#no i will not explain my brain didnt gave me an explanation either

[nerdygayheretoday]

Welcome to my sleep deprived thought that I just had:

Pantera and ABBA are very similar

[orenjibot]

Haha. I was like mega flipping my shit over it on twit cause i’m still working stuff out in my brain but!

Turns out i might also be autistic. Like mild autism perhaps.

Like… i always thought it was just an adhd thing? But it would make sense if i have both cause there were a few things i couldnt explain about myself in very small ways with just my adhd in particular.

But it would make sense if it was autism cause it also explains why i would always analyze smth like i was picking it apart to understand it. It was never smth i just understood without words, i had to actively pick things apart to understand it? I thought i was curious but no it was because i couldnt understand how the world works so i WANTED to understand. I get incredibly frustrated when i cant understand smth at all. It makes no sense and it hurts me and angers me i dont get it. I get insanely angry! Like irrationally so!

In turn i realized how that thinking and putting things in to set categories and patterns in my head has caused me to misunderstand a lot of social situations too. Like its not too bad but i defs mistake ppl’s intentions and stuff bc the way they word things isnt clear to me (taking things literally/at face value).

I also realized this mindset has also influenced how i saw regular human things like bonds of any kind and how i expect ppl to treat me bc i thought these are normal things i took very literally. Like i only understood jokes as things ppl say to be funny and used in any other situations like directed @ me means u are making fun of me and DISRESPECTING me… when all they wanted to do was make a joke and be light hearted.

Idk if this counts as autism but i also misunderstood friendship like just vibing with each other isnt rly friendship cause to be friends u usually have to do more than that. This is largely driven by the fact i, personally, had to put in more work into friendships due to being horribly neurodivergent and not understanding how to talk to ppl too (being bullied was also a factor). A friendship to me is one where u have to understand me and not just me understanding you so anything else that isnt just that isnt rly a friendship to me so i approached every friendship like i have to understand how ppl worked in order to be friends with them. This is apparently NOT a normal thing people do. This can also be attributed to my adhd and is likely more cause it, but the fact i didn’t understand that friendship wasn’t so… give and take made me realize how much pressure i was putting on others to understand me, i just thought that was normal and like a given cause i do it, why can’t you? I took everyone not giving me that as a sign of either disrespect or disinterest and took it as “oh u want a shallow relationship with me”. Like i took friendship too seriously when i shouldnt have.

There were also gestures i took as negative and hostile, and triggering my RSD but also that it didnt adhere to what i understood what being friends was. I figured I was weird and oddly sensitive about interactions, but i did find it really really weird how it was very specific and particular gestures. I cant understand it so it is making me UNCOMFORTABLE; less like “man idgi” and more “this is making me feel so incredibly HURT and uncomfortable that i feel like crying”.. to the level of wanting to cut off ties or discarding them entirely.

It now made me reevaluate what happened between me and ann as well. Like, yeah, i DONT think what she did was nice or correct but the treatment i gave her was too drastic without explanation. I don’t feel the need to be her friend or approach her since she didnt try to approach me either (also blocked me at one point after i unblocked her so yah lol). She never said that i misunderstood her at all, i was the one always having to do that?? And i kinda didnt like that… and she was giving a lot of…. Yellow and a few red flags. Like it was hard to approach her to let Her Know she did smth wrong cause she always took it so dismissively/defensively too. If anything, i do think i should apologize to her for not realizing that a lot was because i didnt realize i was autistic, but sadly i don’t feel the need to wanna chat with her unless she does so first or the occasion comes up. I have always felt the need to apologize for her for that cause that was indeed my fault, but… Im also kinda petty and stubborn so i want her to actually apologize instead of like? Be a pussy lmao. Like I forgive her more for her response then, but i still didn’t like how she casually threw me aside for being direct. Like that was a HUGE deal for me cause my exfriend did that and acted like NOTHING happened. Like bro… i was very hurt man by you doing that even in a normal situation 😭

Anyways….

I took a few tests to rly be sure it is a mild thing and not some misreading. And they all came out mild/moderate… its like high but not definite severe. It is very close to it so im like.. well fuck.

I will go get a diagnosis at one point but realizing this made me just…. Realize so much things. Like it all just… clicked.

I feel like i should apologize to cam about that too.. just a whole bunch of things.

[omegawolverine]

I know you posted it days ago but you said something about wanting to rant about either karl or his fanbase and its been itching at my brain. Ive no clue whats happening or what is happening at all cause no one seems to be making clear points?? Or explaining anything?

Obviously you do NOT have to talk about it im sure it might be a sore point to rant because people can get SO needlessly rude to others over it. But if you want to idk explain? Just rant? Im definetly curious what it was over or about.

The "you dont need to talk about this" is amplified by the fact i am DAYS late and you are probably over it by now.

okay hi yes im happy to talk about this but i think i should preface with two things:

1) even tho it may seem like im biased towards him or being very defensive of him im actually a super casual karl viewer and the only reason i am super defensive of him sometimes is bc we act a lot alike irl and that is mainly because of our neurodivegency. when i say a lot i mean we share traits like "annoying" stimming (jumping around, making loud noises, repeating the same phrases until everyone is sick of hearing them), the difficulty reading situations, the very obvious issues with volume control and not just bouncing from subject to subject to subject as we fucking please. basically anything you've seen karl do on stream that is Very Neurodivergent ive done the same in my own way which is why i get defensive when i see people calling him annoying or saying they dont like him, usually for these types of reasons. that being said, when i say im a very casual karl viewer, i fucking mean it. i usually only watch him when he's streaming with other ccs i like or when he's doing chill alt streams bc even with the annoying donos, he's pretty relaxing and comforting when he's just fucking around by himself and he isnt trying to get as hype as he would on a main channel stream. so yeah, it may seem like im biased and sure, i guess i am on some level, but it's not coming from a place of me hyperfixating on him or me even loving him as a cc, it's coming from me being a neurodivergent who likes him just enough to get upset when i see people basically being casually ableist towards him.

2) i dont have all the facts or even a great understanding on what the fuck has been happening recently with his "drama"...mostly bc he talked about it on his priv, which im not on, and people are gatekeeping the tweets, as they always do, and basically making you "dm to see them" (which is already a problem in and of itself bc apparently in these tweets he said he didnt want them being ss and shared, yet they are being shared thru dms over and over and over again like. at that point just stop withholding the information and post the fucking shit, you clearly dont care that he said "dont share"). additionally, most of the threads ive seen on this situation havent actually explained the initial issue, just talked about his apology (a lot of people have said "it's bad" but havent said why and with no screenshots ((i havent asked for someone to dm me them and i still havent seen them posted, which is mildly surprising, but incredibly frustrating at this point)), i only have a few basic details i can actually assess it on) or they talked about the initial issue in very vague details so um. excuse me trying to explain this now, but ill try and make it make sense with how little ive actually pieced together.

(oh, also, here's my first rant about the ableism in this fandom which is way more broad. this is a pretty different rant from that one, but they're both pretty big reasons why i hate this fandoms treatment of karl)

so basically the problems started with mr beast being apart of a charity stream that donated either to autism speaks or to a similar company, im unsure on that part. im also unsure on if the people participating in the stream actually knew of this or not bc, from what i remember, the money was being donated to a separate organization that was like. under the bad company or some shit like that, idk how stuff like that works and also i read about this shit months ago bc this originally happened months ago and just sorta came to a head recently.

anyways, i think karl was supposed to be apart of this stream but pulled out of it right before (that or these were two separate streams and karl was supposed to participate in the first but pulled out while mr beast did both?? idk. regardless karl did not actually participate, just mr beast). from there people started doing the guilt from association bullshit they always do, this was also doubled by the fact that the chris being racist stuff came out sometime around then and basically he got dragged all over twitter for "being ableist" and "supporting racists" and i cant remember if he actually apologized when this originally happened or not. i vaguely remember him apologizing about something back then but i genuinely dont know if it was this or something else.

basically that died down eventually, a good chunk of people unstanned him but him and honktwt didnt end up getting the lovely lil technotwt treatment and they still havent yet, surprisingly. good for them honestly ajsksk

but now we get to the past few weeks and apparently something happened with him "laughing at someone saying the r slur" (it was mizkif, i believe), specifically when it was directed at other people, which is a big yikes, obviously, but when karl was called out for this a lot of people kind of. made this into a situation that it wasnt bc um. basically karl didnt laugh at it, he gave a few nervous giggles, as people often do when in a situation like that (and karl specifically said he does this in the one part of his apology tweet which i did stumble upon, although it wasnt the important part of the apology thread bc why would it be) and people fucking crucified him for it. they quite literally dragged a neurodivergent man for supposedly "laughing at the r slur" when he can literally reclaim it and also he was just nervous laughing.

and this is where the situation just gets really bad because they. basically forced him to admit that he was autistic on his priv to apologize for this. i havent seen the screenshots of him saying this, but i saw people discussing it and i am frankly so fucking pissed about this because sure, it was a bad situation, and i understand people wanting an explanation, but an apology? for a neurodivergent man nervous laughing at a slur he can reclaim? and then forcing the man to admit something he literally said in that tweet he didnt want people to know which is why people were being so gatekeepy about it while also LOUDLY discussing the situation, as if that wouldnt drive MORE PEOPLE to look for screenshots and ways to get ahold of this information? and then people had the audacity to call it a "bad apology" when they had quite literally just violated his privacy by forcing him to admit something that he shouldnt have needed to share in the first place if he didnt want to, which he didnt.

and this is why im so pissed off. karl is already constantly picked at and made fun of and called annoying for his neurodivergent traits, things which he literally cant help, things which are generally harmless, and now he was forced into a situation where he can now be further picked at and made fun of and called annoying bc they forced him to admit something private instead of just understanding and accepting that he had been nervous laughing at someone using a slur he has definetly been called for his neurodivergency.

tldr of my thoughts: yes i think karl needed to address this situation, it definetly looked bad, but twitter stans have this sense of entitlement with their ccs and because of that, they consistently take it way too far and harm the people they claim to care about so dearly. we've seen it happen time and time again with dream, but this is the first time ive seen them basically force someone to out themselves to make their apology "valid" and most of them still seem to not want to accept it anyways, which just makes me feel bad for him bc now that info is out their and people are just disregarding it to continue "holding him accountable".

anyways, i think that's all i can really say on this topic rn tbh, if anyone else knows this situation better please feel free to lmk clarifications and ill add them in since, like i said, i know fuck all thanks to twitter being so goddamn hush hush about the important details while simultaneously being the loudest mfers about how much they hate karl now instead of just fucking unfollowing and moving on.

thanks for the ask and im sorry if this is confusing!! i just think this is one of those weird situations where like. i think karl deserved some criticism for what happened and how he handled it or at least he shouldve been asked to address it but that just. isnt what happened, at all. he was harrassed. karl got harrassed and because of that he handled this situation even more sloppily than he probably wouldve and exposed private info about himself that he didnt feel comfortable doing and it just. fucking sucks tbh.

[corellianbrandy]

Caught up on episodes 2-16 of The Bad Batch this weekend and these are my thoughts as I watched

1. Love how tarkin has aged like 40 years since we last saw him approximately four-to-six months ago in the clone wars. Like I’m not kidding I genuinely love it

2. Whenever little omega gets out of the ship and sees sunlight for the first time and is so excited about dirt 🥺

3. The scary scary nexu 🥺🥺🥺🥺 so cool

4. The empire just immediately making everyone’s lives miserable ie giving everybody a chain code and shit. You’re right Dave Filoni we SHOULDN’T have social security numbers.

5. CID FUCKING RULES LMFAO. Cathy Bates lizard ass mob boss bitch. Echo knows her as ‘a contact of the Jedi’ which coming from him probably means less ‘the Jedi’ in general and more just ‘Obi-Wan and Anakin’. Cid clearly liked the Jedi, but Anakin I can’t imagine having that much patience to deal with her and he probably just interacted with her out of necessity but Obi-Wan. Imagine her and Obi-Wan interacting.** The flirting. The mind games. They were probably in love.

6. I always know that I personally am going to have a great time whenever the Zygerians show up because they always bring the Peak Weird Scifi Ralph Mcquarrie 70s vibes with them and they did NOT disappoint. The flying lizard vs. rancor fight gave me the strength I needed to go on another day

7. Speaking of the rancor like I knew it was going to be a rancor as soon as we saw the cage but I wasn’t expecting it to be THEE rancor.

8. Furthermore. Lost it at thee rancor making puppy dog heart-eyes at omega as it’s being led away to be chained up under Jabba’s palace to eat Jabba’s enemies for the rest of it’s life until Luke finally kills it in 4ABY.

9. Everybody climbing through the ion engine core was COOL SO COOL. My little nerd brain really loved that. “This is actually a marvel of engineering. This steel coating is capable of withstanding -“ “NO ONE CARES!” 💯💯💯💯 Exactly how I would’ve written it A+++++++

10. The fucking rattlesnake wild west music that aggressively plays every time Cad Bane is on screen. What’s better than this.

11. Cad Bane’s entire new gunslinger cowboy outfit. Everything to me.

12. I love all these deep seeded reasons we’re getting for why the storm troopers SUCK. 1. Being the entire idea to use them in the first place was based off a misunderstanding made after one(1) experimental mission where it’s interpreted that they’re better than the clones when the clones were the reason for the mission’s success in the first place and 2. How a lot of the first-wave storm troopers were trained by the clones who either didn’t want to train them and didnt do a great job on purpose or did it but personally left out a lot of info and skills. Pretty fascinating explanation for protagonist armor while also making a statement about the inefficiency and insincerity of institutional evil/bureaucracy (I guess).

13. Holy shit did NOT LIKE THE CLAUSTROPHOBIC ENDING AAAAAHHH. Like the facility on kamino floating to the bottom of the sea. Kill meeeeeeee. Very cool visuals though.

14. One thing I didn’t like was all of the stuff with Crosshair. It was all just so contrived and weird and didnt make any sense and really just brought the show down in the end, writing-wise. Honestly, most of the stuff regarding the clones’ story arch after their interaction with the guy on Ryloth who still had his armor painted, where we’re supposed to just assume his inhibitor chip . . . didn’t work or something? But instead of anyone bothering to tell him what’s going on after such a big deal was made out of the chips the episode right before this, it’s treated like some kind of moral choice the guy is making kinda took me out of the story severely. And even more so when the same guy manages to talk a bunch of other clones out of working for the empire too. Like can they do that? We’ve had this idea that these chips essentially mind control you repeated to us over and over so wtf. There was no coherent explanation for any of it. Maybe it’ll be explained later somewhere else, but still. Weird to do it this way. They needed to be more consistent with what a horrible scary thing those chips were instead of doing whatever that was. But up until then it was a lot of fun sci-fi.

14. Every minute cody doesn’t show up in one of these post war 66 shows i get more and more excited for him to show up dramatically in kenobi

**Like fr picture it it’s year 2 of the clone wars. Anakin and Ahsoka are sitting at the space mahjong table in Cid’s parlor bored as fuck and ready to leave but Obi-wan is still in cid’s office. it’s hour four and they’re only halfway through orchestrating the most unnecessarily elaborate and convoluted deal for a piece of information like “where is cad bane the last time I saw him he stole my wallet and car keys and he refuses to return them yes my car got blown up but that’s not the point It’s The Principle Of The Thing.” Literally everyone around them grew bored of all of this 3 hours ago but not obi-wan and cid. This is what they do for fun and they are both having the time of their lives. Anakin this war is stressful some of us are trying to relax

[the-kipsabian]

hi im gonna vent about something here sorry in advance a quick talk about my mental issues and my mom so you know what youre getting into

if your child has an illness and you know it, as a parent you should be able to tell them that and talk to them about the issue by its real name instead of just masking it as something else, much more minor and make it for the kid so much more difficult to correct

i know its scary to figure out your kid has something - be it mental or physical - wrong with them, but you should always. ALWAYS. tell the child that in the correct terms and let them be the judge of it whether or not they want to be the one telling ppl with that knowledge that ‘yeah i have x’ or just mask it all behind one of the visible symptoms instead of telling the full story to whoever

cause if you see your child struggle with heavy mental things like anxiety induced by the fear of social situations, up to the point where its. literally running the child’s life to the ground for multiple reasons (no friends, bullying, bad results in school, etc.), just telling the child that ‘oh yeah its just because youre shy’ while fully knowing whats actually going on cause youve enlisted them to see multiple therapists about this problem and openly call them therapy sessions around the child, have their medical records at your disposal, etc. is actually super fucking harmful on the long run

i went from. the first grade to maybe two years ago being the most socially awkward, anxious bean ever. thats about 19 years of struggling with the same issues, most caused by the crippling social anxiety i had outside home - i couldnt talk to like any adults other than my immediate family, when there were more than maybe two other kids around i shut out, etc. i just. couldnt do any of that, and it was always masked as ‘oh youre just a very, very shy child!’ up to literally the point when i turned 18 and could see the schools counselor without the school alerting my mom about it where he actually gave a fucking real name to it like ‘oh you have some form of social anxiety’ and i was like -cue that shocked pikachu meme here-

i went through three different types of therapy as well. all of that being called some type of therapy openly by my mom and others around me (up to the point where my aunt was literally like ‘is your daughter insane’ and im like. yeah okay i guess), but how was is ever explained to me as a youngling ranging from ages 12 to 15? (also yes. i struggled with this since i was 7 and yet i didnt get any help for it before after i was 12 when it apparently only really became a problem despite being there years before that too wowwowwow) ‘youre going to this thing that’ll help you with your shyness’

i mean.. i kinda get it. to a child its easier to explain things via the more notorious symptoms. but it was always more than that to me in my head. like no, just shy kids dont get stiff with fear when they need to read a ready paragraph on their seat in class from a book literally in front of their face, or lift their arm up in class to maybe get picked to answer a question. they dont get called randomly and freeze the fuck out and just stare at their desk trying not to cry cause they know the answer but they just cant force the sound out of their throats. no. shy kids still most of the time manage to do that shit. kids with social anxiety however? a whole lot a different story

what im getting at here is that since the very beginning, it would have been so much better for me, me seeking help to this, and actually managing with it, if i would have known the actual name for what was wrong with me (like do you know how much easier it is for me now to say to ppl that ‘oh btw i have an anxiety disorder that kicks in with social situations so if im off thats it’ instead of just being like ‘oh sorry im shy’ and getting pushed over my limits cause ppl think that’ll help me) instead of it just being framed as something else cause, im guessing as i have no actual idea about this and no im not going to ask my mom about it cause she doesnt know about me currently going in therapy either, it was supposedly easier to explain to a child than giving them the actual name or full explanation of the thing that was actually wrong with their brain

kids arent dumb yall. and especially if youre a goddamn parent of a child that has any sorta problems, you should be able to talk with that child the way they deserve. openly and honestly and be truthful to them. hiding things from them wont do anything but hurt them on the long run, no matter what you think. youre only defending your own feelings by doing it, and thats not gonna do them any good either

[distractedhistotech]

Ghost +1

Sydney was in the back of the van.  She preferred it back there since she could move around more.  Plus it felt weird staring out the window since losing her eye. She guessed it was the loss of depth perception.  She was still learning how to gauge distance.

“So, that was kind of lame.  Why did they think that guy was a ghost anyway?” asked Sydney as she tried to contact juggle some balls they had and dropped them all over the place.  “He didn’t even put a lot of effort into his costume.”

“They were really superstitious,” said Arthur.  “Only a few steps from being a cult when you think about it.  They decide that anything strange has to have a supernatural or spiritual cause.  Don’t even think there’s a scientific explanation because why couldn’t it be something that proves they’re right.”

“Arthur, you’re starting to ramble,” interrupted Vivi.

Arthur blushed. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. They were a bit…extreme,” admitted Vivi. “I can see why it would upset you.”

Mystery decided this was a good reason to lay his head on Arthur’s lap.  Sydney then flung her arms around him.  “Yeah!  I thought they were creepy too!”

“Sydney!  I’m driving!”

“Pretty sure they thought I was an idiot,” continued Sydney.  “I mean that tone they used with me was just insulting!  Just because I’m missing an eye doesn’t mean I’m an idiot! Lots of people are missing parts and are smart!  I’m not a pirate!”  Sydney paused.  “Actually, there were some pretty intelligent pirates.  I don’t know where I was going with that.  I seem to come back to pirates a lot lately.  I know why I do, but it’s getting kind of old.  I need to find something else to obsess with when I get riled up.”

“You could go back to talking about comics,” suggested Vivi.

Sydney sighed. “Yeah, I miss that…Why do I have so much trouble bringing comics up nowadays?  It used to be second nature, but now I have to focus to talk about them. Even though I still love comics. It doesn’t make sense.  Is this part of growing up?  Part of recovering from a traumatic event?  Both?  It feels like something’s wrong.  But isn’t that normal now?”  Sydney rested her forehead on the back of Arthur’s head, not noticing how hard he was gripping the steering wheel.  “Do you ever feel like that?”

“Yes,” said Arthur. He’d felt like it since he woke up in a hospital missing an arm, missing a friend, missing memories, missing so much… “I don’t think it’s gonna go away.” Mystery let out a whine and licked one of Sydney’s hands.

Vivi looked between the two as the mood quickly started to darken.  God, she just wanted her two friends to be happy like they used to be. She needed to find a way to change the subject and make them smile.  “Why don’t we pick up a couple of pizzas or something and then watch a couple of hours of Star Trek or Star Wars or Captain America?”

Arthur caught on to what she was trying to do and smiled.  “That would be nice.  It’s been a while since we hung out.”  He frowned. “That’s my fault.”  He’d been busy looking for Lewis.  He was trying not to ignore his remaining friends, but it was hard when he wanted to find the other one and mentioning him did…something to them.

“What the heck are you working on anyway?” asked Sydney.  “You’re not usually this secretive.  You’re not trying to make a mechanical eye again, are you?”

“No!...Not usually anyway,” admitted Arthur.

“I can see where he’s coming from,” said Vivi.  “I don’t think we can buy another eye if something else goes wrong.  We need an alternative method.”

Sydney shuddered. “Okay, point taken.  Being blind sucked.  I don’t know how someone can live with that for a lifetime. Especially if you’re born like that! Can you imagine never knowing colors? And I bet light doesn’t make a lot of sense either.  And you can’t play videogames!”

“Can’t work on cars or fabricate parts,” continued Arthur.

“Probably can’t paint either,” mused Vivi.  “Unless the various colors smelled different from one another.”

Sydney wrinkled her nose.  “Is-Is that a thing?  And I don’t mean synesthesia!  Can blind people have synesthesia?  Or deaf people?  Or anyone missing one sense?”

“What if sounds are linked to smell instead?” suggested Arthur.

“Can that happen?”

“Dunno.  Maybe.”

“Pigments are just a type of chemical compound, so it would make sense for them to have a scent,” said Vivi, keeping the conversation from veering off in a completely different direction for once.

“Depends on the chemical.  Some don’t have a scent, or at least the scent is too faint for humans to pick up on,” explained Arthur.

“I dunno, I swear I was smelling more right before you fixed my eye,” argued Sydney.

“It’s not quite the same thing.  When you lose a sense you pay more attention to the ones that are left, like reassigning roles.  We get the most information from sight, so when someone loses their sense of sight they pay a lot more attention to little things that they didn’t even realize they were ignoring.  Also, I think there’s some neuroplasticity involved.  Your brain isn’t using the part that used to be for putting together what your eyes saw, so it starts using it for other things over time.” Arthur was silent for a moment. “Um.  But you, uh, would know better than me, given, you know.  Sorry, I got a little too into the science papers I’ve been reading.”

Sydney smiled and shrugged.  “It’s fine. I think it’s pretty interesting, even if I don’t understand all of it.”  She tapped her eyepatch.  “Does losing an eye affect how much of my brain it uses?”

“Just one?  I’m not sure.  You are seeing less…”

“Can you still smell and hear more than you’re used to?” asked Vivi.

Sydney shrugged. “Dunno.  I don’t think so.  Was kind of distracted at the time.  Plus, everything looked different when I could see again.”

Vivi huffed. “It is just so unfair.  How is it that my abilities still haven’t manifested but my half of the eye lets you see spirits?”

“It is really strange,” agreed Sydney.

“Maybe it’s because your abilities are already active,” suggested Arthur.  “And you do have some control over ‘em.”

Vivi hummed in thought.  “That might be it.  There are still so many unknowns…”

“Hey, I don’t care how as long as no one else has to go blind,” said Sydney.  “Besides, I’m sure something will wake you up eventually.”

“Yeah, but what if I’m like 40 when it finally happens?” complained Vivi.  “Heck, if I have kids by then, they might have gotten their power before me…”

Arthur winced. “Do you want kids?”

Vivi nodded. “Of course!  One, maybe two.  I just have to find the right guy,” she said, giving Arthur a significant glance.

Arthur missed said glance entirely as he was distracted by thoughts of what could have been. Sydney was blind on that side. The only one to notice was Mystery, who huffed.  Why did life have to be so difficult for these kids?  The last time he’d had charges this prone to trouble…

It hadn’t ended well. Mystery would rather not dwell on the depressing memories.

Vivi realized her hint had gone over their heads yet again and decided to just move on.  “Do you guys want kids?”

“I want one!  So there can be a Sydney Scoville III!” proclaimed Sydney.  “But just one.  Don’t think I could handle more than that.”

Arthur was silent. Lewis wanted kids.  He’d be an amazing father with how well he handled his sisters.  “I dunno if I want children.  I don’t want to pass on any of my issues.”

Vivi and Sydney both frowned at Arthur’s reasoning.  “Most of your issues are due to your early upbringing,” pointed out Vivi. “You wouldn’t make those same choices and mistakes.  That would prevent most of those issues from happening.”

“They could still pick up the behavior from me,” argued Arthur.  “There’s only so much that I can change.”

“I don’t think you need to change,” said Sydney.  “I mean, yeah, you’ve got anxiety issues, but lots of people do.  You’re also smart and nice and help people and have cool hair and stro-”

“What if I attract something dangerous?” interrupted Arthur.

“Then I’ll just keep living nearby,” reasoned Sydney.  She’d live with him if he asked.  “I mean, I don’t see why I would leave Tempo.”

“Me either. Tempo is our home,” agreed Vivi. She placed a hand on Arthur’s flesh and blood hand.  “We’re stuck with each other.  For life.”

Arthur felt himself cheer up a bit at that.  He gave Vivi a smile and tried to give Sydney one as best he could.  Maybe he was being selfish, but he wanted to stay close to his friends.

And then the dashboard started to spark.  Arthur’s eyes widened.  “What?! No, no, no…”  He stomped on the gas several times but failed to pick up speed.

Vivi frowned. “Is something wrong with the van?”

“There shouldn’t be! I just performed maintenance on it!”

Sydney raised an eyebrow.  “Am I the only one who thinks the purple sparks were weird?”

Arthur blinked. “Purple?”

Sydney nodded. “Yeah, I was staring right at the dashboard.”  The high beam light looked like a jellyfish.  “Definitely purple.”

“That is not a thing that should happen!” shouted Arthur.

Vivi nodded. “Electricity’s supposed to just be white, which suggests this isn’t normal.”  The van came to a stop right in front of…Vivi blinked several times.  “A dancing mansion?”

Okay, it wasn’t actually dancing.  However, it was sort of pulsing/bopping to a beat that one could fell in their bones. It was noticeably run down and purple and had eerie lights in the windows.

“There’s no way that’s not haunted,” deadpanned Sydney.

“Erm…”  Arthur tried turning over the car again.  “We don’t, have to investigate, do we?”

Vivi thought of what happened last time they’d jumped into an investigation without any preparation.

Blood. Hospitals.  Loss.  Guilt.

“If you can get the van started, we’re leaving,” said Vivi.  “Sydney, you’re not wearing your suppressor?”

Sydney shook her head. “Still practicing controlling it on my own.”

“Good.  Don’t reign it in.”

Mystery just stared at the mansion.  He recognized its aura.  He could barely believe it.

When did Lewis come back and what did he have planned? 

Lewis was planning to exact his revenge.  The plan had been simple:  Create a mansion on a road that they often traveled along near Tempo (He couldn’t get into Tempo, but that could be because of some of the wards Vivi had tried setting up.), lure the Mystery Skulls (especially Arthur) into the mansion, separate them, bring Arthur to his location, kill Arthur, and reunite with the girls and Mystery, with possible minor changes as were needed.  He was also open to making Arthur confess what happened to the girls (They must not have seen what happened to just go along with him.) before killing him.

The plan started to unravel as soon as the van came to a stop in front of his mansion.  Part of that was because instead of rushing into the mansion on the heels of Vivi like he was expecting, they stayed in the van. And stayed.  A lot longer than he recalled them ever doing so when he was alive.

Part of it was indirectly Sydney’s fault.  He’d known that her aura was potent against malevolent spirits and the like, but he hadn’t really appreciated it until he felt it pressing down on him.  From all the way outside.  He found himself rubbing his temples.  Ow.  No wonder the nastier spirits went out of their way to avoid her.  He was actually leaking some energy.  He could last for some time as long as he was careful, but theoretically, they could just stay in the van until he was too drained to keep them here.  If they tried that, he’d have to go out and confront them.  Not something he wanted to do, but if it became necessary…

Lewis wondered why he was being affected in the first place.  He wasn’t evil…Well, okay, he did want to kill Arthur.  That was justified, but maybe it was gray enough for Sydney’s ability to categorize him as malevolent.  If that was the case, then it would probably stop after he killed Arthur and no longer had any desire to hurt someone.

Lewis was dragged from his musings as several figures started exiting the van.  Finally!  Lewis quickly started setting up the finishing touches of his plan.

It was time to end this. 

Arthur had to admit defeat.  “I’ll need to look under the hood, and I don’t want to do that in front of a haunted mansion.”  He sighed. “I don’t wanna go inside either.”

Sydney had been staring at the mansion the whole time.  She could see the music.  And anger. This eye was so weird.  “I think you’d be okay.  Pretty sure my aura will reach that far.”

Mystery could confirm that her aura did extend that far and would retain enough potency to be effective. Not that he could tell them, but it was certainly a weight off his shoulders.

Vivi started handing out various items for protection and fighting.  “It’s a tough choice.  Stay out here alone but relatively safe or go inside with us to stay close to Sydney and me.”

Arthur groaned. If he was less worried about the girls’ safety he would stay outside, but he couldn’t help but worry that if he let them go inside that he would never see them again.  It had happened before.  Even if he couldn’t do anything to protect them, he could draw fire away from them.

“I think I’ll go with you guys,” Arthur decided.

Sydney and Vivi studied him for a moment before Sydney suddenly bit her thumb and smeared some blood in the center of his forehead.  “Just in case.”

Arthur instinctively looked up with crossed eyes for a moment.  “Uh.  Okay. I guess that’ll work.”

“It should. There is power in blood,” said Vivi as she gave him some holy water and slipped a beaded necklace over his head and under his shirt.  “We can try practicing making protective symbols with it too.”

Sydney chuckled. “Like an anime.”  She nodded.  “Anything that you think will help.”

Arthur fought down the urge to wipe at the blood on his forehead.  “Can I just say that I don’t like having other people’s blood on me?” It brought back bad memories.

Sydney winced. “Oh.  Sorry.  Should’ve asked first, shouldn’t I?”

Arthur took a deep breath.  “I’m fine. I’ll be fine.  You said it might help so it’s something to try.”  The blood itched on his forehead.  “But I am totally scrubbing it off when we get out of here.”

Vivi nodded. “Sounds like a decent enough compromise.”  She handed an ofuda to Sydney.  Sydney smeared some more blood on the back of it.  “I don’t want either of you getting hurt again.  You’re just starting to get back to where you were before.”

That made both of them wince.  The last few months of learning to live with new handicaps had been difficult and frustrating in several ways.  They didn’t want a repeat with themselves or Vivi or Mystery.

All four of them silently vowed to protect the others.

The walk up to the mansion’s front door took just a few seconds.  Vivi knocked on the doors (She was concerned that the inhabitants would be excited by Arthur knocking and see Sydney knocking as a declaration of war.), which creaked open ominously.  The inched in, the doors slamming shut behind them.

The darkness didn’t last long enough for them to pull out flashlights.  Several purple wisps of fire floated by and lit candles lined along the walls and set on a chandelier.

Vivi absently noted that the layout kind of reminded her of the Spencer mansion, except a lot more purple.

“Sydney, stop humming.”

“Oops.  Didn’t notice-”

Several purple ghosts suddenly popped up.  “Who-o-o-o-oa!”

Most of the group immediately tensed up.  Vivi didn’t immediately though.  “Cute!”

They really were adorable…until more popped up behind them.  “This time I might just disa-Who-o-o-o-who-o-o-oa!”  They suddenly got pointy toothed with claws. “Oh yeah!”

Nope.  They took off running down the hallway through break in the ghosts.

“This time I might just disappear!”

A suit of armor suddenly lunged towards them and swung an ax.  Sydney and Vivi dove under the ax.  Arthur vaulted over it.  Mystery barely dodged it, having to use his kitsune magic to retract his head into his body.

“Gah!”

“Mystery!”

“)%$*&$^#$(%^)*%(&%*&$&!”

Mystery popped his head back out before any uncomfortable questions could be asked.

“Who-o-o-o-who-o-o-oa…”

They abruptly realized that the paintings lining the hall were moving.  They suddenly leapt out.  “Oh yeah!”

The Mystery Skulls leapt into each other’s arms.  Thankfully, the portrait spirits pulled back into the paintings.  “Who-o-o-o-oa…”  And then the lady painting reached out and pulled a rope next to her painting.

A trapdoor opened under them.  They fell down screaming, and things became bizarre, even by their standards.  They weren’t falling as quickly as they should be. It was more like they were floating.  Not to mention there were several random items in the space with them.  A few hours later, they would comment on how it was oddly reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland.

They floated past several mirrors.  Vivi was a bit confused by the fact that her reflection had completely purple eyes. From what Mystery could see in his cracked mirror they could see past glamours.  Arthur was facing away from the mirrors so he didn’t see that they failed to reflect his prosthetic.  Sydney did faintly notice this but was a bit distracted by how her reflection showed her right after her injury with her remaining eye leaking various colors from it.

Then Arthur’s fall suddenly sped up.  Vivi and Sydney made to grab him, but just missed him.  Then they noticed Sydney was falling even slower and tried to grab each other, but it was too late again.

Sydney let out an ‘oof’ and shot to her feet as she landed.  “I’m armed!” she shouted, brandishing the ofuda.  She turned around.  There were a bunch of boxes, a dusty bed with no covers, and… a mannequin in a wedding dress and holding an ax?  Sydney thought she was in the basement until she noticed some windows that she ran over to.  She felt her brain short circuit.  “How the *&^*) do you fall down into the attic?!”

Vivi and Mystery had landed in a kitchen where a pair of dagwood sandwiches were laid out on the center counter.  The two stared at them for several moments but managed to pull themselves away. “Right.  Separated…We should look for Arthur first.  Sydney can take care of herself in this sort of situation.” Her stomach growled.  Mystery’s growled even louder.  “…I wonder if it would be safe to grab a few pieces.”

Arthur landed on his ass in what was probably the basement.  He absentmindedly glanced upward in confusion (How did that work? Ghost logic was so weird.) before zeroing in on a large coffin with a skull and thorny vine design on the top of the lid.  It was beating like the rest of the house.

Not good.

The coffin slowly opened, revealing a jawless skull floating above a large body in a nice suit.

Lewis narrowed his eye sockets as he floated out and slammed his feet in front of Arthur.  He glared at his murderer, full of hate and anger.

Arthur stared in fear, unable to recognize his dead friend.  All he saw was a scary, probably powerful, likely dangerous ghost that had separated him from his friends.

Lewis broke the silence by pointing a finger at Arthur.  “Fuck, it’s you I hate the most.”

Arthur gulped and pointed at himself.  “Buh-buh-Why?”

It was a reasonable question from Arthur’s point of view.  Lewis…it did occur to him that he wasn’t as recognizable without his face.  He lit the braziers and let his hair form. “Does this answer your question?!”

No, it didn’t, but Arthur decided he wasn’t going to explain that this was a case of mistaken identity to a ghost that probably wasn’t going to listen.  He threw the vial of holy water, turned on his heel, and ran.

Lewis did recoil a bit at the holy water.  He was a fire ghost.  Water stung even if it wasn’t holy.  Then he threw it off, decided this was proof of Arthur’s guilt, and gave chase.

Arthur was in good shape (He didn’t understand how he was still so healthy when he’d been hospitalized and locked in his workroom so much for the last few months.) and used to running from scary things.  He glanced behind him and saw the ghost practically flying towards him.  No more glancing back.  He put on a burst of speed.

Oh, hey, Vivi and Mystery.  “Angry ghost! Run!”

Vivi and Mystery looked away from the sandwiches they were still debating eating.  They looked in the direction Arthur came from, threw the sandwiches at the angry ghost, and ran after Arthur.  Lewis didn’t bother trying to avoid the sandwich contents and flew right through them.

“We need to find Sydney!” shouted Vivi.

“Where is she?!” shouted Arthur.

“I don’t know!”

Mystery could feel that Sydney had ended up in the attic and was managing to work her way down. He pulled ahead and ran up some stairs, Arthur and Vivi close behind him.  They ran through a bunch of doors and rooms.

Sydney heard the racket and threw open the door of the room she’d wandered into.  “Angry Elvis ghost!”

That threw Lewis for a loop.  “Elvis? Are you kid-”  He saw the eyepatch.  “What happened to your-”

Sydney threw an ofuda at him.  Lewis yelped and pulled it off.  That hurt!

“You stay away from Arthur!” demanded Sydney.

That hurt almost as much as the ofuda.  “You don’t get it.  He-”

Vivi darted back and grabbed Sydney.  “What’re you waiting for?!”  She then dragged Sydney off.

Okay, Vivi and Sydney didn’t know about his murder.  Somehow. Maybe it was post traumatic amnesia or something.  Clearly, this needed to be remedied.  Also, why was Sydney wearing an eyepatch?  She wasn’t wearing an eyepatch for the heck of it.  There’d been scars peeking out.  He gave chase, now equally intent on telling Vivi and Sydney what happened along with killing Arthur.

He threw fire to keep Arthur from moving down a hallway.  Arthur turned and stared at him fearfully.  Lewis felt his desire for vengeance clawing up his heart.

And then Vivi and Sydney put themselves between them, Vivi with her arms outstretched as if to shield Arthur as much as possible, Sydney with her hands up as if she was prepared to fight him.

This was wrong. Vivi and Sydney were supposed to be on his side.  He wasn’t the enemy!  He just needed…Maybe…Yes.  That would work.  He willed his anchor towards them.

They just needed to see the proof of who he was, that they knew him.

The flames died down. Arthur was certain he knew the way to the front door from this spot.  He grabbed Vivi and Sydney and booked it.

Vivi and Sydney glanced back once.

Mystery made sure to take up the rear.

Lewis stared in disbelief and heartbreak as his murderer and the love(s?) of his life and (more than) best friend.

And his anchor fell and broke.

And Lewis switched to frustration and anger and despair and why did this happen to him?! Why why why?!

He screamed, pouring his everything into it as his fire erupted around him.

The living Mystery Skulls barely made it through the doors in time to avoid being burned alive. Mystery might have had something to do with it.  They rushed to the van.  “Go go go!”

Arthur revved the van. It started.  “I’m going!”

They peeled out of there.

None of them saw the figure watching them from one of the high windows.  Lewis watched as the van drove away.  He pressed down on his cracked anchor and looked at the picture inside.

It was from shortly after he and Vivi started dating.  He had an arm around Vivi, who was hugging him.  Sydney had an arm thrown over his shoulder while he used his free arm to support her.  No Arthur. The three of them were smiling and happy and whole and alive.

They could never go back to that.

Lewis barely noticed the tear running down his face as he finally passed out and returned to his anchor, the house fading around him.

[atonalginger]

Yesterday I had a breakthrough in therapy. Very emotional and rough to accept/process but still good. Let's see if I can explain from my phone...

See back in session 1 I told her about the many me(s). I thought she'd tell me I was loony but lo and behold this is an excellent coping mechanism that has just gotten a bit wonky because I didnt /know/ it was and so have over the years mislabeled the ladies, gentlemen, nb, and youthful me(s) at the "round table" I helm. Like that one Disney movie I've never seen about the emotions that are color coded or something. Or something.

Anyway. Yesterday we're talking and she knows something is troubling me because I can't hide it today and I tell her about one of the aspects or whatever that I didn't "hire onto this company". She's not welcome because she's a giant bully who sabotages everything I do and also tries to sabotage feelings of home and feelings of friendship. This aspect is panicky, paranoid, always bossing me around but never having any answers as to why or what I should be doing. I always have good answers for them but not the other way around.

And my therapist, a switch went off in her head and she said, "oh Jamie. On hon, this aspect is young. Very young. Child like almost. It's why she doesn't know. She doesn't know because no one ever explained it to her and she's not old enough to understand what she's doing. I just want to give her a hug. Just give her a hug and tell her it's okay. I know she's scared. But she's safe now. We don't always have to know. Can you give her a hug?"

And like a floodgate, as I let this aspect surface more ...lent her more of a "seat" at the table...memories started surfacing. Therapist started asking questions and memories came out. Led to more questions. More memories. More visible anxiety and discomfort. Tears.

This aspect manifested, came into life when I was a child. When over and over my dreams we're squashed by parental units with little to no explanation. When pressures to be the best came without real support or help or reasoning. When I felt unsafe even in my own room. Like I had nothing and no where to go. When moments that should have been /mine/ to revel in because of my accomplishments were "stolen" by the acts of others.

This little girl aspect bullies me because she born of bullying. She was born in the aggressive demands and lack of information. She discourages me so much, gets so mean, because she's scared to death of what could happen. So panicked it will all be taken away or incur the wrath of those no longer in my life.

My therapist sees her a scared and panicked and in need of love. No, I didn't want her here and she's not ideal but she didn't ask to be here either and is so scared. I need to embrace her, work with her so she sees it's okay. That we're safe and things won't be taken, moments of triumph won't be taken, possessions and so on are ours now unless we choose to share.

I talked about my fears of "what do I do with this" with all my creations and my therapist encouraged me to not worry about that. I can write thousands of words and never need to ever share it if I don't feel comfortable with that. I still have my story to show for me. Same with art. Any creation I do. I can create for me and my home and not feel the pressure to do more. To make it not mine.

That aspect hasn't been as vocal, as mean, since then. I don't think I liked being called out like that. I don't think I liked realizing there are still wounds I haven't healed since dropping my parents. (And that's what this aspect is: a huge wound due to their behavior and type of care they gave me). I feel terrible that I labeled this part of me so harshy and began demanding she be gone when all she needed was a fucking hug and some love. Some acknowledgement, like we desperately needed when she was born and never got.

But I know what needs to be worked on now. For now. I know why my brain does that thing now. And she's been quieter. No insistence I'm not doing enough. No insulting my work. Or me. Like the validation has calmed that aspect for a bit. She's going to get to heal now, like my aggressive side did day one when my therapist pointed out she wasn't aggressive, she was the protector and standing up for me when I otherwise didn't know how.

This is all very scary. But in a good way. I know that by now knowing this I will be able to heal and grow as a person. And I couldn't be more thankful for my therapist and her help. And for my rheumatologist who directed me right to her.

[survivingjapan]

EPISODE 10 "If he has an idol, color me 17 different shades of shook." - Brian

Alex C going home is literally making this the best day of my life... The only thing that's better is knowing that there's a VERY good chance he also left with an idol in his pocket, which is one idol out of the game, on top of the person I didn't want here the most. Now it's just Sarah, and a loose Kendall left vs the world, and they won't make it anywhere. Another great thing about this round is that Brian won immunity for our whole tribe, so now we're safe and guaranteed a spot in the top 14. I'm honestly not surprised I made it this far, but now I really just need to continue to lay low, with the consistent maintaining of control of our tribe. The one thing that was interesting this round is that Alex C. apparently found an idol for the Brawn tribe, and had to give it to a member of the Brawn tribe, so he chose Drew, as to where Drew gave it right back to him (all according to Drew), which now means that either Drew is coming up with some BULL FICACTA (Jewish term, don't judge) or he's actually telling the truth, and there's a very good chance Alex C, the dumbass of all dumbasses, left the game with an idol in his pocket. Other than that, there isn't much to add to this round unfortunately. At least now I know about idols and how they work, and that the Brawn one is out of play. I wouldn't be surprised if another idol has already been found, but I'm getting no luck looking for it. I think I'm going to propose to my alliance with Drew, Steffen, Ashton, Trace and Dom that we need to all compare notes and look for it together to get it, but what that really means is that there's a VERY good chance that if Dom finds it, he's going to give it to Trace, if Drew or Steffen find it, they're going to give it to me, and if I find it I'm definitely giving it to Steffen. I have enough people willing to give me an idol because they think it'll help me out, and you BEST BELIEVE I am not giving that idol back like Drew did.... What a fucking bozo

I just have to reiterate how happy I am that Alex C is gone. I just can't believe it. I think Sarah is going to think I had something to do with this, but oops?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChGisl7_61M&feature=youtu.be

So considering we won immunity, I figured it'd be a pretty lul day for me, and I'd be able to just calm the fuck down for a half a second, but clearly that was never going to happen because so much information got thrown at me yesterday from Drew, and I didn't even expect that information to come my way but it did. Firstly, Drew found the Beauty idol, and had to will it to someone on my tribe, and OF COURSE he picked me, and then I gave it back to him as a sign of trust (same I did with Steffen) and I know when I ask him for the idol as well, if I'm in trouble, then he'd easily give it to me, which is fucking fantastic. ON TOP OF THAT, I found out that Kendall told Drew that Sarah I guess found the Brawn idol, willed it to Crow? and then ended up getting it back (at least that's how I assume Sarah got the idol, and again, her having the idol is all hingent on what Kendall told Drew, and then Drew relaying that to me). Now I am very aware of every idol in the game (minus a potential Villains super idol), which is actually amazing because I am 99% sure I am the only one that knows about Drew's idol and Steffen/my idol because Steffen and Drew were both VERY focused on not telling anyone, and I'm assuming that Crow/Sarah/Kendall/Drew/I know about Sarah's idol, but Kendall has no idea that she made that oopsie, and that it's going to come back to bite her. Being immune is awesome, and people are anticipating a f14 merge, but I just don't think it's realistic. I think we're merging at 12 or 11, and we have a swap after this, which would be pretty awesome. Going into this later phase of the game, the only thing I have to worry about at this point is an angry Pippa and a potentially still bitter Sarah, because I went after her during the joint tribal, so I just need to be careful of that. I am overly confident in A LOT of my relationships, but I'm NEVER going to be too confident, not making too many concrete deals when we get to merge because I know that people talk. I am done offering deals and alliances, and I'm going to let my social game shine through and just get included in as much as I can, and show that I am game to work with anyone, so that way I can continue to know more than anyone. Knowing the most in this game shows that you're an incredible player, and definitely holding onto more information about idols than everyone in the game is already impressive, and I have the Isaac move on my resume, and now I have to get to merge and be ready to make more important moves.

okay jk I misunderstood Drew. Sarah does not have an idol. Kendall was planning to tell Sarah that Drew had an idol, so this way Sarah could run to the Villains on the Brawn tribe and tell them that Drew had an "idol," which is funny enough because Kendall doesn't know that Drew actually has an idol, so that plan would've blown up the fact that Drew actually has one. On 9/15/17, at 10:35 AM, Drewbert wrote: > lol yeah still no word on where the Hero, Villain, or Brain idol is LOL YEA LUL I HAVE THE HEROES/VILLAINS IDOL, and I am quite sure there's only one of them, so you just don't know buddy ;) I've been thinking about it, and definitely going to the finals with any combination of Dom/Trace/Ashton is my best bet. I legitimately hope that we can get to the final six of this game with that alliance that I have, and then let my f3 with Trace and Dom reign through, and then I can maybe beast it out. As much as Steffen and Drew trust me, and honestly I trust them the same, them getting to finals could result in a big loss for me, but I do know that they are arguably two of the biggest players left in the game, along with Sarah and Tommy and Brian, so now I know that those people are going to be under fire more than others. I just need to continue to target weaker players I'm not working with, so that way I can let the targets be the main threats until at least final seven, and then people might start looking at me and I'm going to have to start making moves. My ideal situation is that I can truly blow the fuck out of people's games if they get me once, I use my "second chance" idol that Steffen and I share, and then convince Drew that the next round I need to borrow his idol, but hopefully this is later in the game, and will turn to the point that I am the biggest threat, and then I just have to find a way to steamroll to the end. I know this game isn't going to be easy, but I'm very ready for merge and I'm ready to start this merge off right and start making power moves and make a name for myself. People don't see this underdog coming.

Current Alliances: Trace - Ride or Die Steffen - Ride or Die Drew - Ride or Die JT^2 - Tommy and Trace Drinking a cold one with the boys - Dom and Trace Menninists - Ashton, Trace, Dom, Steffen, Drew Solomans - Andrew, Steffen, Pippa Disbanded 30s Alliance? - Kendall, Andrew, Pippa, Drew Cross Tribal Pregame Friends Deal - Crow, Brian, Steffen I really just need to spend some time on Jonathan in the near future because he's the only one, who I don't have much with, but from what I heard, he was the bottom of the villains, so it shouldn't be too difficult, but there's also a great chance he goes home this round. Praying for more alliances and mixed deals to fall into my lap. This is only the beginning, and another alliance made is another opportunity to better position myself. Just staying as cautious as possible

I also need to not ask Andrew what’s happening at tribal because he’s going to think I’m playing too hard and that I’m being intrusive, and especially after I most recently screwed him over, I gotta just tread lightly with him and continue to prove to him that he can trust me. Where it’s funny, because the person, aside from Crow/Steffen/Trace (it's all a tie between these four), I like in the cast the MOST is Andrew, and I fucking ADORE him, and it’s just unfortunate that he might get fucked because of me on his swapped tribe, but if he makes it out, I'm going to be eternally grateful, and I'm going to need to find a way to not make a concrete deal with him at merge because he knows that I did that last time in Soloman (since he hosted me), so I just can't do it again.

Everyone's like "Crow ur fine." "Crow ur totally safe." but Crow knows better, momma didnt raise no fool! i still see the hero/villain split and i still see my ass on the wrong side PLUS no bitch seems to want to talk to me about game whatsoever but when I bring it up they're like "yea I'm down!" and its like well.....hmmm if you were really wanting to play with me, wouldn't you come to me earlier? so I can't wait to get 15th and be a victim of yet another iconic robbery. the fact that Kage is making it farther than me is honestly enough to make me nauseous

[9/15/17, 2:25:51 PM] Do m: Ok but real talk [9/15/17, 2:26:02 PM] Do m: Drew and Steffen are huge threats [9/15/17, 2:36:33 PM] Trace Demarest: yeah i think we need all 6 of us in the merge regardless [9/15/17, 2:36:39 PM] Trace Demarest: that would make me feel much much safer [9/15/17, 2:37:51 PM] Johnny (Kuang Si Host): Especially with two massive targets in our way before any of us get targeted [9/15/17, 2:38:22 PM] Trace Demarest: yeah exactly [9/15/17, 2:38:29 PM] Trace Demarest: and i don’t think either of them have idols tbh THEY BOTH HAVE IDOLS YOU FUCKING MORON LMFAOOOOOOOO

I have a lot to say since Alex has been voted out so I'm just splitting it into two confessionals because this one is going to be my explanation not only for Alex, but for everyone in the game I couldn't fully explain my motives to, because I know there wasn't a single person in the game that knew all 4 of these reasons: 1) What this vote was was a statement back to the people who had rose to power through voting out Isaac. Even if you were no longer with Sarah, it went to show that the people she tried to and succeeded in damaging weren't going to let it happen without repercussions. There's a law of returns in these games, and I wanted to make sure this was seen through to. If Isaac going was a statement to it no longer being heroes vs villains, then I wanted to make a statement that everyone wasn't just going to lie down and die, and that I could work with the villains as well. 2) That brings me to the second reason. I needed to collaborate with the villains. Junior and I had a discussion about how this tribal was going to be the one everyone on Brawn and Beauty was eyeing in order to see which directions the 5 of us (3 heroes and 2 villains) would go after such a massive blindside that redefined allegiances. Would the heroes come together and take the easy vote, would one hero flip, would villain turn against villain, or would a solid 4 come together to take out a hero? Obviously the latter was decided on. Isaac going and me being on this disaster of a brain tribe is me new slating it. I wanna work with villains. Fuck hero strong. I'm going to do what I think I have to do to survive from here on out. 3) This is one that I couldn't really disclose to people. I wanted Drew to lose possession of his idol. Getting you to hold Drew's idol for that tribal was easy enough, since you basically voiced you wanted to hold it anyway. And Drew with an idol is too much power for him. Quite frankly, I would rather go far without him, and if I want to blindside him eventually, him having no idol is fantastic. I'm sorry Drew, but I don't want this to be your 200th win. 4) This last reason could sting a little, but honestly I just didn't wanna move forward with you. When figuring out between Brian and Sarah, and then deciding on Tommy, you were very condescending through a large portion of the ordeal. You yelled at me in pms, made me and I know for a fact other people, feel stupid and belittled for thinking what we thought. For me, treating other people like that - with no common courtesy or self-awareness of your immaturity - doesn't fly for me. And if I feel that morally you don't deserve to go further in the game, then I won't have a problem voting you out. I think you're inherently a good person, but I think you need to do some maturing in those regards. There's something in Survivor about faking it till you make it in terms of social game where you really have to hold in a lot of what you want to say because it could just be social suicide. This was your social suicide. 

Okay whew I'm submitting this right after my Alex confessional but hello it's vote out one of the last 4 brains day and I wanna launch myself off of a building! Because I will feel immensely guilty voting any of these people out! Basically Junior and I have formed a final 2 on this brain tribe, figuring that if we do not swap it could very well get to that point that we are decimated so much that we are left with 2 people who have to duke it out, in which case if I'm sitting there with someone then I'm playing an idol on myself to auto-survive the tribe. But now that leaves us with the massive dilemma of taking out Jonathan or PIppa. Pippa is someone who obviously I have an extremely close relationship both in and out of this game. She is one of my best friends not only online but just in general, so voting her out makes me want to throw up not gonna lie. Then there's Jonathan, who I have established a very good relationship with. I feel like we get where each other is coming from but I know he's dangerous. But then I know it's also dangerous to move forward with Pippa, unless I get in a scenario where Junior and I have to vote her out - which I will do. There's just no way I can go into a swap with Pippa, so am I banking on us losing again for Pippa to go and Junior and I to stay? Maybe so! The thing is, Junior wanted Pippa gone this round not only on the off chance I would back out in taking him to f2 of this tribe, but also because he feels like keeping Jonathan in the swap as a threat is a good idea for a meet shield. But that's only if we swap. And of course there's a problem in taking Pippa into a swap considering I would be seen as with her, and I would probably get targeted over her if people try to split us up. So idk! I wanna vote out Jonathan tonight and I'm gonna feel like shit if it happens. Or I could just be getting blindside. I'm paranoid about Pippa letting slip that I have 2 idols so that she could blindside me, but I also think if I tell her we could use these to save ourselves once we're final 2 on the tribe, then she'll wanna take me for that safety. I s2g though I do not wanna go out with 2 idols, so I might give one to Pippa to hold. And then if it's me her and Junior at an f3 scenario on this tribe I'll just say I'm playing one on her in case Junior plays an idol which I really don't think he has because I've convinced him so much I'm taking him to the f2 of this tribe. Important side note if I survive this swap however - I had a good talk with Kendall last night. We both got good explanations out of each other for why Isaac and Alex got voted out. And I think she would wanna work with me down the line. That's the other thing. Idk if Pippa would wanna work with her at this point, and according to Kendall from Sarah - Pippa and Sarah are getting kinda close. Which is a big no no for me because I need Sarah out ASAP. But Kendall wants Sarah out too, but she just doesn't probably have numbers for it on the beauty tribe right now since apparently Sarah and Tommy are super close, and Sarah has Johnny who questionably has Trace. BUT apparently Johnny has voiced to Kendall that Sarah shouldn't be around too long so I don't fuckin know. There's too many damn layers to all this and I'm just trying to survive this swap man.

I could have totally fucked myself trying to be my typical, shady self. Since I was telling both Drew and Kage what they wanted to hear, I was cautious with my words. But secretly, I wanted to keep Drew, so I was trying to come up with a possible plan that could save him. But before I even got around to doing that, I find that Drew has run to Kage to tell him that I told him I was voting him (after I specifically told Drew not to) so he made my choice much easier. I don't put it past Drew though to get close to flipping the table on me, but as long as Kage trusts me, I should be good.

http://youtu.be/SIAHbeRte3M here

[survivingjapan]

EPISODE 8 “Touchy Swapjects” - Ashton

[gif]

Ok fuck me I'm slacking so hard on these. I think it was like Episode 2 the last time I did one and that's basically because jack shit has happened since then. Legit we won 5 immunities in a row and just chilled. Then Double Tribal was announced and we realized that we actually had to do stuff. With that announcement talks of alliances began and a diverse group of white males came together to form a fabulous alliance. It is myself, Johnny, Drew, Trace, Dom and Steffen. Originally we were the meninists but after realizing that might be problematic (Especcially since we are targeting a woman whoops) we changed it to messinists. As I spoilered above we did target a woman when we finally went to tribal. Someone had to go and it had to be Ruthie because everyone loves her really and that's threatening. Again I feel bad, Same way how I did after the first boot, but this is how the game has to go. To win you have to be cutthroat. 

Oh I also have a fun touchy swapjects strategy. Its basically just assume everyone hates Kage and answer him for all the negative things. Then also assume everyone thinks Drew is basically Jesus and vote him for all the positive things. It's probably gonna fail miserably and just make both of them target me but we will see

Ruthie went.... Just like I wanted her to, it was so easy. Now I need to find a way to NOT be taken a back as the BIG target during touchy feelings. I'm hoping that Steffen and Drew come out a bit worse because they've been playing this game pretty hard as well, and this is always the challenge that fucks me up. If anything, this round is going to show me that I need to take a step back again. I actually think I was VERY mellow when it came to the Ruthie vote, and honestly i've been barely socializing, and showing that I'm not thinking about the game THAT much, so I just hope this will work. I am NOT trying to win this challenge because I don't really want any involvement in the swap twist, like I'm sure is about to happen, so this way, I can just get scooped up by someone and figure it out later. Time to make people feel like shit and do this reward challenge!

https://youtu.be/O3plk8Pueh8 Change of fu king plans brians bitch ass decided he didnt like kendall so now we better win immuniyy or else im sending his ass home OR im forcing him to vote with us to not go to rocks and throwing the comp to get him out next time when kendall-tommy and I are the majority

Hey. It's Johnny. Johnny Stockton. There's not a simple explanation for the things that I feel that's right. Don't adjust your whatever device you''re hearing this on. It's me, live and in stereo. No return on engagements, no encore, and this time, absolutely no requests. Get a snack. Settle in. Because I'm about to tell you the story of HOW I GOT SWAP FUCKED IN JAPAN JESUS FUCKING CHRIST OML!!!! I mean.... in all reality this isn't bad. I didn't want to end up with Jonathan or Junior because I feel they're REALLY good players, and don't see working with the heroes as a benefit to him, but this was actually not a horrible swap here. The worst part about it is that Kendall is on this tribe and she is horrifically inactive, but on the bright side, the Villains would probably want to target her first. I think I can play it off the best I can about Kendall being inactive is that she is being punished right now, but is going to be with us, because it's a pretty easy case for none of them to swing to the heroes side if Kendall isn't fucking playing, and on top of that, if she self votes, and we tie, we go to rocks. As for who else I ended up with.... Trace is one of my mains, so this was good to have him here. I know I can rely on him a lot to get deeper in this game, and is probably the person I have the most faith in in this game, to never turn on me, which is a great feeling to have coming into a swap. Then we've got Tommy, who has been talking to me nonstop since the beginning of the game, and I can't tell if he's legit or not in terms of how much he REALLY wants to work with me, but I'm getting the vibe that he doesn't really want Brian around, and that Tommy didn't want to vote out Richie, which means that there might be some animosity there, and there's a good chance that we could see a Brian vs Tommy showdown on this tribe if we lose one. Sarah seems really sweet, really funny and EXTREMELY manipulative. I think she's probably the biggest threat on my tribe, and I'm probably going to have to do some research on her before we get a bit deeper into things. I think she'll be very responsive to working with me over the other two from my tribe and I think I can make it. As for Brian, I've been told that he might be a bit inactive, he's busy all the time, but seemed to have a lot of pull in their old tribe, which seems intriguing to me. I am more compelled to work with Brian than I am Tommy or Sarah, and I can't explain why, but I'm sure I'll get there. As for now, my ultimate goal is to beat out Trace and Kendall in communication and helpfulness to the tribe, which shouldn't be that hard. I think, easily, I'm going to be able to make power moves in this tribe, and I'll probably be the pinpoint guy to everyone. I just don't want this swap to put a target on my back, but sometimes, it's gotta happen, and if it does, then let the good times roll. I've gotta get to merge and I'm going to make it happen.

So after we swap, Crow immediately runs to me and asks for my help, and how he can have an in on my tribe, and immediately I just ask the same question. He's in a much worse predicament than what I'm in, so I asked him what he thinks of the people on my tribe, and he said that Brian would be a VERY good person to work with on my tribe, so I returned the favor and told him that he should work with Brain's best friend, and my closest ally (i didn't say the closest ally thing) Steffen. If Crow and Steffen are working together on one tribe, and Brian and I are working together on another, I think that could really benefit us in the long run to potentially form an intertwining foursome that can really take over the game, and the amount of options I can make to take over the game would be amazing. It turns out touchy subjects was not that horrible for me, because it seems like the answers I could've gotten were biggest challenge threat, surprised you most in challenges, most for the tribe, most intimidating and who should play the next duel. These questions make me confused as to why the people that ended up on my tribe ended up on my tribe, but I'm not going to question it for much longer, and I'm sure touchy subjects will provide some answers, and I'm just hoping I'm not in the crossfires like I was in Soloman. I want to win reward because I want that idol clue, and I want to find another idol. Having a regular idol, and that super idol, in the game could be VERY groundbreaking, simply for a resume standpoint, and this time, I wouldn't tell anyone about it, which means I'd have one idol with Steffen that is like a super idol, but then another idol for myself as a backup, so I'm going for it hard and hope I get the idol. I'm starting to believe that the idol Steffen and I have is the only one in the game, and that actually gets me really excited. Now it's going to come down to is whether or not Steffen is going to give me the idol. I don't see a valid excuse for him to not give it to me, because we're supposed to be a fucking PARTNERSHIP, and when I brought it up after we swapped, he said "we'll talk about it when we get there." ........... if this kid screws me over, it's not going to be pretty

I'm not a brawn. I'm a brain or AT LEAST a beauty? This is insulting af. But hey, if being a brawn means I can be immune for a few rounds, I'll pretend to be a brawn! Right now, the heroes have an obvious majority on Nagoya 4-2, with Kage and I on the outside. However....I'm utilizing my secret bond with Johnny and Brian's bond with Steffen and my bond with Brian to cultivate an alliance with Steffen. If Steffen can protect me in this first vote, then I can slither my way into the cracks of these 4 heroes. I've been talking to Drew a lot recently so maybe he'd be inclined to keep me too...I just need to dig my talons into either Dom or Ashton well enough to make myself influential on this tribe. Slowly but surely I will creep my way into power... Caw caw, ain't dead yet bitch!

AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHH This swap worked out so perfectly. I actually feel bad omg. 4 of my alliance members all put on an alliance of 6. This is what dreams are made of. OG MY GOD. And 2 Great Lakeans!!! This was legitimately the perfect swap for me, I'll be surprised if I ever get a vote on this tribe. 

Why are people so shady? Like apparently Drew and Ruthie are best friends, yet Drew was the one who told me that he wanted Ruthie out. Either Sarah's lying to me, or Drew's really ruthless and that's unsettling as someone who wants to work with him. Especially since I just gave him an idol since I found a different tribe's idol. How unlucky can I get. Though I guess being on the Brain's is fun since I'm with three people from the Heroes. Problem is they all hosted together, so if we lose three challenges (or potentially less), I'm screwed. So there is a part of me debating to tie it and go to rocks to potentially send one of them home because I want to secure my spot to the merge.

Honestly, this swap has me feeling so many types of ways.  Me, along with Sarah and Tommy, are the only Villains in any sort of position with numbers.  The other 2 tribes have 2 Villains each and 4 Heroes while we have 3-3.  That definitely gives us an upper edge in the case of a vote, but we really just have to mainly focus on winning.  I'm tired of going to tribal after tribal and not being able to trust anyone to make a decision to benefit my own game.  I know that if Tommy or Sarah flip, to which I know Tommy would definitely flip on me to better his game and I'm not 100% sold Sarah would do the same but she might, it'll 100% be a vote against me and not against the other.  I'd love to vote Tommy out right now given he is such a big threat and he's more on the ins with the other Villains than me BUT I need him.  I'm going to put in work on Johnny and Kendall and Trace tbh just so they'd rather vote a different direction and maybe just work with me and not against me, whether it be against Sarah or Tommy or against one of their own.  Because if I hear Tommy's name come up, I'll jump on that ship right away (unless I think I can cause a flip).  I have nothing against him personally, he's a sweetheart, but like... I will always feel some awkward tension there between the two of us for some unknown reason.

THEY GOT ME GIRLS ! We done fuckin swapped but it was bvbvb through answers on touchy subjects and I got put on Brain because I'm ugly and weak. So that's exciting. What's not exciting is people are probably eyeing Isaac, Pippa, and I really hard because of COURSE we ended up on the same tribe. The thing that worries me is that we wanted to go for Junior first just because he's Like That™ but tbh?? Jonathan a rat! And yeah before I say this - I know he's in minority on the tribe and is gonna do anything to stay. But at least wait to talk to all the heroes first before you go throwing people under the bus mayhaps? But because Alex wants to have babies with Pippa and wants to keep the Malaysians alive, he told Isaac that last night Jonathan came to him and was like  "you know Andrew, Isaac, and Pippa hosted together right? That's dangerous" and I'm like bitch maybe try talking to all of us first before you try to BUST a move... it's just so frustrating. But I'm hoping Alex wouldn't flip. However if he does it will totally be me getting the votes. So fuck right off! Now that that's happened, Jonathan may have screwed himself by opening his mouth too early. Because now I kinda wanna build a better relationship with Junior? I feel like he coulda been popular on the villains and he could be my in for them if I need to get with some of the villains - which I'm still totally open to. Idk this is all in the hypothetical that we lose obviously, but SOMEBODY (Jonathan) has got me fucked up! FUCKED. UP. Oh and also, just to follow with the tradition this lovely community has enjoyed following for almost 2 years of handing every game on the planet to Drew - ALEX GAVE DREW A FUCKING IDOL. Are you serious? Is this real life? I have never seen Handing_Drew_The_Game.png personified more than someone HANDING HIM A FUCKING IDOL WITH NO EFFORT INVOLVED. You wanna win Drew? Okay yeah here ya go it's not like I wanted it anyway (said 90% of the cast). So now we have to really really really blindside Drew if we want him out. Which I do! Since the beginning! But he won the damn individual immunity because why wouldn't he? And Alex just went and fucked it up even more. Poor kid is so sweet but like... girl why? I mean at least he told Isaac and I. Which this could be good(?) just because it shows his loyalty and shows hopefully that he wouldn't flip on us - mainly me though. If he's gonna be blindly loyal then that's better than being a snake. 

https://youtu.be/i-O0-lToC24 fuck u alex

Both tribes going to tribal? I don't have to knock someone out of my tribe yet? Lul. I'm safe. Life is good. Hopefully next round is music videos!

So Steffen gave me the idol, so I'm clearly good for this round. I hope we stay separated because it's a straight ticket to merge for us. As for this double tribal, I am 99% sure my name is not going to go around anyways as the vote, simply because there are so many things that could happen, and it seems like the brains are getting the vast amount of attention for this vote, as our tribe is trying to stay out of it and stay unified. I'm not entirely sure how true what they're saying is, but I'm hoping that everyone sticks to their word, and I can get people to prove loyalty. I'm nervous about Sarah and Kendall, but I'm thinking that if I can just get Brian to load all of his trust into me, i should be good.

I know I have Tommy because Tommy just sat on call with me for an hour and ran through every single tribal that has happened so far for the Villains and why they all happened, and I think I know my fair share of information, but the main problem is that I don't see too many cracks into these three on my tribe, so I'm just hoping the heroes I'm going to tribal with have an answer. Time to see what Pippa, Isaac, Alex and Andrew have to offer while my two inactive Hero tribemates are GONE (rolls eyes)

So I finally get in contact with my ex heroes, and they all want to vote for Jonathan, which is absolutely perfect for me because it essentially means that I don't need to worry about voting someone out of my tribe, and we can maintain numbers, which would be awesome, but now that's very NOT likely to happen because after talking to them all collectively, it seems that they want to take out BRIAN from my tribe, which is no bueno because Steffen and I are trying to get together that whole Crow, Brian, him and I thing, and we can't really do that without Brian, so now I have to do damage control to try to get the vote going my way. My preferred option would be Sarah or Jonathan going because I like the rest of the villains, and Sarah proposes the biggest threat on my tribe

Trying to get Sarah out is starting to become a piece of work. I really just want the Heroes on the other tribe to respect my decision as easily as I would've respected theirs, and that's not at all what I'm getting here. I want to vote for Sarah because she has the BEST position on my tribe right now, and by using other numbers to take her out, it gives me the advantage and an easy path to merge and out of this swap fucked tribe, but instead, because Isaac and Alex C. want to take out Brian, they aren't budging and they're being selfish as shit not wanting to take out the person i want to take out, to help me get closer to merge, and it's really starting to piss me off because I was A okay with getting out Jonathan when they asked me to, so now I'm in a whole new other bind. Trace told me last night that the Villains wanted to target Alex C, and I'm actually starting to think this might not be a bad idea. Previously, had we lost a few times on the Heroes, that's someone I really would've wanted to target, and now is my best chance to take him out while gaining the trust of some of the villains. It's a VERY risky move though because straying away from some very loyal Heroes might bite me in the butt later on, and I'm honestly not sure if I'm looking to piss off a whole lot of people, especially people on my own tribe who will be pissed if this is happening. I know that Tommy wants Alex C. gone, but I'm curious if Sarah wants the same, because if she does, then I can use that to get it back to Alex C., and then maybe he'll actually change his mind and vote Sarah out. I don't know how this is going to go, but all I know is that I'm pretty annoyed at this point, and I might have to let Brian go, which ruins a lot of plans I wanted to have down the line, and limits the amount of power I might be having in the game.

tbh the fact that Alex, Isaac and Pippa seemingly discussed that Jonathan would be the move, and then threw it into a group chat, and then changed it again without telling me, and are strong arming me to vote for Brian is not at all making me happy, and honestly rather pissed off. I might vote out a hero this round. My rationale is pretty strong and they're excluding me HARD. I've got a group of Heroes I trust, and that's Steffen, Dom, Trace, Ashton, Drew, and on the side Andrew BIG TIME. It ain't Alex C., Kendall, Isaac or Pippa, and those just so happen to be a lot of the people in question this round. I think I want to vote out any of those four people, who just so happen to all be vulnerable this round. Let's play ball because I'm honestly ready for it. I have an idea.

This is by far the messiest round I've been a part of ever in my TS experience. Sarah knows I wanted her out, and she said she still wants to work with me, and now all my fire is fueled by the fact that I want to go full force at taking out one of the heroes, who is responsible for her finding out. I can't take out Alex C, because Sarah wants Alex C. in the game, so my best option is to just tell Sarah that I'd vote for Isaac with her, Tommy, Brian, Jonathan, Junior, and then hopefully I can bring Trace into this, and we can start breaking a part the other side of the heroes, and Trace and I can slide by another day, with the four other people I trust most sitting pretty on the brawn tribe, and then I am safe, hopefully able to not let Sarah target me after this round, but as of right now, my sights are set on Isaac, and I think it's time for him to go home.

This game is tough, to be quite honest. Like, I love Sarah to death. She's a fantastic person. But because we were on opposite sides it makes it really hard to try and save her this round. I want Brian out solely because Brian doesn't talk to me at all. But they all want Sarah out and it's like... what the hell can I do about it? It's not like I can go up all Mr. Macho and demand we vote off Brian. I'm trying to stay in this game, and I'm not going to jeopardize mine because Sarah wants to stay.

Imagine a game in which everyone bends to what person wants. The wishes of that person could be completely non-beneficial, but because they are an opinionated person everyone will just go with it. If you guessed BB19, you're right! If you also guessed this game, you're pretty right! Because this has turned into the fuckin do what Alex wants game because he just whines and then people listen :  ) I heard as a child that whining doesn't fly in the real world but then again this is an online game so who care, right? Now Alex is a sweet kid. I've grown to like him, but that doesn't mean I won't drag what has so far been bad gameplay on his end. Let's list: 1) Him and Kendall having no subtlety in trying to control the Malaysians/Solomons/Indians. 2) Handing Drew an idol when we could have been establishing better relationships with someone like Dom. Yes I know Drew can use it for us but that guy is not to be trusted more than Dom in my opinion. 3) Trying to keep Sarah around when she's not even debatably - just IS one of the biggest threats in the game. So now him and Kendall are fighting for Brian to go and like yeah I'm not a fan of him but he has barely any control in this game? And they preach that Sarah will flip to us and I'm like but how do you really know.png? So this is just pissing off Johnny, Isaac is mad at Johnny for bringing Sarah's name up to Alex in the first place, and Drew is suggesting Tommy as a compromise. And I just REALLY think we need to go for Sarah. Like yeah fine I guess I'd go for Brian but Sarah told me she heard brains are going for Brian so if we're all being duped and there's an idol play then one of us heroes on the brains is fucked. And it'll probably be me! I will kms if I go out on Day 19. Honestly fuck all of these people like this isn't time for your personal agendas to be clashing because that's when shit goes wrong. It's a joint tribal so why not make it simple and not be a bunch of assholes? Because not only is everyone confused but now everyone's mad at each other so thank you Alex and Kendall for being real team players :)))) And idk wtf to even tell Junior and Jonathan. Like I told them I want Brain strong and specifically said to Junior that I think we need to keep brains together for challenge reasons. Hopefully he bought it yeah. Anyway I know that the people who would vote Sarah are myself, Pippa, Isaac, Johnny, and Trace. But that's 5. Aka not majority. NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 

I can't even think about tribal council. Too many people are going in one direction, Alex C. is pissing me the FUCK off, and I'm losing my mind. My head hurts from this mess, and my heart hurts because I'm about to vote out Isaac, who i really like, but in order to get to the merge, and the next phase of this game, I need to keep the people on my TRIBE happy, and that's just what I'm doing. Isaac, you're about to be a victim of Alex's douche cockery.

https://youtu.be/u3pcLZHzxOA

http://youtu.be/gF029p42GUs im sick

The vote ended up landing on tommy I guess? Bc Alex decided to be a condescending asshole which Isaac said he was just mad bc it felt like no one was listening to him but at that point it's just common courtesy to not be an ass yeah? So Alex is on my shit list and johnnys too probs bc that's just toxic for an alliance. I don't wanna have a heart attack from one alliance member every time bc they decide to be rude and treat me like an idiot 5 year old! This is all granted I stay tho bc tbh if they target someone over here then it'll be me and if they target someone over there itlll probably be trace. But we all had to settle on tommy. I compared receipts in our big alliance and he literally mutually promised to everyone that they wouldn't vote each other out so bye! I don't feel bad! And hopefully if they're idoling someone then they'll idol Brian. It needs to be a blindside. This is starting to look like a villains game so if I need to get a little spicy then oh well I'm not bothered. But if I get out on day 19 I think I'll definitely have a severe emotional breakdown so yeah : )

Tfw your alliance is crumbling around you because Johnny, Andrew, Alex, & Kendall are stupid. They all want to be running the show. And I'm just sitting here letting them gain reason to distrust one another. So originally Brian was going home, then it flipped to Sarah, then it flipped again to Tommy and I think he's going to get blindsided tonight whew. He made protection deals with like 9 people so he has it coming yeah. Also I found the brain Idol! I'm so excited. I really want to do well this season and redeem myself and reinvent my game and I think I'm doing pretty well so far. I hope I don't let y'all down.

Hi I don't know how to mind my own business! So since I have connections with both Johnny and Sarah I got to hear both sides of what was going at this tribal and based on my calculations, Isaac should be going home in approximately an 8-4 over Brian. me somehow getting involved in their mess me also about to be first boot out of nagoya my social priorities are NOT in check