#no I dont delete anything I've done ever. I am Like That yes

[b4kuch1n]

hey. just woke up and drank a giant cup of milk&coffee.

[cold-r-ain-in-june]

so a few weeks ago @steadfast sent me an ask wondering how i manage to gather the pieces of media for my web weavings

unfortunately,  it just happened that when you sent me that ask i was one foot in the grave with a fever and ever since i got better i've been procrastinating writing you a reply since i wanted to give you my best answer

double unfortunately, tumblr decided to delete the post and your ask when i was almost done, so i'll try to write it again even though i'm frustrated over the original getting deleted so bear with me

so to start off, i happen to suffer from the horrible condition called sometimes-i-feel-things-so-strongly-i-want-to-cut-open-my-skin-to-let-them-out. a horrible illness really. things like anger or missing my ex or chronic sadness. sometimes, rarely, it happens to be love, though much less often then i would like.

basically, i bottle things up to the point in which i cant help but see them everything. i see a random poem on my instagram feed, i listen to a song on the bus and one of the lyrics clicks like it never had before, a scene from a movie a watched 3 years ago comes to haunt me at night when i cant sleep.

so i gather them, sometimes, i make new folders for them, other times i am so lazy and messy i just let them get lost and rot with the other 10k of screenshots i have on my phone.

obviously, i also have to outright search for things, but i dont even do it for the sake of creating a web weaving post at first. i just feel one thing so deeply i have to look up proof that people have been also feeling this thing for thousands of years and theyve all dealt with it. i mostly search them here on tumblr and sometimes pinterest. words like "friendship", like "medea", like "toxic siblings", they can all open doors to pieces of media you have never heard of before, but which contain a three line dialogue youd kill for from the first time you read it. this all very tricky, evidently, at times, things simply dont match with the way you actually feel, no matter how much you search for them, but stitching them together can give you this almost perfect thing that mirrors your soul.

i also happen to be the kind of person who screenshots everything they think its relevant. and its good that i have really low standards for relevance. thats how i end up diving in my screenshots pile, when i feel like my web searching is failing, and sometimes i get lucky enough and i find a line i collected 2 years ago that matches exactly how i feel in that moment.

you've also mentioned the question of whenever i memorize book passages, and the answer is somewhere between yes and no. while, when i read i heavily annotate my books, im not a big fan of memorising outright passages (my brain is mush lets be honest, i cant fry it even more with overloading), and i dont write them down or anything, but i do however manage to memorize the overall idea of passages that stick to me. liek i can tell that x book has some quote about y thing even if i dont remember it outright. then i try to look it up, i use goodreads mostly (which is a bitch on mobile but you can work your way around if you search shit on web AND THEN you open it with the app) and google books when it decides to be helpful every once in a while, and if neither of those work, THEN, i open my edition and try to look for it because im lazy like that.

another site i really like, and its obvious in my web weavings is gentle.earth!! which, now that i say it, i actually havent visited it in a while but since i remembered it exists ill probably stalk it for the next few weeks. it's an anymous site on which everyone can confess things that hang heavy on them and some of them get to be displayed on the page after the entires are curated. its a really pretty thing to look through

now that i covered the bases of obtaining the materials for the web weaving, which i think i can boil down to 1. hysterical search mission and 2. hoarding every piece of media you come across, i will also add that at least for me personall, putting them in order for is a pain in the ass (which is also the maine reason i havent made a web weaving in almost a year even though i have the materials ready). i dont know if other people who do this kind of things are as press as i am about the order in which each post go and the way the different shades of the same idea interwine and bullshit bullshit or if im just mental. but yeah its also a really important step for me, its basically the polish of the post ig

also the biggest problem with the hoarding strategy is spending 2 days looking for a source because your past self was too lazy to also screenshot the source. thats also a bitch

anyway, i honestly i have no idea if youll find anything helpful here, or if i just used your ask to moan about my struggles but its 3 am over here and honestly this is the best ive got. thank you for the ask though, i do love getting ask even if it takes me two decades to answer them <3

[pinkprincessia-art]

It disappeared before I could reply, but I would love to see more art for Story of Evil. I found you and loved your artwork and style, so when I learned you did Vocaloid aus, I knew instantly I would love anything you produced. So in general I wouldn’t mind seeing any Vocaloid story for FE, but Evillious Chronicles has a hold on my brain so anything pertaining to that would be lovely!

My bad I have a bad habit of deleting txt posts after a bit every now and then

OOo thank you! Hearing that means so much to me!

I used to do alot of Vocaloid type of AU art, when I was younger and it was always so much fun.... and then I stopped for some reason and after a lot of unfortunate life events happened a couple of years I was like "Oh why don't I go back to doing this? I had so much fun, but do it with FE" and its been a bad case of the brain worms ever since.

The Evilious Chronicles have always been my favorite song series... at first I told myself I was just going to go based on the songs and not all of the outside lore (it was tempting! but with this being a side passion project I really didn't and still dont have the time to go and hope I could find good translations read all of the light novels and do a deep dive) But its fine because my idea was "what if pocessed by evil dragon" rather than being the vessel of a sin.

I ended up choosing mostly Nohr siblings (because bias) minus Elise because she is too pure... and I think it ended up being pretty solid. Daughter/Servant of Evil - Corrin Twins (obviously... it really started because I craved a love triangle between Corrin Laslow and Azura.... and it fuels me.

I actually have plans to add illustrations for the Daughter of White. It took me a while to figure out who to put in Haku's role.... and I finally decided on Felicia. It felt the most right.)

Evil Food Eater - Camilla It seemed fun.... and cannibal camilla doesn't feel wrong I ended up giving the Kaito role to Kaze (for morbid shippy purposes)

Gift From the Princess who Brought Sleep - Azura I had a hard time picking for this one, I sat on it because at this point I had already decided I wanted to stick to mostly the Fates cast if I could (minus one). And Elise.... really-really didnt fit any of them the more I played around with it in my sketchbook the more I liked it for Azura! (Also yes I through Laslow in there too because he is my fav and I love him and I stuffed in everywhere I could)

Still working on how I want her dress to look but I like sketching when I have the ideas to come back to later. Corruption of Judgement - Leo

There was just no thought, I knew it had to be Leo. Also yes it means I will be drawing Forrest as "Master of the Court"

Duke of Venomania's Madness - Xander I.. was not sure about this one! But at this point I was pretty much sticking to Royals and those with ties to Nohr. Once again I plan to draw Laslow in Kaito's role because I am predictable and simplistic like that.

Tailor of Enbizaka - F!Robin/Grima The only NONE Fates related one. I could have stuck with it and picked a Hoshidan Princess... but idk I like the idea of Robin slowly descending into madness and murdering chroms family one by one and then him.

Muzzle of Nemesis - ???? I dont remember if I've mentioned this one because I think I might have but I'm gonna try to keep it on the downlow to keep with the whole "Master of the Hellish Yard" Vibes.

Adkadoiaj sorry for the word vomit is that, this is the craziest most involved fan-project I've ever done. And its insane how much thought I ended up putting into it, when at first it just was gonna be all "Ahahha I wanna draw Art-"covers" to my favorite vocaloid songs" Now each one is gonna have a handful of pieces to them.

[queenimmadolla]

Question. What do u think about fics where eddie is cheating on reader? Do u read them? Would u forgive him? I only ask cuz for me once u cross that line i'd never get with u no matter how hard he begs. Idk why but i've seen like 3 Cheating fics today and i dont wanna be hurt. Lol. I wanna say that u have a cheating fic but im not sure.

This is literally the third fucking time I’ve tried to answer this ask because i would type away and tumblr would decided to glitch out to my home screen and erase everything i typed, so please forgive me if I sound aggressive, it’s not towards you at all. I was reading through this ask and thinking “ooh, bestie you’re asking the wrong person cause i have one of those” then i got to the end of your ask lol. I’ve actually been wanting to talk about this for a while so I’m gonna answer you and ramble! numbering them just in case the keep reading thing eats anything (1-5)

1.) I approach these fics with caution. I love angst. Adore it. It is the ultimate plot establisher and mover but i only really like to read angst with happy endings. So I’ll read a fic about Eddie cheating if there’s resolution or if the writer says there will be resolution but there’s only one real way to write a satisfying ending for everyone in this case, although it’s definitely a preference thing as well (whether or not you’d even forgive him because usually people want him dead in this scenario lol). Whether or not I would take him back just depends on how the scenario is written. Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no, but he's also not ever allowed to be happy again in his lifespan or even in death.

2.) Personally, I’m not big on reader forgiving Eddie—even if he seems genuine in his apology—if i haven’t read about him doing enough to be forgiven, you know? Like he’s got to grovel, beg, improve, suffer, chase after reader and go on a fucking journey through the center of the earth, through hell, Olympus, wherever—move fucking mountains to get them back. But usually, you’ll only see a couple of time skips and summaries of what he’s done that we don’t get to see expanded upon. That’s when I’ll go to the comments and see people stating they wish Reader hadn’t forgiven him so easily or something. It’s never the writer’s fault, though. Because writing that satisfactory ending? That’s fucking hard.

3.) I can give you that little summary and probably expand upon it, but actually writing a full fledged resolution? Dialogue? Dictating whether or not Eddie is leaning against a wall when he says something or blinks or licks his lips after his speech, secondary characters, what the fuck is the reader doing at home, are they reading, are they sad, are they on their bed—all those little details that bring the story and characters to life????? They turn that promising summary into something that’ll be over 15k words. And that’s a lot. That’s a lot of dialogue to plan, a lot of movements for characters to make, descriptions of settings, hell even the fucking weather! And it takes FOREVER! That’s why it’s been what, maybe a year almost a year and I haven’t updated To Pieces (but i AM working on it so put down the tomatoes lol). I’ll write out chunks, I’m talking like 4k words and be so dissatisfied with parts or progress because I’ll realize i wrote all that and i still haven’t even gotten anywhere, nowhere near the resolution or meat and potatoes and delete it.

4.) So i don’t blame writers for the time skips or the quick resolution cause it’s really fucking hard to write, kudos to them, give them their flowers. And usually they only do it because people are hounding them for a part two.

5.) But in real life? No. I’m not taking anyone back lol. I’m too hot for that.

Anyways, that was a lot. And that’s what you missed on glee lol.

[creacherkeeper]

writer ask game- tagged by @loved-the-stars-too-fondly !! thank you!!!

What’s your all-time favourite ship?

horrible question to start out with for me cause i dont think i really have one???? i tend to not be as ship-focused as many people in fandom, and also unfortunately am the type of person to get REALLY into things and then many times my feelings dont stay super strong over time. so some Honorary Mentions are shules from psych cause thats probably my oldest remaining ship, ineffable husbands from good omens cause that was my first gay ship, and clintasha from marvel because thats the oldest ship i still have waves of strong feelings about

How many works do you have on AO3?

95, 8 of those being more than 1 chapter/a collection. i also deleted a good handful of fics from older fandoms when i rejoined ao3 in 2015 (i was an early adopter but then left for a while), as well as having a decent amount of fics on ff.net and a fandom specific site from Back In The Day

What’s your total AO3 word count?

just with the fics on there now, 348k. total fics i've written across sites/before deleting was probably closer to 400k. if we're including original fiction / fully rewritten drafts of the same books, i'm definitely over a million

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

hello my old heart (3209 - she ra, touched starved catra 1)

wherever is your heart (1700 - she ra, touched starved catra 2)

you or your memory (1262 - she ra, catradora ptsd exploration)

the memories and scars (1115 - fullmetal alchemist, parental royai and elric brothers fluff)

time take us (773 - she ra, adora chronic pain au)

also shoutout to this untitled good omens ficlet that got 17.5k on tumblr but did not do nearly as well in the ao3 collection lmao

Do you reply to comments, why or why not?

yes, i always do!!! idk it makes me happy to acknowledge the kind things people say ;; and frequently they say stuff in their comments that i want to scream back about or give explanations/behind the scenes for. also i've made friends this way!!!

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

im not super a person to leave off with angsty endings, so in recent memory probably this catra cuts her hair fic that takes place after save the cat. or maybe this fic that is almost entirely claudia thedragonprince whump cause i was really Going TF Through It at the time and had to take it out on someone

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

i tend to go hurt/comfort or bittersweet a lot, but probably the like. just absolute Happiest is heartlines on your hand which was the last in the touch starved catra series and was just. the sappiest sap to ever sap

Do you write crossovers?

the only crossover i've ever done was an agents of shield/air bud crack fic that we DONT talk about. i got fucking bullied into doing it okay

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

not that much honestly? i got a few kind of mean comments on the touch starved catra #1 but also like. that fic got so popular there were bound to be a few. nothing else to my memory?? if there were a few on older stuff i probably just dont remember it at this point lmao

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i really dont lmao. besides not writing a ton of shippy stuff in general, i dont tend to write anything too Spicy. probably the closest i ever got was one short scene in this ineffable husbands 5 + 1 kissing fic that did not do as well as i thought it deserved tbh hahahaha

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of????? yall would tell me right lol

Have you ever had a fic translated?

i wrote a little ficlet about elena aos celebrating a colombian holiday with the team and a colombian friend translated it for their family! but i believe that is it. that ficlet isnt even on ao3 i tried to find it but was unable to. i dont believe anything has been translated for public consumption

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

i don't think so? but i have gotten fanfic for my aos adoption au series!

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

i pretty much write things in one sitting or not at all lmao. i dont tend to take on a lot of series and stick to one shots as well. unless its over 8k i probably wrote it in one day. even the ones longer than that usually took less than a week from start to publication (for example, paladin!aelwyn fic is 15k and took 4 days of actual writing over less than a week to write, edit, and publish)

What are your writing strengths?

i feel like im best at dialogue and tend to get a lot of compliments on in-character voices. dialogue is my favorite to write lmao. i also think im good at describing spacing and movements, because i tend to think like. almost exclusively verbally and like?? physically?? if that makes sense?? when i write i picture almost nothing but i can "feel" what the character is doing. like i imagine making the gestures and everything but dont necessarily see anything as a picture in my head

(fun fact: for actual play fic i actually uh. picture the players acting it out, not the characters in the world. lmao whoops. like the first draft of it at least is 'what does this look/sound like at the table' and then i make it into a fic)

What are your writing weaknesses?

coming from the last question, definitely description, again because i picture almost nothing when i write. i have a VERY VERY hard time thinking with visuals. even when im coming up with description, i just THINK WORDS that would describe something, not picture it. so a lot of time i have to base my description on something or im just like. pulling descriptive words out of my ass with no basis. and the visual of it doesnt always make sense to other people. the other thing i struggle a lot with is action scenes, rip

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i think there's a time and a place and a right way to do it. i think with anything, it's not a "write what you know" but "know what you write". if youre writing someone multilingual, understand how multilingual people actually talk and use those languages. i think the closest i've gotten is "writing signs" for amaya from dragon prince. obviously thats not exactly the same, but for those fics i went back and forth between translating what she was saying, giving the exact signs without grammar, or just describing the movement of the signs. i dont know that i did it perfectly, but i did my best and learned from it. everything in those fics was knowledge i gained from my ASL classes in college (mostly taught by Deaf teachers)

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

technically digimon when i was like 7 years old lmao but first published fic was for avatar in 2007 on ff

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

it definitely changes depending on what i've written recently, but i'm really proud of paladin!aelwyn fic and am still really happy with the catradora ptsd exploration and this self-indulgent ineffable husbands mutual pining fic, but i also will say that writing humor is not always easy for me so whenever i feel like i pulled it off i am very proud of that hahaha

-

tagging @agentcalliope @floralprintshark @beatricexbenedick @marshmallsy @frenchibi @rizguks @strangetorpedos @labelleofbelfastcity

[omgkalyppso]

Fanfic Writer Tag Game

I'm sure this was supposed to be done before the new year but it's 2021 somewhere. @bladesandstars tagged me, thank you for thinking of me!

What's your all-time favorite ship?

I have never loved and thought about a ship as much as my fe3h ot4. I feel like they shouldn't count, since 50%+ of the content is headcanon and self-generated, but claude x lorenz x hilda x fae occupy my mind and will surely represent some huge part of me if or when I'm able to set them down for some new interest. Real ships that would be more comprehensible answers: dragon age's warden* x zevran, and dbz's vegeta x bulma.

*This could be anyone's warden but if it's mine, it's my mage Illusen Amell.

How many works do you have on AO3?

When I started posting for fe3h, I deleted some past works to distance myself from a fandom I'd grown to despise. At this time, 65.

What's your total AO3 word count?

A respectable 532,632.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Please Don't Leave, an M rated overwatch, mchanzo hurt/comfort oneshot.

But How Bad An Idea Was It Really?, an E rated fe3h, sylvain x nb! amab byleth x transmas felix smut fic. It was written as a gift for a friend.

As Many Problems As There Are Stars, an M rated baldur's gate 3, astarion x oc fluff fic.

I Thought You Were Dead, an M rated mass effect 3, shoker hurt/comfort oneshot.

Eligible Means Desirable, Not Qualified, an M rated fe3h, ashe x claude fluff fic. Also written as a gift for a friend.

Do you reply to comments, why or why not?

I used to reply right away, lately it's taken me months. I feel like I have to either earn being able to reply by posting enough or feel like I need to keep the comment in my inbox to treasure before letting it go. I shouldn't do this probably and will try and get back into replying more frequently in the coming weeks.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

I don't write angst. I write hurt/comfort. I have 3 fics with angst related tags but ... I'm a big blubbery baby and I need to write happy endings. I appreciate reading angst, but thus far haven't really stayed with it entirely. I'll say A Little Bit Of Memory even though this isn't one of my fics that uses the angst tag. It's a T rated yurileth fic that takes place four thousand years post canon.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

I'll go with Trust Or Something Like It, which is an E rated syldue fic which was planned to be a smut fic but ended up with a rather long introduction and a very sweet conclusion, I feel. I went into it just looking to write sylvain into a compromising position and I fell in love with their dynamic.

Do you write crossovers?

I don't! But I wouldn't be opposed. I'd be more interested in writing AUs, but crossovers can be fun.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes. I have had to delete 3 comments off my fics. Two were only because of my My Unit OC in the My Unit | Byleth tag. But when I used to read Awakening fic everyone always used the My Unit | Robin | Reflet tag for their My Unit OC's. I stand by it. The other comment was antisemitic.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

17/65 of my fics feature smut! Which is such a smaller figure than I'd expect. I'm very proud of the intimacy I write. Always consensual. Always queer. Often featuring a trans character. And 8/17 of my smut fics feature polyamory as a feature, so I write a fair amount of group scenes.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I've seen my blog on mirror sites before, and so yeah, I think anything I've posted to tumblr has been stolen.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not yet! I'd love to work with someone on this if anyone's interested.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not really. I talk to people and ask for their input, but not to the extent of us each writing a section or working together as co-writers would. I am uncertain if I'm ready for that but there are some people I'd trust.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but dont' think you ever will?

I don't think it counts as a WIP because I have nothing else immediately written down but my fic On The Isle Of Thunder reached a stopping point and at the time was declared to be on indefinite hiatus and still is. It's an M rated world of warcraft, lor'themar theron x oc adventure & romance fic. I was playing the battle for azeroth expansion and I just hated it so much. I don't know that I can ever go back to that universe.

What are your writing strengths?

I'd like to think I'm good at finding character voices. I'll often look at / listen to dialogue to try and get pacing and vocal ticks, expressions and maybe even a canon phrase or two into what I'm writing. I'd like to think I'm good at setting the emotional mood in my smut fics. And maybe I'm good at balancing having a larger number of characters in a scene.

What are you writing weaknesses?

I'm repetitive. I worry I over-describe movement and under-describe atmosphere and setting. I worry the characters I write are unrealistic when I want them to be relatable.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I think that this can be fun, but that writing in the vocal tags that the character is speaking another language but continuing the fic in the same language as originally if the perspective / narrator understands it, or not including the written dialogue if the perspective / narrator doesn't understand it, works just as well. I have used a word or two of various languages in the midst of my fics for the vibe, but I think if you had whole paragraphs that this would be annoying for people using screen readers.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

At all? On paper in a spiral notebook, I wrote a Betty and Veronica fic where they shared a bra because it made them more popular with the boys, but it was extremely Gay. My mother found it and I promised I would never write anything like it ever again (ha!), and I showed her the comic it was based on, where this was the same fucking plot but it was about a blue pick up truck (somehow gayer), because she was worried these events had happened to friends of mine.

Digitally? A wizard fandom that I don't want to mention by name that you can probably guess.

What's your favorite fic you've written?

Unfinished? My E rated fe3h ot4 soulmate au I Wanna Be Yours. I will finish it this year. It's my biggest project on ao3 (135k words so far), and even unfinished, I'm so proud of it. The emotions I wrote in it, the emotions I had writing it... My obsession. My labour of love.

Finished? My G rated fe3h dedue character study written for the CHOP zine Sacred Dedication. I don't know how obvious it would be to anyone I didn't tell overtly, but I ascribed meaning to the colors in his attire based on indigenous significance placed on the colors of a medicine wheel. I studied over a dozen indigenous prayers to inform the prayer I wrote for dedue, and had another native person read it because even then I was worried I might be too influenced by xianity. But I tried to be very sensitive about putting a soft layer of my experience into his beliefs for the sake of this fic, and I'm so proud of the finished product.

Tagging: @allycryz, @sevarix-writes, @recurringwriter, @indigowallbreaker and anyone else who wants to!

Thank you to anyone who read this whole thing.

[deliciouslionporschepatrol]

Love this man so hard, he says he loves me, he shows me he loves me, but in the same breath I am a Villian. Not playing victim telling absolute truth. I am so happy and ain't shit at the same time. I feel 2 inches tall hurting someone I love was never on the agenda hell never thought I was hurting anyone much less him. For him to tell me I lied for 5 years bc I continued conversations over a period of time with a few past men, was painful to hear. I never thought for a million years that was causing a rift between us. I knew he was talking to whoever but I trusted that nothing talked about was disrespectful and I assumed he assumed the same for me. Not once did I talk to these men about anything of any importance to me or about anything about us getting together or meeting up during my entire relationship. Yes I could of blocked them and what not. I guess i felt like if i can see you i can keep control of the situation. Well I went to Walmart and ran into one of those men and he showed his entire ass! For what I still am unsure I can speculate all day but his reaction to me not acknowledging him was over the top to put it mildly. I wouldn't of blamed him for popping the ex cut buddy in the mouth! From that point I decided this can not happen again I deleted everyone blocked texts and calls. And didnt reply to messages. And I was proud of myself I thought I was doing steps I haven't ever done. I was happy and proud. Then he tells me I didnt do shit! My heart sank! He tells me he shouldn't of had to point it out. Before him I never had this issue. So this is new to me and I'm adjusting to being proactive to ppl who haven't done anything yet but bc they may do it at some point or bc the had a past of doing it. So I did the ones I knew and a few and I missed one and now he thinks he isnt number one or my heart or the only one. He doesnt even trust me to go to the store. I have never brought a man into his house never cheated on him never entertained the idea of another man. So I caused him to feel like that. But I've tried to fix it several times I only seem to make it worse. If I get in my feelings I'm defending those niggas when I'm trying to defend myself and my love. My past was fucked up but that was before him I wouldn't ever cheat on him but he thinks I will. I dont know what else to say to him now he telling me he going through my phone and I've never gone through his. Kinda wish I had now. I thought we trusted each other at least that much. Then him to say he knows I'm lying but sadly I dont know how or about what. I may have a clue but we addressed those things. So are those still the same lies or new ones? I haven't changed the narrative. He says he wants me I feel so defeated and beat down he says good that's how he feels. So how do we grow?

[smallblanketfort]

hey, i know this is super weird, but you give good advice so... i've been having a lot of trouble with the concept of love recently. my whole life i haven't been interested in boys or like romantic investment of any sort. but the older i get, the more i see that everyone care so strongly about falling in love... and s*x. like i get it, it's nice but.... why. i look around and i feel like everyone is just thinking about s*x all the time. and (obviously) i feel those feelings too from time p1

to time. and i’m so worried that it’s just gonna control me. where i won’t think about anything else. like is it true that everyone around me is either thinking about s*x or love or feeling aroused all the time? is there any art or beauty outside of love? and the more i think about it, the more it worries me, and the more i feel like i’m being controlled by my sexual/romantic feelings and it’s just a downward spiral

i really don’t want to experience this “love” everyone else talks about. i don’t want to lose myself to it. i want to be who i am, love the things i always have, and have no desire for love or the act of… you know. but obviously i develop crushes, and that scares me. and i’m worried that everything people do is centered around s*x. it’s an irrational fear, and i have no idea how to explain it. i just wish that i could distance myself from any sort of urges or contemplation of what love means

ah a mood! i get this disgusted feeling sometimes when i think about dating in 2018. i know absolutely no one who hasn’t met their s/o on tinder, and in my ventures into it, there’s no part of me brave enough to go forth. and, yes, i have no desire to date 80% of the time, because there’s something almost weak to me about it, about not being independent and so forth… but when i observe healthy relationships (the very few i know of), i know that this isn;t the case. 

so first i’d recommend figuring out what you want out of a relationship. if you’re afraid of losing independence, start there! you want someone who will support you in your individual identity! who will support you in your passions and love and who will give you that space to grow. who will continually show you that there is beauty and love outside of each other. someone who has their own passions. (this is some of my list anyway.)

however, i am 22 now and here is what i have learned:

not every person is the same. you are not the same.but this also means that there are people who are similar, who have similar edges. there are some people who get you. so you might not know someone you’d like that way now, but you might later. you never know.

which is also to say that yeah, some people are horny or at least fronting to be so all the time. are they actually? i highly doubt it, biologically, but they’ll act like it. or, it’s just revealing how they view a certain demographic as purely sexual objects. but that’s not everyone… i think sometimes it’s easier to subscribe to this, to protect your actual self, to avoid vulnerability. it’s easier to seem stronger that way. i have done this. keep being honest with yourself, to recognize when you’re falling down your spiral, and taking a step back, deleting the apps, and recentering yourself.

vulnerability is a gift. practice with your friends. the closer i get to friends, the more at ease i become at the prospect of a romantic relationship. this is to say, the more content i am with singleness, and not in a bitter way. and also, the more patient i am with relationships, because it’ll come as necessary, and when it does, i’ll be better equipped to deal with it. i’ll be a better partner.

partner is a good word.

your partner should help you grow in a good/better direction. otherwise maybe you’re better off as fwb. but that’s just my opinion :)

there are so many types of love. love exists outside of romance. platonic love. love for the planet. love for a pet. love for family. love for art. love for music. love for oceans and mountains and grass and birds and trees and the sky and open windows. love for soft beds. love for causes. love for people around you:love as seeking and recognizing the value in xyz.(rather than just obsession)

i absolutely have a deep fear of relationships centralizing on sex. this really does scare me, and i guess i’m waiting for someone to prove me otherwise. but i’m also finally willing to hold out for that.

but here’s the thing, trying to weave all of the above together: each relationship is unique and yours. this means that you need to be open to discussing things. if you’re falling too deep and need some space, get that space. routinely check in with yourself. i suggest being friends first and then becoming partners so that you know how each other works beforehand. but, of course, this doesn’t always happen, and that’s okay. it’s a process.

which also means no relationship is a waste, even as it ends. things can happen for a reason. make a reason. find a way to grow from it, something to learn, something to help you become better, to help you grow, so that you are closer to exactly who you’re supposed to be when you meet The One.

and speaking of which, john green talked about singleness once and he said that meeting the person you marry will hopefully happen only once. this was really comforting to me, because it made me realize that if someone’s not falling in love with me 24/7 it’s okay. i’m only looking for one moment out of my whole life, and it can happen at any moment, we can’t know. 

in the end, where you are, you can invest in yourself. keep grounding yourself in what you love, in the beauty and love you see/feel around you, in art, in what inspires you. stay grounded and connected. be very honest with yourself.

keep thinking about it. i dont think it’s something we just come to understand, i think it’s an ever evolving process. you’re already doing so so well with these messages. very thoughtful and self aware. keep it up, and remember, this moment isnt forever. hopefully you’ll keep growing through your life and your definitions will keep changing, hopefully for the better.

i hope this helps and please send me any more thoughts! i really really appreciate this discussion.

[quietborderlineinfo]

Hi I have a question or want your perspective on something please. So I've seen myself in other people's descriptions of bpd for a long time. My t thinks I might have it. If I have it it's the quiet type. But there's just some things that I can't see fitting? Or understand how they would be "quiet"? And some of the criteria I only experience very rarely or with certain people. 1/?

alright hey stargazer!

i can totally appreciate how much thought and detail you’ve put into this - i remember being in that place, and its so confusing and frustrating and frankly exhausting. breathe; from what youve said it sounds like your T is paying close attention and wants the best for you. over time, you’ll figure out what diagnosis & treatment(s) may work for you. until then, just focus on getting better one step at a time.

keep in mind that below i just discuss how the things you said relate to the diagnostic criteria, but no one here can diagnose you. definitely talk to your T (and if theyre not a psychiatrist, try to talk to one of those if you have access to a good one, since theyre more inclined to diagnose, in my experience)

also remember that you only need 5/9 for a diagnosis - so two people w bpd may have only 1 overlapping symptom. (so if you dont see yourself in everything you read, thats normal)

For instance 1 (frantically avoid abandonment) only w/ 2 relationships I’ve ever had, and these are more feelings than actions I take 2 (pattern unstable intense relationships) I’ve only had one significant relationship in my life and it was very intense and unstable, but I have no history of it but I also have no history of what I would call “close” relationships. I’m mostly avoidant of them) 2/?

1 & 2: saaame. i once asked a T if never letting yourself feel close to people was a form of attempting to avoid abandonment, and was told that it can be, if that’s why you do it. it can be hard to figure out why you do something you may have always done though, so it helps to both try to analyze past experiences and definitely to try to look at your feelings and how they’re motivating you as you go forward.

I’m not sure on the whole feelings vs actions thing; ask your T cause i think there can be a lot of grey area. and for #2, i had the same experience too; everyone who treated me seemed to think that the one relationship was enough evidence, i guess considering that avoidant behaviour. 

3 (id disturbance) I’m not sure exactly how this manifests or is separate from depersonalization. Like I don’t feel real when I try to engage in hobbies. I only exist when I’m doing things with others and then I feel fake and two dimensional (but this is getting a lot better and I’m afraid that means the symptom isn’t real) I’m not sure of my own hobbies and I have no internal motivations or knowledge base to make my own decisions. 3/?

. I can hardly tell right from wrong a lot of the time and use clues from others to help me. And I can change depending on the people I’m around. Is that what this means? This isn’t all things but some things 4 I am not in the slightest impulsive except if you count the impulsive texts I would send to that one intense relationship to make sure she didn’t hate me every few weeks 4/?

3. so depersonalization is a type of dissociation, so that’d fall under criterion 9. symptoms can get better and that absolutely doesn’t mean that you are now or have ever been faking; remission of symptoms with time and/or therapy is actually more likely than not. not knowing right from wrong is interesting cause at first i thought that was entirely unrelated, but realized it could come from not having an internalized moral system, which would definitely sound relevant.

what does fit the description is both not being sure of your hobbies (esp since it sounds like means youre not sure of what you enjoy/care about?), and changing depending on the people you’re around (if you feel like its more of an internal change than say, changing from business-appropriate speech patterns to something more casual when around friends vs at work).

the wiki page describes ID disturbance really well i think, but if you still have questions, definitely send them your T’s/our way.

4. neither am i, and i was still diagnosed. some people seem to think that it’s one criterion that has to be met though. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it is possible that it manifests only very specifically, like w me I’m only impulsive w self-harm or recklessly crossing the street.

5 (self harm) I’ve cut in the past but I can go years without cutting, but the urge to cut will always surface every few weeks whether I act on it or not 6 (affective instability) not sure I understand this. My emotions are so intense that I have a hard time doing anything but engaging in avoidant behaviors. Focusing on school and work is extremely difficult around my thoughts and feelings, Is that what this means? I can change really quickly too based on one thought or one outside occurrence5/?

Hi stargazer anon again. Sorry I’m all over the place with this I just get confused. So missing might be the part that addressed diagnostic criteria #7. basically yes I experience emptiness. I think The end of message 5 is relating to diagnostic criteria #6 (instability of mood) and message 7 is relating to diagnostic criteria #8 (anger). Sorry it’s a mess. But I don’t think there is anything important in the missing piece. I was just going through each symptom and comparing my experience w/ it

5. that certainly counts! (proud of you for keeping it to a minimum, hope you’re working w your T to eliminate it entirely!)

6. “Patients often describe affective instability as an “emotional roller coaster” that relates to a subjective sense of strong affects and emotions experienced in an uncomfortable, rapid sequence.”

what you described sounds intense, and to clarify the changeability i think it can have a lot to do with reacting really strongly to things in the environment/in relationships. you didnt talk too much about the changes, so id say it sounds like this likely fits, but warrants more discussion just to clarify.

7. aight √

But i don’t get angry at people usually. I used to have this pattern of withdrawing from my relationships because I was convinced they didn’t really like me and I wanted to see if they would come talk to me to sort of “test them” but knowing the whole time that I was a horrible person who didn’t deserve their love anyway and if they didn’t really love me then I didn’t deserve it (though have gotten way better at this with therapy). Is that what is meant by the cold shoulder? 7 I think/?

8. see idk, it’s possible that that’s anger for you, but it sounds like you’ll wanna think more about it. i think cold shoulder is more about refusing to engage someone because you are upset at them. to me, what you described sounds more like fear than anger, but only you can know that. idk about other quiet borderlines but for most of my life I’ve had anger far repressed 🤔

9. (for the sake of completion) depersonalization, which you mentioned in part 2, is a kind of dissociation

Sorry for this essay if not ok just ignore and delete. Sorry I’m just having a hard time cause so much of this feels like me but then so many of the hallmarks don’t at all, or only rarely appear. I think I have aVpd too and it makes it hard to know because some symptoms cloud each other. Thanks can please tag stargazer if you do answer it? 8/8 I think it was?

sorry for taking so long to respond! yeah its useful to have a full discussion with a psychiatrist about this especially when multiple disorders are in question. also remember that as much as we may seek the sense of identity labels can give us, you dont need to fit something specific to have valid pain that deserves to be treated and warrants a break from work.

please let us know if you have any follow-up questions. good luck - it’ll get easier with time & work!

[loi-et-love]

SZ: hi.

first thing first..... T H A N K S ....for so many things... talking to me, being nice to me (even when i was pain in the ass) .... being frank and open..... talking whatever came to your mind (well that you do with everyone) ..... answering to some long emails... with equally wrong emails....

you know i had drafted a mail earlier but had to delete it ... thought might as well write something new and fresh..... and this is what you have done to me ..... When i have free time .... i think "let me write to aditi" ..... sometimes..... i even wake up in the middle of my sleep to check...... if there is any message from you.... but unfortunately only calls or messages i get then at that time are from GC .... some how he just knows when i am busy.... or sleeping in office hours and he will call me..... the joke i tell my mom is "if i want GC to call me ..... i should sleep" and hola ...tring tring ....

initially when we started talking...... i did want to know why is she talking so much to me .... but then i let go of it ..... realized later you are talkative.....

i dont talk to many people..... and i dont remember when i had written 100 odd emails .... to someone ...... i guess there have been days when we have completed more than 50 odd emails in a single day.... like today we are already near 42......

two reasons i dont talk to many people in office is 1) my last name: they have pre concieved notion about me and feel uncomfortable talking to me ...... and i dont like when people are uncomfortable .... and they do make it previous obvious

2) whatever little interaction i have had with some ..... i just dont connect... i dont feel the need to ... or in simpler words..... i dont find anyone else interesting enough

yes i like you,.... want to know you..... but i want to know you at your pace and your convenience .... i am not in a hurry..... but then its like you kind of sweet like an ice cream..... and i get worried... what if it just melts away .... so i want to know things about you......

all those questions hanky panky and all is just to get you open up..... as i always say.... i was also 24 for one full year..... and i know things that happen.... i am no saint either.... and i had a car since i was 16..... so had my share of back seat action too....

sometimes...... its obvious that i am the distraction .... that keeps you away from ex......... sometimes.... its just that ... you have too much stored in yourself ...... and you dont have the channel to release it all..... so you just treat me like an "agony uncle" or lets say punching bag.... i am ok with that.....

And you are currently occupying lot of my mental space..... whether is sleeping or awake ....

like today i didnt need to send the photo which i sent in morning ...... or didnt need to think about you when i saw rainbow ..... didnt need to go for walk ..... i went yesterday also .... the reason : well yesterday i knew you would be busy from 6-7 while driving to go home and today i knew you would be sleeping while i was awake so i thought might as well go for a walk

talking sarcastically or flirting or being funny is natural to me and so is the serious attitude.... seen a lot of things in life....

you dont like flirting we can always stop.... it will be difficult but i can stop.... no more checking out .... btw its not the ass which i check out first in a lady....... its something else

chalo will send across this email when you are back from lunch..... and done with your work

ohhhh last thing ..... you are B E A U T I F U L ....enjoy have a nice day .

I: God!! nobody is ever going to let me read this email with full concentration. *angry face*

Will you stop thanking me?? I didn't do anything FOR you. i'm selfish that way. So stop!! I did everything because I wanted to. I didn't do any favors for you. I talk to you because i like talking to you. I'm nice to you because you have been nice to me (no indecency). I'm frank and open... Well, that's just who I am. I speak my mind. And I respond to your long emails because I love talking to you and I love long emails. Long emails signify how much willing you are to talk to me. It shows your effort, that you are ready to type so much because you so much to say.

Maybe you can send me that email you deleted. I would want to read everything you type to send me because that's what you wanted to say to me.

I know how you feel. you have done the same thing to me too. I was late for lunch and made Kaalu and H sir wait becasue I wanted to finish writing an email to you.

It's true that I am talkative but I don't talk soooooo much with everybody. I'm friendly with everyone but not everybody is my friend. So, I talked so much with you because I chose to and not because I have a compulsive need of talking.

And BTW you spoke to me first. I had my seat changed and you had asked me something. I think you had asked me what I do here, etc. and then why my place was changed. I remember it was dark and there was nobody in the office except you and me and you were filling your water bottle and laughed (that cute laugh I love) when I told you that because French Translator and I talk a lot they changed my place. (I know it was silly of me. I didn't even care that you're a C (last name) and I shouldn't have and I should've maintain a decorum with you)

"i dont talk to many people" Tha'ts what Kaalu said, you don't talk to too many people. And if you talk, nobody hears your voice. So, it's more or less like you don't talk at all.

And those days are the best days where we write over 50 emails to each other.

I know why you wouldn't talk to people here in OIA. I saw and felt how lonely you are. and then you talked to me one day and I felt "god! ye accha baat karta hai. Decency toh baapre.. chalakti hai!! Has a nice soothing, amazing voice. English mast hai." And then Idk how and when I started talking to you. I don't remember. All I know is that I must've blabbered a lot for no reason, forcing you to be in the conversation. Do you remember how I started talking to you so much after you spoke to me once? (answer me) I actually you spoke to me twice. once ws in the elevator when we were going down. I think we started talking about cars and books when we would leave. And then you would advise me like an uncle to drive safe and use this direction than the one I use. Ufff... how annoying I found you then!! Treating me like I'm 10!

So, as i was saying i thought u r introvert n shy n lonely n dont have many friends here. but i was happy to see you chitchatting with anand sir then.. Sometime in february i think. I was relieved..

I don't understand what preconceived notions they would have about you.

People know you're C because you speak THEIR language. (That's how I found out). I would always see you talk with Kapil. And I wud make a face like why does this man have to talk to him (Atul), bichara.. paka raha hoga Atul ko! But then i found out u r a Chaturvedi and I slapped my forehead. Like whyyyyyyy............... But then your last name never felt like a hindrance for me. You last name never bothered me. Is that strange for you? (answer me)

So, you know how I feel about you not being here right now? So, you know how I feel about you leaving? There is nobody interesting in this office. There's nobody who reach my standards and actually hold a conversation with me. You have no idea how ecsatic I was to talk to you everytime!! I would wait for NL to leave so that I could talk to you. But you would shoo me away like a dog.. :( That did hurt me when you continued to do it for a few days but I didn't say anything because i know you didn't mean it

You have to ask questions to know me. Don't ask me questions about what hanky panky I have done. I won't answer that. i don't kiss and tell. I told you about Aditya. I told you I have daddy issues. You figured out I have trust issues. It takes time to get to know people. And it's more fun when you get to know them as the time passes by. Fast-fast karne me koi mazaa nahi hai. I have been very fast in my life and i've realized this now and i always prefer to go slow.

I want to get to know you too. You conceal so much behind this fluffy (hehehe) exterior. But it takes time.

You are not the distraction. Dude. I have many distractions. Do you think you are the only person in the office I flirt with? Think again! Yeah, it's true that you are the only person I actually enjoy flirting with!! ('im not buttering you up here)

Nobody can keep me away from BB. BB and I... We have the strangest chemistry. We wouldn't talk to each other for months (which felt like years) and we'd gravitate back to each other. It's just how it is. Nobody can stop what's happening between me and him. and you're not a distraction. I don't use humans anymore. not that person anymore.

This is true "you have too much stored in yourself ...... and you dont have the channel to release it all" But you aren't my agony uncle or punching bag. I have just been awfully mad at you, once !! Just once!!.

You are just completely different for me. You hold the weirdest place in my life. Never anticipated to go this far. I didn't know you'd give me your number and i would chat with you like its the end of the world!!

And you are currently occupying lot of my mental space..... whether is sleeping or awake .... --> i don't want to ruin the moment, but i do do this to alot of people. What you said in another email that i have made your boring life here in OIA, interesting and now you look forward to it. There was this intern (also Adi, he's a southernese) he too said the same thing. He wasn't somebody who would talk a lot but with me, we would talk for 9 hours straight for 2-3 weeks! He didnt have any work and nor did I. and he still cannot believe it. Yeah, so i do have an effect on people. (I won't say i dont enjoy it. i jsut hope it turns out to be a good experience for them)

If you thought about me when you saw the rainbow, then i think of you everytime i see XUV on the street. I wait for you to text me on whatsapp. I come to work and I check my email first for any email from you.

Today when i came to work, i really thought that you're lying n u have come back n you'll come to work today.

" it will be difficult but i can stop" --> really? it'll be difficult???

What's the first thing you check out in a girl? and what's the first thing u checked out in me?

"ohhhh last thing ..... you are B E A U TI FUL ....enjoy have a nice day ." --> i have to hug you for this. There's a way of saying things. it also matters who is saying to you.

I'm too disturbed after wat NL said yesterday. I jsut want to go to him anymore.. i'm not Veena or Marina. Nor do I behave that way (although i did speak things with you, i hit on you, that's different. but really, i didn't do it with NL)

"ohhhh last thing ..... you are B E A U TI FUL ....enjoy have a nice day ." --> you made my day. (you too have an effect on me, okay. you just don't realize it, although I say it out loud so many times) this made me smile shyly. main sharmati nahi hu.. thank you :*