#not exactly mag 1 so I'll post it :)

[a-mag-a-day]

Hey! I have a little story to share too.

I'm fairly new to the fandom (I first listened to Anglerfish in this very July), but god, in such a short time span The Magnus Archives absolutely captivated me and became my most beloved, cherished show in the entire universe.

When I first listened to Anglerfish, I remember thinking: wow, such a cool anthology podcast, sounds like it's gonna be fun. I didn't expect to get hit with all the FEELS later, I didn't expect to connect with the characters so much and care so much. It's like I strolled down to the beach expecting a nice vacation and instead got hit by a tsunami. And I am NOT complaining! I fell in love and connected with Jon and Martin the way I haven't with any characters for a long, very long time, I relate to them so much and feel so soft when thinking of them. And this is painful, too, but this pain is also cathartic. Their love and devotion to each other is EVERYTHING to me.

The Magnus Archives found me in a very, very bad and dark place in life. I was just looking for a distraction from the horrors of this reality, a way to escape. Instead, I found something deep, profound and beautiful to cherish and hold on to. Isn't that strange? It's a horror tragedy! It's a dark story, it's a scary story, there's trauma and pain and fear! But amidst of all the horror, there's also light gleaming like a beacon in the dark. There's a profound beauty. At its core, and I cannot stress it enough, the Magnus Archives is not a horror story. It's a love story.

And this love, this light, this warmth gives me strength to carry on and not give up.

They brought colors back into my life when I thought I could no longer see them. They brought MAGIC back when I thought I lost it forever. They helped me to rediscover the beauty of this world and fall in love with this again. Thanks to TMA, I'm able to smile again, to dance and laugh and love again, to enjoy things, to feel something other than excruciating numbness. I found my inspiration and began PAINTING again, and it brings me so much joy and happiness I can't express! I picked up my guitar, which I haven't touched at all in three months, and now I'm learning new songs and new chords and I find myself actually WANTING to do things, to make and create things, to find joy in simple everyday pleasures. All thanks to TMA. This shows means so much to me and I love it so, so hard I can't even say.

It's beautiful, it's brilliant, it's stellar. The writing, the storytelling, the voice-acting - everything about TMA is just so good. Such a haunting, captivating story, thoughtfully and carefully crafted. Truly a hidden gem.

I'm so grateful and damn lucky to have found it. I'm writing this to celebrate TMA and its very first episode, and I will be relistening to Anglerfish today again :)

P.S. I TOTALLY forgot Jon's little El-Oh-El and now I'm dying 😂 My beloved ❤️

Oh wow thank you for sharing!

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary117

1/8-9/2024

monday - tuesday

i know why i was so tired yesterday, now.

i am sick once again, my whole body hurts and my nose is hard to breathe through and stuff, i feel like i'm always about to have a nosebleed, my throat hurts too. i love to live. i am so glad annoying cokeheads got me sick.

anyway today i was looking at old scans of fashion mags from south korea/china (probably hong kong i'd guess but no one specified) and japan (inescapable). i'll post some of my fav pics:

spur - japan - i like this last one because it gives me a fun idea for cover art, not the image itself, though it helps w/ pose ideas or whatever, but little watermark someone put up onto it. i think i need to do that w/ the photo i take of myself for the album art, have that there in pixelated text.

harper's bazaar - china

fhm - china - this one's super weird, the last image especially, hard to tell exactly what they were reaching for, the strangeness/relative uncanniness of these photos / defamiliarization of a magazine's approach to sex sells and whatever turning so genuinely weird and offputting feels artistically useful. it's so wholly gaudy and disorienting. weird stuff.

w - south korea

vogue girl - south korea - the scans of this mag are all super crazy, honestly, i didn't expect these all to be so interesting and good.

cosmopolitan - china - i can't tell if this one's text is part of the image or not but it's maybe my favorite part, how it's so ugly beside everything, the really strange gradient, too.

fruits - japan - i didn't realize this one continued through to 2007, really crazy, you only ever see the y2k stuff get passed around really. these outfits are super cute but like that one spur scan w/ the user's watermark, the watermarks here of this website are really interesting to me, i think i also want to stick some weird watermark onto the picture i take, i don't know what i'll call the fake site or whatever but i kind of want it to maybe be something ridiculous/violent in another language. i'd also probably do it in like 128x128 and upscale the text, and instead of having it be something white w/ lowered opacity, i'd try to index it so it's dithered white pixels, instead of smeary transparent text, and then upscale that.

the watermarking stuff is interesting, it's interesting that these scans of magazines that people used to create a sense of self/consume/receive what they ought to be / do are then turned into a kind of capital, at least when it's a website, to get people to refer back to the site/increase traffic, likely get people to pay money to not have to see the watermarks. it's a fun thing to play at, to me, the accumulation of basically trash information, the trading of images and their valuation. scans of magazines online are kind of like trading cards, it seems like, there's stuff uploaded on archive.org but not as much as anyone would hope, at least with this niche stuff. and there too, the safeguarding of images from being stolen, is sometimes present. i know they keep vogue locked up on there, same with a lot of books, you can't rip books out easily, i mean sometimes people do, but i don't try to do that really.

so en magazine - japan - another example of the watermarks on 2 of the 3 pics, this is what i'm imagining i'll try to approximate the above methods and stuff. also i really love how so en seems to really go in on a kind of fucked up revival of the 60s, the above range from like 07 to 2013.

re: music today, i did 2 tracks, i wanted to do more but i was getting hit like a truck by illness in the middle of the day. i think they've both turned out pretty good, maybe both need a little help w/ getting the kicks louder, but idk, my ears are maybe a bit messed up when trying to do that kinda thing. but i have to proceed. tomorrow i think i'll have to take care of this really tiny thing w/ a song, to get it right, and then maybe 2 other tracks. i am eventually gonna have to get back to my big problem track (really there are 2) but maybe by then i'll have a way better idea what i'm doing.

i am so sick, there's more i wanted to say, though. i read this pretty, frustrating, i guess, comic, tonight. someone posted it saying something like "this says a lot about being trans in north america" or whatever, and it mostly doesn't but it's interesting i guess to read something like that and think about why/how i feel alienated from ever being able to say anything stable about my own identity/gender. the frustration mostly though comes from this sense that everything's too perfect, the relations between characters are too neat and the things they know are too easy, almost, at one point a character looks at kiwifarms, and it's like, is this kind of person, because the comic is kind of working in types, the sort to so easily know about that. like, i dunno, it feels too easy, it seems like something find out about, when they're in the middle of the kind of thing that character was in the midst of, which would have been more interesting. but overall idk, there's a certain way of interfacing w/ oneself/other present in the comic, the sort of types it runs through, and stuff, it creates distance, even though i can sit there and be like, oh i know this type of person, i've met someone like that, or even just, i've seen this kind of thing from a distance. it's valuable to reflect on, because i try writing in similar directions sometimes maybe, i don't want to rely on types totally, i get why a comic would, in prose fiction it's better to get away from that but there's just stuff like that. really what i'm reflecting on, in my inability to say anything stable about myself, like, i can't say: i'm a girl, i'm a boy, i'm a man (speaking honestly, man is what i never want to be, i don't think i ever say i am one), i'm a woman (i don't really know what being one means, maybe, i'd need someone to tell me (and this throws up the whole issue of why girl/boy, that feels weird to me, i'm 25, i'm something else (but what, and like, i dunno))), without ever having to contradict it right after, i just want to be what i am without what feels like interference, but 'cis' is an interference too, i'm not cis, i know that, there's nothing else to know i think. anyway, because of that, when i write characters, the ones i'm writing as/using my personal life for, i can't really gender them, they can't gender themselves, they just are, no matter what, people stick things to them and they all let it linger, or they're troubling themselves over if they pass or not but that's something internal and particular. anyway, i guess there's a thought, where by never really saying anything outright, is that a cowardice, where i let the idea of normalcy/being normal creep in, i don't think so, i don't think i'm normal, or i don't think ultimately i help things be normal with my presence. i dunno though. i kind of hate the "some men are just feminine and are actually super normal" thing, not because it's untrue, but to say there's no complication there, and also that this isn't just a cope or whatever, is frustrating. it's frustrating because people are at once alienated from being 'trans' (a broad thing that can mean all sorts of things really) and wanting to still be seen as cis so people don't think you're weird. it's not something i hate the people that feel that way for, i hate the world that makes that desirable.

anyway, i dunno. it's basically all complex and fucked up. sometimes i think of myself in percentages but putting it to text feels like a commitment, i don't ever want to be committed to performing some percentage of gender. i really just want gender to disappear as a thing, but i also, obviously, really want to look a certain way, be seen a certain way, because of stuff that happened to me as a kid and stuff i saw and whatever, it's like necessary, i have to. no one has a gun to my head except i feel like one shows up when i'm ugly. i'm on a tightrope, i was put there, it's not my fault, a lot of people are on it too, like everybody is, it's terrible.

i think if tiqqun were writing currently on the young girl, they might be compelled to speak on trans stuff, but i think all they might say ultimately is that basically every human on earth is on hrt. they would be right. although that makes it sound like i think hrt is bad or something. or maybe not. i think hrt is good and i think about trying it sometimes, or not trying, i'd have to commit, that seems less scary than the percentages though because i could still really be whatever/nothing/everything. everyone's on hrt but they receive it via socially enforced norms/reality stamping down on you, you will conform to standards and so on and whatever. sometimes i think gender euphoria is really a negative thing, in ways, if you think about cis men and their gender euphoria, where they might get it from, being hard laborers or beating women, basically suffering and then throwing it around, things become more frightening. i experience euphoria when people stare at my ass and i want to kill them but i also want people to stare. when my gf is transfixed by me, it's really nice, but it's also scary, why do i want to be totally inert and just looked at. it makes me wretch but i can't help it, really. i need attention all the time. i'm writing about how fucked up my insides are, i'm so histrionic.

that's one thing on my mind. the other really is how much i hate being sick and how i am like a sick and withering whateverrrr. my head hurts distantly, in a threeway sort of thing, different points of penetration along my brain and stuff.

so, i should like, sleep, probably.

so:

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[un-local]

HIHIHIHI i just wanted to say ive been reading some of your meta posts about rogier which are all frankly brilliant in the absence of any real deepness to the characters in game.... and ive started reading a couple of chapters of still waters and omg!!! already it's got me hooked between rogier and his interactions with magdalene (and god i love her too)...... and your writing style??? it's so gorgeous and vivid yet tastefully simple!! i can't wait to see more of what they get into!!

Oh, wow anon! Thank you! I want to address your whole message, so I'll split my response into 2 parts so I don't go off onto too many tangents, lololol

[1] Metas I'm glad to hear my metas hold up, I kinda forgot what I said in them XD

But yeah, with the characters: on one hand, they're so vague that they can be whatever you want them to be. But on the other hand, there definitely seems to be an intention with them, but it always has felt just beyond my grasp. And you can come to vastly different conclusions about the characters if you change your interpretation of a character in even the slightest of ways.

With Fromsoft's storytelling style, that seems to be the intention. Insert that anecdote about Miyazaki here.

Regarding his approach to storytelling, Miyazaki stated, “I’m a fan of stories that require you to use a little bit of your imagination in order to really understand the whole thing. When I was young, I used to enjoy reading books that were too hard for me, where I could only read maybe half the kanji, and using my imagination to fill in the gaps. I wanted to see if I could bring that kind of experience to a video game, where you use your imagination to bridge those gaps.” [source]

I'm glad they've been helpful!

[2] SWRD I'm so happy to hear you're enjoying SWRD! It's been a blast to write. (If a little maddening. But what fic isn't?) I missed Rogier after he died in game. So much. It was such an unexpected loss for me, one that I couldn't shake for some reason. So this fic is just me filling the void he left behind.

And I'm so glad to hear Mags is a fun read! I love writing her. How she's different from Rogier, how she's exactly the same. How they're two sides of the same coin, in some ways.

Thank you for such high praise anon! Really, it's made my day. The part about my writing style especially: I don't even have any words, but I am sitting on my bed like this

I hope to have a full update out by the end of August!

Thanks again, anon! Be well!

[qingzhouxi]

The Time I Almost Hit Rock Bottom

Blog Post #6 Preliminary Drafting: May 5, 2023 Blog Draft Created: June 1, 2023 Blog Posted: June 2, 2023

Handa na ba kayong basahin ito? HAHAHAHA please grab your cold drinks cause things will get quite hot in a second!

I'll start retelling or perhaps re-viewing na rin this blog post sa araw kung kailan ako umamin sa kaniya, April 18, 2021 iyon kung tama ang pagkakatanda ko. Bandang 7:00 PM 'yun, and umamin na ako after akong sabihan ng mga online friends ko (na friends din naman ng inaminan ko, well at least at that time). At first, siyempre, kabado ako, aba'y aamin ako eh diba? Anyways, I think let's cut the chase na, initially that day sabi niya sa akin he reciprocates (yes, I'm not straight po for those na alam ang aking real identity) what I feel, so technically, umamin din siya na gusto niya ako.

Part I - The Precursor

I kid you not but not even a week later, nagsabi siya sa akin na nahuli siya ng nanay niya na mayroong fan account kaya hindi rin siya masyadong makakapagbukas ng account na yun. Take note, we started off sa online and probably, part of it is my fault kasi I should not have even fallen for someone who I only knew online. In any case, that happened, and so minsan lang kami makapag-usap, although sa times na nakakapag-usap naman kami, it felt real, it felt good, it felt satisfying, so yeah, no complaints naman for the time being.

Part 2- The Red Flag

So since reduced nga yung time na nag-uusap kami dahil binabantayan siya lagi ng nanay niya pag gumagamit ng cellphone to check if may fan account pa siya or if ginagamit niya yun, I resorted to other people. I likely overstepped his personal boundaries at that point kasi I shouldn't have asked knowing na ayaw niya sabihin kung ano ang real life account niya. But then back then, I thought ayos lang since we felt the same way towards each other naman eh, so no disadvantages if we did know each other's real account. Anyhow, I found it out by asking his friends and I asked him whether or not I can add it. At first reluctant siya to allow me, but he probably gave in due to pressure, I mean hindi ko siya ginamitan ng gaslighting ha, siguro naisip niyang it won't hurt din naman to let me do so. But ayon, in hindsight, it should have warned me na there might be a deeper reason why reluctant siya. Eh pero wala, honeymoon phase pa yun eh, masyado pa akong bulag sa pag-ibig. At saka sinabihan pa niya ako gamit ng fan account niya na wag kaming mag-usap na parang may namamagitan sa aming dalawa. I mean understandable naman siya but then medyo nakaka-off siya pakinggan kasi parang ikinakahiya niya kung ano ang relasyon namin.

Part 3 - Calm Before the Storm

Ewan ko ba kung bakit sumapat na sa akin yung ganoon na nakakapag-usap kami sa real account nang parang walang namamagitan sa amin. Siguro dahil maunawain ako noon? Pero baka rin sadyang hindi ko lang alam na bare minimum lang yun at hindi ko alam na hindi pala sapat ang ganoon kung may gusto sa isa't isa ang dalawang tao. Pero ayon, kalmado naman ako by this time though siyempre may kaunting kalungkutan kasi hindi kami makapag-usap nang masinsinan at nang mahaba, pero for the most part, masaya at kalmado pa rin naman ako noong mga panahong iyan. In fact, binati niya pa nga ako noong birthday ko eh, so siyempre natuwa at kinilig ako noon, kahit pa dapat naman talagang alam niya na birthday ko total nagsabihan na rin naman kami ng birthday namin sa isa't isa eh.

Part 4 - The Bomb

Hindi ko na tanda kung anong araw exactly yun pero I estimate around May 3, 2021 siya nangyari. I don't remember kung paano napunta sa usapan 'yun pero habang nakikipag-usap ako sa group chat (gc) naming mga online friends, may nagsabing sa babae lang nagkakagusto 'yung crush ko. Siyempre hindi muna ako naniwala kasi 1) baka nagsisinungaling o gumagawa lang ito ng kuwento at 2) baka ganoon dati pero hindi na ngayon. Hindi ko naman maitanong doon sa "ka-M.U." ko kung totoo 'yun kasi magiging sanhi pa yun ng di-pagkakaunawaan kung bubuksan ko 'yung ganoong topic. Pero hindi pa rin mawala sa isipan ko na maaaring totoo yun, lalo na't nakikita ko siyang may nilalandi in public na alam ko ay babae. Hindi ko naman yun pinagtuunan ng pansin kasi in public naman siya at mukhang nakikipagbiruan lang din. Pero nasa likod pa rin 'yun ng isipan ko, lalo na't may bali-balita akong natanggap na maaaring magpatunay na hindi niya pala talaga ako gusto.

Part 5 - Confrontation (Literal)

Okay this can be split to two parts, although they happened within the same day rin eh so might as well combine them. So 'yun, May 5, 2021, around 3:45 PM, naaalala ko pa noon, Biology time 'yun, nakikipag-usap ako sa group chat namin kasi napag-aralan ko naman na yung lesson na idinidiscuss (via GMeet) a while ago at saka patapos na rin naman yung time so tapos na rin naman yung discussion. Anyway, nakipaglandian kasi yung "ka-M.U." ko sa kaibigan niya, I mean alam ko pa rin namang pabiro lang ito, lalo na't sa harap ko ginawa tapos sa group chat pa. Initially, hindi ko nga pinuna kasi alam ko namang walang namamagitan, pero as the time passed by, unti-unti nang nawawala yung patience ko kasi paulit-ulit na lang eh, especially considering na alam nilang magka-M.U. kami that time. I went off around 4:00 PM and immediately after, nag-deactivate siya ng Facebook account. He sent a message to the group chat using another account, though hindi ko naman alam kung siya 'yun since maraming nakakagamit ng account na 'yun. I eventually came to the conclusion na siya iyong nag-send ng message na 'yun based sa mga nakausap kong gumagamit ng account na 'yun. In that message, he taunted me na kesyo masaya raw bang mawalan ng nagpapatakbo ng group chat (siya kasi yung admin/leader ng group chat) at kung masaya raw ba ako sa nagawa ko. I was hurt when that happened, and obviously it took very long to even begin the process of moving on. In fact right now while typing this, medyo naluluha pa rin ako, but I know that in due time, makakaka-move on din ako completely.

Part 6 - The Immediate Aftermath

So obviously umiyak ako the entire day, and the day after, and the following days HAHAHAHA. The last day that I noticed I cried is May 14 if I do remember correctly, I am not the type of person to hold grudge over simple things nor am I the person to remember the dates in which I felt bad and so knowing I remembered these dates, it implies just how traumatized and hurt I was at that time. Anyway, 10 days din 'yun ng walang-sawang pag-iyak. Patapos na school year noon eh, then I think it is also around the time na naghahanda na ako ng requirements for UPCA tapos ganoon so I was so unmotivated to even do any preparations for UPCA. Oh and my mother knew of my sexuality, guess what, she is not that supportive of it. I mean hindi naman sa galit siya but she asked me na since bisexual ako, can I not just like girls, even going so far as telling me she has been praying na maging straight ako since may hunch na siyang bisexual ako. I did not know who to confide to during those times and suffice to say, my mental health almost hit rock bottom. Thankfully, I gradually warmed up to my friends again and in due time, I felt better than I did before I even liked him.

Part 7 - The Amnesia

Hindi ko alam kung ano nangyari sa utak ng ex-M.U. ko na at that time pero nagpadala siya ng message sa akin na kinukumusta ako and obviously, hindi pa ako okay at lalong hindi okay na magparamdam siya sa akin knowing how hurt I was and how much I do not want to associate with him any longer. Para bang walang nangyari? Parang hindi niya ako sinaktan? Parang ganoon na lang iyon na palilipasin lang ang lahat tapos okay na? I did manage to talk to him for some days yata but after some time, I chose not to respond anymore for the sake of healing my mental health. I also unfriended his account on Facebook so that I will not get any direct reminder of what he is doing. I did not end up blocking him kasi wala naman nang reason to do that, hindi na rin naman kami nag-uusap at hindi ko na rin naman nakikita posts niya at all. If I blocked him parang ako pa yung talunan kasi ako yung gumawa ng reason para di kami makapag-usap. Although if he even attempted to message me again for some reason using his account and maramdaman kong parang wala naman siyang remorse sa ginawa niya, I would not hesitate at all na i-block siya.

Part 8 - The Analysis

Okay, I admit namang I probably should have controlled my emotions but in this case, it would have done next to nothing if I was able to, for all I know baka lalo pa akong nagamit kung pinairal ko ang pagiging rational ko eh. Still, I like to think na mayroon sanang naging maayos na closure kung hindi ako sumabog nang basta-basta na lang. However, justified naman lahat ng naramdaman ko, I think, since normal lang naman masaktan pag may nilalanding iba ang taong gusto mo, lalo na kung sinabi niya ring gusto ka niya, regardless kung pabiro or not yung flirtiness na yun. Probably hindi reasonable yung pagsabog ko, but it was understandable, kasi it would not have led to such extents if there was no stimulus in the first place. It just so happens na yung tolerance ko for those things is low, especially considering how insecure I was at the time after having gone through a failed relationship where I literally poured everything I have but the love still did not blossom.

Part 9 - How I Feel at the Moment

I am still moving on, hindi naman sa masakit pa rin, pero naririto pa rin ang mga alaala, masasakit na bakas ng nakaraan na kailanma'y hindi ko mabubura, gustuhin ko man o hindi. Hindi ko man mabura ang sakit, unti-unti ko itong matatanggap, at unti-unti rin bubuti ang kalagayan ko. Andami ko nang pinagdaanan, sa ganitong bagay pa ba ako bibigay? Of course not! Ngayon, ang ginagawa ko muna is self-love, after having a crush that was not reciprocated that took place months after this abomination of an event, pero topic na yun for another time, kung may another time man HAHAHAHA. Oh and somehow this person I talked about message me the exact same day I posted this draft... I do not know how to feel about that. Pero may reason naman siguro kung bakit nagkaroon ng ganoong coincidence. Maybe I am open to another start of a friendship, or baka closure lang talaga ang hanap ko. Either way, I'm mature enough not to turn this down, lalo na't kung hindi man kami maging magkaibigan, at least mabibigyan ako ng closure diba? I'll take that, lalo na't mas mabilis akong makaka-move on kung sakali.

Girl if you reached this far, you are another breed of reader! Props to you, baka machika ka lang, but then nothing's wrong if ganoon, I would love that even kasi machika rin ako HAHAHAHAHA. Anyways, that's all. See you sa next blog ko!

Word Count: ~1880 (excluding intro and outro), ~1945 (including intro and outro)

[ghostbustermelanieking]

oddly specific memories i have of listening to tma

in honor of the finale, and because i am a sentimental asshole, i bring you this potentially uninteresting and completely pointless list. i'm gonna miss this show a lot

half my original reasoning for listening to the podcast was to motivate me to walk on the treadmill. this did not work. but i did it the first time, when i was going through the trailers and anglerfish, and i remember the room where my dad keeps the treadmill is really dark and the spooky chanting sort of freaked me out

after the treadmill, i ended up listening to the bulk of the first four episodes on the couch, and halfway through i let my oldest cat, winnie, who always lived outside (i know, i was very against actually keeping her outside) in the house. and she jumped up on the couch with me, which she literally never did. (she was very grumpy and not super affectionate.) i had that cat since i was five, and she passed last june, and i really miss her. quarantine kind of gave us the opportunity to hang out with her a lot, because we were home so much. so i'm glad these memories are kind of intersected in my mind. (below: a pic i have from that day.)

my friend sarah relistened along with me the first time around, which was extraordinarily sweet of her, and also led to some interesting interactions. for example: she forgot when it was revealed that sasha was dead, so she accidentally spoiled that for me when i asked when the others would find sasha (and i spent all of season 2 just like. anxiously vibrating over this fact). she also made this post, when i was still in like early first half of season 1, and my immediate thought was "oh no martin is dead." i hadnt even MET martin at this point

back in early quarantine, my mom had this rule that we had to do something new every day (to keep away the depression... ha ha). anyways, all i wanted to do in my free time was sit around and listen to tma (and also watch this show i was into on netflix), so i came up with some lame excuses, one of which was "i'll give myself a pedicure." this led to the memory i ultimately associate with mag 56 (trevor herbert 2) being me sitting out on our roof balcony thing, giving myself a horrendous pedicure

another time, my family wanted to go play tennis, and they brought me along and brought a hammock for me to lay in. there was this excess material from the hammock, and the sun was in my eyes, so i ended up pulling it up and over me to block the sun and creating this ridiculous hammock cocoon thing. one of the episodes i listened to that day? "tucked in."

before i ever started the show, my friend sarah stayed with me while i was pet sitting. i remember when she got there, she'd just listened to 150 and was telling me how freaky it was (she was still trying to get me into the show), and she was like "of course we're staying on a CUL DE SAC." (that was also the weekend she watched us for the first time and was very upset because i slept through the whole thing, which is scary when you're staying somewhere by yourselves.) anyways, i spent the whole show waiting for the scary cul de sac episode

while i was listening to the show for the first time, my step-dad (an artist) started painting an EYE on the door downstairs near my bathroom. a fucking EYE. he didn't finish it til i had finished the show. but still weird!!

i binged like 12 episodes in one day to finish season 4, which is not impressive at all, but it's still my personal record. i just remember staying up late in my dark bedroom (til like.... 11 i'm lame and i go to bed early), listening to like 158 & 159 & 160 and just being knocked on my ass by how good it all was... i was SUPER spoiled by this point, through my own fault, and i knew exactly what was coming, but actually experiencing it was nuts

the second week i listened live was 167, where the public release was delayed by a couple hours by accident. i spent like 20 minutes refreshing spotify, thinking it was broken, before going on tumblr and seeing what the deal was. (and 167 remains one of my favorites of s5 because i remember just going "thank god it was worth the wait.")

this one car ride where sarah and i made some of our friends listen to the first three episodes of the show. it was the middle of the night and we were just like blasting down i40 listening to anglerfish and do not open etc

the night the what the ghost episode publicly dropped was the night after my graduation, and i was sleeping out on the couch in the living room so my grandfather could sleep in a bed. it was super dark, and i am a jumpy person, and i Remember being mildly disgusted with myself because the corny sound effects were actually freaking me out. (i think i mightve actually seen something weird that night, maybe, but that's another story.)

the weekend my parents moved me into college, we couldn't get the cable in the house we were staying in, and we were all sitting around doing nothing, so i jokingly suggested starting tma with them, and they were like ok grace. my step-dad promptly fell asleep and my mom zoned out -- which is probably good, she doesn't like horror and she's super claustrophobic, so it's probably better we never got to do not open

my brief roommate in college talked about how she was into those youtube channels where people just read scary stories, so of course i was like try tma out. so she listened to the first episode on her own, and we were out one night, and she started mag 02 while i went into an ice cream place. she was into it (she kept being like open it, ya pussy) and wanted to keep listening while we went home, and even back in our room. i had only been in town for a couple weeks, and barely knew my way around, but i also didn't want to turn the gps on and be interrupted every five seconds. so i tried to find our way back on my own. it took the entirety of mag 03, and into mag 04, before i did it. so now i will forever associate across the street with all those wrong turns i took in a dark, semi unfamiliar city, trying to get back to our college without a gps

the day of the early drop for 179 was the day i moved back home from college -- a five hour drive by myself. i ended up listening to it on the final stretch of the trip, when i was super tired and it was dark and i knew it'd probably be a crazy episode. just me full blasting down i40, drinking an energy drink (which i never do) through a hole punched in the top, listening to daisy's death

186 early dropped the day after initial u.s. election day (when we still didn't know anything). my mom had set up a "watch party" in the living room with these giant air mattresses, and we all sort of spent the day crowded around the TV watching the numbers. not much of a memory, but i remember sitting on that air mattress and listening to martin's monologue in the midst of that messy week

i had a virtual therapy appointment on the day of 187's early drop, and my dad was home, so i drove to an empty parking lot to do the session in some privacy. i was trying to listen to the episode before the session started, so i ended up listening to the last half sitting in my car, in the pouring rain, just staring at my radio in shock (187 remains one of my favorite s5 episodes)

my friend sarah had just come home for winter break the day 189 dropped, and we decided to listen together, just like driving around in circles drinking coffee and listening and speculating on whether or not that was really martin

i started my relisten right after thanksgiving and was just kind of blowing through fast as i could through the whole of december. i had to go back to college to empty out my dorm, and i went to the beach after, and i ended up listening to mag 11 while just like walking around in circles in the tide pools. the closer it got to christmas, the more christmassy i wanted to keep things, so i would like. listen in the mornings and turn on one of those Netflix fireplaces and get all cozy

my other friend went with me on a mini bagel road trip in december, and he was still trying to get caught up, so we listened to mag 169, 170, and 171 on the drive home. (by this point, i was accustomed enough to s5 and smiting scenes to automatically reach for the volume controls when jude perry and jared hopworth died.)

when i relistened to mag 47, i was sitting with my cat beezus. i paused the episode to write this big long meta, so i was in a different headspace when i pressed play again. jon immediately yelled for sasha and i immediately jumped, and beezus gave me a searing glare and just got up and left

i relistened to piecemeal while i was cooking, which i thought was kind of funny and also disgusting

after christmas, i got into the habit of bringing my cat georgia into my room in the mornings, and she'd crawl under the covers with me while i listened to tma

one story i've always liked to tell from my first listen is how when i first listened to the meat arm grinder episode, my dad asked me to help him cook hamburgers later that day and explained how hamburgers are ground up (to my disgust). i hit meat grinder in my relisten and um. you'll never fucking guess what i made for lunch that day

so i had all these arbitrary rules for myself when i started tma last april, and i've broken like all of them. i started listening to tma while virtually working -- you just pull it up on your computer and it works. (i got the life scared out of me when one of my coworkers started talking over the podcast, wondering who it was that had walked into jon's office and why he wasn't reacting and why i didn't remember it.) i also started listening a lot while driving, which led to several long meta posts i wrote being typed up in a parking lot somewhere

i spent the entirety of 194 anxious-cuddling georgia. (i tried to do this for 198 and then didn't have any anxiety to cuddle her over.) i fully plan on doing this for 200, where i am sure i will need it again

my favorite place to listen to tma probably ended up being the roof room at my mom's, and unless something goes awry, this is where i will listen to the finale. (with georgia, of course.)

this list is super uninteresting, like i said, but here it is. i'm gonna miss this show a lot. i can't wait to return to it, later in life, and make all new listening memories in the process

[mkyujji]

Current Open Word Docs

It's not that I'm not writing these days, it's that I'm not finishing anything.

Cobra Kai

1. When there’s friction making it difficult to be co-senseis, Johnny wishes it was easier to understand how to deal with Daniel. His wish gets granted Scrooge-style by Miyagi and he gets hit with all the highlights of what made Daniel who he is. current word count - 1039

2. For the kink meme prompt about Kreese being of questionable morality but drawing the line at rape/child molestation, finding out Terry raped Daniel in '85, and being absolutely livid about it. current word count - 1538

3. for a kink meme prompt about Miguel being self-conscious about his scars. current word count - 611

4. for a kink meme prompt wanting fluffy Johnny teaching Daniel something un-karate related. current word count - 1643

5. Halloween inspired. Johnny dies and gets a chance to redo his life from the point he thinks it went wrong. Spoiler alert: he's wrong. Luckily, he gets a little help from a universe-displaced, bored Archangel. (mild spn xover). Current word count - 315

6. Mob AU. Daniel is in LA looking to expand Family interests to the West Coast. He probably shouldn't be mixing business with pleasure, but Johnny Lawrence is very pretty. current word count - 650

The Witcher

1. Post-Episode: Rare Species. Jaskier goes home to Lettenhove. He hates it just as much as he remembers. current word count - 292

2. ESO xover. 832

(I have another 3 or 4 ideas with less than 100 words each)

The Old Guard

1. In a world where your soulmates first words are scrawled across your body, Nicolo de Genova and Yusuf al-Kaysani’s parents have very different reactions to the foreign letters etched on their sons bodies. current word count - 435

2. Quynh turns Booker into a cat. current word count - 607

3. After they're safely away from Merrick's Nicky finally lets himself fall apart. Nile and Booker find out some unpleasant bits of their older brother's past. current word count - 2067

Star Trek

1. sequel to my STBB Devour the Soul, Reaper of Men. current word count - 2232

2. Mirror Verse, Reaper!Bones. Jim is determined to solve the mystery of his new roommate. This is actually a LOT more plotty than it sounds. current word count - 3006

3. Mirror Verse, Reaper!Bones. When Jim takes over command of the Enterprise from Pike, he's surprised to find out that the CMO of all people is the one not to fuck with. current word count - 1176

Torchwood

1. The Time Agency is not gone. It's just a little busy trying to undo the Doctor's massive fuck up with Harriet Jones and the lost Golden Age. current word count -

2. 5 Times someone found out Ianto Jones is immortal and one person he told. (highlander xover). current word count - 1427

3. In the aftermath of Canary Wharf, two immortals commiserate. current word count - 1407

4. Another Immortal!Ianto fic. current word count - 1986

Merlin

1. modern AU with Asexual Arthur who falls head over heels for Aromantic Merlin. Twice. You'd think he'd learn the first time. This one isn't the exactly the happiest thing I've ever written and is definitely shaded heavily with life experience so I don't know if I'll ever post it even if I did ever finish it. >_> current word count - 2790

NHL

1. Request from a friend. Flower finds out that Sidney's never been kissed and asks Vero if he can change that. current word count - 810

Leverage

1. X-Men xover - the Leverage crew are mutants. I have four different fics in this verse, though I might just combine them at some point. their word counts are - 1156, 546, 391, and 454

2. Hawaii 5-0 xover - when the law fails them and some rich scumbags threaten people he feels responsible for, Daniel calls in reinforcements. 600

X-Men

1. the file is literally called 'no prison for mags' so. word count - 1418

(I also have another 3 or 4 ideas that are under 100 words)

I didn't add any of my MCU or Agents of SHIELD fics because I haven't actually touched any this year that I haven't already posted. All of these have gotten words in 2021. I also have a handful of Star Wars ideas that haven't gotten much actual progress beyond like... thoughts and research.