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crazy-little-cool-cat · 6 years ago

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Hand in Glove - Chapter 11 | Ben Hardy x OFC

A/N: it seems that having a meltdown really helps my creative juices flow. Very interesting. This chapter is one of the longer ones, but it’s totally worth it. Italics are Annie’s dream. Enjoy!

Word Count: ~3.6K

Warnings: Fluff, some implied smut (or not so implied? idk), swearing, unexpected plot twists and BOY OH BOY ARE Y’ALL IN FOR A RIDE.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10

Annabelle jolted awake. She felt her stomach lurch, as if she was riding a roller-coaster. She was no stranger to the occasional gassy nights - pregnancy came with all kinds of interesting bodily functions. This pain, however, felt different. Her hand shot to her tummy when she felt it again, stronger this time, making her wince.

“You okay?” Ben mumbled groggily, blindly reaching for Annabelle’s body in the dark. “What’s wrong?”

“Something weird is happeni -” Annabelle’s eyes widened in shock, “oh! There it is again!”

“What is it?” Ben opened his eyes and sat up. His hair was sticking up in every possible direction, his cheek had markings from the pillowcase. Although he was absolutely knackered and sleep deprived, he was talking a mile a minute. “Are you feeling sick? Is your stomach hurting? Do you need to go to the hospital?”

“No, no!” Annie shushed him, “I don’t kn - oh!”

“Do you need anything? Water? A bin to puke in?”

“No, Ben! It’s just…” Annie looked down at her tummy, “It’s like these horrible bubbles of -”

“Seriously.” Ben groaned, “you woke me up and scared me half to death because of gas? Just fart it off, love!”

“It’s not -” Annie huffed, “Ben, it’s not a bloody fart okay?”

“What is it, then?”

“I think… it’s the baby?” Annie’s jaw dropped, eliciting a snort from Ben.

“Are you joking? Are you seriously telling me that the baby just farted?”

“No, you knob, I can feel the baby move!”

“Are you sure?” Ben eye’s lit up, his hands quickly resting on Annie’s bump, “Bumpy, what are you doing, waking mummy up?” Ben groped around as he tried to feel something happen, growing increasingly frustrated, “Annie, if this is some sick prank you’re pulling…”

“It’s not a prank, Ben!”

“I can’t feel anything!”

“Because it’s just swimming around.” Annie kissed Ben lovingly, “It’s still too small.”

####

Didn’t I put this chair back?” Ben rubbed his chin before he shrugged and took the chair back where it came from.

He sat back down on the sofa, next to Annie, pawing at the bowl of popcorn she tried to balance on her still-too-small of a baby bump.

“Ugh, damn it!” Annie groaned and hugged the bowl closer to her chest as she stood up, “Bumpy seems to think my bladder is a trampoline. I just don’t understand.”

“Annie,” Gwil scratched his head, “do you always eat in the loo?”

Annie looked down and groaned again, shoving the bowl at Ben. With muttered profanities, she stomped over to the bathroom.

“Bit forgetful, yeah?” Gwil propped his chin on the top of Clara’s head as she curled up onto his lap.

“Yesterday she went to the supermarket in her jammy bottoms, mate,” Ben sighed, “and her shirt was inside out and wrong way ‘round.”

“Oh no.” Joe, Rami and Lucy gasped.

“She put her phone in Frankie’s dog food container.”

“Honest mistake!” Clara chimed in, “could happen to anyone.”

“She almost microwaved a spoon.”

“How… why?” Rami’s eyes darted from side to side in confusion.

“Pregnancy brain.” Ben shrugged.

“I do not have pregnancy brain, Ben!” Annie pulled a chair from the dining table and placed it right in the way from the living room to the kitchen, “stop saying that I do!”

“Stop saying that you don’t!” Ben teased her and got up to fetch another beer, “Bloody hell, I know I put this chair back earlier!”

“Again with the chair?” Lucy snorted.

“Annie, we don’t need another chair!” Joe said, yet again.

“Oh. Sorry.”

“See, Annie?” Ben walked over to the sofa and stroked her hair, beer long forgotten, “this is exactly why Joe will babysit you when I’m gone.”

“I don’t need a babysitter!”

“You also didn’t need to put that spoon in the microwave and almost press start,” Ben snickered, “or that extra bloody chair.”

####

“I’m cancelling the trip.” Ben crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not going. That’s it.”

Annie was getting undressed to take a shower. With every item of clothing she had taken off, Ben’s willingness to leave on a work related trip dropped.

“This is the 5th time you’ve said that in the last hour, Ben.” Annie chuckled, “and no, you’re absolutely not.”

“I can’t just leave all three of you here alone for five days!”

“We’ll be fine!” Annie walked into the adjoining bathroom and started running the water, waiting for the steam to fog up the room. Still in her knickers, she turned sideways to the mirror and examined her growing baby bump. “How big do you think this could get?”

“It’s not big at all,” Ben leaned against the door frame in his boxers, “it’s tiny and plump. Like a tomato.” He giggled, his tongue poking through his teeth, “or like you.”

“You just called me a tomato, I love tomatoes,” Annie smiled smugly, “I’m not even mad.”

“Anyways, I’m not going. End of story.”

“It’s too late to cancel, Ben,” Annie walked over to him and took his hand, “you’re going. And that’s final.”

“I wanna stay.” He pouted, his hands cradling her bump, “Bumpy wants me to stay.”

“Bumpy wants mummy to not be a crusty mess,” Annie chuckled and turned around, sauntering - as best as she could, considering the circumstances - over to the shower. “Join me?”

“Don’t have to ask me twice,” Ben smirked and quickly discarded his boxers.

####

“God, we should have done this sooner…” his voice was low in Annie’s ear, sending shivers down her spine. His lips fluttering over the skin of her neck and shoulder, his hands trailing down her body, he all but purred, “this should have happened a long, long time ago.”

All Annabelle could do was press her legs closer together, and bite her bottom lip so stop herself from moaning. He palmed one of her breasts, his hand hot over the lacy fabric of her bra, grazing over her hardening nipple. She ran her fingers through his hair, her eyes and her mind clouded with lust.

“Do you have any idea,” he reached over, behind her back, and unclasped her bra, “how sexy you are?” He slid one strap down her shoulder, “’course you do,” then the other.

Annie tried to keep her breathing steady as he slid her bra down her arms and chucked it aside. The look in his eyes was all but predatory. Like a wild beast, right before it pounces on its’ prey.

His lips travelled all over her body, covering every single inch, leaving marks along the way. Annie squirmed under him, arching her back when his fingers finally hooked around the fabric of her panties. A small whimper escaped her lips as he nibbled on the skin under her belly button.

“Eager?” he raised an eyebrow and licked his lips. His fingers danced on her legs, from her ankles to her knees.

He dipped his hand down between them, prying her legs open, and swooped in between them. Annie moved her leg over his head to let him. With her legs on either side of him, he rubbed his nose against her clothed cunt.

“Joe, please.”

####

“Joe, please.”

Joe dropped Annie’s feet to his lap and whipped his head sideways, a shocked expression on his face. Annie was fast asleep, her torso propped up slightly so she could lay on her back comfortably while they were both watching the telly after dinner.

When Ben had asked Joe to stay with Annie while he was travelling for work, all three knew things might get weird. While Annie objected at first, she couldn’t deny the fact that having Joe to help around with Frankie and keep her company in the evenings was nice. Plus, being pregnant meant she could get special treatment from him, be it foot-rubs or midnight snacks. This, however, was not what Joe - or Ben - had in mind.

Annie smirked in her sleep, shifting her hips in a slight rolling motion. Joe’s breath caught in his chest. He froze. He knew Annie was sleeping, therefore, she must be dreaming. The fact that she was dreaming a certain dream about him, of all people, came as a surprise.

“Joe…” she purred, yet he wasn’t even touching her.

He was transfixed by the sight in front of him. A light blush creeped its’ way up her chest and neck, reaching her cheeks. Her hips rolled lazily, her fingers twitching as if she’s grasping at something. His shock soon turned into amusement as her dream progressed. He wondered how far this could go before she wakes up. An almost pornographic moan escaped her lips, making Joe blink in bewilderment before his brain kicked back into gear.

He looked around for something to throw against the wall. With a triumphant smile, Joe grabbed Ben’s xBox controller and chucked it as hard as he could. The loud noise alerted Frankie that something isn’t normal, and she flew barking into the room, ears flapping like wings.

The raucous woke Annie up with a start. Her eyes flew open as she sat up straighter, her gaze following Frankie to where the controller was now in pieces. With furrowed brows, she looked at Joe.

“Oops.”

“Joe, did you break Ben’s controller?”

“Yeah?”

“What the actual fuck?” Annie reached over and smacked his arm, “why?!”

“I… Well…” Joe’s hesitation gave Annie time to think about what she had just dreamt. Horror washed over her face. “I was frustrated! FIFA sucks!”

####

“Where’s Annie?” Ben sounded frantic, “she’s not answering her phone!”

“It’s 1:30AM, Ben,” Joe flicked off the living room lights and wormed his way under the covers on the pull-out couch, “she’s asleep. She’s growing a human inside of her, it’s very tiring.”

“Is she getting enough sleep?”

“Plenty.”

“What was that tone for?”

“What tone?”

“You know what tone.”

“There was no tone!”

“There definitely was.”

“Sleep deprivation really did a number on you, buddy. You’re hearing things.” Joe pursed his lips and swallowed back a giggle. “By the way, does she always talk in her sleep?”

Joe could practically hear the cogs clicking together in Ben’s brain as he put two and two together.

“Oh God.” Ben groaned. He knew there was a risk of this happening, he just hoped it would happen at night, when she’s alone in her bed, and Joe’s nowhere to be found. “She’s getting louder, eh?”

“Louder?” Joe echoed, “she wasn’t loud at all.”

“I mean, if you could hear her saying your name all the way from the bedroom -” something dropped on Ben’s end, “-what the fuck were you doing in my bed?!”

“Working in a soap-opera really messed up with your head, didn’t it?” Joe snorted, “I was never in your bed. That would be disgusting. You are a sick, sick man.”

“If you want to keep your face in its’ current arrangement, you’d better explain yourself, fast.”

“We were watching TV after dinner, she fell asleep on the couch,” Joe sighed, “I gave her a foot-rub. It must have triggered a deep yearning inside of her and, really, Benny, can you blame her?”

“Sod off!”

“That’s all there was to it. I woke her up before it got out of hand.”

“Did she say anything about it?”

“Nope. I was very discreet.”

“Good, good.”

“You’re going to need a new xBox controller, though.”

####

“Hey, Bumpy!” Gwil rubbed Annie’s baby bump.

“I’m here too, you know?” Annie laughed and hopped on the tips of her toes to kiss Gwilym on the cheek, “thank for coming with me.”

“Ben vowed to murder me in my sleep if I let you go alone,” Gwil sighed, “I’m just not ready to die.”

“I still don’t know why he didn’t just ask Joe,” Annie stuffed Frankie’s leash in her purse.

“Your wet dreams about Joe and the fact that you’re going to have your fanny on display at some point in the exam might have something to do with it,” Gwil took Frankie’s leash out of Annie’s purse, “but hey, what do I know.”

“I do not -”

“Yeah, you do.” Gwil snickered and started helping Annie put on her jacket.

“How do you even know that?!”

“Take a wild guess.”

“Christ, they’re like a two-headed monster!” Annie felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment. “Why’d they tell you?!”

“That’s exactly what I said when they told me.” Gwil shrugged. “They just like sharing.”

“Disgusting.”

“I know.”

“They need to stop,” Annie slid her hands into her jacket’s sleeves, “this is getting out of hand.”

“You’re absolutely right, Banana,” Gwil ushered Annie out the door, gently nudging Frankie back with his foot, “but that would be impossible.”

“I know,” Annie locked the door and hooked her arm with Gwil’s, “but a girl can dream.”

####

“Oh, hello!” Dr. McCarthy flipped her hair, her eyes landing on Gwilym, “you’re not Ben!”

“No, he’s not,” Annie smiled, “This is Gwilym. My cousin. Ben’s away on a work thing.”

“Oh no,” Dr. McCarthy tutted, “he must be so upset!”

“He is,” Annie confirmed, biting the inside of her cheek, “but he sent a stand-in.”

“Yes, my job is very important,” Gwilym pulled his phone out of his back pocket and opened up the camera app, setting it to video, “I’m the videographer!”

“That is very important indeed,” Dr. McCarthy chuckled, “let’s just have a look here and make sure we’re alright…” she furrowed her brows as she looked at the chart. “Right! Perfect!”

Gwil started shuffling backwards uncomfortable, dreading the fact he might be present during a pelvic exam. With a mortified expression, he looked around the room, trying to act casual.

“Gwilym, you can relax,” Dr. McCarthy rolled her eyes, “I’m not giving her a pelvic exam.”

“Oh, thank God,” Gwil sighed, “I was afraid I’d have to see Annie’s fanny and -”

His speech was cut short by Annie’s loud laughter. Holding her bump, Annie laughed so hard that no sound came out. Tears started forming at the corners of her eyes. Her whole body was shaking.

“Annie’s!” Annie choked out, “Annie’s fanny!!!”

“Like talking to a bloody four year old…” Gwil muttered and shook his head.

“Annabelle, I can’t do this unless you settle down, love,” Dr. McCarthy waved the bottle of gel at Annie as she spoke, “don’t make me call Ben.”

“I’m fine, I’m okay -” Annie squeaked before another wave of laughter washed over her. Dr. McCarthy and Gwil stood quietly as they waited for the storm to pass. “Alright, let’s do this!”

“Are you sure you’re all done?” Dr. McCarthy raised an eyebrow.

“Squirt some gel on me, Doc!”

“What in the bloody hell is happening?” Gwil muttered and pointed the camera at the small screen, “Annie, can you not say that word? That’s just wrong.”

“What word? Gel?”

“Are you kidding?”

“Oh, you mean ‘squirt’?” Annie said and smirked when Gwil grimaced.

“Children, I’m going to have to ask you to stop bickering,” Dr. McCarthy moved the probe around and a baby’s silhouette appeared on the screen, “we have very important matters to attend to!”

“I see a little silhouetto of a…?” Gwil sang softly, making Annie snort and giggle.

“Are you a Queen fan as well?” Dr. McCarthy asked as she tried to find a good enough angle to see if the baby is a boy or a girl.

“Fan?” Annie scoffed, “he’s Brian May!”

“Oh?” Dr. McCarthy paused her probing and turned to give Gwil a proper look, “oh! Yes, yes he is!”

“It’s uncanny!” Annie gushed, “you should see him in costume! With the hair and -”

“Hi, yes, hello,” Gwil peeked over the side of the phone, “we’re here to find out if that little rascal you’re growing in there is a boy rascal or a girl rascal, remember?”

“This is just like having Ben with us!” Dr. McCarthy winked at Annie and focused on the screen, “alright, looks like you’re having a…”

Dr. McCarthy slid the probe around a little more, making sure she wasn’t determining the wrong sex. The tension in the room was palpable.

“A puppy?” Annie joked, filling the uncomfortable silence, “a watermelon?”

“A girl.”

####

Annie opened her eyes slowly. Her legs were propped up on the coffee table, Frankie’s head in her lap, her hand rubbing the pup’s head softly. The jingle of keys alerted her of Ben’s presence.

“What’re you doing here? You should be sleeping!” Ben murmured as he approached the sofa. Annie threw her head back and stretched her arms up, wiggling her fingers. Ben didn’t need any further explaining, he bent down and pressed an upside-down kiss to Annie’s lips. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“Ben, you were gone for five days!”

“Yes,” Ben mumbled against her lips and kissed her again, “the fifth being the most important. I’m sorry I couldn’t call or text…”

“It’s fine,” Annie giggled after shutting him up with a kiss, “really.”

Ben hopped over the back of the sofa, making Frankie flee, and flopped down beside Annabelle. He pressed a quick kiss to her bump and then to her lips, taking his hand in hers.

“Did it go well?”

“Perfect.”

“Do we know?”

“If by ‘we’ you mean Gwil and I -” Annie smirked smugly, “we do, yeah.”

“I can’t believe I wasn’t there,” he groaned and cupped her face in his hands to pepper kisses all over her face, “I’m the most horrible -”

“You’re not allowed to call yourself that,” Annie clamped his mouth shut with her fingers, “okay?”

“I’m just so,” he kissed her lips once, “so,” the second kiss lingered a little more, “sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Annie stroked his hair, “Gwil and Joe were perfect gentlemen and they made sure I was fine.”

“I’ll send them a fruit basket and a thank-you note,” Ben winked, “are you planning to tell me what Bumpy is?”

“Will you leave me again for so long?”

“Nope.” Ben kissed the tip of her nose, “taking you, Bumpy and Frankie with me next time.”

“Promise?”

“Vow.” Ben pressed a kiss to Annie’s palm, then her knuckles.

“Girl.”

Ben blinked in confusion a couple of times. His eyes darting left and right, his brows furrowed.

“Sorry?”

“Bumpy is a girl.” Annie poked at her tummy. “We’re having a girl.”

“A girl?” Ben’s confusion turned to elation right in front of Annie’s eyes, “A girl!”

Ben reached over Annie’s shoulder with his arm and pulled her to him, cupping her face with his free hand. His lips quickly found hers, locking in a passionate kiss. They both gasped, feeling butterflies flutter in their stomachs, trying to escape. Annie wrapped her fingers around Ben’s wrist with one hand and stroked his cheek with the other.

They smiled against each other, humming happily into the kiss. Ben tried to pull Annie impossibly closer, squishing her and their baby in an uncomfortable position. He broke the kiss and smiled apologetically before he reached down to rub her belly. His mouth slightly open, he couldn’t stop looking from her bump to her eyes, full of awe.

“You have no idea how much I love you,” he murmured, looking down at his hand.

“I might have a small clue…”

“Yeah?” Ben bit his bottom lip as Annie pushed him back and climbed on top of him, straddling his lap.

“Mhm,” Annie pulled off his shirt first, then hers, “definitely.”

“You know,” Ben purred before he cupped her face again, pulling her in for a kiss, “I quite like this side effect of your pregnancy.”

“What?” Annie breathed when Ben gently pushed her away, breaking the kiss. Ben’s hands travelled all over her body.

“You’re so bloody horny all the time.”

####

“I can’t believe Gwil knew before I did!” Joe sulked, “it’s not fair. I practically lived with Annie for five days while you were cavorting around in -”

“Cavorting?” Gwil raised an eyebrow, “big word!”

“Shut up!” Joe flipped him the bird. “Anyways, I demand to be the godfather.”

“Not again!” Jamie and Rami groaned simultaneously, both dropping their faces in their hands.

“It’s only fair!” Joe crossed his arms with a huff, “Since I basically babysat both Annie and Bumpy for almost an entire week, you know. Meanwhile, all Gwil did was drive her to the Doctor’s and point a camera!”

“Hey, that wasn’t as easy as you make it sound!” Annie interjected.

“For fuck’s sake! Enough!” Gwil got up abruptly, “I’m getting another beer. Clara?”

“Of course.”

“Anyone else?” Gwil looked around the room.

“No,” Joe smirked, “no beer for me. But if you could be a doll and get me the godfather title, that would be perfect.” Joe muttered under his breath.

“I heard that!”

“Good!” Joe retorted, “I was practically screaming it!”

“You realise we won’t tell you the sex of the baby unless you stop?” Annie glared at her boyfriend’s best friend, “you need to shut it. This entire group of people depends on you, shutting it.”

Joe was visibly shocked by Annie’s bluntness, his mouth opening and closing like a fish as he tried to think of a good enough comeback. Ben and Annie exchanged a quick glance and a curt nod, as if saying ‘we better act fast!’.

“It’s a girl.”

Rami, Jamie and Clara erupted in cheers and laughter, jumping to their feet and hugging each other. It took them around five minutes to figure out that they haven’t even gave the expecting parents a second glance, let alone a hug. With Gwil back in the living room, and Joe squeezing in, they quickly formed a huddle.

“Well, what do you know!” Joe stuck out his chest, “that’s perfect! If I can’t be the godfather,” He smiled mischievously, “then her name better be Joesephine, or I’m throwing hands!”

TAGLIST: @ramibaby @xgoingdownx @clara-who @violetpond @sweeterthancheese @drummerqueenrmt @westansstuff @rogerinamainbitch @justgivemethekeys @blondecarfucker @cheeseedreams47 @rogerspoison @deacy-dearest

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joejoetheracer · 8 years ago

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Some new questions for the people of dogblr, because you always give great answers!

1). What time is your dog’s/dogs’ last meal? 2). What time do you and they go to bed - are they in your bedroom or somewhere else? 3). What time do you get up in the morning? 4). Optional extra! - What’s your ‘going to bed’ routine for the dogs?

I find the different ways you all co-habit with your dogs endlessly interesting! For me, we go to bed at 10pm (small supper, out for a wee, onto his bed, lights out) and get up at 5:30am - Joe starts whining as soon as he hears my bed creak in the morning because he wants his breakfast! Of course he can’t differentiate between weekdays and weekends so no lie-ins for me anymore. I could ignore him, but going much past his expected brekkie time tends to end in bile pukes. Task master!

So, how's it work in your house? :)

#dogblr #questions for the masses #I'm genuinely interested!#snootblr

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demurelass · 7 years ago

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Trying to organize my thoughts .. (please don’t read)

I experienced the physical/mental/emotional difference between being sad and being depressed. I don’t have depressive episodes often, but I’m going through my first one since this last winter.

I experienced real, genuine sadness a few weeks ago when my dog died in an accident. I did not get depressed or anxious, I simply felt sad that he was gone, and as horrible as the circumstances were, it was beautiful. I hadn’t experienced such light, healthy sadness in so long. I was simply sad that he was gone, that I was going to miss him like crazy, and that he had to go the way he did, but again, it felt so healthy.

This weekend, not sure what triggered it but I fell into a bottomless pit of depression saturday during the day. My boyfriend left at about 1:30 pm and all I did is cry until about 9pm. I hadn’t felt this way since winter, and I realized how excruciating “depression sadness” is compared to “normal sadness”. All I did is cry, and I couldn’t stop. At times I’d be crying for no particular reason, I just felt so empty and alone. Other times I found myself thinking of all of the negative things I’ve been through and have felt, as if I were trying to give myself a reason as to why I was so horribly sad so I would feel less crazy, which obviously only made me feel worse.

In the past, whenever I felt like I was getting depressed I would bring my dog over. He gave me purpose. I had to take care of him. I was forced to get out of bed because of him. I had to feed him, walk him, bathe him, play with him.. etc. As that thought crossed my mind I got even worse. The depression hit me so hard last night I actually almost puked. I felt physically ill.

A friend of mine messaged me at around 9pm inviting me to a potluck think with my latino friends and stuff. I was in bed, runny nose, and puffy eyes so I immediately wanted to say no, but I thought “maybe if I go I’ll feel better”. So he picked me up, and we met up with everyone at a friend’s house. It was great, until I got bombarded with questions about everything I was tying to avoid thinking about which is why I went to this thing in the first place, to forget about it.

There’s this boy with autism that always goes to these things, and he doesn’t express emotions. He used to love my dog, and he always asks about him. Last night he asked about him and I explained that he passed away in an accident. I knew exactly what to expect, I just hadn’t prepared for it mentally. If I’m honest I kind of forgot about him, so I wasn’t ready for this to happen. He proceeded to say things like “that’s too bad” and “poor dog” which I was fine with, but he then followed me around all night asking things like “So are you getting a new dog? where is he buried? your new dog is gonna be named elliot #2? What did he look like when he died?” And I couldn’t do it. His mom is usually there, and I was so embarrassed because I had tears running down my cheek, and I said to his mom “I adore your son, he is a great person, but either he needs to learn his limits or you need to keep a closer eye on him”. I ended up apologizing to her at the end of the night, but I was just over everything. I was done with that entire day.

I stuck to the other kids my age and hung out with them all night, but the older people kept approaching me to ask about things that are really none of their business, and things that I was trying to not think about. Again, I went to this thing so I could get my mind off of it all. But everyone kept asking me about what’s gonna happen to me and my boyfriend when I move away, and adults can’t keep their useless comments to themselves so I also heard a lot of “you’re too young to be in a relationship” and “maybe you’ll find yourself a hot australian” and “you guys are so young it’s unlikely it’ll last anyway”. Like yeah, fucking thanks that’s exactly what I wanted to hear you stupid fucks.

And to put the cherry on top, this one lady was ranting about her panic attacks and how she gets chest pains and can’t breathe and loses control of herself during them. She kept on saying things like “you’re lucky you’re young and happy” and “you have no idea how horrifying panic attacks are”. I’m obviously not gonna get into a “who has the worst panic attacks” argument with a 50 year old lady so I just laughed things off, but later that night she had the most horrifying panic attack. I’ve only had two panic attacks like that before, where you literally gasp for air and your chest hurts from trying to breathe, and you cry hysterically because you feel like you’re about to die. Except when it happened to me I went outside so others wouldnt have to see me like that. This lady fully started panicking and pacing around the house yelling that she thinks she’s dying, which made ME have a fucking panic attack. So my night ended with me, shaking and crying outside with my friends.

I got dropped off at 2am, I went straight to bed and cried until 4:30am.

I had set an alarm for 9am. Some friends wanted to go out in the afternoon and I was supposed to go out with my boyfriend in the evening, so I only had the morning to clean because showings for my apartment start tomorrow.

I somehow slept through my alarms and woke up at noon. Normally when I have to get things done I wake up pretty motivated. I enjoy cleaning and blasting music while I’m at it. Today, I woke up and just cried until 3pm. I got up to use the bathroom, went back to bed. I felt like trash. And I wanted to get up because I knew it would make me feel better, but when I did (to make food) I just sat at the table crying.

I asked my boyfriend if we were still going out tonight and he said “yeah if you want”. I’m never fully convinced by a responde like that but I also never make a deal out of it. I’ll just say “hell yeah” and carry on. I guess because I’ve had such negative thoughts in my mind, a lot of them about my boyfriend, this was just kinda adding to that. I’ve been feeling insecure, and it’s not his fault. I just have a lot of baggage I’ve never dealt with and apparently this shit can really affect future relationships, who knew. But yeah, the whole “if you want” thing set me off. Typical crazy girlfriend shit or whatever. So I told him to forget it and that I didn’t wanna go anymore.

Then I messaged my friend to cancel our plans, but they convinced me to get out of the house for fresh air and what not. So I did, and it was a nice time. I thought I was acting normal, or at least just calmer than usual, but my friends said I was abnormally quiet and dozed off a lot more than normal. I think I managed to convince them that I was just tired and that I was “dozing off” cause I was doing more listening than talking but that it was because I had nothing to say. To be fair, they mostly talked about people that I don’t know so I’m not sure how I was supposed to contribute.

They offered me a ride home but I walked since I thought it would do me well. I cried walking home though. I wasn’t even thinking about anything, I just felt empty and heavy.

Now I’m at home, taking a bath, very well knowing I should be cleaning but at the same time thinking “fuck it”.

I’ve had some suicidal thoughts, but I also know this isn’t going to last much longer. It usually only lasts a few days. A week tops.

**Some things in my head I couldn’t organize**

My boyfriend went to a thing last night. Saw a girl in particular on his snap that I’ve met once. This triggered anxiety. Don’t fucking fully get why but it did.

My brother texted me to guide me through visa application. I felt irritated and hung up on him.

My friend’s sexist dad made rude remarks at his wife all night. Triggered anxiety.

#personal

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againjack · 8 years ago

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Extremes

Friday evening I arrived a few minutes earlier than Colby suggested. As expected, he showed up 40 minutes late (50 after I arrived.) I had taken care of his dog and spent time doing things around the house (taking out trash,emptying dishwasher, folding laundry, etc.) He wanted to go out to dinner before the Cirque show, but, based on his being late the places he wanted to go wouldn’t be quick enough, so we ended up at Steak and Shake. I’m ok with this, at least we got to eat before the show. That and it was a nice break from all the fancy places we’ve been to and a chance for him to see me in that environment.

The show was amazing. We both loved it. He was very appreciative and couldn’t stop telling me thank you and how he loved the show, going with me, and that I planned/paid for it. I am not sure how I feel about all that.

When walking to the tent we had some interesting conversations. One was my telling him what I’ve spent on all these things and how my credit cards are maxed out (partially due to shifting funds to pay off the car) and how it will be a while before I do something big or like this again. The other was a random comment that I joked I can be classy, to which he responded to that he knew me well enough to know it was just a front. That really hurt and took me aback. I am glad he feels he knows me, but to not know that I would be hurt by being told I’m not good enough? Really? Who appreciates being told they are trash?

That evening while cuddling in bed he randomly said, “You are so amazing.” I thanked him and told him that it was nice because it helped soften the “not classy” comment earlier. Apparently he was being sarcastic or something? He said he didn’t really mean it, but there was no way to tell. The tone he used when telling me I was amazing was truly full of awe and love. He sounded surprised and that he was just realizing how lucky he was to be with me.

Saturday morning I made breakfast, which he enjoyed. We then split ways to run our various errands and stuff. I ended up napping because still fighting headache and low grade nausea. We were going to meet back up to go do game night with his friends. Again, I beat him back to his place and took care of the dog. I am very grateful to have access to the hidey key so I can come and go as needed rather than waiting on him. He realized when he got home he forgot to pick up the dog’s pain pills. The vet closed at noon, the pharmacy closed at 5, and it was now 6. He was very angry with himself and asked to be left alone in his office, so I studied my Hebrew and prepped for my final mikveh training class. I was worried, but, knew it was best to just let him be.

He eventually said we wouldn’t be going to game night, but instead would be spending the evening at the emergency vet. We walked the dog and I tried to console him, which upset him more so I just shut up.

I had an idea, that since he told me he doesn’t want to do anything physical when I’m on my period, that maybe since I was bleeding there would be no expectations so we could talk about things. He said not only did he not want to talk about it, it was too stressful over all. The impression he gave me was that he is 100% fine with how things are and doesn’t want it to change. (How he reconciles that with wanting kids and KNOWING that we both feel sex is important to a relationship I don’t know.) He has a bad habit of repeating himself, even after I stop, which makes it feel as if he is over reacting or that what I say or do is just THAT bad. Not a good feeling. In addition to his having a cow over wanting to chat about sex, he then snapped at me, “Just let me get through killing my dog.”

He is really hurting over that. He doesn’t like anything about euthanizing or any euphamism or how it is better than letting the dog be in pain. He said it is murdering his dog and he just can’t bring himself to kill him. (He will, this week, but doing so is really hurting him on multiple levels.)

I get he is stressed. I get he is emotional. I was trying to add levity and a distraction in a safe space/manner. I want to give him a pass for those things, but that snap REALLY hurt. I felt my eyes well. I did my best to hide from him my reaction, because I didn’t want him to feel worse and maybe turn it back on me.

Then he put the dog in his car. I asked him to give me a minute to grab my purse. He said he didn’t want me to come with him. That hurt a lot too. But fine, that is what you want, I won’t go.

I hadn’t eaten since breakfast so I told him that and asked him if I should wait for him or eat. He didn’t answer me (that I heard. He said later that he did tell me to eat without him.) I wasn’t sure how long he would be, and from the sound of it, it would be hours. So I ate some food I had made and brought for him so that he wasn’t finding himself late, with no food, making poor and unhealthy choices. And I started cleaning/seasoning his new cast iron skillets and oiling his wooden spoons (that soooo needed it.) The entire time the hurt got worse, so I decided to do something.

You know the saying of killing someone with kindness when they are mean to you? I decided to be the best possible girlfriend. I knew that he had to be out early for Sunday school, and it would be early enough that I may not have a chance to make breakfast for him and I wanted to ensure he had food. Especially since breakfast food is his favorite. So I went around the corner to Panera to get several pastries. He’s got a hard few days ahead, I can spoil him a little bit to help get through it. I then went to the grocery store to get ice cream as comfort food for me that night. And again, being the good girlfriend, I had noted things he needed so I picked up a treat for him and stuff he needed.

Turns out he wasn’t gone long. He let me know he was on his way back, I let him know I was out so he wasn’t surprised when I wasn’t there. He then said he wanted to go to game night. And of course he made it a guilt trip that he “wanted to spend time with his friends and cake for his birthday.” *glare* Way to make things worse, buddy. I was NOT happy. Even when I came back and told him what I got and how I needed comfort food and retail therapy (that I channeled into the food) he didn’t ask me why or what for. I did NOT want to go. I was afraid that I would say something that would sting or be more than he wanted anyone to know. Again, I found myself tearing up as we drove to his friend’s house.

We got there and when I was asked what I wanted to drink, I gave a look that the guy asking totally understood and he poured me a scotch. Never mind I don’t enjoy bourbon/whiskey/scotch but I drank it. No, I did not enjoy it at all. Then after eating cake and starting gaming I asked the host what was available that wasn’t wine, beer, or scotch. He had spiced rum that we mixed with coconut water. Not my normal thing but it was what I needed. The group loved the games I brought and we played #HashtagIt which was hilarious and awesome. (It’s basically Cards Against Humanity but with pictures (black cards) and hashtags (white cards.)) At some point I poured myself another glass, a bit stiffer by accident.

Once we decided the game was over I made my way to the bathroom, where I ended up spending the next several hours. After doing my business I realized I was not well and hung out leaning against the sink. Someone noticed at some point I was gone and the hostess came to check on me - which was when I threw up. I was so embarrassed and so worried that it would be the last straw for Colby, since he had so much on his proverbial plate. The hostess told Colby to go home without me and she did an awesome job helping to take care of me. Which really wasn’t much other than get me a towel that I used alternately as a pillow and blanket as I slept on the floor. As far as I know, I only puked twice. I was horrified it was into the sink, so I did what I could to clean it up which wasn’t much. It was about then that I laid back down and fell asleep. Apparently in my sleep I did a deep clean of the entire bathroom according to the hostess.

I noticed when I got up at one point that the sink was clean, I felt so bad that someone else cleaned that up. I managed to stand and walk by 4:30am and found that there was a pillow and blankets on the couch waiting for me, as well as another person was sleeping on the other arm of the couch. (It is a big sectional in the shape of an L.) I texted Colby an apology and plugged my phone in to charge. I didn’t sleep well and kept waking up, but every little bit helped. At some point the kids and hostess got up, as well as the other person, so I got up too. We got details from the hostess as to what we missed (not much) and I folded up the blankets. The other person gave me a ride back to Colby’s. When driving into his neighborhood we past Colby on his way to Sunday school. I’m not sure he realized it was us.

I was still worried, even though both the hostess and the guy who gave me a ride said that Colby and I were ”solid.” Colby did text me after Sunday school that there was no need to apologize and it wasn’t about anything he needed or not. (My apology was that he didn’t need my not holding my liquor in addition to his other stressors.) I’m not sure on the tone of the text so I’m still not sure where things stand.

This afternoon Colby’s ex is going to his place to say goodbye to the dog, since he was hers before she and Colby got together. I hope to avoid her.

We’ll see how tonight goes. I’m a ball of anxiety.

#dating Colby #oh shit #wtf #amazing

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