#my wifi is crappy and this is actually decent timing

[mzkora]

SPN TROPE ROUND ROBIN

Round 3- Prompt: Remix/Inspired by @spn-trope-round-robin

Title: tenderized

Rating: G/PG

Author: kestra_troi on AO3 aka me

Inspiration: “Red Meat Well Done”, by catnipster

Tags: Episode Coda for S11e17 Red Meat, Hurt/Comfort, gencest, No Sex, Hurt!Sam, Caring!Dean, Emotions

Summary: After the events of Red Meat, Dean decides to take Sam to a motel for some proper rest.

As they crossed state lines Dean eased off the gas. The distance helped. Sam’s almost death was hundreds of miles and a whole state behind them in the rear view mirror. Along with all his earlier bravado and jokes. That had been much too close. He nearly lost his little brother. Again.

For just a second, Dean glanced over at Sam, watching that broad chest slowly rise and fall. He had lasted all of half an hour before falling asleep, which Dean had taken as proof of how close to that razor’s edge everything had been. A tiny slip here or there and...The End. Luck. It was all pure luck. He studied his little brother, giving him a once-over as he had done for the whole drive so far. Poor kid must have been exhausted. Out like a light with his head resting against the window, his chin propped up by his arm.

Eyes back on the road ahead, Dean turned down the soft rock station so it was more in the background since Sam didn’t seem to really need the help sleeping. He fidgeted in his seat, feeling a bit cramped after so many hours on the road without a single stop. First, he stretched out his legs as best he could within the confines of the car. Then, he rolled the tension out of his shoulders and neck, which popped. He groaned and flexed his fingers only then realizing how tightly he had been holding on to the steering wheel. He took a deep breath and forced himself to relax into the seat. He checked Sam out in his periphery, reassuring himself that his little brother was still there. Still breathing. Still just asleep.

Dean blinked, taking stock of their surroundings pretty much for the first time since they had gotten in the car. Not that there wasn’t much out there to speak of other than the road. Eventually though, after a few more miles, he did see a sign for the next town. Dean considered his options for a moment. Keep driving for at least another four or five hours to get to the Bunker or set up camp in town and start home later? Dean leaned forward to peer up at the sky which was still pretty much grey from horizon to horizon, but the east side was clearly getting darker. Then he sat back and looked at the clock. The sun would be setting soon. Maybe another hour of daylight left at the most.

They’d gone far enough for one lousy day. Sam deserved to rest in an actual bed. Coming back from the precipice all on his own and saving his life in the process? His little brother was a goddamn hero. A badass. And badasses deserved a nice, comfy mattress and some halfway decent pillows. They had earned a short break, right? So, when the exit came up, Dean pulled off the highway and rolled into town. He skipped the skeevy looking places on the outskirts of this run of the mill town for a motel that actually looked like it got cleaned once in a while in what seemed to be their downtown.

The Royal Inn was the one he settled on, with a quiet snort. As if royalty would ever be within a thousand miles of this place, but irony notwithstanding he cruised into the parking lot. He pulled up to the office and slowed to a smooth stop, not wanting to jostle Sam too much. He paused a second and checked Sam over one more time. Still breathing steady. Still asleep.

This one had been way too close. Way. Too. Close. The words kept playing on repeat in his head as they had for the entire day’s drive. Dean frowned, his eyes going soft and watery. With a sniff, Dean unbuckled his seat belt and opened his door, grabbing his wallet out of his back pocket while he got out of the car. He closed the door gently, more so than he normally would bother with and made sure he had the right ID and credit card to match before heading inside. At the office door he stole one more look at Sammy before ducking in to rent a room for a few days. They had earned a break. A mini-holiday. Just until Sam got back on his feet. Then they could go home and bunker down for a while. Maybe have a crappy action movie marathon with all the trimmings. Really live it up for a weekend before jumping back into the fray.

Room key cards in hands, Dean got back into the Impala and stared at Sam for a moment, briefly torn. Wake him now or wait until they were parked in front of the room? Did it matter? Not really. Dean closed his door without being too careful this time and took a hold of the wheel with his left hand while with the right he palmed his brother’s knee. Warm and solid just like it ought to be. “Gotta wake up, Sammy,” he said, giving the knee a squeeze. His hand slid up his brother’s thigh of its own accord and Dean let it sit there a second absorbing some of that wonderful body heat. When Sam didn’t stir, he gave him a couple quick taps to the leg to spur him on. “We’re here, Sleeping Beauty.”

Sam jerked awake and groaned, wincing at his own sudden movement. He blinked, rubbing his eyes as he carefully sat upright. “Dean?”

“Got us a room for a couple nights,” Dean explained, slowly driving off to find their spot. “Thought we could take it easy for a bit. Get you well.”

“I’m fine,” Sam mumbled, running his hand down his face.

“I know,” Dean replied, going along with that ridiculous assessment. He barely held in an eye-roll. After all these years he knew better than to try and argue outright with his little brother. That damn stubbornness saved their lives all the time, but it also annoyed the hell out of him sometimes too. Dean threw on the charm and smarm. “But we’ve both had a rough go the past twenty four hours, so a few days relaxing in a motel with some good, old fashioned pay-per-view will do us good.”

Sam huffed a laugh, then grimaced, one hand going to his stomach. Dean’s playful smirk lost a little bit of it’s sparkle, seeing Sam in pain. His eyes went to Sam’s abdomen, then his face, then back to the parking lot. “Yeah, okay,” Sam muttered, his words tattered around the edges. He swallowed, his mouth obviously dry.

Dean’s face went flat. He kicked himself for not stopping along the way to get them some water. Plus, Sam was really in pain if he wasn’t even going to argue at least a little. The pain meds he had gotten at the clinic must be wearing off. Dean pushed on the gas and scanned the numbers on the motel doors. He found their room and pulled into the nearest parking spot. Soon as he got Sam settled in for the night, he’d make a supply run. Stock up for the next three days of rehabilitation. He held out one of their key cards. “You good to get in on your own?”

“I’m fine, Dean,” Sam insisted, some of his natural brattiness coming out. He took the card Dean offered without another word and started to unbuckle his seatbelt.

The corner of Dean’s mouth curled up into a half smile. “Just asking, princess,” he quipped. “I’ll get our bags. Why don’t you head in and see what they got on offer. Classic Skinemax will put some color back in your cheeks.”

“Dean,” Sam whined, half exasperated and half amused. He rolled his eyes and shook his head, a faint blush rising to his cheeks nonetheless. A full smile spread across Dean’s face. Sam smiled at him, his face full of fondness. “Shut up,” he grumbled, pushing open his door.

Dean watched, still concerned but happy too, as Sam took his time in getting his ass out of the car. Dean waited. If he offered to help Sam would complain some more and wave him off, but every nerve in his body was honed in on Sammy, watching his every movement. Once Sam got his long limbs out and shut the door, Dean snapped into action.

He killed the ignition, yanked out the keys, got out, closed his door, opened the trunk, grabbed their overnight bags, slammed it shut and locked up the whole thing in the time it took Sam to amble his way to the room and open their door. Dean was quick on his heels, holding the door open for Sam once the great lummox passed through despite carrying everything. Sam, meanwhile, flicked on the lights. “Nice place,” he pointed out. Dean shrugged. So maybe he had splurged a little. Instead of the most basic two Queen beds, he had opted for two kings. And a microwave, and mini fridge, and coffeemaker. Basically what amounted to the deluxe suite around these parts.

“Only one in town with WiFi,” Dean lied, shutting down any chance of a debate. He really did not want to have to wrestle Sam into a three-day vacation. He needed bed rest and Dean was damn sure his little brother was going to get it. Sam nodded and headed further in, shuffling his way towards the beds. No rebuttal and no agenda other than going straight to bed. Dean walked inside and placed the Do Not Disturb sign on the doorknob before closing the door and locking them in for the night. “I knew my nerdy younger brother would demand internet access, so he could read articles about tax law and politics and other boring stuff like that.”

“It’s not boring,” Sam countered, tired but still a younger brother. “It’s important.”

“Of course, of course,” Dean facetiously placated while depositing their bags on the luggage rack. Sam wandered to the left hand bed and gingerly reached down to pull out the bedding. Dean hovered, at the ready. Sam got one corner free and most of that one side then gave up and slowly began to sit. Dean strode over and immediately finished untucking the rest of the sides.

“I got this, De,” Sam complained, hissing as he lowered himself down.

“Just making sure,” Dean replied. He yanked the covers out from under his brother as quick as he could and pushed them aside so they could be in easy reach. Once he got to the other side of the bed, he nabbed both pillows and stuffed them directly behind his brother’s back so he would be propped up. Sam didn’t comment on that, but Dean could feel his ambivalence even without him saying anything. He held out his hands so Sam could use him for balance if need be as he turned to lay down. Sam didn’t wave him off, but he also didn’t take Dean up on his silent offer. He gradually lifted one leg up onto the mattress without having to move too much.

Dean saw Sam’s grimace coming a mile away. “Here, let me.”

“I’m fine,” Sam reiterated, his breath huffy with strain. Despite his protests, he went a little limp and Dean swooped in. He crossed back over to Sam’s side and gently eased Sam’s long legs up onto the mattress and out to their full length. Sam sighed, wriggling to find a comfortable position. Dean sat at the foot of the bed and without any prompting started untying Sam’s boots. “De, you don’t have to—“

“Hey,” Dean interjected, all jokes aside. He looked Sam square in the eye. “Lemme take care of you a little, huh?”

Sam bit his lip, whatever masculine rebuke he had at the ready dying away under Dean’s determined expression. He nodded. Dean did the same then went back to taking off his brother’s boots.

The laces were a bit crusty with blood and mud, but Dean untangled them. Then holding the back of Sam’s shin, Dean gently tugged the boot off. Sam took a steadying breath. Dean paused. On Sam’s signal Dean helped him off with the other boot, then placed them on the floor by the bed.

“There. That wasn’t so bad was it?” Sam shook his head, his long hair pushed back behind his ears. Dean grinned and went for the socks. Sam curled his toes. “My feet are cold,” he said quiet and feeble like a little kid.

��Okay.” Dean grabbed the sheets and blanket instead. He draped them over Sam’s legs and tucked them in. Like he used to do when Sammy was a kid. The you-are-not-getting-out-of-bed-without-my-help obvious. He got the bedding up to Sam’s waist, then helped his brother sit up and get out of his jacket one arm at a time. “They give you a list of antibiotics?”

“Jacket pocket.”

Dean fished for a second and came up with the folded print out from the clinic. He unfolded it and started skimming. “What about painkillers?”

“On there too.”

“I’ll get ‘em in the morning,” Dean proclaimed.

“I need a bath,” Sam said, leaning into his pillows like a storybook princess. His eyes already fighting to stay open.

“Tomorrow, Sammy.” Dean stuffed the care instructions into his back pocket and smirked. “I’ll get a bucket and a sponge.”

“And a sexy nurse outfit?” Sam quipped, a sleepy smile on his lips.

“You bet, Sammy. The whole nine yards. Might even get a sexy chick in here to wear it.” Dean stepped up to Sam’s side and helped bring the sheets up to Sam’s chest. Sam let him, doing nothing but pull his arms free and settle them on top of the blanket cocoon.

Dean’s heart clenched seeing Sam so pale and weak. “You gave me quite a scare there for a minute, Sammy,” he whispered, brushing his thumb along his brother’s forehead like he used to do when they were little.

“Sorry, De,” Sam mumbled, a contented sigh escaping as he drowsily leaned into his brother’s soft, warm touch. He closed his eyes.

“Not your fault, Sammy,” Dean assured him. On a whim he couldn’t deny, he leaned forward and placed a kiss on Sam’s forehead. He froze in place, shocked at his own actions. Sam hummed softly. Dean got up in a flash and stepped back only then realizing he was still holding Sam’s jacket. He looked between his brother and the jacket and murmured, “Night night, Sammy.”

Sam mumbled some sounds but then he was out like a light. Again. Dean watched him sleep for a moment, relief and shame and need all warring in his chest for pride of place. He clutched Sam’s jacket tightly, then brought it up to his face. The jacket was still warm from Sammy’s body heat and Dean took a deep whiff. It smelled of hospital, that sterile antiseptic stink, and faintly of blood, but also of Sam. That pure, working-man’s musk he knew as well as his own hit his brain and his chest relaxed.

His Sammy was alive. That’s all that mattered. That’s all that ever mattered, really. Something clicked in his head. A jigsaw piece sliding into place, a perfect fit and necessary for the whole thing to make sense. Sammy. It was always Sammy. And it always would be, Sammy as long as Dean was alive. He didn’t need anyone else. No other soul than the one he shared with his perfect baby brother.

It wasn’t anything he hadn’t already thought or said as much out loud, but that haunting uneasiness regarding that simple truth was gone. As was the shame. Sammy was his world. Point blank. How many times had he proven that to himself, to Sam, and pretty much everyone they had ever met? Sammy was his whole world and his world was alive and needed him. What more could he ask for right at this moment?

[unproduciblesmackdown]

some random numbers: 1, 3, 6, 15, 23, 31, 35, 40. give me ur ungodly long answers.

lmaooo YES brevity whom......i cannot be concise

1) favorite videos?

i sure spent 2010 - 2014 enjoying youtube horror interpersonal-drama series marble hornets, those are a good time. and here in the future you and i both know there is just a wellspring of wrol-related Video Content out there, god damn, i really love so many of them.....in between that there’s sure been a lot of fun and funney videos and like, some Artistique ones i like to revisit [or have disappeared :( ] but i always like to promote this Wuthering Heights one. i love it. oh lol!!!! and the uh, Skate 3 Glitch compilations!!! so so funny

3) favorite memes?

i think Deep Fried Memes are fun all the time lol. the Youtube Meme of “___ but ____” is a lot of fun OH YEAH steamed hams was awesome too. the 24601 Releases A Sammich On Parole ytp is priceless......this is just turning into favorite videos again lmao. vine as a meme and a whole

6)favorite mixes?

you know i never really made or used playlists lol!!!! i will just be like, in the mood for certain songs or else like “i want to listen to music but....which ones”.....i say i can never be concise and all of these answers turning out short lol. it’s not b/c i’m Concise but b/c like, i don’t know what Favorites i have and i don’t have a memory that works without Direct Reminders of Specific Things so i’m just failing to like, come up with the info in the first place smh

15) favorite fictional characters?

here we go lol i can answer this one cuz when i have a fave rave it’s rare and like, easier to remember cuz i do not Go Hard about it that often.....weirdly for the first few years of The Decade i did’t really have such certain faves.....i was def enjoying some characters, as i always do, but nothing like super standout. then in ‘11 or ‘12 or whatever i was like oh hey, ed from cowboybeboy.......and then just had like, the solo experience of me humoring myself w/ that. bit of an usual one b/c a lot of the characters i Really latch on to will tend to be kinda roughly similar in ways that maybe seem pretty at-first-glance levels of obvious, buuut idk she’s not That far off from my usual selections i guess lol. anyways then in 2014 i was like, time to go ham for lars. what a valuable time it was....what Fun we had.....truly tho! and then another interval later it’s 2016 and for similarly (relatable characters of roughly the same cut) i was like, well here i am having a great time re: kip, all while getting to generously use of my fave shade of blue and fangs central and all that fun stuff. and then another interval later the Eventual Unfolding of what started innn 2017 i guess occurs, and it’s late 2018, and i’m like, time to look into Jared Kleinman b/c just from reading the wikipedia summary that didn’t mention him all that much i could tell this was probably a character i’d go ham for for predictable reasons, and the vague interest in that has stuck with me for the past little-over-a-year......and then i was Completely right lol. deh? well that’s just Bonus Jared Lore, to me (though of course alana in her own right is a great and similarly underappreciated character. rights)....and then of course i’ve had a lot of fun with pretty much each and every Wrol Role lmao.......Very fond of jeremy, and also christine, and bmc just has really enjoyable and interesting characters all over the place. and of course, here i am, Extremely #about winston quantbillions as another certified fave rave, really. call it classic!!!

[[answered both 23 and 31 prior, actually.....words were typed....]]

35)a random memory you remember with strange clarity?

tough one because lol a fair amount of “you recorded this memory in a fair amount of detail” is due to increased levels of unpleasantness / stress / discomfort, and if it’s also “i remember this b/c it was Nice” then i wouldn’t call that Strange clarity lol, and Random Memory like “just pull one up from the ol memory bank” is like, god, i wish it were that simple........but give me a min.

oh yeah i had a High Time of it when pokemon go came out (only pokemonn game i have ever played lol) coz there was like, this stretch of Landmarks stops that started at this garden and went along this waterfront / connected park forrr maybe like a half mile stretch? ideal territory and people would actually like, come from out of town to partake in it lol. and i’d Download podcast eps on my phone from my work’s wifi and just like, in the evening listen to that or music and just like, walk and do this shit. i had like five or six gyaradoses at one point cuz i guess the riverside nature of it meant they wanted to throw all these magikarp at you (there Were carp, also! one of the parks had a koi pond.) and like, there were just all these people around doing it along with you, even that late at night and in the early AM hours, so it was fairly social even if u weren’t there with a group or talking with anyone (though there was Camaraderie like, oh hey just so you guys know, there is a ____ over by the boat.) and it was just an interesting Walk with several things to look at and routes to take. and one time in a weird Dead Of Night time like 1am there was this like, smallish cruise ship docked that actually Set Off. and like, a bunch of us randos were just standing there and watching this unfold. this isn’t a very good Clear Random Memory but if i tried to think of a good one, god only knows how long it’d take me lol

40)an important personal revelation?

oh jeez this has really been a decade with lots of the unfortunate combo of “stuff that is a bummer but also boring” lol.......a benefit of getting to spend more time than not Away From The Parents’ House was like, oh sweet, having this perspective for long enough finally leads me to the conclusion of why i hate this......B/c It Is Bad. oh yeah and then there was also conclusively figuring out early in the decade like oh right, i’m trans, that makes sense.......other layers of Gayassedness like oh, more specifically i’m nonbinary, oh yeah and like, i’m not straight, call that queer and/or bi and/or also Gay......bein grey ace like a champ, and aromantic like, oh yeah i’m not like, fucking up at being a person somehow and Letting People Down by not wanting to date them (i mean besides rando cishet men. they can be let down regardless).....and just like, this ongoing process of getting the space to b figuring out myself and what i like For myself in alll kinds of ways....even up till now with the “oh yeah ive been a theatre gay all my life lmaooo” bit that’s like, totally obvious but just like, i didn’t much have the reason to even look at the would-be obvious stuff from the right perspex till now. and it’s pretty fun to realize a Lifelong Area Of Big Interest like that, cuz those sorts of things can feel elusive. and then also unfortunately a lot of the decade has involved like, “oh my self-esteem is so fucked that it’s circling back around and i’m appreciating and valuing myself and that i deserve decent treatment and Not bad shit,” which was a crappy process obviously lol but it was nice when i did start to get there, and making further progress on that front. im not dead certain when i was like “hmm...am autistic” b/c that was definitely a really ongoing process of figuring that out lol, but when / as i did it’s definitely a series of “oh hahaha this is why i’m like This or why i do This or feel like This about This!!” and it’s really easy to learn a totally Brand New Thing all the time abt bein autistic where it’s like Oh #Me!! coz yknow. the info By and For autistic ppl is not always widely available and known of. love that for us

[leoinjapan]

~ the end / ～終わり

right now i am tucked into bed back in my little hometown in torquay, thousands of miles from tokyo. this will be my last post on this blog (for now.) enjoy!

on the 21st july i went to kitasenju with friends, for my first hanabi taikai (fireworks show), which are very popular in the summer months. this show was so jampacked there was so space for the kind of little festival that usually goes on at these events, but it was still a great show with some stunning displays. it’s always nice to hang with friends!

i also went to fuji-q highland with friends, which is a very famous rollercoaster park near mt fuji. it has a rollercoaster with the steepest incline drop in the world. however, my favourite ride was called eejanaika (roughly translated by me as “isn’t that a bit whaaaat?”) which you definitely might utter upon seeing it. here is a video:

the park also has a section for my favourite anime ever called evangelion world! it had rough designs to see, and also large models and a projection show as well as recreations of the setting which were great to walk around

i also went to team borderless exhibition at the mori building in odaiba, which was full of digital art. it was a very surreal and beautiful experience that i will remember for a long time.

now for the trip to korea. strap in because this may take a while, i will try to be concise!

me and my friend arrived in seoul very early, and i don’t think i slept, so it was due to be an exhausting day. we thought we could buy a sim or portable wifi when we got there, but we found it was pretty expensive and so we decided just to rely on wifi we found on our way... which was pretty stressful but also a bit of an adventure.

we went on a bus to gangnam because we weren’t sure where to go at first. on the bus, a man who spoke fluent english gave us some suggestions where to go. he was extremely kind and i’m seriously grateful to him for putting us at ease when we had no knowledge of the place or the language!

gangnam is mainly just shops, which we weren’t that interested in at that moment, so we headed instead to our hotel to drop off our bags. i had thought that seoul and tokyo would be kind of similar, but they really aren’t. in seoul, people look at you a lot more, and are a bit more blunt (and sometimes rude-) but then out of nowhere they will turn into the kindest and most generous people you can meet.

me and my friend walked down insadong, a cute street with lots of crafts shops and stuff near our hotel. i walked into a store with bts merch because, well, bts, and the owner made a very enthusiastic attempt at english with me. i could barely read hangul (korean alphabet) at the time but he went through the map and made me read out all the important places on the map (my reading skills definitely improved under pressure). many people i met in korea were like this, going straight up to me and initiating a conversation with no pretenses, asking me about britain and how to pronounce english swear words. the vibe was completely different from tokyo.

in the evening me and my friend went to dongdaemun, famous for its fashion and music. i didn’t buy any clothes but i did have an amazing bowl of sulbing (shaved ice) with matcha, mochi and red bean. one of the best desserts i’ve had in my life!

near our hotel is one of seoul’s most popular palaces, gyeongbokgung. me and a friend paid to rent hanbok (korea’s national dress) so we could enter the palace for free and see the changing of the guard.

the palace was beautiful, with similar architecture to japan but with much more vibrant, pastel-like colours.

here you can see me in the hanbok passing through the gay initiation rainbow arch before i became a fully fledged gay. jk, we just found a random temple near our hotel that was really beautiful

i got heat exhaustion from walking around in 35C heat in the hanbok, but i recovered in time to go to itaewon in the evening where we went to a korean barbeque. unfortunately i could not afford the korean premium beef, but the beef i had was very good. after we found the street full of gay bars. we were called into a bar by a very flamboyant man, but it became clear no one could speak english except the bartender, who was busy but i still got to have a decent chat with. it was nice just to have a glimpse of the scene.

the next day we went to the national museum of korea. i always love a good museum, but i particularly loved the buddhist art and statues, since it’s a personal interest of mine! korea has such a complex history that i could not absorb it all going through the museum; i would love to study it in more detail.

afterwards we went to hongdae, the student district, which is full of cheap but trendy clothes. i got some cute earrings. i had a great drink at the coffee bean and tea leaf cafe. then we had fried chicken and beer at bbq, which is not a bbq, but a famous fried chicken place in korea. it was the best fried chicken i’ve ever had, the batter was made with olive oil and was to die for!

we barely had time but we rushed to seoul tower, which was only open for a little while longer. we went up to the top and had a brilliant view of the city lit up at night.

the next day we caught the bus to busan, the second largest city in south korea. the bus was pretty cheap actually, and comfy. if seoul was a bit grittier than tokyo, busan was even more so; it’s not so clean and the people side eye you a bit more. (some even refused to sit near us!) we didn’t have much time there but we headed to the hotel first to drop off our stuff, and then went to gamcheon cultural village, about an hour from the hotel by metro.

gamcheon is a village full of beautiful pastel houses and arts, crafts and murals. though it is still a residential area and some parts are off limits, there is a thriving tourism here. the residents were very friendly (though i had the feeling they were laughing at our tourist ways.)

i could have spent longer there, but it was quite a hike to get there and we had somewhere else we wanted to go before sundown: haedong yonggungsa, a buddhist temple at the other end of busan. on the train we went. it was a bit of trouble to get there by bus, but a friendly stranger helped us find the way. i am so glad we decided to go because it is the most beautiful temple i have seen so far.

the temple is built into this cliff above the sea. the sound of the crashing waves is supposed to calm and stimulate the mind when meditating. i did a bit of meditating myself on the rocks and it was a wonderful experience. seeing beautiful structures like this puts me at such ease with the world.

that night we went to the beach and just walked around on the sand, listening to the waves and watching the bright lights of the city’s entertainment district. we found a restaurant and i had korean beef and avacado rice with soju (god that stuff tastes bad straight.) my friend got very drunk.

at the hotel we had a jacuzzi, so i got in it for a while before going to sleep. the next morning we had no time to do anything but get to the coach station ready for our bus back to seoul.

once we got back to seoul we were planning to look around a bit more, but got an email from our flight company saying our flight was cancelled due to typhoon. we wanted to see if we could change to an earlier flight so we rushed to the airport, but nope, they were all cancelled. we would have to wait in the airport overnight for a flight the next day. i was gutted because i wanted to do some things in tokyo before i went back to the uk the day after, but now i had no time.

one silver lining of this was that i got to go into a jimjilbang, a korean spa, at the airport. it was pretty cheap for the service we got for a few hours. i was a bit anxious about going into the mens only baths, being a trans man, but in the end nobody cared, or at worst just looked at me a bit longer than usual. that might have just been because i was white though

you go into the changing area, strip and walk into the baths. i couldn’t see anything without my glasses so that helped my anxiety a bit. i went into the shower and showered off (which was great since i had been very stressed and tired.) i didn’t get in the bath but used all of the skin and hair products i could get my hands on, before going into the sleeping area in the pyjamas provided. the sleeping area is just full of mats and floor recliners. i got a couple hours kip before i went to see my friend off for her flight, then i had mine a few hours later.

packing and clearing out my room on the last day was very stressful, and i had to extend my deadline for moving out, but i eventually did it. i mailed my health insurance card back to the government and then headed to the airport, which was a very sweaty and exhausting journey, but not as exhausting as navigating the crappy british train system when i got back. shout out to my bestie addie for taking the stuff i couldn’t fit in my suitcase back with her!

it’s hard to summarize what an amazing year this has been for me. i learned so much about japan and its surrounding countries, about people, about the world, and about myself. to be in a place where i was thousands of miles from everyone i know was exciting and freeing. i met some of the most amazing people on the planet and grew so much in confidence and maturity. at the beginning of the year i had been afraid i would be disappointed by the experience, that going to the place i always dreamed to go would end up being tiring and i had been just romanticizing the place too much. however, though it was different to how i imagined in many ways, it was breathtaking to see and learn things i had always dreamed of. to look around and realize you have achieved your dreams is a very surreal feeling. somehow it feels like only the beginning.

thank you for sticking with me. i hope i can write one of these blogs again one day!

[dearinheadlights-archived]

my stomach hurts. i’m not sure why.

everything had been pretty overwhelming lately. all i do from the time i wake up around noon until i go to bed around midnight every day is work on my summer classes. thankfully there’s just one more week left of summer classes, then i’m all done.

i have to talk to my advisor. i realized that there’s a requirement of 122 credit hours to graduate. with my current schedule, i’m only finishing my degree with 105 credit hours. this is frustrating because i’m supposed to complete all of my general education, my political science major, and my international studies minor requirements at the end of this year. but it only leaves me with 105 credit hours… that’s 17 credit hours that i’m missing. it led me to a bit of a breakdown the other night. i really want to be done with undergraduate school. i’m tired of it. and i enjoy the city that i live in for undergrad but i don’t want to be in it anymore… i was excited about the idea of moving to another city to start living my adult life. i just am tired of being tethered to where i currently am. i want to leave.

i suppose there are things i could do. i could study abroad for the semester after this year to earn the 17 credit hours that i’m lacking. take some courses i’m personally interested in, like poetry and creative writing—courses i never fit into my schedule because i didn’t have the time. i could find an internship in washington DC and earn course credit for that. i have options, it’s just… frustrating when my life plan changes. i thought i was in the final stretch of undergrad, but now i’m not so sure. not even to mention the extra cost of another semester of college: more loans that my parents will guilt-trip me for… ugh.

i haven’t talked to [001] much these past few days. his phone plan got cut off due to family stuff and the wifi at his house in our college town has been out because he just moved with our friends into a new house. it’s been lonely, to be honest. all i’ve been doing is working on my summer classwork. he’s the person i talk to the most. so, without him, i only have scattered text messages with other friends. i sent him a brief “i hope move in went well. i miss you” message last night, of course knowing that he wouldn’t see it for a while. i wasn’t sure when he would see it, honestly. but he read it today; a few hours ago. but… no reply. and he saw the posts i sent him via instagram, but no reply to those either. i know he’s busy and likely very tired, but his lack of response is still a bit disappointing, i guess. even a very brief message would have been nice. instead i have to stare at the “opened • 5 hours ago” writing that is next to his name, indicating that he read my message but did not say anything in return. just… feels kinda crappy.

i feel bad even writing all of that. i started to, earlier, but then deleted it. i hate getting into fights and arguments and disagreements with him—mainly while we’re still on such unsteady ground. obviously if never enjoy a conflict with him, but they’d be easier to approach if we had a bit better of a foundation established. but he… never lets us set up one. he backs away as soon as we start to build anything together… fear of commitment or vulnerability or whatever it may be. so i try to be okay and happy for him as much as i can, so that we can try to get that foundation started. but every time we start, he backs away… then he comes back again, and the cycle continues. and i know he has a lot going on, but i just… really hope this settles out, sometime soon. that we get to do all the things we talked about doing once i get back to the city; when we can see each other in person again.

anyways… i downloaded mystic messenger last night. i’ve always had a weird feeling about dating sims. like, i wasn’t sure what i though about them, to be honest. i only really got into stuff like games and anime while i’ve been dating people, and when it came to dating sims, i didn’t really feel interested in them because i was already dating someone, if that makes sense? like; what’s the point of a simulation if i have it in real life? i guess that’s why it kind of… offended me that [001] was SO into dating sims. i’ve never heard him talk about them to me much, except for one… which turned out to be more of a horror game. but one of our friends told me a while ago that he had been playing them a lot, which was… frustrating, i guess. like, why play a dating sim when you can’t even ACTUALLY DATE SOMEONE??? he preferred someone virtual over me? i don’t know… anyways, [001] mentioned once later on that he’s played mystic messenger before. i had heard about the game from another one of our friends, so i looked it up on the app store. it had good reviews, and i could always delete it if i didn’t like it…

but yeah, i’ve been enjoying it so far. it has “chat rooms” with the characters every hour or so, which has been a nice short break in-between my classwork. the storyline is decently interesting. of course, the one character with [001]’s same hair color reminds me of him :/ they have similar humor, i think. but i’ve only just competed the first day, so i could be wrong about that. just a first impression. and it’s nice to be complimented, even if it’s just coded responses by fictional people. [001] isn’t around lately to talk, and even when he did read what i said, he didn’t say anything… this is just easier, for now, i guess. which is silly, because the game isn’t even real. i’d much prefer a reality that i’m working to improve than an idealistic fiction. but, for the meantime, if i’m all alone… i guess it’s all i’ve got. hah, that’s kinda sad. whatever.

i guess that’s it for now.

[canaryatlaw]

Okay, so today was good! I think I got up around 12 or so, mostly because nobody woke me up earlier lol and my phone was out of reach so I couldn't really tell what time it was if I drifted awake. But we chilled at the house for a bit and got pizza for lunch and just did our thing before getting ready to leave for the graduation ceremony at 3, see earlier posted picture of me in a romper that I'm now totally obsessed with because how did I not know that rompers are amazing??? I need all of them, now. So we all got ready and took some pictures outside the house with my cousin in her graduation robe and hat before heading off to the graduation. It was being hosted at the state college campus nearby that my aunt actually graduated from several years back, since I guess they couldn't fit everybody at the school (lol, that was not a problem at my high school graduation and my class of 49). So by the time we got there since it was a bit of a drive it was like 4, and it was being hosted in their big sports arena with all the audience being in the stands surrounding the floor, so we ended up sitting stage left right by where the stage was, which was good because my cousin ended up being seated right near the edge of house right so we could see her very easily. So then we waited as the rest of it filled up with a lot of people, and I spent most of the time on Twitter because the group chat I'm in on there was BLOWING UP with drama about like ten different things and it was all sorts of craziness that I was to varying degrees trying to either calm down, stay out of, or investigate lol. It was intense, to say the least. Just people (or person) acting stupid and stirring up drama for no reason, and then some others just responding unkindly to tweets of a certain celebrity we all like. But anyway. The service started and it was nice, not too long, nobody spoke for more than like 10 minutes or so and it got passed between a few people before they did the passing out diplomas. There were about 280 kids in her class so I'd say reading the names probably took about 20 minutes, which wasn't bad (my stupid college had one giant ceremony for everyone in all of the schools, grad and undergrad, and they were reading names for a solid hour and a half, it was torture and we were outside and it was HOT). But yeah, pretty soon after that it was done! We met my cousin outside and took a few more pictures before heading off to the Italian restaurant where they had a reservation. North Carolina has a lot of New York transplants, which means they also have some decent Italian food haha and this place was by all means quite good. I ended up getting gnocchi and wild boar ragu, which was a bit of an untraditional choice for me but I was trying to expand my picks a bit and it was really good! The gnocchi were like, really big so they got kind of plain, but the sauce was amazing and I almost finished it all lol. My cousin and I split a cannoli for dessert, which was really them bringing us 3 mini cannolis, which we each ate 1 of and then were too full to eat the last one so it got passed off to somebody else lol. At one point during the dinner the table next to us was being particularly loud, just like talking unnecessarily loudly for no specific reason, and my aunt, who was probably a little tipsy at this point, started also talking very loudly and kind of making fun of them and what they were saying and ohmygoodness I lost it and I just couldn't stop laughing haha it was so great. She has a very different personality than my mom, where my mom is very quiet and reserved my aunt tends to be much more blunt and somewhat confrontational, and there have been times where I've definitely wished my mom was more like that and would just tell a certain person off when we were in an uncomfortable situation haha but I love my mom the way she is and I can appreciate her trying to remain polite and kind even when the other person probably deserves to get told off (I'd like to think that I'm a little more willing to do so should the situation call for it). But anyway. After we finished up there we headed back to the house, and although it wasn't that late quite yet everyone was pretty tired so not much was going on. I pulled out my laptop to try to order my dad these personalized cufflinks to go with the personalized tie clip my brother is getting him for Father's Day/his birthday next week (his birthday is literally the day after Father's Day, so that's convenient, and my mom's is the same way with Mother's Day, so I always say it's like they were born to be parents lol) but the website was not working very well (I blame the crappy wifi connection since we're kind of in the middle of nowhere) so it took several attempts to make it work but I got it through. Meanwhile we started a game of uno with a bunch of us, and I happen to be rather good at such games, even when there is a fair amount of luck involved I happen to just somehow win them very often haha and tonight was no different, I was the only person who got to uno and I said it 3 different times before finally going out on a wild card. My uncle insisted he was holding back because he had several wild draw 4's he could've used at different points, but I told him that was a strategic error on his part for not using them when he was picking up tons and tons of cards instead 😂 I very much enjoy teasing my adult relatives, especially when my brothers aren't around to be obnoxious to everyone. After that I chilled out on my computer for a little while longer talking to some friends and reading a single chapter of fanfic update because I love this story and couldn't wait to read it, while everyone else had pretty much already went to bed, so I eventually did so as well, after taking a quick shower, and so here we are. But yeah, good day all around. I am enjoying being with my extended family, as I don't get to see them too much. A lot of my memories from my childhood of family vacations with all my cousins on my mom's side (I don't have any on my dad's side, but with my mom's we have her brother and sister's kids) are unhappy because I fall right in between the two age groups of the rest of my cousins, so there was never anyone my age and I always wanted to be with the older kids but they never included me in anything and it just led to a lot of me winding up running back to whatever room I was staying in and crying. This hasn't been the case for some time of course now that we're all older (this cousin who graduated is the youngest of our generation besides my little sister) but I vividly remember those times so I very much appreciate making happy memories with them instead, even if it's just with the adult-adults at this point (and my two cousins who do live here). Tomorrow is her graduation party, so that should also be fun, and yeah that's about it, it's 1 am so I'm going to attempt to go to sleep now. Goodnight dear ones. Have a lovely weekend.

[debbmarieee-blog]

Why I moved to London, and why you should too! ☘️👉🏻🌍

Some of you may know that I moved to London at a very young age from a small city called Galway in the lovely emerald isle. Some of you may know that I studied here and got a degree in Song-writing. But what some of you may not know is that this city has changed me completely. I moved here when I had just turned 18 from Galway, and let me tell you it was very very tough. Galway to me will always be home but to be honest I could not wait to leave. I came to study so I guess that pushed me and motivated me a bit more to pursue my dream of moving to a big city. Let me start with the first thing that I fell in love with about London, the social scene. I came here knowing absolutely nobody and ended up with friends left, right and centre, and there was always something to do or someone to hang out with. Going for a coffee is a massive London thing that I found slightly strange when I got here, but after being to hundreds of coffee shops all around London, I became a tad obsessed. There was so much hustle and bustle in those little coffee shops, I cant explain unless you have tried it out yourself. I ended up going there all the time, to chill and to do uni work, which is probably the reason I passed this degree to be fair. The second thing I loved is how easy it was for me to get everywhere, there was always a bus/tube/ train or way for me to get where I wanted and 24 hour busses saved my life at times! The third thing I really liked was how there was nobody looking at me in the streets, like finally nobody knew me, I just went off on my day to day life and it was just lovely to be anonymous for once. I am sure some of you reading this can relate to that. I did find it hard to comprehend how people wacked into me on the tube and street and not even apologise, I'm sure I cried a few times down the phone to my mom about that. Last but not least, I learned so many different aspects about different cultures and I thought it was fantastic! I made friends from all over the world, it's amazing. I knew how to work a washing machine, clean like a ninja and cook before I came so that did help. Not to worry though I had a friend who didn't know how to cook pasta, and he's a pro at cooking now! You're all probably thinking I keep blabbing on about all the good stuff, the bad is coming hold your horses!! One of the worsts part of being in London, or I am sure any big city in the world, is renting. RENTING IS AWFUL! Okay I am exaggerating a little but I have moved house at least 8 times and I have had some nasty landlords too. I even have ended up homeless a few times with no official house to call home, which sucked. I have been broke just spending £700/800 on rent just so I could have a decent enough room to sleep in. The plus side to all this is I have made friends for life and I am able to tolerate really disgusting bathrooms and kitchens, which is wonderful because rewind four years and I would of cried at some of the places I have stayed and seen. Getting a job is not as hard as you think it will be. Yeah it may not be what you wanted but I am sure in saying you will find something to hold you up for the time being to get you where you want, for me that was bar work and waitressing. Waitressing in London can be super stressful and you will serve a lot of horrible people but on the other hand you will learn a lot about yourself, earn tips ( which are really good) and gain the willpower not to wack them over the head when they are being rude. I have had my fair share of meltdowns over here too and it took me around two years to feel independent and confident enough not to call my mom every time something bad happened to me. I got stranded in the middle of London after I had an argument with a London black cabs driver, standing there crying like an idiot, who did I call? My mom, on a crappy viber line with Starbucks wifi. I tumbled face first down the stairs at the tube station, bruised my bum, and nobody stopped to help me. Who did I call? My mum. I spent my last bit of money on a take away when I was drunk. Who did I call? well you can guess. Its okay to do this, I still do it now, just not as often. It doesn't mean that you're not strong or cut out for London, it actually means you are amazing for doing this and you just need a little helping hand when you are lonely. The worst thing about moving to another country or just moving away from home in general, is not having those few people you can have a cup of tea with and get emotional about forgetting to take your washing out of the machine and don't have clean socks. London can be really lonely, even for me to this day, but I am so glad that I made that decision and became the best version of myself that I could possibly be. I am not saying that everyone needs to do this at all, I am just saying this is what I needed and it has been a crazy experience so far. What I am saying is that if you are thinking about this but are unsure, just DO IT! You wont regret it, you will learn so many new things, and hey! if its not for you? Then at least you gave it a go. And if you need any advice, I am always here to post weird, emotional blogs! All my love, Deb x