#my lesbian ass wearing shirts from 10 years from some if the experiences that made me the most miserable ever. im over it n now its whateve

[minglana]

being able to wear shirts from when i was 13 depends on the fact that i assume most ppl here cannot understand english and will not understand what my shirts say

[frobin]

Random consideration: there is an online legend about Oda can change story events if someone on the web/fans guess the thing. So... what do you think about this topic? It can be really valid? If yes, even for whatever eventual not-canon ships? I don't know, because ships are just a very side element in the story, and not like main events of the storyline. (And for my opinion, for Jin:be father topic, I could agree with who said is for the age, maybe. Anyway, I will ship FroBin forever).

Hey anon! Thank you for your question!

Maybe Oda really made Jinbe the dad because of age. right now Oda and Jinbe have the same age (46). He has two children who are (if the internet and my math are correct) 15 and 12 years old. So may it’s not unlikely? If he connects with Jinbe he would rather see him as a dad than a grandparent or a weird uncle. 

-

Now, to the rest... I have to say sorry for answering so late but as of right now I’m writing parts of my answer and I literally pulling my hair because I really try to make sense of the whole situation and trying to understand the intention of a 46 year old japanese man. And this is long again so sorry about that. Anyway... 

I have heard about that. I remembered something about Oda not reading Fan Theories and now I googled once more. Apparently this is the newest Information:

"Oda once said he will change OP story if it coincides with fan theories. But according to TV show today, Oda will never change his plan about "final chapter" even if a fan theory hits the nail on the head. Oda said in 1999 that he had already decided final panel and chapter."

https://twitter.com/sandman_AP/status/1352851201478418432?s=20

I don’t think Oda is actively browsing the web for OP content ( how would he have time to) but he gets fanmail with questions and suggestions. And considering that over 4 million people are One Piece fans... one of them has to get it correct eventually. Trying to avoid any similarity with any fan-theory is IMPOSSIBLE. 

And I do believe that Oda knows how he wants One Piece to end and won’t change that, no matter what. 

As for the details in-between........ I wouldn’t say Oda is not prone to be a Troll and sometimes downright an ass towards his fans. XD Never out of malice but because he thinks it’s funny. 

I’m also sure he will never focus on romance in the manga, but since love is an important part of life it will come into play now and then. Classic romance (?) more with side-characters  (Roger/Rouge, Sai/Baby5, Bege/Chiffon) than with main (Strawhats) but still possible.

He may very well edit less-important plot lines if they don't change the ending. 

That also includes, that I absolutely think it’s possible that the Strawhats will have romantic involvement at the end of the story. At the moment it is never in the focus, except for plot reason (Whole Cake Island for example, though that is an entirely different topic) but absolutely possible. 

Because the Strawhats boning each other or maybe someone outside of the crew will not change the story. It has no influence to anything, except if it’s on a higher scale, like if Luffy really suddenly married Boa Hancock. That would influence the political outline of the world.

Meanwhile Pauli/Iceburg or Noland/Cagara or Bartolomeo/Cavendish have literally no influence to the story (anymore). And I don’t think I have to start on things like other rare pairs or even OC-ships. 

That being said, and having more stuff in mind, I wouldn’t put it past Oda to actually focus more on Jin/Bin. 

Why? Well... 

we had so many interactions between Robin and Franky after the time skip that it was almost ridiculous. In every single arc we see them fight alongside each other. We had strong romantic tropes portrayed with them: 

Their meeting after the timeskip (Sabaody Archipelago)

Franky having his head in Robins lap (Punk Hazard) 

Wearing the same shirt (Dressrosa) 

Finishing each others sentence (Zou)

Franky offering Robin a ride and her answering with a heart (Wano)  

And the moment the internet exploded when Robin was holding Frankys face. Which yeah, only a Colorspread and not canon yadda yadda

For now let’s gloss over all the other moments that showed that they cared for each other. 

... so many.

Anyway what I want to say is that Oda had declared “All the Strawhats are in love with adventure.” and “I won’t focus on romance.”  but is seemingly showing a connection between Franky and Robin, that made one think that he might actually be aboard the ship even if the fandom itself is rather silent and small. 

Meanwhile when Jinbe appeared (in the timeskip) he was instantly a hit. His popularity then rose thanks to Fishmen Island Arc. And again I can’t blame anyone. On the other hand Franky always had a hard stance. This was recently shown again because is the lowest ranked Strawhat in the popularity poll. 

One (Oda) might come to a conclusion here:

Maybe people don’t like Franky and so would dislike FRobin. But since Oda also seems to enjoy grown up relationships (?) maybe he thinks Jinbe is the only reasonable replacement?  -> It could be a tactial decision. 

Maybe he really changed his opinion and personally likes one more than the other. He was a FRobin supporter but now likes JinBin more? It wouldn't change anything for the story and there wouldn't be any harm -> It could be a personal decision. 

Maybe he fears that he put too many hints in the manga and now has to paddle back? Because let’s be honest, until the colourspread with Robin putting her hand on Frankys face... the FRobin fandom was on the backburner. And so he wants to throw out some Red Herrings.  -> Again a tactial decision

Maybe he never inteded to make it  romantic and it is actually all just friendship. Subtext is something many authors use without being aware of it. (Just ask anyone who is a lesbian!Nami fan. They have good points.) -> A mistake from the very beginning. 

And you can use these same thoughts for every other non-canon ship. 

Please take everything of this with a grain of salt because I try to understand the intention of a man who is more than 10 years my senior and from a culture I can’t even start to try to comprehend (sometimes I don’t even get my own culture), who is the head figure of a money-making machine. So it’s hard to tell what else influences his decisions. 

My interpretations are influenced by my own experiences and knowledge which is big and vast but also stretched very thin. 

Last but not least I want to make clear that any speculation is really the same as asking a crystal ball. In the western fandom we have only few people who can even slightly try to give an insight to the whole thing and they (smart enough) keep out of any shipping discourse. 

tl;dr: I don’t think Oda will change the ending. But I do think that he is willing to change minor plotlines  and so yes I think Oda might change couples for any possible reason, as long as it does not change the ending, and he does not even has to choose a good reason because in the end they are his characters and he is free to do whatever he wants with them.

[c-c-cherry]

Bucci Gang Headcanons!!!

I’m not really one to usually post this kind of stuff, but these are some lil headcanons my pal @jjadegreen and I have come up with while stuck in the same house during the quarantine!! 

These literally range from *probably would happen* to *fucking crack* so y’all have been warned...

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Giorno is one of those people that has a secret sweet-tooth. Like. An insane one where if he actually decides to indulge in it he cannot fucking stop. 

When he does go overboard, it’s usually because Bruno got his favourite ice cream flavour from the store and it’s always at some ungodly hour of the night.

He usually blames it on Mista somehow. Accidentally ate the entire tub of ice cream at 3am? No biggie. Just put the spoon on Mista’s bedside table while he’s asleep! 

Everyone blames Mista for it EVERY TIME and now he’s not allowed to eat any ice cream when they buy it. Mista thinks it’s the Sex Pistols because he swears he doesn’t remember doing it. 

Giorno just sits there like *sweats* “yeah uh no it had to be Mista, right? There’s definitely no one else it could be, right? Right??”

One time Abbacchio caught him in the act at like 4am and they have yet to bring it up.

He would spill Giorno’s big secret, but he really likes to see Mista suffer.

Narancia wears skirts sometimes and it’s not a big deal. He vibes, they all just vibe. No toxic masculinity here. 

Narancia is genuinely afraid of those “IF YOU DO NOT SEND TO 10 PEOPLE THIS WILL APPEAR AT THE END OF YOUR BED AT 3AM” emails.

One time he couldn’t do it because Bruno took his phone away and he sat in bed all night fucking trembling in fear of what chain mail monster would eat his face off this time.

Abbacchio hates geese. No one knows why. Not even Bruno.

Narancia’s real stand name IS Aerosmith, but he’s dead set on calling it Lil’ Bomber because “that’s his rapper name.”

Mista is lactose intolerant but he doesn’t know because he just thinks it’s normal to feel excruciating pain when you eat ice cream. 

“Like how pineapples hurt your mouth when you eat them.” -Mista probably

Bruno literally had to take him to the hospital one night because he inhaled too much ice cream and would not stop throwing up and Mista was like “wait this doesn’t happen to you??”

Trish hates butterflies because *fun fact!* butterflies often feed on not only nectar and fruit, but DECAYING CORPSES of animals! 

When she was a kid, she was walking in some alleyway and ran into a dead animal covered in butterflies. One landed on her arm and she fucking screamed. She will never look at them the same ever again...

Giorno loves to make things into butterflies when they all spend time together, and Trish literally has to suppress a shudder every time one goes near her.

Fugo is one of those people that is basically not afraid of anything, but when a fucking bee comes near him he will LOSE IT. He’s one of those people that will have to get up and run away from a bee when it flies near him.

If you tell him that it will leave him alone if he stops moving, he will punch you.

Giorno likes to make shit into bees sometimes just to fuck with him

Bruno does not like dogs. It probably stems from some childhood experience that went sour, but he does not care. He will be stone-faced during any mission or situation, but if a dog tries to jump up and greet him he will freak. The fuck. Out.

One time Narancia and Mista brought home a dog from the streets and mama Bruno was like “NOPE” and zipped himself out of existence.

Abbacchio found him locked in the closet under the stairs when he got home and made them get rid of it.

Leone was more of a cat person anyway.

Abbacchio eats raw pasta.

Fugo plays chess with himself. When Giorno joins the team he’s like “ugh finally an intellectual” but Giorno has literally never seen a fucking chess board in his life and is too scared to tell Fugo so he just keeps making up excuses as to why he doesn’t “have time” to play chess with him today.

Mista doesn’t shower but he has a BOMB-ass face-care routine. Even Trish is jealous. His face? Baby soft? Ten out of ten. The rest of him? Axe body spray out of ten.

Narancia went through a goth phase pre-canon. Abbacchio was not happy because Bruno kept referring to him as “little Abba” but he let Narancia use his good lipstick anyway.

Mista found his special hat in a street gutter on a rainy day and it matched his sweater so he decided to just keep it. Abbacchio does Trish’s makeup. They go to Sephora together. I don’t make the rules.

Giorno never really told anyone (besides Bruno) that he got his stand naturally so they all assume he got it from Polpo’s lighter and when he mentioned something off-hand about “when I was a kid Gold and I…” everyone’s just like “bitch hold up-”

Abbacchio wears coloured contacts and his ass literally cannot see without them. 

Yes they are expensive as fuck. He blows half his pay-check on them every month. 

One time he lost them right before a mission so he had to pull out his heavy prescription glasses from like 8th grade. They literally looked like this.

I think you can imagine the outcome

Growing up, Giorno only listened to three songs. 

The only reason he had access to these songs was because he found a really old Walkman on the side of the road when he was wandering around once. The tape only had three songs on it; Dancing Queen, It's Raining Men, and some song by Mozart. These were the three songs of Giorno’s childhood. 

He still has it and likes to listen to the tape when he gets sad

Narancia doesn’t know what a period is. Neither does Mista. 

Bruno forces everyone into the living room after overhearing this and makes them all watch one of those really awkward sex-ed videos from the 90s (you know the ones)

It was one of the worst days of their lives

They still have the tape and Narancia sometimes slips it in the VHS player when they all least expect it just to fuck with everyone

Bruno once held a capo meeting at their house (biggest mistake of his life) and all you could heard blasting through the walls of the other room was “YoUr bOdy MiGht Be gOiNg tHrOuGh sOmE cHaNgEs, fOr eXaMpLe yOuR P-”

On that note, Giorno was definitely that one kid who took notes during Sex-Ed

Abbacchio listens to Avril Lavigne

Giorno shaves his arms. It kind of started by accident but now he literally cannot stop or else his arms will look completely fucked up

Bruno has sensitive teeth. He can’t drink water that’s too cold cause it hurts his mouth. Abbacchio makes him tea :)

Fugo plays piano to help him with his anger. He would say that he plays saxophone too, but it’s more like violently screeching into the mouthpiece instead of actually playing it.

Narancia thinks that lesbian is a nationality

Even though Giorno lived in Japan for just a couple years, he’s still pretty fluent in the language because his mother would only speak Japanese to him growing up

The gang has no idea that Giorno is Japanese and when a foreigner is struggling Giorno just swoops in with perfect Japanese and they’re all just really confused.

Giorno doesn’t cry during movies or TV shows, but he’s one of those people who fucking BAWLS during video game credits

Mista and Narancia beat Ocarina of Time together and Giorno was watching from the sidelines and AS SOON as the credits started rolling there were tears.

When KK Slider starts to sing in Animal Crossing New Horizons and your character is brought into a music void and the credits start rolling he tears up just a little bit

Mista is squeamish around dead bugs. Not live ones. Dead ones and solely dead ones

Mista and Trish go thrifting. Mista goes to check the pockets of clothes for spare cash (cause he’s a broke bitch) and Trish goes to buy clothes

Everyone thinks that Mista doesn’t change his clothes but he actually just buys like 7 of the same outfit

Mista sneezes like a white sports dad. You know the sneeze.

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Bonus Bruabba shit because Jade and I always go fucking HARD when talking about our local mafia dads:

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Bruno ties up the little strings on Abbacchio’s tiddy shirt every morning.

They got promise rings. Leone’s trying to find a nice time to actually propose but the gang keeps fucking it up every time they try to go on a nice date together

Bruno and Leone watch thunderstorms together

-The rest of the bucci gang stay inside and play monopoly or something when’s its stormy but these two bring out blankets and sit on the front porch and just be all soft and shit watching the lightning light up the sky and listening to the rain on the roof above them.

Bucciarati and Abbacchio have been mistaken as the following: 

Bruno as a woman and Abbacchio as a man. Abbacchio as a woman and Bruno as a man. Two lesbians. But never an actual gay couple.

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Yeah so I have no idea what that was. These were taken from a google doc we have together that’s just all these jumbled, crack-filled headcanons just for fun. I’m sure you can sense the pure chaos in this. 

Go give my dude @jjadegreen a hello, sis made most of these!

uhhh let us know if you want any more from any other parts. Cause y’all know we probably got some. <3

[bey0nd-my-thoughts]

1-99

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

-- Bad at Love // Halsey, Don’t Play // Halsey, Alarm // Anne Marie, Bonfire // Childish Gambino, Deadroses // Blackbear, Jump // Rihanna

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

-- Halsey

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

-- But then someone explained to me: “that’s what editing rooms are for.”

4: What do you think about most?

-- Getting Wrigley soon

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

-- “I get off at 2 and then could come pick ya up”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

-- with clothes on

7: What’s your strangest talent?

-- i have no talents lmao

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

-- Girls are hot af. Boys scare me.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

-- yea

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

-- yesterday

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

-- I hate elevators

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

-- yea

13: What’s your religion?

-- i don’t really do much with religious stuff

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

-- going to my jeep or leaving my jeep

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

-- behind it

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

-- not a band but halsey is my love

17: What was the last lie you told?

-- that i wasn’t hungry

18: Do you believe in karma?

-- absolutely

19: What does your URL mean?

-- i think everything i have done in my life or shit that has happened is beyond what i could have ever thought i’d do

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

-- love for both..

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

-- amber heard

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

-- no

23: How do you vent your anger?

-- i smoke weed and get petty af

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

-- not really

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

-- facetime is my fav

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

-- not really

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

-- hate knives on a plate. i love music.

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

-- a girl i was with end of last year who i fucked over for my shitty ex all because i was at same college as my ex

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

-- yes and no

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

-- right; wall. left; water bottle

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

-- mouthwash

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

-- a college in iowa i hated

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

-- west

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

-- justin bieber

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

-- love

36: Define Art.

-- getting your emotions and thoughts out into the world in a beautiful way

37: Do you believe in luck?

-- yes

38: What’s the weather like right now?

-- 72 and sunny

39: What time is it?

-- 9:10am

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

-- i do, and no but other people have crashed w me in the car. i hate ptsd from an accident and i am a miserable passenger so that’s why i always ask if i can drive places

41: What was the last book you read?

-- i have been reading “if i did it” about OJ Simpson

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

-- yea

43: Do you have any nicknames?

-- tay, tay tay, tator tot, tator thot, twat, tdub, waterfountain

44: What was the last film you saw?

-- i went and saw Rough Night last night

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

-- I broke my cheekbone and eye socket area two years ago on 4th of July playing softball

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

-- yea

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

-- halsey’s new album

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

-- lesbian

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

-- yup

50: Do you believe in magic?

-- depends

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

-- yes

52: What is your astrological sign?

-- virgo

53: Do you save money or spend it?

-- save then binge spend

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

-- a tattoo gun..

55: Love or lust?

-- love

56: In a relationship?

-- nope

57: How many relationships have you had?

-- only one really serious, official one

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

-- no

59: Where were you yesterday?

-- all over going shopping and going to movie 

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

-- yes, my shirt is pink

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

-- yes

62: What’s your favorite animal?

-- dog

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

-- my personality sometimes is pretty great

64: Where is your best friend?

-- one is in wisconsin and one is in arizona

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

-- i cant name any now

66: What is your heritage?

-- idk

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

-- stick and poke tattoo

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

-- idk

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

-- nah

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

-- yes bc i go above and beyond for those closest to me

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

-- get my ass fired. i would save the dog

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

-- a) yes ; b) i would travel as much as i could ; c) yes..

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

-- trust. love isn’t anything without trust..

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

-- jump // rihanna

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

-- 5117

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

-- trust and communication. be my best friend as much as you are my girlfriend

77: How can I win your heart?

-- be honest with me and compliment me sometimes and get along with my family

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

-- yes

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

-- moving to arizona

80: What size shoes do you wear?

-- 8.5

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

-- something about how i have overcome so much shit in my lifetime

82: What is your favorite word?

-- supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

-- love

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

-- wow

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

-- deadroses // blackbear

86: Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

-- purple

87: What is your current desktop picture?

-- me and two of my friends from asu

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

-- my abusive ex

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

-- “what drugs have you done?”

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

-- ask wtf they are doing there

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

-- fly

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

-- i went a huge rave festival in arizona and it was the most fun i’ve ever had so i’d go back to that

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

-- everything my ex did to me and also my car crash

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

-- HALSEY

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

-- florida

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

-- yes but i think he recently got out

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

-- yes

98: Ever been on a plane?

-- yes

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

-- get trump and pence out of the goddamn white house

[ablogthatsathing-blog]

Surprise, I’m transgender! While this may be a shock to some, to others this might have been expected. I owe everyone reading this an explanation, and that will be conveyed through this long-ass story. I am sorry that this took so long to say, and I hope that regardless of how you may know me, that this does not change anything. (sorry I curse a lot in this… I wanted to stay as true to myself and this is most alike to how I talk and how I would say it. A lot of this is un-edited raw thought so with that said, have at it) Before we dive into the story, I would like to preface this by saying that I never wanted to be trans. I would also like to reinforce the fact that being transgender sucks and I almost wish that this was a choice, because I would love to wake up one day and just decide not to be trans. That day isn’t going to happen though, and I can personally vouge for the “it’s not a choice” argument. Trust me, being transgender has stopped me from doing quite a few things. If I could magically switch to being cisgender so I could live a normal life, I would. So, without further or due, here’s my story, in a terrible chronological order almost as bad as that in the movie, Citizen Kane. Let’s start from when I actually found out I was transgender. Any doctor’s favorite question is, “How did you know you were trans?”. The “transgender” term came to me by accident, as I was being the introvert I still kind of am, watching YouTube videos up in my room at my grandma’s house. I was 12 at the time, and while scrolling through the “recommended” section, a video titled something along the lines of, “How I knew I was transgender” popped up. By clicking on that video, I unknowingly opened up my Pandora’s box of shit. Listening to this trans man talk about his experience, as well as with his struggles with gender dysphoria as a teenager felt something freakishly close to what I was feeling about my own body at the time. The term “transgender” though, was just something too big for me. Having already dealt with Lyme disease the year prior to that, I really didn’t want any more problems in my life… so I pretended like I never even heard the word, or related to that dysphoria that the man talked about, and went on living my life suppressing every ounce of pain I felt. I figured I would only deal with it when I had to. Girls were getting boobs and hourglass bodies, and guys were getting squared jaws and broad shoulders, as well as facial hair. When it was my turn to step up to the puberty plate, I tried to do everything I could to mask the changes that were happening to me. Which is quite strange, because at the time I was also denying any possibility of being transgender. Periods were a nightmare (and still are), causing deep depression that was a mix between dysphoria and self-rejection, as well as many crying episodes. Luckily small boobs run in the family, and I was able to get through middle school and into high school wearing double sports bras to hide those “almost A’s”. To deal with the hair situation, I cut that shit short at the end of 8th grade, and braced myself for the reputation that it would bring me… *Cough* *Cough* Lesbian. All of the things that I was doing to hide my gender and my body really didn’t throw many people off. That’s not to say that they didn’t think it was weird, but it wasn’t unlike me to dress “construction casual” like the other boys. I was always the tomboy, often seen rocking some lacrosse shorts and some sort of athletic T-shirt all throughout elementary school. My best friend and I also only played with the boys during recess. That was until I was too much of a weirdo (was it the pony tail mixed with the basketball shoes and all male wardrobe?). I was ousted from that crowd and bullied pretty heavily. Even though it was terrible at the time, Im grateful for the experience, as it really did build character as well as a little confidence when I finally was on the other side of it. Anyways, flash forward to about 8th grade during the Emo ultra butch phase…At that point people kind of expected things like short hair and guys clothing from me. They just figured I was some uber lesbian that was finding myself. Little did they know that yes, while I did like girls, I didn’t like the fact that I was technically a girl, but in all fairness I wasn’t consciously aware of it at the time either. I think I did have an idea, because the term transgender lingered on my shoulder ever since I watched the video. I tried so hard to forget about it, but while on the inside I was working hard to convince myself I wanted to be a girl, on the outside I was already beginning my transition process. Remember that whole “Ill deal with it when I have to” plan? Yeah, well that “time to deal with it” bell rang right before my 15th birthday. It was right about that time when I slipped into a constant state of terrible depression. For the most part I should have been happy at the time, as I had a girlfriend who supported me in everything I did, and never batted an eye or questioned any of my “gender hiding” habits. While we did not end up working out, I am forever grateful to her for being the first person I was able to come out to, as well as for always accepting me for who I was, not as the gender I identified by, or the clothing choices I made. Anyways… September/ early October of 2015 was when it occurred to me that it was time to either deal with the situation at hand, or to commit suicide. I hated every part of myself… I didn’t fit in right on either side of the gender spectrum, and I had to accept the hard fact that I was transgender and that there was no changing it. For my 15th birthday, I bought some of my friends presents instead of accepting anything, as I figured I wouldn’t make it to my 16th birthday and I wanted to show my love and appreciation for them. So, in between that October to March of 2016, my depression was getting so bad that even the slightest things would result in the thought of “I guess I’ll just die… that’ll make things better”. My depression was playing a nasty game of Cuban missile crisis with my mind. Brinksmanship was the only thing that brought me to actually say the words “I am not comfortable in my own body, I am transgender.” It was either that or Depression was going to launch its nukes. I thought I opened Pandora’s box when I watched that YouTube video when I was 13, but boy was I a fool for not realizing that Pandora seems to have an unlimited number of shit filled boxes. See, the issue with telling your parents your trans is like, “Wow! I feel so relieved that the thing that almost caused me to kill myself is finally off my chest… oh wait, now I actually have to really deal with it.” The best metaphor I can think of to describe the situation is that it’s like peeling an onion. Each layer, while gradually getting closer and closer to the core, makes you cry and stinks up your kitchen. If only being transgender came with a pair of onion goggles that would keep the tears away. Unfortunately, the elves didn’t stop by to drop off my pair the night that I came out to my mom. Instead, I woke up many days to, “now what” conversations, and a lot, and I mean a lot, more crying. Here’s another thing that the Fairy (no pun intended) god mother doesn’t tell you about being trans. As far as I can tell from the experience I have, it actually gets way harder when you actively begin to transition, up until you’re on hormones for a couple months! If being trans was a plot structure graph, English teachers would have one hell of a time trying to explain all the rising actions, climaxes, and falling actions to their students. You know when you’re on a school break or summer vacation and your parents still have to go to work, so you stumble out of bed at like 10:30 only to find a giant list of chores you have to complete before your allowed to go out? I experienced something similar to that after I came out to my parents, except instead of the list being signed “XOXO -Mom” mine had something like, “Have fun bitch! -Your Superego”. The mental list that I had come up with for myself looked something like this: · Come out to close friends · Come out to my sister, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my grandparents. · Come out to the school administration · Come out to school · See a psychologist that can get me a testosterone letter · See an endocrinologist to get testosterone · Get both parents on board with testosterone I wanted to come out to my close friends first for two reasons… One was that my girlfriend already knew, so what would the difference be if the friend-group we were both in knew as well? Two was that I wanted to practice actually saying the words, “I am transgender” to my friends before I started playing tranny hot potato with my family. Telling my family kind of stood in the way of telling the school administration, as well as my classmates, because my sister, along with two of my cousins and I, all went to the same school together. “Hey Katie, I just heard someone say Kieran’s a boy now?” Needless to say, that would be a little awkward. The list got totally re-made many times, and as the list continues to increase in size, I’m sure it will also continue to change its order of priorities. The ever-changing list is like a fucking hydra… cut off one problem and two more shall appear. Over the course of a year I came out to many of my close friends, along with other acquaintances. Originally, this was a feat that seemed insurmountable, but with each conversation came more and more confidence. While I had yet to fully accept, and love myself, coming out to my friends allowed me to get in touch with a lot of feelings I was pushing away. Many of them wanted to hear my story, and wanted to understand what it was that caused me to feel this way. I began to recall all the situations that raised many gender crisis flags, some of which I had never felt comfortable to talk about until then. I told them my communion story… The one where I was so upset about having to wear a dress, that I ran off the church lawn after a couple pictures, and stripped out of my dress in the parking lot. It didn’t even phase me that I was completely nude in front of most of the town, I was just focused on getting that dress off. There are many stories very similar to the communion nightmare, and if you look back into family photo albums, you rarely find me wearing dresses or girly clothing. When I was 7 my second cousin was getting married in Washington D.C. and my entire family drove down for the wedding. In all the pictures, we have from the wedding, I can be seen wearing a pony-tail, blue polo shirt, a pair of khaki Capri’s and some super sexy blue crocks. I was that cousin… and no it was not because of the crocs. Sorry to jump out of chronological order here, but let’s jump to June of 2016, when it had been 3 months since I had told my parents and a couple of friends that I was transgender. I started seeing a new therapist in hopes of getting a letter for testosterone. Depending on where you live, or which doctor you see, the process for getting testosterone usually goes along the lines of seeing a therapist for x amount of time, seeing an endocrinologist, and then getting your testosterone recommendation letters and giving them to the endocrinologist who will, fingers crossed, write you a prescription for those goodie- good hormones. That’s the over simplified order because, let me tell you, that is never how easy it is going to be. So, I start seeing this new therapist, right? I’ll just make it clear that I personally hate therapy. That’s not to say that I have anything against the people who find therapists or therapy helpful, it’s just that the whole system doesn’t really work for me. As a passionate overthinker, as well as a person who has spent the last 6 years seeing therapists, I love to also psycho-analyze the shit out of myself. It’s such an awful habit, because I end up making myself more depressed than I was and then I’m stuck feeling like shit for the rest of the day. Going to therapy for me just sucks because when the therapist asks, “So maybe it’s the fact that you have X going on, its causing a lot of sad feelings?” and it’s like “Um no actually X was a small problem that made me feel let down as well as furthered my trust issues with people. Problem Y and Z are the things that are causing me to feel sad but there’s nothing I can do to change them so here’s a shit ton of my parent’s money, let’s sit here for another 45 minutes and bullshit the rest of this session.” It’s kind of sad when you get to the point that your therapist sucks so much, you have to psycho- analyze them to try and figure out what led them to their psychology major, and love of leather recliners and notepads. My favorite type of therapists are the therapists that haven’t spent any time in the chair themselves. They’re your stereotypical “so how does that make you feel?” therapists, the ones that always have their pen going. They stand out like a sore thumb to anyone that has seen their deal of therapists, as they struggle to remember small facts, and the DSMR is their only solution to your problems. Their psych evals start off with “ummmm… would you consider yourself to be a worrier?” and when they ask, “do you have any questions for me” they’re really saying, “please don’t ask me anything I have exactly 26.2 seconds until this appointment is over and I do not have the time nor the experience to answer anything, don’t let the door hit you on the way out kiddo.” Usually the only question I have for inexperienced therapists like this is, “where the fuck did you get you psychology degree?”. The 10 weeks of summer was a rushed mess between crippling depression and therapy appointments, and it was late August when my parents finally agreed it was time to go see an endocrinologist. Long story short, it is now February 23rd, and tomorrow I see a doctor that will most likely be writing my prescription for hormones (which according to predictions, should start in March). It has been an incredibly long journey, full of plenty of tears and new understandings. I know it will continue to be a long and tough road, but there is no way to properly express how grateful I am to be at this point. So now that you’ve heard my story, I’m going to switch gears to part 2 of this mini project. “Why?” Is a question I ask myself often. “Why am I transgender?” “Why am I like this?” “Why couldn’t I have been born normally” “Why can’t I just stop being trans?” “Why do I have to live my life like this”. To many cisgender people, being transgender seems like a conscious decision made by those who identify as a gender separate from that of the one they were given at birth. As a transgender person currently seeking medical treatment to help me cope with the life I am forced to live, I can assure you that this is not something people chose. It is not fun. It is not cool. It’s not exciting getting to live with a foot in both worlds. Do you have any idea how fucked up my ribs are from years of wearing sports bras and duct tape or ace bandages that were too tight? Try running in two, way-too-tight sports bras and tell me how you feel after about a mile. Those bruises that I’ve had since 8th grade? That sit right along my bra line? They don’t seem to be going away any time soon. My back hurts all the time from the binder I have to wear. When I forget to air dry it in time for school the next day, and I’m forced to wear the double sports bras again, I can’t get a full breath without being in terrible pain until 2:55 when I finally get home. Bathrooms are so much fun! There’s nothing being out with a friend and having to travel all around town to find a place with a single bathroom instead of having to deal with your traditional men’s and women’s rooms. Sure, I look enough like a guy to use the men’s room, but what happens when you see one of your schoolmates or maybe a family friend that knows you as female? Using the bathroom in school is super lit too. I usually have two options, one is to go during second period when nobody is down in the bathroom by the field entrance (oh and then not go to the bathroom for the rest of the day), or two is to go to the nurses and awkwardly ask to use their bathroom. While I have made an extreme effort to become close with the nurses, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s pretty weird to go there to use the bathroom. To avoid bathrooms overall, I usually just don’t drink anything starting from 9pm at night, until 3pm during the next day. That usually never works out though. I take medication for ADHD that makes me extremely thirsty and dries the fuck out of my throat, so what ends up happening is I’ll go to bed at around 8 on a dose of Nyquil (or else I’m never able to sleep), and then proceed to wake up every hour usually around the exact same time, drink a crap ton of water, and then go back to bed. That’s usually fine if it’s a weekend, because I won’t go out until later in the day, but on schooldays this is terrible because it means that I’ll have to use the bathroom all day but I can’t. Another great thing about being trans? Trying to look as masculine as possible, following the “whatever it takes!” notion. Nothing like picking up some awesome eating disorders. Last year, anorexia/ binge eating, lead to orthorexia, and then finally led to a forever fucked up view of food. Oh, and you know what eating disorders do to an already fucked up stomach like mine? Fuck it up even more, so kiss and Dairy/ Grains goodbye. I hate eating outside of my house because I’m still scared of calories, and when I eat at home I have to eat worrying about every single thing I put in my mouth. If I get fat, I won’t look as masculine. If I get too skinny, the doctors won’t give me hormones because they’ll know I have an eating disorder. If only they understood that the eating disorders were caused by being trans, and hormones would rid of my eating problems because I would look masculine without having to starve myself (oh or work out every day and ruin plans because I need to go to the gym or else I feel like I can’t see my friends because I look too feminine) Of course clothes help, but they usually don’t look right on my disproportionate body. I also don’t gain muscle half as fast as regular ol cis guys do, so even when I bust my ass in the gym every day (looking like a scrawny fool to all the other guys there) I don’t see like any results which throw me into a terrible depression because what’s the point of going to the gym then? Oh, that’s right… if I don’t go to the gym, I won’t look like a guy, and I can’t eat then because I’ll look to feminine. Ruining things is also a really fun hobby! Whether it be relationships, friendships, ties with relatives, social outings, or maybe even just a car ride or just sitting around in your living room, you can always count on being trans to ruin shit. Who knows how your crush will take it when they find out your trans? Disgusted? Maybe, “That’s a shame, I would have dated you if you were cis”? It’s always a gamble, you can never tell how people will react. Close friends usually take it well, sometimes they just want to understand the whole thing. That’s totally okay with me, as it is my job to help people understand what being trans is, and it also helps me understand and come to terms with myself. Family is super tough. They’re the ones that mean the most to you, and even if you’re out to them, there’s always potential to ruin shit. You really can’t beat ruining dinner with your mom, like how I did the other night. We hadn’t had the chance to sit down and talk in a while, and after 15 minutes of me talking about trans stuff (cause you know the question “how are you” automatically segways into the trans shit) she slams her fists down on the table, starts crying, and says “please can we just talk about something happy in your life?” and then you start crying because you just ruined dinner and oh yeah, there’s nothing happy about living a life where you constantly want to kill yourself, because of how much you hate yourself. So, even when you dry your eyes and ask “how’s work going?” and your mom puts down her food and says she’s not hungry anymore, you realize not only did you just kill the dinner vibes, but you literally ruined dinner. My sister really loves to deal with trans stuff too! The second I try and correct her on pronouns, she rolls her eyes. That usually starts a fight. Monday night, it ended with me fighting back tears, saying “You know sometimes when you hate yourself so much, one of the few things that keeps you going is a pronoun.” She rolled her eyes again and laughed, and I started sobbing. If anyone wonders why my sister and I have a bad relationship, that’s why. I can’t imagine how hard it is for my immediate family. I wish I didn’t have to put anyone through this. I wish I could change so they didn’t have to deal with my mess, and so many tears didn’t have to be shed. I wish I was never trans. I wish I didn’t have to bind in order to feel a little bit better about myself. I wish I didn’t have to plan out every single thing about my day in school, like using the bathroom and avoiding locker rooms. I wish I actually could envision myself going to college, or living to see my next birthday. I wish my first reaction to things wasn’t “I’ll kill myself then I won’t have to deal with it”. I wish I could run cross country or track again. I wish I could use the bathroom without having to worry about seeing someone, or being afraid of being questioned or worse. I wish I didn’t worry about the pitch of my voice when talking to strangers. I wish I fit in with guys. I wish I didn’t ruin things. I wish I could drink water. I wish I didn’t have problems with food. I wish I could not worry about talking to girls because of the fact that I’m trans. I wish I didn’t have to work out in order to be able to leave the house. I wish I could be okay with myself. Now that you’ve gotten through all the shitty stuff, here’s some positivity. I know I say plenty of times that I hate myself, and that I think about suicide as an option for everything. Rest assured, while yes, some days are worse than others in regards to depression and suicidal thoughts, I still have hope. There are so many amazing things in this world and I acknowledge that killing myself, won’t allow me to see. I love making films and writing. I love making other people laugh, and laughing at my own jokes. I love to make people happy. Personally speaking, one of the greatest things about being in a relationship is waking up every day and thinking, “how can I make this person’s day awesome?”. I love seeing my friends succeed (and helping them out when they mess up). I love to meet people. I love talking to people, even strangers. I love hearing other people’s stories, and learning about people. I love hearing why your favorite animal is a flamingo, and I want to know the story behind what made you hate striped shirts. I love music, both making it and listening to it. I love to learn (although I hate learning in a classroom setting). I love to read books, read opinions, read the news, read different perspectives, read about religions, read about philosophies on life and our existence. I love bike riding, skateboarding, and running. I love exploring, and the trouble that it sometimes gets me into. I love adventure, as well as change. Even though I love adventure, I also love staying home and watching movies. I love hugs. I love to chill and watch Netflix. I love to sleep and I also love waking up early to work out. I love to suck at piano and guitar. I love to dance terribly. I love animals. I love being upstate and out in nature. I love San Francisco (but I hate planes so idk when ill visit again). I love (and really miss) good food. I love to bake. I love to cook. I love photography. I love my friends, I love my teammates and I love my family. I love so many things, I couldn’t possibly trade my life for all of the above. Look at the things I wish were different and compare them to the list of things that I love. The love list far outweighs the wish list. Seeing black or whatever the hell happens after you die, can never compare to the opportunities I have been given. My family and I might have our struggles, but whose family doesn’t. I’ve been gifted with a great education, an ADHD brain that allows for extremely creativity, a great family, amazing friends, and a world is filled with so many stories that need to be told, so many ideas that need to be here, and so many opportunities that are ready to be taken. To all of you who have made it through this entire thing, I want to say thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I genuinely appreciate the fact that you took the time to read this. I would really like to express that I do not want any sympathy from this, and that the whole point of writing this was to help people gain some perspective and understanding, as well as to come out to those that didn’t know I was trans. Just because we all may experience different struggles in life, it’s impossible to say that we all don’t have a list of things we love. Regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, social class, or disability, there will always be room for love. Once again, thank you for reading this, it really means a lot to me.

[illthinkofausernamelater12-blog]

Surprise, I’m transgender! While this may be a shock to some, to others this might have been expected. I owe everyone reading this an explanation, and that will be conveyed through this long-ass story. I am sorry that this took so long to say, and I hope that regardless of how you may know me, that this does not change anything. (sorry I curse a lot in this… I wanted to stay as true to myself and this is most alike to how I talk and how I would say it. A lot of this is un-edited raw thought so with that said, have at it)

Before we dive into the story, I would like to preface this by saying that I never wanted to be trans. I would also like to reinforce the fact that being transgender sucks and I almost wish that this was a choice, because I would love to wake up one day and just decide not to be trans. That day isn’t going to happen though, and I can personally vouge for the “it’s not a choice” argument. Trust me, being transgender has stopped me from doing quite a few things. If I could magically switch to being cisgender so I could live a normal life, I would. So, without further or due, here’s my story, in terrible chronological order that is almost as bad as that in the movie, Citizen Kane.

Let’s start from when I actually found out I was transgender. Any doctor’s favorite question is, “How did you know you were trans?”. The “transgender” term came to me by accident, as I was being the introvert I still kind of am, watching YouTube videos up in my room at my grandma’s house. I was 12 at the time, and while scrolling through the “recommended” section, a video titled something along the lines of, “How I knew I was transgender” popped up. By clicking on that video, I unknowingly opened up my Pandora’s box of shit. Listening to this trans man talk about his experience, as well as with his struggles with gender dysphoria as a teenager felt something freakishly close to what I was feeling about my own body at the time. The term “transgender” though, was just something too big for me. Having already dealt with Lyme disease the year prior to that, I really didn’t want any more problems in my life… so I pretended like I never even heard the word, or related to that dysphoria that the man talked about, and went on living my life suppressing every ounce of pain I felt. I figured I would only deal with it when I had to. Girls were getting boobs and hourglass bodies, and guys were getting squared jaws and broad shoulders, as well as facial hair. When it was my turn to step up to the puberty plate, I tried to do everything I could to mask the changes that were happening to me. Which is quite strange, because at the time I was also denying any possibility of being transgender. Periods were a nightmare (and still are), causing deep depression that was a mix between dysphoria and self-rejection, as well as many crying episodes. Luckily small boobs run in the family, and I was able to get through middle school and into high school wearing double sports bras to hide those “almost A’s”. To deal with the hair situation, I cut that shit short at the end of 8th grade, and braced myself for the reputation that it would bring me… *Cough* *Cough* Lesbian.

All of the things that I was doing to hide my gender and my body really didn’t throw many people off. That’s not to say that they didn’t think it was weird, but it wasn’t unlike me to dress “construction casual” like the other boys. I was always the tomboy, often seen rocking some lacrosse shorts and some sort of athletic T-shirt all throughout elementary school. My best friend and I also only played with the boys during recess. That was until I was too much of a weirdo (was it the pony tail mixed with the basketball shoes and all male wardrobe?). I was ousted from that crowd and bullied pretty heavily. Even though it was terrible at the time, Im grateful for the experience, as it really did build character as well as a little confidence when I finally was on the other side of it. Anyways, flash forward to about 8th grade during the Emo ultra butch phase…At that point people kind of expected things like short hair and guys clothing from me. They just figured I was some uber lesbian that was finding myself. Little did they know that yes, while I did like girls, I didn’t like the fact that I was technically a girl, but in all fairness I wasn’t consciously aware of it either at the time. I think I did have an idea, because the term transgender lingered on my shoulder ever since I watched the video. I tried so hard to forget about it, but while on the inside I was working hard to convince myself I wanted to be a girl, on the outside I was already beginning my transition process.

Remember that whole “Ill deal with it when I have to” plan? Yeah, well that “time to deal with it” bell rang right before my 15th birthday. It was right about that time when I slipped into a constant state of terrible depression. For the most part I should have been happy at the time, as I had a girlfriend who supported me in everything I did, and never batted an eye or questioned any of my “gender hiding” habits. While we did not end up working out, I am forever grateful to her for being the first person I was able to come out to, as well as for always accepting me for who I was, not as the gender I identified by, or the clothing choices I made. Anyways… September/ early October of 2015 was when it occurred to me that it was time to either deal with the situation at hand, or to commit suicide. I hated every part of myself… I didn’t fit in right on either side of the gender spectrum, and I had to accept the hard fact that I was transgender and that there was no changing it. For my 15th birthday, I bought some of my friends presents instead of accepting anything, as I figured I wouldn’t make it to my 16th birthday and I wanted to show my love and appreciation for them. So, in between that October to March of 2016, my depression was getting so bad that even the slightest things would result in the thought of “I guess I’ll just die… that’ll make things better”. My depression was playing a nasty game of Cuban missile crisis with my mind. Brinksmanship was the only thing that brought me to actually say the words “I am not comfortable in my own body, I am transgender.” It was either that or Depression was going to launch its nukes.

I thought I opened Pandora’s box when I watched that YouTube video when I was 13, but boy was I a fool for not realizing that Pandora seems to have an unlimited number of shit filled boxes. See, the issue with telling your parents your trans is like, “Wow! I feel so relieved that the thing that almost caused me to kill myself is finally off my chest… oh wait, now I actually have to really deal with it.” The best metaphor I can think of to describe the situation is that it’s like peeling an onion. Each layer, while gradually getting closer and closer to the core, makes you cry and stinks up your kitchen. If only being transgender came with a pair of onion goggles that would keep the tears away. Unfortunately, the elves didn’t stop by to drop off my pair the night that I came out to my mom. Instead, I woke up many days to, “now what” conversations, and a lot, and I mean a lot, more crying. Here’s another thing that the Fairy (no pun intended) god mother doesn’t tell you about being trans. As far as I can tell from the experience I had, it actually gets way harder when you actively begin to transition, up until you’re on hormones for a couple months! If being trans was a plot structure graph, English teachers would have one hell of a time trying to explain all the rising actions, climaxes, and falling actions to their students.

You know when you’re on a school break or summer vacation and your parents still have to go to work, so you stumble out of bed at like 10:30 only to find a giant list of chores you have to complete before your allowed to go out? I experienced something similar to that after I came out to my parents, except instead of the list being signed “XOXO -Mom” mine had something like, “Have fun bitch! -Your Superego”. The mental list that I had come up with for myself looked something like this:

·       Come out to close friends

·       Come out to my sister, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my grandparents.

·       Come out to the school administration

·       Come out to school

·       See a psychologist that can get me a testosterone letter

·       See an endocrinologist to get testosterone

·       Get both parents on board with testosterone

I wanted to come out to my close friends first for two reasons… One was that my girlfriend already knew, so what would the difference be if the friend-group we were both in knew as well? Two was that I wanted to practice actually saying the words, “I am transgender” to my friends before I started playing tranny hot potato with my family. Telling my family kind of stood in the way of telling the school administration, as well as my classmates, because my sister, along with two of my cousins and I, all went to the same school together. “Hey Katie, I just heard someone say Kieran’s a boy now?” Needless to say, that would be a little awkward.

The list got totally re-made many times, and as the list continues to increase in size, I’m sure it will also continue to change its order of priorities. The ever-changing list is like a fucking hydra… cut off one problem and two more shall appear.  

Over the course of a year I came out to many of my close friends, along with other acquaintances. Originally, this was a feat that seemed insurmountable, but with each conversation came more and more confidence. While I had yet to fully accept, and love myself, coming out to my friends allowed me to get in touch with a lot of feelings I was pushing away. Many of them wanted to hear my story, and wanted to understand what it was that caused me to feel this way. I began to recall all the situations that raised many gender crisis flags, some of which I had never felt comfortable to talk about until then. I told them my communion story… The one where I was so upset about having to wear a dress, that I ran off the church lawn after a couple pictures, and stripped out of my dress in the parking lot. It didn’t even phase me that I was completely nude in front of most of the town, I was just focused on getting that dress off. There are many stories very similar to the communion nightmare, and if you look back into family photo albums, you rarely find me wearing dresses or girly clothing. When I was 7 my second cousin was getting married in Washington D.C. and my entire family drove down for the wedding. In all the pictures we have from the wedding, I can be seen wearing a pony-tail, blue polo shirt, a pair of khaki Capri’s and some super sexy blue crocks.  I was that cousin… and no it was not because of the crocs.

Sorry to jump out of chronological order here, but let’s jump to June of 2016, when it had been 3 months since I had told my parents and a couple of friends that I was transgender. I started seeing a new therapist in hopes of getting a letter for testosterone. Depending on where you live, or which doctor you see, the process for getting testosterone usually goes along the lines of seeing a therapist for x amount of time, seeing an endocrinologist, and then getting your testosterone recommendation letters and giving them to the endocrinologist who will, fingers crossed, write you a prescription for those goodie- good hormones. That’s the over simplified order because, let me tell you, that is never how easy it is going to be. So, I start seeing this new therapist, right? I’ll just make it clear that I personally hate therapy. That’s not to say that I have anything against the people who find therapists or therapy helpful, it’s just that the whole system doesn’t really work for me. As a passionate overthinker, as well as a person who has spent the last 6 years seeing therapists, I love to also psycho-analyze the shit out of myself. It’s such an awful habit, because I end up making myself more depressed than I was and then I’m stuck feeling like shit for the rest of the day. Going to therapy for me just sucks because when the therapist asks, “So maybe it’s the fact that you have X going on, its causing a lot of sad feelings?” and it’s like “Um no actually X was a small problem that made me feel let down as well as furthered my trust issues with people. Problem Y and Z are the things that are causing me to feel sad but there’s nothing I can do to change them so here’s a shit ton of my parent’s money, let’s sit here for another 45 minutes and bullshit the rest of this session.” It’s kind of sad when you get to the point that your therapist sucks so much, you have to psycho- analyze them to try and figure out what led them to their psychology major, and love of leather recliners and notepads. My favorite type of therapists are the therapists that haven’t spent any time in the chair themselves. They’re your stereotypical “so how does that make you feel?” therapists, the ones that always have their pen going. They stand out like a sore thumb to anyone that has seen their deal of therapists, as they struggle to remember small facts, and the DSMR is their only solution to your problems. Their psych evals start off with “ummmm… would you consider yourself to be a worrier?” and when they ask, “do you have any questions for me” they’re really saying, “please don’t ask me anything I have exactly 26.2 seconds until this appointment is over and I do not have the time nor the experience to answer anything, don’t let the door hit you on the way out kiddo.” Usually the only question I have for inexperienced therapists like this is, “where the fuck did you get you psychology degree?”. The 10 weeks of summer were a rushed mess between crippling depression and therapy appointments, and it was late August when my parents finally agreed it was time to go see an endocrinologist.

Long story short, it is now February 23rd, and tomorrow I see a doctor that will most likely be writing my prescription for hormones (which according to predictions, should start in March). It has been an incredibly long journey, full of plenty of tears and new understandings. I know it will continue to be a long and tough road, but there is no way to properly express how grateful I am to be at this point.

So now that you’ve heard my story, I’m going to switch gears to part 2 of this mini project.

“Why?” Is a question I ask myself often. “Why am I transgender?” “Why am I like this?” “Why couldn’t I have been born normally” “Why can’t I just stop being trans?” “Why do I have to live my life like this”. To many cisgender people, being transgender seems like a conscious decision made by those who identify as a gender separate from that of the one they were given at birth. As a transgender person currently seeking medical treatment to help me cope with the life I am forced to live, I can assure you that this is not something people chose. It is not fun. It is not cool. It’s not exciting getting to live with a foot in both worlds.

Do you have any idea how fucked up my ribs are from years of wearing sports bras and duct tape or ace bandages that were too tight? Try running in two, way-too-tight sports bras and tell me how you feel after about a mile. Those bruises that I’ve had since 8th grade? That sit right along my bra line? They don’t seem to be going away any time soon. My back hurts all the time from the binder I have to wear. When I forget to air dry it in time for school the next day, and I’m forced to wear the double sports bras again, I can’t get a full breath without being in terrible pain until 2:55 when I finally get home.

Bathrooms are so much fun! There’s nothing being out with a friend and having to travel all around town to find a place with a single bathroom instead of having to deal with your traditional men’s and women’s rooms. Sure, I look enough like a guy to use the men’s room, but what happens when you see one of your schoolmates or maybe a family friend that knows you as female? Using the bathroom in school is super lit too. I usually have two options, one is to go during second period when nobody is down in the bathroom by the field entrance (oh and then not go to the bathroom for the rest of the day), or two is to go to the nurses and awkwardly ask to use their bathroom. While I have made an extreme effort to become close with the nurses, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s pretty weird to go there to use the bathroom. To avoid bathrooms overall, I usually just don’t drink anything starting from 9pm at night, until 3pm during the next day. That usually never works out though. I take medication for ADHD that makes me extremely thirsty and dries the fuck out of my throat, so what ends up happening is I’ll go to bed at around 8 on a dose of Nyquil (or else I’m never able to sleep), and then proceed to wake up every hour usually around the exact same time, drink a crap ton of water, and then go back to bed. That’s usually fine if it’s a weekend, because I won’t go out until later in the day, but on schooldays this is terrible because it means that I’ll have to use the bathroom all day but I can’t.

Another great thing about being trans? Trying to look as masculine as possible, following the “whatever it takes!” notion. Nothing like picking up some awesome eating disorders. Last year, anorexia/ binge eating, lead to orthorexia, and then finally led to a forever fucked up view of food. Oh, and you know what eating disorders do to an already fucked up stomach like mine? Fuck it up even more, so kiss and Dairy/ Grains goodbye. I hate eating outside of my house because I’m still scared of calories, and when I eat at home I have to eat worrying about every single thing I put in my mouth. If I get fat, I won’t look as masculine. If I get too skinny, the doctors won’t give me hormones because they’ll know I have an eating disorder. If only they understood that the eating disorders were caused by being trans, and hormones would rid of my eating problems because I would look masculine without having to starve myself (oh or work out every day and ruin plans because I need to go to the gym or else I feel like I can’t see my friends because I look too feminine) Of course clothes help, but they usually don’t look right on my disproportionate body. I also don’t gain muscle half as fast as regular ol cis guys do, so even when I bust my ass in the gym every day (looking like a scrawny fool to all the other guys there) I don’t see like any results which throw me into a terrible depression because what’s the point of going to the gym then? Oh, that’s right… if I don’t go to the gym, I won’t look like a guy, and I can’t eat then because I’ll look to feminine.

Ruining things is also a really fun hobby! Whether it be relationships, friendships, ties with relatives, social outings, or maybe even just a car ride or just sitting around in your living room, you can always count on being trans to ruin shit. Who knows how your crush will take it when they find out your trans? Disgusted? Maybe, “That’s a shame, I would have dated you if you were cis”? It’s always a gamble, you can never tell how people will react. Close friends usually take it well, sometimes they just want to understand the whole thing. That’s totally okay with me, as it is my job to help people understand what being trans is, and it also helps me understand and come to terms with myself. Family is super tough. They’re the ones that mean the most to you, and even if you’re out to them, there’s always potential to ruin shit.  You really can’t beat ruining dinner with your mom, like how I did the other night. We hadn’t had the chance to sit down and talk in a while, and after 15 minutes of me talking about trans stuff (cause you know the question “how are you” automatically segways into the trans shit) she slams her fists down on the table, starts crying, and says “please can we just talk about something happy in your life?” and then you start crying because you just ruined dinner and oh yeah, there’s nothing happy about living a life where you constantly want to kill yourself, because of how much you hate yourself. So, even when you dry your eyes and ask “how’s work going?” and your mom puts down her food and says she’s not hungry anymore, you realize not only did you just kill the dinner vibes, but you literally ruined dinner. My sister really loves to deal with trans stuff too! The second I try and correct her on pronouns, she rolls her eyes. That usually starts a fight. Monday night, it ended with me fighting back tears, saying “You know sometimes when you hate yourself so much, one of the few things that keeps you going is a pronoun.” She rolled her eyes again and laughed, and I started sobbing. If anyone wonders why my sister and I have a bad relationship, that’s why. I can’t imagine how hard it is for my immediate family. I wish I didn’t have to put anyone through this. I wish I could change so they didn’t have to deal with my mess, and so many tears didn’t have to be shed.

I wish I was never trans. I wish I didn’t have to bind in order to feel a little bit better about myself. I wish I didn’t have to plan out every single thing about my day in school, like using the bathroom and avoiding locker rooms. I wish I actually could envision myself going to college, or living to see my next birthday. I wish my first reaction to things wasn’t “I’ll kill myself then I won’t have to deal with it”. I wish I could run cross country or track again. I wish I could use the bathroom without having to worry about seeing someone, or being afraid of being questioned or worse. I wish I didn’t worry about the pitch of my voice when talking to strangers. I wish I fit in with guys. I wish I didn’t ruin things. I wish I could drink water. I wish I didn’t have problems with food. I wish I could not worry about talking to girls because of the fact that I’m trans. I wish I didn’t have to work out in order to be able to leave the house. I wish I could be okay with myself.

Now that you’ve gotten through all the shitty stuff, here’s some positivity. I know I say plenty of times that I hate myself, and that I think about suicide as an option for everything. Rest assured, while yes, some days are worse than others in regards to depression and suicidal thoughts, I still have hope. There are so many amazing things in this world and I acknowledge that killing myself, won’t allow me to see. I love making films and writing. I love making other people laugh, and laughing at my own jokes. I love to make people happy. Personally speaking, one of the greatest things about being in a relationship is waking up every day and thinking, “how can I make this person’s day awesome?”. I love seeing my friends succeed (and helping them out when they mess up). I love to meet people. I love talking to people, even strangers. I love hearing other people’s stories, and learning about people. I love hearing why your favorite animal is a flamingo, and I want to know the story behind what made you hate striped shirts. I love music, both making it and listening to it. I love to learn (although I hate learning in a classroom setting). I love to read books, read opinions, read the news, read different perspectives, read about religions, read about philosophies on life and our existence. I love bike riding, skateboarding, and running. I love exploring, and the trouble that it sometimes gets me into. I love adventure, as well as change. Even though I love adventure, I also love staying home and watching movies. I love hugs. I love to chill and watch Netflix. I love to sleep and I also love waking up early to work out. I love to suck at piano and guitar. I love to dance terribly. I love animals. I love being upstate and out in nature. I love San Francisco (but I hate planes so idk when ill visit again). I love (and really miss) good food. I love to bake. I love to cook. I love photography. I love my friends, I love my teammates and I love my family. I love so many things, I couldn’t possibly trade my life for all of the above. Look at the things I wish were different and compare them to the list of things that I love. The love list far outweighs the wish list. Seeing black or whatever the hell happens after you die, can never compare to the opportunities I have been given. My family and I might have our struggles, but whose family doesn’t? I’ve been gifted with a great education, an ADHD brain that allows for extremely creativity, a great family, amazing friends, and a world is filled with so many stories that need to be told, so many ideas that need to be here, and so many opportunities that are ready to be taken.

To all of you who have made it through this entire thing, I want to say thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I genuinely appreciate the fact that you took the time to read this. I would really like to express that I do not want any sympathy from this, and that the whole point of writing this was to help people gain some perspective and understanding, as well as to come out to those that didn’t know I was trans. Just because we all may experience different struggles in life, it’s impossible to say that we all don’t have a list of things we love. Regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, social class, or disability, there will always be room for love. Once again, thank you for reading this, it really means a lot to me.

[barry429484077-blog]

mature in latex - 10 Ways Xhamster Mature Lesbian Can Make You Invincible

Mark - Brianna and I were an unlikely match. I am white 63" and 205lbs. I could of been the poster child of a SoCal surfer dude. Blonde hair, blue eyes and no body fat to speak of. Brianna is Blasian (Black/Asian) 58" tall with a brickhouse body (38-24-38). She is stunningly beautiful with light brown skin and intoxicatingly exotic eyes. We attended the same college and definitely ran in different crowds. She was studious and I was there to party. I had a reputation on campus with the ladies....manwhore. I had the looks and sported a thick 8 1/2" cock. I noticed Brianna one day and set my sights on my next conquest. My ego took a major hit when she would not give me the time of day. I persisted over the next few days, causing her to snap at me. Brianna unleashed on me. How I objectified women and she would not be another notch on my bedpost. I tried to play it off, but deep down I knew she was right. I was an ass whole. After much soul searching, I decided to find her and apologize. I noticed her sitting alone out in the main courtyard. I nervously asked her if I could speak to her. She looked at me for a long minute and agreed. I asked her to accept my apology for being an ass. We sat and talked for a couple hours. I walked her back to her dorm. For the first time my thoughts werent to say anything to get in a girls pants. I asked if we could meet for lunch the next day and she accepted. We spent more time together over the next month. Unbelievably, she told me she was still a virgin in her junior year of college. I joked with her about hearing rumors she was a lesbian. She said, "What?!". After recovering from a rib punch. She told me her retired army sergeant dad was very strict with his only daughter. She wasnt allowed to have boyfriends and it carried over into college. I asked her to be my girl. She new I was sexually experienced. She told me she cared for me, but wasnt ready for sex. I knew she was giving me and out. I looked in her eyes and she was tearing up. Hugging her tightly, I told her I could wait as long as it took. We had some heavy make out sessions over the next couple of months. She gave me hand jobs and became infatuated with my 8 12" dick. She let me play with her big tits and pussy through her underwear. I am not going to lie I was getting very frustrated. Unexpectedly, Brianna initiated having sex the first time. She asked me to be patient and go slow. I made it about her. I kissed and sucked on her very hard nipples. I slowly removed her panties and took my time before licking her pussy. and came squeezing my head between her thighs. Entering her with my focus on pleasing her rather than just getting mine was new for me. Her eyes were glazed over as she gasped and moaned. We fucked slowly at first as she adjusted to my size. She had at least two orgasms before I came. I looked at her amazing body while she came down from her orgasm. I was in love with her and was happy about it. We finally met each others parents after dating for a year and a half at our graduation. Her dad shook my hand clearly letting me know it wouldnt go well if I hurt his little girl. He was a big guy about my height but broader in the shoulders. Her mom was Thai very beautiful and petite. I am the spitting image of my dad. My mom was tall at 510" with long slender legs and amazing blue eyes. I surprised everyone (except my dad he helped me buy the ring) including Brianna at dinner. I got on bent knee and proposed. The look her dad gave me made me pause for just a second. Her dad Ray cut me some slack when he found out I was getting commissioned in the Army. They were an Army family. Brianas two older brothers were already enlisted. Ray pulled me aside and verbalized what I had been picking up on with his looks. He said, "treat her right and you and I will get along." I knew he meant every word. I left for training that summer. Receiving my first assignment after completing the training. We were going to Germany! Brianna and I were married and off we went to start our life together. The first year was all about us. We lived in a small house about ten miles from the base. I loved being a platoon leader. Brianna was doing some part time teaching at the base school. Our home life was great. We studied German together and traveled when we could. We were having sex frequently and over time Brianna was my best sex partner ever. Brianna was so humble she really didnt realize how good looking she was. Her humility was one of the things I loved about her. She could have been so vain looking the way she did. Army officers and their wives were required to attend socials. We were often the youngest couple at these events. I would have to take a lot of crap from higher ranking officers mostly in jest. Brianna regularly turned heads and was always the center of attention. I would often overhear comments made about her body, ass or full lips. My first reaction was to get angry. Over time this anger eventually turned to pride and then fantasies. Before I met Brianna I experienced a few threesomes. Buddies and I would share a girls. I even had sex with two bi-sexual girls once. The attention Brianna was getting combined with my past experiences fueled some pretty hot fantasies. My current platoon sergeant transferred out. His replacement was a muscular Peurto Rican. Louis was in his late thirties and came across hard. He was 511" and 220lbs of muscle, tattoos and scars. The prominent scar on his left cheek was a nice accessary. He later told me he got it in a street fight before he joined the army. His mom made him join the army because it was safer than his neighborhood. I couldnt match Louis in hand-to-hand combat. But I was more than a match running and swimming. We had a very competitive relationship. He was my subordinate, but we became more like brothers over time. We would grab a few beers after work every day. I learned he was divorced with two kids he missed very much. He blamed himself because he couldnt keep his dick in his pants. One day, he looked at me over his beer and said, "How did a geek like you land a babe like your wife... sir?" I responded, "with good looks and a big dick." He replied, "I thought officers were always honest?". We laughed it off but all the while I was thinking, holy shit Louis has the hots for my wife. On the drive home all I could think about was Brianna having sex with Louis. Brianna and other significant others would regularly watch us play softball. Brianna though Louis was very intimidating. This one particular softball game Brianna sat with some of the single girls. She overheard gossip about Louis and his sexual prowess. During dinner, Brianna cleared her throat and said she overheard some of the enlisted girls talking about Louis. By this time she was blushing and couldnt make eye contact. I was all ears at this point. Louis was making a name for himself with the ladies. I laughed and said well he is single and spends half his life in the gym. I said, "I thought guys like that were jerks.". She replied, "they are!". She changed the subject to her day teaching. I tried to listen to her , but my mind drifted to her and Louis. We were having sex that night and she was very excited. I again fantasized about Louis fucking her. I was fucking her from behind. Her big hard ass was slamming back against me. I blurted out, "imagine its Louis fucking you." She moaned slamming back even harder. I looked in the mirror, the look of lust on her face was intense. I got bolder and asked her, "if she wanted to fuck him." She didnt answer, moaning louder. I asked again, her head lowered to the mattress and she screamed, "yaaaaaas!" She experienced the most intense orgasm ever. It was too much for me and I blasted in her pussy. We lay there catching our breaths in total silence. She finally cuddled up next to me. She guiltily told me I was the only man she wanted or needed. I didnt push the topic. However, I drifted off to sleep thinking about Louis fucking Brianna. The next weekend we had a two-day softball tournament. I sprained my ankle during the last mature sleeping sex game of the day. An medic iced it down and gave me some crutches. Brianna had been drinking so I asked Louis to drive us home. She was pretty chatty on the way home. I dont know if it was the booze or her nerves being around Louis. I was thinking about my plan. I took a shower leaving them alone. When I came out I caught Louis looking at her ass while she made us something to eat. He quickly looked away, grabbing me a beer from the cooler. Brianna brought us food, excusing herself to go take a shower. Louis .was looking through our movie collection. I told him to pick one out. He selected "9 1/2 Weeks", a favorite of mine. He asked, "if it was a bad choice?". I gave him our hand signal for negative. Brianna came out looking refreshed wearing one of my t-shirts. Her big tits and ass were still pretty obvious. I noticed she put on makeup as well. She joined me on the couch and I passed her a beer. It took her a minute to realize what we were watching. When she did she gave me "the look". During the movie we were all quiet. Brianna would sneak glances over at Louis and turn back to the movie. After the movie ended I asked Brianna to get Louis a towel and some clean clothes. She looked at me like I was crazy. She returned with a towel and clothes. Louis was barely out of the room and Brianna asked, "What the hell are you thinking?" I calmly looked at her and said, "I cant drive him back and hes been drinking. Are you willing to drive him back?" She punched me in the ribs knowing the answer. I took a deep breath and told Brianna I wanted us to live out a fantasy. She looked confused and then said, "are your fricking crazy?" I replied, "maybe I am, I cant get it out of my mind". She said, "I dont think I could do anything and definitely not in front of my husband." Louis came out at that moment wearing shorts and a tank top. We both had seen his arm and calf tattoos before. Now you could partially see his back tattoo. I asked him to show us and he pulled mature women in bathing suits up the back of his shirt. Brianna said, "Oh my gosh!" I am not sure it was the beautiful mosaic tattoo that covered most of his back. Or his washboard abs and large pectorals. Brianna said she always wanted a tattoo but her dad would kill her. Louis looked at her and said, "Youre not your daddys little girl anymore." A look past between them that emboldened me. I thought to myself no guts no glory. Brianna was acting nervous. I took a deep breath and said, "Louis I want you and Brianna to have sex.". Louis stopped in mid drink. Brianna just looked down at the floor. I asked Louis, "do you want to have sex with Brianna?". Louis responded, "She is very beautiful." I said, "that wasnt my question." He looked at Brianna and said, "yes." Briannas head snpped up looking straight at Louis. I asked Brianna the same question. She replied, "yes". Brianna turned to me saying she was to nervous to do anything in front of me. I told her I would stay on the couch. I wanted her to do this. She sat back and thought for a minute. Brianna asked, "Are you sure?". I kissed her and whispered yes in her ear. She got up and walked over to Louis holding out her hand. I could see he nipples stiffening though her shirt. She led him into our bedroom. The last thing I saw before the door closed was her lifting the shirt over her head. I laid there for what seemed like an eternity. I thought she was going to change her mind and burst out of the bedroom. Then I heard her start to moan and gasp. My dick was instantly got hard , it was really happening! She let out a long gasp saying, "Please go slow.". The bed was making a slow rhythmic squeaking sound as her moans grew louder. I could tell she was trying to be quiet when she started blowing her air out instead of moaning. Louis started really laying the pipe. Between the bed springs and Briannas moaning it sounded like a rock concert. She was crying out, "Fuck me!", "God your dick feels so good!". She came screaming, "Yes! Cum in my pussy!" I cleaned my own cum up using my shirt. Laying there replaying the whole thing over in my mind. I dont know how much time passed. Brianna began moaning again. The bed was squeaking like crazy. They fucked for a while ending with Brianna cumming again very vocally. For more info in regards to pictures of milfs fucking review our own web-site. I finally drifted off to sleep waking up to the smell of bacon cooking. Brianna came out looking freshly showered. She couldnt make eye contact with me. She started picking up and tossed Louis uniform in the wash. I grabbed her as she walked past me and pulled her to my lap. I told her I loved her and I was ok with what happened if she was. Her eyes watered up and she kissed me. I knew she was experiencing some inner turmoil. But we would work through it together Louis handed her a plate and she went at it hungrily. I said, "looks like you worked up a serious appetite.". We all busted up laughing and that seemed to drain the tension out of the air. The next few days were surreal. We had only been married two years and I let another man fuck my wife! I couldnt believe how much I was turned on by what happened. Brianna was still clearly confused about her feelings about what happened. She was married and it was wrong. She felt guilty because she enjoyed the sex. What would her dad say! We talked for hours about what happened. We came to a mutual conclusion we wanted it to happen again. She wanted to include me but still wasnt comfortable enough. I told her I could wait. I cornered Louis who had been trying to avoid me. Hard to do when we sit in the same office. We went for a beer after work. I told him everything was fine. Brianna was ok and said she enjoyed it. I mentioned she and I would be at the club Friday night. Brianna - I was raised in a strict conservative home. Dating Mark was a big step for me. When we eventually had sex I was hooked. Mark was patient and a good teacher and I fell deeply in love with him. When he proposed to me it was the happiest day in my life. The fact my dad didnt shoot him was the second happiest day of my life. I was determined to be the best wife in all the history of wifedom. It was a fairy tale I moving to foreign country with my prince charming. I enjoyed being on Marks arm at his socials knowing many of the other women envied me. I was always confident about my looks but never thought of myself as gorgeous. Mark started telling me about some of the off hand comments made by the other soldiers about me. I just told him it was the testosterone talking. I didnt mention it was very flattering. When I heard some other women talking about Louis, whom I thought was intimidating. I was shocked initially. Then embarrassed about what they were saying. I had to admit he was sexy milf in that bad boy kind of way. I dont know why I just didnt keep it to myself. I mentioned the conversation about Louis to Mark. He jokingly laughed it off and I felt embarrassed about bringing it up. Angry at myself for the thoughts I was having. That night Mark was really getting it in. He repeatedly brought up Louis. I did imagine it was Louis pounding my pussy. I had a toe curling orgasm. Afterwards, I panicked and told him it could never happen for real and that he was my one and only. When Mark asked Louis to drive us home after he sprained his ankle. My first though was, why not one of the other guys?. On the drive home my mind was all over the place. Was I making more out of this than what was really there? I was to nervous to sit alone with Louis while Mark showered. I went into the kitchen to make dinner. I felt like I was being watched. It was probably my booze amplified imagination. I went and took a shower trying to clear my head. I composed myself and went back out to the living room. The next thing I know I am watching soft porn! I made a mental note to give Mark hell later. I couldnt help looking at Louis during the movie wondering what he was thinking. The movie ended and Mark asked me to get Louis a towel and clean clothes. I thought, "what the hell!. While Louis was gone Mark brings up his fantasy again. I started to freaking out. For some crazy reason I thought about what my dad would say! I told Mark I couldnt do it and definitely not with him in the same room. Before I could choke Mark. Louis came out from the other room. It was hard not to look at his body. He had an amazing body covered in beautiful tattoos. When I saw his back tattoo I started feeling tingly all over. Still thinking no way in hell could I do anything.....maybe. Now I was super nervous and my mind was going from the gutter back to my dad losing his mind. Then Mark turns the world upside down. When he asked Louis if he wanted to have sex with me and his answer was yes. My first thought was, "he wants me!". The I thought, "Oh me GOD, I cant!". When I looked at Louis and saw he was serious. My nipples started getting hard and my pussy wet. There was no doubt in my mind I wanted him at that moment. I told Mark I was too nervous. When he told me he would stay in the living room. I knew I was losing this battle. I took a deep breath and decided to go for it before I changed my mind. I led Louis into our bedroom not looking back. If I looked back I would have chickened out. I walked in removed my shirt staring straight ahead. When I heard the door close I considered running back out. Louis pressed against me and cupped my breast testing their weight. He started kissing my neck and I tensed up. He asked me if I wanted him to stop. I answered, "No.". I felt his hard dick against me as he tweaked my very hard nipples. He removed my panties and turned me to face him. I let my hand trace down his chest over his ripped stomach to his cock. Marks cock is longer but not as thick. I couldnt come close to wrapping my hand around him. Louis led me onto the bed where we kissed and he went down on me. I had to push him away because I was about to cum. I was trying to be quiet. He kissed his way up and sucked on my rock hard nipples. I was getting so hot and when he started rubbing his big dick up and down my pussy. I hissed, put it in!. When he started I had second thoughts the pressure was crazy. I asked him to go slow. I think I started a slow long orgasm before he took his first stroke. He started fucking me in earnest and I dont know how many times I came. His dick seemed to be hitting every nerve ending in my pussy at the same time. He started breathing heavily. He asked me where he should cum. I remember screaming, "in my pussy!" We laid there in the afterglow. I started thinking about Mark. I couldnt believe how quickly I forgot about Mark being in the next room. Louis fucked me senseless and I loved it. How could I forget about him? I wanted to go out to him but was unsure of how he would react to me enjoying it so much. I ended up falling asleep. Louis woke me sucking my nipples and rubbing my pussy. He pulled me on top and I reached between us and guided him inside me. I still had to work him in slowly, but it felt so good. I rode him as he played with my tits and ass for quite a while. I was so into turned on I know I was getting loud. I squatted over him and bounced up and down as hard and fast as I could. Louis flipped my on my back and pounded my pussy. I had my hands on his ass pulling into me. I came with my face buried in his shoulder. He came shortly after me, filling me up for the second time that night. He collapsed on top of me with his big chest smashed against my big tits. I no longer was nervous and I knew my life had changed forever. I woke up to an empty bed and breakfast cooking. I went into the bathroom. Looking in the mirror I looked a mess. My hair looked like Medusa, bite marks on my breast and my lipstick smeared making all over my face. Al around my mouth my skin was red from whisker burns. I took a shower and went to face the music. Mark was eating and very talkative. I was to nervous to look at him. Then he pulls me onto his lap and tells me everything is ok. I was so scared he would regret what happened and be mad that I clearly enjoyed myself. I looked at Louis and knew I wanted to fuck him again. Not at the risk of losing Mark though. I was so confused. I fretted about it for a couple days and then Mark and I talked. He finally convinced me we were ok and he wanted to do it again. The next day Mark said we were going out dancing Friday night. Dancing is something I love to do. I also wondered if Louis would be there. I was both nervous and excited. But what would my daddy say! /u/HomeFlipper1970