#no one i know irl is chronically online enough to understand those words so i go the only place i can

[littleroott]

donghua jinlong industrial grade glycine is tiktok’s goncharov and i stand by this

[castielslostwings]

A Eulogy and Obituary for Dagny Ayn September 13, 1978 -- February 2023.

I am devastated beyond words to share that the wonderful Dagny Ayn (who you may know as daynz or meta_castiel on twitter) is no longer with us. Her sudden passing is a shock and the urge to speculate on details is understandable, but I hope we can focus on her light instead, because Dagny doesn't deserve to have her life defined by how it ended. Dagny did not receive the recognition of her life and memorialization of her existence that she deserved out in the real world, so I thought to give it to her here, as well as create a place for those of us who loved her to come together and grieve, to share about her memory as we should.

Dagny was here. Please read and celebrate her life with me.

To do it online seems right. I truly believe Dagny would approve. The online Supernatural fandom (and especially the Destiel-friendly spaces), served as her community, her chosen family. Like so many of us, fandom was her life vest, her social circle, her escape from the harshness of the non-virtual world, and the source of most joy in her life. To anyone who knew her, it was no secret as to how much Dagny loved this little corner of the internet.

On a personal note, Dagny was one of the first people I connected with after joining the fandom, and we immediately bonded over our mutual love for Buffy and Supernatural. Especially Willow/Tara, Misha Collins, Castiel, and Destiel. We shared many similar life struggles, from past trauma and complex parental relationships to mental health and disability challenges to a lack of IRL support and chronic loneliness.

The friend group I shared with her and @coinofstone was one of the safest places I have ever known. Talking to Dagny never failed to leave me feeling heard and understood. I hope I was able to do the same for her.

Dagny was strong. Despite the many obstacles life constantly hurled in her direction, she was always looking forward and moving towards the future. She saw the best in people, even those who failed her, those who didn't deserve her grace and forgiveness. She loved her mother more than anything in the world, and Chelsea, her cat, a very close second.

(she would definitely want me to show you Chelsea!) When Dagny's mother and main support system passed unexpectedly in recent years, Dagny was handed a new armful of struggles and asked to face an uncertain future without the person she loved most and with barely enough resources to survive. She was uprooted from her home and moved clear across the country, losing so much in the process and dropped in a precarious situation. Despite all of that, she had big goals for herself. She was working hard to build the life she wanted despite a major lack of family & IRL support as well as her own demons.

Dagny was amazing at appreciating the simplest things. A free coffee at Tim's, some stickers in the mail, or a small windfall that allowed her to purchase a meal kit from the grocery store would brighten her entire week and she would gush about how happy she was for days. When she first moved cities after losing her mom, she talked about how thrilled she felt to have big windows and a view of the city, as she'd lived in a basement walkout for years. Her enthusiasm for those things, even in the face of great struggle, was always humbling and contagious.

Dagny was easy to love.

As for fandom, Dagny especially loved Misha, Castiel, and Destiel, and did so fiercely. She read tens of thousands of words of fanfic every day, frequently messaging me from the bus to complain about rowdy passengers "interrupting her gay porn". One time, she lost her phone and worried to me (from her laptop) about losing her entire collection of fanart, 100+ AO3 tabs, and the SPN-related photos she had saved, unconcerned about the actual phone and her ability to contact IRLs.

With what little extra money Dagny had (and how infrequently she could be convinced to treat herself), she enjoyed collecting fandom merch, especially items made by her favorite fan artists. She ALWAYS had a Destiel case from redbubble on her phone! Her Ace pin from Stands was a treasured item.

Dagny greatly admired Misha's missions and charity work very much, following GISH closely and always striving to share and his boost campaigns and those of other cast members. She would often express that she wished she could do or donate more, even while she struggled to provide bare essentials for herself. Dagny was selfless like that.

As full as her phone was with saved memes, cast photos, Castiel/Destiel art, and fanfic links, it was equally brimming with people who loved Dagny herself. She often expressed how happy and connected seeing notifications on her social posts made her feel, how loved she felt by her friends and fellow shippers.

Discovering the Ace spectrum through fandom empowered Dagny to feel confident in expressing her identity, allowing her to name and define a feeling and concept she could never quantify before. She felt very strongly about wearing her Ace pride on her sleeve. We spoke many times about the power of fandom and online community to turn shame and confusion into confidence and love, and Dagny truly embraced that concept. She was a wonderful role model for embracing your true self.

Dagny had many hopes for a bright future. She was trying to find a job and gain more financial independence, and she had a whole plan to do so. She was smart and motivated. She was also haunted and wrestled constantly with demons that just wouldn't let her go.

We talked frequently about finally meeting at an SPN convention, once she was able. One of Dagny's dreams was to have a photo op with Misha as Castiel, and we spent many nights planning excitedly for a theoretical day that we hoped would come. Since then, she fell in love with Heartstopper and dipped into other fandoms and was living her best online life. Dagny had so much room in her heart.

So many things, not the least of which were time and borders, kept us from ever meeting in person, but our friendship was no less real for those barriers.

To Dagny: family doesn't end in blood. Jen and I both love you and choose you back. We know you were here. You made an impact and we'll never forget you. This wasn't supposed to be the end of the road, but you taught me that sometimes life has other plans and there's nothing to do but roll with them.

Until we meet again, my friend. thank you for being you.

If you would like to do something to honor Dagny, her life, and her passions, she would want you to donate to The Castiel Project. It's particularly fitting, as besides being a beloved project to her, Dagny also deserved a happy ending that just wasn't in the cards.

Please feel free to leave your memories and/or love for Dagny here.

[yugotrash]

but really tho idk if it's a terminally online disorder but this weird position of reading and agreeing with so much of radfem theory but being a guy so thats not my community but also not belonging to even that tiny group known as "tehms" for a variety of reasons really alienates me lol.

No, it's not a terminally online disorder. Most humans need a sense of belonging to a group or community. This is straight up monkey brain feeling and it's completely understandable. I'm a het woman who wants a partner so i have no cards in radical feminism myself at least not entirely but I'm also not performing enough feminist acts to consider myself even just a feminist. Agreeing with the ideas and ideals of a group you can truly belong to does such and alienates.

i can predict the answer is "just dont seek community based on your politics/homosexuality" and id like that but that assumes that those things wont be an issue for any random group of people. and being a homosexual and agreeing with radfem ideas does shape the way i think the opinions i express a lot its not like i can hide either of those without a good measure of discomfort for very long. i have radfem friends of course but the sex distinction is understandably something that will permanently divide us and the gays tend to be retarded cumbrained or womanhating or all three so thats not gonna be "my people" either.

Yeah, sometimes it is impossibly to find a whole, ready-made group, but, and i know I'm the last one to preach as i don't practice it, you can try and start such a group, irl or online. It's gonna be difficult but I'm sure there are some other men here, maybe not necessarily homosexual, who might share the radical feminist views you have. It's not perfect, but at least they're not cumbrained, which is a low bar but it's more than nothing. And it doesn't require you to hide your homosexuality or how it affects you as homosexual because these guys are also empathetic towards lesbians. Again, not perfect, but a step in the right direction.

I know for a fact there are some "tehms" on this site who do not abide by the chronic brainrot others demonstrate. They're focused more on women's rights and while yeah, they will sometimes talk about how some guy is hot, or how trans-identified women and girls are awfully rape-y, they still put the risks to women higher up on the list, or, more precisely, women's rights before their own comfort, which i find to be charming and considerate.

maybe one or two guys out there but who knows where and who. and its not so easy to complete forswear the idea of finding friends or even god forbid a partner to relate to,,

Yes, there won't be many of them, and it will not ever form a large community (mostly became most men do not find anything worthwhile in feminist critique, and many men, gay or straight or bi, are just constantly thinking with their dicks, but, and i can't believe I'm gonna say these words, Not All Men. You're special, but you're not THAT special that there is only one edition of a person with such views and circumstances as yours. And that's perfectly okay, you are special in other ways. But the thing is, there surely are like-minded people, either online or offline, and I'm sure you can either find them or even reform some existing ones, to agree with you more, and maybe even find love.

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Sorry for the long ask, i hope your birthday went well and that you had fun. Happy belated birthday and may you manage to find a sense of community and shared sentiments both irl and online as soon as possible 🩵

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I'd reach out to you non anonymously but granted i do want to keep my main blog a secret and do not want to be seen as a pick-me or something.

thank you so very much for such a thoughtful message, i do feel much better about the whole thing now. it's good to be reminded that one is not really that special <3

[ellvie]

ELVIE CROFT, twenty four years old. youtuber and ghost with the most on beloved emmy award winning netflix series ghost gallery. interests include horror movies, the 80s, halloween, and the absolute abomination that is black licorice. the smartest dipshit you’ll ever meet.

elvin tupelo croft. prefers elvie, but el is okay if you’re a close friend or family member. is extremely sensitive about the fact that he was almost named elvis after the famous musician because his dad is OBSESSED.

born in the salem, massachusetts on halloween day. descendant of an accused witch, son of an actual witch, and practices himself albeit casually. his dad is the county district attorney while his mom owns a small shop in town, so they were...lower middle class i guess. they always had enough to meet their needs, but couldn’t afford any extra spending or splurging. as he got older he’d go on to work small jobs around town, most notably as a janitor in the local movie theater. so no silver spoon or high horse here.

margo massey has been his best friend since birth. her maternal grandparents disowned her mom when she fell pregnant with margo, so elvie’s dad gave them some legal help and the rest is history. they’ve been best friends for longer than either of them can even remember, true ride or dies for life. if you don’t like margo then elvie doesn’t like you and that’s that on that. the antics of elvie croft and margo massey were famous in salem long before they were famous on netflix.

so he tried lots of different activities as a kid. he was a boy scout, he took music lessons, he was absolutely awful at tee ball, but nothing really stuck. he’s always had a lot of energy and a short attention span, so he gets bored of stuff pretty easily. 

something his parents and teachers would often notice about him was that he’s very smart. he’s a fast learner, one of those annoying types who seems to just do well in school and get perfect grades without even trying? that’s him. some people have even thrown around words like brilliant and genius. tbh they probably aren’t far off, but elvie hates being called smart to the point where he?? intentionally dumbs himself down 24/7 and passes it off as a joke

ofc that didn’t stop from being mercilessly bullied all throughout school. he had braces and glasses and chronic nosebleeds and didn’t play any sports and only had one friend who was picked on just as badly so he was definitely a favorite target of his peers.

fortunately elvie has much thicker skin than most people seem to realize. he doesn’t...really care what people think about him. at all. oh so what you don’t like him. he’ll have a good long cry about it while his emmy award is getting polished. not that he’s arrogant bc he honestly isn’t. it’s just that he knows his worth and your opinion of him isn’t going to change that.

he was fifteen when the rich & snobby abernathy family bought a huge summer home in salem and he met their daughter, astrea...it was love at first sight and to this day he’s never loved anybody else or even dated anybody else. their summer romance turned long distance when she went home in the fall. they were insistent upon not letting anything break them apart and aside from about a year where they weren’t together, nothing ever did. elvie croft has been dating the same girl since he was fifteen and just keeps falling more and more in love with her.

it should be noted that astrea’s parents absolutely hate him and they always have. he didn’t do anything except come from a poor no name family, which was more than enough for them, so elvie was resorting to climbing through her window and helping her sneak out in the middle of the night so they could see each other for even five minutes. it’s a regular romeo juliet story. how disgustingly lovesick and On Brand™ for them.

a year later he started his youtube channel at the age of sixteen with margo & the camera that he got for his birthday. it’s basically buzzfeed unsolved supernatural. he’s the believer, she’s the skeptic, and they go looking for ghosts! it was an instant hit. with every video posted they were gaining subscribers in the dozens, then the hundreds, then the thousands. they weren’t even in college yet and they were already two of the most popular & beloved names in youtuber fandom.

attended nyu once they did get to college. tbh elvie didn’t really wanna go?? he doesn’t like school, so he technically studied business and was top of his class as per usual, but he was mostly just there to party and hang out with margo and finally get to be with astrea all the time. he loves her so much like i can’t stress this enough.

too bad for him bc he got DUMPED in their last year of college. astrea broke up with him and then immediately went to saudi arabia for a year. he didn’t take it well at all, but fortunately he’d be distracted soon enough.

elvie and margo were approached by netflix producers who basically wanted to turn their youtube channel into a tv show which turned out to be a really smart move because ghost gallery is a HUGE HIT. everyone’s seen it. everyone loves it. no one can seem to shut up about it. basically think of the hype around stranger things and you’ll understand how much everyone loves ghost gallery.

they’ve put out two seasons so far & are just about to start filming for season three which is scheduled for a late october 2019 release and elvie absolutely loves his show so he couldn’t be happier about it!

and now for a few other fast facts bc i SOMEHOW feel like i haven’t covered everything yet!

loves horror movies, halloween, and scaring people. by the age of twelve he was getting full grown adults to scream and run away from him in terror while he just laughed and laughed bc it was the best thing ever to him.

it’s been a running joke all his life that he doesn’t seem to be afraid of anything and who knows? maybe he isn’t.

his other major interest? everything 80s. tbh at least 90% of everything he’s ever said is an 80s movie reference, often too obscure for most people to even catch. 

he’s extremely rich bc he spends almost none of the money he earns from youtube and netflix. he grew up poor enough to have the mentality that he can’t just go around wasting money on whatever he wants even though he very well could without even making a serious dent in his bank account. at worst he might impulse buy some extra candy or smth but nothing more expensive than that

they type of eccentric genius who will solve a whole rubik’s cube in .0000000001 seconds like it’s nothing and act like it isn’t even a big deal bc he’s already distracted by something else entirely. it probs gives people a little whiplash tbh

PERSONALITY: elvie is nice, but he’s not for everyone. eccentric is probably the best word to describe him. he doesn’t do things the way everyone else does. he’s extremely hyperactive and very ~out there~ which is a combination that’s just Too Much for some people. he tends to come across as either witty and endearingly charming or loud and flat out annoying. so he’s kinda terrible at making friends but it doesn’t stop him from trying. in general he’s well liked if only bc almost everyone loves ghost gallery, but ofc there are outliers so pls feel free to hate him. tl;dr he’s completely harmless but maybe a little annoying, will just ramble at you for hours about ghosts and horror movies and the 80s and assume that you’re friends because of it.

CONNECTIONS

family

maternal cousin - willow sparks and alexandra blakely (distant)

paternal cousin, constant bickering - river espinoza

romantic

wife - astrea croft

unrequited crush - open

platonic

best friend, might bicker sometimes but ride or die 5ever - margo massey

acquaintances - torrance keynes, saywer duncan, open to more.

close friends - open to several.

family friends - rosalind cox, open to more.

friends -  jordan parkes, wren daily, reign monroe, sahar santini, genesis iver, ingrid larson, marialena goldstein.

online → irl friends - ginny baker

unlikely friends - eden o’ connor, open to more,

frenemies - beckley bovér, open to more.

negative

enemies - angel almeida, open to more.

bad terms - carson king, open to more.

ex friends - luna reyes, anastasia sangster.

he doesn’t tend to have a lot of enemies but whew he absolutely despises angel so if you like him then elvie probably doesn’t like you. 

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.