#never does she do it without asking unless she's been given prior permission

[br4ndts]

even though mantis CAN manipulate people's emotions, this is not something she does anymore unless there is an actual cause for it. she doesn't go around playing with people like that, she realized that it wasn't right to do this and stopped long ago. the only time she manipulates people like that is during battle to gain an upper hand, and never on her teammates or those she cares about and loves unless asked.

[whimsicalbumblebee]

Omori KH AU! CONTINUED

So uh it has been... a while, but I have more thoughts in relation to Sunny getting his Keyblade and how he met the rest of the group so heres a bit of a prequel bit!

In Faraway town, kids are given a test on their 12th birthday, to see if the Keyblade has chosen them.

(remember, this is prior to the events of BBS in KH Canon so there are potential keyblade wielders in each world but the number is falling because of growing darkness in hearts)

This has gotten long.. .so under the cut it goes!

MASTERPOST

The nature of the test is secretive, most people unaware of the keyblade existence, kept secret to prevent it from causing more people to fall to darkness.

The test is one where you're supposed to face your darkest fears, if you call upon the keyblade to fight it, you pass, if you cannot, you, fail.

Sunny faces the test on his 12th bday, its a room with a singular mirror. All he was told is he has to defend himself. There is no weapons or tools in this room he could use...he knows *some* magic, noticing a pool of water surrounding the mirror and hoping thats enough for him to call upon blizzard or water magic strong enough to fight.

He faces the mirror, and sees Omori facing back, but he doesn't recognize it as Omori at the time, just himself. He steps out the mirror, Darkness enveloping him, forming into a spider like monster.

Sunny is... terrified.

His vision starts to darken, he steps back. Spidersomething steps forward, Sunny steps back again, swaying, sweating, unable to scream. He starts tearing up.

Spidersomething strikes. Sunny brings his arms up, a glow of light enveloping him for a second before he blacks out, falling into the water.

He could have sworn he heard a familiar voice yelling his name as he hits the water.

Mari was one of the people watching the test. She had permission to, already entrusted with the Keyblade and thus allowed to be present as her baby brother tested for his. That is to say, Sunny had no clue Mari was watching.

When she saw Sunny summon the keyblade to defend himself before falling into the water, she didnt hesitate to jump from her spot looking down on to the room to save him.

Sunny awoke to yelling. He recognized the voice, it was...Mari. She seemed to be outside the room he was asleep in...wait.. asleep? He was in a bed, it wasnt his...he didnt recognize the place. But Mari is here... so its okay, right?

But she was upset, yelling, Sunny has never heard her raise her voice like that.

"You said he was going to be safe!"

"And he was! We weren't going to let him get hurt"

"But he almost drowNED!"

"I can assure you someone would've saved him if you hadn't gotten there first!"

There's a scuffle and a yelp... it sounded like the person Mari was upset at.

"Please Mari, I'm sure your brother will wake up soon!"

"Its been 2 day! If he's not injured then why isn't he waking up???!"

"I- I'm not sure but it has to be because of the shock of the situation!"

"You better be right."

There is another sound, a thump. The other guy must have fallen.

The door to the room opened and Sunny saw Mari's face go from anger, to shock, to tears as she rushed to him, hugging him.

Sunny...started crying too. He recalled the test, how he cowardly passed out... he failed Mari... and now he made her worry.

He mumbled apologies into her shoulder, and Mari pulled back, asking why.

He mentions he failed her, the test too and now he won't go to the same school as Mari.

Mari made a "O" at that, before breaking into a smile, her thumb wiping Sunny's tears.

"Silly Sunshine, you passed the test."

Sunny...passed? Was she just saying it? But Mari didn't give him room to say that, moving to the side of the bed.

"Hold out your hand Sunny" She instructed.

And so he did. What he didn't expect was... a beam of light, a key, appearing in his hand.

She explained to him the true purpose of the test, how the Keyblade chose to protect him.

Soon, Sunny would be going to the same school as Mari. It's what he's always dreamed of.

He starts school the next day, and is introduced to a handful of new people, or rather, Mari is the one to introduce him to them.

"This is Henry, but we call him Hero! He's my age so we're training together!"

"Nice to finally meet the Sunny, Mari kept talking about!"

Hero, to Sunny, was kind, his voice gentle like Mari's. Not loud at all. He didn't like it when Hero ruffled his hair though.

Next up was Kel.

Mari didn't get to finish introducing him before Kel butted in, excited and eager.

"I'm 12 too! But older than you, obviously! Can I see your keyblade?"

Sunny was a little overwhelmed but he summoned his keyblade for Kel.

"Oh its so small! Just like you! Look at mine!"

Kel Summons his keyblade. "Heh, its the best one!"

"No its not!" A third voice intrudes. "Don't listen to him, he's just like that all the time! I'm Aubrey! I'm also 12!" The girl introduces herself.

"What do you mean its not the best, it clearly is!"

"Nuh uh, thats mine! See its PINK!" She summons hers. It was indeed, pink.

"Pink is gross!" Kel made a face at Aubrey.

"He-hey thats enough both of you! We don't want Sunny to get a bad impression of either of you, do we now!" Mari breaks them up.

"Sorry Mari, but Kel started it!"

"No I didn-"

Hero thankfully comes by to separate Kel from the group before he and Aubrey start fighting. Mari explains that Hero is Kel's older brother.

Sunny goes to Hero, looking at him expectantly. Hero looks confused for a moment before holding out his hand and summoning his Keyblade. It was...pretty cool. Wow...

Sunny thinks this is all of them but then he spots a person in the distance, watching from afar. Mari follows his gaze and her eyes go wide.

"Oh Basil! Are you feeling better?" She rushes towards the person, Sunny following behind.

"A...little.." the boy gives Mari a small smile.

"Sunny this is Basil! He's been feeling ill for a bit but hes your age too! Basil, this is my little brother, Sunny." She introduces them.

"Hi Sunny!" Basil smiles, he looks pretty fragile, Sunny notes, and like he hasn't been sleeping well.

Sunny waves with his free hand, bringing attention to his keyblade in his other.

"Yours look a lot like Mari's!" Basil points out.

"It does, doesn't it?" She smiles holding out her hand so Sunny could see hers.

It really was similar...

Sunny looks at Basil expectantly but Basil only averts his eyes.

"Maybe...some other time, I think I should head back to bed."

Theres something curious about the way Basil was acting, but Sunny doesn't know him quite enough to be sure.

In any case, Sunny starts classes.

There are major introductory ones, where rules of keyblade are taught. About keeping the secrecy of it, how they aren't allowed to let anyone hold it or present it outside of the school unless of an emergency.

There are basic magic courses too, as well as training grounds for physical attacks.

The others are quite a bit ahead of sunny, with him being the last to join.

Mari and Hero are training for their eventual Mark of Mastery and... Basil still hasn't been coming to any of the classes.

Sunny almost forgot Basil was even a student until he found him sneaking off after training.

Sunny follows Basil into a part of the building he's never been to before. Basil doesn't notice Sunny until after he's stopped in front of a door, Sunny standing besides him.

"Ah! I wasn't DOING ANYTHING MA- wait... you're Mari's little brother, Sunny...right? Wa- wait what are you doing here?"

Sunny just looks at Basil.

"Oh- you followed me.. didnt you? You can head back, I was just...doing something."

"..." Sunny knows Basil is hiding something and doesn't quite budge.

"Ah... alright, I'll tell you... the truth is.. there was an accident during training a while back and now.. I can't summon my keyblade." He opens the door, "I found the mirror they use for the test and I thought.. if I could summon my keyblade like the first time, everything will be better."

Sunny nods and follows Basil inside. Basil doesn't expect Sunny to stick around, why would he? But he does, giving Basil two thumbs up as he returns it with a weak smile.

Basil faces the mirror, a shadow stranger looks back at him. Something envelopes the shadowed figured and escapes the mirror, tendrils coming out from all ends.

Basil is... terrified, holding his hand out waiting for the keyblade to appear. It doesn't and the creature attacks Basil. Sunny....rushes over, using the basic Blizzard spell at the creature to freeze it in place before pull Basil to the side.

"It ... was hopeless after all, huh Sunny?" Basil has tears in his eyes.

Sunny summons his Keyblade and holds it out to Basil. "Sunny?" Sunny nudges it towards him, hand out towards Basil.

"You want me to take this? But the rules-"

Sunny simply points to the shadow demon. "Not strong enough..."

"Oh right, I guess you...don't know how to fight..,alright, I'll fend him off, get somewhere safe"

Sunny's keyblade in hand, Basil fights black smoke and tentacles coming from the shadow figure.

Basil's fighting is sloppy... compared to how he's seen Hero and Mari fight, but he's still weakening the beast, the shadow backing into the mirror with each attack. A sudden attack knocks the keyblade from Basil's hand, it hitting the ground and vanishing. Basil is knocked back, huffing in pain as he watches the tentacles lash out towards Sunny further back.

"Sunny!" Without thinking Basil rushes over towards Sunny, leaping into the air and slashing down with a glow of light. In his hand, a keyblade, glowing gold and green. The creatures hisses, completely vanishing into the mirror. Basil stares at the rematerialized keyblade, his keyblade in awe, before realizing the situation and turning to seal the mirror.

He's smiling as he faces Sunny, happy tears in his eyes.

"All I could think of was protecting you... and my keyblade came to help...T-Thank you Sunny, I couldn't have done this without you. You wanted to see my keyblade right? See! This is it!"

He holds it out proudly, basically glowing. Sunny couldn't help but smile at him back, "Pretty."

Its after this day that Basil rejoins classes, and becomes closer to Sunny, his best friend from those in his class ^^!

And this is! it! A lot longer than expected with more dialogue than anticipated but! here it be!

If you've read this far, thank you! Please lemme know your thoughts!

-Bee

[good-rwbyaus]

How does Yang react to the rumors her lil sis has become a professor

Perspective :: Yang // Becoming - mod lilac [ main chapter ] [ P: Weiss ]

logo-comics asked: What about an AU where everyone had somehow been under the mistaken assumption that Ruby was a professor at Beacon? For a laugh, Ozpin rolls with it whenever he's asked about it.

// this perspective piece was harder to write than I thought. also trollpin - lilac

---

“I’ll be sure to set aside an office for you, Professor,” the Headmaster spoke with mirth as he and Ruby spoke at Beacon’s courtyard, watching the students arrive for orientation. 

“Stop calling me that! I just wanted to know if students could have their own private rooms!” Ruby stomped on the ground.

“Students, no. Professors, well...” 

“Argggh!” 

Yang was treated to the sight of her normally shy, bubbly sister hopping up and down angrily, pointing impolitely at the man that’ll soon be their Headmaster. Ruby’s uncharacteristic actions shocked her brain so thoroughly that she needed a moment to reboot.   

“Wait! Yang?!” Ruby exclaimed upon spotting her.

“Hey, Ruby.” Yang replied dazedly before internally wincing at her unenthusiastic-sounding response - too shocked from her sister’s prior actions. 

Luckily though, Ruby didn’t notice anything and was in fact enthusiastic enough for the both of them. Her sister’s eyes lighting up was the only warning she got before she felt Ruby pounce onto her, the other girl wrapping her in a tight hug. 

“You made it!” Ruby happily said, “I missed you!” 

Yang couldn’t help but hug her back smiling, not quite sure what’s made the other girl so affectionate, especially in such a public showy way. 

“I missed you too, sis,” she replied warmly, patting her head. Come to think of it these two months have been the longest they’ve been apart in years. Even when she took mini-missions at Signal to prepare for Beacon, the longest interval was 48 hours. Curious at her sister’s sudden change, she asked, “Yeesh, what happened to you over the past two months?"

"Eh, you know. Landed a blow on my teacher. Got myself blown up a couple times,” Ruby started counting on her fingers, “Got dangled out of a tower. Accidentally made a mess of things when I fought in a real team for the first time. Uhhh, not exactly in that order. “ Ruby scrunched up her face, which made her laugh.

“Sounds like you’ve been having fun,” Yang replied with a grin, though she gave the girl a quick onceover to make she’s truly alright - which it looked like she was.

“Yup. At least when they’re not sticking me in a classroom or hanging out with this old troll here,” Ruby resentfully gave the Headmaster a glare.

Yang choked on her spit at her sister’s audacity.

“What did you say? I’m hard of hearing, Professor Rose,” Ozpin blandly stated, “I think I heard someone asking me that she wanted to have her professorship announced tonight.”

“Don’t you dare!” 

She listened as the two bickered back and forth. Well, more like Ozpin speaking and Ruby reacting. Hearing Ruby talk like this to an authority still frazzled her brain, and it was only Ruby saying something even more unusual that brought her out of her daze.

“And you still won’t tell me their name!” 

“Huh, whose name?” Yang asked reflexively, slightly worried about that little tidbit. Did oblivious-to-everything-but-weapons Ruby find someone she liked? At least someone will share Dad’s overbearingness when she started dating too. Ha. 

“His weapon’s name,” Ruby pointed at the cane Ozpin was holding. “His cane. It’s really something special, but you can’t tell unless you get your hands on it.” She then smugly grinned, “which I managed.”

The Headmaster quirked up an eyebrow before retorting, “you wrapped your hands and legs around it like a sloth and then refused to get off.”

“AND his weapon’s heavier than it looks but in a way I can’t really describe - like something more than physical. And there’s something like a heart ticking away, and it’s been ticking for a long time like an ancient clock,” Ruby said animatedly, her words speeding up with her excitement, “it's like watching one of those films before scroll technology or remembering a long memor-”

Well, at least some things didn’t change - like Ruby’s weapon obsession.

"You know, it’s rude to talk about other people’s weapons without their permission, Prof-” Ozpin cut her off.

“Ah, sorry, Headmaster,” Ruby bowed before lifting her head, “Wait, stop calling me that!” 

She had been so focused on her sister that she missed the Headmaster tightening the grip on his cane and the quickly-hidden shock on his face. 

======================================================

She couldn’t move, her limbs locking under the beady red gaze of the Beowulf in front of her. It lifted its claw into the air, about to deliver its death sentence. 

“Don’t hurt my sis!” A small five year-old ran in front of her, placing herself between the claw and herself.

“Ruby!” 

Somehow, someway, she found the strength to move. She stumbled onto her sister and wrapped her arms tight around her, turning away and preparing to protect the younger girl with her body. To protect her from the consequences of the mess she created. She closed her eyes, prepared for the pain. 

------

Yang groaned and slowly opened her eyes, lifting herself up to look at the other students snoozing around her. Ugh, she would have that nightmare again before Initiation started tomorrow. Or was it today? Crap.  

Sleepy eyes shut closed as she flopped back into her sleeping bag, waiting for oblivion to claim her. And for a minute or two, she managed to be still as a rock. 

“Argh. It’s useless.” She sat back up. 

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” 

The blonde quickly turned her head towards the raven-haired girl sitting by the windowsill, a book in her hands. Blake. 

“Can’t sleep obviously. What about you?”

“I’m used to staying up at night. I’m reading an interesting book after all,” Blake replied cheekily. 

Yang snorted, given that Blake had used that excuse to ignore her when she first tried to strike up a conversation. 

“The Schnee Dust Company’s heir seems to have taken a liking to your sister,” Blake said casually, “If it were me, I’d treat it as a bad thing, but I guess it’s good to have someone's backing.”

“Nah. I was listening in on that conversation. The moment that girl spoke about having an expert maintain her weapon was the moment she lost Ruby entirely,” she laughed. 

The scathing look Ruby gave the Schnee Heiress could’ve peeled paint. If there was an equivalent of a horse whisperer for weapons, it was Ruby. But as much as Ruby had disdain for those who didn’t respect their weapons, she wouldn’t show it - at least the Ruby of two months ago. She would’ve buried it deep inside and just be happy with the fact that someone was talking to her. 

Yang sighed. 

“...Ruby. She’s changed so much.”

“How so?” Blake inquired, closing her book shut. 

“Hmm. Why so curious?” Yang pouted, holding her heart, “Especially when you didn’t want to hear anything about little old me?”

“Well, the opportunity to learn more about Beacon’s youngest professor is hard to pass up,” Blake then added playfully, “don’t worry. You’re still interesting.”  

“I thought the professor thing was a joke,” Yang said in confusion, “Isn’t it?”

Was it though? She never heard Ruby outright deny it, just requested vehemently that the Headmaster not publicly announce it. Huh.

“I thought so too, but Ruby’s a bit special, isn’t she? Early entry to Beacon, taking solo missions, acting super casual with the Headmaster,” Blake replied, looking over at her, “It’s hard not to wonder.”

“I don’t think she is? I mean she would’ve told me, her sister - but...” Yang hesitated, “she’s changed a lot in the past two months. It’s like I don’t recognize my own sister anymore.” She grimaced, running a hand through her blonde bangs, “Ever felt that way about someone you’ve known for a long time and then bam what happened?”

Blake glanced outside the window and into the starry sky. 

“Yeah, I know a bit about that... But what about your sis? Might as well get it off your mind,” Blake sat crosslegged, staring expectantly and sincerely, clearly ready to listen.

With some hesitation, she glanced over at the sleeping girl several tables over with the Schnee girl sleeping a couple sleeping bags over, not quite ready to give up trying to recruit her. Good luck, brat.  

“Well my sis didn’t really have friends at Signal. She’s a loner but not really by choice. She tried so hard to fit in, but she never really clicked with anyone. No one really understood her or made the effort to.” Yang trailed off guiltily, “Maybe that’s why she could make the decision to come to Beacon so easily, because she had no one.” 

“I... I kinda expected I would have to give her a pep talk when I came here,” Yang admitted, “because Beacon required its members to form a team, even more so than Signal. I thought I would have to cheer my sis on about how she’ll find the right team but also telling her that I can’t be her partner and she needs to learn how to work with others.”

“But instead I see a confident girl who no longer seems afraid to let others know who she is. I see a fish in water. I see someone who’s found their place in life and is holding onto it with her own two hands. And also apparently making small talk and arguing with our Headmaster till she’s red in the face. Ugh, I don’t even know if she’s a professor. ” 

“Wait, so you seriously don’t know if your sister’s a professor?”

“Is that the only thing you took out of this?” Yang dropped her jaw, appalled, “I just poured my heart out to you, Blake! You have to take responsibility.”

The ebony-haired girl flushed wonderfully at her choice of words before grumpily rebutting, “W-who asked you to do that?”

A moment of silence passed between them, neither of them knowing what to say. 

It was Blake who broke the silence. “I think...you’re just having complicated feelings on seeing your younger sister grow up. I mean you seem like a good older sister, so you’ve probably protected Ruby all this time. And now that she no longer needs your protection, you probably feel a bit lost but also a bit of pride too.”

“Huh,” Yang blinked several times pondering what Blake said for a couple seconds, and then she smiled, a bittersweet feeling in her heart, “I think you’re right. I’m happy she’s grown up, but I also kinda miss the girl who’d cry when her weapon would go missing. Haha.” 

She then gazed playfully at Blake, “Oh Blake, why are you so wise?”

“Eh, I read it in a fortune cookie once,” Blake deadpanned without missing a beat.

“Ugh, and somehow my reverence for you has been lost,” Yang sighed before smiling, “But seriously, thanks for listening. Do you... Well... I heard you mentioned someone that you feel the same way about?”

Blake paused before shaking her head. 

“Ah, sorry. It’s a long story, and it’s late, and...” Blake said before adding in a dramatic baritone, “you haven’t progressed enough on the Blake Belladonna social link to know about that yet.” She stuck her tongue out before turning over to the side to go to bed.

“Oh come on! Pour your heart out to me now!” Yang said dramatically but upon seeing no response from the other girl, she snorted, “Fine. I’ll get to bed, and I’ll totally unlock more of the Blake storyline in the future. Does it end in romance at least?”

“Ugh. I’m not dignifying that with an answer. Good night, Yang.”

Yang laughed. 

-------

“And now even my sister thinks I’m a professor!” Ruby wailed at Headmaster Ozpin, pointing a finger back at her. Yang could only give the Headmaster an apologetic grin - probably should’ve asked Ruby in a more subtle way - as Ruby ranted on, “And no one else believes me when I deny it. That’s your fault!” Ruby groused.  

“Don’t worry, Miss Rose. I’ll be sure to do something about the rumors this evening,” the Headmaster spoke warmly, “You can walk back to your seat and see how I resolve this.”

As soon as Ruby sat down, Ozpin stood up tapping his glass with the back of his fork. All the students fell into silence upon noticing who was making the commotion, and all the attention quickly fell on him.

“Ah-hem. I have an announcement to make,” Ozpin spoke calmly, “I would just like to say that Ruby Rose is not a professor at Beacon. The fact she is on a first name basis with all your professors or participated in a mysterious extracurricular activity two months prior to her entry to Beacon is completely irrelevant,” Ozpin continued on before pausing briefly, a spark of amusement in his eyes, “And I suppose the fact she graduated from Signal two years early is also not that important. That and her impeccable display with her team during Initiation. Alright, that is all. ”

The man glanced over at Ruby, his gaze clearly asking ‘are you happy?’ to the girl.

Ruby only beamed happily in satisfaction.  

Oh my god. 

Ruby was right. 

Ozpin is a troll. 

And she could only facepalm at Ruby’s complete obliviousness to the fact that Ozpin’s wishy-washy way of explaining things probably made things a lot worse. 

Well, at least no one is going to call Ruby Professor to her face now. 

Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.  

[yellowmagicalgirl]

What a Beautiful Wedding (and Yes, but What a Shame)

Douxie asks Aja for advice. Krel asks Archie for almost the exact same advice: how to properly propose.

Written for the Camelot/Akiridion-V prompt for Krexie Week. Yes, I know it’s late. The title’s from a Panic! at the Disco song, and there’s some historical inaccuracies because I didn’t want to have to deal with historical homophobia. Also there's a single mention of violence.

AO3

FFN

Getting a private audience with the queen of Akiridion-V was difficult. It was less difficult given that Douxie was her brother's boyfriend of several years, but that didn't mean that Aja wasn't a busy woman. And it was even harder for Douxie to get a truly private audience with her, one without Krel. Sure, this was a conversation that intimately involved Krel, but he was not allowed to be here to listen to the conversation. Therefore, Douxie had had several months to prepare his question. He shouldn't have been so nervous, except some part of him worried that he might have to duel Aja for Krel's honor. Or if not Aja, then Zadra or Varvatos. And Douxie would probably only be allowed to use a serrator, because honor.

"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" Aja asked as she closed the door.

Douxie wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. "What are Akiridion marriage proposals like?"

"Did he?" Aja put all of her hands to her mouth.

"If Krel proposed in a traditional Akiridion manner, I wouldn't be asking you because he would mope about me not telling him whether or not I wanted to marry him, and I'd be asking Krel. No, I wanted to know so I could propose to him."

"I see," Aja said, and her voice was more grave than Douxie expected. "Do you truly love my brother?"

"Of course I do!" The only living person that Douxie loved as much as Krel was Archie.

Aja gave him a thin smile. "I believe you, and I know that Krel cares about you deeply. But you should know, that I can think of one reason why he would reject any proposal of a formal marriage."

Douxie frowned. "What?"

"According to the laws of the Akiridion Empire," Aja began, scowling. She had done her best to reform Akiridion-V to be unlike the greater empire that had abandoned her and her family to Morando's coup. However, even with the power of the entire planet and its allies, she couldn't win an outright war with the rest of the empire. Not unless she or Krel used the full power of Gaylen against the rest of the empire. "Any royal who marries a non-royal Akiridion must get permission from the Emporer of Akiridion Prime. Otherwise, they'll lose their status as a royal."

"They'll cut his arms off?"

"No, nothing that barbaric. Or at least, it hasn't happened for hundereds if not thousands of keltons, to the best of my knowedge. And we're such a backwater part of the empire that lesser nobles could marry outside the caste with little difficulty. But Krel's the King-in-Waiting, and -"

"- I'm nobody on the galactic scale, and therefore the Emporer wouldn't approve of us." In fact, outside of Arcadia Oaks and Earth's supernatural community, and niche alt emo punk goth rock circles, Douxie was a nobody on Earth as well. "Is that why you broke up with Steve?"

"No, it was because we couldn't make long-long-long distance work. Though, I wouldn't have been able to marry him anyways." Aja sighed. "Trust me, I want the two of you to be happy together. And I know Krel doesn't care much for his status as a royal - he'd rather be remembered for his accomplishments as a physicist, engineer, hero to multiple planets... But I suspect he might refuse if only to keep me from being the only member of House Tarron. And if he does, I will try to convince him that him marrying you wouldn't be a betrayal to me."

"I understand. And, it's not like we have to get married. I want to marry Krel, but in the end it's more of a legal thing than proof of how much we love each other."

"Okay. So Akiridion proposals don't involve any physical gifts. Instead, they're a dance. I mean, you could probably modify it so you end it in the Earth way, by genuflecting and offering a ring. I'm going to walk you through the steps of a commoner's dance, and then I'll try to teach you the movements that a royal would use. Maybe you could use your magic to mimic the parts you'd need an extra pair of arms for?"

Douxie was out and about. Running errands, or something. Krel didn't mind. It gave him the perfect opportunity to talk to his boyfriend's familiar without risking Douxie walking in on the conversation. Not when the subject of the conversation was supposed to be a surprise for Douxie.

Krel had prepared this question for several months. Or rather, he had prepared himself to ask. He had looked deep within himself, and at his relationship with his sister. She was doing remarkably well as queen, far better than Krel could have ever imagined before the coup. She didn't need him as an heir, not when she had recently started mentoring their cousin's children. One from House Ventis and one from House Akraohm, in hopes that by keeping this balance their relatives wouldn't go to war like they had been for hundereds of keltons before their parents had married.

He would ask his question to Archie, and then Krel would ask Aja if she was okay with this, and then he would ask Douxie to marry him.

Krel placed the plate of roasted salmon in front of Archie. "What were Camelot's marriage customs like?"

Archie took a bite of the salmon before looking up at Krel. "Why do you want to know?" Archie took another bite, swallowed, and then sat up straight. "Oh."

"Yeah. I know what modern Earth proposals are like, and as much as I hated learning about how to properly court another royal I know how Akiridion proposals work, but I wanted to do something that would be more personal and meaningful for Douxie."

"Then you wouldn't want to do a proposal from Camelot."

"You don't know what they look like, either?"

"No, I know. When you're close to invisible to the castle, you see plenty, including all the stages of love. But back in Camelot, Douxie never could have gotten married."

"Why not?"

"It's a law older than Arthur. Wizards weren't allowed to marry. Granted, prior to Arthur taking the throne, it was only enforced when the happy couple was rich enough that a dowry would be more than a nice set of wooden dishes and a single chicken. Or if they lived in an urban area. The law was meant to try and keep the magical population low. After all, there was a stigma against children born out of wedlock, so it was supposed to keep them from having magical children. Never mind that the law targeted cis, same-sex couples the same way it targeted ones that would be able to procreate. Or how abstinence only sex-ed doesn't work. Or how wizards can be born to non-magical parents and vice-versa.

"So, no. Douxie wouldn't have ever expected to marry under Camelot's laws, and so using Camelot's customs would not be more personal and meaningful. Besides, that tradition includes nailing your intention to be married to the door of a constable. Please don't go and commit vandalism to celebrate your engagement."

"Not planning on it."

Krel Tarron couldn't wait to become Krel Casperan.

[merakiui]

My first proper writings in a while pftt it’s not too rusty I think

JueYun Karst, a sacred place to all Liyue’s locals. The abode of the mighty Adepti, which mortals may not trespass without sigils of permission. It may sound like some mysterious haven to them, but you beg to differ.

Same river, same rocks, even the Qingxings in the mountains taste the same as they were the century prior. Here you lay under your favorite cherry blossom tree, half dozing off with a novel covering your face. I wonder when Ganyu would bring new sequels, what happened to this couple, did they elope or?You roll over and stretch, yawning.

The life of an Adepti such as yourself is repetitive, to say the least. Especially when your powers were not meant for the battlefield, more for healing and caretaking. In this era of relative peace, boredom is on way to describe your daily mood. Now Rex Lapis had stepped down from his archon post, the contract between Liyue harbor and the Adpeti had been completed.

Maybe it’s because you are young for an Adepteus, or how your curious nature often gets the best of you, you long to explore the common world. The world must have changed a lot since the war, and whenever Ganyu comes by she would tell you what is going on in Liyue recently. Why haven’t you gone to the harbor? Because all the senior adeptus objected to the mere idea, saying how you would get lost and never come back. Your battle prowess is not enough, they always preach, as if you are still the same fragile newborn centuries ago. You are not supposed to talk back, so you have no choice but keeping your mouth shut, only silently cursing them once they are out of earshot. All the mortals you dealt with in offering ceremonies were nice and respectful, not even wanting to look at you in the eyes. This is how things should be, you said to yourself quietly in the head as you nod to conclude the ceremony. But...this is just distressing somehow, you are just being ungrateful, it happens.

That is, until you met that strange man when you sneaked out the borders of Jueyun Karst a few days ago.

It was an spontaneous decision, now you had gotten yourself lost around Cuijie slope. Maps aren’t exactly available to you, and it has been too long since you last saw the common world. How many times have you passed this flower? Is it even the same flower or just the same species?

“Are you lost, Miss?” You’re not! You are just-

Eh, what’s with the mask? Does he have some horrid scar that needs to be concealed? No matter, might as well ask him for some directions. “Greetings,sir. I am heading towards Liyue Harbor. And yourself?” You try to let your smile come off as non-condescending, as to not have him yelling “Oh forgive me the mighty adeptus” similar to those mortals you encountered on Qingyun peak.

How unusual, someone like you is out and about on her own. Perhaps you know your destination, but Dottore is sure you never got the correct route. Judging by your fine attire, that vision trinket around your waist paired with antiquated speech, one can tell you are not from the surrounding villages. So what is a young maiden doing here all alone? The Doctor might have devoted most of his hours on research projects, but he however knows ladies of rich families travel with attendants.

Unless, you are no common young maiden at all. There is just something about your aura...That feeling cannot be put into words,yet. Silently signals his subordinates to stay put, Dottore had started his analysis the moment he began to answer your rather intrusive questions. Half-truths of course, to appear as sincere as possible. This is usually the work of an underling, but this time...maybe he will see to it himself.

“So you are a doctor? You...fix people up? What a coincidence. I happen to practice the same profession.” A fawn, that’s what you remind the Harbinger of. With those eyes gleaming with curiosity, but cautious as if you would bolt if he had passed the safe distance. JueYun Karst, where “spirit guardians”of Liyue dwell, is nearby, if memory serves. Human-esque immortal beings...it’s not everyday people came across any of them. Not that he wants to attend those pretentious ceremonies, and Dottore doubts he would be allowed to watch given his Fatui status. The subject of immortality is irresistible to any researcher, but the sources are scarce.

My, my, is it possible? Are you a real adeptus in the flesh before him? It is indeed a bold assumption, but there is no other possible hypothesis. You don’t even recognize the Fatui emblem, saying it looks like some strange butterfly?

(I did fem reader here since it flows better! Hope I did not overdo the mood hhhh )

-Wonderful anon

WONDERFUL ANON!!!! This was absolutely amazing!! OMG :O The way you described the reader as a poor little fawn who’s curious but also still wary of Dottore... *chef’s kiss* And I love how scheming Dottore sounds when he’s lying to her. King of ulterior motives!!

You definitely didn’t overdo the mood! It felt perfect. The introduction of the reader’s innocence when it comes to human culture and Liyue Harbor itself was very fitting. It’s good to know that because it makes it easier for her to believe whatever Dottore says, under the impression that what he’s saying is true. Poor adeptus!reader has no idea about what she’s gotten herself into. And the fact that she doesn’t even know about the Fatui... Oh, Dottore is going to have a field day with that.

I adore the idea of Dottore being interested in the concept of immortality. Like many scientists and researchers, it’s one of those things that seems unattainable or difficult to truly comprehend. But now that he’s found this lost adeptus, he’s going to make full use of her to test all sorts of things related to immortality.

10/10, wonderful anon!!!! This was such a lovely read. Your writing is delicious, so thank you very much for this meal!

[kyoties]

do you have any headcanons for akaza x sakura?

I sure do!!! These aren’t so much headcanons as they are a string of headcanons basically written with a plot??? If that makes sense??? kdjfoiwhgow bear with me though??? This is NOT a fic just some thoughts I really wanted to write down and share lol

Akaza brings her to Muzan 80 years prior to the story’s main timeline. Muzan believed her to be a descendant of the doctor he killed and that she had information on the blue spider lily, but had no direct proof to confirm it. So, while she was walking at night, Akaza retrieved her without any questions.

Sakura isn’t sure, but she’s aware that her ancestors had many special treatments that were passed down with each generation. Muzan asks her if she knows or not – he doesn’t want a ‘possibility of its existence’, he wants answers.

Sakura admits she’s never heard of the blue spider lily. Muzan wants to kill her, but he’s reluctant to do so due to his past mistakes. He’s desperate for a lead and this girl could quite possibly be his second chance at conquering the sunlight. For now, even a pathetic human was a better lead than nothing.

Muzan also knows that Akaza doesn’t eat or kill women and leaves her in his care. He tells Akaza she must travel with him and their assignment – on top of wiping out the Demon Slayer Corps – will be to find the blue spider lily. He keeps her human so she can continue her work during the daylight for now, but warns her that she can’t afford to make mistakes or he’ll kill her.

In the beginning, Akaza orders her around a lot, however he’s not cruel. Sakura stands up for herself, though. She’s not a doormat, so they’re butting heads all the time in the beginning of their ‘mission’. He appreciates how strong-willed and tough she is.

At one point in time, Akaza uses Sakura as bait to attract some low-ranking demon slayers so he can eat (she isn’t aware those are his intentions until he kills them, she was just going to them to ask for directions because he told her to). He plays it off, but she’s really upset about it. He doesn’t promise anything, but he never uses her like that again. When he’s hungry, he goes hunting alone.

In the cold months, he’ll hunt animals for her or catch fish. She’s very grateful for it and always invites him to eat with her. He refuses.

The first time she’s sick, he feels uneasy and doesn’t understand why he’s so anxious. While she’s sleeping, he’s constantly pacing around her. She’ll wake up and he already has water for her to drink. ‘Why are you being so kind to me?’ she asks. He doesn’t answer. She’s only sick a handful of times, but he hates it when she coughs. He yells at her to stop because it bothers him so much. They bicker about it, but she ends up falling asleep and he goes back to his pacing.

She still does her work during the day which exhausts her as they have to travel at night, too. Akaza, after a few weeks of her doing this, carries her on his back  so she can rest at night unless he needs her. Muzan, being a demon for so long, disregarded that part of her needs (or maybe he just didn’t care). When dawn comes close, he’ll find a nearby cave and she’ll walk to a nearby town to get some clues from any doctors/healers/ANYONE there about the blue spider lily.

During the summer, they stumble upon a village festival. Sakura is happy to join in and they both go around in the night. She plays festival games while he receives a bunch of nervous stares. One of the stands gives her a mask to wear. She puts it on Akaza even though he growls about it. Fireworks start up. Sakura remembers the fireworks in her village and expresses how much she misses them. She takes his hand in hers and he feels the urge to grip it tightly, but pulls away from her and walks back to the cave.

That night after she’s gone to sleep, he feels a bit of regret, wishing he’d held her hand. He’s overwhelmed for the rest of the night, overthinking.

He reads through her journal – apparently she was carrying it back when he kidnapped her. She used to write about the boys in her village, how she can’t wait for her birthday, things so boring and ‘human’ to him. He goes to the present day. She writes about nobody knowing what a blue spider lily is, about how she misses her family, about how she’s thankful that she’s travelling with a demon that’s capable of being kind on rare occasions. He closes it. 

Once, while Akaza was summoned by Muzan about their progress, he was nervous about the repercussions she would face. Muzan was pissed they didn’t have anything, but Akaza told him that he firmly believed they were on to something substantial and apologizes on her behalf. After Muzan dismisses him, Akaza returns to her. She welcomes him in and he realizes his feelings for her are much stronger than he anticipated. He doesn’t understand love, but he definitely wants to protect her.

But Sakura doesn’t feel that hopeful. During the day, she often cries her eyes out. Because something like the blue spider lily just doesn’t exist today. It can’t. It’s so absurdly impossible to find that she doesn’t even bother asking. By now, it’s been three years. She wants out, but she knows that she doesn’t have a real future even if she escaped. Muzan would find her at some point and, if he didn’t kill her, he’d make her go try and find it again. Maybe he’d torture her or turn her into a demon. She didn’t want to experience that. It’s hopeless to her. But she keeps smiling at Akaza and making him believe they’re really on to something. She’s afraid of dying. She’s afraid of facing Muzan with nothing to show for it.

It gets lonely on her own for so long, so I’m sure even without reciprocating his feelings, Sakura yearns for human affection and allows him to hold her. She needs it after going through all she has. But she’s dreading the day when she has to tell him that there’s no flower. There probably won’t ever be one.

She wakes up to him snuggling her and calls his name. He backs off, but she immediately coaxes him back to her. She kisses him.

After a few months with absolutely NO LEADS (not even fake ones), she sits with Akaza and is ready to tell him the truth. He stops her and tells her VERY SERIOUSLY they’re going to find it. She argues that nobody knows what it even is. It’s hopeless. Akaza says that Muzan knows it exists, so it has to be somewhere. Even if they have to travel outside of Japan. She’s going to find the flower and Muzan will be able to conquer the sunlight.

‘After that,’ he says, ‘I’ll keep protecting you. Lord Muzan might even give you his blood and make you a demon.’

‘I don’t want to become–’ Akaza grabs her hand before she can finish. She doesn’t speak again and goes to bed. Obviously, deep down, Akaza knows there’s no flower either. He knows. But he would never outright think it because his loyalty to Muzan is unwavering. Whatever Muzan believes to be true, he will believe, too. It’s why she’s still here after all.

They find somewhere safe from the sun, she goes out in the daylight, he stays behind until nightfall, he hunts. When he returns, he crawls into her arms while she sleeps. He knows she doesn’t love him, but it feels good to be close to her. They both find something soothing about it.

Five years. FIVE YEARS. Nothing. Muzan hasn’t called for them yet. Five years is just a speck to him after being alive for as long as he has. Akaza is thankful for it. Sakura is safe.

And she’s older. 23 years old. He thinks about how she could have been married to some nobody with a nice dowry. She could have had one or maybe two children by now. It’s dark. She barely has the energy to go to villages and ask around anymore. Akaza usually doesn’t make her unless she hasn’t done it in a while. She’s not the same. She doesn’t smile as much anymore. But she walks with him at night now. Daylight makes her eyes hurt.

They’re confronted by demon slayers. She warns them to stay away, but they never listen. She still cries when he kills them and never stays around when he eats. While passing by a large village after no hints or clues about the blue spider lily, they see fireworks again. They stop to watch them and he involuntarily reaches for Sakura’s hand.

He tries to kiss her, but she pulls away from him.

It’s not unusual for Akaza and Sakura to be confronted by demon slayers. However, the crows that accompany them have given the leader of the Demon Slayer Corps some intel that a human girl with pink hair is accompanying an Upper Moon. Ubayashiki gives demon slayers permission to kill her along with Upper Moon Three. 

They’re surrounded by demon slayers. Akaza can sense a group behind them, attempting to flank them and attack. But he’s under the impression that they’re still willing to save Sakura and kill him. He kills the group to his front and prepares to kill the rest until he hears Sakura scream. She’s being held by a demon slayer, a blade to her neck. The Pillar in their ranks tells him to surrender. Of course, Akaza laughs at the thought. He mocks them until one of the demon slayers threaten to kill her. He bluffs, asking if they’re really willing to kill their own kind. He says that he’s kept her this long to lure out any idiots. It’s an easy way to get food. 

They don’t believe him. They know that he has other intentions for her. Something that has to do with Muzan. They stand firm. Either he dies or she does. Akaza hesitates. He looks at her then to the group of twelve – half with their swords directed at her and the remaining towards him. They demand he surrenders so they can cut off his head. He senses more behind them. Reinforcements – that’s new. They’re getting closer. Less than twenty.

Akaza was fast. He could kill them and–

Another Pillar approaches from behind and Akaza dodges effortlessly to avoid the attack. He was fast, but not fast enough. The reinforcements are attacking in a group after Akaza strikes the Pillar down. The Pillar, holding his gut, yells out beyond the cries of his fellow demon slayers.

‘Kill her! Then kill the demon!’

Akaza’s feet never touch the ground as he goes through several demon slayers’ bodies, severing pieces of them into the trees or splattering them on the ground. One slices into his arm. Akaza retaliates by breaking his jaw. A blade breaks against his ankle. Akaza is fast. Akaza is fast. Akaza is–

He kills the man behind Sakura. His head lopped off like a flower’s. The Pillars, the weaklings, everyone. They’re all dead.

Sakura is crying. She’s holding her neck. Her eyes are on him as she reaches out . There’s blood on her fingers.

Akaza’s body feels heavy. The Pillar with the original group laughs, shortened by a few heavy coughs. ‘It serves her right. Turning against her own kind – it serves her right!’

Akaza stomps on his head.

He scoops her up. She’s pale, unable to speak. He looks at her then to the gaping wound where his hand used to be. He didn’t even realize it was missing. That didn’t matter. The wound was closing fast.

He holds her closer. ‘Sakura-san,’ he says, ‘Sakura-san, I’m giving you my blood.’

Blood drips over her face. She turns away and Akaza holds her still, forcing her mouth open. ‘You’re not dying like this. Lord Muzan still needs you! You need to stay! Keep your damn mouth open!’

Her hand weakly pushes against his forearm. He’s growing manic as he makes her ingest his blood. He reopens his wound. She needs more. A little more. He makes sure it enters through her wound just to be absolutely certain.

He kills the occupants of a cave that were camped out overnight and takes over one of the beds for her as dawn creeps closer. He sits there with her resting in the back of the cave, clutching her journal. Dawn breaks. Her legs twitch. Her back arches. She gasps.

She’s covered in sweat. The wound on her neck is covered by a black band tattooed over her neck, just like his. She looks at him, out of breath. He can see her fangs as her mouth hangs open.

‘Sakura-san–’ She ignores him, running to the fresh bodies.

She immediately grabs hold of a severed arm and begins devouring it.

Akaza walks over and squats down as she continues to eat. He drops his hand onto her head and combs his fingers through her tangled hair. A bone crunches and she moves on to the next piece of her meal. Akaza continues to stroke her hair adoringly. She’s alive and safe because of him. He protected her. That’s all he needed.

It takes a week or two of one-sided conversations for her to start speaking. She doesn’t remember anything.

A year passes. Sakura is different. She happily kills demon slayers and hunts humans with Akaza. She eats with him and stays awake in the night. She doesn’t cry anymore. She smiles all the time and listens to whatever he says.

They walk out of the forest with the lights of a village glowing in the dark. A night market or festival, maybe. Akaza ignores it. Sakura stops and stares.

‘Do you remember?’ he asks, when he realizes she isn’t following him. ‘As a human, you liked going to them.’

‘Akaza-kun, how many humans do you think are down there? I’m getting hungry.’

Akaza regrets it. He hates looking at her for too long. Seeing her eat pisses him off. Seeing her kill whatever weak humans that cross their path pisses him off. He rereads her journal obsessively. He shows it to her, explains that she used to write a lot as a human. She smacks it out of his hand, saying that she has no idea what he’s talking about. She wants nothing to do with whatever her human self wrote about. He destroys it.

Muzan meets her in-person. He appreciates her devotion to the cause and praises Akaza on his choice to turn her into a demon. He dismisses them to continue their search and kill as many of the Demon Slayer Corps as possible.

They go out at night: eat, kill, search. Sakura picks fights with him constantly. Akaza wishes he’d let her die instead. She never wanted this and he went against her anyway. Why did he do it? If he hadn’t underestimated the demon slayers and– she’d still be alive and human.

Death would have been merciful. And he took that away. 

Time passes. The feelings of regret wither away. Sakura’s clinging to him more and more. She’s happy to be in his company. Akaza doesn’t care.

He enjoys finding strong opponents and fulfilling Muzan’s plans.

She dies at his feet by a Flame Pillar – Rengoku’s – blade. Akaza manages a retreat after killing him, but not without taking a sword through his chest. He leaves behind three other demon slayers. Muzan is utterly disappointed by his failure. Akaza feels numb.

They’re summoned to Muzan’s fortress with the remaining members of the Demon Slayer Corps. His head is cut off. He can hear his father’s voice. He can feel Koyuki’s warmth on his skin. Muzan’s cells are tingling in his body. It’s not worth it anymore. They won. But he can’t go where Koyuki and his father are.

Someone stands beyond his vision. Pink hair. Akaza walks slowly towards her then breaks out into a run and grabs hold of her. So many apologies he’s already given. So many mistakes he’s made. He’ll apologize again for her. He was selfish. He took her life away and left her to die without caring at all.

Sakura holds him. They go to hell together. At least they won’t be alone.

[himbo-buckley]

Intimacy, Sex and Buddie (better known as I have a lot of feelings about this show, some of which are related to the before mentioned topics) - Part 2

G’day friends, family and lost travelers! Welcome back to another instance of: I read too much into things!

This is where we really dive into the Character analysis and it’s gonna be a fun ride!!! (well, maybe. For me at least because thanks to 3.16 I am living! That episode validated me so much and now I truly believe I am right)

This is part two of a three part Meta / Character Analysis, and while you probably don’t need to read part 1, I would recommend it, so here is the link:

part 1

Also:

I should preface this by saying this meta was supposed to be a lot shorter and only talk about how both Buck and Eddie use sex to distract their respective partners from whatever topic they actually wanted to talk about but since I decided to rewatch the show to make sure I don’t miss any such scenes, it has exploded a bit and taken on more topics.

I should also mention that I am a Buddie shipper and while I tried, you will find several references and arguments for the ship in this Meta, not all of which necessarily call for a romantic pairing but just: These two are deeply connected and you cannot look at one without discussing the other and they are each other’s strongest emotional connection.

I should also preface this by saying that the whole of the 118 has some obvious intimacy / commitment issues except Bobby (which is sort of surprising) but *John Mulaney* voice we don’t have time to unpack all of that!

On another note I cuss a little in this Meta because my parents let me listen to TicTacToe as a small child and after that it never stuck that cussing is wrong so, uhm, parental supervision is advised or something?

This Meta will so far have three parts (this is part two), one for each season and is organised by episode so you could technically follow along

So here goes nothing, Season 2: (Also called „Why is Ryan naked so much?“)

Episode 2.01:

I’m not gonna talk a lot about this episode, because I feel like it’s been analysed to death already. Important to know is that Buck hasn’t yet given up on Abby coming back (see the shower scene), he is very lonely and there is a lot of homo- erotic tension.

Basically this episode goes like this:

Buck *after meeting Eddie*: nooooo, Dad, I don’t want a brother! He’s better than me! Put him back where he came from!

Eddie *takes one look at Buck*: Ui, you guys lied, he’s an ass - I like it! This is way better! We’re gonna be friends!

And then Buddie decides to something stupid to prove themselves (to each other) and they end up saving the day and bonding.

Also Eddie saying: „You guys hungry?“ after the Ambulance blows up? Iconic! He is such a little shit.

Episode 2.02 / 2.03:

(I’m putting them together because two-parter)

This episodes truly proves how hard they’ve already bonded, despite Buck not even knowing Eddie has a kid yet, especially from Eddie’s point of view: I actually think he started seeing Buck as his partner first. 

I love how he always takes charge, even in his first episode and expects Buck to go along with it - which Buck does (after some initial reluctance), because Buck is good at following orders and trusts Eddie. It might be an army thing, probably is an Eddie likes control thing. What is truly unique about Buddie, is the fact that Eddie defers to Buck’s judgement as needed, something he doesn’t do with anyone else, I think, unless the chain of command tells him to. Just look at how annoyed he is by Ali and her interfering.

That being said it really isn’t all to relevant for this meta, except to say: Interest- ing how fast they trusted each other and became a unit - I guess it’s true what they say: birds of a feather flock together.

Episode 2.04:

Here we get our first real insights into Eddie’s character (aside from that he is a little shit and likes to take charge) as well as some very nice shots of the man’s body, proving my theory that someone in charge really wants to get busy with Ryan Guzman. Which I am not exactly complaining about.

I do think however it’s a very noticable shift from the way they treat the other young, attractive guy in the cast. I talked about this a little in the first part of this Meta, how they went out of their way to hold Buck accountable and make him relatable, but refused to bank on his sex appeal, aside from a few scenes which mostly were about explaining why Abby reached out to him (and uh, we do not need to talk about how creepy that really was, do we?). Eddie though really gets sexualised from the get go. Or maybe that’s just me and I missed something? (Someone with more insight on such topics take the wheel? Because that really isn’t my area of expertice and I don’t wanna say anything false)

A main difference between Buck and Eddie at this point (or in general) is that Buck is always looking for connection. He craves emotional intimacy but it scares him because he cares too much and people keep leaving so he searches out physical intimacy - or he used to. Actually by Season 2 Buck is actively looking to connect emotionally with another person.

Eddie on the other hand isn’t even on the same level as Pilot!Buck, because he avoids both physical and emotional intimacy (except with Buck because, you know, steam engine). The episode implies that it might be caused by Shannon leaving, but the rest of Season 2 and specifically Season 3 show us that it’s an Eddie thing (likely caused by his upbringing if you fast forward to 3.15). And it really makes me want to know how Shannon and Eddie met and how long they had been dating before she got pregnant. Probably not that long tbh.

One thing to notice about the episode is that it parallels Eddie both with Buck (neither wants to date one of those girls, both deflect about their reasons) and with Abby - watch 1.03 and 2.04 back to back, both are about a character taking care of a special needs family member, both have another family member consider them stuck when they themselves do not and both feature Buck trying to help (passively by talking to Abby on the phone vs. actively by having Eddie and Carla meet)

Also as I pointed out in another post the conversation about dating is kind of similar to the car conversation, and I really am clowning now - which is why I will not try and parallel the conversation between Maddie and Buck with the one between Bobby and Buck in 1.09!

I still don’t fully understand the need for that scene (you know which one) aside from being another instance where the boys get sexualised and giving us our first insight into Eddie romantically and also the first time he uses Christopher as a shield (also not the last).

The general take away from the episode is that Eddie is bad at asking for help and Buck is bad at asking for permission which means they fit really well - because Eddie doesn’t have to voice his needs and Buck doesn’t have to feel bad about steamrolling him.

In terms of the overall theme of this meta your main takeaway from this episode should be:

Buck - no longer substituting physical intimacy for emotional intimacy but also not seeking out emotional intimacy, both because he has a connection through Maddie and is building one with Eddie but also because he still considers himself spoken for, though the episode ends with him realicing he might not be (and then he keeps realising, because he is one stubborn mf).

Eddie - avoiding both physical and emotional intimacy and using Christopher to deflect, mainly because he doesn’t have the time for either (but still getting a connection through Buck, thanks to someone just punching right through his boundaries)

Episode 2.05:

no relevance, our boys are barely in it

Episode 2.06:

Well, if you want to write about Buddie crumbs than yeah, definitely important. Also, you can draw a definite parallel between Abby and Taylor, because Buck knew both their voices before he saw their faces and built an emotional connection to those voices. This fits because, well, Buck is afraid of emotional intimacy, but when it’s just a voice it’s easier for him to let himself be vulnerable cause it’s not an actual person.

Plus, considering the thing with Taylor is one sided prior to their meeting, he isn’t actually cheating on Abby. Or so Buck thinks. (Also Taylor doesn’t have a chance to hurt Buck and leave him because you know, she is not aware he exists?)

Also Eddie talks about becoming a firefighter because he missed the camaraderie of the army - aka the emotional connection he had with his squadron (is that the right term?). So technically he did actively try and seek it out - to a point at least. Because, as I will discuss in Part 3, Eddie may consider the 118 his family but his relationship with the other three firefighters in not on the same level than the one he has with Buck.

Episode 2.07:

Let’s all give a warm welcome to Shannon Diaz! I like Shannon, I think she is great (I also think she and Eddie are similar because they both run away from problems which is why they would never work out - unlike another possible relationship mentioned sporadically in this Meta, hint hint ;) ... okay, moving on)

We learn that „not in the picture“ means Eddie is still married, which begs the question how much Eddie has told Carla and the 118 about Shannon up to this point (as little as possible), what they assume about her (probably the worst) and if Eddie ever sets the record straight (I’m assuming yes, because while Eddie doesn’t share - Eddie is also protective of his family and Shannon is his family for better or worse - I really wish they didn’t kill her off and instead played out the divorce storyline because there was so much chance for growth! Although that was probably too similar to Athena and Michael, which is why they didn’t do it. So they fridged her. Damn, and I am still salty about it.)

I really love when she comes to the house, because we learn so much about them as a couple. Like how her eyes grow warm when he opens the door but Eddie’s don’t but then he goes in to hug her (and you can really tell that Ryan Guzman is an athlete in the way that he always acts with his whole body and conveys so much through movement). And the fact that Shannon immediately pushes to meet Christopher (probably because with Eddie you need to push, because he is very stubborn and also in need of control), and her saying she never thought Eddie would be into something so fancy? Yet another insight into Eddie’s character and into his upbringing, which while probably not poor seems to have been fairly modest.

Also love how they fight almost right from the get go, implying that it is their normal (as proven in 3.15). They really never stood a chance!

There is a lot of backstory we get through their fighting, both at the house and at the school, most notably that even in marriage Eddie was never able to fully open up to Shannon - aka be emotionally intimate with her. Which made her feel very alone.

And I don’t wanna defend Shannon and her actions because other people have said it before and this is not what this Meta is about but I can see her point of view. With Eddie and the way he just always needs to be in control and make the decisions she probably thought she had to do something drastic to get him to notice her and her struggles.

Interestingly enough Eddie is emotionally vulnerable with Shannon at the end when he tells her that he understands why she left and that he misses her, but then he immediately kisses her and look, we don’t know what happens next  but we can guess from the latter episodes.

And look, tbh with Eddie it’s a little bit harder to draw the line between physical and emotional intimacy than with Buck because Eddie’s love language is touch and actions, so technically in a way he is always emotionally intimate when he is physically intimate (probably why he didn’t wanna go out with any of the girls in 2.04 - Eddie, different to Buck, can not just separate feelings from sex, while Buck has a hard time reconciling the two)

On Buck’s side of this Meta he finally comes to terms with Abby leaving, which doesn’t have too much relevance for this meta except there are a lot of parallels between Buddie in terms of: how long is too long to wait - because while Eddie pretends to have given up on Shannon, he actually hasn’t, whereas Buck outwardly is still waiting for Abby but on the inside has given up hope - something they both come to terms with in this episode

Episode 2.08:

Fun fact: The german title of this Episode is Lovestorys. Can you guess if there is anything of relevance in it?

Okay, first off for the millionth time, in case you haven’t read part 1 or you aren’t convinced yet or maybe you just forgot: Evan „Buck“ Buckley was never a sex addict. Kay? Good.

Also, remember when I said the show doesn’t sexualise Oliver the way it does Ryan? Yeah, this episode exactly. Buck has sex twice and we see less of his body than of Eddie just getting out of bed. Is it a contract thing? Was Ryan always running around naked on set? Did Oliver refuse to take his shirt off? Is he always cold because he’s vegan? Should I figure out Twitter just to ask the cast these questions?

(Also, remember when I said with Buck it’s mostly Girl on top, yay, it stays true)

In terms of actual relevant story, there’s that woman on the freeway (highway? Idk guys, I’m not from the US) reinforcing that Buck has finally accepted that Abby and him are over and then there’s the Taylor Kenny - story, which is sort of just beating the bush of sexual vs emotional intimacy with Buck trying for the latter and only finding the former (remember the Brunette from the Pilot? Yeah, that’s why I’m reminding you).

What I like is the fact that, after spending so much time calling out Buck 1.0 (and they should, because stealing a fire truck? Twice? Babe, for realsies?), this episode went: look, maybe girls like meaningless sex, too? Although, technically they have been telling us from the the beginning, that those girl were using Buck in the same way he was using them (again with the Brunette) - Buck just never understood that until Taylor.

We also get the soulmate scene with the very sweet couple, once again, rein- forcing how lonely Buck is and how much he is craving love and a connection and stability. That really is what his character boils down to at the end of the day: a lost kid trying to find his place in the world. And now I’m sad.

As for the Ali storyline, oh man, I’d really rather ignore it? Not because I have anything against the character per sey it’s just - we get to see their first meeting and then 5 episodes later their first date and by the end of the season they are in love love except by Season 3 she is gone? And in between she is hardly ever mentioned? So I really don’t know how to comment on their relationship in terms of this meta and what it means for Buck except: I think it was one of those right times right moment kind of things and Buck is sort of transfering a lot of his wishes and needs and feelings onto her, but their relationship has a weak foundation, which is why it ended so fast (except we don’t know how fast it ended because there is a 5 month gap between Season 2 and 3 and the breakup gets mentioned one (1) time. Soooooo...)

And Eddie, well, he was in the episode.

Episode 2.09:

I like this episode a lot and it tells us so much about Hen’s issues, but in terms of this meta: no relevance!

Sidenote: I do always forget they did Hen before they did Chim. Then again this episode in general feels very disconnected because there was no prompting, no connection to the present.

Episode 2.10:

Ah, yes, that one! The gift that keeps on giving in terms of Eddie and this meta (and also Buddie, but I’m trying not to be ship-y around here)

(One tiny sidenote though, I do think we see Eddie roll of off Shannon, and, while I don’t want to reinforce some stereotype about Top and Bottom, because I am not a gay man and therefore not qualified to comment, with Buck it’s generally girl on top? So Buck usually lets his partner set the pace while Eddie prefers to be the one in control? Okay, you know what, let’s just say it fits with their characters and maybe they match and leave it at that?)

(also, again with the Ryan shirtless, I mean, not that I am complaining, it’s just ... yeah, please, someone who knows this stuff come talk to me about it and explain because I don’t know and maybe I am seeing things?)

(sidenote #3 with actual relevance: They did not mention Buck’s girlfriend even once. They never do until the final.)

First of, this episode proofs what I said before: With Eddie there is no separating Sex and feelings. It is interconnected („We are working things out.“).

Also there is a point to be made about Eddie and control. So far we have always seen Eddie be the one in control and make decisions and this is our first real indicator that it actually bothers him, that maybe he wants someone else to tell him what’s right or wrong, too.

I’m gonna fast forward a bit, because we are nearly at the end of Season 3 irl and so far we have seen Eddie ask for help several times but only with two people - Buck and Lena - he actually takes the advice. I don’t want to say too much because it really fits better in Season 3, but wether you ship them or not, it is noticeable that out of everyone Buck is the one Eddie let’s help the most. The one he trusts the most.

(Man, they are both just two lost boys looking for their home, aren’t they? (and now I am sad again.))

There is also the topic of trust brought up, which you know, we hear about a few times from Eddie, and it really is such a big thing for him, isn’t it?

To fast forward again, that is one big difference between Eddie and Buck. Both struggle with self worth and trust but while Buck’s biggest problem is that he doesn’t trust people to like him, if they actually get to know him (or if they even want to get to know him), Eddie just plain old does not trust people? Because Eddie is a pessimist, so he doesn’t even try to connect, while Buckeroo trusts way too much and too easily and he is such an optimist and gives away everything and then he still isn’t enough - and then and only then does he give up hope (which is something we see happen in canon maybe twice? With Abby, maybe with Ali, and with Christopher, but again, Season 3 you guys!)

These two really are the different sides of the same coin, huh?

In relevance to this Meta, Eddie is trying very much this whole episode to be open and vulnerable and he struggles so much because he is very scared. The main issue with Eddie is always (and specifically with Shannon) by making himself vulnerable, he opens Christopher up to getting hurt as well (and vice versa because he can’t let Shannon into his son’s life without letting her into his own life) and this is what we see him struggle with in this episode and also what intensifies his already existing issues with intimacy throughout the show in general, his need to protect his son. 

It should be noted that in the end Eddie puts Christopher’s wishes above his own well-being which is in fact what he will always do because Christopher is the most important person in his life.

As for Buck in this episode, well, after having so much development in his last episode, he really was there more as a sounding board for other characters. However I will mention that, after the show points out the whole thing is none of his business twice, Eddie then turns around and makes the Shannon thing Buck’s business, because well, connected and all that. Trusting and giving up control. Emotional intimacy. Just repeating myself now.

Episode 2.11: No relevance.

Episode 2.12: No relevance.

Episode 2.13: No real relevance.

There is the scene in the hospital between Buck and Eddie that reinforces the peas in a pot thing they got going on and a reverse from the Christmas Episode when Eddie asked Buck about what he should do. Here Eddie acts as the sounding board (even though Buck has already done the thing but then so has Eddie by hiding Shannon).

This is also yet another instance of Buck trying to help another person with no regard for his own safety but I’m with Eddie here: I have sisters as well. I too would do countless stupid things to save them with no regard to my own safety and I’m a girl - I was not raised on the believe that is was my job to protect them from harm like both Buck and Eddie probably were (because gender rolls).

Also Buck thinks it’s his fault that Doug even found Maddie and Eddie explains to him why its bull. To reinforce the whole connection thing, it is very noticeable that these two always give each other exactly what the other needs - with Eddie from the get go always working on building up Buck’s self worth and Buck always lending a hand to Eddie and taking control when needed (remember Carla? That was Buck taking control for Eddie because Eddie didn’t know what to do).

There is also the short scene when Shannon comes to the hospital and it prob- ably did a lot to help rebuild Eddies trust in his wife.

Episode 2.14:

STOP MAKING EVAN BUCKLEY WORRY ABOUT HIS FAMILY 2k21 (because it’s too late for anything before that)

It’s also our first real: Eddie can be a dumbass, too sighting and there is that one scene (you know which one) which in text is not shippy at all, but ended up in every gifset because Oliver is looking at Ryan like he wants to eat him alive.

Aside from that, this episode really isn’t about them and that’s okay.

Episode 2.15: Crime is hard. That is all.

Episode 2.16: No relevance.

Episode 2.17:

First of all, Eddie is not shirtless? At the beach? Damn, what’s wrong, 911? Is it because Gavin was there? Have you used up all your contracted shirtless scenes by now? Did Ryan find out he was the only one running around set half naked?

Also poor Eddie, you know, you’d think getting married your done having those: what are we - conversations and then bam: there it is again. He really can’t catch a break, can he?

Also I know it’s been said before, but I’ll say it again: Eddie Diaz is not in love with Shannon. Maybe he has never been or maybe he just stopped at some point, but right then and there he isn’t in love with her. He does however love her deeply (she is after all the mother of his son) and she is his family which is sort of where the problem in their relationship lies. Because Eddie, who has problems with trust and intimacy, frankly doesn’t care enough about Shannon (and also doesn’t trust her enough) to try and be open and vulnerable with her, which is what he needs to be in order for them to work, a fact that Shannon seems to be aware of and have accepted.

(Because if you have to wait for a sign on what to do in your relationship, yeah, you already know - you’re just not accepting it.)

And this episode is so heartbreaking and I just had to stop myself from ugly crying because Shannon loves Christopher so very much. And I just hate that they killed her off, so in my mind I have already half plotted a fix it fic in which she survives because that was just unnecessary angst.

Though that’s the topic of another post.

In terms of the relationship-story I am similarly floored as I am by the „Help!“ scene because (at least for me) this is the first time I have seen media really address that yes, you can be a good parent and still not be ready for a serious relationship because those two things are very different. Sure, you sometimes see examples of it through subtext but never before has it been so outright stated.

And I like that both Shannon and Eddie ask themselves that question, but come to a different conclusion - or actually they don’t. Like I said above, for Eddie this relationship fits because it’s easy and he doesn’t have to change or better adapt. He can just keep avoiding the hard stuff (being vulnerable) and still have the good stuff (sex). And then Shannon might be pregnant again and look at his speech at the restaurant: He is basically saying our child is awesome, so we should get back together because if we make such awesome children than we can’t be that bad together. And that is so very wrong, which Shannon understands.

The problem is, that Eddie doesn’t fully understand why their marriage hasn’t worked in the first place. If you tie it into 3.15 Eddie Begins, I think for Eddie, the reason why Shannon left him was a little to get back at him for leaving her and a lot about feeling left alone and being unable to cope with raising their child alone, but all of that is gonna be different now because he will be there for her physically and emotionally as he is no longer in the army! So the issue is solved. They should be a family again. Even without a new kid. After all: they love each other.

And look, those are all fair reasons and true but the thing Eddie doesn’t understand about relationships in general and his marriage to Shannon in particular is that she also needs him to be emotionally vulnerable with her. Shannon needs Eddie to let her be there for him, just like he is trying to be there for her. Because relationships are always a two way street.

SO obviously this is where the episode ended. There were no more scenes af- ter that. Nope. Bit weird how it was so short but you do you, 911, you do you!

And well, Buck was there too.

Episode 2.18:

I’m just gonna come out and say it: Ramon and Helena are bad parents. Flying to your daughter-in-law’s funeral only to bad mouth her and then try to take your son’s son away again? Yeah, I do not like your style. I wonder how much of Eddie Begins was already planned at this point or if they built that plot about his family for 3.15 based on this episode. Huh. We might never know. (except Twitter)

Also me thinks Eddie choose LA because of Pepa and Abuela, not because of Shannon. She was probably just a bonus.

As for Buck (and Ali): the actors seem to have had fun doing those scenes? I guess? Other than that it’s a little cringy and very out of nowhere and probably more caused by the show having money left over and deciding to built a new set. ANd damn what a set. I wonder how Buck is supposed to be able to afford that because that apartment has probably about 50-75m2 considering there is a kitchen and a living room as well as a room behind the living room and probably an extra room in the upper floor as well (someone do a floorplan and also tell me why Buck needs so much space and wether they think I could move in with him. My apartment is not this nice and LA isn’t that long a commute).

Point being I don’t know why they brought Ali back in the first place, especially in this episode. She was never mentioned after their first date, so why? Just to give people something to discuss during hiatus?

There was no point to have those two incredibly lovey dovey scenes only to have that scenes about what he wants to do next because all those scenes? Would have worked just fine with, you know, his sister (except a little different because incest). Who actually has the what if you can’t go back to being a firefighter - scene with him. So why have a girlfriend you barely introduced and never used before? I’m not mad, 911, just confused! (Fuck me, I really am getting twitter)

As for the topic of this meta, there really isn’t much too tell. Ali honestly doesn’t figure into things except to create more abandonment issues.

I should point out that this episode reinforced the whole Buddie connection thing - from Eddie holding Buck’s hand the whole while he’s pinned to saying „Almost (back to normal)“ to Buck going to Eddie’s ceremony despite probably still being on somewhat of a bed rest.

Other than that, that’s it for Season 2. Whew!

Before I let ya’ll off the hook, though (look, you’ve read it this far, you can now just bear it a bit longer) I wanna comment real quick:

Compared to Season 1 Buck barely had any character development (mainly because he had so much in Season 1 and sometimes stuff like that needs to settle - real life would be the same way)

Eddie however has nearly no development at all and in fact as of Season 3, not a lot has changed in that regard. His issues just became more obvious. Which is something I actually like a lot, because one: he went through a lot of shit in a fairly short amount of time and two: he is such a stubborn and reserved character, anything else wouldn’t be in character and ultimately feel rushed. Plus, because this is his personality it’s feels like we’re actually getting to know him like you would a person in real life? Piece by piece, no unnecessary exposition. Or maybe that’s just me, I don’t really know anything about storytelling.

I also want to comment on Buddie real quick because it would be dishonest if I didn’t and also it’s just glaring me in the face:

The thing is, while I do not necessarily believe they have any intention of making them romantic (because I have been burned too often and just recently by a show that liked to praise itself for its diversity (so a heartfelt fuck you to Sera Gamble and who ever decided to kill off Quentin Coldwater, because that character mattered so much and you destroyed it)), I do think we are right when we talk about connection and parallels and being each others person and just generally being each others closest relationship. Because they parallel their stories so much and they connect them so often and they did do it from the get go like as early as Episode 4 - which was already written and probably already shot by the time Episode 1 aired. So there. I said it. Buddie is real, wether it’s platonic or romantic, it is real. And that also matters!

(although of course if they went with romantic? That would matter a bit more! Tim Minear, listen to me, you could make TV history! This would be bigger than Supergirl making the sister gay in the second season! Ya’ll would be legends, revered by fans for years to come! Also I’d bake you a cake?)

And there you have it! Season 2! We made it! And only like 2000 words more than Season 1.

Can you believe at this point I have written nearly 10.000 words on these two exceptional characters and their issues? And it’s technically only one issue, like I’m ignoring so much stuff just glaring at me right now!

(also on a side note, this is where I tag @angelcamael , who asked me to do so and @greyhello because she inspired me to write this meta in the first place and while it is now ... no longer about that original topic, I’m still gonna tag her)

[crystaldwightsworld]

Adam, post surgery, on medical leave...

So... I’ve got this whole, weird, crazy, obviously non canon idea in my head for something I wanna do.

It’s obvious that Adam is struggling even after the 6 months of medical leave Sarif has given him but what’s been on my mind is, what’s he been doing in the 6 months prior?

Surely, drinking up a storm, smoking and eating massive amounts of cereal to try and manage to cope but I can’t imagine the amount of pain he must have been in in adjusting to his augmentations. I mean, severe pain, agony and anguish. Not to mention the clear breakdown he has the first night he gets home from the clinic. I’m talking a severe breakdown, crying, beating on the wall of his shower, wailing, angry and pained tears. It’s all he can do on most days other than get out of bed. He’s fallen to the bottom pit of a depressive state that he can’t even be bothered to clean up after himself (i.e. the piles of empty cereal bowls strewn about counter tops and tables, unpacked belongings, etc), let alone look at himself (the first broken mirror). Adam loathes his augs, suffers greatly with body dysphoria now that more than half his body is gone and replaced with mechanical limbs he never consented to but on top of all of it, his ex-girlfriend is gone, whom he was really good friends with even after the break up. Even his dog is gone.

He’s become aware of how serious his neglect is getting. As much as he’d like to handle it on his own and as much as he prefers being a loner, there’s a big part of him that knows he can’t, especially when he has more days where he just wants nothing more than to lay in bed. So, he hires somebody. A maid in such words but she’s more like a house sitter but also called on to be a caregiver for Adam, to Adam. Her name is Adley and even though Adam isn’t quite sure at first with how young she is (she’s 24, yes, major age difference, if that bothers you, then I understand) she adheres and abides by his politely requested rules in keeping his apartment tidy and kempt following in keeping an eye on him, his health and his daily exercises in adjusting with his augs. It’s a long, grueling six months for them both but she’s been better than he would have ever asked for. She’s extremely mindful in keeping his privacy in mind, knocks on the door before entering, doesn’t touch anything she’s not supposed to or rearranging his possessions, keeps his extensive collection of cereals in stock, makes sure he takes his medicine and eats all while being even as quiet as he is, unless she’s playing music that she politely asks to play while she works on her surroundings, trip-hop she called it, some bands he’s never heard of, massive attack and unkle (to which he’s caught her on more than one occasion dancing to while she worked, and yes, he finds it rather cute). He appreciates her but doesn’t quite know how to show or tell her. She does more for him other than provide a service.

Adley, on the other hand, likes Adam, has grown to admire him. Like, really likes him although it’s something she’d never admit to anyone. She genuinely cares for him and his well being and has shown it to him, even in his supposed unawareness of it (i.e. covering him with a blanket after he’s fallen asleep on the couch or in his bed, closing the door and hardly bothering him on days where his pain levels are too much to handle, chatting with him in the early hours of the morning through messenger or skype when he can’t sleep, sending him memes she knows he’d find funny). Adam’s augmentations don’t bother her but when she shows up one afternoon after Adam’s taken off to an appointment at a LIMB clinic, she discovers just how serious his self loathe really is when she finds the mirror in his bathroom shattered to pieces, cracked and broken with one perfectly shaped impact of what she thinks is his fist. It’s not hard for her to put two and two together. Adam hated himself and would rather destroy a reflective surface than catch a glimpse of himself in it. It breaks her heart, especially since she found him more than attractive, augs or no augs, she’d feel the same. She’d worked hard to gain Adam’s trust and now that she has it, she feels that she might be jeopardizing it by bringing up concerns.

It bothers her immensely to the point where her bother shifts quickly in worry with a desperate need to tell him, to show him that he shouldn’t... when he does. She brings it up after he arrives back, genuine concern laced in her voice when she questions him about it.

“The mirror... did you- did you break it?”

But, alas, the stoic that he was, he brushes if off immediately and claims that it was nothing. Claims that he’s fine. Retreats to the confines of his room with nothing more than a peep uttered, leaving Adley to her thoughts, confused and conflicted. She knows better than to push him on it.

It’s the third one he’s broken. He hadn’t meant for her to find it. Had forgotten completely that it was one of those days where she made her routine visits. But even then, the mirror still would have been there, she still would have noticed it. He spends nearly the rest of the evening, glaring and gawking at his handiwork, reflecting on the force of his punch, the anger in what was left of his veins, the ache still hiding behind his steel heart (literally). He doesn’t realize just how long he’s been sitting there lost in a daze until she knocks on the frame of his doorway, announcing that she was about to leave for the evening and asking if he needed anything. That was Adley. Always so sweet and kind, worried about him way before she’d be worried about herself. With shoulders still slumped and his back still to her, he finally manages to speak, the first words he’s spoken to her in hours.

“Adley, can I talk to you for a minute?” His raspy low voice asks to her. There’s absolutely no lilt or fall to his tone but her heart nearly sinks to her feet, so certain that this was going to be the last time she’d ever see him, that he was going to fire her. Either way, she steps into the room and makes her way over to him, standing a few feet away from him in waiting for his dismissal, her fingers anxiously fidgeting in her nervousness.

It’s a long, empty and barren silence between them before he finally turns to match her gaze. There was no point in ignoring it any longer.

“I broke the mirror.” He admits. His confession surprises her.

“You’re not firing me?” She asks, to his surprise.

“Of course not, why would I?” He asks, genuinely confused.

“I thought I- I-I don’t know, maybe I had over stepped a line or something.” She brings up, her voice breaking and cracking. She’s nervous, Adam senses. “Why did you break the mirror?”

Adam inhales and sighs heavily, stretching his lengthy legs out in front of him and combing his fingers through his hair. He takes one last quick glance at his destroyed mirror before reminding himself not to look at it and shifting his gaze back to Adley. She’s not expecting it when he retracts his eye shields. She’s never seen him without them.

“Because... because I hate these fucking augs, I hate looking at them, what they make me. They’re apart of me now and there’s nothing I can do about it. I almost died on that table, Adley. They say they saved my life but... with what they had to do to do it, with what they gave me... sometimes I wonder if I’d be better off dead. Should have let me die there. I can hardly stand to look at myself because that’s not me, that’s not... Adam. I- for fuck’s sake, I can’t even jack off, cannot get my goddamn rhythm back- I-” He pauses, realizing what he just said with his mind running rampant with thoughts, he hadn’t even thought twice about what he was saying. Adley still stood there, waiting and listening to him although was now doing a horrible job to hide the smile that had appeared on her lips.

It’s faint, hardly there at all but even in the dim light seeping through his blinds that was the Detroit night, she catches the grin that appears just ask quick as it vanishes, watching Adam close his eyes against the embarrassment.

“I-I’m sorry Adley, I’m sure you don’t wanna listen to me vent and rant.” Adam breaks the awkward silence.

“N-no Adam, it’s okay, really. I don’t mind.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to keep you, if you need to leave-”

“No, I don’t but... Adam.” She says, her gaze lifting towards the bathroom where his broken mirror resided. He catches her glimpse. She has no idea how to put it into words, that his augmented limbs didn’t scare her, how much she adored him, how much she pondered and thought about him, immersed in fantasies and scenarios that would never happen...

“Can I try something? I mean, show you, I don’t know.” She asks him, wanting his permission. He nods. She wastes no time in making herself comfortable in front of him, between his now pulled up knees and... on hers before him. This is, this was highly, highly suggestive but he waits for her, enamored in her tiny frame in the darkness of his bedroom.

Her lacquered fingers lift cautiously and reach for his alloy plated hands. Augmented hands didn’t sense touch the exact same way skin did but either way, he could still feel her hands in his, her flesh chilled but cradling his carbon black fingers with a tenderness he had all but forgotten. She has no idea where this new found confidence was coming from but with her trust that she held with him, she’s not afraid to let her hand explore his forearm, letting his other touch her face as she pushes her cheek against his palm, almost lovingly all the while a gawking Adam stared at her, mouth slightly agape, his heart, artificial or not, thudding rampantly against the steel wall of his chest cavity. She... had no idea what this meant to him, what it felt like to be touched again. He’s so overwhelmed and fixated on her hands on him that he has to remember to tell himself to breathe.

“I don’t see the augs, Adam. I... only see you. Yes, apart of you may be gone, may have been taken from you but... this is still you, this is the Adam I know. Augs or no augs, I’d feel the same way. Trust me when I say that I don’t let just anybody near me like this, let alone touch. I don’t see a machine, a product. I see you, a man, my um- well my friend, I guess, if I’m being honest.” She tells him. Of course if she were really being honest, she’d tell him he was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, that no one compared to him.

He may not show the emotion on his face but it’s written well in his eyes, glimmering in the low light and contracting in taking her in. They’d been close before but nothing like this, nothing intimate. Her hands move to his face, her skin grazing against his and goddamn, he could almost melt with the tiny brushes of her pinky fingers invading into his hair line.

“I can’t change the way you think or feel Adam but... next time, come to me maybe? You know I’m always okay to talk if you need to. A three in the morning skype call has never stopped you before, don’t let this stop you now. Not because you’re paying me but because I want to. That’s what people do when they care for each other. They help the other.”

He’s speechless, has absolutely no idea what to say but he words have touched him somewhere deep down in the wallows of his broken mind. And her hands on his face, he had forgotten what it was like to be touched again. As much as he’s fighting to hold them back, he can’t help the stray tears that roll down his prominent cheeks, Adley’s skinny long fingers brushing them away as she still cradled his face in her hands.

It’s quiet for some time between them, nothing but the sound of Adam’s breathing filling the empty silence. She’s not expecting anything, especially from Adam, he’s always been so guarded and blocked off and she’s more than used to it by now. It nearly knocks the breath out of her lungs when he pulls her to him, his arms hooked underneath her shoulders as he clung to her. She’s more than happy to reciprocate the hug, her arms wrapped around his waist and holding him close, this moment, she had played over so many times in her head yet it had never went this way. Adam was quiet as he held and hugged her to him but she doesn’t mind, even when his hold on her tightens. She’d stay there for as long as he needed her to.

“Stay with me.” His low voice whispers to her in the pregnant silence. Her eyes widen at his request. “Stay with me tonight. Please?” He pleads, his voice longing and desperate.

“Adam, I- I don’t have any clothes with me.” She reminds him.

“You can wear mine.” He offers. She smiles.

“I-I need to shower as well, I should really get going.”

“You can use my shower.” He assures her. Again, she smiles, huffing out a laugh. He pulls away to look at her, his fingers tangling and intertwining with hers. “Please, stay with me. I don’t want you to go.”

She can’t say no to that.

“Alright, Adam. I’ll stay.”

As much as he preferred being alone, he felt comforted to know that she’d be there in the morning with him. Maybe they could cuddle in bed together until noon, get up and make breakfast together. Well, she could teach him, at least.

“Well, if I’m gunna be staying here, we need to figure out the food situation. I don’t know about you but I’m starving. You wanna order take out?” Adley suggests, pulling away and standing.

“What, no cereal?” Adam chides.

“Adam, I am not eating cereal for dinner!” Adley whines as she makes her way back out into his kitchen.

“Why not? It’s good!”

“Adam!”

He joins her back out in the kitchen, looking and searching through the massive collection of restaurant menus he had stockpiled. It’s the happiest he’s felt in months. He couldn’t wait to wake up next to her in the morning.

[jadelotusflower]

November Roundup

Some writing success this month - I finished and posted a new chapter for Against the Dying of the Light, and made progress on The Lady of the Lake and Turn Your Face to the Sun. I didn’t work much on my novel, but I did do some editing on the first third so that’s progress.

Words written this month: 6647

Total this year: 67,514

November books

Girl, Woman, Other by Bernadine Evaristo - joint winner of the 2019 Booker Prize (with The Testaments by Margaret Atwood) this was an engrossing and interesting read. Stylistically unusual formatting and scant use of punctuation that is a bit jarring at first, but you quickly adapt as you read. There’s no plot as such - instead the story is formed by vignettes of twelve black women and their disparate yet interconnected lives. We have mothers and daughters, close friends, teachers and students, although the connections aren’t always obvious at first - we can be exposed to a character briefly in the story of another with no idea that she will be a focus later on. It’s very skillfully done, to the point whereupon finishing I wanted immediately to re-read (but alas, it was already overdue back to the library). There is so much ground covered that we are really only given a glimpse into the characters lives, but there is a diversity of intergenerational perspectives of the African diaspora in the UK, and I highly recommend.

The Evening and the Morning by Ken Follett - after finishing The Pillars of the Earth I had intended to read the sequel, but this was available on the library shelf and I had to place a hold on World Without End, so the prequel came first. Set sixty years before the Conquest (150 before Pillars) it primarily addresses the growth of the hamlet of Dreng’s Ferry into the town of Kingsbridge, through the lives of a monk with a strong moral code, a clever and beautiful noblewoman, and a skilled builder, working against the machinations of an evil bishop. Sound familiar? This is Follet’s most recent work, and I do wonder if he’s running out of ideas as this covers very similar thematic ground.

Ragna is a compelling female character, but once again the romance-that-cannot-be with Edgar is tepid, Aldred is a very watered down version of Prior Philip, and there’s no grand framing device such as building the cathedral to really tie to all together (although things do Get Built, and it’s interesting but not on the level of Pillars). This is the tail end of the Dark Ages and it shows - Viking raids, slavery, infanticide - and while it seems Follett’s style is to put his characters through much tragedy and tribulation before their happy ending, I wish writers would stop going to the rape well so readily. But at least the sexual violence isn’t as...lasciviously written as in Pillars? Scant praise, I know. But Follett’s strength in drawing the reader into the world and time period is on display, made even more interesting in this era about which we know very little.

Women and Leadership by Julia Gillard and Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala - I have a great deal of respect for Julia Gillard, Australia’s first female Prime Minister who was treated utterly shamefully during her tenure and never got the credit she deserved, perhaps excepting the reaction to her iconic “misogny speech” whichyou can enjoy in full here:

Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala was the first woman to be Minister of Finance and Foreign Affairs in Nigeria, was also the former Managing Director of the World Bank, and currently a candidate for Director-General of the WTO.

This is an interesting examination of women in leadership roles, comparing and contrasting the lives and experiences of a select few including (those I found the most interesting) Ellen Sirleaf, the first female President of Liberia, Joyce Banda, the first female President of Malawi, New Zealand’s current Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, and of course, Gillard and Okonjo-Iweala themselves.

November shows/movies

The Vow and Seduced: Inside the NXIVM Cult - I’ve been following the NXIVM case for a while now, when the news broke in 2017 I was surprised and intrigued that it involved actresses from some of my fandom interests - Alison Mack (Smallville), Grace Park and Nikki Clyne (Battlestar Galactica), and Bonnie Piasse (Star Wars). Uncovered: Escaping NXIVM is an excellent podcast from that point in time that’s well worth a listen. There’s been a lot of discussion comparing these two documentaries and which one is better, but I feel they’re both worthwhile.

The Vow gives a primer of NXIVM as a predatory “self improvement” pyramid scheme/cult run by human garbage Keith Reniere, from the perspective of former members turned whistleblowers Bonnie Piasse, who first suspected things were wrong, her husband Mark Vicente who was high up in the organisation, and Sarah Edmondson who was a member of DOS, the secret group within NXIVM that involved branding and sex trafficking. Seduced gives more insight into the depravity and criminality of DOS from the pov of India Oxenburg, just 19 when she joined the group and who became Alison Mack’s “slave” in DOS - she was required to give monthly “collateral” in the form of explicit photographs or incriminating information about herself or her family, had to ask Mack’s permission before eating anything (only 500 calories allowed per day), was ordered to have sex with Reniere, and other horrific treatment - Mack herself was slave to Reniere (as was Nikki Clyne) and there were even more horrific crimes including rape and imprisonments of underage girls.

Of course each show has an interest in portraying its subjects as less culpable than perhaps they were (there were people above and below them all in the pyramid after all) - Vicente and Edmondson in The Vow and Oxenburg in Seduced, but what I did appreciate about Seduced was the multiple experts to explain how and why people were indoctrinated into this cult, and why it was so difficult to break free from it. This is a story of victims who were also victimisers and all the complications that come along with that, although I’m not sure any of these people are in the place yet to really reckon with what happened and all need a lot of therapy.

Focusing on individual journeys also narrows the scope - there are other NXIVM members interviewed I would have liked to have heard a lot more from. There is also a lot of jumping back and forth in time in both docos so the timeline is never quite clear unless you do further research. I would actually like to see another documentary one day a bit further removed from events dealing with the whole thing from start to finish from a neutral perspective. The good news is that Reniere was recently sentenced to 120 years in prison so he can rot.

I saw value in both, but you’re only going to watch one of these, I would say go for Seduced - if you’re interested in as much information as possible, watch The Vow first to get a primer on all the main players and then Seduced for the full(er) story.

The Crown (season 4) - While I love absolutely everything Olivia Coleman does, I thought it took a while for her to settle in as the Queen last season and it’s almost sad that she really nailed it this season, just in time for the next cast changeover (but I also love everything Imelda Staunton does so...) This may be an unpopular opinion, but I wasn’t completely sold on Gillian Anderson as Thatcher - yes I know she sounded somewhat Like That, but for me the performance was a little too...affected? (and someone get her a cough drop, please!) 

It is also an almost sympathetic portrayal of Thatcher - even though it does demonstrate her classism and internalised misogyny, it doesn’t really explore the full impact of Thatcherism, why she was such a polarising figure to the extent that some would react like this to her death:

But I suppose it’s called The Crown, not The PM.

Emma Corrin is wonderful as Diana, and boy do they take no prisoners with Charles (or the other male spawn). I was actually surprised at how terrible they made Charles seem rather than both sidesing it as I had expected (but perhaps that’s being saved for season 5). It does hammer home just how young Diana was when they were married (19 to Charles’ 32), how incompatible they were and the toxicity of their marriage (standard disclaimer yes it’s all fictionalised blah blah). The performances are exceptional across the board - Tobias Menzies and Josh O’Conner were also standouts and it’s a shame to see them go.

I was however disappointed to see that the episode covering Charles and Di’s tour of Australia was not only called “Terra Nullius” but the term was used as a very tone deaf metephor that modern Australia was no longer “nobody’s land/country”. For those who aren’t aware, terra nullius was the disgraceful legal justification for British invasion/colonisation of Australia despite the fact that the Indigenous people had inhabited the continent for 50,000 years or more. While the tour was pre-Mabo (the decision that overturned the doctrine of terra nullius and acknowledged native title), there was no need to use this to make the point, especially when there was no mention at all of the true meaning/implication of the term.

The Spanish Princess (season 2, episodes 4-8)- Sigh. I guess I’m more annoyed at the squandered potential of this show, since the purpose ostensibly was to focus on the time before The Great Matter and give Katherine “her due” - and instead they went and made her the most unsympathetic, unlikeable character in the whole damn show. (Spoilers) She literally rips Bessie Blount’s baby from her body and, heedless to a mother’s pleas to hold her child, runs off to Henry so she can present him with “a son”. I mean, what the actual fuck?

I’m not a stickler for historical accuracy so long as it’s accurate to the spirit of history (The Tudors had its flaws, but it threaded this needle most of the time), but this Katherine isn’t even a shadow of her historical figure - she’s not a troubled heroine, she’s cruel and vindictive, Margaret Pole is a sanctimonious prig, and Margaret Tudor does little but sneer and shout - the only one who comes out unscathed is Mary Tudor (the elder), and it’s only because she’s barely in it at all. It’s a shame because I like all of these actresses (especially Georgie Henley and Laura Carmichael) but they are just given dreck to work with.

This is not an issue with flawed characters, it’s the bizarre presentation of these characters that seems to want to be girl power rah rah, and yet at the same time feels utterly misogynistic by pitting the women against each other or making them spiteful, stupid, or crazy for The Drama. I realise this is based on Gregory so par for the course, but it feels particularly egregious here. (Spoilers) At one point Margaret Pole is banished from court by Henry, and because Katherine won’t help her (because she cant!) she decides to spill the beans about Katherine’s non-virginity. Yes, her revenge against the hated Tudors is...to give Henry exactly what he wants? Even though it will result in young Mary, who she loves and cares for, being disinherited? Girlboss!

This season also missed the opportunity to build on its predecessors The White Queen/Princess and show why it was so important to Henry to have a male heir - the Tudor reign wasn’t built on the firmest foundations and so needed uncontested transfer of power, at the time there was historic precedent that passing the throne to a daughter led to Anarchy, and wars of succession were very recent in everyone’s memory. At least no one was bleating about The Curse this time, which is actually kind of surprising, because the point of the stupid curse is the Tudor dynasty drama.

But it’s not all terrible. Lina and Oviedo are the best part of the show, and (spoilers) thankfully make it out alive. Both are a delight to watch and I wish the show had been just about them.

Oh well. One day maybe we’ll get the Katherine of Aragon show we deserve - at least I can say that the costumes were pretty, small consolation though it is.

[rivalsforlife]

oooo i'm sorry but one more scene for commentary if youre up to it: maya and phoenix talking in chapter 6?

Of course, no need to apologize!! Once more, keeping this under a “keep reading”:

Around noon, his apartment intercom buzzed. “Nick, it’s Maya! Let me up.”

Maya? What was she even doing here? Maya never visited him out of the blue anymore… Whatever. She’d probably think he was at his office. She’d go away soon.

There was another buzz. “Nick! I know you’re in there! I called your office, you know!”

Kids these days. Selling out their bosses that easily… Maybe he should cut Athena’s salary. Nah, he wasn’t Edgeworth. … Edgeworth.

“don’t think about Edgeworth don’t think about Edgeworth -- ah damn it”

“Nick! Hello! Nick!”

She had to give up eventually, right? Whatever she was here for, someone else could help her…

“Security’s coming after me, if they arrest me you’re gonna have to defend me, you know, do you want that? I’m not even gonna try to pay you for it since it’s gonna be your fault —”

Ugh.

Phoenix stumbled out of bed and buzzed her in. “Fine. Come up.”

“Thank you!” she chirped in a sing-songy voice. “Hey, you heard him, let me go…”

Maya’s Obnoxious Little Sister Energy is eternal. Her next strategy was to break from the guards and dash as far as she could go trying to break her way into Phoenix’s apartment which... wouldn’t have ended well haha.

Also! Like I mentioned in the previous ask, a lot of this fic was just Phoenix’s Relationship Issues, and the way I characterized him in this fic was a lot of... he needs to have people around or he kind of falls apart, and his history of having people around was that these people needed him in some way -- Maya after she was accused of murder and then hanging around for Mia’s sake, Trucy being abandoned and needing looking after, even Miles to an extent needing to be saved from his corrupt ways and the von Karma influence -- and now that they’re all growing up and don’t need him anymore he thinks they’re going to abandon him.

That’s a long-winded way of referring to that one sentence of “Whatever she was here for, someone else could help her”

Also... I don’t live in an apartment and haven’t visited many apartments? So I’m not totally sure how the whole buzzing someone in process works. no one’s called me out on it though so I guess I’m okay.

Phoenix sighed and wondered if he should make himself look presentable. There probably wasn’t enough time. Maya wouldn’t notice that he hadn’t changed his clothes for two days, right?

She probably would. But he couldn’t do anything about it, as just then there was a knock on the door. Figuring he should appease her so she wouldn’t give security anymore trouble, he reluctantly let her in.

Indeed, there was Maya, looking cheery as ever. “Hey, dude. What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing,” said Phoenix, and in response to Maya’s raised eyebrow as she took in his appearance, “Just not feeling well. Why’re you here, Maya? I thought you were busy up at the village.”

passive-aggressive “oh aren’t you supposed to be busy?” from Phoenix here...

One of the other major changes I made to this fic in the editing process was cutting out a LOT of Maya content. I really love her and wanted her to be here more, but to properly go through the Phoenix Characterization Study I had to make it seem like she wasn’t around as much so that Phoenix would feel more lonely. again, sorry, Phoenix... but like originally she came down for the picnic in chapter 3 and was around at the beginning of chapter 4, so it would be SO WEIRD if she showed up in every single chapter except for chapter 5 and then Phoenix accuses her here of being too busy to hang out with him. She was there all the time! So I only had her show up for the wedding and added in a few more lines alluding to her not being here as much as she used to in trilogy days.

“I am,” she admitted, pushing her way into his apartment. “But your daughter called me yesterday morning and said that if you didn’t call, I should check in on you. So. Here I am. And I know you’re not just sick.”

Kids these days indeed! Like Phoenix didn’t feel bad enough, his own daughter had to go and parent him. “Look, Maya, everything’s fine. I’m sorry Trucy made you think something was wrong.”

One writing tip I got and I’ve been working on implementing is like... trying to have a general idea of what every character is up to when they’re not “on screen”, so to speak. Even then, what they’re thinking about when they’re not the POV focus. So basically after the call with Trucy just prior to this scene, she immediately decided to call Maya (because she could tell something was Off with her dad and Miles, given his reaction when she mentioned his name,) and then told her to check up on him because he really scared her during that phone call... though she wouldn’t admit it. She basically saw it as a hint of returning to a sort of... disbarment-era depression, which she didn’t want, so she wanted to make sure someone could check in on him as soon as he could since she couldn’t.

Also another small aspect of Phoenix characterization (that’s going to be like 99% of my commentary about this fic I’m sorry) is that the way he deals best with depression is like... being around people, and doing things with people. It’s obviously not a method that works for everyone, but it keeps him from dwelling on things and kind of gives him a purpose, helps him feel like he’s needed. Mostly got this headcanon from RFTA where he says he was unable to take on any cases when Maya was gone until Ema showed up... and then even at the beginning of 2-2 he does seem pretty down. Trucy kind of knows some of this since she was the main thing keeping him together during disbarment era, at least enough to know that when Phoenix is depressed he’ll do much better if he’s got someone he cares about around.

Anyways, Trucy probably told Maya just to call in, because she knows her aunt is busy and part of the reason Maya hasn’t been around much is because she’s stuck with all sorts of Master responsibilities at Kurain, but Maya herself wanted to come down and check on Phoenix in person because she knows how he can get and if it was enough to worry Trucy, then she was pretty worried too.

Maya planted her hands on her hips. “No way, mister. I did not take a two hour train ride down here for you to tell me everything’s fine. Do you know how difficult it was to get permission to leave?! I had to pull the old ‘I need to visit my boyfriend’ card for them to let me go!”

Phoenix groaned, despite himself. “Have they still not caught on about that?”

“Their desperation for an heir has blinded them to common sense. They made me drink some disgusting fertility tea before I left, so you really owe me one.” She lowered her hands and sighed. “Look, Nick, I know something’s up. So talk to me. Please.”

I took a few liberties to sprinkle in my Kurain headcanons in here... which I’ve rambled about more in depth elsewhere, so I won’t go into too much detail, but basically: hereditary spiritual power leads to a lot of pressure on people who have said hereditary spiritual power to reproduce so they can pass it on to the next generation. Particularly with Maya (and Pearls to some extent though I believe Maya would willingly take the heat on it) since the two of them are the only remaining spirit channelers of the Kurain technique. And since it took Maya a really long time to become the Master officially (I don’t buy the idea that she wasn’t skilled enough by the end of T&T, my headcanon is the Master training process involves two years in Khura’in but she put that off until Phoenix was in the clear regarding Kristoph stuff) they probably don’t want her leaving the village to “goof off” unless she’s doing it to produce an heir. her biological clock is ticking! haha! (... ugh.)

And this kind of leads to -- in the elaborate backstory of this fic that I can only touch on through DVD commentaries which is like half the reason I do these things -- Maya and Phoenix agreeing that if Maya needs to get out of the village but whoever the other people in the village are start putting pressure on her, she can say she’s “visiting her boyfriend” who they think is Phoenix but really isn’t... and I guess they assume they’re getting up to heir-making activities but oh darn! didn’t work this time! guess I’ll have to go again next week! (obviously they’re just out getting burgers or something.) 

Hence people in the village pushing fertility tea on her because they think the problem is that she’s not getting pregnant... although they’re kind of misunderstanding the reason why she’s not getting pregnant... because no amount of fertility tea in the world will lead to a spontaneous pregnancy without other activities first. which aren’t happening. I feel like I need to clarify this multiple times just in case someone misunderstands.

Pearls both knows about this agreement and knows that Phoenix and Maya aren’t actually dating because she’s like nineteen now? She’s probably known for years, she never brings it up during DD and SOJ.

“I won’t go into much detail” oops. I’m so sorry.

Phoenix didn’t say anything.

Maya took him by the arm and guided him to the couch, plopping him down none-too-gently before sitting next to him. “You can trust me, right?” she asked. “You’re my best friend. I’m here for you, even if you did something really stupid.”

Phoenix laughed a bit. “Yeah… I did something really stupid.”

“Okay. Tell me.”

Phoenix buried his face in his hands with a sigh, then rolled his head to peek through his fingers at Maya. She looked — angry, sure, he wasn’t exactly being the most cooperative of people right now, but — open. Prepared. Like she was actually going to listen.

I know that SOJ called Miles Phoenix’s best friend, which don’t get me wrong I absolutely loved, but I do wish Maya was ALSO considered Phoenix’s best friend if not one of his closest friends, because they’re so obviously best friends. They’re a different flavour of best friends than Phoenix and Miles, because Phoenix and Miles are the “it’s complicated and there are secret romantic feelings possibly but we trust each other unconditionally” best friends, Phoenix and Maya have a twenty-five step secret handshake they have to execute every time upon meeting.

But of course that doesn’t mean they can’t be serious, Maya is absolutely here for her dumb best friend

“It’s…” He sighed, again. “Have you ever — have you ever wanted something for a really long time, but — but you never thought you’d get it, and then you have this chance, and you just… panic?”

Maya nodded solemnly. “Steel Samurai movie premiere tickets. I won a raffle, but I forgot I signed up for them and thought it was a hoax, and didn’t get to accept them before the deadline. The bad Wi-Fi didn’t help, either.”

“But that doesn’t mean they can’t be serious” um

The one constant among all the ace attorney main characters is that NONE OF THEM WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS EVER

Also I struggled a lot with this fic trying to figure out... exactly what was going on in Phoenix’s head, and how he would interpret what was going on in his head. I kept changing opinions all the time and it was so off before I did editing haha. Even this line is still a little weird with the “Have you ever wanted something for a really long time” because he probably shouldn’t be aware that he has wanted this for a long time. ... I’m going to stop pointing out the flaws in my own fic now--

At Phoenix’s glare, she added, “I’m just kidding. Thought I’d lighten the mood a bit. Is this about Edgeworth?”

“What makes you think that?”

“‘Cause when is it not about Edgeworth with you,” asked Maya, cutting straight to the heart of things, as always. “Did he ask you out?”

“Not even that.” Phoenix turned his gaze to the floor, ashamed. “He said he loved me. I… I told him I didn’t feel the same.”

Maya was silent for a moment. Phoenix didn’t dare look at her. “Do you?”

“I like being around him,” said Phoenix. “I like seeing him smile, and laugh, and — and he makes me happy.”

What he wouldn’t give to see Edgeworth smile and laugh at him again.

“Not what I asked, dude.”

“Nick’s being really broody again it’s GOTTA be Edgeworth...”

Anyways that second-to-last line there is sticking out at me and I’m pretty sure it’s one I wavered back and forth on deleting before deciding to keep. ... at least I think I kept it? I’m taking these from google docs so there might be a few tiny changes from the ao3 version but I don’t think there’s anything too major I changed while doing last-minute edits.

Again we run into the problem of Phoenix Is Incapable Of Admitting He’s In Love With Miles -- which is the whole psyche-locks thing that pops up in the scene after this. The psyche-locks were also a pretty last-minute addition plot-wise... I think this fic was the most I deviated from my outline, but I was pretty rushed for time so I didn’t do as much planning as I normally would.

Hm I think there’s another ask where I can talk more about the psyche-locks? I’ll talk a bit here because I put a lot of thought into it. Basically I ran with the idea of black psyche-locks hiding something even the owner isn’t aware of, and that those psyche-locks are (typically? who knows about Kristoph) inflicted through traumatic events. Phoenix has three because I came up with three main Issues he had to work through, but some of them kind of blend together... two of them came up through specific traumatic events (Phoenix guesses them in chapter 8) and another one is just general overall trauma. if no one brings up the particular scenes by the time I get to that other ask, I’ll talk more about them, but basically there are three locks from three separate traumas and three occasions where they break -- someone guessed one of the breaking scenes on the narumitsu discord, but no one’s brought up the other two yet! 

Long-winded way of saying that the psyche-locks are the reason that Phoenix can’t admit that he’s in love with Miles yet... and it’s kind of a cheap fantasy visualization of the trauma, basically? Maybe not the most elegant way of addressing it, but I never claimed to be writing for a series which addresses issues elegantly.

“But — but can you even imagine it?” Phoenix demanded, raising his head to gesture fully at the ridiculousness of it all. “Me and Edgeworth?”

“Yeah,” said Maya, simply. “It’s not that hard, really.”

Phoenix had no response.

“You two balance each other out well, and you trust each other, and you both care a ton about each other,” Maya elaborated. “If you love him, what’s the problem?”

oh Phoenix you have no idea. you and Miles are so easy to imagine together that you’re the number one pairing on ace attorney ao3 by a longshot.

Also one thing I kind of wanted to avoid was less of the... “you and Miles are PERFECT for each other how do you not SEE this” thing. nothing against the trope, of course! Just the whole concept of people shipping their friends intensely is something I’m not super familiar with and tbh would make me pretty uncomfortable...? It’s sort of the deal with rpf. Of course this is fanfiction with fictional characters but from an in-universe perspective...

So Maya’s taking the approach of more “Yeah, I can see you and Edgeworth as a couple, I think you’d work well together” rather than “you two are SO perfect together and I’ve been shipping you since 2016!!” because while that may be what Maya is THINKING it’s definitely not what Phoenix needs to hear right now.

“It just… seems like a recipe for disaster. I wouldn’t even know how to… like, this isn’t my first time feeling like this, but when I think about us, me and Edgeworth, it’s…” Why couldn’t he find the right words? “It’s too much.”

Maya brought a hand to her chin and tilted her head thoughtfully. “So — tell me if I’ve got this right — you like Edgeworth too, but for some reason, when he confessed to you, you panicked and you don’t know why.”

“I guess…” Phoenix returned his face to the comforting darkness of his hands. “I don’t know what it is. I-I shouldn’t have a problem, right? But the thought of a-actually admitting that I… or being in a relationship, it feels like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff and am about to fall off.”

Maya was silent for a long time. Phoenix just hoped that whatever she said next, it would somehow magically fix all his problems.

Instead, she said the most ridiculous thing Phoenix could possibly imagine. “Maybe you have trust issues?”

It certainly lightened the mood. Phoenix threw his head back and laughed harder than he had in a long time.

Phoenix is a very trusting person, absolutely, but you can’t tell me this man walked out of the Dahlia Debacle without quite a few romance-related issues. It’s kind of a weird sort of contradiction... 

“No, I’m serious,” she persisted, through his laughter.

“What are you talking about, Maya?” Phoenix managed to get out, once he had that fit of mirth under control. “There’s no way I have trust issues. My whole thing is trusting people and believing in people until the end, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. But trusting someone not to be a murderer is a bit different, isn’t it?”

“It’s not like that’s as far as it goes,” Phoenix argued. “I trust you, I trust all of our friends, more than just not being murderers.”

“Yeah, sure, but romance is kind of on a different level.” She leaned back into the couch thoughtfully. “When’s the last time you’ve been with anyone?”

“... At least not since I got Trucy,” Phoenix admitted, only a little shamefully. “You try hooking up with people while having the world’s most perceptive daughter who’s desperate for a ‘new mommy’.”

“Been with anyone seriously, I mean.”

Phoenix winced. “... College.”

“I rest my case, Your Honor.”

Prettty self-explanatory here, I managed to get most of my thoughts on the actual fic instead of wanting to put it in an appendix or something. Basically... you can trust people in different ways? Phoenix can trust someone to not be a murderer to the extent of putting his own life on the line for them... but when it comes to revealing any sort of details about himself, or general emotional intimacy, he’s kind of stingy about it. Of course the out-of-universe explanation is “Phoenix doesn’t talk about this stuff because we need suspense so the player keeps playing the game instead of an exposition dump as soon as the issue comes up” but I like finding in-universe explanations for out-of-universe stuff.

I think I just regurgitated my points in a few excerpts oops.

Last little comment there regarding the idea of Phoenix presumably having a casual sex life -- Iiiiii am super asexual, have known that for a long time, generally kind of squeamish about the concept and also live a very sheltered life. so I don’t know much about people hooking up... like how people just go out and do these things. But I know people do these things so I try to reference it within my limited knowledge. Anyways yeah presumably that was happening in the background throughout the trilogy in the universe of this fic. probably not an important point. i’m moving on now.

“I’m not hung up on that!” Phoenix insisted. “Iris was a good person, she was the person I trusted. I’ve known that for years, now!”

“But she did lie to you,” Maya pointed out. “And you thought she tried to kill you for five years. I dunno, if it were me, I’d have a hell of a lot of relationship issues now.”

“Do you want me to psychoanalyze you too, now, Maya? It’s not gonna be pretty.”

“Oh, no thanks, that’s what therapy’s for,” she said, far too cheerily. “But really, Nick.”

Anyways I’m pretty invested in the whole Iris-Phoenix dynamic post-Bridge to the Turnabout, because like on the one hand, hypothetically the woman you were in love with but you thought was a killer coming out to say that she actually didn’t kill anyone and was actually in love with you should resolve all your lingering relationship issues resulting from that... but I don’t see that actually happening.

It probably took Phoenix the whole five years to come to terms with the fact that Dahlia hated his guts and tried to kill him, because I do believe he was seriously hardcore in love with her at the time. Well, Iris, but he didn’t know the difference. And then finding out Iris actually loved him... but not enough to actually, say, tell him this beforehand?... makes things kind of messy. Phoenix probably thinks he should be all better now but really the whole Dahlia-Iris thing was messed up and undoubtedly messed him up a lot.

Last little bit is just me squeezing in that Maya probably also has a lot of messed up relationship issues and also definitely needs therapy. (And is getting a bit of therapy in this fic! Good for her!) I have a lot of thoughts about Maya’s trauma... but unfortunately this fic is about Phoenix so I couldn’t go too in depth about that. Sorry, Maya. One day.

Phoenix sank further into the couch. “I don’t have trust issues.”

“Y’know, there’s still a lot of stuff I don’t know about you,” said Maya. “You never tell me anything personal until there’s a murder or something and then you have to. What happened to Edgeworth, both times. The whole Dahlia thing. It took me ages to get you to tell me how you got disbarred, even! And, like, romance has this level of intimacy to it, where he’d need to know stuff about you that I wouldn’t know, that Trucy wouldn’t know. And Nick, you know I love you, but I know you’re scared of that.”

“What do you know about it?” Phoenix snapped. “You’re barely ever here.”

He felt horrible as soon as the words left his mouth. Maya gave a sharp inhale and stiffened, her eyebrows knitting above an angry and hurt glare.

“I’m sorry,” Phoenix apologized, looking at the floor. “That was… that was unfair.”

“Yeah,” said Maya. “Yeah, it was.”

yep regurgitating my points from above. Anyways, highlights: platonic “I love you”s are great, we should have more of those. Just... emphasizing that it’s platonic because the Phoenix and Maya friendship is one of my favourite things in the series.

And there’s that “You’re barely ever here” comment that I had to cut Maya out of most of this fic to fit in, because otherwise it wouldn’t make any sense. In the universe of this fic Maya was pretty distant being busy with training and spirit medium Master stuff after the trilogy... and presumably hasn’t seen Phoenix as much as either of them would like. She loves hanging out with her best friend, and probably feels super guilty too, that Phoenix is dealing with all these issues and she can’t be there because she has other responsibilities -- so obviously it upsets her when Phoenix kind of accuses her of not being there for him, because she definitely would be, if she could, and if Phoenix would let her. 

Pretty much you can’t always be around for everyone all the time, Maya would be so worn out if she had to juggle coming down to the city to hang out with Phoenix all the time on top of all her other responsibilities. She knows this, Phoenix knows this too, he’s just kind of lashing out right now because he’s hurt and confused and misses all his important people, but Maya just happens to be in front of him right now.

And yeah what Phoenix said was pretty uncalled for, which he realizes right away, and Maya acknowledges -- a pretty short fight, I don’t think these two would stay mad at each other for too long. 

They sat in a tense silence for some time, until Maya sighed and brushed back her hair.

“Look, I’m saying these things because I’m scared of it, too,” she said, barely above a whisper. “After Mia, and Mom… I don’t want to be left behind again.”

“Maya…”

“Just think about it, okay?” She extended a pinky towards him. “Promise.”

Reluctantly, Phoenix linked his pinky with hers. “Fine. I’ll think about it.”

points at this and says Maya’s Definitely Got Trauma From Trilogy Events then brushes it off to get off the uncomfortable emotion topics

“Good.” Maya hopped up from the couch and stretched her arms above her head. “I’ll forget about what you said if you buy me lunch, okay? I’ve got a client this evening, so I can’t stay long, but I’ve got enough time to stop by Eldoon’s.”

“If you insist,” said Phoenix with an exaggerated sigh, and Maya laughed, so Phoenix willed himself to push the conversation from his mind for now. Maya would be spending four hours on a train today for his sake; Eldoon’s really was the least he could provide.

and in true Phoenix and Maya fashion we’re just gonna forget about the emotions and go get ramen! 

Anyways thanks anon for requesting this scene I apparently have so many thoughts about Phoenix and Maya friendship... sorry if this is totally incoherent I should not have started this so late it’s like 11:30! But thank you! I will do more of these tomorrow... hopefully.

[aewriting]

Loathly - Chapter 5

Here is Chapter 5 of my “Sir Gawain and the Dame Ragnell” Malex AU.

Here are all parts on AO3.

Warning for ageism, sexism, homophobia.

***

“Woman?” Flint says loudly. “More stew!”

Alex eyes the Lady Guerin. She doesn’t even pause, simply sets down her own bowl, gathers her skirts, and wordlessly takes Flint’s empty bowl and ladles another serving of stew into it. “My lord,” she says quietly, obediently, as Flint accepts it. Jesse is looking on approvingly, and Alex exhales a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.  Lady Guerin is being… surprisingly submissive lately, ever since her conversation with Alex about Jelnos. To be sure, she is still herself with Alex – sharp, witty, opinionated. But with his brothers and father… Perhaps hearing about Kyle’s fate had impressed upon her the depths of his father’s hatred.

Alex watches as the Lady Guerin resettles herself on the log she is using as a seat.  She doesn’t reach for her bowl.  “My king,” she says, voice hesitant and soft, and Alex freezes. “Have I permission to ask a question?”

Jesse’s mouth twitches, and for a moment, Alex thinks he is going to deny her. “I’ll allow it,” he finally says.

Lady Guerin dips her head low. “Oh thank you, my king,” she says, sounding genuinely grateful.  Alex’s eyes narrow. “I feel blessed by the gods to have played some small part in assisting you with King Noah.  I hardly dare ask anything more, but I must know, when can I expect to wed Sir Alex?”

“Eager, are you?”

A convincing blush appears on the woman’s face.  “He has been most attentive, my king, even in the midst of this unusual situation.  There are some who would find it unseemly for a woman to be traveling, alone, with a group of male companions.  A quick marriage would surely silence any wagging tongues.”

Jesse huffs a bit.  “I don’t know that I share your concern, my lady, given that the parties in question are you,” Alex hears the note of distaste, “and my son Alex. But I am eager to resolve our bargain.  We shall hold a small gathering the evening after our return. One of our clergy will perform the ceremony at the castle.  No need for a spectacle.”

The woman’s face scrunches up in concern.  “That… is unfortunate.”

Jesse’s frame goes rigid. “You dare to question me?”

The woman’s brow furrows. She looks regretful.  “It is not… not a question, my king, simply an observation. It has been such a busy time for you, and I am so unused to being in the presence of such greatness.  I may not have spoken with proper clarity earlier, when I informed you that King Noah had, prior to you besting him, boasted about your impending death to all who would hear it.” She bites her lip.  “You, of course, are all-powerful within your realm, and I heard nary a word of your troubles with King Noah inside Unidos. But over the border, in Antar…” she trails off.  “The rumors there… by the gods, the things I heard were far worse than what actually transpired!” She sighs. “And I can only imagine what King Noah has told his allies.”

Jesse’s gaze is hard as he considers her.  “You clearly have your own ideas about this matter, so what do you suggest?”

“A feast.  A grand display. An opportunity to present the truth, to your people and to all the kingdoms in the land.  Let it be known, far and wide, that King Manes of Unidos has bested Antar. It was your own cunning that allowed you to discern the correct answer, of the many you received. You needn’t have trusted me, but you did,” she says.  “That was a decision borne of your own wisdom.” Her gaze drops. “I know what I am. I am no prize, especially for a royal son.  But what a statement it would make, for all to know that your son had such love for you, such loyalty that he would marry a woman of my station, my appearance, just because it pleased you, my king.”  She raises those amber eyes now, and the effect is striking.  “Let your kingdom, and all kingdoms, know your power.”

Alex is stock-still, eyes darting from his father to the woman and back.  

Jesse eyes her, a glint in his eye. “King Noah… he has spoken poorly of me? Of my cunning, my strength?”

The woman gives a shuddery little sigh.  “He has spoken abominably, my king.”

Jesse nods, a tight little motion. “That cannot stand.” He pauses. “We shall have a feast. A grand banquet with all of our allies.  I want everyone to see me in my power, to know that I have bested King Noah of Antar in a battle of wits.” His smile goes hard. “It will also ensure that my youngest son be properly and publicly recognized for his life-long commitment to you, my dear woman.”  He emphasizes the last word as his gaze slides to Alex.

Alex steadily meets his father’s gaze, nods in submission.  Jesse smiles.

***

They’ve ridden about a mile when Alex finally speaks.  “You said you wouldn’t lie.”

He hears the woman scoff. “I said I wouldn’t lie to you,” she says, matter-of-factly.  “I believe it is a matter of survival that I lie to your father and brothers. Fools that they are…” she mutters.

“My brothers, I will give you. But my father…” Alex says, voice tight.

“Are, are you cross?” asks the Lady Guerin, gently squeezing Alex’s shoulder.  

Alex sighs. “Not… not cross, just confused.  Why would you want a large wedding?  Nothing about you that I have seen so far would lead me to believe that you desire such a display.”

“I wish for my protection to be public knowledge. I have seen the way your brothers look at me.  Your father.  Frankly, I am relieved to still be part of this journey.”

Alex shifted uncomfortably, thinking back to his earlier conversation with Flint. “You said you had troubles with King Noah.”

“Yes.”

Alex bit his lip.  “You don’t… don’t have designs on the crown, do you? Of Unidos or Antar?”

The woman chuckles.  “By the gods, no. I am but one woman, and King Noah is very powerful.  And Unidos, well… I would not move against your father or brothers.” She pauses. “Unless you desired it.”

Alex huffs a breath. “Of course not.”

“Of course not,” the woman repeats.  “My other reason for having a large, public celebration of our marriage is for you, Sir Alex. Your allies, even your enemies, they know the sort of ruler your father is. The sort of man. But you… I want to show them that you are different.”

“How?”

Alex can feel the woman shrug. “You are marrying me. Willingly. Without disgust or embarrassment. I told your father that such an action would reflect well on him, and to some it may.  But for most, I believe that the favor will fall on you.”

“Why… why does such a thing matter to you, my lady?”

Her hand twists in his cloak, grasps at him.  “You are good, Sir Alex.  I… I was not expecting that.  You are a good man, and that deserves recognition.” Lady Guerin’s voice is unsteady with emotion. She seems to realize how tightly she is holding onto Alex, and eases her grip. “And if I am about to join the royal family of Unidos, I want to be able to learn more about the world I will inhabit.  Who attends a feast only out of obligation?  Who jostles for attention?  That sort of thing.”

“My lady,” Alex says with a light laugh, “I fear you may be too cunning for your own well-being, at times.”

He feels the woman lean back a bit. “And does that displease you, my cunning?”

Alex shakes his head and reaches up to give the woman’s hand a light squeeze.  “No, not of itself.  I… I value your cunning. You have a way of… extracting what you want that is truly a talent.  I just worry about my father. He does not favor you.”

“Has he ever favored a woman, or anyone that he could not totally control?”

Alex is silent.

“If it makes you feel better, Sir Alex,” says the woman softly.  “I do not intend to be in his crosshairs for long.”

***

They are nearing Unidos. Once there, Alex knows there will be much business to attend to, and he realizes that he will actually miss the constant company of the Lady Guerin.  With her, he finds that he can speak freely, about nearly any topic.  She listens to him, but not in a submissive way, or in a manipulative manner, as with the courtiers. No, she seems to be genuinely interested in his ideas, his opinions, and ready to speak of her own, too, even when she disagrees with Alex.  

His father informed him yesterday of his intent to conduct the wedding ceremony as soon as possible. Alex knows that his father sees this as a form of control for Alex, and cannot possibly comprehend that Alex actually… likes the Lady Guerin.  Not, not as a marriage should be, he thinks, but he could have never had such a union anyway, not in Unidos.  No, if he must marry a woman, the Lady Guerin is as fine a match as any.  His father, for whom women play one of three roles - broodmare, political pawn, or pleasure object – could never understand such an arrangement.

Alex and the Lady Guerin are talking politics, at the moment.

“Who do you think will attend the wedding? Who will be invited?” she’d asked, miles ago, and it had helped the time pass, with Alex telling her at length about the various alliances and rivalries within the kingdoms.  

“King Elios will come,” Alex says, distaste evident.  “He and my father are cut from the same cloth.”

“Along with King Bartos,” the woman says, note of bitterness in her voice.

Alex pauses.  “He… I doubt that he will make the journey, given his state.”

“His state?” the woman says, sharply.

“Yes. Since the accident, he has rarely been seen in public.  His wife, the Queen Elizabeth, has assumed his duties, and I daresay the Tamarin Isles have been all the better for it.”

The woman exhales slowly.  “I don’t doubt it.  I was unaware that there had been an accident, that Queen Elizabeth was in power. Anyone would be better than Bartos, that brute.”

“You don’t know the half,” Alex says, darkly.  “Queen Elizabeth… she is my cousin.  She grew up here, as Lady Elizabeth, in Unidos with me.”

“A beauty, I have heard.”

“Oh yes,” Alex affirms.  “But not just that.  Clever.  So smart.”

“I… I have heard that, too,” the lady murmurs, almost fondly.

“My father never liked that much.” Alex pauses.  “Tried to block her from accessing the palace libraries, shadowing the royal physicians…” He smiles at the memory.  “I was her accomplice.” The smile fades, replaced by something hard and bitter. “She was fourteen when father arranged the match with Bartos. Everyone knew of his reputation.” Alex’s jaw tightens. “I am glad of his fate – is that awful?”

“What, what did happen to him, exactly?” the woman asks, curious.

“It is a queer thing,” Alex says, “for they say it was a clear night. He was struck down. By lightning.”

[nyc-mutants]

Rules & Guidelines

This blog is a selective semi-active blog that will be focusing more on asks and memes than actual RP threads. The concept for the Mutants in New York AU was first established on the @tri-point-bruiser blog, which is now residing as a secondary blog for this account. The decision to make a stand alone blog for the AU came after some thought and discussion as the AU has become popular on other platforms and I have given the ok for people to create OC’s (upon review) in this AU.

This AU still belongs to me and does not fall under fair use and may not be appropriated by other blogs without permission.

The rules are subject to change without notice at any time it is deemed necessary.

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Due to the nature of the blog and the age of the mun, no minors will be allowed on the blog at any time. We have no interest in interacting with anyone under the age of 20. While it is understood that 18 is the age of consent in the US, for personal reasons we are setting the age limit at 20.

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Scheduling:

Be respectful of our time. We have a full time job, and other interests that will take priority over this blog. If you require frequent, quick responses this is not the blog for you. If I choose to thread it will not be in a timely manner unless the muse strikes me. Asks and memes will be answered more often and more quickly.

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Crossovers, OCs, and AU’s: Due to the nature of this particular AU I will be limiting crossover interaction. Not all OCs will fit with this AU, but accommodations can be made. In general we want to be accepting of all OC’s as often as possible, but due to the unique nature of this AU not all OC’s will be compatible. This also goes for other AU versions of the turtles, some other AU’s will blend better with this world than others. If there are ever any questions just speak with the mun.

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Individuals that wish to create an OC on their own blog, or a alternate version of their OC that is tied to this universe will need to contact the owner of this blog. Any pre-approved OC’s are going to be grandfathered in, if you are not certain if this applies to your OC, please contact the blog owner directly with details. We try to keep a record of all OC’s tied to this AU but some may have been missed.

Glossary of Terms:

Abbreviations: IC - In Character OOC - Out Of Character NPC - Non-player Character RP- Role Play OC - Original Character CC- Cannon Character FC-Face Claim OP- Original Poster OvP - Over Powered

Terms and Definitions: Mun - A mun is the author writing for a character in an online RPG. Can also be used as a suffix to denote a reference to a character's player rather than the character. Synonymous with certain connotations of roleplayer, author, player.

Muse - A muse is the character a player is inspired by or is playing. In the past only CCs were considered muses, but today both OCs and CCs are considered a players muse.

Face Claim - A face claim is a person, actor/actress, or character you are using to represent a muse. Often times a face claim is a specific version of an existing character where CCs are concerned. With OC's it is typically an actor/actress.

God Modding - Immunity to any influence or injury. Character is almighty or god like. Invulnerable to consequence.

Meta-gaming - Using OOC knowledge to influence IC actions.

Power-gaming - Similar to god modding. Powerful characters with few limitations. Characters that have no noticeable flaws or weaknesses.

RP Bombing - (aka blind starter) Dropping a RP thread on a muse/mun via ask or submission without prior discussion with muse/mun or as part of an active starter call.

Thread Jumping - The entering, rebloging, or derailing of a thread you are not a part of.

One-Liner - A single line of action or dialog response (1 sentence)

Semi-Para- A single short partial paragraph response (2 to 3 sentences)

Para- A full length paragraph response (4 to 7 sentences)

Multi-Para- Multiple paragraphs constructing a single response.

First person - Use of I or Me (Ex: I walked over and sat down looking around for anyone I knew)

Third person - Story telling point of view (She walked over and sat down, looking around for anyone she knew) 

[thepilotanon]

springbeauty xi

{masterlist}

Just a few more chapters and we’re all done! Thank you to everyone who left sweet messages and liked/reblogged last chapter, and I hope you all know how much I really appreciate you guys. It really does mean a lot to me, so I hope you’ll let me know what you think of this chapter, too, that tells more of the character you get to play! Thank you and enjoy!

warning: none!

Five years prior...

The burial lasted for an hour and the sun was shining in the cemetery as she watched the casket being lowered to rest beside its match. It was warm and the breeze was cool, yet there was nothing but fog and rain clouds inside her heart and mind as she whispered one last goodbye to the man who raised her since the day she was born and left behind by both of her parents. Holding the small bundle of arranged flowers in her hands, she waited until the pastor gave her permission to toss it down the earthy chute to her grandfather’s casket.

Daisies that grew in the backyard and being taught by the same man how to make flower bracelets and flower crowns, she made sure to grab three to symbolize what spring and summer days where like with the three of them. Carnations for the symbolism of pride of having him as her caretaker and provider when no one else would, and daffodils to show how strong he was up until his last breath while holding her hand…

Now back in the large house that once filled with old rock and roll music, smelling like chocolate chip cookies and her grandfather singing off tune, Belle stood with a lost expression with her glass of her grandfather’s favorite whiskey in her hands as the wake reception continued on around her. People chatting and quietly enjoying the listed food left in the dead’s favor, Belle felt her heart sink low at the realization that the three-story, six bedroom and four baths house with a pool was going be very empty once everyone left.

It hurt.

“Hey, my lil Rosabelle,” a familiar voice emerged behind her, pulling out of her negative thoughts as she turned around. Joe Bang wore a black button up and his best dress pants, which she was more than grateful for when he got permission to visit from his parole officer to attend the funeral out of West Virginia for the funeral and wake. Having just been released from prison, part of it felt ironic to be invited to a funeral of someone he was somewhat adopted by and accepted to be a uncle-figure to his only granddaughter.

“Hi, Uncle Joe,” Belle said very softly, almost exhausted. Being brought into a famous Joe Bang hug and being rocked side-to-side, just like every time they reunited for holidays and birthdays, Belle let out a tired breath of relief. She didn’t hesitate to snuggle her face into his shoulder, uncaring of her carefully applied eye makeup. Belle hasn’t cried since the elderly man’s passing despite other people’s encouragement. “I’m really happy you could make it over in time, I don’t think I could have gone through it all without you coming…”

“Not even that fatass parole officer could keep me from seein’ my favorite girlie,” Joe scoffed as he rubbed his rough hands up and down her clothed back of her black dress and knitted sweater in attempted comfort. “Wish I could’a been here before he left, sweetie. M’sorry, baby, I really wish I was there for ya both.”

“It’s okay,” Belle sighed and Joe Bang pulled back to hold her face carefully. “You were doing your time and we both knew that. Grandpa was just glad that you weren’t causing any ruckus while in Monroe.”

Joe Bang shrugged and rolled his eyes, still waiting for the proper time to tell her what he really had been up to. For now, it was not the time. “I’d break out and run all the way here for ya, lil Rosabelle,” he told her seriously and she gave him a weak smile in return. Seeing her look lost for a moment, Joe frowned and patted her cheeks with his fingertips. “Hey, hey, baby, you alright? Do you wanna go sit down in your room for a bit?”

“No, I’m okay,” Belle sighed sadly. “I’m just not too sure what to do next, you know? With Grandpa gone now and all of this happening, with everyone asking what I’m going to do...is it bad for me to say I got nothing? I have nothing.”

Joe’s face scrunched a bit and held his niece-figure in his arms as she rest her head on his shoulder, almost like when she was a toddler again and Joe Bang used to carry her around this very extravagant house to get her to sleep in time for Santa to visit during Christmas. “If you’re worried about payin’ for all the expenses, I got no problem helpin’ ya pay for everythin’, lil Rosabelle. I got enough money tucked away, okay? I’ll give ya money, jus’ name the price...”

“It’s not that,” Belle whispered back so no one could hear. “They left their fortune to me, Uncle Joe. They took my mom off of it and put everything in my name. I just don’t know what to do here without them anymore…”

He knew what she was referring to about the fortune. As much as simple living her grandfather had lived back in Boone County, he made a name for himself after serving in Vietnam and getting married, it was no question that Belle’s grandparents were rich. Joe never bugged the old man for money, though, even when the news of his arrest and sentence to Monroe reached to Belle and the sickly old man. However, hearing that the now departed had left all the money and inheritance to his greatest treasure, Joe Bang felt a little bit at ease knowing that the sticky fingers of her mother won’t ever get ahold of it. Belle was taken cared of financially, then, and Joe would have one less thing to worry about her states away.

Although, now, seeing that Belle was going to be left alone, it broke Joe Bang’s stubborn heart.

Joe sighed and rubbed her back again. “It’s gonna be alright, lil baby. You know there’s always a place for ya back in your old man’s town, right?”

Belle blinked and looked up to him. “Boone County? In West Virginia?”

“That’s the place,” Joe nodded and stepped back. “If ya ever need a place, Boone County is always open for ya, lil Rosabelle. I know I ain’t the best uncle in the world -”

“You’re the best uncle I could ever ask for,” Belle corrected him sternly, a cute pout on her lips that made him grin and snicker before continuing.

“But I know your gramps would want ya to do whatever ya need to, jus’ remember that. I know ya grew up here in Colorado n’ all that fancy junk, but I remember ya tellin’ me and yer old gramps and his lady how you couldn’t wait to spend the summer in Boone County. It ain’t ever too late, honey,” Joe told her while looking into her eyes. “Remember that, sweetie.”

Belle took a deep breath. “I really wish they would let you stay longer, Uncle Joe. It’s not really fair that you have to head back home tonight…”

“Believe me, as much as I love using yer fancy toilet and jacuzzi tub, I don’t wanna spend any more time incarcerated than I already have done,” Joe shook his head before grabbing Belle’s head gently and giving the top of her head a firm kiss. “I’ll call ya when I get home to check up on ya, alright? Sam and Fish are available at any time, if ya need to chat with ‘em at all. Probably will fix ya a helpin’ of their weird prayin’ shit n’ how they’re with the Lord.”

Belle gave him a wet laugh and hugged him tight. “Please be careful, Uncle Joe. Don’t go trying to hit any deer on the way home…”

“No promises, kid!” Joe Bang cackled teasingly before giving Belle a kiss on the cheek to get her smiling. “There’s my lil Rosabelle. Love ya, sweetie. I’ll talk to ya soon!”

Bidding him a goodbye wave and watching him head towards the foyer of the front door, Belle felt herself feel numb on the inside once more. It felt like the last piece of her true happiness was leaving her life again and made her feel empty. Although she couldn’t do anything to prolong his stay - honestly, she had tried over the phone and with emails to extend Joe Bang’s stay at the house - it still didn’t help that he was so far away. Belle remembered how summer was so much fun with her grandfather and Joe Bang and the brothers, how she had a week of nothing but laughter, sunshine and freedom and now it was a memory. A memory fading.

Looking down to her glass of whiskey, Belle downed the drink with the way her grandfather showed her; unlady-like and confident as the burning liquid ran down her throat. Of course, it wasn’t going to even make her buzzed (unless she hogged at least half of the bottle to herself), but she didn’t seem to care.

Turning to the stairs, Belle was ignored and given space as she climbed up the pristine steps and gold railing as she slowly walked to her bedroom. Closing the door behind her, Belle sat of the edge of her dressed bed and fiddled with the glass in her hands as she looked around. Some of the drawers were half-open from her hurried packing for the hospital and her sneakers littered around the plushed rug, it looked lived in and Belle could recall growing up in this very room and changing over the years of her growth…

So why does it all seem to unfamiliar to her now?

Feeling something on her cheeks, Belle cursed under her breath as she used her wrist to wipe away the hot tears that never seem to stop. Her bottom lip quivering, Belle set her empty glass beside her as she let out a sob and kept trying to stop the tears.

“Shit,” she hissed under her breath as she wiped her nose with her sleeve. “Fucking shit…”

Hearing her door creak open, Belle didn’t bother to look as Dayton quietly entered the room and close the door carefully. She heard him approach the bed and sit down opposite to the glass as his cleaned and pressed suited arm wrapped around her back before she finally broke.

“Shhh, it’s okay,” Dayton whispered gently as she turned his way to hide her face into his neck, bringing his other arm to hold her close as she cried. “Let it all out, Belle. It’s okay.”

Belle sobbed and clung to his expensive black suit, yet he didn’t fuss about it as he carefully pet her hair and rest his cheek on top of her head. She didn’t say anything as he kept doing this for who knows how long, letting her cry and stain his clothes and skin with her tears as she wailed against him and clung on to him like a helpless child. He was patient during all of this, keeping himself still and useful for her dispense in her time of mourning until it cooled down.

Her face feeling hot from crying so much, Belle sniffed through her nose and shook from her loss of energy being put through her meltdown. Dayton reached into his pocket and pulled out a few napkins he snagged from the buffet table to blot around her eyes, catching the smearing eyeshadow and mascara so it didn’t worsen from her constant rubbing. Belle let him treat her like this, let him dry her sore face and even wipe her nose as he blew a soft raspberry to trick out a weak laugh at his attempt to lighten the mood before crumbling the napkin to dispose of when he had the chance. Belle let out a long sigh, resting her head on her friend’s shoulder as she closed her eyes, she felt a bit calmer now after letting out all her pent up emotions.

“Do you need me to get you anything?” Dayton asked quietly after a few moments of silence. When she shook her head, he sighed and gently patted her back. “You know you don’t need to wait until you’re hiding from everyone else to cry, Belle. People understand if you need to cry at all…”

“I don’t like crying infront of those who came for Grandpa. You would know that better than anybody here,” she told him with a sort of teasing tone, and he chuckled.

“Like the time you hit your elbow really hard on a brick wall, and you waited until you got into the bathroom at school to start screaming? That was what? A whole five minutes from the field to the bathroom?”

“And someone thought I was actually threatening someone in there,” Belle snorted when Dayton let out a silly, surprised laugh that lightened the mood a bit. “God, that was a terrible day at school.”

“You were cursing like nobody’s business and they could hear you from the hall,” Dayton reminded her and she mocked him, which earned a squeezing hug on her back. “Are you sure there isn’t anything I can do for you, Belle?”

Belle thought it over for a minute, staring off to the wall that held framed photos of her grandparents and her as a baby, one of her few beauty shows she attended with her grandmother as a judge and one of her grandparents in their younger years. Hearing the faint noises of the people downstairs - most who Belle had met a few times or stories told by her grandfather - she realized that she didn’t want that to end quite yet. At least, not completely…

“Can you just stay for a while, please?” she asked quietly. “My uncle had to head back already, and I just don’t want to be alone in the house until I can figure out what to do…”

“He left already?”

“It was hard enough for him to even make it for the funeral,” Belle explained plainly. He didn’t need to know about her uncle and his (hopefully) past experience with the law. “Just for a week at most, please? I just feel awful at the idea of being all alone here with no one. It doesn’t feel right just yet and I’m scared of being alone.”

“Yeah,” Dayton said with a slow nod. “Yeah, of course, Belle. I can stay here with you for a while, don’t worry about it. It’ll be like the old days when I slept in that guest room next to the guest bathroom, right? I’ll wake you up at three in the morning and make you throw your shoes at me again.”

Relief filled Belle’s sore stomach as she smiled up to him with wet eyes, and Dayton gave her his TV practiced grin. “That sounds about right.”

“Then it’s settled,” he told her, patting her back. “I’ll head back to the hotel after everyone leaves and cancel the rest of my stay to come camp out here with you. I’ll even make you breakfast.”

“You’re not going to feed me all those weird healthy junk. I better not wake up and find you doing those weird breathing exercises I saw you do on TV, because that was super uncomfortable seeing your stomach do that so unexpectedly,” Belle warned him.

Dayton shook his head. “Told everyone I’m taking a small vacation, they don’t need to keep tabs on my diet until I get back.”

“Promise you’ll stay here for a little bit longer with me, Dayton?” she asked him, suddenly serious as he looked him in the eye. “Don’t leave me in the dirt like you have in the past. I really need you here with me.”

Nodding, Dayton presented his pinky finger out to her and waited for her to return it by locking their fingers together. “I promise, I’m not leaving you here alone, Belle.”

“What do you mean you’re leaving already? It hasn’t even been two days, and you’re telling me now that you have a flight back to Daytona?”

Belle watched from the kitchen island as Dayton set the last packed bag on the other side of the counter. She was in the middle of making dinner when Dayton came downstairs with his suitcase in one hand and his duffle bag in the other, saying that he was called by his manager and instructed to come back on the next flight in first class. He was ready to go and leave by the time he told her what was going on and a cab already on its way to pick him up, leaving her absolutely baffled by it all.

“I know, I know,” Dayton hurriedly said as he approached her around the counter and placed his hands on her shoulders to keep her from getting riled up. “Listen, I tried telling them that I couldn’t leave you or anything, but they need me back as soon as possible for the upcoming race this Saturday and won’t wait on me. Belle, you got to understand that this is my job - my career we’re talking about.”

“What the hell could they possibly need you to do before a race that’s not even happening for another seven days?” she asked him with a frown.

“There’s checking on the car and my health, for starters, then they scheduled me to do some interviews and promos for the channel and getting more sponsors,” Dayton explained hurriedly. “You know what happened with Chillbain. He’s not getting a whole lot of support from his product, so I’m trying to get other companies to help fund the crew; they’re putting a lot on me and expecting me to get this all to work, otherwise I might not be able to finish the season.”

“No, I get it, but you promised me, Dayton,” Belle told him with a stern expression and he sighed as she crossed her arms. “Don’t do this right now, Dayton. I need you here with me!”

“I know, and I want more than anything to stay here and take care of you, you know that,” he responded slowly. “But my work has to come first, Belle. I worked so hard for this and I can’t just leave my whole team behind, they need me, too!”

Appalled by his words, Belle looked to the bags on the counter with absolute hatred for them. Dayton cupped her cheek and guided her to look back at him, seeing the tears starting to emerge in her tired eyes. Biting his lip, the NASCAR racer held her face with both hands and fondly stroked her cheeks with his thumbs, attempting to calm her from getting upset.

“I’m not leaving you, Belle, I just need to handle work first,” he told her. “I’ll call you every day and night to check on you. As soon as the season is done, I’ll come right back to you and stay as long as you want me to, okay? Please understand…”

Belle saw his cell phone light up to alert him that his cab was outside the large house, and all his attention left as soon as he turned his head from her. Taking his phone and putting it in his pocket, Dayton dared himself to kiss Belle’s head so casually before going to retrieve his bags from the counter and back into his arms.

“I’ll call you, okay? I promise, Belle, I’m not leaving you.”

Belle didn’t sleep that night, being left in the discomfort of the vast space and quietness the house had to offer with her being the only one to provide a soundtrack of soft, tired sobs.

“And the last signature here, and it’s all yours, Shannon,” Belle sang brightly as she stood back to give the woman space to sign the contract of handing over the whole house and property to her grandmother’s second cousin’s great-niece.

Shannon was a kind woman who was a mother of four darling little girls that Belle got to care for during the summers and celebrate birthdays and holidays with. Shannon attended the funeral and was the first one to visit the hospital to comfort Belle in the loss of her grandfather, despite being much closer to her grandma; she was sweet and patient with Belle, always considerate and complimenting her with how she handles her daughters and makes them feel special. Outside of her grandparents and her dear uncle, who isn’t even blood-related to her, Shannon probably had to be the next closest thing to a relative Belle would consider being part of her family. She had Belle’s grandmother’s curvy figure and almost had a similar smile, so when Belle got to see Shannon at the ceremony it really meant a lot to her to try and reach out to the single mother more.

Shannon had money, nearly as much as Belle’s grandparents would receive prior to their retirement, but she was struggling to support her daughters with their schooling and her work schedule. The struggle of her ex-husband’s sudden demand of divorce and refusing to see his own children have been hard on the whole family, and both Belle and her grandpa had helped in caring for the girls after school. Her previous house was a great distance from the girls’ school and lacked a big enough backyard for parties or for her children to have fun in the outdoors. All while Belle’s had a natural garden that grew numerous flowers, and the house was actually a couple blocks away from the school district that the daughters would attend until high school, Belle knew that Shannon somewhat envied the home and wished for a house nearby to go up for sale…

And so, when Belle called Shannon the next day after Dayton’s departure with the offer to give the house to Shannon’s name, the mother couldn’t help but feel like she was living a dream and broke down on the phone as Belle confirmed her seriousness.

Belle packed her personal belongings and important documents. Boxes filled with clothes and her favorite pictures and trinkets she couldn’t depart with and donating everything else to the historic society of the city she lived in and shelters. Giving up thousands of dollars-worth of clothes and toys and blankets that defined her previous life to others who would appreciate them so much more than she ever could, Belle had the back of her grandfather’s classic Boss 429 filled with what she needed and everything else to Shannon and her girls. All her important necessities and identifications were set for her journey and all she had left to do was sign away the house.

“Your bedroom will be open for you when you come to visit, sweetheart,” Shannon explained, her voice thick with happy emotions as she took the pen from Belle and approached the car with the document waiting for her. “The girls already picked out which rooms they wanted, but we will leave your bedroom the way it is for you. This is...God, Belle, this is so...this is amazing. A-are you sure you won’t stay with us? You know there’s so much room, and the kids just adore you so much.”

“I meant what I said, Shannon,” Belle grinned as she fixed her sunglasses onto the crown of her head and the other signed the last dotted line. “If the bank has any questions about the sudden arrangement, they have my cell number and all that junk. Bills are already paid for the next two months, so you can settle in and relax until then.”

“This is really amazing, Belle. I don’t know how to thank you,” the woman sighed as she clicked the pen shut and closed the documents into a yellow envelope Belle provided. Holding it out to her, Shannon was quick to pull Belle into a tight hug. “Thank you, thank you…”

“I’ll call to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to your youngest angel by next week, after school, is that okay?” Belle giggled sweetly as she returned the hug when Shannon nodded with a motherly whine.

“Please be careful on the road, it’s a long way to West Virginia, you understand?” Shannon sighed as she pulled back to wipe her eyes. “Your uncle knows you’re on your way, right? Wherever the hell he lives, or whatever? He’s got a place for you to stay and everything, so you’re not living in the streets. The countryside can be such a scary place, honey.”

“Grandpa didn’t raise a scaredy cat, Shannon,” Belle teased with a wink.

“And the letter to your friend...Dayton, right?”

Belle nodded confidently and twirled the keys on her finger with a rather sweet smile. “If he asks, just give him the letter and be honest.”

Entering the classic with a smile, Belle waved out the window as Shannon disappeared in the horizon. Once she got to the highway with her phone app directing her along the way with the portable charger, she turned up the radio when she heard the familiar voice of one of her favorite singers that she would shout with joy whenever her grandparents played music in the kitchen. Grinning even bigger, Belle rolled down the driver’s window to let the wind hit her face as she began singing at the top of her lungs. She didn’t care if anyone driving by her gave her odd looks at this point, she was feeling her heart grow three times with joy as she recalled wonderful memories and the idea of new ones to come.

“Yer gonna love my brothers, Belle, I promise ya. They’re hilarious when they get into arguments and act like those silly boys in the schoolyard,” Mellie said cheekily as she looped her arm with Belle. The both of them dressed for their night out to go to the bar that is said to be a hidden treasure, Mellie insisted that her new best friend got to meet her older brothers.

Only having moved to Boone County less than a month, finding the above space of the flower shop she worked at from an answered ad made moving in a whole lot easier and surprising Joe Bang with a bouquet of flowers, along with meeting the people who lived in town. Mellie was the first one who Belle became friends with, mostly because the hairdresser caught sights of Belle’s Boss 429 outside the gas station and wanted to find the “hunk” who owned it, only for the newcomer to exit the store with a slurpee and the sudden question if she wanted to buy it for.

‘Well, how much is it?’ Mellie had asked warily.

‘Mm...hundred,’ Belle answered with a shrug and Mellie’s brows raised in confusion.

‘A hundred thousand for a classic? That cheap?’

‘No, just a hundred bucks. The sooner I get this off my hands, the better. The inside is modernized to run better, and I think it’s about two years old now.’ Belle wasn’t really expecting the other woman to nearly faint at how nonchalant she was about the whole interaction, and thus a friendship blossomed right from there. Mellie had the car of her dreams and Belle had someone willing to show her around and get more into the community whenever they weren’t working.

Reading the sign of Duck Tape, Belle was impressed by how comfortable the inside atmosphere was; people playing pool or celebrating a hard day’s work with a cold beverage, others just hanging out and watching the overhead TV with great interest. The bar counter was already crowded in time for the race as Mellie guided her new friend to the farthest booth in the back of the whole establishment, where a man was already cradling his second bottle of beer when he noticed the familiar strawberry blonde woman.

“Hey, Mel! Thought you wouldn’t make it!” the man smiled as he yanked Belle’s friend into a bone-crushing hug. As soon as the man noticed the guest Mellie brought, a sudden change in his charm flipped as he leaned on the table and raised a brow. “And who is this lovely lady you got here, Mel?”

“Jimmy, this is my friend Belle. The one I’ve told you ‘bout, who sold me the car?” Mellie introduced politely as Belle held out a hand to shake with him. “Belle, sugar, this blockhead is my oldest brother, Jimmy Logan.”

Jimmy took Belle’s hand in a gentle hold and pressed a flirtatious kiss on her soft knuckles. “Any beautiful friend of my baby sister is certainly a sight for sore eyes. It’s ‘bout time we got some more classy ladies on this side of town.”

“Then, I suppose you’ll need to keep waiting for those ladies to come, or at least get your eyes checked,” Belle responded just as teasing as she took her hand back, taking a seat across as Mellie followed with a laugh. Jimmy look surprised by the response, leaning back in his seat as he looked at Belle with round eyes. “Believe me, if you really want to try flirting with me, I can promise you that I’ve pretty much heard everything in the book.”

“Now I see why Mel liked ya so quickly,” Jimmy let out a short laugh. “That normally works on all the ladies who walk in here. Could a couple drinks even loosen you up?”

“If you pay for a dozen and a half Snakebite shots, I might let you call me pretty,” Belle said and Jimmy clapped his hands with amusement. The table laughed at the sudden comfortable and relaxed composure the two Logans offered her, and she knew she was going to get along with Jimmy just fine.

“Lemme get Clyde to start ya off, Belle,” Jimmy offered with a cheeky grin before letting out a piercing whistle, a couple patrons shouting at him to knock it off, and the bartender looked up to see him being waved over. “Clyde’s the one who has the talent of makin’ drinks. If you don’t like anythin’ he makes, you better get out of town now.”

Mellie rolled her eyes and patted Belle’s hands. “Clyde’s the younger brother. He’s actually the owner of the place,” she explained with a smile and Belle became genuinely interested.

“He does? And he works here, too?”

“Best bartender around!” Jimmy exclaimed loudly at the approaching figure, throwing his hands up.

Turning to see the tall man approach, Belle smiled politely in greeting as she admired his pressed button up and carefully combed dark hair. He had freckles in comparison to both of his siblings and he came off instantly as someone who was shy to her, yet nowhere near rude or bitter in her eyes. He was much different than either Mellie or Jimmy, who both were loud and easily excitable, but there was something really special about him when he noticed her presence and he seem to freeze for a second when they made eye contact.

Smiling, Belle reached her hand out to him. “Hi there, my name is Belle. Mellie has told me a lot about you and Jimmy, it’s so nice to finally meet you!”

She saw how his cheeks changed a bit under the dim light of happy-hour and she remained patient as he slowly raised his own hand up and reached out carefully hold on to her much smaller hand. His hand was very warm and comforting to her when he gave her a very small, shy and gently smile.

“It’s pleasure to meet ya, too, Belle.”

The way he said her name echoed over and over, up until it started to overwhelm her thoughts as she stared at the greenery ahead of her. Greenery was also to her left as well as to her right; also behind her and spanning for a good mile or so as she sat on the rustic wooden bench in the middle of the pathway. The heavy rain wasn’t able to completely soak her, though, since the trees and leaves provided a thick cover over her and only allowing her to feel a few drops or so. Her sweater was thoroughly damp and her feet inside her shoes made silly noises, not to mention her hair was starting to frizz from the humidity, but she didn’t mind. As long as she wasn’t drenched.

Belle sighed, unable to believe herself getting so deep on the walking trail by the restaurant Clyde would take her to on their anniversary, and all on foot. Sure, she didn’t like driving as much and probably could have stayed within the neighborhood with the knowledge of the rain heading her way, but she just felt so lost in thought that she just found herself in one of her favorite places to come and relax...

Still, the very memory of Clyde’s angry expression at her when he yelled made her feel like she needed to give him this distance.

Belle knew he didn’t mean to yell at her on purpose, no! She knew him better than that and understood that he was feeling overwhelmed to the point that the kettle was about to burst sooner or later. Whatever he was hiding from her must have caused him a lot of stress for who knows how long, and Belle wanted nothing more than to take it all away from him and let him feel better and relax. She shouldn’t have pushed him, but she was scared for him nonetheless - she just hope he knew that.

Recalling the memories that basically drove her to Boone County, Belle realized that she didn’t regret a single thing she did. She didn’t regret closing off from her old life and meeting Clyde. Hell, he made her life a thousand times better just by saying her name or even smiling at her. He was the light she needed in her life and only wants to take away any pain he felt from this secretive cauliflower plan he was in.

Hearing the distant rumble, Belle snapped out of her thoughts once more as she realized how severe the weather was going to be. Having forgot her own damn cell, Belle sighed and pinched between her eyes and tried to think of a plan.

She left Clyde at home alone, and a storm was coming. She didn’t know if he would have taken his medication to ease the experience of the thunder and lightning without her there, but she didn’t want him to think that he was abandoned. Oh, no, she would never do such a thing to him.

Remembering how he said her name, Belle told herself she was going to wait for another few moments for the rain to lighten up a bit before heading back to the restaurant. She will borrow their phone to call Clyde to let him know where she was and then call Jimmy or Mellie to ask for a ride so that he wouldn’t have to risk himself behind the wheel.

“Belle...”

Her eyes closed, Belle told herself that she was going to let him know that he didn’t need to tell her anything if he didn’t want to. He doesn’t need to tell her anything, so long as he can trust her.

“Belle.”

Taking a few deep breaths, Belle was going to make sure Clyde was in bed as soon as she got home. She would wrap him in all their blankets and hold him close throughout the rain, giving him kisses and whispers of her love for him until the meds took him to a peaceful sleep...

“Belle!”

Her eyes snapping open, Belle’s head twisted at the voice shouting her name in a desperate cry through the rain. 

“Clyde?!”

Fun fact: This chapter is actually three pages longer than my limited 10, because the last two chapters were short.

taglist: @ayatimascd @oh-adam @formerly-anonhamster @deliriumdoll @a-whole-damn-sackler @bourbonboredom

Remember, if you would like to be tagged for future chapters, please don’t hesitate to message me! I’d be more than happy to add you. Thank you for reading and I hope to hear from you!

[pamphletstoinspire]

Angry with God

My older sister Patricia died of spina bifida before I was born. My younger sister Linda died of spina bifida when I was 3. Given that I was raised in a traditional, stoic, Irish-Catholic family, my sisters and their deaths were never talked about. In fact, I didn’t even know they existed until I was 5 and found their names in our family Bible. “Who are these people?” I asked my mother.

“They are your sisters”—that was all she said.

As I grew, I thought about them a lot. Eventually, I began to ask my mother why God did this to our family. She said simply that some crosses were heavier to carry than others. Somehow that answer and the related resignation didn’t work for me. And so I began to become angry. Specifically, I began to become angry with God.

For most of my youth, I felt this anger was wrong, sinful. Yet it didn’t go away. I encountered more and more suffering that did not make sense. A friend lost both his parents by the eighth grade. A very good priest dropped dead of a heart attack. The brother of a friend died in Vietnam.

As I began my work as a psychologist, I would touch on spiritual matters with my clients. I found that I was not alone in my anger. Worse, I met people whose explanations for tragedy were heartbreaking.

One woman, for example, believed that her prayers for a dying daughter did not work because her prayers were “not worthy of God’s attention.” Even my own father, as he dealt with a series of strokes, told me they were “punishment for my sins.” As I heard such struggles, I felt more and more that, because of anger, I was bound to grow away from my faith. Then I read the Book of Job.

Job: Not Merely Silent Suffering

Given that the Catholicism of my youth did not include a great deal of biblical study, I knew very little about Job other than the phrase “the patience of Job.” When I read this marvelous book, I realized among other things that Job was hardly patient. In fact, like me, he was angry!

The story of Job begins with a bet. Satan is arguing with God, saying that faith is easy when everything is going well in one’s life, but that people tend to lose that faith when times are tough. He then brings up Job, pointing out that Job has great faith but is also very comfortable and successful. But suppose, suggests Satan, that Job falls on hard times: Will he then be so faithful? God gives Satan permission to take away everything of Job’s but not to harm him. Satan does this, but Job holds on to his faith. So Satan ups the ante by asking God to let him harm Job directly.

And so Job ends up homeless, penniless, and afflicted with horrible skin diseases. He begins to seek an explanation from God. In fact, Job demands an explanation!

Job’s friends show up and offer standard explanations for his troubles. “You must have sinned,” suggests one. “You haven’t prayed hard enough,” says another. And yet Job continues his outcry, ultimately demanding that God show up and explain himself.

And God shows up! Granted, God tends to put Job in his place and never really answers Job’s “Why?” question. But the important points are that God shows up and that he never punishes Job for his outcry.

But Why, Lord?

I think the Book of Job is there to encourage us to embrace our outcries, not suppress them; and to struggle with the “Why?” question, not dismiss it. And so, somewhat timidly, I began to allow myself that anger.

It soon became clear to me that I needed to explore my anger at several levels. The most immediate level was the “Why?” question that was a large part of my youth. As I began to read, I found out that the “Why?” question has in fact given rise to a specific area of theological study called theodicy. Specifically, theodicy examines the issue of how an all-good, all-loving God can permit evil.

As I explored my anger, I came across the book May I Hate God? by Pierre Wolff. Despite its provocative title, this is a very gentle-spirited book that reminds us that God is a loving parent; and that loving parents, upon learning that their child is angry with them, want to hear about the anger—not necessarily condone it, but hear about it. This opened up to me the awareness that, when I am angry with God, my tendency is to express that anger in the same way I do at a human level. I shut down and use the “silent treatment.”

Novelist Joseph Heller put it another way in his novel God Knows. King David is reflecting on whether he is angry with God and concludes, “I’m not angry with God. We’re just not speaking to one another.” So it was with me and the God of my understanding.

In any case, Wolff’s book helped me to accept my anger. But I still struggled with the “Why?” question. Other thinkers offered helpful insights. Viktor Frankl did not answer this question, but he observed that, while we don’t always have a choice over what happens to us, we always have a choice regarding how we face it. Similarly, Rabbi Harold Kushner, in his well-regarded When Bad Things Happen to Good People, offered what for me was a novel idea—that perhaps God wasn’t responsible for some of the bad things that happened to us.

At first, Kushner’s notion was comforting. Maybe God wasn’t behind my sisters’ illnesses or children with cancer or senseless random shootings. Maybe those things just happened. Somehow that thought made me fear God less. Yet the thought that perhaps God wasn’t behind all bad things that happened created another question articulated by Annie Dillard, who wrote in For the Time Being, “If God does not cause everything that happens, does God cause anything that happens? Is God completely out of the loop?”

My anger at God brought me to wrestle with some important issues. It challenged me to reexamine my image of God. Did I see God as punitive, misreading the Old Testament? Did I see him as loving, as in many New Testament stories? Did I see him as uninvolved, caring for the big picture and leaving the details to us, as the Oh, God! films suggest?

My anger also brought me face-to-face with my struggles about prayer. Does God answer prayers? Clearly not all prayers. It’s been said that there are many unanswered prayers at deathbeds. If God doesn’t answer all prayers, to follow Dillard, does he answer any prayers?

These struggles have been productive, prodding me toward a more mature understanding of God, as well as a more clear appreciation for prayer. But I still come face-to-face with my anger.

A Personal Encounter with God

Over the past few years, I have read the entire Bible three times. It has been a truly enlightening experience. I saw clearly that Job wasn’t the only one to argue with God. Abraham did it; Moses did it; even Jesus did it! I was in good company.

I saw, too, that David’s Psalms were at times outcries. Within the poetry, one can hear the oppressed poet yelling out to God, “Do something!”

I’ve learned from my many clients who sit and try to understand tragedies in their lives. In asking these great teachers, “Are you angry with God?” I’ve heard many instructive answers. One woman wrestling with a lifethreatening illness said, “Of course I’m angry with God! But he’s God. He can take it!” Another very spiritual young woman observed, “No, I’m not angry. But I sure would like to have a peek at his operations manual.”

Harold Kushner recently published a piece on the Book of Job titled The Book of Job: When Bad Things Happened to a Good Person. It is a literate and scholarly book that offered me a new note of comfort. Kushner suggests that Job is comforted and consoled not so much by God’s explanation but by the encounter itself. Job deeply experienced God’s presence and took comfort in that meaningful experience. I found a note of personal truth in this thought. I realized that, yes, I’ve had meaningful encounters with God in nature or in the world of great art or in the sound of my grandchildren’s laughter.

But I realized that I have also encountered God in my anger in a way that has been profound. As I voice that anger, I feel God in a manner as profound as, albeit different from, my experience of God in nature.

The story of this journey of anger has a more recent turn to it, one with which I am still dealing. I recently saw an episode of The West Wing, a program from the early 2000s starring Martin Sheen as a fictional president. Prior to this episode, the president had lost a much-loved secretary in a senseless car accident. After the funeral, he stands alone in the National Cathedral and unleashes an anger that shocked me. As an example, his character refers to God as a “vengeful thug.”

I felt I’d long validated the importance of anger in my relationship with God, yet I found myself uncomfortable with the intensity of President Bartlett’s anger. But, upon reflection, I understood it. My anger is more than annoyance or disappointment—at times it is rage. Yet, out of fear, I withhold that rage and instead, like David in Heller’s novel, stop talking to my God or at least temper my feelings. Yet, when I allow myself to approach that rage, I find God waiting for me.

And so I come face-to-face with the God of my understanding. Is that God a vengeful parent who will not tolerate my anger and will punish me for speaking up? Such was the God of my youth. Or is the God of my understanding a loving God willing to wrestle with me, willing to accept my vented rage in the name of open, ongoing dialogue and genuine encounter? And do I have the courage to fully embrace this understanding of God and remain in dialogue in the midst of my rage?

The great Jewish scholar Abraham Joshua Heschel once wrote, “God stands in a passionate relationship with Man.” Anyone who has lived in a longterm, passionate relationship learns that passion is a package deal. You can’t have the joy and ecstasy unless you also accept and embrace the anger and alienation. I’ve dealt with several couples who say they don’t fight. But they are in my office because their relationship is stagnant. Without the struggle, there is no passionate intimacy.

The Path of Relationship

I realize at this point that, for me to have a joyful, peaceful, vibrant relationship with the God of my understanding, I must also embrace the rage. Not just annoyance, but rage!

And so, as I struggle, I return to reflect on my mother’s faith in the face of tragedy. I see that her faith was not some passive, shoulder-shrugging, “Oh well, it could be worse” type of faith. Throughout her life, she believed not only in the power of prayer but also in the persistence of that prayer. Like the woman in the parable seeking justice, she would not quietly plead or go away. Rather, she would “storm heaven with prayers.” Nor did she let tragic loss engender cynicism: on her deathbed and with absolute certainty and joyful anticipation, she said, “I’m going to see my girls.”

And yet I know my path is one of wrestling and arguing. It occurs to me that perhaps within the mystical body of Christ, we both play a part. People like my mother indeed inspire me to not lose hope and to continue to believe that understanding God’s mysterious way is possible.

But perhaps people like me—the questioners, the wrestlers—help others not to lapse into passive, depressed resignation. Perhaps in encouraging others to “fight back,” we help them experience real encounters with God. Perhaps we wrestlers help others to hope that our pain and anguish do matter. And perhaps together we can link arms and sing those words of Job offered not as an answer but in hopeful expectation: “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord!”

Richard B. Patterson, Phd, is a clinical psychologist and freelance writer from El Paso, Texas.

[twlvrp]

FULL PLOT

This is a roleplay group inspired by the show Killing Eve, however structured so that if you haven’t seen the show, you can still join! This is not a canon group so if you wish to apply as a character on the show, you may but I would ask you add your own spin on them.

[ 2013 - PRESENT ]

In 2013, evidence of a crime organisation was submitted to Australian authorities. Similarities that had been noted in Tennessee and London investigations years prior began to crop up. Identical crimes had taken place in all three areas. The links were subtle and had gone unnoticed for years. The investigations went by for months before the group named ‘The Twelve’ started to claim these crimes; usually either flamboyant or discreet murders of influential political figures. Organised assassinations, robberies, kidnappings and blackmail are few of their discovered favourites. However, after Australia’s investigation went south; rumours of the organisation became public gossip and The Twelve disappeared without a trace.

Five years later and the slightest signs of The Twelve’s work are beginning showing to authorities around the globe. Their aim is still just as unclear as before, except this time they’re not being exposed. Their web has been sewn thicker than before. And their work and employment have likewise. New workers dotted around the world ready to do The Twelve’s bidding. They could be anyone. Your neighbour could be an assassin or that sweet old guy who gets your train could be a blackmailing genius. Or how about that charming woman in the coffee shop, always on her laptop. Could she be researching into all the mysteries going on?

Over the last five years, the investigation on The Twelve became even more confusing. Lines began to blur and distrust began to grow on all sides. MI6 wasn’t entirely sure if they could trust their colleagues and vice versa as The Twelve’s treatment to their ‘employers’ was worsening. As time went on things didn’t improve; before giving up on the hunt, all past research and paperwork were looked over. Many things didn’t add up and questions came pouring in every direction.

Around a year after no sign of The Twelve all governmental research was retired. Most people forgot about the whole ordeal after this. Still, a lot didn’t. Thousands of independent researchers began gathering as much information — old and new — that they could use to figure out anything more. However, this uprising of independent researchers had been going on for years before and was the catalyst to all the distrust rising between everyone. Some researchers choose to publicise their findings but the large majority keep it to themselves and give the occasional anonymous tip to the police.

As signs of The Twelve’s revival begin to show, goverments and civilains are both concerened. Many people want this organisation finished with. Some want to find these independent assassins. The longer their out there, the more chance they may end up working for The Twelve; then they’ll be completely untraceable. The same goes for the researchers, former agents, current ones, even common folk. Anyone could end up in the wings of The Twelve.

I guess the question now is, are you one of them?

OUT OF CHARACTER RULES

HAVE FUN

This is the most important rule of all so it has to be first on our list. The entire purpose of roleplaying is to have fun, so if for any reason at all you aren’t having fun, please contact the main and/or one of the admins and we’ll do everything in our power to make sure the problem is fixed.

TRIGGERING TOPICS WILL BE EXPLORED

This group is strictly 18+ due to the nature of the roleplay. If you choose to join us there will be triggering storylines such as; murder, drugs, abuse (of all kinds), violence and more, so please consider this before applying. A trigger warning list is here and players can send what they’d wish to be tagged.

NO GODMODDING

You are in charge of your own characters. Nobody likes logging in to see that their character has been involved in any plots without their permission. Anybody caught godmodding will be given a warning and if done again will be removed from the RP. Writing about NPC’s is allowed.

NO OOC DRAMA

OOC drama is never permitted. If you cause drama, you will be given a warning and if the problem continues you will be asked to leave.

LEAVING NOTICES

If you leave the RP for any reason, we ask that you please contact the main and let me know. We’ll be sad to see you go, but we’ll completely understand. The most frustrating thing is realising somebody has deactivated their character without letting us know beforehand, or worse being confused when they’ve changed their entire blog for another character.

OTHER

We ask that you please send any hiatus requests, RP questions, or complaints to the main so that everything can be seen and answered before any problems surfaces, if we haven’t replied in two days message the admin’s character blogs.

Don’t forget… OOC BEFORE IC!

IN CHARACTER RULES

ACTIVITY

A roleplay can only stay open as long as everyone involved is active and interacting with everyone. After FOUR days of inactivity, I’ll post a warning for character removal. Failure to contact the main and/or start interacting more within 48hrs will result in your character being reopened/removed. Please note that posting a starter, leaving for three days, and then logging back in right before an activity check does NOT count as activity and your character will be reopened if this happens.

If you need a semi-hiatus/full hiatus, please fill out the following form and send it through the ask. With semi-hiatus’ the main will also message you to discuss what amount of activity will be personally best for you.

You can be on activity check for FOUR times. After being there for FOUR times, you will be deleted from the group.

HIATUS

You can ask for hiatus as many times as you need. But please, remember that I won’t give full hiatus for more than ONE month. If you need to be away for longer than that, please, think about it, and maybe would be better to leave and come back once you have more time. OOC before IC!

Whoever ends their hiatus will be added to the Activity Check post as a note to remember their hiatus is over. Won’t be added to the activity check warning-wise, but will be there, just a reminder that it’s time to come back or ask for another hiatus!

POST STRUCTURE

Please cut down your posts to the previous post and your reply. If for some reason, you find yourself without a computer for an extended period of time and will be using mobile, please contact the main before and let the main and your partners know.

NO BUBBLING

We want you replying to everyone in the RP, not just your ship partners or friends in the RP. If we feel as if someone is continuously plotting with the same people over and over or only talking to a certain set of characters, we will send them a warning and failure to fix the situation will result in removal from the RP.

STARTERS

The starter tag is for starters only, please do not tag anything else in it (including self-paras, Instagram posts, etc). I also ask that you not post your own starter until replying to at least TWO others beforehand., unless it’s your very first one of course.

SECONDARIES

Each roleplayer may have TWO characters, and may apply for their second character after proving they can be consistently active for THREE weeks. If you drop a character to pick up another character, we ask that you wait at least a week before applying for a new character.

ANONS

If you receive anonymous hate, we ask that you ignore it and then block the person sending them. Posting them on your blog or making posts about receiving it, will not be tolerated. A response is usually what they want from you, and by posting them you’re giving them what they want. We ask that you screenshot the hate being sent to you so that you have proof about what’s being said in the event that you feel it’s gotten to the point where you need to bring it to our attention.

[hypnokinkwithmrdream]

NEEHU2:Notes on Consent/Negotiation

Posted to Fetlife 5/6/2011

I have been guilty in the past of trancing without the fullest negotiation. Usually it comes about because I recognize someone is already in a trance when I am talking about things I do, however I have been making an effort to actually reduce the amount of NLP based patterns in my conversation when I am not intending to hypnotize people.

Because I also teach trance, and present demonstrations, I often am trancing people in a group. This obviously is part of teaching hypnotism in that it is easy for an observer who is really focused on me and what I am doing to someone in a demonstration, to respond. Hypnosis shows rely on it.

Some of what I do also comes down to waking hypnosis and waking suggestion, things where I am communicating to the subconscious in a way that I feel will give me a better chance at connecting and achieving my goals or group goals.

There are also people I have tranced who I can trance quite easily, quickly and from a long way away. I also have been told that there are at least a few people who automatically trance when I am speaking in our Hypnoclub.

Therefore, I recognize the challenges of ensuring consent and negotiation are held before hypnosis and any other form of mind control play are conducted. Ironically one of my first instructions on hypnotizing people was to never use the word hypnosis or trance. That using those words created an element of fear. That since everyone tends to want to relax, focusing on comfort, relaxation, focus, clarity and such would be a better way to go. Only once the subject is down to around where Elman's definition of Somnabalism is (relaxed body, relaxed mind, selective thinking, ability to have amnesia/anaesthesia etc... ) should I anchor to the term trance or hypnotic trance, to let them know that this very comfortable and safe state is what we are looking for. Elman in fact was influential in how doctors and nurses communicated to patients outside of merely hypnosis, and he would have frowned on asking permission to hypnotize within the context of a doctor or dentist preparing a child or adult for a procedure. Erickson had no real ethical concerns on when he used hypnosis, and I believe much of what we consider foundations in hypnosis were done with a limited level of negotiation.

However, in BDSM we are expected to negotiate almost all physical contact. We negotiate any play, create a scene and then conduct ourselves accordingly with an understanding of safe words and every other capability to bring a safe scene that is also enjoyable. Obviously regular play partners who have worked out details can establish their own protocol of how to do this, but for strangers or people we are not used to playing with, we err on the side of caution.

There are a few things to remember:

Ask for consent to trance

Ask for consent to touch

Ask if there is anything you should know

Don't perform age regression (unless its specifically what your goals are in the trance)

Have an overall goal you can agree to.

Consider a time limit

Now this stuff is just basic. There are lots of rules. Negotiation could be intensely detailed. It could be "Wanna trance? Yeah! What do you want to do? Whatever turns you on! Where do you want to do it? Anywhere you take me!"

For me, I tend to avoid anything tricky in a trance including triggers. I tend to focus on what I call increased capacity, freeing up the channels and signals so that a person can experience their own self in a positive way more fully, and hopefully gain some additional resources. I also like to ensure that a person can trance more deeply and more easily, so I will encourage that. Last but not least I tend to reinforce the subconscious's responsibility and responsiveness to trance, with the understanding that the subconscious is capable of recognizing the boundaries and limits and rejecting them or bringing the subject out of trance without accepting any suggestions that do not fit their need.

Given that, unless i have prior permission, most of what I do is focused on working with the subject to accomplish those things. The more playful stuff happens with people I have talked to more. Since I tend to be very overt about what I am doing, I have yet to be told that I broke faith, but I always worry that I could have secondary unintended consequences, so I tend to do ecology checks during and after. I like to hear from people I have tranced. I like knowing what they liked and what missed. Often it helps me calibrate my own alertness ("I really wasn't under until you started talking about X"... Ah I noticed the change in posture at that stage. Thats a good cue...)

Now in a party, versus a structured workshop learning environment, there is a sort of aspect which I think makes things a bit awkward.

1. People stay in trance a long while in a play party. They are often fractionating or drifting. They don't come out as long as they are getting the right stimulation, and to some extent because they have given trust to the hypnotist that put them under, they are allowing themselves to operate with less critical faculty and inhibition. Because the hypnotist is expected to take care of them, they feel that anything that happens is inside that envelope. This may vary between subjects. Hypnotists are loath to remove a subject from a light trance since they are playing. However the scene has unclear boundaries in a physical sense.

2. People don't know someone is playing. The scene is going on the hypnotist lets the subject act out something, and people engage with the subject because part of the trance is that the person may respond to people in a different way. Then another hypnotist sees this friendly, perhaps hypersexual, perhaps obedient, person and waves a shiny or begins to engage. The hypnotist can't properly negotiate with this subject. The subject is already in trance. The subject may have some limitation on their conscious awareness and may in fact subconsciously be okay with what is happening.

3. Conscious and Unconcious are not always aligned. We tend to think that if someone says X then we can accept that as their feelings on something. Most hypnotists have had subjects who, when they relax and are free of fear and are trusting begin to ask for things that they had specifically put up as boundaries. It is easy for a hypnotist to rationalize "Well their subconscious is the boss..." But this is the same as making out with a drunk girl. Yes when she is drunk she wants to do that. Afterwards she is going to be upset.

4. Aftercare means making sure the subject is really back from their trip. It doesn't mean being comfortable, it doesn't mean letting them cool down. It means that you are absolutely sure that the person is NOT showing any signs of trance. This doesn't mean that they are untrancible, but triggers should not trigger. I saw at least one example of a subject who kept dropping when another hypnotist was talking about a trance where the same subject had been part of. It was a sign that no limitation on the trigger was placed there. That's poor work. There are some triggers that are meant to last, and should STILL be limited to when they hit. Because a tranced person can be as capable or more capable, you should insist on the subject getting out of trance honestly. I am not sure what tests there are for non-trance but it seems like anything I can think of could still happen in a trance, so you need to follow your instinct. Best effort. Explain to the subject that they should try to get to their clearest place they can given their physical and mental overall state, and that doing so will make it better for them to retain the good experience going forward (i.e. if you end the trance on a great positive note, why let the trance linger so that they can end up autosuggesting themselves into some uncontrolled state)

5. Anyone who does an unnegotiated pattern interrupt on someone they have no prior consent or relationship with is being abusive. That's all. Erickson may have gotten away with it, but in the BDSM scene, if you want to do something, even just to show off a new trick, say "Hey want to see a cool little trick. I will just take you down and bring you out. How about it?"

Don't walk up to someone you barely know and do a hand shake or fixation.

I am not 100% sure that I follow all these suggestions fully. I think there are times when I miss. I work on it but of course we all can be distracted by things and lose track of what we need to do. The important part is to recognize mistakes and move forward, rather than let those mistakes hold us back.

D