#my head hurts but it's the best feeling rn
Text
having a breakdown is. a bit cringe. like.. me?? CRYING??!?!?!? naur.....
#i usually cry pretty silently#so to cry loudly or visibly is a bit. it freaks me out ig?#cause i think that surely i will be judged for having noticable human emotions surely the people close to me#will hate me for expressing myself in a way that isn't positive and perfect#i sanitize my mental health soooo much that. sometimes i forget i'm not actually doing okay ??? if that makes sense lmao..#so ya bein told i'm perfect while sobbing like a baby was. a lot. i sobbed more. it meant a lot to hear that honestly#i didn't know i needed to hear it like that#i've been trying so hard to earn my place in people's lives that i created all of these convoluted rules i felt i had to abide by#it's been exhausting#i have given so much love but struggled to believe maybe i really am loved too#my head hurts but it's the best feeling rn#i've cried Really cried for the first time in so long#i was loud and i made my hurt known#it's not really easy. it doesn't get better from here. it'll come in waves as always and i will withstand the tides#hopefully hand in hand with the people i love#i'll get better at preventing myself from falling into those Mentally Ill traps#it'll get easier to trust myself and others#and to. explain the mentally ill . so things don't get this bad again#well. ohm. hopefully#agshddjkdkd#aaaaanyways ohm if you made it this far. i love you i love you i love you#i promise i do#we'll be okay and things'll get easier although it doesn't always seem like it#if your head stuff hurts you and hurts others you're not bad you're not a bad person#hold the hurt in your hands and then let it fall away so it doesn't stick around to hurt you again#that's when things get easier#that's when you feel the love people have poured into you#i love you i love you i love you#as you are now and as you will be later and i thank the person you were because you are here now <3
0 notes
Text
good morning i can't stop thinking about my gf telling me my body was made to be worshipped as she kissed down my stomach and thighs end me end me end me end me end me end me en
#she's impossibly hot and the things she says make my brain melt#i apologized for making positions difficult bc i can't put pressure around my ribs rn so she couldn't support herself on top of me smoothly#and she literally pinned my arms down and told me i have nothing to apologize for and she just wants to make me feel good#and she doesn't want to cause me any of this kind of pain (wink) so she wants to know what would hurt so she doesn't do it#and i just#swooned#so simple to be accommodated but the first time i have to ask for an accommodation during sexy time i always feel a lot of ways#but also for her to like assertively say 'no i'm taking care of you tell me how to do it best'#swoons even harder#literally just put me in my place and tell me you're doing something for me bc you know i need/want it but just can't 'accept' the help#it's a secret hack that lets my brain let other people do things for me/cater to me if you just take it by force fyi#cnc: soft gentle head from your gf edition#hikey#j ☀️
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
. Ugh
#i will prolly delete these because im just fucking tired rn#but i went for a walk to clear my head#and a group of ppl started yelling at me and shit#i was literally just sitting by the pool minding my bussiness#and ignored them at first#but they reminded me i am just fat and ugly lmfao#i just got back in my room and im trying to keep convo with my best friend#so i dont lose it#but im just sobbing like#yeah okay i guess im fat and stupid and ugly to look at#fucking sure w/e#should of just fucking thrown myself in there to drown#i feel so fucking embarrassed and hurt
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
i miss my friend but how do i tell them i miss them without bothering/messaging them :’((
#ooc#i think im safe to post this here but also im sick rn so maybe my thoughts are clouded by illness#i know im not being ignored but damn it feels like im not someone they can just talk to anymore and that sucks#like we had a convo about not being tired of talking to each other a few months back like#even if we’re out of social battery it wouldnt matter if talking to each other#and now im part of the ‘oh yea you dont know’ group and it feels weird sjjfjfkkskfkkskd#trying so hard to be a normal person about this#im sure theyre just busy and im trying to drill it into my head so it doesnt bother me#but to have gone from being able to chat at least once almost everyday for the past decade to silence if i dont send a message… hurts#and if you DO stumble upon this (again im sick and im sure u use tumblr sparingly)#i dont want to guilt you into talking to me bc thats the LAST thing i want is to add to ur stress#but ig this in itself could do that and i dont mean to#just stuck in a weird loop and again i miss my best friend so much
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
@flovverworks | cont. from ( x )
Of course she pauses when they finally get the courage to speak, her entire process halting with her key dangling from the lock. Ah...They doted on her so much. She knew by now that it was their nature to just be concerned over their friend - no matter how close that friendship was - and it truly was a comfort at her low points to have such a caring neighbor. But her heart aches at the offer too. Her thoughts still flooded with self-deprecation, seeing Akira and knowing that, while they cared so much, this was also just business too. It's not their fault, though, even if her annoyance and worry presents itself with quick words and furrowed brows. Oh, she should just tell her mom to help her move apartments, but that wouldn't solve anything. Her mother and Bishop would both reject the idea when she felt so safe in this little complex. And, despite the cloud hanging over her, she'd hate to leave her only other friend...
"...I'm sorry." She says it in a dry laugh, finally giving Akira the time of day and looking them in the eye. This situation always sucks though, forcing a small smile, while not sure what exactly to say to ease the situation. God, she really was so boring and terrible...
"I'll, um...Let me, first -" She doesn't finish before grabbing her keys from her door, putting them back in her purse before taking a step towards Akira. A bit shaky, a bit stiff, yet trying to laugh off nerves with tired, smiling eyes. "...I'd love to try a cup. I feel like my tea selection has gotten a bit same-old, same-old anyways, you know? I should try new things once in awhile..."
#flovverworks#v: shining in a new light#( *poses like a model in the middle of the runway* angst is in season~#anyways#GETS SHAKEN!!!!!!!!#HER MODERN VERSE JUST MAKES IT MORE AAAAAAAAAAAA#i will give you so many more. when i have the energy (which idk maybe soon~) but yeah#HMMMMMMM i've thought about making her like 16 in modern. and that her contract expires when she's 18.#or like 18 to 20 but she's definitely young; since the idol industry goes.....young;;;;;;#but yes she's definitely so much younger than akira#thAT DIFFICULT LINE IS MY FAV PART OF YOUR REPLY but also it's so true just aaaaaaaaaaaaah#akira's hesitation and knowing that their friends but also bishop's concern being kind of the same way#caring in a friend / familial sense; but also from a business standpoint of “you're our best girl; you can't get hurt”#and diantha definitely knows it's more caring from akira but also “producer” from another friendly company that's kinda roped in to help he#yet she knows their so genuine but she also feels bad both in a friend sense and in making trouble for both their companys#screaming and crying in my head rn#anyways though the cat furniture must be the best thing in existence FGFGFGJHGHKJHGCV#DFGDFHGHGFCHFGVCHF TEXTING DIANTHA LIKE “look at this cat couch!! that arms are huge paws!!” “did s/o approve?” “they will when they see it#how many cat things does diantha hold in her apartment until akira can clean up and put them where they want them to be#how many would she have to hold while akira tries to convince their s/o that it's the PURRFECT IDEA and then their s/o facepalms#also the “more books than a normal place” comment: ummm diantha has read all of them and requests akira to buy more#not like she also doesn't have her own massive bookshelf filled with random books#ranging from her own tastes to fan gifts / reccommendations#ALSO OF COURSE I MENTION THE OTHER MAIDENS + BISHOP they are my lifeblood on this blog#the shock diantha will feel learning bishop's name is actually poppy...diola would make a comment like “your hair isn't red tho?” or smth#I STILL NEED TO REREAD THEIR SEASONALS i'll do that when i get home tonight )
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
i got over 50 gb of panels i need to start spamming again... (<- a warning)
#tbh the main issue is getting spoons to ID them#my head hurts and i been feeling bad with all my healths so my ability to transcribe things is. not the best rn.#ransom note
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
like this & i'll pop into your inbox with new years asks <3
#ooc.#tbd.#my head hurt a little bit & im playing minecraft so i don't feel like in depth writing rn#i took some meds tho to rectify the situation; we'll see where i am in an hour or so#but i would still love to celebrate the new years with my mutuals the best way i know how <3
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’m in an extremely bad headspace rn but I want to be able to be positive for my friends and loved ones
#it’s been like two weeks and I think it’s time to admit that I’m not doing the best#but I’m never doing the best you know#but I wish it would be at a different time#it’s very inconvient for me to be drepesses rn#idk if I meant positive in my post btw I just mean#there. I’m not good with emotions but i want the ones I love to know I care#but it’s hard when I’m like. 6000 feet away from my feelings because I’m so depressed#I never wanna focus too much on hating myself that I forget to love the ones around me#but I do. often#the most that’s doable is not letting my depression actively hurt them#and even that#when I’m depressed I tend to get more in on myself#and I tend to be trapped in my own head. I find it hard to feel close to anyone#and when u have close friends or partners I feel like that can be a lil hurtful#unless I’m past rock bottom my love and affection n shit for my loved ones never fade even when I’m a lil loopy and detacthed#but#I worry one day I won’t come back from depresso land#what if I rlly do it one day#or what if in my own head I miss out on a loved ones cries for help#I try to be there but I’m not good at it#what if I fail again
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
ugh.
#trying to talk about it w my best friend. who ispart of a system. and I don't think i feel comfortable calling myself a system rn.#but i think my experiences are closer to what could be called OSDD rather than DrDp??#idk my head hurts every time i try to think about it#posts#self examination
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
they gave me a setlist last night btw <3
#bella.txt#my head hurts so bad and i can’t talk bc my throat is fucked and my body hurts#but holy shit that was maybe the best night ever of my life#twice we had damon standing on top of the barrier literally right where we were 😭😭 the crowd got pushy and uncomfy but it was still cool#he grabbed my hand while he was up there once djsjsf i hope he saw my tattoo#AND LET ME EXPLAIN THE SETLIST THING OK SO LIKE#they handed out two of these smaller folded setlists and a few guitar pics and one bigger setlist i think#and for everything they handed out they were like waiting for ppl to be like ooh me me give it to me#but for the setlist i got i literally wasn’t even paying attention like the guy just walked up and put it in my hand and i was like ???!!!!!#and then i ugly cried HFJDJSJSG#i guess i was like. being more batshit in the pit than i thought#but literally. girl i kid u not i think i sang every single word#i was sooo dehydrated by the end though like#sweetie irie was doing those ‘make some noise’ things to keep the crowd hyped and every time i yelled/screamed my head felt like it was-#gonna pop like a balloon fjfjdjsg#it was so fun though i literally feel like i have a golden light emitting from my whole body rn. just straight from my soul
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
like . omg i know i need to stop POSTINGGGG but god thinking abt the argument w my parents last night and all the implications of it hurts so bad it’s unreal it hurts literally so bad. and it is ruining my life in so many ways and ive been fighting back tears all day bc of it. Lol
#purrs#i think im a burden to everyone and that everyone thinks im stupid and young and naïve entitled selfish annoying etc etc but really it’s#just my parents who think that and the fact that they do means that there is something fundamentally wrong with me so i carry that into#every relationship im in and isolate myself and hold back from saying how i feel and setting boundaries and i am so sad and tired all the#time that i never talk to anyone and i beat myself up for making mistakes and for having thoughts and feelings and i hurt the people who#love me by denying myself to them and not believing in their love and it fucking sucks and i hate that i will never fully recover from the#damage and i hate that the damage is over the STUPIDEST fucking shit in the whole world that is literaly nothing compared to some of the#horrors in the human experience like it’s just 2 bad fights with my mom and my brother being born and my grandma dying and how my mom did or#did not parent me 100% to her best ability during all of those moments and suddenly im fucked in the head for life over DUST BUNNIES. over#DRYER LINT. CRUMBS! specks of dirt. like are you kidding me. catapulting myself into the nearest viper pit rn i think. but also it’s 1:30 am#and i am working tomorrow and ive had an exhausting soul crushing week and i need to go to bed and i am running away from everyone and#everything in my life and it just is a hard time to be a person right now anyway so like maybe i need to just go to sleep and reblog some#posts and play animal crossing in all my free time and throw my phone into the river and be normal for 2 seconds. ok.#* 3 bad fights w my mom. but also a lot more but especially those 3 ♥️
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
Don't know if I said it out loud here or not, but idk how much writing I'll be able to get done in these next couple of weeks. I work 39.5 hours this week and next, with only my availability days off as my true "break time", but I usually spend those days with my dad (this Saturday I'm also going to a memorial thing.........yay). So I may just be drained of energy whenever I get home from work, soooo........See you guys when I can / my body and mind say I can!!!!!!
#;big bubble blowing baby! ( ooc )#( i also may have to have a not fun talk with my store manager#because a fall on my knee and ankle from december has been really hurting lately; so i was gonna get the workmans comp / help#but it either was never inputted properly or it closed way too early#because when my mom and i tried to call the people:#1) my boss i did the accident report with never gave me a copy of the report itself#2) the people (to my current knowledge) never called me#3) when we asked our HR for the case number and phone number she gave us both as typos AND the case number was written wrong#on the report itself???????#4) the people couldn't find my case under my name or case number (the woman on the phone was v sweet)#so we've had to reopen the case; get the right case number; make sure i memorize the phone number b/c they should call me#but they haven't called my yet............and my store manager requested the security footage from my fall#it's through corporate not through my store though (the workman's comp) so corporate must've thought it was weird#i promise i'm not trying to rip anyone off or cause trouble; i just want my knee and ankle to feel better;;#i also don't want him getting on my case of “well you do your job / you don't look like you hurt” because i will -#i'm one of the most hardworking in my part of the store. my mom and i aren't going to stop just b/c we hurt#we're trying to do our best jobs for the store despite pain#if they wanted me to complain about every time i hurt i would#i would gladly sit on a chair at a checklane all day if possible#all the scenarios for a talk are just running through my head rn and i'm like gfhggfkgfhgfcgckhjfg#i get in before my mom tomorrow............she said if he has to talk i can wait until she gets there so we can all talk together#i love my mom........so sweet.........i'd hate if she had to pay for anything )
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Why do I feel guilty for being happy? Like I am happiest sitting in the trunk of the car at the lake alone reading and listening to music and watching movies and just being alone in the van and then I have to like force myself to get back in the drivers seat and go home to be alone at home like even if I did the same stuff in my bedroom it wouldn't make me happy the same way. I feel so bad for this change I feel like I'm avoiding my mom when I'm not it's just like memories of dad and friends I don't talk to anymore and like yeah it's just a lot easier to sit in the car and be happy so why do I feel so bad when I'm happy driving around
#i love my mom I love my bedroom I love my dog I love my house I love my yard and my neighbors but why did he have to die down the street#like dude#it's literally the closer I get to my house the worse this fucking black cloud is over my head#i just want to get away from it and the twenty minutes to drive to the lake seems to be just enough for me to get away from it all and just#live in the moment#and it's perfect. it's fucking perfect. but then I have to get up and go home cause I can't sit in the car forever#and I used to sit in the driveway at the old house parked for an hour after I got home#but now we've got real neighbors and no trees surrounding the yard we're so painfully visable to everyone I just want to sit outside but#also hide from the world at the same time and that's why I miss New England and trees surrounding my bedroom and climbing out my window to#smoke on a little wooden stool I made in eighth grade and I miss that old house so much and I can never go back and they cut all the trees#down anyways#the trees that watched me cry when I walked home from school and jump rope and laugh and smoke cigs with my best friend at the time and now#the trees are gone#it feels like a piece of me is still with that house in New Hampshire even though new people live there and maybe there's a part of my dad#there too that I'm not getting back#i can see him so clearly in my brain sitting at his desk in that house#i can see it clearer than I can see him anywhere in the new house he isn't with us he is in New Hampshire he isn't here it's so painfully#obvious that he isn't here anymore and it just hurts I don't wanna think about the house I just want to sit at the lake and cry in the trunk#like I'm doing rn cause fuck I made the tears happen thinking about New Hampshire and growing up and changing and death and my dad#it's just really hard to deal with sometimes and I had a great day today but I'm still ending it by crying
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#personal#got into it w the boytoy#so i guess we cant talk anymore#which feels so final#all bc he hates the way i communicate more than anyone else ive ever met in ny life#i thought i was doing pretty good#so its kinda a shock#just came at a really bad time#everything is fracturing#i didnt need this rn#ive tried so hard to explain myself and communicate and be honest and it all just came to bite me in the ass#like yes i know having rsd doesnt absolve me of being shitty sometimes#but in the context of our convo it should shed some light that I CANT HELP IT#and then for him to throw in my face i get all up in my head abt crazy things was unnecessarily rude#like i told him bc i couldnt convince myself i was wrong abt it anymore#just. the complete lack of understanding. shit hurts!!!!#yeah im not gonna win best communicator awards or anything but fuck if i wasnt trying#and then to say he experiences it and knows other people who do. at what point do you admit maybe im worse off than you and anyone you know#god forbid i be mentally ill with a man#either way i sent him another msg this morning bc im dumb and also i dont make life decisions past 10pm#just saying he was holding me accountable for the others w rsd that have hurt him#and how it wasnt fair#and how he changed the way he wanted me to talk when we were arguing#i hate it when all someone sees is what youre not doing as opposed to what you are doing#like asking everytime i thought he was upset w me was MONUMENTAL for me#and all i got was shit on#about a boy
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#wanting to text him but knowing i shouldn't#i went to look at his stuff and I'm blocked on everything#i don't know why it hurts so much#its literally whats best for both of us but god i am insane#im literally dating someone and i keep comparing thrm to him in my head#i need obsession#i want to update him on everything in my life#i want to tell him that we missed out talk day#i set the calendar notification to 2025#but he didn't reach out either#i hope he moved on#he deserved better#im about to turn Tumblr into my own personal therapist rn#my life is falling apart#lol#they think i might have leukemia#im about to switch jobs again because im dying#and the person I'm seeing makes me feel like shit#oh and my body hurts nad im covered in bruises and tired and noe im depressed because of all of it#I'm pretty sure everyone hates me and they should#its a good idea lol#im probably gonna delete this#i might run away#what if i moved to like new york or Washington or something#somewhere far away#its like dying without thr death#i think i need to go back to therapy lol#id be sorry about the rant but no one follows me on here so its fine#thank you Tumblr therapy session
0 notes
Text
i need to redo my spotify......
#☼.txt#i KNOW i am having uhhh WAVES HANDS BC IDK WHAT TO CALL IT RN#problems is not the best word idk if drawbacks is either bc there hasnt really been IMPROVEMENT there just hasnt been an. INSTANCE#for a very long time#but i can TELL that an INSTANCE is happening bc there is a part of me that feels like a very small dog put in an uncomfortable situation#who wants to bite everything#but like. behind a very THICK wall of glass#uh whatever i need to fix my spotify rearrange it or remake it or something my head hurts from clenching & grinding#i vacuumed my room today at least
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
wisecountyfmoem-blog
Be Safe, Be Prepared
rgr-travel-food
RGR travel & food
carvers-hawke
That's how we did it back in Fereldan!
sountir
all todo