#i keep trying to stay positive and focus on the ppl around me and making plans w them

[graevs666]

i feel so ugly

[jkstompers]

passing notes | jjk

pairing: jeon jungkook x female reader

summary: a year of crushing and jungkook’s finally asked you out on a proper date. 

genre: classmates to lovers??!, established friendship, they go on a date <3, jk is so stressed out, !fancy restaurant warning!, jk is A GENTLEMAN!! but wbk, oc is a nerd but is BOLD AF!!

warnings: mature!! (18+!!), SMUT,...they make out, LOTS of built up tension is let out tonite!, fingering, praise kink, handjob, backseat action, semi-public sex?? very strong language, jk overuses the nickname ‘baby’

word count: 9k

author’s note: pt. 3 of seatmate!jk. WE’VE GOT SOME FILTH TODAY PPL!!!!!!! this is my first time releasing a piece of writing that has smut in it so pls!! let me know what u think!!! i’m open to criticism but i cry easily so… pls pls be nice (Ｔ▽Ｔ) LMAO!! i also completely made up the program for ocean scientists that oc talks about LMAO i just needed her to ramble for a bit hahahah

additional note: also pls imagine jungkook looking like this in class and then wearing this for their date. also if ur curious, this is what i imagined oc’s dress to look like :)

okay enjoy!! thank u ( ˘ ³˘)

it was the end of the semester and of course, the only time jungkook would be running late to class was when he was finally going to ask you out on a date. so far, everything seems to be going against the idea. his alarm didn’t go off on time, the shower took way too long to warm up, and his car was low on gas. now he’s speed walking, almost running, to lecture to make sure that his seat next to you isn’t taken. 

he wants to make sure this goes perfectly. he spent the past two weeks stressing over the plans. asking for recommendations for nice restaurants in the city in almost every group chat he was in. his friend (the one with parents as ceo’s, eunwoo), helped him and got him a reservation at this one five star restaurant that jungkook’s never been to. eunwoo told him that it was the prettiest place he’s ever been to, said it would be perfect for a first date. 

jungkook specifically remembers you telling him that you’ve never gone on an actual dinner date. ice cream dates, movie theater dates, and amusement park dates were what you were used to. there was nothing wrong with that, it’s just that you’ve never experienced a candlelit dinner at a restaurant, that’s it. jungkook just wanted to be the first one to experience it with you. 

so when his morning starts off this shitty, he wonders if his plans are falling apart. he tries to keep a good, positive mindset, but he’s already so nervous and the universe seems to be telling him: don’t do it, she’ll reject you, you’re gonna look stupid in front of her. 

meanwhile, you’re early this lecture. it was the last class of the semester and you were hoping that you could get a nice conversation with jungkook in before it started. the two of you have gotten a lot closer since you last hung out. the chain of events starting with you apologizing for being so embarrassing, 

[12:44 pm] you: jungkook!!! oh my god i am so sorry for last night 😭

[12:45 pm] you: i don’t take alcohol very well 😖

[12:50 pm] jungkook: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[12:50 pm] jungkook: no need to apologize! are u feeling sick? hungover? 

[12:52 pm] you: omg no not really

[12:52 pm] you: ur a great drinking buddy, i owe u one 🥺

[12:53 pm] jungkook: it’s alright cutie

[12:54 pm] jungkook: just happy ur feeling okay :) 

[12:56 pm] you: let me make it up to u 😭 i’ll buy us lunch one of these days? 

[12:57 pm] jungkook: ah no can do cutie 

[12:57 pm] jungkook: have to buy u dinner first 

the thought of the conversation makes you smile. that one conversation starting the domino effect of the two of you talking almost everyday for the past two weeks. you couldn’t help but expect jungkook to at least be here, but if he didn’t wanna come, then he didn’t have to. 

you sat in your seat, patiently waiting for the one next to you to be filled by him. the hall was starting to fill now and class was about to start. you look around one last time to see that jungkook is still nowhere to be seen, and that a familiar brown-haired guy was beginning to walk up to you. 

“hello, ___! is this seat taken?” taehyung smiles brightly, you look down at the seat next to you. your bag saving the spot for jungkook. maybe he skipped this lecture, since it was practically for nothing anyway, you’ve already taken the final and there was no other material to learn, it was more so to wrap things up and see if anyone still needed to understand something. 

your brain comes to a conclusion. you remove your bag and say, “no, go ahead,” to taehyung with a small smile on your face, one that hides the disappointment riddling your mind. 

it’s about five minutes after the professor starts talking when jungkook finally walks in. he looks up to try and find you as he walks up the steps of the auditorium. his eyes land on you and taehyung, chatting amongst yourselves. he can’t help but feel a slight twinge of jealousy, that’s his seat. even though there were no assigned seats, the place next to you was always his, that’s just how it was, and seeing someone else sitting there, especially taehyung, makes jungkook’s green monster pop out. 

you feel a presence step behind you while you were talking to taehyung, and before you know it, jungkook is sitting in the seat next to taehyung. “oh! good morning, jungkook!” you’re smiling to him. he doesn’t grant you one of his regular vocal responses, rather he gives you a tight-lipped grin before he leans back into his chair and focuses on whatever the professor was saying. 

maybe he was jealous. witnessing you and taehyung having a wonderful conversation, one that makes you smile and laugh like he does. you didn’t even notice him when he came up the stairs, only greeting him when he sat down. no, he was definitely jealous. 

you’re stealing glances his way, pretending to be interested in whatever taehyung is talking about. he’s wearing the most boyfriend-est outfit in the world. a white long sleeve with grey sweatpants, his long hair tied up in a ponytail. you’re unconsciously biting your lip as you stare at him, he’s just so cool. he’s not even doing much other than looking straight forward. but this angle lets you see his sharp jawline and his side profile perfectly. 

you felt bad, one hundred percent. you should have told taehyung that the seat was taken, because now he was talking your ear off and you didn’t mind it, but you wanted someone else to be talking your ear off and it was the guy sitting next to him. 

when taehyung changes his focus to your professor talking about a summer he had in paris. you steal another glance at jungkook. you catch him staring at you, your eyes meet. he doesn’t keep the connection, cutting it off by moving his head and looking straight ahead. his jaw clenches, arms coming over and across his chest. he seems angry, you pick up on the energy now. an idea pops in your head to try and make him feel better. reaching into your bag to find one of your index cards, writing a message on it. 

feeling okay? 

you scoot your chair back a bit, pretending to stretch as you tap jungkook’s shoulder. he turns his head to you, eyebrows raised. you hand him the paper. he stares at first, eyes flickering between you and the paper. reluctantly, he takes it, unfolding his crossed arms to receive the note. you scoot back into your seat and lean into the table, lowering your chin onto the desk. 

jungkook tries to hide his smile as he reads your little note. how could he ever stay mad at you? it wasn’t your fault he was late. so he replies, his black ink has a stark contrast against your green highlighter. he can already feel his bad mood brightening. 

yeah, didn’t save me a seat? :( 

this time he folds the note, handing it to taehyung and telling him to pass it to you. “really? you’re passing notes? we’re in college, jeon.” taehyung snickers as he slides the paper towards you. 

you let a small laugh, reading the note. taehyung’s scolding continues as you write your response on the index card. you changed your green highlighter out with a blue pen. 

i came super early :( waited 20 mins for u </3 but i didn’t think u were coming so i let taehyung sit here 

you send it back and watch jungkook’s somewhat straight face contort into a smile. there it is, the smile that you know and love. 

jungkook on the other hand could cry. you came early. you waited for him. god, had he royally fucked this up. he makes his mind up now. 

i’m sorry :( let me make it up to u? can i take you out on a date tonight? 

check: ◯  yes ◯ no 

jungkook keeps the paper for a good minute, reading the note over and over again, thinking about how childish this way of asking is. but at the same time, jungkook knows that if he talks to you about it after class, he’ll gloss over the words and never ask you. letting the reservation and plans he made weeks ago render themselves useless. it was now or never. 

so he fully sends it, tapping your shoulder and giving it to you directly. you open the note and scan the words, sending him the sweetest look he’s ever received in his life. he thinks that would be a yes. he hopes. you write something onto the card and pass it back to him, your hand grazing his for a second. 

⚫ yes :) ♡ ◯ no 

the rest of the class passes pretty quickly. not that you were paying any attention. jungkook had emailed you a link to a game that the two of you could play, a weird version of snakes. jungkook kept cheating, you swore it, but in all honesty, you knew you couldn’t compete when it came to jungkook and his computer games. a clap from the professor breaks your attention from your screen, “alright, that was the last class of anatomy 101!” he then goes on a two minute long speech thanking the entire class for their great work this past year. he ends his ment with, “good luck and make good decisions! have a fun summer!” 

you take your time packing your things, a little too long for someone that just has a laptop to put into their bag. taehyung says goodbye to the both of you and leaves first, the seat in between you both empty. now it was just the two of you. a small blush creeps onto your cheeks. you were well past your high school crush phase, but jungkook makes you feel so shy again. 

you try to hide it by speaking first, “so, a date?” 

he sends you that award winning smile that makes you swoon. “yeah, did you change your mind?” 

you shake your head. “is it casual? fancy? want me to wear a dress again?” you tease, finally pushing your computer into your bag and standing. 

jungkook gulps. you looked so pretty that night in a dress. “fancy,” he answers, “you can wear a dress if you want, pantsuits are cool too— whatever you want.” he finishes packing as well, standing next to you as you both begin to walk down the stairs. 

“okay then,” you smile. “what time should i be ready?” 

“i’ll come and pick you up at seven, is that okay?” he replies, hand in his pockets. you both make your way out of the room and start to move towards the parking lot. 

“sounds good,” you nod, approaching your car. jungkook walks you to your door, his eyes focused on your sweet smile and your eyes. if jungkook didn’t know any better, he would have thought you were leaning closer towards him. a small laugh leaves your throat. “see you later, kookie.” 

he sends you a smile, the nickname tugging at his heartstrings. the realization hits him after you’ve already driven away and he’s sitting in the driver seat of his car. an embarrassing blush covers his face, he takes a deep breath and laughs to himself. finally. a year of crushing and he’s finally asked you on a proper date. 

jungkook is quite frankly, freaking the fuck out. he isn’t sure what to wear and his hair isn’t working with him. the long strands seemingly out to make his life a living hell when he tries to style it. one strand always looks out of place, or the way that it parts doesn’t sit right. he’s pacing his bathroom, debating if he should just shower again and take all the stupid fucking product out of his hair. 

he gives in after ten minutes of deliberation. a quick shower removing all the wax and gel from his hair. the ends of his hair dripping when he goes to check his phone, the time reading: 6:45. he was gonna be late to pick you up. now he’s full on panicking. he has no other choice then to skip the hair product all together and just let his hair dry and part on it’s own. he slides on his all black fancy outfit he had planned out just in case the first one didn’t work out. he steps out of his apartment after grabbing his car keys, wallet, and the flowers he bought earlier in the day for you. 

a friend of his works in a flower shop. jungkook remembers you saying  that you like all flowers and that you couldn’t choose if you had to. so his friend asked what you were like, trying to figure out a way to style the bouquet without knowing your favorites. jungkook said the general things; you’re sweet like an apple, probably sweeter, like candy. you’re so pretty, it’s blessing that he’s able to lay his eyes upon you. you’re smart, too smart for him to flirt stupidly like he always does, ‘cause you outsmart him and flirt with him back in a wittier way. you’re— that was enough information, his friend told him he was babbling again. jungkook only had to wait ten minutes for his friend to finish fixing up a beautiful bouquet for you. 

the bouquet is placed on the passenger seat as he starts his car, texting you when he realizes it’s almost five minutes until 7. 

[6:54 pm] jungkook: fuck 

[6:54 pm] jungkook: i’m gonna be a little late

[6:55 pm] jungkook: i swear i’m not standing u up

[6:55 pm] jungkook: ok i’m putting my phone down to drive to u now, sorry cutie!! 

[6:57 pm] you: ah okay! 

[6:57 pm] you: i was getting a little worried haha

[6:58 pm] you: see u in a bit <3

jungkook drives safely, but efficiently to your apartment. the drive only taking about five minutes because the stop lights were gracing him with green lights his entire way to you. he parks right in front, grabbing the flowers and hopping out of the car. when he knocks on your door, he starts to feel his nerves work against him. the adrenaline from rushing here gave him enough energy to hype himself up, but now as he’s standing here at your door, waiting for you to answer, his throat starts to dry and his hands start to sweat. 

the metal door slides open, revealing you. in your silk dress, draping over your body in the most flattering way. the neckline deliciously hangs down to reveal your cleavage ever so slightly and the slit on the dress, displaying your thigh teasingly. jungkook is speechless at his first glance at you. his eyebrows raise and his mouth drops open, catching himself drooling once you step out from your apartment. 

“h— hi, you look— wow,” he stumbles over his words, taking a step back to admire you once again. “you’re fucking stunning.”  

you brush your hair back behind your ear, your hand covering the blush covering your cheeks. “thank you, you look very handsome, jungkook.” you reach out and play with his black tie. he looks down when you do, remembering that he was holding a bouquet of flowers for you. 

he holds them out, “these are for you.” like a kid giving his crush a dandelion he picked from the grass. 

“these are gorgeous, jungkook! thank you.” you look up to him with your signature sweet eyes, the ones that never fail to make him melt. “just give me one sec, i’ll put these down and then we can go?” you ask, holding onto the bouquet and waiting for him to respond. a quick nod is all you need to open your door and place them in the fridge. you come out a few seconds later, locking your door and standing by jungkook again. 

“that was fast,” he comments. he holds his arm out for you to hold, which you gratefully take. 

“i just put them in the fridge, my grandma showed me the trick, it helps them live a little longer,” you explain. the two of you walking out to his parked car. he never lets your hand touch the handle, always opening the door for you. 

“when they die, i’ll just buy you new ones.” closing the door for you and making his way to the drivers seat. 

you scrunch your nose. when he comes back and joins you in the car, you voice your worry. “it’s kind of a waste, don’t you think?” 

he shakes his head, “if it’s for you, nothing’s a waste.” 

jungkook was a professional with his words. always rendering you speechless. 

with that he starts the car and begins driving into the busier part of seoul. he makes his way into the restaurants parking garage, the building looks to be about five stories. the architecture itself looks expensive, you wonder where jungkook is taking you tonight. he parks the car, turning off the engine, and moving to open the door for you. he takes your hand and you hold onto your dress, fixing it once you get out of the car. god, you’re so pretty. he was so nervous. 

“ready, my lady?” he smiles, his arm out for you to hold. 

it makes you laugh, a snort almost. “i’ve never seen you so proper, mr. jeon.” 

“only for you,” he winks. your heels click against the concrete floor as he leads the two of you into the building. the high ceilings and multiple chandeliers are what greet you first, the brightness of the place giving the sun something to rival. jungkook brings you over to the waiting area, telling you to wait for a minute as he checks you guys in. 

this was crazy to say the least. the last time you went on a date, it was to the movie theaters. you’ve never been in a place like this; a doorman greeting every guest as they walk in, checking in to eat, multi-story, etc. the more you look around, the cooler it is. “let’s go?” jungkook’s voice makes you turn your head. you stand, taking his hand. 

the two of you follow a man wearing a black and white suit, with a long tail jacket. he brings you to the elevators, holding the doors open for you both. you step in and he presses the fifth button, which was the top floor. you squeeze jungkook’s hand. he repeats the action, looking to you and silently asking if you were okay with the look in his eyes and the raise of his eyebrows. you nod, a smile on your face. 

with that the elevator doors open, the metal doors sliding apart to reveal a private terrace. only a couple tables on the entire floor. a few people sitting down and enjoying their dinners. beautiful greenery surrounding the perimeter, the night sky only making it prettier. your mouth is left agape, you’re stuck in the elevator, speechless. jungkook gently tugs you forward, following the suit man to the table. 

jungkook pulls your chair out for you. you could cry at the chivalry. you sit and he pushes the chair in, jungkook follows soon, sitting in the chair across from you. the man hands the two of you the menu and moves away from the table, standing back near to the elevator, waiting until you are both ready to order. 

“this is fucking crazy,” you whisper-shout. the terrace was lit by these bright fairy lights that were hidden in the plants and were above the tables as well. it looked like little fairies and fire flies were in the air, roaming around. 

“i know right!” jungkook looked as surprised as you were. “i asked my friends for some help and holy shit!” 

“they know you’re on a date with me right now?” you ask, raising your eyebrows. 

to this he furrows his eyebrows, “of course they do, i talk about you all the time—”but he stops himself from exposing himself any further. you can’t help but giggle. “i mean, i asked them to help me make this special, and here we are.” 

you swoon. he’s so sweet for planning all of this out and wanting to make you feel special. the two of you look through the menu, jungkook warns you not to look at the prices, telling you to get whatever you want because the price doesn’t matter. but of course, your eyes stray to the numbers, the meals costing a pretty penny for a simple spaghetti plate, the cheapest thing on there. you were craving pasta anyway, you didn’t mind. the two of you order and wait for the food to arrive. 

the city of seoul was just below you, not too high but high enough to turn people into smaller figures of themselves. the night lights look gorgeous from up here. the warm summer night only complimenting the gorgeous atmosphere. 

“the view is so pretty,” you gaze out into the city. the pretty colors from all the lights of the different stores and restaurants complementing each other so beautifully. 

jungkook was in awe, he knows that the city below you is gorgeous, but he can’t seem to get his eyes off of you. your chin resting in the palm of your hand as your eyes search through the streets. “yeah…” he agrees, “very beautiful.” he smiles, only looking at you. 

the food comes and you both dig in. the two of you enjoy some conversation with each other as you eat. the topic of growing up comes up, both of you explaining the occupations you wanted, and you said something that sparked curiosity in jungkook. “your childhood dream was to live in california?” he smiles, chewing on his steak. most of the time kids dream about going to the moon or finding atlantis, but you wanted to go to america? 

you nod, “sounds funny right? when i was a teen, i watched a lot of 90210.” 

“is that all though? you only wanted to go because of a tv show?” he asks. there’s something you’re hiding, and jungkook can see it in the way that you hide your smile. 

at first, you hesitate, but you open your mouth to speak, “well— there is— no, it’s embarrassing.” you shake your head, changing your mind and reverting your eyes down. staring at the plate of pasta in front of you. guys you talked to didn’t wanna hear about it, they thought what you were into was boring, embarrassing almost. a part of you feared that jungkook would feel the same. 

you feel his hand on your chin, tilting your head up. “i wanna hear about it.” his face telling you the truth, the sincerity in his eyes as he patiently waits for you to explain. 

“there’s this science program in california, they explore new ideas for researching the ocean, like trying to see what lurks in the deep blue, helping fix the rising oceans, everything-- oh my god, and they like go on field trips to different countries to see the coastlines and historical sites—” you cut yourself off when you realize that you’re talking at the speed of light. “i’m rambling.” you were terrified to see his reaction. 

but when your eyes finally meet jungkook’s, they’re full of light. and his smile is so big. “dude, that’s so dope!” he grins, “i didn’t know you were so into the ocean!” 

it was the bare minimum, being nice, but that was hard to find when it came to the majority of the male species. obviously, jungkook is above average, he only proves that the more time you spend with him. 

“oh, i love it! my parents would bring me to the beach and i would cry every time we would have to leave, aquariums too, and the fish section in the pet stores.” you gush, leaning into the table to tell jungkook more. he leans into his hand, resting his cheek against his fist as he listens to you spill your knowledge and love. 

he notes that the next date should be at the beach or an aquarium. it was a great time for him to learn this, especially since it was summer. the weather in favor of the cold ocean waves. jungkook swears he can listen to you talk until the end of time. your sweet voice can be the narration to his life, he’d never get sick of it. 

the food on both of your plates had been cleared, the conversation sizzling into a comfortable silence before the man came back to give you the bill. jungkook doesn’t let you see it, instead just sticking his card in the black folder thing, and giving it back to the fancy suit man. it wasn’t long before he came back, handing jungkook back his card and giving the both of you a lollipop with gold flakes encased inside. 

you gasp at the piece of candy, now that was ridiculous. you weren’t one to reject a lollipop though, gratefully taking the candy and popping it into your mouth. jungkook does the same. it tastes of blueberry. at this point he stands up, moving in front of you and holding his hand out to you. “let’s look around? i heard they have a cool museum on the second floor.” 

you take his hand, “i love museums!” the two of you make your way to the elevator, the man (he never told you his name) kept the door open for you both. he presses the second floor button when jungkook asks him for the museum. the elevator landing on the second floor, the doors slide open to show a completely empty art hall. this place shocking you every chance it gets. you didn’t think it could get better, but it did. 

when the two of you exit the elevator, the man leaves you to it, taking the elevator down and leaving you alone. your eyes scan the place, huge paintings on the walls, small paintings in collages, some sculptures on the floor, it felt like a pop-up museum. you both make your way down the enormous hallway, both sides of the room’s wall displaying works of art. you stop at one specific painting, the familiar work has you spewing random facts. “these are the lovers! i had to analyze this once,” you speak. the art displaying a couple kissing, both of their heads covered by a white sheet. “the real one is in australia, i think.” you laugh, tapping the lollipop against your lips. 

jungkook listens intently, but he doesn’t pay attention to the painting on the wall. everytime he does, his eyes always revert to you. the art doesn’t stand a chance against you in his book. you, yourself, were a piece of art, one that was rare in this world, one of a kind. 

he can’t seem to resist. taking your hand and raising it over your head, the way that they do in ballroom dancing. if a twirl was what he wanted, then so he got it. “beautiful,” he compliments, pulling you in close for a hug. the two of you swaying in the middle of the hall of this stupidly expensive restaurant. 

you look up to him, making full eye contact as the two of you lean on one foot to the other. probably looking like a lovesick couple, getting lost in the moment. which, you were. your eyes flicker from his eyes down to his lips, he seems to do the same thing. his hand moves to caress your face, the swaying ceased. now the two of you are centimeters apart, noses brushing against each other. if jungkook doesn’t kiss you now, he thinks he’ll combust. so when he feels you pushing forward, he does the same, meeting you in the middle. your lips connect. the kiss almost identical to the painting in front of you. 

jungkook swears he felt himself levitating. your lips are sweet, the blueberry flavor of the lollipop lingering on them. he’s had his fair share of kisses in his life. makeouts, pecks, cheek kisses, all types of kisses. but something about this one tells him that he’s in for it. he’ll never be able to get enough now that he’s gotten a taste. 

neither of you want to take it too far; swallowing each other's faces in a distinguished, five star restaurant’s museum didn’t seem very proper. so the two of you make your way out of the building, thanking everyone at the front desk, especially the man that helped you out today, and walking into the parking garage where jungkook’s car was. 

when you get to his car, he moves to open the passenger door for you but you stop him with a hand on his arm. you reach to open the back door handle and his eyes almost bulge out. everyone knows what happens in the backseat, and jungkook did not prepare himself for something like this. 

you look up at him with the most innocent eyes, but there’s something devious hidden in your smile when you ask, “do you wanna talk for a bit longer? in the backseat? it’s more comfortable than sitting in the front.” 

jungkook never took you for someone this bold. it’s either you didn’t know the meaning of the backseat (which was totally fine) or you knew very well, and had plans to devour jungkook (which was also totally fine).

he chickens out, his hands starting to sweat. “do you want to just go for a little walk or something?” it’s not like jungkook didn’t want anything to happen, it’s that he did. if he starts, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever recover from it. he walks a tightrope around you when it comes to his self control. one wrong move, and he’s terrified that he’ll fuck everything up. 

“oh, it’s just my feet kinda hurt from these heels.” you pout, lifting you foot up to show him the almost stiletto heel. 

his eyes widen. why didn’t he think of that? “oh— oh shit, i didn’t even— yeah, let’s sit.” he tugs on the door, letting you slide into the back seat. he follows, leaving a good amount of space between you both to make sure that there was nothing too suspicious going on. you hope your bold moves hide your nervousness, despite your confidence, jungkook’s unsure looks make you want to curl up into a ball. did he not want this? 

the air was different now. in the restaurant the two of you had been so carefree, slow dancing in the museum, and landing a sweet kiss on each other’s lips. but now, an uncomfortable silence tears at the two of you. your hesitance makes you speak, trying to see if a conversation would ease the tension in the air. “i had a lot of fun tonight, kookie, thank you.” 

it seems to comfort jungkook, he lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. with a small smile on his face he replies, “me too, i was really nervous you wouldn’t like the food.” 

“oh it was good! i’ll eat anything really, it’s just—“

“you didn’t like the place? was it too much—“

“no, jungkook, oh my god— i loved it, it was just really expensive, i still feel really bad about you paying for all of it,” you look to him seriously. “let me give you at least my half?” 

he shakes his head, “i asked you out on this date, it means i pay, don’t worry about the price.” 

you roll your eyes playfully, “big spender huh?”

a pretty laugh escapes his lips. “hard worker too.” 

to this you smile, you stare at his impossibly-perfect face, noticing a stray eyelash on his cheek. you see a chance to strike and you take it immediately. you lean forward to swipe it off. jungkook almost leans into your touch. he’s so terrified that he’ll embarrass himself right now, so he’s been holding back tremendously. but the way you pick the eyelash off and place it on your thumb with a smile on your face, it eases most of the tension in his chest. 

“make a wish!” you hold your thumb up to his lips. his eyes cross to look at the piece of hair on your finger, but nevertheless he obliged. shutting his eyes tight, making a wish, and blowing the eyelash off of your thumb. 

you let out a small cheer before you ask him, “what’d you wish for?” 

“if i told you then my wish wouldn’t come true, right?” he boops your nose. suddenly, jungkook doesn’t feel so nervous. his nerves calming at the feeling of your soft hands against his face. you make him so nervous, but at the same time you make him so comfortable and make him want to be himself. it seems as though the two of you were staring at each other for a while. jungkook was thinking about how much he likes you, the same ideas run through your mind. the thoughts make you wish for something more. 

“can i kiss you again, kookie?” 

he stares at you, weighing his options. if he kisses you now, then he has to strategically only give you a few kisses, he absolutely cannot make out with you, or else, jungkook will succumb to his desires.

but he takes a little too long to respond. the both of you overthinking the fuck out of the situation. it makes you draw back. “it’s okay if you don’t want—“ 

“no, no, please, kiss me,” he brings you back, moving closer to you. licking his lips in anticipation as you slowly push forward, closing the gap between you both. the kiss is so sweet, like the one in the museum. jungkook can still taste the blueberry lingering on your lips. he doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of kissing you. 

you pull away first. your eyes scanning his face to see any expression of regret. there’s none. his hand moves to the side of your face, caressing your face and bringing you to him once again to meet your lips. he can’t get enough. “tell me what you wished for, please,” you speak against his lips. 

he smiles into the kiss. he wasn’t going to tell you, but since you were asking so nicely, he gives you a kiss on the cheek when he answers, “i wished for a second date.” 

“oh, didn’t you know?” you kiss both of his cheeks before speaking again, “i grant wishes,” with wink.

“fuck, you’re so cute,” he thinks out loud, it makes you blush. pink cheeks out for show and jungkook thinks you look even cuter. he dives in for one more kiss, telling himself this will be the last one, but when you make sweet noises against his lips, it has him wanting more. hands moving down to your waist, pulling you in and letting you climb onto his lap. he pulls away first, trying to get a hold of himself. “i uh— actually, didn’t plan for this to happen,“ he mumbles against your skin, tripping over his words. 

you look down, arms wrapped around his neck. “hm? what did you plan?” 

“we were supposed to kiss on the next date i take you on and i didn’t think— we’re just ahead of schedule, that’s all.” jungkook tries to explain that he didn’t want to rush it, god no. he wanted to take his time, make sure that you didn’t feel pressured to do anything. but now, it seems like you’re taking the wheel and jungkook doesn’t mind it one bit.

“oh so you had like a real plan? like times and everything?” the thought of it makes you laugh, and the way that jungkook flushes makes you want to pinch his cheeks. 

he pouts when you giggle, “don’t laugh, i just really, really wanted to do it right, you’re just so amazing and i didn’t wanna fuck it up.”

you smile at his concern. the fact that you have the uni heartthrob planning dates in his head down to the details and wanting to be sure he does it right makes your head spin. you hope jungkook doesn’t notice the way that your heart is beating three times the normal rate when you go to kiss him again. the only sounds in the car are labored breaths and your lips smacking together. it doesn’t take long before you’re grinding into him. his growing bulge rubbing against your soaking core. a groan leaving him when you grind particularly harder, his hands moving to your ass to grip it. you melt in his arms, small whimpers leaving your throat as jungkook drinks them up

you pull away from his lips, giving his cheeks attention then leaving a trail of kisses as you make your way to his ear. one final kiss is planted below his earlobe before you whisper, “am i ruining your plans, kookie?” 

jungkook tries his best to conceal his groan, tries his best to ignore his incredibly hard dick in his jeans, but you’re so pretty and you’re on top of him, kissing him. it feels like a dream to jungkook. it is quite literally a dream come true. 

he was already playing with fire, your body a flame in the cold, he moves closer and closer until he burns. “fuck plans,” he breathes. a hand comes back to caress your face once again. filthy thoughts flooding his brain. he wonders what being in between your legs is like, what you sound like when you cum. he wants to make you cry and beg for his cock. but he holds himself back, knowing that you’ll have time to try everything out, if you wanted of course. he leans the both of you forward, his large hands splayed on your back to secure you on his lap. your lips find each other once more. “can i touch you?” he asks so sweetly, a hidden poison weaving through that you can slightly hear through the deep rumble of his voice. 

you’ve never wanted anything more. “please,” you nod. your lips chasing his when he pulls further away. 

jungkook smiles at the action. “lay on my lap, baby.” he instructs, tapping your thigh. the nickname rolling off his tongue, his voice seemingly dropping an entire octave. you raise your leg and move it over to sit on his lap, sideways. your back against the car door and his right hand rubbing your thighs ever so gently. 

“like this?” you ask, looking to him for reassurance. he looks to you with eyes that you’ve never seen, lusted and dark. 

“mhm, perfect,” he nods. “good girl.” the praise goes straight to your belly, your panties flooding from how much you want him. his hands move slowly down your inner thighs as he goes in to kiss you again. 

you’re absentmindedly spreading your legs, making room for him. he smirks against your lips when he realizes. he knows what you want, so his fingers move to your panties, lightly putting pressure over your clothed bud. you whimper at the feeling, biting his lip in the process. he moans in response, putting a little more pressure against your bundle of nerves. 

“jungkook,” you whine, pulling away from his lips, “please.” 

“please what, baby?” he kisses your cheek, “tell me what you want.”  

“please touch me, please.” you beg, making eye contact with him. jungkook’s dick twitches at the sound of your begging. he wanted to string you along a little longer, but you’re being so good. 

“since you asked so nicely, baby,” he obliges. bunching your dress up around your waist and noticing the pretty black lace underwear you were wearing, “for me?” he asks. you nod, your teeth taking in your bottom lip. he groans at the thought, you getting ready and picking out these cute, risque panties out just for him. it’s just too bad they’re gonna be on the floor on his car. he’s gonna need to ask for a rain check on admiring you and your cute underwear later.  

you lift your hips to help him, underwear coming off to reveal your soaking pussy. “oh, fuck,” jungkook murmurs at the sight of it. “you’re so wet baby.” he almost starts drooling, he can’t wait to taste you, but he’s still hesitant, only wanting to do what you want to. next time, he can eat you out. right now, he’ll admire the delicious sight and make you cum on his fingers. 

your eyes travel to the window directly in front of you, suddenly feeling insecure. thighs closing, thinking about how someone could look in and see. “what about the windows—“ 

“they’re tinted, no one can see from the outside in, i promise.” he reassures, giving you another sweet kiss on the cheek before asking, “do you still want to do this? we can stop now.” he’s so lovely, his concern and change in demeanor only making you want it more, knowing that he wouldn’t want to push you to do something you were uncomfortable with. sweet was sexy on jungkook. you never thought there would be a day that jeon jungkook fingers you in a parking lot of a five star restaurant, but here you are. and you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

so you shake your head, taking his hand, and placing it back in between your legs. “please.” 

“anything for you.” he whispers in your ear before running his middle finger up your slit, collecting your wetness, and spreading it around your clit. he continues making tight circles on your clit, the sensation drives you crazy. you lean your head back against the window, moaning out. it was almost humiliating how reactive you were, you hadn’t indulged in this kind of intimacy in a while, almost a year to be specific. 

it wasn’t helping that jungkook was a fucking pro. the right amount of pressure and the placement of his digits against you has you dripping onto his nice, dress pants. you hoped nobody else was in the parking garage, else they would hear your cries of jungkook’s name. “more, kookie, more— fuck.” 

“more baby?” he questions, the sound of your moans going straight to his already hard dick. he thinks he could cum just to the sound of your voice. he’s one hundred percent fucked when it comes to you. he dips his middle finger into your hole, you gasp in reaction. “like that? hmm? ” 

jungkook knew was he was doing, he had you spread wide in the backseat of his car, already on the verge on an orgasm. he had a few years of experience on his belt, a ‘retired fuck boy’ he was, but he’s never wanted to please somebody more than he does right now with you. you just looked so pretty like this, so eager and begging for more. 

he adds his ring finger now, his thumb against your clit. “oh, god—“ you mutter, the feeling of his fingers and his thumb on your clit is too good. his fingers fucking you better than anyone else’s dick ever has. you found yourself bucking your hips against his fingers. “kookie, kiss me, please,” you look up to him with the eyes he can never fucking deny. so he kisses you, drinking up your moans as you fuck yourself up onto his fingers.��

“i didn’t know you were such a dirty girl,” he murmurs against your lips. your walls clenching around him, “letting me touch you like this in the backseat of my car?” his usual sweet demeanor now contorting into this cocky guy with an ego. it makes you even wetter. the squelch of your pussy every time his fingers push in is loud, the sound is music to jungkook’s ears. 

“only— only for you, jungkook,” you whimper.  you feel a familiar knot in your stomach tighten. he looked so hot like this. eager to please. his bottom lip caught in his teeth and a strand of his long hair dangling in front of his eyes. 

“good girl, all mine,” he kisses your neck. it may seem just like something you say during sex, but jungkook wanted it to be true. wanted you and only you. all to himself. he makes his way to a sweet spot, the feeling makes you tilt your head, giving him more access to kiss and suck along the sensitive skin. the discomfort of your back against the hard door was the last of your worries. your orgasm creeping closer and closer, juices leaking all overs his fingers. “so wet baby,” he growls, “i know i could just slide in, fuck you so good.” 

“p-please, i want it.” the thought of jungkook fucking you senseless, oh, you’d go crazy. begging wasn’t something you did when it came to sex, most of the time it was quiet, moans and breaths were the only things that you’d hear, no dirty words or praises. it was a good change, you never thought that you’d be so into being talked through it. 

he smiles at your eagerness, “patience baby, gotta take you on another date, yeah?” kissing your pursed lips. always so sweet and lovely. 

you feel his fingers push a little deeper, curling to find that sweet spot inside of you. your reaction does something to him, makes him hit the exact same spot, over and over again, in a slow, torturous beat just so he can draw those delicious gasps and moans out of you. jungkook feels close. he’s never felt like this before, so wound up. he ignores it, pushing it to the back of his head to focus on helping you reach your climax. 

lucky for jungkook, he didn’t have to wait very long. his fingers were longer and a thicker than yours, his efforts making you get there faster than you ever could. the consistent deep strokes of his fingers make the warning signals go off in your head. you speak a verbal warning before, “fuck, i’m gonna cum,” your voice pitches a little higher than usual. 

“gonna cum all over my fingers, baby?” he gives you one last sloppy kiss before you’re moaning out and coming onto his fingers, eyes screwed shut as your walls convulse rapidly as his fingers fuck you through your orgasm. “fuck, you’re so hot, ___.” 

you feel a smile break on your face. “you’re not so bad yourself,” you wink, still trying to catch your breath. a laugh slips from his mouth, small smirk on his mouth to match. he slips his fingers out, your body twitching at the over stimulation. 

 “i’m sorry, baby,” he apologizes. inspecting his fingers, your pale almost-white cum coating the digits. he brings them to his mouth, sucking on your sweet sap. you’ve never seen anything hotter in your life. “sweet, just like you,” he smirks. you shrink in his stare, hiding your blush. like you totally didn’t just cum on his fingers. 

you’re distracted by the feeling of something hard resting under your thigh, it’s then that you realize, “what about—“ you start but jungkook cuts you off quick. 

“no, no, it’s okay, it’ll go away soon.” he shakes his head, but you furrow your eyebrows. 

you pull on his black tie, making him lean forward and make eye contact with you “can i?” you ask, so sweetly. 

he stares at you with the most sexed eyes you’ve ever witnessed. “you’re driving me crazy.” 

“you’re always so sweet to me, jungkook,” you kiss his cheek. readjusting yourself in his lap, straddling him once more. “took me on this amazing dinner, always treating me like a princess.” your lips travel down from his cheeks to his jawline, then to his neck. he shudders at the feeling of your lips against his sensitive skin. your hands move from around his neck to travel further down, to the latch of his belt. his breath hitches. “let me return the favor, kookie.”

“i—“ he laughs, the embarrassment evident in the pink tint on his face. “i won’t last very long.” 

you didn’t mind, just assuring him with a sweet kiss on the cheek before you start removing his belt. jungkook leans his head back on the headrest, his neck exposed for you to kiss and suck. you unbutton and unzip, pulling his pants and his boxers down at the same time. his size makes your eyes bulge. he was huge. your mouth waters at the sight. 

“you’re so big, kook.” you egg him on, fueling his ego because he just looked so hot. your hand moves to hold him at the base, he lets out a shaky breath when your soft skin meets his. jungkook’s head is in the clouds, he could cum right now if he let go, but he’s holds himself back, not wanting to look like a fool in front of you. your hand moves up his dick, your thumb collecting the precum dripping from his hole, your thumb running over his slit as he groans. 

his hips buck up, “shit, baby.” he just sounds so good. you could just lick him up. you collect some saliva in your mouth, letting it drip from your mouth onto his dick to lube your hand. he groans at the sight, “you’re so filthy, baby, holy shit.” 

you smirk at the admission, the spit making it so easy for your hand to glide against his cock. the feeling makes him throw his head back again. his chest rising and falling.  the picture of him with his eyes screwed shut in pleasure and his mouth agape makes your lower belly light up once more, you clench around nothing. leaning in as you pump his cock to whisper in his ear, “wanna fuck me so bad? have me crying on your cock? you want that, don’t you, kookie?” 

jungkook twitches at your words. that’s exactly what he wants. was he that easy to read? was that what you wanted too? the thought of it makes him want to explode, “oh— god, ffuck— fuck,” he sputters. his hand coming up to hover above his head, your hand still pumping as the spurts of his cum shoot out. you smile at the action, knowing he didn’t wanna fuck up your dress. instead just making a mess of him and his hand. he takes deep breaths before speaking, “there’s a little box of tissues in the center console, could you hand it to me, baby?” 

you lean back, opening the console and reaching for the small box that sits in the center. before you give it to him, your eyes flicker to the sticky mess all over jungkook’s hand and groin. a sudden urge to lick takes you over, holding jungkook’s hand and bringing it up to your mouth. you lick the dripping cum from the palm of his hand as he watches, maintaining eye contact the entire time. 

jungkook shivers, a smile creeping on his face, “you— you’re evil.” the remark makes you laugh. 

“sorry, just wanted to help clean up.” you smile, swallowing the cum you collected on your tongue. 

“yeah, yeah, you’re not the sweet girl i thought you were,” jungkook quirks a brow. 

you roll your eyes playfully, “you don’t like it?” 

“nope, i love it, you’re perfect.” jungkook wipes off the remaining mess from his lap and his hand. you help him clean up tissues and he picks up your panties that were discarded on the floor. the two of you fix yourselves before stepping out of the back seat, jungkook opens the passenger door for you before he goes to a trashcan and throws away the soiled tissues. 

he joins you back in the car, starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot. you were rambling about how happy you were that no one was around and how there were no security cameras in the parking garage. jungkook blabbers too, telling you about how embarrassed he is that he barely lasted a few minutes. before the two of you knew it, his car parked in front of your apartment complex. 

he stands outside of your front door, leaning against the doorframe. all dreamy and not like he just made you cum in the backseat of his car. “text me before you sleep?” he smiles. 

you nod, “of course,” reflecting the same smile. you wave before closing your door. the date being more than you ever expected. there was no way jungkook was real. he had to be a figment of your imagination, he was the absolute dream guy. 

you lay in bed, staring at the stars on your ceiling. a blush creeping up to your cheeks once more when you think about the events that took place tonight. 

[11:02 pm] you: thank you for tonight, jungkook 

[11:02 pm] you: it was magical <3 

[11:03 pm] jungkook: no problem cutie, i had an amazing time with you

[11:04 pm] jungkook: feeling okay? 

[11:06 pm] you: i’m great!!! more than okay

[11:07 pm] jungkook: 😂

[11:07 pm] jungkook: i’m glad cutie

[11:08 pm] you: lunch on me next time? now that you’ve taken me for dinner :) 

[11:08 pm] jungkook: sure, i’m down :) 

[11:09 pm] you: i’m rlly tired kookie 

[11:10 pm] you: gonna head to sleep now 

[11:10 pm] jungkook: alright cutie 

[11:11 pm] jungkook: sweet dreams! 

｡ﾟ(ﾟ^Ｏ^ﾟ)ﾟ｡ tag list: @giadalin @ggukkieland

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Let’s talk: The importance of curating your space and the cyclical life of ships

by Admin 1

From anon: Hi! I'm a new Army/vminie (4 months) and I have a (maybe dumb) question... When I joined, I saw so many j*/k*okers analysing every small moment between jk and jm and these ppl were everywhere and I couldn't avoid seeing j*/k*ok ship content. However, the past two weeks or so it seems to have shifted and suddenly I see t*e/k*ok ship content everywhere. I wonder, is this shifting a normal occurence? And how do I get rid of these ship contents in spaces that are supposed to be free of these 2 ships

Having been around for quite some time, I’ve come to think of the big ships as something very akin to extremely sensitive seismometers. Instead of detecting even the smallest movement or noise in relation to earthquakes or volcanic activity, these ship seismometers react to any and all activity (as in any kind of “moments” or what they perceive as such) in very “volatile” manners, for a lack of better words.

What do I mean by that?

Like you said, there was a long phase after Dynamite came out where the mood had shifted toward J*k*ok because we got more content in which we could see those two interact, even if later on we also got content from the same sets and time in which both members involved were seen interacting with other members, but that didn’t matter. So, obviously, shippers took this as grand sign, the seismometer drawing numbers like ones you’d get when you have an extreme earthquake, but in this case it was a positive thing. Every new “moment” or anything they perceived as such caused big reactions, loud enough to even reach far beyond their space and instead was heard also in general ARMY spaces or those of other shippers etc. But, there’s also the opposite effect, as in, volatile reactions, or big reactions, when there are several pieces of content one after the other where said ship doesn’t interact or doesn’t have any “moments”. In cases like that euphoria quickly shifts into “insecurity” (though they would never admit to that) and worry, occasionally also defensiveness and attacks.

Imagine a scenario like this: lets say we get five Bangtan B*mbs. The first one has main ship A interact, the next one doesn’t have either of the two ships, the third one was has main ship B interact, as well as in video four and five. 

Those who were happy with the first video will be casual/neutral about the second one, but as they get the third, fourth and fifth, the seismometer for them inevitably turns from extremely positive to extremely negative. While for B it’s the exact opposite, going from negative to extremely positive with YT and sns exploding with announcements of “B ships is back” or “B are in love after all, BH has freed them” or anything along those lines.

What I’m trying to say is that yes, this is normal. The big ships and their shippers lead a very cyclical life, which also means they never quite “disappear” either. They are always there, waiting, and then jump on any piece of a moment they get with big reactions, and in the time where they have nothing, chances are the toxic part of their community will go into attack mode instead, like that will change anything at all. We’ve seen other ships come and go, nearly disappear just to have some kind of revival months or even years later, or “new” ships win the favor of the masses. There are also a few ships that have steadily existed for most of the past eight years without any volatile shifts or changes, but those are generally the quieter ones ignored or actively campaigned against/discredited ones by the big ships and their shippers. 

Hyung line ships are generally seen as more “niche”/overlooked, or just some background extras for fanfics or something ML shippers enjoy since the aren’t an active “threat”, like Namjoon x Yoongi or Yoongi x Hobi which have been around forever and I don’t think I’ve ever really seen (or heard about) anyone have fights about them or even fights between those two camps, since most shippers have an almost laser like focus on the maknaes and especially JK.

The funny thing in all of this, if you can even call it that, is that none of it really depends on the members themselves. In all this time they haven’t changed their behavior much at all, their bonds haven’t drastically or dramatically changed, and certain members didn’t magically go from “hating” each other to suddenly becoming couples over night or vise versa. It’s all shipper interpretations, theories and conspiracies being layered on top of what people see on screen to make things more “interesting”, even if that means actively going against what the members have said themselves and who the members are, as in their personalities but also in relation to each other.

And this brings me to my next point, the importance of curating your own space.

Here it’s important to know what kind of a TL or ARMY sns experience do you want. Do you want to just focus on your bias with a side of OT7 with gifs and pictures and nothing else? Do you want to have more of an eye on how BTS is doing on the charts? Have more discourse and discussions on the TL you can follow or actively participate in? Or do you want a mix of it all?

Personally I’m very picky in who I follow and what kind of content I add to my TL by following an account. Generally I think it’s important to check every account you consider following to make sure they aren’t one of the following things: akgae, manti, solo stan, toxic shipper, or a victimizing sheep. While I do follow a number of ship centric accounts, because I like seeing vmin and namjin on my TL, I find it extremely important to follow several trustworthy ARMY translators as well as a number of non-ship centric ARMY accounts that just focus on Bangtan as a whole.

The block button is your friend. I know it might seem drastic or mean to just block random people, but in the long run you will be thankful for it since it will keep toxic content away from your space, regardless if toxic in a solo stan sense or a ship one. If you’re on twt you can also mute certain words and # so they don’t show up on your TL either, make use of that if you feel a need for it. Eventually though the algorithm learns what you gravitate toward, and if you follow a well curated number of accounts, the things you don’t want to see simply won’t appear where you can see them.

On YT, as far as I’m aware, in the recommended section you can mark videos you don’t like as not being interested in them and even mark whole channels as something you don’t want to have recommended to you. Since I don’t watch any ship related videos, I never get any recommended to me despite watching BTS videos (though I mostly stick to their official accounts and wherever else they performed).

It’s important to create a space in which you just see the content you want, but still pay attention to not just bury yourself in a ship bubble since that can be a slippers slope and you might end up accidentally turning yourself toxic on accident, too sure of your thoughts and end up growing resentful moments where a member of your ship interacts with someone else in the group. That’s when you know you’ve gone several steps to far, since above all else, we are ARMY before we are vminnies or namjinists or anything else. We can love our chosen duo, we can love our bias(es), but we should always listen to what the members have to say and trust them. After all Tae (and the other members) has asked us several times to love all seven, so that’s what I do. They are all incredibly lovable, and their bonds with each other all precious and wonderful in their own ways and worthy of appreciation, so I don’t understand those who feel hatred against any of them.

Curate your space but always keep a healthy mix of general ARMY and ship content, if you are someone who partakes in shiperverse activities, and stay as far away as possible from manipulative YT videos and accounts with toxic narratives and motives. 

From anon: hey! read your new post re: curating your own space. don't know if you'll answer this, but is there any "must follow" accounts on twt (for translations, vmin, and bts in general) that you can recommend? I'm new to the site and made an account for bangtan only, but there's just so much going on there that it can get confusing. Also found out that there are many troll accs, fake 'nice' accs, too much drama accs etc that can give you a bad experience.

Here’s a large selection of translators and a smaller selection of other accounts that I think are worth following, especially BTSChartData. Also, whatever you do, don’t follow the BTS ARMY twt account with 4M+ followers or however many they might have at this point.

I’d also be very weary of member specific fanbases and chart accounts since they are known as perfect breeding grounds for solos, akgae and mantis, unfortunately, and some have been exposed for being akgae themselves.

[luneair]

Being mentally ill but in love is so weird

Like I have “life plans” but only because it seems that’s the only suitable route with the least amount of friction for me rather than being driven by ambition or being enthusiastic to live life

But all in all they’re very loose plans and I really can’t imagine myself being successful in a traditional sense or even being elderly like I’m hoping to be out before then

And then I’m with this woman and it’s like flickers of images appear in my mind with her there, like envisioning some kind of future and it gives me hope and I criticize myself like why have I attempted to end my life so many times when there’s something good to stay for..but sometimes the depression and the accentuated depression from ptsd flashbacks is a bit stronger so it’s hard to imagine anything good in life to that extent

People will think I’m some big baby and that’s fine I think so too 🤷‍♀️ but having (c)ptsd is just never ending. I mean this literally. When I say being around ppl or even just in places that are complex (lots of colors, a certain ambience, music etc..) sets off a flashback (which can be an actual immersive memory or simply be familiar emotions and sensations) that leaves me frozen and scared and unable to do anything like talk, see what’s really in front of me, think complex thoughts in that moment.. I can’t control it. This is just my life daily. I’m lucky that I work in a small building with minimal ppl and even just muted colors, where it’s typically quiet on a good day especially now with the pandemic so a lot of ppl have quit and the attendance is super low.

Then I just have anxiety and an eating disorder (along with mood disorders and a personality disorder) that really makes my self perception distorted, I will never look at myself in a positive light whether it be mentally or physically. I’m just not cut out to live life in this world and I’ve come to terms with: as long as I live there will always be this deep-seated sadness in me. Sometimes I feel I’m just like this inherently, sometimes I have common sense and know it’s not entirely who I am and not solely my fault but over all it’s there and it’s been there since I was a child and it’ll never go away.

This woman I’m with she doesn’t make all this go away but she does settle my worries or keep these feelings and attacks at bay. I can say with confidence she’ll be there for me despite anything and I will for her too. For me that’s good enough. I think the best thing for me is to just focus on what’s happening in the moment because the past triggers me and the future stresses me out but in the now I just try to take the days as they come..

[baka-kawa]

Nekoma HC: simping for manager

Request | “Hello luv💗 just wanna say ur prev hcs are ✨exquisite✨ (look at me using big mature-ish words👁) Can u please do hcs for the team/s (specifically nekoma, seijoh, inarizaki. Feel free to change the teams tho,,) simping on their manager (reader) and protecting her from flirts from other schools? Hope it’s not confusing 😅 thank you sweetheart 💖💖💖

Notes | hope you enjoy this one as much :))) I had so much fun writing for these boys thank you for your request!!

Kuroo

he’s adorable

he’s so sweet to you

he knows how tough it can be taking care a group of boys on the volley team

so he’d help you out quite a bit

always has a hand in planning stuff

always there to keep you company

this boy sneaks little jokes to catch your reaction

were you even surprised he caught feelings??

you shouldn’t be

kuroo fucking loves seeing you take on the cute little mother role over the boys

he lives for it

which his jokes mainly consist of dad jokes

and not the type you think of

no

“okay kids listen to mom”

“didn’t sign up to be a dad but you kids leave me no choice”

“listen to daddy, little one” 

“kuroo stfu” -kenma

he loves referring himself as the father

he loves it even more when it makes you giggle or blush 

bitch

he one time called you mommy

and the shade of red your face became just fueled something inside of him oh my god

other than his crush

he simps super hard

but his crush just added to the flame

eventually he confesses

and his simping doesn’t disappear

he continues to put you on this throne

and has no issue putting others in their places if anyone crosses lines against his manager

Kenma

kenma doesn’t simp

ppl simp for kenma

let’s be honest

he’s a lot like Kunimi

except he doesn’t simp even if he has feelings

he’s a good boyfriend ofc

but he’s not territorial or aggressive

he does little things for you

packs you lunches

writes you cute little notes/letters

gets kuroo’s attention when the boys are being to loud when you’re trying to grab their attention

you’re his bus buddy now

he loves falling sleep against you on the way to games

but his favorite part

are the rides back home

he’s tired out from the games

you have the window seat

and he has you hold him and you both fall asleep that way

w him curled up into you

the whole team simps for you both

making sure you both aren’t having issues or arguing w one another

but yeah

kenma seriously doesn’t simp

the most simp thing he’d do is just look after you when you don’t notice

like making sure the position you’re in when you’re napping is a comfortable spot

brushing hair out of you face

he once pulled your hair into a pony tail when he noticed how hot it was in the gym

kuroo fucking died at how simply cute it was

yeah

that’s abt it for kenma

Yamamoto

mmm

this boy is a simp for literally any woman

but you’re his manager now

and all his focus is on you

he’s always looking for reasons to spend time w you

kuroo gets pissy bc he wants him to focus on practice

but instead,, Yamamoto is conversing w you abt random shit

he doesn’t have feelings for you atm

he just simps bc you’re his manager and you’re the sweetest person he’s ever met

it doesn’t take long for him to crush on you

and oh boy

his simp levels rise

he gets scolded by kuroo heavily

but he also improves in games

mainly bc he doesn’t want to lose in front of you

very good motivation

he gets the team to for a wall around you when going to comps

it makes you embarrassed to the max ffs

but he gives you no choice

he’d definitely confess

and once you two start dating

he actually becomes pretty tame tbh

he still simps a little

compliments you heavily

your personal hype man

but he isn’t behaving like a wild dog off a leash

he found that silence is far more intimidating to other men

so when other boys are hitting on you

he stands there and stares them down 

sometimes an arm of his is around your shoulders

or he holds your hand and rubs small circles into it

sometimes he’ll even give it a kiss

or kiss your cheek or forehead

you’re grateful he isn’t so crazy anymore

Yaku

he’s kinda already the mom of the group

but he loves having someone like you to take the stress off of him

he doesn’t really simp for you tbh

you simp for him tho

he found it a little weird in the beginning

like why are you always there?

usually their managers stay in the background

mainly conversing w the coach

a little bit w kuroo

but rarely w him

he finds it cute that you provide so much for the team

and thanks you w the sweetest smile when you hand him water and a towel

he’ll eventually simp after you went off on another team for shitting on nekoma

something in him just switched

seeing you get angry just looked so hot

after that occurrence he found new ways to hang out w you

he would chill w you on the bus

sit next to you on the bench when he wasn’t playing

and he’d even spend more time w you when the team has outings

he’d totally ask you on a date

and once you start dating

he’d be slightly more territorial

nothing too crazy

mainly w other guys at comps

he’d walk up to you and take your hand when he sees you in a situation that you’re visibly uncomfortable with

he’s a sweet bf

but again

he wouldn’t really simp

but his bf skills are pretty great

Lev

oh lev

this sweet boy

he’d totally simp for his manager

but in the most clumsy and cutest way

always asking if you need help cleaning or loading the truck w the supplies

and he’d end up making a bigger mess on accident

a lot of apologies

but he’s adorable so it’s easy to forgive him

when you’re being cornered by other dudes

he gets a lil upset

isn’t sure why

and kuroo has to push him to make a move

bc kuroo knows what’s up

“hey lev, y/n was asking for you.”

so he’d walk over to you and see what’s up

you’d get an idea to escape

“hey baby”

fuck dude

lev almost fainted

hearing that name come out of your mouth

he wasn’t aware he had feelings until now

his cheeks reddened

“h-hi-”

the dudes that were trying to make a move weren’t buying that he was your bf

“you don’t believe me?” -you

you mentally apologized to lev as you pulled him down and your lips met

wtf did you just do?

lev was shocked but knew the situation now and pulled you close

figured he’d take advantage of the situation and kiss you back

when you pulled away

the guys were gone

nekoma were wide eyed

and so were the two of you

lev wasn’t shaking as much

but you were

he felt it through his hands on your waist

you apologized profusely

but he was like

nono its okay

and when you kept rumbling he had no idea what to do

he caught a glimpse of kuroo

and he told lev to kiss you again

so he did

and it did the trick

he simps as much as he did before

the only difference is that you two are official

and no one dares to mess w you or disrespect you bc of lev’s appearance

even tho he’s not aware the power he holds

but yeah

hope this was cute :))

sorry if you wanted them to simp platonically

[councilestatebarbie]

can i be annoying and ask for the same thing you did for sid with shawn mendez ? thats rhe first atrology write up ive read that actually makes sense to me like you wrote it in a way i understand. Im interested in shawns chart but everything is confusing so if you have time could you plssssss do a write up for shawns chart? thanj you :)

(note that his rising is only actually libra if his birth time is actually around noon idk anything about him so i’m just going off of info ive been told / found)

leo suns obvs have a reputation of being full of themselves but tbh they’re just self-aware. they’re rly hardworking and mostly motivated by the ppl around them - if they have a specific affection for someone / something they’re gonna do all they can for them / it. they can come across as kinda lazy at times (duh they’re lions) but once you get them going, they’re determined to keep going. they can be pretty traditional (as they’re a fixed sign) and are fiercely loyal when they form connections, so they’d rather work something through for a long while than give up and move on. and although they have that reputation for being overly confident n self absorbed they’re usually really humble and tend to blame themselves when things go wrong -- they’re pretty self conscious and self aware.

sun opposing moon people tend to struggle with their needs and wants, and their indecisiveness results in a lack of focus when they decide on one tour they are often pulled in another direction bc they are always aware of the opposite view, they tend to question their stance a lot

sun conjunct mercury ppl are usually rly intelligent n great communicators - they’re v prideful of their intellect, but they can be not as great listeners as they are speakers bc they’ll be thinking of what to say next. and although they like expressing themselves they tend to not dominate or be v active in conversations bc of this. though when they do speak it may bruise their ego if they feel criticised or pushed aside. also tend to be p animated speakers 

sun opposing uranus means they have a strong sense of personal freedom so it can be hard to get them to do something they aren't particularly interested in. it can be hard for them to maintain routines and often work in spurts, so when they’re having a creative burst they put everything into it, but when they’re not in that creative space it can be hard for them to put much effort into things

aquarius moons can be p sociable but are natural loners, n bc of this they tend to feel like they don't fit in. they also will reject any negative qualities / emotions they possess in order to appear / feel above things which they consider to be more trivial. n when this gets too outta hand is when they come across as aloof and detached. they’re rly tolerant in personal relationships tho - they give a lot of independence and enjoy kinda ‘weird’ behaviour that others might not. they’re a fixed sign too so they’re less flighty than other air signs, n in the long haul prefer things to be more constant, but can be unreliable where the little things in life are concerned.

moon in 10th house people are rly family orientated n like to stay at home a lot. they also usually have strong maternal influences. they might also move around a lot or change up the insides of their homes bc they’re looking for a place to really belong.

moon trine lilith people have an affinity for romantic and sexual relationships, and come come across as charming and intriguing.

moon trine ascendant ppl are good family influences and have good family influences in return, they love giving back. they also love change and travelling, and they’re rly open to other people, and love personal contact.

leo mercuries are good, natural problem solvers. they’re usually rly friendly and positive figures, n can be rly charming w how warm they are. they’re amazing speakers - enthusiastic, sincere, authoritative. but bc they can be authoritative they can come across too strongly sometimes.

mercury in 10th house means the most important things to them are the feelings of home and comfort. they're also smart with languages and can attract careers surrounding language.

venus in cancer tend to be quite sensitive in love. they show their love by caring for you, and paying close attention to your behaviours and feelings more than things you actually say to them. though they can be p moody and give silent treatment etc if they don't keep their moods in check. they love sentimentality and are turned off by affections that feel too impersonal and generalised. they need to feel confident and content w you bc of how attached they are to their family and home.

venus in 9th house people tend to find love with people abroad / not from their home, and they feel v happy abroad. they’re attracted to ppl from different cultural backgrounds, and they like partners who have a sense of adventure and enthusiasm.

venus opposite neptune means they may lack self confidence and are generally easy going - they might let their partner take initiative and just follow suit more than not. these placements are also often in love with love, very compassionate, and will usually go above and beyond for those they love. 

venus square ascendent means they may indulge in things they find pleasure in excessively, and be surrounded by company that is questionable to others. they may also come across differently themselves than they may initially be perceived. 

venus conjunct midheaven brings a very affectionate nature and close relationships w their friends. their friends may be important to their careers in some way. they also tend to have good reputations in their careers and are well-liked for what they do.

cancer mars ppl can be v passive aggressive and try to avoid direct confrontations. they tend to be pretty protective and use this as a way to turn ppl on sometimes, also they can be particularly turned on by the idea of having a baby lmao

cancer opposing neptune is a challenging placement. they have a hard time being direct and proactive with what they want, and they can feel like they aren't entirely deserving of what they do what bc of low self confidence. they fear rejection and criticism. they have strong imaginations and as much as they imagine the ways in which things go wrong they also use it to imagine their ideal scenarios and other good things. they’re likely to fantasise and experiment quite a bit sexually and can be into things others may consider to be weird or taboo. bc of their fears of criticism and inadequacy, they will either go in complicated, roundabout ways to achieve what they want, or will actively seek out situations in which they're almost guaranteed positive feedback and praise

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 18

IN THIS EPISODE OF ROBLOX OOF NOISE:

“Yes.” Glynda couldn’t hang up, not without: “I’m—I’m sorry. About what I—”

“It’s alright. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay—” The feed cut. Softly, Glynda said again, “Okay.”

GLYNDA DISCOVERS WHY BEING CINDER FALL SUCKS

do u know how hard it is to wake up and play animal crossing whilst knowing this chapter looms over yr shoulder,

OKAY HERE WE GO

She was fidgety; even Cinder mentioned her pacing, shooting a critical eye her way. Glynda sat, intent on stillness; moments later, Cinder mentioned her bouncing leg.

i LOVE it when a chapter calls me out just right out of the gate hahaha who gave u the right

"Really?" How long had they been doing that? How long ago had Cinder noticed? "Should I stay?"

cinder: maybe i should tell glynda abt that /see glynda pacing a dent into the floor cinder: ooooooor i could. NOT give her an excuse to bully them for something to do,

On her way down the street, Glynda couldn't help but stare at the car, its tinted windows revealing nothing within. As she passed it, she kept glancing over her shoulder, expecting an attack or something. But nothing came of it.

HJGDFSGSDFHKGHJDF GLYNDA,,,,,,,,,,, can u imagine being in the white fang, and sittin in yr fuckin. TINTED WINDOWED like BULLETPROOF CAR and yr sat on yr ass watching out for cinder “dumbass” fall and suddenly glynda goodwitch, The Top Bitch, comes out and starts GLARING YR CAR DOWN,,, like ah. i think she knows we’re here. hrm. hm.

i would just like. drive to mcdonalds and get some nuggies at that point.

She had a clutch of flash-images and a wash of emotions and impressions, the raw materials of memory, stored as-is without refining. She was quite used to that—most of her missions were hazy and rough in her memory, mere sketches of events.

i cant wait for glynda to become a vlogger if only so she can actually have physical proof of whatever the fuck happens whenever she goes out and about. get her a go-pro.

It told her: despite her restlessness, despite the arduous journey here, and despite the way Vale seemed to call for her from somewhere beyond the horizon, she felt quite content to be where she was.

the difference having a gf has huh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, u got a whole ass home (being cased by the fang) a real nice city to live in (its floating and atlas wants yr number) a bunch of unread msgs (from a [redacted] who [redacted]) and its a nice day!!! its all coming together. but probably not for very long,

(i got very distracted at this point making a line graph for the animal crossing stalk market so here we go, x2 edition,)

That meant the nightlife would soon begin. She had never liked crowds; too many people, too much input at once. It was hard to focus, to be comfortable.

/chefs kiss

autistic glynda did u kno: id die for u,

Since she’d blocked Ozpin’s number, there was no chance of receiving anything directly from him—but there was still a moment of pause each time she checked her Scroll, as if expecting his smiling face to appear somehow.

OH YEAH LMAO SHE DID THAT SHIT HUH,,,,,,,,,, i still cannot BELIEVE that happened. GOD. cant wait for this to bite her entire ass right off her body,

By the time she reached the top landing, Winter had replied: “I wasn’t aware that you had additional support on this mission, Professor. I will need their full name and Hunter’s license number.”

To answer Cinder Fall and she doesn’t have a license, but she does have several warrants for her arrest felt like inviting Winter to question not only her integrity, but her sanity as well.

SDHGJFKSKGHDJFGJHDKF i cant say what makes this funnier because 👈😎👈 but HOHOHOHOOOOO could u imagine the fallout if she did just, say that shit. if we just went and fuckin said it like it was no biggie--

Finally, Glynda let her shoulders relax, exhaling deeply, like she would before rushing a Grimm. She wrote it plainly: “The clearance is for Cinder Fall.”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MA’AM WHAT THE F U C K

winter rn:

She’d just have to wriggle her way out of having to talk face-to-face, then return the game to a field she felt slightly more comfortable with: text.

okay this is so funny to me cause i just keep thinking of her sending ‘no reason’ to oz. a MASTER of textual conversion. un fucking PARALLELED in this field, UNRIVALLED,

Glynda tossed a look at the door as well, her mouth pulling into a line; what if Cinder came outside? What if—

Could Winter track her exact position using her Scroll signal? She minimized the projection of Winter’s face and hurried off in a random direction the instant she hit the bottom of the stairs.

i LOVE these two because this is the first time we’ve rly seen glynda like. Actively do smthng to defend cinder in this sort of way? she’s been pretty passivve abt letting cinder take the lead when theyre together but on her own shes thinking of all the contingencies to make sure winter cant find cinder and u know what. thats gay. what will u do for yr not-gf when yr talking to someone who would kick her ass in a hot second,

also im TAKING to grab choice lines here to comment upon but honestly this next section is SO GOOD that im rly struggling to find a line to encapsulate how much i am LOVING this convo. i cant say exactly WHY im loving it because again thats 👈😎👈 BUT KNOW THAT THIS IS VERY GOOD FOOD AND I AM ENJOYING IT. and im also enjoying this line a lot

Winter’s voice was decisive: “Professor, if you hang up on me, I am flying to your location—tonight.”

winter: if y’all dont shut the fuck up back there i am turning this car, city, and continent AROUND,

It was the same thing, over and over: people didn’t understand her and she didn’t understand them. It was an exercise in futility that only gave her grief. In the end, she gave up on trying to explain herself. She resigned to being wrong, to always being wrong, even when she knew she wasn’t.

OOF OKAY WHAT THE HELL IS UP W/ THIS FIC AND CALLOUTS. HUH??? ME BITCH!!! I FEEL THAT!! AND IT SUCKS,

/reads the next bit

oh are we donning our tinfoil hats? we’re donning our tinfoil hats.

It was so easy. Glynda didn’t stumble over her words even once; didn’t waver. She was built for doing harm. Her anger burned hot and clean; it excised all the hurt like a malignant tumor.

Maybe she really had learned something from Cinder—channeling her frustration, her guilt, her pain, all of it into anger like this was something Glynda was new to. But it felt good. She leaned into it, letting it take the reins; the distressing memories vanished like wisps of smoke, vaporized by the heat of her wrath.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS god this is. SO EXCITING. i also love it when ppl rub off one one another its my FAV thing in the WORLD and this anger is. WOO. this anger is. DANDY. its also a very short-term burst of pleasure glynda so enjoy that hollowed-out whoopsie feeling that i sure get when i Blow Up,

“She butchered my friend!” Winter snarled, the camera shaking as she slapped the desk. “She butchered my friend in the streets like he was cattle! And I have done everything in my power to help you! Everything! To keep her from doing the same to you, and you’ve blown me off or lied or—” Winter’s voice snagged. “And now you tell me—you accuse me—”

It was early evening in Umbraroot, but it must already be night in Atlas. The shadows revealed the unclean angles of Winter’s face: the bruises of exhaustion under her eyes, the lines of stress at the corners of her mouth.

im sorry im just copy-pasting wholesale at this point but OH this is GOOD. i cant rly explain. like. the difference-- because you’d think from the og version this is just a bit more flavouring right? its like getting a bit of hot sauce on yr chicken wings and yr like ‘okay it adds smthng but its not like a side meal’ BUT IT IS A SIDE MEAL this is like a whole basket of fuckin. cheese-baked fries. winter DESERVES this screentime she DESERVES to have presence in this fic and OH does she USE IT im LIVINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Glynda wanted anger. She wanted fire and brimstone. She wanted a fight.

What she got was the glisten of tears on pale lashes. A hand covering Winter’s trembling mouth.

The ashy taste of remorse in her throat.

THERES THAT HOLLOWED-OUT WHOOPSIE FEELING!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE IT IS RIGHT ON TIME. its like CLOCKWORK,

She didn’t have anything. Nothing against that. The possibility that Winter might truly care what happened to her had been so insignificantly small and easy to trample. She had forgotten about the losses Winter shouldered the moment Cinder had whispered inheritance.

it’s just like clockwork,

also this chapter feels lengthy but maybe its just cause i got distracted with animal crossing so ill have to do a wordcount check at the end

/checks

no its lengthy this is a thicc one,

“I know,” Glynda said. “I know. I know how this sounds. But she’s the only person who makes me feel like—like I make sense.” In her mind, Glynda lay in the darkness of Cinder’s bedroom, watching the glaze of streetlights along her lips as she said you.

you,,,,,,,,, we,,,,,,,,,,,, our,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, its all that gay shit,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“If I’ve learned anything, it’s that Cinder Fall is a tremendous liar. She could convince you it is raining in Vacuo, given enough time. Two years ago, I was working on the Argus base, where I met her as a client; she told me she was a merchant seeking entrance into Atlas—she had all her documents in order, her entire persona set up, and she sold it perfectly. She was flawless—and all of it was fake. She gave me no reason to doubt her. She was—”

Winter cut herself off, abruptly. Then: “Once I was comfortable and safe, she burned down my office and murdered my friend.”

YES,,, SLOWLY THE LORE PIECES TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! winter is once bitten twice shy, but mayhaps we mean,,, once burnt,,,, twice shy,,,,,,,,,, hrmmmm,

Glynda told Winter everything.

OH MAN,,,, we’re really getting this messy fucking trio up in this bitch i am SO excited. i am THRILLED. here! we! go!!!!!!!!!! also i said it before but again im so glad winter gets to Be Here for this. sure this has nothing to do w/ her destiny or w/e but shes here now. shes in the uber. she waiting outside.

The dying potted plant Glynda had spotted last time on the back wall’s shelf had been replaced with a new one; this one’s leaves were beginning to shrivel at the ends.

dsfjhhkljsdf side note: is this like that scene in finding nemo where all the new fish see the niece and go ‘oh no we’re gonna die’ but instead its plants getting taken into winters office? they go ‘im sorry, mate, but once you go into her office, you come out TOTALLY dead,’

okay so this whole convo happened and if i try to pick one section ill end up picking it all AAAAAAAAAAAAAA im dying out here. WINTER BLEASE,,, BELIEVE THAT SOMETIMES CINDER CAN TELL A HALF-LIE. A SORTA-TRUTH. A SEMI-HEMI-DEMI HONESTY,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

How different would that mission have gone? How different would her life have been?

She found herself saying, “He had so many chances to tell me. Instead, he let me think I was reckless. That I was a danger to other people. I stopped working in teams. I didn’t have many people in my life to begin with, but afterwards was worse. He saw to it that he was all I had, and he let me think it was my fault.”

ROBLOXOOFNOISEDISTORTEDWITHDELAY.MP4

OOF!!!!!!! O O F!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! honestly OOF that shit HURTS BITCH!!!!!!! thats BANANAS. WILD. im also loving (hating???) the increase of painful glynda lore and honestly everyone feels like they have So Much More that builds them up and im THRIVING off it. im also suffering for it.

With the video feed closed, Glynda could see she had new notifications. Missed calls. From Cinder.

Glynda’s stomach lurched. She stowed her Scroll before she could think about them.

At the mouth of the alley, she could see the shape of Cinder’s apartment in the distance. She stood there for a long time, staring, uncertain what to do with her hands, unsure what to do with her heart. Her jaw flexed. She remembered the tears on Winter’s lashes. The friend she’d lost.

Glynda took her first step toward the apartment.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and so the soft domestic shit ends. but nowhere near as explosively as id thought???????? HUH. H U H. must b because we’re gearing up for smthng honk honk honk

ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. this chap was SO good its astonishing (despite the [several] times i got distracted by animal crossing rip me). WINTER!!!!!!!! BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe this disaster trio is coming together. also cant wait for glynda to tell cinder the shit she just pulled. oh no,

(also the wordcount was 5,931. just in case u were curious)

[szopenhauer]

Is it easy to find a job in your preferred field in your hometown?           preferred field *chuckle*

Ladies: Would you ever consider proposing? If not, why not? Gentlemen: How would you feel, if you were proposed to?     yes, I have an idea

Have you ever played the original Mass Effect trilogy?           I haven’t

If so, which Shepard and who do you like romancing the best? -             

Let’s say there’s a person in need. They need money which they can’t make. Would you be more likely to help them out, if a celebrity asked you to?       celebs should help them, not me, I need help myself!

When you go to a restaurant, do you have a go-to dish? Or do you always try out something new? usually

Would you rather live next to a kindergarten or an old folks’ home?       old folks’ home for sure

What is the best part of your most ordinary day?   sleeping :x

Do you enjoy being on your own or are you happier when there’s a crowd around you?           I’m a loner/introvert

Do you ever look up what foreign idioms mean?     yep

What’s the strangest saying you’ve come across? I don’t recall atm

What’s a First World problem that you have?         hmm...

Have you ever made a parody version of a popular song?     me and my sister were doing puppet shows for our parents, mostly her ideas as she was forcing me to perform those until I got sick of that

Which game did you play the most as a kid during recess? nie bawiłam się w większość gier przez brak zdrowia, ale lubiłam plac z huśtawkami czy drabinkami, albo udawać rodzinę/dom i te fajne białe “krateczki” z kolorowymi “guziczkami” co jak się je wpinało w dziurki to układało się z nich obrazki (nie pamiętam nazwy)

Is there a pattern on the pants you’re currently wearing? Which one? there isn’t

Does your mother annoy you when the holidays come along in the year? my mom annoys me all the time lol Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? I’m too short but I manage and still some ppl sometimes ask me for help anyway Do you check the texture of things first or the smell of them? used to smell them but now just texture Have you ever broken the arm or head off of a figurine? How did you do this? I’m no Chunk :P

Do you believe in superstitious things such as breaking a mirror? I wouldn’t do that on purpose but I don’t believe in most of the superstitions, luckily there are some things you can do to avoid bad luck like throw salt over your shoulder or knock on non painted wooden thingy etc. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bi polar all the time? I’m sick of ppl who use mental and physical illnesses as excuses when they don’t have them - single headache ain’t a migraine nor being an ass makes you a border, shut up! Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you?  more than once Do you like those ‘end of the world,’ ‘Armageddon’ movies? some are good, some not Ever been choked severely on something? just a feather Has anyone ever compared you to an animal? Which one(s)? several like monkey, raccoon or cat Ever been in one of those church Christmas plays before? Why/why not? I didn’t participate but I watched/looked at them when I was younger Have you ever thrown a roll of toilet paper at someone before? ... why? Have you ever found yourself talking to an inanimate object? at times I talk to my computer (because I hate it so we argue), kettle and fridge, also my stuffed animals of course Something on the human body that grosses you out the most: penis Ever think of what it would be like to be a mermaid or merman? I thought and I wouldn’t like it besides maybe finding some cool stuff that drown  What is something that bothers you about most surveys in general? creators lack imagination, they ask the same stuff over and over again, it’s boring What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? red Ever want to be a doctor? Is it because of all the hospital shows? noooo Do you like drawing smiley faces or do you think they’re overrated? rarely and I’m ashamed of that tbh Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? hell no but I’m not that bad at it Do you hardly ever remember where you put things at? I have good memory when it comes to that most of the time - not counting my green scissors grrrr Where did you last buy socks from? What do those socks look like? Archelan - Christmas themed and fuzzy  Do you ever lay in the grass and look up at the sky, just because? not as often as I’d like to? Are you afraid of being kidnapped if you go outside at nighttime? raped, killed or robbed more likely Do you like showers or baths better? Why did you choose your choice? baths as I like to sit and I don’t like the glass nor have water over my head  Are you a controversial person? Do your views oppose others? it seems Have you ever thrown a surprise party for someone? Who for? nah, I dislike surprises and there weren’t opportunities/possibilities to do that Do you tap fingernails on desks? hardly ever Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? vocalist (who can play instruments) but I have no talent but don’t worry, it was a childish dream that fade away when I found out more about live of a band member Do you ever call your cousins just to talk to them randomly? nope, we don’t talk, just say HI if anything  Do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? yep Do you ever had to wash your clothes at someone else’s house? camp When is the next time you’ll go to the library? Why is this? we’ll see, covid situation isn’t helpful and I can’t focus on books lately Do you treat others as you’d like to be treated? Have you always? I treat them how they treat me (not authority figures/dangerous ppl tho) Were you a really mean kid or a sweet and quiet kid? sweet and quiet Are you someone who likes to get in arguments or fights a lot? I don’t like to but I still end up arguing, sigh... How do you make sure people know you don’t like them at all? avoid them, block them, ignore them fight with them when they don’t stay away (not physically yet)

How much was the cell phone you have at this moment in time? about 200 PLN  What would you do if you woke up randomly with purple hair? cool but wonder how that happened What color is the closest desk to your body? What all is on it? ugly light brown with shitload of stuff The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? gonna have it soon so don’t remind me Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? aliens tried to abduct me in dreams but didn’t succeed ha!  What would you say is the color of your favorite bra? white Do you like people who are loud or people who are quiet? not too tiring but not completely silent either Does personality weigh out the sense of ‘good looks?’ look is important but not as much as personality for sure, it’s like 1:9 I think Do you hate it when people copy the things you do? could say so Has anyone ever told you that you’re good at cooking? r u kidding?... Do you have any enemies who you think are dangerous? anyone can be Do you ever try to squeeze information out of people? Konrad once told me I’m like a private detective about it because I’m so sneaky they don’t realize until it’s too late but I sadly forget infos quickly due to stress last months so it’s not as useful as it sounds Does it freak you out when the police drive/walk by? somehow Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? I don’t drive Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? I had a friend who was a firefighter

Have you ever woken up to a good morning letter beside you? left in the kitchen but informative like - I went there or feed the dog etc. Would you ever get your nails done? I can do them myself if I ever want to

Are you afraid of worms? maggots Do you wear rings on your thumb? why not How many shirts of yours are red? less than 5 Does the color red look good on you? my first therapist told me I should wear it to be more brave but it causes anger in me so I prefer not to Do you pray before every meal? Sunday lunch with parents Have you ever been caught cheating on a test? not caught but been cheating in high school How many white tank tops do you own? 0? Do loud people bother you? omg YES Does your head itch? not currently but frequently Do you know anyone named John? my ex friend had a nickname like this Have you ever tried the cinnamon challenge? I’m not stupid Are you a fast runner? like Gimli Did you ever want a pet rabbit? no way

Do you ever want to own a house? apartment more likely How do you feel about men? blergh Do you know any police officers? my neighbor was a police officer Have you ever signed a petition? lots Have you ever aspired to start your own business? I wish Who is the oldest person living in the same building as you? mom The youngest? me Would you rather pay with cash or card? cash, cards make me nervous Have you ever used a pager? I have not Do you like visiting the beach? beachcombing is fun Do you like to buy things? but not spend money lmfao Have you ever been in a polygamous relationship? I didn’t know that I apparently am - jk Is there anyone you haven’t spoken to in a long time but you still think about daily? my grandma for example Would you like to be rich? not filthy, having enough money to live and not barely survive

have you ever behaved like a stalker? *crickets* can you lie and keep a straight face? poker face game strong when situation calls for it

have you ever feared for somebody else’s life? especially dad’s do you prefer honesty, even when it hurts? hard to tell if you could pick your own pet name, what would it be? picked my dog’s  have you ever masturbated while driving? wtf, don’t do that, gross how do you feel when someone takes the last of something? without asking? *cringe* how do you feel when people tell you “bless you” when you sneeze? thank you unless I sneeze many times in a row and they bless me every single time - then it’s annoying what are you supposed to say when somebody coughs? r u ok? have you ever committed a violent crime because of a video game or rap song? who said I play/listen to those? have you ever actually overheard one of your friends talking shit about you? possibly how many partners is too many? at once or in your entire life? do you believe that wearing an aluminum foil hat will stop the government from reading your thoughts? that reminds me of the RED movie XD

would you rather have a hook for a hand or a peg leg? peg leg 100% elseway I’d end up with an eye cover as well if you know what I mean bonus points for/to being a pirate tho how close does someone have to be for you to feel obligated to wait and hold the door for them? either right behind me or carry heavy/big load do you examine the tissue after you blow your nose? for example when I worry about it bleeding  what is your cure for the hiccups? wait

Do you miss Brittany Murphy’s appearance in films? awwww she was such a good actress RIP

Is Christmas stressful? to me it is but I’m stressed 24/7

Do you make your own smoothies or juices? meh

Do you think time really does heal all? NO

Are you more sensitive to heat or the cold? cold

Did you care at all when Steve Jobs died? ... he died?

Has anyone searched your room for anything recently? my mother for dirty laundry

When do you decorate for Christmas? as soon as possible

Would you be cool with wearing sweatpants to the grocery store? yes

Have you ever been pranked via a hidden camera? am glad that didn’t happen 

Do you know any of those people who are depressed during the winter? I’m depressed year round

If a job makes you unhappy, do you choose to stay or leave? if I can change it without ending up on the street then I leave

How does your being here in the universe change humanity for the better? nothing? Who is a person that you don’t like yet you spend time with? my family member[s] How is your relationship with money? we don’t see each other as often as I’d like to ;) get it?  How do you feel about growing old someday? won’t live that long

Are you wearing two shirts? too hot for that Have you ever owned the socks with toes on them? disgusting! Can you point out constellations in the night sky? I can not What was your favorite part about studying ancient Greeks and Romans? not interested What’s the last thing you bought at a mall? food, antibacterial gel and a blanket

Is there someone who you can turn to for money and not be ashamed? parents but I’ll feel crappy about it  Have you ever swam in a river? as a child Are there any dirty clothes underneathe your bed? ewww seriously?  What food do you love the smell of while it’s cooking? smells make me sick In what month do you start Christmas shopping? I seek presents whole year then store them for later Have you ever had a crush on a celebrity of the same sex? as a lesbian What kind of flowers would you plant in your garden? bushes, grass, moss and trees, wild flowers, if they want to grow, can stay  Do you believe that kids should be taught abstinence? I agree When’s the next time you’ll go to the grocery store? not in next weeks

Where’s your car keys? not applicable Did you keep any momentos of school dances? pics Do you still have clothes from your high school? and middle school  Do you think you could do better drawings than Napolean Dynamite? this question...

Do you own anything skull print? had a shirt that I gave to John ages ago Who are the three people you consider yourself closest to? parents and my gf Which ex of yours means the most to you? my partner as we’re back together Have you taken prescription medications that didn’t belong to you? oh well... How are your social skills? awkward Have you ever stayed at a hotel for longer than two months? I’m poor Do you ever go outside to look at the stars? there were some days in past summers when me and dad been going to stadium for a walk at night, that’s when and where we saw UFO  Who breaks away from the kiss first? she as she forgets to breathe  Do you know what you weigh? thx for a reminder - they’ll ask in hospital Have you ever smoked anything other than tobacco? one cigarette was all that I smoked in me life Have you ever ridden on the back of a motorcycle? nope Do you say koala bear or simply koala? koala  Do you usually travel anywhere in the winter? I’d freeze brrr Do you wait for someone else to take the garbage out when it’s full? we take turns Are most of your friends white? it’s not America so...

Does your hair reach your boobs? not even my shoulders

What’s something that fills you with anxiety? what doesn’t?...

What age do you think is too old to still live with your parents? there’s no expiration date

Have you ever watched Bob’s Burgers? fragments

Has a teacher ever caught and read a note you were passing in class? I wasn’t that much of a note passer 

Do you know anyone who is afraid of horses? nah

Do you clean things that are already clean when you’re bored? tha hell?...

Would you rather live in a tropical or arctic climate? tropical

What do you do when someone overweight complains about being overweight? I say it’s important to be healthy but weight isn’t always a sign of being ill

Is there any Irish, Scottish, or Danish in your heritage? none that I know of

Do you find Asians attractive? yes and no

Have either of your parents ever been to jail? nooooo

Keep Calm and Carry On or Screw Calm and Get Angry? there’s time for one of each?

Do you think Urban Outfitters is overpriced? like every other similar store 

Are your colarbones prominent? yeah

Have you ever in your life worn overalls? I have indeed

How did you react when you heard Whitney Houston had died? sorry but I didn’t care

Do you think Helena Bonham Carter is attractive? she is

Would you rather listen to Dolly Parton or Dusty Springfield? Dolly

Are you watching The Walking Dead? I’m scared of zombies and gore 

Are you a light sleeper? became lighter

Would you consider cuddling cheating? it’s complicated

What does the purse/bag you last used look like? it’s black with red embroidery and white beads

Can you make a clover with your tongue? impossible

What’s your favorite coffee brand/flavor? I don’t drink coffee

Is your belly button pierced? no piercings!

[neokollection]

NSFW A - Z ㅡ Kun

Taeil  -  Johnny  -  Taeyong  -  Yuta  -  Kun  -  Doyoung  -  Jungwoo  -  Lucas

A/N: Mark is next on the list so stop bugging me about him-

A - Aftercare

You already knowwwwwwwwwwwww Mr. Qian Kun comes in first place when it comes to aftercare! He really takes care of his babe because it’s just his sense of duty in and out of the bedroom. He cleans up any mess he may have made on you or goes to the bathroom to discard his condom [bc safe sex] and uses a wet wipe or something to wipe himself down- Plus he puts back on his boxers or sweats as so he can climb back into bed with you and make sure he doesn’t get anything anywhere. He’ll have one knee back on the bed before he asks if you want anything- He also is a lil bit of a nagger for you to take care of yourself after, like coaxing you to go to the bathroom instead of falling asleep. Ready to start a shower for you or pamper you with snuggles. The rest of the day/night he’s abnormally clingy and naggy and touchy.

B - Body Part [ their favorite body part on their s/o and/or on them ]

On his S/O..... He seems like a thigh kind of guy. REALLY INTO things like garter belts, thigh highs, fishnet, etc... He can appreciate them with and without clothes on- He enjoys just casually running his hands up the backs of them when you walk around in just a hoodie and shorts, letting his fingertips slip beneath the hem of your shorts a lil bit before giving your thighs a squeeze. On himself... He has a lot of good traits, but he knows his smile kills and blinds. It’s not sexual, but I’m sure on a sexual aspect he like his teeth and the effect they have on you when used the right way.

C - Cum

He seems artistic to me and one to take special pride in his paintings. Okay, he’s not doing it for aesthetics obviously, but I think cum has a very significant symbolism to him. When it’s on you it’s a symbol of his, you’re his and he’s e only one who gets to do this to you- When it’s on the sheets on his hands it’s a symbol of what you do to him, because he definitely was thinking about your mouth around him when he was wanking off- He’s a good caretaker tho in that he’ll always clean up pretty quickly after and won’t ever ask to do something he deems too messy like on your face or hair-

D - Dirty Secret

He’s so kind and caring, but there’s a part of him that’s a tad sadistic... He may not even be aware of it himself and it may just come out occasionally in small things he does when he becomes a little rougher- Pulling your hair harder than he should, shoving you to the bed unceremoniously with his playful little smile, purposefully overstimulating you sometimes while he grits his teeth. You’d just kind of wait for the day when he lets it out and is rougher- It’s exciting, but also a little scary to be honest. Maybe he knows he has the small sadistic desire in him and keeps it on a leash, but has the most unholy thoughts to himself in the shower...

E - Experience [ how experienced they are ]

He’s really hard to read.... He’s got experience I feel, but he can always learn more-

F - Favorite Position

Um I don’t know what it’s called? Maybe lotus position??? When the two of you are sitting upright and your facing him in his lap. Sometimes he’ll be leaning against the headboard or back of the sofa and sometimes hunched forward just hugging you. It’s a very intimate position since the two of you can face each other and have skin contact literally everywhere/

G - Goofy

In the beginning defo is flirty and a little silly by teasing, but as time progresses through the night he def becomes a lot more passionate and focused.

H - Hair [ how well they manscape ]

I have no clue. Not that much? Unless it’s rlllllly unruly.

I - Intimacy [ romance-wise ]

Super romantic. Nothing is too good for you in his eyes~ If you want it, he’ll go the full 9 yards and bring wine, roses, and dim the lights. Physical intimacy is something

J - Jack Off

I feel like not that often? Like I think he usually has soft thoughts about his S/O [unless you’re being naughty...]. In his case I think it’s more like he gets boners kinda randomly, from exercising or something that has his cardio up.. And when he takes care of it because it just won’t let him ignore it, he thinks of the last time you two were intimate. 

K - Kink

Lingerie doesn’t count as a kink, right?? He’s into some common-place roleplays like police or teacher, but always ends up laughing anyway... A lil bit of sadism so if you invite him to choke you or be rough he’s thanking the heavens bc he couldn’t suggest it himself. Marking and being marked- He acts like it’s a pain to cover them up, but he enjoys it immensely.

L - Location [ their favorite place to have sex ]

Bed But in the back of a car is hot too

M - Motivation [ turn-ons ]

Anything sexual lmao, When he hasn’t seen you in a while, Revealing clothes/ short skirts, yoga pants, v-cut shirts, shoulder-less, etc... When you let your hands linger on him .05 seconds longer than necessary, even on his shoulders- he starts craving more skinship

N - NO [ turn-offs ]

No one else can join or watch And nothing too odd like weird roleplays or costumes, he couldn’t stop himself from laughing/

O - Oral

Feels a little bad asking for it from you because he doesn’t want to burden you and/or feels like females don’t actually enjoy it and just put on an act--- Plus he’s more of a giver anyway- But when he does receive he’s such a mess. He can’t keep down his voice or his little moans that slip out- It’s just otherworldly. He’s pretty good about not bucking his hips or grabbing your hair tho and instead grabs whatever else is around him. When giving oh man- He’s a tease at first, asking you if you like it and wanting you to spell out what you like because you’re cute when flustered with vulgar words. Definitely adds in fingers too and overstimulates you in the end accidentally just trying to prolong your orgasm. I mean when he eats out he eats out yo

P - Pace

Two modes; He can be sensual and slow when he first gets in you- But I think eventually he ends up picking up a pretty steady pace. Stroke game A+ Skin slaps before he starts to slow it down again and prolly kiss and murmur things before he picks up again.

Q - Quickies

Not really his thing. The idea of them is hot and imagining lifting up your dress and fucking in the back of Lucas’ closet is hot, but when it comes to practicality he’s not into it. It can stay as a fantasy for him. He doesn’t want to feel rushed. He wants to convey all of his feelings and take his time feeling you up and the sensations you give him. Plus he’d be a bussy about getting caught tbh.... He doesn’t want anyone other than himself to see you like that and doesn’t want to feel embarrassed either. So, even if your tugging on his belt loop with needy eyes, he’ll transfer your hand into his own with a soft smile and whisper ‘later’.

R - Risk [ comfort zone ]

I mean I kinda just detailed some of it. He’s not very risky when it comes to doing it in public- Nor does he like introducing other ppl to it- He like it to be in an environment he knows with just you so he can focus and not worry about someone walking in.

S - Stamina [ another round? ]

Nahh?? But maybe some days

T - Toy [ their favorite toys ]

I don’t see him as a toy kinda guy But maybe something like a vibrator he’d have fun with.

U - Unfair [ how they enjoy teasing & being teased ]

So teasing in his words... He tries to make you flustered or admit to something so it gives him the upper hand and he can chuckle at you. Doesn’t seem like one to tease much physically and rather would give you exactly what you want so much so you’d want him to chill- I don’t think he’d stand for being teased much, so good luck with that

V - Volume

Dude Kinda noisy--- He makes all kinds of sounds on the spectrum and can’t seem to keep himself quiet in most cases when he should be. Heavy breathing too that’s right in your ear or against your shoulder. The quiet thing about him is his voice, he keeps it low and quiet, as if he’d ruin the atmosphere by talking any louder. Usually, when it’s just the two of you he doesn’t mind being more vocal and stops trying to quiet himself.

W - Wild Card [ authors choice ]

He has no qualms with experimenting.. But, I think he’d be more open to letting you experiment with/on him than suggesting his own ideas. He’s down for mostly anything as long as it’s with you and him and physical contact- So if you wanna climb on top, be his guest- If you want him to call you a slut will do. He likes seeing where your imagination can go and with it usually brings a new sensation he enjoys. No kink shame here, as long as you’re not in the oddity realm of like furries and stuff

X - X-Ray [ what kind of package ]

Thicc

Y - Yearning [ sex drive ]

Not that crazy high- He keeps it under wraps a lot of times, but he is still a pervert,,, making suggestive remarks and getting a hit on the shoulder in return, but usually it doesn’t lead to anything happening. But like... he’s easy in that if you’re ever in the mood he becomes too.

Z - Zzz [ after ]

Whale, like we said earlier, he takes care of you after the fact, so he’s usually up after a minute of recuperating. I feel like he’d be active after still, he seems like a busy-body... Unless it’s like 3am.. then he climbs back into bed and just holds you and share murmurs. If you’re talkative he is too, but if you’re tired, he’ll let you rest and thus rest himself.

[seigyokus]

10.4 - A Looming Threat

Idolish Seven - Part 3, Chapter 10.4 For more Part 3 translations, click here!

Translation below the cut!

Nanase Riku: ......All of this must be really hard on Ten-nii. He loves TRIGGER so much, and really treasures them after all. Nanase Riku: He was acting like everything was normal, but I bet it's taking a toll on him more than anyone else.... Izumi Mitsuki: Some people know what's going on. There's a couple of people commenting on how something's off about this whole ordeal online. Izumi Mitsuki: But why... Why are all these TV stations dragging TRIGGER when they're the ones who've seen them up close and in person? Rokuya Nagi: What an awful turn of events. Those who are truly interested in TRIGGER have been proactively reading up on them on their own. Rokuya Nagi: However, those who only know TRIGGER in passing will absorb whatever is given to them by the news. They'll end up with a biased understanding of TRIGGER. Izumi Iori: Companies cast for their shows based off of the public's perception of a group. Izumi Iori: At this rate, if TRIGGER's brand continues to be perceived negatively, it will also affect their state of being in this industry. Izumi Iori: Has President Yaotome taken that into consideration?

Yaotome Sousuke: ...Dammit! Every single goddamn one! They used to beg for TRIGGER to be on their shows! Yaotome Sousuke: ...Mister Shimooka's music show is right around the corner, and I know he sees TRIGGER in a positive light. If we can turn the tides with this.... Yaotome Sousuke: I'm counting on you, Gaku.... TRIGGER....

Mister Shimooka: And now for our next guest, TRIGGER! Kujou Ten: Thank you for having us. Tsunashi Ryuunosuke: We look forward to performing here today. Mister Shimooka: So, I heard you guys are unveiling your new single next week at the Tokyo International Festival of Music and Arts in Zero Arena. That's amazing! Yaotome Gaku: Thank you. A wide variety of musical genres will be presented at the festival, so we'd really like to focus our energies and get even better for this event. Mister Shimooka: What a manly answer! That's Yaotome-kun, for ya! I bet you're a real hit with the ladies. Must've gotten it from your father, huh? Yaotome Gaku: I-- ....... Nanase Riku: A nervous energy pulsed through the studio. Nanase Riku: Both Ten-nii and Tsunashi-san were frozen in place. Nanase Riku: Mister Shimooka-san had been so kind and welcoming to us all, but his insinuating words brought the scandal to the forefront. Nanase Riku: After all, Mister Shimooka-san was part of Tsukumo Productions.

Yaotome Sousuke: ....... This is outrageous.... Yaotome Sousuke: Everyone has cut Yaotome Productions and TRIGGER off, and now he has too.... Does this mean they've all sided with Tsukumo? Yaotome Sousuke: Cowards! The times have changed! Why can't they understand that!? The age of Tsukumo and Hoshikage was over long ago! Yaotome Sousuke: ....... It was supposed to be over....

Yaotome Gaku: I, uh.... Izumi Mitsuki: I dunno about Yaotome, but I take after my grandma! Izumi Mitsuki: We look so similar, that whenever I look at old photos I'm like, "Woah! That's me!" I hate to say this myself, but she was gorgeous!

Man: Damn, it was just getting good.... That dude is trying way too hard to stand out. Woman: Hmm? Man: That Izumi Mitsuki guy from IDOLiSH7 butted in right when Mister Shimooka was asking Yaotome a good question. Woman: Oh, yeah. Izumi Mitsuki just loves to talk.

TRIGGER Fan: Oh.... He deflected the question for him.... TRIGGER Fan: It's okay now, Gaku-san.... Thank you so much, Mitsuki-kun....

Mister Shimooka: ...Ahaha! Really, now! I know you're an adult, but you're so cute, Mitsuki-kun! What do ya think, Yaotome-kun? Yaotome Gaku: He's super cute. But he's kind of dad inside, y'know? Izumi Mitsuki: Hey, what do you mean by that! I've bet you've got some dad in ya too! Kujou Ten: I definitely see it. Yaotome Gaku: Haha, shut up! Mister Shimooka: Hahaha! Both of you are grown men, so I guess that's to be expected! I'm already an old man, so that explains why we get along! Nanase Riku: The atmosphere of the studio changed after Mitsuki interrupted the conversation. Nanase Riku: Mister Shimooka-san boomed with laughter, more so than usual. Perhaps in relief, perhaps in apology. Nanase Riku: The whole time, Yaotome-san's fist was clenched tightly where it rested upon his leg. Mister Shimooka: Get ready, TRIGGER! Kujou Ten: Yes, sir. Nanase Riku: Everyone's eyes followed their backs as the three of them made their way to the stage. Nanase Riku: Even under the cold gaze of the audience, Ten-nii, Yaotome-san, and Tsunashi-san turned to face them. Nanase Riku: The stage lights were so bright, I couldn't see what their expressions were. Nanase Riku: But the voices that rang through the venue belonged to TRIGGER-- as proud and powerful as we remembered. Nanase Riku: They were trying to pierce through and reach the future.

Mister Shimooka: And that was TRIGGER's "Last Dimension!" Now, up next we have.... Momo: Shimooka-chan.... Yuki: ...Shimooka-san has a family and many trainees under his care. TRIGGER understands that too.... Momo: Back when it was Yamato, they were up against Hoshikage.... That, and it was hard for anyone to bash them since they'd be going against a world-famous actor. Momo: But this time, it's Tsukumo Productions versus Yaotome Productions, which is below Tsukumo in power. Momo: On top of that, there was that whole ordeal where Yaotome Productions "stole" a famous singer from Tsukumo, despite owing a lot to them. Momo: Putting aside what's true or not, it's easy to fall victim to Ryou's psychological ploys. You can't help but think, "There's nothing else I can do." Yuki: I know there's people out there who are strongly against his ways. There has to be. Momo: They're definitely there. I'm in contact with all of them, and-- Re:vale's TV Show Producer: Great work today, guys.... Momo: Thank you! ...What's wrong? Re:vale's TV Show Producer: I might be jumping the gun a bit, but…. I just wanted to make my rounds and say goodbye to everyone. They’re transferring me to Kyushu, so I won’t be on the show's production staff anymore. Re:vale's TV Show Producer: I really loved working on this show, and I wish I could've stayed on for just a bit longer.... Once things calm down, you should call me over for baseball again sometime, Momo-chan. Momo: ....... Yuki: I'll talk to them about it. It's not right without you on the team. Re:vale's TV Show Producer: Those words are more than enough for me. Please do your best and give everyone a great time from here on out as well. Momo: Why is this happening.... I told you to trash talk me to those people, didn’t I…? Re:vale's TV Show Producer: Ahaha, there's no way I could do that. I could never talk badly about you, Momo-chan. Re:vale's TV Show Producer: TRIGGER hasn't done anything wrong either. No other talents in this industry take their jobs as seriously as those three. They passionately, earnestly, and truly love their fans and their work. Re:vale's TV Show Producer: They did their best to make things as easy as possible for the staff the one time they guested on our show. It was a really, really great episode. Remember that? Momo: ....... *sniff* .... Re:vale's TV Show Producer: I want to make good shows. And I won't lie, even if it’ll further my cause. I…. I couldn't lie. I knew what would happen, so don't cry. Momo: ...I'll bring you back to Tokyo. I swear. Until then, I'll keep on standing here-- even if I have to eat dirt. I promise.... Yuki: If you ever run into trouble, don't hesitate to reach out to us. Re:vale will always have your back. Re:vale's TV Show Producer: Yeah.... Thank you. I'm really proud I was able to work with you two, Re:vale. ...Fight on, Momo-chan, Yuki-kun. door closes Yuki: Momo.... Are you okay? Momo: Yuki.... Yuki: Yeah.... Momo: ....... I'm this close to snapping. Yuki: You took the words right out of my mouth.

Tsukumo Ryou: Soon, it shall be complete. Midou Torao: What are you talking about? Tsukumo Ryou: Oh, fear not-- I’m referring to TRIGGER, not ŹOOĻ. Tsukumo Ryou: TRIGGER pulled out of SoundShip at the last minute. The first time is fine-- unexpected circumstances happen all the time. However, once happens a second time, they'll be seen as incompetent and impertinent. Tsukumo Ryou: There’s a shining chance for TRIGGER to repair their image-- neither Re:vale nor IDOLiSH7 will be appearing at the Tokyo International Festival of Music and Arts, a high-brow and formal affair. (1) Tsukumo Ryou: TRIGGER lose their place at that event-- I’ll make sure of it. Natsume Minami: And how will you accomplish this? I'm certain they are also aware that this is a chance for them to recover from their current predicament. Tsukumo Ryou: You see, before I became the president of an entertainment agency, I used to dabble in trading alongside some rather dangerous fellows. I can use those connections.... Tsukumo Ryou: ...To abduct TRIGGER. Inumaru Touma: ...Hey. I ain't getting involved in anything criminal. Tsukumo Ryou: Ahaha! Oh, we won't be involved at all. TRIGGER are very famous stars-- it'll be the work of a couple stalkers, so to speak. Isumi Haruka: Hmph. Isumi Haruka: ...I don't care. If that's what it'll take to see that brat and his father in tears, then go ahead. Isumi Haruka: I want him to reject everything he's ever worked for and despair.

To be continued....

TL notes/comments:

Thank you @kuriiii and Bicky (@denego_ on twitter) for betaing!!!!! There’s a lot you don’t catch even after 2-5 rereads, some of which u do muttering under ur breath at 1AM so honestly bless their souls!!! 

(1) Ryou uses 硬派 to describe the tokyo m&a festival; I've mostly seen this word used in terms of like political parties, where you have hard-liners (frm the definition of the word), or very ppl very staunch in their belief of ___. In terms of music shows, I'd extrapolate this to mean an event that's very formal and rooted in tradition/rules, which would be kind of like the Grammy's wrt an american equivalent, since awards aren't thrown around willy nilly and it's a Big Deal to get invited there, etcetc. Like there's a whole formal process involved. That kind of 'hardcore'!

IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK!! Thank you again for all of your patience and putting up with months of radio silence on my end. I put up a poll on twitter, and the plan is to prioritize Part 4, but crank out as much of Part 3 in the downtime between parts! WISH ME LUCK FJSJDF

As usual, if you see any mistakes/mistranslations/etc, please message me!

Thank you for reading!!

[saportuh]

ok panic concert highlights

(plus some personal adventures)

this was the portland show on the 12th k

so it was a fuckin hour and a half drive bc where i fuckin live now is far away from everything i hate it anyway that sucked & i ran my phone down to 80 percent during said drive which proved problematic

we get there (me & my lil sis) & our dad drops us off & we run up & im bitching about how weird the fucking venue is (it’s normal, it’s just not what i’m used to - in vegas the venues were typically in the casino/resorts so you lined up inside the halls & sat against the walls & tourist-watched, in this venue u stood outside in a line???? ughhh)

so we approach the line & something happens, i’m gonna make a separate post about it because holy shit

befriended two excitable gay kids, maybe 8th or 9th grade?? & i was like woah i was u once. now im old & jaded. eugh. then they bailed on me so.

we got into the arena & were on the wrong fucking side so we had to JOG all the way AROUND THE WHOLE FUCKINGN PLACE UGH

THEN WE GOT IN & SAT IN THE WRONG SEATS so the guy next to me (dad w a thick accent, maybe ukranian?? it wasn’t russian but it was close) politely informed me & i was like fuck well until they get here we’ll stay, but i had anxiety so during an arizona song i pretended to go to the bathroom & came back to look for our actual seat, someone took it so i pussied out & went back, had hella anxiety about it, then before hayley the ppl showed up so we had to move & i had to kick some preps out of their seat & they called my lil sister a bitch ;-;

OK SO ONTO THE PERFORMERS

arizona was cute, gotta check them out... singer kept getting emotional & wiping his eyes, it was sweet, and he was hella feeling himself dancing & stuff lmaoo. idk em but im proud of them.

HAYLEYYYYYYYYYYY her dancing & drumming & outfit??? also all the lesbians/wlw getting crunk in the crowd was so damn good haha

ALSO shout out to hayley’s band, they were so cute??? the guitarist & her kept having moments & he seemed like a cool dude, & the girl on synths was so pretty omg??? & smiley i loved her. & the drummer, they were goin so hard i couldnt get a good look, but they had kewl hair

“if you don’t know anything about me, there’s one thing you should know: I LOVE GIRLS” there was so much gay energy at that show i was teary the whole damn time

k confession, i love everything about hayley but i find her voice a little grating on the ears, something about it, but it was super angelic live & didn’t bug me once, & wanna be missed fucked me up cuz it’s my fucking f a v

SHE DID THE DRUMMY IT WAS HOT 

her oufit was so damn iconic rlly tho, the pants & shoes totes fit her but wouldn't look good on anyone else, but that shirt, the hot dad look w the open v & all the jewelry, holy fuck that’s how im tryna be

during girls like girls, everyone had their lights out & there was a bunch of pride flags out, and i got this gorgeous shot of a gay pride flag illuminated by lights (i posted it)

most of the songs they played between the breaks were gay themed too which was powerful dude i was so damn emotional

then during the countdown to panic, they played the next episode by dre (the “smoke weed every day” song) & then africa by toto jsfndjfndjskfnjdk

THEN PANIC CAME OUT 

WHOLE ASS STRING & BRASS SECTION BDEN RLLY WENT THERE WOAH

KENNY & NICOLE WERE SO CUTE THE WHOLE TIME THEY KEPT GOOFING AROUND ESPECIALLY KENNY IT WAS ADORABLE

THEN BREB POPPED OUT THE DAMN FLOOR

ok several things about breb

one, i never was heavy into panic, but considering how obsessive i was into bandom a few years back, i still know a lot about early panic, livejournal shit, ryden bullshit, etc, so it was really weird being there with normies who were just like “he’s hot & sings good” when i was like “yall lucky fucks never heard of myrtle beach ” dsjfnjsdnfds

two, four years into panic & i never was attracted to brendon, but dude, EVERYONE fell in love with him at this show, myself included, & i was starin at this bitch ass motherfucker in a trance before i was like “wait ur a bastard STOP U ENDEARING DICKWAD” he was so fucking endearing it was ANNOYING cuz i’ve seen some of the shit he’s pulled damnit. srsly tho, so absolutely charming, wow.

three, and what stuck with me most; brendon loves what he does. a little bit of exhibitionism, i think; he likes ppl looking at & admiring him, he’s that type of person, a showman, but also, i think he just loves making music, people singing along to the music, etc. ive been to eight concerts now, and i don’t think i’ve seen someone who clearly loved being on stage so much. a lot of ppl act like it’s a chore to tour, but brendon clearly loves it, and it made me happy, especially as an aspiring musician. 

four, the straighties drooling over him and the gays drooling over him was truly straight/gay solidarity

ok what else happened... brendon would throw in random ass high notes towards the ends of songs... my sister looked at me super alarmed when he first did it during dtmwagt lmfao... ppl would cheer & it was impressive, but kinda piercing & i was like “show off” lol

HE DID THE ‘I MAKE THESE HIGH HEELS WORK’ thing, i thought he retired tht?? so i was pleased lmfao

i dont rmr anything that stands out about ready to go or la devotee but the lights & backgrounds during them were very pretty & i got some good pics of brebbois face (i finally got semi decent quality pics im rlly happy abt tht, concerts r so hard to photograph)

hallelujah was cool cuz there were, like, those catholic(?) church windows projected on the top part of the stage, it was pretty af, they rlly outdid themselves with the visuals

and mona lisa had like pipes & industrial stuff?? idk it looked dope, and it contrasted rlly cool it was super pretty

nine in the afternoon,,,, the only pretty odd song... i dont even like pretty odd but it was like,,, damn. & he had the piano, total live in denver vibes ;-; but he wasnt dripping sweat this time lmao

golden days, brebweenie knows hes hot, kept winking & doing mic flips & shit & i was like u fucken weenie ive seen that pic of u w a bowl cut in a bra, die

k he’s a fuckin bastard but hhe’s pretty & talented fuckin big ego bitch ... can yall tell i hav a lovehate relationship w him bc i do

I GOT THIS ONE PART ON VIDEO DURING GOLDEN DAYS WHERE KENNY & NICOLE R FUCKING AROUND & MAKING FACES & GOOFING IT’S SO CUTE

during casual affair in the chorus, the mic would echo each word (just lay (lay) in the atmosphere (sphere) & the ‘lay’ was rlly good on my ears idk sometimes certain vocal notes sound GOOD & that was one i keep replaying it

SO VEGAS LIGHTS as yall kno i was born & raised in vegas & a vegasfucker69 it’s my fucking home i moved last november (not my choice) & miss it violently & i was CRYING during vegas lights hard & it was so beautiful im gonna watch the video i got over & over & over that song means so much to me IM SO FUCKING HOMESICK

speaking of which, im pretty bitter i didnt see panic in vegas, this was my first panic show & that kinda bothers me, like i should’ve seen them in vegas a few yrs ago but it never worked out.... still, im grateful i saw them at all & im glad i saw the song live. i had my fob snapback on too, it says ‘las vegas’ on it cuz i got it there haha, wore that on purpose

he did the fucking running man thing towards the end & everyone cheered & i was like dONT ENABLE HIM

sat down during dancing’s not a crime cuz im a bitch who doesn’t like half the new record & also my knees hurt cuz im old apparently, anyway this chick glared at me then sang every word wat a fuckin prep lmao

o yah i forgot, in golden days he got in the crowd & let a girl sing the last chorus it was amazing i bet that made her life

AND DURING DOAB HE WALKED THRU THE CROWD that was SO FUCKING ENDEARING i was like “wow what a guy” then i was like “HE’S A BITCH U KNOW HIM” & i was like “hmm??? what a guy” but omg he made so many people happy it was really beautiful & sweet & i was like... half in love & then i came to my senses jksjfhjsdhfkjsdn

RLLY THO HE WALKED THRU THE CROWD & HIGH FIVED PPL & SHIT & GAVE HUGS & TOOK ART/LETTERS IT WAS SO DAMN GOOD HE WAS SO SWEET & LEGIT EVERYONE WAS FALLING FOR HIM & I WAS LIKE SUFFERING

legit guys, like it’s weird i used to watch his parascopes in 2015 or w/e & he’d say some Bad shit on there sometimes, like ik he does some messy shit BUT HE ACTED SO FUCKING LOVELY BLEH

also he’s very short, like he’s 2 inches taller than me but he looked so little in the crowd i was like... aw

the piano thing ;-; it was rlly pretty but my paranoia & anxiety was off the charts i was like that things gonna fucking fall & crush the crowd it’s gonna fucking fALL but it didnt ofc but i was stressed bleghh

but ok on a positive note, that was soo fucken lovely, bden stopped to try to make eye contact with as many ppl in as many places of possible, like he made the effort to get to everyone & make them have a special moment & it was ... magical ok thts fucken cliche as shit but it rlly was

ok i did smth lowkey embarrassing, i doubt he saw, but when he faced towards us i was just overwhelmed w like.. gratitude?? ive had a bad 2 years in every way, so being somewhere filled with love & fun & kindness & joy & all around good vibes, i was so grateful? i just wanted to thank him for creating that kinda atmosphere. so i like,,, blew kisses but not in a weird way, like later i was like oh that was kinda weird whyd i do that, but at that moment i didnt use my head & it was jus my instinctual way of saying thank u idk it’s lame but it happened so there ya go idfk

fun fact, my vid of it is out of focus cuz i was so enamored watching him & watching the crowd react it was pretty fucking magical it rlly was

once he got down from that piano he went “wow i feel so fucking inspired now” & i was like “bitch me too tf” 

legit it was absolutely indescribable, even watching my vid now.... wow. and u can hear me lightly crying in the back of my video too lmao, and i was shaking p hard, it was so fucking magical. like im getting emotional rn cuz it was exactly what i needed to remind myself that there is good stuff in the world thats worth staying for. 

i never was super big on panic or breb like i said but if i ever meet him im gonna thank him bc that. wow. transformative.

also that transition from the piano cover he did to dying in la was smooth af. it was all around gorgeous.

OK GIRLS GIRLS BOYS, I WAS SO CONCERNED W FILMING I COULDNT PUT MY LIGHT ON (i had a red heart) BUT OMG

he got a bi flag first, then a rainbow one, then another rainbow one... one was those hayley ones lol, and one ended up on the stage out of his eyesight & he never saw it & i felt so bad fjdnfds

G-D ALL THE GAYS SINGING WAS SO EMOTIONAL & THE RAINBOW BEHIND THEM ON STAGE (AND PAN FLAG COLORS AT TIMES?!??!?!)) IT WAS FUCKING MAGICAL & BRENDON LET A FLAG DRIFT IN THE WIND FOR A SEC BEFORE HE PUT IT ON IT WAS GORGEOUS

AND ALL THE RAINBOW LIGHTS IN THE CROWD FUCK DUDE

breb might be a turd but he’s the only one of these emo dudes who parades around draped in flags & so aggressively empowers gay fans through it, and for that, i respect him. ik the song has more perverse origins but now it’s a bi anthem that rlly connects w lgbt fans & it’s rlly beautiful, AND i got another gorgeous shot of a pride flag surrounded by lights & im just. wow.

after, breb said “that is gorgeous btw” about the rainbow lights, and “thank u for participating in love” & giggled, i got this shot of the lights in the dark lookin incredible ;-;

also said “this a record number of flags tonight, very cool” so portland is rlly gay apparently, kewl

nicole doin the nicotine bass line slayed me dead wowie u can hear me go “WOO” on the vid lmfao (im a bassist so i lov her double)

ive seen miss jackson live twice now cuz at my monumentour show, new politics brought lolo out to cover it so that’s dope lmfao

anyway bden did the fuckin valley girl voice for “the scenery is so loud” which was delightful

he had us do the ‘ayyyy’ bit woo

NICOLES BASS,,, SPARKLY

drum thingy ;-; speaking of monumentour, andy & patrick famously did a drum off & i MISSED IT cuz the stage at my venue wasnt large enough to fit both sets ;-; so they didnt do it ;-; but bden doin his own drum solo kinda made up for it a little bit

fuckin show off tho he played like 3 instruments & i was like u bitch stop

there was some kinda audio sample that went “i got a fever & the only prescription is more caffeine(?)” & bden mouthed the words along, and some girl behind me went “SAME” 

UPDATE: googled it, i knew i recognized chris walken’s voice, he says cowbell not caffeine & it’s a skit from snl that i’ve SEEN im a disgrace anyway that was fun also woo cowbell

the big screen kept cutting from bden drumming to a shot of the crowd & someone holding a pride flag & i was like yah drumming is gay now

lmao i only filmed like a minute of a song unless i rlly liked it so i could spend the rest of the song gettin funky right?? & i like king of the clouds but not a ton, but i filmed the whole thing cuz the visuals were so pretty lmfaooo i jus was staring at them like wowwww prettyyyyy

during the ‘i dont feel anything at all’ he looked rlly sad & i couldnt tell if it was genuine or if he was goin for like a pouty look djfdsjfndjks then right after he winked so ig pouty thx breb

at some point he introduced nicole&kenny plus the strings & brass ppl as “his friends” it was sweet & he was like “these lovely ladies” about the strings & “these handsome men” about the brass & i was like WOO GAY RIGHTS

FIRE DURIN CRAZY EQUALS GENIUS. BOZ FLASHBACKS. FIRE ON MY FACE HUNDREDS OF FEET AWAY. FEAR. DONT LIKE FIRE. SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION. KENNY WAS TOO CLOSE. FEAR.

a whole arena singing bohemian rhapsody 25+ years after freddie mercury’s death was Incredible, i dont believe in afterlives but if there is one i hope he was watching & enjoying & knowing his legacy was staying alive bc wow that was powerful

THE END WAS CRUNK AF HOLY SHIT BDEN GOT DOWN

i cant believe i remember the day emperors came out like,,,, jeez. so lit live tho

I HAVENT MENTIONED HIS SPARKLY SUIT YET. KING OF SPARKLY SUITS

BRENDON DOIN HIS HIGH NOTE BIT & THE STAGE LIGHTING UP FULLY ON FIRE FUCK DUDE

bitchden took his shirt off when he came out for the encore..... bitch

SINS,,, FUCK DUDE,,,, MY CHILDHOOD WAS CRYING HHYSTERICALLYYY, 

in the background of my vid u can hear me do the ‘ily’ ‘ily’ from the mv emo ass

my lil sis got fucken turnt to sins lmfaooo??? danced her ass off???

us: W H O R E bden: ily

VIOLINISTS GETTIN WILD TOO

they played footage of the music vid & breb & his fuckin iconic outfit & i was a lil emo kid again omg i cant believe i saw it live

he did funny voice durin calls for a toast nerd ... least he’s not entirely bitter abt songs ryan wrote anymore tho lmao... or maybe he is considering theres only two on the 30 song setlist ;-;

i gotta listen to afycso again damn it’s so iconic

oh yah at some bit he said “ive been doing this for 14 years, im 31 now” & it reminded me like.. most of these emo bands, they started so young. & got successful at such a young age. it’s so crazy. idk. wow. 

he got growly during the chorus, that’s pstump’s thing beeb dont steal it lmao

CONFETTI fitting ending, & i got him walking off which is cool, other bands it goes dark & they just kinda disappear & it’s unsatisfying ;-;

so yah i finally saw breadman live, i got 400 pics and 30 videos so that all got spam posted over the last few days lmao

[bigskydreaming]

notjustawave replied to your post:

If the only evidence of a character not being...

me seeing ppl act like deadpool movies are the pinnacle of representation like i HAVE to laugh

Like....we’ve been hearing this “oh, progress takes baby steps, one little thing at a time” crap for our entire lives, and guess what? With the exception of representation created by actual marginalized creators who manage to get a platform for it against all odds, most other so called representation from major studios and companies and franchises looks barely any different from the scraps they were giving us twenty years ago.

Baby steps my ass. Just say you’re trying to keep marginalized viewers on the hook watching your stuff without pissing off the homophobes and racists enough that they stop watching your stuff. That’s what it comes down to. That is the only reason most representation is still half-assed, blink and you miss it.

Major billion dollar corporations and highly successful and influential actors who makes millions off every movie honestly have people bending over backwards to say they’re trying or progress isn’t easy and it takes time, like these people are actual victims and like....boxed in by the evil homophobic society or whatever....instead of the tastemakers whose prioritization of straight white heroes for generations is the reason we have to fight so hard to get actual representation in the first place! 

They’re not powerless to do more in the face of a still largely homophobic society, they’ve just made the conscious choice that they care more about making sure homophobes still buy tickets to their movies than they do actually making a difference.

And like, if that’s what they want to do, then fine, they can do that, but what kills me is this idea that we’re supposed to be grateful for whatever little hint of not-straightness or not-whiteness that they shine a spotlight on for 2.5 seconds in a movie before its back to business as usual.....as though they’d do more if they could, really they would, but that’s just the best they could manage because The Homophobes and the Racists, y’see.

The movie Deadpool only happened because Ryan Reynolds wanted it to happen so badly, he wouldn’t let the project die in development hell. He kept making the rounds himself, kept the push on to keep new scripts for it getting made, and he has enough star power and a big enough fanbase that he was able to make it happen when lots of other actors couldn’t. There’s that post going around about how there’s a Bea Arthur T-Shirt he wore in the movie that they had trouble getting in because copyright stuff, so he paid $10K out of his own pocket for the licensing stuff to go through. And on and on.

Like, these aren’t small, innocuous things, they’re a display of the fact that people have power and influence in Hollywood and use those things every single day to get what they want or do things they care about. If the Deadpool production team and star really WANTED Deadpool the character to be the kind of meaningful representation they’re obviously all too happy to accept accolades for having provided already? Then they absolutely had the power to to give Wade an actual romantic history with one of the men in his films, or even one of them as an actual love interest or reciprocated flirting with one of them responding to his come-ons with like, interest of their own. Because notice how that suddenly, magically, turns what WAS just Wade obnoxiously using suggestive humor purely aimed at getting an audience laugh rather than an actual reaction....into two men having a moment like happens hundreds of times throughout every other summer blockbuster between a man and a woman and given the same degree of consideration and attention.

And yes, before someone comes at me with ‘bi and pan people don’t need to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with the same gender to be bi or pan’, like yes, thank you, I, a bisexual man, am aware of the fact that I remain equally bisexual when single, dating a man, dating a woman, or mid-orgy. My sexuality is not dependent on anyone or anything other than my own identity.

But we’re not talking about a real life human being’s identity here. We’re talking about REPRESENTATION, which is a thing created deliberately by human beings making conscious choices about what they want to display and what they don’t, and their reasons for both.

So yes, a bi or pan character is still bi or pan whether we see them kissing the same gender or not, but you can not act like a living bi man’s romantic and sexual interests being driven by his own unique choices as an individual....this is NOT the same thing as a bi or pan character who just so happens to be romantically interested in women love interests save for the occasional suggestive joke aimed at the nearest male character.

Because the former is born of that real life bi man’s entire life, experiences, personality, his BEING. The latter is born of human agendas and creative decisions and studio politics and yes, the fact that Fox and the Deadpool production are more than happy to throw LGBTQ+ viewers just enough table scraps that they’ll stay invested in supporting it, but not so much that it might risk them losing tickets in large numbers from the homophobic sector of their audience.

If I ignore the five men in my vicinity and focus on the one woman because I feel more of an attraction or connection to her for whatever reason, I get to do that because I am my own person, and people can assume whatever they want about what my motives or thought process might be but guess what? It doesn’t matter, because my choices are for me and me alone.

If Deadpool ignores the five men in his vicinity to focus on the one woman, its NOT because he feels more of an attraction or connection to her, because HE DOESN”T FEEL ANY OF THOSE THINGS. He is a fictional character. He only feels and acts upon whatever the writers decide he should feel and act upon, and THEIR motives and thought process absolutely get to be called into question, because they are not individuals making personal choices that are for them and them alone, they are creators of content that benefits and profits from the positive responses and continued support of whomever they choose to cater that content to in order to gain their support and positive response.

And bottom line, they still care more about selling tickets to homophobes than they do about creating real, positive, meaningful representation, and like....people should say that?? We do not owe it to million dollar franchises to say thank you, can we please have some more because of whatever they deign to dole out. Not while still blatantly making it clear PS, glad you liked that little moment there in Act Two Scene Five but tbh, we still care more about not pissing off the dude who lives in his parents’ basement in Kansas and has five guns and every Deadpool action figure ever made and cries into his pillow every night because Sara Lee rejected him when he asked her to his high school prom because he’s weird and ugly and nobody understands his pain like Deadpool, who is also weird and ugly and thus he NEEDS him, and just because he makes dumb jokes to guys onscreen sometimes, that’s no big deal, everyone does that sometimes, its not like he’s REALLY into guys, that’d be weird and also he can’t be because then he wouldn’t be like that homophobic shitbag who lives in his parents’ basement and trolls LGBTQ+ fans on twitter with “Lulz, dumbass losers, just accept that Deadpool doesn’t really represent you and never will, he’s OURS.”

They understand what actual representation looks like, because they’ve been representing the infinite shades of Shitty Straight White Human Being for generations now, and every single straight white man in Hollywood has a story about the character they identified with most as a child and made them want to write or act and basically shaped their entire life.

They know what actual representation looks like and what it means, but they have no interest in providing it so long as it might alienate who they see as the real moneymakers still, knowing they can still keep marginalized viewers watching by doling out the bare minimum and saying “there’s more coming, its just progress takes time, we need to take baby steps” like they’ve been doing for actual, literal decades, with very little actual change to show for it.

Sorry not sorry, but you tell me here’s five cents for you and hand me a nickel and then turn to the shitbag human being standing on the other side of you wearing a GOD HATES GAYS T-shirt and say “and here’s a twenty dollar bill for YOU, don’t spend it all in one place, lol” and then you and he share a hearty laugh while I’m standing there holding a fucking nickel?

LMAO, you can keep your five cents, you’re not like....actually doing me any favors there and I’m not going to feed your ego by pretending you did anything other than give me a shitty fucking nickel you probably picked up off the sidewalk.

[assholemurphy]

i am incredibly sad that i only have like, 1 extra adderall left (i may have to find somewhere to buy more from, since i only get like, enough for the month with my prescription, the only reason i had extras this month is bc it took a week for me to be able to get my prescription filled, so i literally had to go a week w/o adderall and i don’t wanna do that again, ever, it was hell, esp bc i ran out of sudafed, too, that week) bc holy fucking shit am i awake. i’m getting so much done. i took a shower and then highlighted all of the units in my script, which is usually hard to focus on bc it’s so dull, and i got another 15 units done, so i’ve only got like 30 left and i’m still wide awake and focused AF. like, i’m p sure that colors have smells, but also, like, the world is so intense and amazing. i feel fucking fantastic. i kinda wanna go skydiving, but like, not until i get my hw done, ya know?

but i’ve got 30 more units to do, then i’ve gotta make a graph, but after that, i’m done with the project and can move on. depending on how i feel/what time it is when i get that done (bc if it’s past 3:30/4a, i can’t sleep, i’ve got to stay up bc if not, i won’t wake up in time for class, but also, if i still feel this awake, then there’s rly no point to sleeping bc i won’t be able to, anyway) i might sleep, or i might start working on my playwriting assignment (bc that’s due mon @ 2p and i’ve got to write 6 1-min monologues for my characters) and watch the first 30min of shrek: the musical (bc i gotta have that done by fri @ 9a bc we’re watching it in class and that’s where we’re picking up at since the audio wouldn’t work in class, so it’s hw to watch the first 30 of it, but we can watch all of it, if we want, idk if i will, i’ve got too much to do and if i watch all of it, then there’ll be no point of going to class bc i hate rewatching things bc i’ve got a damn near eidetic memory for movies/books and certain other things, depending on how much i’m paying attention, but almost always books/movies unless i find them boring and don’t care abt them, so it would be stupid to watch all of it and then be bored in class), then maybe read some of after the fall (the script i’m pulling my monologue from for acting i) and do the assignment that goes with that (bc it’s due tues @ 9:30a). after that i should do my therapy hw (we’re still working on stuck points and i’ve got like, 5 more sheets, maybe more, to fill out) bc that’ll be due at my next counselling appt, which i think is next week, i’ll have to call them, but it’ll take abt an hour and it’ll emotionally drain me.

i think that’s abt it for hw, tho, but all of that’ll take roughly 9 hours, which means i def won’t be able to do it all tonight, but i can get most of it done if i don’t sleep, which means i’ll have more time for sleep/writing/literally everything else on the weekend. i might even be lucky enough to be able to get drunk. maybe. i’d have to start drinking at like, 3p and stop at like, 6p for it to all be out of my system so i can get to bed by 2/3a. so that’s a maybe. but a nice maybe.

ofc, i’ve got non hw stuff to do, too. i’ve got to make a list of roommate requirements so i can start looking for a new one (i’ve also got to talk to goldilocks to see when she plans to move out, bc like hell am i moving out, all the bills except her half of the lease are in my name and most of the furniture (aside from her personal stuff and the coffee table) is mine and i don’t want to have to move ALL of it out and into a new place, plus it’s her decision to not be roommates, so it’s on her, not me, and i won’t budge, not this time). then i’ve got to get my study/organization binder made so things’ll be easier to keep track of. i’ve got to do some cleaning (taking out the trash, cleaning up my side of the living room (we didn’t divide it, it’s just where the couches are so we stick to our couches most of the time) and the coffee table). then laundry, gotta do laundry, i’m almost out of socks.

ofc, i might have to start on my part of the second part of the group project. i wanna design costumes for the play, if neither of the others is doing that, which i hope they aren’t, bc i don’t know enough abt any of the other elements of production to do something else. but if i have to, i can try to do sound, maybe, that’s my second choice. so, i may have to start on that this weekend. i’ll talk to hurricane bianca and tim the toolman taylor and see what they’re doing for it probs on fri if not tomorrow at rehearsal. then i can start on my part and get it finished ahead of time to prove i’m capable, when i’ve got my shit together and am not having a breakdown every week. then, after i talk to prof j abt what i’m supposed to do for the show (something with finding times for freeze frames and spotlights, which is fun, but i’m worried my comdic timing isn’t the same as everyone else’s bc i’m autistic, so my sense of humor is a bit skewed, ya know? but anyway, prof j specifically told goldilocks (who is stage manager, i’m one of two assistant stage managers) to have me do it, so i’m afraid i’m being set up to fail bc i know nothing abt theatre, rly, and i’m always paranoid abt these things, but i’m also kinda thinking it might be bc she actually thinks i can do it, which sounds unrealistic, but she’s not a mean person, so i’m willing to bet it’s that one. but i need to ask her what all she needs me to do, bc goldilocks has no clue, which was so fucking helpful, what a great stage manager she is (no, srsly, idk if i bitched abt this earlier or not, but she’s absolutely horrible at this shit so far and i can’t stand working under her bc i hate working under incompetent ppl bc i feel it makes me look incompetent, too, if the job isn’t done right, even if it’s not my fault bc i wasn’t in charge and i’m always, always terrified to look stupid or incapable in the eyes of others). so, i’ve got to ask prof j abt what all i need to do bc i’m p sure the advice given to me by the lighting tech (who is apparently a decent stage manager, tho i doubt it, truly, she doesn’t have the personality for it, she’s too pushy and it makes her hard to work with, but that might just be bc i don’t like her as a person, so i’m reserving judgement until i see her in the position) is wrong bc it makes no sense, is way too hard, doesn’t actually help with anything and gives me a headache (bc mapping out the goddamn blocking is impossible when the actors do diff things every fucking night, wtf??? do the same shit, you assholes! but it’s also useless bc it doesn’t tell anyone where the spotlights/freeze frames should be, and blocking isn’t my job, it’s the other asm’s (who i don’t have a nickname for, but will probs have before the end of rehearsal) so why she’s not doing it, idk???) so i’ll ask tomorrow.

so, i’m looking at 9 hours hw now, then 30 min of cleaning, 3 hours of other paperwork shit, and potentially 4 hours of hw and 2 hours of theatre stuff this weekend. which means i can get at least 10 hours of sleep per night and get some writing done, if i finish most of my hw now. i think that’s worth one sleepless night. it rly is. so, here’s to hoping for at least one day off this week.

but if i don’t sleep, i’ll probs crash after rehearsal tomorrow night, unless i can convince my friends to come over and hang out, since they won’t be here this weekend and i kinda need their help making the roommate requirement list bc otherwise it’s just gonna be like ‘can’t leave time on the microwave after they’re done using it’ and ‘must know how to use headphones when others are studying in the living room’ and ‘must not whine when i want to stay in my room and do work instead of being around them 24/7′ (tho, goldilocks doesn’t spend much time with me anymore, which is fine, i guess, but it’s a complete 180 from what she used to do and honestly, i’m offended bc i caved and started staying in the living room and now it just feels weird not being in the living room and idk what to do abt any of this). i need real things, too, like, big concerns that i’ll forget abt when writing it, and i need to know if my requirements are petty or things that aren’t specific to most ppl, just goldilocks. and it’d be nice to hang out with them and shit.

anyway, this is rly long and rambly, but i rly need to vent all of this shit somewhere, it helps me sort my brain out. i don’t actually expect anyone to read it and you can always blacklist my personal tag ‘iz says stuff’ if you don’t want this shit on your dash. but if you do read them, then you’re always welcome to come to my inbox and be like ‘quit bitching and get back to work, dumbass’ or something. 

[shirosucc]

hi lia ! i just got accepted into uni after spending like 2 solid years being terrified i wont even make it to this moment (wow fr still unbelievable) SO i wonder if u have any wisdom to share on the topic of not fucking up university ! i ask this because you are probably the most successful person i know in the fandom

THERE ARE SO SO SO MANY PPL IN THIS FANDOM WHO ARE MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ME. but congrats on getting accepted into uni babe i’m so happy for you!! i know how it feels to be terrified and stressed over college apps and i do Not miss that. i’m happy to offer some tips but keep in mind this is just what has worked for me, it might be different for everyone else! under the cut bc this got long accidentally oops...

if you’re going out of state, make yourself accessible.

don’t stress about making friends. it’ll happen, and it’s easy bc everyone is desperate to make friends their first month. keep your dorm door open, talk to people even if you’re tired of doing the “i’m ____ i’m from ____ and my major is ____” introduction and know you might not talk to them ever again, sit with strangers at meals, go out and have fun, sign up for as many clubs as you want. even for extroverts like me this is hard, but in the end it’s the far better option.

if you’re staying in state, branch out. 

high school friends are great! but no one goes to college just to hang out with the same people for four more years. don’t keep yourself stuck in that bubble no matter how tempting it is. keep hanging out with them, but give yourself the opportunity to meet other people from different walks of life.

GO! TO! OFFICE! HOURS!

i’m begging you. it’ll save you so much pain. so much anguish. i promise you your professors are here to help you. they WANT to help you. and even if you don’t need help in the class it’s always a good idea to know your profs/TAs on a personal level. you’ll need recommendations, you’ll need people to be on your side, and just generally they tend to be super interesting people. think of it as a form of networking. i didn’t go to office hours at all my freshman year and really regret it! please don’t make my mistake!

don’t stress about grades too much.

GPA doesn’t matter much unless you’re applying to grad school and even then it’s not going to be the only factor evaluated in your application. if you need to drop a class, do it. if you need to just accept a lower grade than you might like in a class, just do it. you will be okay. at the same time, the first thing people said to me when i told them i was going to cornell was that i should get ready to get Cs in my classes. there’s nothing wrong with this, but don’t let people tell you it’s an inevitability. you have far more control over your grades than you might think. don’t stress.

[drake voice] know yourself................

it is totally possible to thrive in college no matter what your study habits are, but you have to be Aware of what kind of worker you are. like i’m a huge crammer. i wait until the last minute for everything and everyone told me that wouldn’t fly in college, but because i know how i Am i always have deadlines on my calendars, i know how much time to give myself, i know where and how i study best, and i’m no worse off than anyone who gives themselves twice that amount of time to study. it’s just about what works for You specifically and that may take some time to figure out, and that’s ok!!!

join as many clubs as you want, but pick one or two to that you’re passionate about to focus on.

socially, it’s a great way to branch out beyond your major/class year and get to know people with common interests. professionally, employers want to know Who You Are and going into college it’s likely that you won’t have much internship experience and having leadership positions in clubs is a very good substitute for that. work becomes so much easier and so much more worth it when it’s something that you are legitimately interested in and passionate about, and that always comes through to others.

don’t let yourself get caught up in what other people around you are doing.

it’s always gonna feel like the ppl around you are more successful, whether that be socially, academically, or professionally. but everyone has their own shit going on and it’s difficult you should try your best not to let anyone’s perceived success affect you. progress isn’t linear, there’s never just One correct path, sometimes you get to college and realize you actually hate the thing you Knew you wanted to study and thought you loved. setbacks are normal and the people who are flexible and self-aware end up far better off than the people who come into college thinking they’re set and that they know everything.

again this is just what works for me, and the type of advice i’d like to have heard coming into my freshman year. sorry this got long i hope you enjoy your first year of college and congrats on getting admitted, best of luck and lots of love!! 💞💞💞

[babiewonho]

thoughts on shownu nd wonho

[audio of calebcity’s anime villain laugh bass boosted plays] WOW….amira u truly want me dead askfjaskfj wow…Hyung Line…i’ll start with mister wonho bc that’s where my brain is takin me   Buckle up!! [this is 2k words when will i die]

my favorite fake maknae…mister babie..something i find very unique abt him is even tho he was supposed to be the leader   he also has a lot of youthful naive charm that matches more of a Follower type of personality. like while we saw him be a leader in no mercy, and he did an excellent job esp with gun being covered up for his lack of dancing skill, i think that is a very unnatural state of being for him, and he exerts an unfortunate amount of energy trying to lead others. he has the skills necessary but i think he overextends himself to employ them. his natural state of being is more of a follower in that that’s where he’s more comfortable. he stresses too much about keeping everybody happy at once and takes too much responsibility. he’s naturally a workaholic and sacrifices his health for the sake of work. 

so honestly i’m really glad he didnt end up being the leader and i’ll get more into leder shownu later :D but i take it as a blessing that he’s allowed to take more of a backseat and speak up when he wants to rather than always being in charge. tbh wonho is kinda Out Of It all the time and while i think if he was a leader he’d fight to stay in the moment i think he needs that time in his head to decompress. tbh it’s really funny that he cld have been the leader to me in no malicious way just bc he’s never There askfjasf like when minhyuk said he always needs to go looking for him bc he just wanders off and he’s getting coffee and he’s like what :D and he needs extra explanations and stuff all the time and minhyuk n the others need to direct him in what he’s doing all the time. 

that’s why i said the fake maknae thing bc in many ways he has a really youthful kind of innocence to him like just a silly child. like when ck took the glass away from him at the awards show so he wouldnt break it kasfjsa and then the bottle   like a big brother would do  and wonho was like :/ okay…and wiping his tears. we rly see a shift from him as a Hyung to someone who the others end up taking care of in a very natural way. there’s a big reverse dynamic there, in particular with him and changkyun. which is rly interesting! changkyun kind of steps up to be more mature in situations with him. it’s really cute…

when i think of wonho in the position of a hyung, i think it’s in a non traditional way. when i think of him i think of light blue and him being a Healer. he is a big reminder to stay in touch with your emotions and feel them. at the taiwan concert…i believe at least! that it was that one…when everyone was holding back their tears wonho was like just cry!! to hw in particular he said that there were a ton of people there to hug him and support him when he cried so he should just do it so he didn’t regret it later, and he has a very nurturing heart. he makes this one face…it’s like a mix of a pout n a sad smile?? when he pities another member…it’s a very gentle and empathic facial expression…i’m not used to seeing men make that face. 

so i think he DOES offer a form of guidance/wisdom as an older member but it’s not in a structural way if that makes sense like minhyuk saying “walk over here” or ordering them around it’s like a Healing presence..a calm spirit to offer Peace and Serenity. being in touch with his emotions i feel also creates an openness within the group where they feel better about expressing themselves, at the very least bc they cld use him as a scapegoat, which i dont think he’d mind. like wonho cried first!!!

part of his openness with his emotions is what makes him seem childish not in an unlikable way but rather…like he never got that Hard adult shell that makes people fear expressing themselves and their true thoughts. when he is happy he is brightly adorably happy he’s literally :DD just delighted and that brings out protective instincts in those who are around him which is another part of why he’s a fake maknae 2 me…he gets teased like everyone else but i dont think anybody cld have the heart 2 be mean to him his eyes are just too sparklie…also his LAUGH…is so loud and genuine and beautiful and it makes me feel such joy and it makes the others happy too  nothing is really funny to me until wonho laughs that’s like the official comedy stamp his :D smile n HAHAHAHA laugh  n his wheeze

he’s also really stubborn like a child which i find endearing but i know cld be frustrating sometimes but i find it funny askfjas he’s a baby…he asks for opinions n then doesnt care bc he already made his mind LMAO

he is also!! just so so full of LOVE. his heart is so big…he loves his family and monbebes and his members and he’s so transparent about it and it’s absolutely precious. he radiates love and puts a very beautiful calming blue energy into the world and everything about him is very gentle like body language wise. he speaks very softly even though he’s Loud sometimes the words come out soft if that makes sense. the way they are pronounced in spite of volume. he doesn’t spit out words and i think that’s kind of why he stutters so much they’re so soft n undefined they blend into each other. they need more shape…but he also holds things gently and doesn’t exert a lot of pressure in his fingertips. he’s very cautious and not aggressive and is not prone to anger, though he can get frustrated.

i really thank him for his honesty with fans abt how he’s feeling etc bc i think it creates a very nice friend like relationship. he rly cares abt keeping up updated and it’s so precious i feel genuinely cared for lmao…i literally take care of myself sometimes bc of his tweets like dont forget to eat etc and that’s so special

there’s more things i cant think of right now but u know…i cld happily do this forever but MISTER SHOWNU…ur time to shine (forever…)

NOW…shownu is the official leader which is also unique because nothing about shownu besides perhaps his powerful body commands Leadership our eyes are drawn to him because of this quiet power he exudes but he doesn’t have that dominant personality type in fact i find him a very passive person he’s not fussy at all and seems to value group harmony over his own personal feelings

i think sometimes being a leader is burdensome to him for the reason that he has more of a quiet let things happen personality but that’s what’s interesting. the members don’t respect him because he Commands their attention. they follow him instead rather bc they just respect him and Know he’s the leader. 

even though leadership doesn’t come naturally to him in the traditional sense and minhyuk often assists or does more tradition leader things and has to remind him to speak, he has a whole different form of leadership where he’s quiet but when he Does say something everyone just respects it and doesn’t question it. i feel ppl follow him out of respect and affection rather than anything like intimidation if that makes sense. they just look up to him and admire him and respect his wishes. 

he was a leader during no mercy and ppl followed him without question mostly. he’s really good at having a friendly personality but still making sure people focus during dance practice. ppl might think this form of passive leadership is bad but i think there’s no need for him to interject generally bc mx flows very well with their dynamic and doesn’t need to get adjusted much. he also imo has kihyun and minhyuk as co-leaders which happened naturally and not out of his inability to lead efficiently, so i think if he’s lacking in any way, they’re there to cover that up and i think this also helps remove stress from him.

shownu is also just so likable!! on running man they said when ppl dont talk much, strangely you want to pay more attention to them and i think that’s happened to shownu his whole life. people are watching him without knowing and then when he speaks they’re so pleasantly surprised because he’s so funny and most of it is said in such a flat way, like deadpan humor. he’s a comedy genius because what he says is so unexpected most of the time but also so powerful. if shownu said like…”legs” i’d pee myself laughing bc something abt him is so fucking funny and endearing and goofy and HIS laugh itself makes me laugh too like …he invented comedy lmfao he’s absolutely not boring that’s a misunderstanding of his personality  he definitely needs to get comfortable somewhere before his real personality is revealed but he’s gotten a lot better at that which is why he’s been advancing through variety and im so proud of him for that and impressed

also adding to him being so endearing the members just genuinely adore him and i think when he went to law of the jungle a taxi took him to the location and ck said to the cab driver “take care of him/drive safely” which is very sweet and just shows like the Depth of their affection for him. everything he does the members just find so cool and funny and endearing and he brings them a lot of happiness

he’s also such a good fit for the group because he’s so CHILL like minhyuk cld be gnawing jooheon’s leg off while wonho fights changkyun over a piece of shrimp and hyungwon is getting dusted by kihyun and shownu’s like :) i love my family and HE LOVES THEM SO MUCH LMAO like he genuinely adores his members and you can feel that too like not even just things like him giving up lines (hw in beautiful) or splitting his commercial earnings among his team which he didnt even want kh to say but he imagines himself doing things with them in the future like going on trips and he really sees them as his friends/family rather than coworkers and it’s so lovely and beautiful he’s just so goddamn fond of them lol

also hyung line with each OTHER is so precious bc wonho is rly like a little happy kid around shownu n shownu is so calm n chill and wonho is like :DD hello!!! n shownu pretends he doesnt care asjfsafj  it’s so funny wonho is just going around hoping for shownu’s love like he said in that fansign note n shownu ignores him n teases him asfkjasf it’s so cute when shownu teases it’s so funny it rly shows just how fond he is and shownu always laughs when wonho laughs and humors him?? and by humors him i mean wonho babbles a lot n makes little silly side comments and if shownu is within hearing distance he always tries to reply to those and he makes wonho giggle and it’s precious and he listens and shownu just really Understands the member’s personalities like when he said he likes when mh talks a lot etc he understands them and just doesn’t want them to change bc he loves the way they are like i kno that sounds fake deep but it’s true…

wonho is just so cute…n youthful around shownu i love the dynamic it’s amazing how similar they are in age like a year apart n yet wonho seems so young around him and shownu just teases him n theyve known each other for a long time n are so comfortable with each other n they work out together like…we love strong muscle men with hearts of gold …also this is just random but wonho pronounces “shownu” so cute n also i love hearing shownu say hoseokie like it’s just adorable shownu always calls the memebrs by their real names n fogets to say the stage ones like   who is even calling changkyun “I.M.” at this point   who is that….

[cassieqt]

I know how I am supposed to feel about a new year, new beginnings and new opportunities... i will get there. Last night a lot still weighed on me so celebrating wasn't my aganda.

The situation with my son.. though he means well, it always comes out hurtful.

The hours alone spent in one's own company to be disappointed that I didn't spend the last 12 minutes of the year with him. Came down to see what was worth spending time alone instead of with me, watching a movie, and he is on social media that no one can see he is on. Once again felt like he was hiding it while I sat upstairs waiting on him to be free. I get perception is everything but don't be made at me not spending 12 minutes eith you when you let me sit alone for hours.

How is it when our schedules never align that when they do we always end up alone on separate floors... I went to bed to find peace in the things I can't control and in the feelings I can't hide or fake. Then you came in turning everything on to have the last 12 minutes together when we could have spent the last few hours. This past year was so painful between us that I don't want to kiss it out and not knowing what the future holds I am not sure I want to kiss it in. Be more consistent with my heart and I will surely kiss you plenty. Make your intentions clearer and you won't be as disappointed...though honestly that didn't work for me.

I spent the time curled up next to my dog that more than likely won't see most of the next year due to cancer.

Loved the post of us you made to say thank you and I love you but the pictures made me feel horrible & ugly and knowing how many people saw them. Wish you could edit the ones of me out. At least post pictures where I look nice that won't make ppl wonder why you are with me.

I was ready to see 2020 go and I am not yet ready for 2021. 2020 was supposed to be the year I proved to myself I could do it all. Alone. I can work on my body for myself. I started working on straightening my teeth, improving my health, my frame of mind, went for the job that would give me a leg up to move on to a job somewhere else. Bought the software to improve my skill set. I tried to focus on me so I wouldn't feel the hurt and disappointment from you. The last year has had way more struggle than victory and as long as I am alive I will have to face and overcome that.

Just because I am sitting in a place that drains me of joy it doesn't mean my outlook is negative. Just like after any accident you have to evaluate, heal and take the necessary steps to improve. Going through the storm doesn't mean instant gratification or instant positivity. Going through it means evaluating and sifting. What is worth taking forward with you. I suppose the moment that set things into perspective is when I realized I find very little interest in doing most anything. I am depressed. When the body goes through trauma it shuts down to focus only on the core, essential organs. I believe our brains do that as well. When the world around us becomes too much then we shut down parts of ourselves to balance the forces that are hurting us. I can't take on more until I heal what is. I want for a joyful, committed, loving relationship from both people involved. Where we have shared goals and desires. A healthy relationship. See, not all negative. What I have isn't that and no matter how hard I try or what I desire a relationship is made of 2 people. So I start to shut off parts of what I want and desire so I don't hurt as much. Much like losing fingers to frost bite. I sleep so I don't have to be hurt or disappointed. I stay off my phone so I don't have to be hurt. I don't wait or want for hugs and kisses because those should come naturally.. so I spend a lot of time alone trying to be numb to what I am missing and wanting. I curl up with my puppy and enjoy the time we have because that isn't a battle with him. He wants to be close. He wants the cuddles and petting. He wants to share and participate in the simple joys life offers. Right now I can use that joy. He makes me laugh and smile even though I am aware he is dying.

Fsmily life hurts, work life sucks and needs a redirection. I need a friend circle that supports my journey and pushes for the positive. For a year and a half or so I had a partner that helped encourage me and made me feel amazing. I don't think he realizes he has a lot to do with where my mind sits and the lack of motivation I feel. 2/3 of my kids are great most day but hurt my heart quite easily. 1 stands tried and true. I know I can count on her and she brings me peace. She meets me where I am.

Before my close friend paased away she would tell me how tired she was and I would encourage her to hang in there...but now I get it. When it feels like you are fighting at every front and the positive place is in your head and unattainable at the moment, I understand how that tired is defeating. I want to close me eyes and fall alseep and stop hurting, stop failing, stop not being enough, stop feeling angry that I can't remain super positive in front of everyone while I hurt alone on the inside. I want to fake it. I want to appear to be super woman through it all. I want to move quietly and show up for myself...and I want to move far away to a place where no one can hurt me, disappointment me and I can just work on making myself healthy or dead. I can't heal when people keep hurting me. I have to behave like everything is fine for them. They don't do that for me. They aren't sacrificing their joy to see me happy. Funny how life is like that.

Meet me where I am, consistently give me your respect, love and friendship. See how being genuine changes the relationship we share. Make yourself trust worthy so I can trust you. Then my life will be surrounded by the people I need in it. I won't loose so much energy on other people because it won't be an issue I need to resolve.

Here is to a new year. Praying I land on my feet, feel less, the struggles are smaller, the victories larger and my vision attainable. Praying for an ending to one relationship and peace and love or and ending to the other. No more sitting in the middle. May only the best manifest itself. Lord please bring something much better into focus.