#my sense of self even now at 34 is so fragile and i often feel like i'm still finding my feet as a person

[wild-at-mind]

I love writing my random shit on here, as a venue where I'm even the slightest bit anonymous but it still feels a little companiable, but I will say that I was feeling ok about myself today and then I scrolled tumblr for about half and hour and felt totally shit. No particular one thing caused it that I can think of, it was just the social media sickness I guess. So not sure what to do with that but I think I should learn from it.

[lawrenceop]

HOMILY for 17th Sunday after Pentecost (Dominican rite)

Eph 4:1-6; Matt 22:34-46

“Love God, and love your neighbour” – this summation of the “great commandment” is so well-known. But maybe we know it too well because we often miss a crucial part, the bit that always strikes me most: “Love your neighbour as yourself” (Mt 22:39). And then I wonder, do I actually love myself?

For there always seems to be something about ourselves that we don’t love: our weight, our looks, our bodies. And so, many people religiously take themselves to the gym, or put themselves on special diets, or even undergo surgery to change their bodies. Or maybe we just don’t love who we are now – we feel like a nobody. And so some think that buying a new smartphone, or becoming a social media influencer, or even having the ‘right’ friends can make them somebody. But, often, what we’re doing is just finding different ways, through possessions or status or achievements to mask our fear – a fundamental fear of being found out that we’re really a nobody. Or at least, that’s how many people can see themselves. And it’s mainly because they don’t really love themselves. For, very often, many people can just about manage to love a version of themselves, a version that’s either acted out or projected into the future. And, sadly, for some people, belief in God and having a religious faith adds to the pressure – some might feel that we need to perform and behave properly and prove our worth to God.

But not if, as St Paul says in the epistle, we were “called to the one hope that belongs to your call”. For our hope is not placed in ourselves and our worth and on what we do. Rather our hope is in Christ and on what he has accomplished once and for all on the Cross. As St Paul says, our hope is in “one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one Father of us all.” And so, our Gospel, our Christian Faith, the Faith of the Church, says that God is Love.

What this means is that we don’t have to prove anything to anyone. God just loves you; he loves me. And the proof of God’s unchanging love is the fundamental fact that you and I exist; we have life and being. For our very being, and all that is – all created things – are constantly held in being, maintained in existence, by the power of God’s Love. If God stopped loving us, stopped willing our being, we would simply cease to exist at all. Hence, we Christians know that the fact that we’re around at all is because God, pure Love himself, simply wants us to be. We don’t have to prove our worth – it just matters to God that you and I exist. For in God’s eyes every human person is a somebody, and he loves each and every human being so much that he became Human alongside us, and suffered and died for us. “One Lord, one faith, one baptism”, says St Paul. And through holy Baptism, Christ claims us for himself, and says that we belong to God our Father.

It was with joy, therefore, that I read in the newspaper this past week of the baptism of a child called Wilfred. He was baptised at Westminster Cathedral, and so saved from his sins, and incorporated with you and me into the Mystical Body of Christ. Together with him, and indeed, together with all the baptised, no matter what they have done, we objectively share through this one baptism: one Lord, one faith, one hope, one Father of us all.

I was especially dismayed and surprised, therefore, to see a number of Catholics going online and decrying this baptism because of the moral actions of little Wilfred’s parents. Wilfred Johnson’s father, as it happens, is currently Prime Minister of this country, and Wilfred’s mother, Carrie Symonds, is herself a Catholic. The moral irregularity of their relationship, and the personal morality of the parents of Wilfred is, for some, an impediment to Wilfred’s baptism. Some have said, shockingly, that Wilfred should not have been baptised because he had such unworthy parents who had done such scandalous things, and were living in sin.

In reply, let me turn to St Paul: “God shows his love for us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.” (Rom 5:8) The problem, it seems to me, is that some Catholics still think that man has to be worthy of baptism; that we have to prove our worth before God before he can love us, before we can have access to his grace. But this is heresy. Last Monday was St Matthew’s feast day, and the Gospel for that day reminded us of Our Lord’s rebuke to the Pharisees: “Go and learn what this means, `I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.' For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mt 9:13) For again and again the Lord confronts us with this basic awesome truth: that one is called into being; that we exist and have life; and that he offers us the grace of salvation not because we are lovable, but because he, our Saviour and God, is Love. But if we do not know and experience the gratuitous love of God, then it is harder to love ourselves, and even harder, then, to love others.  

We find the fact of God’s love hard to to grasp because our experience of love is often far too human – there is always some self-interest in our human loving which is why we have an anxiety about not being ‘good enough’, ‘pretty enough’, ‘funny enough’, &c. for others to love us. But God’s perfect love means that he gains nothing from us, needs nothing from us, wants nothing from us. Pure Love just wants to give, and pour himself out for our sake, for our good, for our delight. Thus God gives us life and salvation as a gift which means that your very existence, your being, you, are a gift; a grace.

Ours, therefore, is a Gospel of grace, and this is the crux of our Christian Faith. Do we believe in this pure Love? Do we believe that God loves us even if we think we’re unlovable? Indeed, God loves me, even if others think I’m unloveable? Too many people think that God’s love is conditional, and that we have to earn God’s love, and this terrible heresy keeps many people away from the true Faith. Therefore, St Paul proclaims our “one hope” in Christ alone, and in his love for all men, made visible on the Cross. Many people say they do not believe in God, but we Christians say that regardless of that God believes in them, which is why he gives life to all people – both good or evil – and he offers salvation to all Mankind through Jesus Christ… even if your dad is Boris Johnson! Only our God of Love is like this, and it is him the Church bears witness to, it is him that we preach.

Belief in the gratuity of God’s love for you, for me, is the most crucial thing if we’re to live out the great commandment. Hence Pope Benedict XVI said: “Those who are unloved cannot even love themselves. This sense of being accepted comes in the first instance from other human beings. But all human acceptance is fragile. Ultimately we need a sense of being accepted unconditionally. Only if God accepts me, and I become convinced of this, do I know definitively: it is good that I exist. It is good to be a human being. If ever man’s sense of being accepted and loved by God is lost, then there is no longer any answer to the question whether to be a human being is good at all.”

Brothers and sisters, if we wonder why so many in our world are sad, joyless, and in despair, and many turn to the false acceptances of drugs and pornography, it is because tragically many of us do not love ourselves. And we cannot because we do not know the profound love of God. We might have been told it, but we have not experienced it. The Dominican theologian Fr Herbert McCabe suggests that if we want to know God’s love, we must begin with gratitude, which means being thankful for what is, thankful for the gift of being alive, with my particular gifts and circumstances, and not just wishing that things were different, that I was better looking, thinner, cleverer, richer, or whatever. Rather, ponder these words of St Paul: the one God is “Father of us all, who is above all and through all and in all.” Sometimes, this love for myself, and gratitude for who I am requires an act of faith.

Therefore, McCabe says that “it is our faith that God loves us that makes us able to love ourselves and, through that, to be grateful for the gift of ourselves. This gratitude for being is the first thing we mean by loving God”. From this comes gratitude for the gift of my person, my humanity, of me, which means that I don’t want to harm myself by sinning. Rather, I love myself, and so I love God by trying to to live and use my body, my mind, my whole being in a way that glorifies him, the Giver of every good gift (cf James 1:17). This is what it is to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind” (Mt 22:37) And then, finally, we can love our neighbour as ourselves. This means that we are grateful for who they are, that they exist, and we see the other person as God’s gift. It means that we delight in them, and in their being around. And it means that we care for their happiness and flourishing too which is why we want to reach out to them, and we rejoice when they are baptised and can receive the sacraments, and we pray for the grace of repentance and for a daily deeper conversion to Christ throughout their lives. We pray that they will love God more and more. This is my prayer for Wilfred Johnson, and for his mum and dad, and indeed, for all people, for this is how I can best love my neighbour: I pray, in the words of Our Lady of the Rosary at Fatima, that God will “lead all souls to heaven, especially those in most need of God’s mercy.”

Photo credit: Crown Copyright

[theliterateape]

Before You Go All-in on Antifa, Try Becoming Antifra First

by Don Hall

The laughter at my expense was not the kind of guffawing that accompanies a sense of genial ribbing but of Biff Tannen cracking up at the awkward geekiness of George McFly.

"What do you think queer means, Don?"

"I always thought queer meant gay."

Laughter. "No. Queer means refusing to accept the binary in sex."

"Isn't that bisexual?"

Cackles. "No. Bisexual is having a sexual attraction to both biological sexes."

"Who the fuck decided that? Was there a memo sent out?"

The evolution of language is, taken as a long tail concept, natural. When the Miriam Webster Dictionary enters finna (contraction. DIALECT•US, verb. finna: going to; intending to. "I'm finna make a scene") one has to grudgingly accept the fact. It is both the codifying of slang as standard and the pushing the envelope of common dialect. It can get confusing but it is as normal as language itself.

The term fragile is very popular in 2021 but I'm not certain the people who use it as a political label have an understanding of what it means. The redefinition seems to be a synonym for defensive but that isn't even close to the original so it doesn't play. Considering how loaded the term has become politically, I'd suggest we take a look at the pre-DiAngelo meaning and embrace it some before we continue forcing the evolution.

Back to that handy tome of mutual agreement of terms, the dictionary has a few definitions of fragile:"easily broken or damaged", "flimsy or insubstantial; easily destroyed.", and "not strong or sturdy; delicate and vulnerable".

A nine year old boy is enticed to have penetrative sex with his fourteen year old babysitter one afternoon while his little sister watches Joe Namath as "C.C. Ryder" on the television a room away. 

This is either molestation or an uncomfortably early rite of passage. The argument can be made that a nine year old cannot give consent but that's not how I remember it. A more fragile person might see this experience as traumatic. He might internalize shame and let the shame fester until he finally explodes like a liter of Diet Coke and a Mento tab. An anti fragile person might see it as no different than playing in the streets when the sewers back up the neighborhood becomes a river in the rain. No stigma, no shame, no harm.

The anti fragile adult is going to have a happier life if not the attention lauded upon a fragile victim of circumstances beyond his control.

I was a latchkey kid.

We lived in an apartment complex on the less than affluent side of town. Mom worked several jobs and the step-dad at the time was a preening, disco-dancing domestic abuser. As such, I found myself out and about without a lot of safety nets in place. I played in a septic ditch just on the outer parameter of the complex. On the other side was an abandoned housing development and I frequently went over there alone to practice my karate (which I thought I was learning from watching David Carradine in Kung Fu, a popular episodic featuring a white man posing as an Asian man who saved people with his peaceful but forceful side kicks). I’d kick holes in the drywall pretending it was comprised of bad guys.

On the north side was, in my mind, a forest but in reality was just a bunch of trees in several abandoned lots. Whenever I ran away from home (a feat that usually lasted until I was tired or hungry) I would go to my forest and “read” the tattered copies of Playboy and Penthouse I had stolen from the aforementioned step-parent.

To the south was a playground for the kids in the complex. A rickety swing set, a teeter-totter, and a broken merry-go-round surrounded by garbage dumpsters. A cursory examination of the dumpsters—a routine activity for a vagabond third grader—revealed a coterie of used hypodermic needles, marijuana roaches, empty liquor bottles and fast food trash.

It’s likely that parents reading this have already crossed themselves or knocked on wood in deference to the fact that their children would never be put in these positions. That their children are safe.

One day, as I had exhausted myself from kicking holes into drywall villains, I headed to the playground. There was no one else around and I decided that I wanted to swing but not on the actual rubber strap. I unhooked the strap from the hefty S-hook it hung from and grabbed it like Tarzan on a vine. I started to swing around in circles holding as tightly as I could to the chain.

Slowly, I began to slide down until the S-hook punctured my white jeans and then into my scrotum. I felt some discomfort and looked down and saw blood on my crotch but I couldn’t disengage. I was hooked, by my ballsack, to the chain. I panicked and did my best to scramble up the chain but the S-hook was firmly in there and the chain just followed me up.

I screamed for help. No help arrived. I struggled and the blood started running down my left pant leg, flowering out like a Rorschach. It seemed I was hanging there for hours but the reality was more likely a few minutes until the hook, now greased with blood, slid out of my nuts and I fell to the dirt. 

Leaping up, I dropped trou on the spot to inspect the damage but there was so much blood that I couldn’t see what was actually a small leaking hole. I cried. I squalled. With my pants around my knees, I ran home.

I smashed into the front door screaming bloody murder that my balls were bleeding. My mother, shocked by the sight of her 9-year-old kid, reddened pants around his knees, crotch covered in blood, and in high hysteria (I mean, who make among us wouldn’t be?), laughed out loud. A giggle turned into a laugh transforming to a barking guffaw.

The more dramatic I was about it, the harder she laughed. Out of shock, out of horror, out of knowing how melodramatic her son was prone to be. She giggled as she washed my junk off and saw the tiny hole. She giggled episodically as she put an ice pack on it and tossed me in the car to go to the emergency room. She stopped laughing by the time we reached the hospital and I received two stitches on the underside of my underside.

A more fragile person might grow up with this experience in desperate need to pay someone to listen to his trauma.

"My mother laughed at my bleeding scrotum!" he'd wail as the therapist did her best to stifle her own laughter. He might write a book much later after his antidepressants and struggle session with his mother commenced entitled "Men and The Mothers Who Giggled at Their Nuts" and an article in The Atlantic "Incels and Their Reasons."

An anti fragile person might see this as pretty fucking funny.

In 1992, I was mugged just outside the Granville Redline stop in Chicago. It was around 2:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning. I had just played a gig on the Southside with a big band known as The Outcasts and, still in my tuxedo, decided to walk the block to an all-night diner for some breakfast when three young black men hit me with a two-by-four and then proceeded to kick the shit out of me on the sidewalk.

They stole $14.00 in cash and a check for $200.00 from the gig.

Bruised but not broken, when I told the police that I was mugged by three young black guys and what were the chances I'd get my money back, they laughed. Not like Biff Tannen but more along the lines of Denzel in Training Day to a naive Ethan.

Later, when I met with Gil, the drummer and band leader, to have him cut me another check, Gil muttered as he canceled the first "N****rs are the fucking worst." It would have been cause for some sort of reckoning except that Gil was black.

A fragile mind might find himself going over and over the incident, blaming himself, blaming black men everywhere, blaming the cops. 

An anti fragile mind understands that shit happens and you can't dwell too much on it because that means you're spending a lot of time thinking about shit.

The more time one spends dwelling on shit, the worse the place smells. It's like living with five cats. At some point, you have no idea that your apartment stinks like cat asshole but your Tinder date sure does.

Commonsense Media has polled some info out and it seems that the kids are wallowing in catshit.

23% of 14- to 17-year-olds say they "often" came across racist comments on social media in 2020 — nearly double the number in 2018 (12%).

"Sadly, but not surprisingly, the teens and young adults who are most likely to be affected by such content are also most likely to encounter it — or recognize and remember it," says the study, which was done in partnership with Hopelab and the California Health Care Foundation.

Black young people are more likely than whites to see racist comments "often" (34% vs 23%). LGBTQ+ youth are more than twice as likely than non-LGBTQ+ youth to encounter homophobic comments (44% vs 18%). Females are more likely to encounter sexist and body shaming posts than males.

On top of all this feline fecal material, it turns out that both actual mental health issues as well as the frequently self-diagnosed PTSD cases are dramatically on the rise. Where, in my formative years, comparisons of how many push-ups one could do was common, today's kids compare anti-depressant cocktails.

Under almost any definition, this is the behavior of fragility. Fragile like a Fabergé Egg in the back of a pickup truck on a dirt road going 75 miles an hour.

Surrounded by catshit, constantly seeing the injury you're looking for and thus finding it everywhere, always feeling aggrieved and victimized. What the fuck can you do except feel like you need to be bathed in Bactine just to survive life's never-ending abrasions?

First, decide what's more important than your feels. 

Most people let their every waking moment be dictated by feelings—both theirs and everyone else's. This is a one-way path to thinner skin, gentler sacks, and a general inability to live in a world outside of an echo chamber that has been hermetically sealed.

Becoming anti fragile is the process of understanding that there are a lot of things more important than your feelings. Romulans are fragile; Vulcans are not. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t have the feels—just don’t let them make your decisions for you. It might feel great to scream at the obnoxious woman at the Walgreen’s counter but it’s smarter to mind your business and buy your condoms and Zagnut bar while shutting the fuck up.

Second, get better at feeling bad and keeping it to yourself.

Just like most people allow their lives to be led by the nose by their feelings, most people think they are somehow important. They aren’t. You aren’t. The way skin thickens up is by taking some hits and learning that there are far worse things than being insulted, micro-aggressed, or shamed publicly. Grow a sack and a sense of proportion.

Finally, as the Stoics go, assume you have something to learn in every interaction rather than you have something to teach. I mean, who the fuck are you? To most people, you aren’t anyone of note so suck on the bitter teat of humility and join the throng, kiddo.

As Jalāl ad-Dīn Mohammad Rūmī once wrote "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise so I am changing myself."

Be wise because clever people write for McSwenis and those assholes suck.

[verdigrisprowl]

Jan 4 random movie night - Mindhunter: Episodes 1-5

On Rung’s recommendation and with Soundwave’s participation, Prowl’s trying out a new TV show, about FBI agents trying to develop a new method to track down serial killers based on what they can guess about their psyches from the gruesome crime scenes they leave behind. Prowl is not exactly persuaded of the validity of the science behind the technique, but he considers the show a work of fiction and so isn’t too fussed by it. There’s almost too much psychology in the show for him to handle, but so far it’s been tolerable.

But, he’s enjoying the mysteries, he likes that the main character is a socially incompetent but brilliant do-gooder who no one really likes but has proven very successful regardless, and the show’s spawning some great conversation with Soundwave.

ItsyBitsySpyers 6:54 pm *One couch, one Soundwave, one working caster, and another surprisingly large stash of fuel, because he's been using more than usual lately. Blame the interface, constant flying, and severed limb.* FakeProwl 6:55 pm *One Prowl, who's very curious about what it is Bonecrusher and Scavenger did. They weren't willing to fess up.* ItsyBitsySpyers 6:58 pm *Lifts his helm to look up at Prowl just so he can dip it again in an appropriately respectful manner.*

[[Greetings, O Captain, my Captain. Thank you for the suggestion.]] FakeProwl 7:01 pm *Stops dead. And for a second, a self-conscious but pleased little smile creeps across his face.*

*It hastily disappears, though. Back to neutral.* The credit goes to Rung, he recommended it to me. *He takes his seat, then nods at Soundwave's welded and braced arm.* Is THIS what they did to you? What happened? ItsyBitsySpyers 7:06 pm *He'd hoped one would. He's pleased with and proud of Prowl for taking that step. There'll be a few details to go over once Prowl actually settles into his position of authority, of course, but that can wait.*

[[He will transfer his gratitude if he sees the mech.]] *Nods to his arm.* [[It is. Scavenger approached him on Bonecrusher's behalf and punched his arm off.]]

*Casually, like having a limb severed is no big deal.* FakeProwl 7:08 pm He did WHAT?! *It's a big enough deal! Especially when the mech who lost his arm is a nigh-on undefeatable gladiator.* ItsyBitsySpyers 7:13 pm *Soundwave uses his good hand to motion for Prowl to quiet down.*

[[It's fine. He needed to have the joint replaced anyway; it's been weak and poorly repaired since the first time his arm was severed.]] *And now it's been given proper treatment, as Prowl can no doubt see.* [[It made Scavenger look impressive in front of Bonecrusher, evened out what he owed Bonecrusher, gave him a reason to stop avoiding the hospital, and lets the Constructicons think he is more fragile than he really is. He's pleased.]] FakeProwl 7:15 pm *Well. That was all personally rational and reasonable. Prowl still didn't like knowing Soundwave had been so badly damaged.* ... Take care of it while it heals. ItsyBitsySpyers 7:17 pm *Nod.* [[Of course.]]

*Then, after a moment:* [[...He does appreciate your concern.]] FakeProwl 7:19 pm Good. Because it's not leaving until that brace does. ItsyBitsySpyers 7:20 pm [[In a couple of weeks. He promises.]] ItsyBitsySpyers 7:21 pm *He still has to pick Prowl up like he said he would when Prowl got his freedom, after all.* FakeProwl 7:22 pm *Nod.* I'm sure you've got more than enough spare limbs to compensate for the loss, but, if you find yourself in need of another couple, you have my comm. ItsyBitsySpyers 7:24 pm *Appears to think this over. In reality, he's already noted that and is letting Prowl sit in the hopes his reply will be more amusing for the brief silence.*

[[He -would- like one around his shoulders while we watch.]] FakeProwl 7:25 pm *A tiny huff.* I think I can manage that. *Drapes an arm around Soundwave's shoulders, careful of the fresh welds.* ItsyBitsySpyers 7:26 pm [[Hmm. Good. Good.]] *Settles in, minding not to get the brace snagged on Prowl's fingers as he wiggles into place.* [[Shall we?]] FakeProwl 7:27 pm Let's. ItsyBitsySpyers 7:28 pm *The tiniest startle. What big font the show has. The better to see words with, he supposes.* [[The location must be very important.]] FakeProwl 7:30 pm *Pennsylvania. Has Prowl ever been to Pennsylvania?* ItsyBitsySpyers 7:30 pm ((HAHA)) [[...Sectioned? She wanted to have him cut into pieces?]] FakeProwl 7:31 pm Involuntarily committed to psychiatric care. ItsyBitsySpyers 7:32 pm [[Ah.]] *Slight frown.* [[Strange choice of word. But he sees, thank you.]] FakeProwl 7:33 pm *starts.* ItsyBitsySpyers 7:33 pm *Joins.* FakeProwl 7:33 pm *... well that was a hell of a start to the show* ItsyBitsySpyers 7:34 pm *Soundwave leans forward.* [[He has heard of these old recording devices.]] FakeProwl 7:34 pm ... I have—had—a friend who was a hostage negotiator. ItsyBitsySpyers 7:34 pm *Hmmwhat? Focus back on Prowl. Listening.* FakeProwl 7:35 pm I'm fairly certain that he's a walking example of why Functionism is wrong, because I don't know how he got the position, but he's the single most socially inept bot I have ever known. ItsyBitsySpyers 7:36 pm [[...Did they often end like the one we just witnessed...?]] FakeProwl 7:36 pm I didn't know him then. And I'm a little concerned to find out. FakeProwl 7:38 pm I met him only a couple of times before the war, never saw him work, and by the time I got to know him he was a soldier and a detective in his free time. ItsyBitsySpyers 7:38 pm [[Who are they? Does he know them?]] FakeProwl 7:38 pm Nightbeat of Yuss. *listens carefully to the lecture on hostage negotiation* ItsyBitsySpyers 7:40 pm *Light wrinkling of faceplates.* [[He has heard of them.]] FakeProwl 7:44 pm ... For the record, on Earth, the majority of murders are still between people who know each other. The claim that murder has become something largely between strangers is false. ItsyBitsySpyers 7:45 pm [[It is a poor one.]] *Mental equivalent of a mutter at her "do you like my approach" thing.*

[[Was it false at the time this is set?]] ItsyBitsySpyers 7:47 pm *...This conversation they're having feels somewhat familiar.* FakeProwl 7:48 pm I'd have to look it up, but from what I've seen, that massive a demographic shift in crime would likely have been evident while I was on Earth. FakeProwl 7:50 pm *Prowl knows it's a variation on conversations he's had plenty of times.* ItsyBitsySpyers 7:54 pm *Minor optic roll. At least it's back to the police business.* FakeProwl 7:54 pm *optics glaze over for the organics fucking.* ItsyBitsySpyers 7:54 pm *At least they're on the same wavelength on that.* FakeProwl 7:55 pm *... what IS a backroom boy?* ItsyBitsySpyers 7:55 pm *He doesn't know. He's looking it up right now.* ItsyBitsySpyers 7:56 pm [[...Someone who does important thinking and work for an organization in secret. How is that something not to aspire to?]] FakeProwl 7:59 pm Ah. Well, those aren't the people who are respected. ItsyBitsySpyers 8:00 pm [[But they get what needs to be done, done.]] FakeProwl 8:01 pm Of course they do. But the people in charge don't respect them for that. And will ignore their opinions as often as they think they can. ItsyBitsySpyers 8:05 pm *Disgruntled puff. It's true. He still thinks it's not the best idea to tell someone trying to get something done "do you want to be mistaken for someone who gets something done?" if you're trying to discourage them.* FakeProwl 8:07 pm *Unless the person you're talking to also disrespects them.* ItsyBitsySpyers 8:07 pm *Fffffair point.* FakeProwl 8:09 pm *Hey, brilliant law enforcement mind who's totally clueless about normal relationships with other people. Prowl can sympathize with that.* ItsyBitsySpyers 8:10 pm *Glance.* [[For the record, he is not intimidated.]] FakeProwl 8:11 pm *Glances back* I haven't been law enforcement as long as you've known me. Talk to me in a week. ItsyBitsySpyers 8:13 pm *A thin but wide smile.* [[He'll be sure to do that.]] FakeProwl 8:14 pm *they're saying a name that sounds like "Froid" a whole lot* *while talking about psychology.* ItsyBitsySpyers 8:15 pm *Has not met a Froid and does not know to be intrigued by that.* FakeProwl 8:16 pm *it's making Prowl nervous.* ItsyBitsySpyers 8:17 pm *Visibly?* FakeProwl 8:18 pm *for a little bit, he went very still.* *but now he's just normal still.* ItsyBitsySpyers 8:19 pm *Then it'll have been noted, but it will probably take at least another few incidents for him to think something connected is going on.* ItsyBitsySpyers 8:23 pm ((ah gotta pause be back in like three minutes)) FakeProwl 8:24 pm *ugh, can't stand those people. the ones that lash out at the people who are trying to help because they're upset. as if saying "I can't tell who the murderer is" is the same as saying "I'm the murderer."* FakeProwl 8:27 pm ... So what's the other one's solution? Does he think they SHOULD make up things to tell the officer that they don't know with any certainty? He's telling the main character that he's full of scrap because he said they don't know anything. I didn't hear him say otherwise—I didn't hear him offer anything. He's just mad at the main character for admitting they can't conclude anything. ItsyBitsySpyers 8:31 pm [[It doesn't make any sense to be mad about that. Were they not on that trip to find answers to the things they don't understand? Admitting they don't is -important-.]] FakeProwl 8:31 pm Exactly. Claiming they've figured out more than they have—making up rubbish to offer the officer—will only achieve two things: it will feed their egos, and it will hinder the case. ItsyBitsySpyers 8:32 pm [[Three things. If they do find a way afterward, it will make others unlikely to pay it attention.]] FakeProwl 8:33 pm Mm. That too. ItsyBitsySpyers 8:34 pm [[Eurgh.]] ((...*checks the name on the teacher's actor because the voice is familiar*)) ItsyBitsySpyers 8:36 pm ((*doesn't recognize. damn.*)) FakeProwl 8:40 pm ... How can he claim that he's an authority on criminal behavior and psychology when he won't even deign to speak to the criminals he claims to be an authority on. ItsyBitsySpyers 8:41 pm [[And risk proving himself wrong? Losing status?]] *Soundwave is only half looking at the screen.* FakeProwl 8:41 pm *Huff.* ItsyBitsySpyers 8:44 pm *His turn to huff.* FakeProwl 8:46 pm He really needed a better cover story before going in. ItsyBitsySpyers 8:47 pm [[...Why would he want that for himself.]] FakeProwl 8:48 pm I don't think he's talking about what he wants. I think he's judging, from a practical standpoint, what he believes would let society get the results they want out of him. FakeProwl 8:51 pm The criminals I've known are all mostly quite self-aware about the difference between their behavior and what society expects out of them. ItsyBitsySpyers 8:51 pm [[No arguments.]] FakeProwl 8:52 pm He wasn't asked "what do you want," but "what do you think society should do with you." ItsyBitsySpyers 8:55 pm [[...Good point. He can't say he would have agreed with what he knew society would want to do to him.]] *Pause.* [[What some in it still think should happen to him.]] [[Though most of them are at least a third as accomplished.]] FakeProwl 8:56 pm ... I... don't think that's what that hole is for. *is learning SO MANY new things about human anatomy and the things you definitely shouldn't do with them.* ItsyBitsySpyers 8:58 pm *Indeed.* FakeProwl 9:01 pm ... This time, he does have a point. There IS a distinct probability that that's all manipulation. FakeProwl 9:02 pm He was asking him about his psychological history, asking "how does this make you feel," with his little notepad out to take notes—and he fed him back tailor-made psychological explanations for his behavior. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:02 pm [[Perhaps. Though there's something to be learned from that too.]] FakeProwl 9:04 pm Oh, there's always something to be learned from someone lying. As long as you know it's lying. You learn, for instance, what he's been taught a psychologist looks for. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:05 pm [[And then not to be that, he assumes?]] FakeProwl 9:06 pm Oh, no, if that one was lying, he was lying by trying to be exactly what a psychologist looks for. He presented a very obvious psychology-based motive for his behavior. *points at screen* He's wildly speculating on insufficient evidence. "Doesn't bathe because bathing is what his parents want," or maybe he's homeless and can't shower. You don't know. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:10 pm [[That was the one he expected. It seems more likely than... defiant filthiness.]]

*Soundwave sits up to see if things differ between people.* FakeProwl 9:12 pm He's even using psychiatric terms. FakeProwl 9:15 pm He might be funneling his own, real experiences through the framework of the psychology he's learned; or he might be making up a pile of motives based on what past shrinks have told him ought to be the root causes of his behavior. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:15 pm [[Do you think - if it is the latter - that he has come to believe them?]] [[Or is it simply convenient to regurgitate them?]] FakeProwl 9:17 pm Either is a possibility. I don't think anything about it. It's psychology, and it's aliens. It's not my forte. But he's basing his beliefs on his /instincts./ *shakes his head.* ItsyBitsySpyers 9:21 pm [[Hm. At least he listened to -one- of them.]] [[He must ask what you do when faced with a case like the ones they are trying to work out if you don't apply these psychology things, though.]] FakeProwl 9:23 pm Mm. And yet he still can't comprehend that maybe understanding a criminal makes it easier to catch the criminal. Psychology is good for theories. It works for guesses. Guesses give you somewhere to look if you don't have anywhere else. FakeProwl 9:25 pm Where you WANT to look? Facts. Evidence. Paint, tread marks, dents. Objects that have clearly been removed from the crime scene that should be there, objects that were left at the crime scene that shouldn't be there. THAT'S where you want to look. FakeProwl 9:28 pm If you have imagined up a theory of what the suspect ought to look like, and then you find a suspect that matches your fantasy, that doesn't prove anything. No matter how good your theory is. That doesn't make your suspect guilty. Once you HAVE that suspect, sure, you can look for REAL evidence. You find a hammer in his home with scrapes of the victim's paint around the edge—great. NOW you've got your killer. Because now you have EVIDENCE. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:29 pm [[Then the point of his work should be use as a helpful tool, not the ending of the search.]] [[Correct?]] FakeProwl 9:30 pm Exactly. And he's—overreaching. Like the theory with the kid with a problem with authority. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:32 pm [[Is that a common problem? Making up too much?]] FakeProwl 9:32 pm Ugh. SOME people. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:33 pm *A little startled by the ugh and the emphasis on '"some".*

[[...What? What is wrong?]] FakeProwl 9:34 pm Nothing's wrong. I've had some coworkers I didn't like. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:35 pm [[Oh. You were - he thought something on screen was objectionable and he'd missed it.]] FakeProwl 9:35 pm No, no. I was answering your question. Terrible investigators. They could make up a whole novel based off the shape of a scrape. FakeProwl 9:37 pm Trust me on this—as the most meticulous report-writer in the Iaconian Mechaforensics Division—the maximum you can /actually/ get out of the shape of a scrape is eight pages. Single-spaced. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:38 pm *He looks at Prowl, slightly open-mouthed even though he doesn't intend to speak out loud, closes his mouth, opens it.*

[[...Do you still have any? Reports like that.]] FakeProwl 9:39 pm From IMD? They probably didn't survive the war. The only person I know who /might/ still have some of my old paperwork is— Oh, no, he's dead. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:39 pm *Yes, yes? Who? Wh-- oh. Damn.*

[[...If he found an interesting scrape, could you write a sample?]] ItsyBitsySpyers 9:41 pm *Gestures to the screen with his free hand.* [[They can't possibly--]] ((one sec i cro'd my food)) FakeProwl 9:41 pm ((oh my god)) Hm. They revised their theory based on new evidence. The bad investigators don't do that. FakeProwl 9:43 pm Psychology is still a dangerous game, though. Anybody can make up any one of a dozen stories to fit the known facts. Maybe one of that dozen fits the actual profile of the actual perp. FakeProwl 9:44 pm But what if the theory that the investigator actually thought up and settled on was one of the OTHER dozen? His optics will glaze right over when the real suspect goes by, because he didn't fit the profile. It's bound to be no different on Earth. Their minds are no less varied and complicated than ours. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:45 pm [["Now what has he done"? Has he done other things?]] FakeProwl 9:46 pm She clearly despises him. Maybe he's never done anything—that she knows of. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:51 pm [[...It still seems lucky.]] FakeProwl 9:51 pm It IS lucky. It's also TV. They got to script an easy capture. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:54 pm [[Well, yes. But if it is meant to reflect how things are done - that's all.]] FakeProwl 9:55 pm It's sci-fi. The sci is scicology. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:56 pm *Looks at.* FakeProwl 9:56 pm *poker face* ... It wasn't very good, was it. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:57 pm [[It was very good. He was trying to think of how to compliment it without you denying the compliment.]] FakeProwl 9:57 pm Oh. Thanks. ItsyBitsySpyers 9:59 pm *Nod nod.* [[He likes when you dabble in wordplay. You tend to find unexpected moments for it.]] *So Prowl doesn't feel pressured for the future, and because it is true:* [[Though he likes the more obvious ones too.]] FakeProwl 9:59 pm It isn't my forte. ItsyBitsySpyers 10:00 pm *See? Denying the compliment.* [[Then it is all the more impressive.]] FakeProwl 10:02 pm I do what I can. *He knows Soundwave appreciates them.* ItsyBitsySpyers 10:02 pm *Better.* ItsyBitsySpyers 10:09 pm *Munch munch munch.*

[[Sometimes he has wondered - no. Hold on.]] *Tries to rearrange his thoughts some.* [[He is not truly meant for law enforcement. You know that already; he told you. And you have working optics.]]

[[But sometimes he wonders what things would be different if others had his abilities. In this case, if a better officer had them.]] [[How that would change dealing with suspects, and the laws around it.]] FakeProwl 10:10 pm Mm. ... It'd make interrogations a lot easier. ItsyBitsySpyers 10:10 pm [[He can confirm that one.]] ((AAAAGH OJ IN MY EYE brb washing eye)) FakeProwl 10:10 pm ((oh no)) ItsyBitsySpyers 10:12 pm [[Whether or not that would - hmm. Should? Be legal to use. Information gathered that way.]] FakeProwl 10:12 pm ... This character again. Is he going to be a mass murderer? ItsyBitsySpyers 10:13 pm [[Perhaps they'll use their invention to catch him.]] ItsyBitsySpyers 10:14 pm [[...He's in security system work. He's going to break into places he's already secured, isn't he.]] FakeProwl 10:14 pm ... It probably would be legal, under the right circumstances, with the right supervision and clearance and evidence that it was both justified and necessary. I don't know whether it SHOULD be. ... Well—yes. It should be. But /should/ it be. ItsyBitsySpyers 10:17 pm *Soundwave vents quietly.*

[[Do you know how many illegal things he hears others being tempted to do? How many he listens to every day?]] FakeProwl 10:18 pm Give me a rough number. ItsyBitsySpyers 10:19 pm [[You don't want it.]] FakeProwl 10:19 pm I wouldn't ask if I didn't. FakeProwl 10:26 pm *jumps* ItsyBitsySpyers 10:26 pm *Soundwave shakes his head. No, he really doesn't think Prowl does. At least, he won't once he sees how high the number climbs even on a good day.*

[[But he can't act on them. Not now, anyway. Under Megatron, it was--]] Never mind. [[Not now. He has to wait until something comes of it, if it does. Which is rare, compared to how often he hears things.]]

[[It is good for an intelligence officer to have. It is not for a p--]] *JUMP* ItsyBitsySpyers 10:28 pm *Long vent. What timing.*

[[...Not a good ability for a police mech, he thinks.]] FakeProwl 10:30 pm *he DOES want to see that number, thank you.* ... It sounds like a nightmare. ItsyBitsySpyers 10:36 pm [[It was less of one when he wasn't trying to do your job.]] *Soft huff.* [[So. You see why he wondered what would happen to the system if there were more like him.]]

[[...It is probably for the best that there aren't.]] *Flicks a hand.* [[He doesn't mean to derail. He was thinking about the idea of 'useful tools'.]] FakeProwl 10:37 pm I don't know. It's hard to extrapolate from a sample size of one. ItsyBitsySpyers 10:44 pm [[He is a Pit of a one sometimes, if he says so himself. Forgive him if he's not eager to increase the sample size.]] ItsyBitsySpyers 10:46 pm [[...And he doesn't see what an interest in bondage has to do with criminality.]] FakeProwl 10:47 pm You'll be pleased to know we're not going to ask you to sign up for any tests trying to replicate your brain. ItsyBitsySpyers 10:47 pm [[...He is, actually.]] FakeProwl 10:47 pm It's an awful stereotype, the bondage thing. ItsyBitsySpyers 10:48 pm [[Have you run into it yourself?]] FakeProwl 10:53 pm The worst I ever encountered was a mech who believed it was impossible for someone who got off to tying people up to be psychologically stable. FakeProwl 10:54 pm I took out a set of bright, red, and obviously toy handcuffs. He shut up. ItsyBitsySpyers 10:55 pm *Amused.* [[Do you still have them?]] ItsyBitsySpyers 10:58 pm *LOUD huff.* [[Buzzsaw is highly intelligent and he could not find a thing in the correct spot in his deployer's room if everyone's life depended on it.]] FakeProwl 10:59 pm Like I said. Science fiction. That particular set of cuffs? No. I like cuffs like them, though. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:02 pm [[...Do you have any now?]] FakeProwl 11:03 pm Not currently. Lost my last set on the Lost Light. Rodimus borrowed it. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:04 pm *The return of the wrinkled faceplates and some munching.* [[Let's leave that pair where it is.]] FakeProwl 11:05 pm If he's still got it, it's somewhere halfway across the galaxy by now, so I think that's fair. FakeProwl 11:06 pm That's the third time he's shown up. He's definitely going to be the big villain. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:09 pm [[The to-be villain is off to a slow start.]]

[[...This reminds him. He has had a silver handcuff key for some time now, but nothing to go with it.]] [[An anonymous gift. He's often wondered what to do with it. Perhaps he'll have a set built around it.]] FakeProwl 11:10 pm Hm. An interesting concept. Building a lock to fit a key. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:12 pm [[More complex things have been reversed before.]] This message has been removed. FakeProwl 11:14 pm If you want /recreational/ cuffs, I'll have to give you specifications. They have to be designed differently than regular cuffs. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:15 pm [[...He didn't say they were for him. But that would probably be helpful.]] FakeProwl 11:16 pm Hm. Well, whoever they're for. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:17 pm [[Yes. Whoever they're for.]] FakeProwl 11:18 pm *a brief ghost of a smirk* ItsyBitsySpyers 11:22 pm [[It amuses him when others mistake cuteness for an inability to manipulate.]] FakeProwl 11:26 pm ... Why is the girlfriend in this show? I thought when she was introduced that she was going to contribute her psychological education to the development of this whole system. But she's... not part of the plot. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:28 pm [[Perhaps she has a greater role yet to come?]] FakeProwl 11:28 pm Perhaps. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:32 pm [[So be rude.]] ItsyBitsySpyers 11:34 pm [[...What does hair have to do with confiding.]] FakeProwl 11:35 pm *shrugs. hair is mysterious and kind of hard to look at.* ItsyBitsySpyers 11:35 pm *He knows there is an Earth movie claiming someone's hair is full of secrets, but he never worked out what that meant and this seemed to have been a dead end too, so... oh well.* ItsyBitsySpyers 11:40 pm *Polishes off the last of his snacks and sets the stash on the ground by the couch. He'll clean that up later.* FakeProwl 11:40 pm *for the record—that was an impressive quantity of snacks.* ItsyBitsySpyers 11:41 pm *He won't have thought about it as such. It's just what he needed to refill on.*

[[Cleaning supplies.]] FakeProwl 11:42 pm *And Prowl has changed his estimates for the capacity of Soundwave's fuel tank.* The magic words. FakeProwl 11:44 pm There will likely be blood in the drains of the sink and tub still. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:44 pm [[...Still?]] FakeProwl 11:44 pm Still, yes. Dried. Traces. But detectable, even without luminol. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:45 pm [[But humans bathe more often than we do.]] [[Shouldn't that have washed it down?]] FakeProwl 11:45 pm From what I have seen of forensics on Earth, blood is /extremely/ hard to get rid of. Traces of it will dry and stick around forever. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:46 pm [[Hmm. That... sounds odd, but he will trust you.]] *And maybe not tell Knock Out there are probably traces of Silas all over his tools still.* FakeProwl 11:47 pm Even once it's been completely cleaned up to the naked eye, invisible traces of it will remain and be detectable with proper chemical tests. I think it's the... lllipids? Some component of the blood. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:48 pm [[...Human blood has components?]] FakeProwl 11:48 pm ... Yes. There's multiple ingredients. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:49 pm [[And those don't separate in their fuel lines.]] FakeProwl 11:50 pm No. It's all very thoroughly mixed. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:50 pm [[...He will be reading up on this.]] FakeProwl 11:51 pm I don't know all of the components. But I know it contains mitochondria and DNA. And I'm told it contains iron, but tastes like copper. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:51 pm [[That part is true.]] FakeProwl 11:52 pm Please tell me you haven't tasted human blood. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:53 pm [[He hasn't, no.]] *Disgusting.* [[But Ravage licked some once, and it was not too different from the blood of the creature they call e-mu. Which he has hunted.]] FakeProwl 11:54 pm *... eating organics. yeah, okay, great. just keep your mouth shut and nod, Prowl. yes. fascinating. e-mu.* ItsyBitsySpyers 11:54 pm *Eyeing Prowl. He can hear that awkward silence, you know.*

[[He said it smelled like metal and wanted to find out why. The emu was for a plant.]] [[Those without hands have to have -some- way of carrying things.]] FakeProwl 11:55 pm "For a plant"? ItsyBitsySpyers 11:56 pm *...Oops. He'll carry on like it's nothing.*

[[Yes. Our Ratchet maintains a... what is the word. A greenhouse. Many Earth plants benefit from the presence of dead organic matter and some consume other organics.]] *And so does the one in his shed, but they're not talking about that one right now.* FakeProwl 11:57 pm *oh. that's much better than what prowl was thinking. he was picturing a pink alchemy production plant.* Yes, ah... fertilization, I think it's called? ItsyBitsySpyers 11:57 pm [[That is eggs.]] FakeProwl 11:58 pm Oh. ItsyBitsySpyers 11:58 pm [[...He thinks.]] FakeProwl 11:59 pm ... You're probably right, I've been researching eggs far more recently than I've been researching anything that might concern plantlife on Earth. Yesterday ItsyBitsySpyers 11:59 pm *One of his optics twitches ever so slightly with the effort to keep a straight face. He doesn't normally bother when his mask is off, so it's not easy.*

[[He's not surprised.]] FakeProwl 12:01 am *oblivious to the twitch. probably would have been oblivious to whatever expression soundwave was suppressing, too.* ItsyBitsySpyers 12:02 am *Good. It'll make him happier not being called out on the difference between the blank visor and his rather mobile features.*

[[He wouldn't mind seeing the data you've gathered, when you have a chance to share it.]] FakeProwl 12:03 am *Barely manages to keep a straight face himself. Most of the "data" he's gathered is Tarantulas's porn.* ... I'll see what's shareable. ItsyBitsySpyers 12:04 am *Helm tilt. That's an odd thing to say. Has he been interviewing other egg-layers or something?*

[[Very well. Thank you.]] ItsyBitsySpyers 12:06 am [[For now, though, he should rest. Frames heal faster with fewer systems running.]]

[[Would you like to join him? He does not yet know how your new schedule changes things...]] FakeProwl 12:07 am I am, once again, diurnal. So I'd be delighted. *The Constructicons are letting Prowl sleep NEAR them again, but not WITH them.* ItsyBitsySpyers 12:12 am *Perk. Then he doesn't need to rush off right away?*

[[Good.]] *He wobbles slightly standing up, but gets his balance quickly enough and offers his good arm. He'll carry the avatar up there with him if Prowl wants.* [[Let us go. Here, for now, though he -would- like to see your apartment in person and not through a camera lens some time.]] FakeProwl 12:14 am ... Sometime when the Constructicons are out. And confident you won't bug it while they're gone. *that's going to take a while.* *takes Soundwave's hand. no carrying. not with your arm the way it is. no matter how light avatars can get.* ItsyBitsySpyers 12:16 am [[He is a very patient mech... and they'll have even less reason than usual to worry about that if you keep him busy enough.]]

*Ah? Not a problem. He likes that, too. And toward the stairs he goes - after giving the back of Prowl's hand a kiss.*

[foundcarcosa]

cciv.

1. Predict what your life will look like a year from now. >> I doubt there will be much different about my life in August of 2018. Sparrow will undoubtedly have settled into a more permanent place of employment, so our quality of life may have shifted (in the financial sense), hopefully for the better. We’ll probably still be living here, so no major changes to my worldstate are predicted. Anything else, I can’t possibly predict with any confidence.

2. What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given? >> All compliments are good compliments.

3. What makes someone a best friend? >> I don’t have an answer for that. It varies from person to person, anyway. I get soulmate and best friend and life partner and the rest of those superlative hierarchical terms all confused, to be honest. --In which case, Can Calah fits all of them by default.

4. Are you young at heart, or an old soul? >> I have always existed in a state of temporal liminality, making all age-related terms erroneous.

5. How is your blog a reflection of yourself? What do you think people assume or know about you by looking at your blog? >> It’s a reflection of myself because I strictly curate things that appeal to me personally. I have dedicated this space to myself, to the expression of the innumerable facets of my being and their intersections, and it has performed ably in that capacity. And it’s funny you should ask that, because about an hour ago someone I know informed me that they tried to give someone they know a description of my blog and this is what they came up with: “I honestly don't fucking know,  they either are God (tm) or wanna fuck God(tm) and probably would foursome The Diety of their choosing, Idris and Matthew Macone-whatever in the Matrix just for the aesthetic and the #thirst tag.” So I imagine that’s largely the impression I give.

6. Make a five song playlist that sums you up as a person. >> Death is the Road to Awe, Clint Mansell (from the soundtrack to The Fountain); Gethsemane, Vanden Plas (a cover of the Jesus Christ Superstar song); Starboy, The Weeknd; Break On Through (To the Other Side), The Doors; Blazing Star, Dethklok. There are a lot of songs that could contribute to a comprehensive profile of me as an [infinite singularity of] individual[s], considering I’ve been looking for myself in songs since I knew how to look, but you asked for five, so.

7. Do you have a Facebook? >> Yes. You’re welcome to add me on it. It’s largely stupid memes and me complaining about the most random shit.

8. What’s the most annoying thing about the person you like? >> Which one? (What kind of ‘like’? Be more specific.)

9. You ordered pizza last night, and have been looking forward to eating the leftovers all day. You go home and the box is still in the fridge, but someone has eaten all of it and it’s empty. What do you do? >> That’s impossible. First of all, Sparrow doesn’t even like the same kind of pizza I do. Second of all, she’s scatterbrained all right, but I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she wouldn’t leave an entire empty pizza box in our small-ass fridge. Try again.

10. What’s an inanimate object in your house that holds significance for you, and why do you find it so significant? >> The empty bottle of Baron Samedi Rum that sits on my desk holds significance for me (obviously, seeing as I never keep things that have no clear purpose, like empty liquor bottles). I bought it in New Orleans and it reminds me of O’Dim. It is perfect. (I’ll get rid of it when we finally move. After all, I won’t need these fragile pieces of home once I’m actually there.)

11. How do you look right now? >> Like a snack. (How am I supposed to answer this???)

12. What is one of your bad habits? >> Drinking, I suppose.

13. What were you doing at eleven last night? >> I think I was on tumblr, or some other part of the internet.

14. Are you sure that you were born in the right era? >> Does it matter?

15. You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him. >> He’s married to Sparrow’s sister, he studied film, he likes sour beer, and he used to be a skater. I don’t know much about him personally, it’s mostly just factoids that don’t knit together into a full picture very well.

16. You’ve got the TV on, but you’re not really watching. What channel is the TV on? >> I don’t do that. Sparrow is more likely to do that, and it’d probably be some HGTV show on Hulu.

17. What’s an inside joke you share with your friends? >> The first thing that popped into my head was #sunfuckers incorporated, honestly.

18. Name a song that never fails to make you happy. >> No song is 100% successful at that, obviously, but Blood Red Summer by Coheed and Cambria has a strong track record. Very bright, very vibrant, probably about something either horrific or sad (deceptively fun-sounding songs about interstellar war and sundered family dynamics and lost/broken love -- all amindst vague cosmic horror -- is kind of their thing, after all).

19. If you had to diagnose yourself with any mental illness, which would it be? >> ASD is my self-diagnosis.

20. Would you like to reconnect with any friends that you’ve lost contact with? >> I wouldn’t be opposed to it.

21. Name at least three things you could stand to cut out of your life. >> Whatever it is, I probably won’t be cutting it out of my life any time soon, so there’s no point in even pretending otherwise.

22. What is “normal”? Are you normal? >> I assume that the most practical working definition for ‘normal’ is ‘consistently compatible and compliant with the beliefs, morals, and behaviour systems of one’s society’ -- if so, I feign ‘normal’ with varying success. Mostly I am content with being a quiet but adamant outlier.

23. Biggest turn ons? >> Expansive and adaptable consciousness. Abnormally high levels of curiosity and mirth. At least two (2) tentacular appendages.

24. Do you practice what you preach? >> What I preach is usually integral to my being, so I can’t help but practice it. What I parrot is often a different story. (Parroting, I’ve found, is useful in the successful maintenance of a person suit. I don’t parrot much here, so don’t worry. It’s mostly for the benefit of people less fortunate in the cognition and analysis department who unfortunately have the ability to make my outlier life difficult.)

25. Would you prefer to live in a city, the suburbs, the countryside, or the mountains? >> I’d prefer to live in the Garden District of New Orleans.

26. Give me the story of your life in six words. >> It is without beginning or end.

27. Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends? >> I will always choose to be alone doing something I enjoy. Additionally, anyone who considers themselves a friend of mine would prefer I not do something I don’t enjoy simply for the sake of keeping them company.

28. Tell me something you think would surprise people. >> As a child, I was deathly afraid of thunderstorms. (My theories on this vary. Either way, my fear completely disappeared without fanfare sometime in adolescence; there is a memory I hold of being 13 and watching a summer storm in North Carolina with avid fascination, and suddenly thinking, Wait, aren’t I supposed to be afraid of this?)

29. Is your current hair colour your natural hair colour? >> Yes.

30. Why is your favourite band your favourite? >> My favourites are my favourites because they express things I keenly recognise and often do not have words for.

31. Name something that you miss. >> Her.

32. Share five goals that you want completed in the next thirty days. >> Um... I’d like to finish at least two more Loremaster sub-achievements on WoW, get my Norn up to at least lvl50 on GW2, watch the rest of Queen Sugar, finally nut up and watch Moonlight, and get my end of the Reddit/SyFy Gift Exchange done.

33. What do you do when you can’t sleep? >> Read, usually. Or watch some episodes of an Adult Swim show (or something equally low-commitment).

34. If you were told you were going to have three daughters, what would you want to name them? >> Whatever names come to me when I am holding them, or whatever names Sparrow wants to give them. What I hate is that you have to name them then and there -- I prefer the ritual of naming to be closer to toddlerhood.

35. How do you feel when someone says something mean/disrespectful towards your favourite band/musician? >> I don’t feel anything, usually. Being a Creed fan as a teenager has given me a blessedly thick skin towards that sort of thing, trust me.

36. What’s the funniest film you’ve ever seen? >> I really liked Life (the Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence flick), Caddyshack (it’s so fucking weird in that older-film sort of way but I lost my shit at so many scenes that I have to give it its due), and The Secret Life of Pets (I guess I’m the perfect demographic for that kind of ridiculousness). Oh, and Kung Fu Hustle. I know there are a few others but I forget them now. Comedy movies that really amuse me are almost harder for me to find than horror movies that don’t make me roll my eyes out of my head.

37. What’s your favourite children’s TV show/movie? >> My favourite children’s movies are The Pagemaster and The Prince of Egypt. The Neverending Story gets honourable mention just for being so damn iconic. My favourite children’s programming is The Amazing World of Gumball, Steven Universe, and some stuff I’m probably forgetting but trying to dig around in the pile of countless forms of media I’ve consumed over time in order to answer these questions is really not how I want to spend my night.

38. What do you do when you can’t sleep and you don’t have your phone? >> Why wouldn’t I have my phone, though...? I guess I’d get up and do something else. 

39. What is your purpose in life? >> Whatever it is, I assume I’m fulfilling it.

40. What’s one thing you cannot live without? >> Aside from the “duh” answers, I will say mental stimulation and variety. I couldn’t live in solitary confinement with absolutely nothing to do, I’d probably lose it faster than the average (if I don’t figure out a way to kill myself).

41. Put the seven deadly sins in order of the one you commit the most to the least. >> Superbia, Acedia, Gula, Avaritia, Luxuria, Ira, Invidia.

42. What’s something that’s on your bucket list?  >> Skydiving. Natch.

43. Have you ever been told you look like a famous person? If so, who? >> The only two famous people I’ve ever been compared to (to my face) are Grace Jones and Harold Perrineau.

44. Can you cook? If so, what are your favourite dishes to make? >> I can cook well enough not to starve. I haven’t gotten to a point where I enjoy cooking, though. Maybe one day.

45. What was the last decision you regretted making? >> Meh.

46. Whose opinion of yourself do you value the most? >> Can Calah’s. Sparrow’s, as far as corporeal human beings are concerned.

47. Anything that makes you angry? >> There is nothing that is consistently guaranteed to make me angry. I usually experience anger as a cumulative “last straw” kind of thing. Which can make it seem “out of the blue” to others, I realise. But at least it’s infrequent.

48. Age you get mistaken for? >> Anything from late teens to early twenties, appearance-wise. Online, anything from late teens to... mid thirties, I think.

49. When was the last time you paid for music? >> I think the last album I bought was The Buttress’ Behind Every Great Man.

50. Night or day? >> Both, please. And the spaces in between.

[un-tide]

Omg RIP @darknings I deleted your ask but you asked for the 30’s so here we go!! This is for my new & undeveloped zombieverse OCs, OC1 & OC2. I haven’t named them yet lol, but OC1 is the main character. OC2 is their best friend/possibly gf idk yet. No one knows OC1’s gender. Not even them.

30. OC1 is severely depressed and does not like technically work out (they hate to move tbh) but they live on a self-sustaining farm so they still get a lot of exercise. Post-zombie-bite they exercise even less bc their body is super fragile. OC2 is not depressed and goes for runs around their property and does more of the hard labor around the farm. After her runs she feels energized but also calmer and it helps her clear her head. She’s a healthy gal.

31. Neither of them drinks much but they do make their own fruit-flavored alcohol that they drink and sell and trade for other people’s homemade alcohol/other resources. OC1 used to be kind of a sad, sloppy disastrous drunk just trying to have a good time but is feeling very attacked right now, but now drinks way less and is more of a soft&fuzzy content drunk. Can get very excited & happy while drunk tho, esp if OC2 is feelin wild n fun. OC2 is a blushy, bubbly, drunk and drinks more than OC1, but can also be very quiet and chill.

32. OC1 doesn’t care too much about fashion but puts a lot of time into skincare. Kinda punk/grungey aesthetic tho when they do put the effort in. Does their eyebrows and sometimes wears eyeshadow and/or lipgloss. Has many ear piercings. Maybe has nipple piercings. Maybe not. Sleeps in underwear/big shirts. Sometimes sleeps naked when it’s too hot. Hair is very soft and clean but messy-looking and is about shoulder-length. OC2 has long hair that she braids or ties up. She likes lipstick and mascara and high heels, but doesn’t wear any of it often bc of That Farm Life. Rocks farm-chic mostly instead. Overalls are life, stereotypes-be-damned. She sleeps in flannel pajamas when it’s cold and soft shorts and bras when it’s hot. They both buy their clothes from garage sales & second-hand stores, but sometimes buy some more fashionable stuff in the city.

33. OC1 thinks bras are the devil, and only wears boy shorts/boxer-briefs, both lacy and cute or simple and soft. OC2 loves bralettes. Sews padding into all her tank tops and wears them as bras. Despises lace underwear, will only wear soft ones.

34. Both are cool w their bodies. OC1 is a little underweight but toned, and fairly tall. Has a very androgynous body type. OC2 is very fit and a lil chubby. Average height. Thick thigh club + biceps to rival any goddess. I may or may not be gay for her.

35. I actually don’t know what their guilty/unguilty pleasures are.

36. OC1 is good with animals but doesn’t really think so. Is surprisingly strong. Good at doing makeup symmetrically. Has really good sense of hearing but bad eyesight. Has a knack for computer/internet stuff. OC2 is not that great at cooking but tries hard at it so 90% of her food turns out pretty good. She’s a very fast runner and has a lot of stamina. Also a good swimmer and is really good at math. Very business-savvy and definitely a people person, both superficially and more seriously.

37. Both love to read, but OC1 reads more. Poetry’s alright, but they prefer novels, especially historical fiction. Also like reading nonfiction, though OC1 has a hard time maintaining their interest/focus throughout a whole nonfiction piece. OC1 reads super fast.

38. OC1 wishes they weren’t depressed p much. OC2 is pretty confident in herself but admires honesty, straightforwardness, reliability, and strong-willed people/people w good boundaries and wishes she could be better at those things.

39. They don’t really write letters, they mostly use email for business and stuff. They do use sticky notes and little business cards/fliers though.

All these questions rly helped me think about and better develop my OCs into more concrete characters. Tysm for asking!!

[justgothehellhome]

Little Rant about BPD.

So I figured I’d finally discuss something I rarely discuss, but it’s been on my mind alot. I noticed alot of people throwing around the diagnosis “BPD” alot. As if it’s some cool thing to have. Borderline Personality Disorder is not a trend. SO that being said here’s a typical list of what it’s like having Borderline Personality Disorder along with a few little facts.

1. I either feel way too much or nothing at all.. complete numbness. 2. Even though I have done years of intensive therapy and am on my 2nd year of DBT I still struggle processing my emotions and talking about them in a healthy manner. 3. Relationships ESPECIALLY romantic ones are very hard for me. Alot of it is hot and cold then ends with me smothering the person or being scared I’ll smother them and then that they’ll leave. 4. I constantly romantically get involved with people who treat me poorly, this is what I’m use to. Recently I’ve been getting involved with someone new and it’s constantly me testing their limits and seeing how far I can push. There’s many tests and they’re so nice that it actually makes me angry. - Very confusing. 5. Emotions for me are weakness as is crying.. feeling love is a sign of weakness in yet I want to drown people with it. 6. Alot of my behaviors have improved through treatment: I no longer abuse hard substances/drugs nor drink heavily (as much) I have struggled with a self harm addiction for 10 years and am now 6 months clean (I had a few slips) 7. However as I said for number 6, there’s still some behaviors I hold on to as they have lived with me throughout my whole life and developing a identity without them scares me: My Bulimia. I am in my third round of treatment for it and I’m scared. 8. Sometimes in order for me to not get hurt I will purposely drive people away and then cry and be devastated once they’re gone…this happens alot. 9. Sometimes I leave first because I am beginning to feel and I don’t want to be left and have these feelings and just I’m scared of all these feelings and me. 10. I often am okay and then suddenly I’m not and am very nasty, irritable and hurtful to people who are very close to me. 11. I can not stand seeing someone upset..I will obsessively try to fix it, fix them and blame myself if I can’t and even ask 20-30 times if I did something…you can say I didn’t, but I will still obsess over it. 12. Sometimes I am still so disgusted with myself that I want to tear my skin off and scream. 13. I use to be really spiteful especially with lovers. In a way maybe it was manipulative. When my ex and I lived together and we would get in a fight and then I would give him the silent treatment and lock myself in the bathroom until he would beg and cry for me to talk to him. - He was always scared I was cutting. However our relationship was a very “I hate you, don’t leave me” relationship. Parts of me wondered if he suffered from BPD as well for different reasons. 14. It took me a very LONG TIME to break away from suicidal tendencies. The thoughts sometimes come and go, but they are no longer acts. 15. For a long time self harm/cutting was the only way for me to feel okay. Sometimes it kept my emotions in check, sometimes it was because I was angry and needed to calm down, sometimes I was punishing myself. 16. I have had traumatic life experiences happen to me involving physical/emotional abuse, neglect, and sexual abuse as a child along with other tragic situations that lead me to develop PTSD. 17. Sometimes if I’m so emotionally stressed/hyped I will dissociate and not know it. 18. Friendships are VERY difficult with me, as I am a possessive jealous friend. And it confuses me. 19. I still struggle with thinking people are talking about me/laughing at me or hate me. This makes work hard but I manage. 20. Before DBT and various forms of treatment I could not hold down a job and had a fear of being alone anywhere. Now my job is very successful. 21. I struggle with perfection and AM OVERLY hard on myself even if you say I didn’t disappoint you..I feel like I did. 22. Being left/abandoned is my BIGGEST trigger and can still lead me to emotional episodes/spirals. 23. I hate being yelled at but can never tell if I’m yelling…I don’t mean to and I don’t know I am. All I know is I’m emotionally stressed and overwhelmed. 24. If I’m having a crying episode, do not leave nor insult or yell at me this will trigger an extremely emotional response and could lead to me attempting to use unhelpful coping skills. 25. I don’t mean to insult you, I don’t. I don’t mean to be this way, just don’t leave. I’m sorry I put you on a pedestal and rip it out from underneath constantly. 26. Love me unconditionally scars and all even if I am too afraid to feel anything. 27. My friend once described me and our relationship like this “Kayla I walk on eggshells around you constantly and I feel like sorry is never enough. Like let’s say we’re throwing rocks and one rock bounces off an object and hits you and I apologize, but you’re so upset and blame everything on me and tell me you hate me. Even though it was an accident you’re convinced it was done on purpose.” -Our friendship was never easy, I’m not easy. 28. I get bad days where I just cry and hate myself and am too scared to look in the mirror, I’ll ask you for reassurance 80 times, don’t get annoyed. 29. If I’m telling you something, do not reply with one word. Instantly I will feel as if I’m a burden, annoyed you/upset you, that you’re angry at me and think I’m pathetic and hate me now. 30. Even in a argument I will not stop talking, I will go on and on until I receive a response. This argument will later lead to me sincerely apologizing a million times. 31. I genuinely do want to get better and improve but there’s some things I worry that will not successfully be improved..alot of it revolves around my communication, thought process and emotional response. 32. I do take medication to treat my SYMPTOMS. However no medication can actually treat BPD. Anti depressants can be taken for depression, anxiety medication for anxiety, etc, but no medication can truly treat BPD. BPD improves over time with the correct treatment. 33. My treatment is a mix of psycho therapy, CBT & DBT along with EMDR/Trauma therapy and seeing a eating disorder nutritionist along with psychiatrist. - I am lucky I can afford and receive this help as many can not or are simply not ready for that step. 34. There’s a constant need and seek of approval in me and if I don’t get it I obsess over it and get scared. 35. I can’t stand it when people hate me, it kills me. But if I hate you, then well in my head you simply fell off the face of the earth..even if I do text you to tell you how much I hate you. 36. I am insecure with a big heart who has given pieces of herself to many people and who has even tried to find herself in broken people. In the end I am still fragile, but also venomous and ready to strike at any second. I need reassurance, comfort and for you to be patient even as I spit venom. 37. My life in treatment now revolves around Wise Mind VS. Emotional Mind VS. Reasonable Mind.. except my mind is in mostly an emotional space..oops. 38. In a sense my family and I are almost estranged, but have a love hate relationship. 39. I grew up with a mother who has untreated Borderline Personality Disorder, so that love/hate along with hot/cold runs wild between us even as we hold onto old grudges and use them against each other constantly. 40. At 16, I couldn’t be home anymore so I dropped out of highschool and moved out. This was the best option for me as my behavior was overwhelming and I needed high emotional care/affection and that was something my family could not give me due to the “emotions=weakness” moto in my family 41. I spend alot of time over thinking/ over analysing my actions and words along with others and things that they’ve said (whether real or imagined/me reading in between the lines or thinking/assuming what was truly said. 42. Borderline isn’t “cool.” This is not a cool thing, as I have permanently damaged my body, have hurt many along with allowed them to do the same, attempted suicide 6 times and had to literally learn to resist suicidal tendencies/day dreams. Constant need for validation and attention then becoming uncomfortable and feeling smothered when it’s there is overwhelming. Intense emotions are overwhelming.

[tiredbiplantlady]

posted by celadon-city  ASK ME THINGS

bored, tired, passing time, like to narcissistically think about myself

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? Texted: Ew wtf, did we get abducted by aliens? Messaged in general on my phone with an app: This is normal

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? Hahah

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? No, and it depends

4. Is your last name longer than six letters? No, 6 exactly 

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? Sober, I don’t drink really

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? Lol I always mess everything up in relationships 

7. What does your last received text say? Text: “It’s almost like mom goes out of her way to watch the worst tv shows”  General phone message with an app, which I use far more often than texting: ”yeah” 

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? I really have no count, hundreds

9. Where was your last kiss at? My apartment

10. When is the last time you saw your sister? Like 10 years ago or something

11. What do you drink in the morning? Water

12. Where did you sleep last night? My bed

13. Do you think relationships are hard? Always, lots of the time 

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? There are lots of things I would change, but I also accept things being what they are, that led me to the knowledge I now have, which I find valuable 

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? Not at all

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? Rainy 

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? I can’t think of anyone off the top of my head, but it’s a pretty common name

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? Pajama shorts

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? I really don’t know

20. Does anyone like you? People like me, and sometimes I wonder why when there’s so much not to like

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? I’ve kissed lots of people and come to think of it, no I haven’t, not that I recall

22. Is the last person you kissed gay? No, he’s bi

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? There are lots of people and lots of characteristics people have I can’t fucking stand. Probably shouldn’t say that, but

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? Yeah and I did because I was dumb and 18 and now I have this monstrosity on my back forever. At least I don’t have to look at it, but I can never wear cutout shirts again

25. In the past week have you cried? Yeah, I cry all time. The last cry was in therapy bc my therapist was basically being p fucking confrontational and mean about stuff and I got upset. I’m still upset

26. What breed was the last dog you saw? In real life? I saw some Dalmations days ago, but I think I’ve seen more doggos since then

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? Partially in and partially out if I’m alone

28. Have you ever kissed a football player? I’ve kissed people who played football in the past, but no, I’ve never kissed someone in full out football gear or who was the QB of the team and I was his stereotypical GF or anything like that

29. Do you think you’re old? Nah

30. Do you like text messaging? I like talking through message apps on my phone, texting is the one I use the least though

31. What type of day are you having? I’m still in bed, but I’m anxious and sad

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? Yeah, and I did it. Don’t regret it. 

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Warm or cool, not cold. Either is ok. 

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? Yes

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? Neither

36. Are you a simple or complicated person? Complicated to the point of not making sense

37. What song are you listening to? I’m not, but the last song I actively chose to listen to was “Doubt” by top

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? Of course...sometimes I just say it too much. Actually I think I’m so used to apologizing for everything from getting in the way even a tiny bit to apologizing for someone having their own feelings that I just spit it out without thinking to try to calm the situation (which kind of feels related to my PTSD, survival mode, saying whatever I have to to get the pressure removed and the threat lessened) and no, it doesn’t mean anything to me because I’m Afraid. It’s not wanting to lie or hurt people, it’s fear 39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? Not really, despite being woman-centric and desiring relationships to be closer with women, every person closest to me who knows near-everything about me is a man. Like 4 men are like this in my life and not many women are that close. It’s not because I think I’m “one of the guys” and “better than women” it just happened to work out that way and I probably have some problems feeling that friendships are as important as “romantic relationships” even though I don’t logically value that sentiment, that romantic situations are “better” and also probably some internalized messages that tell me wlw relationships can never be what hetero ones are, again, not because I truly believe it at all but because I’ve been fed that narrative my whole life 40. What made you start liking the person you like now? I like lots of people. If you’re talking about crushes you should be more specific in your language. I don’t have crushes. Not now. I’m too fragile and scared and trying to grow 41. When did you last receive a text message? Last night 42. What is wrong with you right now? Nothing is wrong with ME, but the way my brain functions isn’t always great. I’d say I’m having a depressive episode in combination with some other stuff that is making me feel very easily hurt, reinterpreting harsh words as yelling, feeling like a failure and fearful for the future, and as though my therapist doesn’t like me anymore because I’m not good enough to be well all the time 43. How well do you know the last female you texted? My mom. Well enough.  44. Does anyone disgust you? Lots of people and the things they do disgust me 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? No, I’m not in a good place for new relationships, let alone the ones I’m in 46. Are you in a good mood right now? I don’t have many feelings right now except hurt and fear and anger thinking about therapy the other night and reluctance to go to school today, as well as social repulsion. Being around people right now sounds like the worst thing ever and I’m glad I’m alone 47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? Kyle last night 48. What color shirt are you wearing? Black, as 90% of the time 49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? Y U P 50. Anyone you’re giving up on? What the hell kind of question is this? I’m not responsible for ensuring all of my energy goes to any person. I’m not responsible for other people. Maybe it’s my own fault I detect shame in this question 51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? What does “giving up on someone” mean, like seriously I have no idea what this means? Because it seems like it means “stop trying to help someone” as a disguise for “trying to make someone want you”. And that kind of repulses me. Does it mean breaking up? If so the way it’s phrased as though it’s the person I’m giving up on as though they don’t matter and mean nothing and not the relationship also repulses me. It’s like, breaking up with someone = telling them they’re not worth your time, which is interpreted as worthlessness and this whole thing just rubs me the wrong way. There have been times I wanted to give up A RELATIONSHIP because I didn’t want to expend energy into that RELATIONSHIP AS IT WAS and would prefer friendship or going our separate ways. I’ve never though “boy, I’m so troubled, I’m thinking about giving up on him because he’s not doing what I want him to do and I’m going to use this as ammunition to make him beg me to stay” like this phrasing is so toxic to me imo, but i guess I’m making a big deal of nothing 53. Do you like rain? Always 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? Not really unless they get drunk, but I feel the same way about my friends. I can’t deal with drunkenness after the things I’ve been through with alcoholics 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? Yeah, and it was actually better that way. A lot of the time I fantasize and put people on a pedestal and it turns out the fantasy and pretending was a lot more fun than reality and in theory sounded better than it was, and honestly I think I’m still trying to grow in ways I thought I didn’t need to. Deep down I am basically am a commitment-phobe, someone who puts her self-interests first most of the time in relationships, and quite frankly am not ready to even begin considering “settling down”. You think you’re a certain way and then realize you just WANTED it to be true, but it isn’t. I have liked people and it’s better off for the both of us if I never say anything because I’m not ready and I’m self-focused, which you can call selfish if you want, but there’s nothing wrong with being that way unless you portray yourself as a centered good relationship partner, which I fucking have over and over  56. Do you like to cuddle? Sometimes I really feel like I need human touch because I ache and feel deprived and desire comfort. Other times I’m completely repulsed and don’t want anyone to touch me, even the people closest to me 57. Are you shy? I’m anxious 58. Do you get along with girls? I love girls, and yeah 59. Have you dated the person you texted last? LMAO no that’s my brother wtf 60. What do you carry with you at all times? Phone usually, but more often than not it’s dying or dead 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? Absolutely, even though I’d piss myself at every sound. I’d do almost anything for a million dollars, that’s money I’ll never see and I could pay off all my student loans, live in a nicer place, take care of my health better, buy a car so I didn’t depend on my dad for anything else.. 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? At this point in my life thinking about relationships stresses me out and I don’t want to think about time duration because I can barely think about next week planning school work, let alone trying to keep a relationship alive when I feel like everything I know is falling apart and I’m having to reconstruct my entire world-view, self-identity and what I’m supposed to do with my life 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? Mmhm 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? It’s comforting when I want to be comforted  65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? Idk, I don’t want to write about things and I don’t want to recall 

66. How old are the last three people you kissed? No

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?   Do it myself    68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? Zebra    69. Do you have any stickers on your car?     No. Well I guess there’s a military one since it was my dad’s car 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?   I don’t know who the first person is and I’m not into the second so neither   71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone?   Android    72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?     Like last week 73. Do you like diet soda? I don’t like soda, period    74. What color are the walls in your room?     My apartment is all a gray/tan color that I don’t actually mind, but my bedroom at my mom’s house is deep purple 75. Are you 16 or older?     Lol yes 76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?     Nah 77. Do you have a job? Trying to function on a daily basis trying to go to school and communicate with people feels like a job      78. What are your initials?     KES 79. Did you ever have braces?     I should have, but my mom and dad just didn’t give a fuck about me so 80. Are you from the south?   No 

81. What does your last status on facebook say?     Idk, I mostly just post articles about fucked up political shit 82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?   We live together so yeah  83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?     ppffFFFTTTT BHAHAAHA. they’re both fucked 84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?     No 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?     I think it was...The Conjuring 2 86. Do you smoke?     No, but I used to fake some cigarillos  87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? Flipflops     88. Is your phone touch screen?     Ofc 89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?   Whatever it happens to do as it dries. If I sleep on it it usually turns out straight on one side, but my hair is naturally wavy    90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?     Not really, not as a teenager 91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?     POOL. I grew up in a town where everyone went “swimmin in the lake” and it’s the nastiest, fishiest lake with toxic shit growing in I’ve ever been to and I’m scarred for life 92. Have you ever made out in a car?     Yeah 93. …Had sex in a car?   Kind of I guess   94. Are you single or in a relationship?     Stop asking me about relationships.  95. What were you doing last night at midnight?   Reading on my computer   96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?   *shrug* last summer probably    97. Do you like the camera on your phone?   It does the job  98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?   Several    99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?   No   100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?   Hmm, there are probably a few who annoy the shit out of me   101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?     Lmao, not a real one 102. Name your favorite Kesha song:   Past Lives   103. Do you have any tan lines right now?     I don’t tan, I burn and return to pasty white 104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? I would never wear cowboy boots, I don’t need that in my life  

[christsbride]

COVID-19 and Closing Churches

With the spread of the flu-like Covid-19 virus, government orders to close, and the community in fear of getting sick; at what point should a church close its doors and temporarily end meeting?  To get clear guidance, we must seek God's Word, and not our feelings or thoughts from our fragile emotional state.  What did Jesus and The Apostles do?  What did the early church do?  What does Holy Scripture say?

What Did Jesus Do Around Sickness?

John 4:46-53 is interesting, not only is it a sickness healing, but Jesus brings up a interesting point.

46 Then He went again to Cana of Galilee, where He had turned the water into wine. There was a certain royal official whose son was ill at Capernaum. 47 When this man heard that Jesus had come from Judea into Galilee, he went to Him and pleaded with Him to come down and heal his son, for he was about to die. 48 Jesus told him, “Unless you people see signs and wonders, you will not believe.” 49 “Sir,” the official said to Him, “come down before my boy dies!” 50 “Go,” Jesus told him, “your son will live.” The man believed what Jesus said to him and departed. 51 While he was still going down, his slaves met him saying that his boy was alive. 52 He asked them at what time he got better. “Yesterday at seven in the morning the fever left him,” they answered. 53 The father realized this was the very hour at which Jesus had told him, “Your son will live.” Then he himself believed, along with his whole household.

Now, it doesn't say WHAT the boy was sick with except the fact he was sick and was going to die.  There is something interesting to note.  Jesus didn't travel to the sick boy's house.  Instead, healed the boy from the a distance.  Right here, some people may use this as an example was to why self-isolation is acceptable for the church because God heals from a distance.  BUT, that is a failure to see the REAL reason for this sort of RARE "distance" healing.  Verse 51 would be completely irrelevant.  That's the point.  The time and distance PROVES Jesus has divine healing powers.  THAT's the point.  Not the distance.  So, this is actually a poor example for self-isolation and God's healing of the COVID-19.  Now, there was a very important point to be made, by Jesus.  Jesus REBUKES the people, including the royal official.  He literally says "you people," referring to the crowds that follow him to see what he does and don't really ponder what he says.  He generally rebukes them for not believing in HIM as the living WORD and trusting the WORDS that he says as coming from God himself.  Instead, these doubters need to see miracles for themselves in order to give some sort of self satisfying credence to his words.  There is a natural thing inside humans that if it tickles our senses, it feels more satisfyingly credible.  This is also true for fellowship.  If you meet people in person, or see people in person, and hear a pastor speak in person, and sing your favorite worship song in person; how much greater of the a feeling do you have than if you just watched it online.  There is a natural and massive difference.  Keep that in mind (1). LUKE 4:38-40, a high fever

38 After He left the synagogue, He entered Simon’s house. Simon’s mother-in-law was suffering from a high fever, and they asked Him about her. 39 So He stood over her and rebuked the fever, and it left her. She got up immediately and began to serve them. 40 When the sun was setting, all those who had anyone sick with various diseases brought them to Him. As He laid His hands on each one of them, He would heal them.

 Peter's wife's mother had "a high fever."  In this day, a fever of 101 would almost just feel like a hard days work.  So for them to note, at this time, she had a "high" fever, means she was in bad shape.  But look at Jesus, he "stood over her."  Jesus didn't maintain any sort of "social distancing."  But it gets better, "all those who had anyone sick with various diseases brought them to Him. As He laid His hands on each one of them..."  They were physically bringing their sick, possible with viruses, to Jesus.  And Jesus would literally, physically touch them.  No gloves, no masks, no protective gear; just faith. These people would have NEVER had an encounter with CHRIST JESUS, if "social distancing" was enforced legally and or culturally.  Keep that in mind (2).  LUKE 5:12-14, Leprosy

12 While He was in one of the towns, a man was there who had a serious skin disease [leprosy] all over him. He saw Jesus, fell facedown, and begged Him: “Lord, if You are willing, You can make me clean.”  13 Reaching out His hand, He touched him, saying, “I am willing; be made clean,” and immediately the disease left him. 14 Then He ordered him to tell no one: “But go and show yourself to the priest, and offer what Moses prescribed for your cleansing as a testimony to them.”

Though this translation does not specifically say "leprosy," other early writings and translations do.  It is a contagious bacterial infection that gets ugly quick.  Jesus, in his human body, that gets tired, needs food and hydration, reached out his hand and literally, physically, touched him.  There is a symbolic concept here too.  This would, according to Pharisaic additional laws and jewish ceremonial laws, would make Jesus unclean.  But, we know that Jesus is far from unclean, in fact, he is the exact, perfect opposite, he is perfectly sinlessly holy.  BUT he TOUCHED an unclean, infectious person.  He did not avoid them.  He did not maintain social distancing.  There are countless more examples in Holy Scripture but the point is, Jesus and the Apostles didn't shy away from infectious people:  Matthew 14:34-36; Luke 17:11-19. Here, people will make the argument "But Jesus was God, we are not."  Seems like a valid point.  So, let's look at the healing that the Apostles did AFTER Jesus had ascended to heaven.

The Apostles and Sickness

Acts 5:16  

"Also the people from the cities in the vicinity of Jerusalem were coming together, bringing people who were sick or afflicted with unclean spirits, and they were all being healed."

 Their faith and desire for God's healing superseded their feeling to stay away from sick people.  In fact, all the sick people and their friends and family were coming together.  Remember, Jesus had already left at this point.  This is just the first and early churches, after Pentecost.  A mass sickness party was being held by the Apostles, and by faith, they were all being healed. This would have never happened if the early church avoided meeting and maintained social distancing from all those who were sick. Act 19:11-12

"And God wrought special miracles by the hands of Paul: So that from his body were brought unto the sick handkerchiefs or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them."

Acts 28:8-9

"And it happened that the father of Publius was lying in bed afflicted with recurrent fever and dysentery; and Paul went in to see him and after he had prayed, he laid his hands on him and healed him.  After this had happened, the rest of the people on the island who had diseases were coming to him and getting cured."

 Again, no social distancing and avoiding meeting here. So, we see that even the Apostles were not afraid of coming down with any of these diseases.  They didn't tell these people to say home and NOT bring their sick friends and family to them.  They did NOT close their doors wherever they were at to avoid contamination.  They WERE without Jesus, physically, and were on their own continuing his works.

Israel and The Church's Historical Reaction to Epidemics and Pandemics

The 142 BC Epidemic In 412 BC, there was an epidemic of an unknown disease, but it is often identified as influenza due to the described symptoms.  It was reported in Northern Greece by Hippocrates and in Rome by Livy.  It caused a food shortage in the Roman, and a famine was only prevented with food relief from Sicily and Etruria, and via trade missions to the "peoples round about who dwelt on the Tuscan sea or by the Tiber."  In other words, it spread.  In 520 BC Cyrus the Great allowed Jews to return to Judea and rebuild the Temple in 515 BC, but did not allow the restoration of the kingdom.   During the time of the epidemic, Persia was in control of Israel; and Persia traded with the Roman Republic until they were conquered by Alexander the Great in 332 BC. Israel did not stop conducting their ceremonies, worship services, and religious festivals even though there was a epidemic spreading from Rome. The Antonine Plague of 165 to 180 AD This was an pandemic brought to the Roman Empire by troops returning from campaigns in the Near East. Scholars have suspected it to have been either smallpox or measles; deadly and highly contagious.  The disease broke out again nine years later, according to the Roman historian Dio Cassius (155–235), causing up to 2,000 deaths a day in Rome, one quarter of those who were affected, giving the disease a mortality rate of about 25%. The total deaths have been estimated at 5 million, and the disease killed as much as one-third of the population in some areas and devastated the Roman army.  The plague may have also broken out in Eastern Han China before 166 AD, given notices of plagues in Chinese records.  The church was in the dead center of this pandemic.  It was a monster of a plague.  COVID-19 looks like a small cold compared to this one.  So, what did the early church do during this extremely dangerous plague? Irenaeus, who was about 30 years old at the time and was a pastor at the Church of Lyon during the plague.  He was indirectly a disciple of Polycarp, who was an actual disciple of John.  He never paused his mission work.  He didn't stop meeting and fellowship.  He even discussed his conversations and debates with Gnostics; which lead him to write Against Heresies.  Any sort of social distancing was not mentioned by him whatsoever.   The thought of closing his church doors and stopping his ministry work during the plague was not an idea he had. The Bubonic Plague, 1485–1551 Just about all of Martin Luther's life ran congruent to the Sweating Sickness that spread throughout Europe.  As a pastor and professor, he did not close his church doors and theological school.   During the spreading sickness, he revolutionized organized and formal worship services that changed history.  But it gets better.  The Elector of Saxony, John the Steadfast, ordered Martin Luther, to leave.  He refused.  Along with his pregnant wife Katharina, Luther stayed in Wittenberg, opening his house as a ward for the sick.  Someone literally asked him if it is wrong for a Christian to flee the cities that are infected, you can read Martin Luther's letter here.  The 1563 London plague Church leaders gathered to address some issues and iron out what the orthodox biblical faith teaches in 1563 AD and 1567AD, and drafted what is known as the Heidelberg Catechism and Belgic Confession.  All the while the 1563 London plague was raging.  Social distancing and closing churches did not happen. The 1663-1668 Plagues of Netherlands, England, and France While the "Great Plague of London" was spreading, from the Netherlands, and to France, the church gathered in London and drafted the The Westminster Confession of Faith in 1664AD.  An extremely important document that helped shape modern Church orthodoxy and maintain biblical reliance and understanding.  Social distancing and closing churches did not happen. The Spanish Flu, 1920s The Christian Reformed Church convened at the Synod of Kalamazoo and drafted the understanding of God's common grace in 1924.  The Spanish Flu was raging, world wide.  They did not close down their churches or cancel their synod.  The churches in America, as a whole, did not close down or stop meeting. Influenza A virus subtype H3N2, 1970s

  The outbreak and discovery of the H3N2 virus, predominate pastors from around America met in Chicago and drafted The Chicago Statement of Biblical Inerrancy.  Also, during this time, in the 70s, the churches did not close during the spread of H3N2.

  We see, that historically, and during much worse pandemics and plagues, the church did not close their doors and stop meeting.  They, in fact, become part of the help and aid to all those who were sick; just like the Apostles before them.  But what does other parts of the the Bible say about how to better address this issue?

  God's Word

  Aside from Jesus' example, and the Apostles' example in Holy Scripture, we can find assistance in coming to a biblical response in other truths made in scripture. 

  Psalm 41:1

  "Happy is one who cares for the poor; the LORD will save him in a day of adversity."

  There are two ways to look at this;  is avoiding contact with the poor, caring for the poor?  Is this being merciful and loving in that you care for their health enough to avoid them in the hopes of preventing getting them sick? 

  Here's a problem.  If you know you are not sick, then avoiding them is actually SELFISHNESS and UNLOVING to the poor.  Because you are actually more worried about your self and your own health than to serve the Lord, willing to risk yourself for his Glory and their greater good.  Making this argument, knowing your are not sick, exposes your selfishness, weak faith, and doubt in God's protection. So, if you are not sick, but yet you avoid taking care of the poor when given the opportunity, you are actually IN SIN.  You don't trust the Lord's protection.  You don't believe in his divine healing.  And you care more about your own life than the person you claim to love.

   James 4:17

"So it is a sin for the person who knows to do what is good and doesn't do it. "

Helping someone in need, is what is good.  Physically caring for someone in need, is what is good.  Caring for someone in physical or emotional need, is what is good.  Avoiding all these, to keep yourself from getting sick, is not doing what is good; it's selfish, non-sacrificial, lacking in faith, thus sin.

  Mark 16:17-20

  17 And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new languages; 18 they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.”  19 After the Lord Jesus had spoken to them, he was taken up into heaven and he sat at the right hand of God. 20 Then the disciples went out and preached everywhere, and the Lord worked with them and confirmed his word by the signs that accompanied it.

Now, this is huge.  Jesus said these things "WILL accompany those who believe."  They can touch deadly things, even receive into their bodies deadly things, and yet, "WILL NOT hurt them at all."  and then right after that he said "they WILL place their hands ON SICK PEOPLE."  Again, all these "will accompany those who believe."   Think about the gravity of this.  WHY are you scared to touch sick people?  The REAL question is, why do you NOT believe Jesus' word here?  To simplify it; Why do you not fully trust God?  Do you not trust God will/can heal them?  Do you not trust God will/can protect you? Peter could walk on water!  but, because of his weak faith, he almost drowned (Matthew 14:30).  If Peter walked on water, why can't you minister to sick people?  If it is fear, Jesus directly addresses you: Matthew 10:28

28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

 The "who" could be a "what" or another noun; person, place, or thing.  That "thing" can also be COVID-19.   COVID-19 has killed people, but it only kills this temporary body.  Jesus flat out commands us to "NOT BE AFRAID" of COVID-19...  Is your lack of faith leading you to disobedience?  

John 10:11

"A good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep but the hireling sees the wolf coming and flees"

This is a brutal revelation about pastors, elders, and church leaders.  The wolf, is anything worldly that scares the weak and scatters the flock.  This is exactly what COVID-19 is doing; has scared the flock and scattered it.  Sadly, it appears that most pastors are just hirelings and not good shepherds, because they too have gone into hiding.  Martin Luther said "For when people are dying, they most need a spiritual ministry which strengthens and comforts their consciences by word and sacrament and in faith overcomes death."

  1 Timothy 5:8

"8 But if anyone does not provide for his own, that is his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

  Now this is a very important COMMAND.  YOU have a duty, a divine responsibility to take care of your household and family.  Maintaining social distancing and avoiding contact with family and members of your household is in direct violation to this command.  The things that are to be provided are care, love, fellowship, not just physical resources.  Obligated to provide physical and emotional support and care.  Even Bond-servant Masters are to care for their bond-servants as members of their household (Eph 6:5-9).  So, this isn't just limited to immediate blood-family. 

  Matthew 25:41-46

41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ 44 Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ 45 Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ 46 And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

 Now THIS is condemning.  Social Isolation and avoiding fellowship risks THIS!  Social Isolation and avoiding fellowship does not feed the hungry, hydrate the thirsty, not welcome the lonely and strangers, does not clothe the poor, and cold, OR VISIT THE SICK!  Jesus literally says "sick and in prison and you did not visit me."  Closing the church, stopping fellowship and corporate worship directly conflicts with what Jesus is getting at here.

  The church, by closing and avoiding worship and fellowship, is neglecting those in need.  And dumping the duties to try to care for the local church community violates what The Holy Spirit prescribes in 1 Cor. 12:21-26. 

  1 John 3:16-17

16 By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. 17 But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?

What does that look like now?  You see people in need, or know of a friend, family, or community in need; you have the resources to address that need and have been part of that community assisting in helping that need before; then suddenly, stopping, no longer helping because of fear of getting sick.  You are not willing to lay down your life for the brothers and sisters in your community.  All of these raise the question:  

  Is risking infection unloving to your household?

  It can't be.  The Apostles risked getting sick by healing people every day, Peter was married.  Was he risking getting infected and then infecting his wife?  No, it wasn't a risk because God is soverign.   In the eyes of the weak in spirit, yes, it seemed like he was risking getting infected and bringing the bug back home to his wife.  But the element of a sovereign God is unfaithfully absent with that idea.

  Is it then unloving for missionaries to take their families to dangerous parts of the world for mission work?  Of course not.  Is it a risk of danger, maybe.  But is the fear of risk the problem?  Yes.  

  The fear is being poor in faith.  The fear is immaturity in faith.  Peter feared drowning once he saw he was walking on water.  What, is it selfish and unloving of him to risk widowing his wife to walk on water with Jesus?  Is it selfish of Peter to lay hands on the sick, and risk being infected and taking the sickness back home to his wife?  No.  Peter was not in the wrong or acting in sin.

  What Does The Bible Say About Quarantine?

  So what happens when we become sick?  Well, we should be quarantined; but not neglected.

  Leviticus 13:4-8

the priest is to isolate the affected person for seven days. 5 On the seventh day the priest is to examine them, and if he sees that the sore is unchanged and has not spread in the skin, he is to isolate them for another seven days. 6 On the seventh day the priest is to examine them again, and if the sore has faded and has not spread in the skin, the priest shall pronounce them clean; it is only a rash. They must wash their clothes, and they will be clean. 7 But if the rash does spread in their skin after they have shown themselves to the priest to be pronounced clean, they must appear before the priest again. 8 The priest is to examine that person, and if the rash has spread in the skin, he shall pronounce them unclean; it is a defiling skin disease. 

 Here we see "The Lord said to Moses and Aaron" and laid out this process of a sort of quarantine.  This skin disease spoken about is a bacterial infection of Leprosy, which is contagious. This is about those who HAVE symptoms or ARE sick.  This is NOT about people who DO NOT have symptoms of any contagious sickness.  The context can not be used to justify quarantining healthy people.  Because, then how could the priest examine the person and determine their cleanliness or uncleanliness. If, your sick, stay at home.  If you are NOT sick, YOU HAVE A DUTY TO SERVE THE LORD STILL.  But, what if the government orders the churches to close?  

Government Orders to Close Churches

Romans 13:1-7

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. 2 Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. 3 For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, 4 for he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer. 5 Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God's wrath but also for the sake of conscience. 6 For because of this you also pay taxes, for the authorities are ministers of God, attending to this very thing. 7 Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed.

   This comes up a lot too, by pastors who close their churches at the orders of the state.  They justify this action with the use of this verse.  A major problem though.  This verse applies to governing authorities that conduct what is good.  And "good" is defined by God.  That means, if the governing authorities do NOT do what is good but, in fact, impose authority that which only God is owed, they they are not to be respected and honored because they are NOT the one whom the respected and honor is owed.  Give Caesar what is Caesar's and give God what is God's (Mark 12:17).  Worship and praise is God's, he owns it, and expects it, commands it; it is our duty before God himself.  ANY governing authority that interferes with it, is due no respect or honor in regards to it.

Watching your church serve form a life video feed is not corporate fellowship and worship.  You have no interaction with the pastor or fellow believers.  It is no different from you watching any other video instead.

Corporate Worship and Fellowship

Acts 2:42, 46

"devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer...every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts"

  Closing church doors and doing live video feeds of worship services is NOT being "devoted to... fellowship, to breaking of bread..."  It is just not possible.  You can not break bread from a live Facebook feed.  Fellowship is neglected, period.  The early church was so on fire for Christ, they met every day!  DESPITE Roman authorities AND Jewish authorities persecuting them.

The early church defied the Roman authority.  The early church defied the Jewish authorities.  The early church RISKED death, arrest, breaking the law, jail, prison, and diseases; yet, still were devoted to fellowship and meeting in their homes.

  Hebrews 10:25

25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

 As mentioned above, the early church was dealing with governing authorities, such as Rome and the Jewish authorities, ordering them not to meet.  They risked legal issues, fines, jail time, prison, and violence.  Yet, the author of Hebrews, inspired by the Holy Spirit, directly and absolutely states "NOT GIVING UP MEETING TOGETHER".  

Conclusion

We see that Jesus went to the sick and physically touched them and heal them.  We see that the Apostles went to the sick and physically touched them to heal them.  We see that the early church, and the church all throughout history did NOT close their doors (willingly) for government authorities and plagues.  We see throughout scripture the duty and responsibility for believers to care for the sick, physically.  We see God commanding the church to NOT give up meeting, but to remain devoted to meeting together; no matter what the governing authorities impose or what worldly sickness is around.  That closing churches and not meeting together, in fact, reveals a lack of faith and fear of worldly pressures over the duty of what God is owed; obedience and worship.

It is made clear through Holy Scripture and church history, that churches who close their doors and stop meeting together, are in sin.

If you have any questions or comments about this article please CONTACT US, join our discussion FORUM, REPORT AN ERROR, or leave a comment below.

from Blogger https://ift.tt/3bVUDev

[rexylafemme]

i am who i am because somebody loved me and my reciprocation of that gift is to love as fully as possible

10.30.2017

dearest grandma,

i miss you a lot. i’m sitting on a tree stump at sunset park & just watched a flock of chimney swifts swirl down into the chimney of a building. they were flying in this way where they looked like one-dimensional paper at alternating intervals as they spiraled down, swerving into focus as three-dimensional bodies at other intervals. oh, there are more now. against the light—vague pastel orange/yellow/pink/turquoise slow sunset. there are two flocks, one above the other in the air, sometimes parallel, dancing. they just became one flock. it’s been sixteen years. things are coming together in this strange, beautiful way in our family. not as i would’ve expected or imagined, everyone engaging as they are, a kind of acceptance of those individualities despite flaws. it’s hard. it’s lovely. i wonder what you think about it. if it gives you peace. i wonder what my role means or has been, how it’s shifted & transformed, how it’s stayed the same.

i love you so much. i feel i understand you more, i feel closer to you, even though i haven’t “SEEN” you in sixteen years. something still about our souls & hearts. i wonder about your journey, what time feels like for you, what it’s like to be intimately aware of us, from whatever perspective & place you have now. i worry about disappointing you or causing you sorrow. i look out at the east river & i see red hook & i know you, we, are from that river. & i know we are so much more than it & come from much further. both geographically & spiritually. i’m trying to be my truest, most intentional self. i do that by remembering you—how you could command a room, but with tenderness. how much warmth & light you gave off. how comfortable you always seemed. so natural among the people you loved, the community you cared for. the dedication & care you gave, seemingly without effort. i admired your faith & belief, your spirituality, attention to ritual. how you studied & took notes. it was all your own, your private work. private, not as in secret or protected from others, withheld from others, but just—your own. you shared your knowledge & wisdom around it all, but had your own personal practice & learning system around it. i remember you in your chair by the living room lamp, reading. your notes & papers poking out of the pages of your books on catechism, etc.

these times lately when i’ve felt the most alone, craving for comfort, i’ve wanted you. to curl into your chest. to hold your hand. your radiant kindness. i felt, feel, bonded to you in a way i’ve never felt bonded to anyone else. but i do feel it with my mother, too. with linda. it’s different. i think you must’ve sensed my difference. that there was something about me, a depth & desire that you knew too. i’m proud & honored to be from you. of you. & i know there is more to me, also. i’m gracious of, & in a lot of ways, still uncovering, all you taught me, all you encouraged in me. i was always so excited to sit with you, helping you cook. as you showed me how to clean carrots & potatoes. how to peel them. explaining about eyes & scooping out rotted parts. nothing ever without value or use because of imperfections or parts gone bad. you taught me not to waste or take for granted. & when you handled food, your hands were dexterous in their tasks, but also so loving & gentle. your instruction so loving & gentle. & you trusted me. to trust a kid of five with sharp objects—knives, peelers. you showed me how to be careful, how to not hurt myself. & i was so happy to do anything to help you. or anything that made you happy or proud. you would ask me to sing for you & gave me such loving encouragement for it. it filled my heart with joy when you would sit & smile & hum along, so much so that i overcame my nervousness & fear. for a long time, i felt really guilty that i didn’t sing for you the night before you died when you asked me to.  i was stressed, had so much homework, & i think i was frustrated & short with you. i didn’t know it would be the last time. i told abbie a few years ago that i felt singing on stage & pursuing music would be a way to redeem myself because i would be doing it for you. a dedication. but doing it for you is really doing it for myself. not in a selfish way, but in a way to honor my gifts & what i love. & you always said it was a “sin” to waste gifts & talent. as in, to deny the world of what you have to offer from your heart. a loss.

it’s getting darker & the sunset casts a tangerine stripe across the sky, below a deepening cornflower blue. the leaves move in silhouette against it. & the shapes of buildings and rooftop doors create sharp dark contrasts against the colors. natural & industrial beauty. it’s an odd thing. there are glimmering lights from manhattan, brooklyn, staten island. thin clouds of pollution. maybe the ferry easing across the river. i can hear the kids’ murmur as they play soccer with their coach behind me on the field. the sound of a whistle. it’s getting cold, my nose is running a little. there’s so much i would say, but i know or sense i know that you’ve already heard it from me, though i haven’t said it, wrote it, maybe haven’t even thought it. i have a sense that my bones ache in old ways you are familiar with, that come from times neither of us have known physically.

i used to tell my mother that i never understood that trope in movies & tv shows about how kids dreaded & hated going to grandma’s house. i was always so excited to see you. how i would wait on wednesday afternoons on the corner of 83rd and 34th for you to come home from 1 o’clock mass. we got out at 12:20 those days. i would stand on the block in front of your house & wait to see you coming down the block & walk to the corner to meet you, so excited to hug you. & always a sort of protectiveness as you crossed the street. i would get worried when you crossed against the light, as if you were fragile or in danger. there was always such an overprotective maternalism in all of us femmes. the other day, my mother & i walked through sunset park, light cool in the air, leaves beginning to turn—late. the swings were totally empty & so we went on them & it was just sweet, playful fun. she told me about how she & her friends used to stand, two on one swing together, one on another’s shoulders, swinging until they jumped off. she asked if i ever did that. no! i’d be too scared. “that’s good,” she said. as if to suggest safer. i teased and said i got my fear from her, always nervous and protective. she protested & i told her i was kidding.

i think about how you were always able to access joy & sweetness—another thing i learned from you. & how there was always this sort of mutual exchange of wisdom & youth between us. but not just one-way—as in you in your old age imparted wisdom & i in my young age imparted youthfulness. i learned about keeping a young vibrancy from you as much as you learned something about an old depth from me. i was a serious, intense child in a lot of ways, & you would frequently ask, “where did YOU COME from?” i wondered, too. there was something about growing up & growing older together, our life stages, that bonded us together in this way that was special. there was a magic we brought to each other & that we shared that i will always cherish. leo sun. leo rising. for the last three years, i’ve done shows on your birthday & they’ve all been so special. you were the most inspiring, bright, glamorous, & beautiful woman around. you always had a LOOK for any outing. so stylish, put-together. you were so BIG in presence, yet so humble. so generous. i learned about loyalty & sacrifice from you. i learned about the deep sorrows of care with you. i know we saw ourselves in each other. i wonder about your young life. your dreams. i know you always wanted to take care of your family. to have one. and so do i. i always thought it a kind of loss to be an only child, growing up inside of generations of many siblings—my mom 1 of 7, you 1 of 9, your mom 1 of 11. times were different though. & circumstances.

i look at the palms of my hands like orlanda, lehna & jova’s mentor & friend-family said, & i do see your hands. she had said last new years’ eve, “to find your ancestors, all you have to do is look down at your hands.” i think often of the sense of home you created through yourself, not just in your household, but that was part of it. how it was a hub, a gathering place, a safe haven, my sanctuary for sure. i wanted to replicate that in my homes & i have. in oakland & here. even in college. we welcomed friends to stay who had no place to stay—were wayward, in-between, in crisis, needed a break—at my & talya’s place, at ruben, micah, & my place, at my place here in brooklyn. my dorm room in bennington. we fed & hosted dinners, performances, parties, holidays, game nights. folks always welcome. i think of how full of life & comfort you & your home was. & i feel so lucky to have experienced that & to carry it on. i’m so thankful for you.

& i’ve had to learn from you in other ways, too. i learned a kind of nobility that is admirable, yet overly sacrificial, which i’ve had to check & moderate in myself. i learned to be restrictive of my body & pleasure in a way that’s been hurtful to me. it’s not your fault—the conservatism & shame—but it did have a big influence on me. you weren’t the only one to give that to me though, & i know it was a product of cultural & social ideas.

i love you thoroughly. i appreciate you thoroughly. i accept you thoroughly. i wish i could know more of your stories, but i have these imaginations, these visions in my head. i have these senses in my body, too. joys. also pain. there are questions i think i know the answers to that i wish i didn’t. i felt the tremors of before i experienced the same kinds of heartache. i know you always had a similar inability to understand how we could do so much harm, how our world could be built on so much cruelty & suffering. we hurt about this in the same way, reacting to the personal & to the collective. oh, what a world, what a world. & yet, such beauty. & such goodness in you. nothing stopped you from giving, trusting, loving, trying. resilience. i learned all this from you. from your children, too. thank you for the gift of you, the gifts of your children, for my mother, for your role in my own life—how it began & how it unfolded & how it is ever unfolding.

love always,

rex renée elena

notes and thoughts from matters of desire, later that evening, a talk at the hemispheric institute with daniel alexander jones, andreas weber, and david kyuman kim

how to make something out of this chaotic moment?

how to make our way through?

“when i was 14, i had a vegetable garden & others had girlfriends” –weber, on being more connected to plants and animals, on being otherworldly

“the only thing you weren’t allowed to feel in biology was love for other beings.” –weber, on studying biology and why it didn’t fit for him

a body can be touched AND has inwardness

you produce your identity with and through others.

you form yourself and understanding of the beings and surroundings around you as a living being, through reflections and most importantly, feeling.

all living beings are processes of desire, from the smallest cell to the organism.

organisms and cells are actions and desires becoming transformations and changes in specific space and time.

nature is a process of mutualism and relationships. nature is a web of connections mediated through desires.

we exist as desires that are flesh!

we are selves caring for our continuity.

if we listen to our hearts, we feel the world, which answers to how we are touched by it and how we touch it.

the chimney swifts anecdote: they are an element of the air, but also an element of happiness – to riff off of this from the future (aka from after writing these notes on the 30th): weber shared an anecdote of sitting in a small cabin visiting a dear friend. they heard a rustling coming from her chimney, and he went to see what it was, she said she’d been hearing it lately. though he was nervous, he reached his hand inside the chimney, and feeling around, scooped something into his palm. he could feel it moving, could feel chimney dust, squirming, the heat, the quick heartbeat. he drew his hand out and into the light—a chimney swift. he walked to the window and opened it, and out it flew. they watched. there was more rustling, so he went and reached in again—another chimney swift. again, to the window, and release. he talked about how all he and his friend could do was look at each other—laugh and embrace while laughing. how there was this sense of not knowing if they would survive, given they were weakened—lacking food, etc. but that in that moment, they were the epitome of happiness, of freedom. and there was no way of not experiencing that feeling. that they were an element of the air, that they were air—seeing them fly, becoming themselves in their element, of their element. anyway, i was floored, having just been watching the swifts while writing to my grandmother. i was laughing and crying and shaking my head. he also mentioned something about how when we love others, we try to hold onto them, cling to them, to siphon what we love about them or what feels good, but it is in our freedom with each other and only in mutual exchange, that we really can experience love.

we are processes of relation in mutualism—which give rise to self.

we live in a world of bodies and also a world of inwardness

bodies are not separate, autonomous structures. we need others in order to live and to make sense of ourselves

transformative mutualism yielding self and desire

an ecosystem is a process of relationships

an ecosystem is also eros, the body. open to caress, touch, tenderness

this world is myself in a different mode of mutualism and experience

artists give us invention through imaginative minds

DR. KIM:

mercy is bending our hearts toward suffering. what if this was at the core of who we are and what we did? mercy and love, generosity, compassion, forgiveness. what would that look like? later thoughts: approaching transformation requires using our imaginations to envision what this could look like.

racism is the structural compromise of an integrity of a people.

what are the challenges of love and regeneration in this moment?

what has the compromise of integrity and humanity systemically done to us? there is a gap between who we are and who we ought to be, who we could be, who we deserve to be, who we hope to be. and it eats at hope and possibility.

we need to regenerate our hearts

the legacies and traditions of love and ethics and spirituality that we come from. how we learn about treatment in relationships. focus not just on legacies of violence and trauma we inherit.

where do we come from? our families, our ancestors, our traditions. who are the people who loved us? who are the people who hurt and wounded us? who are we? who have we wounded? thinking in personal terms as well as in terms of power, how do we proliferate oppressive conditions and treatment, and the opposite?

we have a responsibility to the people who follow us, who come after, to heal, to mend, to change. what values do we want to pass along? thinking of rivers of values and traditions through time.

“to act is to be committed and to be committed is to be dangerous.” –james baldwin

what if it were: “to love with integrity is to be committed and to love with integrity is dangerous.”

we have to learn how to be with each other and to hold each other and lift each other up and help each other.

JOHN ALEXANDER JONES:

family was the introduction to love and to the natural world.

encountering the natural world as a kid decentralized humanness and centralized ecology, being a part of a larger system of everything, being with and of nature.

ecology and revolution

protect yourself by being vulnerable!!! –constance bergley

there are forces at work that are bigger than impending violence and death

regeneration

WEBER:

biology of the commons—interdependence

vulnerability is an organ of perception

nature doesn’t need a facelift, s/he’s continuously rejuvenating because s/he’s continuously dying

we need “other” to be ourselves

we are constantly dying, living, eating, breathing

the process of interrelation and sharing between other and self generates inwardness and a perspective

identity comes about by incorporating other—all kinds of beings—water, plant, animal, air, people

you need ‘other’ to welcome you into being.

mainstream biology and capitalism proliferate the myth of survival of the fittest and organisms as separate and contained

we need to face death

DR. KIM:

radical love involves learning how to die (in all kinds of ways, especially spiritually)

we need to die so that we can live, so other parts of us can live. let the lies die. let the feelings of self-hate die and doubt and hatred and lack of worth.

parts of us waiting to be birthed

i am who i am because somebody loved me and my reciprocation of that gift is to love as fully as possible.

tender-hearted and tough-minded, soft, vulnerable, and precarious in how you feel

we are in exchange of broken humanity with each other as well as in ecological exchanges

a black woman speaks- beah richards (the book of poems) and the lisagay hamilton film:

identity has something to do with love and the amount of love that is absorbed –beah richards

we forget how to absorb love

we need to rehabilitate ourselves to absorb AND offer love

the moment we are in and how it creates a worry that love isn’t real or possible. we are saturated with structural oppression and hatred: how do we wring ourselves out? how do we squeeze this self and mutual hatred out?

we need an overflowing and excess of love. to heal our damaged hearts.

our society itself is in a deep state of trauma.

and an effect of trauma, or trauma itself is concerned with not being allowed to be. something happens, the traumatic experience, which stalls our ability to be ourselves (in some way, shape, or form, or in multiple). it severs the actions of the natural process of unfolding ourselves, especially through our desire to connect with others.

full self is always an exchange with others, with all kinds of beings

if you sever this exchange, if trauma severs it, as a defense mechanism and to protect ourselves from further harm, we unlearn connection to others. where connection was dangerous.

if this is a trauma survival mechanism: if you can’t create relationships (if it is difficult as a result of trauma), you create a reality in which creating relationships is impossible. if you are not allowed to be, you create a reality in which being is not real. you believe it is impossible to create relationships or truly be, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. it is not this way.

societally, we need to do trauma work.

art and play is trauma work.

unlearning

we need to be young again

we need joy. the joy of being with others, of receiving love, of glimpses of freedom

in the seed lies the will to become.

i will make my peace with birth

marlene:

religion is weaponized, punitive, a force of war and colonization. science and nature are deeply distrusted and rejected.

you can transform yourself, then others see it and are amazed—i want that, what is s/he doing—and you are being yourself and people want that.

mutual transformation and teaching and learning

we can’t deal in crude forms and stereotypes

there’s more to being alive than matter

can plants hear? scientific american

is the earth a sentient being with self-awareness?

every cell is sentient in the sense that everything matters and has value

the self going through the other is love

love can be a politics and “economy” in the sense of participation and mutualism and exchange. love also always includes letting go. you are the only one who can decide to die.

an intersectional feminist cosmology: fundamentally different ways of understanding reality.

TAURUS FULL MOON

to think about the love you’d like to manifest in your life. something i hope for us all: big self-love & nurturance: to manifest an ever-more loving, empathic, and forgiving relationship to yourself, ourselves. to manifest love in everything you do and interact with and to key into your romance for life and living.

to fill your life with good food, friends, family, experiences, creativity, beauty, and nature. to experience appreciation for all of this. the beauty in every moment, the magic of experience. to manifest stability and passion, surprise and ease, comfort, deliberation, and loyalty. most importantly, loyalty to yourself and your needs, desires, boundaries. to enact all your desires and deal breakers around relation with yourself.

loving care! cherish the day!

love is not a luxury, it’s a necessity.

[bandagekid]

[3/14/17, 9:01:42 PM] aub: i am really fragile [3/14/17, 9:01:47 PM] aub: im like [3/14/17, 9:01:50 PM] aub: petrified [3/14/17, 9:01:57 PM] aub: im overwhelmed [3/14/17, 9:02:45 PM] Jimmy: why [3/14/17, 9:05:22 PM] aub: everything [3/14/17, 9:05:24 PM] aub: just [3/14/17, 9:05:31 PM] aub: im unable to speak [3/14/17, 9:05:36 PM] aub: my head feels like it’s going to burst [3/14/17, 9:05:56 PM] aub: everything is too loud and too much and too often [3/14/17, 9:08:26 PM] Jimmy: : ( [3/14/17, 9:09:10 PM] aub: i feel like [3/14/17, 9:09:51 PM] aub: im crumbling undr pressure [3/14/17, 9:10:04 PM] aub: thats not even it [3/14/17, 9:10:11 PM] aub: there’s no pressure to crumble from [3/14/17, 9:10:18 PM] aub: i just cant handle anything [3/14/17, 9:10:26 PM] aub: if anyone asks me to do anything ill break [3/14/17, 9:11:15 PM] aub: the only thing that makes sense to me right now is like [3/14/17, 9:11:18 PM] aub: clothing [3/14/17, 9:11:39 PM] Jimmy: whats bothering u [3/14/17, 9:11:43 PM] Jimmy: like [3/14/17, 9:11:44 PM] Jimmy: rly [3/14/17, 9:12:12 PM] aub: well at first it was the rejection [3/14/17, 9:12:15 PM] aub: then it was jacky [3/14/17, 9:12:30 PM] aub: then it was being left alone with myself [3/14/17, 9:12:37 PM] aub: then it was my insomnia [3/14/17, 9:12:46 PM] aub: then it was the rejection again [3/14/17, 9:13:16 PM] aub: and my parents having me schedule 2000000000 bajillion things [3/14/17, 9:13:24 PM] aub: like 5 different college campus visits [3/14/17, 9:13:33 PM] aub: and at the same time write a letter of repeal [3/14/17, 9:13:43 PM] aub: basically rejecting my rejection [3/14/17, 9:13:55 PM] aub: and then getting yelled at for my cotillion [3/14/17, 9:14:03 PM] aub: and then taste testing for my cotillion [3/14/17, 9:14:07 PM] aub: and then being asked about dresses [3/14/17, 9:14:09 PM] aub: my court [3/14/17, 9:14:11 PM] aub: my music [3/14/17, 9:14:14 PM] aub: photography [3/14/17, 9:14:21 PM] aub: it’s all too much and i dont care about any of it [3/14/17, 9:14:24 PM] aub: i just want to die [3/14/17, 9:14:36 PM] aub: i just wanna rot [3/14/17, 9:14:50 PM] aub: im too fragile right now to deal with any of this [3/14/17, 9:14:55 PM] aub: i just want to take some time for myself [3/14/17, 9:14:58 PM] aub: and i tried to [3/14/17, 9:15:05 PM] aub: i was even enjoying driving alone by myself [3/14/17, 9:15:08 PM] aub: being by myself [3/14/17, 9:15:13 PM] aub: being alone in the house [3/14/17, 9:15:17 PM] aub: then my parents came home [3/14/17, 9:15:27 PM] aub: i woke up this morning [3/14/17, 9:15:30 PM] aub: from 2 hours of sleep [3/14/17, 9:15:36 PM] aub: because that’s what ive been getting every night [3/14/17, 9:15:49 PM] aub: and i woke up with this irrational fear that i was gonna die [3/14/17, 9:16:05 PM] aub: sleep deprivation makes ur amygdala hyperactive [3/14/17, 9:16:12 PM] aub: thats the fear factor in ur brain [3/14/17, 9:16:34 PM] aub: then school [3/14/17, 9:16:36 PM] aub: everyday is like [3/14/17, 9:16:48 PM] aub: a set of obstacles im struggling to get past [3/14/17, 9:16:58 PM] aub: everyday feels like a struggle to like [3/14/17, 9:17:05 PM] aub: not die [3/14/17, 9:17:13 PM] aub: im like actively surpressing the urge [3/14/17, 9:17:28 PM] aub: i was yelling in the car driving alone to school because i almost got lost because of my gps [3/14/17, 9:17:45 PM] aub: just yelling into the dark because the sun hadnt even risen yet and i didnt know where i was going [3/14/17, 9:17:51 PM] aub: fear and confusion and stress [3/14/17, 9:18:16 PM] aub: stress of asking myself if im going to make it to class on time [3/14/17, 9:18:47 PM] aub: like every single class is just [3/14/17, 9:19:19 PM] aub: constant fear and feeling of being overwhelmed [3/14/17, 9:19:26 PM] aub: like this stupendous feeling of [3/14/17, 9:19:34 PM] aub: i have to fucking get out of here [3/14/17, 9:19:38 PM] aub: or something bad is gonna happen [3/14/17, 9:19:42 PM] aub: i can feel it [3/14/17, 9:19:50 PM] aub: even though nothing bad ever happens [3/14/17, 9:19:55 PM] aub: that’s what anxiety is like [3/14/17, 9:20:04 PM] aub: ur brain telling u ur gonna die [3/14/17, 9:20:15 PM] aub: depression is ur brain telling u that you want to die [3/14/17, 9:20:34 PM] aub: depression is also being petrified by your own incompetence [3/14/17, 9:23:37 PM] aub: at the same time [3/14/17, 9:23:45 PM] aub: kind of relieved with the familiarity [3/14/17, 9:24:35 PM] aub: and at the same time pissed off with myself for being so self destructive and choosing to let myself wallow in the confusion of things that i have no control over [3/14/17, 9:25:11 PM] aub: thinking to myself when i go to class and finding a sense of pride in angst like [3/14/17, 9:25:35 PM] aub: no one here hates themselves as much as i do or is as mentally ill as i am [3/14/17, 9:25:47 PM] aub: except for when i’m with my best friends [3/14/17, 9:25:51 PM] aub: like tasha and galang [3/14/17, 9:26:35 PM] aub: a sense of repose knowing that galang hates herself as much as i do despite not feeling as much emotional distress as me [3/14/17, 9:26:47 PM] aub: it’s so disgusting resorting to the suffering game [3/14/17, 9:27:11 PM] aub: i mean i wouldnt ever say this out loud but that’s what’s going on in my head and it’s fucked up and unhealthy and im indulging in it [3/14/17, 9:27:36 PM] aub: while being so indulged in this kind of thought process i am [3/14/17, 9:27:53 PM] aub: unable to focus on anything or perform anything that anyone asks of me [3/14/17, 9:28:03 PM] aub: things like [3/14/17, 9:28:04 PM] aub: eating [3/14/17, 9:28:07 PM] aub: taking a shower [3/14/17, 9:28:12 PM] aub: writing a letter [3/14/17, 9:28:26 PM] aub: rearranging my pillows or bedsheets [3/14/17, 9:28:30 PM] aub: cleaning my room [3/14/17, 9:28:37 PM] aub: are incredibly hard for me to do [3/14/17, 9:29:13 PM] aub: or if im having an asthma attack i sometimes just sit there trying to sleep it off because i’m unable to help myself [3/14/17, 9:30:09 PM] aub: i tell myself like maybe if i were in a different environment and i had hope and obligation then i could do it because i can see myself doing all of these things but actively execute not executing [3/14/17, 9:30:20 PM] aub: talk about executive dysfunction [3/14/17, 9:30:30 PM] aub: so that’s what’s really bothering me