balancednotclean-blog

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Goodlife Frozen Ready Meals, Reviewed: ‘3 Bean Chilli’ and ‘Vegetable Masala’

It seems so long since I’ve done a review! I’ve been having lots of creation-sessions in terms of making new recipes, but other than that, my diet has been rather devoid of new foods and things to try. However, I decided to break this new trend when I was invited to try these new ready meals (found in the frozen aisle - I got mine from Morrison’s).

I’ve definitely had more vegetarian leanings since starting university. It’s been a mixture of emotional and ethical concerns, convenience - and cost. Pasta and pesto is quite clearly an incredible combination whether or not meat is present.

Both ready meals come with ‘cauliflower rice’ rather than typical rice, which bumps up the vegetable count, lowers the carbs and calories and keeps things fairly light. I have to say that I was somewhat cautious when I saw that it was cauliflower rice being used, but my uni friends (Inge and Elliott join us for this review!) and I actually found it worked well in both instances. It’s also nice that it increases that veggie count, somewhat - because being at university especially can sometimes let that ‘5 a day’ target slack. 3 of your 5 a day being in both of these makes these a convenient and nutritious choice.

Cooking both ready meals was super easy - simply pierce the film across the foods and cook for 18 minutes, then peel back the film on each side and stir the compartments separately. The food is then returned to the oven for a while before it is to be served.

I’d actually say the cauliflower rice had a firmer texture than what I was initially expecting from it. Generally, cauliflower is a vegetable I avoid - I hate how it can get so mushy, I hate the flavour, and I hate the smell. Here, though, as cauliflower rice - it is palatable, particularly when mixed through with the saucier food.

My friends Inge and Elliott were both pleasantly surprised by the cauliflower rice as well. They did admit they’d probably prefer ‘normal’ rice, but did note that it was good to get more veggies in. However, they said they still would’ve preferred less cauliflower rice and having more filling ingredients in the ‘main’ element of each respective meal.

As for flavour in the rest of the dishes, we all agreed that there could be a little bit more spice added - although its probably a relief (particularly to veggies or vegans who’s meal choice is limited) that it is milder to some people.

The 3 Bean Chilli seemed to strike the balance of flavour particularly well. It had a nice heat to it, and really didn’t make the vegetable content too obvious. Texturally, though, we thought it could be slightly improved. Inge said that she would have liked something crunchier in the mix - and I agree. It was still very pleasant nonetheless, though.

The sweet potato pieces in the Vegetable Masala worked really well and mixed up the texture slightly more than the 3 Bean Chilli seemed to. It was nice that it was not overly runny nor thick, and it stood out well versus meat-based masalas The chickpeas in particular helped to make the meal filling, but we would’ve all liked to have seen more sweet potato in there to bulk it out some more.

Overall, we came to the consensus that it was a particularly good meal for vegetarian (or vegan, in the case of the 3 Bean Chilli) that was convenient, suitable for meat eaters and accessible on a student budget. For such a filling meal with 3/5 of your five a day, £2 convenience (from Morrison’s) ticked all of the boxes. In that regard, having cauliflower rice rather than ‘normal’ rice probably worked better - giving us extra veggies and fibre versus white rice especially.

Inge and Elliott said they would definitely look into buying these products themselves, and if they were vegetarian or vegan they’d eat them very regularly. I was also very impressed with the meals and the ones I have reviewed before. As I mention there, it’s a tasty and vegetable packed range that isn’t too brutal to the wallet - and I truly think these are worthy additions to their line.

Nutritionally, both meals are on the ‘light’ side - much more so than your usual takeaway option. This again may make it a good option for some people, however if you need lots of calories to keep you going, equivalents with ‘normal’ rice would be better suited for you.

The three bean chilli came in at 276 calories and the vegetable masala came in at 294 - demonstrating just how low calorie they are for a main meal. However, with fibre and protein at 26g/15g and 16.8g/11.6g respectively from purely plant based sources, it’s unsurprising that these meals were as satiating as they were despite their low energy density. Good for dieters!

Overall Verdict: 8/10

With a slight tweak to the recipes to add a slightly ‘crunchy’ element, these would be perfect! Recommended.

Make sure to check your frozen aisle in local supermarkets (Sainsbury’s, Morrison’s, Waitrose) to see if they have their goods stocked. If chilli or masala isn’t your thing, I highly recommend their spinach sausages or carrot and cashew burgers.

[balancednotclean-blog]

White Chocolate Carb Killa Blondies

And here’s the other blondie recipe I promised you! This one uses the new Carb Killa chocolate spread - and instead of using Protein Pow Mix, it uses oat flour, almond flour, white chocolate hot choc powder and faba bean protein powder (which can be replaced with yet more almond flour).

Out of all of the recipes I have made for blondies, I think this one somehow takes the cake. It’s the gooiest of them all - and the best in flavour. It tastes incredible at room temperature, refrigerated and even when frozen. The white chocolate chips thrown in the batter blended perfectly with all of the ingredients and left me with something that truly just tasted bloody amazing.             ��                                                                           

Super rich. Super gooey. And if you use protein chocolate: over 10g protein per 200 calorie slice.

As for a quick review of what the carb killa spread is like? I really enjoy it. Smooth, moreish, authentic white chocolate flavour and the cookie pieces make me think of it as a white chocolate version of my long-time-favourite, Malteser spread. Only issue is that because it uses sugar alcohols, intake has to be limited (regardless of macros) unless you’re immune to their stomach-churning effects!

A similar note of caution should be taken for this recipe. Limit yourself to 1 or 2 slices per day to be on the safe side. You’ll thank yourself for keeping some for another day, anyway!

Ingredients

1 large egg

50g Philadelphia light or free from soft cheese

200g white chocolate cookie carb killa spread

200g apple and banana puree (baby food aisle is convenient for this)

100g Sukrin gold (very low calorie brown sugar replacement)

25g white hot chocolate powder (I recommend Options)

25g oat flour (can be purchased as ‘pure fine oats/ground oats/oats for shakes’ often)

50g almond flour

50g faba bean concentrate or 50g extra almond flour

A dash of salt

Optional but highly recommended: 100g white chocolate chips (or dark or protein choc to tone down the sweetness)

Method

1) In a large bowl, mix together the white chocolate spread, cream cheese and baby puree until smooth.

2) Crack the egg into the mixture and combine. Don’t whip it too much - just make sure everything is well mixed together.

3) Add Sukrin gold, salt, oat flour and the white hot chocolate to your mixture and combine.

4) Stir all of the faba bean/almond flour into the batter.

5) Fold in the chocolate chips if you’re using them.

6) Pour the batter into a tin approximately 15cm x 7cm that is lined with baking parchment. I tend to put my baking parchment so it overlaps the edges slightly so once my baked goods are cool I can lift them straight out. I’d recommend using a sheet of paper both lengthways and crossways for this so the blondies don’t stick to any exposed sides.

7) Bake for 40-50 minutes at 180C (Gas Mark 4) until the top is browned and springs back slightly when poked. A knife/skewer shouldn’t come out clean, though - as the middle will be very gooey when it comes out of the oven (especially if you used chocolate chips). It firms up considerably once it’s been allowed to cool.

8) Leave the blondies to cool completely in the tin. Trust me. Leave them!

9) Once they’re room temperature, you can lift them out of the tin using the baking parchment.

10) Slice into 12 pieces.

11) Enjoy! These are also very tasty refrigerated and should freeze for a couple of months.

Nutrition (out of 12, using choc chips & faba bean concentrate)

Calories: 204

Fat: 12.1g

Carbs: 18.3g (+2.5g fibre)

Protein: 9.4g

[balancednotclean-blog]

Chocolate Chunk Higher Protein Blondies

It wasn’t that long ago that I seemed to go through an endless phase of producing brownie after brownie. Well, now, the sweet treat of the moment is the all-mighty blondie. It’s always been my favourite treat, really - just all too often, they aren’t done quite right.

Either lacking in white chocolate kick or coming out cakier than they are gooey, blondies can be a tricky bake to master. And that’s without the added complication of trying to make something slightly more macro friendly!

Well, this recipe (and another one I’m going to upload straight after this) are as good as I think a protein blondie could ever get. Truly. They’re amazing, if I do say so myself.

The chocolate chunks in here could be replaced with Cocoa Plus’ high protein chocolate to up protein content whilst still tasting absolutely incredible.

As with most gooey produce, I think they are best refrigerated (or even frozen!). This will help them keep for longer (if you can resist eating them all). I’d say they’ll last for 2 months in the freezer (other than being eaten in the meantime!!).

Here’s the recipe!

Ingredients

1 large egg

200g tesco white chocolate spread

50g philadelphia light (light cream cheese)

200g apple and banana puree (baby food, as always)

100g sukrin gold

100g pea protein pow mix (a blend of pea protein, coconut flour, oat flour and vanilla flavour). You can sub this for plain flour or attempt a replica of the mix (I’d go about 35% pea protein, 25% coconut flour, 35% oat flour, 5% vanilla extract and coconut sugar)

a pinch of salt

100g chocolate of choice (a mix of white and milk works well if you don’t want to use protein chocolate)

Method

1) Mix together the wet ingredients in a large bowl until fully mixed combined.

2) Fold in the dry ingredients until no lumps remain.

3) Pour the batter into a 15 x 7cm (approx) tin lined with baking parchment so that the blondies can be lifted straight out once they are cooked and done cooling.

4) Bake at Gas Mark 5 (190C) for 35 minutes, turning halfway.

5) Allow to cool completely in the tin.

6) Slice into 12 pieces (be careful not to score the non-stick coating of your tin).

7) Devour!

Nutritionally, this will depend on if you use chocolate and what exact brands you use, but on average each slice is 215 calories and 6g protein with chocolate, or 210 and 8g protein with protein chocolate. No chocolate chunks lowers the calorie count to 167 per slice.

[balancednotclean-blog]

Cocoa Plus High Protein Milk Chocolate Review

Some of you may remember my first review of Cocoa Plus’ high protein chocolate. I was really impressed with it. There was no graininess in the slightest and it had an impressive richness to it akin to a dark chocolate without there being any bitter notes.

So it’s safe to say that my hopes were high for the latest addition to their range - a milk protein chocolate bar! As every consumer of chocolate will know, milk chocolate includes milk solids as well as cocoa solids. It’s also common for it to be sweeter than its dark chocolate counterpart, but it isn’t as sweet as white chocolate due to cocoa solids still being present (rather than just cocoa butter).

This particular addition to the range has a cocoa content of 40%, which is pretty good for a milk chocolate bar (certainly higher than the likes of Cadbury and Galaxy), and means the bar will pack more of those compounds that scientists rave about in dark chocolate.

Breaking off a couple of squares happens with a snappy flourish. I’d say it’s slightly less of a firm snap than the darker variety, but that’s unsurprising considering how milk should be creamier.

Biting into these squares is as enjoyable as the original bars too - with each square being a generous but sensible size with a pleasing sloped shape, giving the centre of the square excellent bite.

Taste wise, I’d actually say it exceeded my expectations. It’s gloriously rich, perfectly smooth and as chocolatey as chocolate can be. There is no way I would have thought this was “protein chocolate” if I had been fed blind. A sweet milkiness complements the cocoa perfectly, very much reminding me of excellent Belgian chocolate and my long love of Hotel Chocolat.

Melting a couple of squares on porridge really lets the flavours shine. Mellow, hearty chocolate tones reminiscent of the best hot chocolate I ever had (on a ski trip in Italy when I was 12!) hit me all at once. I thought their original flavour was my favourite - but now I’m second guessing myself!

Clearly the pricing of these bars is higher than that of your average corner shop snack, but I truly think this is a league ahead - both in taste and nutrition. I was provided this milk chocolate free of charge to review - but I have and will continue to buy their products for gifts and my own consumption.

This is extremely well done - and gives me a lot of faith that perhaps one day, we’ll have a high protein white chocolate worth shouting about.

Nutritionally, per 100g, this is approximately 20 calories higher than their original darker chocolate (as well as their flavoured and crispy ranges). Well worth it in my opinion. Give it a try - you won’t regret it.

Taste Rating: 10 amazing taste.

Texture Rating: 9/10 would love to see these in the thicker mini bars.

Value Rating: 7.5/10 clearly more expensive than a typical milk chocolate bar, but equally I enjoy this far more. Plus… I do have 20% discount code! BALANCEDNOTCLEAN

Nutrition Rating: 7.5/10 Certainly higher protein and fibre than a traditional milk chocolate bar.

Final Rating: 8.5/10

Well worth a try!

[balancednotclean-blog]

Biscuit Spread (Biscoff) Truffles

It’s a miracle I had any Biscoff left, to be honest. What with the 200g I used for my Biscoff Blondies and my tendency to go at it with a spoon, I honestly thought there would be none left.

Alas! 90g remained (well, more like 120g, but, again, spoon events) and this enabled me to create some truffles or energy balls (or ‘poops’ as my mum likes to call them) that taste hella good. Down with the kids, I am.

Slightly firmer than a cookie dough, but still soft and sweet - I may have used these as an impromptu breakfast this morning (plus some protein cheese, ‘cos macros and it fills me up good).

Ingredients

90g biscuit spread (Lotus Biscoff)

30g Philadelphia light or Tesco’s free from soft cheese for a vegan recipe

30g pea protein pow baking mix (or flour, to be fair)

30g Sukrin sugar replacement* or brown sugar

*can buy this from MuscleFood, super useful for baking. Pop the code BNCBONUS in at checkout to get £5 off your order and some good karma. :-)

Method

1) In a medium size bowl (think bigger than cereal bowl - even if you like a helluvalot of cereal), add the Biscuit spread and Sukrin sugar replacement. You are allowed to lick the spoon.

2) Mix together the Sukrin and Biscoff.

3) Add the pea protein pow mix and mix it in as best as you can (it will go like a slightly moist, yet dry, crumb).

4) Mix in the cream cheese until evenly combined with the rest of the ingredients. This will leave a soft, slightly moist dough ball (I’m so sorry if you hate the word moist, I’ve said moist far many more times than moist should be said in a single, moist, recipe post).

5) Weigh the dough ball so can divide that weight by however many servings you want to get evenly sized truffles/balls/poops.

6) Once you have blobbed specific ‘grammage’ of dough, roll each one up on your hand. Don’t squish them together - literally roll them between your palms. Makes ‘em super smoooooth and round.

7) Freeze/refrigerate any leftovers (lol let’s be serious now) or eat them all in one go like I did (I’m not advocating irresponsible dietary advice, but, let’s be honest now). If you want to keep them, put them in a little tupperware box or something. Maybe a freezer bag (but they might get squished).

Nutrition (I made 12 servings, so each one has):

Calories: 57

Fat: 3.4g

Carbs: 5.5g (0.3g fibre)

Protein: 1.3g

And so, for science, the whole recipe has:

Calories: 686

Fat: 40.4g (KETOGENIC PPL WHERE U AT?)

Carbs: 66.2g (3.5g fibre) (NOWHERE NEAR HERE)

Protein: 15.5g (#GAINS)

I felt in a strange mood when I wrote this. Could you tell?

[balancednotclean-blog]

Nuttvia Lower Sugar Protein Brownies Recipe

I was so happy with my vegan Biscoff blondies the other day that I thought it would be worthwhile making a brownie following a similar recipe.

Quite simply, I followed that recipe to a T - other than adding Nuttvia’s new reduced sugar chocolate hazelnut spread. Because of the milk-derived products in this spread, it is not vegan, but it is reduced sugar, as using both Sukrin and this spread involves sugar alternatives. Each square of this (out of 12) has 5.4g of sugar, versus the 10g in the Biscoff version (which still manages to reduce sugar content versus many recipes anyway).

It’s another one where leaving it in the fridge allows the flavours to come to their own, too. Although I would usually opt for JimJams for a lower sugar alternative to Nutella, I was very impressed with how strong the hazelnut flavour was here. It gave the spread a praline-esque flavour.

I advise reading the vegan Biscoff blondie recipe for a bit of inspiration on how I  came up with that recipe to start with (and thus, how I went about making this one). However, as this is not vegan, you could automatically use some other ingredients to achieve a similar effect.

For example, you could swap out the free from ‘soft cheese’ for Philadelphia or Philadelphia Light (I wouldn’t advise Lightest, as we do need some fat here). I would actually urr on the side of using the full fat variety, as it won’t be too much different macros wise and will make a superior product.

I used the apple and banana puree in the original recipe as a bulking agent and an egg replacement. So... you could sub out about 80g of the puree for a large egg. This should bind things well, and will keep the recipe moist without it being ‘watery wet’. I honestly have no other phrase for how recipes can go other than ‘watery wet!’ Too much water-based products can make it soggy, almost sponge-like (and not the nice Victoria Sponge kind of spongey), whereas fats and egg can make recipes gooier and fluffier.

If you’re not too worried about sugar, you could also sub some of the apple puree for honey (directly substitute this: so 20g apple puree should be removed for 20g honey, for example). The extra sugar will make this chewier.

Obviously, you could also use standard brown sugar rather than Sukrin low calorie sugar replacement.

If you increase sugar content via honey especially or remove some apple puree to add an egg, you’d want to keep this recipe at Gas Mark 5/180C and cook for 35 minutes. This recipe seems to cook slightly differently to the Biscoff variety so it doesn’t need to be reduced to 4.

I cooked this version (which I’ll share the ingredients for below) for 35 minutes at Gas Mark 5, but I think it actually could’ve benefitted from 5 or 10 minutes longer as it was slightly too moist for my liking. They were good once cool and refrigerated, though!                                                                                             

Ingredients

150g pea protein pow mix

100g sukrin gold OR brown demerara sugar

a pinch of salt

200g Nuttvia (plus extra to drizzle on top of the cooked brownies)

50g free from soft cheese (Tesco)

300g apple and banana puree (baby food)

Optional: chocolate chips to mix in* or melt over the top, or frosting for the top after they’re cooked

*mix ins may increase cooking time, so lowering the temperature to Gas Mark 4/4.5 and cooking for 45 minutes may work best. I’d advise trying the standard recipe first.

Method

1) Pre heat your oven to Gas Mark 5/180C.

2) Using one sheet of baking paper, like your tin with the paper so that it overlaps the sides, making the tin easy to lift out.

3) In a large bowl, mix together the dry ingredients.

4) Add in the wet ingredients and mix by hand until smooth and evenly combined.

5) Transfer the batter to the lined baking tin.

6) Put the tin, filled with brownie batter, in the pre heated oven.

7) Leave to cook for 20 minutes, then rotate the tin 180C so the far and near side of the tin are evenly browned.

10) Allow the brownies to cook for a further 15-25 minutes (try the lower side if they’ve got extra sugar added or reduced puree).

11) Remove the brownies from the oven. They should be gooey (so a skewer won’t come out clean), but if they’re allowed to completely cool in the tin they will solidify enough to pick up.

12) Let the blondies cool completely in the tin.

13) Carefully slice the brownies into 12 pieces (you don’t want to damage your pans).*

*skip this step if you’re going to be adding frosting

14) Without separating the brownies, lift them straight out using the convenient baking paper flaps you have poking out of your tin.

15) Ensuring the brownies are room temperature, transfer them to the fridge. You could also freeze some at this point for future consumption, or add frosting.

16) Once they have chilled in the fridge (I left mine overnight, but they’d be cold in an hour or two), dig in!

Altering ingredients will change nutritional information, but my brownies were as follows (per slice out of 12, without extra spread on top):

Calories: 151

Fat: 7.6g

Carbs: 26.5g (+3g fibre)

Protein: 5.9g

Let me know what you think!

You can buy Sukrin and other ingredients from MuscleFood. The code BNCBONUS gets you £5 off any order if you pop it in at checkout.

[balancednotclean-blog]

Vegan Biscuit Spread Blondies Recipe

Although blondies are typically white chocolate brownies, I felt these were still worthy of the moniker.

Soft and gooey with just the right amount of cakey crumbliness, these blondies come into their own once they have been given a chance to cool (and better yet, time left in the fridge).

The vegan aspect was more of a self-challenge. I wanted to see if I could create something off-the-cuff that worked. Something that had flavour, texture and taste I’d choose whether it was vegan or not.

Biscuit spread was my weapon of choice as it’s one of my favourite spreads. Ever. Nothing can beat it over toasted crumpets or steaming hot porridge. The way it just melts and brings its warmth to everything makes it stand out far beyond the likes of Nutella - and I’m a self confessed chocoholic.

I don’t know if you’ve read about this one on my Instagram, but I approached this bake very strategically as I was inventing this with no prior inspiration (other than years of baking failures, both vegan and not!). I knew a good blondie needed sugar for texture, fats for gooiness and flour for bulk, binding and texture. I know now that a dash of salt can improve most recipes immensely, and adding a little extra cinnamon can kick the flavour up a notch.

Yet, because this is a vegan recipe, I also knew I had some constraints. I couldn’t use butter. I couldn’t use any eggs, or milk. And I didn’t think chia seeds, although vegan, would work as I wanted to here. They’d disrupt the texture in a way I didn’t want (the only welcome disruptions would be vegan white chocolate chips - but I didn’t have any).

So out came the biscoff as a “butter��, sugar and flavour source. Vegan “soft cheese” (I used Tesco’s Free From range) upped the fat content some more and gave extra moistness (it uses coconut, I think). Apple and banana purée (literally little tubs of baby food works best, as it’s fully blended, convenient and has no lumps) became my egg substitute, bulking agent, and mild sweetener.

Extra sugar came from Sukrin (it’s a low calorie baking sugar), but this could easily be swapped with bogstandard brown sugar (I recommend Demerara - big sugar crystals for extra chew).

Overall, if you want the recipe sweeter, you could substitute some of the fruit purée for agave (vegan) or honey (not vegan). Or, add extra sugar and leave the fruit purée in. Just be aware that extra sugar makes the recipe more prone to burning, so you might want to lower the temperature and cook the recipe for longer.

As for my flour - I used Protein Pow Mix. This is a mixture of oat flour, pea protein, coconut flour, a dash of coconut sugar and some vanilla. I’m not sure of the exact proportions of each ingredient, but my guess would be something like 45% 30% 20% 5% for the oat flour (blended oats), pea protein, coconut flour and coconut sugar (you could add 1tsp vanilla extract to the mixture). Alternatively, you could use sub all of the protein pow mix with standard baking flour, but I haven’t tried this. Bear in mind that coconut flour especially tends to absorb a lot of liquid.

I added in the flour last, so when mixing everything together, the texture should be smooth, but thick enough to make slight waves in the top of the bowl. It’s definitely not runny, but it’s not a dough. I probably should have got a video. Oops.

Okay, I think that’s everything explained before we get started. Just make sure you have some baking paper (to lift your blondies out of their baking tin). My baking tin is rectangular and approx 15cm by 8cm. Having thicker blondies (3cm approx) is a good thing! Let’s you appreciate their gooiness in all their glory.

Ingredients

150g pea protein pow mix

100g sukrin gold OR brown demerara sugar

a pinch of salt

1/2tsp cinnamon

200g biscuit spread (plus extra to swirl on the top once it’s in the tin)

50g free from soft cheese (Tesco)

300g apple and banana purée (baby food)

Optional: chocolate chips to mix in* or melt over the top, or frosting for the top

*mix ins may increase cooking time, so lowering the temperature to Gas Mark 4/4.5 and cooking for 45 minutes may work best. I’d advise trying the standard recipe first.

Method

1) Pre heat your oven to Gas Mark 5/180C (or 4 if you’ve added extra sugar/mix ins).

2) Using one sheet of baking paper, like your tin with the paper so that it overlaps the sides, making the tin easy to lift out.

3) In a large bowl, mix together the dry ingredients.

4) Add in the wet ingredients (don’t add the extra biscoff just yet, just put in the 200g needed for the base recipe) and mix by hand until smooth and evenly combined.

5) Transfer the batter to the lined baking tin.

6) You may want to soften some biscoff spread in the microwave for this next step: mixing in some biscoff to the top of the blondie batter to create a marbled effect.

7) To be honest, I didn’t bother (I just got a blob and swirled it with a spoon, but it’d probably be easier if it was slightly melted).

8) Put the tin, filled with blondie batter, in the pre heated oven.

9) Leave to cook for 20 minutes, then rotate the tin 180C so the fat and near side of the tin are evenly browned (if you aren’t using a convection oven).

10) Allow the blondies to cook for a further 15 minutes.

11) Remove the blondies from the oven.

12) Let the blondies cook in their tin for 10-15 minutes.

13) Carefully slice the blondies into 12 pieces (you don’t want to damage your pans).*

*skip this step if you’re going to be adding frosting

14) Without separating the blondies, lift them straight out using the convenient baking paper flaps you have poking out of your tin.

15) Put the cooked blondies onto a wire rack to cool to room temperature.

16) Once room temperature, transfer the blondies to the fridge. You could also freeze some at this point for future consumption, or add frosting now the blondies are cool (otherwise the frosting would slide off).

17 Once they have chilled in the fridge (I left mine overnight, but they’d be cold in an hour or two), dig in!

Using my exact recipe, each slice has approximately 160 calories, but there will be slight variations if different ingredients are used, such as sugar instead of sukrin (and if mix ins and toppings are added).

Let me know how this goes for you. You can always drop me a message on my Instagram at balancednotclean.

I’m going to try making this as a small-serving recipe in a mini loaf tin and also as a topper for a brookie/blookie (cookie bottom layer and brownie or blondie top layer) in future.

Enjoy!

[balancednotclean-blog]

Year 13 Leavers’ Prom (2017)

These are some of the photos taken of my friends and I at my prom in June.

I’ve now officially got my A Level Results and I know I’m on my way to Loughborough University to study Sport and Exercise Science from the end of September this year.

I’m extremely excited for a new chapter in my life. This is the next stage in me obtaining the qualifications I require to be the best personal trainer, coach and supporter of those with health issues. My ambition is to have some kind of academy and retreat where I can help people understand the what, how and why behind their individual balance.

I promise to keep working hard so I can achieve this dream - and my blog is going to continue along the way too.

[balancednotclean-blog]

White Chocolate Chunk Cookies (Gluten Free)

This recipe has been requested following my posting of the banana and white chocolate cookie pie I uploaded on my Instagram:

Originally, the basic recipe for cookies was for my cookbook I devised for my EPQ. I’m going to release it here now, though, as I need to update my cookbook for an updated re-release in future.

So, without further ado... cookies!

Ingredients

110g salted butter

210g Demerera sugar (brown, with large sugar crystals)

1 large egg

salt

225g plain gluten free flour (I use Dove’s Farm)

150g chocolate (chips, chunks, or a chocolate bar hit with a rolling pin so it goes into shards - my personal favourite method!)*

*other mix ins that you like (dried fruit, smarties, m&m’s,etc) are perfectly appropriate too!

Method

1) Pre-heat the oven to Gas Mark 6 (200C) if you’re cooking the cookies today (I’ll give you instructions on how to save the dough later on!).

2) Melt the butter in the microwave in a large, microwave-safe bowl. I advise covering the bowl in kitchen paper or cling film so the butter doesn’t spit everywhere! To prevent the butter burning, microwave in 30 second bursts, stirring in-between (if appropriate).

3) Add all of the sugar straight into the bowl, and mix it thoroughly with the melted butter.

4) Crack an egg into the large bowl, making sure not to get any shell into the batter.

5) Mix the egg into the batter until it is fully incorporated.

6) Add two to three dashes of salt (or one large pinch) to the batter, and mix.

7) In increments of 50g, add the flour to the bowl. Fold all of the flour in until fully incorporated before adding any extra flour.

8) Pour in the chocolate chips/chunks (or any other additions) and fold into the batter.

To save the dough for later, get a large piece of cling film (saran wrap) and place all of the dough into the centre of it. Use the cling film to roll a cylinder you can freeze (the width of the cylinder should be the width you want cookies). You can then chop cookies from the frozen cylinder and bake them straight from frozen another time.

If you want to make a cookie pie, press all of the dough into a bottom of a pie dish. I don’t know the exact size of my pyrex pie dish, - but having a thick, cookie base (2 inches or so) is really good. If you’re making a giant cookie like this, I wouldn’t advise cooking on Gas Mark 6 (I’d cook at Gas 5 instead).

9) To bake the cookies straightaway, follow these next instructions!

10) Get 3 baking trays covered in baking paper or silicone baking sheets.

11) Place 5 evenly sized batter blobs in a diagonal pattern (so there is space for the cookies to spread without becoming square) on each tray.

12) One batch at a time (keep the others in the fridge for the meantime), bake the cookies for 8-10 minutes on the top shelf. The cookies firm up considerably when they’re cool, but they should look slightly golden at the edges by the 8 minute mark.

If you’re cooking 3 batches at once, you could try cooking the other two batches for slightly longer than the first so you discover what your ideal texture is once they’re cool.

As a rule of thumb, though - the bigger the cookie, the longer it will take to cook!

13) Seriously, let them cool down properly.

14) Transfer onto a wire rack.

15) Enjoy!

16) Freeze leftover cookies (if there are any... this stuff is dangerous).

I’ve made this recipe so, so much that it’s almost worthy of a trademark. My brother requests them often (he’s coeliac so can’t have gluten), and my stomach requests them even more (even though I’m perfectly fine with gluten!). Absolutely love ‘em. 100% taking a batch with me to university on Move In Day!

[balancednotclean-blog]

Almond Butter Oat Bran Biscuits

Nut butter is a typical staple of fitness fanatics - but have you tried baking with it?

Acting as a higher protein alternative to other fat sources, it’s a great way of adding depth of flavour to recipes. You just have to be careful with moisture levels when substituting fats for nut butter, as otherwise the recipe can turn out too dry.

Some nut butters are also runnier than others, so try not to be disheartened if a recipe you’re coming up with doesn’t turn out as intended on the first try. When I first started making recipes, many of them did not turn out as expected. However, this experimentation meant that I learned how many ingredients react with each other in protein baking.

This recipe resulted from my some of my latest experiments. Almond butter oat bran biscuits that are vegan (although you can use dairy-based cream cheese too to make this). Think Hobnobs, with a nutty crunch and a crispy element (yet soft centre) from using oat bran. This recipe is also easy to double, halve (or even quarter) if you want to change the size of the batch you’re making.

Ingredients

150g almond butter

90g vegan soft cheese (cream cheese alternative)*

90g oat bran

30g sugar replacement (a 1:1 replacement: you can use sugar if you like. I use Sukrin Gold)

*if you want your cookies to be slighty softer rather than crispy, add 20g more of the soft cheese (or free from equivalent). You can also swap oat bran for oats for a softer biscuit.

You can substitute almond butter for another nut butter of your choice!

Method:

Mix together all of the ingredients into a thick dough.

Roll the dough into 10-12 balls.

Flatten the balls to biscuits about ½ to ¾ inch thick on a baking tray covered in baking paper (or a silicone baking sheet).

Shape the edges of the biscuits so they are smooth circles.

Bake at Gas Mark 5 (180C) for 15 minutes.

Leave to cool on the tray.

You can refrigerate leftover biscuits for a week or freeze these for a couple of months.

Nutrition (per 1 biscuit out of 11)

Calories: 140

Carbs: 32.2g (+2.5g)

Protein: 4.6g

Fat: 10.8g

Almond butter can be purchased from The Protein Works.

Sukrin sugar replacement can be purchased from MuscleFood UK. The code BNCBONUS gets you £5 off any order there.

[balancednotclean-blog]

Energy Boost Protein Cookies

I do seem to have a lot of crazy moments where I wonder “should I microwave this?” - and, admittedly, it usually doesn‘t work.

But when these beauties - soft, crumbly, yet with a slight crunch - revealed themselves from the MicroCave, I was rather pleased. Especially as the portions are easy to control, too (you can just make one if you’re prone to demolishing a whole batch of goodies like me).

It’s another one I uploaded to The Protein Works’ Locker Room. This one does use a bit of an obscure blend in it, to be honest (it uses a protein bircher muesli mix) - but if you mixed up a blend of 60% oats, 10% coffee (maybe use a Nescafe sachet or something), 20% “mix-ins” (dried fruit and seeds) and 20% protein powder (I recommend a vegan blend, as plant proteins tend to bake best), you may get a similar result.

I do recommend their bircher muesli mix, though - it’s pretty convenient for busy mornings. And if you don’t like coffee, you can try another flavour.

Here’s a link to the recipe.

[balancednotclean-blog]

Vegan Protein Dessert Pizza Recipe

I was extremely proud of this recipe when I came up with it!

Using vegan protein powder and yogurt also works well texturally and to make this recipe inclusive to those with vegan diets. If you use gluten free oats, you can also make this recipe suitable for those with gluten free diets. Truly - it's a recipe I'm very proud of, and it was well worth the time it took to experiment with it to make it perfect.

I’ve really enjoyed experimenting with more vegan recipes of late, and this is no different.

You can check out the recipe here at The Protein Works’ Locker Room.

[balancednotclean-blog]

Chocolate Nut Butter Bites Recipe

One of my favourite things from Hotel Chocolat is their ‘selection’ packs of 6-8 different chocolates. It’s not always the best idea for me to scoff a whole packet of those, though (both in terms of finance and health!), so I set about creating a recipe for some truffle-esque nut butter bites I could make at home.

You can find the ingredients and recipe for these at The Protein Works’ Locker Room!

[balancednotclean-blog]

Defining Who I Am

I came across a technique to find out what’s most important to you and who you are in the unlikeliest of places - the YouTube comments section. I actually feel ashamed in that I didn’t write down the name of the individual who shared this idea, but nonetheless - I shall discuss it anyway. Just give me no credit for it, because its conceptualisation was not from my mind, even if this application clearly links to my thoughts.

The concept itself focusses on creating a timeline of memories, beginning from when you were first aware of your existence. You should then analyse these memories to distinguish the reasons why they are so significant to you. The reason why then links to who you are as a person. Other memories which would have stuck in somebody else’s mind prominently may not have stuck in mine, and vice versa.

To make this really effective (rather than trying to dredge up every memory I’ve ever had), I’m going to use the first five memories I can think of, in whatever order I like.

In my blogging dashboard, I’m going to write down these five memories as headers first, and then flesh them out. However, you’ll read it as five distinct sections. Thank you for reading, by the way!

1. Being Thrown Against a Metal Fence

I was quite surprised that this was the first memory that popped into my head.

It actually relates to my second primary school. I was in Year Three - we had just moved up to Lincolnshire from Cambridgeshire in the summer, so I started my first day that September at a new primary school.

I remember I settled in fairly well, except for one person - let’s call her Hayley for anonymity (I’ve never known a Hayley in my life). 

In this particular instance, I happened to be out in the playground. It was one of my first days at this new school, so I hadn’t quite integrated into a group of friends just yet, although a few friendly smiles had been passed around, and I was already settling into the work fairly easily (it was primary school stuff, after all!).

This school wasn’t very large. I’d say there was about 70 pupils IN TOTAL - not just in one class. 70 pupils, from Reception right up to Year 6. It was a tiny school, and in many ways I think that’s what made the bullying more of a shock. Although it would be feasible that there’d be fewer people with similar interests, I thought there’d also be fewer people who would be inclined to bully! Guess I was wrong there - because one person in particular took a real dislike to me.

So much so, that I remember strongly how she grabbed me and threw me against some solid, metal railings several times the very first time she met me. Over and over. I can feel the rattling of my body against the cold steel now. My skeleton jolted with every lunge.

I can’t actually remember quite how it stopped. I remember that a few people were just sort of watching - not directly, as such, but in the corner of their eyes as they played Stuck in the Mud - but none of them intervened. I had a feeling that Hayley may have lashed out at them at some stage, but I have no proof of that. Still, that particular episode did end, and in lessons and suchlike I was very happy.

Her behaviour as a whole remained hostile and unapproachable, however. But one thing I’ll forever remain proud of is how when I went home, I explained exactly what was happening to my parents, and I wrote the school council a letter. I wrote it on a piece of bright yellow paper with a blue crayon, and essentially described (in Year 3, 7 and a half year old language) how this behaviour was unacceptable, and I wanted it to stop. 

It did stop, and actually, my classmates started to reject her. They completely turned their back on her, and were quite mean to her for our remaining three years at that school. Unhappy events still occurred at that school (that I have discussed briefly in previous blog posts, particularly to do with the eve of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and food problems), but not because of her. I’m actually filled with guilt now when I think back to that, as I didn’t stand in to stop them turning on her like they did. I know she was cruel to me, and that perhaps in some way I should feel like justice was delivered, but I do not. I almost feel like I made her life worse than she ever made mine, simply because I became friends with everybody else, and we all excluded her.

Why does this stick in my mind?

The physical pain of it has to be why it sprung to mind at first, but equally the regret now leaves an emotional scar. I’ll never forget that look on Hayley’s face when I was standing at a bus stop in Year 8, and I saw her bus drive past. She was looking out of the window with one of the most sorrowful expressions I’ve ever seen in a human being.

How does it relate to who I am today?

In terms of bullying as a whole, I am wholly against it. I seek to comfort people and treat people well, because I know what it feels like to be an outcast. That goes for some of my experiences at secondary school as well, not just at primary school. I try my best to be a good person, especially since I have reflected upon how I perhaps could have done better in terms of reconciling with Hayley (rather than leading to her being shunned).

How does it relate to who I want to be?

I want to make sure that I have thought through my actions so that I do not just think of myself, but think of others too. I want to help others build their self confidence, regardless of if they were the bully, or the person that was bullied.

2. Swimming As a Baby

I don’t think this is an organic memory, because I see myself floating in third person. Clearly, if this were an organic memory, I’d be seeing it through my own eyeballs. It is therefore likely that I have constructed this through what I’ve been told by family.

My mother is there, and I’m floating with those armband thingimabobs doughnutted around my flobbiling baby limbs (do you like my word inventions?). II have a big smile on my face, and a mop of curly black hair splatted on my head (it is wet, after all).

That’s the extent of that particular memory, however it does link to my later meanderings into swimming as a child. Although I had to stop due to my health, I was actually a very successful swimmer for my age and had a lot of talent (not tooting my own horn or anything here, by the way ;-)).

Why does this stick in my mind?

I suppose I see this as the first real example of where sport and activity was integrated into my (family) life from a very young age.

How does it relate to who I am today?

I love being active, and whenever my health has prevented me from being active, I have been deeply upset. I now weight train regularly, both as a mental release and as a way of staying strong despite my diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

How does it relate to who I want to be?

If I ever have any family of my own, I want to guide them to be active from a young age. Professionally, I see myself having activity as a keystone of my career - with my first goal being getting qualified as a personal trainer. As for myself personally, I want to remain as active as I can for as long as I can in relation to my health.

3. Asking For Help to Learn How to Bench Press

A lifting-related memory was also one that immediately sprung to mind today. When I first started weight training, just after my sixteenth birthday, I had no clue how to bench press.

I swaggered (read: meekly shuffled) into the gym, and plucked up the courage to ask a personal trainer how exactly you are supposed to bench press.

This particular personal trainer was extremely kind - she spent more time than she had to showing me exactly what to do. I remember this was before this gym had been renovated, and they had odd-numbered weights - my barbell was 17kg, and that’s what I started bench pressing with before I moved up to the proper bench press station.

Why does this stick in my mind?

My upper body has always been weak, and recently I’ve been improving considerably in my upper body strength. It’s crazy to think how shy I used to be in the gym, when now I’m probably obnoxiously loud at times!

How does this relate to who I am today?

Bench pressing is now actually my favourite exercise in the gym, despite my love for squats, deadlifts and hip thrusts too. It has to be because it felt like the underdog exercise to me. I love it with dumbbells too - not just a barbell.

How does this relate to who I want to be?

I clearly want to keep getting stronger and stronger, both mentally and physically. I remember people telling me that girls ‘don’t get strong upper bodies’, and I wanted to prove them wrong. I want to keep proving them wrong, and I want to keep pushing myself to limits I wouldn’t have ever imagined would be real for me.

4. Admitting My Anorexia

We’re jumping around ages here somewhat, but that’s fine. Back to… fourteen, I think this is? Maybe thirteen. I truly can’t remember the when as much as I can the what. I wouldn’t be surprised if my anorexia damaged my memory capacity at this time somewhat.

Anyway, this was my first hospital appointment regarding my eating disorder. I think I’d been dragged to the doctors’ (after initially being confronted by my parents and being made to ‘confess’), and they almost immediately set up an appointment for me at Grimsby Hospital to speak to some specialists.

I was still at that stage then when I didn’t really believe that I had anorexia, and I wasn’t sure what the fuss was all about. I was hell bent on continuing the way I had, until eventually I died.

Except - at this hospital appointment, I think I must’ve had an angel of a doctor leading the consultation. I think she was a junior doctor, and I also have an inkling that perhaps she had shared similar troubles when she was fourteen. She kept it simple for me - kind and simple. Rather than making me utter the words ‘anorexia’, ‘anorexic’, ‘starve’, or any other related food - she structured her sentences carefully so that I would only have to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

Even though these hidden utterances of ‘yes’ or ‘no’ still felt incredibly scary to say, they were masked enough to enable me to admit I had a problem. I could reply factually - yes - without having to acknowledge the diagnosis itself.

Why does this stick in my mind?

I think this appointment was the real turning point in my treatment and recovery from anorexia. I think she gave me just enough of a confidence boost to head forward with recovery.

How does this relate to who I am today?

Clearly, I’m not dead - I was able to adhere to my recovery from anorexia. And although I still have real, serious problems with an eating disorder and my mental health now, I am still firmly on the path of recovery. I also see her actions as an example of how people with mental health issues should be treated - with kindness, courtesy and a solid foundation of support.

How does this relate to who I want to be?

I want to be in a position where I can support others and help them reach a ‘turning point’ in their mental health journeys, so that they too can walk the road of recovery. Clichéd or otherwise, this would fulfil me more than anything.

5. When He Left Without Saying Goodbye

The final memory I have to share is another one from primary school - but this is one from Cambridgeshire, at my first primary. I will use a real name now, because I have no idea what his surname is, so if anybody else actually does know his surname, I’d be happy to get in touch and say hello again.

Anyway. I once had a best friend called Benjamin, and we were pretty much inseparable (at least at school). I view my time in Cambridgeshire with a huge amount of nostalgia, for this was the time that I was swimming, dancing, playing tennis and playing around at school with much joy and freedom.

I’d go to those awesome parties with Pass The Parcel, I’d play on trampolines and I’d build the best things with Duplo or Lego or a bunch of sticks and clay and mud. I’d climb over things (although I was never able to crack monkey bars) and otherwise treat life with that childish glee that I was lucky to have in a mostly peaceful and developed country.

However, my best friend Benjamin was to move away to America. I moved away myself at the end of Year 2, but Benjamin left at the start of Year 2. As a class, we made him a book of memories and I was the one that got to present it to him. I bloody bawled my eyes out, but at lunchtime we played together as normal and things seemed to be fine for a while.

But, at the end of the day, when I rushed to the gates to say goodbye to him, he had already left. I don’t think I’d taken too long at the cloakroom to grab my bag and coat, but he had already gone. Not on the playground, nor the field, nor under the chestnut trees, or on the winding path leading out of the school grounds. This was yet another small school - about 150 pupils in total here - so there weren’t many places he could be… but he had already gone.

I had already said goodbye, but I wanted to say goodbye again. I wanted to give him a hug. I wanted to keep in touch with him somehow. But he was gone - and in some childish sense, I felt like I had been abandoned - even though it was never really his choice to move anyway.

Why does this stick in my mind?

The beautiful nostalgia of a time I would really consider childhood, without mental or physical health difficulties, and the memory of my first best friend will always stick with me. 

How does this relate to who I am today?

It’s only very recently, at eighteen years old - rather than five or six - that I‘ve started to build close friendships again. But nothing has ever felt as close as my friendship to Benjamin, even though I’m now older and can have more meaningful conversations and suchlike as a young adult.

How does this relate to who I want to be?

I try and be real in my friendships, and let my friends know what I truly think. I don’t hide away from conflict and instead seek practical resolutions to things, because I don’t want there to be a time where we may get caught on a bad feeling without being able to move forward if circumstances separate us.

That’s the good kind of retrospection. I think recently I’ve been too retrospective in the sense of degrading my every choice and questioning why I didn’t act differently - but that felt more like I was simply wondering both who and how I am today.

So, to conclude - I’m going to finish off on five points (in no particular order) that sum up who I am now, and five characteristics or goals I want for the future.

Today

Loyal to those I value

Energetic at heart, but easily distracted

Empathetic to others’ situations…

… but I still choose to be selfish at the wrong times

Determined (and at times, stubborn!)

The Future

An empathetic expert in my field

Stronger; physically and mentally

Focussed and driven

Disciplined

Prepared to take a risk

Overall, although this took some time, I think this was a very empowering use of my time. Give it a go!

[balancednotclean-blog]

A Short Ramble 8/7/2017

Not much to say today, but I have a pretty important message I’m trying to bring home to myself – the fact that doing things matters, and that I can engage, even in the smallest of ways.

I was not going to bother to write anything tonight. Yesterday, I was musing about posting every day for as long as possible’ kind of notion, and part of myself was tempted to just let today slide. Like I’ve let every day slide, and every idea slide, for a painfully long time.

One thing I am focussing on especially is trying to drag myself out of a ‘victim’ mindset. I have been playing the victim. To circumstance, to illness, to whatever. ‘The Universe’? Sure. Superstition? Why not. God? Maybe. Quite a stark parallel of approach compared to my stoic adherence to logic and reason as a means of recovery in the past.

I’m altering in my approaches to life as I grow older, as we all do. I am trying to hesitate to attribute blame to anything, now, though. Even the past. Even actions I did and came to regret. I seemingly haven’t been learning from this constant ‘mulling-over’ and picking apart of events thus far, so perhaps the only lesson I really need to take away from this is that the ‘blame game’ is null and void.

[balancednotclean-blog]

Personal Update 7/7/2017

I’m currently sitting in the lobby of David Lloyd, which is where I go to the gym. It’s a really nice environment, actually. The door is open behind me, so I’m getting a gentle breeze fluttering between my limbs and over this keyboard. Perhaps rather sillily, I’ve located myself right next to the children’s corner of the room. It’s a very open plan environment for the most part, and half-walls separate tables and chairs from the kiddy domain. A man just lurked near the door behind me, and I may have rolled eyes somewhat reflexively. I don’t really know why – I’m just easily irritated nowadays.

I feel somewhat like I ‘came out’ yesterday. I had a ramble on my Instagram Story about being diagnosed with depression. It happened in May (it’s July now, isn’t it?) and it’s taken me that long to really process what was said to me. “You have moderate depression and anxiety,” the co-ordinator told me.

There’s this new service called Steps2Change in Lincolnshire (my county) which is for self-referrals for mental health treatment here. As someone who has felt increasingly unable to talk ‘face to face’ about my issues, after some coaxing, this felt like a good step. It took over a month to get my consultation, but given the state of waiting lists right now, that was still quite good.

A small child just closed a toy microwave five times in a row. He just giggled at Mr Tumble on Cbeebies. Adults are chuckling at him.

I didn’t feel quite like I conveyed my feelings very well in my consultation, but the labels were brandished upon me all the same.

The family have left the childrens’ area. I’m left with the breeze from the open door all to myself.

I remember feeling somewhat optimistic, but also baffled, when I was given that diagnosis.

A woman just rambled at me about not being able to walk in her high wedges. She abandons them by the open door and runs off to retrieve something. I wish these people wouldn’t keep looking at my computer screen.

They didn’t just leave me with a diagnosis, however. I was told I would receive CBT – and that I’d get extra, longer sessions than their standard level of treatment. If I remember correctly, this meant I was eligible for 12 one hour sessions.

No-wedge lady is back. Shoes back on. She’s back out the door.

Feeling somewhat hopeful that I might be getting somewhere in terms of a treatment plan, I cautiously asked when it would start.

The dreaded phrase of ‘waiting list’ inevitably cropped up. I wasn’t given any indication of when I would actually have a session – and I haven’t had any further contact or letters since my consultation in May. As I’m on the list for ‘longer treatment periods and sessions’, I have a horrible feeling that it’s going to be some considerable time before I actually get there.

I’ve been trying to remain upbeat, and trying to confront my feelings myself. I don’t want to feel like a victim, and I don’t want to feel like some therapist or drug is going to swoop down and save me. Yet, despite efforts to try and eat healthier, to try and ‘listen to my mind’ and to try and do all of the things people tell me to do in order to ‘feel like myself again’, I am getting nowhere.

I feel so incredibly stuck up my own arse to be lamenting my mental state on my blog like this, but I don’t know what else I am supposed to do at this stage. I’m actually pretty impressed that I’ve just sat down to do this, as I’ve otherwise been avoiding really engaging with my blog or what’s happened regarding my mental health of late.

The worst feeling has to be the utter numbness and lack of motivation. Not contentedness to ‘do nothing’, but truly feeling nothing at doing nothing and feeling no urge to do anything other than do nothing. And – when I do get away for a while – whether it is into my blog, or into the gym – it’s a temporary escape.

I’ve been crying on the toilet because I just feel despairing. In bed. Looking at the garden. In the car. I’ve been wondering how I’ll cope at all at university. I’ve been contemplating whether I should just not go to university at all. Whether I should delete my Instagram, delete my blog, and just give up on myself entirely.

High wedge lady has just returned inside with a coffee and a man around her arm.

I sound so ridiculous. So stuck in my own head and so stuck in my own wallowing, but really – that’s what it feels like. It feels like someone’s got superglue in my brain and my eyesight is somehow fixed inwards in a way that means I can’t process things in the outside world properly or have a healthy perspective of my own mind. The glue is seeping into different parts of my brain and my psyche and my life and just making walking and breathing a laborious, mentally draining task.

Physically, it feels like there’s a weight pulling down inside my head. Like there’s gravitational pull trying to suck my brain from its position to somewhere a little bit lower – just behind my nose. Simultaneously, my eyelids are drooping, my legs feel like lead (queen of the cliché right here) and lethargy and pointlessness are the overruling feeling.

I would quite often try and come up for reasons as to why I felt a certain way, so that I could come to conclusions and solutions as to how I could tackle my feelings. I don’t even do that anymore – and not so much because I feel it had reached self-defeating heights, but more because the cogs in my brain have lost their oil and are screeching to a halt.

“It’s just exam stress, Ashleigh!” Maybe it is. Exams are over now – and I know I don’t have the results yet – but honestly, at this stage, I couldn’t care less about my results. And that makes me feel disappointed. The fire that kept me going throughout my recovery from anorexia in Year 10 and 11 was that of education. It was the determination to always improve myself, always grow and always develop. I’m more of a soggy firepit now - drowning because it had a bucket of muggy water sloshed over it.

Lifting still makes me feel good, but actually lifting myself out of bed has become somewhat of a challenge. I’m more argumentative, more irritable, more out-of-touch with my food habits and sleep and friendships than ever. I’ve been ignoring deadlines and commitments, and I’ve been getting anxious at the slightest thing. I don’t even like making phone calls anymore, and just the thought of public speaking makes me sweat. At the same time, I painfully regret having shot many opportunities in the foot because of how I’ve been feeling.

I don’t know where Ashleigh has gone, and I don’t like not knowing what to do. Life feels uncontrollable at the moment, but at the same time, I have no energy to try and exert control. I feel like the perfectionist who has given up trying to achieve perfection, but who has not stopped demanding it.

[balancednotclean-blog]

The Importance of Perspective When Changing Habits

Binge eating is a habit I have formed that I am in the process of breaking.

It is something I tend to fall back on after certain thought patterns start to set in motion without me disrupting them. I am a true believer in that actions are preceded by thoughts, so there is an intermediary step – processing of said thoughts – that offers itself as a window of opportunity to intercept ourselves before unhelpful behaviours are set in motion.

However, one thing I have noticed over the past YEAR of trying to break this habit is that my perspective ultimately shapes the time that window of opportunity is present. Sometimes, I have hopped, skipped and jumped from thoughts to actions so quickly that I fool myself into thinking that binge eating is ‘inevitable’, when in fact, the process was just hurried, rushed and coming from an unhelpful perspective.

This perspective, unsurprisingly enough, tends to be a negative one. For example, this morning, I had convinced myself that I had ‘utterly failed’ yesterday because I had eaten more than I had planned. I began scheming ways to ‘make up’ for this perceived failure. Guess what? I ended up binging far worse than anything that had occurred yesterday or would have occurred had I just gotten over it.

I had convinced myself that I had completely turned 180 degrees and started walking right back to the ‘start’ (wherever that point may have truly been), and erased progress. This is characteristic of the absolutist thinking (seeing things as black and white rather than shades of grey) that can plague a disordered mind. 

It would have been a far more positive, and far more realistic, perspective to observe how I had instead been wandering slightly off course, and then promptly resume my conquest towards healthier habits. Yersterday’s behaviours did not send me backwards, even though they were not directly aimed at where I want to be. Ultimately, though, I only go backwards and ‘erase’ my progress if I “pack up and go home,” – that is, if I decide to give up.

So what’s this got to do with behaviour change in the longer term? Well, by getting myself in that negative mindset – thinking that I had gone backwards, and thus had ‘distance to make up’, I became desperate. There is a clear distinction between desperation and determination in that desperation is like trying to sprint the whole of a marathon, whereas determination realises the need for consistent pacing to prevent burnout.

I binged again because I tried to make up for the past. Now, unless Doctor Who is real and I can hop in a Tardis and alter my timeline, I can’t ever go back and erase what I’ve already done. That is one of the biggest, cruellest lies that an eating disorder can bring upon you – the promise that you can “make up,” for the past by controlling the present.

We cannot. We never can. No matter how many times our mind tries to promise us that this time we will be able to fix it – we never will be able to change the past.

By obsessing over trying to remove the past, we are undermining the responsibility we need to take for the events that unfolded to begin with. We also undermine our sense of empowerment, as we see every mistake as ‘recoverable’ or ‘compensable’ in some way.

This keeps us in a disordered cycle. We do a disordered thing. We try to make up for said disordered thing. The consequences or mental toll of trying to make up for the disordered action leads us to performing it again. And again. And again. With this, our self-esteem plummets, our health plummets, our hope plummets and our sense of self efficacy plummets. As a result? We become more and more engrained and more and more reliant upon this sense of identity that an eating disorder seems to promise us. Every time we see a ‘slip’ as a complete reversal of our recovery efforts as a failure, the eating disorder gets one step closer to regaining full control.

This does not mean that we have nothing to learn from the past. It would be entirely wrong to suggest that the past is of no use. Crucially, though, we must realise that the past can only serve us as a means for how to change our behaviour in the present and future – and not that it offers a flawed attempt of reconciling past behaviours by obsessing in the present.

Fighting fire with fire – in this case, fighting disorder with coping mechanisms or yet more disorder – perpetuates a vicious circle.

Even if you are not quite ready to ‘forgive’ or even ‘forget’ and ‘love yourself’ like is preached so much on every single wellness blog known to man, realise this: The past is gone. It is gone. It cannot be changed. There may be uncomfortable consequences from the past that affect your present life, but keeping our perspective as one staring backwards means we lose all foresight and intuition for the present.

A realistic perspective widens that window of opportunity to intercept thoughts that precede disordered actions. A realistic perspective slows the process down and encourages us to think, challenge the thoughts, and then decide a means of action.

Solely past-focussed perspectives won’t make now better. Mistakes were made in the past, with that past mindset. Sticking our minds back in that frame of mind and action is therefore going to increase the likelihood of the action happening again.

Regret is a powerful emotion. It can make us want to dig deep and claw at something to create change to release it. Really, though, the best way is to work towards what we can change – the future. Bit by bit. Because even if that future contains things we regret, the healthiest thing we can do is work towards a state where those events are minimised.

Breathe in slowly through your nose for five seconds. Hold it for a further five seconds. Release the breath from your mouth over five seconds, and hold that no-breath state for another five seconds. Repeat this three times.

Think of one thing you can do for a healthier tomorrow, regardless of past actions or even your present state. Something simple, like drinking more water, or getting to bed slightly earlier.

I know how hard it is. I haven’t beaten binging yet. But I know that the days where I focus on propelling myself forward are the ones that lead me towards the best success. And the days and moments AFTER I slip up are the most crucial in terms of getting myself oriented back to my intended path.

I wish you peace of mind. Go on!