#my.thoughts

[corvus-rose]

personally, if i rolled up to the jukejoint and i was a hive mind vampire who'd just assimilated some very urgently relevant information from the relatives of a KKK leader, the first and probably last words out of my mouth would be "this whole place is a setup and the Klan is planning to kill you all in the morning", but clearly my priorities are not Remmick's priorities.

[izukusss]

I'm still processing the ending chapter of MHA but no matter how I feel about it, I'm still going to miss this series so bad, have been obsessed for almost 5 years lol. I adore it so much.

[corvus-rose]

ttrpg adaptation of that one mario horror romhack

I think what tickles me about the title of Unless is that, while it is doing the "snappy one-word title" thing, most of those are nouns or verbs or occasionally adjectives – Unless is the only game I can think of whose snappy one-word title is a conjunction. I think we should do that more. I want to know what Whereas is about. What genre is Although?

[flori-doodles]

"I'm not a pipe dream, Im not going anywhere."

@camelspit

@kale-of-the-forbidden-cities

@cutebisexualmess

@writingandwritten

@honey-the-dinosaur-ate-our-kid

@isecretlywishiwasyn

@thebestbookshelf

@malewifegradyruewen

@pyromaniac-on-caffeine

@appleflv

@bylerlve

@that-glasses-dog

@overthinksinbisexual

@katniss-elizabeth-chase

@abubble125

@callas-pancake-tree

@keeper-of-the-lost-dadwin

@nyxie-of-the-night

@you-have-been-frizzled

@kamikothe1and0nly

@just-a-honey-badger

@hyperdragonthings

@deulalune

@drama-llamaaa

@tastetherainbow290

[rottingangelcorpse]

love when i find a term that i think describes my orientation but they have endos dni right on the damn post. sigh.

[taoistyuri]

today, my.thoughts have been nothing except saki kurokoma cosplay!!

[corvus-rose]

Call me Jaye. I write all sorts of things but they tend to be some flavour of speculative fiction, be on the darker end tone-wise, and involve relatively large casts with assorted hangups, complicated relationships, and a couple of really fucking extra backstories.

In terms of hobbies (and inspiration) I've been getting really into visual novels lately. I finished fata morgana and slay the princess recently and really loved both, and I'm gonna start Umineko soon.

If you check my blog it's mostly an aesthetic blog. I contain multitudes.

We’re going to focus on getting to know each other today. Reblog this post and introduce yourself!

[kendallroysmethpipe]

I'm keeping my.thoughts to myself but. Well.

[tensimmporn]

i dont like posting my.thoughts bc what if im stupid but also what if im being real af

[intertexts]

TAKING A WORM BREAK FOR A LITTLE BIT SO HERES AN UPDATE ON MY.THOUGHTs. leaving myself on a cliffhanger theyre about to take the money to the boss and rachel js missing/not answering her phone. HOWEVER I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW.

ohhhh my god dude i love the undersiders so much. i love that theyre friends i love that theyre so immediately welcoming to taylor. its been so long since ive read a story that just had "teen girls hanging out together" in a casual lighthearted well written way. i love lisa so much dude. also brian buying taylor the dragonfly amber.... and alec continuing his streak of being so annoying little brother coded but like. in a way that thats just how he treats the people he likes. fuckign. holding these characters in my hands like baby birds. theyre so important 2 me.

AND !!!!!!! TAYLOR *AND* BRIAN ORIGIN STORIES. ohhhh fucked up! fucked up!!!! every day i think taylor you are so strong but also arent you tired of being nice dont you just want to go ape shitt!!!! i have said this so mucj about her and every new detail i learn just makes me feel stronger about it. and brian doing all of this for his little sister dont DO THIS to me. you CANNOT give me fucked up siblings again you know im so unwell over those !!!!!!!!! brian grue worm 🤝 edyn tidestrider occupying the same big sibling doing fucked up thing in the name of doing everything in the world to protect their little sibling. this is nothing. that is their only similarity so far however it is enough to put them in the same little wrinkle in my brain. absolutely fucking loving this story btw hi. i hope ur morning is good :]

THEY R FOUND FAMILY I TOLD U!!!!! i love the undersiders so fucking much they're so good all of themm... i also was rereading those chapters this morning & man. i forgot how good they r... they're friends!! theyre teenagers hanging out going shopping together!!! lisa my fucking beloved i have so so so so so many thoughts about her all the time im unbelievably obsessed with the whiplash btwn tattletale's mean bastard queen moment w/ amy & victoria dallon & then immediately oh!! shopping trip w the girlsss :]] shes so girlfriend. 2 me.

YEAHHHH!!!! YEAH!!! TAYLOR & BRIAN TRIGGER EVENTS!!!!!! WHOOOOO!!! clapping and cheering and crying. i think another 50% of the worm experience is just going taylor please go apeshit you deservr to go apeshit!!& brian... man. man. im so glad u like themmmmm dude im so excited for u!!!

[fluentisonus]

thinking about fantine and valjean again, and particularly how they both represent different aspects of this idea of being permanently alienated from society for small missteps & the effect that alienation has on people -- and how this parallel to each other is emphasized in the narrative repeatedly, especially via people placing 'convict' and 'prostitute' together, i.e. javert saying "'It’s a pretty sort of a place where convicts are magistrates, and where women of the town are cared for like countesses!'" or the curé deciding to give fantine a pauper's burial because "Who was concerned, after all? A convict and a woman of the town." It's basically repeatedly emphasized that convicts, and women who have had children out of wedlock, and prostitutes, are like classes of people where they are perceived by society as forever tainted by some moral "fall" & are this doomed to be forever on the peripheries & suffer for it. and both fantine and valjean are intimately aware of this, and in many ways cast together in it.

and that being said it's just so deeply tragic to me that despite paralleling each other in so many ways in this respect it's very much partially jean valjean's lack of understanding or thought into the unique ways that women can be affected by this alienation (and even I'd argue a deep & not entirely conscious sort of nervousness or fear around ideas of woman and sex -- to the point he does not visit the women personally much, which is a big failing!!: "But M. Madeleine had heard nothing of all this. ... M. Madeleine was in the habit of almost never entering the women’s workroom.") that a lot of this happens to fantine. he is deeply conscious of poverty and crime but fails to see the particular ways these might effect women & it's incredibly evident in this passage:

Any one who was hungry could present himself there, and was sure of finding employment and bread. Father Madeleine required of the men good will, of the women pure morals, and of all, probity. He had separated the work-rooms in order to separate the sexes, and so that the women and girls might remain discreet. On this point he was inflexible. It was the only thing in which he was in a manner intolerant. He was all the more firmly set on this severity, since M. sur M., being a garrison town, opportunities for corruption abounded. ... Father Madeleine gave employment to every one. He exacted but one thing: Be an honest man. Be an honest woman.

and as I said in the original post I do genuinely believe that this is from a misguided but genuine desire to protect the women & give them a 'good' work environment, but what a way to show he knows very little about the realities of women's lives outside of what he's heard or what he's read! and how terrible to be essentially complicit by way of ignorance to a narrative parallel of his suffering essentially the same way that he has, to essentially unintentionally help recreate this harm (i.e. an environment where someone can be permanently alienated from society like this) on someone who's narratively presented as his equivalent. idk idk

I think he does (horribly & sadly!) learn this lesson very clearly later, when he's actually interacting with fantine, and I think you could read into it that at that point he does very much recognize some of himself & his suffering in her. and I like to think he carries this particular understanding (although not others as I mentioned in the first post wrt cosette) with him & his approach into his later life but like. hh

still chewing this one over so hopefully this makes sense but one very minor running thing I feel like we get w jean valjean is that without disliking women or even believing that they're in any way unequal to him he. hm. for the most part doesn't have much normal contact with adult women after his sister (and presumably none for the 19 years he was in prison) which means that. not that he doesn't understand women so much as i feel like idk. he makes the mistake of unconsciously assuming men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-venus style that he doesn't understand them (being aware of that lack of contact & under the impression women are fairly different to men), and because he's a guy who wants to understand things & is largely self taught (often from books) especially wrt social niceties, he ends up being very credulous, in that presumed lack of understanding, of commonly held beliefs & traditional, societally reinforced ideas of gender rolls & gender characteristics, and this sometimes ends up ultimately hurting women around him despite his genuine good intentions

like obviously firstly in montreuil-sur-mer where he wants the female workers to have "pure morals" and gives them a separate workroom to the men to "remain discreet" which I think he genuinely intended as a means of making it a good work environment for the workers -- women can have privacy & focus on work & nothing uncomfortable or untoward is being brought into the workplace etc -- but as we know this backfired horrendously because it essentially resulted in fantine being fired for having a child out of wedlock & everything she went through after. and given his reaction he doesn't seem to have ever considered this a potential effect of his rules -- like he doesn't seem to have understood how those sorts of rules end up ultimately punish the women involved more than anything

and the other main instance of course is with cosette and his assumption that essentially a woman has a father, & then she has a husband & having a husband no longer needs a father (this is strengthened a lot by his own feeling of his own taintedness -- it's not the main thing responsible for what happened by any means. but it's a part of it) & this assumption is incredibly hard on her!!! she obviously doesn't see it that way at all! but it never seems like it occurs to him not to think of it in that framework bc essentially society in general sees it that way

idk I guess what I find interesting abt this is that it's a big blind spot in a guy who's otherwise extremely willing to question social biases & generally likes to take people all on a level as just another sort of person like himself. again I think in his general behavior towards women interpersonally there's nothing bad & in fact there's a lot of genuine respect there & probably willingness to learn even (in fantine 's case), but it's like he just never worked out that these ideas about gender are about as true & helpful as ideas about class or criminality etc etc

[corvus-rose]

what happened to the term bishie. you guys used to love the term bishie.

[shialor]

This is really just a vent post because I need to voice my.thoughts somehow or other.

TW: body dysphoria + dysmorphia, medical treatment, needles, mental health stuff and general difficulty.

Okay. I've received a diagnosis for both gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia in August of 2023, though both therapists involved had full schedules and I couldn't see them regularly afterwards. I will hopefully be seeing one of them soon-ish though.

The problem I'm facing, which I recognize is mostly anxiety is that even with the diagnosis I will be prevented from starting HRT or doing most other forms of transitioning really. This is partly due to the...somewhat lackadaisical manner in which my gender distress was approached by both of them; and I admit I...I guess I'll say "softened" the intensity of my feelings, both because that's just what I've learned to do and because I am afraid of seeming manic about it. I don't want my desire to transition to be taken not as something that needs addressing but as a symptom of trauma or of my body dysmorphia.

But I am desperate. I don't go a waking hour without thinking about how much I want to be a girl. How much I want to go on hormones. How much I want to do and be that I can't right now. But I don't want to seem like someone clinging to an escape rather than finally having found a place of peace.

I understand and am for going slowly around most things medically. Being disabled, chronically Ill, having weird responses to medication and close family member with the same will teach you a lot about not making too many changes at once, about carefully analyzing somethings effects a little at a time. I also understand that I've been "actively" pursuing my gender dysphoria for a short time, only a few years in fact. The truth is that its been bothering me since before I was six, I just didn't know what it was or how to explain it. Growing up with no Internet access didn't help with my knowledge on that front. (It wasn't that I wasn't allowed Internet access, we literally didn't have any till I was 10, we didn't know about thing like steam so we played games off of discs on old computers without any Internet connection, and while we all got personal computers eventually I didn't have one until I was 12. That and my Father being a programmer and paranoid of viruses and the like didn't leave me comfortable using the Internet in any form for some time)

Why is body dysmorphia taken more seriously and as a bigger problem than body dysphoria? If the things that bother me about my body are the things that would change, that there is way to instead have them bring comfort, why must I learn to love them before my desire to change them be taken seriously?

And then there's the fact that while I don't have a phobia of needles, any kind of injection is DEEPLY unpleasant to me. And if HRT is commonly given as an injection, what happens if it becomes too much? What happens if I can't take getting stabbed anymore? Does it just stop, I've "failed" until such a time as I çan handle the needles again? Would asking for a different method be seem as proof that I'm not serious about how much I need/want to transition?

All this to say, I've received my diagnoses and been told "do small things for a couple of years if you must, and don't try anything more until you can say you love your current body wholeheartedly." And I hate it.

But what I fear most is that caution, that paranoia being right. I have nightmares about one day suddenly realizing I'm comfortable as I am. I have nightmares about choosing not to transition. I think about that possibility and a kind of horror I cannot put into words seeps into me. I imagine that possibility and all I feel is cold emptiness almost identical to the times I've just lost a loved one, but without any hope surrounding it, without the knowledge that it will return to me someday. It feels like dying. It feels like if the day were ever to come to pass that I no longer strive to be girl, I would die. Not even off myself, but simply die because my soul no longer belongs in my body. Die of misery of a broken heart, of the total removal of all that is me.

I want to transition, I want to move forward, I want even some rather extreme surgeries though I'm perfectly willing to wait on that. But I'm so afraid that somewhere deep down I don't desire these things because they're what I want or what's right for me, but because I'm too broken elsewhere.

I'm not afraid of transitioning not fixing everything wrong with me, I'm afraid of fixing something else making me not want/need to transition anymore.

I don't know how to move forward, I feel lost in zugzwang. I can't demand to move faster, or else it'll be ignored as a dysmorphia/trauma issue and not a dysphoria one. I can't just wait it out, every day kills me a little more, especially with the rest of my family going "yeah, you go wear a skirt and makeup. Don't get hormones, don't change your name, don't change your pronouns, don't change the way you act." I can't just go find a different therapist, I've had a really bad track record and these two are highly regarded in gender dysphoria cases especially, and it took more than year to try and get to any therapists whatsoever and finding another will take longer. I can't just go to an informed-consent clinic and start HRT on my own, I don't have a job, I can't drive, I don't have a degree, and I'm disabled a couple different ways so I can't stand for more than 30 minutes at a time and I couldn't do most desk jobs, even if they were remote.

I don't know what to do to start achieving any goals or hopes for my life or for me especially, and I'm terrified of it getting worse if I try.

[forestbeast]

withdrawals bad talking to landlord bad scary tinnitus bad no stimuli talking to partners grandma about a fuckup ug h I can't control my.thoughts my chest is spasming i can't relax I can't relax

[huenation]

hyuka:

me: I WANT YOU SO BAD

also ​every time i see hueningkai in my head i refer to him as “my beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful hueningkai” EVERY SINGLE TIME down bad i tell u….

[sillykawa]

I just watched the movie "Sing a bit of Harmony" and it feels like my whole life changed within that hour and 40 mins...