#at work im pretty private and dont talk about myself too much

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

My boss: You have a girlfriend? How did I not know?

Me: We've been together for two and a half years, so that's kind of on you

My boss: You could've been married with six kids and I wouldn't know

[smiggles]

This is gonna be abit of a mouthful, but I need to get it off my chest now that years have passed and we've (hopefully you have too) matured by now.

I once looked up to you, but that was a very long time ago. The trauma you caused me is irreversible. tbf I used to be a brat and if I could go back in time to backhand my younger self I would, I own up to that. But I was only a teenager, still growing and learning about myself and how to talk to others properly. Turns out I was pretty much autistic, so communication wasn't my strong point at all back then.

But even then, your two-faced behavior of proudly shitting on and bragging about how much money you were ripping off the furry community, the people who actively supported you, loved your work and paid your bills, was appalling. I had every right to call you out on it. Instead of accepting it was wrong, you sent your roommates out like attack dogs to fight your battles, defend your toxic behavior and harass me. Every time I blocked them they would find a different site to attack me on. I struggled to make friends for years after that incident, I felt I couldn't trust anyone because of what you guys did.

Years passed, and I genuinely hoped you had changed for the better, only to see a callout post during pride of all times, about your grossly acephobic attitude. I had friends who were blocked by you and didn't understand why. You need to understand your damaging actions have severe affects on real people, and when you make public apologies, the people who comment saying they forgive you don't count if they weren't the ones hurt by you. They don't speak for those affected.

I'm not looking for an apology, even if given one I probably wouldn't accept it after all the damage you've done to me. I have zero interest in you being in my life again. I just wanted to give you this perspective to get it off my chest and for you to mull on, I want you to use it to improve yourself as a person moving forward. See the wrong in your actions, how badly it affects others, and make the choice to make things right.

But that's up to you now.

Hey, I know who this is an I want you to know that I think about you often.

Read more below

Sometimes your stuff shows up on my feed or someone shares something with me that youve made because we have common interests and I think to myself Im glad theyre doing well and I hope youre surrounded by people who support you. I dont say this as a way to like Save face because this is a public anon. I would say this to you in private if I could. I was a very nasty person years and years ago and no apology will take back the pain Ive caused others from that. Especially not you. But I am sorry. I wish things could have been different. I do. For the acephobia. Yes. I was acephobic and horrible about it. I hurt a lot of people from that and cant ever take that back but know that Ive learned a lot about how to treat others and unpack the internalized hatred towards my own ace'ness and how others present themselves. I also want to say I never sent my roommates on you. That was a choice they did on their own without my knowledge. I never ever want someone to go after anyone on my behalf and while it is likely hard to believe that those who have known me these past 5-6 years can vouch that as true. I have on multiple occasions asked my friends to leave people alone I end up disagreeing with. I never name drop people I dont get along with. I dont even tell people besides my very very private close friends about what happened between me and you and that might be about 3 or 4 people at most. As for blocking? I block very liberally LOL and its almost never personal. I block people for the smallest things just to curate my social media experience. If you ever wanted to reconnect and try again Im here. And I have no hatred in my heart. I have held myself accountable all these years for things I should have done better. Handled softer. In the end Truly. Im glad youve made a beautiful career out of something you love and no matter what happens between us I hope you continue to thrive. With all my heart.

[mcytblr-archive]

Early MCYTblr Interviews: nibbleinephym

our interviewee is @nibblelinephym (known in 2020/2021 as severely-nearsighted). here is a copy/pasted transcript of the questions and answers!

(if these posts are too long, please let me know, and i'll incorporate a cutoff in the future!)

Q: What do you remember most fondly about ‘Early MCYTblr’? (2020-2021)

A: i think im most fond of how tight-knit the community felt in the 'early days' honestly? dont get me wrong seeing it grow and new creators bring even more people in has been wonderful but theres just something about a smaller fandom that feels nice. we were never by any means a Small fandom but we're a Lot bigger now than we were just a few years ago!

Q: I understand that you were the face of Silverfish2020 (winner of the first MCYTblr elections). What was your experience in the elections themselves like?

A: first, clarifying; unfortunately silverfish2020 was Not the winner of the first election; that was quotes2020, represented by mcyt-quotes (who i believe has since changed urls? apologies but im not sure what their current one is or if theyre still active at all ^^;) by exactly four votes -- for me the elections were a lot of fun! when they were first starting up i wasn't sure if i wanted to join, since there were a Lot of people involved already and i hadn't really solidified myself as part of the community yet (i think i was still almost exclusively a musical blog back in the first days of it, not multifandom, which is so wild to think about tbh). im really glad i did though, i met some truly amazing people through the event that i still talk with to this day :] everything felt very fast paced at the time, especially since the discord was almost always going at blink-and-youll-miss-it speeds; you had to be Constantly in there if you wanted to participate in conversation. i remember whenever someone joined the server there would be a mob of people from different parties trying to convince them to side with theirs. surprisingly, that tactic worked pretty well for a lot of parties. i vividly remember that there was usually a pause of activity in the general server when results were being posted and a boom when they were all out. it was overall just a generally pretty positive environment from what i remember

Q: You were also a contestant in the MCYTblr ‘Friend or Host’ for Paint (adhddream). What do you remember of it?

A: friend or host was great! i wasnt in the competition long (iirc i was one of the first five out??? i dont actually remember how many contestants there were for the round but i know i was pretty early ^^;) but paint seemed really chill, it was just a nice little thing that we did for fun at love or hosts peak. i remember the discord stream of it didnt exactly go very well -- there was an issue with the visuals i think? so it might have been only audio. but im not entirely sure about that, it didnt really stick in my mind as well as other things from that era.

Q: What was the roleplay for Silverfish2020 like? 

A: the silverfish roleplay was very,, im not sure what the best word for it would be. chaotic maybe. there were a lot of things going on there just because there were a lot of things going on in the elections roleplay as a whole. we really leaned into the cult thing when the jokes started and it just kinda spiraled from there. in the beginning we toyed with the idea of a chestburster type thing living inside of the party members but it never really went anywhere despite how much we talked about it in our private discord,, instead we just focused on the party being a sort of hivemind. they lived in a stronghold under a dead forest and would try to get others to listen to 'the buzz' (like. insect buzzing. except if you listened to it long enough youd start hearing promises of a new family and respect and power and shit like that). one of our party members, shard (@shardofsun) was very thorough with all of her lore, going so far as to make detailed plans in a notebook of hers. the roleplay extended throughout the other elections as well (if you ignore the third and only through past lifetimes in the fourth) and is still partially going on now!

Q: You’ve been consistently keeping a list of all ‘kinnie’ (content creator imposter) blogs. Which ones stood out to you?

A: i think one of the imposter blogs that stood out most to me was definitely iamdreamwastaken (who eventually moved to tmblrdream) just because they were very interactive and took all the shit we sent them in stride. i also really liked the timedeo imposter despite never watching any of timedeos stuff. just thought they were cool. honourable shoutout to the eret and nihachu imposters too they rocked

Q: What are the biggest blogs you can remember? What was your impression of them?

A: the biggest blogs i can remember are probably gnfkitten [braveboyhalo] back when cat was the only one on the blog, adhddream, hearty-an0n(maybe not a Big one?? but very active and in a Lot of peoples inboxes from what i saw) and wooteena. there are definitely more urls i remember like georgeeehd (i think?) and wormweeb but i dont think i followed georgeeehd and i cant remember a whole lot of wormweebs stuff apart from the infertility post so i cant accurately answer for them ^^; wooteena was an acquaintance of mine; we didnt talk a whole lot but we were mutuals for a while. they were always pretty chill, despite the fact there were people out there shipping them with a friend of theirs?? ive always had huge respect for them just because they had the energy to deal with shit like that. i was friends with gnfkitten and hearty-an0n, at the very least in a 'wave at each other on the street' way, and i have really fond memories of the both of them :] hearty is still active, they post about sports these days from what i see on my dash, but im not sure if cat is despite gnfkitten being active as a group blog. adhddream always seemed really cool! my memory of their blog isnt super clear but i know i really liked seeing them on my dash back in the day. since this is tumblr i have no way of knowing if any of these people were actually Big Blogs but it definitely seemed like they were to me at the time haha

Q: What was the most insane piece of fandom drama you can remember from early MCYTblr? Did you participate?

A: i dont actually remember a whole lot of fandom drama from that time honestly. i tended to stay in my bubble of mutuals and other people i followed so it rarely ever crossed my dash. i was like ,, 15-16 at the time so fandom drama stressed me wayyyyy out, i tried my best to avoid it. the only stuff i can really remember at all was people fighting about whether or not it was okay to ship the characters from the dream smp and if shipping the characters was the same as shipping the players, but i never participated in any of the discourse from what i can recall

Q: Is there anything else you want to mention or that you want to be written down and remembered?

A: nope! though im happy to clarify on anything stated here if needed or answer any other questions that may arise :]

[particular-one]

HIIIIHIII Could i request a matchup .....? Enstars, twst and hypmic pls ...!!!

name is kitten or 🐏 emoji! i preferably dont use pronouns but she/her it/its are ok. i have no romantic preference in terms of fictional characters hahaaa.

my mbti is INTP, tho i tend to be the most "extroverted" one if placed in a room with other introverts. im also a 8w9 + virgo if that helps. also AB blood type though i dont see many people who believe in that stuff on here.

uhmmmm my personality. im pretty sociable for an introvert, but can get burnt out super quickly IRL (but i can talk for hours over text). due to the autism i cant express myself IRL but i make up for it a lot through the internet by being uhhh a real character online.

im like a bimbo with autistm and ADHD basically, airheaded cutesy girly, bad at filtering myself so i can definitely be rude/mean asf .. super bad attention span.. always with a friend. i Can like get carried away and get very mean to people im not friends with. overall im very temperamental and ive always been like "pretty girl but comes off rude/fake but shes also the class clown kinda". since humor just comes naturally to me kinda.

hobbies include: arts (drawing, making art dolls, sewing, designing outfits/costumes, fashion, ect). i used to do dancing and track running but had to stop due to health complications (im super low energy and cant be as active as most ppl). I LOVE idols so much too.

What i look in a partnerrr?? Uhh nobody shorted than me (162cm) just cuz i cant see them romantically no matter how hard i try. anything is ok honestly as long as I can talk to them for ages and theyre not too loud/chaotic. overall want someone to be as equally as down bad as i am with them for me (if not more haha)

misc ... uhh my favorite love language is acts of service. i dont have to force myself to do anything i struggle with like putting thoughts into words or trying to act affectionate (tho i do get cuteness aggression). i love recieving words of affirmation lmao i need the reminding that they do love me !!!!.

i lovee cats, BOBA i kind of have an addiction to it. cute stuff cute ppl ect... i dont rlly like public affection (its cringe asf seeing couples act lovey dovey in public Sory Im not doing that).

I WROTE SO MUCH SORRY i didnt even notice Please forgive me. uhh last bit of trivia umm. if i were half-animal id have bunny ears and a tail... or id be a deer. THATS IT OK SORRY.

hi kitten! rrararararraa a hypmic AND enstars request?? im so excited :> and don't worry about rambling, it gives me a better idea on who i can match you with! hope you like them!

ENSEMBLE STARS ---- SHU ITSUKI

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ shu's first meeting with you was not actually the first time he's seen you. your handiwork with fashion had piqued his interest for the longest time, but he never actually knew that it was you behind those pieces. so imagine his surprise when he finds out that the genius behind the designs was in fact, you! though shu came off as fussy at first, especially since he wanted to get close to you to observe how you perfected your designs, he gradually found himself enjoying your company more and more. when he finds out about your interest in idols, this amuses him greatly, considering he is one. he'd be the last to admit he likes you, but his behavior ends up changing for the better when he's around you. as a partner, shu can be a bit extravagant with the way he shows love, but he always remembers to keep it in private to respect your preference. he's a perfectionist, so he likes to plan out your activities together down to the tiniest detail, but that's because he wants you to have the best time. shu can be rather straightforward with his words as he doesn't beat around the bush — he doesn't have a filter at times either — but everything he says about you, he truly means them. shu likes admiring you while you're busy at work (he says he's doing it because he wants to see how you do things but secretly it's because he likes watching you do something you're passionate about) but there are days where the both of you would be in the same room working on your respective designs together! he asks for your inputs and vice versa, it's usually the most fun he has.

TWISTED WONDERLAND ---- JAMIL VIPER

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ jamil was not your biggest fan when you first met — if he were being honest, you almost reminded him of kalim, and having another kalim was never good. still, you often get paired in tasks together that he had to get to know you eventually, and was he wrong about not liking you. though it took him quite a while to warm up to the idea of being in your company, he actually found himself looking forward to talking with you. surprise surprise, jamil's definitely the type of "he fell harder" in this situation. as a partner, jamil is most definitely not the publicly affectionate type. though it might seem he's keeping your relationship lowkey, it's mainly because he didn't want people (read: kalim) to make the biggest fuss about it. though he doesn't take you out that often, he's very loving and caring in private. though jamil never enjoyed the idea of serving someone, with you it was different. he'd find himself enjoying to cook your favorite food, help you out in your tasks without a word, and to make you feel as comfortable as possible. character development for him, tbh. when you tell him of your craving for boba, watch this man continuously try and succeed to making boba tea tailored to your preference.

HYPNOSIS MIC ---- NEMU AOHITSUGI

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ nemu actually met you through a chance encounter in a mock rap battle during the tdd era as audience members. it was your personality that drew her in, but she was actually surprised by how blunt you were, but if she were being honest, your humor makes her laugh a lot. your relationship means the world to her, especially since she made sure that samatoki didn't interfere as much as possible. she loves her brother, but he can get carried away when it comes to her. nemu's definitely the one who ended up liking you first, but she's unsure on how to express this to you. as a partner, nemu is very, very sweet. she's scared of messing anything up, so she carefully plans everything in advance. when she finds out that you like cats, she actually comes forward with the idea of adopting a cat together with you! it became your bonding activity, with two of nemu's favorites in the entire world: the cat and of course, you. she has your favorite boba order/s memorized and likes to surprise you with getting some. nemu's the encouraging type, so expect a lot of comforting words from her. she's also the type who likes bringing you out to shop, whether it's for your art materials or for clothes, nemu likes hearing your inputs on the items you buy (or consider buying) and takes note of them so she can surprise you with them in the future.

[official-sovietunion]

Yesterday was trans day of visibility. I want to write this post here bc it is the only account online where i feel comfortable doing so. I dont use this account anymore, but when i did, i was very vocal about being trans.

I was vocal about being trans everywhere. I was, and still am, proud of my transness, and dedicated to fighting for myself and my trans siblings. I was also pre-medical transition, and despite feeling i looked very masculine, existing in the world meant outing myself every single day.

It is exhausting. It is exhausting to constantly be fighting and correcting and telling not only strangers but people ive known for years. I did not know there would ever be another option for me, so i accepted this and fought and made damn sure my voice as a trans person was heard. It is also exhausting to be homeless and stealth for safety reasons, knowing you have nowhere to run to, knowing that any sign of queerness could be the end of your life, knowing you must constantly hide and choose your words carefully to not gibe anything away.

Shortly before starting hormones, i experimented with being stealth in a particular online community that is known for its edginess and tendency to attract bigoted people (there is also a large amount of queer people in this community and we've managed to shift the userbase over the years to be more inclusive).

I made this decision because of the interactions i would have with some members that were sometimes s3xual, as well as interactions i had on dating apps. I had sent some nudes with a packer to cis men on grindr without really meaning to pass it off as my natal organs, but they assumed i was cis. That was the first time i realized i might be able to 'pass' in this capacity.

I knew that many of the cis people there, if they knew i had certain parts, would never fully think of me as a man. I just wanted people to imagine me with a penis regardless. Did being stealth in this community work? Not exactly. A lot of people made it clear they knew i was trans and would harass and ask me invasive questions, but i was adamant in never admitting my transness to them. We dont owe cis people anything.

Shortly after this i became homeless, following my 18th birthday. from that point on i have been 100% stealth until i find out someone else is trans too, i will tell them in private. At first i was getting misgendered still, but i would act confused like 'you thought i was a girl? How wacky and unusual for me! Haha!' This seemed to work pretty well and after a couple years on hormones i passed pretty much 100% of the time.

A lot of trans people read me as cis. This was comforting, briefly, since if even another trans person couldnt tell, a cis person definitely wouldnt be able to. But i hate it. I hate to think that any trans person has to wonder if they can be themselves around me, if they can trust me. Its interesting also to see the way cis people will talk to me about trans people, not realizing im "one of them"

I feel like i am betraying part of myself. I feel like i am betraying the whole trans community. I want to fight and be vocal again. I want to actually be open about my gender identity. I tell people i am a man because it makes things easier. Because it is safer. Because of all the people who just continued to call me a girl and said i had to pick a gender. I dont have to pick a gender. Gender isnt real to me. I will present the way i want to present.

As i get closer to bottom surgery, i feel much more confident that i will be able to be more vocal about transness. I dont know what i will tell people about my gender identity. I dont really want to have to have a gender identity at all. I have experienced far too much ego death to be connected to any concept of identity that goes any further than a preformance. I just dont want people to know my AGAB. i want them to see me as someone who has always had a penis, even if it was only in my mind for much of my life. What i really want is for people who have no business in my pants to stop thinking so hard about whats down there.

I want to balance being able to maintain my privacy while not feeling i hafta hide myself. I want to balance being able to feel safe with my activism. So many people dont have the priveldge to hide. I was one of those people once. I dont want to hide, its more important than ever that trans youth see people that look like them. This isnt something that will come easily, with everything happening politically. And aside from that, untill theres not a single transphobe left in the world, i dont think ill ever feel completely safe as an openly trans person on the street. But im working towards… something. Like everything, itll be a transition.

Im tired of my identity, my existence, being so intertwined and influenced by violence, biogtry, capitalism. If it werent for the way cis people treat us, if it werent for the way this society works that keeps us poor and refuses us housing, i wouldnt hafta worry about any of this. I would be loudly and joyously trans. I dont know if ill ever be able to get to that point, bc its not even really up to me. But if i am willing to speak up and fight, i can help make changes that will make it possible not just for me but for everyone.

[infiniteorbits]

despite; in spite

my throat hurts and i don't think it'll ever stop.

i throw a few more socks in my sisters laundry pile. i don’t know which ones are mine, yet i keep taking and taking hers. i’ll give her a few more just in case, and maybe she’ll be okay.

i think about how i could die tonight how i could really do it and kill myself and my families last memory of me would be yelling at me for not putting away the laundry. ‘was that what set her off? what was going on her in mind? were there signs i didn’t see?’ i don’t think i’m gonna do it, but i don’t really have a reason why.

i search for a roommate on instagram. they all feel too weird or too cool or too abstract to even think about as a real person. i wonder if i’ll even be friends with these people next year, if these little conversations will one day be linked to faces in my life. faces that mean something

i watch blade runner and think about how i told someone i had seen the movie and really hadnt. i posted about that on my private story. a girl too cool to be my friend swipes up and laughs

whenever i swallow or breath in a certain way i can still taste the sick on my tongue.

its been two weeks since i thought i was going to die, two weeks since i sucked a random man’s dick and didn’t really cry, its been a few days since i swiped up on his story and hoped he’d decide to like me again. a few days since i decided i really had to move on. one day since i sent a text ending a hookup to which he called me by my last name like one of the coaches does at my school. he called me a “cool person.” i don’t know what that means. he responded in 2 minutes after i hadn’t responded for a day. i don’t know what that means either.

i haven’t had my period since november. i haven’t looked skinny since freshman year. i wear eyeliner and mascara so often that the gunk from my eyes has turned black. i think about people who don’t exist and people i will never meet doing things that don’t affect me too much. i don’t know if anyone will ever really find me pretty, or only think i’m pretty because they love me. i don’t know whether the last part is a good thing or a bad thing. does it count if its just because they love me? if they have worked all the way up to love for me, they can call me whatever they want. if they love me and i somehow believe them, i think i’ll believe everything else they say about me too. i hope its just good things.

i don’t know if i could ever do having my heart broken. i met a guy once and we truly only had one good date, the others were just hookups but he made me feel so real, so teenager. he held me and let me look at the stars, he tucked my hair behind my ear and almost held my hand when we were kissing. as i was sitting on his lap, straddling him, my bra off, he said i intimidated him the first time we hung out. i sobbed over him and made playlists and wrote about him and regained and lost my self worth. i had to learn the hard way that people can do things that are so sweet and nice and not mean it. i’d like to still believe he did. i think i could be fine now. i don’t know how i could live if i lost the real thing. i dont know how someone can love someone so much then be nothing to them at all. i wish i wasn’t nothing to you. i wish i wasn’t nothing to the people i love.

im writing this on my bed. i’m writing this on my toilet. i’m writing this at 1 am. i’m writing this as a senior. i’m writing this as a child. i thought about how you spend your whole life growing and then one day you just stop. i wonder if you feel it. i wonder what its like when the change is the stop.

i wonder if my friends notice when i cut them off. if they talked about how they were all removed from the private parts of my life. i wonder if they were glad or confused or whether they cared at all. V seems to hate me. i miss when he cared about me. i liked being his wingwoman and having a secret little mission just for the two of us. i wish he liked me enough that we could talk about how they’re together now and he’d half jokingly thank me. i wish i could say it was an honor to be help him and make a little joke. i wish it wasn’t weird to tell people how much they mean to you even if they aren’t really a part of your life. i liked our little conversations, i liked when we locked eyes in class whenever someone said something stupid, though i could never really tell if you meant to be looking at me because i don’t know why’d you do that, i’m sorry if i came off as condescending and thought i was better or smarter than you. i don’t think that. i hope i can find more people like you in the world if you can’t stick around.

despite it all, i still have hope. i have hope that the people i once loved will come back again. i have hope that it’ll all be okay. it’s dumb and irrational to think they’ll come back, and i know this hope only hurts me. but i hope. i hope that this hope is real, that i will look back and know that my hopes were right and good and led me to goodness. i hope that if i cannot have you in my life, that i can find the good parts of you in the people who are. i hope the people who come into my life remind me of you and who we once were. i hope you hope for me too.

[eggsmuses-a]

30! And/or maybe 27?

munday talky talk (friday edition) / accepting

30. your choice !

i never thought i'd become selective with certain rpcs or even have trouble with them, yet here we are

i'm not really gonna be (or try not to be) negative or nothing but it genuinely surprises me that i would have problems with a community (especially since i was so convinced rp would be smooth sailing since im pretty casual). that might just be the price that comes with multifandom multis though, you get dirt and problems you otherwise would have never encountered if youd been single JVSJSV

another thing about being multi is that its really upsetting when i am fixated on a specific fandom and its muses and im expected to have high muse for my other fandoms during that fixation (especially request muses). a word of advice: muse does not work that way. i work on what im motivated for, which is why some threads will take a long time to get responses to. which is why i gave precautions on muses that are set to tertiary and request; i cant guarantee they will be active

if people have problems with that, so be it, but id really appreciate if both my confidence and motivation in a portrayal was respected. just something ive noticed in the rpc

im just not gonna give people the time of day if they cant respect i am human and cant operate to the same standard all day every day and not equally to all my characters

27. an old muse

i miss my first rp blog a lot if i havent made it clear LMAO

fn.af rpc era during security breach was fun, and i enjoyed portraying roxy a lot but the usual story happened. bigger, better blogs that had more detail to how they looked etc and that was it

i left bc it was just too much, especially when i was being shun and treated as lesser for seemingly being behind

id love to write fn.af again, ive been wanting to put michael here on my blog again because he was a muse i was passionate about and wanted to share my interpretation on a lot but theres something thats holding me back, and i just dont wanna go back tbh

i miss the sense of community from the time i wrote roxy and the feeling of the times, but i just dont think i could slot myself back into the rpc again. who knows bc i might make a private mutuals-only blog for old muses id love to write again LMAO but yknow, thats it. will forever love how it was though

[stars-tonight]

Hey. After stalking around for a bit, I've settled with the fact that your matchups are quite impressive and very fun to read, so here I go (please, do take your time there is no rush)

I would like to request a long romantic matchup with a character of any gender.

I'm cis fem and go by she/her pronouns :)

My mind really went blank on this one. Imo as long as a connection is there they become your ideal type. But if i had to; an ideal partner is someone who I ultimately get along with, but overall someone who I can be direct with and not too sensitive. I.e. someone who can take criticism (which I also expect) as I am a blunt person. Someone who pushes me to try harder or do better and themselves is a person who keeps trying (whether its in a encouraging way or a competitive/challenging way). Definitely wouldnt mind someone who partakes in shit-talking activities (its how true connections are born: mutual hatred). As a private and closed off introvert I'm not frequently approached and have been told I look intimidating to people who dont know me, so preferably someone who isnt put off by that, but otherwise no prefrence on the introvert/extrovert spectrum.

As for myself I would say I am reserved and picky who I associate with, in a sense that I will not push myself to make connections that just dont work out. I'd prefer to have few people that I actually like and get along great with, than to force myself to be out with people I frankly dont care much about and dont get along with. This traverses to other areas of my life; if I dont deem something worthy of trying hard for, I wont pay it too much detail. However for things I do care about, I put a great deal of effort and detail into. Stubbornly so. It takes me a while to open up and feel comfortable with new faces, but once I do all hell breaks loose and there is no telling how straight up goofy things will get. I'm pretty grounded and prefer to always try to be prepared for anything (I'm quite a passive person and not one to take charge, but I hate not knowing things and being kept in the dark), so I always end up being the mom of the group and keeping them in check (i have a compulsive need to put others before me). I'd say most of the time I'm pretty chill, but I am stern with my friends when needed. Im not one to voice my opinions (and I have a lot of them) but I'm also not very subtle about disliking something, and overall am more of a listener.

My main hobbies are making food, sketching and listening to music. It is unreal how every situation I can grab I got my earphones in and jamming already. I loooove movies (horror esp) and a usual hangout is making food with my friends and watching movies and making our stupid own commentary. I'm def up for experimenting with different flavours and cuisines, and have a giant sweet tooth so any chance I get I'm cooking smth up (haha get it); its honestly relaxing to just go on autopilot and make the food.

My main love languages would be quality time and acts of service (giving), and words of affirmation and physical touch, whether its only in private or public (receiving).

Hmmm as for other things, I LOVE scaring the shit out of anyone I can. And I mean a classic waiting out and jumping them prank. Overall I'm pretty quiet, and since I'm quite on the short and tiny side I'm basically a ghost and people dont really notice me. I'm talking waiting out in the dark and showing up in the background until they figure it out. Always puts a smile on my face. I've seen others put their zodiac here so if it means anything to you I'm a taurus sun, aqua moon and scorpio rising(?).

Another fave pass time is having heated debates about the dumbest things. And I will be in the right. I'm quite the dont ask dont tell kind of person, and I tend to keep things to myself (the good and the bad) and I always try to do things by myself (phsyical stuff and resolving my own problems). If it will help put things into perspective a little bit I'm def one for the alternative style, I wear my hair short and shaggy (rn its dyed red) and am switching between masc and fem styles (clothes and beauty trends are not gendered and I will die on this hill). And to finish things off a fun fact about me: my favorite animated movie of all time is Coraline and I was like 9 when I watched it. For a period of time afyer watching it I would draw the little door on any free wall of the house (alongside button eyes and for some reason an egg in a frying pan).

Again thank you so much and enjoy your day

-🗝 anon

headcanons

🥛 sakusa's pretty blunt himself

🥛 i don't imagine he gets offended easily

🥛 so he can take criticism and will give criticism

🥛 his pride is lowkey his downfall

🥛 when he finds a weakness in his play, for example, he works overtime to make up for it

🥛 he sets really high standards for himself and throws his whole soul into everything he does

🥛 his determination and work ethic serves as inspiration to those around him -- including you

🥛 he does make fun of his teammates (*cough cough atsumu*) quite a lot though

🥛 would not be opposed to making fun of you

🥛 especially about your height

🥛 a relationship between the two of you would probably often be filled with comfortable silence

🥛 he'd probably ask you for your favorite songs

🥛 then he'd put on a pair of headphones while in public and walk around listening to them

🥛 this way he also gets to avoid people -- win-win situation

🥛 i don't imagine he'd watch a lot of movies but if you ever watched a horror movie together he'd just be there like 🤨🗿

🥛 like some characters will act cool while they're actually terrified

🥛 i doubt sakusa is actually terrified

🥛 doesn't understand the appeal of horror movies but will willingly watch them with you

🥛 when you try to scare him, the most you'll get is probably a little jump and an annoyed "oi"

🥛 going back to the point about making fun of your height, he'll turn this little prank against you so fast

🥛 "the only reason this little prank of yours scares people is because you're so short they can't see you"

🥛 i'm also drawing a blank on sakusa's receiving love language

🥛 i feel like he'd appreciate anything you do for him

🥛 it's probably something like acts of service

🥛 especially if it's something to do with cleaning

🥛 it just shows that you respect his dislike of germs

🥛 sakusa's giving love language is DEFINITELY physical touch

🥛 like he recoils whenever someone gets near

🥛 and even when he touches you, it's probably just a light touch

🥛 linked pinkies or a quick ruffle of your hair

🥛 but it's enough to show you he loves you

🥛 because he doesn't touch anyone he doesn't care strongly about

🥛 i headcanon his hands are cold (so hopefully you're okay with that lol)

🥛 doesn't say "i love you" often but when he does it's simple and genuine

runner up for you was ushijima wakatoshi!

A/N: there you go 🗝️anon, i hope you liked it and it lived up to your expectations!

[angelicpersonals]

Keeping up with friends

I don't do Every day talking unless you are VERY specific friends I have known for literal years. And thats only because I know they will give me breathing room, respectful if I dont respond snappy and am slow, are interested in what im up to rather than being like "yo heres some memes" so we can talk about smth im currently into. I dont mind the random meme dumps dont get me wrong. By all means go ahead. I will do it or video dumps back to let you know im thinking of you. But dont get mad if I dont have much to say.

If you want to chat, come to me with a topic. Just like if I want to chat I come to you. Now I will be more likely to chat in a GROUP than one on one because I might want to talk about the same topic with multiple people. I dont DO individual DMs very often. even those I talk to every day are in mini group dms. Individual dms are for privacy in case of emergency or for those who despise groups.

It takes a LOT of spoons, a lot of energy to keep up multiple private chats and I need people to understand that.

I have so much going on in my life, so many people and situations to deal with, so many creative projects on my plate. That I only have maybe 3 - 5 days per month where im free to interact with friends. I have 52 friends at this point. Do you see the problem here? Individual DMs / chats are not feasible when I have this much to manage.

"But you're on xyz game" I multi task, if im on a game its literally to manage my sanity. I garuntee you that its mostly just sitting in the background looking pretty rather than being played unless im eating at the same time taking a food break.

"But you are posting screenshots of-" Yes, but that can be screenshots from those small peaceful moments of the day, previous days, or I've shut down and finally taken a break bc I got too stressed. "But if you can play games why not talk to me instead" Listen, I dont want to be a b*tch but let me be blunt an honest

Chatting stresses me out, people stress me out, it expends energy to chat. More so if I have other things on my plate at the time. Im not trying to be rude or ignore you. However I live with 3 people who watch everything I do constantly and are always trying to interact with me. I have 0 privacy, rarely have time to myself because when its not my family. its my friends because I have to micromanage so much in my life and have responsibilities piled on my shoulders a mile high.

"but you dont work / are disabled" I'm aware of that. However I have to help take care of my older siblings. I have to take care of my friends, I have to deal with every friend fight or emergency. All the while dealing with anxiety and depression of my own on a daily basis. Feeling lonely and isolated which im sorry simping over astarions a** with you does not fill that void. So before im asked no chatting online will not help with that when im surrounded by stress. responsibilities and a lack of affection IRL. I am literally an unpaid faux therapist and unpaid replacement mother for almost all my friends and for my own family. Yet im the youngest. and all of this is while I have to manage deal with and dodge around PTSD triggers and even epilepsy triggers every day and deal with chronic pains and illnesses. I'm not trying to be a b*tch but reality is. if you want an always there for fun times readily available friend.

Im not for you. I can't be, my circumstances and body literally will not allow me to be. I will be there for an emergency or issue in a heartbeat don't get me wrong. But I might only talk to most people once a month unless we're in group chats.

[sehunniepotwrites]

HAAAAAAAI i'm so glad i could bring a smile to your face in your day through my messages heheheheh ☺️ how was your day today!!!

omg is this telepathy or what! i was just considering and thinking of whether i wanted to pursue a masters after finishing up my undergrad degree studies!! hehe what's your masters in if it's not too private to ask 🫢 i was just thinking of doing masters because of my current timeline!! it's rly rly tuff to find a job here after graduating because the mkt is currently just kinda meh :/ so i was just wondering if perhaps going for masters would put me in a better spot!! but then again masters is something i can decide at a later time so rn im just gathering opinions from ppl who have taken it! wbu!! do u have any thoughts or opinions? :")

OMGGGGGG have i mentioned im a SUCKER for childhood besties concepts cuz that's just so so so cute 🥹🥹 I LOVE IT I CANT WAIT!!!! 😍 and my goodness how r u alw so creative w your ideas??? iM so unimaginative that like stories alw amaze me 🫢 hehehehe and HELLO wdym u have a life like a fic odnfoenfoke THATS SO COOL AND SWEET N LOVELY gosh i'd WISH i had like one thing from a fic ever happen to me 🥰🥰🥰🥰

AHHHH im so glad u could meet your friends and hang out together!! wish u had as much fun as u possibly could!! hehehehe how nice would it be if we could always be hanging out w our besties and just spending time together 🥺 hope you guys r meeting again soon!!! sounds rly rly fun to karaoke together it's been so so long for me to both karaoke and meet my friends cuz literally everyone im close to or care about is on exchange this semester :/

which brings me to my never ending rant of how despresso espresso i am this semester >< it's a rly tuff time in my life rn cuz im trying to navigate and find an internship that matches both my interest and my degree cuz it is a graduation requirement for me 🤡 i guess im at least getting somewhere w the search cuz i did have a pretti good offer lately! and im currently just pending the outcome of another role i interviewed for under the same company before making a decision (if i do get offered by the other role too heh) 😊 but then im just rly rly LONELY this semester and im just sad cuz im attending classes and doing everything by myself :/ and i dont have friends arnd locally rn that i could meet and just unwind after a period of stress so its rly draining me a lot on top of my never ending assignments projects and exams 🥲🥲 and yea ldr is so so tough and its so hard to keep my emotions in check because of how big of an overthinker i am so im always just having sleepless nights, constant nightmares and sometimes even sleep paralysis 🥲 i guess im becoming more independent from this whole experience though! forces me to become a whole even without everyone by my side and to continue living and functioning, doing what i should be doing!

i love coming to talk to u and reading all your responses too!! 🩵 m alw looking forward to your replies and your kind words to me hehehehe keeps me going!!!

love, 🍑

i've spent the weekend in bed becuase i'm sick again! i binged s2 of the summer i turned pretty and i cried a whole bunch. i love how they really took the angsty route this season--really showed how diff people deal with grief! probs gonna call out tomorrow because i've been sneezing like crazy and my voice is lowkey gone ;; i think i'm gonna try to get some writing done and post a teaser for a story that may never be completed but it's too good to just stay in my drafts!!

oh sure, i have my masters in education. i went thru a one year ma program with a teacher's cred tied into it too. my program was unique in that they condensed a two year prog into one accelerated and it was the toughest year of my life tbh. working full time as a teacher and going to school full time for basically two degrees was tough.

i love all my ideas but i haven't been able to finish them!!! i really want to get them out to the world bc theyre too good to sit in my drafts but it's so incomplete!! the one i am thinking about posting can be a standalone because its such an open-ended ending but there's still WAY more planned for it.

if you have time, playing games together online is a good way to keep in contact. we played pictionary on a website and it was super fun during the pandemic a lot!

it looks like youre slowly getting your ducks in a row for the internship despite the stress! but i see how missing your so and friends can affect your mood. feeling alone is never the best feeling and i totally see where you are coming from. but look at you, you're already looking at the positives out of your stressful situation! that's so great! you can only go up from here, you know? and listen, this is something i always tell my students, each person has their own timeline--their own time to make mistakes, to figure out what they want or need, etc. you may take longer than others but you don't need to worry about others. worry about you and focus on the things you can do for yourself to make you better. and if you make a mistake, that's just a lesson you can take. it's all about your growth mindset!

love u lots!!!

[sirenofthegreenbanks]

8 and 17 of the weird writers questions!

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go?

my secret super weapon is that im incredibly good at rambling!!! monologues and internal narrations are my forte! and i love stories that tell things a little bit different that your usual conventional story. assuming by „no-action“ this question is talking about characters (choice of) action, not physical combat, basically anything that is not internal narrative, i would choose this if i wanted to challenge myself a bit. in the end, it is a little difficult to string a whole, cohesive story together that is not boring without characters doing smth tangible. i would choose no-dialogue if i wanted to explore dreamy, whismical, introspective storytelling (which i love!!!!) like in fairytales. the fairytales i grew up with have very or even no dialogue, and instead rhymes and poetic prose. both are good!

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text

im not going to talk about the details of the WIP itself. i feel these things are very private, its not yet published and i want to keep it close to my chest a little longer. but im going to talk about what it means to me, writing this WIP.

so, basically, my family has a very personal relationship with dictatorship, propaganda, freedom of speech (and thought), silence (and the violence therein), unresolved trauma, and war. thus, im having lots of feelings for tyk that are stemming directly from this. my dad (not my real dad, but more a real dad than my actual dad) was a prisoner of war and a revolutionary, and we have reason to believe he still worked in the underground network even after his escape from the regime. my parents (all three, including my actual dad) are immigrants and refugees, my grandparents escaped the regime when it was still active, my grandpa experienced smth very similar to what zhang zhehan is going through, only as an official government-statuated example and without social media terror and identity fraud. as someone who grew up in the so called "nachwende" (after the fall of the berlin wall) generation, i can only imagine what it must have been like. tyk, to me, speaks about many of these things, and doing it in such a way i can stomach (but barely!!!). as a novel from a mainland chinese author, it was created in the context of censorship in a country that is keeping its citizen under tight wraps in a state of intentional illusion, dependence, anxiety, and normalized constant surveillance. here, too, i can only try to imagine what it must be like. now, it is debatable how much of what priest does (in both tyk and qiye) can be counted as "regime resitant" beyond the fact that its danmei, and i wouldnt be the right person to answer this question either; everything i know is researched, rather than lived. but i do think it has merit (is important, even) to be conscious of the wider context the text was created in, to be aware of it, as a fic writer. i know many fics rather "escape" and focus on positive things. i dont condemn not being political, everyone can do as they like. but unfortunately, im not like them. (im different. im other. do u see this stupid hat?)

not all my WIPs are like this (fortunately!!! i do need to relax!!!!) but this one is. im pretty sure its the love child of my own family's frustrating habit of not talking about the things that are important (i recently learned my grandma grew up door-to-door with a KZ, in the sense of "seeing KZ-prisoners bypassing her garden in a long trail" as a regular day-to-day occurence, and she never mentioned it ever, and i only learned of it because my grandpa shared it off-handedly but was immediately hushed back into silence), and my own habit of not talking about stuff i should talk about, probs. sometimes feelings are too big! experienes are too heavy! and ive always been better at finding answers in stories than in real life. so. this WIP!

im sorry, thats probably not the answer u thought u would get when seleccting this question! thank you for dropping into my inbox though <3 i still have your other ask and im staring at it everytime i open my inbox, feeling extremely guilty and happy at the same time

ask me weird writers questions!

[brandonwayneb]

Debra Bend Air

DEBATE BRANDON AS HEIR

Crash Nebula, NEW BUILD LA

Galaxy Launcher, LAWN CHAIR

Barbie & Ken

Airport Express

Project Rainbow TreeHouse

Family Tapestry

BRIANNA & CAMERON

Debra Bend Air

Elephant Fancy

C'mon white powers,

hurry hurry!

dont forget to play BOTH,

hero and villain,

Oh, if you can play Dirty Doctor, Copy Cat Cop, AND private child molester hunter

those are the 3 favorite white roles i enjoy watching whites lie about,

hey! its the same guys!

hey guys!

Yup! Its the guys who love that Vanilla, and those Parrot Party Poppers LOL

so fucking nasty!!

white america! woohoo!

sarcasm!

just pretend to be a little girl, and talk to white money only...

the guys come rushing out,

the moment you switch ur little girl voices, for dominant vanilla

if I pretend to be a VANILLA RAINBOW PARROT READY TO POP AND PISS LITTLE CHILDREN..

you guys get so hungry and hot,

hmmmmmm whats the rush guys?

hmmmmm whats the hush guys?

Rush rush rush,

and hush hush hush

funny!

you can puppet master white teams,

just by pretending to be a scared victim... funny how their speed increases, the tighter you make the "rainbow parrot" comments

white money is fun! right?

white silver labs is fun! right?

white white white white white white

hmmm.... I notice a theme in these "child molester" and "sky pizza" themes....

white teams have to answer first right?

or they play Ping Pong, and Paddle Board lol

WAKE BOARD!

Lets talk about how america likes my little voice saying OH PLEASE STOP!!

the tighter i scream stop,

the closer white teams want in

Im just genuinely curious

does justice come in different colors?

LOL

Rainbow Parrot Pop Parties

Strawberry Vanilla pretended screams of little girls trying to piss daddys silver fire

dirty white guys are so easy to turn on... specially if you cross reference money... and secrets...

ooooh this is where it gets REALLY fun!

the more money,

the more reasons to lie!

oooooooo this is fun fun fun,

i hope nobody tried to criminalize my strawberry sundays lol

Oh gee, i hope their not white....

LOL

gaaaaaarrrrrbaaaaaaaaaayge

Oh no! Watch Out!

I know how to make my voice extra extra special for whites who listened for too long...

being extorted in america!

yay! fun! right?

if you havent noticed,

i speak sarcasm,

except the only thing thats not sarcastic,

is how much these white guys want to touch anything that says VANILLA

whisper is really smoothly

vaaaaaaaaaynnnnnannnnaaalaaa

whisper Rainbow Skittles really tightly in ur pretend to Piss...

and appears these white guys have a difficult time distinguishing between protecting their Dick, their Ass, or their Lies...

hmmm... Rainbow Parrot Party!

hmmm.... a gay guy who can scream like a little girl....

hmmm white guys who cant get enough...

Anyone Hungry?

If I see a white guy,

My first & only question,

HOW HUNGRY ARE YOU?

And I want to know about ALLLLLLL the sexual details first

Nah, I dont care too much for the sign languages, or the "ops" or "co signs"

I'd rather talk about what happens whenever I make myself Tight like a little girl, while I know ur nasty asses are listening

Yah, thats the conversation

Yah, thats the 24/7

lets talk white money

lets talk white power

Now Anyone Hungry?

Now Anyone Like Rainbows?

Now Anyone Like Piss?

Now Anyone Like Tight Voices?

Its pretty easy to see,

theres tons of corrupt WHITE parties, purposely listening to my lifes work...

all because i caught a ton of mother fuckers in human trafficking,

and these rich "telepathy" talks, cant be believed, or poor poor white guys get exposed....

awww...

lets get creative,

so next time I scream like a girl whos blowing her entire vagina out,

can you at least compliment me before you rush covering up, ur already covered role

lol.... pretend you've been an agent for years.... and ur still talking to the same fucking gay guy!

LOL some of these same guys have told me so many lies!

and they act like they can change their face and come right back lol

Ur still the same nasty mother fuckers!

ur exploiting my psy languages,

and Im purposely talking about tight pussys popping, just to see ur white asses call on the club...

and once your little club of white money comes up...

i snake every single one of you with ETERNITY

because Im not here to only be a victim,

Im here to be a victor..

you were busy playing Hero & Villian... while I played OH NO!! DONT HURT ME AGAIN DADDY!

Oh no! My Parrot Skittles might pop

Uh Oh! I hope you guys didnt lose track of the teams required in maintaining ur lies lol...

No worries,

if i lose track of you guys,

all I have to do, is make a few screams that say OH NO! DONT POP MY VANILLA AGAIN!

and u white guys come back...

if i want you back faster,

I whisper Secrets about White Money first

If i want you to move faster

If i want you to 'come get it' faster

I first make sure I cross reference WHITE MONEY,

hmmm... how did that Vanilla shop gain so much momentum...

OH NO! DONT TOUCH ME DADDY!

OH NO! MY PSY LANGUAGE!

OH NO! NOT WHITE TEAM PLAY!

lol

seriously so fucking shameful and disgusting this many White guys are getting away with all this,

just because I have too much sarcasm and endless sadistic jokes about nasty fucking white people

I will NEVER bed with you,

but if we talk Whips & Chains,

and Vanilla Parrots...

you guys will act like I've completely lost control of the dog pile of slanders you guys run...

Oh dog piles!

I love dog piles!

Wow! All white too!

Wow! How are the citizens so lucky?!

Dog piles AND their ALL WHITE!

wow!

If i pretend touch myself, and scream alittle bit,

does ur dick twitch?

how ur ass feel, when i pretend to piss like a little girl?

White guys love to compare their poor spirits to mine...

poor poor child molesters lol,

they didn't start off that way...

That just "evolved" that way LOL

I think maybe theyre listen to my Vanilla too much LOL

thats just a guess tho,

gosh darn... i wish i could prove something... but a global revolution would be too much right?

Eh,

Okay lets go back to screaming in little voices, and begging white guys not to pop up..

Oh no! Please dont pop me Mr.Whites Guy club

oh no! I hope you dont play a reverse theory on me!

Oh no! whos the hero!?

Oh no! whos the villain?!

Oh no! now im a dangerous gay child molester... hmmm... these

lies and accusations get extensive quick... whenever WHITE MONEY is on the line lol

Oh no!!

A gay guy who can double bait

lol

Oh No! Not a pretend voice!

Oh No! Not another excuse to "pop a vanilla"

Uh Oh!

I hope I didnt beat the child molester "ops" ...again.... and again..... and again....

just by calling myself A GAY ANNA

lol BRIANNA & CAMERON!

Hurry ups telepathic listeners

we need more cover stories LOL

white money exposed LOL

god bless the innocent

and say GAAAAARRRBAAAAAAYGE to "white power america"

Power RED+

Power SS+ ANY VILLA

Power to garfield

[mickgaydolenz]

one of my sources for studying degrees in-tangent gives like these little descriptors for each degree to give a visualization as to what that degree can entail. its kind of neat tbh.

but for 3° Cancer, which is what Micky's 4th house Saturn in Cancer is in - and i've already talked a lot about it so we're aware of what it already entails - it gives this description that made me sink to the floor:

"A woman seated in an altitude of grief, her clothes disordered and her hair unkempt, holding some faded flowers in her hands; among the flowers are lilies and roses"

amongst all of that, which i dont think we need to dredge over 'cause it's honestly a bit of a downer to discuss; not ideal to feeling grief on behalf of another person for today. however, because im so cool and epic with a lot of sexy knowledge, i want to discuss the lilies and roses since i am a super sucker for symbolism in all things. it's not necessary but it's what the neurodivergency is commanding me to do and i have no say.

note: both roses and lilies have sooo many different colors and varieties to them that its hard to pin down an all-encompassing symbolic generalization for them. but my sources have tried their best at it and i think it works well.

remember that Saturn slows progress, and always brings difficulties to wherever its placed and in aspect to, so it's overall going to dampen the symbolism of these plants; hence the 'faded flowers', because that's the nature of Saturn's influence.

lilies are known to be recognized as a flower of purity and innocence -- it's a flower of sympathy. it also happens to be associated with the Moon! and i think that's incredibly coincidental considering his Moon opposes his Saturn. so, a whittling away at that purity & innocence due part to his home life, either growing up in or in trying to establish his own, is a possibility. especially since he's been working in the entertainment industry since he was a child. i don't think he ever got to experience that kind of child-like innocence and purity much in life due to that and just became part of him as he got older, quite literally tending to his inner child a lot of the time. lilies also symbolize dignity and honor, in which those things can only be accomplished through hard work, and at times through his life it seemed those things did not come into play throughout his career. his Moon is in Capricorn 10th house; he's always taken his career choices very seriously and emotionally invests himself into it to which, again, can cause problems in the home (as we've discussed before), and could struggle trying to uphold those things at home.

roses are much more recognized for their symbols of love and romance, which is the usual accepted generalization, and i do agree with that too. but roses are also known for its secrecy. the 4th house is already pretty private as it is; double that with his Saturn conjuncting Juno....someone HELP HIM dios mios. roses are associated with Venus, but Juno is pretty much a fine-tuned off-shoot soooo *nervously pulling at collar*. tbqfh "faded" is an understatement for roses here.

and you can combine the two flowers + their meaning and you get a whole fuckin' mess. someone throughout life who lacked discipline in personal relationships because of his rose-tinted glasses. he fucked around AND found out. 🧠💥🤯 (other placements and aspects can back this up too, this ain't just one speculation)

now to tie this all together: 3° Cancer.

other than the one nice thing, "an ear for music", there's also: "dependence on home, possible mother fixation", "strong feelings that over-rule reason and experience", "expects support from home without effort", and "easily influenced by the opposite sex which can cause either injury or disgrace". so, y'know. use context clues for that one.

……..i……..i………i need to throw myself off a bridge…….

[corpsentry]

january: an art retrospective

i did some stuff last month (but it’s a lot of stuff and there’s a photodump + some Serious Fucking Reflection, so it’s all below the cut)

so ok, let’s start with this. here are some heads. each head has a red arrow. that red arrow is what i call the red line of the devil. it’s the slope of the face from the side of the eye to the cheekbone and then down towards the chin. up until like 2 weeks ago, i couldn’t draw it. i couldn’t fucking draw it. i would edit over that part of the face over and over again until i was frustrated and tired and i had a raging homosexual headache and it still never looked right. notice that each head is different. notice that each head looks wrong.

at the start of 2021 i finally admitted to myself, as per the image above, that i was deeply, deeply unhappy with my art. what was the problem? i dunno. but i decided i was going to fix it and i was going to do so via another one scribble a day event wherein for every day of january i would find a photo of a human head, and i would draw it.

january 1st, 2021. i was embarrassed to tweet this even on my private account where like 5 friends and a rock would see it. in retrospect, you can also see all of my bad habits emerging like dicks from a hole in the ground. it’s disproportionate. the brows look flat. the eyes are slanting upwards. the entire drawing looks flat, like this isn’t a 3d person but a caricature of one.

january 2nd, 3rd, 4th:

on the 2nd i decided to start a separate thread for doodles and applied learning. here’s the first set of tests

the rest of the week is kind of uneventful so we’re going to skip those. fast forward to january 11th

this one is especially bad. i am acutely aware, suddenly, that i am not changing anything at all. i’m stressed and miserable about it because i’m still trying to see people as people and trying to draw people that look attractive and proportionate and hot. my friend, leny, reminds me that i need to think about faces in terms of planes. i have a moment. my other friend masha sends me some links to anatomy tutorials. i have another moment.

january 11th. applied sketch

january 13th is when i start the troubleshooting process. the link above drives me mad because i’m pretty happy with the face but then i realize that there’s something very fucking wrong with the shape of the head LOL and then i realize that i’ve never had any idea what the proportion of the face to the rest of the skull is so i grit my teeth and i open a new canvas and i

bald studies. it seemed like the right thing to do. can’t draw heads? ok draw some heads. look at some photographs. i traced each photo but tried to stick to straight lines so that i could replicate the shapes more easily. i broke each face down into shapes. i thought about airplanes

i got really excited. i started doing studies, then applied studies, then stylized studies.

sketches. i’m not sure what’s going on (as always) and it’s very rough, but they look different from the sketches i did on january 2nd. that’s a start

january 16th’s daily study. looks more like a person now. juuuuuust a bit

more applied studies

on the 18th i take a break and go stare at some lips because i don’t understand how the fuck they work. again, i focus on shapes, on volume, on the fact that these things exist in 3d. holy fuck lips exist in 3d. holy fuck we are real

january 19th. i’m working on it.

january 22nd. some sketches + a daily study. it has finally occurred to me that heads can tilt up and down and that things look different accordingly. yes i was not aware of this before. yes i have been drawing for over a decade.

january 23rd. by this point after doing my daily sketch i almost always go back and do an applied study which is basically to say i drew a lot of fucking links. this one looks kind of okay. i’m kind of proud

january 25th. links. trying to make sense of everything i’ve learned

26th, 27th, 28th. daily studies

january 1st. january 31st

The End Of The Photo Dump (dab)

ok NOW i get to talk about what i discovered while studying the shit out of human beings

FIRST OF ALL, there is something precious and magical about drawing shit without the explicit knowledge that you’re going to tweet that shit out to 45 people later. it takes the burden of perception off your shoulders and that does something to you, or at least that’s my theory. i told myself i wouldn’t post any of this stuff until the end of the month (if i wanted to post it at all) and kept everything off my public social media accounts and that meant i could draw ugly as hell without worrying about who would point and laugh, which i absolutely fucking did. a lot of these are fucking trainwrecks. most of these are fucking trainwrecks. why do they look like that?? why??? this doesn’t look like the work of someone who’s allegedly been drawing since they were in kindergarten, does it?????

here’s why: because that person took a huge motherfucking swing at everything they’d ever known about art and spent a month building something new in its place. the abstract explanation is that i grew up on shoujo and weird old anime and my understanding of anatomy was unironically kamichama karin and while i love kamichama karin, when kamichama karin is your rule even if you try to break it, you’re going to end up going nowhere. “you have to know the rules to break them”, yeah? well i didn’t know shit. the abstract explanation is i’ve been miserable about my art for a few years now because i saw other people doing things effortlessly which i couldn’t and instead of going back to the basics, i tried to do what they did (not plagiarism, mind you, i mean i literally tried to copy the red line of the devil i mentioned above because i couldn’t even make that happen) and then i fucking failed.

the simple explanation is this. i had to unlearn everything, and relearn it again (like some kind of new renaissance clown, what the fuck is this?)

take this for example. all my life i’ve drawn faces in the order: eyes, nose, mouth, face shape, head. this works for some people, im aware, but it was something central to how i had always drawn, so i decentralized it. i said fuck you to the old me and changed the order up. now i start with the nose, then the eyes, mouth, the chin line, and the sides of the face. now i force myself to think about the human head as a series of parts interacting with each other instead of a bunch of disparate features which i want to look pretty.

or let’s use this zelda from last year. something about this looked wrong last october, the way something about all of my drawings looked wrong, but i couldn’t pinpoint it for hell the way i couldn’t articulate Any of my feelings about the visual arts. now, looking back, here’s what i see. that nose is sticking out far too much given how she’s not really facing very far away from the camera. that ear at the back shouldn’t be there. her forehead is too big. she doesn’t have a forehead. what the fuck is up with the shape of her head?

so apparently reject modernity embrace tradition has its roots in alt-right terminology and i’m not very horny for the alt-right (you understand), but the spirit survives here. you know sometimes you have to admit that you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing and draw people for 31 days. i’ve spent my whole life drawing stylized people and while again there are artists who have no issue with this, i veered off the track of the Good and the Holy and couldn’t get back on. i had no point of reference because i’d never thought about what an actual human being looks like, so i had no way to fix what i knew in my gut looked wrong but wouldn’t come out better.

this was hard. this was like oikawa tooru swallowing his worthless pride and admitting that ushijima wakatoshi had gotten the best of him for the last time in his high school career, but in haikyuu!! by furudate haruichi oikawa tooru fucks off to argentina and then joins the argentinean national team, and you know what, i think i’ve made it to argentina (not the team just the country). as per the golden rule of dont fucking move until you’re at least two thirds of the way through the month, i only started trying to draw Shit shit on like the 22nd or something, but i was happy with that i created. i am happy with what i’ve done. i’ve posted like 2 things this month that involve people with what i now call ~applied Knowledge~~ and they’re, like, not perfect obviously (perfection is an unattainable ideal), but i’m fucking proud of them. i didn’t spend 5 hours hunched over my laptop adjusting the red line of the devil because it’s not a devil’s line anymore. because i finally sorta get how people work. because i sat down and i said ‘we are not going to fuck with this misery shit anymore’ and then i did that. it’s just a line now.

here are 2 collages tracking my painstakingly carved out progress from january 2nd to february 2nd because i’m a slut for collages

and here’s what i’ve done to my art! the same person drew these but also Not Really! you know! for the first time in a year i don’t immediately hate what i’ve drawn. you know what guys? art is fucking fun. zelda’s forehead doesn’t scare me anymore because i know how foreheads fucking work now, and i don’t know everything, and i’m going to keep troubleshooting stuff as i go (i want to draw a skeleton. like a. i want to draw a goddamn skeleton guys) but i’m honestly and genuinely proud of what i’ve done in the span of a month, and i’m also in disbelief. i started this month-long challenge out as a last ditch effort to make peace with my art because i’ve been tired for a long time and i was ready to kick the bucket on drawing people altogether. i didn’t think anything would happen. nothing’s happened for years. i’ve been miserable for years.

this was the caption for january 1st, 2021. i was super, super fucking embarrassed and it looks like super fucking shit, but you know what, i think i did in fact triumph over the bullshit. surprisingly enough, when you put in consistent effort into something, You Will See Results. didn’t see that coming, did you? i know i didn’t.

this isn’t a success story. it’s a happiness story. i never gave a shit damn about the institute of art or whatever, i was just mad at myself because what i saw in my head didn’t match up with what was on the canvas. and now it’s getting better. now i’m calibrating the compass. now drawing not just backgrounds but also people is exciting to me, and i can stick my links in your face and tell you ‘they hot’. i’m going to keep doing that. i’m going to keep going until i drop off the side of the earth and then spiral towards mars like some kind of fairy, and then i’m going to create something beautiful.

thanks for reading. here’s a pr department link for sticking around until the end

[queercraftingchonk]

Shalibrations polyam chat~

[SECURE_CHANNEL_SR2citapt]

[Encryption: ACTIVE] [x:xx GST 15.22.1063]

Who's active in chat? shalei_stan5ever, archangel, justShep

Inactive: None

shalei_stan5ever_Hey, so, I know we said we'd talk boundaries and wants and all that. Which is good! Important. But, ah...maybe we can just use a private chat for now?

archangel_seconded

justShep_alright, sure. :) assuming Liara keeps her promise that the Normandy crewmates' chats hosted on her encrypted servers aren't just feeding right into her SB inbox

archangel_hi Liara

shalei_stan5ever_keelah she better not! {(>_>)} i don't want other people to know about...this...until i've been wooed properly

archangel_plz don't ask me to go on a pretend blind date w/ u

justShep_hey!

shalei_stan5ever_a regular Bellicus, you are. But no, I don't want that. But it does feel kinda weird, that we jumped straight passed the whole dating part and right into relationship talk

justShep_i'm afraid Garrus and I aren't exactly the paragons of romance. We didn't exactly do the whole normal dating thing, either.

archangel_speak for yourself, Shepard. im a romance renegade < :-3

justShep_dumbass xD

shalei_stan5ever_why did I want this again?

archangel_my body???

justShep_sexual awakening? ;)

shalei_stan5ever_you two are. the. Worst.

archangel_u luv it < ;-3

justShep_we don't need to worry about labels right now. and i definitely want to take you out. do you want to plan it, or do you want to be surprised?

shalei_stan5ever_I might regret this--but surprise me. i can barely think straight as it is

justShep_course not, you're bi ;)

shalei_stan5ever_ {(>_<)}

archangel_i dont know if this is too soon, Tali, but, ah...how much research should i be doing on quarian suit seals and stuff?

justShep_good question! also: what are you comfortable with Tali?

shalei_stan5ever_oh...uh, wow, this question already huh. I'm, uh...hmm. you can do research if you want. the clean room VI you installed is pretty good. i...i can take care of myself.

justShep_what do you mean?

shalei_stan5ever_i mean that quarian envirosuits are very complex and i might prefer just taking it off myself

shalei_stan5ever_if it comes to that ever! at some point! Organically!

archangel_research helps me feel better

justShep_you *are* a pretty good researcher. even knew what a human clit was for our first time

archangel_SHEPARD

justShep_what? :P

shalei_stan5ever_is it uncommon for humans' partners to -not- know about your basic anatomy?

justShep_you'd be surprised the ignorance still in the 22nd century

shalei_stan5ever_oof. points to Garrus, then

archangel_i don't know what the points are for but i'm keeping score. how many?

shalei_stan5ever_...4

justShep_alright. here's another question: how do we all feel about spending time together? should dates always include all of us? is it okay for us to pair off sometimes? and should the other partner get a heads up about plans that don't include them?

shalei_stan5ever_i do NOT want to mess with what you and Garrus have. i don't mind if you go on dates by yourselves. i just want to hear how it goes {(^.^)}

justShep_can do. I think I'd prefer dates be all 3 of us for now, but eventually I...well, I figure I just enjoy when you two are happy. if going on a date makes you both happy, i wouldn't mind. i might get jealous if you didn't let me know beforehand tho. how do you feel, Garrus?

archangel_uh...i don't know. i just want us all to figure things out together for now.

justShep_alright. we can talk about things later if we like where everything is going. i suppose the first order of business is that date, huh?

shalei_stan5ever_maybe this weekend?

justShep_that could work. Samara is leaving on Friday. Mom is heading back out to help with the Horsehead Nebula relay.

shalei_stan5ever_Hannah will be happy to see Samara again

justShep_she said she isn't staying on the Orizaba tho. Councilor Irissa asked her to work with the STG to secure routes back to asari space and check on asari colonies.

shalei_stan5ever_that means she can see Falere again! i'm happy for

her

archangel_what about ur biotic training, Shepard?

justShep_Samara's given me the tools i need. i think. i'll keep training on my own.

archangel_ok. and Sat. should work. i guess we have some brainstorming to do, Shepard.

justShep_prepare for some soldier-grade wooing, Miss vas Normandy~

shalei_stan5ever_bosh'tets, the both of you <3

Excerpt from Ch.18: In the Name of the Huntress from How to Love a Biotic Goddess

[alwaysabeautifullife]

How did you learn so many languages. Do you have any tips?

Yes!!!! Yes I do!!!

Everything I wish I could tell myself before starting my language “journey” lol:

🦩Dont be intimidated

Don’t be intimidated, specifically by doing listening or speaking practice. I know in the US (or for most English speakers), when we hear someone that speaks perfect English but merely has an accent we think “they don’t speak English”, but from experience this mentality is not shared with other languages. When you know even a little bit of a language or can’t speak it very well, natives speakers are really really encouraging. I think since we view not being 100% fluent without so much as an accent, as “not knowing any of a language” we are hard on ourselves and give up pretty easily.

🦩Listening practice is as important as studying vocabulary and grammar

When you listen to native speakers talk, you are training your ear even though you don’t understand it. Listen and listen, eventually your brain stops picking out English words that aren’t even there, but rather, starts to catch patterns in the language (for example, the same words sticks out to you over and over).

🦩Set realistic and doable goals or you’ll get discouraged and quit

If you are a busy person, make small goals to fit language study in. Don’t tell yourself that you need to master _____ within a week. Instead give yourself 15 mins of reading in the evening, and 25 mins of language listening in the morning. It’s also easier to add the language into stuff you do on a daily basis anyway. For example if you are religious, find your prayers you pray daily in the language you are learning.

🦩learn to read the language first (obviously this tip might not be applicable for character based languages like Chinese)

I know everyone says “immersion is the best and most important part of language” but honestly, a lot of our native speaking knowledge comes from our literacy education. When we are taught how to read, it’s through reading we can discover new words through context. It’s also easy to pick up new language reading since it’s available anywhere, where immersion is only available when you are surrounded by native speakers. The first thing I do is learn how to read and write the language, then the entire language becomes accessible to me.

🦩Spend time perfecting the sounds of the language that are most difficult for you

The vocal sounds of a language is the foundation of a language. I know we are all impatient and want to simply learn as many phrases as possible as fast as possible, but if you get down the unfamiliar sounds of a language that don’t exist in English, you’ll have a better foundation of the language and your speaking and listening will be better from the very beginning. So take the time to practice those weird sounds by looking into the position of the tongue and where the sound comes from, from the chest to the lips. Look into how tense the mouth is, how much air comes from the lips, what the sound is like next to other sounds. When you master this speaking becomes more instinctual and it’s easier to pick up the language.

🦩Search YouTube, google, Instagram IN THE LANGUAGE YOU ARE STUDYING.

Don’t search “korean music” or “korean kids tv” or even “korean vegetables” in google. Just translate how to say them in a translator app, then copy and paste them into the search bar. This way native korean information, videos, posts will come up. For example, if you’re in the mood for some horror comics, and want to read/watch them in the language you are learning, go to the translator app, and figure out how to say them, then search it. It works way better, even if the translation isn’t correct or more natural, you’ll still get the information, posts, and videos you want to see.

🦩Find ways to practice speaking the language (I use HiNative) and don’t be discouraged by corrections.

Getting corrected does not mean you’re wrong, corrections are the most useful part of learning a language. If you are the type of person who is sensitive to criticism, you need to remind yourself corrections are NOT criticism. They are NOT a reflection of your progress, they are NOT you failing! You will always be corrected as a language learner and the sooner you are gentle with yourself in learning the sooner you will learn more. Get those first corrections out of the way, allow yourself to butcher pronunciation, get corrected for the first 10 times, let it sting a little and move on. Eventually you will be begging native speakers to tell you every little detail in where you went wrong!

🦩Tv and Books seems to be more useful for immersion and listening practice then music does

So far in my experience music is its very weird and abstract, and the things said in music aren’t really useful in speaking? It’s good for gathering vocab, but if you want music listening practice that’s music based try searching for rap in that language, although obviously you’ll be picking up a lot of informal language in music/rap. Tv shows however are typically how people really do talk, so turn off English subs and just listen! Books are really useful for learning new vocabulary, but sometimes written language is different than spoken (often), although when you speak it the way you’ve learned from a book the worst you’ll sound is “formal and poetic”.

🦩Look up “insert language you are learning phrases and words that aren’t useful or correct”

There so many programs and books that teach you phrases you’ll never use or that are only appropriate in very specific situations. I don’t know why language programs do this, but learning which ones are weird or only in specific settings before you start learning really helps. Chinese Especially does this...like I learned so many phrases and words that natives will never use and have no purpose???

🦩Know the different subjects of learning a language and which apps to use for that

Everyone uses Duolingo, but this app alone won’t make you speak a language. Duolingo and Memrise are great for memorizing vocab, but, is it vocab that in the context of your reading and listening practice? Are you learning words you are hearing and reading all the time? Duolingo is a lot of fun but I feel like the vocab is so broad and it doesn’t go deep enough into the language. Feel free to use it at first to get used to the sounds of the language, but try using flash card apps like quizlet or Anki instead where you can write down and study words you are hearing constantly. Memrise does have actually study sets for many language books and lessons! So you can study words you are hearing in specific programs and books which is pretty useful in regards to vocab.

There obviously is more than just learning vocab. What about grammar, listening practice, speaking practice and reading? If you are wanting to use primarily apps find out which apps are available for your language. Here is an example of the apps I use for each subject. Be aware some languages are not available on them.

Vocab: quizlet, anki

Grammar: books (printed or kindle), YouTube grammar lessons, websites

Reading: books (printed or kindle), beelinguapp, instagram (posts that have text), Netflix/YouTube with both subtitles in the language you are learning and spoken in language you are learning, epic app

Writing: just use paper and pencil/pen

Listening: audio books (beelinguapp/epic/kindle/YouTube), tv and movies (Netflix/YouTube etc with no English subs), conversations on YouTube (search in language you are studying, don’t search “Spanish conversations” or “Japanese conversations”)

Speaking: HiNative (pretty much all I use since it’s all languages, quick, and you get immediately answered and corrected by native speakers), get friends in language you are learning through lots of apps

Translator: it’s really hard to find a good one, most of them are really weird so only use them for words and the most basic or simple phrases and sentences, otherwise use HiNative to ask native speakers directly, or ask people on the apps that connect you to native speakers

🌱I should note that for talking to native speakers I only like HiNative, since it’s built to NOT be a form of social networking at all. It’s not personal in anyway, and there’s no way to private message or speak to other users outside a asking questions publicly. The people on there are only about learning or teaching a language, not usually making friends. I’ve found the sites that are built to make native speaking friends aren’t useful to me personally, as most of the native speakers are either dudes looking for a woman to date or people wanting to only practice English with you, so they wasted a lot of my study time. People who are willing to help you learn are there, but it takes time to filter everything else out. If you would find it helpful to make friends by all means use them but I don’t really use it myself.🌱

You don’t want to really study EVERY SUBJECT every single day (unless you have the time). It can get really overwhelming, and you don’t really absorb information that if you are just cramming. While I would say it’s good to read and listen daily, spread subjects out over the week. Grammar on Monday and Friday, vocab on Tuesday and Thursday. Take one day to review all of what you’ve learned all week. Pick a day you have the largest block of free time. Bi-weekly works fine too.

I have an old post on how I organize my study time for multiple languages: https://alwaysabeautifullife.tumblr.com/post/182817883372/what-do-you-use-to-learn-your-languages-im

🦩Write sentences daily of everything you’ve learned (no THIS I RECOMMEND DAILY)

Write as many as you can. Use all the grammar you’ve learned, the words you’ve learned, everything! Write them in your notes and submit them to be corrected in HiNative. The sentences they correct, put them in flash cards!

🦩It’s ok to abandon languages you aren’t passionate in

So you’ve learned to read the language, and you know basic phrases, and now you just don’t want to do it anymore. If you can’t think of any reason to maintain it and don’t know why you are studying it, learning some of the language is good! Fluency does NOT need to be everyone’s goal. You can hold a conversation, and that’s good enough for you. Feel free to try out various languages, there will be one or some that really are your passion, it’s fine to have the goal of fluency in those and conversational in others.

Don’t abandon languages however because you feel discouraged. Discouragement is just a bump to get over, when you train your brain to maintain study habits through the days you feel discouraged, you make it habitual. Habits are harder to break and abandon! Evaluate your reasonings for wanting to speak a language, and your reasons for abandoning them if you want. Don’t let difficulty, disorganized, discouragement, or poor time management get in your way!!

🦩With all that said it’s ok to take breaks

It’s ok to get overwhelmed and take breaks from language learning. If you can still maintain what you’ve learned by listening to music in your language or staying connected in some way that’s good, but the “you’ll loose a language” isn’t entirely true. I’ve taken year long breaks and refreshing what I learned previously is pretty easy! Your brain really does go “oh yeah I do remember this!” when you’re studying information you studied years ago.

🦩Be gentle with yourself

Be gentle with yourself. People that claim to be fluent in 6 months are selling something or want to be an influencer. Don’t compare yourself to them. Language learning even for natives is a lifetime education. It’s not something you do for 6 months then stop. It’s continual and that looks different for everyone (yes native speakers included). Don’t bother watching YouTube videos on how to learn in 10 mins or 3 months, you’ll only get discouraged about your own amazing progress and all the work you’ve done.

🦩Plan your “can you say something in it” phrase now

This one is just for fun but after hearing you are learning a language the first thing you’ll get asked is “oh cool you speak (insert target language here)? Can you say something in (insert target language here)?” It does not matter what level of fluency you are at, you will absolutely forget the entire language and your own native language when you are asked this because it sends your brain to another dimension. So think of some funny phrases to say to people who ask, master them, then when they ask what they mean you can have a laugh. Other wise you will say something stupid of jumbled words (my go to was ‘we women are fruit’ for some reason thanks brain you’re incredible) you’ve learned that don’t belong in a sentence, or even worse you’ll run a blank and you’ll just look at them like:

🍳👄🍳

So think of inside jokes to tell your friends, funny phrases, even goofy insults! Memorize them and tell them at your friends and family to torture them because they can’t escape sound waves! It’s a good way to memorize the language but also to become confortable speaking it!

Please excuse any errors I don’t wanna go over my mistakes so pretend u can’t see them 🙈