#my family is like. weird about it ig. but it’s like valid concerns.

[merevide]

i feel like i need a good cry. like just absolutely sobbing my eyes out, unable to catch my breath, headache inducing cry. (goes on about my day as normal)

[jayflrt]

hi akka!! it’s been a while omg but school’s finally out for me 😋😋 hehe hru? i hope you’re well!! help this is so random & kind of tmi but it just came to mind while i was writing this.. idk if this is normal or maybe im just weirdly paranoid abt everything 😓😓 so my family goes on road trips often & we usually have to make stops in small towns. maybe for gas, to switch drivers or just to get snacks, etc. sometimes my dad wants to take a smoke or restroom break (he’s usually the one driving the whole time) and so he’ll stop over at a gas station in like some random town. sometimes he’ll just be gone for like a good 10-20 minutes inside the gas station (he’s just very slow ig idk 😭) and i honestly get so scared bc i’m like “is he okay” “what happened to him” like just “where is he??” bc omg it’s so fucking scary waiting 🤧 maybe i’m just being dramatic but there’s usually not that many poc in those small towns and also a lot of the cars usually have the maga and white pride stickers everywhere 💀💀 so i just get terrified & i swear it’s like a horror movie or smtg bc i can feel them all staring at us like we’re not supposed to be there and it’s so creepy (no bc literally they’ll all stare at us and our car…) most of time though, the people in the gas stations are pretty nice but it’s still scary bc you never know when you might meet the wrong person… and omg we actually went on a road trip a few weeks ago and went to arkansas… so idk if you’ve heard of it but there’s like this one town there that’s supposedly the most racist bc it reportedly has a kkk location there which is completely messed up & apparently we actually drove through that town 🤧 help i only realized after we had left but i remember seeing such weird stuff everywhere 😭😭 people literally like graffitied their own houses and cars with things like “don’t blame me, i voted democrat”, “trump 2024” “biden’s a trader”and “fuck biden” (i was confused though bc other than the grammar mistakes, the “i voted democrat” thing made no sense when they were complaining abt democrats 😭😭) help i just always feel so uncomfortable going through those towns ☹️☹️ & omg it’s srsly so weird but there’s always huge confederate flags everywhere and also i saw so many billboards advertising websites that sold guns, like the really big & dangerous ones 😭😭 ahhh i srsly just get so uncomfortable in those environments… omg i’m so sorry for the long ask & i probably didn’t make much sense 😭😭 anyways i hope you have a great day/night <33 - little sis anon

hihi little sis anon !!!! omg long time no see 🤧💓 i hope you’re doing well love 🥰 congrats on finishing school !! and i hope you get to have a rlly fun vacation :’))

also about your concern — i think that’s perfectly valid to get worried over !! there are a lot of places that are dangerous for poc in this day and age so that’s a totally normal thing to be scared about :(( maybe you could tell your dad that it scares you when he does that ?? i don’t think you’re being dramatic at all tho !! 😞 oh gosh i feel like i’ve heard the thing about the kkk town? but that’s so terrifying that you actually went through there 😭😭 tbh i live in a pretty liberal area and get shaken up when i hear about hate crimes that happen around the area :// i can’t imagine going through an area like that, i would be so scared 😭

also no need to apologize !! your ask made perfect sense :’)) that does sound so scary tho and i’m sorry that you had to be in that sort of environment :( pls stay safe love and i hope you aren’t surrounded by such things for long !! 💘💘 have a great day/night 🥰🥰

[transtenzin]

ok umm deleted my first post like a minute after posting because i started panicking and had to type it out again because i didn’t save anything like the dumbass i am, but here it is again 😭

so anyways

nonbinary tenzin!!!

(i’ll be using they/them pronouns for tenzin in this)

katara and aang are trans as well. katara’s a trans girl, and aang’s not a boy or a girl and that’s all you need to know–even if that much 🙄 so it’s not like tenzin and their siblings grow up not knowing that’s a Thing, because they are both very open about gender, especially aang, who encourages them to Think Some Thoughts about gender.

and tenzin tries.

oh boy, do they try lmaoo

tenzin thinks about gender. they don’t really get it tbh. and not in a comedic “what even is gender” meme kind of way, but like. genuinely. but at this point they’re kind of too embarrassed to seriously ask. katara and sokka make gender sound simple and clean-cut, while aang makes it sound like some sort of vague, weird concept, and tenzin’s siblings just kinda took their own interpretations of these and ran with them.

like, okay, sure. tenzin is seen as a boy by the people in the around them. there are certain expectations and assumptions around this perception/what it means. they don’t necessarily like all of them–which is its own can of worms when deciding why–if that is because they simply don’t like these conceptions, or if they don’t like them because they aren’t a guy, but like… picking that apart sounds stressful and complicated.

tenzin hasn’t brought it up with anyone because it’s kind of an awkward and embarrassing thing to admit, but they Super Do Not Like how their voice has gotten deeper. after a while they have realized it is not just the voice cracking thing going on that they don’t like, but just like. in general. everything is okay until they open their mouth 🙃

it’s not like, Every Conversation, but sometimes when they’re talking to someone and it’s a bit quiet, listening to their own voice makes their stomach drop. like that’s really what they sound like. fantastic. 🙃🙃🙃 (/s)

they think about this some but like… not liking their voice doesn’t necessarily mean anything?

kya’s a trans lesbian, and when kya comes out to their family tenzin finally gathers the courage and asks her how she knew. kya admits that it wasn’t like a single sudden realization or a point in life where she just Knew like most people seem to think there is. there were a lot of things that factored into it, but one of the main things wasn’t really how she felt with being misgendered as a boy, but the comfort she took in knowing that there were other things she could be perceived as instead, and other things she could be.

that’s the first time that someone’s ever explained to tenzin their self discovery with that much understanding. it’s a lot better than bumi’s “idk. if you know you know, you know” + generally being annoying about it every time tenzin tries to have a serious conversation (bumi is agender and when they’re like “but how do you know what your gender is” he’s like “you think i would know? rip to you all with genders but i’m different 😌”)

so after this conversation with her, tenzin is just like…. 👁👄👁 omg okay…. that actually makes some sense.

that gets him thinking more, but this time in a more specific direction. they still don’t know anything for sure though. tenzin Suspects they are not Exactly a boy, but other than that??? anyone’s guess is as good as theirs lmao. they try to take comfort in know there are ‘other things’ they could be, but mostly it just ends up stressing them out.

-

after tenzin and pema are together, tenzin has been thinking about it even more, and wants to talk to pema about it. like. tenzin has decided that there is a large possibility that they are not a man, and choosing a specific label just sounds so… permanent. they haven’t talked to kya or bumi or anyone about THEIR gender, specifically, because like… what’re they going to say? “hey actually i don’t think i’m a guy” “then what are you?” “idk good question”???

but tenzin has been questioning for a while now (like. a while a while LOL), and they want to trust pema with this.

(EDIT: also time to mention pema is a trans woman. i forgot to mention this for some reason)

one day pema says something along the lines of “ur my husband” and tenzin takes the opportunity and kind of just laughs like… what if i’m not… jk…. unless…? 😳😳

it’s not exactly how tenzin wanted to approach the subject ofc. pema grows kind of concerned when they’re like “well… actually… i might not be” and needs to clarify they still very much are pema’s spouse, but like… not husband, specifically. but yes, spouse. maybe?

tenzin is embarrassed at first to admit this because they’re like 40 years old. they just had their first kid. are they not a bit old for this?? (the answer is no, there is no age limit to this sort of thing.)

pema is happy to know and tenzin is happy to have told her because even if they’re still figuring it out at least there is someone who kind of Knows that there is a Possibility They Are Not Cis. and pema’s kind of like… idk… if you’ve been thinking about this for that long then i think there is More than a possibility that you Aren’t Cis. to which tenzin makes sure to emphasize they are still not 100% certain about anything.

pema’s like okay that’s fine but like… you know that you don’t have to be 100% certain to try on a label? labels are not things that have to be permanent. if in a few weeks you are just 70% certain that you’re nonbinary, you’re allowed to say you’re nonbinary. if some time later you find another label you’re more confident in, you can change to that. you don’t have to be absolutely 100% all the time to try stuff out.

tenzin surprised pikachu face

okay so… logically, they’ve known this. other people they know have done this, including their siblings. but otherwise? for themself? it honestly hadn’t crossed their mind that they’re allowed to just. say that they feel like x is a term for them, and then change their mind later.

but as simple as pema makes it sound, tenzin kind of internally cringes at the thought of having to say ‘so i told you i was x gender but now i think i’m x”. isn’t it enough of a hassle to do that all once, but again? just because they weren’t sure the first time??? ughhh

what if they ditched the whole thing altogether? throw the entire suitcase out. who needs a label 😌😌 aang kind of didn’t either

-

tenzin starts using any pronouns (like aang did, but aang wanted pronouns to be alternated, while tenzin hasn’t necessarily specified that) by the start of lok, but only with their family and korra.

aang also didnt use a label to describe his gender, and tenzin has been trying to be okay with doing the same.

in lok, hearing pema ask “were tenzin and their siblings this crazy when they were kids?” makes them happier than they can express. it’s like there’s little exclamation marks just going off in their head. like yes!!! that is them!! them!!! Euphoria ™ 💓❤💕💞💗💖💝

and then katara’s reply with “not tenzin, she was always rather serious” and tenzin almost forgets that they have to tell korra that they can’t stay and train her because that also makes them elated, although not quite to the extent that pema using “their” did.

after that they’re still going by any pronouns, but they’ve decided they have a preference for they/them.

when they’re back at air temple island, pema asks about other aspects of gender expression. which like lol tenzin has also been avoiding that thanks 💖 they’ve just been presenting as expected by everyone else–keeping their beard, wearing their usual robes, etc. they’re just like “i’m fine as i am ig” which is true. they’ve thought about changing up their appearance but like lol. they are also on the council and tenzin doesn’t need anything else adding an extra layer of stress on those meetings when everyone already seems inclined to not listen to them. which is also why they haven’t told anyone else about using any pronouns.

-

when season 2 comes around tenzin is still not satisfied with just Not Labeling their gender, but now that they aren’t on the council anymore, they can think about it more.

it’s just… they spent a long time figuring out what gender was, how they felt about their own gender, and while at the time just leaving it alone seemed simpler, it didn’t make them any happier. it really bugs them, actually, lmao.

at this point they are certain they are not a man, and highly doubt they are a woman either. in fact, they’re still not sure if they have a gender like, at all, but they are very hesitant to put a word to it.

they’ve become used to being referred to as a mix of he/they/she/xe/etc. around their family, although their use of he/him has decreased significantly and they mainly use they/them, so when they hear the air acolytes in the southern air temple consistently refer to them as “he”, they sort of have to pause a minute, and then decide to finally say something.

they’re asked then abt their gender and tenzin’s just like… um actually i’m just not putting a label to it atm you know haha ❤

it goes over pretty well but telling other people that makes them realize how much they actually do want to label it, despite how aang used to talk about not needing a word just for others to perceive her gender, and how everyone keeps telling them “that’s valid!”, etc. etc.

the scene in the spirit world with tenzin’s spiritual enlightenment is also about tenzin realizing that they are also free to explore their gender the way THEY want to, not the way everyone else did. even kya’s answer to “how did u know u were trans” doesn’t necessarily have to apply to how they did.

tbh after that tenzin stops caring. and not in an “my gender doesn’t matter to me anymore” way but “it does matter but now i will stop worrying about trying to do gender the ‘right way’“.

afterward they decide they think they are nonbinary. it’s a label that makes them happy, and it does cover what they’ve determined their gender might be. nonbinary is a broad term, and while they’re still not sure of the specifics, that’s okay. if they later discover they’re something else, that’s also okay. they can tell people they are nonbinary, and it’s fine if they have to tell them something different later. it’s not a hassle if it makes them feel happy being out.

-

tenzin’s family can still use any pronouns for them, but now everyone else is using only they/them for them.

tenzin’s okay with being called a husband/father/etc when coming from their family despite their initial talk with pema because they trust that they Get It and know that it’s not in a Cis Way, you know???

tenzin keeps their beard (unfortunately) and keeps shaving their head and stuff but they occasionally wear dresses with long swishy skirts and the euphoria!!!!! 😭😭 they love the cloak swishing you KNOW they’d love long swishy skirts too

this is actually the happiest tenzin can remember being with their gender and stuff. people are using they/any pronouns for them, they are wearing whatever they want, they are nonbinary, AND people know!!!

also time to mention jinora is transfem nonbinary, and she’s a bit nervous about shaving her head at first to get her tattoos. tenzin reassures jinora that her hair will grow back AND she will have her tattoos, which she’s wanted and has welllll since earned. they have a parent/daughter bonding moment over her distress about finally having grown her hair out as long as it was only to shave it all off. 

and tenzin understands that her nervousness doesn’t mean she doesn’t want them–she asked tenzin about getting them way before that. they are hugely significant to her identity, too, just as they are to theirs. tenzin gets it, and keeps going out of their way to give jinora compliments and use her pronouns in front of her while her hair is still growing back.

and ingores that jinora does the same for them for a little while after they tell her they’re nonbinary. no they’re not crying over how sweet their daughter is you are 😭

tenzin is pretty much freely expressing their gender however they want and living their best life now 😌

nonbinary tenzin… ❤❤ we love to see it

also additional headcanons for other characters that didn’t make it in:

sokka is nonbinary and uses ne/nim pronouns

kai is transmasc nonbianry (he/him)

[xp-egg]

paranoia/mental illness/disturbing tw.. related to the post i made on my main blog

So im about to drive up to see my mama for hanukkah, alone as i do each yr. redacted THING happened a few summers ago but essentially bc of it she believes ppl from [Japanese automobile corporation] tried to m*rder her on the job nd now cant keep a job or a place to live so she lives w my baba . i havent talked to her in a year for reasons i will explain ...so we r texting abt my travel plan, cooking plan, talking for the first time all yr besides birthday wishes n stuff, shes talking normally, we say our goodbyes/cantwaittoseeyous. bht 12ish hours later she sends me, un-explained with no preface, a cryptic list of what i slowly figure out are license plate numbers out of nowhere n says ppl are trying to run her over n cackling (this is not new.. just i havent had to deal w it all year and i was hoping she could let it go for just a few days....), i ask if she has gotten to a safe place and ofc she says shit like 'well unfortunately natasha i will never be safe. they follow me at all moments and one day you will read abt ur mother having been killed, etc etc.' like omg i just cant talk to u. At all. Anymore. can i not have one day.. without this... please g*d... she cant be around ANYONE bc she thinks they are all working w [car company] conspiring to m*rder, slander, whatever her.. shes lost 12 jobs in the past 4 years. everytime we go out in public she screams at people for even glancing at her/smiling at her and claims they were [doing some weird threatening thing they certainly werent ? .. like sometimes ppl with certain names or wearing A CERTAIN COLOR is enough to be a SIGN and she loses it and starts telling them loudly to fuck off and stop looking at her.... my non-hallucinating brain as a witness] and im mildly concerned someone WILL kill her in retaliation for her being insane in their face.. (she had some guy start yelling back at her and she recorded it as 'proof'. He was clearly very annoyed at her saying terrible accusations at him when he was trying to mind his fucking business.....it was indescribably scary but like can i blame him? she was being highly inappropriate publically.. SHE was prob scaring HIM. she scares me lmao) like she has been so mild mannered and rational her whole life.. she has a degree in chemistry and a literal genius IQ. its like watching a loving animal slowly go violently rabid. It Sucks

last year she finally accused ME of also being paid off/threatened by [company] to conspire against her JUST bc i went to visit her older brothers family (my aunt n cousins who are the family members ive been closest to our whole lives aside from my mother nd baba) w my bf at the time bc i wanted him to meet my non-insane family members..... JUST FOR VISITING MY OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS BC THEY ARE EXPECTING ME TO VISIT N THEY LOVE ME ? Like they love my mom too but multiple years of being accused of being bought off, or [company] threatening to m*rder my cousins (she always says the most brutal and disturbingly specific details too) if they didnt do whatever thing would intimidate my mom, [in this case purchasing the most affordable reliable new family car they could from [company] ..it WAS right after she told them about her initial event but likethey needed a new car and her claims are literally delusional. i rly dont want to disown my other family for that but its a hard decision.. terrible situation], but being accused to conspire to m*rder her gets tiring so they gave up a while ago. when she accused ME even tho i have been the literal last person to stand by her for the past 4.5 years.. i never made her feel like her claims were impossible even when literally everyone else did bc i figured she needed a buoy.. i said fuck it i can't talk to you anymore. i will start going insane too . we have all tried to comfortingly reason w her (well i didnt for a while, i just wholly accepted her story without trying to reason with her INSANE JUMPS IN CORRELATION.. fully bizarre and delusional.. bc i wanted to support her), i spent so much more money getting a less reliable car just to avoid buying from [company], supported her contacting the authorities (obviously they can't help bc she is making insane claims), make her feel as safe n protected.. did as much as we possibly could but like... theres a limit. this is year 4.5 of this, every day, every hour. EVERY year she says well the dirt on [company] will get out this year.. youll see.. ill be validated (essentially). she went to inpatient treatment and she said they accused her of having barbituates in her system when she arrived (what) nd the only diagnosis they gave her was 'rule out paranoid delusion' (bro come on... she thinks EVERYONE is trying to k*ll her.. help) so she wont get any more help. i want to at least try and save my baba bc she is old and puts up w this every single day. but on top of having my own problems, by saving my baba id be damning my mother, or myself. i never know what to do....

but well anyways i love driving hours into a fucking hornets nest each year. at least there are latkes ig

[wittywordsmithlostingray-blog]

Random

It seems witches are replacing the mermaid craze in trend lemming chicks. All this bru-hahah! And oh, lemme insert this into a band name! It’s timeless! Y’ok! Suddenly the “Craft,” movie has a new following. It seems everyone is so pre-occupied in being someone else. Everyone, anyone seems like a better alternative, right?!

Oh, let me just pretend I’m a Dodo bird or any other extinct or mythical creature! Unicorns are the new snowflakes. Every upcycle on pop trends just irks me. When will it be “cool,” to care and be a kind human being?! When will people examine their lives and arrive at reasons for their being. It seems I walk next to a centaur fused with a platypus and whatever new item that raises people’s heads up from their phones. Oh but I don’t. People just push their version of, “shock value,” for a double take, a head turn, anything selfie-able to record somewhere in someone’s mind, how “unique,” they are. How about we go back to how common kindness should be !? Be unique in doing it! Make a twitter account for Kindness and create a crowd fund account and always pay into it!? That’s timeless! That’s sexy! So popularize it! 

Today is Mexican Mother’s Day (5/10/17). I miss my Mom. We’ve had a conflictual relationship all my life but I think Menopause helped her to calm down somewhat. Today is the only day that I’m cool with chicks calling me a Mamacita (Hot girl who is not a Mother, it’s also said in other contexts but not today). My Mom put me in private school and what I take away from my Christian education is the missionary work. I really enjoyed helping to feed orphans in Tijuana and that’s where my kind (my tribe) of kind started. I later built homes in Americorps for Habitat for Humanity, feed the Homeless on my home front, made military care packages, tithed and raised money for underdeveloped countries and missionary scholarships. My Mom instilled in me that no matter how much you have, someone will always have less and to humble myself and be grateful for the clean water, electricity, food and miscellaneous add ons that I have. 

I used to be into fashion and was very creative with textiles (my grandma was a seamstress and my uncle a fashion designer in L.A). I used to spend money frivolously on fine dining, clothes, technology and travel. I don’t really care about those things anymore. They lost their luster. I still see the appeal to it but I’m more transfixed on souls now. Being a Christian, we always strived to improve and be as “Christ like,” as possible. Now I see it as, the best version of ourselves, our highest good. I never like to ask for money but I was required to for a suicide prevention event I’m volunteering for. I put my goal at a meager $25 and two donors advanced me at reaching my goal at 240% I cried. I cried because I do not ask for help because I feel I have to be self sufficient and because people have let me down more times than my heart is willing to forget and then a stranger gives and a friend I am not close to. That friend was with me on the few times I wanted to commit suicide, myself so it just added to my flow of tears. 

In just writing this, I am remembering how much God has blessed me and even though I feel victimized very often (latest is someone breaking into our rent drop box to steal resident checks and my co-worker reaching into my bag and stealing my medical gloves and grinching the gloves from their designated box), I need to remember that he has always stood in to protect me. Like clockwork, the moon lines up to my moon (my menses) and my emitted pheromones run very high. Past lovers contact me and guys (even from their cars) cat call and try their primitive mating tactics on me. 

I had a blog here 4 years ago and I learned of nympho ninjas through here and well, tumblr is mainly used in that way now; for porn but that’s not what NN is. A friend from L.A had made mention that my hyperlink to my tumblr on my Instagram was broken and when was I going to re-activate it again? Since I’ve felt the need to get a lot off my bouncing Bust! I re-activated one. I didn’t think anyone but that friend who see this because IG is like a scroll of picture slideshow. I mean, who visits the page unless they want to add you?! Well, my old spirit guide did and was offended. He didn’t like me taking up tantra with someone new. I’ve had 2 tantric twins. Tantra transcendence is not something you go into, it calls you and it originally did not involve sexual involvement. You can’t carry it out with just anyone. I communicate with him in ESP like that handful of other individuals I have this ability with. I was upset at first because I felt like he was making my blog about him. I’m not writing to anyone. It’s dead air or space and I have typos and just write as fast as I think it. Still, I feel compelled to go to a different blog hosting site like word press or something. I’m censored on FB by my Mom and family. I can’t post just anything on IG bc I have my sister-in-law and some co-workers on there. I just wanted to have a platform where I could freely not be filtered. I’m kind of over Instagram now that everyone and their Mom is on there. I kind of liked it when I had it more to myself. I stumbled on, “Ello,” and I think I might dwell there instead. Sometimes going against the grain feels better. When too many have caught on to what you’ve been a part of for years, I just want to let it go, let them have it and start anew, somewhere else. 

I feel a little weird with the amount of people from my past that I was in contact with today. I texted my ex husband after 7 months of no contact. It was refreshing that his response was as I expected. That guy always had a way of creating levity in darkness. I miss the me (not all aspects but, the merriment of our adventure back then) I was with him and I miss a few former flames often enough. I used to feel this way about my brothers when they took up partners but then they had children and now I don’t miss my childhood with them so much because it extended through their kids. My Mom said that she told my 3 y.o nephew that his tia (aunt) came to visit him. He didn’t register that she meant past tense so he roamed the halls shouting for me, looking around each bend. That melted my heart. I have immense, unconditional love for my twin nieces and nephew. To them, I am a fun, taller child who plays piano, takes them on park outings in the radio flyer, stacks lincoln logs and legos with them, plays hide and go seek (under their game changer rules). I do these activities with them but even in stillness when they rest on my lap and I read or when they eat in their high chair and I feed, they stop and look at me and smile. They see my soul and they are tender in a hiccup laugh that follows. Their little hands reach for mine because they think they’re the strongest, they look at me and think I’m perfect, that I’m important and they see my arms as strong enough to hold them but gentle enough to sway their discomfort away.  They see in me what I don’t see in myself and still I gravitate toward them, not for the appraisal within those actions, but because I love them for no reason and they love me without reason. Neither of us have to, we just do. 

The Disney, “Dumbo,” clip, “Baby Mine,” song always makes me a blubbering mess over it. Since first viewing it, at 4, the Circus was not something I wanted to patronize and my affinity of elephants expanded from there. I used to have an ele-friend. I don’t now. I just realized how therapeutic these entries have been. It’s as if I’ve fast tracked my suffocated down tears to flow again. I think I’ve cried at some point with every entry. For some reason, this medium is where I’m being called to be in and since I don’t want to offend people, I will vacate premise and take up a new home (undisclosed) but I just need to keep doing this. I need to keep writing from my soul. It recalibrates me. For these, I’m not a grammar girl, my run ons and inappropriate placements of punctuation and typos go, anything goes! I’m not a victim of “Forced PC,” here. I can accept my thoughts as I read them and that’s the only affirmation and validation I need. This is a film projector for me and the reel is my writing. Here, I am me and readers don’t have to like it, they can back off my blog. It’s not that I’m bullied to leave. I think I may be exposing myself too much if people I know really are visiting this. They don’t know these thought patterns or sides to me. I don’t owe anything to my old spirit guide. Maybe it’s because I’m tired or (insert whatever other speculation here) but I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m not saying “No more nice girl,” or no to being nice. That stays. I’m saying that I don’t care anymore. To the person who texted me that has this link, No! I don’t want to fuck you! It’s been a year and 1/2 and it was once and it was not what I had in mind. You: “What happened to our friendship and love?” “I miss going out for Rocky Road ice cream at 2 am!” Me: “You were more of an acquaintance, there was no love.” I pined for you 3 years before that and you were, “too cool,” and then through the course of time, I realized who you were and was turned off. You’re 24! Just go away! 

I don’t read these intrapsychic interferences like a radar, more like an EKG that I want to go flatline. To Daniel Son, DAAAAMMMNNN Daniel! I don’t have to know where I stand with you and vice versa. It doesn’t matter anymore. There was a lot of destruction that can’t be undone and I don’t have energy for trying anything with anyone anymore. My time is my own. I don’t even have energy for the last person I loved. The only thing I show up for now are my nieces and nephews. Even though they’re energy consumers, they synergistically give me life. We mutually enliven each other. That’s the only love concerning me right now (not that it’s any of your business). I don’t owe you an explanation but there is one that’s beyond your interpretation. I’m not boy crazy. I can say I miss my past but I don’t carve out time for it in my present. I move in upward strokes like the salmon. I write about it because it lessens the experience that it was and I let go more and more, each time. I welcome in the new positivity that will take over and I rid of past strife. 

Yeah, I’m not a fan of lurkers, stalkers, trolls and voyeurs and in just knowing there’s an audience, it creates this bias, as if I’m writing for a show. “On the next season of Melissa’s life...” Yeah, fuck that noise! I’m not a bitch, I might be numb and apathy might be setting in but I think I need to remain in that state for a while. I feel too intensely that it burns out. I live between the polarity of loving/caring too much and just not giving a fuck. I don’t have a middle ground right now. I’m a little scattered and kind of secretly wish that Scooby Doo Fred would give me a hug and haunt me again. He was the last person I was with that felt to the same intensity and frequency, what I did but the hug would be more for him. I’m not boy crazy, I just feel small sometimes in the vast infinity continuum that is my head. I don’t have the headspace for half the shit that tools around in there and half less the heart space for it. Because of this, sometimes my heart time travels to bookmarks, saving the place where I was held and felt safe and saw them as perfect.

My heart is cold like an ice cave, the arteries stalagmites. My feelings are frostbitten. I am making this period of time what I need it to be for me. I will unlearn, like the magic of oxytocin allows. I will live out goals from my heart center (love list). My days are great but more will fuse on and in plural, they will be great again. When I am open, I will love again and my soulmate will be as ready for me as I him. There is a voice in me that hears all the collective compliments I’ve received on my eloquence in writing, my skill at it and in a small way, it make me feel big. 

Love is fluid. My friend told me today, “I need to fully love myself!” I replied, “I don’t think that’s a thing, I mean you can’t be yourself 24/7 and your needs change and you adapt to the wave forecast that is the ocean of life!” She wrote back, “Oh, that’s true!” I don’t know if anyone is fully themselves at any given time, given our influences. I just feel that we do have an authentic self and an ideal self and we tend to overlap the two in balance but more commonly live in one domain and it’s usually the “ideal self,” (this is not who you are but who you project yourself to be, some traits can carry over but it’s not really you). The authentic self is something every philosopher and abstract thinker has pondered on. Ben Franklin says, “There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond and to know one’s self.”

I like the girl on her bike, she’s badass, I like the girl with the cat, Neechee, the girl who takes on challenges and new adventures, the girl who pays into her health through many fields and avenues, the girl who loves wholeheartedly, even with the risk of non reciprocation. I love the girl in me who is a feminist and brave the boys in ways most girls don’t step up to. I love the girl in me who feels energies and can measure aura’s and determine whether the person is spirit decayed. I love the bookworm girl who sways on her hammock with a page turner and is transported there, bringing life to the text. I love the girl who is a woman but feels mostly like a girl because she is playful, witty, funny and kind with that girl like innocence. I love the woman in me that can be a woman but also an archer and tap into my divine femininity. I love the hips that can gyrate into figure eights and undulate in belly dance. I love my legs that choreograph my steps and out dance the floor mass, I love my arms that extend warm embraces and contain. I love the lips that feel around taste like a blind man in the dark and land on bliss. I love my kaleidoscope eyes that can transfix on fire and subdue men. I love my sexual parts too. I love my sensitive breasts that comfort with their volume and surrender to stimulation. I love my bowed bottom that is positioned below my Aphrodite dimples. I love my dendrite, pulse point and erogenous zones. I love me on a cellular level, not all the time and not all at once but in this roll call, I see the snapshot and I do love me from the inside out and I keep this in mind daily. I may not fully love myself because I don’t think one can fully know one self but I’m working on continuing as a love luminary and knowing that I can be all these adjectives and more but when I can love myself for no reason, perhaps I have loved fully.