#my dad told me he filled it out online. and I have cramps right now. so I went to go get some ibuprofen and apparently he FUCKING LIED

[falst]

I am going to kill my dad

[whisperlullaby]

Ukulele

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (Music shop AU)

Warnings: Talk of death (no major characters or spoilers), fluff. That’s it. Fluffy flirty Bucky because it’s what we deserve.

Word Count: 1449

Summary: You need to get a ukulele for your niece’s birthday and head right into Bucky’s music shop

A/N: 2 oneshots in one week?! Who am I? Special thanks to @river-soul​ for always amping me up and reading my stories. Forever grateful for you! If I missed any warnings let me know.

Tags: @syntheticavenger​ @quxxnxfhxll​ @immatr3x​

This was your last resort. You had to find a ukulele for your niece that wasn’t over your budget. It was astounding to you how expensive this tiny instrument was online. People were probably upselling it. You were fortunate that your friend pointed you in the direction of a local music shop that carried various instruments, records, and supplies. You don't know why you didn't think about it in the first place.

You saw the neon open sign and ran into the shop out of the pouring rain. You planned on staying for a bit until the rain let up and as you were shaking off the cool droplets you heard a low gravelly voice behind you, “Good morning, is there anything I can help you find today?”

You turned around and were met with the most handsome man you had ever seen. His clear blue eyes had you wishing the rain clouds would go away so you could compare them to the sky. He was wearing a tight white shirt, black jeans, and a black leather jacket. His hair was pushed back into a bun and you could just imagine running your fingers through his long hair.

You shook off your shock like the rain and cleared your suddenly dry throat, “I’m just browsing for now, but thank you.” Hoping that your non-committal answer would allow him to let you stay in the shop long enough for the rain to stop.

“No problem, I'm Bucky if you have any questions I’ll be right over here.” He went back behind the counter and started strumming a guitar. The melody was so soothing you almost forgot why you had come to the store in the first place.

“Hey what are you playing?” You wondered from across the empty store.

“Just a song I’m working on. If it’s bothering you I can stop for a bit. I shouldn’t be playing music during business hours anyway but the owner lets me get away with it.” He threw you a sly smirk.

You let out a breathy laugh, “No you don't have to stop, it sounds really beautiful. The owner sounds like a pretty great guy letting you practice during business hours. Is he around often? Or does he stay home on rainy days.”  

Bucky smiled at you, “I was making a joke dove, apparently a pretty bad one. I’m actually the owner.”

You slapped your forehead and flushed red. You were an idiot, your friend told you the owner Bucky was really helpful. Which is why she had suggested it in the first place. 

“Oh my god I’m an idiot I knew you were the owner. I’m so sorry, my name is Y/N” You sighed, “actually if you could help me I am looking for a ukulele for my niece. It’s her birthday tomorrow and everything I found online was either too expensive or too cheap.”

Bucky set down his guitar, “Follow me. We don’t get a lot of ukulele requests so I keep that stock in the back.” You moved to follow Bucky to the back stockroom. 

As you entered the back room Bucky held out his hand. “It’s a bit tight back here so you’ll have to follow close. I would hate for you to trip over something and get hurt.”

You grabbed Bucky’s hand as he led you through the cramped stockroom with ease. You could feel yourself getting heated the longer you held his hand and prayed to every single deity you could think of that he did not notice your palm begin to sweat. 

“So how old is your niece going to be?” Bucky stopped at a section of shelving that contained several different boxes.

“She’s going to be 12. After her dad died last year and all she wanted to do was play music. She says it makes her feel like he’s still around. He was a high school band teacher and loved his string instruments. It’s been really hard on her and my sister is doing her best to make sure she honors his memory.” You paused and looked at Bucky. He was staring at you with such sorrow. “Oh my gosh I am so sorry I just completely overshared didn’t I? I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

Bucky let out a long sigh looking down. “Don’t worry about it Y/N. It’s kind of a similar reason why I got into music. Why I opened this shop. Growing up my house was always filled with different music, every morning my mom would put on a record and then play along on her piano. All different types of music too.” Bucky paused and looked back at you “When she passed away 5 years ago it was like all music just lost it’s meaning. It took about a year before I picked up a guitar again and I still have a hard time looking at a piano, but when I did I remembered that music is what made me feel the happiest. I feel my ma around me when I’m strumming along to a song. I opened up this music shop to honor her too.”

Bucky shrugged off the jacket he was wearing and showed you the sleeve of tattoos running up his left arm. Black and white piano keys surrounded by blue, purple, orange, and red music notes and frets. 

“I got this to remind myself that music is a part of who I am.” You reached out to touch the inked skin and traced the piano keys up his bicep. It was so beautiful you hadn’t realized how close you had gotten to him until you looked up and his face completely filled your vision.

You cleared your throat and stepped back only to collide with another shelf causing Bucky to cage you into the shelf while boxes of guitar strings fell to the ground around you.

 “I am so sorry I am such a clutz.” You were whispering having lost your voice at the proximity of Bucky once again. 

“It’s okay dove, are you hurt? Nothing hit you right?” Bucky was concerned, his hands rested on your hips as he looked you over. You were sure he could hear your heart drumming in your chest. The rain outside was beating on the roof in perfect harmony, and the soft sounds of the air conditioner seemed to play on key. A beautiful symphony.

 After he was content you weren’t hurt, his eyes met yours before briefly looking at your lips. Your tongue darted out to swipe your bottom lip unconsciously. Bucky’s hands tightened at your waist as he leaned in and met your mouth with his. The kiss was soft and tender. When he pulled away, Bucky smiled and let go of your hips.

 “We should probably get you that ukulele.” He shrugged back on his jacket and pulled down a box. He opened it to show you the beautiful teal ukulele with orange and yellow painted flowers.

“Bucky this is perfect! How much?” Bucky ignored your question and started leading you from the stockroom back to the front of the store. He led you through the door with a hand at the small of your back all the way to the cash register.

“Let’s see, so normally this ukulele runs around $250.” Your face dropped, that was way too expensive for you, but Bucky continued. “But when you apply the birthday discount, the amazing kisser discount, and the going on a date with the owner discount. It comes out to $75.” Bucky smiled devilishly at you.

You crossed your arms and threw him a coy smile. “Going on a date with the owner you say? I don’t remember that conversation happening.” 

You tapped your forefinger on your chin like a metronome. “Even still don’t you think that’s a pretty steep discount? You’ll be losing money.”

“Well, maybe you’re right, but I am the owner so I guess I can sell the merchandise how I see fit. We could talk about it over dinner tonight?” Bucky mused.

You took your bottom lip in between your teeth thinking about his request.

 “Well lucky for you the only thing I had planned for today was getting my niece the perfect birthday present.” You reached into your bag for the cash to pay for the gift and a business card with your personal number on it. “Text me with the details and I’ll meet you there.” 

Bucky handed you the box and took your business card. As you left his shop, the pouring rain now a light drizzle, he picked up his guitar and started strumming the beginning of a new song he hoped you would like.

[datninjalyfe]

Stay, Part 1: Chapter 15

Chapter 15: Hotter of the Two

“Damn, who pissed in your cocopuffs this morning?” Yoyo asked as Katsuki approached him.  

Yoyo had texted Katsuki in the middle of his fight with Todoroki since classes were cancelled.  The shopping date that was promised to Yoyo weeks ago had been pushed back so many times and Yoyo had sent the text that read: I swear to the almighty goddess of bitchiness herself, you don’t want to know the consequences if we have to postpone one more time….you better be on your way!

Katsuki left the fight with Todoroki.  Right after the fucking bastard had confessed his feelings.  Does Deku know?  Katsuki felt like he already knew the answer to that.  Izuku told him one month—but that month ended tomorrow.  

As Katsuki got closer to Yoyo, he could hear Yoyo counting something in his backpack very loudly. “One, two, three—fuck, I messed up. One, two, three, four—where’s the blue one?!”  He pulled out a small blue clutch and stuck it back into the sack, rummaging through his backpack once more.  “FUCKING ONE, FUCKING TWO—,”

“You said before that there was someone else who was gay.” Katsuki interrupted him.  “That there was another second year who was closeted.”

Yoyo stopped and looked over at him.  “Yeah, and?”

“It was Todoroki, wasn’t it?” For Katsuki, it wasn’t so much a question as it was a direct statement.  

Yoyo’s white hair tousled in the breeze.  Ignoring Katsuki’s question, he just said, “Fuck, you made me lose count.”  He was quiet as he just stared into his backpack. “You want to do this or not?”

Katsuki tapped his foot. “He just told me he loves Deku.”  No, Deku is mine!  His chest pumped heat through his arms, into his hands.  The pressure of the heat hurt his wrists to try and stop it, so he just let out a large blast.  “Fuck!”  he pointed his hands away from him and Yoyo, releasing the heat from his palm.  Yoyo was suddenly up and in his hand placed a tiny doll.  “What the fuck is that?!” Yoyo’s eyes flashed a purple color and Katsuki’s whole body went so cold, he shivered.  His quirk stopped and held the heat in his wrists.  “Ow, that’s really fucking hot, dammit!”  Yoyo’s eyes flashed again and the heat spilled out of his hands, igniting his sweat in smaller pops.  

“Sorry, I just didn’t want you to cause a scene.” Yoyo said, taking his doll back and closing his eyes.

“That—was your quirk?” Katsuki asked.  Yoyo nodded, biting his tongue and closing one eye.  

“I worked on that particular move for a year when I first got here.  Was a bitch to master, but once I got it, I got it, if you know what I’m saying.” Yoyo flicked his hair back before quietly saying, “Yeah, it was Shoto.  He told me there was someone he liked and then something about his father wouldn’t accept him.  I don’t know, it was just really heartbreaking that he remained in the closet. Which is why I’m so proud of you for coming out!”

“I didn’t though, I was outed, asshole, in case you needed reminding.  Were you two were a thing?”

He scoffed.  “Yeah, if you can even call it that much.  But it’s interesting that my old play toy likes your current play toy, no?”  He laughed, his white teeth shining against his dark skin.  Katsuki rolled his eyes.  “Oh, right, I forgot, you’re really his play toy!  Maybe we should elope!  Show ‘em what’s what!”

Katsuki chuckled.  “You’d like that too much.”

Yoyo zipped up his backpack and threw it over his shoulder, wrapping an arm around Katsuki’s shoulders. They started walking.  “It would be the best day of your life.”

—

That evening, the majority of the class hung out in the common room, all huddled around a TV, watching Kirishima play an online first-person shooter.  The room was filled with loud shouts of, “No, behind you!”  “Over there!”  “Throw the grenade!”  “Damn, yeah, get it, boyyyyyy!”  Katsuki had taken a picture with his phone and posted it, using the hashtag for the video game they were playing.  Izuku was the first to like it, which made Katsuki smile.  

“I got him!  I got him!” Kirishima yelled, frantically hitting buttons on the controller. He didn’t.  He was hit with a sniper from another area entirely.  Everyone sighed loudly and Kirishima passed the controller to Sero.  

“Right then, this is how a real man dominates!” Sero said, taking the controller, but then yelled out, “Who the fuck plays inverted?!”

“My Dad plays inverted.  It’s how I was raised!” Kirishima yelled back.  Katsuki intently watched the TV, looking between that and Izuku who sat on the other side of the couch, Iida sitting in between the two of them. Occasionally, the two would look at each other, Katsuki would give him a wink and Izuku would smile, his freckles getting darker from his face turning pink.  

“Bakugou, eyes forward!” Iida told him, catching him staring at Izuku.  

“My eyes were forward!” Katsuki yelled.  

“So.” Kirishima said, sitting down in between Katsuki and Iida, making the couch cramped.  “Since you’re gay, how hot am I exactly?”

“Yeah, Bakugou, who’s hotter, me or Kirishima?” Kaminari asked playfully.  

Katsuki looked over at Kirishima, pushing his head away.  “I’m not gay, assholes.  If you’re going to give me a label, you could at least get it right.  And neither of you, you losers are ugly as hell.” he responded.  

“I definitely think I’m hotter than you.” Kirishima said, pointing at his head.  “My hair is red.”

“Yeah because you dye it, dumbass.  Look at your hands, it looks like you killed someone!” Kaminari told him.  His hair had changed color a few nights ago, but didn’t use the gloves and his hands were covered in red hair dye that had just begun to fade.  Kaminari continued,  “Midoriya, who’s hotter, me or Kirishima?”

Izuku’s face turned bright red.  “Leave him out of this, assholes.  We don’t look at you that way.” Katsuki said, trying to get the attention off of Izuku.

“Yeah, Bakugou, you’re too much of a pussy to tell us who’s the hottest.” Mineta taunted him, his lisp making his perverted face that much worse.

“It sure as hell isn’t you, sticky balls.” Katsuki said, standing up and looking down at his three-foot-tall acquaintance. “You’re at the bottom of the list.”

“No way!” Mineta said.  “I’m at least 4 times hotter than Tokoyami!”

“Excuse me!” Tokoyami said, lifting his beak up to glare at Mineta from across the room.  Dark Shadow peered over his shoulder, also glaring at Mineta.  

“We’re really not doing this.” Izuku said.  “No one wants to be called ugly.”

“We are certainly not doing this!” Iida said, his hands waving like a fan.  

“They could at least tell us who’s the hottest out of us all.” Kaminari said.  “Just for fun!  Come on, tell us who it is, Bakugou!”

Katsuki rolled his eyes, ignoring the plight from Iida to not open his mouth.  “Deku, now shut up about it.”  He looked at Izuku for a moment before Iida popped between the two of them, shouting at Katsuki for talking when he was told not to.  

“Other than him!” Kaminari rolled his eyes, but then looked at the TV screen.  “You died twice and didn’t pass the controller?!  My turn, give it here!” Kaminari yelled at Sero, who held the controller out of his reach.  

“I only had like four seconds to play, the bastard in the tree got me!” Sero said.  “One more round, I promise!”

“Midoriya, tell us.” Mineta said.  “Who’s the hottest in the class, Midoriya, and you can’t say it’s Bakugou, that’s cheating!”

“I’m just not going to say anything.” Izuku told them, shaking his head quickly.  

“But you have someone on your mind, I can see it in your face.” Mineta teased.  Katsuki got up to squash the little fucker.

“If you don’t shut the fuck up right now, I’ll make it so you remain a virgin forever, you little shit—” Katsuki threatened, reaching down grabbing Mineta by the side of his face and lifted him off the ground, but caught Izuku’s gaze.  He wasn’t looking at Katsuki, but instead, he followed Izuku’s gaze over by the window where one person was standing.  The two looked at each other, smiling as if they knew something everyone else didn’t.

Fuck.

It was Todoroki.  Izuku broke the eye contact, looking away and blushing.  The same way he did when Katsuki winked at him. Todoroki smiled too, but closed his eyes.  Katsuki felt his heart drop and heat run throughout his body.  He dropped Mineta, who hit the ground with an oof. “Why don’t you join the group for once, Icy Hot?”

“Not much of a gamer.” Todoroki said, his arms still crossed.  They glared at each other from across the room, not saying a word.  

“Woah, this just got weird.” Kaminari said.  

“Yeah, we were just messing around.” Kirishima said.  “Oh, look, Sero just died. Again.”

“I’m going for a walk.” Katsuki said, grabbing his jacket. Katsuki was going to shout something, but thought the better of it.  He couldn’t argue it because Izuku was blushing.  Instead, Katsuki gritted his teeth, his hands forming fists.  “Don’t follow me.”  

“C’mon dude, we were messing around!” Kirishima called to him, but he was already halfway out the door.  He slammed it closed and kicked the grass as he walked back. He just wanted to clear his head, but he couldn’t shake the jealousy.  The feeling that there really could be something between Izuku and Todoroki.

The heat from his chest was too much to handle and the jealousy raged through his hands.  Sparks flashed in the dark.  “Dammit!” he said, holding both hands against the sides of his body.  “Keep it together.  They were just messing around.”  But the way Izuku looked at him.  And the way Todoroki smiled.  The words from his fight with Todoroki haunted him: “When your month is over, he’ll see that I’m the better option.”

“Kacchan!” he heard the fluted voice call out. “Kacchan, stop!”  Izuku had caught up to him, grabbing his arm.  Katsuki could tell he was using a little bit of One-for-All to keep him from walking any further.  “Are-are you crying, Kacchan?”  Katsuki hadn’t realized the number of tears that rolled down the sides of his cheeks.  Izuku held his face, wiping away the tears with his thumb.

“You like him, don’t you?” Katsuki asked.  He could feel his quirk begin to activate.  He could feel his hands sparking up again, knowing full well the answer to that.  Everyone liked that Icy Hot bastard.  Izuku stood there, quietly, not saying anything.  Katsuki pushed his hands away.  “You like him, too, right?”

“I admit it, I definitely think he’s attractive, Kacchan.  But I felt that way before I knew how you felt about me.” Izuku said.  “The more I look at you, the more I realize how much I feel for you.  We have something more than what any of us have with the others.” Izuku told him.  

“If it were a choice, you would have chosen him.” Katsuki said knowingly.  “Everyone fucking would.”

“Kacchan, I would choose you.” Izuku said.  In all the years they’d been friends, Izuku had never lied to him.  Even through all of Katsuki’s bullying through that time, Izuku continuously told him the truth.  

Until that moment.

“You don’t think I can tell when you’re lying to me? I can see straight through that.” Katsuki yelled at him, the words coming through his teeth, trying to breathe in between his cries.  You’re hyperventilating, you need to calm down! But he couldn’t stop it.  The pain from his heart beat into his quirk, pulsating a fire so strong, Katsuki thought his whole body would explode.  “It’s just not fair, Deku.” Katsuki said, tears streaming down his face, trying to stop his quirk from completely overtaking him. “I fucking hate this.  We’re the ones who are being chaperoned, we’re the ones who are having to sneak around.  I only see you on the weekends now.  He gets to see you all the time.  All throughout the week.  But I fucking can’t?  How the fuck are we supposed to be together when it feels like you’re with him?”  His mind wandered to Todoroki and the smile they shared.  

That smile was gone now.  Izuku’s face contorted between hints of frustration and confusion. “That’s not fair. We had all day to be together today, but you went to see Yoyo—,”

Katsuki laughed, knowing there was nothing funny about the situation.  “I don’t find Yoyo attractive, Deku.  Not like you and Todoroki.”

“No.” Izuku said, his brows furrowed in anger. “Like you find Camie.  Who you actually fucked, if we’re going to be resentful.”

Katsuki narrowed his gaze.  “Back off, bastard.  You know why I did that.”

“To get away from me?  Because you couldn’t stand the thought of loving me, your pitiful little Deku?” he took a few steps forward, but Katsuki didn’t move. Instead, he waited until Izuku’s shoes touched his, looking up at him.  

“That—that wasn’t it and you know it.” Katsuki tried to breathe, but couldn’t.  His body was so hot, he was sure Izuku could feel the conflagration coming from his chest. “I’m tired of this, Deku.  He gets to see you all the time and now you don’t come into my room anymore—,”

“That’s not my fault and you know it.” Izuku said slowly.  Katsuki dared not breathe, dared not speak.  He glared down at Izuku, afraid of saying anything.  He didn’t want to lose him, not to Todoroki.

But he couldn’t also stop himself.  “Are—are you fucking him, Deku?”  Izuku shook his head.  “After tomorrow, what’s the point?”

“Tomorrow?” Izuku said, blinking up at him and shaking his head.  “What does tomorrow have to do with this?”

Katsuki inhaled deeply before yelling, “Are you serious?!  Deku, it’s our one-month anniversary.  Where we—how did you put it?  Reevaluate our current circumstances?”

Deku was quiet, only saying a tiny, “Oh.”

“It doesn’t matter.  You’re not going to pick me.  You’re going to pick him.”  Tears streamed down his face.  “He’s in your groups at school, you walk with him in the halls, when you have a question about the homework, you ask him.”  The furnace of his quirk pulsed through his chest, through Katsuki’s body as he thought about the stare they had in the common room back at the dorm. That fucking smile!  His quirk heated through his body, anger and jealousy screamed out of him, “What the fuck do you need me for?  To blow you?  You haven’t done shit to me—,”

That did it.  There was a hard fist to his jaw.  Katsuki felt the power of One-for-All, a hard punch, but Katsuki maneuvered, feeling the wet, humid air in his hands ignite.  All his jealousy came out of his hands as he pushed a large blast, an explosion so loud, Katsuki felt the ground rumble beneath him, sending Izuku flying backwards, but Izuku jumped up quickly.  Katsuki threw another, less powerful, but Izuku dodged the attack, kicking himself into the air.  He flipped, adding momentum and came down hard against Katsuki’s shoulder. Katsuki grabbed Izuku’s foot, distracting him with a small blast to his forearm and with his other hand, grabbed the back of Izuku’s head and threw him to the ground, face first.  

“Stop it, Deku!”  Katsuki snarled, climbing on top of him, pinning him face-down in the grass. Katsuki could hear school alarms in the distance and his vision blurred as his head started to spin.  

“Bakugou!” Kirishima yelled, pulling Katsuki off of Izuku.  Iida helped Izuku up.

Katsuki was breathing hard, panting, trying to get out of Kirishima’s grip, but his hardening quirk didn’t allow it.  It jailed Katsuki, separating him and Izuku. No, not like this.  Don’t leave me, not like this.

—

Izuku cried soft tears as Iida helped him up. “I think, it might be time to end it, Midoriya.  I know it’s distracting for you, but also for all of us as well.”

Izuku moved his head to look at Katsuki, who was in Kirishima’s grasp.  He was trying to escape from Kirishima, like a feral animal that couldn’t be tamed. Kirishima stood his ground, keeping Katsuki back.  Izuku’s lips trembled as his eyes welled up with tears.  When their eyes met, Izuku gasped, holding his breath.  There was a raw, animalistic look in those maroon eyes. An anger that couldn’t be calmed, an emotion that couldn’t be satiated.  Izuku couldn’t look away from those eyes, there was something so intense in them, a look he’d never seen from Katsuki.  

It was heartbreak.

Katsuki’s breathing slowed and he allowed Kirishima to keep his arms around him as he whispered, “I can’t do this, Deku.” He sank to his knees, taking Kirishima down with him.  “Not like this.  I know I said I’d give it a month, but I’m giving you everything, all of me.  I love you so much, but you can’t even say it back to me.  Maybe there’s a reason for that.”    Katsuki got up and pushed Kirishima off of him. “I’m done, really.” he told Kirishima and started to walk away from the dorm.  

“K-Kacchan.” Izuku said, letting the tears fall down his face.  “Please—,”

Izuku moved to go after him, to stop him, but without turning around Katsuki said, “It’s okay.  We tried, Deku.”  Izuku opened his mouth to argue, to say that they still had one night left together, but Katsuki shook his head.  “I can’t do this anymore, Deku.  I can’t take it if you leave me.  I-I’ll always—”  But Katsuki got quiet before shutting his mouth.  “I need to clear my head.  Four Eyes, make sure you tell Aizawa I’m going home this weekend.”

“Ah?” Iida started to say, but then bowed respectfully. “Yes, of course!  Whatever you need.” Izuku watched as Katsuki turned around, grabbing Kirishima by his shirt collar.  “We’re going for a walk.  I need to clear my head.”

Izuku watched them walk away until they were out of sight, engulfed in the darkness of the night.  He waited a moment before he turned around, Iida walking him back to the dorm, helping him up the stairs and opening the door.  When he walked into the common room, all his classmates’ eyes burned into him.  His chin trembled for a few moments before his knees buckled and he fell to the floor, holding his arms.  He sobbed incoherently as salty grief poured from his eyes.  His vision became hazy, but a hand touched his shoulder.  And then another.  And then another.  More hands of his classmates piled on his other shoulder, his head, his back, until two strong hands took his face, wiping away the pain that ran down his cheeks.  Izuku looked up and stared straight into the duo-chromed eyes of Todoroki, who took Izuku into his arms and allowed Izuku to cry into his shoulder.  

—

Katsuki couldn’t breathe.  Kirishima asked where they were going, but he didn’t answer.   He held the phone up to his ear and said, “Please be awake—thank fucking hell, please come outside.”

“Sure thing!” the voice said on the other side of the phone.  And Yoyo walked outside of the 3-A dorm.  He was in white shorts, the same color as his hair.  “Oh, no.  Trouble in paradise?”

“I—we couldn’t do it, Yoyo.” Katsuki said.  “We could never stay together.”

Yoyo held his arms out and Katsuki hugged him, crying into his friend’s chest.  “If it’s real, then he’ll stay, honey. And if it’s real, then you’ll want him to.”

END OF PART 1

(previous)

[backinblack1967]

The Annual Feeling of Loss or You’re Never Alone (Seonghwa x Reader)

A/N: Hi, everyone! :) Over the years I’ve written several little stories but never had the courage to post them online. I’ve been struggling with the death of my dad the past few months and what better way to cope with it than with writing it down, I thought. So, I made a one-shot with ATEEZ and a reader insert. If you don’t want to read about it, you are warned. (Please be warned that English isn’t my mother tongue, either.)  

To be honest, this one is more fluff and (bad) humour after the initial angst. Feel free to leave a comment, ask me about anything or maybe even leave a request for a future scenario.

XXX Sarah

Seonghwa x Reader x platonic!ATEEZ

word count: 3,011

***

네가 힘이 들고 지칠 때 When it’s hard and you’re tired

찾게 되는 그 곳, 나 그 곳이 될게 the place you’re looking for, I’ll become this place

아무 것도 놓을 수 없어서 when you have nowhere to lean on

삶이 버거울 때 꼭 네 곁이 될게 when life is too much, I will be next to you

(BTS - With Seoul)

***

It was that day again. You had dreaded it for the last 2 years and you hated yourself for it. When your father had been alive it had been a funny coincidence that your birthday was on the exact day before his, but when he’d died you had come to loathe both of your birthdays because they had become a constant reminder that you’d never see him again. Never hear his voice again or feel his arms around you in one of his famous bear hugs.

Yesterday you had celebrated your birthday with your friends, trying to suppress the rising feeling of dread and sadness. Currently, you were sitting in a small café, or more like hiding from your best friends you whom were living with. You could try bullshitting them with the excuse of cramps or a migraine, but some would undoubtedly see behind your carefully constructed façade.

And so, you had gone out in the early hours of the day to seek refuge and distraction in the crowds. You were currently sitting in the farthest corner with a cup of warm chocolate in front of you and your iPad and pencil in the other, trying to force the thoughts from your head onto the canvas. Sometimes drawing them helped to forget a little. Or to remember the fond moments you were especially frightened of forgetting over time.

This morning, when you had opened your old chat to listen to his voice again, you had barely been able to contain your cries. The audio messages were still there but the little icon on top which should show his picture had been empty. Maybe it was because he had been offline for too long and at that thought, uncontrollable sobs had taken over your body. You had decided to leave your shared flat then because you didn’t want to ruin their short time off by bringing their jovial mood down.

You had left a note on the kitchen table saying you would be back in the evening and that they shouldn’t wait up if it got later.

You figured if you could only get through today you would be fine tomorrow. Distract yourself until nightfall, sneak in and sleep it off.

Admittedly, you had entertained the thought of talking to Yun-ho this morning and whether you would feel better wrapped in his arms but then you had decided against it. You didn’t want to burden either of them and you really didn’t want them to see you as weak. For good measure, you had turned off your mobile phone so you wouldn’t be tempted to call them or your mom.

***

What you didn’t know was that back in the dorm every sense of carefreeness had been abandoned hours ago. San hadn’t been particularly worried when he had found your note first – sometimes you just ventured off to calm places to concentrate.

He couldn’t blame you when their dorm resembled a playground filled with 5-year olds high on sugar more often than not. He had been curious why you would be staying out late on a weekend but Hong-joong had reminded him that people like them needed the occasional day off to gather inspiration and that you would surely confide in them if something was bothering you.

They had unanimously decided to wait up for you to ask if anything was wrong but to otherwise leave you be for the time you were away. However, San had seen Seong-hwa and Yeo-sang trying to sneakily call you several times through the day. When he had asked them about it, both of them had admitted that they had a bad gut feeling. Both of them had been with you on some of your “alone days” without the others knowing, so their feelings wouldn’t get hurt. When he had gathered all of his team members to tell them exactly that, they had been surprised to hear because as it turned out you had always taken one of them with you when you had gone out “alone”.

Now they were worried. Had something happened? Had they unknowingly done something to hurt your feelings? Or had it been someone else? Jong-ho had oh so kindly offered to beat up anyone who might have hurt their girl, Min-gi volunteering as well. Both Hong-joong and Woo-young had hurriedly convinced them not to do it, in remembrance of the last incident.

And then the phone had rung.

And it wasn’t who they had expected. An angry, high-pitched female voice had greeted Yun-ho on the other end, making his smile drop. That wasn’t you. And she was neither speaking Korean nor English. He picked up two familiar words, however, in her rant: your name and the word “papa”. With wide eyes he told Hong-joong and thrust the phone at him as if it would bite him any minute.

Hong-joong switched the phone to speaker as he waited for a break in her venomous monologue. They winced from the apparent fury in her tone without even understanding what she was saying. When she paused to draw breath, Hong-joong hurriedly interrupted her in English.

“I’m sorry, I assume you want to talk to Y/N, but she’s currently out. May I ask who you are?”

The woman’s voice had turned condescending at that, mocking him for his “horrible” English pronunciation in a sickly-sweet tone before she continued to rant about her little irresponsible and stupid sister who wouldn’t even come home for her deceased father’s birthday. Like, who did she think she was? Not even calling her elder sister to ask her if she was alright on such a somber day. Hong-joong didn’t detect a smidgen of sadness in her voice or any compassion for her family member. And suddenly your absence made incredibly much more sense.

He figured he would let her let off steam before getting rid of her and looking for you with his brothers. It was twenty minutes later when he couldn’t stand the insults hurled towards you anymore and told her to shut up (which shocked his members as they’d never heard him speak less than respectful to strangers or older people). He had tried to tell her of your compassion and warm heart, how you helped everyone around you and brightened their days. But for every positive trait or deed your sister had responded with another insult which were growing more and more farfetched.

They others weren’t too good in English but with certain familiar keywords, their leader’s expression and the tone of the woman’s voice they could piece together the gist of what was being said. Even Yun-ho’s patience began wearing thin as he watched Joong’s expression turning more and more agitated and downright hurt.

He threw a glance at their eldest who held a pensive expression on his face as he stared off into the distance. When Seong-hwa noticed Yun-ho’s pleading gaze and the various distressed and confused faces around him, he lightly tapped on Hong-joong’s shoulder to get his attention.

“Joong, don’t you want to end this conversation? It doesn’t seem to go anywhere… Could you wrap it up and tell us what exactly is going on?”

He nodded and said a few sentences to the other person on the phone that left her silent with surprise.

“You will have to stop right there, miss. I won’t tolerate you insulting my friend any longer. I have no idea how you got this number but please refrain from calling again or I will see myself forced to talk to our manager and lawyer. Have a good day.”

There was a brief silence before Yeo-sang voiced what all of them were thinking.

“So… who exactly was that and why were they so angry at Y/N?”

Hong-joong explained that your older sister had called from home and that today was the birthday of your father who had died two years ago, shortly before his birthday back then, too.

San hugged Woo-young when his face crumbled into sadness at the news. He could vividly imagine what it meant to lose a family member and he didn’t wish that kind of devastating heartache on any of the people he considered family.

Hong-joong couldn’t bring himself to repeat the insults your sister had hurled at you and relied as much to the others. He was visibly angry whereas Seong-hwa looked more concerned.

“Should we go look for her? Do you have any idea where she could be?”

“Don’t you think we should give her some space until she comes back, Hwa? I mean, she obviously had a reason to leave for the day.”

Yun-ho trailed off unsurely because he didn’t want to do anything else besides wrap you in his arms and to cuddle the sadness away.

“I think we should wait here. Don’t get me wrong, I want nothing more than to be with her right now, either, but we don’t know where to start searching. And what if she comes home while we’re running around Seoul? Let’s just wait and cheer her up when she returns,” proposed Yeo-sang, ever the voice of reason, although he didn’t seem to be happy about it. “I don’t want to overwhelm her or make her uncomfortable.”

Min-gi was the first one to agree. “Then can we prepare a movie evening and order take-out?”

***

It was dark when you decided you had wallowed in self-pity and bitter-sweet memories for long enough. You trudged through the darkened streets until you found yourself staring up at the building of your dorm. You had decided to come home earlier than planned because you honestly couldn’t take being alone anymore.

You needed their smiles and distracting chaos to ground yourself in the present and to remind yourself that everything would be okay at the end of the day.

You forced a smile on your face as you walked up the flights of stairs towards your home. Shortly before you reached the front door, you turned on your phone again only to take note of the several missed calls, all of them from your extended little family except one from your sister. You weren’t sorry that you had missed hers, she would have solely reproached you anyway for your so-called heartless behaviour towards her.

You stuffed your phone into your jeans pocket, touched that they had tried reaching out to you despite your little note. You felt childish for ignoring them now.

You had barely unlocked the front door and put your keys on the hook next to it, when something slammed into you and wrapped their arms around your shoulders. Another one joining seconds after at your back. Blinking in surprise, you returned the hugs and automatically your uptight body went lax in their hold.

You felt surrounded and loved and so completely at home.

Judging from the familiar scents, you were currently between San and Min-gi. Over the latter’s shoulder you could see Woo-young nervously bouncing on the balls of his feet. You smiled at him and it felt less forced than all the hours before. When you beckoned with your hand towards him, he bound over to your little bunch and joined the tangled mess. You giggled at their puppy-like behaviour.

“Did something happen? What’s gotten into you, not that I’m complaining?”

“We just missed you,” came Woo-young’s muffled reply.

You smiled at his admission, “I missed you, too. All of you.”

When you had untangled yourself from the hug a few minutes later, Min-gi took your hand and led you towards the grand couch in the living room.

You took in the other members sitting on the couch and on the nest of pillows and blankets before it, with steaming take-out containers scattered in various places.

“Okay, something definitely happened. Are we celebrating a new song? Do I need to beat somebody up?”

You earned various smiles for that and Seong-hwa patted the free space between him and Yun-ho on the couch. You accepted his invitation and after they had wrapped their arms over your shoulders you inquired once more, “Now tell me. What happened?”

There was a tense silence before Hong-joong spoke. “Your sister called today.”

Dread replaced your uplifted mood as you felt the smile slip from your face. In a small voice you asked, “What did she say? … Oh my god, I’m so sorry, guys. I don’t know how she got this number.”

Yeo-sang hushed you from his place at your feet, one hand running up your knee.

“Don’t worry. I don’t think she will call again. But why didn’t you tell us about today? You know you can tell us anything. We love you.”

You fiddled with your fingers, touched by his sincere words.

“I love you guys, too. It’s just- I just didn’t want to bother you on your small holiday. And I thought that if I … don’t need comfort or if I don’t talk about it, it would go away sooner. Like it didn’t actually happen.”

Hearing your reasons out loud made you wince because of how pathetic they sounded. You really were childish.  And as horrible as your sister said, for trying to forget your father’s death. I’m sorry, papa. I miss you.

Your self-deprecating train of thoughts was interrupted by a soft palm on your right cheek.  

“Sweetheart, whatever you’re thinking right now – stop. You’re not stupid for trying to forget or for being insecure. And you can always come to us if something is bothering you. Have you forgotten the many times you were there for us? Isn’t that right, guys?”

All around the room, there were affirmative nods and assuring smiles. You smiled and leaned subconsciously into his touch.

“I- I think I know, Hwa. I was just being stupid. Sorry for worrying you.”

He leaned in with a soft smile until his forehead and nose were touching yours. You squirmed at his closeness and your obvious blush on display for all of them. He had always been a bit touchy-feely with you, but you had passed it off as Woo-young, Min-gi and San rubbing off on the other members.

You were sure your crush was blatantly obvious right now. Your love for Seong-wha went far beyond the platonic kind and you had been afraid to tell him – or anyone – in fear of making things awkward. But in that moment, as he gazed deeply into your eyes, you could have sworn he felt the same for you.

Your little bubble was interrupted by Woo-young’s coos and Jong-ho clearing his throat.

“So, uh… can we start movie night now? I’m famished.”

You all laughed at that, but you still caught the knowing smiles on their faces. Seong-hwa winked at you when he retreated slightly.

You barely registered Yun-ho mumbling something about popcorn, being far too occupied with Seong-wha draping a blanket over the both of you and engulfing your hand underneath it with his bigger one. You snuggled closer to him, leaning your head on his shoulder. The need for comfort and skin-ship was making you a little bolder than usual.

Yun-ho and Min-gi returned with two big bowls of popcorn and snuggled back into the pillow fort. The next few hours were spent laughing at the people in the movie, munching popcorn and gorging on your favourite take-out.

Sometimes happy moments made you sad when you realized you wouldn’t get to share them with your father. This time, you felt whole and as if you could face any problems as long as they stayed by your side.

There was a comfortable lull in conversation and no more remarks at the stupidity of certain movie characters a few hours later when everyone became sleepy. Your head rested drowsily against Seong-hwa’s shoulder, his cheek on the crown of your head, hands intertwined and blissful smiles on both your faces. You were happy, sorrows not forgotten but dulled and overshadowed by the feeling of absolute belonging.

You heard Yeo-sang whispering and giggling with San.

“Hm?” You raised an inquisitive eyebrow at them.

“Oh, don’t mind us. We were just wondering when one of you will gather enough courage to make the first step,” Yeo-sang remarked matter-of-factly with a good-natured smirk on his face as he made a sweeping gesture towards you and Seong-hwa.

Your earlier blush returned full force. You pressed into Seong-hwa’s chest to hide from their encouraging gazes. His chuckle rumbled underneath your ear as he drew you closer with his arm.

“There you go again, ruining my plans to tell her. And do I have to remind you that most of the time it was one of you two who interrupted me when I was approaching the subject? I should put both of you on dish washing duty for the next month,” he answered jokingly.

You had perked up in the middle of his sentence. Was that an indirect confession?

Your head peaked up at him, catching the warm smile directed at you.

“Do you mean that?”

“Of course, I do. So, what do you say, Y/N. Do you want to be the Light Fury to my Toothless?”

“Yes,” was all you managed through the big smile on your face.

What had begun as a horrible day had ended as one of the best days in your life so far. And all thanks to your little extended family and the guy you had fallen in love with.

“That’s nice and all, but please keep things PG-rated, alright? We have a baby in our midst.”

As Jong-ho hit Yun-ho over his head, Seong-hwa threw you one of those smiles that were a cross between amusement and internal suffering. You giggled and snuggled closer again. You were home.

A/N number 2: Reposting this again because I’m old. I actually messed up the hashtags. Please help, haha.

[snarky-badger]

I'm just imagining in the trapped in the elevator story after SO has the baby and V's just like 'it's so small....... a tiny human...' just completely enamored w/ this lil squishy bean. Just. Noodle Dad and smol babby is Good Shit.

Had a bunch of Prompts like this one:

Hey there! Just wanted to say that I absolutely fell in love with your Expecting Venom x Reader story!! 🖤❤️ Do you think there will be a sequel/follow up where Eddie and the reader have a cute discussion about names or Eddie/Venom freaking out over a Braxton Hicks contraction? (And maybe the reader goes, “OMG, it’s fine! I’m fine! Plz calm down!” after Venom fully transforms, scoops her up, and is about to web-swing her to the hospital, or something! XD )            

OMG, I just LOVED your Pregnant Reader x Eddie Brock/Venom story!!!! Do you think you could do another one where the Reader suddenly goes into labor?  

Can we get more pregnant reader with Eddie and the symbiot? Maybe she goes into labor and they are freaking out and after 5 hrs twins are born, one completely human and the other a symboit that already bonded with the human baby and they are a perfect match since they basically grown together.          

Hi don’t know if I’m asking at the right site sorry if I’m not. I was wondering if you could do a venom promt, like a sequel to the Elevator one where the pregnant reader finally gives birth and Venom is immediately mesmerized by the baby after the delivery, maybe have him freak out like a lot of dads do during the labour since he is still learning things about humans? If you already have a sequel to it then just ignore me. Gamer-Kat.

WOW! So much interest for this one! Alright, here we go. I hope this doesn’t disappoint. (I tried to work in the symbiote/baby idea. It’s not quite what was requested, but I hope it’s good enough)

Sequel to ‘Elevator Troubles while Expecting’

EDIT - I have edited the prompt ‘Daddy’s Girl’ to fit in with this. Think of it as a future part of this ‘series’ of prompts.

“Eddie?”

“Yeah, babe?”

You grimaced a little as you braced a hand against the living room wall, your other hand clutching at your belly. Pain radiated from your stomach, to your lower back and down your legs, turning standing into an exertion that you really didn’t need. You breathed through it, when spoke once the wave had passed. “I think you should get me to the hospital now.”

His head jerked up and spun towards you so fast you thought he’d broken his neck. “W-What?”

“I’ve been having contractions… for the past hour.”

“The past— Babe! You said you were sleeping!”

“Yes, well, after the Braxton-Hicks incident I wanted to be sure this time.” Said incident had involved a panicking Venom, who had scooped you up and bashed his way out the living-room window - and part of the wall - in the rush to get you to the nearest hospital before you’d been able to explain to him what was going on.

Luckily the Building Manager was a good one. Most of the brickwork had been replaced, and while the ‘window’ part was still boarded up, the Manager had assured you that the order had been put in and it was just a matter of waiting for the custom window to be delivered.

Currently, however, you had bigger problems.

Like Eddie running around the apartment trying to find the bag you’d prepared for your trip to the hospital. “Eddie.”

His voice wavered. You saw little symbiote tendrils start to weave in the air around him, a sure sign that Venom was getting just as flustered. “Yeah?”

Jesus. Did all men get this freaked out? “Hallway closet, top shelf, green duffel bag.”

“Right!”

Shaking your head, you slowly waddled towards the apartment door, thankful for the slip-on sneakers you’d bought two months ago. Bending over just wasn’t possible anymore.

Eddie returned to your side with the needed bag, eyes comically wide. “Cab or web-slinging?”

You opened your mouth, then shut it with a grimace as another wave hit you. You’d had bad menstrual cramps before - had been warned by your OBG/YN that the contractions might feel that way - but this was ridiculous.

“Web-slinging. Definitely web-slinging. Off the rooftop!” you added quickly as Eddie vanished under the darkness of the symbiote, Venom reaching for you once the transformation was complete. “We managed to bullshit our way through one excuse for the wall. I don’t think we can do it again.”

“WE PANICKED A LITTLE,” Venom rumbled to you, voice low with embarrassment, as he gently scooped you into his arms, cuddling you close. He lashed out some tendrils from his back to pick up the duffel bag, anchoring it to him as he used another bit to open the front door.

It wasn’t often that you saw Venom employ stealth. Usually he just went where he wanted to go, and damn anything in his way. Now, he was silent, footfalls making no sound as he darted across the hallway and into the stairwell, bounding up them one flight at a time.

“TALK TO US MORSEL. WE CAN SENSE YOUR PAIN. WHAT DO WE DO?”

That had been the symbiote’s largest issue with your pregnancy. Not the physical changes, or the oddity of a live birth, but the fact that you’d end up in pain. Both Eddie and Venom had zero tolerance for seeing you in pain. They both fretted and hovered, and one of them had a horrible habit of just wanting to kill the source of your torment.

You worried about having them in the room during the actual childbirth.

For now though. “My lower back, can you put pressure on it a little?” Felt a tendril slip under your shirt, spreading across your back and kneading into your flesh, and instantly the seizing sensation eased. “Mm. Thanks. That helps a lot.”

“WE’LL BE AT THE HOSPITAL SOON.” He wasn’t as stealthy as he bashed the rooftop access door open with his shoulder, but you were in the middle of another contraction and couldn’t care. “OH! WE CAN SENSE THAT! HOW FAR APART ARE THEY?”

You glanced at your watch. “T-They’re speeding up. This one is only three minutes after the last one.” The symbiote had read every bit of literature that you and Eddie had brought home, twice, even pestering Eddie into going online so it could learn more. It probably knew more about childbirth than you did at this point.

Venom growled, shifting you in his grip, a thick tendril lashing around your legs, to support you as he freed his right arm and sent a webline out to another building. “HOLD TIGHT. WE CAN GET TO THE HOSPITAL BEFORE YOUR NEXT CONTRACTION.”

Blinking, you obediently curled your arms around his neck, clinging to him as he leapt off the roof. The pull of gravity felt worse than ever before, tugging at something inside you, but you didn’t comment, not when everything blurred past you at a speed you’d never experienced before.

Venom swung around a corner and rebounded off a building before sending out another line, the hand curled around your shoulders tightening a little when you hid your face against his shoulder. It was a rapid paced roller-coaster of ups and downs, pulls and pushes, the wind ruffling your hair as he crossed a quarter of the City in record time.

It was Eddie that landed in a quiet part of the Hospital’s parking lot, his left arm returning to properly cradle you. “Jesus, I didn’t know he could move that fast.”

“Neither did I,” you admitted, feeling the bit of symbiote applying pressure against your back ripple a little.

No one gave you any weird looks as Eddie carried you into the ER, though the triage Nurse was a little slow on the uptake, at least until Venom took over Eddie’s voice and snarled out that you were in labor and to call the doctor now. Then she moved.

Half an hour later - after your water broke and an ER doctor had confirmed that you were ‘officially’ in active labor (no shit Sherlock) - you were in the maternity ward, lying in an uncomfortable bed, in an itchy gown, hooked up to a fetal heart rate monitor. Your legs were in stirrups while a Nurse checked to see how dilated you were. You had a grip on Eddie’s hand, mostly because there was a sheen of white over his blue eyes, a sign that Venom was close to the surface, and you couldn’t tell if the symbiote was just curious or protective.

The next four hours went by normally, so your Nurses told you. You turned down an epidural, but accepted some painkillers. Eddie stayed by your side the entire time, helping you walk when the Nurses suggested that you walk, rubbing your back, fetching you water and ice chips when needed and talking you through the contractions. The symbiote was always just under the surface, evident by the slightly cloudy sheen that turned his eyes grey - something that only you noticed, thank God.

It wasn’t until you were almost fully dilated that the real pain started. Intense cramping, pulling, tightening, waves that left you shaking with every ebb and crest. Eddie became glued to your side, literally, as the symbiote sent out half-camouflaged tendrils, massaging your back and hips, giving you little nudges when you forgot to breathe. At the same time, Eddie encouraged you through each wave, gently using a cold cloth to wipe the sweat from your face, holding you hand when you needed and not complaining when you tried to crush his fingers.

Honestly, there were moments where you wanted to kill him for getting you pregnant.

To say you were relieved when the overwhelming urge to push finally came and a Nurse announced that you were fully dilated and ready to go. You had no idea of how long you’d been at the hospital at that point, everything had just blurred together in the rising and falling of contractions.

Nurses, a doctor for you and a pediatrician for the baby filled the room, the sudden hustle and bustle making your nerves spike a little. But by then the urge to push was massive, and you just wanted the baby out.

They allowed - funny ‘allowed’. Obviously had no clue - Eddie to get behind you on the bed so you were between his legs, back to his chest, helping you to settle into a more comfortable position. It gave the symbiote the opportunity to cover your back and sides, massaging, kneading, where ever it could touch, safely hidden from view by your gown.

You gripped Eddie’s hands and bore down during contractions, gritting your teeth at the stinging, burning, sensation. Jesus Christ, how was the world overpopulated if this is what women had to go though?

Went limp when the doctor told you to stop pushing, leaning your head back against Eddie’s right shoulder, so tired and drained. He nuzzled at you, scratchy stubble itching your cheek, the symbiote kneading your back, pressing against you.

“You’re almost there,” Eddie murmured, kissing your cheek, hands gripping yours tight.

The doctor told you to push when you could, and you shook your head a little. “I-I can’t–”

“Yeah, you can. C’mon. One more.” There was some of Venom’s voice melded with Eddie’s and you shivered as the symbiote rippled against your spine.

With a last herculean effort, your baby daughter was born. Once the doctors cleared her airway, clamped the cord, and deposited her on your chest, she started to fuss and cry. Felt the symbiote go very, very, still against you as you pulled her into a gentle hug, nestling her close to you, hearing Eddie’s breathing hitch a little as he rose a hand to rest it over her back.

“Told you you could do it,” he sniffled, pressing a kiss to your cheek again, though you knew his gaze was locked on his daughter.

Your little Jamie.

The pediatrician took her from you, briefly, cleaned her up a little and checked her over before happily announcing that you had a perfectly healthy, seven-point-two pound little girl.

It wasn’t until you were in your own room, cleaned up, with your daughter in your arms, that Venom felt safe enough to make an appearance. You kept an eye on the door as he slowly approached you, leaning down to peer at the little life in your arms.

“IS… IS IT SAFE TO TOUCH HER?” You’d never heard Venom actually sound nervous before.

“Just watch the talons,” you murmured, smiling when the blackness on his hands rippled, those wicked claws retracting.

Slowly, as if he was almost afraid of her, Venom lifted his little girl into the crook of his right arm, carefully supporting her head the way he’d obviously seen in all the books you’d brought home. Jamie was minuscule in his arms, her little face scrunched up as she slept, one hand nestled to her mouth.

You watched as he ducked his head, gently nuzzling at her, drinking in her scent, just like he did to you. “SHE SMELLS LIKE US MIXED WITH YOU. LIKE…” His voice trailed off, and you saw his pale eyes widen a little.

New motherly instincts went off. “Venom? What is it?”

He licked at her face with the tip of his tongue, blinking when she fussed a little in her sleep. “SHE SMELLS LIKE… LIKE A SYMBIOTE.”

Okay. That wasn’t as bad as your mind was thinking. “You and Eddie are her father. Of course she’d smell like you.”

“NO, MORSEL. SHE HAS YOUR SCENT, YES. BUT SHE DOESN’T SMELL LIKE A HUMAN.”

Okay. That was a little worse. “Which means what?”

One massive shoulder rose and fell in a shrug. “NOT SURE. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. NEVER KNEW WE COULD HAVE AN OFFSPRING THIS WAY.” He turned his attention back down to the baby in his arms, rumbling softly, purring to her in his own way. She fussed a little more, then opened her eyes - the same steel blue as Eddie’s eyes - and though you knew that she probably couldn’t focus her vision yet, you could swear she was looking back at him.

Venom stared back at her for a moment before his head jerked up, eyes narrowing at the doorway. Moments later, it was Eddie standing in his place, the man looking a little frazzled to suddenly be holding his daughter, though that awkwardness quickly turned into a sort of protective-Dad vibe when a Nurse walked in.

Thank God for keen symbiote senses.

After the Nurse had checked up on you and the baby, you were left alone again, Jamie back in your arms, Eddie perched on the side of the bed so he could look down at her.

“Venom thinks she might genetically, be part symbiote,” Eddie murmured to you softly, relaying the symbiote’s thoughts, since the alien had decided that staying hidden while in the hospital was safest. “That might be why she smells different to him. Which makes sense, I guess. I’m not fully human anymore.”

“I don’t care,” you frowned, keeping Jamie settled close while she nursed at your breast. Deciding that Eddie looked too bummed for such an amazing day, you rose your free hand to Eddie’s face, pulling him down for a kiss. “She’s ours and she’s perfect. So, long she doesn’t go biting the heads off of people before she’s eighteen, I can pretty much adapt to anything.”

Eddie paled a little. “Jesus, I didn’t think of that.”

You grinned as you pecked Eddie on the lips again. “And,if she ends up climbing walls and gets stuck up there, I expect one or both of you to get her down. And when the time comes I’ll even let you handle any potential boyfriends.”

“Boyfriends?!” Venom’s voice growled out of Eddie’s throat before the man whacked himself in the chest, coughing when the symbiote relinquished control.

“Calm down dude,” Eddie muttered. “That won’t be for, like, thirteen years.”

“If you’re lucky.”

“Please don’t rile him up,” he pouted, smirking when you giggled. Smiling, Eddie leaned in to kiss you again, then dropped a softer peck onto Jamie’s head. “Love you.”

“I love you, too. Both of you.”

[ashencreature]

Important Update for partners across the board

This is long, and I’m sorry, but I just wanted everyone to know what’s going on. Honestly, I’m not expecting anyone to actually waste time reading through all this, but it’s just so I can try to ease my own anxiety in case the worst case scenario does come and I left some sort of explanation.

Ok, so, some of you know there’s been a lot going on for me at home in the last 3 or 4 years. But everything’s kind of getting worse by day and at this point, I’m not sure what to do anymore. 

When I was 14, I moved in with my dad. We moved quite a few times in the first few years I was with him. Hell, that first year alone, I was in 3 different schools. All for Freshman year. And the last house we were in that year, we stayed in for maybe 2? 

But when I was 16, the factory my dad worked at closed and he lost his job. That’s kind of where all this starts. Instead of getting a new job, he decided he wanted to spend all day drinking with his new friends and occasionally doing odd jobs for them or things with them. We had to move out of that house, take my dog to the shelter, and move into a trailer. It was only supposed to be for a year. But nearly 14 years later, and we’re still here. 

Now the landlord here is a real prick. More like a slumlord if you ask me. He jacks the rent up for the dumbest reasons and acts like he’s god’s gift to humanity or some shit. He told us himself, and had the park manager tell us, that we couldn’t fix our roof to stop the leaking because the walls would collapse of we tried to move it. So literally the entire 14 years we’ve been here, the roof has been leaking. My dad tried everything he could think of, short of tearing it out and redoing it, to fix it. Nothing worked. 

And in that time, the entire back half of the house got destroyed by mold. My bedroom, being the very last room, was the first to go. I think I slept in it for a year? And ever since, I’ve had to sleep in the living room because the walls had to be torn out due to the mold. It’s right down to the studs and the scant insulation. It’s been like that for over 10 years. Well, now the mold is spreading and getting worse. The bathroom is destroyed pretty much. The back hallway is the same. The floor’s rotting away, and the toilet is falling through the floor; again. 

Now, I think my dad went to the garage he was at for the first time when I was maybe 18? I don’t remember exactly. I do remember being in junior year and my friends either having to buy me lunch, share theirs with me, or pray that we actually were cooking in cooking class; which happened a lot less than you’d think. Other than that, I didn’t eat. Senior year was a little better because I at least would get money dropped off to eat. Not that the cafeteria had a lot of choices for me to pick from. I pretty much ate nothing but gross excuse for pizza and occasionally pretzels, fries, or Belgian waffles. 

Anyway, so senior year rolls around and we’re all prepping for college. At the time, I wanted to go to AMDA for musical theater, and managed to get an audition there for that March. I had to force my dad to go to the meeting about FAFSA and to fill out the paperwork. Which he said he did, but I don’t believe it because he says they denied me. And I’ve never heard of FAFSA being denied. Not that it mattered anyway, because I bombed the audition and didn’t get in. So graduation rolls around and all my friends go off to college. I haven’t seen or spoken to most of them since. They never stop to visit when they come home and they never try to reach out on Facebook. Eventually, I got sick of being the one to initiate and maintain all conversations, so I just gave up. 

The 2 friends I still had at that time helped me to get jobs when I was 20/21 and living with them, in 2011/2012. This was because 2 of us and their mom were in a car accident on the way to my friend’s college at the time. We all nearly died. My friend had a concussion, their mom needed surgery, and I nearly got impaled by a fake Christmas tree. I ended up going to the hospital a lot later than they did with a copy of the report in the doctor’s hand and got told I wasn’t in an accident I had the flu, go home. Anyway, so after my friend’s mom’s surgery, I moved in to help around the house and look after my friend’s youngest sister. These jobs weren’t the best; Wendy’s and the deli department of one of the local grocery stores. But it was money. 

For all the good it did. Because by that time, my dad had quit working at the garage. So here I was, paying for rent, bills, gas, food, and child support for my brother. All on $200 a week. My anxiety was driving me insane. And I came to find out that my dad was going in and threatening one of the store managers, which was probably why the guy was such a scumbag to me. But I digress. So I was in the store for a month shy of 2 years. I started at maybe $7.45 or $7.50. an hour when I started. It was slightly over the minimum wage at the time. By the time I left, 2 years later mind you, I wasn’t even making $8, and I was working full time hours while only being part time. Everything that went wrong got blamed on me, even when it was my day off and I wasn’t anywhere near the store. I liked most of the people that I worked with, even if I hated the job, and the assistant department manager became a really good friend. She was 2 years older than me, and we hung out a lot. I’d spend the night at her house, I was at her wedding, I’ve been to her daughter’s birthday parties and so on. 

At one point, I was supposed to get training to be an assistant specialty cheese shop lead. They sent me to one class, told me about another, but never gave me any more details about it, even when I asked. Then they said they were going to train me over there, but never did. That was just the first of a long list of grievances. The culmination of which was on a Sunday night, our busiest day of the week. There was just me and 1 other guy in the department. Then 1 lady in the hot food section, 1 lady in the beer store, and no one in the bakery. But they expected me to take care of all 4 departments and still wait on the 20+ people that were at the counter the whole night. And I had an order to make and put away for the assistant department manager. Needless to said, I had a panic attack. I told my partner, and both of the other people nearby. They told the assistant store manager, and he didn’t care. They made me work for 3 and a half hours, through a panic attack, without a break. I couldn’t breathe and was on the verge of fainting. I finally had enough and told one of the ladies that I didn’t care what the store manager said, I was going to get my inhaler in the break room and get a drink at the water fountain, or I was going to faint. 

A few days later, I got called to the main office to speak to the store manager, who I usually didn’t have a problem with. And unfortunately, since my anger receptors are evidently attached to my tear ducts, I broke down in tears when I wanted to be furious. He basically told me that I was going to the bakery or I was getting fired. So the next day, I quit. There was a lot of other stuff too but that doesn’t really matter. Including being so sick that I couldn’t eat for over a week, fainting in the back room because they wouldn’t let me take a day off, and not being able to talk for over a month. The assistant department manager almost called the ambulance when I fainted, but you know, I’m clearly the problem here. 

So there we were, I didn’t have a job. My dad didn’t have a job. I was 23, and feeling just as helpless as I did at 16. I spent a year filling out job applications for a bunch of different things from craft stores to fast food to jewelry stores, but never heard back from any of them. The only interview I got was for Chipotle. But they wouldn’t even hire me. Naturally, cue the anxiety and depression getting worse. And around this time, our electric got shut off. This was in May I believe because it was just before my birthday. 

At that time I started thinking about going back to school. So I looked at schools and degrees you could do all online, because I knew I could never afford to go on campus. And, as most of you know, I started at CTU in July of that year. Now the program I did was an accelerated one, which meant I could finish gen ed classes faster, be done faster, and lower my tuition. I did as many as I could, but only my admission adviser was any help. My actual student adviser was never around, never responded to my emails, never called me back. But whatever. 

So for 3 years I spent pretty much all day, every god damn day doing schoolwork. I’d be at my local Dunkin from 3 in the afternoon until they closed at 11. Sometimes I’d be working even later next door because I still had stuff to do. The first year and a half I was fine. It didn’t bother mine, just like working didn’t bother me at first. But then, a year and a half after I started, I got sick. I couldn’t eat anything without my stomach cramping up and getting the worst migraines. It got so bad that one day at Dunkin, I felt like I was going to puke, and got up to go to the bathroom and almost fainted. Personally, I think it’s a combination of anxiety, depression, Celiac/gluten intolerance, anemia, and asthma. But I don’t know for sure because I haven’t had a doctor since I was going to the pediatrician. And even if I did, can’t afford it. 

So I’ve just been getting sicker and sicker. I was 125 pounds in January of this year. 11 months later, and I’m down to 108.5 the last time I checked. I think the lowest I hit was 107, and that was all 6 months after the weight loss started. There’s times it’ll go back up, but I can’t get past 110 or 111 tops. Neighbors who used to live down the road came to visit earlier this week, and all the lady could say was how skinny I got. I’m like yeah, malnourishment’ll do that to you. 

And to make things worse, my dad at some point went back to the garage and was working again, so things were slightly better. I say slightly in the loosest way possible. But, just after Christmas last year, my dad quit again. I’ve seen him apply to 1 job and go to 1 interview in the year since. Other than that, he’s been collecting scrap and doing shit for people who refuse to pay, including the landlord. In the last 7 or 8 months, despite how many times I’ve told him that my refund checks from the school aren’t free money I can spend however I want, my dad’s made me spend it. The $5,000 I had that was supposed to set me ahead for my student loans are gone. And I’m $5,000 deeper in the hole than I should be. Which means instead of being like $45 or 50 grand in debt I’m about $55 grand. 

Then, because we haven’t had electricity in almost 4 years, and with the mold problem, everything in the house is ruined. We had only cold water, and I took cold showers for as long as I could. But last winter, the shower pipes froze and burst. So even if I wanted to, I can’t do that. Plus, because we can’t use the washer and dryer, or hook up a generator thanks to the scumbag landlord, or afford a laundromat, our clothes have gone unwashed for over a year. Most of mine were sitting in the tub, which got filled with mold and bugs. I have practically no clothes left, with no way to wash them, and no way to shower unless I go to someone else’s house. And even when I do, I still don’t feel clean. Even after washing my hair 4 times or more. 

We were supposed to move into the place next door and tear this one down. But the landlord and my dad made a deal that he’d give it to us for the cost of the title transfer. Then suddenly, he wanted $600, then like $800 or $1,000. But he won’t stop asking about it, no matter how many times we tell him no. Him and his wife keep trying to say we’re $5,000 behind on rent which isn’t possible because with what rent is now, you can’t even get $5,000 as a total for a whole year, and this last year is the only time we fell behind because everything else was caught up. He gave us a bill full or errors. Payments that were made aren’t marked. Payments that weren’t made are. There’s random charges after the monthly rent cycle. Which I think are from when he was bitching about us paying the taxes for a place we didn’t even own and was still in his name. He told us we can’t run the generator for power because it was too loud. Though the noise ordinance here is 11, and it was always off by then. And when one of the neighbors asked how we were supposed to live, he told them it “Wasn’t his problem”. 

So when I started getting really sick, and unable to leave the house to go to Dunkin for school because I was too gross, the neighbors next door let us run an extension cord over to their place. Not a lot. Just enough for the light in the living room, the fan, a mini fridge, and to plug in my phone and computer. OH WANNA HEAR A GOOD ONE. THE LANDLORD TOLD MY DAD 3 SEPARATE TIMES IF I NEED TO PLUG IN MY COMPUTER TO GET A LANTERN. YES THE OLD FASHIONED OIL OR CANDLE TYPE LANTERN. WHICH YOU CAN TOTALLY PLUG AN ELECTRONIC COMPUTER INTO. So because of that, I was able to finish school and graduate in June. 

But, because I still can’t bathe or do laundry and have no clothes, I still can’t go to interviews. If I walked in with my arms, face, neck, and legs literally black from dirt, and reeking to high heaven, I’d fucking get laughed out of the place. My dad still refuses to get a real job and insists on hauling scrap or doing shit for people who won’t pay at all, or want to pay less than it’s worth. And guess what’s due this week? You got it, my first loan payment. 

I can’t figure out how much I have to pay, work on getting it lowered or delayed, or even access my account info because there’s an issue with my birthday apparently, and they can’t find it even though they have my name and social and keep emailing me. I’ve been telling him this for months, and he still won’t come with me to try and sort it out. Because what he needs has to taken care of then and there and everything else can fuck all. He blew up at me the other day about it, blaming me for going, leaving him with payments, for my mother walking out 20 years ago even though they hated each other, and pretty much for being born. Because he resents having to take care of kids he made the choice to have. Not like I asked to be born, and I’ve been wishing I was dead since I was 9, but whatever. 

Anyway. 

So, the neighbor’s dad was diagnosed with lung cancer over the summer. Like 2 weeks later, he was dead. And she’s struggling just as much. We’ve been trying to help her and she’s been trying to help us. But her ex was paying her rent and some of the other bills until she found a job because they have a young son. But he started refusing to do that, which I honestly wouldn’t be surprised it if was the landlord’s doing cause they were talking. And he was telling her to “pull the plug” on us. And his wife started harassing her about rent like 2 weeks after her father died. Then, she went to Domestic relations earlier this week and then like the day after she goes, her ex somehow gets an emergency custody on the little guy. They came for him yesterday. 

She’s most likely going to have to move, which means that we’ll be losing power and internet unless we can figure something out to get our power back on. But even then, the bill’s supposedly at least $1300, and that won’t fix the internet problem. 

So... Needless to say, if I disappear suddenly in the near future, that’s why. I don’t want to go. I’ve spent too much time here, made too many friends, and put too much work into my muses. But everything is going to shit all at once. It’s just been building and building for the last 3 years, especially the last year, but my dad refuses to see and do anything about it. Instead, he’d rather blame everything on me and expect me to fix it. As if my mental health wasn’t bad enough from childhood abuse and being sick and stressed all the time. Now I’m too fucking scared to leave the house. I haven’t been outside since the midterms when I went to vote. But I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen now. And I just wanted everyone to know that I love them. And even if I do disappear, I still plan on keeping my muses and coming back when I can. Granted Tumblr doesn’t die before then. In which case the only blog i’m worried about losing is Elizabeth’s because of all the worldbuilding, metas, and headcanons I’ve done.

[lastbluetardis]

And Baby Makes Three (4/6)

Here’s the next chapter! A day early, again, because I’m going back under the cone of science this weekend to work on a presentation that’s due Tuesday. Enjoy! (Also, note the change in the number of chapters. I apparently can’t keep it concise, so there’s going to be six chapters instead of five.)

Ten x Rose, Soulmates AU, Teen

With the decision to try for a baby made, James and Rose eagerly look forward to this newest chapter of their lives.

AO3 | TSP | FF | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 | Epilogue

James felt the bed dip as Rose crawled back in, and he rolled over to spoon against her. She opened her arms for him and cradled his head against her chest as he idly traced his fingers across her bulging belly.

“All right last night?” he asked, brushing his lips across the top of her breast. Rose had been restless for most of the night, tossing and turning and getting up to use the loo half a dozen times.

“Ainsley was quite active,” Rose admitted, grimacing as she felt her kick. “And I dunno… I’m exhausted, but I feel like I need to get up and move around and… and do something.”

“Sorry, love,” he said, rubbing his hand across her lower belly. “Perhaps it’s that nesting instinct we read about?”

“Maybe,” Rose sighed, idly stroking her fingers through his hair. “Whatever it is, it’s annoying. I hope the next month doesn’t pass like this.”

James hummed in sympathy and nuzzled closer to Rose, massaging her belly and enjoying the feel of his daughter moving strongly beneath his palm.

“Fancy breakfast in bed?” James asked, tilting his head up to look at Rose. “Before too long, those will have to be put on hold.”

“Yeah, that sounds nice,” Rose said. “You make the food while I shower?”

“It’s a deal,” James said, rolling out of bed to help Rose out too.

Twenty minutes later, James walked into their bedroom as Rose was rubbing a towel through her hair. His breath caught in his throat at the sight of her. Her top was pulled tight over her stomach, showing just how pregnant she was, and he thought—not for the first time—that he was the luckiest man in the universe to be able to call this gorgeous woman his.

“I can’t say I’ll miss being pregnant,” Rose said, tossing her towel into the hamper as she eased her way back into bed. She arranged the pillows behind her and leaned back against them, sighing in relief as she found a reasonably comfortable position.

“While you look stunning, I’ll have to agree,” James said, walking up to her to set their tray at the foot of their bed. “I am so eager to meet our little girl.”

He slid into bed beside her and pressed a kiss to his fingertips, which he rested on her stomach.

“Me too,” Rose said wistfully.

As they ate, they chatted idly about all of the baby stuff they’d accumulated over the last few months, trying to make sure they had everything they could possibly need for Ainsley.

“Up to doing anything today?” James asked, collecting their empty dishes. “Bit of shopping? Out for a walk? Visiting Dad or your mum?”

“I think I just want to stay in,” Rose said, wincing as she sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed.

“Everything all right?” he asked nervously.

“Just have to pee.” Rose sighed. “Again. And my back is killing me.”

James helped pull her to her feet and watched her shuffle off to the toilet.

He brought their dishes to the kitchen and filled the sink with hot, soapy water as he tried to think of something he and Rose could do today. Truthfully, Rose wasn’t the only one experiencing the nesting instinct; he, too, was getting anxious for their baby to arrive. He felt like they weren’t ready and that he needed to double check everything they had for Ainsley and make sure her crib was assembled properly and that they had enough clothes and nappies and blankets and toys and…

He heard Rose coming down the hall, and he forced himself to take a deep breath. If Rose saw how worked up he was getting, it would only set her off too.

Soothing himself with the knowledge that he and Rose had everything they needed for their daughter when she arrived next month, he returned his attention back to the plate in his hand. And if he or Rose thought of something in the next five weeks, it was a simple matter of running out to get it or ordering it online. They were completely ready.

“J-James?”

Chills shot up his spine at the terror and panic he heard in her voice, and he dropped the plate, ignoring the splattering of soapy water as he spun around towards Rose’s call of his name.

She was leaning against the doorframe with tears in her eyes and her hands cupped under her belly, half bent over. James’s leg started trembling so hard he feared they were about to give way under him when Rose whimpered, “James, something’s wrong.”

Oh, no, please, he begged, rushing over to his wife on numb legs.

“What is it?” he asked, frantically fluttering his hands around her belly. “What’s wrong?”

“I think I’m in labor,” she moaned as a cramp rippled through her. “I was on the loo, and I was bleeding, and then there was this fluid… I think my water broke… Oh, God, it’s too early!”

“Breathe, love,” James said faintly, trying to stay calm despite his racing heart. Their baby wasn’t due for another thirty-four days; she was too little yet. “I’ll get us to the hospital.”

James grabbed the duffle bag of clothes he and Rose had packed last week, grateful that they’d thought to do it so soon, before he ushered her to their car.

“Breathe, Rose,” he reminded as he heard her gasping with sobs. He reversed out of their driveway and sped through their neighborhood much faster than was safe as he made his way to the motorway. “Just breathe.”

“She’s not due yet,” Rose cried, wrapping her arms around her belly as though she could physically hold Ainsley inside of her until her due date. “She’s not supposed to be here ‘til Christmastime!”

“She’ll be fine, love,” James said, assuring Rose as much as himself. His brain frantically scanned for the facts he’d absorbed about their baby’s development at the age she was now, but he couldn’t seem to think past his panic. “She’s thirty-five weeks. She’s far enough along that she’ll be okay. She’ll be fine. She’ll be perfect.”

James took her hand and gave it a squeeze, praying with every fiber of his being that what he was saying would hold true.

They were admitted to the hospital as soon as they arrived and were taken to a private room.

A doctor examined Rose and told them that everything looked good, that both baby and mother were healthy; the baby just seemed to want to be born early, as evidenced by Rose already being five centimeters dilated.

James clung to the doctor’s proclamation that his wife and daughter were okay, and used that to act calm for Rose, who was still in tears.

“Shh, it’ll be all right, love,” James whispered, sitting on the bed beside her and opening his arms for her. She leaned into them and the dam broke as she sobbed into his chest.

“Breathe, love,” he whispered, rubbing her back and pressing kisses to the top of her head. “Just breathe. You heard the doctor. Everything is fine. Our daughter is just a wee bit impatient, is all.”

“Gets that from you,” Rose sniffled, forcing herself to match her inhales with her husband’s.

The rest of Rose’s labor progressed quickly, and the next several hours passed in a blur of blood, sweat, tears, and much less screaming than James was expecting. He remained by Rose’s side and held her hand as she pushed their daughter into the world.

Finally, only six and a half hours after Rose had walked into their kitchen and scared him half to death, a writhing, bloody, screaming baby was held up for them to see. The doctor efficiently cleared out her nose and mouth and wiped her down with a towel before setting the baby on Rose’s chest.

James’s ears were ringing and he squeezed Rose’s hand tightly as he looked at the tiny pinkish-purplish body of his daughter. His daughter! His little Ainsley. And she really was little. A lump lodged in his throat as he watched her flail her arms but quiet down as Rose rested her hand on her back. She looked so small and fragile, and he was responsible for protecting her and keeping her safe. A hot swell of love and protectiveness bubbled up in his chest and he wanted to scoop their baby up and hold her close because there couldn’t possibly be a safer place for her than in his or Rose’s arms.

“Cut the cord, Dad?”

A pair of medical scissors were handed to him, and he froze.

“It won’t hurt her,” the nurse assured, seeing the tension in his shoulders. “I promise. Right here, if you please.”

James settled the shears where the nurse indicated, and he clamped down. It took more force than he would have expected, and he glanced at Ainsley as soon as he cut through, to make sure he really hadn’t hurt her, even though he logically knew that her umbilical cord had no nerves in it.

He wrapped his arm around Rose’s shoulder and leaned down until his cheek was resting on the top of Rose’s head.

“She’s beautiful,” James whispered, hovering a trembling finger over his daughter’s cheek. “Oh, Rose, she’s beautiful!”

Rose sniffled, but she was grinning. She leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to their daughter’s forehead, and James followed with a kiss of his own.

“I’m going to borrow her for just a few minutes,” the nurse cooed, before lifting the baby off of Rose’s chest. “Just gonna take her to get measured and checked over.”

“Is she all right?” James asked, keeping Ainsley in his sight as the nurse took her to a table at the far end of the room.

“Appears to be,” the nurse answered, setting Ainsley on an examination table. “Just routine checks. Height, weight, blood pressure. Things like that. Just double checking to make sure she’s as healthy as she looks. I promise, you can have her back in just a little while.”

James nodded and turned his attention to his wife.

“You did so good,” he whispered, leaning down to embrace her. He held her fiercely, feeling overwhelmed and emotional. “Oh, Rose, I’m so proud of you!”

Rose beamed at him as she held him just as tightly.

“Our baby is here,” she giggled, tears still shining in her eyes.

“I know! And she’s so perfect.”

Another nurse interrupted them then, instructing Rose on delivering the placenta.

Rose grimaced, not particularly feeling like pushing ever again, but the nurse assured her it would be fairly quick and easy. Well, mostly. With the initial euphoria of holding her little girl worn off, Rose was displeased to find she was still experiencing cramping-like contractions.

“It’s to help deliver the placenta, then to help your uterus shrink back to size,” the nurse assured. “They should go away in a few days or so.”

Once the afterbirth was delivered, Rose was checked over by the doctor, then cleaned up by the nurses.

James held her hand tight, knowing that it was protocol for mother and baby to be given complete checkups after birth, but it still made him anxious to see hospital personnel surrounding his wife and daughter.

Rose could plainly see his distress, so she squeezed his fingers and brought his knuckles to her lips for a kiss. He smiled down at her in gratitude, and rubbed his thumb across her fingers.

“And here she is,” the nurse with Ainsley announced, holding a bundle of white and pink striped blankets in her arms. “Does Dad want a turn?”

James glanced down at Rose, and she smiled encouragingly and nodded for him to take their baby.

He held his arms out awkwardly, unsure of how to properly hold her and support her, but as soon as the warm weight of his baby was placed into his arms, he felt himself shift his grip almost without realizing it until Ainsley was cradled to his chest.

“Hello, my darling,” he murmured, feeling his eyes sting as his daughter blinked blearily up at him with dark, murky blue eyes. “I’m your Daddy. I’m so happy to see you, my precious darling. Here, look. Here’s Mummy.” James leaned his bum against Rose’s bed and turned so Rose could also see her. She traced a fingertip across Ainsley’s plump cheeks as James continued speaking softly to their daughter. “Mummy took such good care of you these last eight months. Should’ve been nine, you know. You really scared Mummy and Daddy today. But no matter. You’re here, and you’re absolutely perfect.”

James pressed a kiss to Ainsley’s forehead, and the feel of her soft, warm skin beneath his lips was so intoxicating, he did it again.

A little while later, the nurses gathered around Rose to help her stand so they could be transported to a private recovery room.

James stood to the side with Ainsley still in his arms, and he was torn between cuddling his daughter and helping his wife.

“If you give her to me, you can help Rose, and she’ll follow along after you in a few minutes?” the nurse suggested, holding her arms out.

James nodded, and pressed a parting kiss to Ainsley’s brow before he handed her off.

“I’ve got you, love,” he said, skipping to Rose’s side to help steady her as she attempted to stand. “Easy does it. Feel all right?”

“Bit sore,” she groaned, wincing as she stood up from the bed.

James held out his arm for her, and she took it gratefully. He wrapped his other arm around her back as she held on tight to him and the nurse on her other side, and attempted her first step forward.

It was slow going, but they eventually made it to the room they would occupy for the next day or two as Rose started to heal. She sank down onto the bed gratefully, and bit her lip on a wince as she adjusted herself until she was in the least uncomfortable position.

“All right?” James asked anxiously, smoothing her hair back from her forehead.

“Yeah, thanks,” she said, then she glanced around the room. “Where’s Ainsley?”

“She’s on her way,” the nurse assured. “Dad, you may want to go fetch your overnight bag from your car now.”

James was reluctant to leave her side, but he knew it was a good idea to get their bags. He nearly sprinted to the carpark and back, eager to return to his family and not miss a minute of time with his daughter.

When he entered the room again a few minutes later, Ainsley was there, and Rose had her in her arms and was attempting to get her to latch onto her breast. A nurse was coaxing both mother and baby, and showing Rose how to best position Ainsley and her breast for feeding.

“Oh!” Rose gasped suddenly, and she grinned at James. “She’s got it!”

“Smartest girl in the world,” he proclaimed, beaming at his family. He set their bag in the corner of the room, and walked up to them.

“As I was telling Rose, you’ve got a perfectly healthy baby,” the nurse said, smiling down at the new family. “I know she’s early, but apart from being a little smaller than the average newborn, she’s fine. Your doctor may have simply gotten the due date a bit wrong—it’s difficult to tell sometimes—because she’s as healthy as any other newborn. She weighed in at 2.49 kilograms and is 45.02 centimeters. You’ve got yourself a healthy little girl.”

“Thanks,” James whispered, even as his eyes were focused on his daughter, and the sucking motion of her jaw and the way her palm was splayed across Rose’s chest and her eyes were drooping as she looked up at Rose.

He reached out and stroked her little fingers before wiggling his index finger under her palm, and grinned when she immediately wrapped her fingers around it. He leaned down and pressed a delicate kiss to the back of her hand.

Ainsley unlatched after only five minutes, and Rose glanced worriedly at the nurse.

“She can’t be done yet, can she?”

“Offer her your other breast,” the nurse suggested. “But keep in mind, this is the first time Ainsley has had to actively do something to feed herself. She might be tired. Or she might be full already. She’s never had anything in her belly before.”

But Ainsley wanted nothing to do with Rose’s breasts, so Rose instead positioned her against her shoulder and rubbed and patted her back gently and was rewarded with a slight hiccupping burp.

“I’ll leave you three alone for a bit,” the nurse said. “Ring me if you need something.”

When they were finally alone, James carefully settled himself into the bed beside Rose, trying not to jostle her or Ainsley too much. He wrapped his arm around Rose’s shoulders and rested his cheek on the top of her head as he looked down at the pink, sleeping face of their daughter.

“She’s so perfect,” he murmured reverently, tracing his fingertip across her cheek.

“Yeah, she is,” Rose whispered, resting her lips against Ainsley’s forehead, relishing the feel of her baby’s soft, warm skin.

“Oh, blimey!” James exclaimed softly.

“What?”

“We haven’t even told Dad or Jackie!” He rooted around in his pocket and fished out his phone. “On a scale of one to ‘I’m dead’, how furious would your mum be if I sent her a photo of the three of us? She wanted to be here for the birth, after all.”

“Just because that’s what she wanted doesn’t mean that’s what was gonna happen,” Rose snorted, recalling the spats she’d been getting into with her mum recently about why Rose only wanted James with her in the delivery room. As she stroked Ainsley’s cheek, all of her arguments with her mum during her pregnancy seemed so daft all of a sudden. “So, I’d wager somewhere between a seven and a smack on the head.

“Enh, I’ll take my chances,” James shrugged, opening his camera app. “She won’t slap me if I’m holding her granddaughter. Smile, love.”

Rose positioned Ainsley so that her face would be in the shot as James cuddled closer and raised his phone out in front of them for their first family selfie.

“Beautiful!” he breathed, looking at the photo of his two favorite girls.

“I look like shite,” Rose chuckled, raking her eyes over her mussed hair and splotchy cheeks and the dark bags under her eyes.

“You’re beautiful,” James said, scanning his eyes over the stunning, radiant smile of the woman who just brought their daughter into the world. “You’ve never been more beautiful to me, because you’ve just given me the most precious gift I could’ve ever wanted.”

He pressed his lips to her temple before leaning back against her bed with her as he sent his dad and Jackie a photo of their early arrival.

“Want to take bets on how long it’ll take for them to call?” James asked.

“Oh, definitely within the next thirty seconds,” Rose said. “At least for my mum.”

His phone started vibrating in his hand, and he saw the photo of Jackie and Rose that was his contact photo for his mother-in-law.

“Told ya,” Rose teased.

He rolled his eyes but answered the phone.

He could barely get out a ‘hello’ before Jackie screeched, “Why didn’t you tell me Rose had gone into labor, you plum?!”

“Hello to you, too, Jackie,” James said dryly. “Sorry about that, but Ainsley didn’t give us much warning either, if that helps.”

“When did Rose go into labor? When was she born? You said she wasn’t due until next month! Is everyone okay? Can I come by?”

“Rose went into labor this morning around nine,” James replied. “The baby was born about an hour ago. She wasn’t supposed to be due until next month, but I guess she decided to impart her presence upon us early. They’re both perfectly healthy. You’ve still got a few hours until visiting hours end, if you’d like to pop by.”

“I’m on my way,” Jackie said. “Oh, this is such a surprise!”

“Yeah, imagine how we feel,” James muttered. His phone beeped in his ear, indicating another incoming call. He moved his phone away from his ear to glance at the screen, and when he saw his dad’s name, he said, “Oh, Jackie, gotta go. My dad’s calling. See you in a bit. Bye!”

James fumbled with his phone and accepted his dad’s call.

“James, that’s not Ainsley, is it?”

He grinned and said, “Yup! Little madam was a tad impatient.”

“Blimey,” Robert breathed. “Congratulations, mate! And Rose! Oh, this is wonderful news!”

Rose smiled when she heard her name. She leaned over and rested her head on James’s shoulder and said, “Thanks, Dad! Are you gonna come visit us?”

“D’you want me to?”

“Of course!” James squawked. “S’not every day your granddaughter is born! Besides, Jackie’s on her way over and with Rose out of commission, I need you to be a buffer.”

“Oi!” Rose smacked his chest as Robert laughed in his ear.

“Then I’ll be there shortly,” Robert said.

James hung up the phone and turned it on silent before setting it on the bedside table. He turned back to his wife and baby, and something deep in his chest ached to cuddle with his daughter again.

“Can-can I have a turn?” he asked softly.

“’Course,” Rose said, sitting up to better transition the baby. “You don’t need to ask. She’s ours. Yours and mine.”

“Well, it’s not good form to just yank her out of your arms, is it?” James said dryly. “And-and I’ve read… I’ve read about the importance of mother-baby bonding and all that. S’crucial within the first few hours. Didn’t want to interrupt.”

“James, I want you to bond with her too,” Rose said firmly, passing off the baby. “Father-baby bonding is equally as important. Don’t sell yourself short. She wants you so much already. Look.”

James brought Ainsley to his chest, but her little nose wrinkled and a furrow appeared in her brow as she was jostled. He shushed her softly and pecked a kiss to her cheek, but she continued squirming and grunting, and James watched in awe as she wriggled her way up until her face was tucked into the crook of his neck. She let out a deep sigh and clenched her hand around the fabric of his jumper before drifting back to sleep.

“I love you, my sweet Ainsley,” he whispered, relishing the feeling of her skin against his. “Always, my darling.”

Rose rested her hand on his thigh and gave it a squeeze.

“I love you, James.”

James glanced down at Rose, who was beaming up at him. He couldn’t help but return her smile, and he opened his other arm for her. She snuggled up against him and rested her head on his shoulder as exhaustion washed over her.

“Sleep, love,” James urged, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

“Mum and Dad’ll be here soon,” Rose mumbled.

“They’ll understand,” James whispered. “It’s been a hell of a day. You’ve earned a bit of a kip.”

Rose yawned, and a moment later, James felt her relax and fall into a shallow sleep.

An hour later, a quiet knock sounded on the door. Rose blearily blinked open her eyes, and smiled sleepily when her mum and Robert poked their head into the room.

“Feeling up to visitors, sweetheart?” Jackie asked, already walking into the room with her eyes fixed on the bundle in James’s arms.

“For a bit,” Rose said. She really was exhausted and her whole body ached.

“We won’t stay long, darling,” Robert said, walking into the room behind Jackie. “I know you need to rest.”

“Is that her?” Jackie asked.

“Nah, I figured I’d let the nurses keep my daughter and I’d look after someone else’s,” James dead-panned.

“Oi!” Jackie said. “If you weren’t holding my granddaughter, you’d be getting a smack. Lemme see her, you plum.”

James lowered her down from his shoulder so her face was now on display. Ainsley wrinkled her nose and whimpered in displeasure as she tried to wriggle her face closer to James’s warmth.

“Such a Daddy’s girl already,” Jackie noted.

James beamed brightly.

“Can Gran have a turn with her?” Jackie asked, holding out her arms.

James pressed a kiss to Ainsley’s forehead before carefully handing the baby to Jackie.

“Careful with her head,” he said automatically as soon as her neck was no longer cradled in his hands.

“Done this before, y’know,” Jackie said dryly.

James coughed as his cheeks warmed. “Right. Sorry.”

“New dad fears,” Robert assured him. “Your mother and I could barely put you down the first week we brought you home.”

James settled back against the bed with Rose, and noticed how utterly exhausted she looked. Her eyes were barely focused and she was nodding off against his chest. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and made himself comfortable before urging her to rest against him.

“Congratulations, darling,” Robert whispered, pressing a light kiss to Rose’s forehead.

Rose smiled sleepily at him and opened her arms for a hug. Robert leaned down and gently embraced his daughter-in-law.

“Congratulations, mate,” he said to James, leaning over Rose to hug his son. “You’ve made a beautiful baby.”

“She is, isn’t she?” Jackie cooed, bouncing the baby lightly. “Does Grandad want a turn next?”

Robert smiled shyly and nodded, holding his arms out for the baby. She woke up on the transfer, but stayed quiet as she blinked up at her grandad.

“Hello, there, darling,” he murmured, brushing his finger up her cheek, across her eyebrows, then down her other cheek. She’d worked a hand free of her swaddle of blankets, and Robert tucked his finger inside her grip. “Aren’t you the most precious thing I’ve ever seen? Eh? Such a beautiful girl you are. And so loved, darling, so loved.”

A knock on the door heralded a nurse, and she smiled softly at the family in the room.

“How are you feeling, Rose?” the nurse asked, coming in and fluttering her hands across Rose’s body.

“Knackered,” she said bluntly.

“Yeah, you will be for a while as your body heals,” the nurse said sympathetically.

“And I kind of need the loo,” she admitted, but the thought of moving was utterly unappealing.

“Well, that’s why I’m here,” the nurse said. “Come on, up you get. As slowly as you need to.”

James moved off the bed and was about to help Rose stand, but Jackie beat him to it.

“I got her,” Jackie said. “Don’t you worry.”

James nodded and watched Rose hobble to the attached bathroom. He looked at the latched loo door and exhaled raggedly, his own exhaustion suddenly catching up to him.

“Been a hell of a day, hasn’t it?” Robert asked, stepping up beside James.

James turned to him and watched Ainsley tighten and loosen her hold on Robert’s finger as her nose and eyes scrunched in a yawn. A lump grew in his throat as the panic he’d felt since nine o’clock that morning finally hit.

“James?” Robert asked, seeing how pale James went.

“I was so scared, Dad,” he whispered. “Rose just came into the kitchen and told me something was wrong, and I’d never been so scared in my life!”

“Whoa, mate, breathe,” his dad said. Robert shuffled his hold on the baby to free up a hand, and he rubbed his hand up and down James’s back. “It all worked out, though. You’ve got a beautiful little girl, James. And a healthy wife. Everything and everyone is okay. Here. See for yourself.”

Robert handed the baby back to James, who automatically cradled her close. His heart pounded in his chest as Ainsley burrowed her little face into his neck and gripped his shirt tightly in her fingers. He nuzzled his nose into her downy hair and brushed kisses across her skin as he closed his eyes against his panic. Yes, she was utterly perfect.

“James?”

He inhaled deeply when he heard Rose’s call and plastered on a smile before turning to face her.

“You all right?” she asked softly, walking up to him and wrapping her arm around his waist.

“Yeah,” he whispered, pressing a long kiss to her temple. “Been a long day, is all.”

She stared at him critically for a moment before she looped her hand around the back of his neck and tugged him down for a chaste kiss.

“I love you,” she whispered. “You and our daughter.”

“I love you, too,” he murmured, swaying from side to side as Ainsley let out a mewling whimper.

“Right, it’s getting late,” Robert said, shooting Jackie a quick glance. “We’ll let you two get some rest. If you’re up for it, we can stop by tomorrow afternoon?”

“Sounds good,” Rose said, walking up to Robert for a hug. “Thanks for coming.”

“Of course,” he whispered, holding her tight. He pressed a kiss to her temple and said, “Go on, get some sleep. You’ve earned it. And congratulations, darling. Ainsley is beautiful.”

Rose grinned and looked over at her husband and baby.

Robert helped guide her back to her bed and situated her pillows as she settled down.

“See you tomorrow,” he said, kissing her forehead one last time before walking up to James. “You too, mate. Get some rest.”

Robert kissed James’s cheek and stroked Ainsley’s hand before he waited by the door for Jackie.

Once their parents left, James pressed a kiss to Ainsley’s forehead and settled her in her cot so she could sleep and he could cuddle with his wife and hopefully nap for a bit too.

“Are you really okay?” Rose asked, staring critically at him.

“I will be,” he promised, nuzzling his nose against her temple. “It’s just… I was terrified, Rose. I was so scared for you and for Ainsley this morning, and I’m still a little on edge.”

“We’re fine, James,” she soothed, urging him to tuck his head against her collarbone. “We’re both fine.”

“Yeah,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around his wife.

“Get some sleep, love,” Rose murmured, pressing kisses to the top of his head. “Who knows when she’ll next be up.”

Her heartbeat echoed in his ear, and he let the feel of her fingers through his hair and her arm around his shoulders comfort him. He still felt shaken from the events of the day, but he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and felt his muscles gradually relax under her touch until he was able to fall asleep.

Conversions, if you need/want them: 2.49 kilograms = 5.49 pounds 45.02 centimeters = 17.72 inches

[survivinglifescurveballs]

Real lessons of motherhood

I say things I never thought I would

“Take the plastic bag off of your head,” I said to my seven-year-old son.

 “Why?”

 “Because you can suffocate and die. How many times have I told you not to put plastic bags over your head?”

 “A lot.”

 Are my kids the reason for these ridiculous warning labels? Heavy sigh.

 The weirdest things come out of their mouths too

Dominic-isms at ten-years-old 

“What is shampoo?”

 "Could you pass the Parmesan and ..." stops to read label "Roman cheese".

 “I am going to get my Valentine a box of cigarettes.” He was thinking chocolates, but looking at a stop-smoking billboard.

 Xander-isms at seven-years-old

"Three thousand, million, dillion dollars. That's how much money I want and I also want everything to be free...for our whole family. Then Papaw and Grandma Fran could get everything they want."

"I want a 16-hour delay, but I don't want to miss lunch".

"Cookies aren't protein?"

Grocery success depends on your entourage

When my children were small enough to be contained in the cart for our entire shopping trip I could read labels, compare pricing, succumb to my own impulse buys. But then as they grew they no longer stayed in the cart and grocery shopping turned into a sick game of “don’t touch that,” “please stop running and sliding on your knees down the aisles,” “watch behind you,” and “no, we are not getting chocolate peanut butter dip.”

Now, when I walk into the grocery store, I secretly think may the odds be forever in your favor to my fellow shoppers.

Self-checkout is the worst

If you have children old enough to be outside the cart, self-checkout becomes more of an intense game of simultaneously scanning groceries while keeping them away from the scale with a live audience of all the shoppers impatiently waiting behind you. Why yes, yes I am self-checking an entire cart of groceries because for whatever reason my grocery store has no cashier lanes open.

To add insult to injury, who is the sadistic jerk that thought advertising candy at children’s eye level in the self-checkout lane was smart? Newsflash, it’s not smart, it’s evil. Instead of succumbing to your marketing tactics I am leaving with a crying child and right temple that may very well explode at any moment.

Pick-up or delivered groceries are from heaven

Amazon pantry started it all for me with delivering shelf-stable pantry staples to my door, but then Kroger one-upped Amazon when they offered their click-list service. Now I can order everything I need online and pull up to the store where some wonderful human loads my car up for me. I don’t even need to get out to help or to pay. They bring the iPad to me to swipe and sign. Then I just drive away, can you believe it? It’s like something out of a fairytale. No more self-checkout, no more candy aisle, my kids stay strapped into their seatbelts and we accomplish what we set out to do easy breezy lemon squeezy.

Blissfully enjoy the baby bubble

When I brought Dominic, my first child, home from the hospital I collapsed into tears because I was terrified. The weight of the world, his world, was now on my shoulders and would remain there until he grew into an adult. The magnitude and depth of this responsibility were incredible and I did not think I was capable.

Coupled with the fear was also amazement. Each time I looked at his tiny bird-like legs, his soft blue eyes, his bald wrinkly head I felt pure awe. The movement of his breath was rhythmic, chest up, chest down. Here sat a being, a human that had grown within me, with a beating heart and blinking eyes. It was a miracle, he was (and still is) my miracle. How is this even possible? I would ask myself over and over.

Nothing mattered outside of Dominic. My world revolved around meeting his needs. Rocking him as the soft hairs from his head tickled my neck, breathing in his scent, filled with more love than I ever knew possible. This is the bubble, treasure these moments. You may have other children, but the baby bubble will never be the same.

Parties in the early afternoon suck

I am the oldest grandchild in my family and naturally, I was the first to purchase a house, get married, and to have a baby. My family came to all of these celebrations. As my cousins got older I was also invited to all of their celebrations and I wanted nothing more than to go. Every invitation I received was for one or two-o-clock in the afternoon.

This is right in the middle of nap time.

Naively I went to the first few parties, skipping my son’s nap. It was utter hell. He was whiny, mean, and wild throughout the entire party, but it did not stop there. His crap behavior carried over into the evening right up until bedtime.

That’s when I decided the price was too high. It was just not worth the horror of missing the nap. I was embarrassed and stressed, my hosts probably wondered what kind of demon I was raising and both of us wished I just would have stayed home. So know that I love you, am proud of you, and are with you in spirit.

If you hurt my child I will hunt you down

No one will ever love my child like I do. My love is deep, fierce, and unyielding. There is something incredibly special about a mother’s love for her child. This is impossible to understand until you become a mother.

This is not to dismiss the love of a father or future spouse. Those relationships are just as important however they are different.

William Congreve said, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” I say… nothing. Instead, I quietly stalk my prey like a mother tigress and pounce when the time is right because if you hurt my child you deserve no warning.

Facebook is full of lies

Helpful hint, no one has it all together, everyone has different struggles, some are just better at hiding it than others. We all see her, the beautiful mom who seems to have it all figured out. She posts pictures of outings with smiling, well dressed, clean children. We are happy for her, but begin to wonder if we are as good a mother.

STOP RIGHT THERE!

That photo took one second. ONE. SECOND!

Think back on today. Can you remember one second that was picture perfect? I know you can. The problem is not your mothering. The problem is the question, Am I as good as X?

Parenting is messy, full of self-doubt and we are all learning as we go. Some days I have it all together, but most days I don’t.

Dr.Seuss said it best.

Parent YOUR way, teach lessons to YOUR children that are important to YOU. We are all different, including each one of our children and our differences should be celebrated. It’s YOU your kids love, not that other mom. So go mom like only you can!

Pinterest is full of fairytales

Have you ever tried to recreate something you found on Pinterest? Yeah, did it turn out like the picture? No? Same for me, every time I try.

Comparing your first attempt to someone’s best is like comparing your karate moves to a black belt’s. Yours will probably not be as good, but with practice and patience, I’m willing to bet it could get better.

The moral of the story here is keep it all in perspective and maybe try that new Pinterest thing a few times before debuting it at your next holiday celebration.

Prevention is the key to toddlerhood survival

Put everything out of reach and be aware that everything is climbable. The world is basically a giant jungle gym playground and all things, literally, every single thing goes into their mouths.

Some of my mom friends were determined to teach their toddlers self-control.

Well, if my friends are doing it, maybe I should give it a go.

Every few minutes my toddler would grab something that posed a possible threat and shove it right into his mouth. Up, down, up down, like a little game every time I sat down he would get into something that I would need to take away.

I was way too tired for that.

Instead, I de-cluttered my house and got rid of anything that was not toddler-friendly. Basically, my house was decorated with baby gates, Disney themed plastic toys, and pictures of my kiddos hanging on the walls. All cleaners, self-care items, toxic or messy products were put on the top shelf of closets.

One time I left my shave gel out…

Another time I left the baby powder down…

Danger lurks everywhere

Before I had kids I thought I protected myself from danger pretty well, but now I see the possibility of death in just about every activity.

 “Mom, can I help dad mow the lawn?” Sure, go ahead and flip the mower on yourself and lose a limb.

“Mom, can we go to the zoo today?” Will today be the day one of the tigers gets loose or my kid wanders into a bear enclosure?

People learn through experience, yes I know that. I also appreciate the significance of learning from cause and effect. As long as there is no emergent danger (life or limb) I release the boys from my cocoon of safety so that they may gain the necessary experience.

I am also the mom frantically waving my children and husband closer when they have floated too far from the beach thinking of sharks, jellyfish, muscle cramps, undertow, etc. It’s all about balance, right? I balance irrational fear with measured risk taking like any good mom.

You are all your kids need

Overthinking is one of my best and worst character traits. I love to think about everything not in any kind of skilled way but just meander through my own messy mind. It’s interesting what floats around in there, the imagined possible outcomes to different scenarios (see above, danger lurks everywhere), the fascination of the simplest joys (enjoy the baby bubble), the ease at which self-doubt creeps in (facebook is full of lies). Do you know what I have learned from all that analyzing?

All my boys really want and need is my undivided attention. Still, at seven and ten-years-old they want to be near me, to hug me, to wrap up in a blanket with me in the evenings while we watch Animal Planet or Nat Geo.

Toys, trips, trinkets are all just fluff. It’s me they want. And that works out pretty great because they are all I have ever wanted. So let’s go mom the only way we know how, in our own special, unique way.

----------

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[yourrainycollectorhologram-blog]

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i'm taking a semester off (enrolled in college but not currently attending) and i just graduated h.s. and my dental insurance cut off my moms plan. They discovered 2 cavities and they i'd like to get them taken care of before i go away to college is there anywhere i could go for cheaper or that would accet paymnet plans at a semi-affordable price?

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Im not totaly clear how and why exactly obama care is going to hike the cost of insuring employees. And are employers the only ones being effected by this new law mandating them buy health insurance for the federal goverment?

How much does it cost to get a $1 Million Insurance policy for a film?

Approximately how much would it cost to obtain a $1 Million Dollar Insurance Policy for a feature film shoot? No fancy stunts or explosions, a few car scenes with car mounts, shooting on the RED camera with a 5-ton grip truck. Any ideas? All the websites that give quotes make you fill out a lot of information to obtain a quote from a representative. I just need an estimate.""

""How much do people pay (per month, year etc) for car insurance?

The price can be per month year etc.

How can I get prenatal insurance?

I live in Iowa and I am pregant my bday is in four days il be 18. I don't have health insurance I live with my bf. I could marry him and have insurance but I want to explore all options but I need. Health insurance what all can I do?

Can i borrow from my life insurance policy?

Can i borrow from my life insurance policy?

Can an uninsured person get affordable dental care?

I have a deep cavity in my tooth. It's really starting to hurt me. I know it needs drilled and filled, but I barely make enough money to pay bills, let alone dental care. My job doesn't offer dental insurance, either. Is there anything I can do?""

How can I report my neighbors for not having car insurance?

How can I report my neighbors for not having car insurance? My neighbors were both laid off from their jobs about three months ago. Earlier last week one confided in me that they were unable to pay for their car insurance and that they didn't know what they were going to do. I didn't take action then, because they were not working and rarely took their car out. However, the husband recently found employment and he has been driving the car EVERY DAY for the past week. They are nice people and we get along great, so it pains me that I have to do this. Who can I report this to? Should I just call the police station? Is there a way for me to verify that they were unable to pay for their car insurance (they were way behind in bills, so I doubt they covered it)""

Which is the Best insurance in child plan?

Which is the Best insurance in child plan?

Why we need car insurance ?

I'm 20 and my car is 2010 Nissan Altima, my insurance company told me to pay 190 every month, I agreed but later I found the are asking for 220 then 250 for no reason and no ticktes so I cancled my insurance with them and now I'm driving for tow years without insurance and save $6000 from the car insurance,, I never pulled over by police never have one scratch on my car even I traveled to NY and LA more than 4 times ! Why I need car insurance? You do think the person should have the right to choose if he need insurance or not ?""

Where's a good place to go if  have cavaties and no dental insurance at the moment?

i'm taking a semester off (enrolled in college but not currently attending) and i just graduated h.s. and my dental insurance cut off my moms plan. They discovered 2 cavities and they i'd like to get them taken care of before i go away to college is there anywhere i could go for cheaper or that would accet paymnet plans at a semi-affordable price?

If i was to buy a 1.4litre car would my insurance be cheaper than what it is just now?

I am driving a 1.6litre at the moment

How much is it likely to cost as a first time driver on familys car insurance?

Im nearly ready to take my driving test in a couple of month or so. Im 25 and hoping to pass first time in sept/oct 2012. My sister and also my brother in law are due to re-insure there cars in the next few months and are thinking about putting me on there insurance on either car fiat 500 or nisan micra. I will be not driving either car full time, just as and when. How much is it likelyto cost on top there normal insurance. Both have been driving for years with no claims as far as i know. Bit just an average amount will bw great""

What used vehicle has the lowest insurance costs?

What used vehicle has the lowest insurance costs?

What is the cheapest car insurance for someone just turning 17.?

I am turning 17 in a few days and want to know what is the cheapest amount i can get car insurance for myself. I have a Peugeot 206 LX 2002 1.1 and want to insure it for a full uk license, where is the best place to do this? Thanks""

What happens if your car is totaled in an accident and the Insurance company wants to pay less than you owe?

The guy that hit my car was at fault and cited by the police. Now his Insurance company wants to total my acr and give me 1300 less than i owe. This seems wrong.

Car accident insurance?

Today someone backed into my car while parked damaging it. We exchanged insurance info and I called my insurance company and let them know and gave them his info. Does he still have the option to pay the for the damages in cash or does he have to go through insurance now that i let them know. He didn't specify if he wanted to go through insurance or pay in cash. I just want to know if i eliminated his option of paying in cash by calling my insurance. I feel bad if that's the case.

How much would insurance cost?

How much would insurance be if I bought a Mustang GT or GT Premium coupe with a 4.6L V8 and 260hp? I'm 15 and in driver's ed, one of the best in class, I make all A's in school, if that matters, and I'd prefer an estimate for liability and full coverage. By the way, I'm a good driver, I'm more concerned with driving smooth than driving fast. I want a Mustang GT because my friend has one and I love it. It would be a 2000-2004 model and I live in Alabama""

Can student loans cover health insurance?

I am attending University and I do not agree with the Health Insurance my University provides. The semester expense is $1875 and it is applied to my tuition costs. Those costs are being covered by a mixture of scholarship and student loans. If I opt to purchase my own student health insurance through a different provider - can I pay for it with Student Loans?

Car Insurance in Northern NJ?

Hello, How much do a couple pay on an average for car insurance premiums in Northern NJ? I am insured with liberty mutual and my monthly commitment is close to $140, I have a clean driving history and no claims in the past. Culd you suggest how I cut down on my premiums? Also the best car insurance company in the tri state area.""

Is it true that 2-door-car more expensive to insure than 4-door-car?

For an example, civic coupe (2 doors) and civic sedan (4 doors). I heard that all 2-door-cars will be considered as a sport car. However, some people say that it is not always that way. I personally won't consider civic coupe as a sport car because I think it isn't. Can someone please clarify this matter to me? Also, which insurance company do you think is the best to insure your car? thank you!""

Cost of insurance for 2nd gen Toyota Mr2?

Would you pay a higher insurance on this car than a normal car? what about a turbo? I got an online insurance quote and it was about $600/year for liability and $1000/year for collision coverage, does this seem like a fair price? I'm almost 19 years old and have a clean drivers record.""

Can i sue my car insurance?

Can I sue my car insurance if they refuse to pay for my car damages

How much insurance costs for Yamaha YZF-R125?

for 21 old male as a learner in uk ..

HELP! With Car insurance??????

OK so I lost my license because I got caught driving without insurance in September 2010. I just passed my test today. When I'm checking the quotes, the cheapest I have managed to find was 7400 for 1 year. That is for a 1.1L Peugeot 206 Insurance group 3. They can't expect me to pay that much for insurance for 1 year, I will need a mortgage for that. Does anyone know how much insurance will increase by after getting 6 points? I'm 20 BTW!""

Can I claim for mechanical faults on my fully comp car insurance?

My car set on fire whilst I was driving it & as a result is a write off. My insurer is refusing to pay up as they claim its a mechanical fault. Is there anything I can do? Please help.

Will my auto insurance increase once I am off my parents policy?

I am currently driving a 2013 Chevy Cruze I just bought. I am a college student so for right now I am under my parents insurance policy and paying around 135 a month for the Cruze. The Cruze is titled under my name and I am the the primary driver. When I am out of school will my rate per month go up a lot when I get my own policy?

""With car insurance, its it cheaper to buy an older car (2004 make etc), than a newer car (2007 make etc)?""

With car insurance, its it cheaper to buy an older car (2004 make etc), than a newer car (2007 make etc)?""

What affordable health insurance is the best one out there for me? I have no health problems except BP I am 58?

I will be divorced in 2 months and will have to find my own health insurance. I have been with Anthem for 14 years and have no health problems and no medications except 1 blood ...show more

Car insurance question?

okay my boyfriend just got his drivers license today..he doesnt have a car yet and he wants to be able to drive my grandmas car to work whenever he can but she says he cant because hes not on her insurance. Does it matter whether or not hes on her insurance? what could happen?

Looking for car insurance in NY?

I am going to look around for quotes because I'm looking for a new car insurance plan. But honestly I don't really know what's out there besides Geico and State Farm. What other places should I look into? Thanks so much.

Best & cheapest car insurance?

Who is the cheapest but still good car insurance that you think...

Recommended Auto Insurance Coverage?

I'm just about to have to buy auto insurance for myself for the first time, and I have no idea what all of the different terms and numbers mean. What is the most commonly recommended auto insurance coverage?""

Which car insurance companies are cheapest for teen girls?

I am a girl going on 17 years old and I finally just got my license. Now my dad and I are looking for the cheapest plan in the cheapest insurance company to go on for my car insurance. Help?

Home insurance for high risk person?

A few months ago my dad had a fire at his house. In the middle of restorations, his insurance company dropped him. I'm not sure why they did, but I know my dad has really bad credit and was probably not very nice to whoever was handling his claim. He said that he is trying to get insurance, but can't find any. I'm wondering if it is because he is a high risk candidate and I am wondering where he can go to get insurance. I will probably be helping him with it from here on out, so I will need to know what kinds of things to say/look for. He is a reitred teacher and doesn't have a ton of money or assets, so I want to make sure he gets good coverage that he can afford. I'm not sure if this helps, but his dad was a veteran who died in a VA hospital when my dad was young. I keep seein things about insurance for family of veterans, but I know very little about it.""

Tricky Car Insurance Quotes?

Right, I am really at ends to get cheap car insurance... I'm probably an insurers nightmare: 17 years old, male, living in London, living with parents whilst at college etc... I've just qualified with a full UK licence, but the insurance for a '97 Saxo is 3500 and it only costs 300!!!! Anyone any ideas on how to get this down to about a grand or less? Or any suggestions for any good cars to insure a 17 year old on? :)""

Where's a good place to go if  have cavaties and no dental insurance at the moment?

i'm taking a semester off (enrolled in college but not currently attending) and i just graduated h.s. and my dental insurance cut off my moms plan. They discovered 2 cavities and they i'd like to get them taken care of before i go away to college is there anywhere i could go for cheaper or that would accet paymnet plans at a semi-affordable price?

What is a reputable insurance company that offers liability insurance for DJs?

I am looking to get started into the mobile DJ business although am wanting to find out what insurance company is the best.

How much will my insurance go up after dui in ny?

OK so i recently was caught for a DUI in NY state , i am under my sister's insurance (geico) and the car is in my name....i want to know how much will the insurance go up even though my sister never had a claim and i am under her...""

Can anyone recommend a good homeowner's insurer in Massachusetts? I was just dropped from Electric Insurance.

I would discourage anyone from using Electric Insurance (EI). EI is a small company with a VERY LOW risk threshold. I had EI homeowners and auto insurance for over 18 years. In all that time, I had one claim filed against me for less $2,500 when my 6 lb doggie gave the lawn guy a bite. EI would not renew my homeowners policy and waited 45 days before it expired to tell me. Months earlier, the claims adjuster assured me my policy would not be dropped for such a small claim of this type. Dont take a chance with EI""

Putting alloys on a car? any idea how much insurance would go up?

iv not long ago passed, paying 1100 on a 1.2 any idea? cheers LS""

Car insurance cost for a Infiniti g35 coupe?

I'm 18 and think of getting one, anyone know how much it might be? Oh and btw I live in Hawaii.""

What kind of insurance do you have to have on a car that your still paying on ?

will the car company let you get cheap insurance?

Auto insurance renewal?

Hello all, My current auto insurance is ending next month and the renewal form just came in. Coincidently, I was offered a better deal from another auto insurance that was less than half of what I currently am paying. I called and check and it was the same coverage. My question is that do I need to let them know that I will not renew my current auto insurance with them? This is my first time planning on switching and I would like to know if there is any penalties or anything in general I should worry about.""

Car Insurance on a 2007 Dodge Charger SXT?

I am a 17 year old guy and i was just wondering roughly how much insurance would be on this car. I know its probably really high i just wanted kind of a rough estimate ! -I have my G2 -I completed Drivers Ed -I live in Ontario -The car is used

What is the approximate cost of minimum coverage auto insurance in Ohio if you are young and drive a small car?

I know this depends on a lot of factors, but from the information given, just GUESS. How much? How much for someone that is about 22 years old, been driving since 17, never had an accident, never gotten a ticket.""

Car insurance nightmare!?

21 year old new driver, any type of practical car (e.g. pug 307 1.9d), car insurance is stupid money. As that is kind of expected, what I need help with is bringing down the price. Any suggestions? ...Also, it was cheaper last month than it is this month - substantially. Why?!""

Can my husband's employer to force him to pay for and enroll in company's insurance plan?

My husband received a letter from their corporate office stating that in 2014 all employees will have to enroll and pay premiums for health insurance on their plan and that if they ...show more

Should I accept a $500 settlement from an insurance company for a stiff neck suffered in a car accident?

I was a passenger in a car accident two weeks ago. My only injury is a stiff neck. The insurance company of the at-fault driver has offered me $500 to settle. Should I accept it or fight for more (for example, by threatening to sue)? Should I see a doctor and bill the insurance company for that, even though I wouldn't normally see a doctor for this injury? I'm not really concerned about the seriousness of the injury; the pain will probably go away eventually. I just want to get the amount of money I deserve.""

Cheapest insurance companies for 18 years old guy?

Hello, does any one know any cheap insurance for `18 years old boy. Im looking forward to buy: 1) vw polo 2001 1.0 2) skoda fabia 2001 1.0 3) Seat ibiza 2001 1.4 Thanks !!""

""Hi I'm 25, doing my test soon and I'm going to get my first car soon, looking at online insurance quotes...?""

... somehow the quotes show that the pass plus doesn't make any difference with the insurance, do you think I would have to phone the company to sort out the discount? If there isn't going to be a discount is the pass plus still worth getting?""

How do i find the cheapest car insurance ? can i go for 6 months rahter then 12 ?

i would insure 3 year old astra, my first car in uk, i have EU driving license for over 10 years""

Cheap Car Insurance Help.?

I am an 18 year old boy and have recently passed my driving test, i am looking around for cars but the insurance is a joke, the cheapest i have had is 5000. Anyone know what cars are cheap to insure and what insurance companies are cheap for young new drivers?""

Can my dad insure my car if the loan for the car is under my name?

I just bought a car and it is financed under my name. I was wondering if I could just let my dad insure my car cause then the insurance would be way cheaper. Is that still possible? Some people had told me that it doesn't matter who is the loan under my dad could still be the one insuring it and I could still drive it saying that it is his. I just wanted to make sure if I could do that?

How much will insurance cost for my painting business i am a sub contractor and i have no employs just my self?

what they require is $1,000,000 per occurrence and $1,000,000 personal injury and $2,000,000 general aggregate . thanks""

Auto Insurance Company?

How long dose it take for your insurance company to paid lost wages. Do they paid lost wages once a month or every two weeks,also in the state of michigan how much can you receive for lost wages.""

Why should car insurance be cheaper for young people?

car insurance should not be cheaper for young people because they are not responsible

About how much money would car insurance for a 2003 convertable saab cost?

just some rough estimates. i know insurance places are different.

Will car insurance cover a moped accident?

I was rear ended by a moped. The rider forgot to hit the brakes and nailed the back of my car. She broke my tail light and there's scrapes on my bumper and quarter panel. The rider didn't have insurance on her moped but has liability car insurance for her car. Her insurance company is refusing to pay for my damages, stating her moped is not insured, therefore they're not covering any damages. What should I do? I got a quote for $380 to fix my car.""

B Average for Car insurance?

I'm a 16 year old male who just got my license. I'm looking for car insurance, and was read about student discounts that said you need a B average. I have As and Bs, but I have a C in German, will this make me unable to get the discount?""

How much would it cost to insure an automatic Ford Fiesta Zetec for 17 year old new driver?

Want to buy this car when i pass and want to get an idea of how much the insurance would cost in England? Thanksss :)

Can I drive without my name on car insurance?

I'm 18 living in California. I am not on my parents insurance because I don't have a job to help pay the monthly fee. I do however drive the car with my parent in the car with me. My mom signed a waiver that said something like My child is not responsible for any damages if in a collision. Basically saying that my mom is taking full responsibility if anything happens to the car wile we are driving. So I guess y question is; Is it illegal to drive without being on the insurance, but an adult who is on the insurance is in the car? In other words can I still drive with a parent whose name is on the insurance, even though my name isn't? I apologize if this sounds confusing.""

Where's a good place to go if  have cavaties and no dental insurance at the moment?

i'm taking a semester off (enrolled in college but not currently attending) and i just graduated h.s. and my dental insurance cut off my moms plan. They discovered 2 cavities and they i'd like to get them taken care of before i go away to college is there anywhere i could go for cheaper or that would accet paymnet plans at a semi-affordable price?

Best health insurance for a 63 year old male?

My dad retired at 62 and a half... to make a long story short, he was promised continuing health insurance from his employer but now they are saying they will only be secondary- meaning they only pay if he buys a primary. What would be a good option for health insurance for him? Unfortunately, he is a smoker and had a stroke... he is 63 and a half right now.""

What is the cheapest motorhome insurance to purchase online?

I just bought an older 26 ft. class c motorhome and need to get insurance just to put a plate on it so the city ordinance officer cant screw with me because it is parked in my driveway.I live in Michigan.I wont be using this until fall and dont want to insure this yet through my regular insurance carrier.Does anyone know of a online insurance company thats fairly cheap?

Lapsed insurance....?

ok so basically i sideswiped someone the other day and my insurance was lapsed, but their insurance is going to cover it but send me the bill right.... so how does that work?""

How much do you think insurance would be on a first car?&how much money do you think i will spend on gas a wk?

How much do you think insurance would be on a first car?&how much money do you think i will spend on gas a wk?

What will my insurance roughly cost when I'm 19?

Hello, I'm 18 now and about to get my drivers license. I plan on getting a cheap car with low insurance the first year of driving for me. I always wanted a Mazda RX8 and I know that theres no chance of me getting insured for the car now so I was wondering when will it become affordable for me to get a Mazda RX8? Like for example what would you suggest my salary should be to realistically own that type of car in the UK? Thanks!""

Anyone know any good cheap car insurance providers?

preferably direct rather than compare websites. cheers.

How much does insurance cost for a new 16 year old female driver?

I would like to know how much insurance costs for a new 16 year old female driver. My parents have the insurance company USAA, so if I could get some information on the likely costs of this, that would be great. Thank you!""

""If I work for an insurance company, do I get free/discounted insurance premiums from them?""

I'm paying nearly 2400 at the moment, if I went and worked at an insurance company do you think I could blag a bit of cheap insurance? (ENGLAND)""

Breach Car Loan Insurance?

The bank that finances my car requires me to hold 1000 deductible. I currently dont have insurance because the lowest rate i can get is 650 . Thats half of what I make a month . What should I do . Has anyone ever been in this situation ?

What is a good low cost Automobile Insurance Company?

No Geico (they are very high)!

How much will insurance be on a 2006 mitsubishi eclipse?

Hi im 24 years old and I'm going to get a black 2006 Mitsubishi eclipse automatic v6. And just wanted to know how much the insurance will cost, i haven't been in any car crashes with my current car and have a good driving record.""

Sports car insurance for a teen girl?

okay, so i am 16. i am looking at a 2003 mitsubishi eclipse gs - meaning it has 4 cyl. instead of 6. is it still considered a sports car? & how much do you think the estimated insurance payment a month would be? please help - im really in need on an answer.""

How can I get cheaper car insurance as first time driver?

I am 27 years old and have postponed my driving up until now. My driving instructor told me that I am ready to take my test, so I am starting to look at the prospects of a car. I checked online using Go Compare and I can't find anything under 1800 for a Fiesta 1.2 What I was wondering is what will be taken into consideration regarding insurance. Should I perhaps do it by phone? Will my age help... Any advice is more than welcome. I know the first year is hard, but perhaps there is a way to make it a bit easier. I am doing the pass plus and I added to the search to have an excess of 500. Please help out with some advice. Thanks. Vince""

Can you buy auto insurance the very moment you buy a car? Do insurance companies work that quickly?

Can I call an insurance company the instant I buy a car and say, Hey, I just bought a car. I want to get insurance for it. ? I think companies should do this because if I take off from the dealership without insurance, and somebody hits me on the way home, I'm in trouble, right? I looked everywhere for this information, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Could somebody clarify this issue for me?""

Insurance for Pregnant Women??

I just started taking Clomid, and I know I will probably, hopefully get pregnant soon, and I want to make sure that I have insurance. Anyone know of a great insurance, that is not too costly? For pregnant women?""

Car insurance quote?

I am a 17 year old boy in Texas I just bought a white 1999 Pontiac Grand Am GT 2 door Paid with Cash I've never had a ticket or anything on my record Does anyone know about how much my insurance will run?

How much is car insurance in CA?

My family is planning to move to CA because my dad got a better job. We have 4 drives in the house. How much would it cost a mouth for one car?

""Which Car insurance is the best , and about how much does it cost?

how much does insurance cost for a 16 teen and which insurance is the best just asking

Why did my insurance company call me?

I received a call today from my JOB PROVIDED Health insurance company. The representative asked me a number of questions about what I have done about my epilepsy and what medications I am currently on. Why did they call me? My mother said that they do this to determine if they are going to drop you or not. Can they drop me even though it is provided threw my job?

Insurance Problems for my Teenage Self?(;?

So I found out that insurance for the car I was going to get (Honda Civic EX-L 2010) was way too much since I'm only 16. So I'm planning on getting a cheaper car, around $5,000. 1. Will insurance be much cheaper? They told me $1,500 for the Civic. 2. When I do turn 18 and purchase my dream car, will the insurance drop? If so how muh?""

Insurance cost for an 87 Fiero?

I'm considering purchasing an 87 Fiero and I am wondering roughly what insurance costs are like with these cars? Is it high or low? Considering the body panels are made of plastic I would think it's not too expensive to replace.

Can anybody give a good estimate on how much my insurance would be for me driving a 2002 ford mustang?

Im 16 years old and i'm a girl if that matters. My mom will not let me get one but I really want that to be my first car. Also can you give me some ideas to convince her to let me get it. I really need the actual price of how much the insurance would be.

Will insurance cover transmission damage?

Someone stol my car I reported it the insurane company is saying my transmission is out will they cover the cost of this or say its normal wear and tear it was working when I was driving it

What is the cheapest Auto insurance I can get?

I'm 23, just got my license, i have a Honda civic 2002. Thanks!""

What are some cars with easily tunable engines and low insurance?

i need a car that i can make faster but i don't wanna pay alot f insurance. specific models please

Where's a good place to go if  have cavaties and no dental insurance at the moment?

i'm taking a semester off (enrolled in college but not currently attending) and i just graduated h.s. and my dental insurance cut off my moms plan. They discovered 2 cavities and they i'd like to get them taken care of before i go away to college is there anywhere i could go for cheaper or that would accet paymnet plans at a semi-affordable price?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/car-insurance-quotes-corpus-christi-texas-jason-wilkinson/"

[passportrequired]

48 Blurry Hours in Amsterdam

Today I found myself on my couch sipping some coffee before work. I woke up a little early, turned on the television, made my coffee and began to read and re-read this card I got about a year ago at a networking dinner hosted by Keith Ferrazzi. The card says the following on its front side, “If money was not an issue, how would you spend your time?” That’s an easy question. I would travel. I would explore the world while simultaneously exploring the inner workings of my being. Life is short, there are no guarantees. The idea that I should not dawdle in life is exactly what took me to Europe to celebrate my 35th trip around the Sun two years ago.

I chose to head to Europe and specifically Spain because I wanted to run with the bulls. This was a tough decision for me because my birthday happens to land on July 14th which is Bastille Day and apparently France knows how to party on that day. The one thing I kept thinking about in terms of where to ring in my special day was that I could party in France any Bastille Day but given that I have had worsening knee pain the window for running with massive bulls while hungover in Spain was likely closing sooner than I would like. I decided to buy a one-way ticket to Amsterdam for $400 USD and said “Fuck it, whatever happens it will be fun.”

I mentioned my decision to fly to Europe to a few folks at my cousin Tank’s 4thof July party a couple of days before I was scheduled to head out and Tank’s dad, whom we call “Pops,” mentioned he might be interested in a good run through Spain. I told him my plan: Fly to Amsterdam on July 6thand party for two days, take a quick flight to Madrid and hang for the night, hop on a train to Pamplona in the morning so that we could run and rage there for a few days. Pop’s said he would look into it. On the morning of July 6th,I woke up to an email from Pops stating that he was on his way to Amsterdam and to find him there so we could wreck shit. FUCK YES! I lit up a joint, stuffed my pockets with THC infused gummy bears, summonsed my Uber and made my way to LAX.

I arrived at LAX and immediately started drinking with a group of French soccer fans. I found myself passed out in a cramped seat near the airplane bathroom a few hours later. I made my flight. I hurried off the plane as soon as I could. I took a few photos of the rain soaked tarmac at the Schiphol airport and messaged Pops. I made my way to the ClinkNoord Hostel and he met me there. Turns out Pops had no place to stay yet and our first order of business after lighting some legally purchased sacred kratom and marijuana was to find a place for him to crash. My hostel was fully booked. We dropped off our luggage at my hostel and Googled a bunch of places. We found a small hotel on the other side of the river, Pops checked in, and we were off.

The next 48 hours were a blur. The skies were cloudy. It sprinkled here and there but overall the weather was pleasantly cool for July. We smoked ample amounts of the Devil’s Cabbage all in the name of cultural immersion, we drank many local beers, stuffed our fat faces with doner kebabs, and rode bicycles everywhere. My inner fat-kid loves Amsterdam. According to my journal, we paid the Popeye’s Coffee Shop a visit. For the July bullet journal design, I created a simple calendar in my journal using my favorite bullet journal highlighters. Tank recommended this place and it did not disappoint.  We smoked a joint in the basement while sipping on Americanos. We then made our way to Barney’s for some burgers and ice cream milkshakes right after Popeye’s. Marijuana, burgers, milkshakes. It was all so damn good. We rolled up some joints in Barney’s and planned out our day.

Amsterdam is a visually stimulating place. The sun doesn’t set until sometime after 10PM, the streets have canons just chilling on random corners, party goers drink heavily on private boats cruising through the canals. The buildings look like gingerbread houses and castles. The Red-light district has all sorts of fuckery going on at any given time. This place is wild, legal marijuana, legal prostitutes, and legal magic truffles. All sorts of people walking the streets just having a good ol’ time. At one point, I got cursed out by a prostitute during the midday rush. Pops and I turned a corner and walked through a small street filled with doorways leading to some version of BDSM ecstasy. In my defense, I did not realize that taking photos of these women is frowned upon.

Pops and I decided to avoid anything looking like an organized tour like the plague, I feel bad for people on tour buses hopping on and off with their selfie sticks and hermetically sealed, germ free vacation packages. Pops and I decided to do the opposite of those lifeless souls…we rode bicycles dangerously close to cars in opposing traffic. We dodged pedestrians. I felt like I was in a James Bond movie driving my bike next to the waterways. I couldn’t help but think about what the fuck I was doing in Europe. I spent many of my formative years sleeping on floors and garages because we were piss poor and now I’m riding free through one of the prettiest cities on Earth. Life is good.

We visited the Rijksmuseum while under the influence of a nice sativa. I love museums. Amsterdam did not disappoint. Vermeer’s and Rembrandt’s work hung all around me. The Gallery of Honour was impressive. I remembered learning all about Rembrandt’s use of light sources in my high school and college art classes. Many of these paintings were larger than I could ever imagine from looking at a text book or online. There was a massive library in the museum filled with old books, essentially a bibliophile’s dream. Parts of the museum were dedicated to showing Nazi propaganda. This was hard to look at in some cases but it was important. Art should shake the viewer on some level.

Pops and I continued to wander off the beaten tourist path and found ourselves in the Jordaan area. We determined that based on the angle of the sun and our proximity to the equator that now would be the best time to get massages. Lucky for us the Jordaan had a massage place next to a nice bar. We had some drinks with the local crowd after our massages. We met the owner of this bar, a massive beast of a man with a kind heart. I don’t recall this gentleman’s name but man his fucking hand felt like a bear claw when he placed it on my shoulder and asked who we were and how we found his place. Turns out he was a former professional fighter who opened the bar with his father in law, who happened to be a former professional race car driver, after retiring from the fight game. This cat liked the tattoos that Pops and I have collected over the years and decided to show us his. He lifted his shirt up to show us some massive Brazilian flag tattoo spanning the width of his barrel sized chest. We all drank a lot. The bar owner encouraged it. Pops and I didn’t want to be rude to our host so we obliged and drank heavily for maybe two hours chatting with our new friend about life in Amsterdam and the Jordaan. I would absolutely go back to that area. They loved us there. Two Mexicans from LA and we were brave enough to walk a few blocks away from the tourist zone. Life rewarded our curiosities with good people, food, and drink.

For the record, Pops and I do not speak Dutch. Pops can barely speak Spanish. With that said we decided it would be fun to smoke a joint on our way to the train station in Amsterdam before hopping on a train to the Eindhoven airport in Utrecht. We booked a ridiculously cheap flight to Madrid on Ryan Air and could only fly out of Eindhoven. Fuck it more adventuring for us. The train ride was scary because for the first hour I wasn’t even sure we were on the right train. Pops slept. I wrote in my journal and looked out the window at random farms and windmills. This shit was weird for me. Los Angeles is lacking in the farmland and windmill department. I grew up around homeless people and gangbangers in Pacoima. It was culture shock on some level.

I had time to think on this leg of the trip. Headphones on, journal out, I couldn’t help but get into my feelings a little. I was dehydrated, smelly, sweaty, sporting some weird ass raccoon print tank top. I am certain the folks on the train looked at me like a damn alien. I thought about what we just did, we smoked over an eighth of weed each day in Amsterdam, rode bikes like maniacs through the city, hung out with complete strangers, bar hopped in the local zone. At one point Pops and I were in some part of town kinda far from the Red-Light District partying with a bunch of non-Americans. Pops is a bad ass for a 63 year old. He started egging on some large “Bros,” you know the frat guys who sport Tap Out gear but likely never fought, into fighting one another. Pops got tired of their tough guy posturing and called them all pussies for not fighting each other already. These guys were terrified of Pop’s little crazy ass. Meanwhile 20 feet away a crew of girls kept drunkenly stumbling onto each other. I have video of this somewhere. Amsterdam is wild yo.

Europe is the “Old World” people have lived in the same communities for generations. This is a huge contrast to my transient upbringing. Moving each year chasing that first month of free rent where ever we could. Making new friends each year. My experience in LA is worlds apart from what people experience in Europe, at least that’s how it felt. I liked it though.  Even if I didn’t know a soul in Amsterdam it still felt good to be in a place where people have real roots. These roads have been around for ages. Kings and their armies have marched through these old European streets for hundreds of years. There isn’t anything like that in the US. American heritage is a mashup of many things. The history of humans is a short one. The history of America even more so. It felt weird to know that over the course of human history millions of souls died on the land we were on. I reflected on what this meant to me at various parts of my trip. The sense of belonging, the sense of community, history both personal and on a larger scale.

My impressions of Amsterdam are probably not too different than yours. I felt like everyone was happily glowing, looking put together like living breathing H&M advertisements. I liked Amsterdam. Not entirely for the weed though that is a good selling point but mostly because of the people and culture. I thought it was amazing that so many paintings in the museums depict water wars and navies in battle due to the Dutch being a seafaring people. It was a contrast to what I’ve seen in other museums where the artwork depicts land battles and marching armies. Equally impressive was the variety of street art. Banksy’s were everywhere along with countless other artists’ work in cleverly placed spaces throughout the city. I also enjoyed that fact that this was a cyclist and pedestrian friendly city. The bike stations situated on the barges were amazing to look at because of the sheer number of bikes crammed on them. I wondered how often people lost track of where they parked their bikes. I especially loved taking the ferry across the river from the main part of Amsterdam to the Noord. I think my favorite memory of the trip was my last night out, I hopped on the ferry back to the Clinknoord and watched sunrise while sitting on my rented hostel bike. I could see the big Amsterdam letters on the roof of the train depot. I was in Europe.

I was happy that Pops came along. Pops is wild man. He told me some crazy stories about his memories of the seventies. Some guy once pulled a shotgun on him while he was sitting in his car and Pops’ homeboy snuck around from behind the guy and snatched the gun away. Pops then proceeded to beat the shit out of him as soon as he got out of the car. I’ve heard variations of this story from Pop’s wife Connie. This story wasn’t surprising. Pops was a lunatic in his day. LA breeds that shit. I love LA but damn if the street and prison cultures don’t make some crazy ass people. I relish the moments when Pops decided to wild out because it usually means I am gonna laugh at the wild shit he says or does next.

All of these thoughts floated around my mind as I watched miles and miles of farmland scroll past me on the train. We eventually made it to Eindhoven. I was relieved that I chose the right train platform and hopped on the correct train. Pops and I smoked our last joint outside the Eindhoven airport entrance. I exhaled smoke as I walked into the airport. We left our little half smoked joint on a bench just outside of the airport doors for the next person to enjoy. We drank beers on the deck while watching planes take off. We had a few hours before our flight to Madrid. This was the calm before the next part of our trip. I messaged my mom that we made it safely to Eindhoven. She expressed her worry over my plans to run wild through Pamplona. My reply, I’m good mom, probably I won’t die but if I do this is a far better death than dying on the toilet or decaying slowly over time in a shitty cubicle or on the 405 freeway. I am the voice of reason here.

48 Blurry Hours in Amsterdam was originally published on Passport Required

[613526362]

Twin Beds

I just woke up. I have no idea when I fell asleep, or what I was doing before I fell asleep. I see I have shorts on, but I don't recall wearing shorts or putting them on before falling asleep. I thought I was last wearing jeans. I'm just confused. I don't know how long I've slept. I didn't have any intention of sleeping. What sleep schedule am I on now? When should I go back to sleep? I haven't worked night shift in a long time. This could be an adjustment. Redacted My dad used to always tell me that alcoholism runs in the family. And I need to be careful. I've been on the verge of another addiction my entire post pubertal life. The addiction to women. Pandemos put a bad spin on that addiction. I was actually pretty stable. I was actually pretty good before I met her. I'm having a lot of trouble, months after leaving her. I need a woman's touch. I don't even need sex. I just need to hold someone. I was just at my office, helping my assistant wrap up a course. I was astonished at how bad she was with talking to people. She also got a bad course eval on the course she'd done before I arrived. After I arrived, she just had one more student coming for a quick course, and I offered to help out with the testing. We had to lean in close to each other - the student and I - as she did chest compressions and I put the pads on. My hands touched her shirt and her hair rubbed on my face. It hit me right in the gut. It hit me hard. I'm so alone now. Redacted The cop came in the room and asked the EMT student to translate for him. He tore off something from a pad of forms and said, "So, here's the deal. I have several witnesses that say she wasn't in the crosswalk when she got hit. So really there's nothing I can do for her. She can go online to this website....". His voice trailed off as I thought about how curious it was that it is legal to hit people as long as they're not in a crosswalk. I felt sorry for the middle aged Hispanic woman, tied to a backboard, her head constrained from motion in a cervical collar. A couple hours later I almost got hit a few times myself, not in a crosswalk. I had been diving home and saw a car stalled in the middle of the road, with a man pushing it. As we drove to go get gas, he told me a lot of people had passed by before I stopped to help. He told me I was a miracle. Little did we know at the moment that Miracle me would be with him for over an hour, in a high-shooting area, driving back and forth to the gas station and pushing the car this way and that way, and taking turns trying to start it. At one point when he and I were driving, the strong scent of gasoline over our bodies, I said, "I think this what our city needs. More people helping other people." He told me about how poor they were, how unemployed and unemployable he was, and how they couldn't afford a mechanic for the car. The crazy thing was, he wasn't at all asking me for money. Actually, at the gas station, he had three dollar bills he was going to use for the gas. I had to actually jump in front of him to buy a gallon of tea and fill it with gas. To my surprise, before I poured out the tea, he asked if he could drink some of it. He gulped down as much as he could tolerate before we filled it with gas. It's weird how I feel most comfortable in situations like that. It's the only time I'm free. When I'm home, I'm stressed. I've been having nightmares. I'm plagued by thoughts of Pandemos. I'm lonely. But when I'm in the ER, I have not a care in the world. As gunshot victims roll in and people stream in every direction, I'm finally able to relax. I've been sitting in my car writing this, watching the dusk turn to dark. I had tried praying as I drove slowly down the cramped roads to my apartment. And then I decided to write for a bit. I'm going to try to go exercise now. Anything that can help. I don't know how much finances are adding to the stress. I don't know how much loneliness and isolation are adding. I just know things are really, really bad right now. I did a ten minute ride for a beautiful 33-year-old black woman earlier. She had flown herself to the Big City just for a basketball game. Based on the way she described everything, she had come alone. We talked a lot and enjoyed talking a lot. When I stopped outside her hotel, I turned and looked back to say goodbye. The way she was looking at me said a lot. She smiled real big, and said, "I sure hope I see you next time I come to The Big City." Her eyes said more though. Her eyes said that she wanted to see me more now. I hate when girls come on to me when I drive them. Because then I have to spend days in regret that I wasn't or didn't respond to it. Pandemos used to tell me that it's okay to meet people and get aroused with them, and then just tell them you have HSV2 and that there's a low risk of transmission because you take a certain drug. It was always easy for her. She told me she'd never had a single guy say no. For me, it's the end. Redacted I'm not seeing as well. I mean, my vision is NOTICEABLY different. Eye strain because my old glasses aren't right any more. I can't even seem to focus on my phone screen right now. I wonder how many of them will remember me, when I'm on TV. Oh yes, I'm going to be famous some day. Will people I worked with once or twice remember me? Will any of my 600 rideshare riders recognize my face? Deja vu? When have the stereotypical white doctor profile photo of me on TV, next to news titles and pictures of Africans with AKs and the word, the infamous eternal words, "American Killed In..." Will they remember me? Will my story ever be told. Fuck I hope not. I don't use this phrase much, because I love God. But god damn anyone who makes a film about yet another white "hero" trying to help people in need when it's the fucking people in need who actually deserve the film, deserve the respect, deserve our love, deserve the world, the world we hold back from them as we admire ourselves and misunderstand and ignore them It's twin beds now. In my new apartment it's twin beds. From now on, twin beds Redacted Jay was telling me that in Little Big City, they have a 2% solve rate on homicides. So you have a 98% chance of getting away with murder. In the Big City itself, police solve a bit more, but it's still a national low. It's weird to think someone could kill me in the street or in my apartment, and they would almost assuredly get away with it. Every now and then I think of a fictional story I would like to write in this journal. Like I thought up one where I'm out for a jog and I'm running on the destroyed Big City sidewalks and I turn the block and wind up running behind this girl with a long brown pony tail and she's kind of blocking me so I run in the street up next to her and she challenges me to a race and we race side by side and block to block until we're...... But everything I write is true, unfortunately. And the truth is, I just masturbated and made it hurt on purpose. That's one of the ways in which Pandemos changed me. She was always trying to get me to fuck her more violently, she was always trying to take things to the next level. I even had to tell her to stop one time. And now, I find I can't even orgasm unless I masturbate hard. I used to be able to do it naturally. I can't anymore. She changed me on some deep psychological level, in a horrific way. Browned hair runner girl, I see you in the streets as I drive past. I know you're real. You're out there somewhere. But we will never meet. I meet people in crisis to whom I am a helping hand. If I were to meet you, you would try to consume me for your own benefit. So god damn you, and I'll run alone.

[auntiedonut]

Our Natural Miscarriage

In January, 2017, Jasun and I had a miscarriage.  I know most of you don’t know, and I am sorry that this is how you are finding out, believe me, it is much easier to tell a computer than to actually say the words out loud, I hope you understand.  

I have decided to share my story for a few different reasons:

This is therapeutic for me. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, and I never imagined in my life that this would be a holiday that would affect me negatively (I am very lucky to have an awesome mommy). But I am here, mildly losing my shit and feel that its time to share.

Nobody talks about miscarriage.  I have been a childbirth doula for over 15 years now and I can honestly say I knew close to nothing about miscarriage.  About 15% - 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, so I am not alone, although I felt that way, and I don’t want you to feel that way if this is what you are going through.  If I can say some words that can help someone else out going through this process then I would love to be able to offer that helping hand.

So here goes.

Jasun and I started trying for a baby shortly before Christmas 2015.  Having no luck whatsoever, we consulted with a fertility specialist around September 2016.  I am not known to be a patient person, some people may have waited, but I wanted to make sure everything was ok.  We were really excited to be parents, its something we both have wanted for a long time, and month after month of not becoming pregnant became emotional.  Then we’d pick ourselves up just to be let down again.  

It turns out everything was fine and we chose not to have any advanced treatments done as they seemed invasive, we just wanted to make sure we were both able to have children.

Christmas morning, 2016, I woke up sobbing.  After a year of trying, I really just wanted to spend Christmas morning with our baby. A few days earlier I started my period, and this morning it just hit me.  What is wrong, why isn’t this happening, what can I do differently.  Am I too stressed? Is it because I drink coffee? I pulled it together to go have Christmas day with my family, hanging out with my niece and nephew is one of my most favorite things to do but even that became emotional at times.  But I made it through the day.  

My period only lasted for a few days which I found was odd.  Jasun and I were home a few days after Christmas cuddled up on the couch watching White Christmas, and since my period didn’t last but two days, I decided to take another test.  I had been taking about 5 pregnancy tests a month (expensive habit) so we definitely had some in the drawer.  One line means no, two lines yes.  Remove cap, pee on stick, and wait.

That dark line that never fails to show up did, and right next to it the faintest line you had ever seen appeared.  I wasn’t sure if it was a shadow or not, and Jasun and I decided not to think too much about it.  

HAHAHAHAHAH WHO AM I KIDDING?!  That was our plan but yeah no, my brain doesn’t let things rest!  I got online, “blood in the urine can leave a false positive”.  Is there still blood in my urine from having my period? Is this just a lie?  Should I stop shopping for breastfeeding covers on Amazon?

We decided just to smile a lot and try our hardest not to believe we were pregnant.  We weren’t doing a great job. We kept taking pregnancy tests and that faint little line kept getting darker and darker.

I had been spotting a bit on and off since the start of my period but found that was pretty normal as the placenta attaches to the uterine wall.  We had blood work done that confirmed I was 4 weeks pregnant!

A few weeks had passed since we got our bloodwork back, and I was starting to notice changes in my body.  Things were more tender, things were bigger...  We were getting ready to tell our families. This entire year we didn’t tell anyone we were trying, I was really excited about surprising my mom with the news. We were headed to bed one night and I started having severe cramps and heavy bleeding.  We were lying in bed and I was breathing through what I assume a contraction would feel like.  I was extremely nervous but knew nothing could be done so Jasun and I decided to get some sleep after the pain died down and call the doctor tomorrow.  In the morning the bleeding was still pretty heavy. Jasun had left for work, and I called the doctor before the clinic was open.  She said she wanted to see me right away when they opened, so I got dressed, called Jasun and we met there.  

I remember the words like it was yesterday, “There’s nothing in there, you’re having a miscarriage”. I started sobbing uncontrollably and Jasun held me. The doctor left the room so we could feel our feelings without an onlooker.  When she came back in she said that she could give me medication to complete the miscarriage, and I declined.  I wanted things to happen naturally, and I just found out that my baby died two minutes earlier, I was not ready to let go.

Jasun followed me home, on my way home I called my mom, dad and sister, hysterical, they could barely understand me.  I told them we had been trying for a year and we were getting ready to tell them the great news.  Once we got home Jasun comforted me while I cried.  My body did not start the miscarriage process for about a week after. I didn’t know there was a “process”, from what I saw on to, you bled a little, cried a lot and then it was all over.

I decided to stay home that week from work and Jasun stayed home with me for quite a few days.  I filled my week with a mix of sadness and shopping for home décor: some side tables, a sideboard, coat rack, lots of things that could distract me from feeling these feelings 100% of the day. I’m sure if you ask Jasun I bought a lot more than just those three things.  

The next week I decided to go back to work.  I didn’t have much pain during the week after we found out, just some light bleeding, so I was feeling ready to occupy my days.  I went back to work and that’s when my body started kicking into gear. It took awhile but my body started going through the ‘labor’ process.    Things got very painful, very quickly.  I had contractions for most of that day at home, and kept thinking that this was bullshit.  I didn’t know having a miscarriage was painful, aren’t I going through enough emotionally? This is bullshit. I passed a lot of blood and tissue that day, and it continued on for a long time after that.

My miscarriage lasted for about three weeks from the point we found out.  Miscarrying makes you extremely fatigued with all the blood loss and emotions and what not.  A few weeks of consistent bleeding and we were getting worried.  I called my doctor and he wanted me to come in for a D&C. I really did not want to put my body through more trauma so I talked to the doctor about some symptoms I should look for that would mean my health was in danger.  About half of those applied to me at this point (extreme fatigue, loss of breath, severe cramps, abdominal pain, weakness, etc.) so he told me that if things don’t subside in 3 days that I needed to come in.

At this point I contacted a good friend of mine in the wellness industry and told him what was going on. He recommended some herbs and natural remedies to complete the miscarriage at home.  Jasun went to the store to do some shopping:

·         Raspberry Leaf tea.  You can also drink Traditional Medicine Women’s Moon Cycle tea. I drank about 3 cups of tea per day.

·         Cinnamon.  I don’t really care for the taste of cinnamon so Jasun picked up some cinnamon capsules. There are plenty of tasty cinnamon recipes that you may like, you can even just make cinnamon rolls or cinnamon bread, but we were not in the mood to cook, so I took 2 capsules, twice a day.

·         Herbs.  I took Blue and Black Cohosh.  Black Cohosh is used to disrupt pregnancy.  It is called a helper herb, helping to prepare the cervix to release the contents of the uterus.  It is often used in natural childbirth, but I found that it was exactly the extra help my body needed to release that additional tissue it was holding on to. Blue Cohosh is usually used in the last few weeks of pregnancy to give the uterus a final toning and to jump start birth, and can be used after birth to deliver a retained placenta and stop bleeding by helping the uterus clamp down.  

·         Homeopathy.  I read that Sepia is good for completing miscarriage by helping expel the tissue, but can also help expel the grief.  I read that it wouldn’t be good to take this if I was going to be out in public and didn’t want anyone to witness me losing my shit, but I didn’t really have much of an emotional release when using this.  It could have been due to the fatigue at this point. The pellets are tiny, like the top of a sewing pin, and I took 5 pellets, 3 times a day.  They tasted like sugar.

·         Prenatal Vitamins.  I never stopped taking these.  My body was losing so much blood I felt it was necessary, and could feel a difference when I forgot to take this, so I just continued on.  The iron was essential.

·         Massage.  I am in the massage industry so I was able to get relief that way.  When you are having cramps for weeks on end your stomach muscles become extremely sore, like you have been working out for days on end. Luckily I had a great massage therapist that knew what I was going through and was comfortable doing abdominal work for me.  I was also having a ton of lower back pain so he was able to help with that when I happened to have a few really bad contractions at work.

·         Steak.  Why the hell not.  It’s delicious.

 I am sure there are other things that you can do but these are the ones that I stuck to.  I did all of these things consistently for about 10 days total.  I started noticing a difference around day 3 which got me out of the clear for the D&C I was so unexcited to receive. Over the next ten days I continued to have cramps and a lot of bleeding, but I hadn’t had any tissue pass for a while, and that is what needed to happen in order for my cervix to close and complete the process.   I do believe all of these things helped release that little bit of extra tissue my body was holding on to, then the bleeding finally slowed down.

 I believe I was bleeding for about five weeks straight once my miscarriage was complete.  There were times that I thought I was just going to bleed out and die. I was so sick of looking at blood. I was so tired of feeling so fatigued. I felt like I was literally being forced to emotionally deal with my miscarriage for weeks on end with all of these constant reminders and I was ready for some closure.  Once the bleeding stopped my energy started to come back slowly.  I started going back to work, working 4 hour days, working my way up to 6, then 8.  My body did take some time to fully recover even after the bleeding stopped, but all is back to normal now.  

 I am so glad I was able to do everything naturally and on my own at home.  Having a miscarriage was absolutely awful and the fact that I was able to stay home and deal with it meant I was able to be present in the emotional part of it the entire time.  I couldn’t imagine going through something as horrific as that with anyone but Jasun. That man knows me so well, knows exactly what to say, where to be, what to do, without me even having to ask.  I know a lot of men have a hard time dealing with sadness, but Jasun was right there with me, crying along the way.  I hate to see him cry, but it made me feel so connected.  He is truly an amazing man and would do anything for his family.

 If you are reading this and going through a miscarriage, my heart goes out to you.  It is an awful process full of raw emotion and a lot of maxi pads.  I hope you find comfort in some of these words and I pray that you will heal quickly.  I do want you to know that all miscarriages are different for everyone so some of my symptoms might not be true for you, but hopefully we will both have our rainbow babies someday.

[backinblack1967]

The Annual Feeling of Loss or You’re Never Alone (Seonghwa x Reader)

A/N: Hi, everyone! :) Over the years I’ve written several little stories but never had the courage to post them online. I’ve been struggling with the death of my dad the past few months and what better way to cope with it than with writing it down, I thought. So, I made a one-shot with ATEEZ and a reader insert. If you don’t want to read about it, you are warned. (Please be warned that English isn’t my mother tongue, either.)  

To be honest, this one is more fluff and (bad) humour after the initial angst. Feel free to leave a comment, ask me about anything or maybe even leave a request for a future scenario.

XXX Sarah

Seonghwa x Reader x platonic!ATEEZ

word count: 3,011

***

네가 힘이 들고 지칠 때 When it's hard and you're tired

찾게 되는 그 곳, 나 그 곳이 될게 the place you're looking for, I'll become this place

아무 것도 놓을 수 없어서 when you have nowhere to lean on

삶이 버거울 때 꼭 네 곁이 될게 when life is too much, I will be next to you

(BTS - With Seoul)

***

It was that day again. You had dreaded it for the last 2 years and you hated yourself for it. When your father had been alive it had been a funny coincidence that your birthday was on the exact day before his, but when he’d died you had come to loathe both of your birthdays because they had become a constant reminder that you’d never see him again. Never hear his voice again or feel his arms around you in one of his famous bear hugs.

Yesterday you had celebrated your birthday with your friends, trying to suppress the rising feeling of dread and sadness. Currently, you were sitting in a small café, or more like hiding from your best friends you whom were living with. You could try bullshitting them with the excuse of cramps or a migraine, but some would undoubtedly see behind your carefully constructed façade.

And so, you had gone out in the early hours of the day to seek refuge and distraction in the crowds. You were currently sitting in the farthest corner with a cup of warm chocolate in front of you and your iPad and pencil in the other, trying to force the thoughts from your head onto the canvas. Sometimes drawing them helped to forget a little. Or to remember the fond moments you were especially frightened of forgetting over time.

This morning, when you had opened your old chat to listen to his voice again, you had barely been able to contain your cries. The audio messages were still there but the little icon on top which should show his picture had been empty. Maybe it was because he had been offline for too long and at that thought, uncontrollable sobs had taken over your body. You had decided to leave your shared flat then because you didn’t want to ruin their short time off by bringing their jovial mood down.

You had left a note on the kitchen table saying you would be back in the evening and that they shouldn’t wait up if it got later.

You figured if you could only get through today you would be fine tomorrow. Distract yourself until nightfall, sneak in and sleep it off.

Admittedly, you had entertained the thought of talking to Yun-ho this morning and whether you would feel better wrapped in his arms but then you had decided against it. You didn’t want to burden either of them and you really didn’t want them to see you as weak. For good measure, you had turned off your mobile phone so you wouldn’t be tempted to call them or your mom.

***

What you didn’t know was that back in the dorm every sense of carefreeness had been abandoned hours ago. San hadn’t been particularly worried when he had found your note first – sometimes you just ventured off to calm places to concentrate.

He couldn’t blame you when their dorm resembled a playground filled with 5-year olds high on sugar more often than not. He had been curious why you would be staying out late on a weekend but Hong-joong had reminded him that people like them needed the occasional day off to gather inspiration and that you would surely confide in them if something was bothering you.

They had unanimously decided to wait up for you to ask if anything was wrong but to otherwise leave you be for the time you were away. However, San had seen Seong-hwa and Yeo-sang trying to sneakily call you several times through the day. When he had asked them about it, both of them had admitted that they had a bad gut feeling. Both of them had been with you on some of your “alone days” without the others knowing, so their feelings wouldn’t get hurt. When he had gathered all of his team members to tell them exactly that, they had been surprised to hear because as it turned out you had always taken one of them with you when you had gone out “alone”.

Now they were worried. Had something happened? Had they unknowingly done something to hurt your feelings? Or had it been someone else? Jong-ho had oh so kindly offered to beat up anyone who might have hurt their girl, Min-gi volunteering as well. Both Hong-joong and Woo-young had hurriedly convinced them not to do it, in remembrance of the last incident.

And then the phone had rung.

And it wasn’t who they had expected. An angry, high-pitched female voice had greeted Yun-ho on the other end, making his smile drop. That wasn’t you. And she was neither speaking Korean nor English. He picked up two familiar words, however, in her rant: your name and the word “papa”. With wide eyes he told Hong-joong and thrust the phone at him as if it would bite him any minute.

Hong-joong switched the phone to speaker as he waited for a break in her venomous monologue. They winced from the apparent fury in her tone without even understanding what she was saying. When she paused to draw breath, Hong-joong hurriedly interrupted her in English.

“I’m sorry, I assume you want to talk to Y/N, but she’s currently out. May I ask who you are?”

The woman’s voice had turned condescending at that, mocking him for his “horrible” English pronunciation in a sickly-sweet tone before she continued to rant about her little irresponsible and stupid sister who wouldn’t even come home for her deceased father’s birthday. Like, who did she think she was? Not even calling her elder sister to ask her if she was alright on such a somber day. Hong-joong didn’t detect a smidgen of sadness in her voice or any compassion for her family member. And suddenly your absence made incredibly much more sense.

He figured he would let her let off steam before getting rid of her and looking for you with his brothers. It was twenty minutes later when he couldn’t stand the insults hurled towards you anymore and told her to shut up (which shocked his members as they’d never heard him speak less than respectful to strangers or older people). He had tried to tell her of your compassion and warm heart, how you helped everyone around you and brightened their days. But for every positive trait or deed your sister had responded with another insult which were growing more and more farfetched.

They others weren’t too good in English but with certain familiar keywords, their leader’s expression and the tone of the woman’s voice they could piece together the gist of what was being said. Even Yun-ho’s patience began wearing thin as he watched Joong’s expression turning more and more agitated and downright hurt.

He threw a glance at their eldest who held a pensive expression on his face as he stared off into the distance. When Seong-hwa noticed Yun-ho’s pleading gaze and the various distressed and confused faces around him, he lightly tapped on Hong-joong’s shoulder to get his attention.

“Joong, don’t you want to end this conversation? It doesn’t seem to go anywhere… Could you wrap it up and tell us what exactly is going on?”

He nodded and said a few sentences to the other person on the phone that left her silent with surprise.

“You will have to stop right there, miss. I won’t tolerate you insulting my friend any longer. I have no idea how you got this number but please refrain from calling again or I will see myself forced to talk to our manager and lawyer. Have a good day.”

There was a brief silence before Yeo-sang voiced what all of them were thinking.

“So… who exactly was that and why were they so angry at Y/N?”

Hong-joong explained that your older sister had called from home and that today was the birthday of your father who had died two years ago, shortly before his birthday back then, too.

San hugged Woo-young when his face crumbled into sadness at the news. He could vividly imagine what it meant to lose a family member and he didn’t wish that kind of devastating heartache on any of the people he considered family.

Hong-joong couldn’t bring himself to repeat the insults your sister had hurled at you and relied as much to the others. He was visibly angry whereas Seong-hwa looked more concerned.

“Should we go look for her? Do you have any idea where she could be?”

“Don’t you think we should give her some space until she comes back, Hwa? I mean, she obviously had a reason to leave for the day.”

Yun-ho trailed off unsurely because he didn’t want to do anything else besides wrap you in his arms and to cuddle the sadness away.

“I think we should wait here. Don’t get me wrong, I want nothing more than to be with her right now, either, but we don’t know where to start searching. And what if she comes home while we’re running around Seoul? Let’s just wait and cheer her up when she returns,” proposed Yeo-sang, ever the voice of reason, although he didn’t seem to be happy about it. “I don’t want to overwhelm her or make her uncomfortable.”

Min-gi was the first one to agree. “Then can we prepare a movie evening and order take-out?”

***

It was dark when you decided you had wallowed in self-pity and bitter-sweet memories for long enough. You trudged through the darkened streets until you found yourself staring up at the building of your dorm. You had decided to come home earlier than planned because you honestly couldn’t take being alone anymore.

You needed their smiles and distracting chaos to ground yourself in the present and to remind yourself that everything would be okay at the end of the day.

You forced a smile on your face as you walked up the flights of stairs towards your home. Shortly before you reached the front door, you turned on your phone again only to take note of the several missed calls, all of them from your extended little family except one from your sister. You weren’t sorry that you had missed hers, she would have solely reproached you anyway for your so-called heartless behaviour towards her.

You stuffed your phone into your jeans pocket, touched that they had tried reaching out to you despite your little note. You felt childish for ignoring them now.

You had barely unlocked the front door and put your keys on the hook next to it, when something slammed into you and wrapped their arms around your shoulders. Another one joining seconds after at your back. Blinking in surprise, you returned the hugs and automatically your uptight body went lax in their hold.

You felt surrounded and loved and so completely at home.

Judging from the familiar scents, you were currently between San and Min-gi. Over the latter’s shoulder you could see Woo-young nervously bouncing on the balls of his feet. You smiled at him and it felt less forced than all the hours before. When you beckoned with your hand towards him, he bound over to your little bunch and joined the tangled mess. You giggled at their puppy-like behaviour.

“Did something happen? What’s gotten into you, not that I’m complaining?”

“We just missed you,” came Woo-young’s muffled reply.

You smiled at his admission, “I missed you, too. All of you.”

When you had untangled yourself from the hug a few minutes later, Min-gi took your hand and led you towards the grand couch in the living room.

You took in the other members sitting on the couch and on the nest of pillows and blankets before it, with steaming take-out containers scattered in various places.

“Okay, something definitely happened. Are we celebrating a new song? Do I need to beat somebody up?”

You earned various smiles for that and Seong-hwa patted the free space between him and Yun-ho on the couch. You accepted his invitation and after they had wrapped their arms over your shoulders you inquired once more, “Now tell me. What happened?”

There was a tense silence before Hong-joong spoke. “Your sister called today.”

Dread replaced your uplifted mood as you felt the smile slip from your face. In a small voice you asked, “What did she say? ... Oh my god, I’m so sorry, guys. I don’t know how she got this number.”

Yeo-sang hushed you from his place at your feet, one hand running up your knee.

“Don’t worry. I don’t think she will call again. But why didn’t you tell us about today? You know you can tell us anything. We love you.”

You fiddled with your fingers, touched by his sincere words.

“I love you guys, too. It’s just- I just didn’t want to bother you on your small holiday. And I thought that if I … don’t need comfort or if I don’t talk about it, it would go away sooner. Like it didn’t actually happen.”

Hearing your reasons out loud made you wince because of how pathetic they sounded. You really were childish.  And as horrible as your sister said, for trying to forget your father’s death. I’m sorry, papa. I miss you.

Your self-deprecating train of thoughts was interrupted by a soft palm on your right cheek.  

“Sweetheart, whatever you’re thinking right now – stop. You’re not stupid for trying to forget or for being insecure. And you can always come to us if something is bothering you. Have you forgotten the many times you were there for us? Isn’t that right, guys?”

All around the room, there were affirmative nods and assuring smiles. You smiled and leaned subconsciously into his touch.

“I- I think I know, Hwa. I was just being stupid. Sorry for worrying you.”

He leaned in with a soft smile until his forehead and nose were touching yours. You squirmed at his closeness and your obvious blush on display for all of them. He had always been a bit touchy-feely with you, but you had passed it off as Woo-young, Min-gi and San rubbing off on the other members.

You were sure your crush was blatantly obvious right now. Your love for Seong-wha went far beyond the platonic kind and you had been afraid to tell him – or anyone – in fear of making things awkward. But in that moment, as he gazed deeply into your eyes, you could have sworn he felt the same for you.

Your little bubble was interrupted by Woo-young’s coos and Jong-ho clearing his throat.

“So, uh… can we start movie night now? I’m famished.”

You all laughed at that, but you still caught the knowing smiles on their faces. Seong-hwa winked at you when he retreated slightly.

You barely registered Yun-ho mumbling something about popcorn, being far too occupied with Seong-wha draping a blanket over the both of you and engulfing your hand underneath it with his bigger one. You snuggled closer to him, leaning your head on his shoulder. The need for comfort and skin-ship was making you a little bolder than usual.

Yun-ho and Min-gi returned with two big bowls of popcorn and snuggled back into the pillow fort. The next few hours were spent laughing at the people in the movie, munching popcorn and gorging on your favourite take-out.

Sometimes happy moments made you sad when you realized you wouldn’t get to share them with your father. This time, you felt whole and as if you could face any problems as long as they stayed by your side.

There was a comfortable lull in conversation and no more remarks at the stupidity of certain movie characters a few hours later when everyone became sleepy. Your head rested drowsily against Seong-hwa’s shoulder, his cheek on the crown of your head, hands intertwined and blissful smiles on both your faces. You were happy, sorrows not forgotten but dulled and overshadowed by the feeling of absolute belonging.

You heard Yeo-sang whispering and giggling with San.

“Hm?” You raised an inquisitive eyebrow at them.

“Oh, don’t mind us. We were just wondering when one of you will gather enough courage to make the first step,” Yeo-sang remarked matter-of-factly with a good-natured smirk on his face as he made a sweeping gesture towards you and Seong-hwa.

Your earlier blush returned full force. You pressed into Seong-hwa’s chest to hide from their encouraging gazes. His chuckle rumbled underneath your ear as he drew you closer with his arm.

“There you go again, ruining my plans to tell her. And do I have to remind you that most of the time it was one of you two who interrupted me when I was approaching the subject? I should put both of you on dish washing duty for the next month,” he answered jokingly.

You had perked up in the middle of his sentence. Was that an indirect confession?

Your head peaked up at him, catching the warm smile directed at you.

“Do you mean that?”

“Of course, I do. So, what do you say, Y/N. Do you want to be the Light Fury to my Toothless?”

“Yes,” was all you managed through the big smile on your face.

What had begun as a horrible day had ended as one of the best days in your life so far. And all thanks to your little extended family and the guy you had fallen in love with.

“That’s nice and all, but please keep things PG-rated, alright? We have a baby in our midst.”

As Jong-ho hit Yun-ho over his head, Seong-hwa threw you one of those smiles that were a cross between amusement and internal suffering. You giggled and snuggled closer again. You were home.