#my job is full of gossip. i dont need my personal business being spread around

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

My boss: You have a girlfriend? How did I not know?

Me: We've been together for two and a half years, so that's kind of on you

My boss: You could've been married with six kids and I wouldn't know

[birdie7272]

Life.

The short version.  Very to the point. 

haha. I’m not capable.  This was as short as I could go.

TL;DR at the bottom

Nov 2019 - I was passed over for a promotion by someone who had been working there a lot less time than me and less qualified.  Why?  Diversity.  They needed a man to be manager.  Also because one of the other managers, someone who I had believed to be my friend, took things I said outside of work when we were drinking in her apartment -misunderstood venting for actual complaints- and spread horrible HORRIBLE rumors about me to the staff and my boss’ boss.  For her, this was nothing.  She never saw complaining about me to the staff as an issue (thinking venting and rumours were different).  To this day she does not understand how much the staff love her and will do ANYTHING for her.  If she hates someone, EVERYONE hates that person. 

Hate being a strong word.  She didn’t hate me.  We just didn’t vibe.  Different styles of managing/different personalities.  She manages by being friends with the staff under her.  It works for her but it is dangerous.  Such as calling me such a bitch.  Everyone now thinks I am a bitch.  Even if they know me better or do not know me at all.

To give you an idea.  After this hand happened, months after, she came to me crying because she didn’t understand what happened between us.  She thought I was one of her closest friends.  Yeah.  She talked shit about me but she thought that was fine.  I thought she was my closest too.  Owch all around.  Spoiler: we talk it out but we dont’ go back to being friends.

Dec 2019 - I am then moved to work under the man promoted over me.  At the store the former friend/manager JUST moved out of. AKA I moved to the store with a staff full of people who HATED ME.  And they were not afraid to let me know it.

The manager knows how upset I am, vows to try and make me as happy working under him as possible.  I don’t blame him.  He wanted a promotion.  He took the opportunity.  He says he’ll try and get the staff on my side.

2020 - I become friends with this manager.  We talk about everything.  We only hang out at work but due to COVID we are the only two people.  Everyone else laid off.  We become very close.  We don’t want to mix seeing each other outside of work with work and that’s fine with me!

Safe topics for him are sex and drugs and those taboo topics that make you feel close to someone.  Politics, gay rights, woman’s rights, poc rights.  Food, cleaning, blah blah.  You get it.

When it comes to work tho.  I’m not happy.  I was promised (as much as one can) that I would be the manager of the next store opening Summer 2020.  I find out through someone else (not my boss or my boss’ boss) that this store is not opening due to COVID. 

My depression has always been something I battle.  December was rough.  Then with COVID and learning my promotion was not going to happen this year (my boss’ boss asking me to stick it out b/c who knew what would happen?).  My thoughts go to self harm and suicide.  Never would I do it.  But I have reoccurring fantasies of other people doing it for me (car crash, work injury, etc).

My depression gets really really really bad.  The worst its been in 5 years.  I go to work, come home, go to bed.  That’s all.  I can’t do anything else.  For a weeks on weeks.

I have a partner.  He has been bless to not have to deal with someone like me before or deal with this state himself.  Which is great in a way.  We can’t be mad at people for not feeling our misery.  However, it does mean he does not know how to help me.  He tries his best but... well.  You know. 

I opened up to my boss about it.  My boyfriend did not know about my suicidal thoughts, but he did.  Just to let you know how close I was to him.

June 2020- I apply for a new job.  Clearly I need a change.  My boss offers up his recommendation if I need it. 

I don’t get it b/c I put my foot in my mouth during the interview.  I accidentally let them know I was leaving, basically, because I was promised a promotion (twice now) and did not get it b/c of COIVD.  (I didn’t mention it was twice and that the first time was b/c of rumours from a misunderstanding with a friend at work situation).  The interviewer was not happy with that! “We don’t know if a manager spot will be available next year.  How do I know you won’t just leave here?”  -- fair.  But I couldn’t exactly tell her the real reasons!

I talk to my boss’ boss to let her know how I’ve been feeling.  Roughly.  Mostly just that I feel like I don’t have a future at the company.  She’s upset.  She never meant to make me feel that way.  We restart the plan to make me manager next.

This is when I start to realize my relationship with my boss (the man) is not working.  We’re friends, sure.  But I realize that every time I try and talk to him about managing/improving the store/ways to improve sales/ WORK stuff.... he does not want to talk about it.  Any idea I have gets shot down and his reason is “our store is fine”.  Yes.  It was fine.  But it could be great!  I want it to be great.

Every time I’ve asked him for feedback on my job performance, he says I’m doing everything great.  That he doesn’t know what those rumours about me being a bitch were about.  I’m great at my job and am doing a great job and should keep it up!  

I feel re-inspired.  I’m talking to a therapist again.  I have my boss’ boss supporting me for my promotion (only between me and one other woman -outside hire but she does have more retail and managing experience than me so tough competition).  And most of the staff who hated me are gone.  Turnover high due to COVID and also b/c the company was bought out a year before and people no longer stick around since they went corporate.

I am much more productive at work!  I start going back to managing more.  Competitions, fun stuff, new ideas, more productive learnings, etc.  The new staff and I get along great.  Lots of work done!

Which is when I realize exactly how much I”m doing.  I’m doing my boss’ job.  All of it.  Stuff I don’t need to do.  I have been all year.  I know it was because I was a ‘manager in training’.  But I’ve already learned how to do operational stuff.  I’m doing his job.  What is he doing??  Wow.  I realize he’s not doing anything.  Even managing the staff.  I’m the one coaching and motivating and giving feedback.  When I’m not around, the staff tells me he does nothing.  When I am there, he’s asking me what he should be doing.  He refers to me as the ‘real’ manager and that he’s just the face.  ALL THE TIME.  I suddenly realize (thank you therapy and unbiased pov) that this has been our dynamic since I moved under him. 

Why do I Let him do this?  We’re friends.  I forgive him.  He has anxiety.  He’s threatened by me.  He knows I could do his job.  He wants to keep me happy so he doesn’t lose me because I’m the one doing his job!  Of course.  Well I love the job so I can keep doing it, right?

Ignore the fact that he makes 10,000 more a year than me.  I’m getting that promotion next so.   My boss’ boss -in a talk with her and my boss- tells me that I am 100% the next manager according to her.     Yup!  It’s FINEEEEEEeeeeeeee.....

Then.  He talks about MY sex life to one of the staff.  One of the new girls that works under me. 

My sex life is a whole ‘nother thing.  It does not exist.  He doesn’t understand that.  I don’t understand it either.  I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years but we haven’t had sex since... six months into the relationship.  It’s why I opened up to him about it.  That’s actually something I really need to find someone to talk to about so... will do that at some point!  sure. 

NOT COOL.  I found out about this through deductive reasoning actually.  The coworker asked me about my sex life which I NEVER brought up to her before.  She asked me if I even had sex.  NO ONE would ask me that.  EVER.  I’m not a bitch but I am a bit of a hardass.  No one would ask me that out of the blue.

Then my boss said something about regretting what he says when his anxiety makes him panic.  Okay.  Yup.  I can put two and two together.

I wait.

He comes to me a few days later and admits what he did.  I told him I already had forgiven him because I did.  His anxiety is bad.  I get it.

I thought I did.  But he did exactly what the other manager did back in 2019.  Made me feel like I could open up and then gossiped about me to the staff.  Worse, he knew that’s what happened before.  He saw me crying for weeks over it.  He was my shoulder to cry on about it.  Now he did it to me. 

I’m suddenly no longer cool with being friends and doing his job.  What am I getting out of this?

Sept 2020 - I go to another manager for advice.  She’s older, mature, and is not my manger’s boss so she can’t get him in trouble.  She tells me this is so NOT OKAY and that I should have come out with this stuff much sooner and that I need to talk to our boss.   My boss’ boss.  The one that’s been working with me.  We have a great relationship.  She’s my boss’ boss but she won’t just fire him or tell him I went to her about this. 

I ask her for a call, she’s busy, so she calls me when I’m next working.  Same day I’m working with my boss.  He -being paranoid and anxiety ridden- freaks out when I take the call in the office.  He keeps coming back, as does the other employee (Same one he gossiped to).  I get frustrated and half tell my boss what’s going on -it’s messy and not at all how I planned to talk to her- but I get the main points out.  My boss fucked up not only with that gossip but in some other ways that affect the company and I can’t keep pretending everything is fine.  I don’t want him fired or anything but I know he can do better and I want to help.  This is all true too!  B/c while I”m hurt I do understand and I do want him to do better.  I want his job and I hate watching someone do the job I love and not give a shit but I don’t want it b/c I get him fired.  WHELP.  One of those times he came back to the office, he called his phone via his smartwatch and listened to my half of the messy convo from the bathroom.

I have the real convo in my car during my lunch break, pretending to call my mom.  He says some stuff to me that makes it apparent he was eavesdropping.

We have a big talk.  I tell him exactly what I want.  I want to take a step back from doing his job because I have been doing it.  I want to give him the chance to actually manage.  Tell me what to do.  Anything you want, I will do it.  But I also want to take a step back from being friends.  Trust broken.  He’s upset.  We’re both crying.  He wants to make it up to me.  Hates breaking my trust and what we had.  I say it’s not forever but I just need to get back to that point.  We can be friends again.

Things are a bit messy at first.  I hate being unproductive at work.  I know how much there is to do.  But I can do it! 

He cannot.  He freaks out at how much his job actually entails.  I didn’t know it yet but he was already looking for a new job.  We have some disagreements and it’s odd to not talk about our personal lives but we make it work.  A bit awkward but that’s okay.  I work on other projects and he takes over operations again. 

Fri - Then he puts in his two weeks.  I am genuinely upset because we are friends!  And we’ve been working in each other’s laps almost a year.  He gets a job that he loves tho and he says I’ll be getting his so everyone is happy! 

Sat - We talk about the next steps.  I tell him I don’t want him to feel like I’m pushing him out but I want his advice on the transition b/c I respect his opinion.  He says he knows/he’s fine with it.  We talk about being friends/hanging out when he’s at his new job.  He says he’ll do everything to ensure I’m the next manager.

Tue- I come into work unhappy but try to be happy.  There was a holiday manger call and I’m concerned b/c I wasn’t on it.  However my boss’ boss told me she already put my name in for the promotion and all it needed was a stamp of approval.  She told me that as long as nothing dramatic happened, I would get it.  Told my boss this and he was supportive.  We talked about one of the new girls’ training and I mentioned I wanted to take it over.  My boss was unhappy about this (he loves training) but he was leaving and he knew it.  I take over the call b/c he has it on his phone on earbuds.  However he’s texting his boyfriend angrily.  I can sense he was upset by this but based on saturday’s convo I know he’ll remember and be fine.  I plan to talk to him before he leaves but give him some space. 

The power goes out.  The call is cut off for us.  I make calls and set up the backup program while he goes out for a smoke.  He comes in and leaves and comes in and leaves.  I think nothing of it b/c that’s what he does when he’s angry or anxious. 

I deal with some customers and then we’re dead so I go to the office.  His keys are on the table.

I walk to the backdoor.  I see him in his car.  He sees me.  He peels out of the parking lot. 

I call my boss’ boss.  He emailed her.  Said that I was a horrible person, awful to work with, and should not be made manager.  He attaches something I emailed him back in January 2020.  A profile I wrote on one of our employees.  He thought it was proof of how horrible a person I was.  (it was not bad. Even my boss’ boss said it was fine.  It read like a FBI profile.)  He claimed I wrote these on everyone and kept them in a file.  Really, that one I wrote and emailed him b/c I was so upset over what happened in nov/dec 2019 because I felt like people didn’t understand me when I spoke.  That my brain worked differently.  He asked what I meant and when I said it was like a profile he didn’t understand and HE ASKED ME to write it down. 

So my boss’ boss things this is bs to me but she still has to forward it to her boss.  B/c they had an employee not fill out his two weeks.  That’s bad for him and the company.  Ppwk.  Stats.  That sort of thing.

I check social media.  He’s blocked me on all accounts. 

I cannot express how confused and hurt I was.  We were friends.  I KNOW we were friends.  I know he had anxiety.  I know why he acted the way he did with me.  But no one in my life had actively tried to hurt me so purposefully before.

That whole ‘as long as nothing drastic happens’.  Yup.  My -well- she’s now my boss- let’s me know.  That was it.  I’m not getting the promotion.  This email combined with the gossip about me from 2019 and the fact that I am very vocal when it comes to worker’s rights.  Yup.

Ask anyone I worked with.  They LOVED me.  I still feel like telling this pOV I come out looking like a bitch or something.  I cannot express how much I loved my job and had fun and how much my employees loved me.  When they found out I didn’t get it- I had multiple people from multiple locations threaten to strike.  Literally, strike.  They meant it too.

Yeah, god my ego.  But it’s true. 

They offer to allow me to manage the store until they can hire someone else.  So they are okay with me short term, but not long term.  I ask if I do a good enough job if they would promote me instead of hire someone else.  Like a trial.  NOPE.  I ask if I could have some sort of development plan to ensure I actually do get the promotion I was promised three times now.  NOPE.  There is literally nothing else for me to work on.  I’m ready.  This email from my closest friend just cost me.

I think long and hard, talk to my therapist (Second one this year).  I decide to quit.  I put in my three weeks notice and work it out till the end.  I deal with many a phone call with people who are upset at me leaving and customers who are very upset to see me go.  There was a lot of crying for a month.

Nope.  didn’t have another job lined up.  Couldn’t keep working at a place I loved when they didn’t want me.  Couldn’t watch someone else do the job I loved. 

They offered me a raise they offered me an extended vacation to come back. 

I couldn’t do it. 

They wanted an outside hire.  They spent all 3 weeks trying to find one but they couldn’t.  Rather than ask me to stay on as manager, they asked that other associate (the one with more managing experience) to do it. The one with all the complaints from customers and transphobic/racist complaints from associates.  Yup.  That one.

Now my parents were some of the people I talked to.  My parents and I have a complicated and distant relationship.  However, one hold they have over me is money.  I hadn’t seen them in over a year.  They wanted to see me despite it being COVID peak in November.  I agree as long as I quarantine.  I was hurting so much I just wanted a break.  I wanted to get away.

My last week my dad texts me.  My childhood dog was not doing well.  He was having her put down that day.  A week before I was about to go home.  She was my dog. 

I deal with a lot of tears and  a wonderful shower of gifts and visits.  I’m crying now.  Damn.

And then I leave and go to my parents’ house.  I didn’t realize how bad COVID was b/c I don’t watch the news.  I also didn’t think it thru.  My parents have never been there for me emotionally.  NEVER.  I stupidly thought they would step up their game b/c of how fucking awful my life was.  Yeah.  no.  It was like I was transported back to my teenage self.  Only this time, everyone is home 24/7.  Now retired, my dad is always there.  My mom works from home b/c of covid.  Her office is the only secluded room.  I am around them always.

Tough convos like; You don’t like us do you? and So you’ll never come home again, huh?  GREAT. 

Oh.  And I lost my thearpist when I lost my insurance. 

My boyfriend really does try.  But he’s not good emotionally either.

It’s a fucked up mess all around.  

Anyway.  Unemployed.  Figuring shit out.  I am still unemployed b/c I can’t look at getting a job.  I’m actually starting a blog and a podcast and a youtube channel.  It’s the same passion as this job was.  Only now I’m doing it myself.  It’s a lot of work and will hopefully launch soon but I am drowning in bills.  The reason I went to my parents was so that if I need their financial support I will still have it (amongst the naive idea that they would help me).  So I won’t go homeless.  I am blessed with my boyfriend having a job.  I won’t go hungry or homeless.  But my mental health is.... yeah.  I’m in a panic over a timeline that doesn’t exist. 

Yeah. I’m gonna throw up if I talk more about it.

YES THIS WAS THE SHORT VERSION.  hahaha

TLDR: My closest friend cost me a promotion at my absolute favorite job I’ve ever had.  I quit the job I love.  My dog died.  I spent two weeks with my emotionally abusive parents.  My boyfriend tries but... it’s not good enough and that makes me feel worse.  I’m unemployed and starting a blog.