#mystical kipper

[qldqueerboy]

A refusal to remain quiet was originally not your choice in explaining your involvement in an unhappy social or work related situation today. Thankfully wise counsel injected forcing you to internalize your vocal outburst until all the pieces and players came together to make sense of what happened. Until then have faith that when this situation unravels it will end with such a commotion that only the good will remain.

[simdertalia]

🔮 Witchy Shop Tarot Bundle 13 🔮

Moonology Oracle & Moonology Manifestation Oracle

Star Codes Astro Oracle

Goddess Power Oracle

Elle Qui Oracle

Mahābhārata Oracle

Sims 4 | base game compatible | Box up & box down versions of all 5 boxes

1 swatch for each package file, Moonology deck has 2 swatches | Found in clutter & misc decor | 29 / 17 / 45 / 26 & 22 simoleons

To find quickly, type “witchy shop” into the search query in buy/build mode. If you’re like me and have a lot of CC in your game, an easy way to find things is to search for the title of the item you’re looking for.

A special thank you to @mystictrance15 for reaching out to me and sending me pictures of her tarot deck boxes! This set has been made with images kindly provided by her for the textures. There are more to come!

📁 Download all or pick & choose (SFS, No Ads): https://simfileshare.net/folder/180176/

📁 Alt Download (still no ads): https://mega.nz/folder/894S2Roa#eDDUvTmuhJ3XHuFV11_5ZA *The zipped folder will be added to the SFS link when the website stops acting up.

As always, please let me know if there are any issues and Happy Simming!

✨ All of my CC has always been free & public upon posting, but if you like my work, please consider supporting me:

★ Patreon  🎉 ❤️ |★ Ko-Fi  ☕️  ❤️ ★ Instagram  📷

Other decks:

Tarot Bundle 12 (Set of 5 more decks) Christmas Deck Mini-Set (Set of 3 more decks) Tarot Bundle 11 (Set of 5 more decks) Tarot Bundle 10 (set of 5 more decks) Tarot Bundle 9 (set of 5 more decks) Tarot Bundle 8 (set of 3 more decks) Tarot Bundle 7 (set of 5 more decks) Tarot Bundle 6 (set of 5 more decks) Tarot Bundle 5 (set of 5 more decks) The Lost Forest Tarot Luna’s Light & Dark Angels Tarot Tarot Bundle 4 (set of 5 more decks) Weaver Tarot Set Tarot Bundle 3 (set of 4 more decks) Tarot Bundle 2 (set of 3 more decks) Tarot Bundle 1 (set of 3 more decks) Otherkin Tarot Deco Children’s Tarot Set Modern Witch Tarot Deco Friends & Golden Girls Tarot Deco Radiant Tarot Deco Enchanted Love Tarot Deco Revelations Tarot Deco Mystical Manga Tarot Deco Da Vinci Enigma Tarot Deco Bonestone & Earthflesh Tarot Deco Beautiful Creatures Tarot Deco Bumbleberry Hollows Tarot Deco Cat Tarot Deco Kipper Deco Witches Wisdom Oracle Deco

~I claim no ownership of the images used for these recolors, all credit goes to the artist(s). These are tarot decks that you can hold and use in real life. If you want any of these decks for yourself, might I suggest buying from a small business when possible, or straight from the supplier/artist.~

~Watch out for counterfeit decks! A give-away for this is poor card stock quality, poor image quality on the cards, incorrect box/card dimensions, and QR codes on the box.~

~These are new meshes made by me~

Thank you for reblogging ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

@sssvitlanz  @maxismatchccworld @mmoutfitters @public-ccfinds  @coffee-cc-finds  @itsjessicaccfinds

[hermitsmirror]

🧜 P I C K  🌊  A  🐚  C A R D 🧜

Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Imagine yourself stepping into warm, calm salt waters and slowly sinking beneath the waves. You can breathe under there—how magical! And as you look around, you see a surprisingly colorful world. There seems to be music and the song of sirens. Once you feel their vibrations, pick a card from the Seaborn Kipper by Siolo Thompson and me.

What will you pick? Left? Center? Right?

If you need more time, take your time to explore the world of fish and coral, seaweed and sea witches. Swim and float and flip around. Become one with the waves and find their flow. Ride the currents and explore that inner mystical sea until you come to a still point where you can rest and relax.

How does that feel? I hope it was fun and that you were able to settle into our waters.

Now pick a card (if you want) and read its message in the reveal.

Let me know how it resonates, and share the post with those who might benefit from a little Seaborn wisdom. And if you want to gift yourself (or someone else) a copy of this deck, you can get it through Llewellyn Worldwide wherever decks are sold.

[gefdreamsofthesea]

I have another hot take this one is about tarot and related divination methods.

Some of the reasons Kipper, Lenormand, and cartomancy decks aren't as popular as tarot:

more difficult to create bullshit mystical origins for them

associated with (mundane) fortunetelling

associated with poor people (ew) particularly poor women (ew)

French and German are hard just use Hebrew words for things instead (concepts stolen from Jewish mysticism)

[thenewcaptainunderpants]

CHARACTERS: MASTER POST

Kipper Krupp

While he’s not the bully he was back in Jerome Horwitz, Kipper (21) is still a bit of a grumpy individual. Taking heavily from his uncle, Kipper has a tendency to get aggressive when things don’t go his way. He’s loyal to those he considers his friends, but he can get mad whenever they bug him too much.

During the events of the books, Kipper had gotten into a car crash and had a blood transplant done with his Uncle Benjamin. In the present, he takes an internship at Jerome Horwitz Elementary, finding a box of George and Harold’s old left behind stuff in the school’s basement, and after a night with a 3D Hypno Ring unlocks his latent powers, Kipper discovers he has super strength and durability, flight, and infinite underwear, but said abilities only work when he’s Captain Underpants. One non-exclusive power is a short-term danger sense, and later on he gains mystic powers from Robicus, including a healing factor, portal forming, shields, and laser eyes.

Due to being younger than his uncle, being hypnotized for a shorter amount of time, the lack of use of any water, and the process itself being a complicated ordeal, Kipper does not have the same gimmick as his uncle, and transforms into Captain Underpants simply by taking off his clothes. The rendition of the captain he takes after is based off of the comics George and Harold made alongside Melvin in the 6th grade, who donned a scarf mask and socks to represent character development. Kipper initially starts out as a reluctant hero, egged on by his friends and the people of Piqua, before embracing the role fully as time goes on.

Bugg Usalowzgi

Bugg (22) is Kipper’s best friend, the oldest of the group, and by all means the straight man of the group. Bugg tries his best to keep the group from getting too wild, and overall is the most sane out of anybody there, trusting the others to have his back. Bugg is slightly jaded after his difficult home life and regrets from his time as a bully.

Loogie Tope

Loogie (20) is one of Kipper’s friends and a die hard fan of superhero comics. He’s the youngest out of everybody in the group and arguably the most immature. He’s a bit of a goofball, cracking jokes whenever possible and always trying to look on the bright side of things. Loogie is responsible for the incident that causes Kipper to discover his powers, misusing the Hypno Ring.

Finkstein Noviz

Fink (21) is one of Kipper’s friends, attending college alongside Bugg. He’s generally the most chill of the group, going with the flow. Following the Wedge Magee incident, Fink has become somewhat more reserved than the others, his anxieties mostly hidden under his smile, which have gone mostly unaddressed. Fink makes music in his spare time.

Principal Benjamin Krupp

Kipper has always been closer to his Uncle Benny than his own father, the two once sharing a common bone for cruelty and misery. As Kipper softened up, however, he opened up to his uncle, and Ben did so in return.

Krupp’s cruelty has softened a little, both by George and Harold’s departure and the presence of lunch lady Edith. Through his actions, the once cruel principal has gone from working students like a sweatshop to efficient, effective teachings. Tensions rise, however, when George and Harold execute a prank that drags their 9th grade class into the spare classrooms of the elementary, forcing Krupp to confront his demons or else risk falling back into his toxic behavior.

You-Know-Who receded into Krupp’s mind upon George and Harold’s graduation, practically disappearing. Their return means his return, and this time, he’s taking commando…

Robicus

Not much is known about Robicus, the leader of the aptly named Society of Robes, but following Kipper’s transformation from zero to hero, he takes the waistband warrior under his wing and begins to train him in the power of the mystic arts.

[starryfree]

https://www.tumblr.com/starryfree/747742927982297088/1-2?source=share

Hi again can you tell me the decks names

Mystic shaman oracle deck, an astrological deck I randomly got online, kipper deck, wisdom of the oracle deck, tarot of the divine, ethereal visions, modern witch tarot and cosmic slumber ❤️

[california-babylon]

Tagged by @onlywayin

Last Song: Choke Hold by Idris Elba and Mr. Kipper

Currently Watching: uhhh I watch either The Bear or Stargate SG-1 when I'm cooking. I don't usually watch TV

Last Movie: Sinister

Currently Reading: Man and His Symbols by Carl Jung

Sweet/Sour/Spicy: Sweet, spicy, sour, in that order

Relationship Status: Eligible bachelor

Currently Obsessed With: lowkey tiktok ngl

Last Thing I Googled: "inside out jumping off the ceiling" I've had this bit of song stuck in the back of my head since I was a kid. Turns out it was a bubblegum pop song from 2000. The music video sent me into a feverish sweat

I tag @neige-de-mars @wandering-ronin @monarcho-mysticism @pierangelis

[empleosusa]

Económico Tarot Egipcio, tarot barato visa o 806 cuál es mejor

Económico Tarot Egipcio, tarot barato visa o 806 cuál es mejor

Soy un lector de tarot profesional, utilizando una amplia variedad de barajas de tarot: desde el clásico sistema Ryder-Waite hasta Tarot Thoth de Aleister Crowley. Como runólogo, trabajo con runas escandinavas. Trabajo con cartas asociativas metafóricas, con varios oráculos. Por ejemplo, las cartas de Lenormand, el oráculo gitano, las cartas lunares, el oráculo Mystic Kipper, el oráculo…

[manicspellbook]

Hello fellow traveler,

what a delight to meet you here!

You may call me Ace Solaris, my pronouns are she/ her, I'm queer and live in western europe. I had a blog on this side before, but it got lost during the purge and my life kept me from returning untill now. This site will mainly be used as a ressoruce and idea hub with mainly reblogs, but I am happy to interact with people. Things to keep in mind: - I'm more than 25 years old - I do baneful work, if necessary - I prefer the label mystic over witch, as most of my spiritual work is centernd around finding and connecting to the divinity in and around me and the spellcraft I do ( if I do any) reflects that - If you think anyone lesser than you because of whatever reason, please leave - Also, If you think you are owed anything except the return of the respect you give others, please leave

I work with Divination (mainly Tarot and a few dabbles in Kipper), the magical properties of Myths and Words, Sympathetic Magic, the Magic of Nature and Earth and of course Spirits.

My current interests lie in -magical properties of Bones -big astronomical events like the Saturn Return -herbs -Sigils and Hypersigils - the german practice of Rauhnächte

I'm pleased to have you as companion for a little while. Kind regards ~ Ace Solaris

[the-mystic-knights]

Hanging out with the Kipper Kids - mid 70s

[thebibliomancer]

Flames of the Dark Crystal liveblog pt 20

Flames of the Dark Crystal by J.M. Lee because GREATH SMERTH! Is a good thing to shout instead of a swear. But is also infected by broken crystal disease. Oh no!

Last times on book: Team Naia continued on their Aughra and Thra given quest to light fires of resistance with all seven Gelfling clans. The Sifa, Dousan, Vapra, Spriton, and Grottan fires have been lit! Phew, good work team! 5/7ths of the way there! Naia, Gurjin, Kylan and Amri continue on to the Swamps of Sog to try to light the Drenchen fire but home is not as Naia left it. Her parents are fighting. And their home tree is dying of Darkening. That’s a lot.

And then I go a week without a post because my energy just crashed. Ah well.

Chapter 20

Naia goes into the fish basement, looks at some dark crystals, and feels a lot of feelings. So many feelings. Contents were under pressure.

Naia runs out of the big home tree and down to the reed pens among the roots where the Drenchen raised fish.

As she follows the root path she has to wonder if the technique for encouraging the roots of the Great Smerth to form a path came from Aughra. And if so, whether she learned it from the urSkeks.

The more she knew, and the more she opened her eyes, the more it felt as if there was nothing that was untouched by them.

I think in this case, you’re safe, Naia. Aughra was made by Thra to serve as a bridge between the planet and the peoples on it so if anyone taught her to tell trees what to do, its likely to be the trees themselves.

Naia dives into the fish cellar. Even though its dark, she finds her way by touch to where her sisters had been working on the crystal veins.

Its a small vein, compared to the ones Naia and Amri saw in the Valley of the Mystics. Only about as thick as her finger.

She’s able to clear away the mud and examine the crystal vein that Eliona and Kipper had cudgeled into being ‘fixed.’

Naia gazed at the broken vein. It was bittersweet to behold. Though the darkening was stopped from spreading into Great Smerth, it also meant this vein was broken off from the Crystal. How many more veins spread under the earth and water? Here, and everywhere else in Thra? The Crystal was what bled life into the land. It wasn’t possible to cut it away. Not like this. What Laesid had said was true. This was not a lasting solution.

But Bellanji wasn’t wrong, either. If they could slow the sickness, then didn’t they owe it to Great Smerth to do whatever they could to protect its life as long as possible? Naia didn’t know what to do. Though she had wanted to see the vein for herself, even knowing Eliona had been telling the truth didn’t give her any more answers. If only Naia coudl be in two places at once, doing two things at the same time. Healing Great Smerth and the Crystal. One hand healing the fingertips of Thra, the other pressed against its heart.

Naia lets out a discontented sigh and startles a blindfish.

As Naia watches it, it weirdly doesn’t swim away like skittish blindfish usually do. Instead, it bites her.

Which blindfish almost never do! For one thing, they barely have teeth!

The bite didn’t draw blood but it still does Naia an alarm. She clears away the mud that this specific blindfish was buried in and discovers the real result of Operation Hit Crystal Vein With Cudgels To Fix It.

Where Naia’s sisters had broken the darkened crystal vein, darkened splinters now stretched through the bedrock to reconnect the broken vein.

All of that cudgeling was for naught!

Naia starts spiraling again. Realizing that all of Thra was connected to the broken Crystal. Worrying whether the Crystal could ever be healed without the missing shard.

All thanks to the Skeksis. And the Mystics.

They were the same. Creatures from beyond Thra in a world that was not theirs. And now they were destroying it, bit by bit. The proof was just below her fingertips.

How dare they. How dare they hurt what I love.

Good thing Raunip wandered out of the narrative a long while ago. And had gotten over this kind of attitude. Would not be good if he were around up to his old ways, finding people like Naia and going ‘yes, yessss, let the hate flow through you.’

Naia’s despair at all this crystal related stuff sparks her vliyaya to light up with her will to mend.

Why had it come back now? This special fire that had been given to her by Thra?

Perhaps it was time to give it back.

Uh oh.

Prepare yourself to explode again, Naia.

She places her hands against the darkened crystals but this time she’s ready for the jolt of energy. This time, she finds herself drawn back along the vein.

She saw it. The Crystal of Truth, spinning in the chamber at the center of the Castle of the Crystal. Dark amethyst and red, the last ounces of purity all but gone from its rugged, faceted body. The color was the sign of its pain. The sign of its torture and madness, the blazing color of its corruption.

Naia felt the light in her hand streaming out, taking with it her own life force. Pulled in like a fish on a line, bleeding her of it. The Crystal, that once gave life, now wrathful. Dying. Empty.

But if that was what it would take...

NAIA PLS.

And that’s not just me saying that! Amri shows up and yanks her away from the darkened crystals.

Once Naia realizes what happened, she yells at Amri. For nearly drowning trying to save her. Because while she’s perfectly okay zoning out underwater, he is not. He winds up coughing up water, while she hypocritically yells at him.

He turns it back on her, shaking her and asking what she was thinking!

She doesn’t even know how to answer. She’s afraid, she feels helpless and she doesn’t like seeing the pain in Amri’s eyes.

He didn’t let go of her shoulders, gripping her like she might float away at any moment.

“Naia. I know you want to heal the Crystal. We all do. And save Great Smerth... but... you can’t. Not this way. Not at the cost of yourself.”

“I just thought if I could do it, then maybe...” She shook her head. She looked up, away from Amri and into the graceful, twisting forms of Great Smerth’s roots overhead. The tears did come, then, if only one at a time. “I thought Great Smerth would always be here. I thought the swamp was safe from the Skeksis. I never thought...”

Everything about Amri softened. His eyes and his voice, his grip on her shoulders.

“I know,” he said quietly. “I thought the same about Domrak.”

=(

These poor gelfs going through so much.

Naia says she knew that losing his own home was difficult for him but he never put herself in his place until it happened to her. And she finds that talking to Amri eases some of the pressure in her chest. She confesses that she just doesn’t know what to do.

“Aren’t I a failure if I can’t lead? If I can’t heal? If I can’t defeat the Skeksis? We can’t fight them, but I feel like it’s the only thing I know how to do! But if I can’t kill them, and I can’t heal Thra -- then who am I?”

“You’re... Naia.”

The answer was blunt and simple. Amri flicked an ear. She couldn’t see his face too well in the dark, but she could hear his breath quicken a touch, his fingers twitching on her shoulders.

“And... I think you’re amazing. When you’re brave, it makes me feel brave. When you’re strong, it makes me feel strong. That’s what being a leader is -- leading by example. You’re committed to doing the right thing. Doing good... even when you fail. And even when you fail, you keep trying. You bring flowers out of ash.”

It felt as if the warmth from his hands was spreading into her shoulders and chest, soft and gentle like the light from a candle. That was what Amri was, she realized. A little fire that never went out, that was always by her side. Not so bright that it drowned out other light, but more than enough to illuminate a path in the night. Gentle and discerning, steadfast and loyal.

Awwwwww!

I don’t have a lot else to comment on this section. Just awwwwwwwwww!

“We’re going to find a way,” Amri said.

“We don’t know how to give up, do we?” she asked, letting the warmth reach her lips where it came out as a smile. He chuckled.

“I think that’s mostly you... But it’s probably the thing I love most of all.”

It got quiet between them.

“You mean as a friend, of course,” she said hesitantly. She was unsure, particularly about one specific word he’d used. “Because... we’re friends.”

But Amri doesn’t go ‘why yes of course, love ya as a friend.’ He gets squirrely. Or whatever tree dwelling small mammal that they have on Thra.

He just nervously asks if she means the thing he said in the valley and she starts asking how he really feels about her and maybe he doesn’t distinguish between like and love and HE blurts out that of course he sees a difference.

Amri confesses that he really likes her as more than a friend but after she got hurt...

Naia immediately puts two and one and one together.

“What did Gurjin say to you?” she asked, plainly enough that it left little room for Amri to try to make up another excuse. He sighed. All the pretenses rolled away from him, like when he’d taken off his cloak as they’d entered the wetlands. Finally, the truth came out, and he was her Amri again.

“He just told me that now wasn’t a good time,” he said. “He said you had other things you needed to do, and that I shouldn’t be jeopardizing our mission by distracting you.” He shrugged. “It’s not like he threatened me or anything. It made sense. And it was my fault you were so badly hurt. So I went along with it...”

GURJIIIIIIIIN

Also, Amriiiiiiiii

The upside is now I know what everyone’s deal is.

The downside is that Naia doesn’t even get time to process this reveal. There’s suddenly a crash outside, like a tree falling. And then another, and another.

“Are those normal swamp noises?” [Amri] asked.

As much as she wanted not to be bothered at a time like this, Naia couldn’t deny the bad feeling in her gut.

“No. We should go back.”

Heh.

Naia also hates it when Plot interrupts character beats.

The two Gelfling leave the fishery and climb up the Great Smerth. They’re joined by Momdra Laesid and dadra Bellanji.

“What comes?” Laesid demanded. “Who trespasses in my swamp?”

Amri grabbed Naia’s arm, clutching her tightly as his Grottan eyes pierced the night. Naia already knew, deep in her belly, who it was, but it wasn’t until he said her name that every muscle in her body tightened.

“A Skeksis Lord,” Amri said, gulping. “skekSa, the Mariner.”

GOD DAMN SKEKSA ARE YOU THE TERMINATOR? You’re better at hunting down these protagonists than the actual Hunter!

[qldqueerboy]

Confusion seems to manifest in what uniform you wish to wear today as a way of projecting confidence to the people that approach your professional ability in providing assistance to their needs today. It’s a strange and new dilemma that has surfaced without any forewarning. Don’t ruminate for too long. It isn’t going to be helpful for you or for them.

[simdertalia]

🔮 Witchy Shop Tarot Bundle 15 🔮

Guardian of the Night Tarot

Wizards Tarot

Dungeons & Dragons Tarot

Runic Tarot

Tarot Illuminati

Eros Tarot

Sims 4 | base game compatible | Box up & box down versions of all 6 boxes

1 swatch for each package file

To find quickly, type “witchy shop” into the search query in buy/build mode. If you’re like me and have a lot of CC in your game, an easy way to find things is to search for the title of the item you’re looking for.

A special thank you to @mystictrance15 for reaching out to me and sending me pictures of her tarot deck boxes! This set has been made with images kindly provided by her for the textures.

📁 Download all or pick & choose (SFS, No Ads): <HERE> https://simfileshare.net/folder/187251/

📁 Alt Download (still no ads): <HERE> https://mega.nz/folder/g8I3TRYD#qrpBasc-0t2VfhMI0VafJw

As always, please let me know if there are any issues and Happy Simming!

✨ All of my CC has always been free & public upon posting, but if you like my work, please consider supporting me:

★ Patreon  🎉 ❤️ |★ Ko-Fi  ☕️  ❤️ ★ Instagram  📷

Other decks:

Tarot Bundle 14 (set of 5 more decks) Tarot Bundle 13 (Set of 5 more decks) Tarot Bundle 12 (Set of 5 more decks) Christmas Deck Mini-Set (Set of 3 more decks) Tarot Bundle 11 (Set of 5 more decks) Tarot Bundle 10 (set of 5 more decks) Tarot Bundle 9 (set of 5 more decks) Tarot Bundle 8 (set of 3 more decks) Tarot Bundle 7 (set of 5 more decks) Tarot Bundle 6 (set of 5 more decks) Tarot Bundle 5 (set of 5 more decks) The Lost Forest Tarot Luna’s Light & Dark Angels Tarot Tarot Bundle 4 (set of 5 more decks) Weaver Tarot Set Tarot Bundle 3 (set of 4 more decks) Tarot Bundle 2 (set of 3 more decks) Tarot Bundle 1 (set of 3 more decks) Otherkin Tarot Deco Children’s Tarot Set Modern Witch Tarot Deco Friends & Golden Girls Tarot Deco Radiant Tarot Deco Enchanted Love Tarot Deco Revelations Tarot Deco Mystical Manga Tarot Deco Da Vinci Enigma Tarot Deco Bonestone & Earthflesh Tarot Deco Beautiful Creatures Tarot Deco Bumbleberry Hollows Tarot Deco Cat Tarot Deco Kipper Deco Witches Wisdom Oracle Deco

~I claim no ownership of the images used for these recolors, all credit goes to the artist(s). These are tarot decks that you can hold and use in real life. If you want any of these decks for yourself, might I suggest buying from a small business when possible, or straight from the supplier/artist.~

~Watch out for counterfeit decks! A give-away for this is poor card stock quality, poor image quality on the cards, incorrect box/card dimensions, and QR codes on the box.~

~These are new meshes made by me~

Thank you for reblogging ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

@sssvitlanz  @maxismatchccworld @mmoutfitters  @coffee-cc-finds  @itsjessicaccfinds  @gamommypeach  @stargazer-sims-finds  @khelga68  @suricringe  @vaporwavesims  @mystictrance15 @public-ccfinds

[hermitsmirror]

🧜 Pick a card 🧜

Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Imagine yourself stepping into warm, calm salt waters and slowly sinking beneath the waves. You can breathe under there—how magical! And as you look around, you see a surprisingly colorful world. There seems to be music and the song of sirens. Once you feel their vibrations, pick a card from the Seaborn Kipper by Siolo Thompson and me.

What will you pick? Left? Center? Right?

If you need more time, take your time to explore the world of fish and coral, seaweed and sea witches. Swim and float and flip around. Become one with the waves and find their flow. Ride the currents and explore that inner mystical sea until you come to a still point where you can rest and relax.

How does that feel? I hope it was fun and that you were able to settle into our waters.

Now pick a card (if you want) and read its message in the reveal.

Let me know how it resonates, and share the post with those who might benefit from a little Seaborn wisdom.

And if you want to gift yourself (or someone else) a copy of this deck, get one now and it'll be shipping soon from stores big and small! Getting decks early (and leaving reviews once you have them) help us creators enormously, and we love you so much for it!

[charnamefic]

Once again, there’s a transcript below the cut.

Halfway down the hill the bundle began to cry: the air-raid siren wail of the newly born. High. Wordless. And old.

 --------------------

 There was something deeply unfair about being an Earthbound demon, Crawleigh reflected, as he started the 2CV and clunked it down the waterlogged country road. From what he could see, most people, ordinary human people, seemed to do far better than he did when it came to adding to the sum total of human misery.

 He gripped the wheel miserably. Where He’d gone wrong, of course well, of course, He went wrong all the time, it was His job. Where He’d gone particularly wrong was in making Crawleigh human. It subjected you to all kinds of little pressures, no wonder most of them were several coupons short of a toaster, you ended up feeling sorry for them, the poor bastards.

 It wasn’t that he didn’t want to ruin the lives and souls of strangers; it was just that after he’d given them nice cups of tea and homemade cakes, and listened to their problems and helped them balance their cheque books, and got their kittens down from trees, there simply wasn’t the time.

 The road to heaven, he would reflect gloomily, is paved with bad intentions, and resolve to break his ways. Starting, well, tomorrow. Probably.

 He stuck out his chin. Enough of that. No more messing

 about. From now on he was going to be bad. Worse than Michael Jackson. The thought turned his mind to something better in the way of in-car entertainment than the sloshing of the windscreen wipers. The radio would do nothing except crackle in Danish, so he fumbled for a cassette and pushed it into the slot.

 It was The Best of Queen. It always was. Crawleigh suspected that any tape left in a car for more than a fortnight metamorphosed into a Best of Queen album.

 He nearly stopped for a hitchhiker; but at the last moment he remembered the child asleep on the back seat, and sped past the woman hitching by the side of the road, drenching her. Pride and embarrassment struggled within him. Pride won. One of the windscreen wipers was swept away by the rain.

 The tape was bleating about someone who kept Moet and Chandon in a pretty cabinet. Crawleigh, in that dreamlike state that afflicts all car drivers in the pouring rain at night, found himself wondering who Moet and Chandon were.

 And then he wasn’t. Suddenly Freddy Mercury’s voice was talking to Crawleigh.

 WE ARE RELYING ON YOU, it said. DO NOT FAIL US, CRAWLEIGH.

 “No, Lord.”

 NO...WHAT DID WE DO TO YOU AFTER THE ATLANTIS DEBACLE? REMIND US.

 “Half an aeon, O Master of the Nine Hells, partially dismembered, suspended in the flaming cesspits of Abbadon. There were internal stoats in there somewhere as well. And after that l was Earthbound until further notice.”

 YESSSSS. WE TELL YOU THIS, CRAWLEIGH: LISTEN WELL: IF ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL GOES WRONG WITH THIS VENTURE YOU WON’T FIND US ANYWHERE NEARLY SO LENIENT. GOT THAT?

 Crawleigh shook in his seat. He nodded violently.

 GOOD. I see a little silhouetto of a man scaramouche scaramouche will you do the fandango...

 A hole in the sunroof chose this moment to make its presence felt. The rain dripped onto Crawleigh’s head. He didn’t care. All he had to do tonight was to swap over two babies. What could be simpler than that?

 --------------------

 The maternity hospital was fairly quiet, if you didn’t count the screams of women in labour.

 Mr Brown knew what his role in the actual physical action of having babies ought to be. He should be pacing the corridors, puffing nervously on his pipe, making small talk with the other fathers. Then a matronly nurse with a twinkling eye would pop her head around the door and say Mister Brown? It’s a boy or a girl, or twins, or something

 and he would hand around the cigars he had bought for the occasion, congratulate Deirdre, and go off and get stinking drunk. He‘d done it twice before, and you soon got the hang of it. It was like shelling peas.

 The No Smoking sign was the first hurdle. Deirdre was the second. Mister Brown blamed Woman’s Hour.

 He felt strongly that it wasn’t his place to sit next to Deirdre and exhort her to breathe. She knew how to breathe. He was pretty sure about that. He had done his bit nine months earlier when a power cut had sent them to bed earlier than planned, and he didn’t see why he needed to go to classes on ‘Constructive coparenting’ at his time of life. And he didn’t see why he had to tell Deirdre to do something she’d been doing for years. And what was he meant to do with the cigars?

 It wasn’t like this in the old days.

 In the old days Deirdre had done little more than bustle around the house arranging flowers, with occasional spurts of shopping thrown in to liven up the day before the Women’s Institute meeting. Then one morning he had come down to breakfast to discover Deirdre in a smock that would have not looked out of place on a Nativity play shepherd, if the actor playing the shepherd was five foot eight and was the kind of Shepherd who had a NUCLEAR POWER NO THANKS badge pinned to the right hand side of his bosom. And there was muesli. Not kippers. Not sausages. Bacon was right out. Bacon was practically the Eighth Deadly Sin. From that day

 forward it had been muesli all the way. And Mrs Brown’s confinement had been mystically transformed into the most joyous and sharing experience that two people can have.

 Well, he hadn’t got anything against joyous sharing experiences. Here’s to joyous sharing experiences. Joyous sharing experiences were all right by him. It just that, as far as he was concerned, Deirdre could have this joyous sharing experience by herself. He’d sidled out of the labour room, and was now huddled by a service entrance puffing at his pipe. He was sheltered from the rain, but not from the cold or the wind.

 He shivered. It happened to them at a certain age. Your father never warned you about it. Suddenly they started ordering their own newspaper, the sort with pages with names like Lifestyle and Options. They started to join things, and did these robotic exercises in pink socks with the feet cut out. They started to blame you for not having had to work for a living for twenty-five years. It was hormones, or something.

 A Citroen 2CV drew up by the dustbins. The young man who got out was wearing a raincoat and carrying a large bundle. He ran across the car park getting wetter with each step. When he reached the service entrance Mr Brown said, “You’ve left your lights on.”

 “Damn. It’s supposed to have this thing that bleeps. Here, hold this.” He thrust the bundle into Mr Brown’s arms and dashed back across the car park to wrestle with the car's

 door and lighting system. Mr Brown was surprised to find that the bundle seemed to be a small carrycot, with a cover over it.

 From the weight there was a baby in the carrycot. Strange, thought Mr Brown, most people take babies away from Maternity Hospitals...

 “Thanks,” said the young man in the raincoat, who was by now soaked through. He took back the bundle and winked. “Is it happening yet?” he asked.

 Deep in the leather armchair of his soul Mr Brown felt vaguely proud to be so instantly recognisable as a parent.

 “Yes,” he admitted, “She’s in labour, if that’s what you mean.

 “Already? Any idea how long we’ve got to go?”

 We? Obviously a Doctor With ideas about coparenting. “Not long now,” said Mister Brown, “She was, uh, doing it when I had to pop out...” He gestured vaguely with his pipe to indicate pressing calls of nature.

 “Shaitan! Now? Why didn’t you say so?” Crawleigh shouldered his burden of waterproofed carrycot and headed for the green swing door. “Oh blast I’ve forgotten. What room’s she in?”

 “Room Three,” said Mr Brown “It’s at the top of the stairs.” He fumbled in his pocket for the packet. “Would you like to share a cigar experience?” he called, but Crawleigh was already running through the doors. Mr Brown sighed,

 and put the cigars away. Then he returned to his pipe.

 It had gone out.

 --------------------

 If you have ever watched a slick stage magician perform a three-card trick, or been hustled by a respectable gentleman with a pea and three shells, you will know the ease and dizzying slickness with which three similar objects can be swapped, exchanged and transferred from place to place, so that you lose any knowledge of which was where to start with.

 This was nothing like that, although the principle is sort of the same.

 Watch carefully. We will stop the action:

 Mrs Brown is giving birth in Maternity Room Three. She is having a dark-haired male baby we will call baby A.

 The wife of the American Ambassador, Mrs Harriet Dowling, is giving birth in Maternity Room Four. She is having a dark-haired male baby we will call baby B.

 Nurse Hodges is a devout Satanist. As a child she went to Sabbat School regular as prunes, and although she won several black stars for things like handwriting and liver she was never particularly bright. She is being handed a dark-haired male baby we will call The Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is

 called Dragon, Prince of this World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan and Lord of Darkness.

 There. Got it? Ok, roll ‘em:

 “Is that him?” said Nurse Hodges, staring at the baby. “Only I’d expected maybe funny eyes. Or teensyweensy little hoofikins. Or a widdle tail.” She turned him round as she spoke. No horns either. The devil’s child looked ominously normal.

 “Yes, it’s him,” sighed Crawleigh.

 “Well, I knew it must be, what with you saying he was and all. Coo. Fancy. Me holding the Antichrist. Me bathing the Antichrist. Wiping his little botty and tickling his little toesywoeses...”

 She appeared quite carried away, and was now addressing the child. Crawleigh waved a hand in front of her face. “Hello? Nurse Hodges?”

 “Sorry, sir. He is a little sweetheart. Do you think he looks like his dad? I bet he does. I bet he looks like his daddywaddykins...”

 Crawleigh sighed. “She’s in maternity room three, and she may already have had the baby. Be on standby I want the exchange made as soon as is possible. Got it?”

 “OOO’s a widdledumpydumpywumpyden? OOOOOOOOOO’s a widdlerumpypumpydumpyden? Room three is it, sir? Righty-ho.”

[ancientbooshartifacts]

The Art of Shaman Persuasion

Author: Bamfwriter

Year: 2009

Rating: PG-13

Characters: Naboo, Vince, Howard, Bollo

"You'd better get some magic potions out, Mowgli, or we're gonna hurt you!" Vince's eyes were desperate, and by the tone of his voice, he meant business.

"Give me a break," Naboo said with a grin.

"What, you think we're bluffing?" Noir asked in disbelief, "We're dead serious, aren't we Howard?"

"Absolutely," Howard said smugly, "Make with the magic, shorty, or you'll be sorry."

"You know I can't," Naboo said, spreading his hands with an elegant little shrug. "I'm bound by shaman law to..."

"Yeah yeah, noble cause, we know that bit," Vince said impatiently, "but this IS a noble cause!" He leaned closer and glared at the smaller man. "Helping us will save a shaman from bodily harm!"

"Yeah right," Naboo scoffed, rolling his eyes, "I know you both too well; You'd never hurt me."

"We're desperate men, Naboo," Howard said sternly. "There's no telling what we're capable of at a time like this!" The corners of Howard's mouth twitched up as he fought not to grin. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Vince was trying not to laugh. Somehow, he just knew that Vince was thinking the same thing he was.

"Tell you what," Naboo said, wrinkling his nose, "I'll go put the kettle on while you two decide what sort of dastardly methods of persuasion you plan to try on me." He shifted to the edge of the bed and started to stand. "But keep in mind, I AM a shaman; I don't fold easily. You want eggs or kippers?"

"Alright," Howard said with a grin, pointing, "grab him!"

"Righto," Vince muttered, lunging across the bed at Naboo. The shaman yelped and tried to jump out of reach, but Noir snagged him by the waistband of his pajama trousers and yanked him back.

"Oi, leggo!" Naboo demanded, grabbing his pants as they very nearly slid right off his hips.

Vince wrapped his arms around Naboo's naked torso and pulled him back down onto the bed. The diminutive mystic struggled and kicked, but the mod was too strong. Noir pinned Naboo's right arm to the mattress and laid on top of it, taking care not to put too much weight on the twisting limb. Then he grabbed the shaman's left wrist, pulled it above Naboo's head and likewise pinned it down, effectively immobilizing the smaller man's arms.

Meanwhile, at the foot of the bed, Howard had thrown himself across Naboo's legs, like Vince, taking care not to crush his smaller friend. He moved onto his side, leaning on one elbow, facing his friends.

"Geroff!" Naboo was growling, ineffectively struggling under the weight of both of the much larger men, "This isn't fair!" He started to laugh. After a moment, he gave up and just lay there, defeated.

"Now then," Howard began, grinning, "Will you reconsider, Naboo? Will you brew us something to help us find the new sound?"

"Piss off," Naboo sneered, "I'll brew something that'll make your wangers fall off if you ballbags don't let me up."

Vince cackled. "Oh man, Howard, he's not gonna budge. He obviously needs persuasion."

"Indeed," Moon said with a nod, "You got him?" he asked, his grin widening.

"Oh yeah," Vince replied with a sinister smile at their intended victim. He tightened his hold on Naboo's wrist. "He's not going anywhere."

Unnerved by the look on Vince's face, Naboo's eyes widened. He looked from Vince to Howard, swallowing hard. "Wait...," he began, trying to sit up.

"Too late!" Howard sang, "You had your chance to be reasonable." He reached up and began drawing little circles on Naboo's tummy with his fingertips.

"HEY!" the mystic squeaked, trying to squirm away from Moon's fingers, "Howard! Quit it!" He struggled, twisting, starting to giggle.

"You asked for this, Naboo," Howard said innocently, chuckling.

"Yeah, we warned you, you crease," Vince added, laughing along with Howard. "We gave you a chance to help us, and you refused." The mod reached over and used his long fingers to delicately stroke the skin under Naboo's arm.

"No, STOP!" Naboo wailed, trying to pull his arm down, "Please! Viiiiiince!"

"You know what you have to do, Naboolio," Howard said softly, "You know what we want." He began to lightly rake his fingers back and forth through the little patch of hair around the shaman's navel, eliciting another screech from his diminutive victim.

"EEK! Guys, c'mon, STOP!" Naboo squealed, trying frantically to buck Howard off him, with no effect. He wrenched at his trapped arms, arched his back, trying anything to escape the tickling fingers. "ST-ST-STOP! Please, please, pleeeeease... I ca... I can't..." Whatever it was Naboo couldn't do was lost as the tiny mystic dissolved into helpless, hysterical laughter.

Howard grinned even more widely, and began to tickle softly up and down the hollows at the edges of Naboo's spasming stomach muscles, first one side, and then the other. "We're waiting," he prompted.

Naboo couldn't speak, all he could do was laugh. After a few moments, even his laughter became silent, and the shaman just lay there, shaking with soundless mirth.

Howard took mercy, and removed his hand. He watched Naboo laying there, little body trembling, fuzzy chest heaving, his face flushed and black hair plastered across his brow with sweat, tears streaming from his eyes.

"Do you give in?" the mustachioed man asked, raising his eyebrows.

Naboo shook his head, breathing hard.

"Really?" Moon asked, astonished. He raised one hand, and wiggled his fingers threateningly. "More torture, then?"

"Fuck you!" Naboo growled.

Howard looked across the shaman's body to Vince, whose eyeliner had run down his face from laughing. The mod shrugged.

"Well, what do you think?" Vince asked Howard.

Howard gestured toward Vince. "Go for it," he said with a smile.

Vince leaned over to leer into Naboo's face for a moment. Then he reached down and began scuttling his fingers over the shaman's ribs, and his victim shrieked.

"AUGH, NO! NOOOOOO!" Naboo was immediately overcome with laughter again, thrashing his head back and forth, eyes squinted shut as he pleaded for mercy. "VINCE, PLEASE PLEEEEEEASE, NO!"

Meanwhile, Howard sat up and lifted Naboo's legs into his lap. Pinning the bony shins under his arm, he ran the tip of his index finger up and down the soles of the little shaman's feet.

Naboo gave a screech that set the neighbor's dogs to barking, and with Herculean effort, was somehow able to kick and twist his way out of his friends' grips. He rolled onto his stomach, but before he could rise, Vince jumped on him, straddled him and began ruthlessly kneading his sides. The shaman screamed with laughter, bucking, pounding the mattress with his fists and feet, desperately trying to dislodge the mod.

Howard climbed off the bed, and knelt beside it, putting his face at eye-level with the shaman. He couldn't hold back his own laughter at the sight of Naboo's red face, and he realized how infrequently he'd seen the smaller man laugh. As he watched, he heard the shaman's voice begin to grow hoarse, and the laughter was replaced by a coughing fit. Moon quickly motioned for Vince to stop, and the mod removed his hands.

"Stop... stop... you win... please...," Naboo gasped out each word between huge intakes of air, the last traces of merriment making his voice tremble. As Vince climbed off of him, Naboo rolled onto his back and lay there, spent, sweaty, and giddy.

"You'll help us, then?"

The shaman nodded breathlessly. "Got just the thing...," he wheezed, "Liquid Music." He got shakily to his feet, and Howard and Vince followed as he moved to his supply table. He grabbed a few ingredients, blended them well, and poured the orange concoction into two matching beakers, which he then handed to his friends.

Five minutes later, Howard and Vince were on their way to the recording studio. Naboo was sitting on his bed with Bollo, discussing The Boosh and their chance at signing on with the record company. Bollo asked him if he thought the potion would really help Vince and Howard.

"I doubt it," the shaman replied, wrinkling his nose, "That was just lucozade..." He laid back on the bed, smiled, and smugly folded his arms behind his head.

"...And a LOT of Dulcolax."