#n i wonder whether i would have had a less lonely life w dating if i just stayed a girl

[graevs666]

i feel so ugly

[cinnajun]

ᵕ̈ ೫˚∗: can i have a hug? | hrj

summary | a series of routines between you and your boyfriend, renjun, shortly after moving in with each other.

genre | huang renjun x fem!reader. non-idol! au. angst with a cute ending, renjun is a bit protective

warnings | a lot of self doubt, jaemin’s girlfriend is awful and mean, y/n and renjun overset boundaries (if that’s a thing)

wc | 3.7k

a/n: renjun is the love of my life and i would do anything for him even w the military cut amen thank you god also suhyun isn’t based off anyone

TO BE HONEST, it would be a lie to say you weren’t expecting this. Despite that, there was a glimmer of hope, an all-consuming glimmer, that made you believe your moving into Renjun’s apartment would be more than it actually was.

Renjun values his alone time, and you know that. You’ve respected it for your whole relationship, and, honestly, it wouldn’t be too far off to say you held the same sentiments. You would even say that was half the reason you both fit together so well.

When you first brought up moving in together, you’d suggested separate bedrooms, claiming it might be better for both of you. It was Renjun who rejected the idea, saying it would just drive a wedge between you two and how much you hung out.

You were overjoyed then, but not so much now.

Glancing at your clock, which read 1:03 am, you were upset that you couldn’t fall asleep. You were exhausted, with your eyes hurting at every movement and your limbs stuck to the mattress, but closing your eyes and letting your mind run made everything worse.

You were on the left corner of the bed, and Renjun had squared himself all the way to the right. He hadn’t so much as touched you, only offering you a small “good night” and a smile. He’d fallen asleep quickly, too, as he always did, not giving you a second thought.

Renjun wasn’t very touchy (and, once again, you weren’t either). Still, a part of you had also hoped that he’d initiate even the slightest bit of skinship, whether it be hand-holding or even the slightest bit of proximity between you two. But, no, he was at least a foot away from you, maybe more, tucked into himself.

As you were realizing, it felt…bad. Even if he normally slept like this, even if you both weren't big into skinship, it felt awful. It felt like he was afraid to touch you, uncomfortable with touching you, even though you lived together.

You’d get over it, soon enough. You knew Renjun loved you—he’d let you move into his apartment, for free no less, for god’s sake—but, in little moments like these, it’s hard to wrap your mind around.

-

Usually, you like hanging out with Renjun’s friends. They’re a fun group of people, always having something to bicker over or joke about, and you never leave without laughing until your cheeks hurt.

Tonight, though, was terrible.

Jaemin had invited his girlfriend—a rare occurrence from him, as they’d only started dating recently—and he had no issue with any sort of affection, even in front of so many people. He leaned over to whisper in her ear, practically dragged her onto his lap, and hugged her for nearly the entire night, all of which were things you would hate to happen to you.

Still, you couldn’t help but compare them to how you felt now.

Meanwhile, the rest of Renjun’s friends were going on and on about your new living situation, poking fun at how you came in the same car and left in the same one. Haechan particularly teased you both, referring to you as the first married couple in the relationship. At one point, he assumed a mocking old-lady voice, asking “when are you planning to have kids?” which drew a long sigh from both you and Renjun.

Unfortunately, the lovey-dovey jokes on top of Jaemin and Suhyun made you want to drive a drill into your skull more than ever.

You were particularly quiet on the ride home, staring at the moon from the car window. You wondered if the moon felt lonely orbiting the Earth, in the way you somehow managed to feel lonely in the most loving relationship you’d experienced in your whole life.

Of course, Renjun picked up on your quietness almost immediately. “Are you feeling okay?” he had asked, linking your pinkies together as he drove. The touch, as simple and as common as it was in your relationship, sent an uncomfortable sensation down your arm.

“I’m okay,” you replied, trying to sound as chipper as possible. “They tire me out.”

He didn’t press more, humming in response. You knew he didn’t believe you, but Renjun also trusted that, if something was wrong and you didn’t share, you would know how to handle it.

When you got home, you practically slid into bed almost immediately. Your skincare routine was cut short and you put on your warmest pajamas, mostly in hopes that they’d make you feel more loved at night than Renjun did.

You were in bed before him, but, once again, you couldn’t sleep. Instead, you kept your eyes closed, even when Renjun was talking on the phone with Mark in a hushed voice, even when he pressed his hand to your forehead and told Mark “no, she doesn’t have a fever,” even when he crawled into bed next to you (yet still so far away) and whispered a quiet “good night,” even though he thought you were sleeping.

-

You thought things wouldn’t get worse than they already were. You convinced yourself this was temporary, this was okay, that you’d get over it soon enough.

Renjun’s friends had other plans, though.

Living with him meant seeing them a lot more. Renjun held a lot of importance to making sure his friends knew you, and that you knew his friends. Skipping out on their get-togethers often would make him upset, and you didn’t want to make him upset.

Hanging out with his friends, however, was starting to make you upset, ironically enough.

Somehow, Mark had come upon a large amount of very illegal fireworks (his friend Johnny had given them to him, which upset Haechan a fair amount, for some reason). Now, you were sitting in Chenle’s backyard—his huge, multi-acre backyard—lighting them off.

The only issue was Jaemin inviting his girlfriend again, and them being all over each other, as per usual. You and Renjun were sitting next to each other, sure, but you were about half a foot apart and hadn’t touched each other since Renjun helped you onto the ledge you both sat on.

The moment Jaemin and Suhyun arrived, she was sitting in his lap, and he was whispering stuff in her ear, and she was marveling at the colors, and Jaemin was looking at her like she was the world. The only issue was that you knew that you’d hate it, once again, but you couldn’t help but yearn for what they had, what she had.

Mark dropped his phone onto the grass once a big group of fireworks went off, evidently done recording that round. He looked at Chenle, saying something to him (which you couldn’t hear), just before running off towards where the rest of the fireworks were.

As silence overtook the group, Suhyun turned towards your ledge, suddenly staring you down. It made you more anxious, and it took everything in you to stand your ground and not twiddle your thumbs in discomfort.

You began to open your mouth to comment on the fireworks, but Suhyun filled the silence before you could.

“So you two are dating?” she asked, looking between you and Renjun. He looked over at her, giving her a wary look you could only describe as his signature just-shut-up look.

“Uh, yeah,” you nodded, wondering if she’d miraculously forgotten that you both were introduced to her as a couple. She hummed in recognition, nodding and biting her lip. She looked as though she was plotting something, a certain emotion you couldn’t pinpoint flashing behind her eyes.

With the small upturn of her lips, she asked, “For how long?”

You weren’t looking at him directly, but you could’ve sworn Renjun rolled his eyes at her question. He looked annoyed that she even decided to speak to you, hell, he just looked annoyed.

“Three years,” he replied. Usually, when someone asked how long you’d been together, he was excited to answer, as if he was proud of the length of time. Now, he looked unhappy and angry, like he wanted nothing more than for Suhyun to shut up.

“Really?” she suddenly replied, her eyes widened and her brows lifted. This whole situation was off-putting; more often than not, when people responded to “three years” with “really?” their tone of voice was impressed, but hers felt surprised in a not-so-kind way.

You heard Haechan, who sat next to you, suck in a breath, like he was going to start speaking, but he never got the chance.

“Sorry, it just doesn’t look like you guys even like each other.”

The words were nails screeching on a chalkboard, a violin’s strings violently snapping in the middle of the song, a hammer flying through a glass door.

Your stomach tightened, and you tensed immediately. Without skipping a beat, Renjun said, “Excuse me?” with the most malicious tone you’d heard out of him in a while. She shrugged, looking back towards Mark and Chenle. Jeno hopped off the ledge instantly, looking back at Renjun and Haechan before jogging out towards the two stragglers.

“Hey,” Jisung suddenly piped in from his blanket on the grass, face contorting into one of apprehension. “Maybe let's talk about something else.”

Jaemin looked a bit shocked, his eyes widened and his mouth slightly ajar, but he didn’t try to say anything. In the tense silence, Haechan let out a loud scoff, drawing you to look at him. He had the same expression as Renjun—intense dislike, maybe even hatred—and you felt like you were missing something.

“What the fuck do you know?” Haechan spat, crossing his arms. “Just because they aren’t making out every second of the day doesn’t mean they don’t like each other.”

“What I want to know,” Renjun began with a tight voice, and, suddenly, you were scrambling, realizing he was very upset by the question, and Renjun was not easy to deal with when angry. You put your hand over his, cringing at the unconsented touch, but still hoping it would help in the slightest. “Is why you think you know anything about my relationship when you’ve met my girlfriend once before today? I suppose I’m not following.”

The sort of politeness in his voice was one you were accustomed to. When he was especially upset, he took on a sort of condescension, yet he lowered his chin to look up at whoever he was talking to. Jaemin, definitely not thinking straight, jumped to Suhyun’s defense at the sight of Renjun’s offense.

“Dude, chill out,” he said, visibly tightening his arms around Suhyun’s stomach. “She didn’t mean it like you think she did.”

Suhyun looked towards the speed-walking Mark, Chenle, and Jeno, puffing her lips out into an unassuming pout.

“No, I think she did mean it like that. Just like she’s meant everything else,” Renjun replied, and then the blame had shifted.

“Renjun,” you whispered, squeezing his hand. “It’s fine. Just ignore it.”

Instead, he ignored you. Haechan did too, apparently, coming to Renjun’s defense.

“I guess she didn’t mean it, though, huh? When she called Mark a loser, or when she told me to go waste my time pining over another one of my friends.” He laughed dryly, rolling his neck in a circle. “Get a grip, Jaemin. Holy shit.”

“Guys.” Mark “the mediator” Lee appeared, but he’d shown up all too late. Renjun returned your hand-holding, but he did so to pull you off the ledge with him. Abruptly, you were exiting the firework hang-out, Haechan following close behind.

“Guys!” Mark called out once again, but Renjun didn’t look back, not until you were in the car.

-

Upset Renjun had made things worse at home.

When you’d gone to bed, he opted to stay up with Haechan in the living room. You’d never seen him so worked up, not like this. Part of it made you feel good, feel loved, but the other part of it made you feel worse than before.

You knew the reason she’d said that was your lack of couple-presenting activities, or, more simply, PDA. She hadn’t heard an ‘I love you’ or anything similar once, and, if you had to guess, the first time she’d seen you touch Renjun was when you were trying to calm him down.

In a way, she was right. It was bad to even consider it, but she was kind of right.

The sound of your front door opening and closing was loud, but you were glad Haechan was gone and Renjun was coming to bed. Taking one last look at the moon, you squeezed your eyes shut, curling into yourself. If you were lucky, sleep would come easy tonight, but this was one of the unluckiest nights of your life, so far.

Renjun opened the door to your bedroom a little too roughly, but he closed it very gently, so as not to disturb your fake sleep. There was the sound of clothes rustling, of belts being taken off and sweatpants being put on, but it seemed like he would be bypassing his usual, extensive nighttime routine.

Instead, he got under the covers right beside you, tugging you into his chest. Your eyes flew open, followed by a small “Renjun?” that escaped from your throat.

“Go back to sleep,” he mumbled into your neck, causing goosebumps to sprout down your arms. “I love you. Good night.”

And, for the first time in about two weeks, you fell asleep with ease.

-

Nothing had changed. You were hopeful it had, after that night, but once Renjun calmed down, everything was the same, and you were back to feeling the sinking feeling in your stomach all too soon.

There was something that had shifted, though, and that is how you ended up sitting across from Mark at a small cafe in the city. He was nervous, you could easily tell from the way he spoke to the way he walked. When he texted you, he was sure to inform you that this was about Renjun and Jaemin, nothing more, nothing less.

“I don’t know what to do,” he sighed, putting his head in his hands. “They’re at each other’s throats, even though this should be something they get over easily. Hyuck is taking Renjun’s side, and so is Jeno, but the rest of us are pretty much neutral. It’s causing a lot of drama. I don’t know.”

“In the kindest way possible,” you began to respond, taking a big gulp of your coffee. “The problem here seems to be Suhyun and not Jaemin or Renjun.”

“I guess so, but…was the comment really that bad?”

In a burst of sudden discontent, you frowned. “I think…I think the issue is that she was a little too right.”

Mark furrowed his brows, suddenly confused. “I mean, right about what? You and Renjun orbit each other like…like two colliding stars, or something—god, that was a little cringy of me. But, seriously, I can’t see how she was right.”

Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you decided, at the moment, Mark was someone you could trust. He would know how to drag you out of the situation you were in, you were sure of it. “Can I be honest?”

“Of course.”

“Renjun and I, like, barely even touch each other. The last time we even kissed was three days ago, and it was only because he was going to be gone for a long while. It’s like…moving in with each other made us afraid of each other,” you lamented, looking down at your hands. “We share a bed, but he sleeps as far as he possibly could from me. Like, the other night, I felt uncomfortable even holding his hand. We are stepping over boundaries we had set like two weeks into our relationship. I guess Suhyun must’ve picked that up somehow, but…I don’t know.”

Mark was quiet for a minute, and, when you looked up, he seemed to be deliberating something. “That’s why you’ve been so out of it, then? Not because you're feeling bad or something is going on at work?”

“…Yeah, that would be why.”

“I get it. It makes sense now, why he got that angry and why things have been weird. I’m not saying I like Suhyun, she seriously is awful, but it makes sense.”

“What—what should I do?”

Mark thought for a minute more, tapping his chin. “Okay, here’s our plan. I break Jaemin and Suhyun up using Jeno, and you ask Renjun for a hug. How about that?”

-

You and Renjun used to ask each other for hugs a lot. Back in the first year of your relationship, it was commonplace for you both, and the answer was always yes. Then, during your second year, there was less asking and more just-doing. The third year brought a weird type of hesitation that came with living with someone else for the first time, not in the way of a roommate, but in the way of a lover.

You didn’t expect to be nervous to ask Renjun for a hug ever.

You were coming home from a movie you’d planned on seeing in the Cinema weeks in advance. You were quick to shed your wet raincoat, hanging it on the hooks next to your front door. Your shoes came off and you stretched your arms out, glad to be inside your warm apartment and no longer out in the rainy cold.

This was when you decided you’d ask Renjun for a hug. Even if you were so nervous you could die, you would ask him for that hug, no matter what.

When you put your purse down, you began hyping yourself up internally, screaming at yourself to just go for it, that he was your boyfriend, and you’d done much worse than a hug before. So, with a brave pivot, you stared at Renjun with conviction, and he stared back with confusion.

“Yes?” he asked, dropping the keys in the little bowl you had for them.

“Can I have a hug?” you forced out, ignoring how your throat tightened and you oddly felt like crying. He stared at you for a moment, before his mouth turned up into a big smile.

“What? You don’t have to ask me for a hug, loser,” he said, approaching you. He drew you into the allotted hug, rocking you back and forth with him. “We stopped asking so long ago. What prompted that?”

“I don’t know,” you lied, squeezing his waist as hard as you could. You couldn’t lie—Renjun gave very good, very warm hugs. He smelled of wood and the ocean, like the quiet beach town you’d both fantasized about living in. His sweaters were always warm and soft, engulfing you into a blanket-like embrace.

“You could…hug me more, you now. Maybe at night, and stuff. Like couples in a movie,” you suggested, burying your face into his neck. Renjun suddenly went quiet as you rocked around the room.

“Oh,” he finally erupted, squeezing you back. “Oh, I get it now. That was it.”

You didn’t say anything, even as Renjun erupted into a fit of little giggles. Through his chuckles, he said, “God, we are so stupid. I thought you were about to break up with me. I thought I’d done something. No, we were just being dumb. I have to tell Mark.”

“We aren’t dumb, we just respect each other too much. Isn’t that a good thing?”

Renjun unwrapped his arms from your waist, taking your face into his hands. “I guess, but not when it was driving us severely apart,” he mused.

Gently, Renjun pulled you into a kiss. It was reminiscent of the first few kisses you’d both shared, all of which were well-timed and disgustingly romantic. It was slow and soft, with no ill-intent behind either of your actions. It was filled with unspoken love and minty undertones, the softness of his lips and the warm feeling of his hands on your cheeks.

When he pulled away, you couldn’t help but feel a bit blue. You’d unknowingly deprived yourself of your boyfriend for so long under the guise of “respecting his boundaries,” and now you just wanted to spend your time with him eternally.

“I love you,” he spoke in a sing-songy voice. It was much happier than the last time he’d told you he loved you.

“I love you too,” you replied with the same tune, smiling like an idiot. “Also, Mark is going to try to break Suhyun and Jaemin up.”

“Thank god,” Renjun breathed out, leaning his forehead against yours. “Did you know she practically harassed Chenle to set them up? She’s seriously awful. But, I’m going to text him to wait, so I can make out with you in front of her right before Jaemin leaves her for good.”

“I’d hate that,” you laughed. “Maybe we can hold hands or something.”

“No, she’s going to have to sit and watch. Just to prove a point.” Renjun planted another short kiss on your lips, pulling away for good this time. You followed after him, realizing he was just going to start dinner and wasn’t going to do anything special. “You can have a hug whenever you like, my dear. Just say the word, and I’m there.

thank you for reading!

[mythiccheroacademia]

Hey!! Could we please get more sugar daddy fics with a black reader ofc 😋 idk if you've done shoto already but that'd be nice or hawks and deku💕

A/N: “wrist on glitter, waist on thinner, imma show you how to bag a eight-figure nigga” 👅💋 I enjoyed this way too much

All characters are 18+

Warnings: it got a lil spicy so imma put the line 

Todoroki Shouto:

this mf has money to burn 

we all know todoroki came out the womb w cash from his hair to his ass 

he’s on some “yes, jeff bezos knows me” type shit so if you’re tryna end up with someone that’s gonna possibly buy you a house, he’s your guy 

he slid into your dms after you posted a pic with your skin moisturized and glistening under golden hour and your body had him wanting to run laps 

he had been plottin on you for a min but never got the motivation to do something about it until then

he’s a no strings attached type of sugar daddy

todoroki is a big name even outside of hero work and he’s well aware of all the people that have tried to use him. so instead of letting that happen, he’s decided to do things on his own terms 

when yall first started talking, he questioned you like this was managerial position at apple 💀 

best believe he ran an in-depth background check and made you sign an NDA 💀💀💀

he was a tough one

but you passed w flying colors and y’all settled on an arrangement

you have a weekly allowance that hits your bank account every saturday with some bonuses that he’ll give you depending on how the week goes

todoroki isnt needy nor is he one to be all up in your business 

it’s actually weird in an endearing kind of way? 

he only wants to have conversations with you 

i mean, dont get me wrong, he’s up for anything you are

todoroki would be a liar if he said he never ended some nights with a picture of you and a hand down his pants 

but that’s not what he’s mainly looking for 

you figure out very quickly that shouto just wants someone to talk to 

he’ll randomly hit up your phone and have a 30 min convo about something like the weather or hero politics, and then he’ll dip

next thing you know, you got $1000 in your cashapp

you kind of panicked bc like...wtf? 

your dumb ass messaged him: “did you mean to send $1000?”

sis, dont put a question mark where God put a period

him: “Yes.”

and that was the end of that

you dont question anymore

he’s not doting in any kind of way, and sometimes you lowkey think he forgets about you, but you still get your allowance 

doesn’t send a lot of gifts unless you explicitly state you want something

he doesnt text back a lot, but he tried to respond when he can

but i do see him liking it when you send him mundane things you do throughout your day, like pics of cookies you baked, or a cool plant you saw at home depot

and he enjoys the times you and him end up just trashing his father for nearly an hour. expect to find flowers, with some expensive ass coats or something at your door the next morning 

he really fucks w your laid back vibe 

sometimes he forgets you guys arent really supposed to be friends 

Takami Kiego (Hawks):

this is not hawks’ first time being a sugar daddy

he’s hot, rich, and one of the most eligible bachelor’s in japan with a life that prevents him from having anything too serious

so, long story short, he’s a veteran at this 

he used to be the type to reach out to instagram baddies but he had a couple bad run-ins and decided to stick with the official sites because it was a lot more secure on both ends 

the funny thing was, you set up your account a long time ago as a joke. though at one point, you did take it seriously, but you came in contact with a lot of super creepy men that sexualized you for your skin and ethnicity. 

you were tired of the “chocolate king/queen” and “amazonian god/dess” comments,so you took a break. you didnt have much activity since

so imagine youre surprise when the #2 hero hit your line talking about some 

“Hey~ I’ll get straight to the point. I think you’re beautiful and I’d like to talk with you about an arrangement” 

you thought this was a fake account, but after he chatting for a little and sending some pictures, you knew he was the real deal 

hawks is your standard tit-for-tat transaction sugar daddy

he’s the type to hit you up at night with a “how ya doing, dove? got any pics for me?”

he’s good about his respect ad won’t do anything out of line

it’s the bare minimum, be he doesnt fetishize you so that’s always nice 

however, he does make you call him daddy, sir, etc. whether it’s through text, call, or when y’all get together for...reasons

ngl his dicc game is fire

he might ghost you for a week or so but he’ll always come back with a nice check to make up for it 

just be careful about catching feelings bc he’s so fucking smooth. he makes you feel like you’ve got his heart, but dont fall for that shit

if you think you can “change him” or fuflfil whatever wattpad romance fantasy lives in your head, he is not your guy. you better get on w your life before you get your heart broken

he’s here to suck, fuck, send pics, do a little phone call here n there, send some money, and go 

if you’re not with all that, you might as well dip 

but if you’re cool with that, rest assured, you’re gonna be living your best mf life with this man in your wallet 

and good news, you might not be his only, but you are his favorite

there’s just something about you that’s got him giving you a few extra thousand than he normally does 

he doesnt take his sugar babies on proper dates bc he’s gotta stay away from media outlets, but he will invite you to his office for a “lunch break”

if you ever surprise him with a cute but sexy hawks cosplay, you won’t have to work for two whole weeks bc you cant walk  

overall, he’s a good sugar daddy. defintely good for your pockets and any other non-romantic desires you want fulfilled

Mirodirya Izuku:  

the way you two met and came to this arrangement was more or less an accident

the life of the number one pro-hero was lonely and stressful 

he’s tried to dip his toes in the water here and there, but it never worked out because not many people could deal with the fact that he’d always put hero work first

he was teetering on the edge of signing up for one of those sugar daddy/baby websites until he met you at some cafe he passed by 

it’s cliche really. you were his server and, honestly? he was hooked on day one 

he watched you intently as you pranced around in your cute uniform. he couldnt stop admiring your brown skin and eyes and how cute your hair was. you spoke with such enthusiasm and cheerfulness that he couldnt help but swoon. and it didn’t hurt that you were very easy on the eyes

he listened to you as you went on a spiel about how college was a fortune and how you stayed up last night for a project bc you had to pick up extra shifts

that’s when he made his decision

by the time the hero is out of the door, you collected the reciept and almost fainted when you realized he left you a $500 tip and his personal number 

“i enjoyed talking to you today and i hope we can continue that...here’s something small to help with your bills. and i hope this isnt too forward but you’re very beautiful. stay safe. deku.”

and what did you do that night?

you called his ass right back

you were nervous as hell bc you still couldnt believe this was real, but after talking on the phone with him for two hours, an arrangement was set

midoriya is the most gentlemen like sugar daddy out there 

you wake up to good morning texts and a few hundred in your bank account almost every two days 

he goes crazy over your insta posts. and if you wear something green? expect a bonus

takes you out shopping unprovoked 

izuku: “are you busy? i saw you were having a rough week and was wondering if you wanted to go to that new outlet mall downtown”

you: 🏃🏾‍♀️💨  

you most certainly had homework due that night but what tf you look like missing out on that offer? 

it’s after so many “dates” that deku realizes that he prefers hanging around you more than he should but he doesnt wanna ruin anything so he keeps that underwraps 

he’s the idiot that goes into this thinking he won’t fall in love

deku defintely has some dirty thoughts about you but he doesnt try to bring it up unless you do first

if you’re comfortable with anything nsfw, you gone see a whole different side to izuku

he’s a giver, giver, giver, but when he recieves, he just about loses it

send him “innocent” pics of yourself matched with a string of filthy texts and he’ll combust 

when you send him pics of yourself in deku-themed lingre, he deadass sends you a whole black card with your name on it as a thank you

you guys get very comfortable with each other very quickly

soon enough, DA’s start turning into y/n stayng over for a week 

you both realize this relatiosnhip runs a lot deeper than an arrangement when he accidentally let it slip that he told his mom about you 

he’s profusely apologizing but you shut him up with a kiss and tell him that you’ve kinda caught feelings yourself 

your next conversation works out well for the both of you 

[bensakindofmagic]

Chapter Twenty Two

A/N: hey hey hey. long time no see. life has been fucking me up the literal asshole. i have so much work to do. dunno when the next chapter will be. it will be at some point though. promise.

Warnings: swears, mentions of sex (nothing frisky tho)

w/c: 3.6k+

Chapter Twenty Two

You hadn’t exactly had high expectations when it came to living in LA. You knew the rumours — the people were superficial, the traffic was horrific, there was a distinct lack of culture — but you had to admit you were still disappointed. Nothing was particularly wrong with the place, but something about it just didn’t suit you. The studio had paid for an incredible apartment for you and it was beautiful but big and echoey, and you rattled around in it on your own. The days were long, and by the time you’d navigated the evening traffic, you got home late at night and had little time of your own. It was a blessing at first, because it kept you occupied enough to be able to forget Ben some of the time. When the thought of him drifted into your head, sitting curled up with Frankie on the sofa and you were hit with a sickening desire to sit down next to him and rest your head on his shoulder, you always had something to concentrate on that would take your mind off it. But after a while those thoughts became more frequent and you resented having to bat them away. What you really wanted was to wallow in them for a while; you wanted to feel the pain and the loss and the heartbreak, to grieve for the life you had lost. You wanted to think about Ben and cry uncontrollably, and wish he was still yours. You needed to process it, and then maybe you could start moving on. That being said, the thought of moving on terrified you, but you were tired of living like a shell of your former self.

It would have been okay if the job was better, if it felt worth it. You wanted so desperately to be vindicated in your choice to go but the work was kind of soul destroying. You were sure the actors were all lovely people, but the production was so big that you had barely spoken to them. You knew you’d been extraordinarily lucky with BoRhap, to have bonded the way you did, but you were still surprised with how little interest the cast took in you — you were effectively a glorified coffee girl. And because your job was mainly with the actors, you didn’t spend all that much time with the other crew members and didn’t bond with them either. Basically, you just felt horrifically lonely, which only reminded you how much you missed Ben.

A few weeks in you started to bond a little with some of the other girls in the crew. They were all junior, with you the most senior of the group, so it felt pretty safe. They were interested to hear about BoRhap, and what it had been like working with Rami and the boys. They seemed so starstruck just hearing you talk about him, you forgot that he was famous; to you he was just a wonderful friend.

“You know, I think he’s gonna win the Oscar,” said Tracy, a very sweet midwestern girl who always seemed like she was just excited to be alive.

“He definitely should, whether he will is another question,” Janie reasoned. She was a little older, and had the most experience but had never wanted to be anything more than a runner — she loved it, and her husband was some big-shot businessman so she didn’t need to worry about the peanuts she got paid.

“Do you reckon you’ll get to go?” asked Laura, an Irish girl and the youngest of the group.

You shook your head a little dejectedly, “No, probably not. I don’t see why they’d invite me.”

“That’s such a bummer! It sounds like you were really close with the guys,” Tracy said, genuinely put out for you.

“I still am. Well, mostly.” The thought of Ben left a bitter taste on your tongue. You hadn’t spoken to him since you got to the States.

Laura leaned in, “That sounds ominous. Go on.”

You sighed, “It’s not that dramatic really, I was dating one of them.”

“Not that dramatic?! That’s huge!” Laura shrieked.

Janie grinned, “Which one?”

“Ben,” you said slowly, tasting the word on your tongue again. It had been so long since you’d said his name out loud. “Ben Hardy, he played the drummer.”

“Oh my god he’s so gorgeous.” You could practically see the hearts in Tracy’s eyes and you chuckled.

“Wait, what do you mean, was?” Janie frowned.

“Be broke up, a few weeks ago actually, when I came to the States. I’m here for three years, we couldn’t commit to a long-distance relationship for that long.”

“Yikes, that sucks.”

Laura asked, “Was it not that serious then?”

“No, I think it was. We loved each other. But we’d done long distance before while I was doing a job, and it sucked. We hated being apart for so long and that was only a few months. I thought it was better just to get a clean break.”

“Ouch, I’m sorry gal.”

“Yeah, it’s rough but I think it’s for the best.” I think.

“You still love him, don’t you?” Janie queried gently.

You nodded, and then coughed, trying to dislodge the lump in your throat.

“Babe, you need to get over him!” Tracy laughed, quickly diffusing the solemn tension that clung to you.

“Ha, easier said than done,” you deadpanned.

“Nah, you just need to get under someone else.”

They set you up with one of Tracy’s friends in the city. The thought of going on a date with anyone other than Ben was a little nauseating, but before you really had a chance to say no it had all been arranged. Anyway, you thought you might as well — at least you could pass the evening with another human being. You never knew, it might be fun. What was there to lose?

You sat on your sofa waiting for your date to knock on the door, trying not to think back to the last time you’d been on a first date. Sure, it had been a little awkward with Ben at first, but it turned into a wonderful evening. But god, if it was awkward with Ben — a guy you knew well, fancied a ridiculous amount, and had already kissed — what kind of hell would it be with a man you didn’t know.

It won’t be that bad, just keep an open mind.

You reminded yourself of what Sav had said when you talked to her about it: there’s no pressure, it’s just a bit of fun.

The knock came at the door. He was a few minutes early. You took a deep breath, smoothed down your hair, and went to open it.

“Hi, you must be Y/N. Good to meet you, I’m Daniel.”

You were a little taken aback, but you smiled. He was better looking than the picture Tracy showed you had suggested. Tall, well dressed in a light blue button up and a jacket, with chocolately brown hair and eyes to match, adorned with flecks of hazel. His features were angular, a little sharp, but he had a kind look about him. You were suitably satisfied.

“Nice to meet you Daniel,” you smiled, hoping your face didn’t betray the internal struggle going on in your head over whether to shake his hand or go in for a hug. He solved that debate though by leaning in and placing a kiss on each cheek.

“That’s the European way, right? Two kisses? I wasn’t sure if it was three,” he joked, brimming with confidence.

“Three is French, we do two in England,” you playfully explained, pulling the door closed behind you. “You’ve clearly done your research.”

He grinned, “I wanted to make a good impression."

He took you out for dinner — classic, easy, not too much chance of something going disastrously wrong — to a Michelin starred restaurant. It was lovely, very upmarket, if a little soulless. You would have preferred somewhere a bit more artisan, somewhere with character and an interesting story behind it, but you weren’t complaining. The food was gorgeous and the company was good. Daniel was funny, he made you laugh often, and was a good conversationalist. Every time you feared you might be running out of things to say he asked you another interesting question to keep you on your toes.

It was fun, but it felt rather like meeting up with a friend. You were missing that elusive spark that people always talk about. But you weren’t going to dismiss him because of that, it wouldn’t always happen straight away. Just because it happened with Ben, didn’t mean it would be the same with the next guy.

Stop thinking about Ben.

“So, let me ask you, Y/N,” Daniel paused to take a sip of his wine, “How’s a beautiful woman like you still single?”

“What’s wrong with being single?” you simpered, mimicking his action and eying him over the rim of your glass.

“Nothing at all! I’m just surprised that no one’s snapped you up yet.”

“If someone’s interested in me doesn’t mean they just get to date me, I have to like them too,” you said as you cocked your eyebrow.

“Hm, yeah but you must get the cream of the crop after you. No one’s take your fancy yet?”

You pushed your mouth into a small smile and said, “I’ve only been in LA for a little over a month.”

“That’s plenty of time.”

For fuck’s sake, why is he pushing this so much? Maybe he could sense your reticence and that had piqued his interest. Maybe he wanted to be sure there was nothing wrong with you. Maybe he was just digging for your baggage.

Well he’s going to fucking get it then.

“I actually broke up with my boyfriend just before I came, so I’m keen not to rush into anything.”

You didn’t tell him how much you loved Ben, still, or that you hadn’t actually wanted to break up with him at all, or that you were still completely heartbroken about it. All Daniel needed to know was that you didn’t want a relationship with him. That this evening would lead to something else.

He nodded slowly and the look he gave you made clear that he understood you perfectly.

It was a perfectly enjoyable evening but by the end you were both very much aware that it wasn’t going anywhere. But still, he wouldn’t allow you to split the bill despite your insistence. He told it was ‘his treat’ and you understood fully that he was inviting you to reward him for his generosity. You ran your tongue over your lip. You didn’t owe him a thing, but you surveyed him none the less. He was a good-looking guy, you enjoyed his company, so when he offered to walk you home you allowed it. And when leaned in to kiss you at your front door, you let him. His lips were smaller than Ben’s, his mouth somehow more intrusive. It felt strange, wrong somehow. But you couldn’t allow yourself to think that Ben was the only man who could kiss you right, so you cast the thought from your mind and let your hands trail up to his neck. He took the opportunity to deepen the kiss and slipped his hands onto your hips. His touch was light, tentative, and you craved the intensity that you used to feel with Ben. One touch of his hand, gripping your hip with strong fingers, veins protruding deliciously, and you’d quiver beneath him. Daniel was... soft. Not in a bad way necessarily, you were sure some people loved that — you loved it when Ben was gentle with you. He’d caress your skin sometimes, leaving tender kisses all over your body; it made you shiver. You sighed at the memory, but felt Daniel smirk into your mouth, thinking it was him.

Stop thinking about Ben, you admonished.

You pulled away and looked at the man before you. His mouth was pulled into a small smile, leaning into you hopefully. He definitely wanted this. With a distinct tendency towards oh fuck it, you asked, “Would you like to come in?”

He grinned and followed you inside.

You didn’t even offer him a drink; you both knew what was happening. His mouth was on you again, kissing your neck, hands roaming. Green eyes, deep and rich with desire, flashed through your mind. You batted them away but were still surprised to see brown irises staring back at you when you opened your eyes. You swallowed hard, your mouth suddenly arid.

“Shall we take this upstairs?” he hinted, his voice suddenly dropping an octave in an exaggeratedly sultry tone. He was clearly trying to be sexy but you had to bite your lip to stop yourself laughing, hoping you could pass it off as coy.

You nodded and lead him upstairs. He ripped his shirt off and began to make his way towards you. His hands quickly found your hips, then your bum, and he was behind you, reaching round to unbutton your jeans. His breath was hot on your neck, fanning you uncomfortably. You usually loved when you could feel Ben’s breath on your skin, making you tingle with anticipation; it meant his mouth was close.

Ben.

You almost moaned his name. Your whole body went tense and Daniel felt it instantly. His hands froze, fingers tucked slightly beneath your shirt, grazing your stomach. You fought the urge to slap them away.

I don’t want this.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I don’t want this.”

“Oh,” he faltered, clumsily retracting himself from you. “I’m sorry, I thought you did.”

The guilt tugged at you instantly, but you just didn’t want to sleep with him. You wanted Ben, and some other guy, no matter how attractive or charming, wasn’t going to change that. You ached for him in your soul, the kind of ache that a quick shag wouldn’t soothe.

“So did I, but I changed my mind. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lead you on.”

He was kind about it, he didn’t try to push you, despite the disappointment that was evident on his face. You offered him a drink, which he refused, and said he should get home. Your life became quiet again when he left. It was late, you needed to be up for work in a matter of hours, but your mind was reeling and your heart was racing. You made a cuppa and thought of Ben; the curve of his jaw, the crease of his mouth when he laughed, the glint in his eye when he was up to mischief. You thought of the way he made you smile just with a touch, and the way he always managed to calm you when you were stressed, talking you down or stroking your hair. The more you thought of him, the more you spiralled, crying softly into a pillow. You coughed and spluttered and agonised. You were desperate to call him, to hear his voice.

You cracked, clutching at your phone. Your fingers shook as much as your breathing as you called him, still the first number in your favourites.

“Y/N?”

Relief flooded you, instantly abating the tension in your muscles, soothing you. You released a shaky breath you hadn’t realised you’d been holding.

“Hey Ben,” you whispered, barely able to keep your voice steady.

Ben instantly recognised that you’d been crying and dropped his voice to a gentle, warming tone. “What’s happened, love? Are you okay?”

You sniffed, “I’m fine, I just... I just miss you.”

You could practically hear him running a hand through his hair and you internally groaned, thinking about when you used to lose your fingers in those golden locks.

He sighed, distant through the phone line but in another way too, “I miss you too.”

“I wish you were here, holding me.” You didn’t bother trying to disguise the weakness in your voice or the bubble in your throat.

“I know, baby. It’s okay,” he purred as your crying intensified. “I’m here.”

“No you’re not.”

He fell silent. You knew it wasn’t fair of you to do this to him, you were the one who left.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled. “I shouldn’t have called you.”

“It’s okay, don’t—don’t hang up.”

He sounded so desperate it cracked your heart open and spilled the contents into your lap. You felt like you were going to be sick.

“H-how are you? How’s the job going?”

You couldn’t bring yourself to tell him that it was increasingly feeling like a huge mistake. “It’s okay. Taking a bit to settle in, it’s very different from what I’ve done before.”

“Are you happy?”

Then came your turn to bite your tongue. You ventured, “I’m fine.”

It stung, lying to him, especially when he could see right through you.

You chit chatted for a bit, telling him about the girls you had begun to make friends with, and he in turn relayed some of his training to you for his new film - you warmed at the thought of him learning parkour, picturing the frown between his eyes as he tried a move again and again until he got it right. You seemed to settle, nuzzling into the cushions and wrapping yourself in a blanket to feel some semblance of his embrace. It barely held a candle to him but with his gentle voice in your ear like the ocean waves on a dusky shore, you could make yourself believe he was with you.

“Uh, I think I should go,” he said far too soon.

“Right, sure.”

“Just... look after yourself, Y/N, okay?”

You hummed a yes.

“Promise me?” he said, his tone taking on a greater gravity.

“I promise, Benny.”

At work the next day you could tell the girls were disappointed that you didn’t have a juicy story to tell them about the previous night’s antics, and all relationship talk went conspicuously quiet after that. You plodded along in your work, without the motivation to go above and beyond for those around you. You felt yourself getting complacent, and resented all the effort you put in that went unnoticed. You hated that the director still didn’t know your name, you hated that the cast hadn’t bothered to say more than two words to you. You hated the eternal sunshine that mocked your misery, and the dumb supermarkets with thousands of kinds of health foods and none of your favourite comfort foods. You hated how lonely you felt, and hated thinking about everything you’d given up to be where you were.

“Well, you could come home darling?”

“I signed a contract, Savvy. Anyway, I can’t just come crawling back.”

“Jesus Christ Y/N, I know you’re stubborn but this is next level. I am not going to let you make yourself miserable for three years just because you’re too damn proud to admit you made a mistake.”

You felt small, meek, “I have a job to do, I can’t let everyone down.”

“By the sounds of it they can manage perfectly well without you.”

“Um, ow?”

“Well, they clearly aren’t valuing you the way they should, so as far as I’m concerned, they let you down.” She sighed, clearly worried she had been too hard on you. “You don’t owe them anything love. This is your life.”

“I just... I’m scared.”

Sav’s voice went soft, soft like the soothing tones of a mother. “Of what, babe?”

“I’m scared that Ben will be mad, or resent me for leaving. I’m scared that it’s too late and I’ve already lost the life I had.”

“It’s not too late. I bet he’s miserable without you.”

“God,” you scoffed, “You make it sound like we’re 15.”

She mumbled, “Well if you didn’t act so damn childish about it—”

“Anyway, I went for a reason, you know that. I promised myself I would put my career first!”

“And you did! You tried, you didn’t like it. There’s no shame in that. Now you know and you can come home without regrets. I will not allow you to throw three years of your life away — and the love of your life, for that matter.”

You ventured, voice weak, “What if he’s not?”

“What?”

“What if he’s not the love of my life. What if I go back to him and it falls apart, and I abandoned this job for nothing?”

“How are you even worried about that? Y/N, it’s obvious how much you adore him.”

“Well I thought I adored Matteo and look how that turned out.”

“This is different, Y/N, and you know it.”

“I was infatuated with Matteo-”

“Exactly!” she interrupted, “You were infatuated, it was a glorified crush.”

Ouch. That bit to the bone. “My job won’t up and leave me one day.”

“Nor will Ben! For fuck’s sake, have some faith in him. You love each other.”

You knew she was right — of course you did — but there was a gnawing in your gut that made you falter. Some residue of fear laced you like poison; your head told you to stick to your principles even while your heart bled for Ben. Usually you trusted your gut, which is why you were hesitant: something in the pit of your stomach told you that it wouldn’t be as easy as running right back into his arms.

“I promised myself I’d never choose a man over the job.” It was a weak excuse but you made it all the same, the last hurdle you needed Sav to help you overcome before you booked yourself a one-way flight back to London.

“Darling, it’s not about choosing between a man and the job, it’s this man. It’s Ben. You can’t throw that away.”

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[sweetpxsin]

Ong Seongwoo : Bestfriends to Lovers

•Honestly you had no idea how this friendship happened

•Both of you were just young little saps probably around the age of 5

•You were shy yet still playful while Seongwoo was super friendly and super energetic *inserts winking face*

•Alright anyway you were just minding your own business coloring with your crayons when he came up to you

•He literally sat down in front of you and said these exact words

•”You look lonely, wanna be bestfriends.”

•He didn’t even give you a second to reply before smiling and saying “great!”

•Thus started the beautiful or hectic whatever you prefer friendship

•Like honestly Seongwoo wouldn’t let you color ever again unless he was tired

•Only then he would lay on his back or sit and watch you color or draw, but expect him to be talking to you nonstop

•You were still a little quiet shy but grew to understand that he was going to be your best friend whether you like it or not

•It didn’t bother you too much though. Since you were shy it was nice to have a friend that could make you laugh till your tummy hurt and manage to make you smile when you were upset

•When middle school came around Seongwoo had started showing an interest in dance and made another friend named Kang Daniel

•And thus came the power trio ongniel(insertname)

•But you were still number one in Seongwoo’s and he still managed to make you top priority because you were his bestie since basically forever

•If you were uncomfortable he would try to lighten the atmosphere and take away the  discomfort

•if you had a bad day he would try to find a way to make you smile again

•if you were being honest it was probably those things that made you fall for Seongwoo

•But you didn’t take it too seriously because you both were young and honestly who takes young love seriously

•y’all both were 4th graders

•You were right anyways your feelings for Seongwoo dwindled and you went back to loving him as a brother

•Anywayssss all three of you went to same high school and since all of you were so close it was only natural your classmates had ended up shipping one of you with another

•It would have annoyed all three of you if it hadn’t been for Ong making fun of the ships

•Especially when he would act out the over exaggerated things people would say one of you guys had supposedly done with each other

•Like once Ong had caught you because you tripped and later that day he overheard some girls over exaggerating what had happened so he acted it out for both of you like the girls had said it happen and it ended up with you guys being in a laughing fit

•That was probably the only time you guys had actually cared about said ships

•Other than that you guys were just best friends that were as close as siblings

•You went to Ong and Daniel’s dance club to cheer them on and they’d always encourage you on the hobbies you had picked up

•But remember that crush you had one Ong in like 4th grade

•Yeah honey it’s back to bite you in the butt

•It had started when you actually gave your own divided attention to Ong when he showed you some of his freestyle, like he went out of his way to make sure you were the one to see it first

•Because he had made it clear you were the first one to only see it, you lowkey kinda felt special because he didn’t show Daniel and you like usual

•It didn’t stop there though

•You started to like how Ong would brush his hand against yours before holding it/playing with it and how he would still make it his duty to make sure you smiled and laughed no matter how bad your day was

•Daniel caught on and instantly started teasing you about it ending up with you hitting him while he just laughed his ass off

•The interaction you shared together didn’t go unnoticed by Ong and he got a little jealous and would often walk head of the both of you instead of at the left of you

•Ong had managed to develop feelings for you but was pretty decent at hiding it along with his jealousy

•But hiding his jealous was slowly getting more difficult because girls were shipping you with Daniel more and more, which is a straight no no in Seongwoo’s book

•The last straw though was when he was about to call you to tell you about his feelings but he had caught Daniel pulling you off to the side

•Out of curiosity he peeked a bit to see what was going on

•He felt crushed when he saw you blushing like mad while Daniel was smiling like a happy child

•Ong thought that the only logical reason for both of your reaction was because Daniel had confessed to you

•He wouldn’t have really minded to be honest but when you guys acted like nothing happened he was slightly annoyed and instead of confronting you he straight up became petty ong

•Once he saw you in study hall you had called him and he ended up throwing his sweater in your face

•”Yah!” Ong looked back at you and shrugged saying he meant to throw it on his desk before walking off to talk to his other guy and girls friends.

•You brushed it off and tried to do your work but failed miserably

•Ong was talking a little too loud and the girls with him were laughing louder than usual

•Not only that but whenever you dared glance in his direction he’d have his arm over one of them

• In the end when study hall ended you walked to Daniel’s class room and waited for him with your arms crossed

•Ong noticed and his heart  break a little seeing you with your lips pursed a little as you waited for Daniel

•He wanted you to look slightly impatient as you waited for him outside of his class

•It made him even more jealous for when he had caught you hit him lightly, complaining about how he took to long before your pout was replaced with a smile

•He tore his eyes away from you and headed to lunch and decided to sit with the same girls because he couldn’t stand seeing you with Daniel                                                                                                                  

•At lunch you noticed Ong’s lack of presence and quickly searched the cafeteria for him to see if he was lingering anywhere

•You saw him sitting with the same girls he was talking to in study hall and placed your head on the table having lost your appetite

•The whole time during lunch Daniel ended up comforting you while occasionally handing you pieces of food since he didn’t want you to get hungry

•In all honesty Daniel felt like a relationship counselor and which both of you weren’t so dense, he could tell both you liked each other rip  

•”Why don’t you just tell him how you feel after school?”

•”Are you nuts he’s been avoiding me”

•”Give it a try I can smell a petty Ong a mile away”

•Sooooo after your two last periods you decide to that you’d go with Daniel’s suggestion and waited at the front doors  since you were always the first to wait

•Once you saw Ong you quickly pulled him to the side no questions asked and dragged him to a less populated area

•”can we talk?”

•”about what?”

•Just with how indifferent his tone sounded had managed to knock your confidence at it’s very low

•”Ong we’ve know each other since we were little and I never thought I would ever be at this moment in my life where facing you is so difficult.  Your smile makings my knees go weak, your laugh can warm up any room, you made me feel special when I thought no one would ever like me...”

•You guys met his and you swallowed dryly

•”Shouldn’t you be saying this to Daniel.”

•”W-what?”

•”It’s alright I saw what happened in school today I’m over it.”

•”What are you talking about?”

•”You know what I’m talking about! Daniel confessed to you finally didn’t he!?”

•You were shocked because Ong had never raised his voice at you and because Daniel never confessed to you

•”You’re making this hard for me (y/n). Daniel beat me to asking you out. He told you I liked you too, right? You don’t have to make me feel special just so you can put ease on your own heart.”

•You suddenly thought that Ong had caught Daniel pulling you off the side to have a private talk with you

•”Ong..,, Daniel never asked me out he pulled me… He pulled me to the side because he was trying to give me advice on how I should… You know confess to a certain dummy I like.”

•You had to bite back the smile that was creeping on your lips as Ong’s eyes widened slightly

•”Right… I knew that.”

•You couldn’t help but laugh at his sudden shyness it was just the cutest thing ever

•”Soo…I was wonder if you liked me back…”

•”No I just said all that to be nice I like Daniel oppa better.”

•He rolled his eyes and pulled you into a tight hug

•”Liar, Ong oppa makes your knees weak with his smile, and warms up a room with his laugh and makes you feel special when you no one less can~”

•You hummed in agreement and placed your head against his chest tightening your grip on the hug a little

•”I’m sorry for accusing you earlier.. It’s just that I really like you and I didn’t like it when others would ship you two  together. I wanted you as mine.”

•”Your such a dummy.”

•”But I’m your dummy

•With a smile Ong cupped your face before pulling you into kiss.

•Oh and dating Ong Seongwoo would mean you guys are the most extra couple in the school

•Like literally on valentine's day he bought you a huge teddy bear that was taller than him and said “Here for when you mess me but I can’t come over”

•You guys would be that one couple that wears matching outfits for the lolz of it

•But Ong would also love to shower you  in kisses and hugs and of course make sure  you laugh everyday because of him

•Over all dating him would be the cutest and funniest thing ever.

[chaoticpolicecollective]

On touring Europe, making a new show each time, and learning their craft all the time. check the body language, how Dean touches J (her breast, knees, how they’re sitting).

JT: CHris is the more creative one with with a show in their own style

I would be scared to try anything new because I was afraid of hurting him.

CD: we had the blade though the hand, we had the blade through the head

4:40 on the question of the relationship off the ice CD says taking JT’s hand: we were going to make the announcement tonight but just before the programme we had a steaming row so we decided to put it off. <Audience laughs>

6:30 TW : how many more years can you go on?

7:17 song, TW: It’s a number one in Albania. Is that what you’re going ot do now?

JT <seriously>: This was his therapy after the car crash, he was very very bored, and he felt that the only thing he could do was to sing, and that’s what we did.

(Accident in ‘Dancing on ice”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKK6c_hd9Y8 )

10:12 CD: we wont take part in the olympics because everything we do in the routine is illegal

In dance you can’t touch this part of the body, you can’t spin, you can’t do this sort of lift. IT’s stricter, more contained, it’s ice dancing. And since then we’ve gone on to hold all those bits, and do all those buts and we enjoy doing it and we don’t want to let it go of it.

Interview 1995 (with Chris being late https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PIyV1xCyKs

They’ve written a book

Host: Chris is stuck in traffic. Mind you I think you’ll be able to dine out on that

JT: I am. I’m having such a hard time. He’s always the one who’s exactly on time: saying ‘you won’t be late, you won’t be late’. If anything it’s me who’s a little bit late’

When we received the MBE he actually told me the wrong time so that I could get the earlier, so i’d be actually on time.

H: Tell him to get his skates on.

1.13 - About the book:

H: It’s a wonderful insight to .. How does it feel that, you know(raises the book) here’s my life, up till now.

JT: we often thought that, you know, this is it, we had to pout it down in writing, we tried ot be as acutrate with everyting, trying ot be as open...because you know this is an account of our lives to date. WE wanted to take time. It actually took as about a year to when we started talking about it. And w e had written a book previously but it was up until 84, and it felt like we’ve done an awful lot since then as professionals and we also wanted to talk about ourselves as people. Eveeyrone is always asking about our relationship, how that works and how we spend so much time together, what’s it like, is it like brother and sisiter or like a marriage (face). It was hard, we dont really know but we tried to speak about iti n the book to see if people can understand that a little bit more.

h: I mean the speculation about that was unbelievable at one time. You laugh about that now?

JT: Yes, at the time it was very frightening and overwhelming, we didnt understand why peopel wanted to know that, information about our private lives and we thought that people will be interested in the actual skating. At the time it was frightening but we learnt to handle it. IT woudl be like:

H: it’s this crossover between sport and show business at the end of the day.

about the book - to everyone who want to knwo truth not hte mysths.

3.30 - Chris arrives (body language)

CD: THe traffic is against us this mornign.

JT: Anyway, I’m doing fine, I’m ding fine (she sits on him to cover him up)

skating , roller blading, skiing, worried abut breaking anything

5.02 H: 1994 Winte Olympics, you put yourselves through it, you put us all thorugh it, I think the viewing fugures were as high as the royal wedding or somethign like that. HAve you ever thought, why, why are we doing this, why are we putting ourselves through this

JT: Well, I think when we stepped on for te final performance, that moment of waiting, the tension is awful

Going on competitions gives usa chance to choreograph something new. It’s nice to work on new pieces.

Late Late Show 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPkBMuXUUu4

2.00 H: I noticed you’ll be perfroming in Dublin on Friday 13th, Are you peolpe  s....

CD: It’s Jayne’s choice, she likes numbers like that

JT: I like 13. Like they say ‘unlucky for some’ so..I consider it lucky myself

Yo Yo MA: celoist: Bach Cello Suite #5: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF5oY-_AT3s

Allemande: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF5oY-_AT3sy

Bach wanted to meet Handel. Here’s T&D choreography to Bach.

Labour of love, not for competition, for the beauty of the movement:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF5oY-_AT3sy

BBC - Face The Music - The Return of Torville and Dean: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF5oY-_AT3sy

Streets named after them, and Bolero Close

Honour Degrees from Nottingham University

1.15 - CD (saying a joke): What’s the definition of the intellectual’? Someone who can hear the William Tel Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. Well let’s try this one shall we (hums Bolero)

1.35 Since then anxious questions have been prompted by (the art): surely this isnt sport. Is that art? HOw can they re-enter the Olympics.

1.48 Enter the olympics in Norway next year (1994). Their return was made possible due to the change of rules about the competing styles

2.50 They hired the ice rink (in Milton Keyns) for 4 hour a day 6 days a week to work on the stepr for Rumba and their 3 min free dance on which their comback will be judged.

3.20 CD: Each day w’d work on a section and the next day we’d double it ...then break it up again

5.00 (comments during perfecting a move)

5:35 JT: ‘We’ve used the video in the past quite a bit but we probably never used it this early on

9:03 - JT: He’s very forceful, very dominant, and if i was the same character we’d have too many clashes. But in a partnership you need somebody to be the driving force.

CD: And i think it’s part of what i do, i keep pushing. ANd ok, if i see a mistake or feel the mistake umm and if it is Jaynes Mistake, i’ll tell her. And if it’s mine I’ll tell her that she’s made a mistake too. (laughs)

JT: I’m pretty sort of easy going person, I’m very, usually placid and I need someone to fire me up, to get me going sometimes and he’s always liked it

10.45 JT: Of course I have a different rapport with Phil, my husband, when oyu meet someone you fall in love with .. there’s a magic element that attracts you to each other (Phil is a soudn engeneer from CHicago ,working with Genesis, JT tripps over the leaves - ‘I thought you’re supposed to be well coordinated’)

CD: about being in love with Jill (partner) and previous marriage break up (both ice skaters)Will you get married

11:45 CD: We knew it wouldnt work to work and be partners in live

14:52 Reneissance of dancing put back into skating (hence ‘Face The Music and Dance’)

15.00 - COMMERCIAL ASPECT: Agent / costs/ making 1 million punds if they do win, merchanduse, endorsements,very marketable comodities, they need to come back to hog the headlines

19:45 About wearing lycra and friend disapproval. You can get away with wearing anythign these days 20:30 about measuring the costume for Chris

21:10 It’s about steps and what our bodies are doing, they’re not so twisted.. its about the firs time a man to hold of a woman and started dancing wiht her instead on hi own.

22:00 Costumes from Jayne. You need to have 3 outfits. 1 for practices in character, looking like oyu could wear it. One you’re there you’re on display, on the first day of practice you need to show the judges, have all the bits right. Have flattering shape of the costume and the less material - the colder it is

22:50 - 2 ment (Chris & Trainer) talk about Jayne’s expression - storng but where did the coyness go. (and later) I love her expression when she does it. Her eyes are so big.

23:30 (during practicing) JT: Too Fast Too Fast.

CD: Don’t resist me one I started

24:!7 it’s about the presentation now: ‘it’s awkward. When I see Jayne’s arm is so stiff, looks very static to me

25:00 talking about Jayne’s impressions and directing her - how she should behave/ perform aka similar to when M instructs Nicholas in the performance.

25: 58 CD: ‘there’s a girl her who wasn’t born when we won our first championship.

JT: Really? Oh Dear.

26:25 JD: We’re really hapy wit hteh draw we got because alle the skater are doing the same pattern in the compulsory dance. It get’s like tram lines out there. Whereas the ice looks smooth to the person watching, to the person skating, it’s like getting caught on lines and other peopel’s edges - you can catch them and get into the groove and it can really throw you off balance27:20 PRACTICE/ talking about the movements, drawing the movement trajectory with a finger in the air - MOVEMENT 28:15 They create the intensity and electricity between them (29:10 Chris’ partner: Jayne is calm and Chris is nervous. That’s how it works. Because I’m in love with Chris I can tell by looking in his eyes whether the smile is forced or genuine 29:50 Applying make up, helping each other with it, trying to stay calm 32:40 MOVEMENT - Post Performance ritual