#my current state of contentedness is a 10/10

[unsurebazookacore]

non-newtonian fluids my beloved

[thewritingginger]

Christmas Prompt Day 7 - “I’m sorry we can’t spend the holidays together.” - Jumin Han x Reader

It’s the night before Christmas Eve. You were getting everything set up for the activities you and Jumin would be partaking in for the next two days. 

In the living room there is a Christmas tree you had picked out and set up to surprise Jumin with. You’ve gotten out all the ornaments, garland, and little Christmas nicknacks. 

You and Jumin had planned that tomorrow on Christmas Eve you two would spend the day together. No work, no distractions. Just the two of you spending the day baking cookies, decorating the tree and penthouse, to then end the night snuggled on the couch watching Christmas movies drinking hot chocolate.

All of those plans seemed to have crumbled in your hands when you got a call from Jumin, who was currently on a business trip.

“Hey baby, cant wait for you to get home and I got something to show you.” You greet with excitement, but that joyful tone is soon to fade when your love speaks. 

A pause and a forlorn sigh is heard on the other end. “Y/n, I’m pained to say this but unfortunately something came up with work and I have to stay longer.” Hearing those words you felt a ping in your heart. “O-oh it’s okey.” Jumin hears the obvious sadness in your voice and tries to console you. “I’m sorry love, I tried to get out of it. If it was up to me I would already be on the plane ride home.” 

“N-no I know and I understand that things like that happen. S-so there's no need to apologizes.” You try to feign contentedness as a tear escaped your eye.

“Thank you for understanding, again I’m really sorry.” Jumin says pained. “No really don't apologize.” you smile, “Do you know when you’ll be done?” You question hopefully. “I haven’t been given a straight answer on when we’ll be done with this project. I hope to be there for you on Christmas but I’ve been told that it may be a bit after Christmas but thats not been confirmed yet.” 

“Oh. Really?...” Your face dropped when hearing that you may not even see him on Christmas Day. “I’m afraid so my love. I’m sorry we can’t spend the holidays together.” disdain in his speech. “It’s ok. We can celebrate when you get home and I’ll have everything ready.” You suggest trying to raise your spirits a bit. 

You hear Jumin lightly chuckle, “That sounds great, cant wait to see what you got in store.” He smiles, then pries “What was it you were going to show me tonight, if you don't mind me asking.” 

“Well, I got us a little Christmas tree and set it up for us to decorate.” You coyly say in response. “I’ll wait for you to get home so we can do it together.” You add “No no you don't have to, but I’ll make sure we do something special when I get back to make it up to you.” His words make you smile. “Okey.” You agree, because even though it sucks that you aren’t gonna be with Jumin on Christmas Day he is still coming back soon after hopefully. 

“Well I'll let you go now, I don't want to make it so they keep you from me longer than you need to.” You joke, he laughs. “You’re probably right, I’ll message you when I get back to my hotel room tonight to say good night to you.” He lovingly says. “I love you Jumin.” a caring smile plays on your lips and he reciprocates, “I love you too Y/n, till tonight.” 

With your good byes you hang up the line. Your arm then hangs down, phone in hand feeling a bit somber about the situation thats out of your control.

As the afternoon goes by you busied yourself with cleaning up, wrapping a few last minute gifts and cooking some dinner for yourself.

It’s now Christmas Eve, your heart sank bit because you wished you could have woken up entangled in Jumin's arms but sadly that wasn't the case. You hoped that what Jumin had told you was all a dream. 

Getting out of bed you pondered the idea to do some decorating like Jumin suggested you do but you couldn't bring yourself to do more than replace the pillows on the couch with festive ones and put a nicknack or two on the window seal.

You busied yourself with tidying up, doing laundry and other boring adult things. Late afternoon you found yourself starting to make some short bread cookies, Jumin's favorite.  It seemed that if you cant have the man you love with you, you might as well enjoy some cookies till he comes back.

It’s around 10 o’clock at night.

Gentle Christmas music in the air,  the soft glow of the empty tree being your only light. The sweet smell of holiday spices tickle your nose as you are sitting on the couch under a plush blanket and a cup of tea just relaxing. 

With your eyes closed your thoughts are broken by three  knocks on the door.  Thinking that it must be just a post man dropping off a package you let it be. Then another knock emits from the door. 

Letting out an exasperated sigh you begrudgingly get out from under your warm resting place and walk towards the door. Lazily opening the door you sigh and speak, “Ye~” then you are quickly silenced by the sight of tall figure holding a small bouquet of red roses. 

You feel yourself about to cry out of joy to see the face of the man you love and that handsome smile you adore. Before he can make it into the threshold you almost tackle him by swinging your arms around his neck. 

After a tender embrace you retract for Jumin to walk in and close the door. “Wh-what are you doing here?” You ask awestruck. “You didn't think I would really miss out on spending Christmas with you after you’ve planned so much?” He offers a genuine smile before pulling you in by your waist. “But I thought you had to stay for work.” You state still in shock by what is happening. 

“I did but, I got out of it.” His eyes glisten with love as he stares longingly into yours. Not knowing what else to say you just shake your head with a smile plastered on your face. Standing there in silence Jumin takes your cheek into the palm of his hand to raise your gaze to him, pulling you into a passionate kiss.

After what felt like an eternity but like no time at all your kiss is broken. Beaming a attractive grin down at you he says, “Now I believe there are some decorations that need to be put up.” “Yeah.” You smile back 

And for the rest of the night you and Jumin spent it together decorating your home and filling it with the sounds of laughter and feeling of immense love. Many kisses and lingering touches were shared as you both watched the early morning rays peeking in threw the window to begin your Christmas morning. 

This took me a while to do and I think it turned out ok 😅

I hope you enjoyed~ 

[birdlingstarot]

tl✨🐉 here to give more details!! the dreams have essentially followed me traveling and taking stops in places deep in nature with all sorts of my friends and acquaintances. i remember knowing that there was something i had to do, a reason for my travels. one of the dreams had me spending time with a love interest im unfamiliar with. these dreams leave me feeling almost relieved and excited during the day. i hope that makes sense!!

Hello  🌻 tl✨🐉!

Really sorry for the long wait. I really hope you did remember or had some reminisce of your dreams. 😅 They sound so amazing and fun! I’m really happy and glad to hear that your dreams gave you great vibes and energy during the day, I hope you will continue to dream about those that will give you positive energy! 🤗🤗🤗

A little birdie told me this 🕊

What is the significance of your dreams?

4 of Wands, 9 of Pentacles, 10 of Swords, Knight of Pentacles, Knight of Swords, 6 of Swords, 2 of Wands, Queen of Cups, Queen of Swords, 5 of Wands, XXI - The World

You are in a very creative and passionate mindset and could even be considered one of the higher peak in creativity thus far in your life. You exude a jolly attitude as you go through life which in turn attracted people to you, enforcing your social connections. It feels as though everything is going fine, well and dandy, that nothing can stop you from achieving or getting what you want and that’s true. 

However, you had attained much and is at risk of suffocating yourself by yourself and/or the things you had attained. It is time for careful consideration on whether you should pursue a particular goal / thing or if they are really worth it as well as if there would be a need to let go of what you currently have in order to attain what you desire. 

In addition, look at the things you had attained and determine if they had overstayed their welcome/stay. Had they served their purpose such as making you happy? Is it time to let them go? There might be a risk of stagnation within what you had attained, such as knowledge you learnt but did not tap into as well as physical things or relationships. It might also be time to clear the clutter in your room. Take the time to tidy up your room and separate the things that you don’t need or want from those that you do. Appreciate and thank those that you plan to let go and go through with it.

Make sure to slow down and appreciate what you have as well as to see things as how there are, especially the big picture. It is good that you are motivated and passionate but remember to put on brakes in order to reduce and/or avoid the chance of being burnt out and/or a crash. 

Generally speaking, it is a period of contentedness and there is a low to none chance of anything too bad to come from it. 

This could also signify a connection with your soulmate, twin flame or potential life partner. The both of you are in a state of contentedness and had connected with each other. One of you (the more feminine energy) has likely discovered one or more of her passion and is doing it while the other (the more masculine energy) has likely achieved a long-term financial or more materialistic goal of his - this can be anything from monetary to family improvements. Kinda like a small, light breeze that blew pass the both of you, carrying the message and reassurance to the other that you are doing just fine.

You had likely experienced a tough time and the dreams are indicating to you that they had finally passed, that you are able to shake off their hold on you. You had gained a total and impartial view, transformed and ready to overcome what had happened and should grab the opportunities (there are quite a few) that are presented in front of you as you are capable of dealing with it currently. This ‘tough time’ do not in fact need to be recent but rather something that had been weighing on you and you are now finally letting it go, learning and moving forward in your life. 

You are and had been a very resilient worker, practical and taking initiative. You could be seen as egocentric and unconcerned with others’ feelings as long as you achieve your goal. However, it is that that aided you in overcoming your negative situation, to be confident and not let others influence your decision on what’s best for you. (As much as it can do you good in unfavourable situations and relationships, it should not bleed into your more favourable ones.) You could also be easily be caught between laziness and indifference, lacking passion and motivation, which is all the more reason to grab at the opportunities presented in front of you while you are in the state of high motivation and passion, even if it is just your heart telling you to do so. Don’t let your fear stop you from pursuing your passion.

Currently, you are very active and ready to overcome whatever’s thrown your way whether it is a fight or a challenge from others or from yourself, your own mind, fears etc. This came from the passion and peak in the creativity juice mentioned initially. Due to this, you are able to realise your limitations as well which is likely linked to impetuosity. In this state, remember to communicate clearly and calmly with others your ideas, views and opinions as in this state, you are prone to spikes in being sharp-tongued and negative emotions such as anger and resort to arguments. Keep calm and talk it out, understand each other and compromise, find a middle ground and reduce any unnecessary arguments. 

It is a time for you to distance yourself and face change. Is there anything new you want to try? Is there a change in environment? Friend group? Certain personal views and values? There’s a move towards new ideas and/or solutions to things and you are intelligent and in a good position to direct, shift and adapt to the changes. Changes are needed to avoid stagnation, dissatisfaction or even instability. This is the time to take on a new and exciting adventure, to try new things and explore. This does not mean that you abandon all that you had been doing but rather taking on all that you had learnt onto your new adventure. A chapter of your life has passed and a new one is opening for you. It is a happy moment and something to celebrate! Enjoy yourself on this journey of a new chapter despite what you might face. This could very well be a shift towards the direction of your passion and your guided path in this life. This is also related to the second and third paragraph regarding stagnation of what you had acquired etc.

However, due to this change, a rivalry of two opposing forces may arise due to an accumulation of desires from both parties. This could be a rebelling against the limitations imposed on you by a third party as you are protecting what you believe in and/or what you are passionate about. This situation could bring regrets, radical changes, surprises and even positive unexpected events. Before making your move, evaluate what is the best course of action to reduce/prevent the rise or continued rise of conflict and rivalry which would cause you restlessness and unhappiness. 

Currently, you are represented by the Queen of Cups. You are very well capable of spreading affection and spontaneity. You are maternal and intuitive, you can completely trust your intuition during this period which further encourages you to reach out for the opportunities presented in front of you during this period if you so wished after careful consideration on your part. 

However, at the same time, you are at risk of becoming a attractive and dangerous person, dishonest and capable of creating misunderstandings and scandals. Remember to stay true to yourself and be honest with others. Refrain from lying to get what you desire in the short-term, rather build a trustworthy long-term relationship with the person you spoke to. If you do not wish to share or talk about certain things, instead of making up a lie to cover up or get out of the situation, simply explain that you are not comfortable or need more time to yourself before speaking to them about it.

You are in a very positive, healing state and emotionally fulfilled. As giving as you can be, you could become unintentionally insensitive to others as you are at a high point in your life. This is something you should be careful of to reduce potential conflict which results in restlessness and unhappiness and connected to the eighth paragraph regarding being seen as egocentric and unconcerned with others’ feelings. 

The dreams are an indication and even a preparation for this new chapter in your life. In this new chapter, there will be something unexpected and positive that will occur which brings about new desires, adventure, projects and successes. You should be clear about the actual situation in order to choose the most honest way to face this new and brilliant project and you are in fact guided to it. This could very well be related to finding your passion or your path to your passion and this is just the first spark. This will be a new and exciting adventure, prepare yourself! 😁 [There is a mischievous energy in the air, so be sure to learn and let go of negative impacts on yourself despite its source, get up and face the chapter with a child-like innocence and curiosity. Just because you are growing up, does not mean that you must lose that child-like attitude completely. Enjoy and have fun!]

In this new chapter, you are learning to tap into the Queen of Swords energy which is the personification of an ideal of wisdom, intelligence and brilliance, matured from delusions, privations or from problems that had been dealt with and overcame. Experiences, whether good or bad, served as an enrichment not as a motive for vendetta or wickedness. Remember that your experiences will enable you to deal with and better manage whatever happens, directing it towards positive and constructive outcomes. Generally, being true to yourself, learn from your experiences and let go of any negative feelings you have towards anything or anyone. This will embody you in a confident and carefree energy which is enjoyable to you and the people around you and very attractive.

This journey is necessary towards the slow but constant and determined evolution towards success, fullness, towards one’s real personal and professional objectives, as if towards the discovery of a new balance at the peak of a cycle. You are protected and guided, undoubtedly. In this new chapter, there could be events that will alter the path and future of your life and you are being guided, so don’t worry. In this new chapter, you are to have fun and enjoy it. To improve and mature does not necessarily mean you have to go through extremely tough times. 

There’s a huge emphasis on fun and enjoyment and in this chapter, you are meant to do and experience that. Don’t worry too much about things or let things weigh you down for too long. It is tough but it is part of what you have to learn, to let go of things, to not take everything too seriously. This chapter has a main focus on your happiness as well as happiness through healing, communication, passion and the root of you, being the true you, finding the true you. 

Again, have fun, be happy and enjoy yourself on this journey!

I might even need to bold and capitalise them. 🤣

HAPPY. EXCITING. FUN. ENJOY.

We hope this had helped you, 🌻 tl✨🐉!

For now, the little birdie shall return home 🏡 ~ Ring our doorbell whenever!

Rest well 💤 ~

[valiantleigh]

What I Learned From 5 Years of Minimalism

The Beginning of  a Learning Curve

It all started with clothes. Oh boy, the clothes that 14-year-old Brenna chose to wear. Walking into Rue 21, determined to make all my fashion dreams come true, I‌ [un]wisely chose 3 pairs of brightly colored skinny jeans⁠—electric blue, shockingly emerald green, and maroon⁠—and cheaply made circle scarves and tops to match. This was it. This is how I would gain the “oohs” and “ahhs” and admiration of my fellow trendy Freshmen at Parowan High.

Eventually, the glamour wore off. Frustrated, I realized that rare shades of spunky green could only match with so many things. Dressing fashionably was more of a chore than I had ever wanted it to be, and somehow I still didn’t measure up to the girls around me. How would I‌ ever be comfortable with how I looked and achieve the effortless style I longed for?

Enter minimalism⁠—the worldwide movement touting the universal benefits of decluttering, downsizing, and “less is more.” Capsule wardrobes and black and white outfits seemed like the perfect solution to my personal style dilemma, and at age 15 I proudly declared myself to be a “minimalist.”

(If you are not familiar with the term “minimalism”, this article, and this article both give a good overview.)

I‌ began to devour every piece of minimalist literature and media I could find. I strategically began buying clothing that was guaranteed to pair well each day. I was ruthless as I decluttered my belongings and challenged myself to thrive with only the things that were necessary. Everything had to go. Frivolity and excess became enemies to my ideal of perfection.

At one point, I was successfully dressing myself for school each day with only 3 shirts, 2 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of shoes, and one jacket to my name. Decided pickiness and a limited budget didn’t allow for much more, but at that time it was all about the numbers. I was proud of myself for proving it was possible to “live with less.”

But minimalism isn't strictly about clothing. It's a way of life. Mistakenly, I began to pattern myself after the lifestyle I saw on other people’s blogs and YouTube channels, convincing myself that this was my best life. Minimalism changed a lot of things for me: how I‌ viewed my time, my dream [tiny] house I‌ would build in college (ha! not happening), constant dissatisfaction with the untidiness of any room that wasn’t mine, and even how I‌ lived the gospel. Clearing the excess left me feeling empty instead of whole.

It took a little while but I finally realized that I‌ don’t want the smallest home possible; I don’t want to grow all my food and live off the grid; I‌ don’t want to constantly obsess over having the “right” stuff. And white walls and furniture? Forget it! I’m gonna be a mama, after all.

What I Got Wrong

In the end, minimalism wasn’t the solution to all my problems. For a young girl who felt that having full control over every detail of her life would bring the peace she desired, maybe minimalism wasn’t the best thing. However, looking back I wouldn’t give up the lessons I‌ learned about the relationship between possessions and my individual worth. While there was certainly a time that I cut out too much in order to live the lifestyle I‌ thought would save me, I have now kept the best parts of that journey and found balance and joy in more fulfilling ways.

So what are the best parts of minimalism? A few years ago, I totally missed the mark on that score. “Minimalism is a tool to rid yourself of life’s excess in favor of focusing on what’s important—so you can find happiness, fulfillment, and freedom.” (theminimalists.com, emphasis added) I, however, was using this tool as a justification for striving for unattainable flawlessness.

While I recount my past misunderstandings concerning minimalism, my goal is to dissuade you from it’s vices, not it’s actual tenets. Younger Brenna was reading words between the lines that weren’t meant to be there in the first place.

In fact, nearly every minimalist influencer out there pleads that newbies to the movement avoid conforming to any one way of using minimalism, especially if it isn’t right for them.

According to Colleen Valles of No Side Bar, “the beauty of minimalism” is that “there are no standards.”

“Minimalism is not about following someone else’s rules or way of living as a minimalist,” offers Melissa of Simple Lionheart Life. “It’s about figuring out what is important to you and getting rid of everything that’s distracting you from the important stuff.”

As I made this mental shift from a sort of utopian/restrictive minimalism to a mindful/carefree minimalism, here’s a few lessons I picked up on:

Lesson 1: When you find out what is really important to you, you’ll actually want it, and have a clear path to get it.

In this busy, busy world there is so much to choose from. With all of these choices vying for our attention, decision fatigue eventually leads to self doubt and feelings of failure.

But do we really even want the things that we choose on a daily basis? Do we want to scroll through our Instagram for 6 hours a day? Do we want to impress people whose opinions don’t matter to us anyway? Do we want to avoid things that might challenge us just because it is safe and easy? No one, when making a list of their priorities in life, even thinks about these things. They don’t make the Top 100!

So ask yourself, “What do I really want? And what is stopping me from obtaining it?” When I talk about actually wanting something, that includes taking the necessary action to reach for it and then make it a reality. This is different than saying something is a priority, or knowing something should be important to us.

You don't really want it unless you act like you want it.

A powerful gift that we have been given from our God is our ability to choose. By realizing what you really want and don’t want for your life, daily decision-making won't necessarily become easier, but it will certainly be simpler.

In my own life, instead of wearing certain styles of clothes to fit in or measure up to someone else, I‌ wear them because I‌ want to. I dress modestly because I want to. I‌ wear my vintage mom jeans because I look dang good in them, and because I‌ want to.

Instead of counting how many objects I own in order to fit into some made up ideal, I‌ keep it to the necessities because I want to. I‌ want my stuff to be organized, so I organize it, not worrying about how unorganized other people’s stuff is (because people are more important than stuff).

Once I figured out what I‌ really wanted, my life truly became mine, not some miserable copy-cat existence. My biggest hope for you is to recognize just how much power you wield when you make the choice to choose what your life is going to be.

Lesson 2: You can’t have everything you want, but you can be content.

I know this seems counter-intuitive to "choose what you want in life." But hear me out.

I am a firm believer that when we decide to choose the important stuff, it invites those things into our lives like a magnet. But I also know that we can’t choose every situation, or heartache, or trial that becomes a part of our mortal journey.

I like to think that our freedom of choice falls into two categories: (1) the things we can control or influence, no questions asked, and (2) the things we can’t–in which case we still have full and complete control over our attitude, our outlook, our reaction, and how we cope with what is placed before us.

My decision to be a minimalist was born out of discontent. I‌ just wanted more, more, more, because I didn’t feel like I was enough. But today, I’m here to tell you, that whatever you do have–whether it’s less or more–you can be content, and even grateful, right where you are. You are enough, and all that surrounds you is enough.

Even after all my talk of action and knowing what you want, I know that sometimes there is no amount of action that can change what our reality is right now. Some of our desires only come to fruition after we’ve been reaching for a very long time.

Remember those two categories of choices? I‌ think that they can be separated by time as well. The first category, the things we can control, are all in the future, at some later date. And while we wait, we make the category two choices: our attitude, how we view our situation. Contentedness is “satisfaction with things as they are.”

Plainly stated, we will never be happy or fulfilled with what we have in the future if we don’t accept our current situation–the “right now.”

What I am trying to say is this: maybe you want x but you need y. You want a clean home, but you need less stuff. You want freedom, but you need to take charge of your choices. You want peace, but you need to make space for it by letting go of something first. You want to be productive, but you need to measure your success differently.

After you know what you want, being content in your day-to-day existence–with yourself, your situation, your stuff, and the people around you–is the best way to love the journey while you reach for your desires.

Lesson 3: Money matters, but not in the way the world tells you.

Long before minimalism, I‌ learned my most important lesson about money management from paying tithing. Giving 10-percent of my earnings to the Lord–as a act of faith and obedience–has always multiplied the other 90-percent.

Minimalism taught me how to more effectively use that 90-percent. It’s easy to think that we are free to spend money just because we have it. I have been shopping for about 5 out of 20 years that I've been alive, and every purchase that ended up not working out in the way that I expected–whether I‌ was expecting increased happiness, popularity, or some easy fix to a deeper problem–was a lesson about treating my money well.

When you treat your money with kindness, it will treat you kindly too. So be nice to your money. Think carefully before you use it. Save some of it to show that you appreciate it. Invest it in something for the future. Spend it on that which is good and wholesome–especially the things and the people you treasure. But in all of your budgeting, don’t be too stingy with it. Money will ebb and flow through your life. Treat yourself! Use it as a tool to improve your life and lives around you. The mistakes you make with money will always be lessons for the future. Money is forgiving when you try to mend your ways; all it takes is some time.

Livin’ the Slow Life

I‌ hope you realize how recently these lessons took full effect for me. It didn’t happen right at first, or even all at once.

Over time, I’ve come to distance myself from the world of minimalism. I‌ no longer pour over articles from minimalist bloggers. I‌ know enough, and it sits well with me. Still, minimalism has been a big part of my growth, and I can’t pretend like it never happened.

Now that I know myself and my stuff a little bit better, I’ve decided to call what I do “slow living.” With a quick internet search you will find that there is certainly a slow movement going on, with decades of history behind it, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm just doing what works for me (and borrowing the term). How I approach productivity, money, and how I spend my time is largely influenced by minimalism, but recently it’s become something all it's own. (Of course, I’ve always been influenced by the gospel of Jesus Christ.) Right now, I’m just focused on “embracing my pace.” And I can’t wait to tell you more about it.

Live valiant leigh,

Brenna

[Originally posted on September 3, 2019]

[yoonminnow]

Cheers For Fears

→ pairing | Seokjin x reader

→ word count | 1.5k

→ genre | Drabble! crack, fluff

→ summary | Nothing scarier than celebrating Halloween surrounded by a bunch of young-adults. Luckily your fellow oldy, Jin, is there to boost your spirits, as well as encourage the consumption of them. 

A/N: This is a part of my Halloween drabble series I’m currently writing. Check out the others below.

Seokjin, Namjoon, Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung, Jungkook

You can’t really pinpoint the exact year it happened. There was no definitive cut off. No real transition. At some point, it had just become a fact. You had outgrown Halloween.

Gone were the days of you getting drunk on cheap beer at a house party, or dancing in a costume that's mesh would leave a rash on your underarms and short hemline would require you to tug it over your ass every 10 seconds.

You no longer had any desire to be one of the many people you were looking out upon pressed exceptionally close to one another on the bar dance floor. You were, in fact, rather content in your drunken state to be sat at the bar far away from the too-loud bass and the sticky floor that honestly made you want to run home and get your Swiffer™.

You enjoyed the cold chill of the alcohol as it spilled down your throat rather than down the front of your body as it would if you were on the dance floor. You enjoyed the feeling of the soft sweater draping over your body rather than the scratchy fabric of an overpriced Halloween costume. And, what you were actually enjoying the most was that your best friend and designated drinking buddy, Jin, had offered his shoulder for you to rest your head on once the fourth drink started to make you a little sleepy.

Still, despite all of the contentedness, you still can’t manage to shake the feeling that maybe you aren’t just too mature for Halloween now. Maybe it wasn’t that you are too good for the costumes, and the antics, and the debauchery. Maybe you are just-

“Old!” you yell out, banging your drink back down to the bar top with a bit too much vigor.

“Y/N, calm down. You are not old,” Jin says, not even sparing a glance to you as he eyes the TV behind the bar. 

“C’mon, Jin! Look around us,” you say as you sweep an unsteady arm across the crowd of young 20-somethings taking up space at your favorite bar. The gesture is made that much more dramatic when the momentum from your arm turns you in a slow circle on your bar stool. “We’re washed up! We’re past our prime! We’re-”

“Don’t say it again,” Jin cuts in.

“Old,” you finish, swiveling back to face your friend.

“We are not old, Y/N. You’re just going crazy.”

“Yeah, I heard that tends to happen with old age,” you nod solemnly.

“Oh my god, I’m now realizing you’re the reason I drink,” Jin says as he tips the last of his drink into his mouth, his throat bobbing as he swallows.

“Yeah, and I’m drinking to dull the pain of my withering viability,” you say as you lift your glass to Jin.

“Oh, shut up. You’re just as viable as any other woman here.” Jin says as he watches you tip your head back to empty your glass. “I’ve seen at least three guys eyeing you since we started this stupid conversation.”

You scoff while trying flag down your bartender who is currently engaged in a conversation with a beautiful redhead at the other end of the bar. Figures. “Jin, they were probably looking at you.”

“I don’t think so,” Jin says as he glares at two men standing behind you watching your figure as you get on your toes to lean across the bar. Jin promptly grips your wrist to sit you back into your seat, your legs wobbling from the effort as you come off your toes.

“What gives?” you ask, focusing on the boy who still hasn’t released your wrist from his hand.

“Let's make a bet,” Jin smiles at you, bringing his face closer to yours.

“Wh-what kind of bet?” your brows furrow in the center.

“I bet the next round of drinks that in 5 minutes you can get more looks than I can from strangers.”

Your eyes go wide at the proposal. “Are you serious?”

“Do I ever joke about free drinks?”

“Well, how do I know you aren’t going to lie?”

“Hmm,” Jin hums before his eyebrow ticks upwards, “How about you stand over there,” he gestures down the bar. “I’ll tally the number of people who look at you on a napkin, and you do it for me.”

You tug your lip in between your teeth as you consider the wager. There’s no doubt in your mind that Jin will pull more looks than you, so really this is easy money, or rather, easy alcohol.

“Do you accept?” Jin questions after your momentary pause, his hand outstretched awaiting your handshake.

You eye the gesture before placing your hand into his and shaking firmly. “Fine, but you should order my drink now so it’s ready by the time I come back,” you say as you hop off the barstool to walk to the other side of the bar.

“Then leave me your card,” Jin calls out to you as you turn away.

Once you reach your seat across the bar you look over to Jin to see him gesture at the clock on the wall. With a roll of your eyes, you begin watching for any glances aimed in Jin’s direction.

It certainly isn’t lost on you that Jin is an incredibly attractive guy. In fact, you’ve been painfully aware of how beautiful he is since you met in college. Back then you probably stared at him in awe much in the same way that everyone else does. It was only when he approached you one day after class that you discovered he is actually a massive dork, but, as it turns out, that only added kindling to your crush.

You’ve long surpassed the time frame where it would have been appropriate to act on your feelings, and even if you did it’s quite obvious to you, and probably to anyone with eyes, how that situation would play out. So instead, you’ve become content to stand on the sidelines as a friend. Or rather, you would be content if everyone and their mothers (quite literally, in many cases) weren’t thirsting over your him.  

The number of times friends, colleagues, even your younger sister had asked you about him would probably have been comical if it wasn’t so damn annoying. Everywhere you went together you could sense people staring at him. Convenience stores, shopping malls, restaurants, he could draw attention anywhere, which is why it doesn’t surprise you when he wracks up 15 tallies in the span in five minutes.

With a grin on your face, and only a hint of bitterness in your stomach, you make your way back to your seat, your mind already concocting a new drink for Jin to order.

“Hello, lover boy,” you greet as you climb onto your seat with only a bit of a struggle. “I should really thank all your suitors for helping me win.”

“Is that right?” Jin glances at your napkin before you cover it with your hands. “Okay, how about we reveal on three?”

“Fine, fine. One, two, three!” you say eagerly as you both flip your napkins.

Confident in your victory, you opt to watch Jin’s face rather than glance at his napkin, but when only a sly smile graces his features you quickly glance down to your napkins.

“5...10...18?” you shout as you count up the tallies on his own napkin. “No way in hell did I get 18!”

“I swear on the spirits of Halloween, and the spirits of this bar,” Jin says as he holds up a hand in oath.

“You must have miscounted then,” you insist, “or maybe it’s because-”

“Y/N, stop,” Jin interrupts. “I don’t know why you’re always so bent on discrediting yourself, but I swear that number isn’t a lie. If anything I rounded down.”

“Rounded down?” you ask in shock.

“Yeah, I chose not to count the ones that were just looking at your ass.”

“Oh my f-” you slur out as you bury your face into your sleeved forearm laid across the bar top.

You feel your cheeks heat up in embarrassment while Jin places his hand onto the back of your head, scratching lightly at the crown of your head.

“Really though, Y/N. I never understood why you just bat away any compliment that comes your way,” Jin says, his voice dipped closer to your face than it had been before. You slowly turn so you can look at him from where you head is settled on the bartop.

“You’re one of the most beautiful girls I know,” he says as his fingers continue to stroke through your hair, “And I’m not just saying that because you have a great ass. Which you do. But that’s not the point.”

A scoff escapes your lips as you continue to bask in Jin’s touch.

“And whether you’re 18, or 36, or 80 you’ll always be beautiful to me.”

You look up to your friend as you reach up to take hold of the hand in your hair, your fingers falling between his as you press your palm to the back of his hand. “Thanks, Jin.”

“Yeah,” he says quietly, passing his thumb absently over your smaller one. “Of course.”

Another moment of silence passes before Jin’s voice re-enters your hazy mind.

“So, uh, about that drink.”

“Oh my god, knock yourself out. Please,” you say as you toss your credit card into Jin’s lap.

[burnsyourlipsmate]

scrambled

Words and interview by Isaac Javier

The omnipresent spotlight will shine brighter than a sun on a cloudless noon, but who it graces its shine upon changes by the day, at times by the hour. It’ll glow upon both the one-hit wonders destined to dance with the stars and the talented geniuses that can turn an apple into a global enterprise.

To acquire all the gifts and curses of fame, one must stand in that spotlight and accept the lust-filled eyes of the world. Each passing day, there’s a new rapper or artist attracted to that light like a moth, trying to reach that point, believing that they do have what it takes to stand before the eyes of the world with their talent. Some make it big by extreme effort, others by connection and money, some stumble into the position almost by accident. There’s also rappers whose words will only reach the ears that listen to the sounds thumping in the underground. Some want the spotlight, others only want to pay their light bill, each comes with its own pros and cons, benefits and trials, but you have to decide.

The first time I heard “Just Ask” on a Soundcloud suggestion, it was love at first listen. Bearing a slightly similar style with the cult and critically acclaimed Noname (formerly known as Noname Gypsy), I genuinely thought that it was the Chicago born female rapper spitting those soothing bars and singing the awesome and hypnotising hook “Slow it down you move fastly/ On the highways you pass me/ Thoughts still linger from last week”. But halfway through listening, I noticed a distinct rawness about the track that made me re-think who it was I was listening to, and by the final line and instrumental outro, I was asking myself “Who is she?”

I was hooked and had the rest of my night’s playlist comprised of her Soundcloud timeline. Her songs, as a collective, featured a common theme of empowerment and positivity – something, along with being a female emcee and producer, that made her and artists alike standout and embody progressive hip-hop.

Her work ethic is also commendable, to say the least, with having numerous EP’s and tracks out, it resonates her commitment to her dream. Appropriately, she is full of ambition and hope for the realisation of her found purpose in life, music. With only more room to grow, the rawness will turn to refined, the lyrics to poetry, and the music to art. The spotlight bound to shine on this one.

In the current landscape of hip-hop being stereotypically dominated by materialism and violent subject matter, she is a genuine breath of fresh air with her unique narrative and message of positivity and innocence. Ever so often, you hear music that genuinely uplifits you during harder times, making you realise that “things aren’t so bad after all”. And ever so often, everyone needs to get told that important message of appreciating what you have instead of wanting more.

Her new song “Brighter Days(feat. NIKO)” features one of my favourite hooks which is as positive and empowering as it is catchy. This track showcases the aforementioned rawness and innocence which makes you appreciate the value of ambition, sending the listener in a state of contentedness and happiness. I had the privilege to speak to speak to Scrambled about her as an artist, her music, ambition, and her music collective, Scrambled Records. Read the interview below.

Isaac Javier:Who are you and what do you do?

Scrambled: What’s good everybody?  My name is Synclaire Rowen and I am a seventeen year old Rapper/Producer from Upstate New York. I go by the alias ‘Scrambled’ when it comes to making music. Y’all can call me that. My main mission is to make uplifting music that everyone can relate to and also to give young artists like me a platform to express themselves. I write lyrics, make beats, and record all of my tracks in my bedroom studio.

IJ: What does music mean to you?

Scrambled: Music means life to me. It means expression, creativity, flexibility, and love. Music can take you back to anywhere and bring groups of people together everywhere. That’s why I make music, so I can be creative and make connections. So I can give people something to relate to just as so many of my favorite artists have given to me.

IJ: How long have you been making music?

Scrambled: Been writing lyrics and poetry since I was 10 years old then started getting into recording and mixing my own stuff when I was 14. So for about 7 years, music has been highly prioritized in my life. I put out my first track in October of 2014.

IJ: What does it feel like putting out that first track? something that you put your heart into and the realisation of doing what you set out to do

Scrambled: Putting out my first track was like everything I had bottled up was finally released. I had been telling my peers I rapped for a while but no one had a taste of what I actually rapped like. The track is called Supreme and to this day is still one of my favorites I have done. The feeling of having your own song out there, anyone can listen to, is indescribable. After I put out one song, I knew I needed to keep putting them out. Track after track.

IJ: What inspired you to start making music?

Scrambled: I always loved to write rhymes and one day I decided to just go for it. I decided I wanted to do it and I never turned back from there. The artists that inspire me definitely helped as well.

IJ: What artists inspire you to make music?

Scrambled: My idol will forever be Chance the Rapper. Also I fuck with Earl Sweatshirt, Tyler the Creator, Mick Jenkins, Noname, and Joey Bada$$ to name a few. Listening to their music helps inspire me to create.

IJ: What does being a female emcee and musician mean to you?

Scrambled: One part of me wishes that it wouldn’t matter. Male or female. Because to me, I am a musician. And along with every other musician I want to stand out and that’s where I believe being a female helps out. It makes me stand out because, sad to say, but people don’t expect girls to rap good. So when I come out spitting bars, people are genuinely surprised and impressed.

IJ: What can you say about the state of female artists in hip hop

Scrambled: I feel as if that there aren’t enough repping us out there. And the popular female artists in hip hop don’t rep the same message I’m about. I’m not a rap diva but I’m also not a female rapper from the hood. I’m on my own creative spectrum that I feel like I have the ability to control. I believe that females in hip hop are pushing forward a positive direction and I really hope to be a part of that movement.

IJ: Describing that new spectrum you mentioned, how would you describe you’re music?

Scrambled: I would describe my music as a fusion of feel good hip hop and vivid bars with hints of singing throughout my tracks. My music is meant to bring people together, connect different individuals, and leave positive messages wherever it is played. I’m all about spreading love.

IJ: What’s next for you?

Scrambled: Moving forward, I’m gonna just keep doing my thing. Keep making music, progressing in that, and keep hosting events like the open mic I just started, and hopefully just get more and more people to catch on. I’m working on a solo mixtape that’s going to drop later this year. I’m excited to keep on working and to see where my journey takes me yo

IJ: Talk about your Scrambled records, what it is,who it’s for, what are you trying to achieve.

Scrambled: Scrambled Records is a record label/collective I started to give other artists like me a platform to collaborate, create, and release their own material. I started recording/producing for a lot of my rapper friends out of my bedroom so I decided to make it a little more official. I am welcome to getting new artists on my page, so they have a space for all of their music and contact information. I hope to build that and eventually be recording and producing a handful of artists under my name/partnership. My website http://scrambledrecords.com has all of my music, videos, events, and other music related content. I hope to one day have my own professional recording studio that me, along with other creative artists, can record and work out of. That’s the ultimate goal.

Listen to her latest project, Summer Tape,featuring NIKO.

[balancednotclean-blog]

Personal Update 7/7/2017

I’m currently sitting in the lobby of David Lloyd, which is where I go to the gym. It’s a really nice environment, actually. The door is open behind me, so I’m getting a gentle breeze fluttering between my limbs and over this keyboard. Perhaps rather sillily, I’ve located myself right next to the children’s corner of the room. It’s a very open plan environment for the most part, and half-walls separate tables and chairs from the kiddy domain. A man just lurked near the door behind me, and I may have rolled eyes somewhat reflexively. I don’t really know why – I’m just easily irritated nowadays.

I feel somewhat like I ‘came out’ yesterday. I had a ramble on my Instagram Story about being diagnosed with depression. It happened in May (it’s July now, isn’t it?) and it’s taken me that long to really process what was said to me. “You have moderate depression and anxiety,” the co-ordinator told me.

There’s this new service called Steps2Change in Lincolnshire (my county) which is for self-referrals for mental health treatment here. As someone who has felt increasingly unable to talk ‘face to face’ about my issues, after some coaxing, this felt like a good step. It took over a month to get my consultation, but given the state of waiting lists right now, that was still quite good.

A small child just closed a toy microwave five times in a row. He just giggled at Mr Tumble on Cbeebies. Adults are chuckling at him.

I didn’t feel quite like I conveyed my feelings very well in my consultation, but the labels were brandished upon me all the same.

The family have left the childrens’ area. I’m left with the breeze from the open door all to myself.

I remember feeling somewhat optimistic, but also baffled, when I was given that diagnosis.

A woman just rambled at me about not being able to walk in her high wedges. She abandons them by the open door and runs off to retrieve something. I wish these people wouldn’t keep looking at my computer screen.

They didn’t just leave me with a diagnosis, however. I was told I would receive CBT – and that I’d get extra, longer sessions than their standard level of treatment. If I remember correctly, this meant I was eligible for 12 one hour sessions.

No-wedge lady is back. Shoes back on. She’s back out the door.

Feeling somewhat hopeful that I might be getting somewhere in terms of a treatment plan, I cautiously asked when it would start.

The dreaded phrase of ‘waiting list’ inevitably cropped up. I wasn’t given any indication of when I would actually have a session – and I haven’t had any further contact or letters since my consultation in May. As I’m on the list for ‘longer treatment periods and sessions’, I have a horrible feeling that it’s going to be some considerable time before I actually get there.

I’ve been trying to remain upbeat, and trying to confront my feelings myself. I don’t want to feel like a victim, and I don’t want to feel like some therapist or drug is going to swoop down and save me. Yet, despite efforts to try and eat healthier, to try and ‘listen to my mind’ and to try and do all of the things people tell me to do in order to ‘feel like myself again’, I am getting nowhere.

I feel so incredibly stuck up my own arse to be lamenting my mental state on my blog like this, but I don’t know what else I am supposed to do at this stage. I’m actually pretty impressed that I’ve just sat down to do this, as I’ve otherwise been avoiding really engaging with my blog or what’s happened regarding my mental health of late.

The worst feeling has to be the utter numbness and lack of motivation. Not contentedness to ‘do nothing’, but truly feeling nothing at doing nothing and feeling no urge to do anything other than do nothing. And – when I do get away for a while – whether it is into my blog, or into the gym – it’s a temporary escape.

I’ve been crying on the toilet because I just feel despairing. In bed. Looking at the garden. In the car. I’ve been wondering how I’ll cope at all at university. I’ve been contemplating whether I should just not go to university at all. Whether I should delete my Instagram, delete my blog, and just give up on myself entirely.

High wedge lady has just returned inside with a coffee and a man around her arm.

I sound so ridiculous. So stuck in my own head and so stuck in my own wallowing, but really – that’s what it feels like. It feels like someone’s got superglue in my brain and my eyesight is somehow fixed inwards in a way that means I can’t process things in the outside world properly or have a healthy perspective of my own mind. The glue is seeping into different parts of my brain and my psyche and my life and just making walking and breathing a laborious, mentally draining task.

Physically, it feels like there’s a weight pulling down inside my head. Like there’s gravitational pull trying to suck my brain from its position to somewhere a little bit lower – just behind my nose. Simultaneously, my eyelids are drooping, my legs feel like lead (queen of the cliché right here) and lethargy and pointlessness are the overruling feeling.

I would quite often try and come up for reasons as to why I felt a certain way, so that I could come to conclusions and solutions as to how I could tackle my feelings. I don’t even do that anymore – and not so much because I feel it had reached self-defeating heights, but more because the cogs in my brain have lost their oil and are screeching to a halt.

“It’s just exam stress, Ashleigh!” Maybe it is. Exams are over now – and I know I don’t have the results yet – but honestly, at this stage, I couldn’t care less about my results. And that makes me feel disappointed. The fire that kept me going throughout my recovery from anorexia in Year 10 and 11 was that of education. It was the determination to always improve myself, always grow and always develop. I’m more of a soggy firepit now - drowning because it had a bucket of muggy water sloshed over it.

Lifting still makes me feel good, but actually lifting myself out of bed has become somewhat of a challenge. I’m more argumentative, more irritable, more out-of-touch with my food habits and sleep and friendships than ever. I’ve been ignoring deadlines and commitments, and I’ve been getting anxious at the slightest thing. I don’t even like making phone calls anymore, and just the thought of public speaking makes me sweat. At the same time, I painfully regret having shot many opportunities in the foot because of how I’ve been feeling.

I don’t know where Ashleigh has gone, and I don’t like not knowing what to do. Life feels uncontrollable at the moment, but at the same time, I have no energy to try and exert control. I feel like the perfectionist who has given up trying to achieve perfection, but who has not stopped demanding it.