#nishiposting

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What is wrong with them.

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Hello Pocket Mirror tumblr...

I humbly present: the Glorb protection squad.

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So we all know Nemu, right. I'm not sure if anyone's posted this yet so I guess I should do it myself- they gave her practically an entirely new batch of expressions for Exedra and as much as they line up with my essays I am Concerned. Where are we going to see these, f4... I'll put them after a readmore in case someone doesn't wanna see them yet!

So here is her default, which is what we would expect from Nemu:

And here are the. New ones.

Nemu?? Nemu are you okay. NEMU WHY IS YOUR EXPRESSION FOR PHYSICAL PAIN A SMILE. NEMU DON'T MAKE ME WRITE THE MASOCHISM ESSAY-

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Alina Gray Makes A Lot Of Sense

This is a quick one. Alina isn’t one of my focus characters but I do quite like her, and she is in the TouNemu orbit, so I feel like I should bring this to the table, since I still see a lot of people, even ones that call themselves her fans, who don’t really give Alina much thought beyond “she’s crazy” (which… guys I don’t think that’s a good mindset). Plus this perspective is rare to see. I will preface it by saying that I’m drawing from both psychology and personal experiences (my own and others’) for this. My thesis for this: among whatever other things that I’m sure she has, Alina comes off as having Antisocial Personality Disorder to me. Let me explain why.

Let’s start with this example. Both Alina and Ren attempted suicide (in the same way) and both attempts were thwarted by making a wish to Kyubey right before or during the fall. Ren’s every character motivation is tied back to what led her to that ledge and what impact it made on her life in that moment. Alina was completely unfazed by the experience, and only changed as a character because of 1. Karin's intervention after the fact, and 2. the discovery of witches, which she found beautiful and changed her motivation. Plus she almost seemed disappointed by the state of “death” and it’s not something she ever thinks about. That dismissiveness, her general uncaring attitude towards others and herself. Wouldn’t you know, that’s a symptom of ASPD. Not to mention the lack of empathy or guilt, at least most of the time.

Another important point is that Alina isn’t really malicious. She doesn’t think about her actions the way most people do. She’s said herself on multiple occasions that she simply does things, she simply creates things. That’s also a very ASPD mindset. Impulsiveness is another symptom of it, which lines up with Alina’s whims and urges driving her to do things, and the lack of traditional thought put into one’s actions is an ASPD experience I can attest to. Only someone actively in recovery or scheming would consciously put effort into thinking about their actions. The way it works in daily life, however, is extremely reminiscent of the way Alina acts. The only difference is that most people with ASPD tend to mask a bit more than Alina does.

The way she acts is uncomfortably familiar. It feels like looking into a mirror of what could have been, back when I was younger, less self-aware, and I’m sure most others with this disorder would agree. If Alina were older and started manifesting some of her more criminally-aligned urges, I doubt anyone would argue with me that she’d have police called on her. Her status as a genius in a way “protects” her from being viewed as dangerous. Geniuses are allowed to and expected to be eccentric, after all. Back to the impulsivity, certain symptom combinations like the ones Alina blatantly displays are so dangerous because the likelihood of ending up with an extensive criminal record is high to say the absolute least. Which combination? Ah well, one easy example is impulsivity and anhedonia. I’m sure everyone who has paid the slightest bit of attention to Alina is aware of how… easily bored, she seems. That’s not just her being easily bored, that’s another symptom, and it combined with the impulsivity is responsible for the aforementioned criminal record.

On a related note, and trust me I will come back to the topic of anhedonia in Alina, people often clock her as bipolar. She seems manic, very rarely depressed or introspective. That might be right, for all we know, but here are my two cents. The “numb” way she acts when she’s calm, down to her expressions, is textbook low masking ASPD behavior. Generally carefree, doesn’t assign much value to most things the average person would. Annoyed semi-often. In fact, Alina’s main emotion, the one we see the most, is anger. Which happens to be the primary emotion in people with ASPD, since it’s the least reduced one (I theorize this is because of what normally causes the disorder and the purpose of anger as an emotion). It even tends to be described as “explosive” which very much applies to Alina, Alina is either annoyed or explosively angry. Immensely ASPD of her, honestly. However, when she does become introspective, she becomes suicidal quickly, and while being told “your art holds ZERO purpose” is something to be upset by, it’s not “well time to end it all” levels of bad. That is reminiscent of practically every single person with ASPD I’ve ever met, personally, because it’s the one thing that holds Alina’s anhedonia at bay. The one thing that engages her mind, almost absorbing it. Her attitude towards it is extremely telling. She doesn’t care about the gravity of suicide, isn’t thinking about it, or dreading/fearing it or even doing the happy-before-attempting thing really, she’s just thinking about her art because she thinks she’s finally “solved” her problem.

Media often portrays things like what Alina does as evil machinations, manipulation and the like, but most of the time, the truth of the matter is that it’s being done with no thoughts head empty except for The One Thing (or the small handful of things) which holds your anhedonia at bay. Grand plans are also more entertaining. The ASPD way is either the most efficient possible path, or the most entertaining/least boring one. If possible, both. Anhedonia, or “boredom” as we often call it (especially before we know it has a name and that it’s not normal boredom), is often described by doctors as an inability to enjoy oneself and is also common in other disorders like depression. Boredom is poison to us, worse than death. There comes a point when you will do anything just to not be bored, you will do anything to yourself, others, or your environment, just for a chance of that feeling of anhedonia at least receding a little. Hence the behaviors like setting things on fire or animal cruelty often seen in teens and children with the disorder, because they’re following a random impulse and have no (or low) empathy to give them second thoughts. Zero guilt filter. It may work, it may not, but it’s something, an idea, and hopefully it’ll at least be distracting enough while you’re doing it. Anhedonia boredom begins with frustration. Irritability. Restlessness. Must Do Something Now Before It Gets Worse. None of the internal process shows on the face or body language. Sound familiar?

This is why Alina goes between some sort of ecstasy and then immediately frustration/anger or neutrality sometimes, and vice versa. Additionally, in terms of the anger, I’m unsure if this is related to a lack of object permanence, but as soon as the thing actively causing anger goes away, it fades. If it shows up again then the anger will be back. See also: Alina and Felicia. If something more interesting comes in, that will also divert attention most likely, unless you've gotten to the point of fury. The actual strong emotion is more like a spike. So for example, Alina might be really angry at the start of a battle, but unless something is continuously angering her and especially if she’s enjoying the battle (aka entertained), she’ll seemingly not be angry anymore. We see that happen several times.

Lastly, all of Alina’s behavior is just extremely easy to explain with ASPD (and comorbidities), but I should note that like all of the Cluster B disorders, people with ASPD can have a sort of exceptional connection. This one person that they like, that they think about. It can be quite dangerous, because most of the time it can become obsessive and they can easily become possessive over that person. The connection is not necessarily romantic, but the person with ASPD might mistake it as such if they’re on the side of the spectrum that cannot really feel most emotions. Alina’s behavior towards Mifuyu aligns with this a little (these connections can and do fade sometimes), and so does her behavior towards Karin, especially in Arc 2. Exhibit A: Alina will knock Karin out to keep her “safe” and carry her off.

This has been my opinion piece of armchair psychology on Alina Gray. And now back to my regularly scheduled TouNemu…

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Arc 2 Chapter 8 TouNemu subplot.

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So I realized that maybe the wider fandom should see at least some of the TouNemu memes I've made over time, starting with kitten scrunch face. You will get more on my next break from writing.

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If you know you know.

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Hey chat, why the fuck is Exedra's MGS Episode 0 background the same exact one we're shown as the Magia Record in Puella Historia. Screenshots under readmore in case I must protect anyone from Magia Record Arc 2 (+Puella Historia) spoilers

If this and the whole AQ=Alina shit turns out to be true I am going to strangle f4 in person. Are we cooked, did TouNemu and/or Alina break the universe again

Addendum: Exedra and the Lighthouse are all centered around memories of magical girls, which is what TouNemu were supposed to be archiving...

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Chapter 1

In which Touka and Nemu spend an entire chapter arguing over the validity and existence of soulmates and how geese are not magical.

(tumblr isn't letting me do the fancy link so you gotta click on the "chapter 1" for it, I'll edit this later)

Also this fic is three chapters long, I am Not brainstorming titles for each chapter. Summary below.

Summary: Branta canadensis are large wild geese with a native range spanning North America. Known for their adaptability and strong pair bonds, they are typically migratory, establishing breeding and wintering grounds within their native continent. Now, Touka Satomi's understanding of avian biogeography is not exactly on par with an expert, but she is certain the birds are not native to Japanese hospitals. And no, Nemu, the goose is not some cryptid from online forums and the ravings of pseudo-scientists. It is a scientific fact that there's no such thing as a soulmate goose. Right?

Project partner: @feenixmork

Tag for all my posts related to this: #minibang25

@magireco-minibang

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"The TouNemu Gender Bible"

Hello yes it's me I'm back again. Let me begin by stating that no, this is not an essay debating what Touka or Nemu identify as. However, it’s undeniable that gender is a complex topic that affects everything about a person’s life in our society, so I’ll be analyzing the psychological and sociological aspects of Touka and Nemu’s relationship with their genders and how it relates to each other. I’ve been codenaming this my “yinyang” essay so I might as well start there.

I doubt I need to argue my point when I say that Touka is the Yang and Nemu is the Yin. But as I’m sure everyone knows and can visually see, each of the two sides has a little of the other deep within. Why this is important will become relevant real soon, don’t you worry. Here are the points I will touch on and explain:

Socialization

Parental Influence

Gendered Expectations

Behavior

Clothing

Goals

Gender Expression

Repression & Safe Space

Emotional Impact

Femme/Butch Dichotomy

Probably missing something, but that’s a nice overview of topics. So, let us begin! I will usually tackle Touka first, then Nemu, for no reason in particular other than Touka being simpler to break down. You will see why in a moment.

One could easily argue that the way Touka experiences her gender is closer to the way boys do, vice versa for Nemu. Boys, generally, are encouraged to be masculine, and so-called “masculine traits” such as confidence/assertiveness, leadership and the like are universally ones to strive for, socially speaking. Those are the traits Touka shows and the traits her father encourages in her. Touka is bossy, downright arrogant, doesn’t show weakness if she can help it (put a pin in this for later), projects a general aura of “I’m in control, I have the power here, I know what I’m doing”, etc. She is never ashamed and she’s sometimes brash and outwardly violent or aggressive, often openly displaying anger. You would be hard-pressed to tell me those are not all traditionally “masculine” traits.

Compare that to Nemu, who has always had the traditionally “feminine” traits encouraged in herself, like being quiet and subservient. Especially back in the hospital, we can see that she’s far more anxious/shy/unconfident in certain aspects, she is quite literally a mother and a caretaker to both her Uwasa and the Feathers respectively (given that she’s the Magius that seems to care about them the most, sadism aside). Nurturing. We will get back to why each of them is the way they are in a moment, but let’s take a clothing detour here.

When it comes to clothing, this difference is in full display for them. “Nahi, Touka loves cute clothes, she’s the girliest girl to ever girl” because she chooses to. Look at how she feels about it. We see the contrast most starkly in Nemu’s swimsuit costume story, but Touka is confident in what she wears and what she likes as well as what she wants, at least 99% of the time. Nemu? Nemu is the complete opposite and gets easily embarrassed because she explicitly says she doesn’t see herself as very ladylike, unlike Touka, and she says this with some sort of shame. She’s also one of very few magical girls who gets to wear pants when transformed (Christmas unit). Which just leads me to believe that she is immensely more comfortable in masculine clothing, possibly related to some type of body dysmorphia, disconnect or dissociation. There is some kind of discomfort there and we don’t have to dig too much to find why.

So. Touka normally acts in a way we can easily describe as ladylike, refined/elegant, particularly in the Magius era. And yet, she has zero repression issues (there is an asterisk here somewhere). Generally speaking, she is bold, brazen, unapologetic. This makes sense for her already logical and scientific mindset. And the reason she’s like this is obvious. Her father socialized her the same exact way he would’ve if she were a boy. I cannot stress this enough: Touka was not raised the way girls are usually raised. She doesn’t have that shame. She doesn’t have to unlearn all of the awful things most parents+society make girls internalize from a young age. That’s why her femininity feels so natural and interests me so much. Touka learned that and leaned into it on her own, because she likes it and feels happy/comfortable doing it, and had no one to tell her How To Be A Girl. She has never once been told “girls can’t do that” and hasn’t had a “that’s unladylike” filter installed in her brain against her will, none of that has ever been reinforced at home. And although we see plenty of narratives about a girl that’s been raised like a boy, it’s extremely rare to see one where the girl in question doesn’t fit the tomboy archetype. Most people raised female will shirk from things Touka embraces.

I’ve covered before how the general fandom perception of Touka can often (regrettably) boil down to “brat”—that’s not entirely because of ageism. Touka is abrasive. Even if we’re not aware of it, we all have that perception deep down of how a girl is supposed to look and behave (Exhibit A: how so very many people across the gender spectrum automatically view a woman’s body hair as ugly, disgusting, unsanitary, etc., Exhibit B: how a little girl who is loud and makes rash but harmless decisions will be chastised but a boy is simply “being a boy”), and because Touka is so feminine, it’s even more highlighted. So, she is deemed too forward and she is punished for not being a girl Correctly. This perception takes a lot of work to unlearn. In-universe, we don’t see it much, due to the contexts and circles in which Touka tends to move, but I guarantee we would be able to pinpoint instances of it, especially in the contexts that they’re likelier to be voiced. Most often, either because it’s impolite or because it’s barely noticed, this negative reaction to not being a girl Correctly is kept private. Continuing on with my Touka analysis, she presents so feminine yet doesn’t adhere to behaviors deemed “womanly” and when you think about it, the only ones she doesn’t display are the harmful and/or oppressive ones, and this is an active choice on her part.

Back in the autism essay that evocationofsummer so helpfully put together, they explained how autism manifests differently in people who have been raised female vs people who have been raised male. The reasoning is rather logical when you stop to think about it, and that essay made some excellent points that we will dig into here and now.

Let’s imagine Touka and Nemu were never sick for a second. Arguably, that’s what has influenced their behavior the most. Put their home environments right next to each other. Assume Nemu’s parents aren’t as neglectful as they are in canon because their firstborn isn’t sick. The difference would remain, because Touka’s father actively doesn’t treat her like society treats girls, and has never raised her like fathers commonly raise their daughters. That means she has never been expected to act that way, never been corrected or scolded the way girls are for things boys aren’t, and so on and so forth. Thus, logically, she never learned that behavior, never built that instinct. I also feel it’s important to note that Touka’s primary parental figure is her father. Nemu’s, for better or worse, is her mother. And to learn a little more about why this is so important, besides the fact that fathers tend to take a more active role in childrearing when the child is a boy and mothers when the child is a girl, we need to follow a little technique I like to call characterization by context.

When we know one of a character’s parents but barely anything about the other, and we’ve been told or shown in some way that the parents are together and their marriage is stable, there are some things we can assume. Based on our knowledge of the parent we do know, we can logically speculate on traits and behavior for the other parent. That and what little info we get about her is how I formed my idea of Touka’s mom (Nemu’s dad is way harder to pin down but we’ll get to him).

First question, dear readers. What type of person do you think Dr. Satomi would marry and remain married to? Someone loving, smart, kind, understanding, someone with a strong sense of ethics (like his own) and duty. Which doesn’t line up with Toukamom’s ingame behavior but does line up with what others say about her. Nayuta tells us in her quotes that Touka’s mother is a kind person of gentle heart (unlike Touka, she huffily adds). I fully believe that (and that Touka can grow to be a lot like her mother under the right circumstances). But then, we arrive at the key question. If this is the case, where is she? No visits, no phone or video calls or texting. Zero mention of them, even though the Tamaki parents are mentioned to do those things. It can’t be an overseas job, because Touka mentions in her MGS that her mother is at home. And Touka’s father wouldn’t be so permissive of his wife not showing their daughter any love or attention when she’s so sick and could die any day of the week. Unless.

There is an easy way to explain this discrepancy. Consider the following: what if Touka’s condition is hereditary? Maybe her mother didn’t get it but passed it down, or got it but weaker than Touka’s and was able to survive it. The first seems likelier to me. The sheer guilt would be eating her alive, and she probably wouldn’t be able to bring herself to face Touka because of it. I think it's a pretty compelling argument. Touka is smart enough to understand this, that’s why she doesn’t harbor any grudges or bitterness towards her mother while at the same time having a distant relationship with her. Even when she’s thinking of gifts and receiving gifts, she only ever mentions her father, and we know her mother is present.

As for Nemu, believe it or not, we do have some information about her father. Our information about Nemudad is scarce and limited. We know he’s a busy man that loves his work. Practically nothing else is ever said about him, though, so we mostly have Nemumom and Nemubro to go off of—since there’s an extra family member, that’s extra characterization. Based on our context, Nemudad reads as authoritative with his wife to me. Because while she doesn’t give off the vibes of a domestic abuse victim any more than most married cisheterosexual women, she does act distinctly subdued. She’s meeker than you’d think and has similar people pleasing habits as Nemu, she just channels those towards her husband and son instead of her daughter most of the time. Which most likely leads to Nemubro being spoiled to a degree, since he’s likely his dad’s favorite (something something men tend to favor sons over daughters, but also because he’s healthy, unlike his sister). What I’m saying is that Nemumom’s behavior and the kid’s behavior point to a strong Traditional Man type of presence in the house. Not in the big obvious way, rather more in the common way where you almost don’t notice it until something goes sideways. Tsukasa’s father is a good comparison, though likely not the same.

Consequently, this all feels like Nemu’s father would put extra pressure on her as the daughter and eldest (there’s a whole Thing about eldest children in Asian families, particularly relevant for eldest daughters). It falls to her to make up for being a girl, to take care of the house and the male and younger members of the household, and to be perfect, if possible. You can frame this many different ways, but a lot of men in the real world (especially in countries with a more traditional streak) get real butthurt when their firstborn is not a boy. They can often take this out on their firstborn daughter by aligning their demands simultaneously with those they would have for a daughter and those they would have for a son. So the daughter is thus expected to perform femininity (her mother enables this), but she must fulfill a son’s duties in other areas like achievements. Essentially, an eldest daughter in this situation has all the duties of a son and none of the rights or privileges of one. So that’s a fun paradox.

An aside. When I say a parent forces or pressures their child to act a certain way or to do something, a lot of people get pissy because they think I mean the parent is physically forcing the child or yelling at them or whatever. That is not the only shape this can take. Consistent remarks made by a parent have that exact effect and are internalized by the child. Something as small as a parent making a comment on a child’s actions can affect their psyche significantly over time. For example, say a child comes home late and is the last to eat lunch, so they decide to do the dishes on their own, and a parent comes into the room and loudly proclaims “oh look, (child’s name) is doing the dishes! Are you ill?” (as a “joke” usually) or “aww, look at you” or something that in general draws attention to the act and usually makes the child feel humiliated or like they never want to do that again. The parent is (hopefully) not doing this on purpose. They are usually unaware of how much influence they exert. There are countless examples I could give here. And in the eyes of a people pleasing child who desperately wants to be loved, every request is an obligation.

Back to our girls. Based on what we see in Nemu’s MGS, her mother is the type to make her babysit her brother and help with his homework if she’s home, without even asking first, and would send her to make dinner or do the dishes on her own, to a point Nemu volunteers even. She feels it’s the only way she’ll be accepted, do what they want her to do, follow their demands, be what they want her to be. Maybe then they’ll love her. There’s a huge difference between a child contributing to the household because they want to and a child contributing to the household because they are punished if they don’t, guilt, a hope that they’ll be loved if they do, or any other number of things. Extra fun: RELIGIOUS GUILT! Because Nemu is theoretically doing things for selfish reasons (yes, wanting to be loved is selfish in Buddhism, according to this). This leaves Nemu with mainly the influence of an enabler neglectful mother, and Touka with an attentive father that’s proud of her. And do you know what that gives us?

For Touka, it means she is comfortable and happy with her femininity and chooses it to define her for the most part, while accommodating her “male behavior” with absolutely zero issue. She has seen it as her right from the start, she has never been told “you are X so you must do this and that and you must never do Y” therefore she’s made her own little thing based on how she was raised by a supportive parent and on the things that bring her joy. Usually, the older she gets and the more femme the position she’s in, the more she appears to be exclusively the girliest girl to ever girl, so it’s all the more shocking when she does a “boy thing” (it’s really fun). She is confident in her gender expression and comfortable in her skin. Interestingly, she doesn’t flaunt this, but seems aware of it to some degree, which is curious. Let me explain what I mean, because I think this also has to do with her having the core “male energy” of the two.

Regardless of the way she’s been raised, Touka is AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth). She’s a girl. So she’s bound to have gotten the “girl compliments”. Frequently, little girls are complimented by both adults and other kids on their physical appearance, especially in more traditional places. So they’re “cute” and over all the most used word is “pretty”. Touka knows she’s cute/pretty. Statistically even, if she ever even thought about it enough to do math. So why is it that she seems to place so little importance on it, except for its use as a tool? Very, very simple. Because her father never reinforced it. Boys are most commonly complimented on how “strong” or “smart” they are. Touka is the latter. And that is what her dad nurtured. As a result, Touka never saw “pretty” as something that defines her or her worth. In little kid playground arguments, she would never say “you’re wrong and I’m prettier than you!” like a lot of little girls might. She would say “you’re wrong and I’m smarter than you!” (a cat owner has pointed out this is also very feline of her).

Touka is fully aware that she has this trait, she just doesn’t care much because she doesn’t tie her worth into it, she views it as only a tool. She’s smart enough to understand that her looks can get her things she wants, and she knows her looks also make the clothes she likes look good on her, so those are the two primary uses for them. In contrast, most people raised female tie their looks to their worth INTENSELY and deeply throughout at least their childhood and teenage years, and they often carry this into adulthood. Sometimes it’s so bad that it becomes part of a disorder. But here, Touka knows she’s cute, and she weaponizes it not by flaunting that but by being smarter than others when their guard is down. She takes advantage of the presumed innocence people ascribe to children in the same way. In her mind, pretty privilege is no different from a blade and can be brandished as such. Touka’s relationship to privilege and noblesse oblige is actually an interesting topic in and of itself, but I will refrain from derailing this essay with it.

Fun tangent. It’s likely that she’s more selective with this when she grows older, because she is smart enough to realize the difference between a cute kid and a pretty girl. So as she ages, it becomes more aligned with “you may admire me, but you cannot come close/touch me (except Nemu)”. She knows her worth, she’s not just a pretty face and she will charge you full price. This also makes her more of an unattainable prize whose standards are too high and who rejects anyone’s advances which is good for her ego.

Now, Nemu. Oh Nemu. Our communal chew toy. Nemu feels like exactly the type of girl that’s had a role forced upon her and breaks out of that in her teen years. We’ve covered her myriad issues and repression problems in many other essays, and she’s no different when it comes to this topic. This whole thing has been swirling around in my head since Nemu’s swimsuit costume story was released, but when we got the Christmas unit, that’s when I thought I had to pick this girl apart. I don’t think Nemu is fully comfortable with all that the role of a woman entails, socially speaking. The expectations placed upon her. I feel that the longer they force her to be in that role, the more she’ll be repulsed by parts of it. Mainly the parts that are enforced, that she didn’t choose (for example, I’m pretty sure she has no hair trauma to speak of, so she wouldn’t be the type to shave her hair off in an infamous teen rebellious phase or as a liberation symbol). Skirts/dresses however might slowly become more oppressive as time goes on.

Pronouns detour. Yes, I promise this is relevant and important to my previous points. I imagine a lot of people will be unaware of exactly how this works, so a brief explanation is that in Japanese, first person pronouns are not just “I” and can vary according to context. Age, gender, and level of formality, mostly. For example, although watashi (わたし) is theoretically gender-neutral, it’s most often used by women in casual conversation, whereas men will usually only prefer it in formal situations. Atashi (あたし) is a more casual form of it, primarily used by women (especially younger women). Many of you can tell where this is going. So, since we’ve covered these first two options already, let’s grab Touka first.

Touka is very odd, because for reasons we can only speculate about, she uses watakushi (わたくし). The reason that’s odd is that this is the more formal version of watashi, conveying politeness and respect, only used in very formal situations like public speeches or written documents. Given Touka’s personality, I’m sure everyone can tell that this is a weird choice for her to make. My theory is that it relates to the image she wants to project and the masks she often wears in public. The spaces she tends to move in, like scientist circles, university professors and the like, would no doubt favor the use of watakushi. So, she slides right into this mold. Where does that leave Nemu, then?

Nemu is an interesting case. Her first person pronoun is boku (僕, the kanji for it), which is used primarily by men, especially younger men. It has a softer, more casual tone than ore (おれ) which is predominantly used by men as well, but in very casual or informal situations (think close friends and family). Ore can sound masculine, assertive, or even a bit rough, depending on the context and tone, while boku can also imply humility or boyishness, which does clash with part of how Nemu presents herself. A note about Nemu’s specific usage of it:

I see how that would imply humility then. But anyway, the reason boku is a curious choice is that although young girls do sometimes use boku, they transition into watashi once they “know better” usually, when they get older and such. This doesn’t really apply to Nemu, however. Because, yes, Nemu is a genius. Specifically, her fields are literature, language and anything related. You can tell by the way she speaks (and gratuitous use of kanji that’s not even taught until high school) that the girl knows what she’s doing. So, her electing to use boku, even in somewhat more formal contexts, feels like an extremely deliberate choice on her part.

Here’s some more fun stuff to consider in regards to how gendered expectations progress:

Usually, for girls in particular, the older you get the more “womanly” you’re expected to act. That doesn’t mean you’re expected to be more mature. This isn’t about maturity. See, philosophy and society have very strong opinions about How Women Should Be(have), there are even some vexingly loud folks on the feminist side saying it’s bad or wrong for a woman to be feminine. Examples of the former for folks unfamiliar with philosophy: Aristotle’s Politics and Generation of Animals, Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s Emile and On Education, Immanuel Kant’s Observations on the Beautiful and Sublime and some sections of Anthropology from a Pragmatic Point of View, beloathed Friedrich Nietzsche’s Beyond Good and Evil, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, and The Will to Power, Arthur Schopenhauer’s On Women (an essay) from Parerga and Paralipomena… I could, unfortunately, keep going. Nemu has quoted or referenced philosophy on multiple occasions, and given her interests and the way she speaks, it’s easy to assume that she would’ve read some of this. Because her family wasn’t around much, she can’t have internalized the standards for women from them, but they can reinforce the base she’s already learned from. The aforementioned examples are just some of “the greats” of philosophy, but it applies to most literary classics (which by the way tend to have a lot of things we would deem extremely inappropriate for children, and a lot of rape, none of it usually condemned—not gonna say more on this other than wow that Uwasa Analysis was poignant). It doesn’t help that almost all of that is male-centric and/or written by men. And that brings me to another brief tangent about how I think Touka and Nemu consume media.

We have to consider several important factors for this. The first one is that, taking their earliest stated age of eleven, they cannot possibly consume media and navigate it like adults do. For reasons I don’t think I have to explain. However, we cannot claim that they do it like children their age normally would. Canon has made it quite clear that the magnitude of their genius isn’t just “kid who aces all of their subjects effortlessly” (especially with Touka, but that’s because of excessive value placed on STEM in comparison to history, literature, the creative arts, etc.), and this isn’t an experience most would have, especially not firsthand, so I’m sure it flies under the radar for most people. Instead of experiencing media like adults or like children, geniuses of this magnitude do a third secret thing. Their brains are more analytical (this especially applies to Touka) and capable of understanding much more complex topics and structures, but they lack the experience or the brain development of adults. Although they do have some level of critical thinking skills, there’s a lot they’re still figuring out and they can be easily influenced in ways they don’t even notice. They’re keen to learn and that makes them susceptible to trying to learn from every source without any initial awareness of its bias. Where Touka has likely learned from the internet, where she would’ve been exposed to many different opinions and fallen back on scientific evidence, studies, and the consensus of the scientific community, and would likely learn to contrast information as any smart kid on the internet does, Nemu’s learning comes mostly in the form of books, which are inherently more isolated experiences, and it likely took longer for her to develop those filters and contrasting tools. I’m not even going to touch on how, when in doubt, Touka can ask her father for guidance and receive actual adult advice, but Nemu has no one. No one but her books. Imagine if she’d been a boy caught in incel forums. This is the type of thing that leads to harmful things being internalized at a young age, especially if those things are or were once widespread.

Back to Nemu and womanly standards. Socially speaking, a 12-year-old girl will be excused for doing certain unwomanly things, speaking or dressing a certain way, to a degree. A 16-year-old? Absolutely not, she must act like a proper lady. Get to 20 and you’re locked into Must Be A Woman. Demands are made of you constantly. When are you getting married? When will you have kids? Not to mention constant scrutiny about whether or not you are successful in a way deemed acceptable or valid. And here is the fun thing. Nemu has modifiers! Firstly, while Touka bases herself entirely on logic and science, Nemu leans on philosophy/literature and religion. Extremely different perspectives on womanhood. Nemu is immensely lucky that she’s a Buddhist and not a Christian, that would have made her much worse (no offense to good Christians). Secondly, I didn’t touch on this with Touka because it aligns with the role she’s chosen for herself, but Nemu is a walking contradiction. All of these typically female gender expressions are in plain sight for Nemu, aren’t they? But then, where did the typically male gender expressions go with Nemu? Well, for elaboration on why this is in fact a deeply important aspect of the character, I’ll direct you to the previous essay, but the answer is kink (and sex drive, I guess, but it’s uncertain how much and in what ways she’s indulging that within our canon timeline of ages 11 to 14).

I won’t dwell much on the libido aspect, because of our limited hints about the specifics of it from canon and because I think the kink side of things is more universal, we have more information about it, and its specifics are more relevant here. The only comment is that normally high libido is associated with men. While it’s something you’re born with that emerges around puberty for most folks, it’s interesting to note that Nemu likes making it worse than it could’ve been, almost as if internally clinging to the excuse that she “can’t help it” while at the same time beating herself up about it. This is especially prevalent upon obtaining power (social and literal).

So. Assuming you’ve done your homework and mulled over the conclusions I laid out in the previous essay, you probably know where this is going. What is Nemu’s default for kinks? Dom. In charge. And what kinks does she have? Besides slightly less straightforward ones like the praise kink (which is more intense in Touka than in Nemu), almost all of them are aggressive in some way. And guess what? A woman must never show aggression, but a man monster is defined by it. In case of objections: I will clarify again that the statements in this essay are general observations of societal norms and trends, not “all X are Y” statements. It’s hard to say that men are not encouraged to be violent, to be aggressive. It’s seen as “masculine” to be that way. And it’s Touka that encourages this development in Nemu. Back in the hospital, Touka is the first person to incite Nemu to stand up for herself, which is crucial to Nemu’s individuality and personhood. People pleasers who have done nothing but serve others their entire lives often feel hollow or like husks, like it’s masks all the way down, or like they don’t know who they actually are, what they actually like. Nemu could’ve very well ended up that way. Which is why her behavior with Touka is so fascinating—Touka incites aggression, draws out the traditionally male gender expression, coaxes Nemu by her very nature to act on certain inclinations (sadism, repressed desires), and then paradoxically, given time and trust, Nemu eventually gives her the opposite. We will get to that later though.

A key part of the way Touka earns Nemu’s trust is that despite being fully capable of taking charge and of meeting Nemu on equal or superior terms, she picks the exact right moments to challenge her intellectually but otherwise, as I’ve mentioned in previous essays, we see on multiple occasions that she submits. Willingly, on purpose. It’s a deliberate decision. The entire dynamic settles into that. Touka wants it to, and it soothes Nemu to a degree I don’t think she expects or fully understands. This relationship gives Nemu a vital outlet and allows Touka an experience she cannot permit anywhere else. Let’s get a little into that.

Touka has decision fatigue. In both of her public lives (human and Magical Girl), she’s always going around as the person in charge, a businesswoman if you will, always making sure she is respected even in an extremely male-dominated field. There are aspects of womanhood she can never show to the public. Those are the ones she likes to give to Nemu for safekeeping. Nemu is her safe space to explore that. With Nemu, it’s safe to relax and not be what she knows she has to be in the eyes of the public (this ties back all the way to the first essay). Nemu gets to have power, Touka gets to give it up. Mutually beneficial and desperately craved. Touka can rely on Nemu to let her leave her masks and public persona at the door, and Nemu can trust Touka to keep her deepest darkest secrets (something something keeper of the key for the willingly caged). This all in turn fosters more trust and connection between the two, because they know the other in ways no one else ever has or ever will. I don’t think Nemu has ever felt as comfortable with herself as she does after a few years with Touka, and vice versa applies. In fact, it reminds me of a common dynamic among lesbians. Any lesbian can understand by now why I always say that Touka is the femme to Nemu’s butch. The meaning of those words is complex, deeply personal to many people, and can be difficult to explain, so I will not even try here, but there is a specific way for those two types to click together that feels very comfortable, nice, and just right. And since Japan is completely different and not as open in terms of queer culture, it results in Touka and Nemu being left to their own devices here. They have to discover themselves, each other, and their relationship pretty much blindly and without external influence, which gives them a very unique flavor.

Then there’s the role reversal. On rare occasions, Touka and Nemu voluntarily deviate from their relationship defaults. This would not start happening until they’re well-settled into their defaults, because the reason they’re even able to enjoy their role reversals at all and the reason they enjoy them as much as they do is the previous relationship work. Thanks to their defaults being what they are, thanks to the connection and trust they have built, they can be vulnerable to that extent. Or well, Nemu can. See, the way they experience the role reversal is fundamentally different. It’s about fun for Touka and about vulnerability for Nemu. Nemu I’d say feels incredibly exposed and vulnerable every time and Touka knows exactly what to do, what threads to touch on and which ones to avoid. Touka however is a kid on Christmas morning, but don’t be so quick to dismiss her experience as less important to her because of this.

To elaborate. Their default is something she craves and that she actively wants, but exchanging roles is new and interesting, unexpectedly fun, and it allows her to discover and see new sides of Nemu (though this last thing applies to their defaults as well). I think Touka takes an endearingly scientific approach to this. The thirst for knowledge, the desire to pick Nemu’s brain apart and analyze it all. So Nemu’s experience is “I am made of very delicate glass that I am now putting in your hands” and Touka’s is “I must burn this behavior into my retinas” or something. That may sound bad, but I’d argue it’s a good thing. Nemu wouldn’t be able to feel safe if Touka was also anxious, tentative and scared when swapping roles, so it’s good that at least one of them is confident no matter what. Still, as fascinating as this is, I don’t believe this is something they’d want to do frequently, because that would mean abandoning the previous dynamic that works best with each of their lives, personalities, needs, and issues (also having so much control entrusted to her gives Nemu a feeling of security, safety and power that really grounds her).

On this note, I feel it’s interesting how their behavior changes as the relationship develops and they grow into themselves. Assuming no Alternate Universe modifiers, it always starts with Touka as the initiator, because Nemu is too insecure. Touka instigates and provokes and in a way leads, but more like a lure than a director. Then, when Nemu finally settles and becomes more comfortable in her own skin and in their relationship, they meld into each other. That feeling an outsider will usually get looking at them, the feeling of being an intruder, only intensifies. For Nemu specifically, this development is important, because listen, the girl is touch-starved and craves love and affection. She protects herself by not expressing her wants and needs or her emotions. Because those Don’t Matter and/or are bad (religion, upbringing, several long etceteras). So, Nemu starting to openly express these things is a huge sign of growth and healing. And here’s another paradox (gods I love them and their multitudes).

The paradox of gendered affection. Which expressions of it are allowed for which genders in which contexts, and with what intensity. Two female friends are allowed to link arms and society will generally not bat an eye, but two male friends will be assumed to be a couple. Emotionally, a husband is traditionally expected to be the stony stoic one in a relationship and his wife is expected to be the opposite, but the husband is also expected to be the one making decisions, the one with the most authority over the wife and household. Nemu is the husband, Touka is the wife, but they act the opposite in terms of affection (and also in terms of parenting; Touka is the father to Sakurako, as I’ve explained before, and Nemu is the mother). And I don’t mean this in the sense that either of them is less affectionate, they’re both absolutely clingy (the specific ways in which they are or aren’t vary by context and AU). However, it’s true that a more settled/older, more established Touka is calmer. She doesn’t have the “outbursts” and emotional-ness traditionally expected of a woman, thus acts more Typical Male, while Nemu finally feels comfortable expressing herself so she acts more Typical Female simultaneously taking the lead in the relationship itself.

I could probably keep picking apart the tiny things they do for five thousand more words, but all things considered, I’ve yapped enough. They make me want to chew glass. Eugh. I hope I was able to articulate this topic well!

[chairteeth]

Why are you booing me, I'm right.

Also @kyrakyrakitty this is your fault, you made me do this, now the world gets to see it too.

[chairteeth]

Greek love styles as applied to Touka and Nemu

Welcome one and all to another instance of “Nahi rambles on and on about the blorbos”! This time, brought to you by my friend @abarero (her very lovely essay on this same topic except applied to Mikoto and Hanna inspired this). For those of you unfamiliar with the Greek styles of love, not to worry, I will provide definitions for each term, and I will clarify that they don’t cover only romantic love. Given my aspec TouNemu headcanons, I’d be in trouble if they did. Anyway, remember that the person writing this is both the foremost scholar in TouNemu and also probably the biggest shipper of the two, so for the best experience you will have to read this from the perspective of “yes those two are canon”. And also from the perspective of “these two are people in their universe that existed before canon and will exist beyond canon”. Oh, and spoilers for the TouNemu part of the Arc 2 finale, but I mean, I think most people are at least vaguely familiar with what happened, given PH and all that.

First of all, I call these “love styles” because that is what my teachers and mentors called them when teaching me about them (why yes Nahi is academically and culturally qualified to speak on Grecoroman stuff, unexpected I know). You may see them talked about as just different words for love, or different concepts. These styles are recognizable in people, and sometimes you can tell someone has one of them as their primary style, sometimes you can see the secondary one, there are many variables. Most people experience each of them at some point in their lives. So, let’s begin with philia:

> Philia is the kind of love that strong friends feel toward each other. However, it doesn’t stop there. The Greek philosopher Plato thought that philia was an even greater love than eros and that the strongest loving relationships were ones where philia led to eros: a “friends become lovers” situation. Our concept of platonic love—love that isn’t based on physical attraction—comes from this Platonic philosophy. Philia is a type of love that is felt among friends who’ve endured hard times together.

Fun fact, the ancient Greeks valued philia far above eros because it was considered a love between equals (in reference to the historical inequality between men and women and the historical expectation for one’s friends to be the same sex and one’s romantic partner to be the opposite, needless to say this does not apply when we’re talking about two girls). I thought philia would be a nice, comfortable, easy place to start. Because sure, Touka and Nemu used to fight when they first met, but while important, that is literally not even one fifth of their relationship.

The way Touka and Nemu developed their relationship does actually involve philia, and therefore they continue to have it later in life, like the nourishing soil for their relationship. I believe this is a vitally important and extremely strong foundation they've built. I’ve said this before elsewhere, but despite my enthusiastic shipping of the pair, I wouldn't describe them as the “typical” lovers. Because yes, there’s that, but there’s also so much more to their bond than that, and this is one of the essentials. My timeline in my head for how the relationship would’ve even happened puts the earliest possible point where they could start dating(?) at around Cherry Blossom Dreams, so that's a good half of the game canon and pre-Arc 1 where it was just mounting philia for them. Bare basics! Highly important! Plus, if you go the demi route of the aspec interpretation, they kind of need to have a strong emotional bond via philia first. Or, given that they refused to call each other friends for so long, my favorite: weird undefined thing that grows and changes but we're not gonna put a label on it exactly because it doesn’t quite fit any preexisting ones/it doesn’t feel right. Or if you want to be funny, you can call them lab partners, since that is part of what they are to each other at least during Arc 2. This entire thing is also why I most often pick “partners” as their term of preference, “partner” feels like a wider scope than “girlfriend/wife” and fits them perfectly.

Now, time for storge:

> Although storge closely resembles philia in that it is a love without physical attraction, storge is primarily to do with kinship and familiarity. It's a protective, familial love, often felt by parents toward their children and vice versa. Storge also describes the love that siblings feel towards each other, and the love felt by even more distant kin relationships, such as a grandparent for a grandchild or an uncle toward a niece. It can even be found among childhood friends that have grown up together.

Evidently, storge applies to Touka and Nemu. Between one another, yes, but I feel it especially from them towards say Iroha (and Ui, after the crush passed), towards Sakurako, or from Touka to her dad (I am not mentioning Nemu and her parents because what Nemu feels towards her parents is filial piety and desperation for love, not love). TouNemu specifically tend to feel at least a little protective of the people they love in this manner and try to look after them. Less intense than their protectiveness of each other, in part because well, other people have Others. They do not. Storge feels like it's woven into philia from their hospital days, a natural development that likely happened alongside philia in a way. Not much more to say here I think

Next up, agape:

> Agape is selfless universal love, such as the love for strangers, nature, or God. This love is unconditional, bigger than ourselves, a boundless compassion and an infinite empathy that you extended to everyone, whether they are family members or distant strangers. More interestingly, agape is often defined as unconditional, sacrificial love. The kind of love that is felt by a person willing to do anything for another, including sacrificing themselves, without expecting anything in return. According to the Greeks, this was the highest and most radical type of love. It is the purest form of love that is free from desires and expectations, and loves regardless of the flaws and shortcomings of others.

*slams hands on table* YOU SEE. The selfless love for humanity to save strangers and whatever is there with Touka and Nemu, but not really as important as other parts of agape, they have higher priorities (this part of agape I feel is way more prevalent in Ui or Iroha). Unconditional and sometimes sacrificial love for each other, though? Loving without expectations or pressure? Most definitely! Absolutely. They even do this in lesser ways with other close loved ones. I do not think I have to point out the examples from canon, they've tried to kill themselves like five times give or take, and almost always you can trace their reasoning back to love in some way (in between all the trauma and guilt), plus some decisions about the specifics of their little self-immolation schemes are so clearly made with a sense of equality, partnership with each other. The unconditional part is something that’s very important for them to receive from each other. One of the reasons they trust each other so much is precisely how much they respect the other when it comes to boundaries, as well as the lack of expectations/conditions, which I’ve talked about before in other essays I believe.

So! The funny stalker love now!

> Mania love is a type of excessive love that leads someone into madness and obsessiveness. Although not necessarily and not universal, examples of mania could be what a jilted lover feels when they are extremely jealous of a rival, the unhealthy obsession that can result from mental illness, the kind of “love” that a stalker feels toward their victim, etc. To those who experience mania, love itself is a means of rescuing themselves; a reinforcement of their own value as the sufferer of poor self-esteem. This person wants to love and be loved to find a sense of self-value. Because of this, they can become possessive and jealous lovers, feeling as though they desperately “need” their partners. If the other partner fails to reciprocate with the same kind of mania love, many issues prevail. Mania can often lead to issues such as codependency.

I mean. They absolutely have it. It’s not too major for them, or at least not in the traditional sense. I don't think it's the unhealthy sort. They do display obsessive behavior at times (usually relatively minor, but I imagine it'd be worse if they weren't constantly joined at the hip, Touka was not exactly happy when Nemu got kidnapped by former Feathers in the IroYachi event), and I've argued before with screenshot evidence that both of them are possessive with both things/concepts and people. With how their relationship map has evolved, this behavior is mostly in their heads and applies to each other the most. There's a level of entitlement to the other and defensiveness they have too, and honestly, the depths their love reaches would 100% be considered madness. I mean. Must I point at the Arc 2 finale and that very fun decision of shedding their humanity and leaving their world, lives, dreams, aspirations, legacy and memories behind to live together in space? That's not normal person behavior, especially when it involves Exploding In Public as the preamble/step 1. THAT'S NOT NORMAL PERSON BEHAVIOR… Mania is usually seen as bad because the famous examples are all one-sided and on the very extreme, but I mean, what's wrong with two-sided mania? They seem fine to me. Codependent, but surprisingly functional in spite of that—I think they feel secure in their relationship at the moment. That said, if you just did a handful of very specific things, such as, say, very bad things happening to the other every time they’re apart… well, can you really tell me it wouldn’t amp up their paranoia and possessive protectiveness? Really think about it. If you pushed the right buttons, you could easily bring the mania to the surface.

Anyway, next up, my favorite that I named a fic after (yes you should read it if you haven’t already), pragma:

> Pragma is a committed, compassionate love that often grows as two partners continue to cherish and care for each other. This type of love is associated with being together for a long time and often seen in long term best friend marriages. It's an everlasting love between a couple that chooses to put equal effort into their relationship. Commitment and dedication are required to reach this level. Instead of “falling in love,” you are “standing in love” with the partner you want by your side indefinitely. Pragma is a unique sort of closely bonded love that can only grow over time and matures over the years. A love built on commitment, mutual understanding, and long-term interests, like (the easiest example) building a family. It's very meaningful and not a bond that is likely to ever break due to its foundations being so strong.

So basically intense devotion, mutual understanding, and the single most “partner” love. The “I will stand by your side no matter what” love. The kind that pays attention to the tiniest details and quietly makes adjustments as needed, the kind that Knows. Do I have to say anything? Do I really? This is TouNemu to a T. I will die on the hill that TouNemu's primary love style with each other is pragma.

I was not looking forward to this part considering the state of media literacy and reading comprehension, but here it is, eros:

> Eros is passion, lust and pleasure. Sensual, physical love. Romance is included here. Examples of eros would be the intense love felt between, well, lovers. The ancient Greeks considered eros to be dangerous and frightening, as it involves a “loss of control” through primal impulses.

I think this one is the most difficult to explain, if only because it clashes with my interpretation of the girls as being in the aspec, but if we're talking physical, I do 100% think that physical affection (and yes, sex) is/would be important for both Touka and Nemu, with the headcanon for Nemu having high libido issues being pretty much unanimously accepted among the TouNemu cult (because it does have canon basis and the ace + high libido combo is interesting to toy with). It's a lot about grounding for them, I feel. Touch is grounding for them because they've never had it and they therefore crave it, a more solid anchor than anything else, and like a sort of lifebuoy that I feel they can throw at one another if they notice The Signs, while at the same time being very gentle. As a friend of mine also recognized when discussing this in DMs, if anyone were to recognize their specific signs of their dissociation/panic, it would be the other, because they essentially developed these defense mechanisms and coping skills together. Plus, it's a multi-sensory anchor: the touch isn't just about texture, but also warmth, and the rhythm of breathing, and the subtle shifting of your partner, and their closeness, and the slight moisture of their breath. And that's just the tactile portion! It's also major with scent and sound and There Is A Lot.

Gentleness is one thing, but if you go into the kink side a little more, there's controlled aggression, the sting of a pain you can control (since it can stop with a single word or gesture/you get to be the one dishing it out for once), the other sorts of sensory craving that things like temperature play can satisfy. It's a lot about control in this case. I have so many thoughts and feelings about TouNemu's physicality- it's comforting to them both for grounding reasons and the emotional security in feeling the signs of presence and life in the one person they know they can rely on. There is a bit too much to get into right now (I could majorly elaborate on the sex and kink thing if asked), so we shall move on.

Yet another one I’m anxious about sharing for the same reasons as eros… Ludus.

> Ludus is playful, often noncommittal love. It covers things like flirting, crushes, courtship, seduction, and casual sex. Ludus is that feeling we have when we go through the early stages of falling in love with someone, e.g. the fluttering heart, flirting, teasing, and feelings of euphoria. The word means “play” or “game” in Latin, and that pretty much explains what ludus is: love as a game. When it comes to ludus, a person is not looking for a committed relationship. People who are after ludus are just looking to have fun or view sex as a prize to be won. A friends with benefits situation would be an example of a relationship built on ludus: neither partner is interested in commitment. Of course, ludus may eventually result in eros if feelings of passion or romance emerge during the relationship. After all, playfulness in love is an essential ingredient that is often lost in long-term relationships, yet it’s one of the secrets to keeping your love alive, interesting and exciting.

Throwing the noncommittal part completely into the trash for the canon timeline analysis, Touka and Nemu’s entire relationship is based on teasing and mind games. They are the only people they act playful towards or joke with at all—they will, on rare occasions, also tease Ui, but it doesn’t feel the same with her because Ui doesn’t really play their game. Their whole thing is exactly this. And since ludus, like all the other styles, can overlap with other styles of love, you really don’t have to compromise on the girls’ philia or pragma to agree that they have a healthy degree of ludus in their relationship by nature. It’s something they treat as unique to their relationship too, which is interesting. 

They're NOT AT ALL noncommittal or “casual” about each other, however they do like to treat their relationship like a sort of “game”. Their mind games and verbal sniping are in fact courtship, I think it relates to intellectual stimulation and poking the other around. In this sense they are basically seeking enrichment, fun, while also letting their relationship be extremely intense and mostly undefined. And I would be lying if I said I haven't had many AUs where these two started out as friends with benefits or went through that phase before settling into commitment (because they're stupid and in denial and allergic to vulnerability). It's a fascinating avenue to explore with them, particularly because a relationship that you negotiate and agree on being “no strings attached” (lmao good luck you idiots) avoids things they're terrible at such as The Big Emotions, so it's also a safety net. And a way to remain “close” and develop trust without necessarily being traditionally emotionally vulnerable. Not to mention that as an established relationship, I fully believe they would have business meetings every month to discuss the state of it; feedback, any necessary grievances they want to air, working together on problem-solving, etc.

Lastly, another big one! Philautia!

> Philautia refers to how a person views themselves and how they feel about their own body and mind. So essentially, self-love/self-esteem (good) and/or hubris (bad). The Greeks understood that in order to care for others, we must first learn to care for ourselves. People with high self-esteem, pride in themselves, or a positive body image practice a healthy version of philautia. Of course, philautia has a negative version, there is such a thing as excessive self-esteem/arrogance.

Let me tell you self-love is horrendous for both Touka and Nemu. Nemu is way worse at this than Touka. I don’t know what you expected me to say, but they simultaneously have huge egos and also the lowest self-esteem known to man. You can see this clearly in the ways they interact with others and the ways they objectify and dehumanize themselves respectively. I'm not sure I've talked about this at length before, but it holds true in every iteration of their characters, no matter what.

Touka is a little complicated to examine with this, with the simultaneous sense of both superiority and inferiority. She knows she sucks at socializing. She knows she’s the best in her fields. She may be young, but she’s not stupid. Assigning roles to herself and using her knowledge (hence her shoehorning sciency things in conversation) are the only ways she knows how to socialize, and as I’ve analyzed in other essays before, in Touka’s mind, all of her worth hinges on her intelligence. It’s what she’s been told her entire life: you’re so smart, that’s incredible, you’re so much more intelligent than others. The role of “genius” is what gives her a framework for how to interact with people, and Nemu threw that out of whack because she made Touka go off-script. Touka hadn’t prepared to deal with someone as smart as her. She hadn’t thought she’d have an equal. As a Magius, the way she acts is also mostly within the confines of her role, her job, what she’s expected to be like and what she’s expected to do. It’s all scripted. It’s the only way she thinks she can navigate most social interactions and communicate with People (capitalized because as I’ve said before, Touka and Nemu do not consider each other people, they consider each other a sort of part of themselves, something that cannot be handled the same way as People).

As for Nemu, boy buddy boy does this idiot self-flagellate. Not only is she introspective and the type to overthink everything and conclude she deserves nothing but the flames of Avici (her words, not mine), but she’s also painfully repressed in so many ways. I’ll go into all of this more in one of my upcoming essays that examines Nemu through a Buddhist lens (because she is Buddhist). The main point is that while Touka uses her masks and the enforcement of “roles” in order to navigate socialization, Nemu appears to be much better at it, but that’s really just an illusion. It’s because she knows how people speak. All she does is read, and she’s a writer, so there’s no way she wouldn’t. Is it genuine? Not really. She’s polite, though. In that sense she is the very example of a “proper” lady (Japan standards). Speaks nicely, can carry a conversation with perfect normalcy, etc. The only exceptions are Touka, whenever she decides someone is her enemy (such as Mikazuki when she was a Magius or Felicia in Ui’s MGS), and Sakurako who she speaks to with genuine motherly affection. It’s very. Very interesting. I am vibrating trying not to go into how this relates to her being a Buddhist because that is FOR THE OTHER ESSAY. Shh. Sh. Moving on.

Touka and Nemu are ultimately not made to be human, yet they are so very human nonetheless, and it shows in their hearts. There's an ache there. A desire to belong. But that desire feels lost and contradictory with the way they’re treated and with their other desires. And, no matter how hard they try, they can never find a home in those around them. Their sights are set too high, no other can match that, and so they feel alien and out of place with people besides one another. They both have very strong hearts, especially when they're together, and unlike say Iroha (who is all too human and thus yearns to return to a place she felt she belonged post-Arc 2), they make peace with their own departure. They never belonged anyway. Their place is not among the masses. This is why they have absolutely no qualms basically cutting ties with the mortal world for their ascension. They fully believe it's the best they can do, both for themselves and others. And while this dehumanization of the self can often either cause or be because of self-loathing, it also may not, or may grow past it. I think that's what we were seeing with the ascension, actually, it felt like chains snapping off and letting them fly, letting them finally pursue their goals unhindered, with each other as eternal support and without the constraints of human society that they’d always endured.

OKAY! That is the gist of it! Hope everyone enjoyed me going on another rant.

[chairteeth]

"TouNemu and Royalty"

So. Spoilers ahead obviously if anyone is unaware of the TouNemu plot for the Arc 2 finale. Because I’m going to go through the reasons why I think they made the choices they made. I promise there are reasons besides “gay” (though I feel gay is definitely a factor).

Presumably, Touka and Nemu chose the details of their Rumor. Thus, they chose to be Uwasa Queens. I tend to be good at deducing their thought processes and figuring out hypotheticals with them, so, this is how I think they came to that decision.

It likely began with teasing, because their whole dynamic tends to include a decent amount of that and Touka is commonly very princess. Touka might be the one to get the idea for once, because I can’t really see Nemu having the initiative in this case, so Touka tells her that if anything, it's Nemu who had the role of a queen of sorts. The one who presided over Fendt Hope (literally able to edit the place on the fly, like a god), their “castle” (Nemu refers to it as such in her MGS before she creates it!). The one with authority, and always the one to take on weight.

Then Nemu, being the way she is (introspective, philosophical, poetic), would go quiet for a little bit to think about The Weight Of The Crown/Heavy Is The Crown. How fitting to act like a despot and sacrifice the pawns without much thought for their individual lives (Magius era). To carry the burdens of a crown, to protect a people (shielding Magical Girls from their fate). Nemu seems to enjoy history a decent amount, so I can see her thinking back to what the monarchies of old were like, the ruler “chosen by divine right” to watch over the realm. Since Iroha and Ui were a part of the plan already without knowing, and we’ve covered how Touka and Nemu view those two as an unachievable ideal (I was particularly specific about this in the Buddhism essay), Nemu might make the connection to divinity. Credit for a monarch’s good work was attributed to God. On top of that, monarchs are viewed as “unreachable” in a way, much like they will soon be. They are in a way alien to the common folk, who cannot conceive the way they might think or what they might do, which reflects TouNemu’s unpredictable mega genius situation. Their actions will also impact countless lives, much like those of a monarch. Going down that route until it feels fitting for that to be the backdrop of their Rumor seems feasible.

This is where it gets gay because I genuinely think it’s the most natural way it would happen, so here’s what I propose. With that concluded, Touka may pout and ask, if Nemu is a queen, what is she supposed to be? As she usually does, she’s left herself wide open to attack, which in this case means Nemu can do that little head bunt thing they do in the anime, cup her face/hold her hand and softly go all “every queen needs a consort” on her. Cue Touka dying a little and inventing a new shade of red probably. It is, by all definitions, a marriage proposal (harder than usual too, because imagine a reality warper asking “will you spend eternity at my side?”) and that’s really the interpretation that makes the most sense. Because—picture me pulling out my extensive firsthand and secondhand knowledge of royal and nobiliary systems—the only way a country can have two monarchs, be it king-queen, king-king or queen-queen, is marriage. A monarch’s sibling is a prince/princess or duke/duchess of some variety; they do not share the monarch’s title. And this leads me into my outfit analysis! Because that’s also part of where I got my “Touka is the consort” interpretation, so let’s get started. Here’s a full view of both for your convenience:

Onto the analysis! First, the eyes. A thing I have been losing my mind over since the new designs dropped. I’m sure every person who has ever talked to me in DMs has seen me talk about this but it sure it a very specific and very deliberate choice that Touka and Nemu’s Soul Gems are now the color of each other’s eyes:

That aside, their eyes also tell us a little about the nature of what they are. The eyes of other Uwasa girls differ. For comparison, here are Uwasa Tsuruno, Uwasa Sana and Sakurako, next to Touka and Nemu:

Now, of course, these are different cases. For example, Uwasa Tsuruno was a fusion of a Magical Girl and a pre-existing Rumor, and Uwasa Sana was a (more willing) fusion of a Magical Girl and a pre-existing Rumor as well (though I assume her eyes look like that because of Ai-chan being an AI). But Sakurako is straight up a Rumor herself. So, where does that leave Touka and Nemu? What are they really? Did they fuse themselves with a Rumor they wrote for themselves to wear, like Alina with the Fur God, or did they change themselves into a Rumor, become the Rumor themselves? Somehow, the latter seems likelier to me. More their style. More final. With that, we could also consider that their eyes being half “normal” and half “Uwasa-like” (though in a way we haven’t quite seen before that suggests an intertwinement not reliant on a pre-existing Rumor) represents how they are each one half of a shared Rumor. It makes sense, given that they are referred to as one entity in two parts, each hooked up to a different part of their power generator (Infinite Iroha, because of the Kimochi) as a failsafe. Connection.

Next up, a couple of small details:

Some neat ways their designs are made to match, the “texture”/pattern of their crowns being one of them. The exact same one is used. The same applies to the golden chain in Touka’s crown, with Nemu’s hair ties being changed to match it. And lastly:

The first thing many people noticed when we saw the Uwasa designs was Touka’s crown (by the way, the Soul Vessel thing they made for PH has both their crowns in it, Touka’s above and Nemu’s below, holding the weight—Touka’s is the one people notice first, which follows the pattern established from the start about her always getting more attention). It makes a lot of sense that a consort would gain a crown upon ascension, doesn’t it? Nemu’s just got an “upgrade” of sorts now that we see her as an Uwasa Queen, and similar to how crowns work in real life, the consort’s is more subdued in terms of gemstone presence, while in this case Nemu’s has so many gems. And as for the specific part pictured in the image I chose, they added a dangle for Touka’s headwear that also moves when she does, like Nemu’s, and mirrors Nemu’s (they're specifically placed so that when they do the motion that tilts their heads towards each other, the dangles move with them). 

A couple more details. The Uwasa effect/texture affects black fabric, their hair, and specifically the gold around their Soul Gems. The gold of Touka’s corset(?) is untouched, the gold on Nemu’s cape is untouched, but the gold around their Soul Gems specifically is affected. Honestly, if I’d had it my way, they would’ve used the same sort of fluff they put at the base of Touka’s crown to add to Nemu’s cape (royal mantle). And removed the prison theme, because frankly it's the least relevant it’s ever been and would in fact be fitting to shed here—I feel like removing the prison theme would have been the right call for this form considering this is them having come to terms with everything and having made a pretty selfless decision that basically sets them free of both their guilt and earthly constraints. The rest of my design nitpicks are more personal taste, so I won’t bore you with them. But I will add that it’s very typical for the Queen Consort to be the more outwardly “cheerful”/smiley one of the two, while the Queen Regnant is more stoic. The way they settle into their roles is both interesting and satisfying, and as a conclusion to their characters, this whole Uwasa Queens development is actually incredibly fitting. Full circle.

So, yes, this has been my not-so-mini essay of sorts on why I think royalty fits them so well. I always thought the Wings of the Magius would have done better with a royalty theme, actually. It likely would have been easier to paint them as the good guys too. Unsettling, yet seemingly “good” at a glance. I hope everyone can enjoy the Uwasa Queens even more now and that I provided a little insight/pointed out something you hadn’t noticed!

[chairteeth]

Touka and Nemu are Possessive

Did you know Touka and Nemu are both possessive over things and people? As per usual this is not baseless and elaboration is imminent.

Firstly, they are possessive over certain things. It’s less the objects themselves and more related to what they consider to be theirs intellectually speaking. Let’s look at Touka’s MGS for a second. Everyone that has watched that MGS is aware that the entire plot of the hospital episode is actually this exact thing, Touka doesn’t want to share her knowledge of outer space with her classmates, because it feels hers. I went into this a little in my analysis of these two’s memoriae, but I believe this part is very simple to understand. Nemu is less overt about it and doesn’t lash out like Touka does, so it’s easier to overlook in her case due to her people pleasing tendencies. And yet, guess what we see more directly from Nemu than we do from Touka, at least at first? Possessiveness over people.

This happens multiple times, but one example is right here:

The context of this screenshot is that Touka has come to play with Ui, and this is how Nemu reacts. The phrasing is interesting, but so is the fact that Nemu clings to Ui so much. Touka does the same, though her behavior seems less pronounced in regards to people, again at least at first (this will change). You may say, well, they’re children, Nahi, children do that. Correct! However, consider the following. Their possessive behavior doesn’t disappear when they grow older (time does pass in-universe, we have evidence of it). It changes, it evolves, and it takes on what I believe is likely its final shape, but it does not disappear. Let me show you a few examples, from say the Magius era.

Note that Mokyu has only touched Touka, that’s who Iroha threw him at. Touka then kicked Mokyu away in Nemu’s direction. So the wording choice is interesting. But by all means, here’s some more:

These are from the end of Chapter 7, when Nemu is first introduced to us as one of the Magius. In fact, here’s how the manga adapted the scene:

Notice what Touka is doing? Her demeanor changes completely as soon as Nemu falters. Not only that, she turns her back, even if briefly, to the enemy, and puts herself between Nemu and the potential threat. Things of this nature are actually quite common between the two of them. You can more easily see it when compared to their behavior towards others. Another point is their physical closeness. They’re practically joined at the hip, they touch each other a lot (the sheer amount of handholding, including the anime “intimate” type, is baffling), and their sprites in the game have mirrored motions (they tilt their heads towards one another and fold their hands in opposite order). For good measure, examples of the handholding in various official media:

(LOOK at the HANDS. The microexpressions during their henshin absolutely assassinate me, personally. Touka and Nemu keep your hands off each other for two seconds challenge: difficulty impossible.)

Anyway, moving on.

“Nahi, these are all very small things” yes and my job is finding them, putting them together, and dissecting them.

A more “classic” example of possessiveness, I suppose, is in Touka’s passwords. Normally, a “typical” possessive partner will demand to have the other’s passwords. Well, in Touka and Nemu’s bizarre brand of mutual desired possessiveness, Touka just plain lets Nemu set her passwords. Behold:

Yeah what kind of behavior is that honestly. “I trust her more than myself”-COMING FROM TOUKA-“so she sets the passwords, not me”. Which also just speaks to how they're constantly by each other's side. Their trust in each other goes beyond any normal amount, and the only reason it usually doesn’t come off as possessiveness is that it’s mutual and something they both enjoy. In fact they’ve both said they need each other before. Ui said something of the sort ages ago when they were in the hospital, but during the Magius era, they attached to each other and escalated exponentially. Their Tap 8 quotes for example, which I’ve covered before.

So here’s why this interpretation makes so much sense. Nemu is easier, so let’s start with her. She’s been alone her whole life up until she met Ui and Touka, and even then, there was a sense of hollowness, loneliness, and then she bonds with Touka, and Touka gives her everything she has ever wanted, and everything she never knew she needed. One of a kind. Ui’s kindness can be replicated (for example, Iroha does that), but the connection with Touka cannot. Birds of a feather flock together (especially apt given that Touka and Nemu are a swallow and warbler respectively, while Ui is a moth and Iroha is a cuckoo—an intruder in the nest of another). Even in the anime, Nemu tells Touka that the reason she hid the truth from her was that she gave her hope. Like a tick to blood. Touka doesn’t hold any of this against her and immediately moves to be on the same page, because she understands. You’d cling to a person like Touka too, if you were Nemu. As for Touka, she’s very well aware of what I just explained, of Nemu’s value, the worth Nemu is often blind to, and Nemu does something for Touka that is critical in making her latch on: she makes her mind clearer. I mentioned this in the sadism essay as well, how since the Magius era, Touka puts herself entirely in Nemu’s care and voluntarily follows her lead, allowing herself to be controlled whenever Nemu decides. Touka is particularly prone to jumping to Nemu’s defense, like a spicy shoulder cat ready to maul you if you so much as look at their owner funny. Ui and Iroha can never elicit that level of visceral possessiveness from Touka.

This once again returns to the simple conclusion that I’ve come to many times before. They do not consider each other “people” and instead consider each other to be “themselves”. A part of their own bodies and minds, almost. That’s why they move as one, that’s why they are the only ones ever privy to their plans, that’s why they so happily chose to join together at their peak (Uwasa Queens).

Let them be their clingy selves with each other. They deserve it.

[chairteeth]

Sorry I don't make the rules.

@abarero you have never been more right in your life (jk you have, you are habitually based)

[chairteeth]

"The Many Masks of Touka Satomi"

So I actually wanted to refine this certified word vomit of mine before I put it anywhere buuuut I figured this would be a good time to let it out of its containment zone. This is essentially me overthinking the crap out of everything ever and coming out of it with this interpretation of Touka in particular. Informal essay under the cut! It will have extra tangents! And I blend a bit of what we were shown in the anime into my interpretation, but this is game canon.

Whenever Touka is discussed, the words "child", "immature", "selfish", and "arrogant" are the ones most often thrown around. There is usually not much more discussion after that. Well, I'm not here to say it's wrong, it's correct for the most part, I'm just here to draw attention to the fact that there's so much more to her than meets the eye. So, hear me out, if you would.

Touka's levels of vulnerability in the Magius era. That's already interesting by virtue of it being the Magius era. That's a really interesting era. Ui was what brought Touka and Nemu together and Ui was the cornerstone of their relationship for a while, so losing that RETROACTIVELY kinda makes you wonder exactly what their memories of the hospital era became. How exactly the two of them met, became friends, came to share a room, etc. Because the quotes are from their Magius selves and so we know they very much remember being roommates for a long time and still consider each other reliable and trustworthy (also the entirety of Nemu's swimsuit costume story which spawns many questions when you stop to think about it but I will touch on that some other time). We know that in reality, the hospital trio began to share a room after Touka, in her infinite princess behavior, asked her dad to put all three of them in the same room because it was annoying to walk between the rooms so often (source: TouNemu Christmas alt quotes). Interesting choice on her part back then considering she seemingly wanted Nemu out of the way, but I will touch on that another time because the hospital era has its own analysis.

Okay then, let's talk about Touka's role as a Magius. A leader. One who shoulders the burdens of the many. She willingly exposed herself to the weight of a whole people's sorrow, pain, grief, anger. And then she chose to lead them. To avenge them. It may not have started that way but it sure as heck got there at some point (thank you anime for helping out with this point). Now, I want to stop here for a moment and remind everyone that during Arc 1, Touka was 11 to 12 years old (as per the JP script, she is 12 by the end of it). Not only that, but if you pay attention, you'll notice the stress of Nemu's declining health is killing her. Nemu is quite literally the only person Magius Touka shows genuine concern for. This one person she cares about more than anyone else, slowly dying for the plan. For the cause. And as the sort of "main leader", Touka can't back down. She just can't. It would be not only a betrayal to "her people", but also to the one closest to her, the one who has arguably sacrificed the most for their salvation. So then, with someone as full of herself as Touka, someone seemingly so arrogant... What about her own health and wellbeing? What about her own sense of self? Because I have a feeling she doesn't really have one.

The way she always emphasizes the genius aspect of herself and even uses it as an excuse and brings it up so often feels like that's all she sees herself as. Nemu gives, yes. Nemu has similar issues. But hers are much, much more obvious. Less concealed. Touka gives without measure, without the slightest care for herself. She's selfish and at the same time one of the most selfless characters. There's also the interpretation that, at their very core, Touka and Nemu both just wanted to live. But I feel like that was only at the beginning. If that was all there was to it, the plan would not have continued with Nemu's life at risk, Touka would not put herself in the line of fire. Essentially, Touka has taken on way, way too much responsibility, as well as crafting several masks. Don't forget, just like every other magical girl, she led a double life the entire time, and she financed a lot of the cult's operations. Though I don't have any doubt many of the richer members contributed to the budget with their ridiculous allowances that they do not use.

Touka had to hide from everyone. She couldn't show her true self to anyone. Not her father who loves her so deeply, not anyone else in her civilian life, not her subordinates, Alina is not the most warm and welcoming to be around... so her only option is Nemu. That's comfortable. That's familiar. But. Then there are the many, many feelings she has about Nemu. It's, complicated you see. Touka feels many ways about Nemu. For starters, if their memory of Ui is gone, it means all of the warmth and kindness Ui had must've taken another form, which explains the difference in their bond, how they seem so much... closer, as Magius. Either way, even back then, Nemu is the only one who would understand. Touka Satomi is an actress. Everywhere else is her stage, and Nemu is backstage. So, Touka can only ever be truly 100% vulnerable with Nemu. Yet she still didn't do it. I don't think Magius Touka ever really fully 100% relied on Nemu. She may have wanted to, and she does call her reliable in her quotes. But well, with Nemu's health getting worse and worse, she may have come to the conclusion that it would be for the best (health-wise) if Nemu didn't have to share her burden.

However, Nemu's declining health also brought something else. Touka took on another role: the protector. Nemu is practically helpless during the mid to late Magius era. Not completely helpless, she's still a strong magical girl, mind you, but could drop or have an attack at any time. We see this multiple times such as in Mifuyu's MGS, her own MGS, and she even has what is basically a stroke during Arc 1 Chapter 8, 4:02:36 - 4:03:43 in the video if you want to take a listen (I have a Magius Nemu essay in the works, don't you fret). Therefore, Touka has to be alert and ready to respond immediately. Which I think is why we see more of Alina outside than Touka. Touka lingers around where Nemu is and only hesitantly hands her over to Alina or Mifuyu when she absolutely must. Other than the sheer pain of watching Nemu bleed herself dry and being unable to do anything about it, not because she physically can't, but because she can't in a different sense... she also can't revert things back to the way they were, for all of her genius and medical knowledge she can't help Nemu, she can't help her best friend feel even a little better. This leads us to the undeniable fact that Touka is very, very unstable and volatile as a Magius. That's not the impression she first gives at all, of course.

Arc 1 Chapter 6 is where we first meet Magius Touka. She's calm, with a cold cheerfulness to her, calculated. Most importantly, I feel like the reason she was the one doing the lecture instead of literally just sending Mifuyu was because she recognized Team Mikazuki as a possible threat and specifically did not like Iroha, which was also why she lied. The one and only thing Touka lied about in her lecture: Iroha asked where Nemu was, Touka said they parted ways after being discharged. Blatant gigantic lie. And seriously, the only reason she'd have to lie about that and in that specific way would be to protect Nemu. At that point, Iroha and her team have wiped out a handful of uwasa, so she must have known. But yes, this is not at all how she really feels or what she really thinks. This is just another mask (I will talk about Touka's plastic smile and Nemu's poker face ANOTHER TIME). Because she needs to nip any aspirations Iroha may have in the bud, hopefully recruit more Feathers, and neutralize the threat that is Team Mikazuki.

What happens just as she's starting to go off the deep end? How convenient, it seems Yachiyo and Iroha have spent a good amount of their time destroying uwasa, thus wasting Nemu's repeated sacrifices, and forcing her to make more in order to meet their energy quota. Honestly, who wouldn't be losing it, at that point? So close to salvation, so close to freedom, so close to being done. And they're ruining not only the plan but also everything it means for her and the person she loves most. When you really think about it, Touka's mental health was, forgive the crude language, IN DEEP SHIT throughout Arc 1. Not that it was great before or that it improved too much after, but yeah, I do believe people do not give this enough thought.

Finally, with all of this in mind, as for the topic of this rant being Touka's levels of vulnerability as a Magius... There were none. She had no choice. At first it was fine. At first, before the gears turned too fast to stop, she could deal with it. She could confide in Nemu, even a little bit in Alina or Mifuyu (though not much), but it got worse and worse. Mifuyu was clearly blind to all of this the entire time (she, much like everyone other than Touka, didn't seem to care that Nemu had to give up her life force for each uwasa, and if you disagree I will point out the scene at the end of Mifuyu's MGS as one of my more than five pieces of evidence). Alina likely didn't care enough, and Nemu was probably too exhausted, although the concern must've been there. In summary, Magius Touka stands alone in her mind, and with her mind. Arc 1 was practically a descent into madness for her. When you start thinking about things from Touka's perspective, you start to see how abysmal her mental health was.

As part of my conclusion I'd like to say that honestly, it makes sense why she gave off the feeling of being lost for a decent chunk of... everything after Arc 1. What is she supposed to do without a purpose? What is she supposed to do without anything or anyone to tell her what she is and who she is? Not to mention the fucking ton of bricks to her face that must've been getting her memories back. I do not know how she didn't break. I legitimately do not know how she survived. During that little "lost" stage she had, I got the feeling she'd relapse back to her suicidal tendencies. It was... less "a feeling" and more "exactly what canon did", it's just slightly (badly) disguised.

ANYWAY. What I mean is that the children are complex and I ask everyone to have more respect and more compassion for them. I will be back with more about the performer and her backstage, hopefully in a more organized format.