#my travel anxiety is so bad
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i cant check my bags in until 4 hours prior to my flight so i have to sit here in the entrance of the nashville airport alone i want to kms
#don’t make fun of me! but tsa and checking bags in alone and finding my gate all stresses me out so much#and i thought i’d be with sierra for that#i’m on the verge of a breakdown#my travel anxiety is so bad#i want to sob
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it's been over a whole month since i had a stupid argument with my parents about driving, a skill that i legally possess but hate doing because i have a special brain illness that makes me fear death and injury, but i'm still chewing over an absurd claim that it's "equally dangerous to go on a 14 hour train ride like you just did". literally how is that more dangerous. in what way. in what world. public transport is nice and good and i like it and i don't have to enter my personal torment nexus
#goddddd it was so bad#i was trying to explain that yes i understand the importance of maintaining my skill but also i want to build my life in a way that doesn't#depend on doing a thing that stabs me directly in the mental illness#and i was basically told that im both a whiny coward that doesn't wanna do scary things AND i do scary things all the time?????#pick one!!!!!!!!! either im a stupid sheltered baby or im a brave soldier who understands the danger of being alive!!#ive always been a Good and Agreeable child but ive been grounded One time in my life#and that was when my parents were teaching me to ride a bike without training wheels and it stressed me out and made me cry so much#I WONDER IF MAYHAPS I HAVE ANXIETY#I KNOW I GOTTA DO SCARY THINGS BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS SCARY AND I DO THEM ANYWAY#but like sending an email is not putting my life at risk as like. car traffic#and for all my anxiety the only fear ive ever had about public transport has been like. missing a train or a bus#im not afraid of travelling alone or sharing a space with people???#and p much most public vehicles are safer than personal cars????#drivers of the vehicles receive more rigorous training and stuff??? and also they get a lot of experience bc they do it every day???#how is that less safe than putting a mentally ill nervous wreck in the torment nexus#is this what evangelion was about bc im not sure
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Brennan is playing bagpipes! Murph is HYPE! Emily's dress is ADORABLE! Ally is ROCKING a kilt! Siobhan is ROCKING plad! Zac is running laps! I have missed the Intrepid Heroes SO MUCH! 😭😭😭 It feels like AGES since I've seen them!
CRUSHED there is no Lou, but I'm getting a weekly dose of Lou content as I catch up on WBN so at least I have that.
Also, the stage design? With the triangle dice-side shapes?! So fun!
#dimension 20#time quangle#SO jealous i will probably never get to see them live 😭#the NY show is right before my birthday but it's on the other side of the country and travel is BAD for my anxiety if i'm alone#and i have no one to go with 😭😭😭😭😭
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looking for mutuals that are going to the svt US tour 👀
#rosemont is my first option for the tour but if you’re going to another tour date you can also let me know (if you’re comfortable with that#and for some reason my anxiety gets really bad when i travel to other country for a concert#so knowing someone is also going could help#also i have questions bc moving in the US is so freaking complicated and i just don’t understand distances lol#i’m so sad they’re not coming here but i saved money to see them and i feel like this is my only chance#anyway sorry for rambling
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being at work makes me so miserable
#its not even that bad#but my anxiety is at an all time high here#im just uncomfortable#retail isnt for me i don't like talking to strangers im tired of most of my coworkers I'm just kind of waiting for this place to shut down#i don't want a job at all honestly#i wish i could just perform live music and do art commissions and sell clothes for money#but alas this economy and my depression won't allow that#nothing seems worth doing#i have no motivation and give up on something as soon as i start#i watch too much tv and get depressed i listen to too much music and get overstimulated and i never feel at peace or fulfilled anymore#and capitalism is one of the main roots of that. i just know it#we could all be so much happier. there is so much more to life than this#i want to travel#i want to spontaneously quit my job and take a cross country road trip but my car is not in road trip condition#i need to put new rear tires on before i should be driving it anymore at all#i want to be w my boyfriend cuddling & laughing & i wanna see cool things & see my favorite band in all the cities I haven't been to yet#i dont want... this#whatever this society is#working the day away not being able to be my own person 5 days a week and being too exhausted & depressed to leave home the rest of the day#i want to be able to live#i want my brain to let me function and my body to be at full health#i want to run through the woods on a cloudy crisp fall day#ive become so sensitive to temperature and numb to everything that i don't even get the same joy from being outside that i used to#also global warming lmao#ok vent over
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HELLOOOO THERE
I just wanted to drop by, I'm 3 years older wooooo time FLIES, I got rid of my titties a year ago and i've been on T for a week, I go more by livio or lio or beelio now, hope you're doing good, the horrors are endless but we stay silly!
I'm over at @beesinspades now, still writing fics and making all my faves asexual, but I also picked up drawing because trigun rewired my brain chemistry.
(READ TRIGUN MAXIMUM VIA @trigun-manga-overhaul WATCH TRIGUN STAMPEDE THE ORDER DOESN'T MATTER TRUST MEEEE IT'S SO GOOD I KNOW YOU WANT TO)
#most of october november was an absolute nightmare and i still got a medical exam to go through but except that this year was pretty good#despite mooonths of tummy issues and my anxiety trying to convince me I must have cancer every time there's something weird going on with m#wrote a lot started T was a playtester on baldur's gate 3 improved at drawing traveled for the first time in 4 years#AND GOT INTO TRIGUN. WHAT WOULD I HAVE DONE WITHOUT TRIGUN#so yay it wasn't all bad#watch the first 3-4 eps of trigun stampede#trust me
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honestly i forgot about white collar for nearly a decade until matt bomer started showing up on my dash again in gay gifsets from fellow travelers, a show that i am self aware enough to know i will not be able to emotionally handle
#it LOOKS really good but lets be so real. i can't emotionally handle most things#and that looks like it'll devastate me#not pjo#chitter chatter#tea watches tv#sorry folks my anxiety is really high tonight?#if yall were around for college or god FORBID high school then you know sometimes when im anxious i post like. a lot. like a lot a lot#it's been a bad few days in my brain#i need to talk to someone and yes i have friends online that i am also talking to but like. here we are#also like not trying to trivialize fellow travelers#some of those gifsets destroyed me WITHOUT watching the show#and others were gay sex scenes#good for them love to see it
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Finished packing at half 7, took an hour nap and then only just made it to my coach with a couple of minutes to spare, I live on the edge. The edge of a panic attack
#ace is a mess#packing perils#travel tag#tw: anxiety#im such a dumbass i literally could not get my brain to engage with the tasks#i left without doing everything i needed/wanted to and thats already after i realised as i was about to lock my flat#that i forgot my laptop charger and had to go back in for it cant wait to realise what else ive forgotten when i get home ✌️😗#i had to collect packages before i left and one of them turned out to be one of the presents i thought wasnt coming so thats something#god my heart is pounding and raining so i was tryna drag my stupid luggage around on slippery cobbles whilst in a panic#not my finest and yet somehow not my dumbest but im making new records for that every year at uni#is not as bad as my friend's travel experience though and as far as my mum is aware i was completely organised and responsible#maybe ill remember to get checked for adhd while im home at the gp im actually registered to
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In theory I love travel in practice I love seeing new places but actively hate the process of traveling but also as we all know joy is nothing without pain so I think the high grade anxiety I always run while flying is the cost for unfathomable joy I experience travelling with people I care for💞
#I'm always like “hahahaha why am I so exhausted every travel day” the answer is I spend 4-12 hours stressing#it'll be okay always and I adore everything I get out of travel#i just thought by this point my flight anxiety would be gone#not as bad as it once was but. not gone
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米＾－＾米
#weeeeee i’m v 🥰#a few weeks ago work was just burning me tf out#so me and my best friend booked a 3 day trip to one of our fave cities in europe#an we got here at 9am today#n went to our fave cafe for coffee n pancakes#and ordered their banging apple pie#like an entire one just to treat ourselves bc it’s so good haahha#an then we checked in at the hotel n had a nap#n we’ve been here all evening just chilling out#an we chromecasted dan n phil to the tv#and ate sooooo much good food#and tomo we’re going to disney ☺️#feeling v v v lucky and v relaxed#like i have such bad travel anxiety and i’ve been sooo chill today it’s amazing 😭#and i’ve been able to eat so well which is also difficult on travel days an in unfamiliar places#it’s been very good for my brain 💛#very lucky n very privileged and a nice lil break from my current job#and a celebration for the new one!!#bp
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this is personal, so feel free to ignore if you need to, but I am loooooooooosing my mind lol, so I gotta externalize the stress
tldr: pray for my stress and reliance upon God, I guess?
#Gist of it all is:#I applied to study abroad next semster#And I wanna go SO. BAD.#Because it would be beautiful and amazing and really hard and so exciting#Christian program + my dream travel location + great academics + great conversation starter for grad schools#And also—I’ve told people I’m applying#And so the idea of not getting in is scary#Because one of my sins is that I find it embarrassing for people to know that I’ve failed#OR (worse) that I’ve experienced emotional disappointment.#And I’m trying to be healthier about that!! So I told people I was applying when it was relevant#But! The! Thing! Is!#The program said I'd hear back in 2-3 weeks#And today is the end of week 3#AND I HAVEN’T HEARD BACK YET#so I’m going craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy#And I’m just vacillating between resignation/despair/anxiety and praying for peace while trying to be hopeful#But y’all. I am afraid.#And I just want so many rhings#I want to know#and to not know#and to get in#and to want God’s will#and for God’s will to be for me to go lol#In conclusion#I am stressed#I’m gonna reach out#But the fear is strong
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holy shit i wouldnt spend 11 hours on public transportation to see my own relatives and hirano's gonna do it to go visit his roomate of like 4 months?? who he saw no more than a week ago??? boy is down bad and he doesnt even know it yet
#who tf does that???#my travel anxiety is bad enough as is that i wouldnt even wanna travel like that with my immediate family members#christ#i know i know its been so long since I've posted an update but tbf I've been really busy#hirano to kagiura#kagihira spoilers#kagihira liveblogging
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#aaaaaah I can't wait for tomorrow#actually i can#but like miserably#i still have to finish my term paper tho so 🥲#current plan is to be at the venue at 3 pm but tbh it's up to the db gods#the next time i will have more than 5 hours of sleep will be next thursday#alright wait let me start over again#so tomorrow i'm going to berlin for bc#on sunday i'm going to Leipzig and on Wednesday I have VIP for Munich but I have anxiety so I'll be 4 hrs early anyway#and because we're trying to save money (and failing) i only have a hostel for munich :)))#three cheers for sleeping in train stations at 3 in the morning i guess#what doesn't help is that the trams are currently on strike so i'll either have to walk or get a taxi to my apartment#which sucks#anyway and to top it all off i got a bout of the big sad recently so i haven't been able to work on my term paper#which i have to hand in next thursday at the latest#but i only have until today to work on it bc i'll be travelling around until... next thursday when i have to hand it in#this is bad#anyway but enough of that I'M SO LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING EVERYBODY AGAIN!!!!#and praying that they play red taillights live#that song has been living in my head rent free#as well as not your bro for some reason????
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in a years (and some change) time since i i have become a signifigant stoner which really makes sense considering its up there with sumatriptan for relieving migraine pain tbh
#going to miss her while away from home for moms wedding rip#but also theres no way im going to even consider trying to travel w it considering how much anxiety flying already gives me#will use it as a lil t break instead#and just be very stocked in sunatriptan just in case#also trying to smoke light leading up to when i leave as well altho mixed success on that bc ow ow migraines#i woke up w auch a bad one today. really almost cried at work more out of frustration#bc literally today is the first fucking day i have pto again#i was two and a half.hours short on pto last paycheck bc of needing to take time off bc of migraines#and i thought i was gonna have to take pto on the First day of having pto again i was gonna scream#i tried to call to schedule w a neurologist bc previously ive been trialing meds thru my pcp#but at this point i think its worth trying to find a neurologist i can stand bc of how much ive been struggling#but they need a referral which i should have expected but now i need to get ahold of my pcp who is bad at responding to portal messages#so. sigh.
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goodnight everyone 🥹 wish me luck flying alone tomorrow <3
#It’s worth it for taylor#but flying alone scares me so much fkehskwhkswhmswhjshe my travel anxiety is so bad#txt
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Feeling a lil vindictive, a lil nasty this morning
So context, my brother had a work do last night and before he left he told my mum he'd becoming back here and doing so alone. So tell me why he called me at 3am when I'm trying to sleep but travel anxiety and says he's bringing two mates back? I tell him he can't I'm leaving at 6 tomorrow he just goes yeah they'll just be passing through your room. No I've gotta get up in 3 hours you can't be keeping up, yeah it's fine. The fuck it is not
Anyway so my alarm goes off 3 hours later I've barely slept, my brain already woke me up several times prior but that doesn't mean I'm turning my alarms off immediately or getting ready quietly after the prick disturbed my sleep
#Demon Spawn#travel tag#the rest of my siblings got a nice goodbye but im not a morning person on a good night sleep let alone when i havent been able to sleep#like i wouldnt have gotten much sleep regardless because of anxiety but i woulda been able to fall asleep sooner if i hadnt been dragged out#of bed kept awake by the rage induced adrenaline and the sounds of sports being played on tv and chatter in the next room#and hes gonna spend all day in bed anyway so i dont feel guilty particularly when hes had guests over constantly for the two weeks ive been#home which denies me access to the ensuite and kitchenette thats accessible from his room and he constantly keeps me awake#i dont get to enjoy my comfy non student accommodation bed because the fcker never lets me go to sleep and my mum wont let me sleep in#i did fix my sleep schedule minutely was getting tired at 12 instead of 2am from where i fcked it during assignment season so small mercies#had to wake my littlest brothers up to say goodbye and the babby started crying 😢 my mum wanted me to wake her and the baby up too#but the baba was still half asleep and definitely not processing that i was leaving 😂 she was so unbothered guarantee ill have to facetime#my dad dropped me to the bus stop and hes as bad at small talk and emotionally constipated as me but he was just coming back from a night#shift so i appreciate that that was him putting in extra effort and him checking i had enough money is as close to sentiment as he can do#everyone else? cute goodbye. my sister was already awake when i got up to the house pretty sure she had an alarm set.....#my oldest younger brother? i hope the hangover sucks
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