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thewriterey · 5 years ago

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If You Hadn’t Gone (Stucky x Reader)

Hi! I wrote this for my friend @larkboyd, sole provider of Stucky on my dashboard.

Uhhhhhh I’m not really in this fandom, but I can relate to feeling a lill crappy and just wanting to be sandwiched between two beefcakes. Besides, I had a dream a couple of nights ago about these specific men for some reason (seriously, like I said, I’m not even IN THE FANDOM. How does this even happen???). Steve was making nachos for me and Bucky was just slow dancing with me in the kitchen. So. That’s all this little ficlet is, really. Idk. Also I’ve never written in this perspective, I just DON’T KNOW WHY I DO THE THINGS I DO ANYMORE OKAY. Anyway.

Title is a line translated from a song they play in the movie y tu mamá también because !!! that dance scene, amiright?

Hope you enjoy c:

Words: 1318, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandom: Captain America / Marvel Cinematic Universe

Rating: All Ages

Warnings: None, pure fluff

Categories: M/M/F

Characters: You, Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes

Relationships: Established Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes, You/Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes

Additional Tags: bad breakup with an unnamed asshole, hurt/comfort, fluff, domestic au, beginning of an m/m/f relationship, (but idk that’s not really clear and mostly just in my head, I might never write another word for this again, just wanted to put this out there)

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You’ve never been one to cry over a man. It hasn’t happened once in the past. Sure, previous break-ups were awful, but you’d always known these men weren’t permanent. Besides, you have always been perfectly happy when you were on your own.

This time, however, it feels like someone has punched you in the stomach and won’t quit twisting their fist around. You really thought he’d be the one, he had been talking about engagement not three days ago. It hurts something fierce, and all you can really do is sob uncontrollably.

At first, the best idea seemed to be to just get a tub of chocolate ice-cream and order some take-out, but the weather was getting colder and although autumn was usually one of your favourite seasons this time the rain and the wind outside made you feel all sorts of cold.

I just don’t want to be alone tonight.

It’s the one phrase that’s on repeat in your head. But the task of reaching out to one of your friends and ask them to come over seemed impossible to complete today.

The only solution seems to be to curl up on the sofa and put on a random show on Netflix that you’ll only half watch between bouts of wondering where it all went wrong and why you feel the way you feel right now.

A loud noise startles you. Someone is knocking at the window. Confused, you look up and try to find a clock. It’s just about 7 PM, it’s getting dark outside. The screen of the TV asks if you’re still watching, as if it’s aware that you’ve cried yourself to sleep a few hours prior.

You huff and by pressing a singular button on the remote your turn the TV with its mocking message off.

Leave me alone, I don’t need your judgment, too, stupid piece of garbage.

Then there is another knock at the window. It must be the food delivery guy. You quickly wipe away the tears from your eyes and take a deep breath. Five seconds of human interaction will be tough, but so are you and you can definitely handle that.

When you open the door, you remember you didn’t actually order any food yet.

It’s not the pizza delivery guy you thought it would be. It’s your friend, Steve. He smiles at you, as you stand there, dumbfounded.

What is he doing here?

“Hey, you didn’t show for dinner and didn’t respond to mine or Bucky’s texts, are you alright?”

Shit. Friday night. Movie night. How could you forget?

Five seconds have passed, and you’re not certain you can manage any more of this human interaction without crying again. The look on his face shifts as he can see you’re struggling.

“What happened? Are you alright?”

He steps into your personal space and wraps his arms around you, as you bury your face in his shirt and start crying.

“He broke up with me, Steve,” you manage to say. “Last week he was talking about engagement and now he never wants to see me again.”

He ushers you inside and closes the door behind him, saving you from the cold outside.

“Shhhhhh,” he says, whilst softly stroking your back. You stand there for a while. He keeps making shushing noises, keeps softly petting your back, until you calm down a little. You feel a bit embarrassed for crying in front of him, but also realise that if you would feel comfortable with crying in front of anyone, it would be him. He never judges you, he’s always right there when you need him, and he always manages to make you smile. Although that might seem like too much of a task even for him, today.

“Have you had anything to eat yet?” he asks.

“No,” you say.

“Then I’m calling Bucky and we’ll make you something, is that alright?”

Right. Because then there’s yet another person to see you cry and be miserable.

But as you feel his arms wrapped around your torso, you realise that at this point in time, being alone would be worse. And of all the people you consider your friends, Bucky and Steve are probably the people you feel the most at ease with.

“Yeah, that’s alright,” you say, feeling very small. “I’m just. I’m going to cry a lot though.”

Steve laughs. It’s more of a low rumble, coming from deep inside his chest. “That’s perfectly alright, cry as much as you want. We’ll be here.”

When you exit the bathroom, you can hear music coming from the kitchen. Bucky has arrived, then.

The shower has done you good. The hot water is always able to soothe any aches and pains, and it seems that holds true for heartaches. As you look at your closet, you can see a yellow summer dress hanging on the rack, just barely peeking around the corner.

Summer is over, and there hadn’t been an occasion to wear it. But the house is warm and the dress looks comfortable enough, and besides, dressing up always makes you feel better. It isn’t a hard decision to make.

When you enter the kitchen, the first thing you hear is an appreciative whistle. You start blushing, but have no time to really feel embarrassed about it, as Bucky wraps his arms around you in a big bear hug.

“You look lovely, sweetheart,” he says. You wrap your arms around him a little tighter. If you linger a little longer in his hug to hide the deep blush on your face, that’s between you and yourself.

“What are you making?” you ask, when you finally let go of the loving embrace of your friend.

“Steve is making nachos, and he isn’t allowing me anywhere near them,” Bucky says, sounding a little disgruntled.

“Hey, who burned them last time? I’m doing us all a favour.”

“Come on, that was one time.”

“Who burns nachos? It’s like, the easiest food to make. Period.”

Bucky rolls his eyes at you and makes a mocking face at Steve. You can’t help yourself and you have to hide a giggle behind your hands. Bucky’s eyes light up and he smiles at you brilliantly.

“Guess I’ll need to find something else to do in the meantime, then,” Bucky says.

The song changes, and all of a sudden the air turns soft, the music sounds sweeter. Before you know it, you feel Bucky clasp your hand in his as he wraps his other arm around your waist. There is no time to protest, and frankly, you’re not so sure that you even want to fight it.

He sways you slowly from the left to the right, following the rhythm of the music, as he hums along with the melody. Steve turns around for a moment, then smiles, and turns back to grating the cheese.

In hindsight, you’re really glad Steve showed up when he did. Asking for help can be terrifying, but when it is offered freely it is much easier to accept. And if an hour ago someone would have told you that you would be laughing right now, you would have declared them mad.

Steve finishes grating the cheese and puts the nachos in the oven. He wipes his hands on the tea towel and walks towards the two of you, dancing. Before you know it he, too, has wrapped his arms around you from behind, and tentatively places his hands on Bucky’s hips, as he leans his head on your shoulder and moves along with the music.

You can’t bring yourself to look into Bucky’s eyes anymore, but that’s alright. The air smells like nachos with molten cheese, the sounds in the air are peaceful and calm, and the arms wrapped around you feel amazingly warm.

In spite of everything that has happened today, you realise that right now, you are happy.

--- the end.

#stucky #captain america #my writing #reader insert #bucky barnes #the winter soldier #domestic au #ficlet

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jawnjendes · 6 years ago

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i’m tired too | shawn mendes

university au summer vacay babey, shawn x goth gf

*******just letting yall know that the chapter before this, girl you’re trouble did not appear in the tags when i posted it, so if u havent read it go ahead and do that now :P

masterlist | series playlist

My tongue was between my teeth as I focused on my reflection in my little compact mirror. Carefully, I filled in my eyebrow with dark brown powder, ignoring the people sitting on either side of me on the couch. Having two sets of eyes on me made it hard to carve out the enhanced version of my face, though. I tried to shift in my seat to get them to focus on literally anything else, but neither of them let up.

“She’s so good at that,” Mom said in admiration. She was sitting on my left.

“Isn’t she?” Shawn agreed in the same tone. He was on my right.

I paused and sighed. The previous evening, Aaliyah pointed out that my mom and her brother had some uncanny similarities. I thought she was just bringing light to the fact that they both… adore me. But they had the same mannerisms, like talking with their hands. They were both optimistic as well, unlike me… and my dad. I pretended not to see any similarities until now. I was just glad Aaliyah wasn’t here now to triumph in her discovery.

“Are you guys gonna do this the whole time?” I asked, looking back and forth between the two of them.

“Well, you’re so pretty,” Shawn said, bringing a hand up to stroke my cheek.

I leaned away from his touch. “I just did my foundation!”

My mom laughed. “She won’t let you touch her either! I’m glad it’s not just me!”

Shawn gave me a surprised look. He learned just a little too much about me in the last twenty four hours, and it wasn’t stopping anytime soon.

Luckily, my dad, who had been scrolling through his phone on the other side of the couch, piped up. “Shawn, I heard you play guitar?”

That started the music conversation. I was glad to have the attention off of me for once, all anyone asked me about these days was my stupid hospital stay. Plus, I could finish my makeup in peace. Not to mention, Shawn was still convulsing and crying in his sleep, so things were… not ideal at the moment. But he got to talk about his love of music, which was something my dad could relate to.

“You know, I used to be in a rock band,” he said. “Back in eighty-seven, me and my buddies played shows from my parents’ garage. That’s how I met Lucy. She was standing at the front of the audience for every show. We only had about ten people attend if we were lucky, but she was always there.”

Mom placed her hands over her chest fondly. “I think music has a beautiful way of bringing people together.”

You wouldn’t be able to tell just by looking at my mother, but she lived for heavy metal. She was the one who introduced me to the symphonic metal bands I listen to now.

“Oh, a hundred percent,” Shawn agreed. Then he told me parents that he and I met at one of his shows at a coffee shop.

Today was much more calm than the last. My parents slept on it, and they decided that they were just happy that I was live. I was just glad they stayed at a hotel, too. I couldn’t imagine being holed up with them after not living with them for a majority of two years. I also wouldn’t know how to explain why my boyfriend was yelling in his sleep every hour.

I really did miss my mom and dad. It kicked in when they had to go home at the end of the week. I was supposed to be home too. None of this was supposed to happen this way.

After my parents were gone, I was able to get around the apartment by myself. I didn’t need a babysitter anymore, so I tried to be happy about that. However, my incisions still kept me from doing anything strenuous, which meant I had no excuse not to return to work anymore. Most of what I did was sit behind a desk in a tiny office, so I made my first day back that Friday. I figured I might as well make some type of income to, you know, pay for my books for the next semester and uhhhhhh fucking live. I had to find my independence again somehow.

Anyway, my first day back at work was as mundane as it always was. It was like I wasn’t even gone for three weeks. Stacy gave me a professional “welcome back” and then hit me with the work I missed that I needed to catch up on. I spent the morning adding up gas receipts, entering vehicle information into the computer, and booking service appointments over the phone.

In the afternoon, Jason and Luca came in for their shifts. They approached the window of the office and stopped in their tracks.

“You’re here?” Jason asked in disbelief. “Weren’t you quitting?”

Clearly, no one knew or cared where I had been lately. I mean, I must have told Stacy to keep it confidential while I was high on morphine. Even then, I wasn’t exactly popular here.

“I had surgery, and now I can’t hop on a plane home,” I explained shortly.

“Oh, so you were dying and you weren’t planning on telling us?” Luca said, holding a hand up to my face in a dramatic fashion. “How dare you.”

I blinked once and then got back to adding numbers from the stack of receipts. The two of them entered the office, and that was when another question popped into my mind.

“Who covered me while I was gone?”

“Not me!” Jason said as he went to his desk at the back of the office.

Luca stood by mine and puckered his lips like he was thinking to himself. That said it all for me.

“Shoulda known.” I rolled my eyes. “Not a goddamn thing was done, and it’s month-end.”

“Hey, Stacy told me to book appointments,” Luca said defensively. “I lost commission these last few weeks because of that. I sell cars. I’m no receptionist.”

Bet he didn’t even book appointments either. Bet Stacy told him to cover all of my responsibilities. Luca just did not give a flying fuck about anything.

I spent my lunch hour in the car. Normally, Shawn would have come to meet me so we could eat together… or not eat. He was working too, though, and from the texts he sent me, he had been working on a flower arrangement for a wedding. He was going to be busy all day. When did we become a boring, married couple?

“You’ll never believe who they put to cover me while I was out,” I typed out in a text to Shawn. I munched on my white rice as I sent it.

“Who?!” he replied within a few minutes. I could almost hear the enthusiasm.

“Fucking Luca. He did fuck all, so I have a bunch to catch up on. Plus, it’s the end of the month, so we all have to close a bunch of sales and warranties and all this other boring crap. I’ll be home a little late.” Send. More white rice. God, I’m tired of rice.

My phone buzzed again while I was scrolling on Instagram. Shawn had replied. “Aw. Ok hon. I’m gonna have a couple of friends over tonight, just letting you know. Some of them want to see how you’re doing.”

“Ok. I’ll see you at home.”

“Love that you see my place as a home now :)”

Uhhhhhhhhh… Who’s gonna tell him? Who has to remind him that I was staying at his place for convenience, because I am recovering from a surgery? That I literally almost died and my complications kept me from travelling long distance…? Who’s gonna tell him?

I was horrifically fatigued when I got home. I seemed to have forgotten that stressing over numbers and annoying phone calls was mentally straining. Maybe travelling by car wasn’t a great idea either, but how could I not drive? I had a job to go to. I had an apartment to get back to. As I walked up to the front door, I wished that I didn’t have to worry about things like income and bills to pay. I just wanted to lie down and not get up again.

Walking into the apartment, I realized I probably wouldn’t even get to do that.

First of all, the door was unlocked. Shawn had given me a key, but apparently I didn’t need it this time. I was met with music and laughter as stepped over the threshold. I found people, strangers, when I peered into the kitchen.

It was a small kitchen, but there were five frat boy looking guys all holding plastic red cups. Among them were three breathtakingly pretty brunettes. I’m talking Instagram models, wearing sparkling crop tops and skin tight leggings. They were all laughing about something until they saw me at the doorway.

“Rock on, emo queen,” one of the frat boys said, holding up the rock and roll sign.

Yeah. Even in my work uniform, which was a button up with the company name on, was in fact black. Not to mention, the eyeliner I had put on in the morning smudged so much throughout the day that I now looking like a raccoon having a mental breakdown.

Awkwardly, I continued padding down the hall, finding more people standing and talking amongst themselves. Again, more ridiculously pretty girls and their dates. All I could smell was weed. I tried to keep a stink eye off my face, but it was the only thing that made people move out of the way so I could get to the living room.

Finally, there were people I recognized. Brian, Connor, Teddy, and Shawn were among a bigger group of strangers sat on the L-shaped couch. So this was a couple of friends?

Shawn noticed me first and raised his arms in the air, making me notice the red cup in his hand. “Look who’s here!”

That caused several pairs of eyes to turn to me, causing me to feign a smile. Everyone raised their drinks and cheered. Oh god, I was in a room of drunk toddlers. I was in a whole ass apartment of drunk toddlers. And my fucking boyfriend was the toddler hosting the other toddlers.

“Come, sit here,” Shawn said, waving me over. “I missed you!”

I still felt awkward and tired and far from the vibe everyone else was currently on. I stepped over and went to take the empty space next to Shawn, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me onto his lap. My face went hot at the gesture, but not because of the affection, or the fact that he chose to rest his hands on top of my thighs. His chin rested on my shoulder, and I could smell the alcohol in his breath. Oh jeez.

“Man, let your girl breathe!” Brian joked, seeing the discomfort on my face.

“It’s fine,” I said sheepishly. I noticed several empty plastic cups and shot glasses on the coffee table. It wasn’t even ten o’clock yet.

“Yeah,” Shawn agreed, “I mean, I’d sit on her lap, but my poor baby had surgery. Wouldn’t wanna hurt her.”

Before I could retort, Teddy spoke up. She, too, had her own cup and was very obviously under the influence. “Oh yeah! How did that go? What even happened?”

I was going to reluctantly explain, but Shawn spoke for me again.

“My little fighter looked death in the face and said ‘fuck you!’”

Several gasps and fascinated expressions came from the group on the couch. I resisted the urge to plant my face in my hands. There goes my business, out in the open for everyone to put their noses into.

“You almost died?” Connor asked in shock.

“Ooh, story time!” Teddy announced. “Spill! Now!”

Been home for ten minutes, and I was not in my pajamas lying under the covers. For me, this was a couple of steps away from a worst case scenario. All eyes on me, expected to talk about things I wanted to keep quiet about. And it was all prompted by my drunk boyfriend, of all people.

“I had a bowel resection, and then I hemorrhaged,” I explained curtly. Then, I moved Shawn’s hands off my thighs and got to my feet. “And now I have to stay here and recover for the whole summer. The end.”

Some people booed at the length of my story. I’m sure I was expected to tell an awesome tale about the battle against my infected guts, but I was really not in the mood for that. I had to tell the story twice at work, and that was enough for me. I didn’t really care about being a massive party pooper at the moment.

“Baby, where you going?” asked Shawn as I stepped away from the group.

I sighed and turned back to him. “I’m gonna change out of my uniform, and then I’m going to sleep.”

He pouted and got up to approach me. He came up close, so things felt a little more private. “Come have fun with me. We never have fun anymore.”

The plea in his voice was a jab straight to the heart. But I couldn’t find it in me to change my mind and stay with him.

“I’m not really in a party mood,” I said apologetically. “I had a long day, I’m really tired.”

Shawn’s face fell even more. His hazy, tipsy eyes filled with concern. “You want me to kick everyone out? I’ll do it! I’ll do it right now!”

I quickly got ahold of his wrist before he could rally the troops. I already had enough guilt on my shoulders. “No! No, no, no, don’t do that.” I held his hand in both of mine, and I ran my fingers over the swallow tattoo. “Have fun with your friends. You’re right, things haven’t been fun lately, and I’m sorry for that. You deserve a good time, even if I’m not there. Just have a drink for me, okay?”

He could have put out some things about how the party would be better if I was there. He could have sweet talked me into sitting on his lap again for the whole night. Instead, he squeezed my hand and said, “Straight tequila, right?”

Relief washed over me. “Yes. Remember to drink water too.”

“I gotchu, honey.” Then, he leaned in a pressed a sweet kiss to my lips. “Keep the bed warm for me.”

The taste of alcohol on his lips made me one percent more likely to join him in the festivities. The other ninety nine percent yeeted my ass to the bedroom. Once I was alone, the crushing feeling of deliberate isolation sent me to the surface of the bed.

I was the type of tired that kept me from actually sleeping. I could sleep through plenty of external noise, living in a college dorm was enough experience. It was just my foggy brain and burning throat getting in the way. I grabbed my Switch from the nightstand and played Smash Bros, tuning out the sounds of people having a better time than me.

Every so often, I heard people cheering or chanting, “chug, chug, chug!” I remained curled up in bed, fighting people online to get my frustrations out. Taylor Swift’s Love Story came on around 1AM and everyone screamed the lyrics, while I brought my t-shirt to the bridge of my nose to catch oncoming tears. I felt guilty and selfish every moment I wished Shawn was here to spoon me til I fell asleep. He spent so much time worrying about me, he deserved to forget it all once in a while. God knows I wanted to do the same, but my insides were still recovering.

I had put my Switch away and I was lying on my side by the time people were saying their goodbyes out in the apartment. Some guy was praising Shawn for having such “epic parties” as they put it. Weird, this was the first party of his that I witnessed. We’ve been together just over six months. How much of himself was he holding back because of me?

“Whoo!” I heard Shawn yell, followed by a glass shattering loudly.

The sound woke me up a little. Meaning, my legs got me standing and dashing out to the living room. My eyes scanned the place, which was now vacant of people and full of trash, but I found Shawn sitting on the floor just outside the hallway.

The place was a mess. Half empty cups, food, and mysterious stains covered every surface in the apartment. I was only worried about my boyfriend.

“Hey, cutie,” I said affectionately, bending down so we were at eye level.

Shawn’s eyes were hooded, but sparkling. He gave me a toothy grin and held up a peace sign.

Then, Teddy emerged from the kitchen. “Oh, did I wake you? I dropped a cup, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I wasn’t exactly sleeping,” I told her, still looking at Shawn. I waved my hand in front of his face, only for him to blink slowly. “Uh, how much has he had to drink?”

Teddy chewed her lip as she thought about it. “I lost count after his fourth shot.”

“My girlfriend told me to have ten tequilas,” Shawn slurred, belching right after. “I think I had like, six.”

I held my breath and waved off the stench. Someone was in for a long night, longer than normal. I didn’t think he would take me seriously, but then again, I did not tell him to have ten shots of straight tequila.

“Oh yeah, he mixed his liquor too,” Teddy said.

I sighed and moved Shawn’s long arm over my shoulders. “Okay, vamos mi chulo. Let’s get you to bed.”

Teddy stepped in to help get the six foot toddler to his feet. Shawn stumbled and swayed, his long arms hanging heavily on our shoulders. I baby talked him as we slowly strolled to the bedroom, and I told Teddy I could take it from there.

Shawn burped again as we got closer to the bed, and he groaned. “Ugh… this isn’t fun anymore.”

“Okay, let’s go to the bathroom,” I said, steering him the other way.

It took a minute to get him positioned in front of the toilet. It took less than a second for him to lean over the bowl and return everything he drank. As much as the sights and sounds of vomiting brought me dark and lonely flashbacks, I went and sat on the edge of the bathtub. I rubbed Shawn’s back and practically waited for it to end.

Once that was overwith, I really couldn’t go back to sleep. I managed to lay Shawn down on the mattress. The sparkle in his eyes was gone, now replaced with chilling emptiness. I took the liberty of pulling his leather boots off his feet, and I removed his socks as well. Then, I draped the comforter over his long body.

“Stay with me,” Shawn mumbled, his arm reaching out to me. “Let’s forget all the bad shit…”

It seems that no amount of alcohol could make him not think about the last couple of weeks. My heart began to ache all over again.

“Go to sleep, okay?” I said gently. “I’ll be with you when you go to sleep.”

Shawn whined. “You always die in my sleep. I love you too much to let you go.”

I had a feeling that that’s what he had been dreaming about. But I really could not get myself to lie down with him. I was too antsy from the vomiting.

“Wait for me, okay?” I told him, stroking his hair. “I’m only gonna be a few minutes, and I’ll come back.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

He’s drunk. He’s going to sleep no matter what.

Once Shawn was all tucked into bed, I left the room and quietly shut the door behind me. In the living room, Teddy was picking up plastic cups and shoving them into a giant trash bag. I really wasn’t expecting her to still be here. Wordlessly, I began helping her clean up. Anything to get my beating heart to slow down.

“What were you doing this whole time if you weren’t sleeping?” she asked me. “Was the music too loud?”

“No. It wasn’t anything from the party,” I replied, scooping up paper plates and used napkins. “Just had a long day. I wasn’t in the mood for a party.”

“Oh.”

She glanced at me a couple of times as she dumped more trash into the bag. This was supposed to be the part where I bare my soul to my boyfriend’s friend and make her my friend, but… Enough of my business was out there already.

Teddy, however, was persistent. “So, how come you didn’t want visitors at the hospital? Or when you got out, for that matter?”

I busied myself with fixing the sofa cushions so I could come up with a decent answer. “Uh, I like my privacy. Especially in moments where things are messy.”

“Hm. Well, aren’t messy moments the times when you need friends the most?”

That thought lingered in the air as we continued tidying up the living room. I could have had my video game club friends there, or Shawn’s friends, but instead I left most of the burden to Shawn himself. What kind of a person am I?

At last, Teddy got the last of the garbage in the bag, and she tied it shut. Then, we moved onto the kitchen. More cups, spilled booze, and the broken glass from earlier. Oh, how I did not miss house parties. I was at the prime age of partying, being 21. I should have been the type to be as drunk as my boyfriend was, to just have fun and forget the stresses of life. But I found myself on a completely different level than the people who were here tonight.

“Do you stay up late often?” Teddy asked, trying to fill the silence yet again.

We both paused as the sounds of loud, monotonous humming came from the bedroom. Teddy scrunched her brow and tilted her head. My shoulders tensed with chills, like ice cold water had been spilled down the back of my shirt.

“To answer your question,” I told her, “yes.”

She followed me to the room, but she stayed at the doorway while I went to Shawn’s quivering body.

“Baby, wake up,” I said urgently, shaking his arm. “Wake up, it’s only a dream, baby…”

He was on his back, head moving from side to side in harsh moments. He groaned, completely spastic, so I coaxed him some more.

My voice shook. “Shawn… please. I’m here, please-”

His eyes flew open with a loud gasp. He sat up, breathing hard and fast. I placed my hands on his broad shoulders, getting his attention.

“Hey, look at me. You’re okay, it’s okay. You’re safe.”

Brown eyes were wide with panic, and then sadness. Within a second, they were filling with tears, and Shawn was wrapping his arms around my waist. With a shaky sob, he buried his head in my neck and cried quietly.

I had a pained looked on my face while he wasn’t looking. I just held him and stroked his hair. I was whispering the things I always said when he was in this state. “You’re safe with me. It was just a dream, it’s not real.”

I was able to coax him back to sleep for the time being. It was only going to happen again, though. I didn’t know how to stop it from happening.

When I stepped out of the room again, I leaned against the wall by the doorway. Teddy was gone, probably fled the uncomfortable situation. Can’t say I blame her. I sighed heavily and brought the palms of my hands to my misty eyes. I was beyond exhausted now. I was at a loss.

A hand went on my shoulder all of a sudden, making me jump. I looked up, finding that Teddy was still here, glass of water in her hand. Her blue eyes were concerned and upset, like the world had just ended in front of her. I pushed past the feelings, though.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were still here,” I said, my voice thick with emotion. “Uh, did you need a ride home?”

She shook her head and held up the glass. “My fiance is coming soon. Here, drink.”

I offered a weak smile and accepted the gesture. As I sipped, Teddy said something that threw me off.

“He told me he was handling his nightmares. Had it all taken care of.”

“Why would he say that?” I asked in return.

“Didn’t want anyone to worry, I’m guessing. But I can see how tired he is. I can see how shaken up he is. I mean, he never goes as hard as he did tonight with the liquor. And worst of all, he hasn’t written a song in weeks. He hasn’t been in the studio at all.”

And it was my own damn fault.

“Does he tell you what he dreams about?” I dared to ask.

“No,” Teddy said. “I don’t think he tells anybody. I think he needs something beyond our help.”

“You’re right. I need to talk to him about this, because I know he’s not gonna talk to me.”

She placed her both her hands on my shoulders. “Hey. I’ve seen Shawn with quite a few girls over the last couple of years. I’ve never seen him head over heels until you came along. He loves you so much, he can’t fathom the idea of losing you. He loves you so much that he won’t talk to you about this because he doesn’t want you to feel bad.”

I wasn’t sure if that was supposed to make me feel better, because I was barely coherent as I spoke. “I already do…”

For once, I was up and running before Shawn was. His last nightmare happened around six in the morning, and after that he slept normally. The hangover probably had something to do with that. I left him a glass of water and painkillers on the nightstand, and then I went to the kitchen to attempt a type of breakfast.

By the time had eggs scrambled on a plate, Shawn was stumbling out of the room, glass of water in hand. He rubbed his eyes and yawned, and then he ran his fingers through his curly hair. He was still in the navy blue t-shirt he wore last night, but he ditched his jeans and went for the underwear look.

I met him halfway from the kitchen, presenting him with his mediocre breakfast. “Morning, sunshine.”

“For me?” he asked, and I nodded. “You’re the best.”

He sat at the round glass dining table as opposed to going to the living room. He must have been really hungover. I sat next to him and basked in the silence as he ate. My hands were tingling from the nerves.

“How ya feelin’?” I asked in a stupidly gently voice, reaching over to rub his arm.

He hummed through a mouthful of eggs. When he swallowed, he spoke. “My head is pounding. But I took the pills you left for me. Thank you for that, by the way. Who cleaned the apartment?”

“Me and Teddy. After you knocked out, we just decided to tidy up so no one had to worry about it the next day.”

“Well, thank you. One less thing to worry about.” He ate in silence some more, and then spoke some words that truly had me puzzled. “I slept the whole night for once. Feels good.”

Must be nice to not remember your night terrors. However, I had to tell him.

“Shawn…” I said slowly. “You woke up like five times. You had a panic attack one of those times.”

He slowed his chewing, staring at the table top in thought. He stayed quiet, and it freaked me out. He practically shut down, and it scared me for multiple reasons.

“I don’t know how to help you,” I admitted, watching him carefully.

“It’ll wear off,” he said weakly.

“You don’t know that.” I had to be firm. “I don’t know what you’re seeing in your sleep, but I know it scares you so much that you won’t talk about it. And you talk about everything, so that’s how I know it’s bad.”

Shawn looked down, still silent. Not giving me a possible solution to this. Does he even want help? Or am I just exaggerating and losing my mind?

“You don’t have to talk to me about it,” I continued. “Just talk to somebody. Last night, Teddy told me that you were taking care of all of this, but you’re not. I don’t know how you’re functioning during the day, because I’ve been exhausted and sleep deprived. I know you are too, and I’m not the only one who sees it. I, I don’t know how much longer I can watch you go through this.”

Again, he was quiet. He was never quiet. Shawn was feisty and passionate, ready to say anything to prove his point at any given moment. He had strayed from the Shawn Mendes I loved in such a short amount of time. It was happening so fast, watching him slip through my fingers. It felt like I was the one in a nightmare.

“Please,” I mumbled, my voice quavering. My bottom lip began to quiver.

Shawn suddenly looked up at me, eyes wide at the sounds coming out of me. Even when he was sinking, he still paid more attention when I was about to cry.

“I’ll, I’ll give you my therapist’s number,” I offered, losing my composure. “I-I don’t know if she’s taking anymore clients, but I-I-I’ll give up my sessions for you. I’ll do anything if it means you’ll get some help. Shawn, I… I’m begging you. I’m begging you to get help, because I don’t know what to do anymore… a-and it’s because of me why you’re like this, a-a-and I’m sorry-”

I gasped when I realized Shawn had placed his hands on either side of my face. His thumbs rubbed my tear stricken cheeks, and he spoke calmly and gently.

“Okay,” he said. “Okay, I’ll get help. I promise. I don’t wanna go through this anymore either. I promise I’ll figure this out.”

I guess that’s how I knew I was falling in love. The want and need for him to be okay was so great, there was nothing I wouldn’t do to make that happen. The fact that he was not okay was ripping me a new one. I couldn’t even breathe when he slept. I couldn’t even think about how much I wanted to be in California, because then I’d have to think about leaving Shawn all alone. Who would talk him down from his night terrors?

My hospital stay alone triggered nightmares and eerie silence from him. But what would Shawn have done if I had died altogether?

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #fourtristattoosspring #shawn x goth gf #if this doesnt show up in the tags imma fuckin riot #im jk ill just cry again probably #i may have cried writing this lulz

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vvardenfellcat · 8 years ago

Text

SHIPPING INFO // Answer the following for your muse(s) so people know how shipping works on your blog. REPOST. Don’t reblog.

Stolen from uh...lots of people at this point. Took me a while to get to it. @aglitchinemotion finally got my booty in gear tho.

WHAT’S YOUR OTP FOR YOUR MUSE(S)?

I have a few... Though it’s more of ‘hey these two/three/etc would be cute and actually get along and heeeeyyyy that might actually work in canon! I wonder...

Nothing’s canon yet for TES!J’hasi, though Aldaril and Morwaen have a one-sided thing going on atm. Mori, pls...show the poor mer some mercy...

Modern!TES AU J’hasi, Maarzi, and Jeer-Rah are a thing, Al and Morwaen are a thing, Icarus and mead is a thing... All the ships. Welcome to my self-indulgent paradise.

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO RP WHEN IT COMES TO SHIPPING?

Depends on how well I know you. Unless you’re Paige I doubt it would go further than fade to black after smooches and whatnot. I’ve started writing the Porns™ to try and see if I like doing it/find it worthwhile, and while I enjoy the emotionally-connected ones, the stand of the night type ones aren’t fun to me. Still have to issue copies to Quality Control to determine their Hot Stuff merit.

TL;DR full blown prons are doubtful unless I’m really close friends with the mun first, else varies between No and fade-to-black depending on how well I know the mun.

HOW LARGE DOES THE AGE GAP HAVE TO BE TO MAKE IT UNCOMFORTABLE?

Under 18 is a Hell No, TES is uh...weird with people living hundreds of years and yet some only 80ish or w/e so I guess it depends on how old they seem? Mer, man. Can’t get a good bead on em agewise. I suppose if there’s like a huge gap like Mr. 800 years old shacking up with someone around 400 that would be weird to me. A hundred years gap wouldn’t be too bad assuming the younger is like...30s? 40s? At least. Mid 20s would be the lowest I’d go with something like that, and even then that’s pushing it. Two hundred gap would be ehh...and anything beyond that is sort of a ‘how is each individual case like’?

Modern AU (aka not TES Modern AU) I guess like 10 ish gap is the most? Not much higher than that because then you get weird things of like ‘oh I was a teenager when you were born’ stuff and that rubs me the wrong way.

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WHEN SHIPPING?

I mean I’m a bit selective with rping, like...I can’t up and ship with someone if I don’t know them. And yes, that has happened in the past and it made me not want to ship ever again because someone didn’t know/didn’t care that it’s not cool to write my character for me. And horribly OOC too. Yuck.

Honestly we’d have to be mutuals for a while before I’d be okay with shipping. Especially if it was J’hasi because LET ME TELL YOU THAT BOY FEEL TOO GOTDAMN MUCH FOR HIM GOTDAMN HEART. And yeah they have to have chemistry. And while most of my characters are more easygoing with the romance and boinking stuff, J’hasi is one of those that’s hard to get to that point because Trust Issues and whatnot. Anyone’s welcome to try, just know that we’d have to know each other and the muses in question would have to have some chemistry before anything progresses beyond verbal sparring.

HOW FAR DO STEAMY MOMENTS HAVE TO GO BEFORE THEY’RE CONSIDERED NS.FW?

Once someone goes beyond the belt, that’s the point that I’d say yeah that’s nsfwy-stuffs. Smooches and whatnot are safes, making out, etc, but once someone starts digging around in the other’s pants then yeah that’s a decent marker. I’d likely readmore it once it got beyond smooches for sake of people who don’t want to read two muses fooling around with each other but it wouldn’t get the NSFW tag until aforementioned marker.

WHO ARE OTHER MUSES YOU SHIP YOUR MUSE WITH?

I thought I was asked this before x_x UHHHHMMM usually it’s more of ‘who’s possible’, since I don’t set anything in stone until the characters meet in RP. I may misread a character and then the ship would be weird once I learn my mistake, so I tend to ask lots of questions of the person in question like ‘if x met y and they did z, how would they react?’ I do this with situations outside of shipping too because I LIKE LEARNING ABOUT CHARACTERS MANG.

Private ships are private ships, usually self-indulgent whatever to help me practice writing interpersonal communication and possibly sexytiems so I can learn what sounds natural because it’s a new type of writing for me, same as when I was first learning how to write actiony stuffs and MAJOR DOOM plots and whatever. The pronoun game kills me because 90% of it is gay. Maarzi and her gf Riheh is one of my fave ships because MAARZI IS SUCH A FUCKING TEASE AND THEN RIHEH CATCHES HER OFF-GUARD CONSTANTLY AND I LOVE THEM.

...I just realized I haven’t done any straight NSFW yet aside from that thread with Moj and Sham. I should...probably remedy that. Oops.

DOES ONE HAVE TO ASK TO SHIP WITH YOU?

I’m fine with your character feeling as they will, it’s your character, that’s how they do. It’s when you try to push it onto my character without asking for permission that I get irritated. Like by all means, a character can make passes at mine, flirt, w/e, that’s totally fine. It’s when someone thinks that because my muse reacts a certain way back that they think it’s canon then, which. No. You ask me.

Sometimes my characters flirt back because that’s just how they are. They might be trying to use your muse’s apparent interest to suit their needs. Muses may not explain their reasoning for acting x way, so it’s better to ask me to see if it’s genuine ‘ay let’s ship’ vs ‘my character is using yours to get out of a situation or for their own selfish gain’. Plus, if I don’t know you, a ship isn’t going to happen. I need to know the mun before I make any commitments.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU LIKE TO SHIP?

I’m with Dust!mod on this one, when it makes sense. I’m not romantically inclined irl, so it’s not like I Need it, it’s just something fun and new to play with, like when you get a new toy. You have lots of other toys, and that’s yet another you have at your disposal. Say that you think that the situation would be more exciting if Mr. Dinosaur came in and interrupted the tea party with some dire news from the front, or maybe he wants to confess that he loves Mr. Sheep and doesn’t want Mr. Sheep to elope with Tonka Truck, or that Tonka Truck was actually using Mr. Sheep for his billions in assets to make war on the Hot Wheels regime. It could be integral to the plot, or just give another facet to it, adding some extra drama to the Shit Going Down. The world is your oyster, friend.

ARE YOU MULTISHIP?

Nnnnnnah. I tried AU stuff with other fandoms, didn’t like, and I don’t need multiple verses of the same TES verse to handle. Not to mention like...why would you multiship when you can have polyamory? Way easier imo. Imagine the cuddlepiles. The only exception I have for this is Modern!TES but that’s more of ‘this is my self-indulgent paradise, I’ll make everyone hold hands if I want to’, and that’s...kinda my personal verse since I haven’t really talked about it much and I don’t think other people would be into it lmao

ARE YOU SHIP OBSESSED OR SHIP MORE-OR-LESS?

If it’s friends, lovers, rivals, sworn enemies, whatever relationship a muse has with another, it’s all good in my book. It’s great to have character-developing interactions no matter how it’s brought about, if your friend is concerned about x habit you have, or if you got the hots for some new friend on the block, or if you can’t fucking stand your new co-worker/peer, or someone decided that You Need To Die For X Reason And You Just Won’t Go Quietly.

I don’t hold any over the others in terms of importance, like sometimes I’m more in the mood for rival battles, sometimes I just want nerds to cuddle and read together. It just depends on what mood I’m in for at the moment.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SHIP IN YOUR CURRENT FANDOM?

Uhhhhhh I can’t think of any atm. I get a stupid grin on my face when me and @brothersofthedominion come up with ideas for our plots involving a giant golden boy and a srs golden girl, but my current favorite ship that I think about a lot is stuck in self-indulgent paradise world.

FINALLY, HOW DOES ONE SHIP WITH YOU?

I gotta know who tf you are first. Ask interactions are good for this, because then it unlocks the possibility of rps, which then once I have a good idea of who you are, then there’s a chance of shipping. Else it’s gonna end up being your muse tryna flirt with mine with little chance of getting anywhere other than flirting back or in J’hasi’s case, likely a big fat |:/

#bc of mentions #aglitchinemotion #brothersofthedominion #therunawayscamps #therunawayscamp #LOTS OF WORDS #this was a good way to wake up tho #i might actually link this in my rules page honestly #ooc #shiprules

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