#mythoughtsandfeelings

[3mpathyy]

ive said that you painted a picture of me out of things you only wanted to see.

but i never admitted that i did the same to you.

[brightlightscastashadow]

Note 2 self for the future

Things I am v passionate about:

- painting - sculpture - study abroad/education abroad in general - Japanese culture & the wonder that is the city of Tokyo - Art school/ higher education - traveling & exploring - social media/ sharing knowledge & experiences with others

[this-is-fucking-insane]

I aspire to have Patcha's level of patience.

[jadealexisanchez]

It wasn’t me.

[keepitrealstaychill]

Dear Anndee. Letter #3

I lied to you…. When I told you I had never liked a girl before and that I just wanted to stay friends.

I have liked girls I just tried to ignore those feelings, hoping they would go away. And what I really wanted to say to you was that I wanted nothing more than to to call you mine,I liked you too.

Mabey that was my first mistake. Lieng about my feelings.

Even tho I told you we should stay friends. You still said …”Okay.. And mabey it will become something more”. And of course you were right. We only stayed just friends for two days, because it quickly became. Something More.

[brightlightscastashadow]

I know I should go to therapy, I knew that a year ago, but its such a headache to schedule that I feel like I can't be bothered. I really need it though. I can't live another semester like this.

[brightlightscastashadow]

I was feeling so optimistic about this semester because it seemed like I had everything lined up for it to be an incredible few months, but now I'm not sure.

Things were going smoothly with the guy I like, but now it seems like something is up, or at best, he's still too busy to hang out with me even if he wants to.

I had a job painting murals that extended from my internship, but now I'm not even sure if I'll be getting paid properly, because I was never able to sign my contract

I was really hopeful about making new friends and having some classes that will be really enjoyable for me. But I forgot that everyone here is already great friends with each other. My classes seem ok, but it feels like there's no one to talk to. Plus I've only had 1.5 sculpture classes and I already had a panic attack. I'm glad I dropped the sculpture major because there's no way I would be able to handle it, but I still have to get through this class.

I've been so busy that I've lost track of the clarity I had with my goals over the summer. I need to get back my time everyday for myself and my goals. Because it's been a week and I've already lost sight of them.

[brightlightscastashadow]

ok so tomorrow i am going on a Wholesome Coffee Date with a cute boy (that all of my friends apparently already called second dibs on??) who described our date as “an adventure” because neither of us had ever been there. The only dilemma is that I’m pretty sure I forgot how to be wholesome because I literally have not been on a Wholesome date since perhaps march (rip).

i’m so excited though because honestly we seem like we’d make a great pair, so I hope our chemistry through texting transfers over IRL.

[brightlightscastashadow]

Smh shit ain't anywhere near official yet and I went and got all emotional and needy on him already 🙄 I just hate that we are both so busy and he lives so far. Everytime I like someone I want to spend as much time with them as possible. Like if we do date this will still be an issue...

Fuck I really like him but it just feels like there's nothing I can do about it

(The feeling that we are on the same page still hasn't left but how much do feelings weigh against logistics of budding romances??? Sometimes not enough).

[brightlightscastashadow]

I want to work on being a better person. I want to bring value to my relationships with people beyond just always having a wild story to tell. It's not sustainable for my relationships or for me.

[brightlightscastashadow]

this just in!!! i base my happiness & self worth off of the attention i get from men!!

[brightlightscastashadow]

life is good lately. even when i have bad moments, i have the ability to accept them and pull myself out of them rather than dwelling in them. 

i’m happy i was able to recognize all of the issues tinder was causing in my life. i’m in the city alone, so i felt this intense urge to fill that emptiness. but obviously, tinder didn’t really help with that- it just intensified that. So i basically swore off of tinder until school starts up again (and i’ll be surrounded by friends then so it’s a healthier atmosphere for it). Its... been so good for me. I told myself i would put that time and energy into my friends and myself. I’ve been connecting more with my friends, realizing I’m not alone at all. I have so many friends who mutually love and care about me, and I’m glad I made the active decision to start consciously making an effort.

i’ve also taken the time to work on myself. i’ve been going to the gym at least 4 days a week, and I study Japanese every day. creating these new habits inspired me to start implementing more, and i feel like i’m really on a role. creating these small daily habits that will eventually add up to something bigger has really taken the pressure to accomplish something away, and now i am just able to enjoy the things I like to do every day in manageable amounts

my internship has been going well, and i’ve been talking a lot more with the artist i’m working with about career stuff. she just asked me today if i’d be interested in maybe working as an assistant (if they can get the money, rather than just an intern) on this project while i’m in school this fall! it feels like good things are happening, and i feel so lucky.

tomorrow i’m going to the city to see steph and hang out with her and her friend! i’ll get to see my family and my pup tomorrow night too! then sunday, my dad is driving me back and we are going to spend all day together exploring. &then Monday i’m going to get coffee with someone (future edit: yikes, didn’t happen)

things feel so good, and i feel like i can claim that success because of the work i have been putting in to improving myself

[brightlightscastashadow]

There are so many places I want to go, that I'm going to figure out a way to go to. I wonder what my purpose is, I wonder why I need to travel. I want to bring the world together but I'm too shy to know how. Places I'm thinking about rn: -west coast road trip with my brother -Vancouver by myself -Toronto>Montreal>Quebec with my mom -Rome for study abroad next spring -Nashville & Knoxville with Shannon -going back to Seoul again (to go clubbing hahaha) -exploring more of Japan, seeing more cities -Spain, gosh I could spend a while there probably -Israel, maybe with birthright, to experience the history And of course the end goal rn -Tokyo, to study, to live for a while at least

[brightlightscastashadow]

I lowkey think it would be hilarious to put together a little set of my tinder tales bc they're hilarious/wild/maybe relatable and it would be so fun but I actually won't bc I already overshare too much I'll just keep building the collection and write in my will that they are to be published posthumously, and all of my relatives and acquaintances will be scandalized at my funeral 😎

[brightlightscastashadow]

ok like tbh I miss being cared for/cared about in a romantic way so so much and this whole tinder incident that just went down kinda brought that to light. Like I left that guys house and like my mind was a fog so I wandered around Philly so I wouldn't have to go home like that. But I ended up at a bunch of places in Philly that have really strong memories tied to them and it was weird to be there by myself and I just got really sad and still am 24 hours later ?? Idk I just want someone to respect and care for me and treat me like I'm special just like I try to treat everyone I'm with. Like all my friends were like girl u deserve better and like.. I know that, I finally know that, and that's why this is all the more frustrating.

[brightlightscastashadow]

I literally think about moving to japan every day, it’s literally all I think about. I want to make a future for myself there. The thing is I don’t know if I see that being successful, but right now I don’t see myself making a future (or whatever amount of time anyway) anywhere else