants to share their thoughts, either one-on-one or with the rest of the community (as it were), please do! I’d love to talk more about this series and this franchise and the thieving queen of my heart, Ms. Carmen Sandiego.

[tearlessrain]

part 2 of me watching Dracula: The Dark Prince and complaining about it the entire time

when we left off, the power ranger villain (who I guess is called the scourge) had kidnapped xena 3.0 (who confusingly may actually be named xena), lucien the roving misogynist is the chosen one, and dracula sits in his castle brooding about how much he doesn’t like strangers even though he forcibly brings them to his home.

anyway, here we are back at the castle of timely thunderclaps, brought to you by playmobile and LED lights.

oooh they just zoomed in on remfield’s face and played some ominous music. he’s secretly plotting something. to be honest I should have picked up on it before because he was super sketchy but I thought it was just bad acting

the scourge has just arrived with an ineffectually struggling xena 3.0, and the flamenco-dancing ceiling angel has opinions about it

I wish I could comment on what just happened but honestly it was completely incomprehensible. I think the takeaway is that the scourge used to be a young boy who helped dracula kill the dudes who killed his wife, but that might have been remfield. the editing is too confusing to tell. also I’m not sure what any of this has to do with xena 3.0

“my friends will come for you, I however will continue to not do shit”

ooh he’s giving her the Edward Cullen Stare™ this poor woman attracts the weirdest guys

“what is you name?” TELL HIM. THE PUBLIC WANTS ANSWERS. WHAT IS YOUR NAME.

TELL HIM. TELL HIM. TELL HIM.

Oh okay it’s Alena, not Xena. Fair enough, at least she has a name now. honestly at first I thought she was the sidekick and esme was the main character.

“go ahead, kill me. free me from this horrible movie”

all right we all know she’s the reincarnation of dracula’s dead wife but sure let’s pretend it’s a mystery

REMFIELD, ESCORT HER TO THE ROYAL WING, AND SEND HER OUR FINEST LESBIANS

meanwhile, lucio and esme get a pep talk from leonardo, the only level headed person on earth, and someone finally mentions that esme and alena are sisters, which maybe should have been established half an hour ago but whatever

let me tell you I did not have high opinions of lucio’s chivalry and honor, but now that his band of roving misogynists has been killed off, he has somehow still managed to disappoint me. 

like I don’t want you to be in this movie either dude but you were the one who made out with a main character in act 1

meanwhile, dracula gestures dramatically at a portrait of his dead wife, which burns his hand for unclear reasons

“are not the women of the castle enough to... sate your appetite?” remfield asks as he, apropos of nothing, stands awkwardly close to help dracula undo his cravat. nevermind he’s not planning anything shady he’s just gay and possessive.

why is this shot so funny to me they’re just having a conversation like this

what the fuck who’s using a hedge trimmer and why is everything pink

oh that was what the director of this movie thinks conveys the concept of a nightmare. okay.

alena looks very confused to be in this room considering she was fully awake and cognizant when she was brought here

they either need to get better cgi or stop showing zoomed out shots of thunderclap castle

meanwhile, some of the ambient lesbians cuddle sensuously. once again, no reason for the scene’s brief presence in the movie is given and we just cut back to alena, who is still just going to chat with remfield.

“you know the stories” “yes but I never believed them to be true” THEN WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING FOR THE ENTIRETY OF ACT 1. WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU THINK THE LIGHT BRINGER WAS FOR, ALENA.

okay alena, zombie alexa already told us all this, you don’t need to repeat the entire prologue story.

“what do you know of love?” “god is love, eveything else is a pale shadow in comparison” well yeah you would think that since you go for guys like lucio.

“god has no power here” so that’s the reason for the ambient lesbians. christian repelling forcefield. sensible security system for a vampire tbh.

okay remfield we get it you’re in love with dracula, chill.

oh of course lucien is a descendant of cain. also I disagree with almost everything he’s said in the entire movie but “please spare me the whole family tree” is a mood.

“there they are, the carpathian mountains”

........ where

“it’s fitting that cain killed his brother with a scythe, he was a farmer, you know” I mean. yes. but he didn’t, it was a rock. he killed him with a rock. and it probably would have been a normal scythe without a magical blood-activated articulated blade propeller on the end. because, you know, he was a farmer. was this his special murder-scythe. I was actually more willing to accept this weapon’s existence before you tried to explain it.

wait apparently if dracula (descended from abel) gets it, its power reverses and it brings the dead back to life. which implies that its default power in the hands of cain’s descendants is to make the living dead. which uh. is also what regular scythes do if you hit someone with them. I’m becoming less and less sold on the magical powers of this thing. 

alena is trying to convince some of the ambient lesbians that dracula is evil and they’re not buying it.

“he’s nice to us! come, I’ll show you!” wait are we finally going to get an explanation about the lesbians. are they taking her to the secret magical lesbian chambers where they have the lesbian meetings.

OH MY GOD I WAS JOKING

there’s like. chipper flute music and they’re all dancing and twirling her around and bewitching her with their lesbian magic

she seems cautiously into it though, which isn’t surprising since her last kiss set a real low bar

apparently he’s only nice to them when they don’t try to seduce his reincarnated wife. I love how he doesn’t look furious so much as exasperated. he’s just like “ugh, this shit again”

also shoutout to the token twinks in the background there, I assume they’re just here for remfield’s benefit

ooo the lesbians do not like remfield, he’s mean to them. I’m calling it now he’s gonna get eaten and not in a fun way.

oh my god there’s a little village comprised entirely of monster/demon slayers

this is literally the town from The Ballad of Edgardo

his name is Andros, son of Cormac the Wolfslayer, a demon hunter from beyond the frozen seas, and after five seconds I already like him better than any other character in this movie. I want a movie that’s just him and Leonardo wandering around hunting demons. that would be a better movie.

“what we are seeking is no ordinary demon... but a vampyr”  

[O M I N O U S  C H I M E]

“lord dracula is as cunnink... as he is stronk.” - leonardo van helsing, my second favorite character

“to be bitten and not drink of dracula’s blood... is a suffering.. without end...................... so! my friend! is this danger a price you are willing to pay? :)” -also leonardo

see look how much fun andros and leonardo are having. this movie would be so much better if lucien wasn’t here being a wet blanket and moping because they won’t give him alcohol

MAKE ANDROS THE CHOSEN ONE. MAKE ANDROS THE CHOSEN ONE. DEPOSE LUCIEN.

cue yet another timely thunderclap. seriously, every time.

“only the lord god can give eternal life! what you’re doing is blasphemy!” “DAMMIT, WHAT ARE WE KEEPING THESE LESBIANS AROUND FOR”

“here try on this ostentatious necklace that belonged to my dead wife, no reason just do it”

and there goes the floaty piano music again, this girl will fall for literally anyone.

so nobody knows where dracula’s castle is, which is weird since it’s huge and has a loud thunderstorm going on for miles around it at all times that constantly lights it up like a beacon. but I mean the entire mountain range it’s rumored to be in is apparently invisible, so who knows.

dracula: I have a loneliness inside my heart

remfield, visibly suffering from his eternally unrequited crush on the only straight vampire in existence: let me guess. miss alena.

ambient lesbians: [twirl and sashay past in the background]

oh noes, the scourge is attacking demon hunter village. I’m sure this will end well for him.

I fucking love andros

so lucien killed the power ranger villain with his scythe of inaccurate biblical allegory, and somehow it hurt dracula. I may never understand what that thing and his relationship to dracula actually is. ah well, he’s dead now.

andros is fine and that’s all that matters.

okay, never before has a movie contained so much concentrated insane bullshit that I had to split it into three parts, but I think that’s what I’m going to do with this one. lucien and esme have run off to go save alena, and the Murder Uncles, sadly, are staying behind to defend the village for when the squeaking goblins return in force

tune in next time to find out whether any of this comes to any sort of logical or sane conclusion. it probably won’t.