#my first day is tomorrow im kinda nervous but also excited :^)

[be-good-to-bugs]

yay my first day went really well!!

[anonypeng]

I think we underestimate… Day 32

Sometimes our biggest faults is ourselves. Today I was super nervous for some odd reason… I was feeling very overwhelmed and very overstimulated because I had so much to do in so little time.

Today I cleaned out my stuff animal room, got rid of half of my small ones… need to get rid of the other ones too but that’s tomorrow’s problem. After that around 2:45 headed out to go cut my hair only slightly for a trim… AND HE CUT OFF MOST OF IT AGAIN SO IM STUCK WITH SHORT HAIR… again. Which I’m not complaining but also I kinda liked the length I had… I’m just gonna cut it myself next time.

After that went to eat something by myself for the first time in a long time. Got popcorn chicken with some cucumber salad.. SO GOOD MIGHT I ADD and so affordable. It was nice eating by myself and spending time on my own.

After that went to a night market with my two friends! They were amazing!!! They’re always a blast to hang out with. I love it. We ate food and dinner and walked around the place. I spent more money than I should have… again. But oh well!

Oh and I bought a Vivienne Westwood Nana necklace! So I’m super excited about that!

And that was it. I talked with my dad when I got home for 2 hours and I talked with my mom for 1 hour as well… and now I’m social batteried myself out and I’m good with staying in on Sunday. Anyways peace

[wifegideonnav]

damn well 1/6 ketamine infusions down…

honestly don’t even know how to talk about it lol. it was super intense. today i only had a half dose but starting tomorrow it’s going to be the full one, can’t imagine how much crazier that would be

i was set up in a super comfy recliner with noise cancelling headphones playing spa music and an eye mask so the experience was fully internal. it kinda felt like i was flying or floating within myself. i remained aware of where i was and i could more or less feel the position of my body, but the outside world felt very… far away and confusing. i was aware that i couldn’t move (ketamine is an anesthetic, it paralyzes you) but i was ok with that, i didn’t want to move. it was kinda weird when i was starting to come out of it, if you’ve ever had your mouth numbed for dental work it was pretty much that feeling, just everywhere. moving was really hard for a bit, and for most of the afternoon i was really quiet/didn’t feel like talking, tho i think that’s also because i was still processing. im very lucky, i didn’t experience any side effects, partially because they loaded me up with anti emetics up front, which im so grateful for lol.

as for the trip itself… i was very surprised, im not a religious or spiritual person at all, but i felt extremely connected to a figure that felt to me like the mother goddess of humanity. the dose wasn’t high enough that i was fully hallucinating, so i didn’t see her or anything, it just felt like there was a presence and like someone else was putting thoughts in my head, talking to me. that’s not really a fully accurate descriptor but it’s kinda the best i can do lol.

a lot of what i felt like i “talked” to her about was to do with the concept of perfection. she told me that she had made me imperfect on purpose, that perfection was unattainable, boring, and “worse” than imperfection. i remember very clearly thinking, “there’s perfection, and then there’s you” which carried the meaning that “you” was this beautiful, precious thing and perfection was uninteresting and not even worth considering. it’s really hard to put it in words 😅 overwhelmingly tho the sense i got during/from the trip was that i am imperfect and still worthy of love. which is like. damn straight in the core trauma lol.

so yeah it was a very profound experience. there’s more that i was thinking about and realizing, but this is what i feel comfortable sharing right now. im super excited for tomorrow now, i was p nervous going in today (and that was the first effect i felt, that feeling dissipating) but now that ive experienced it and had such a positive trip im just eager to explore my psyche more and continue healing. overall, great day one lol

[prestonmonterey]

tlt updateeeee

@vincentaureliuslin @tatsumisheep3

first sit and sing!!!!!!!!

basically we ran through all the songs in act 1 with the orchestra

it was super fun and cool and im kinda sad that i missed the prologue to get fitted for a costume

also shoutout to my friends in costuming who were definitely being productive and doing costume things and not at all explaining the entire plot of bsd (cough nico cough)

i got a few recordings :333 if youre cool (aka a moot) you can ask and ill send em to ya (theres a bit of strong, put you in your place, their sign and another terrible day) (tumblr hates me for some reason and wont upload anything i want today sooooo uhh dm me on discord its the same as here)

we're doin act 2 tomorrow so thats pretty exciting!! hopefully ill be less sick and not sound like a dying walrus the entire time /hj

uhh yippee echoes have costumes now!! we will for sure get them lost and get into huge trouble bc we're not allowed to label em (theyre owned by dance not theater) :P (and theyre literally (figuratively) like a couple rectangles of sheer fabric attached by a waistband so thats fun /sar

kinda feel bad bc we're prolly gonna mess em up crawling all over the stage but idk that sounds like a problem for the director and dance teacher to figure out

heres an eepy deepy pic of my cat bc thats how im feelin right now

also WOO i get to go to sets on wednesday probably! even though s gonna be a long ass day and its only for like an hour so nico wont be there TwT umm but i guess that solidifies me as his emergency replacement /ij

also we have a performance of put you in your place this friday!! im kinda nervous bc we're like re-blocking parts of it to work on the field instead of on stage and one of the stage combat moves my partner does is only meant to be seen from one angle TwT

also i like cant breathe and probably wont get an inhaler or medication till at least spring break so thats fun /sar

anyway

im off to do my homework and maybe start shading the ada office and finishing season 2 and waiting for my files to compress and editing and all that good stuff

[austinsgirl]

Rather Die | Chapter 3

word count: 1852

rating: mild nsfw

——————————————————————

"Hey it's Austin. It was super nice meeting you & I can't wait to start working with you! Also, you're a great kisser by the way ☺️" A message from Austin pings to Victoria's phone.

Reading the message makes Victoria smile all giddy.

"Um, earth to Vic?" Eliana says.

"Oh sorry. Austin texted me. I'll text him back later, but he said Im a good kisser." Vic blushes.

"Oh shit. Alright, I see you Austin. Starting the flirting."

"I can't believe this is my life now. I'm going to work with that tall, sexy, blonde haired, blue eyed man & now he's kinda starting to flirting with me?"

"You're winning."

"So true. Love that for me."

"Do you know who else is in the cast for the movie?"

"I think Molly Ringwald is going to be in it, which is super exciting, as you know I love the John Hughes movies."

"Right, right. Seems like a cool story line. Are you hoping to hang out with Austin before hand?"

"I'm hoping so. Id really like to get to know him before filming."

"Well, seems like it's a possibility."

"Yeah. I can't wait to text him back."

The girls finish up at dinner, then head back home. Victoria goes upstairs & changes into comfy clothes and heads back downstairs to watch some TV before bed.

She pulls out her phone, and texts Austin back.

"Hey! It was nice meeting you too, and I can't wait either! And thank you. You weren't too bad yourself 😉"

Austin replies, "Oh really? Well, thank you. Id love to sit down and chat with you, get to know one another. Want to do drinks tomorrow night?"

"Sure, I'd love too! Where would you want to go?"

"There's this place I like called Lounge 86. We could go there?"

"Oh yeah, I've heard of that place! That works (:"

"Alright, so I'll pick you up tomorrow around 8:30?"

"Sounds great. I'll send you my address (:"

"Cool, I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good night (:"

"You too (:"

Victoria is silently screaming to herself, not wanting to wake up Eliana if she's sleeping. She

cannot believe she's going out with Austin for drinks. Who would have ever thought?

The next day, Victoria's nerves were eating her alive.

"Babe, relax. It's not even a date. It's just drinks as friends." Eliana says to Vic, while she's making lunch for the two of them.

Vic paces back & forth. "I know, I know. But like, it basically is a date. We'll be alone, there's obviously chemistry between us. I feel like something is bound to happen."

"Maybe. Guess we'll see, but don't be nervous."

"Eli, this Austin Fucking Butler. The hottest guy on earth. I'm fucking nervous."

"You'll be fine. Here, eat your salad that I made just for you, then we can go pick out your outfit."

"Okay, okay."

The girls have their lunch, then go upstairs to Victoria's bedroom.

"Alright, so, what kind of vibe are we going for?" Eliana asks.

"I don't know. I guess hot, but classy?"

"Hm, okay. We could do a pant suit with a bralette underneath? A nice dress? Oo, how about this one? It's tight fitting, shows off the tits but not too much, with thick straps. Then pair it with a simple necklace & black pumps." Eliana holds up a black dress. Sexy but not too sexy. Classy, but not being super modest.

"Oh my god, yes. That's perfect. I wouldn't have even thought of that."

"You're welcome." Eliana winks.

Some time passes and Victoria gets ready for her night out.

She styles her golden brown locks up into twist, securing it with a clip. Her makeup is more on the natural side with some foundation, blush, mascara and a bit of eyeliner.

Once's she's beautified, she slips on her dress & pairs it with a simple plain heart necklace in silver.

There's a knock at the door. Must be Austin.

"I'll get it!!" Victoria yells from her room, slipping on her heels.

She scurries downstairs & answers the door.

Austin stands there in a striped navy suit with a plain black button down shirt underneath, of course the first few buttons being popped as usual, with a silver chain around his neck & heeled black boots.

"Hi." Victoria smiles.

"Hey." Austin smiles back. "You look great!"

"Oh, thanks. I just threw this on." she says jokingly.

"Ready to go?"

"Yeah, let's go."

They both walk out of the apartment building with smiles on their faces. Victoria can feel her stomach being in knots from being so nervous.

After getting into Austin's car, he drives them to the lounge where they'll exchange stories over drinks.

They immediately get seated at a table once they arrive, as Austin had made them a reservation.

They order their drinks and start the conversations.

"So, Victoria." Austin says.

"Mhm?"

"Tell me about you. Where are you from & all that."

"I'm from Auckland, New Zealand. I grew up with three older brothers, so I was the only girl plus the baby of the family. I've been acting for a few years now. Started off doing local stuff in New Zealand, then came here to LA. Wasn't super long after my ex & I broke up. You may have heard of him, Stephen James. He plays for the New York Rangers."

"Oh, yeah. I've heard of him. He's a good player. Crazy you both ended up in the US."

"Yeah, I feel like he followed me at first. He would hit me up every single time when he had a game here. Even though I would tell him no, or just not respond, he'd persist. It was annoying, but he's over it."

"How's New Zealand? I spent two years in Australia filming 'Elvis'. I can only assume they're pretty similar?"

"Yeah, they have their similarities. It's great there though. I miss it a lot. Im hoping once filming is done I can go back home to visit for a bit."

"I'll have to visit there someday. Maybe with you." Austin winks.

"Hmm, maybe. We'll see how things are in a few months." Vic smirks. "So how about you? Tell me some fun facts about 'Austin Butler'."

"Alright, uh, I was born in Anaheim, California. I have one older sister. My parents split when I was 7. I went to public school up to seventh grade then I was homeschooled to be more flexible with my acting gigs. Umm, my mom died when I was twenty three."

"Oh right, I remember you saying that in an interview. You were the same age as Elvis when he lost his mom. Im so sorry."

"Thanks. But yeah, we were the same age. It's one of the things that brought me close to him & made me really connect."

"I guess if we're getting that deep, I lost my dad when I was fifteen to heart failure. It'll be ten years this October, which is crazy."

"Oh my god. Victoria, I'm so sorry."

"Thanks. Crazy we both lost a parent so young."

"Yeah."

"How was it for you? Did it hit you really hard?"

"Yeah, it did. My mom was my best friend. I felt so lost. It's gotten easier of course, but that was the most difficult time in my life."

"I'm so sorry, Austin. I know that feeling. I was really close with my dad too. It was so sudden too. Like, even though he was in the ICU for a week & knew it was coming, it was still unexpected. I think I took almost a week off school because of how hurt I was."

"I guess I could say the same about my mom. Like, she had cancer. We knew it was a possibility of losing her, but when it happened, we weren't expecting it to be then."

"Right. Life's fucking crazy. You never know when you can have someone so important taken away from you."

"Yeah, it, uh, sucks to say the least."

"So is this movie your first project after Elvis?"

"No, this is my second. I did a mini series right after I finished Elvis, called Masters of the Air. It'll be out sometime next year."

"That sounds interesting. I still can't believe you played such an iconic person. I feel like I watched almost every interview you did. The dedication you put into it is astounding."

"Haha, thank you. Yeah, I'm really proud of it."

"Did you & Tom continue to write letters to each other in character after quarantine?"

"We did actually! It really helped to keep us in the mindsets of our characters."

"I think it's so cool that he got you a typewriter to do that. What a cool method."

"Yeah, it was great. I still have that typewriter too. I keep it in my office at home. I love it."

Austin & Victoria continue talking about their lives for another hour or so before heading out.

He drives back to her apartment building, thinking he was just going to drop her off.

"Want to come in?" Victoria asks.

"Sure." Austin smiles.

They make their way upstairs to the penthouse.

Quietly, they walk inside.

"Welcome to my humble abode." Vic says to Austin.

"Wow, this is a really nice place."

"Thanks." she smiles. "I love it here. Want anything to drink?"

"Just water is good. Thanks."

Victoria grabs a glass from the cupboard & fills it with ice and water. She goes over to meet Austin on the couch & hands the glass to him.

After taking a sip, "Tonight was really nice. Thanks for coming out with me." Austin says, setting the glass on the table in front of him.

"Thanks for inviting me. I had fun."

"Me too."

Austin looks deeply into Victoria's eyes, then to her lips. He leans in, pressing his lips to hers.

Victoria responds and kisses back. She wraps his arms around his neck, while deepening the kiss.

Austin runs his hands up her thighs, taking the hem of her dress into his hands, working her dress up her thighs to give himself access.

He starts to rub on her center, over her panties. Vic breaks the kiss for air, letting out a moan from his touch. Austin moves his lips to her neck.

He then decides to move her panties over, slipping in two fingers as his thumb plays with her clit.

"Austin, oh my god. That feels so good." Victoria moans out, before quickly realizing, even though she wants this, she doesn't. "Wait, wait. I dont think we should do this."

Austin keeps going, "Why not?"

"This is too quick. And I don't want our chemistry to run out so soon. I don't want this effecting our work."

Austin stops. "You're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done anything."

"No, no. It's okay. It was fun, really. But I think work wise, it'd be for the best."

"Alright. I, uh, I think I'll head out. Thanks for the fun night."

"Same to you."

Austin kisses her on the cheek before leaving.

Once he's gone, Vic lays back on the couch in disbelief.

She says to herself, "What the hell just happened...."

—————————————————————

Chapter 4

[bananabraces]

first date ever tomorrow!!

hii guys so alot happened today. like alot of big changes that seem calm now but will completely change the course of my life for years to come. soo one i finally align w my username, i got braces!!! they're actually really cute i got bubblegum pink and they didn't hurt much they only put wires on my bottom row of teeth bc they're gonna be doing extraction on the top teeth so they can't string them together yet yk but it was actually pretty painless. the feeling of the metal is really uncomfortable in my mouth though like the bite blocks they had to put i can VERY MUCH feel it's not like an actual inserted thing they just put some kind of solution or like glue where my back teeth touch so that they wouldn't grind against the brackets on my teeth and break them. so overall the braces experience thus far has been an 8/10 -2 points bc of the discomfort. i'm really excited for my teeth to start shifting though bc i've always had really crappy teeth ever since my permanent ones started coming in my overbite is 10mm long and just alot else is wrong w my teeth like in 5th grade i got called toothless by the whole grade almost bc it was so bad and it was like a known joke in my class that i had no teeth. and i have never been able to smile properly bc of like my jaw and it also looks recessed and sunken in cuz my bite and ive always put my hand over my mouth when i smile or laugh bc of this, so basically what i'm saying is it's always been a struggle with me as well as my family. i'm really really excited to have straight teeth. in a way it kind of makes me feel more connected to my dad and sam bc they got braces too. idk how to explain it.

but ANYWAYS that was like an entire entry on its own but that's not all the news (please ignore how my keyboard puts apostrophes on some words and not others it's bugging me too but i can't fix it rn so whatever). i am FINALLYYYY going on a date w and getting asked out by gp tomorrow after 11 months of waiting. it's so hard to summarize all our lore and just how badly i've wanted and wished for this but just know like i've had to sit through months of him dating someone else knowing i missed my chance and had to confess knowing we'd most likely just stay as friends no matter what i said and had to accept that unsent love letters countless diary entries a spotify playlist late night calls and conversations and endless yapping to my bsf is all it would ever be. but now it's not like that. and that's not why i'm nervous btw if i haven't said i'm nervous i am but not bc of that i'm really excited to date gp and get to know him as a bf i'm just a little scared for the actual date bc we haven't talked alot recently. it's been better these last 2 days and i've sent him stuff occasionally and we have a streak buttttt that's kinda all it's been this summer. but yk we saw eachother everyday for 1 year and were hecka close so i'm also looking forward to it and i doubt it'll be THAT bad. plus we're seeing my fav movie (eva it's all yours dw i just like it alot)!!! i was coraline for halloween 2022 and went to the museum and i've watched it countless times so. i think that'll make me more comfy in a way plus then i'll have alot more to discuss w him afterwards. he said he'd pay but i'm bringing a wallet full of money anyways bc i'm atleast offering to even if he says no and even then i'll probably ask to split it or pay for the food afterwards. anyways he's really so sweet and amazing and smart and handsome and funny and i'm reallyyyy excited to see him 🤗🤗 so hopefully it'll go good i think it will. and i'm gonna ask my dad and mom and bsf for some advice bc they have an honest view and my parents have experience w dating and eva w the actual guy having been 10 yr childhood bsfs. so yeah. i'm feeling alot better but goshhh BOYFRIEND. HES GONNA BE MY BKYFRIEND!!!! im gonna walk into school and be liek i have a real life living human br with human skin and lungs and life who breaths air and is also real and here and a bf my bf. like whay.

on the same noeeeeteeee im dividing ts so it's easier to read i'm SO excited for 8th grade. my clothes and stuff going in r sooo cute and ill have a bf and im joining sports and possibly riding the bus (some dyas) so itll be really sigma. also there's alot.of.stuff only 8th graders could do at my scuool so ill be like an ALPBQHA GRRR u know. sorry that was bad but like im not even j trying to be funny out school is the timberwilves. the halls in our school are marked by saying like "___ grade pack!" like 😅😅😅😆😆😆 no!!! actualy!!!! no!!!!!

anyways that's ittt just had to drop a lil update hopefully it ACTUALLY UOLOADS THIS TIME AND JF IT DOESNT IT ATLEAST SAVES TO MY DRAFTS. tmblr fix ur site. okayy bye chat thanks formlistening 💫

[muff1nqwq]

sorry i havent been around in a while, things have gotten crazy, im sure you get it. my first day of being a sophmore (10th grader) starts tomorrow and while im not extremely nervous it is also 11:50 at night and i have to wake up at 6:15, ignore the specific time as it is never specific, its an estimate at best.

i have this thing called band camp that has been going on for the last couple of days. basically i play my trumpet (her name is Margaret) for 4 hours in preparation for football season (im in the band, we have to play at football games) idk where you are ofc, so to clarify, this is american football. the concussion sport.

i picked up tarot reading and it's super silly, i would recommend. its funny to think that the cards are supposed to have their own personality. id say that i dont see it, but they told me to shut up once, sassy ass cards...

i havent been hurting myself as much because of how busy i am + how cold it is. a thing about me is that i cannot ever cvt when its cold. maximum discomfort. 0/10 stars. not funky fresh.

my ex and i started talking less often and im kinda glad it happened, which might be mean to say, considering were friends still, but theres so much to do, to worry about that i can barely keep up with things.

anyways, i think thats most of it. btw if you ever dont know how to respond to one of my rambles, id love it if you might just add your own story? about anything!!!! i like hearing from you!

— rin

hiya Rin :DDD I missed u!!

GL in school!! I'm gonna b a Freshman this year and I'm excited-nervous abt it... At least its gonna b the same ppl ( even though the principal warned us abt a rush of new students, but its better than going 2 a brand new school ) I gotta fix my sleep schedule so bad, I stay up till 3am and wake up at noon :'3

:0000 IM IN BAND TOO :DD I play clarinet :3 ( btw I love how u called football the "concussion sport" XDDDD )

Tarot reading sounds so cool :000 i rlly like astrology and numerology ( I'm an Aquarius :3 )

4 me it's still hot af here, even though snow melted like 3 weeks b4 summer break :> but yesterday I went 2 go walk my doggo and right as we were turning back, it started raining, and my dumbass didn't bring a jacket and I was wearing an oversized T-shirt and shorts, so I was running ( in flip-flops ) 4 ten mins in the rain tryna get back 2 my house lolol X'3

That sounded like a line from a book I read a few yrs ago XD ( but I hope ur still finding time 4 urself :) )

A few nights ago I was rlly, RLLY hyped up 4 highschool... Same school, few new kids, new teachers, maybe a new rep... Then I thought abt what my rep would b like. I mean tbh I don't mind if I'm known as a weirdo furry theatre kid, but last yr my ex-bestie spread nasty rumours bout me, manipulate me and my friend group, and overall make everyone avoid me. At least my friends knew what she's all abt and stuck w me 4 the whole yr, but like... What if the rumours spread 2 the new kids and bad stuff happen?? So then I stayed up thinking bout that and at 2am I multiswiped 10 times and I named the cvt Jeffo :3 ( I haven't cvt in weeks cuz I didn't have many Band-Aids left )

Have a good day Rin :DDD

-Muffin

[videostak]

ordered a cool yabby you king tubby shirt 2day and also ordered a working (hopefully) colecovision :D seller seemed more like sellling actual game stuff and said that the console itself works great and offered me a lower price since i kept viewing the item so we’ll see :D soo narvous abt driving 2mrw its  a p long drive and im gonna have to get up super eaerly but im gonna get mcdonalds breakfast and its gonna be neat i think. like a fun experience for sure :) im excited but like in a first day of school kinda way. like nervous abt how it will go but kno that itll go by normally. its insane feeling this independent tho. i waashed the car today which was good and cleaned out the trash my mom and co would leave inside so thats rly nice. dont kno what i should wear tomorrow tho. its gonna be early mornign but im probably gonna head home like around 10 or so i think. also bid on camera talk by flippers guitar on ebay so im excite to get that if i win but if i dont itll still be cool since ill save money u kno. buuut ya i wanna wear shorts but dont kno probably wont since its gonna be cold in the morning for awhile so i should probably wear breathable pants and like a nice shirt. wore that button up thursday and that was perfect for the weather but dont kno what i should wear 2mrw hmmm will probably decide b4 i go to bed :) hope i pull in a good haul 2mrw cause i do wanna make enough money to be able to go back to college... realized since im gonna get breakfast b4 going and eat in the car that im gonna be litening to zulu nation throwdown while eating and ordering and not while driving -__- still cool tho. excited for comfy morning vibes and going on a lil driving adventure just have to remember to drive safely and rly be alert 100% of thee time. if driving these distances goes well i wanna start practicng in my actual car a stick shift manual car sooooon but like after i get my permit and maybe even license too and not like rn obviously

[neonkoii]

im good im good !!!!! played prodigy w my boyfriend earlier on vc but hopefully hes asleep now ^-^ m superrr excited n nervous for tomorrow bc my entire family on my moms side is gettin together for the first time in like four years n i wanna see them but also theres a lottttt of people . but i think ill have fun hopefully maybe !!!!

how r you !!!!

I <3 PRODIGY i have to see if i can get back into my old account… n yay i hope ur family dinner goes okay !!! wishing you the best of luck and the mostest fun :]

i am. decidedly sick. i went to swim practice this mornin but left early and jus kinda felt worse and worse as the day went on 🧍 i don’t know exactly what i have but if i got it from the guy i think i got it from.. it’s probably flu. which. sucks but i will b okay ! dinner tomorrow will just be a little bit of a bummer :( i’m just glad that all of my plans with my friends were for yesterday so i don’t have to cancel on anyone !!!

[loganhowlctt]

some things that happend to me this week in the tags because it's somehow a lot:

[but-how-do-you-drive]

first official full-time job: acquired!

[dylanmunson]

\ Joseph takes a liking to you /

requested via wattpad

part one wattpad | P2 / wattpad \ tumblr | P3 / wattpad \ tumblr

Master of Masterlists | Masterlist | Wattpad | Request

part two

so i had an idea, and its kinda to do with this request, and yes im using comic con as an example, and stfu, im using my cosplay and shit as examples and uhh yeah stfu. let me live my moment. 

wordcount: 1.3k | not sure how i feel about this but we move, mega word vomit. 

/////////////

It was comic con, and i had a photo op with joseph quinn. I had also managed to get an autograph signing for the following day, deciding against getting todays autograph slot as i knew today was going to be so much busier then tomorrow. 

Standing in the queue to get in, i see a bunch of stranger things cosplays, grinning to myself, the excitement fully setting in as i get my bag checked before entering the centre. Walking over to the big time table sheets on the wall i glance at my phone to check the time, knowing my photo slot is this afternoon, i decide to have a wonder around before making my way up to the photo area. 

Seeing the centre full of hellfire shirts and stranger things cosplays brings a stupid grin to my face, only having seen very few harleys, im quite happy with my cosplay of choice. I go round to a few tables looking at all the things for sale, deciding to buy a few things. 

Its now coming up to my photo op and im nervous, im about to meet the gorgeous man that is Joe Quinn. Making friends in the queue before my batch number is called, i get my ticket ready on my phone and make my way over to the staff member so they can scan it for me. Walking into the photo area i see joe smiling for photos with the other fans, trying to interact with them for as long as he can before the next comes along for their photo. Pushing my nerves aside as it soon comes to my turn. 

"Hi" i grin up at the beautiful man, his eyes even more gorgeous in real life, "hello love" he smiles, "could i get a cuddle?" i chuckle "yeah of course" he  grins wrapping his arms around me "how are you?" i mumble as the photos being taken, "im well, overwhelmed but well" he smiles down at me, i nod "thank you for taking time with everyone here, it really means alot" i smile, he puts a hand to his chest and smiles "its a pleasure love" he smiles. 

Im being ushered away, his hand slowly leaving my back "take care love" he says as i leave "bye!" i grin back at the man, he half smiles waving before the next fan is grabbing his attention. I wait for my photo to be printed before leaving the photo area and walking over to the friends that i had made during the day. 

"i fucking love that man" i sigh, putting my photo in a protective frame "hes so fucking pretty" i laugh. 

After that we walk around a little more, before deciding to head home, calling it a day as we're back tomorrow. 

/////

The next day, i didnt cosplay, i just wore a home made hellfire tee, since everywhere and i mean EVERYWHERE had sold out. A pleated skirt and my docs, i meet up with the people i had met yesterday stopping in a corner shop to grab some breakfast and drinks before heading to the centre. 

Upon entering the centre, you can already tell its going to be a some what of a quieter day. Going back to the big time table sheet on the wall, theres nothing about autographs, so we head straight to the autograph area since Joe doesnt have anything till lunchtime. 

The queue for him is moving, so we join at the end, showing the staff our tickets as we wait to see Joe again. Having packed my photo from yesterday for him to sign, i rock on my heels waiting for our turn. 

He comes in to view and he looks happy, tired but so happy to see all the support. It quickly becomes our turn and i let my friend go first as i stand back and film their interaction. "Hey sweetheart" he grins standing up, opening his arms, i bite my bottom lip, cheeks reddening as i walk forward into his arms, giving him a hug "how are you today love?" he smiles letting go, putting his hands on the tops of my arms. "I'm well, how are you" i smile at the curly haired man. "im well" he chuckles, i nod and pull out my photo "i didnt catch your name yesterday love" he smiles grabbing a black sharpie popping the lid off. "y/n" i smile, he nods "there you go beautiful" he smiles, resting his hand on top of mine. He looks to the staff member next to him, nodding his head. 

I frown, but dont say anything, not having a clue whats going on. "care to join me sweet?" he smiles standing up again, "uh sorry what?" i chuckle, he just smiles down at me "care to join me for a drink?" he smiles "i uh" "you dont have to i just" he stops "no id love to, but dont you have more signings?" "having a break before my talk" he grins, running a hand through his hair. I nod "ohh, makes sense." The staff member giving me a look before leading us to the celeb area. 

Quickly sending my friends a text to let them know i'll find them in a bit, i pop my phone back in my pocket and look up at joe, as he moves in front of me holding the door for me "why thank you kind sir" i giggle "a pleasure darling" he smiles putting his hand on my lower back as he enters behind me. We sit at a table in the corner, as he gets us both a cold drink and begins eating. I smile at the man and lean my head in my hand, elbow on table. 

"not that im not loving this but do you not want some quiet time" i say biting my lip, feeling my cheeks redden a bit. He smiles softly "i had to take my chance" he grins, i frown "what?" he lets out that little giggle he does, you know the one, you know what im talking about. He bites at his nails and looks at me again before saying "i'm not going to lie, you caught my eye, so" he grins, his cheeks now going a pink shade. "then when i saw you in the line, i knew i had to yano get to know ya" he chuckles running a hand through his hair, before wiping his hands on his jeans. 

"me?" i mumble pointing to myself, he nods. I scrunch up my nose covering my face feeling a massive blush take over. "adorable" he grins. 

"10minutes Joseph" someone says in our directions, he nods his head, letting out a little sigh. "do you maybe wanna grab a drink after?" he says finishing off his water. "uh, sure" i smile, handing him another bottle of water. "You gotta stay hydrated" i grin "its warm" he smirks "of course, here" he says handing me his phone, i frown taking it but realise hes set it up for me to put my number in. 

The heat not leaving my cheeks as i type my number in before handing it back to him. "i'll send you a message when im finished" he smiles, standing up i nod standing up beside him. "i'll see you later ok?" he mumbles pulling me in for another hug, i nod against his chest "see you later joseph" i mumble, "wait do you prefer joe or joseph?" i smile looking up at him, him smiling, like the smile where his dimples show. 

"i dont mind love, but i do like how joseph sounds" i nod, my cheeks now slightly aching from all the blushing and smiling. "Joseph" a man says walking over, "i'll see you later" he chuckles letting go of the hug, i nod "stay hydrated joseph" he chuckles saluting me as he leaves the celeb area. 

Munson Taglist @alicefallsintotherabbithole @steves-robin @onlydruig @tenderhornynihilist @itsyouimagines @witchsbitchestime @kyomiite @girl-with-an-orange-cat @flatoust11 @udontcarethisshit @chloepricerk800 @kellysimagines @caitfrogs @get-me-to-wonderland @bdpst-massacre @lagataprrr @goldenharrysworld @oo0lady-mad0oo @presidential-facts @qu7nn @pleasantlycrazyworld @ladyapplejackdnd @little-cupcake17 @meaganjm @dixontardis @megsrose @chaos-incorp @sourbutcalm143 @lieblingsmenzch @kbakery @positivevibesnlif3 @stcastwh00re @greatfandomsgalore @eddies-gf-86 @mariar597 @lothiriel9 @lesliemcawesome @chrisevansmarvelmcu @zdarie @notbeforelong @jayy-sins @witchy-bisexual @stephanie-lkj

[patd--phan]

Wanna Be Yours

Pairing: Dadsbestfriend! Bucky (mid/late 40s) x reader (in early/mid twenties)

Summary: Y/N surprises bucky on a business trip and he promises to be hers.

Warnings: SMUTTY stuff (18+ only pleasee), unprotected sex, creampie, oral sex (m receiving), riding, teasing, significant age gap, reader takes charge, “Doll/sweets/baby/sweetheart”, some cute ass shit at the beginning and end tho

WC: about 3K im sorry I was really H*rny yesterday and I was unable to do anything about it as i was stuck in the car all damn day

Note: So I was really h*rny yesterday and this happened lol I’m sorry. Loosely based on the song wanna be yours-arctic monkeys. Also this will probably be the only smut I ever write bc I don’t wanna become an 18+ blog or make anyone uncomfortable (not that 18+ blogs are bad tho lemme set that straight, most of my fav blogs are)

PS thank you for the love on my first ever fic with Peter Parker x reader, it made me so happy that ppl didn’t think I suck lol ( and i guess i lied saying i would probably never write another one shot lol)

You do NOT have my permission to repost this anywhere, I will come for u if you plagiarize ok bye

It was no secret that Bucky liked to be in charge in the bedroom, and you had absolutely no problem with that. After all, he was older and more experienced; he knew how to make your body sing. But this week you were craving something a little different. Bucky had been away on a business trip all weekend and you really missed him, not just the sex (but I mean…) but just cuddling and talking to him about your day; you were feeling clingy. You decide to text bucky even though you knew he couldn’t answer right away because he was currently in a meeting.

Y/N: I mis youu :( when will you be back tomorrow?

You just wandered around your apartment for the next 20 minutes, casually checking your phone about every 30 seconds just in case bucky was able to sneak in a text. He finally replied after 30 minutes, right as his meeting was ending at 3.

Bucky: Hey doll, I miss you too <3

Bucky: unfortunately one of the investors this morning had to push their meeting to late tomorrow afternoon, so I’m not gonna be home until very late tomorrow night :(

Y/N: dammit :(

Y/N: well good luck at the pitch meeting tomorrow, I love and miss you <3

Bucky: don’t gimme that pout I know your making doll, ill see you tonight on facetime! :)

Y/N: haha u know me so well, and yes you’ll see me tonight ;) (but I still miss u)

Bucky: I know doll I hate it too, see you tonight. Love you <3

Y/n: love you too <3

You didn’t know if you could go until late Monday without seeing bucky. As you laid on the couch smiling sadly about missing your love, an idea popped into your head. He was only two and a half hours away, and he wouldn’t be back at his hotel for another 4 hours at least. Fuck it, you were gonna go drive to his hotel and surprise him. You couldn’t be away so long, you felt super clingy this weekend and you needed to be on top of with him.

You quickly ran around your apartment, packing an overnight bag and you saw the package that arrived earlier on your floor that you completely forgot about because you couldn’t stop thinking of Bucky. You remembered its contents e(a completely evil lingerie set) and threw it in the bag with a smirk on your face.

The drive to Bucky’s hotel felt like forever and you had to remind yourself to stop speeding because you were so excited. When you finally got to his hotel, you had to convince the manager to give you a key to his room, proving that you were the man’s girlfriend with several pictures on your phone which was slightly embarrassing because in almost every picture, at least one of you was half-naked. Worth it. You thought. When you arrived in his room you quickly went into the bathroom to change into a little black dress (with a surprise underneath). Then as you were sitting on his bed waiting for him, you realized it would still be a while before he would get back, so you decided to tidy up his things, packing his clothes and organizing his suitcase. Pleased with your work, you sat back down on the bed and looked at your phone for a while. You finally got pulled out of your Instagram daze when you heard Bucky’s voice in the hallway laughing at something a coworker said. You quickly threw your phone on the dresser, straightened up you dress, and sat at the edge of the bed with a huge smile on your face, giddy to surprise him.

As he turned the doorknob he was still looking behind him talking to the man. When he finally said goodbye and turned his head around, his eyebrows raised up and his jaw dropped, which was quickly replaced with a smile even larger than yours.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, running towards you and throwing his briefcase on the floor.

He picked you up in a tight hug and you squealed, legs immediately wrapping around his waist.

“I told you you’d see me tonight!” you said, still clung to him like a koala.

“W-what?” He replied, still in shock. Letting your legs fall back to the floor.

“I just missed you too much” you shrugged.

If any human could embody “heart eyes” it was Bucky at that moment- he’s such a softie for you. He pulled your face towards him and gave you one of the most loving kisses you’ve ever had in your life. You were expecting it to be passionate and rough, but it was soft, delicate and loving, and your heart melted into a puddle. After your lips parted, you gazed into each other’s eyes before being pulled up in another tight hug. You giggled and wrapped your legs around him again.

“I guess you missed me too huh?” you laughed.

“Oh doll, you have no idea.”

You wrapped your hands in his hair, massaging his neck and he moaned loudly.

“Mm, that feels nice.” He hummed.

“You tired baby?” you asked, he seemed like he needed some TLC (and you were ready to give it to him).

“I am so exhausted.” He replied, making you frown behind his back.

You slowly slid down his body, back onto your feet again, and kept massaging his head. He looked at you lovingly before looking around his hotel room, his eyebrows pulled in confusion.

“Did you clean up in here?”

“Yep, while I was waiting for ya,” you replied, smiling.

His whole face softened.

“Oh, I really don’t deserve you doll.” Making you smile and shake your head.

“Oh yes you do.” You replied making him smile and his heart flutter in his chest.

He pulled you in for another kiss, this one with more fire and longing in it than the last one. His large hands grabbed you ass to pull you closer to him and you moaned into the kiss. You pressed your body against him even tighter and ran your hands through his hair making him moan. You could feel his pants tent start to grow against you and you smirked and moved you lips down to the side of his neck making him groan.

You pull back and look at him, hard and eyes half lidded, it turns you on so much you feel your panties dampening.

“Hey Buck?” you whisper, lips mere inches apart.

“Hmm?” he hums in response.

“I have another surprise for you.” You whisper into his ear before pulling back to look at his face.

“What’s that, doll?” he whispers.

You smirk and step away from him, noticing the confusion on his face before you pull your dress over your head and throw it onto the floor.

Bucky’s jaw drops, making you bite your lip and smirk even more. This was gonna be fun.

“Oh, fuck me,” He groans.

“Oh, I fully intend on it, Buck” you smirk.

He just groans and starts walking towards you.

“Buck?”

“Yeah sweets?”

“Wanna be mine tonight?”

“Fuck, I’ll be yours forever doll.” He says, making you whimper. You pull him against you by his tie, pressing your bodies together.

Your lips crash and tongues swirl together fighting for dominance. Hands moving up and down each other’s bodies like animals. Bucky squeezing your ass so tight you know there’s gonna be marks.

You both pull back enough so you can shimmy off Bucky’s tie and throw it over his head before unbuttoning his shirt and peeling it off him. You then sink to your knees and undo his belt quickly before slowly unzipping his pants, kissing the outside of his member though his pants making him exhale a breath sharply.

“Fuck” he breathes out.

You don’t want to tease him too much (yet) so after another kiss, you shove his pants off and lay down on the bed, his body caging you under him.

The passionate makeout session resumes with Bucky still hard in his boxers pressing against your clothed core. You suddenly remember what you wanted and pull back from the kiss.

“Wait, no” you whisper.

Bucky pulls back, confused and nervous he did something to hurt you.

“What’s wrong?” he whispers.

You take advantage of his confusion and roll him over so you were straddling him with a smirk on your face.

Bucky moans at your actions, core pressing tight against him.

“You said you’d be mine.” You breathe over his lips. Moaning as being in charge is giving you a whole rush of feelings and confidence.

You kiss him, and he lets you dominate the kiss this time, biting his lips and grinding on him. He bucks his hips onto your and you pull back.

“Don’t worry baby, I’ll take care of you, I’ll make you feel so good.”

Bucky moans at your words as you start to kiss all the way down his body, leaving little hickies down his chest. When you get towards his boxers he thinks your gonna kiss his member or pull down his boxers, but instead you go back up his chest, licking a stripe from his belly button all the way to one of his nipples, up his neck, to his lips.

Bucky moans, loud. You give him one more kiss before deciding to stop teasing him (kinda). You quickly kiss down his chest again and then plant a few kisses on his aching cock through his boxers. He bucks his hips and is whimpering under you. Fuck, that turns you on. Your big strong boyfriend who could probably crush you with one arm, whimpering and practically begging under you. Your panties are fucking soaked and you don’t think you can deny your own pleasure too much longer. You pull down his boxers and his cock is throbbing and dripping precum.

“Shit” you moan at the sight.

You lick the precum off him and he gives a high pitched moan that goes straight to your core.

“Baby please, I- I can’t.”

“Don’t worry baby I got you.” You reply as you take his full member into your mouth, sucking lightly.

Bucky moans and bucks his hips into your mouth. You push them back down and suck a few more times before getting off of him. He looks worried for a second before you slide your panties off and straddle his cock.

“Still wanna be mine?”

“Always” he replies.

You sink down onto him, jaw dropping and eyes closing at the feeling. You don’t think you’ll ever get used to him no matter how many times he’s been inside you. You both moan as his whole cock is finally buried inside you.

“Fuck Bucky, you feel so fucking good in me.” You moan, starting to rock your hips.

“God, I’m so fucking wet for you.”

Bucky continues to give low moans as you start to ride him.

“Fuck baby, I love you like this.” He says, making you start to ride him harder, moaning at his words.

His hands come grab your hips to help you ride him faster, harder.

“Baby- shit I’m close already.” He pleads.

“All for me? Shit baby aren’t I the lucky one?” You moan.

Bucky’s grip on your hips tighten and he starts to fuck up into you. He was about to blow.

You moan loudly at the feeling. “Cum in me baby please I need it.”

After a particularly hard thrust into your wet pussy you feel him spilling inside you. He lets out one of those vulgar high pitched moans and grunts that make your brain short circuit and your eyes roll back while your pussy clenches around him. You feel yourself getting close, but you want to give him another orgasm, so you sink down on him fully and slowly ride him, hearing him whimpering and moaning. You feel him get hard in you again (thank you supersoldier serum) and you rock back and forth on him. You reach down to rub your clit, but Bucky sees it and swats your hand away, replacing it with his metal one.

“Oh fuck” you moan at the cool sensation.

You start to bounce up and down on him again, the knot in your abdomen building and heating up. You feel yourself close to being undone as you ride him and his other hand runs up your body and squeezes your nipple through your thin lace bra. You moan and feel yourself clench around him, making him moan.

“Fuck- I’m gonna c-“ you get interrupted by the white hot explosion of your orgasm. Your eyes roll back, jaw hangs open and toes curl as you feel that release knock throughout your whole body, making you shake. You let out those high pitched moans and whines that only Bucky makes you feel.

Feeling you clench around him and watching your completely fucked out face, you feel Bucky’s thick cock twitch inside of you, and you moan as you feel him release in you again. Fuck that makes you feel good. So good you can’t think or move and you start to collapse on top of Bucky, but he slightly catches you and lays you down on his chest, both breathing heavy, with his cock still inside you, cum dripping all down your legs and onto Bucky.

You can’t speak, can’t think, the pleasure totally ruining you. After what feels like forever, you feel your breathing start to return to normal, as does Bucky’s, and you feel his hand rubbing up and down your back, grounding you back to earth from wherever on cloud nine you were.

You hum as you feel yourself finally calm down.

“Holy fuck, doll” you feel him lowly whine in your ear. You can only moan lowly in response.

“Baby that was fucking amazing.”

“Mmhmm.” You hum.

“…but I think I’m gonna lose my mind if you keep clenching around me.” He chuckles.

“oh shit, sorry,” you mumble out. You try to push up off of him but the farthest you got was placing your hands on his shoulders before your body gave up on you.

“Oh my God, I can’t move” you whisper. You’re so fucked out, your body won’t respond to your brain anymore.

Bucky moans at your words and slowly rolls both of you so youre on your side facing him. He reaches down and pulls his soft cock out of your pussy, moaning when he sees a burst of cum leaking from you.

You moan at the feeling of him exiting your body. You look him in the eyes and give him a lazy smile. His eyes sparkle back at you and his hand comes up to rub your cheek.

“Mm” you hum at the feeling.

“That was fucking incredible” he says, making you smile wider.

“I’m not disagreeing” you quip.

He chuckles lightly before saying “you gotta do this more often.”

“What, surprise you on business trips?” you question.

“No” he rolls his eyes and smiles, “Well yes actually, but I was talking about you absolutely taking charge tonight.”

“Oh yeah?” you smirk.

“Fuck yeah doll, I don’t think I’ve ever cum as hard. You looked so damn sexy in charge.”

You look away from his eyes, shying at his words, but also they were giving you the confidence to look right back into his eyes and say “I agree” with a smirk.

“I love hearing those high pitched moans you make, It turns me on so much” you admit.

“You know, only you can get those noises out of me, doll” he chides. You blush and smile at him.

He chuckles and you bring his face towards yours and kiss him deeply, tongues meeting together. You both hum into the kiss as his hand rubs down the side of your body.

When you break the kiss, both of you needing a breath, he pulls your body towards him, resting your head on his chest. You hum in peace as he rubs your back.

“I love you so much Y/N” he says and you feel your heart absolutely burst in your chest.

“I love you so much too Buck,” you reply, lifting your head to peck him on the lips before placing your head back on his chest.

You lay in silence for a minute before your mind begins to wander again.

“Did you mean it?” you ask.

“Mean what, doll?”

“That you’ll be mine forever?” you ask. “I mean not just in the sexy way but that you’ll be with me forever?” you ramble out.

“God yes sweetheart, you’re the one for me.” He responds and you didn’t think your heart could explode anymore, but it just did.

You squeeze his shoulder with your hand before coming up to kiss him passionately again, almost crying at all of the love going though you.

“I promise I’m all yours forever too, Buck” you smile at him.

“Good,” he smiles back, and you rest back on his chest, eyes getting droopy.

“Night-night sweetheart.” You feel yourself smile in your sleep.

“Goodnight my love.” You reply, further cuddling into his chest. Bucky feels his heart combust in his chest. God, wasn’t he lucky to have you. He didn’t know what he did to deserve you, but he knew that he was going to assure you that you deserve the world every day for the rest of his life. He kissed the top of your head before falling into a deep sleep, content with his favorite person tight in his arms.

[brawlite-archive]

Im writing a steve-billy-eddie fic and, although not my first time writing at all, im a bit nervous to publish it on ao3... do you have any tips to get over that anxiety? I'm scared nobody will read it, which has happened on watppad when I used it years ago. Also im super excited for the next chapter, will it be published tomorrow? its midnight where i live so hshs timezones are kinda funny

i often write in smaller fandoms with very niche, very trashy pairings. if one person enjoys and reads my fic, it's a great day. but in the end, i write it bc i enjoy it - and that goes doubly so for writing with @toast-ranger-to-a-stranger! i LOVE writing with toast, am just ravenous for it, and honestly having something to publish at the end is like a really great byproduct of a fun time.

which i guess is to say: don't be anxious! (easier said than done, sry!) write for you and do it bc you think it's fun. share what you want and if people enjoy it with you, that's magical. don't worry about engagement - writing fic isn't something that should make you anxious, it should be fun and rewarding, a neat little treat for yourself. at least that's my take on it!

as for the next chp, i am currently traveling so it will go up at some point in the next couple of days. updates will b slower bc i'm less-around and we will too-soon catch up to where we left off, otherwise!

link me ur fic when u post it, i'd love to read it!

[jaeqtstuff]

― 𝑔𝒽𝑜𝓈𝓉 𝑜𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊

words count: 1.7k

playlist: ghost by justin bieber (recommend to listen to it while reading, just to get the feels because im suck at angst lol)

pls note that english is not my first language. but i had fun writing this so i hope you too! xx

[10:15pm] after escaping the most boring blind date that your friend set you up with, you came across the usual late night bar that you used to go during your days with beomgyu. yeah, your famous ex among your peers.

everybody knows how in love, how insanely perfect the two of you were for a love story but that was during high school. college was a whole different story. it suddenly becomes so toxic that it drained both of you. waking up every morning was a burden to the point you can't even breath in each other presence. you didn't know what went wrong, neither did he but as years passed, it was all because of childish reason. the most hurtful thing about this one is, you knew it could be saved but you didn't do anything. and neither did he.

"whiskey on the rocks." you choose to sit far from others, wanting more privacy. the bartender seems to recognise you by the way his mouth formed a big smile as if he was welcoming a friend. you smiled back, nonetheless.

let's just call it off. it's better this way. i mean can you do this everyday? doesn't this itch you?

you shut you eyes close as you slowly savouring every drops of it. why does it taste bitter? it shouldn't taste like this. i should've just go home.

fucking sick of it. fucking sick of everything and just piss off. don't you get tired of me? honestly i am. so get lost from my fucking sight.

the more you sip, the bitter it got. you didn't enjoy it. maybe that's the reason why some people avoid old places but you were there, drinking alone in the most romantic set up you could ever imagine for a late night bar, the low dimmed lights and slow soul music playing in the background and not to mention all the couple around you. you hate it so much but you can't deny the obvious fact that you missed it. you miss how this place used to caress you with memories you still keep in the deepest part of your heart.

"do people still come over to sing?" you casually asked the bartender as he slips your second drink. you remember how beomgyu used to say that he will sing at the small stage and dedicate a song for you infront of everyone in the bar but he never did.

"well yes. in fact, we're preparing for one." he replied, with much excitement at you. you look passed your shoulders, eyes fixed to the small stage at the corner. they were getting ready with the mic and there was single stool with a guitar at the side.

"he's a good singer." the bartender commented as he was wiping all the utensils he had used just now with a clean cloth. "really?" you look away from the stage and bring your glass close to the mouth. without wasting much, you gulped down the rest of the drink in one go before taking out your purse to pay. you could hear the soft melody of guitar playing at the back but you were more focus with the text displayed on your home screen. "it's weekend. leave me the fuck alone." you hissed under your breath.

Youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow

I miss your touch on nights when I'm hollow

I know you crossed a bridge that I can't follow

Since the love that you left is all that I get

I want you to know that if I can't be close to you

I settle for the ghost of you

I miss you more than life

you shut the phone away and bring the card out to pay. you waited for the bartender to notice you but you were now interested with the song. your head unknowingly move with the beat, fingers tapping slowly on your bare legs. the lights on the stage were too dimmed and you couldn't see well who was the one singing but his voice was causing a whole war flashback in your head.

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

you never knew a song could break you so much, not when you least expected it but the one singing was also not helping the situation any better. he was singing his heart out, as if he was the one writing the lyrics from some kind of painful experience he ever had in his life. anyone in the bar could say the same thing.

Youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow

I need more time but time can't be borrowed

I'd leave it all behind if I could follow

Since the love that you left is all that I get

I want you to know that if I can't be close to you

the more you listen, the more your heart ached. all these years, you thought you moved on from him. you can finally accept the fact that you can live without him by your side. in those years, it's a lie if you say you never thought of him during those drunken nights with your friends. but tonight was brutal. you could relate to the lyrics so much that you had trouble holding yourself back from any breakdown that would cost you every time you said you were good without him.

I'll settle for the ghost of you

I miss you more than life, yeah

you were never good.

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy (oh)

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

you were never calm after both of you called it off. you forced yourself to drink every night so that you can sleep without thinking of him but the terrible headaches every morning was torture. the moment you get up, he was all over in your head. you remember how you wanted to run back to him every night, tell him to forget all the bad pieces and just start new but by looking at the sight of it, it would make you throw up. you definitely knew it will make things worse.

you looked at the stage, still trying to see who was the one singing. heart still hurting but deep down, you were expecting something out of wicked love story. the tears building up in your eyes were not helping as your visions got blurry from the lyrics. blinking the tears away, you were nervous to look back to the stage again.

So if I can't get close to you

I'll settle for the ghost of you

But I miss you more than life

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy

you breathed in deeply, struggling to gain your composure. nonetheless, the shaky eyes went back to the stage where suddenly, the lights around the stage were slowly looking brighter. you could clearly see how he was playing the guitar effortlessly with his eyes closed. the expression on his face was tormentingly raw or maybe it was just your eyes telling the lies to the mind, telling you that he was also in much pain just like you were. one thing for sure, you eyes couldn't lie the one infront of you.

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

how can you forget his voice? you gasped for air, breathed in every sharp air you could get because you knew, the night will only get worse, will only wreck you even more than it did before. you could never get better from it.

the people around you start clapping, telling you that he was done singing on the stage. you could hear the soft giggle from the mic before the countless thank you from him. you carefully eyed him at the stage before taking out the cash from your purse, putting the card back inside. you couldn't be bothered about the points because the last thing you want was beomgyu seeing you in this helpless state. smudge eyeliner and mascara because of the tears and also the short lacy black dress you were wearing. it was too obvious.

so you left without looking back. and oh boy, the moment the cold air hit your face, you couldn't hold back the tears. no, you were weeping, sobbing, almost throwing up on the side road. walking to home will be hard but you were quick to stop a cab.

thank god the tears stop the moment you were in the cab. the warm seat kinda cool you down a bit but your heart was eager. you didn't stop there and pulled out the phone from your back. eventhough you didn't contact each other, you knew where to find him and in those nights like this, you always check on him. last time you did was two years ago and maybe it should just stay unchecked.

the moment it hits you, there i knew i am still holding on to the past just like how i always did. and perhaps it's because you are always there. not leaving me nor forget about me. i will just settle like this, holding on to that life i miss most. ― 15 minutes ago

wish you can stay longer so that this night would not be lonely again but it's not what i thought it is. i'm sorry. ― 2 minutes ago

you lost at the last words and now fighting your own mind, telling the cab to turn around but you couldn't get the words out from your mouth. you knew beomgyu saw you, he probably saw you in that bar. sitting alone at the furthest table from the rest. he probably saw how you were struggling in your seat, looking so pathetic in that dress.

he was right. beomgyu was right.

this night will only get lonelier. if only you stayed, maybe things could change but you knew, it can only work if both of you wanted it. he had his chance but he didn't use it. in between those tears, you laugh it off, thinking how stupid could you be with just simple words like 'i'm sorry', you were ready to throw yourself again to the deepest pit of hell with him.

choi beomgyu,

the only man who wreck you this much. the only man who can prove to you that there will be no other lover like him.

"choi beomgyu."

[carrickbender]

A little Wesnesday morning catch up:

- It's still sinking in that the house buying ordeal that is finally over, and that we bought a house... We.Bought.A.House.... the fact that somebody thought enough of me to take a chance and loan me a large sum of cash is mind boggling. But I'm going to accept what the universe is giving because I'm worthy of it, and have worked hard not only to make it happen.

- Tomorrow I have gastric bypass surgery, and im just...ready. The pre-op liver shrinking diet has been nuts! Covid test-check; labs-check; work, then blam! The culmination of more than a years work to get another tool to help me live longer. I'm pretty stoked, kinda nervous... but am also really ready.

- We are potty training Henry right now, and hes doing so good. And H... yall, I can't begin to tell you how appreciative I am of her and everything she does. Makes my heart so full... But this kid too, what a goofball. I'm really lucky. I never thought I'd get to do this job in life...

-So in other news, my parents have both lost the plot. My mom is absolutely batshit and is driving me up a wall with her nervousness about going to see her better half for the first time since we closed the border almost 2 years ago. So she's just "what if this happens", "maybe I should drive"- to which I replied:

She's just very extra these days. And I love her to death, but... Oh and my other parent(s)? My dad and stepmom are adopting a horse, I mean a rescue Irish Wolfhound(see above picture). I mean, I get it, they're really cool critters, but they already have a zoo!!!!

- If you are wondering about the music, it's about the only way I can express my disgust without getting preachy and ragey. My list is really long these days, and a lot of it originates in Texas(go figure!), with Florida following very closely.

- One of my best mates and I are going FOO FIGHTING in August, and im seriously excited. 2 bucket list artists in 1 year...

- Canvas was down yesterday, so hopefully we might get one more day to play catch up for back assignments. Fingers crossed...

- I just want to send yall the good energy I've got left because the holidays are often hollow days for so many. And this year, ONCE AGAIN -THANKS TO THE SELFISH, so many will be spending it alone and shouldering more burdens than normal. Please reach out, and know you aren't alone in all this insanity. And also to the same who are just soldiering on- believe me when you are seen, and know you are loved-promise.

Take care, and wish me luck! Oh, and here's a Henry tax...