#my rejection sensitivity dysphoria used to go crazy around this guy!!!!

[britneyshakespeare]

Who sends their high school classmate a Facebook friend request six years after they've graduated

[vizthedatum]

I am slowly regulating.

It helps to talk with my friends and share memes or cute things with them.

Had a rough morning.

I hate it when all the feelings bubble up while I'm in such intense pain... and I know INTELLECTUALLY what I need to do but I need the whole fucking world to shut up for a few minutes or maybe a million years.

I hate that I get so overstimulated. I hate that I used to just "hold it together" until I couldn't - instead of just feeling what I feel. I hate that I couldn't tell some SUPER ANNOYING GUY today to just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP GIVING ME UNSOLICITED ADVICE ABOUT MY PAIN, FLAT TIRE, AND OTHER ISSUES.

I got a lot of stuff moved around and sorted I think. Life is okay - I have a lot going for me.

Chronic pain is so stupid. It really fucks up everything.

My RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) is driving me up the wall.

I hate feeling like a loser. and unwanted. and dumb. and crazy. and unattractive. and unseemly. And everything my brain is telling me that I am because I can't handle other people seeing me vulnerable like this.

I hate that I just can't be cool and accept real rejection.

So I just create all the rejections in my head and protect myself before I can get hurt again.

Because being hurt sucks. It sucks. It sucks. I can't get hurt again. I just can't. Even though I know it will happen. I know that I'm keeping people in my life who won't intentionally hurt me. I know that hurt will happen anyway.

I'm so upset that my parents hurt me. I'm so upset that my ex-spouse hurt me. I hate them all. I hate all the exes who hurt me just to feel better about themselves. I hate how they put me down. I hate how they couldn't be gentle with me about my transness. I hate that people couldn't be honest with me. I hate that people couldn't leave when they realized they WERE FUCKING BENEATH ME.

THEY'RE ALL FUCKING BENEATH ME AND HERE I AM FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF BECAUSE I THINK I'M SCUM WHEN I KNOW I'M JUST HAVING CHRONIC PAIN AND HAVING A ROUGH TIME.

[miyori999]

Classic Gaslighting and BPD

I sound like a bit of a jerk, but this was a discussion I had with my mom. Keep in mind that I never once yelled back at her.

Me: "Mom, I'm gone during the work week! I can't help out in the yard on those days, because I'm gone for nine hours that day." Mom: "All I'm asking for is a little help and neither of you (me & bro) will help me." Me: "Who does the dishes every day? Who takes out the trash at five am every morning? Who scoops the litter boxes every day? Who vacuu--" Mom: "Girl. Stop!" Me: "I pay rent. I clean the house. I pay the electric bill. I do work in the yard just about every Sunday and Monday. I'm the only one of us that has a job." Mom: "You think you're better than me? You know I'm disabled! I have a di-sa-bil-i-ty!" Me: "That's not what I meant!" Mom: "Who f*cking drives you everywhere?" Me: "Mom. I take the bus. You literally drive me one mile from the stop home." Mom: "I buy groceries, I pick up medications--" Me: "When was the last time you actually went in a store?" Mom: "F*ck off." Me: "Mom!" Mom: "You always use the job thing like it's so important that you--" Me: "No, I was only using it to say I'm not at home, so obviously I can't do things at a place where I'm not at." Me: "(my bro) is home all day.' Mom: "Yeah, but I can't get his lazy @$$ to help me with anything anyways." Me: "So why are you yelling at me? Why are you putting pressure on the person who actually does stuff around the house." Mom: "Leave." Me: "Mom. I never said I *wouldn't* help, I just *can't* help because I'm physically not available during the week." Mom: "Just leave me alone." Me: *near tears* "Okay."

*7 minutes later*

Mom: *knocks on door, asks, smiling like nothing happened,* "Would you make some chilli dogs for dinner?" Me: *still frustrated because we literally* just *had an argument* "For everyone or just like me and (bro)" Mom: "Three dogs, your dad just wants chilli." Me: "Not a problem."

Also of note, I also have a disability. Multiple if you factor in PTSD and my hearing aid. I’m very much coming to terms with the fact that my mom treats me differently than when I was a little kid. Almost as soon as I graduated high school, I became a person in her eyes, and she hates people. She started yelling at me, and doing this sort of thing. I am a very stubborn and strong-willed person, but I love and respect her, so I never stand up for myself when she does things like this, because I am well aware that I’ll come off feeling like a jerk. I still do after this, because I said some things more flippantly than I meant (who does x, who does y).  What’s going on here though is something I just recognized as happening to me. I never thought of gaslighting as anything a person does unintentionally. It always seemed malicious and narcissistic. My mom doesn’t actually want to make me feel “crazy” or hurt me, she just...is like this. She has Borderline Personality Disorder, which means she only views things in black and white. Even if our house is spotless, it’s actually filthy to her because the cat’s scratch post is kinda ratty (from the cats using it). She yells at me for napping after work (I work from 7am-4pm) instead of raking up the yard and using the wheelbarrow to deposit bark into out dump pile. For not immediately watering the garden. For not pulling weeds, and all that before taking my nap. I’m still cooking dinner about half the time, I still vacuum, sweep and do the dishes every night after my nap, and by the time I finish I have about an hour to relax or shower before bed. 

I don’t have children to take care of like she did at my age, I know it could be a lot harder, especially if I worked full-time, but you choose to have children. I’m living at home out of necessity because even if I was working full-time at something that wasn’t barely over minimum wage, I couldn’t afford an apartment yet. I don’t even have enough saved up for a security deposit.

What Bothers Me Most is the Gaslighting. How she yells at me, and tells me how lazy I am, and tells me to leave me alone, and then a few minutes later acts like everything is fine and dandy. How she ignores what I mean for one or two specific words I use out of a sentence. It’s terrible and awful and I know she is this way because of her disability but I just can’t continue to excuse it. I’m also terrified that I’ll become used to this. That I’ll end up with a guy who’s just abused me but then makes popcorn to watch a movie with me a half hour later. Or worse. I’ll start doing it myself. I don’t want to become her. Every single one of my coworkers I’ve had is impressed with my work ethic. Every single one of them thinks I work too hard, and thinks it’s sweet that I help them with work once I’ve finished mine. The office ladies at the two schools I work at are always telling me I’m a sweetheart even though I only see them a couple minutes a day. One of them told me today that I’m the only one in my position that actually keeps an accurate log of my hours, and how I could fudge the hours up a bit. I’m way too honest to do a thing like that, though, in addition to how hard I work at what I do. This is both because I always give my mom 120% and it’s still not good enough, and it also feeds into my ADHD in the most awful of ways  

“ …people with adhd cope with this huge emotional elephant in two main ways, which are not mutually exclusive.

1. they become people pleasers.  they scan every person they meet to figure out what that person admires and praises.  then, that’s the false self they present.  often this becomes such a dominating goal that they forget what they actually wanted from their own lives.  they are too busy making sure other people aren’t displeased with them.”                                 https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/

I just...I wanted to...I don’t know.