#newsflash @me: maybe its not normal to chant about how much I hate writing

[lovebunnie]

oh golly gosh i didnt really expect anyone to respond to this so i guess ill explain whats goin on also im just gonna vomit type and ignore the read more because 1. im on mobile and 2. this is my blog ive been writing for more than half my life, believe it or not fan fiction all the way back when i was a lot younger. i used to write invader zim fan fiction and it was my real first fandom that made me look into everything it had to offer its impossible for me to think that i havent improved atleast a little bit since then, but i feel as though in the 3 years times ive truly dedicated myself to writing i havent really improved too much. all my destiel pieces look like my overwatch pieces and it sucks to see yourself stuck in one place for so long. thats really the meat of the problem: i know what it takes to make a good story but i cannot execute it. its clear as day in my head but i absolutely detest my own writing to the point that i want to delete it all and erase any evidence that i wrote. most recently, my fic has gotten the most reads of anything ive ever made and has eaten up the most time, since i started scripting it out in late September. back when i updated weekly, i did it to keep the most people engaged and get as many reads as possible. now i cant even look at the chapters because they seem so shoddy and poorly executed. its a bad fic and now the pressure to keep people happy is on me like never before and its exhausting. i want to give out good content but everything I write i hate and im absolutely sick of it. ive been told people like my reading and i million other people could tell me that but i hate it so much and it makes me sad and angry to do it so i figured why do i keep doing it? i have so many ideas to express and no way to do it. i cant draw, i cant write, i dont have enough followers for people to give a shit about what i have to say, no one irl likes what i like. it makes me wanna scream im just so stuck and have been for the past three years. writing is destroying me and i dont want to do it anymore. ill update my fic because i promised and only because i promised but after that i dont know what ill do.