#noone caree about mem

[sugarr-moon]

hhhhhgg

[mamgt]

Falling Stars

Chapter 5: The Stars Would’ve Waited

Song: Stars Falling Down by Kina Grannis

If you want to read the whole fic click here.

Today is Tom’s last day in L.A. before he flies off for the press tour of Avenger’s Infinity War. He came over to my house and asked if we could walk around. I asked Darnell to come along with us because I found it rude to just leave him in the house. Also, because I needed a little back-up just in case I choked. I had this idea of telling Tom about how I felt. I was just waiting for the right moment and if the right moment came while we were out, I needed some back-up.

However, once we were out, Darnell all of a sudden had some “errands” AGAIN. Of course, that meant he was finding an excuse for Tom and I to be alone. I knew it was him big brother-ing me. I told you, he knows me so well. I didn’t have to tell him that I had plans to tell Tom. That and because him and my mom talked about it behind my back. They did it because they cared, I know that. They’re all rooting for me. It’s just me who isn’t rooting for me. Walking on a red carpet was a different form of confidence than telling someone you like them.

I just need some sign, a green light to press on the gas and say ‘hey dude, I like you.’ Anything, give me something, universe.

Tom and I passed by a comic book store. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into it so fast that I started to see stars.

“Omg! Look at these!!” He was still holding my hand when we started looking through the comic books and only had let go when he jumped to another pile excitedly. I watched him as he moved around the store like The Flash (not the bully, the superhero), like there was something more interesting in the next pile and the next pile. He looked so cute running around and I could feel a smile creep up my face reminding me of how hard I fell for this boy. I mean, look at him. Who wouldn’t fall for him? Could he blame me?

“Hey!” Tom said, coming up to me.

“What?”

“Do you want that?” He pointed to the comic I had pulled out midway. I didn’t notice I was even holding it. I must have stood there like a deer in headlights - frozen. The whole time Tom was looking at comics, I was only looking at him. I inserted the comic back from where I got it.

“Nah…I was just looking at it.” I shrugged.

“Okay, good because I got you something better!” He pulled me towards the cashier.

“Hey Mike! Do you have it?”

“Hey Tom! Yeah I got it here!” who I am assuming is Mike was talking, a white guy in his late 30’s. He opened a slide door behind the cash register and emerged with a box full of comics. He dropped it on a table and had his back to us.

“Of course you’re the special lady he reserved this for!” Mike teased. He was talking to me when he turned to face us. In his hand, brought out in front of me was a Spider-man comic book. Not just any comic book. The very first one.

“Oh. I guess?,” I replied to Mike. I looked at Tom who wouldn’t look up at me and his big ears were starting to turn pink.

“Good haggler this one! He’s a keep—”

“Ha-ha! Okay… Thanks again Mike but we really have to go.”

“Right. Right. Do you want me to uh…put it inside a paper bag?”

“Z?” Tom asked me.

“Yes please!” I said.

Mike mumbled as he grabbed a paper bag and slid my comic book in,. “This is really one of a kind. You must be something, I mean your miss Zendaya, but would I give up…this comic book for any gal?” he said under his breath but loud enough that I could hear him but I was sure that Tom could hear him too.

“Uhhh thanks again Mike, see you soon man” Tom said as he quickly picked up the paper bag and went straight for the door.

“Wait! Wait! Tom!” I said lagging behind him. He stopped and I was able reach out for the paper bag. “What’s your hurry?”

“Oh. Nothing. Sorry. Yeah. You didn’t even get to…”

We moved out of the doorway and stood outside the comic book shop. I pulled the comic book from inside the paper bag and looked at it again. I couldn’t believe Tom got this for me. Several thoughts ran through my head.

I didn’t even know these still existed and right under my nose! There was one here in L.A.? This must’ve cost a fortune! Did he get one for himself too? I mean, he should be the one keeping this? He’s spider-man! Yeah, I’m a big fan and I’m not even being biased. Before, I got the role of Michelle, my favorite superhero has always been spider-man but—

“I can’t believe you got this for me…” I whispered under my breath, still staring at the comic book in mint condition still wrapped in plastic. “Amazing Fantasy” it read on the cover. “12 cents,” the little logo read and I touched it with my finger.

“Do you like it?” I looked up at and saw Tom with his big brown eyes staring back at me.

“I love it…” I smiled at him and gave him a hug. When we let go I said, “So you’ve been here before?” I pointed at the comic book store.

“Yeah, I mean. A couple of times,” he shrugged.

“Uh-huh. Couple times that the guy at the cashier already knows your name?”

“It’s an easy name to remember…”

“So I’m guessing it was just a coincidence that we passed by here too huh?”

“No. Okay,” he admitted with his head hung low. “I planned it but hey, it’s our last day hanging out together! I wanted to give you something spe— nice. Give you something…nice…”

“This…this is more than nice! Thank you Tom! This really means a lot. I can’t believe you! How did you even get this? Did you get one for yourself?”

“No..uh..it was just one copy and I wanted to give it to you. I know how much you like Spider-man.”

You mean you…how much I like you…

“But you’re Spider-man! Don’t you want this for yourself?”

“Nah… I really got it for you.” He put his hands in his pockets and his ears were still pink moving towards red now. I wondered if this was it. Was this the green light to tell Tom how I felt? Would any guy, who didn’t feel something for his friend, actually go out his way and do this? Can I still say he was just being nice? To be honest, I’ve only known him for less than two years and yet I spend almost every second I can with him. If he didn’t feel the same way, why spend this much time with me? He could literally get any girl, any girl he wants…

“Hey Tom!” It was Mike. He walked out of the comic book store and asked Tom if he could take a picture with the Spider-man statue.

“Sure, man!,” Tom said as he moved to the side of the Spider-man statue who was wearing the hoodie from our fictional high school in Spider-man: Homecoming. I didn’t even notice it because Tom was too excited to get into the comic book store. We admired it for a bit saying how cool it was they got all the details.

“They didn’t get one thing though…your height.” I used my hands to show the difference between Tom’s height and the statue’s.

“Shut up, Zendaya! Let’s just take the picture.”

“Nah, you go ahead. You can take a picture. You’re Spider-man!” I said stepping back. He can have this moment. He already gave me the comic book. I didn’t even think of a going away present. I mean, we could still talk to each other on the phone. It’s not like he’s going to be gone forever and we were still just friends, right? There’s no point getting sentimental. Unless…I looked at the comic book in my hand, already inside the paper bag.

“Hey, why don’t you join your boyfriend?,” said Mike and he nudged me.

“Oh. He’s not—“

“Mike…”

Tom and I said at the same time.

“Just go!” and with that Mike pushed me towards Tom.

“Come on, Z!”

“Go!” Mike encouraged, “Spider-man needs his MJ!”

“Yeah…” Tom said quietly.

I walked over and took the picture.

Darnell caught up with us and we decided to drive back home to my place. We ordered some take out because lord knows none of us can cook for shit. My kitchen is literally only used when my family comes over. Other than that, the refrigerator is the only appliance that gets noticed on a daily basis.

The sun was going down and Darnell decided to take Noon out for a walk. Ha get it because his name is Noon for afternoon… so…you know….never mind. Usually I would do it but Noon needs the exercise that only Darnell could give because I cannot run any faster than .05 km/hour. Okay, I don’t know if that’s the exact speed but you get my point, I don’t walk fast nor do I run.

I walked them out the door but before they left Darnell had asked me if I had told Tom about my feelings already.

“No…”

“Why not? What are you waiting for, Z?”

“Shhh… keep your voice down.” Tom was just in the living room going through Netflix. He didn’t seem to hear us or he would’ve asked why we were whispering.

“I need…time…”

“He’s leaving tomorrow. There is no better time! If he likes you, y’all can be cute on the phone and if he doesn’t, you don’t have to see him for like what? Three months?”

“Well! I need a sign then! Like a go signal. I can’t just come up to him and be like ‘oh yeah by the way I like you bro ha-ha’” I raised my eyebrows at Darnell to make my point.

“Zendeesha, listen, you don’t need signs” Noon was starting to pull at Darnell. “But if you still need it, it’s everywhere. The boy likes you, Z. Stop making him wait…Like how I’m making Noon wait.” Noon was becoming restless. “I’ll see you guys in awhile.” Darnell ran off before I even got a word in.

I closed the door and walked towards the living room. I plopped myself down on the couch beside Tom. He moved his arm behind my shoulders. Do I do it now?

“What movie are we watching?” Tom asked without even looking away from the T.V.

Or I could do it later…

We couldn’t decide what movie to watch so we started searching with out phones but easily got distracted when I found a meme on Twitter. Eventually, we never got to watching a movie. We just kept passing our phones to each other, looking for the funniest things the Internet had to offer.

“Ooooh…what’s this?”

“What?” I crawled over to his side of the couch and looked at his phone. It was a video from my app of me looking through my keepsake box that someone had reposted on Instagram.

“What’s a keepsake box?” Tom asked.

“It’s like a box of memories. You put little stuff in them from all your memorable moments.”

Tom was still watching the short clip of what was a longer video. It cuts exactly before I show the love letters that my ex had given me before.

“Aww! I wanna see the rest of what’s in it!,” Tom says to his phone before he turns to me to say, “D’you still have it?”

“Sure…” I said a little apprehensively. “It’s upstairs…” I didn’t understand where the fear was coming from but my gut was telling me it wasn’t a good idea to unbox a bunch of stuff my ex had given me. I mean, the whole box wasn’t filled with things he gave me but there was enough items to make the situation weird. Nonetheless, I lead Tom to the storage room where things like gowns I wore when I was 16 to items I had even before I got famous were kept. They were inside these neatly piled plastic boxes that looked like big tupperwares. Still, there were things lying around and it took me awhile to find my keepsake box. Once I grabbed it, I sat on the floor and Tom followed suit.

“Let’s see…” I picked up the first thing on there, which was the 3D glasses from watching the Amazing Spider-man movie.

“Oh cool!” Tom said as he got the glasses from my hand. “I saw this in the video! Your first date was to this right?” He looked up at me.

“Yup…” My voice was another pitch higher again.

“Cool…” Tom tried it on and then set it aside. He picked up another item inside my box. The letters were still at the bottom so it would take us awhile to get to them. Hopefully, we never get to them.

“You really like going to the movies, huh?” Tom commented on the amount of movie tickets inside the box. Some were already fading and you couldn’t make out what it said.

“It says….’The Lost City of Z’” Tom said.

“It does not!”

“That’s a really good film. I heard there’s a really amazing bloke on there. Really talented. Bred for an Oscar they say!” Tom said sarcastically.

“Shut up!” I said grabbing the ticket from him and tried deciphering the words myself.

“How can you read it!? You don’t even have your glasses on, love.” He grabbed the tickets from my hand.

“Well! I don’t have to read it because I’m the one who watched those movies, ‘kay?” He was right though. I don’t know why I was trying to fight him over what’s written on the tickets when even non-faded words are blurred to me.

Tom gasped dramatically, “You’ve never watched my film?!”

“Daaaaaaaaamn Tom!”

“What?”

“Of course I’ve watched your films!”

“Oh.” His ears turned really pink again like it did back at the comic book store. “You’ve watched my films?” he had a smug plastered on his face and I swear if I wasn’t so goddamn into him it would be the most annoying thing in the whole world.

“Yeah…”

“Like, everything?”

“…”

“Z?”

“Yeah okay! I did. It was for research! I needed to know if you had…”

“Had what?” Tom pressed on.

“Talent!” I sassed at him.

“OOOH!!! That was low, mate. Real low.” I was laughing hysterically and he joined me.

“I bet you haven’t watched my films” I said as our laughing died down. Tom suddenly made this face and reached out with his right hand.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m you! When you swung—“ he did the face again with the hand “and you met Zac Efron…like this…” then he started singing “I am brave, I am bruised...” I giggled. He was so stupid but I loved him for it. He could embarrass himself in front of people, none of that “too cool” for you attitude. Ugh. My thoughts were nagging at me to tell him already. A little voice kept saying “Say it. Zendeesha say it!” and it sounded a lot like Darnell. Yet, I still couldn’t find the courage.

“Nooo! The ones before!” I said as I poked him on his side and it tickled him a little. I just need a segway.

“You want me to watch your old films? Like what, when you were 12?”

“Good point. Nevermind.” Okay I don’t need a segway but this is harder than it looks. Do I just blurt it out?

“Like from Frenemies, Zapped, did Shake It Up have a movie? Because I don’t re—”

“Oh fuck you!”

“I personally, like Zac Efron better than the dude from Zapped”

“SHUT UP!” I flipped him.

“Awww come on now, how about you show me some…HAPPY SMILEY FACES!!!”

My eyes grew wide and my jaw swung open. I started swatting him things that were scattered on the floor: the movie tickets, some clothes that weren’t put into their proper bins, other papers that were inside my keepsake box. Tom stood up and tried to protect himself all the while laughing. I was laughing too. He started getting revenge and threw things at me.

“Can you smell the dinner, Z?” Tom teased, using the lines I had said in my very first youtube video that I had done a reaction video to on my app. This was some quality roasting. Not bad Tom, not bad.

He was getting pummeled by all the things I could get my hands on and that caused him to trip on the keepsake box and the contents went tumbling out until the red envelopes could be seen poking out. Tom looked down to see what he had tripped over and I felt my blood rush through me. He picked up the three envelopes, still with his smug face on not knowing that these envelopes were not just any envelopes.

“Oohhh….what are these?” I didn’t say a word. It was too late. I wouldn’t be able to hide it from him any longer and I didn’t see any reason to either.

“Z?”

“Yup?”

“Can I open ‘em?”

“I don’t think you should…they’re sort of…from my…ex.”

“Oh.” He looked at them. “Here. Sorry.” He handed them to me.

“It’s fine. I should probably throw it anyway. No point in keeping them, am I right?” I chuckled, trying to make the situation lighter. I looked down at the envelopes and rubbed my thumb on one them. I don’t know why I still kept them. I didn’t think it mattered.

“They’re love letters…from Valentine’s.” And I don’t know why I said that.

“Oh….yeah…they look like…they are…” Tom swallowed.

“Anyways!” I put the letters aside and sat back down and tried to collect the things we used to throw at each other. Tom squatted down and started to help me. Silence filled the room.  

Why did I wait so long to tell him? Now I can’t tell him how I feel.

“Z?”

“Hm?” I said without ever looking up at him, I just kept putting stuff in the keepsake box.

“I don’t mean to be nosy or whatever…I mean, you can…not answer…”

“Go ahead, dude!” I said, trying to pull off a cool and collective Zendaya when I could feel myself getting all nervous again.

“I just uhm, I uh…why do you still uh…keep the, the…letters?”

“Oh.”

“You don’t have to answer. Sorry. None of my business.” Tom said quickly.

“It’s fine! I told you, I’m over it. You can ask me anything about…Trevor. That’s his name.”

“Oh ok.” Tom looked relieved but he was still waiting for my answer.

“I guess. I don’t know... It’s just a reminder that someone had loved me once, you know what I mean? Like, yeah my family and friends…love me but this was different. It was special....Remember, I said that it wasn’t all bad? These letters were one of those ‘not all bad’. I haven’t looked at them since the break-up. It’s not like I’m pining over him. I really am not. It’s just the thought, you know. Someone spending their time to handwrite this thing made just for you.”

“...”

“It cheesy I know…”

“It’s not. It’s sweet.” He gave a weak smile. I didn’t know how to read him. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I searched his eyes that wouldn’t look at me but had nailed themselves on the floor. I could see his ears though, pink as ever.

“Zendaya?”

“Tom?”

“Do you think…uhm…” he swallowed. “You think you can…maybe, like someone else? I mean, after Trevor. Have you uh…I mean you said you moved on but can you see your, uhm…”

“Can I like anyone else?”

“Yeah?” His head shot up the way Noon does when I tell him it’s lunch time. So cute. It’s probably not wise to compare Tom to my dog but I love them both, anyways.

Darnell’s voice was in my head again, nagging me that this was the moment, this was the sign I was waiting for. Tom had turned this whole awkward situation to the perfect time to tell him how I felt. How can he do that? He always makes the bad into good somehow even as he stutters and avoids my gaze.

“I do.”

“You do?”

“Like someone…”

“Oh.”

“Tom I-”

“Does—“ We spoke at the same time.

“Oh sorry”

“Sorry” and we did it again.

“What were you gonna say?” Tom said.

“No, you go first.”

“Oh. Uhm. Right. The person you like…does he…make you happy?” He finally looked at me, locking his gaze with mine.

“Definitely.” This was it. I was about to tell him how I felt. That little smile he’s trying to suppress, I can feel that he too knows where this is going.

“Tom—“

“Z! TOM! WHERE ARE YOU GUYS?!” Darnell shouted from the bottom of the stairs. I closed my eyes shut, annoyed at the timing. REALLY DARNELL?!

“Z?! TOM?! THERE’S A PHONE RING—RINGING AND— OH SHIT THERE’S 10 MISSED CALLS!” Darnell continued to shout. I opened my eyes to a shocked Tom with his eyes wide.

“Shit!” Tom ran out and I followed him.

“Shit shit shit shit shit” He said as he grabbed the phone from Darnell.

“Where the hell were you two? Why weren’t you answering me?” Darnell nagged.

“Is that why you left 10 missed calls on Tom’s phone?”

“No. It’s Harrison. I was supposed to be back 30 minutes ago. Shit. I totally forgot. I haven’t packed for anything. Shit. I always lose time when I’m here… Sorry, Z. I have to go. Thanks for having me. I’m gonna miss you guys!” Tom came over and gave Darnell a hug and gave Noon a little rub.

“I’ll walk you out” I said. I followed Tom to the door and closed it behind me. He turned around before we could reach his car.

“Why am I always late for something when I come to your house? I’m pretty sure it’s cursed.” He joked.

“Me too.” I laughed.

“I’m really going to miss you, Zendaya.”

“I’m really going to miss you too, Tom. It’s not like we can’t call each other up. You know that, right?”

“Yeah…but it’s different…from having you around like this…” and with that he hugged me. I clung on as much as I could and tried to memorize how he felt. I won’t have this for a couple of months. It’s not that long, I know, but he’s right. It’s going to be different. So should I tell him now?

We pulled apart and his hands trailed my arms until they were holding my wrists. I wanted to give him something like he gave me the comic book. I wanted to leave him with my feelings, with my heart.

“Bye” he said and he let go of me. He got into his car and I felt the moment pass. I watched him as image got smaller as he drove away.

“Bye.” I whispered to myself. Not even a goodbye because we both knew there wasn’t anything good in our parting. I walked back into the house, restless that I didn’t get to tell Tom that I liked him. All this prepping up for nothing. I wondered if I could just call him up as he drove and just spill it.

“So what did Tom say?” Darnell peeped from behind the kitchen counter.

“He said bye.”

“WHAT?! HOLD UP! HOLD UP!” Darnell said as he clapped his hands together. “When you told him you liked him, he said ‘bye’? What the fuck?”

“Oh. That.”

“Yes. That. Miss Zendeesha? So are we blocking him out fro—“

“I didn’t get to tell him…”

“WHAT!? ZENDAYA MAREE! ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU—“

“YOU CAME IN! I was going to say it and then you came in and started yelling and he had to go and this is all just one big mess…”

Darnell didn’t say anything. He just stared at me, looking pissed. Why was he pissed? He was the one who barged in on me trying to tell Tom that I liked him.

“What if I’m not supposed to tell him Darnell? Why is it so hard? It shouldn’t be this hard.”

“Z…did anything, and I mean ANYTHING you’ve ever gotten in your life come easy?”

“No.”

“NO! So you need to stop making excuses, stop prolonging this and just call up the boy and tell him you like him! It’s never easy to put yourself in a vulnerable position, especially after everything you’ve gone through with Trevor but I BET YO ASS you will regret not telling Tom sooner, and by sooner I mean now that you like him.”

“FINE!” I climbed up the stairs, remembering that I had brought my phone up with me when Tom and I went to the storage room. I come up and realized that Tom and I left the room in disarray. I couldn’t remember where I set down my phone. I looked around and I could feel myself panicking because as more time passed, the faster my courage to tell Tom about my feelings slipped away. Where is it? Where is it? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Then I found it. Beside the three red envelopes. I rested my hand on top of my phone. This was it. My heart was going to be out in the open again and even though, I could feel somehow that Tom felt the same way…I was terrified. Darnell was right though, if I don’t do it now I’m going to regret it.

If it was out there again, it can be broken again. These letters remind me that there was once something beautiful between Trevor and I. More beauty than pain, if I were to be completely honest. Although, I know that Tom couldn’t hurt me, wouldn’t hurt me, didn’t I think that way before about Trevor? How was this any different? Trevor made me happy too. Tom could just turn out to be another set of old letters I keep at the bottom of a shoebox, ready for another person to find and ask “why do you still keep them?”

But I’ve never had it easy. Darnell was right again. I always had to work for the things I got. Sometimes even harder than if I were a little shade lighter. Why should love be the exception? Acting makes me happy. Dancing makes me happy. This life I’ve built makes me happy but there were tears to be shed so that I knew what happiness looked like. You don’t know joy until you’ve felt pain. You don’t know abundance until you’ve felt loss. Love was just something I needed to work hard for, get a little bruised up for until you find the right one. I’m not saying Tom is the one, I just wanted to tell him I like him, that’s all. Just a little risk.

Ding.

I checked my phone to see if the sound came from it. Nope. No messages. I opened it and searched for Tom’s name.

“Z! Someone’s at the door!” Darnell called out from downstairs. Now he sounds like a grandmother. Who even says that nowadays? Also who the fuck was ringing in tonight?

Ding-ding

“Z! Can ya get the door!? I’m doing the dishes!” Darnell called out again. I dropped my phone. Damn it, Darnell. I swear, it’s YOUR fault I haven’t told Tom how I felt. I ran downstairs and swung the door open. This better be some free vegetarian pizza or I’m—

“Tom?”

“I like you.”

Tom was standing outside my door, shifting his weight from one leg to another. Only a few minutes have gone by since he left and yet here he was in a new change of clothes. I couldn’t believe it. What did he say?

“Like, a lot actually…” he had a boyish smile and I felt lightheaded.

“What time is it? Aren’t you late for your flight? What are you doing here?” I panicked.

“I just— I uhm, did, didya-did you hear what I-what I said?” I did but I couldn’t fucking believe it. This was happening? This was actually happening. The thundering in my heart was like a thousands drums. I breathed in but for some reason I couldn’t release it like my whole body was physically trying to keep this moment forever, keep it in my blood to my bones.

“Yeah… Tom I-“

“I know it’s a risk telling you but I just had to like, I felt like, I felt like I should, I should say it you know? I do. I like you. Ever since.” He was talking so fast that he was also losing his breath but he kept going.

“The very first time I saw you and I keep saying it’s the most embarrassing thing EVER because I made such a fool of myself seeing you…. day one I just. I lost it. Z. I just fell hard. You haven’t even spoken two words to me besides ‘hey man!’ and yet, I, I just. I knew I was in deep. Just like that. And every moment being with you just made me sink in deeper. I’ve just been trying to figure out if I should tell you because, you know, you’re this big star and I-I don’t know. You got out of a break-up and I just got out of one and I didn’t know if you...like me.  I’m not saying you do! I’m saying I…do.”

“Tom…”

“I know. I know. I know. Shit.” He paced back and forth. He was still standing outside my door. He had brushed his hair with his fingers and now they were all over the place. “I love our friendship. I do. I don’t want to ruin it. I hope I don’t by doing this. It’s even more complicated  because we’re going to work together for two more films and that’s going to be weird, right?” He stopped pacing and looked at me “Having me like you? Because I’m going to like you until then, I think. I feel like I will, you know? It’s not going away. I mean, not to scare you, it’s just having you around makes me, so..so happy and you said you know, if it makes you happy and you really do that to me Z. You’re like fucking sunshine and I—“

I threw myself at him, or more accurately, I threw my lips unto his to shut him up. I couldn’t help it. All this pining and waiting, trying to make sure that I wasn’t going to risk our friendship when this whole time he had felt the same way.

His lips were soft like how I imagined clouds felt like when they looked the way they did when riding an airplane. There was so much longing in the way our lips touched not only my part but I could feel it in him too as he pressed a little harder. We would part for a millisecond catching our breaths then our lips would meet again. I held his face between my hands and towered over him but I felt like he was enveloping me. I could feel his heartbeat pulsate in sync with mine like it was running a marathon. He had wrapped his arms around my waist and I swear, I could have gone on like that forever.

When we pulled apart I could feel a tingly sensation on the spot where his lips were and it cascaded to the rest of my body, like a warmth, like how you drink hot chocolate and the heat flows through you. Our foreheads touched and bit the bottom of my lips. All this worrying and time wasted. If only I had done it sooner.

“I like you too, Tom,” I whispered. But it doesn’t matter because we have now, we have this.

Tom had this wide ass grin on his face and his ears a shade of magenta. I’m not ashamed to say that I, too was smiling ear to ear and I felt like my jaw was going to drop any second from the strain. “You should go. You’re going to be late.” I gave him a little push that caused him to stumble a little like he was in a daze. “I’ll text you.”

“Okay.” He mumbled, barely audible enough to hear. He slowly turned and then stopped midway. He turned to look at me and said, “You’ll wait for me right?”

“Yeah. These feelings won’t change, trust me.”

“Okay...I’ll call you.”

“Okay.” I nodded. He planted another kiss on my lips that took me by surprise.

“For the road.” He said as he shrugged. I shook my head and laughed. He held my hand and tugged it a little as he went away. I watched him as he walked to his car knowing that when he comes back, things were going to be different, but in a good way. In the best way possible. He turned around again.

“GO! You’re late already! Harrison is going to kill you!” He replied to my hollering by flashing me his biggest smile and I felt my heart trying to leap out of my chest wanting to follow him. He moonwalked backward to his car like a nerd and I chuckled. God. I love this, nerd.

“SEE YOU SOON, LOVE!!!” he shouted and my eyes widened hoping the neighbors didn’t hear him but I caught myself, remembering that I didn’t care about what others thought. Thomas fucking Holland likes me back. HAHA SUCKAS.

“I’LL BE HERE, BOO!!” I shouted back. I didn’t know his smile could grow any bigger but it did and I felt the butterflies in my stomach go chaotic. Even if I know that our situation is only going to make me miss him more, I was excited for when the time comes that we’ll see each other again and I’ll be his. And he’ll be mine.

“Finally…” I jumped. It was Darnell.

“How long have you been standing there?” He didn’t reply but instead was smiling at his phone. “Darneesha! I’m talking to you!”

“I just won myself twenty bucks!” still not looking up from his phone.

“You bet on me?”

“No I bet on Tom. Your mom bet on you. I knew it was gon’ be Tom!”

“I don’t believe this!” But I was too happy to be annoyed. Finally, indeed.

(this gif was inspired by a tweet, i just cant find it)

note: Thank you so much to everyone who ended up liking this fanfic. I really didn’t expect this kind of response, I just really wanted to write something about tomdaya because I’m so fucking whipped when it comes to them. This is sadly the last chapter but hopefully not the last tomdaya fanfic. Leave me messages on ideas for future fanfics, comments on this fanfic, anything tomdaya! I love getting messages.

*GIFS are mine unless stated otherwise, please don’t steal.

[shesnotheranymore]

FAREWELL

Start: 19/09/2020 2:32AM

Hey. It's been 4 months ata since we really last talked. I really don't know what happened but I blame myself. I thought wala ka lang gadget, and all. Because the last time we talked, wala ka namang nabanggit sa akin, if you can remember pinag usapan pa natin si Jhovz, I cannot remember her name basta yun, and we didn’t talk much about you. Hindi mo naman gusto talaga mag kwento, you just usually listen about my shits, and ikaw mostly ‘di ka nag sshare, or kung nag sshare ka hindi detailed.

I guess mali ako roon, napaka irresponsible kong kaibigan Lands, and I am really sorry about it. Ang dami kong lapses sa’yo, kahit pa before. Lalo na yung time na aware ako na gusto mo ako romantically, but I chose to ignored it. Napaka insensitive ko doon, kahit pa inamin mo saakin, I acted na wala lang saakin yun, the truth is ayoko lang na isipin mo masyado lahat yun. Also, I really treasure what we have to the point na ayaw ko itong i-spoil. You do know kung gaano ako ka-impulsive, gaano ako ka-unstable na tao, and alam ko rin sa sarili ko na we are good as a friends na. So yeah I just wanna say sorry kung feeling me inignore ko yun lahat, and that I acted as if I don’t care, pero bothered naman talaga ako noon.

Thank you for always checking up on me. I know you got my back since January 2018, and I really, really treasure you Lands, a lot, more that you could’ve imagine. I am just not good about showing it, or hindi ako ganon ka-vocal, although sinasabi ko siya sa’yo from time to time. You make me happy Lands, you made me learn stuff, you made me learn din on how life works, kung gaano ka-shitty ang buhay. I was blinded before, gusto ko kasi yung tama palagi, pinipilit ko na maging mabuting tao, kasi yung norm. Tinago ko yung sarili ko, pero nung dumating ka natutuhan ko na maging ako, na maging yung sarili ko, and that I don’t need to be ashamed kung ano ako, and ano yung beliefs ko.

Ikaw yung taong pinaka sumuporta saakin Lands, sa lahat ng kalokohan ko, sa lahat ng adventures ko sa buhay, maski sa mga pangarap ko, or sa school stuff. Thank you for teaching me some Math stuff. :) ikaw yung taong asa tabi ko through ups, and downs. Jeez, I am just so lucky that I get to know you. Ikaw yung friend ko na I could kill someone and you would be there to help me bury the body, you get me, right? Basta alam mong happy ako sa ginagawa ko, hinahayaan mo ako. You let me stumble, para matuto sa mga bagay bagay.

Thank you for kind of tolerating me, nag grow na ako ngayon, though I became more alone, and sad pero Iayun nga at least mas nagging open ako ngayon with stuff. Thank you sa walang sawang pag sama saakin, sa walang sawang payo. And kinaya ko lang naman lahat ng yun because of all the people na tumulong saakin, and ikaw yung few of them. Ikaw nga ata yung number one na nag guide saakin, and all. Sorry Lands, kung hindi na ako na-dala sa mga nangyari saakin, kung pinili ko yung ibang tao at some point over you na andiyan lang naman.

Sorry kung I snapped sa una kong e-mail, I am just so sad, mad, and frustrated. Kasi makasarili ako, and I only cared about myself. Galit nag alit ako sa you, kasi you left me hanging. I mean, in a span of 2 years alam mo kung ano lahat ng nangyari saakin, and if I am not mistaken you really know me, the 100% me. No filters, so yeah. You are the only person that I really have. You know what happened, I almost died. And ikaw lang pinag kakatiwalaan ko sa lahat ng nangyari saakin, I am so scared na mawala ka saakin, I am really mad sa kung sino man ang girlfriend mo ngayon, gusto ko siya awayin kasi, kaibigan moa ko, and she doesn’t have the rightna pag bawalan ka sa stuff na ginagawa mo naman na noon. But then I realized, na ang selfish ko. And id she really makes you happy, sino ba naman ako para magalit ‘di ba?

Now, if she really makes you happy, I am gonna step back na, I just hope one day she gets to realized that what we have is PLATONIC, I just hope she understands that you are my outlet, ginago ako ni Angelo Tutor, Job left me, and Rick? Hinayaan na lang niya ako, and yeah ikaw na lang naiwan saakin. Tapos mawawala ka pa you do know na nangyari lahat yun in a span of 2 years.. and isa sa mga reason kung bakit buhay pa ako ngayon is because of you. Sa mga pangaral saakin, sa love na binibigay mo saakin, sa mga fucking memes, and sa mga covers mo. Kung wala yung mga good shit mems mo, ewan ko na lang. Thank you sa walang sawang pag record/cover mo for me, sa song na ginawa mo. Tang ina, I am just so lucky.

I just hope na masaya ka na talaga, as much as I want to keep our friendship, I know we can’t. I respect your decision na hindi mon a ako kakausapin. I will be fine Lands, I promise. I am going to make you proud, dadalihin ko lahat ng aral na binigay mo saakin. Man, I just love you so much. My apologies. Sa lahat ng lapses ko, kungpasaway ako, thank you for making me laugh, smile, and cry. I’m going to miss you a lot Lands. I swear. You will always be in my heart, okay? I promise.

Kung ano rin magiging desisyon mo sa buhay mo, I am gonna support you. Kung ttuloy mo studies mo, or whatnot. Remember that I am always rooting for you. I won’t forget those sleepless night with you, yung unli kwentuhan, yung pipilitin pa kitang tawagan sa call, and hahayaan mo lang akong mag salita, tapos ikaw pipilitin kita na mag talk, but you won’t. And those times na umiiyak ako, pero you’re going to be mad. Those sweet small gestures, naappreciate ko lahat.

Thank you for letting me in sa buhay mo, thank you for trusting me with stuff. Thank you for the big heart na binigay mo saakin, Salamat sa pag mamahal Lands. I am writing this because I don’t wanna interfere with your life, if you are happy, then I am happy. This would be my last message muna, I won’t make kulit na. I love you Lands, always.

So long... goodbyexx

-Zarnaih Marchessa

End 19/09/2020 4:32AM

[lakkimi]

[VID/TRANS] [170109] Hongkira FTISLAND Special

Hongki /reading a listener’s message/: When I was in middle school, there is this one group of singer that I really like, I follow them to their concerts, fanmeetings, and all. One day, I went to their fansign event, and as I was going to have my final exam, I asked them to cheer me on. That singer told me, “you dont study well, do you?”. At that very moment, I was left speechless. The young me was really upset hearing that. I cried a lot when I got home. After that, I studied really hard. Now I become a kindergarten teacher, hah, I am someone who teaches! FTISLAND’s Choi Minhwan, you never really know people, dont you? Now, I am teacher, you know!

Hongki: No, but really, did Minhwan really told you that you cant study well? Ah.. he shouldn’t have done that.. Minhwan is someone who is short in thought when reading people, he even jokingly said those kind of stuffs to a fan. So, first of all, congratulations for being a kindergarten teacher. As his hyung, I would like to relay my apologies in his place. xD;;

-----

When Hongki was reading up messages, Hongki suddenly laughed nervously, while stealing glances at the direction of the waiting room, “No, but Lee Jaejin-ssi keeps glaring at me right now” xD

-----

Listener: At these people, one thing that I have really wanted to ask, “Where have you been, what have you been doing, that you guys come to Hongkira so belated like this??” I have been so curious about that, I thought that you would guest when you have your comeback later on.

Hongki: So, who are these people who have got everyone asking where have they been all this time?? XD

-----

Hongki: No, but Seunghyun and Minhwan came here on its first broadcast. Jonghoon and Jaejin, where have you been that you come only now?

Jonghoon: You didn’t call us!

Hongki: What are you talking aboutt??

Jaejin: What do you mean what you’re talking about, I have been wanting to come to guest here but you didn’t call us!

Hongki: On our first broadcast, I called you guys, but the two of you had another schedule, didn’t you?? 

Jaejin: Excuse me, as for that, I had a movie premiere for my movie at that time! How was I supposed to come here?

Hongki: Thats why, its not that I didn’t call you, but you had another schedule! Jonghoon also went to the movie premiere, didn’t you? (t/n: At that time, FT was split into two, Seunghyun and Minhwan went to support Hongki on Hongkira’s first broadcast, while Jonghoon went to support Jaejin on his movie premiere ;) team work at its best! <3) But, at least, Jaejin posted on SNS that he was listening to Hongkira. Jonghoon, what about you?

Jonghoon: I listened to all of it! There are some stuffs that I even still remember! That corner that Seunghyun guests with DinDin for example! (--> Jonghoon has been diligently following Seunghyun’s corner in Hongkira! ;))

Hongki: But Seunghyun, everytime you came to guest, you have always been telling us stuffs about Youngshin, you never talked about the members. Can you tell us what the members have been up to lately?

Seunghyun: As for Minhwan, he has been writing songs with me. For Jaejin, he has been asking me to have some coffee together lately. Which I refused lol. I caught some cold, so I have been just staying at my house lately. As for Jonghoonnie hyung, he has like always been busy with golf, he even just returned from a golf event overseas. So that’s why, we are planning to grab some drinks together the five of us now.

Hongki: Thats right, we’re planning to grab some drinks after this, but apparently, only Seunghyun wont be able to make it tonight..

Seunghyun: Right.. there is a friend coming from Japan, so I can’t go today..

Jonghoon: Just ask them to hang out together..

Seunghyun: Are you sure you won’t mind, together with guys?

Jonghoon: Ah its guys, thats definitely a no then! xD;;

Listener: FT who have been together for the last 10 years, please give yourself some compliments, “for the last 10 years, I have been doing a good job at this”.. for self-complimenting like this, its something that FT can’t miss, can we? Who wants to start first?

Jaejin: /right away/ Me, me! This is Jaejin who is ready anytime to compliment himself. Jaejin-ah.. for the last 10 years in FTISLAND, you have been doing a good job as the middle guy, Jaejin, you are so commendable..

Jonghoon: Jonghoon-ah, in the last 10-ish years, you have been doing a good job in staying together with the rest 4 retards (the members laughed xD), you have been through a lot. From now on too, please take care of those retards well. 

Hongki: Ah, but you know, “retards” isn’t too appropriate for broadcasts

Jonghoon: Ah really, its because its been a while that I’m on a broadcast

Jaejin: Then, (change it into) stupid kids!

Seunghyun: Fools! xDD

Minhwan’s turn

Minhwan: Minhwan-ah, during your dorm life, for being able to bear with hyungs who wouldn’t turn off the light even until super late at night that you always cried, I am really grateful.

Seunghyun: Seunghyun-ssi who is DJ-ing in Hongkira will give it a try. Ah but, what is there to think about, you have done a good job for being able to be a guest DJ in Hongkira!

Hongki: Ah, Seunghyun, I didn’t know that you liked it that much to be in a broadcast!

Jonghoon: This kid is so fake lol

Seunghyun: I have learned a lot xDD

Hongki’s turn

Hongki: For being able to hang in there with your throat being in both good or bad condition so that you can sing well, congratulations. Ah no, not congrats, you’re so commendable!

Hongki: Actually, there are a lot of questions that have to do with our 10th year. For that, we will all come here again when we have our anniversary, so we can continue answering all of them. You will come, won’t you when we celebrate our 10th anniv?

Members: Sure, if you call us!

Hongki: We all definitely should come then!

-----

Hongki asked them to say their feelings of being in FT for 10 years in 7 words since FTISLAND is also written in 7 words (t/n: as in 에프티 아일랜드). They panicked, they had no idea of what to say lol

Jaejin said something, but everyone wasn’t too amused, they said his is too boring lol In the end, Jonghoon said “Not 10th year, but 60th”, he said that 80 or 100 years would be too much, so 60th year would be the best. If we get to our 60th anniversary, we’d be 80 years old by then, wouldn’t that be great?

-----

Listener: You guys, didn’t you go celebrate the new year together? What do you usually say when you toast your drinks? Please recommend us some cool ones!

Hongki: Um, we just say gonbe?

Minhwan: We say jjan!

Jonghoon: Lets die today!

Minhwan: Don’t run away!

Hongki: Don’t go home yet! lol

Hongki: But, yes, we did have a new year celebration together, but in the end I couldn’t make it because I was in Taiwan.

Seunghyun: Yes, its too bad..

Minan caught a cold, so he went to the hospital earlier and received IV. But he said he’s okay, and that noone needs to be worried.

Hongki: We are going to do a live today, its been a while that we do.

Jonghoon: Yes, but radio live is something that I ended up fearing. Because when we just debuted, we did a lot of mistakes when we did radio lives.

Jaejin: Ahaha I remember that!

Hongki: But, you did mistakes too though even after that

Jonghoon: Yes, but the mistakes (that we did when we just debuted) left a deep scar in my heart (xD;;)

Hongki: Ahh.. for the song that we are going to perform tonight, its Becoming You. Its a song that Jonghoon composed isn’t it?

Jonghoon: Yes, its a song that I made for our last album half a year ago.

Hongki: You made a lot of songs, didn’t you? If you have to choose, how do you rank Becoming You?

Jonghoon: Umm.. if I have to, its on #1. The meaning of this song is so deep.

-----

Hongki: It is so weird, its a show that I host myself, but now that I host it together with all of the members, the feeling is quite new. Thank you for Hongkira PD team for making it happen. Even though you didn’t buy me Bungeoppang, but I guess its okay.xD

Hongki: Ah I was so nervous, my face is all red

Seunghyun: Hongki hyung is too cute, you were following Jaejin hyung’s bass, weren’t you?

Hongki: I was following Jaejin’s bass, I thought I was an RnB singer. xDD My face feels all hot. xDD

Hongki: Seunghyun, are you ready for the next song?

Seunghyun: Ah please wait, I’m still tuning.

Hongki: To get a concert-like feeling, we should proceed to the next song right away.

Seunghyun: As is that so? Aren’t we going to do it slowly? Can you please give 30 more minutes?

Hongki: If we give you 30 minutes, the show would’ve been over by then lol

Listener: Minari, is that djembe that you are playing now?

Minhwan: Its a bit different from djembe.. its cajon. It gives you somewhat a mini drum feeling. (a little drum lesson here from Minari ;))

Hongki: That was Severely by FTISLAND, how do you guys feel after performing it?

Jonghoon: Its been a while that I listened to the instruments, and its been a while that I listened to Hongki’s voice, it feels good.

Hongki: How, do you think there is any upgrade in my voice?

Jonghoon: Nope lol

Minhwan: To that extent, you did well..

Hongki: Ah, I wanted to hear something more than that, but it was apparently a no.. xD;;

Hongki said that he thought he would feel less nervous since all 5 members are there, but he said that instead, he feels especially nervous. Seunghyun agreed, he said that the feeling is somewhat different. ^^

-----

Listener: Who among you who feels that you’d do a better job than Hongki in DJ-ing the radio show?

Jaejin: Me, yes, Lee Jaejinnie. Not Lee Jaejin’s Kiss the Radio but Lee Jaejinnie’s Kiss the Radio. Lol

Minhwan: But honestly, I think noone would do a better job than Hongki hyung.

Seunghyun: Indeed, Lee Hongki’s Kiss the Radio still sounds better than Lee Jaejin’s Kiss The Radio. /bows to Hongki/

Hongki: lolll Seunghyunnie.. you are doing great!

Jonghoon: /to Hongki/ You raised him well!! xDD /to Seung/ You shouldve guested more, you’re doing alright! xD

-----

Listener: If you have to choose, which member would you like to be in the next life?

Minhwan: Jonghoon

Hongki: As for Jaejin, it must be me. Seunghyun?

Jaejin: NOOO Its not!!!

Hongki: lol /ignores/ Seunghyun?

Seunghyun: Jaejin’s reply is Hongki?

Jaejin: NO, I said no!!

Hongki: The person that Jaejin respects the most is Lee Hongki, so its mustve been me! lol

Jaejin: No its not!! Lol For me, its also Jonghoon, because of his face. xD

Seunghyun: For me, its Hongki. Not because I want to DJ.. lol

Minhwan: Seunghyun is a bit weired today lol

Seunghyun: Its because when as a band, he is the frontman. I wanna be him who stands on the front, grabs mic, and sings, looks so cool. Also, when the four of us go to practice, I wanna be him who doesnt go to practices. xD

-----

Listener: The member who in the past 10 years has changed the most?

Hongki: Lets say together, 1,2,3, (all) Jaejin!

Members: Jaejin now becomes so cool, he smells good, he becomes dandy. He is also more fashionable now. He is also more confident in himself now, his personality has also changed, he is brighter now.

Listener: What is the soonest work plan that you have now?

Jonghoon: I have been working on our 10th anniversary album.

Jaejin: Talking about our 10th anniversary album, in the past 10 years, usually we just worked hard to repay our fans’ love, we just worked with a comfortable feeling. But for this, the feeling of burden and resposibility is no joke. So I focus even more when I work on songs and spend more time on each, I think I work three times harder than usual. I just kept writing songs lately.

Hongki: Ah, thank you. I feel really grateful to you guys. When I work on songs, you don’t. But when I don’t, you guys do.

Minhwan: But thats a good thing, isn’t it? We fill in each other.

Seunghyun: I feel grateful to Minhwan. Lately we spent a whole lot of time at his house together, working on songs, be it songs that would be good for FT or just for both of us.

Hongki: As for Minhwan, he’s just holed up at his house, playing games.

Jonghoon: Don’t you date too?

Minhwan: Of course I date when I do xD

-----

Listener: Jaejin, you sing so well, have you ever thought of appearing in Masked King?

Jaejin: Ah, the difference between me and Hongki hyung is that, I can sing in lives and concerts, but I’m still afraid to sing in broadcasts. I’m too nervous. I will work even harder then, thank you! 

And then they had a karaoke war, dongsaeng team and hyung team. Dongsaeng team (Minhwan+Seunghyun) sang Supreme Team’s Super Magic, while hyung team (Jonghoon+Jaejin) sangn Lee Juck’s Dont Worry Dear. Hyung team got 95 while dongsaeng team got 87.

Listener: Whoa FNC did you see that? The two of them (Jonghoon+Jaejin) did so well, please give them more jobs, it reminds me of FT Triple.

Hongki: Ah if thats the case, Minhwan, what about you? (t/n: since FT Triple is Jonghoon, Jaejin, and Minhwan)

Minhwan: Well, theyre all good except for me then. Lol If there is the next chance, I will do better.

Hongki: Seunghyun and I can just do acoustic vocal performance the two of us, then..

Minhwan: Then, I will just stay home lol

-----

Hongki: As we have been around and together for 10 years, as our Leader, Jonghoon, please say something.

Jonghoon: As this is a very special moment, a lot of people have been looking forward to how we are going to celebrate it be it a 10th anniversary album or various other plans. As much as everyone looking forward to it, we will do our best to prepare for it now. Everyone will probably be a bit surprised about it.

Hongki: Give us a super tiny hint!

Jonghoon: Umm.. 3/7, 4/7, 5/7, 6/7?

Hongki: Eh, what is that? (Could it be that Hongki or some members had no idea about it all? I think only Leader and Jaejin know? Lol)

Jonghoon: 3/7, 4/7, 5/7/ 7/7, 8/7..

Jaejin: Its something that came up a lot everytime we talked ;D

-----

Minhwan: In February, Seunghyun and I will have a fanmeeting together. We will perform our self-composed songs.

Hongki: Eh really? I had no idea about it! Where will that be?

Minhwan: In Hongdae.

Hongki: No but is this something that you can reveal already?

Minhwan: Of course! xD

Hongki: Ah really, there are a lot of surprises to the end.. xD

Bonus: Dongsaeng team punishment xDD

Translated by Lu, please do let me know if I made any mistakes. So sorry I couldn’t translate everything as I got tired towards the end lol T_T (Subbers are amazing!) But I think I live-translated some that I didn’t get to write here on twitter if you have read them. ;)