#no more doing things that make it harder for myself bc i'm worried about other people

[tvrningout-a]

i should've switched to writing original stuff ages ago bc i could've been overcoming writer's block if i did :' )

[mitsukiwa]

Ich bin nicht ich (BILL KAULITZ)

A/N: I originally had written this for myself as a way to comfort myself (Bill's my comfort person) bc i've went through SH, Depression ECT, so i wrote this in a from of way to comfort me while i was going through things at that time. He managed to make me feel better through his songs, and watching tokio hotel TV. They always make me crack up, and i adore bill and his personality <3 He means the absolute world to me.

CW; WARNING; Self Harm, mentions of suicide, blood. (if ur not comfortable with that pls don't read this.)

ミ★ 𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯 ★彡

You sat on the floor of your bathroom with a kitchen knife clutched in your hand.

The phone on the edge of the porcelain tub buzzed over and over. The sound resonates loudly with the material, and throughout the empty walls of the bathroom.

You ignored it. You had already said what you wanted to say. Your mind was set.

Your eyesight was blurry with the tears obscuring your view. Your body shook as you let out a sob. 

The freshly made cuts stung, and they became itchy. You position the knife along your arm again, pressing down and cutting through the flesh again.

It hurt

But what hurt more was your heart.

Blood flowed down your arm, trickling onto your bathroom floor.

The phone rang.

Over and over again.

It only made you cry harder.

You grip the knife tighter, your knuckles turning white.

Your free hand goes up to grip your hair. Yanking violently on the strands.

I don't want to be here anymore.

You let go of your hair, holding your injured arm out on your lap. Knife on the other hand.

I don't wanna be here.

You repeated like a mantra in your head.

You hear your name being called, but you ignore it completely. You feel strange and out of it. You stare blankly at your arm.

 The pants you wore; were now covered in crimson liquid.

The door to your bathroom is pushed open, you remain unmoving. Not even flinching at the abrupt sound. Or looking toward the direction of the door.

(First person)

''Y/N! Why aren't you answering my calls-''

I hear his breath hitch, and a silent gasp escaping his mouth. No doubt at the sight laid before him.

He runs over to my spot on the floor.

''what are you doing?''

He's now in front of me, I finally look up at him.

He looks scared?

Genuinely horrified and worried.

''why are you doing this to yourself?'' He gently reaches forward to grab my arm; he lets out a shaky gasp at the sight. I couldn't help but cry. I felt ashamed and embarrassed.

Bill quickly gets up, grabbing the hand towel from the sink. He comes back, placing it on my arm. Pressing the fabric onto the deep wounds. I let out another sob. Bill looks back up at my face, then at the knife I was currently holding in my other hand.

He slowly takes it from my hand. He places the knife behind him on the floor.

''Bill!'' I cry out.

''I'm here Y/N, im here.'' He said reassuringly. He guides my head to his chest, scooting closer to me. I was now in between his open legs.

He buries his head into the crook of my neck.

''I'm tired of all of it,'' Hot tears fell out of my eyes.

''It's okay, everything is okay now.'' He said. It sounded like he was saying it more to himself.

He rubs my back, comforting me.

''I don't want to be here anymore!'' I cried out.

''Don't say things like that you don't mean them.''

''But I do-'' I pull my head back to look him in the face.

He was crying, and I felt horrible about it.

"I'm here now, we'll get through this together okay?'' He asked pleadingly.

I nod my head profusely, ''okay.''

He uncovers my arm from the towel. The cuts had swollen up. And the towel was soaked in blood, my blood. He raises my arm to his face.

He presses soft, feather-light kisses to my wounds, I try to pull my arm away, but he holds on tighter. He softly kissed each one and then looked back up at me.

 And I can see the sadness in his almond eyes.

''I love you, Y/n and i care''

''I love you too, bill'' My voice sounded hoarse.

He leans his forehead on mine and closes his eyes. He wraps his arms around me, hugging me tightly. I hug him back with my uninjured arm.

And I knew just then that he needed me just as I needed him.

He pulls away and stares at me. He wipes a tear that has rolled down my cheek with his thumb.

''I love you.'' He said again, this time with so much sureness.

I giggle at him. ''I love you too, Bill.''

He smiles at me. Even with tears streaming down his face, his smile still looked beautiful.

He cradles my head with his hands. He leaned his face close to mine, leaving an inch of distance between us. His warm breath fanned my face.

''I love you so fucken much.'' Bill sighs out.

I couldn't help but smile.

''I love you a whole lot too, Bill.''

He grins at me. He presses his lips onto mine softly. Our lips begin to move in sync. The kiss had so much emotion seeping out from it. I could taste his salty tears, and I'm sure he could taste mine too.

  But at that moment, nothing else mattered. It was just him and I.

''Ich liebe dich'' He murmured on my lips. I wasn't sure what he said but on instinct, I said, ''Te amo mucho tambien''

He finally pulls away, letting go of his hold on my face.

I smile up at his face.

''I'm still mad at you, missy.'' he playfully crosses his arms over his chest. Giving a slight frown.

I playfully roll my eyes at him.

''You have every right to be'' I say.

This was him trying to be and i quote ''mad at me''. Honestly he did an awful job at doing so.

''I know i do'' He frowns deeper.

I wanted to pinch his cheeks, but I restrained myself from doing so. he didn't exactly like when I did that.

''I need to get those bandaged up,'' He points to my arm. I look at my arm and frown. I was beginning to bleed again.

'' There's a first-aid kit under the sink,'' I point to the sink.

He nods, quickly getting up and opening the cabinet under the sink.

He takes out the red box. kicking the cabinets shut, and walks over to me.

"Take a seat on the toilet'' He motions to the toilet; the lid is closed.

I tried to stand up on my own but my legs felt wobbly. Bill helps me seat myself on the toilet.

He opens the first-aid kit, and he takes out an antisceptic wipe from the box, wiping my cuts with it.

I take a sharp intake of air, earning Bill's attention. He looks at me, ''Are you okay?'' He asks worriedly.

''Yeah I'm fine it just stings a little''

He nods at me, cleaning the area much slower. After he throws the used antiseptic wipe into the trash bin.

Next, he pulls out a cream, he squeezes a bit out onto his index finger and rubs it onto the cuts. 

The cream felt fresh on my wound. He drops the cream back into the first-aid, then takes out some appendages. He lifts my arm and begins to wrap the appendage around my arm. He secures it with a metal clip. He places the bandage roll back into the first-aid. He shuts the kit and puts it back under the sink.

I raise my arm in front of me examining it.

He did pretty well  I thought

''Ever considered being a doctor?' I teasingly say.

His eyes slightly widen. He shakes his head at me. ''Uh, no thank you, I can't take the sight of blood, it freaks me out'' He looks down to the poodle of blood on the floor and shudders then looks at me.

''I'm sorry'' I gave him an apologetic smile.

"It's fine, I'd perform brain surgery for you if I had to''

I giggle at that, ''what about a heart surgery?''

He gasps,''that's too far, Y/N''

''Sorry.'' I laugh out, and he joins in too.

He kneels in front of me, holding both my hands in his.

I look at our hands, then back at his face.

''Don't ever do this again, Y/N. It scared the shit out of me'' His eyes looked into mine pleadingly.

''I won't, I promise,'' I assure him.

''And if you ever feel you want to,'' He gestures to my arm, ''Talk to me first, I want you to tell me what's wrong. I want to be there for you.''

I nod at him.

''Im here for you Y/N'' He repeats.

''Thanks, Bill'' I smile down at him. ''I'm here for you too.''

He smiles up at me. His smile filled my heart with warmth.

At that moment, I realized he was my person and I was his.

© Mitsukiwa 2023-Do not copy,post or translate my work anywhere.

[strwberri-milk]

Hi Hi!!! Your posts lowkey carry my mental stability lmao. Anyway, can I have Kaeya with an s/o who's very musically inclined? Like they have a nice voice, know how to play instruments, things like that. Bonus if it's a stringed instrument like Violin or Guitar bcs I play both of them. Anyway, I'm sorry if you're busy as I ask this but yk pls stay safe <333

yes yes yes fun fact i cant develop calluses bc i always pick at them before they can harden :(

You like to practise and Kaeya also likes it when you practise. He thinks you're incredibly skilled and loves listening to you play your instruments. The way your fingers glide across the strings, the way your hand easily climbs the neck, the nimble movement of your fingertips dancing from fret to fret - it's all so lovely to a point he finds himself so mesmerised he might miss your music.

At first you worried that you were going to bother him. After all, instruments aren't exactly the quietest things on earth. However, since you were confident enough in your skills you knew it didn't sound awful and with his blessing your shared home was constantly being peppered with the pretty noises of your instruments.

Kaeya loved to do his paperwork at home, feeling like you were serenading him. It put him into a wonderful flow state, letting him do work so much more efficiently than he was able to do it before.

What he didn't know was that you also enjoyed singing. You didn't practice it as often as you did everything else, not wanting to subject yourself to any embarrassing voice cracks around him. You know he wouldn't make fun of you but you wanted to be at your absolute best before you sang for him.

That was all thrown to the wind when he came home early one evening. He was planning to surprise you after finishing his shift early, grabbing you some of your favourite treats to spoil you with. He practically snuck in, making sure to shut the door quietly behind him. He didn't want to interrupt you and your rehearsal after all.

He expected the sound of the guitar playing, happy to hear that you picked it back up after a brief stint of going on strike due to a difficult chord progression. You played other things in the meantime, but there was something about the song you were playing before that he just loved.

What he didn't expect was to also hear your voice quietly singing along. It wasn't incredibly loud or anything, but it was very soothing from the tiny bit he could hear. You were singing along with whatever you were playing, so focused that you didn't notice him standing in the doorway listening along to you.

When you finished, he claps for you, making you jump so hard you almost drop your guitar. You don't know how to respond, and instead just find yourself a little embarrassed. You wanted to perfect this song before he heard it, drumming against the body of your guitar a little as you wait for him to speak.

"You sound lovely," he says sweetly into your ear, hugging and kissing your cheek once you move the instrument out of the way.

"Thank you. I wanted to sing that song to you, but I didn't want to until I perfected it," you pout a little.

"Really? That sounded perfect to me," Kaeya praises, pressing a kiss to your lips.

"It could have been just a bit better, you know? I'm just a little harder on myself since I know I can do better."

"Oh don't be. You always serenade me so sweetly. I can't help but fall a little more in love with you every time I hear you play something. Now, I get to hear you sing for me too, okay?"

You know you can never say no to him, but you would never hate singing for him.

[flameunquenched]

a'ight. let's talk about the netflix adaptation of avatar: the last airbender.

SPOILERS PRESENT THROUGHOUT UNDER THE CUT.

this covers eps 1-4 bc i need a break for food and stuff lmfao.

so i like probably many others went in braced with the expectation of it being...well, like a certain movie that we all like to pretend does not exist. i had seen some things, which i discussed on another post, that worried me greatly. i would consider myself an atla superfan; it was a huge part of my childhood and i can remember sitting on the floor of the living room watching sozin's comet with my brother as the finale aired for that first time. so while i was excited for the idea of a live action version, having been badly burned by the movie, i was wary.

i am pleasantly surprised to say that, other than some flaws that i will discuss, it actually was...good?

i was very concerned about the removal of sozin's comet, given how integral it is to the story. sure, you do have actors who will be aging, as it is gonna take at least probably 6 years for the whole story to wrap up. this is, of course, assuming that netflix does not yeet it after s2 as they so love to do. seeing that it was present in episode 1 was...a little confusing considering what i had read. but i'm glad that it was there.

seeing sozin himself was awesome tbh. i think that he is a really interesting character and i honestly would be thrilled to have an entire series dedicated to him and roku, with their friendship and the trials they suffered together as firelord and avatar respectively. that was always one of my favorite episodes in s3 because of the deep introspection we got and the history of those two characters. but uh yeah when he just casually burned that earthbender to death, yeah. that was kinda the first sign that this was not going to be an adaptation geared towards children.

which i guess does make sense, doesn't it? after all, those of us like myself who grew up with avatar are no longer children but instead grown adults with children of our own in some case. it's an adaptation: it has to adapt to the times.

seeing the actual genocide of the air nomads was...a lot. that is one thing i will say that the live action had over the cartoon; it is hard to show death in a cartoon intended for children which means that, in a way, it is harder to fully realize the gravity of the situation. by showing it, by showing the deaths of men, women, and children, you as the viewer get the chance to better understand what was actually lost. i think it was easier to see them not just as characters but as people.

i'll admit that the cursing threw me for a loop, lol. it was just strange to casually hear "ass" being used in the realm of atla. but, again, this comes back to the need for accepting the aging audience.

i know there had been some discussion of aging katara to 16 and de-aging sokka to 14. if that was done, there was no sign of it. i had also had concerns about the removal of sokka's sexism but, honestly, i genuinely feel like the story was made much stronger for the lack of it. i liked the replacement of his 'dad left me in charge, i'm the leader, this is all my responsibility' sooo much more because it made more sense, especially when the revelations from the episode called spirited away came to light. it worked. and it worked in a way that lent gravity to the situation rather than the rather comedic ties that the original sexism offered.

i think in terms of sheer characterization, sokka was probably the strongest overall. i feel like his actor really got the character. katara had a problem of, at times, feeling too flat, as well as lacking some of the passion that i felt the cartoon allowed her to have.

aang's actor did really well, i will say. my friend thought that he did not quite convey the joyfulness that cartoon aang had but, having had a few hours to think about that, i think that might have been purposefully done. the adaptation was, again, not aimed at young kids. it makes sense that aang should feel, especially based on his discussions with the other avatars and other central characters, more serious and concerned about the general state of the world. a century is a long time to be away and i liked the way they showed the struggle he had with the fact that his entire people were gone. he really was the last airbender and the adaptation made me feel that. sure, it came at the cost of some of that youthful joyfulness, but i think it was a fair trade overall.

i loved gran gran doing the initial intro lines with kyoshi doing the actual intro. gran gran doing it made it feel like a story, a legend, that had been told for decades.

something else i enjoyed was the way that the adaptation handled integrating in other plotlines. getting to see ozai and azula, as well as mai and ty lee, in the fire nation capital city was really interesting. to me, it was a reminder that even when other characters are focused on other things, there are always things happening. the fake out of azula being a spy for her father for rebellions was fantastic and i think a key to the beginning of her characterization as a whole. i will admit i had some concerns about azula but her actress was incredible. absolutely incredible.

sokka's chemistry with suki was SIZZLING. like that entire bit was just so good. them fighting together and training together was just. urgh. it was so good.

now a character i will say i strongly prefer in the cartoon over the live action was zhao. i felt like his actor was...just trying too hard. maybe it's because jason isaacs just has a villainous voice but the cartoon always felt scarier to me. zhao in the live action felt...cartoonish and silly. almost like his actor was not taking it seriously, if that makes sense? that was disappointing to me. zhao was meant to be the first real antagonist of the series, a villain we could really hate and root for his downfall. instead, he just sort felt cartoonish and cheezy to me. i'm not sure if that was a direction choice or just the actor failing to understand the character but that was one of my chief complaints overall.

on the opposite end, iroh was so good. let's all be real here for a moment: there was no way, no way in hell, that a live action iroh was gonna be better than the cartoon. it was not gonna happen. iroh in the original was peak character and they were never gonna recreate him. but they didn't need to! they didn't need to because the live action iroh was just so good. he brought the same sort of laid back, calm serenity that the original iroh did without feeling like a carbon copy - or worse, a caricature - of him. i loved absolutely everything about iroh.

i wanna talk about the funeral scene in e4 but i also don't wanna talk about the funeral scene in e4 because it made me BAWL LIKE AN ACTUAL BABY Y'ALL I WENT FROM PERFECTLY FINE TO TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE SOBBING BROKENLY IN .2 SECONDS. as soon as i recognized the music that was it i was done, i was gone, almost had to pause to get myself back under control. it was bad.

i really liked how they did jet. it was a little strange for that to all be taking place in omashu but i understand the necessity of pulling everything down to fewer locations.

speaking of, to address something i spoke of at some length in another post, one of my key concerns upon learning that there was not going to be the 'running around to different locations' plots was that team avatar and by extension, us the audience, would miss out on seeing the effects of a century long war. i am very happy to say that those concerns were not valid. i actually think the live action did a better job of communicating those effects in a way that was truly shocking. think about bumi, for example. a character who in the show is, really, a sort of comedy break became instead a character who felt real, felt serious, and felt like he was bruised all over by the war that he has been fighting. i was on the fence a lot about that plot change, where bumi was sort of dark and gritty, but the more i have thought about it, the more i realize that it makes sense. a hundred years is a long time to battle an enemy that, frankly, is better equipped than you. is it any wonder that he was so angry at aang, even if that anger was misplaced? i don't really think so.

i am going to stop here, get some food, shower, and discuss the last 4 episodes a little later bc this is already unbelievably long lmao.

please feel free to let me know what you thought of it!!

[zhuhongs]

well I thought I was going to fall asleep early, but it seems like I have too many things keeping me up and since its too cold to sit at my desk and write at my journal this thought is going on the internet. Tl:dr: tomorrow is my birthday. send me 50 dollars. i am going to bed. gn

Yea, recently everything just feels so.... much. Like I'm always at a state of just slightly overwhelmed that makes it feel usless to do anything. Like I'm worried about money, and I know that I have credit so I can use it and I have things that I need and things I want that I shouldn't deny myself of just because things are a bit trying (like food I want, things I need to fix). But then I can't help but have that internalized poor mantra of "why are u buying this when u have bills to pay?" which is dumb bc I deserve to use what little money I have in making my life more enjoyable . But I'm also like. sage did U really need to upgrade your phone or buy an interview shirt or hair dye? Like, no not technically, but these are things I should do to just make myself feel better. I don't want to be using a broken phone, might as well upgrade when theres a promotion that sure makes it hard right now but is a smart idea in the long run. And yes while I didn't need the dye or the shirt - it will make me more confident in my interview so I can get a higher paying job and not be surrounded by Stuff all day causing me to want to constantly buy things bc I wont be in a store 8hrs a day 5 days a week. So like, yes you do need those things and its negligible when I consider the credit I have. And even if I have some debts, I know that no one can bail me out becausemy family is in the same situation. And I have time. I just started working. Its a rough month, and the fact that I have a trip planned makes it even harder. Because that means more money. But if I always deny myself the opportunity to go and do things bc I don't have the money then I'd never leave my house ever, and thats how I grew up and I was miserable and the money will be gone and the month will be tight anyways so just go anddon't think about it. But I do think about it, because it's hard, and I work so hard my entire life, for what? To pay rent?? other people my age get to say the money they make and build a life yet I was dealt a shitty hand and have had to spend my time working for something people are given. And it hurts bc I've wasted so much time and worked so much andhave 9 dollars to my name and so much debt. But I will find a way. ANd it will all be paid off. I don' know how but I've done this same thing before, cried about it, and went to work the next day and figured it out. And my mother has done this everyday for the past 30 years, and I feel so sorryforher because I know it's hard. And she deserves so much more and I want to give it to her, and I'm not even 23. And tomorrow is my birthday and I have to go work. Even if I called out I don't know what it would help. And I want to go out with my friends and have a good time but I need to paymy car and I need to pay my bills. And I work 9 to 5 and when I get home I have to walk my dog and make dinner. And it's cold. And by the time all of that is done I feel like I have no time to make art or practice chinese or do any of my hobbies and better myself. I''m so tired that all I do is sleep. And I feel myself falling into old habits. And I hate it, i hate it, I am trying so hard to clawmy way out of it. It's starting with a simple routine. Even if it hasn't gotten to the point where I sit and draw or read or write every day. At least I do the dishes when I finish eating, brush my teeth twice a day, foldmy clothes, make my bed, stay off my phone during my breaks, and pack a lunch. Even if that's something I should have achieved long ago, I didn't. So now I need to do that before I can learn how to do hwat I want sadly, because dreamings costs money and dreaming requires habits. AAAAAA. okay. I need to go to bed bc I need to be up at 8am to get ready for work. Happy bday to me.

[dawnfelagund]

Independent Archive Survey

What concerns about independent archives do you have?

small archives can close without warning: 72% multiple small archives make it harder to find fanworks to read/view: 71% crossposting to multiple archives is time-consuming: 54% activity on small archives may be too low or drop off over time: 49% small sites can become cliquish or otherwise exclude some fans: 48% I'm unsure if software is being maintained and regular backups made: 44% small sites may not have the features I want or have come to depend on: 43% smaller sites may be difficult or unfamiliar to use: 39% I may have a smaller audience for my fanworks, fewer comments, etc.: 35% I may not be able to archive all of my fanworks in one place: 32% small archives put too much power/control in the hands of one or a few people: 22% my fandom friends may not be interested in the same archives I am: 21% I don't have any concerns about small archives: 1% I don't know: 2% Responses in the "other" field:

many of the concerns about the otw apply to smaller archives as well

site design - i haven't seen a single-fandom archive whose design i like as much or find as easy to use (as a reader and author) as ao3. given the choice between reading the same fic on swg and ao3, i'll chose ao3 because it's easier on my eyes

subcat of "too much power" -- smaller archives may go down if the maintainer can no longer fulfill their duties

Fics being used in AI without author consent, changing/unclear guidelines, fanworks being removed without warning (ie. FFN, LJ, at the will of moderators bc they don’t like xyz)

Responses: 82

Analysis

What leaped out at me in these results was the most-chosen concern: that small archives may close without warning. I have come to think of the unannounced archive transfers/closures of archives in the Tolkien fanworks fandom as its "collective trauma" and felt myself rather dramatic for using those particular terms, but this suggests I'm not that far off-base. The whole concept of independent community archives, in my mind, is predicated upon an assumption of caring that exceeds what a large organization (like the OTW) or for-profit site (like FFN or Wattpad) can reasonably be expected to muster. The closure of a small site, without warning and the chance for people to save fanworks, undermines that basic assumption. Future archive owners, take note: What can you do to alleviate this worry that your archive will rip the rug out from under its users? This is definitely an issue I believe we need to address collectively moving forward. What do best practices in this area look like?

Difficulty finding fanworks to read/view is hot on the heels of archive closures, however, as far as concerns. With these data in hand, I'd love to know more about the specifics of this concern. Is this around search features (which were mentioned in another free-response field elsewhere in the survey) not working as well as they should? Is it about having to visit multiple sites, especially when those sites may not have new content every day? What can a small site offer that makes it easier for users to access new fanworks without having to visit daily? (Social media? Newsletters? What else?)

The middle of the pack in the data are mostly concerns around convenience and traffic, the latter of which translates into not just comments but feeling like a site is part of a living community. It's hard to argue with convenience; smaller sites are less convenient than a large site that includes everything or almost everything. Furthermore, the ubiquity of large sites—specifically AO3—makes "different" feel like "inconvenient" when it's actually not. The fact that a small archive doesn't behave exactly like AO3 is not an inconvenience anymore than it is an inconvenience when the produce section is the right in Grocery A and the left in Grocery B, but people will treat it as such because they have become so ingrained to doing and seeing and experiencing things only one way. (This is probably true of the internet and websites more broadly.) As site owners, we have to remain cognizant of how we can offer what AO3 et al cannot—which I would argue is community and consideration for individual users and fandom cultures—and how we can support new creators and visitors as they use something not-AO3.

Finally, the two lowest concerns surprised me. I thought that, in light of what has happened with the OTW this year, "too much power/control in the hands of one or a few people" would rank much higher. Perhaps it is knowing that those in leadership roles are people you know, versus people who feel at best unreachable and at worst are entirely anonymous, that makes the difference, the fandom version of the small-town ideal of being able to trust someone on the basis of a handshake (and the fact that you will have to look each other in the eye during routine community encounters). Perhaps it is an assumption of transparency that comes with that knowing. I'm sure I was not the only person surprised by the breadth and depth of dysfunction at the OTW, but I always had a sense back in the day about which small-site archivists were struggling to keep up with their sites, or which communities were dramamongers, or which moderators played favorites or otherwise acted in ways that were unfair.

The last concern, about using archives that one's friends do not, is an interesting shift because I recall this as a primary reason for some fandoms, including Tolkien, not adopting new platforms in the past (e.g., Dreamwidth and Tumblr), because one's friends weren't there. I wonder the extent to which this lack of concern reflects the lack of community on large sites. Convenience and universality have superseded community and connection as considerations—but that's part of the point, isn't it?

What is the independent archive survey?

The independent archive survey ran from 23 June through 7 July 2023. Eighty-two respondents took the survey during that time. The survey asked about interest in independent archives and included a section for participants interested in building or volunteering for an independent archive. The survey was open to all creators and readers/viewers of fanworks.

What is an independent archive?

The survey defined an independent archive as "a website where creators can share their fanworks. What makes it 'independent' is that it is run by fans but unaffiliated with any for-profit or nonprofit corporations or organizations. Historically, independent archives have grown out of fan communities that create fanworks."

Follow the tag #independent archives for more survey results and ongoing work to restore independent archives to fandoms that want them.

Independent Archives Survey Masterpost

[vhvrs]

Hello I'm so sorry to randomly put this in your inbox, but I have some real questions that I'm kind of too scared to ask anyone else?

I think I'm... I think I finally admitted that I might be trans? I think? I've been so terrified of calling myself that, especially out loud, because I've been so scared that I'm accidentally being transphobic when I can't even figure out my own identity? I'm AFAB, and I like having a very pretty "girl" body and even adore hyperfeminine "girl" things. Like, I love girly stuff and dressing like a girl? Is it the looking like a girl I like? But like, something has always felt off and like it wasn't quite right to just be a "she"? It's so hard to explain because for years I was just a girl, using feminine pronouns and everything. But as I've gotten older, I found myself using they/them more and more often, but it's actually in the last week or so that I've started using he/him pronouns officially instead of just in my head. And guess what? It felt amazing doing it! But here's my problem: What is it called when you're AFAB, do still really like very feminine things and "looking/acting like a girl", but want to use he/him pronouns? I'm so scared and confused and I feel so ashamed because I'm scared I'm just CIS with extra steps? Like, I see a lot of posts that say a lot of people are just muddying the waters and making things even harder for other transgender people, and I would never want to hurt anybody like that! I've tried Googling my question several times, each a different way because I was worried I wasn't wording it properly? But all the results I get are mixed and I'm confused what they mean. Am I allowed to be a boy that's... like, likes being a "girl", just not called a girl? Or at least isn't called a girl all the time? Just sometimes when I feel like it? Maybe?

I know this is all some really heavy stuff and I'm so sorry for just dropping this on you, but I really need help and I don't know where else to turn. If you're unable to help, do you know some other resources that I might try to look for? I'm sorry. You just seem so confident in yourself and your art has been really helpful, but I wanted to ask because I was hoping that I could maybe just get, like... even a sliver of what might be wrong with me? As dumb as this sounds, I'm scared of just being CIS (Again, I am so sorry for this long post, this text really got away from me)

hey i appreciate you feeling like i was the person to come to w this off the bat and not to fret about the ask at all bc im abt to overexplain myself right back - ive been in this exact same position actually! i had a long struggle moving from being a girl into being where i am now and where i am now is.... who knows! ive been figuring myself out for like. eight years at this point n i expect to keep figuring myself out even longer. the train of thought youre on reminds ne a LOT of how i felt when i started thinking i wasnt cis though so ill just kindve. dump what has helped me? and you can take what you want from it.

point blank anyone who says its possible for other trans ppl or even just ppl exploring their gender to bring harm back into the community are full of shit. they said this when i thought i was a genderfluid demigirl eight yrs ago. theyll keep saying it. it will continue to not be true. ive had friends who explored their gender identities and realized they were cis and if anything its really healthy for them and the community! its not bad to go thru that.

on topic, i could try to point you towards specific labels or communities but trying to get caught up in those can sometimes just confuse or scare you more - again speaking from experience trying to google just what i was and what i was going thru. especially trying to figure everything out at once.

like i label myself as a bi agender bc its EASY n to have a vague thing to tell ppl or put on pride icons but at the end of the day, im just theo. thats my identity n that could be yours too! when i think abt my bf, im a gay man. when im watching crazy girlies on a show, im a girl. when i want to buy nonbinary merch bc nobody makes agender merch, im nonbinary. im just theo no matter what.

you dont sound cis and thats the most important thing to remember. even if you were somehow cis w extra steps bc thats. not a thing. even if you looked n acted n dressed exactly as you did when you viewed yourself before all of this but FELT you werent that presentation, you wouldnt be cis. you could like... be a girl but a bit to the left and youd be trans.

also, perhaps changing the language you think abt yourself with may help you rule out whats going on? instead of seeing things in a v binary girl things vs boy things way? its hard bc like. gender based society but trying to not see dressing a certain way as being feminine/dressing like a girl and certain pronouns being like. boy/masculine pronouns can really help! if you mean you dont want to bind or you like dresses, then you can do those things in a masc or fem or any way u want - its YOU doing it. if you want those things to be girl things bc it helps, then theyre girl things! if seeing them as boy things helps, then they're boy things!

im sorry if i... didnt really answer your question or help ultimately but i just remember how much wanting definite answers didn't really help me at the time so i dont want to say like. oh youre nonbinary! oh youre genderfluid! oh youre a demigirl! oh youre a he/him girl! being trans is so different for everyone n thats ultimately why you may be struggling to find specific answers.

honestly? id keep doing what youre doing and trying different gender affirming things like you are. something will click as you do and youll come to realizations that, in that space, will help you a lot. perhaps itll be something that changes but it will click eventually.

i literally felt like i was transphobic towards trans men for having he/him in my pronouns for YEARS bc i wasnt Being Male Enough to earn them. but i no longer see myself as needing to be masc to prove i deserve to be called a he. to me, thats as genderless as they/them. shits weird n personal n a bit cringe.

nothings wrong w you for not having things figured out either. you will. i promise.

[taegularities]

Ah Rid, you don't have to worry about me truly. I've just been in my feels recently and especially tonight. I hope this little ramble doesn't just pile on bad vibes onto you when you're already feeling down because that's the last thing I want 🥺🥺🥺 But I guess it's better if I don't just let these thoughts fester in my head huh?

It's really not even anything that bad or big, but lately I've just felt quite... lonely irl. Or maybe more like craving deeper human connection? Because I do have people around me that I talk to and hang out with but it doesn't exactly feel enough. And thinking about it more it doesn't even have to be romantic (although that's where my brain went to at first) but just something closer, more intimate and personal.

All of that had me thinking back to the many friendships I've been in in the past years and how the atmosphere in a lot of them was very negative, so that's why I kept changing friend groups a lot. And then I was finally in a place where I had two very close girl friends and everything was so positive and uplifting, it was really nice. We naturally drifted apart and I'm fine with that, I just miss that closeness and positive energy, that connection and feeling of knowing each other so well.

And I was so excited to start uni because I actually love the process of initially getting to know people too, but now I just want something more 😔😔😔

I feel like that's definitely something that I should actively be building up too though so it feels like if it makes me so sad, why aren't I doing something about it yk? That's something I should probably think about more, how to make it happen. I just feel like not only do I want more love to be given to me, but also even more like I have so much love to give and nobody to give it to.

That being said I'm grateful for all of the people in my life. And feeling like this recently has made me appreciate everybody I've met online so so so much more than I already was. Everyone here, including you, Rid, makes me feel so so very happy and loved. It's just not easy when one of my main love languages is physical touch and everyone's all over the world and I can't actually hug you lmao.

I reeeeally wasn't sure if I should ramble to you because as I said, I didn't want to add onto your bad feelings, but I don’t think I can really say this to anyone else without feeling silly and I believe in the benefit of letting your feelings out. So thank you as always for listening, Rid. Please don't feel obligated to reply or anything if you don't have the emotional energy, it just feels good to put these thoughts out there.

I truly believe that we'll all be okay very very soon. I'm sending you the biggest hugs and all of the love in the world 💞💞💞

awh god, bby :((

reading this made me so sad. don't feel bad about it, it just means i care btw! i just hate that so many people have been feeling that way. i honestly get that 100% bc i too have been feeling a lot like this in the past few months.

loneliness sucks. sometimes you want to talk about something, but you don't know with whom. or sometimes, you want to go for lunch or dinner or go see a movie but can't figure out who to ask. i get it... i think there's always a point in life when loneliness strikes hardest, but i think we need to keep in mind that it's not our fault, or at least not always.

like, you said you know you could change it if you just tried, or that you need to push yourself harder. which is good. it's always great to acknowledge what can be done. but, and i always tell that myself too, it's not always easy and that's okay!! don't put yourself down. like, opening up can be fkn hard, especially after this stupid pandemic, so it's genuinely okay if it takes some time, you know? i was excited for uni as well bc i thought i could finally make new friends, but then you enter the room and just... ugh it's hard. ofc we crave intimate relationships of any kind, and yes friendships drift apart, but finding new ones just requires patience i think.

those are all things i tell myself daily. bc otherwise id spiral more lol and yes i'm so so thankful for everyone here, too. i love all my virtual moots and friends and readers and everyone, but it stinks that i can't hug anyone, so yeah ofc we'd want that irl warmth.

it'll happen !! take your time, dive into relationships step by step, doesn't have to happen overnight. there's this jk biased army girl, right? try with her if you'd like, but don't push yourself too hard. be comfortable. and also, never feel bad for venting, bc while i worry, your pain won't add to mine. like, i like to help.. so it's alright, anytime. and yeah, we'll be okay, at least at some point, you're right my love 💕

[beautiless]

i have one of the most considered “ugly” can someone have which is receded chin and the fact it’s considered deformity makes me want to unlive myself

im struggle so hard to let go of wanting to be beautiful but i cant when i have this thing it’s driving insane

do you have tips or anything to say i would really really need it rn 💕

oh i'm so sorry you're feeling like that :( i really get it, i obsess over my supposed flaws like crazy too... sometimes i'll literally be sitting by myself doing whatever and suddenly i start spiralling into that kind of thought, that i must somehow fix myself right now bc how dare i exist in an "ugly" state

do you watch a lot of tiktok? bc i swear never did i give a second thought to chin shapes before i started seeing shit about it there, these stupid body trends are really out of control. i think as long as your mandible placement isn't causing you health issues (in which case you can get braces if i'm not wrong?), it's just a characteristic like any other: pointy noses, wide foreheads, etc. just because people are calling it a "deformity" doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. i know it must be hard to hear them refer to it that way though :(

this may be TMI but one of my biggest insecurities is my labia shape, which isn't helped AT ALL by plastic surgeons calling visible labia minora "hypertrophied", as if it was a horrible disfigurement. but it's not. it's funny how we can obsess over random, specific body parts, isn't it?

i'm sorry if i'm just rambling, but something that does help me sometimes is thinking about the infinite inscurities different people have: just as i never think about people's chins, some people find it insane to worry about labia shape. i know people who are insecure of their hands or even their nails, and i know for a fact i personally would never think of judging theirs... so in the end, everything is just a characteristic. a neutral state.

i know face insecurities may be harder to overcome this way, because your face is usually much more tied to your identity, so here's a last thought: i have a cat with very weird, asymmetrical markings on her face. i don't think much about it but sometimes i see her reflection on the mirror and it really stands out when flipped. she's also the loveliest creature in the entire world :) her little face, unique as it is, is very dear to me. and i hope people who love me will see my unique face the same way.

[adelle-ein]

hi! i cant believe i saw ur post about my tags! (no worries about @ing or not @ing me.) and ur SO RIGHT about the quality being too high for 2013… (id also love an aesthetic writeup)

it really was just a surprise because the number of gif creators has been drastically reduced since this post type has been dying out on all other platforms. for me it gave me the similar vibe of recent dvd movies being redesigned for vhs covers (tho not quite that old). it was super charming!

and i hope i didnt imply that your gif work was bad or outdated! i think the colors are quite fitting and the quality speaks for itself.

im quite new to the fe3h and ferdibert scene, so im having a great time trawling tumblr for all the great posts ive missed since 2019. i was quite happy to see this particular gif post because it felt like such a classic tumblr staple, like all ships need (at least) one dedicated set of gifs/edits, and this was the one i needed 🥰

thanks again, for both your original post AND reply!

Hi! I'm glad there's no worries there, I went back and forth for a bit and I didn't want it to feel like a callout post because. it was very much not! I just wanted to talk about gif stuff a little bit

and I definitely don't feel bad about your comments or anything! At first I was surprised but when I went and looked at the gifset I definitely agreed with you (despite nitpicks about the time period heh.) It did make me think about how, in general, I don't think tumblr gif-making trends have continued changing as much since the mid-2010s, and if they have I stopped really keeping up with them. I think some of that is probably just me, esp due to my never buying Photoshop CC (i remember looking at others' methods in maybe 2016ish and seeing that I just didn't have the tools others did anymore. my old CS6 is still chugging along…) but also due to the site becoming less popular over time and there being less interest and fewer people getting into gif-making. Like you said it's a bit of a dying medium, and it's never really been a popular post type on other platforms, so if not for tumblr who would people be making gifsets for?

Lol I definitely feel you about that style of post being an older ship staple though! It used to be such a common thing that every fandom had (albiet less for video games bc that's often harder - I do not honestly remember really making that series of 3h ship gifs but that was definitely dedication to the cause at the time, there was so little media to work with). Now a bit of a dying art alas (including from me since I don't really make many gifs at all anymore….learning to draw instead for a number of reasons)

Anyway yes that was a fun rabbit hole to go down! Genuinely I would love to read a Tumblr gif/graphic aesthetic writeup - putting framerates aside I don't think people really use textures that much anymore for example unless they need a background, and sharpening has definitely been toned down. And fewer song quotes. And filters still lean more pastel than the really saturated stuff in the early 2010s. But I don't really have the time atm to do some kind of deep dive myself…it would be really neat though!

(Also just in general as someone who never left, seeing the site come back to life a little bit as the twitter BS kicked off has been fun…idk if it will last but i'm enjoying it while it does!)

[malewifemammon]

oh yeah baby kam's peter post made me want to share some of my own thoughts abt him (but also i didn't wanna tack em on in a reblog bc my thoughts r very related to Personal Stuff About Me and i didn't want to make their post my storytime i guess haha)

cw for mentions of sexual harassment/assault under the cut, as well as discussion of germophobia and ocd! also uh maybe some peter hate so if u don't wanna read that don't open the post! and have a nice day ^_^

so like i'm definitely not the type of person to say that nobody should ever like characters who do bad things, or that unhealthy relationships should Never be portrayed in art. so if you like peter or his dynamic with alice, please don't take this as me saying you shouldn't do that.

but like i've been into this series since i was about twelve or maybe even eleven? (long hours largely unsupervised with my best friend at the local library waiting for my mom to finish work) and while i definitely didn't understand healthy relationship dynamics all that much, i still took issue with peter forcing a kiss on alice from the get-go. i'll be honest, that along with his attitude towards her made me hate him right off the bat. these days i definitely think he has interesting and/or comedic potential in some situations, but that particular side of him still freaks me out. obviously. he was my least favorite of alice's potential interests (besides the twins).

BUT something kam brought up in their post kind of clicked with me.

around middle school, i started developing symptoms of ocd (i think triggered by a lot of stressful life events happening in quick and intense succession on top of the usual chaos of middle school). eventually it got on to be actual ocd, which i still deal with to this day. and my biggest trigger has been germs/uncleanliness. i didn't used to have this obsession with contamination, so i'm pretty sure i didn't have it when i first got into nkna. but as time went on i saw more and more of myself in that aspect of peter.

i really didn't want to, since i disliked him so much (not to mention how often ocd or similar traits are either played for jokes in most media or given to eccentric villain types to make them seem more Weird™). but over time it got harder to ignore.

kam brings up that bc of his germophobia, peter doesn't really have much experience in the way of romantic/sexual interactions. and it made me think of myself.

because aside from my tendency to not be able to interact with others all that well, my cleanliness ocd is a big stumbling block in the way of physical intimacy, of ANY kind, but especially romantic/sexual since that tends to be more... involved. and there's the screenshot of peter telling alice smth about how he doesn't mind Her Germs specifically, which is probably something i've said almost word for word to my own partner. they were my first for a lot of things, both because of my anxiety but also because of the germ thing. (side note i love them very much they're so cool and good about My Tendencies lol) and it can be really weird to be in a relationship with someone who has a lot more experience than you sometimes, because it can be easy to worry that you're somehow letting them down (not that i get the sense alice gets out all that much either, but still). but i also know the overwhelming joy and relief that comes with finding someone whose germs you don't mind.

AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY haha because i still don't really like peter! i think it's funny to bully him but also sometimes he does genuinely anger me. and it's been an odd experience to feel myself become more like him in this very specific way over the years, to relate to some of his fears and such. not to mention, i don't remember his germophobia being played as a joke all that much?

i mean there probably are moments where it is, i wouldn't be surprised, but comparing the way he's treated as opposed to, say, death the kid from soul eater... it feels different. [i could make a whole other post about my feelings on kid but i digress]

he's just a character that i personally have a lot of really complex feelings about, because on the one hand he can be a total scumbag who i hate, but on the other hand he seems to encapsulate certain struggles i've dealt with that i don't see illustrated in media very often. he's really important to me but also i want to kick the shit out of him ^_^

anyway. i don't think i really had A Point to all of this, just wanted to jot down some of my own ideas on him ig

[laximpulsion]

Director's Cut Commentary, Ch. 2-6 oh, she's the one i should hate

Since I'm just about at the end of what I had originally planned for this story i thought it might be an appropriate place to pause for some reflection... more under the cut because it got kinda long and i dont want to inflict blog-length posts on your dash without warning lol

So I thought this was going to be just like, some la-di-da high school romcom AU that would never get very feelings-y or anything, and i CERTAINLY did not expect to have actual character development lol. but it got kinda real??? I mean obviously compared to other things i've written it's still pretty la-di-da and im not planning on having any big-time angst, but i've ended up really invested in it and enjoying a lot of the turns it's taken for both fatin and leah.

i think i've said this before but i'll say it any chance i can get... i have loved getting to show this from both of their POVs; i think it's worked out well and it's been such a great, rewarding challenge to weave the story together through both of their eyes. i love that i get to draw parallels between how and what the two of them think about each other, and i like getting to dig into what moments cause shifts for each of them; what do each of them fixate on; how do they interpret the same event differently... it's been really fun.

and just in general i cant overemphasize how much fun this one has been to write. i almost always enjoy writing, whether it's angst or fluff, whether it goes slow or quickly, even when im feeling uninspired/stuck, it's satisfying to just get some words down. but theres a difference between enjoying it/finding it satisfying, and like, literally being entertained by it. and this one i am just...having FUN! and it's awesome. i think it also helps that my frame of mind going into it was that i wasn't going to take it super seriously (vs. my s3 fic which i am arguably taking TOO seriously and need to loosen the fuck up about) so it's easier for me to roll with the punches when things get off track.

speaking of which... things got off track! little miss leah rilke refused to cooperate with me, which is such a bizarre sensation because i know i'm the one writing her, but it really feels like a couple times this fic she has literally just rebelled against me. the first was when fatin presented the revenge scheme; i intended for leah to hop right on board but instead she got worried about it being traced back to her. which i think makes sense because the way she's been this fic is very concerned about what people are saying/thinking about her. the other time just recently happened while i was writing the next chapter and now it's leaving me kind of at a crossroads wondering if I want to stick to my original plan or go with what Leah seems to want me to do lol.

and obviously the first time leah went rogue I adjusted the story so that they don't do a really big revenge scheme, and i dont regret that, i think it makes sense and i have one more revenge plan related plot beat that i think will wrap it up nicely. so honestly im thinking I'll just adjust things again...because it kind of feels like this is what's supposed to happen anyway, like, i'm letting the characters call the shots instead of trying to shoehorn them into my own plotlines. maybe? something like that? ok, this is getting a little pretentious lol sorry...

what else...mmm...i think thats actually all for now! until next time...

EDIT: oh yea actually i have more. i had to "kill my darlings" a couple times for this fic, i.e. get rid of a scene/plotline that i really liked but that i just couldnt justify keeping after i decided to go in a different direction. i'd never had to do that before and it's harder than i expected it to be! the first one was that i changed the party scene, which was not a huge tragedy bc i think it was the right choice but there are a few lines/ideas from that that i was sad to lose. i'm making myself feel better about it by tacking it on as a bonus chapter at the end so at least i didn't write it for nothing lol. the other one i'm even more bummed to let go of because it is so dumb and messy and i love idiots and mess, but if i go in the direction that leah seems to want me to, i don't think it'll make sense to keep it. i am optimistic that i'll be able to work the general idea into another fic, but it won't be quite the same. so maybe i'll offer that one up as another bonus chapter.

[t33nunic0rnz]

post meet!

okay, so i just got home from my meet, it went okay, i got 6/9, really struggled with bench and got 2 red lights on my last deadlift attempt (soft lockout but it was not that heavy for me). just some initial thoughts, i am stoned so they might be all over the place: overall it was pretty fun, i definitely understand why people like competing. i had really strong squats bc i kept them super low since they have been a struggle lately, but everything felt super light and good there.

that gave me some confidence out the gate, which was nice.

then my bench opener was 57.5kg and it was ezpz, but i failed my next two, idk why exactly, just seemed like i didn't have it in me. my third attempt the bar bounced on my chest so it took ages to get the press command, and idk it just messed me up. i benched 140, failed 145 during my last heavy week, so maybe i already wasn't feeling confident, and my shoulder injury/hypermobility stuff is flaring up because i've been working so much and not standing. so that was definitely a factor, and it makes sense that i'd have a hard time. i had a harder time setting up in their rack and that played a factor. so lesson there is, stand more at work, keep up with pt exercises, and my bench will do better. and make sure i keep healthy boundaries with work and don't overwork myself.

i really want my bench to get better, but it's hard, it seems to be stagnating/getting worse. i was so close to really benching my bodyweight and now i feel like i'm further away, and im not sure why. probably stress from work and the above shoulder pain. i was feeling amazing about my bench in january, doing 145x2. I supposed it's not that big of a drop, it just sucks that it coincides with my first meet. but you win some, you lose some.

deadlifts honestly felt great, like i really wasn't worried about them at all, i am pretty confident in my deadlift these days. watching the videos back, while the lifts go up quickly and they're (mostly) well executed, i definitely was rushing my setup because of my nerves. to no one's surprise, i was kind gripping and ripping, which can bug my back, and isn't the best way to do the lift. so i think the best thing there is practice really. i just honestly didn't feel like i was rushing it all that much, but i really wasn't pulling slack enough. i think those bad habits will probably always creep up under times of anxiety (like right before a pr usually) if i keep practicing doing a thorough setup with heavier weights it will get easier to do. obvs.

honestly very proud of my deadlift, that is my best lift by far. and that weight felt so easy, it gets me super excited, like maybe i can actually lift more than that. so i will try and push myself when deadlifting a bit more and see what i can really do. though really, whatever i'm doing with my deadlift training seems to be working, so maybe i should just keep on keeping on.

so anyway, just some initial thoughts. i did have fun so i might do it again next year, but i didn't really see any other meets that i would want to do this year. garage gym competition is in a few weeks, but i don't feel energized to do that. i want to spend more time biking outside now that it's spring.

as far as future training goes, idk exactly, i still really love getting stronger, as long as my joints can keep up. would like to get leaner for the summer (in a healthy way). i have a couple programs kind of already ready to go, one is jeff nippard's powerbuilding 2 and the other is my usual stronger by science reps to failure bullshit. i know the sbs programming works for me, i have gotten way stronger since i started using it. but i was following powerbuilding this year when i was hitting those PRs, so who knows. what i think was going on there really is that i was stronger than i thought i was for a while, and i wasn't lifting heavy enough weight. i also think i made great gains from my last cycle in november, and i have been very consistent in my training since then. so really i don't think it came down to the programming. one thing that i love is overwarm singles, so i was adding that into his powerbuilding program for fun and (hopefully) gains and i want to keep doing that. i think that my peaking and rest time was just about right for this meet. i think if my shoulder had been in a better place i would have done better on bench.

either way i will probably just bike tomorrow, rest tuesday, and lift wednesday. by then i will likely have a feel for what i want to do programming-wise, and i'll get back to it. i think i will take a week or so off bench and shoulder stuff, and really focus on PT. i want to work on getting my squat deeper to protect my knee, which luckily doesn't feel bad post-meet.

i will probably write more later after i have had more time to think, for now i am going to puzzle and watch cozy vintage gaming youtube

[annoyingfobbie]

long personal post that I'm kind of just making for my own reference later on, below:

been very seriously considering breaking edge recently. Idk, i feel like now that I'm not a teenager, a lot of my fears about how i'd treat alcohol and substances no longer apply as much. The reasons I kept edge for so long despite it being like really really difficult at times were 1. bc I'm the queen of self sabotage and I felt like if I allowed myself to drink and do drugs, I'd use them to do that, 2. i get extremely addicted to things extremely easily. I know that a lot of people say that but trust me like i'm REALLY bad about it, and I have no self control when it comes to the things I'm addicted to. And those things aren't even supposed to be addictive!!!!, and then lastly, 3. the general straightedge punk subculture is something that has always appealed to me a lot and I have a lot of respect for it.

Now. Things have changed a bit. Now that I'm, like, an adult, it'll be a lot more difficult for me to get away with using drugs and alcohol to self sabotage. It'll be really obvious if I start doing that, which will make it easy for me to spot, as well as all the people around me that care about me. When I was still a teenager, everyone around me was drinking too much and using drugs unhealthily, because its just kind of that stage of your life, you know? It would be easier to brush off as just doing what everyone else was doing. With my second point, yeah, I still am worried about addiction, very much so, in fact. But I think that my fear of it is healthy in the sense that I'll really keep an eye on myself, as will the people around me. Similar to my previous point, basically. And then three.... theres a lot of great in the straightedge community and theres a lot of bad. thats just with everything. And if it doesn't really suit my lifestyle anymore, then I'm not gonna stick with it just because I like the idea of the subculture.

My reasons for wanting to break edge rn are as follows: I want to be able to loosen up and feel more comfortable in certain social situations. like, liquid courage, or whatever. I wanna be able to have fun and shit. I don't feel any kind of desire to start getting *drunk* drunk ever, I just wanna be able to get buzzed when i go out with my friends, or when we're watching the football game or whatever. Thats it.

my NEW worries about it are these: I'm worried about breaking edge making it harder for me to not smoke cigarettes, which is NOT something I should ever do, and I know that. But I always really really want to. but its really bad for you and nicotine addiction fucks with your life and shit and I know that. But god I want to so bad. I'm worried that if I start drinking, I'll start breaking other rules I've set for myself, like no cigarettes. I'm also worried that it'll help a little too much with my social anxiety lol. Its really common for people with social anxiety to become alcoholics because they use it too much as a social crutch. I can definitely see that happening for me.

Anyways yeah I just wanted to make this post for myself to get my thoughts together and to be able to look at later, and also see if anyone else is or has been straightedge and has any sort of thoughts or advice!

[satans-codpiece]

Okay so I proved myself wrong, about me saying I'm dropping everything I'm doing to read your stuff. I found out about Eleven Years Chpt. 5 in the morning and had to go to work RIP. Needless to say I was very distracted and as soon as I got home I got ON IT-

Bit of a shame for my wireplay obsessed ass you didn't go a bit harder on that but GOd it was still hell of a ride. Reader getting handsy after the fucking and Ram not handling it well™ was.... oooooof. I'm so normal-

I guess since I got on the EY hype train, mind if I just, go nuts a little more??? I could be biased here cuz Ramram, but HOW did you actually, genuinely make me feel sad for the captor in a Stockholm syndrome scenario????? HELLO???? What wizardry did you pull to do that??????? Like yeah Ram kidnapped reader and is lowkey torturing them without fully realizing it, but he's so awfully genuine with everything else????????????

And just. Okay slightly late to the party but in chpt. 4, the conversation about Ram being afraid of touch both to not accidentally harm reader AND the reputation of his model is just....... When I read that, my reaction could only be described as going absolutely fucking feral. Bro do not EVER worry about characterization again because jeSUS CHRIST-

I actually ended up showing that set of paragraphs to a friend that isn't in this fandom much (likes a different hero a whole lot and is loosely aware of everyone else, kind of like me actually lol) aaaaand their reaction was pretty much the same as mine-

And to not ignore what you replied with my last anon ask bc lordy I'd feel bad: ... I mean.... if you wanna build up to a big piv scene.... *glosses over your WIP list* I can see Hanakaki going there pretty easily, without all the painful emotional mindfuckery that comes with kidnapping...

LMAO I feel like Blizz employees (the creative art-related team, to be more accurate) are not really allowed to interact with fandom so their ideas don't get influenced by fanon and therefore the company does not get accused of stealing ideas or whatever. BUT, here's a funny idea... since these people write fanfiction that is actually canon... Can you imagine someone writing out their dirtiest fantasies and said writing having to be actually archived at Blizz because intellectual property LOOOOOL-

soBBING THAN K YOU this was such a delight to open my inbox to!!!

hehehe for what it's worth, if I do end up writing the prequel there will be a bigger focus on wireplay (given that it's before he's made any modifications to himself) :3c

but ah I'm so glad you sympathized with Ramattra because that's exactly what I wanted!! He's done something awful- is doing something awful- but he's doing it because he loves you so much. Everything he's done, he's done because he's had a hard life and you were one of so few good things he's had. I really wanted the reader (ie the real people not the stand in character) to have... complicated feelings about this version of Ramattra.

and ;_; thank you... being OOC is truly just my nightmare of writing, I need my blorbos to be perfectly canon-aligned (or explicitly AU'd) or I'll die.

but in particular fjdshg yes! When Ramattra was actually striving for peace, he had to work against such heavy biases against him simply because of his model (both the vendor in Nepal and Nameless make comments on him being an r-7000 as soon as he meets them), so he must be acutely aware that he is treated differently than other omnics.

HAHAHA it's SO funny of all my WIPs you mention hanahaki... because 1) Hanahaki is actually like 4 paragraphs from being done and 2) there isn't a shred of nsfw in it! I wrote it just to write some angsty pre-relationship stuff, but ultimately just is emotional porn, nothing physical.

Ah that's probably to some degree true! I'd love to see someone working w Blizz just. sit on all their nsfw fics and works until they quit and be like. 'haha yeah i JUST made all these. definitely not under contract w Blizz dont worry about it :>' [piles of concept Ramattra porn fall out of their jacket]