#my self esteem is shot

[a-lamb-lady]

SO IM PLAYING A DND STARCRAFT CAMPAIGN

AND I GOT A NAT TWENTY AND DID A HUNDRED DAMAGE AND FUCKING OBLITERATED THIS ULTRALISK

[jimmyspades]

[dimsilver]

🔫

[ya-gurl-emily]

What are you supposed to do when you finish a collection? honest question.

(a transformers collection memiour I guess?)

For reference: about 4 years ago (Holy shit it's been 4 years, covid time is fucked up) I got really into transformers,

it started by just wanting a fidget toy for my desk so I got Kingdom Arcee because I liked her as a kid and I was feeling very #Girl (also cause the only bumblebee was the ww2 buggy that I regret not picking up)

But that toy kinda sucked ass so I got 86 Jazz, followed by Kingdom Optimus because cmon it's the big man himself.

So yeah I figured this was just a hobby now so I gave myself a goal: Complete the main cast of Transformers Prime

Honestly I picked an amazing time to get into toy collecting, Just late enough that I wasn't stuck with siege figures or bad covid QC, but early enough that I got some basic G1 cast before legacy (like genuinely Bulkhead and Arcee in wave 1?? Along with my personal Glup shitto Dragstrip? It was made for me)

It's been a blast, it's so satisfying seeing my cast grow, I love finding old figures at any cons I go to (I got classics Bee and Thrilling 30 springer at my first comic-con and those 2 are amazing)

But that idea of having the complete tfp cast was always in the back of my mind and any casts I completed along the way were fun bonuses (07 movie cast, Devastation autobots, RID 2015 and I don't even like that show)

But now that's just about finished, I don't have literally every character in the show, I'm missing a few one off episode characters that I don't care enough to get (I'm not spending 60 euro on dreadwing again just because he's green, also tfp cliff looks sick but it's bundled with 90 euro worth of toys I don't want (also it's fucking cliffjumper, he'll get a new toy eventually) )

But yeah... Now what?

I still like transformers, there's stuff I'm excited for but there's no long term goal, yknow?

I'm already struggling to justify this to myself as is whenever I put a new toy on display I have an honest to God existential crisis about what I'm doing with my life

(I nearly cried transforming spoiler nemesis prime for this reason) but then a day or 2 passes and it's back to being sick

Idk it's a weird feeling, not bittersweet, more like, yeah okay, that's cool I guess (granted I still haven't taken a photo of them all together so maybe my brain hasn't fully registered that it's happened, we'll see)

Anyways tldr: funny toy robots briefly made me feel alive and that's gone now

[puppys-rhythm-heaven]

i'm surprised i still haven't listened to big shot more than either of these-

[rialitysworld]

my bestie’s roommate who is also one of the best drag performers ever introducing me to her friends: this is ria, she is gorgeous

[bcneheaded]

thinking about my tiefling cleric of kelemvor uuuhh tempest domain tav...... thinking about how he secretly thinks its a little funny that his god is kelemvor and his Thing is Electricity. If frankenstein exists in faerun..... he's absolutely read that as a child and was like.... c o o l... but reverse frankenstein.... thinking about my lolth sworn drow tav and how he is technically evil, but not a monster. he's deeply devout to lolth in maybe a like... simultaneously deeper yet Calmer(tm) way than most, and how before he finds out about The Truth (AHEM..) he instantly hates Minthara and thinks of her as a traitor for essentially being a heretic and betraying Lolth (but then feeling a little bad about it later when AHEM AHEM yknow. truths. if only because he's an absolute dummy and despite being evil Lite he also found her very pretty and ambitious and dominant jufydFGD)

also thinking about my half-orc draconic bloodline sorcerer, Roselyn, raised in baldurs gate in a very healthy happy family but ended up very self-conscious and sweet and sincere despite being Very Large and Scary and Strong. thinking about how shes very pretty and soft hearted and stuff but people see a half orc and. Stare. yk. and growing up, she ended up very self conscious about the scales on her face and used to try to cover them up <:' ) ended up anxious because of her magic. the whole ''learn to wield it or literally die'' thing iujghdgdf THINKING about how the big ol amazonian ass woman will literally melt into a puddle if you call her Rosie or compliment her bc she doesnt know how to take it, so she just ends up giggling and blushing like an idiot and then gets internally frustrated with herself jusdhfjdgfdGD 'GODS ROSIE you're sO EASY UGH' yk ykyk gfdgfdhd

thinking foREVER about my dragonborn durge bard, Fel (happy accident, that name).... because...... good route.... lots of praise and ''proud of you'''s. no spoilers jgjfgjfg but my favourite playthru handsdown.... oog

[buddyup1]

Worst thing you can do as a parent is constantly compare your kid to an older sibling who made several fuck ups and constantly tell them you're worried they'll make the same fuck ups :')

[claudiajcregg]

one of the things i love about your writing the most is how much detail and feeling you imbue in every (EVERY) line. you're so talented, and so attuned to every piece of a scene–it shows with every. single. line. i look forward to everything you write because i know it's going to have so much thought & feeling & consideration built into every little snippet. everyone in this fandom is so lucky to have you here: you're my favourite writer, hands down, and i'm always waiting to see what's next!

Thank you for your kind words, anon 🥺🥺😭😭😭 What follows will likely be me, not being able to take a compliment, but this made me cry. (And I think I needed to do some of that after the week of self-doubt and lack of self-esteem about all of this I've had.)

ngl, I've been reading this all day, and it continues to blow my mind (and I might have cried a little). I don't really believe I'm anyone's favorite writer, but it's such a sweet thing to say.

You aren't the first person to compliment me on scene work, so I might start to finally believe it! I just... see scenes clearly, but feel like I can never fully express them the way I want to. So I try to work around that best I can. Excessive detail. (One of the many 'writing in your second language' limitations? maybe!)

As for new stuff... Lots of things written (more than will ever see the light of day, tbh *points to ESL, lack of confidence, not wanting to be a bother*), but I haven't been feeling up to editing them. Hopefully soon! I also need to ramp up studying/doing practice tests for the theoretical driving test right about now, so I can sit it at the end of the month. I promise the works number will go up before my birthday!

[sassygwaine]

ed already left once…of course stede thought he’d be okay on his own…

[skylordhorus]

the emotional whiplash today of the truly Visceral upset i get any time anyone brings up any kind of.. not even just formal education but like. group education. where i have to produce some kind of specific result or be judged in some capacity. i cant describe the feeling; its just so all-encompassing. fear and defiance. And anger i think. A lot of fucking anger. i know now that when my counsellor or my mum brings it up that theyre not trying to push me down that road, i think its like. Shared anger that school was such a trauma that i, someone who loves learning, feels the need to shut off an entire large educational path. But ive been hurt so bad that it feels like an atfack. And a betrayal. Idk

Anyway theres all that today PLUS my counsellor earnestly told me that she thinks im a remarkable person and that its been a privilege getting to know me and that she knows that is/would be a shared sentiment among others and thats just. A lot. Ive been crying abt that in particular all evening

[daz4i]

have to clear up that while i am (mostly) joking every time i leave these "ladies... I'm available" tags or anything like it i am in fact also inviting you at the same time. yes i am aro so you won't get some meaningful relationship out of it but i am also a whore and you are very welcomed to take advantage of that, if you so please

[lonelyquail]

quirkygirling it up every time i go outside to assert my lack of dominance

[spikeisdaddy]

I hate feeling like this

[faulix]

man i need to see my therapist

[artificial-horizon]

think i'm gonna fuck around and stop taking T tbh... i'm ready for part 2 of my transition