#not me treating this like an album release knowing maybe one person will see this lmao

[horsedadgeralt]

made myself promise not to publish the first chapter of my hanahaki until i have two more chapters done and it is DIFFICULT!!!!

this baby was sleeping in my drafts for 8 months and i finally continued writing it and it is a lot of fun and i’m so proud of myself for not giving up on this fic, but i also wanna share it with the world already ahhhhhh

but... chapter 2 is 50% done already and i might finish it this weekend, so maybe i can get chapter 3 done next week and then finally publish the first chapter!!

anyway here is a snippet that basically tells you nothing

As he’s left alone at the table with Borch staring at him with what he assumes to be sympathy, Jaskier feels like a tall child, put in his place, very clearly not at the Witcher’s side. An afterthought, not even an epilogue.

[badasmuse]

“Wallflower”

Bada Lee x Reader

Warnings: 18+ (MDNI), language, penetration, bottom!reader, top!bada, idol!reader good girl gone bad type beat, reader is a lowkey slut?

Summary: you’ve always been such a cutesy person. you’re tired of it.

Short a/n: i used songs for y/n’s group that are from other artist (obv) and same for her solo career. also changed one lyric from this original song. this was a request and i had so much fun with it.

Based off “Wallflower” by Kimberly August

when you started your idol career, you always knew you’d have to go to events, parties, and have to socialize with other people. you weren’t really too keen on that idea. you’ve never been a party goer and when you did go you stayed in the corner or alone. your old high school friends used to call you ‘wallflower’ as a nickname because of it.

however, you being a wallflower helped you meet your current girlfriend, bada lee.

you were both at a party, specifically your group’s album release party. you, of course, we’re leaning against the wall, babysitting a cup of whatever alcohol your group member gave you when she approached.

“hey.. i’m bada. congrats on the album.” she said leaning against the wall next to you.

you looked up at her, “oh hi. y/n. thank you. um i know you, you’ve choreographed for my best friend’s group. aespa? ning is my best friend.” you whispered, feeling intimidated by her height.

“i love ning.” bada said smiling which put you at ease. “why aren’t you socializing with everyone? the party is for you.”

“i’m not much of a socializer. my high school friends used to call me wallflower.” you mumbled.

she leaned against the wall. “well if you don’t mind, i’d like to keep you company.”

and from that point on, she never left your side really.

eventually, your group disbanded, but you continued on with your career as a soloist. weeks after your solo debut, bada asked you to be her girlfriend.

your group has always done cutesy concepts. starting with their debut song, ‘bubble’ up until their last song, ‘dun dun dance.’ even after you continued, you kept the cute act. your first song, ‘bubble pop’ blew up. your most recent one, ‘smile’ ft. a popular soloist, bibi, just dropped and the fans were eating it up. after that, you decided to go on tour.

your first show was tonight. you were extremely excited because you had something up your sleeve for your fans (and your girlfriend.)

you’re currently in the back getting your makeup done. your girlfriend approaches you, a smile on her face.

“hey pretty,” she says softly, “are you excited?”

you nod when your mua moves to find a good lip shade, “very excited. i can’t wait to perform again.”

“i’ll be right by the barricade rooting for you. you’ll see me, i’ll be up front with ning.” she said kissing your cheek and running off when your mua swatted her.

“messing up my work.” she complained jokingly.

eventually you were ready to go. running out getting your fans excited. you immediately started with your first song, bubble pop of course.

time went on and right after the short intermission you came out in a new outfit. it’s not revealing but the skirt is pretty short. your fans and girlfriend are pretty shocked. not ning tho, she’s recording bada’s reaction. of course she knew what was going on.

you laugh at the surprised noises from fans. “i know, shocking right? i’ve always been one to do cutesy concepts, have pretty outfits, sing my little cute songs.. but sometimes you need a slight change. since it’s my first time back on tour since my solo debut, i have a treat for you guys. here’s my new, unreleased song called ‘wallflower’ i hope you like it.”

I hear you're quite the little odd ball

A little strange I hope it's true

I'm just an itty bitty wallflower

But I could be real good for you

taking the mic off the stand and crouching down right in front of where bada is standing, you sing the lyrics to her, a slight pout on your face.

Well maybe I could call you mommy

And you could teach me all the rules

Yes I'm a good girl it's true

But I want to be real bad with you.

you stand up smiling when you see the tips of bada’s ears go red even in the dark light. you walk right to the security guard and he helps you down from the stage so you can make your way to bada and ning.

See you could have me on the front porch

Or take me up in to your room

Yes I'm a good girl it's true

But I want to be real bad with you

one of your fingers slide down bada’s face and you keep walking, deciding to go interact with the crowd.

towards the end of the song, you make your way back to the stage, arching your back as you slide down onto your stomach singing the last line.

Go on let me be real bad bad bad bad

your fans cheer loudly and you damn near cry. you thought they’d hate this side of you. you stand up all giddy. you’d love to release more songs like this.

once the show ends, you’re backstage gathering your things. you felt large hands on your hips and they slide around to your stomach. “hi bada.” you say putting your chargers for your watch and phone in your bag.

“what was that?” she says quietly.

“what was what?”

“the outfit? the song? the lyrics? the dancing?” you turn and face her, hoping she wasn’t angry. you look in her eyes and they’re filled with lust.

“i wanted to try something new.” you wrapped your arms around her waist and looked up at her. “did you like it?”

bada doesn’t respond. instead her eye twitches slightly and she kisses your forehead, “let’s go back to my place. hurry up.”

you turn around and grabbed the rest of your stuff and made your way to her car. however, you’ll never make it as fast as you’d like cause your cockblock bestie stops you.

“y/n! i know you’re trying to go do your big one in bed with bada but, i need you to release more songs like that. and wear more outfits like these man you look amazing girly.” ning says quickly.

laughing at her words you hug her, “thank you ning. i’d talk more but bada’s eye twitched before she told me to hurry up i’m tryna see what that’s about.” you kiss her cheek and keep it moving to your girlfriends vehicle.

the ride back to her place was silent, a comfortable silence. your leg bounced in anticipation. you have no idea what bada’s going to do but you’re excited.

she parked in the parking structure of her building and before you could unbuckle your seatbelt, she grabbed your face pulling you in for a rough kiss. she bit down on your lip, making you gasp. taking the opportunity, her tongue slipped into your mouth immediately dominating as a hand wrapped around your throat.

“b-bada.” you stutter, pulling back for air.

“you play a risky game. turning me on in front of your best friend and all your fans.” she unbuckles both seatbelts and walks around to open your door for you, hand out helping you to the door. “wearing this short skirt,” her fingers dip under the little elastic, “arching your back like that. now i don’t have a porch cause i live in an apartment but we can definitely go into my room. or we can go on the balcony.” she says.

you’re stuck as you watch her pull out her keys to open the door to her apartment. once the door closes, her lips are on yours again. she spreads your legs apart with her knee and rubs you through your panties lightly.

you let out a moan pulling at her shirt, trying to take it off her but she smacks your hands away. “uh uh. you can be real good for me right? hands to yourself.” she backs away from you making you whimper at the loss of touch.

she disappears into her room and walks back out about six-ish minutes later, finally unclothed, strap in hand. “strip.”

don’t have to tell me twice. you think. immediately stepping out of the skit and pulling off your top. you go to take off the knee high socks and she stops you.

“leave them on. we’re going on the balcony i don’t want it to be too cold for you.” she grabs your hand pulling you outside.

“what if someone sees us..?” you whisper as she presses your back against the railing.

“you said front porch. is this really different?” she grabs you pulling you outside.

she eyes you and you feel intimidated. your expression goes from nervous to confused when she hands you her strap.

“put it on for me.”

you blushed and kneeled in front of her putting the strap on, occasionally making eye contact with her.

“did i do it right?” you whisper.

“you did it perfect, princess.” bada helps you off your knees and bends you over the balcony railing.

you hiss as the cold, metal rail hits your boobs, making your nipples hard. “bada-“

she cuts you off with a slap on your outer thigh, “uh uh. what was it you said? maybe you could call me mommy? now you’re only to address me as such.” she pushed into you slowly and you let out a whine.

“please…” you say quietly, holding onto the rail.

“please what? use your words.” she starts moving slowly in and out of you, hand making its way to your hair.

“f-faster mommy.” you stutter out. you could feel the blush creeping up your neck when you called her mommy.

she groans and speeds up her thrusts. covering your mouth as you got louder. “i have neighbors slut. keep quiet.”

well that didn’t help. it only made you moan louder, eyes rolling back.

she sticks two fingers in your mouth. “i thought my wallflower wanted to be real good for me?” she started thrusting harder, her other hand untangling from your hair and rubbing on your clit.

and you don’t know why, but the way she quotes your song back to you while she pounds into your gspot and rubs your clit all while her long fingers gag you a bit has you cumming all over her strap. drool running down your chin and her hand as you choke out a moan.

“that’s my girl. ride it out.” she whispers slowing her thrusts but keeping the pace on your clit.

about a minute later, she takes her fingers out of your mouth and pulls out. your legs buckle and you start to fall but she grabs you.

“i got you. come on.” she walks you back into the apartment, locking the balcony door.

she got you cleaned up and put one of her shirts on you, pecking your lips. “i’m so, incredibly proud of you, princess.” she whispered holding you close.

“thank you, mommy.” you respond, making your way to the bed still in each others arms.

you cuddle up to her drifting off then you frown realizing something. “bada you didn’t give me underwear.”

“you won’t need them. we’re going again in the morning.” she replies, pulling you on top of her rubbing your back. “now rest. you’ll need it.”

oh lord.

[baxteravenue]

JUST A FAN... RIGHT?

summary: during quarantine you find yourself finding comfort in an up and coming rapper from louisville who is pretty active with his fans, a couple later you end up messaging his fan number never expecting anything from it...

a/n: sorry if this sucks, this was one of those pieces i wrote mostly for me and what i wish would happen when i message that damn number lol, anyways hope you enjoy!!

Jack Harlow had always been one of your favorite artists since the early start of quarantine when you had seen a tik tok of a baby-faced rapper promoting a song that you had not been able to get out of your head. 

At first it was just his music, you loved it and literally couldn’t get enough that you would spend your quarantine listening to it and soon it followed with you diving head first into his  interviews and ‘Funny Jack Harlow Moments’... you were infatuated with and it bled into Twitter. 

You used your personal twitter, never fully committing to the whole stan persona because you were still kinda iffy about all that. 

In late 2020 and early 2021 Jack was still so active with everything and all the indirects he would get, he was especially active with the tweets that would come from you. You quickly became one of his favorite accounts.

You were super surprised one random day when he followed you, sending you a DM with your tweet linked to it.

YOURTWITTERNAME— dua lipa is stuck in my heaaaaaaad

|

JackHarlow: My song or u just gotta crush on her ?

|

YOURTWITTERNAME: DUA LIPA IM TRYNA DO MORE WITH HER THAN DO A FEATURE

|

JackHarlow: You comin to any shows? |

YOURTWITTERNAME: maybe

|

JackHarlow: Daaaaaaaaamn Y/N don’t treat me like a second choice

|

YOURTWITTERNAME: next time to do something problematic so it’s easier to get tickets

|

JackHarlow: Mmmmm

|

YOURTWITTERNAME: not too much now sassy pants

It was the first and last time that the two of you had exchanged more than a few words or emojis from when he would reply to you on the timeline but it was also the last time that the two of you would talk before he went on tour and stopped getting so active on twitter in general.

You also slowly but surely stopped talking about Jack on Twitter since going back to school in person and just finding a social life, leaving your parasocial relationship with him in the past.

That was until a week ago when he had randomly dropped another album, and decided to promote it by releasing a number that he would be able to communicate with his fans with. It made you smile, this album was for him and the people who truly got him. 

You couldn’t help it, even though you hadn’t thought about Jack in a while it still didn’t stop you from listening to his album and eventually messaging the number. 

Y/N: i love the album, i know I don’t know you like that but it  feels so you… proud of youuuuu

You never expected a response especially since you were so sure that his inbox was probably flooding with messages from other fans but on the other side of the U.S. Jack’s eyes had caught your name, his head flashing back to yours and his relationship from once before. His number one. 

Jack: I’m so glad you love it Y/N , your opinion always gonna mean so much to me

Y/N: questions so about meeeee

Jack: Funny girl huh? You the one who stopped texting and tweeting making me think I fell off

Y/N: WAIT.. not you really texting lmao i thought this was AI

Jack: {SELFIE} Hi

Y/N: still sexy i see

Jack: Staaaaawpppp dont make me blush

Texting Jack felt so weird this time, because it felt normal… like there was no gap between the two of you. Like the two of you had known eachother forever and had always been friends. 

When you texted he would respond and sometimes he would even text you first. Things even started getting insanely personal and close when he had requested you on Instagram, something that completely took you by surprise since you had never even given him your name like that.

Y/N: did u just request me?

Jack: Was that weird?

Y/N: I’m confused…

Jack: Nothing confusing just press confirm 

Y/N: ok smart ass u know what i mean

When you had finally accepted him he was quick to text you.

Jack: I’m lurking 

Y/N: are you now?

Jack: You’re really fuckin pretty how come I never knew that?

Y/N: i don’t know about all that

Jack: Why is ur face not plastered everywhere 

Jack: It should be everywhere 

Jack: Gorgeous 

You could feel your heartbeat increase and as much as you wanted to allow yourself to feel something you couldn’t because you didn’t know him enough to take it seriously. He could very well be saying this to all his fans. Because that’s what you were… a fan.

You were in a random Barnes and Noble when an unknown number started calling you, you gave your phone a confused look before declining it going back to looking at the shelves. 

Unknown: Answer the phoneeee

Y/N: do i know u weird ass?

Unknown: Damn ur mean

Unknown: Answer the phoneeeeee

Your eyes widened as a live picture of Jack Harlow sent after the last text and then the phone began ringing again.

Was Jack Harlow calling you? There was just no fucking way.

“Did I win a giveaway or something?” You spoke softly into the phone and you almost dropped your coffee as a familiar voice spoke back.

“That’s how you sound? This shit is crazy…” Jack sighed.

You giggled, “I’m confused?”

“You sound just how I pictured.” 

“Why are you calling me, Mr. Harlow?”

“I want to meet you Y/N…” Jack spoke lowly, “I’m gonna keep it a buck and shit if you wanna sell this story to TMZ let me know but I don’t really do this and you know people want a lot from me but I feel like you don’t and shit I may just be talking but… Why you laughing?”

You smiled, “Because you’re you and yet you're stumbling all over your words.”

“What would the world think?” You could almost hear his smile.

“Jack…”

“Y/N…”

You bit your lip confused, “Why do you want to meet me?”

It was quiet for a second before Jack spoke. “Can I be honest with you?”

“Always.”

He let out a chuckle, “I believe that I have a crush on you, Y/N.”

“And what are you gonna do about that?”

And that was how you ended up in Las Vegas after being flown out by Jack Harlow…

You had told him once that you lived in Los Angeles, you didn’t expect him to remember but he did. 

Should you have been scared? A man you never met flying you to him to meet for the first time? Sure, but you weren’t because this was Jack, someone who you had been having regular conversations with daily for the past few months. The same guy who admitted to having a crush on you.

But then again this was Jack, a guy you really didn’t know if you were actually being serious. This could have been all a part of a really weird Hollywood cult initiation thing.

Jesus, everything that was coming out of your mouth sounded insane.

To say you were second guessing everything and anything was an understatement, and you were just about ready to hop on the next flight back to Los Angeles— Until you saw him, all covered up in a New Balance set as if it was doing a lot to hide his tall figure.

You smiled at him, instantly grabbing his attention making him do a light jog to you.

His smile was even prettier in person and if you took the time you could count all the freckles on his face. 

“Hi.” Jack smiled at you, before pulling a bouquet of…

“Are those Hyacinths?” Those were your favorite flowers, you don’t think you ever even told him that yet there they were in a bouquet in his hand.

Jack shrugged, smiling even bigger. “Like I said I was lurking and may or may not have found through a tweet about animal crossing, which by the way I would love to visit you on your island.”

He was perfect, insanely perfect.

You grabbed them, pulling the bouquet closer to your chest. “They're gorgeous, thank you so much.” 

“This is gonna sound really middle school but can I hug you?”

You laughed, before wrapping your arms around him feeling his wrap around you too. You could hear his heart beating.

You looked up at him seeing that he was already looking down at you, “It’s nice to meet you Jack.”

“Right back at you, pretty girl.” 

You felt like you were floating as Jack threw his arm over your shoulder, leading you through the busy airport to where his car was waiting. 

“Finally, they were just about damn ready to arrest me for parking here.” A familiar face appeared as you walked up to the car.

“Not your fault of course,” The guy winked at you, “I’m Urban.”

Jack quickly brought you closer to him, laughing. “She doesn’t care Urb, now get in the back.”

You smiled, “He doesn’t speak for me. Nice to meet you Urban, I’m Y/N.”

“I hope you chill him out, fame has gotten to his head.” 

“I’m sure.” You gave Jack a look before hopping in the passenger seat.

Jack sighed as he got into the car, “I’m not sure I like what’s going on here.”

The drive back to the hotel was full of laughter and getting to know Urban as he talked all the way back. You thought he was funny and could see yourself getting along with him. 

Your eyes widened as you rode the elevator up, having to tap the card and put a special code to ride up to a private floor that Jack was staying at.

“I’m not being promiscuous by the way, this penthouse has four rooms so you get your own, but if you want like your own room-room that’s cool too and I can make the call I just want you to be comfortable.”

“It’s fine,” You smiled up at Jack. “It’s perfect.”

“Like you.” Jack winked.

“And that’s my cue.” Urban groaned, “Let me know when yall are done being all cute and shit.” 

“Gonna be a while, I don’t think she can.” 

“Goodbye!” You could hear the elevator close leaving just you and Jack in the suite.

“I’ll show you your room, so I can put down your heavy ass bag.” 

“I told you, you didn’t have to carry it.” You said as you tried grabbing the bag from him, making him pull it up out of your reach.

“Nah, nah.” He shook his head, leading you to your room, the bag still being held up high, “I just did arm day so this is something light.” 

You looked at how toned his arms looked as he set down your bag on the dresser in the room he had for you. 

You sat down on the bed, “Comfy.”

“Better be, shit cost a ton.” He sat down next to me, “Still not used to all this.”

“Are you excited?” You asked him, “For tomorrow? I was lurking on Twitter and I saw that a lot of your fans are coming.”

“Yeah, I love em’.” Jack smiled, “Want to put on a good show for them especially for canceling so last minute last time. I even had my manager plan a little secret missionary party for them to get to know each other tonight.” 

“You’re so sweet, are you gonna make an appearance?” 

He shook his head, “Got something else planned for tonight.” 

“Like?” 

Jack shrugged, “I don’t know, like taking a pretty girl out on a date.”

You nodded, “Hope she has a fun night… I might go visit that Jack Harlow fan party because you know I’m a fan.” 

“You’re more than that to me, Y/N.” Jack shook his head, “I hope you know that.”

You wanted to believe it, you really did. But seeing as Jack had chosen a weekend where Vegas would be littered with his fans making it easy to move you into the fan category if he wanted to in case people started asking questions. 

You nodded, “Okay.” 

Your eyes opened slowly as you woke up from an accidental sleep, you blinked as the once bright room was covered in darkness. How long have you been asleep? How did you even fall asleep?

The date, shit.

You quickly got up, heading to the restroom that was connected to your room brushing your teeth and splashing your face with water to wake you up some more. 

“She’s asleep… She got in early… No, it's only been like an hour and a half… Thanks, I'll let you know how it goes�� I’m not talking to her… Enough, bye.”

You could hear him talking from the other side of the door. You waited for him to finish his conversation not wanting to interrupt anything. 

Slowly, you opened the door walking out in the living room area. His back was faced to you but it didn’t take long for him to turn around, giving you a smile.

“Have a nice nap, pretty girl?”

“Why did you let me fall asleep?” You asked, a little upset that you had wasted precious time with Jack. 

He stood up, walking over to you. “It’s okay you weren't even asleep for a long time. Plus that was my bad for booking you such an early flight. I would have done the same.” Jack took your hand leading you around the couch, “Hungry?” 

You gave him a deep stare, “Starved.”

Being around Jack felt surreal, almost like you were in a daze.

Eating breakfast, giggling like high schoolers, and just overall getting to know one another was unlike anything you had experienced previously. You were excited about it all— Until reality came to view.

Right when the two of you were about to head out to the dinner that Jack had planned for the two of you he had gotten a call that he had to take in the other room, leaving you with your thoughts about everything that was going on and how everything would end up when you eventually would have to leave.

You frowned as Jack came back in with an annoyed look, “I’m gonna make this up to you pretty girl. I promise.”

“What happened?”

“Club called, wanted me to do an appearance tonight supposedly it was on the contract which is bullshit.” He sighed, “I gotta be there for at least two hours.” 

“Two hours?” 

“Look when I come back we can—”

You felt like someone had slapped you in the face, “You want me to stay here?”

Jack felt like an asshole. “Pretty girl, it’s just… At these clubs it’s a lot and people take pictures and I don’t want them to ruin this.”

Right. Of course he wouldn’t  want pictures of the two of you together. Gosh, you hope your sadness and disappointment show on your face but when Jack looked at you again you could tell it did. He was looking at you as if you were a kicked puppy— like the girls used to in middle school when you wanted to hang out and they didn’t have the guts to tell you no but they weren't exactly gonna tell you yes either. 

“Oh, yeah that makes sense I guess. Um…” You didn’t know what to say in a situation like this, you couldn't exactly argue the two of you were nothing. “I’m tired anyways so yeah… Have fun Jack.” 

Jack shook his head, “You’re not tired and you know what fuck it. I’m my own person and if I wanna bring a girl out to something I can.”

Okay, now you were confused which was easily filled in by Jack.

“My management has this thing with image, they portray me exactly how they want me to be and if a heartthrob rapper is who they want me to be I can’t exactly say no… or I couldn’t before.” Jack sighed, “Look Y/N… talking to you these past few months on the phone, in text, and everything in between that's the realest I’ve ever felt with someone in a really long time.”

“Jack…”

“Mm-mm.” He shook his head, “I see the way you’re holding back with me and I don’t want you to. I flew you out to Miami because I needed to meet you, to see you, and I want to continue to see you because I really like you.”

“I’m nobody though, Jack. I’m just your fan.”

“And I’m obsessed that you're my fan but you're much more than that to me.” Jack smiled, “You’re Y/N, a girl who’s obsessed with Taylor Swift, and corrects people when they call Grogu ‘Baby Yoda’, you're someone who loves a cute drink even when they taste horrible, you're the only person I know that can spend hours at Barnes and Noble… You’re much more than my fan Y/N.”

You had spent so much time thinking all of this was one sided like you were the only one learning things about him but it just wasn’t true because he was listening. He was listening to it all, even the smallest details about you that you had only brought up for a second.

“That was the most romantic thing that’s ever happened to me.” You smiled.

“Not the paid for airplane ticket and expensive ass suite.” Jack smiled back at you cheekily. 

You shook your head, moving closer. “I’m gonna kiss you now.”

Jack leaned down, “I’d be offended if you didn’t.” 

And just like that, all the doubt and negative thoughts had washed away when his lips met yours because now you knew that it was all real. Every single feeling that you felt, every feeling that he felt… It was real.

The two of you pulled away breathless.

“I’ve been waiting to do that since you stepped off that plane, and I don’t think I’m ever waiting again.” Jack brought his hand up to cup your face, his thumb brushing over your cheek. “My pretty girl.”

[genshin-scenarios]

steps to fall for you: introduction

Pairing: xiao x gn!reader x venti poly

Summary: ‘Aesthe’ is a popular idol unit made up of Albedo and Scaramouche. As their manager, you’re much too busy to dip your feet into things like dating and romance– So of course when faced with the question of how to gain more familiarity with it, the only reasonable solution is to train with (non-idols) Venti and Xiao, right? Right.

Aka: trial-dating → falling-for-real shenanigans ensue, with xiao/reader/venti poly in a modern setting.

Wordcount: 2000+

All things considered, you’ve hit the jackpot in life; sure your job can be really taxing and downright ridiculous at times, but you’d like to think that at the end of the day, Scaramouche wouldn’t try to drive you off like he had with your recent predecessors, frustrating them enough that they’d resign without him needing to file an official complaint. 

He’s petty like that, or maybe it has to do with his comments about how ‘it’s hard to find real people these days’. You suppose it has to do with the two good managers they had (but were spread too thinly over different units) and a handful of others that quote unquote, ‘didn’t have enough dedication’. Suffice to say you’re quite relieved that three weeks in and after an absolute storm of work, Scaramouche and Albedo had grown to accept you as part of their team. It’s been a long time since then, and their texts to check up on you can be kind of sweet, even if paired with questions like ‘did you get trapped in a Starbucks again?’

It’s not your fault that the one time you make an errand run there (to get a gingerbread man on short notice, which didn’t even make the final cut,) the universe decides that oh, the entryway? Jammed by some mysterious force of physics. Backdoor? That building didn't have one!

You digress. But all things considered, you’ve become quite fond of Scaramouche and Albedo too. There’s a sort of camaraderie that develops after working together for almost a year, but if there’s one thing you know you’re all three mutually bad at, it’s working through the steps of romance like a normal person; with a cat-like Scaramouche and Albedo who’s more invested in other things, you're only glad their fans still swoon regardless.

At least, you assume a normal person wouldn’t be overly cautious of a cute stranger asking you out to a movie (occupational habit), accepting it at first (you panicked), and then going to the date to realize that yeah, you really don’t have anything in common (it was nice but you realized it wouldn’t work out. Shame, they really were cute.)

When the bustle and chatter of the coffee shop reaches your ears, a relaxed sigh escapes your lips. It’s been busy with the release of Aesthe’s new album tomorrow, but since you managed to get everything on your end done, you’re treating yourself to a day off before the chaos that always comes past midnight.

Suffice to say, you’re quite surprised to run into Venti—who’d been responsible for developing many songs for the company amongst other independent work—right as you pick up your order from the counter.

“You’re off early today,” he greets, dressed in his usual comfy sweaters and pins on his braids to match. “Just twelve-plus hours before all hell breaks loose, right?”

He’s smiling, but you’re well-aware Venti tries not to look at the comments for at least a few days until the reasonable and true remarks were picked for the team to reflect on. 

While you’re a manager instead of an artist, you’ve spent enough time around to know that their work can be like placing a piece of their soul out for the world to see. With that in mind, you give him an encouraging smile. “I tried to clear everything off so that I could take a break today, but don’t worry - I’ll send you the important notes after things calm down. Just try not to get buried in compliments, alright?”

Venti rolls his eyes. “I work according to the idols, so it’s not all me. And really it’s the mixing and editing you don’t see that drives me mad,” he sighs as the two of you sit down, decompressing all the stress that’s built up until now. “But anyways, Aesthe is pretty honest about their feelings, so I’m not as worried.” His lips quirk, and that’s when you immediately feel a sense of doom wash over you. “Speaking of work and life balance, I heard about your date.”

Of course Venti heard about it. Why wouldn’t he have? “Sometimes I really wonder if it’s good that our company is so close.” You stall, taking a sip of your drink before considering your words. “They were nice, but we didn’t click, I guess? No butterflies and all, but that might just be me being too focused on my career.”

“You don’t seem that married to your work.” You’re sure he’s trying to comfort you, but it doesn’t sound as credible coming from someone who’s equally passionate about his job. Venti continues, propping his elbows on the table to lean closer. “I mean, sometimes you just need to meet people that catch your interest a lot more than you bargained for, then poof! Crushes, nerves, dates - the whole shebang.”

“Fun… Is that what your take on love is?” You tilt your head. 

From anyone else it might come off as a flirt, but Venti has been in enough meetings with you to know you’re genuinely asking. He’s always appreciated how sincerely you treat those you work with, so he’ll endorse this heavy question a tiny bit. 

“I guess so, yeah! Ideally speaking, wouldn’t it make you want to see the same people again and again? It makes for a good song, too–” He’s about to say something else, but the door of the cafe swings open with a brilliant ring of its bell. Venti’s facing just the right way to see who walks in, and his thoughts are very quickly derailed by the familiar face that enters.

Venti waves Xiao over after he retrieves his drink from the counter; you vaguely hear the barista call out a caramel macchiato. “Xiao! What a coincidence - why don’t you join us?” Venti’s regaining some of his preppy energy that you normally see in the office. “Grab a chair— yep! Alright. We’re talking about love.”

“Love?” You almost burst out laughing at the look on Xiao’s face, puzzled and twisted in regret that he’s already dragged a chair over. “What about it?”

“What do you think of love, Xiao?” It’s half teasing and half curious, but Venti does give him a bonus of context. “We were talking about Y/N’s date, if you’re wondering how we got here.”

“Was… Was the date that bad?” 

You hide your face in your hands just as Venti suppresses a snort. Mustering your dignity, you try to meet Xiao’s eyes if only because his tone held genuine concern. “No, it wasn’t that bad. I just realized that maybe I’m not so great at opening up to strangers.”

“Ah, if only those soulmate tropes people write about would come true.” Venti muses while stirring his iced drink.

Xiao blinks. “Didn’t you write one about that trope before?”

“Details! Where did they take you anyways?” Venti turns the attention back to you. “A bar, a cafe, the park…”

“A cafe,” you slowly inform them, finding it hard to not be suspicious of where this conversation is going. It’s a friendly type of suspicion though, because of how you’ve interacted with them in the past. Xiao is a choreographer that works with the company, though like Venti he isn’t full-time like you are. “We just tried to get to know each other. It wasn’t too bad, but we didn't exactly click. I guess it’s a little hard to learn that much on a first date, and I was being a little guarded anyways…”

There’s a pause as Xiao registers your story. “I’d try to give you advice, but I’m not that great with these things either.”

“You’re both hopeless.” Venti concludes. When the two of you fix him with a look, he raises his palms in surrender. “What? I’m not claiming to be a romantic genius either! I’m just saying, the advice that’s going to be passed around here might not be the most useful.”

“At this rate, maybe I should be the one to lead a date and ask someone out?” You joke. “It can’t be too different than planning for work, right?”

“If you can win over Xiao, you might just have a matchmaking business in the works after all.” Venti wiggles his eyebrows at said man, who scowls.

“Shouldn’t you be the tester?” Xiao sighs. “You’re better at socializing, and would give better feedback.”

“I’ll set you both up with a date plan if you pay.”

“Aren’t we supposed to be helping you with the dating?!”

-

Suffice to say, the conversation soon derailed to talks of a ‘solution’ to your problems. Both you and Xiao need help, Venti reasons, and since the best way is to learn through practice…

We’re actually doing this, right? You ask yourself in your head, feeling like an idiot. I swear if Venti was just joking this entire time—

~ a few days ago ~

“Okay, so pretend you’re characters in a romance show or comic.” Venti starts, trying to lay the scene. “You’re at the bus stop and someone tries to sit closer to you even though there are seats somewhere else. They keep glancing at you, what do you do?”

“…Mind my own business?”

“Ask if they need help with anything…?”

You’re both honestly answering his theoreticals, which might be why Venti gets increasingly flabbergasted by your answers.

“You’re in highschool and you get a letter of confession in your locker.” He asks, desperate. “What happens?”

You blink slowly. “I go meet them and see what they have to say?”

“Yes…”

“But first I’d check if it’s a prank or not.”

“No!” Venti holds his head in his hands, turning to Xiao. “You?”

“I thank them for their honesty but we should probably focus on our studies instead.”

“You’re both sick and twisted.” Venti deadpans, a little impressed that he too has been tricked into thinking you guys have your cute moments that lead to random people crushing on you. He thinks to himself that maybe it’s best if those people never find out the truth and get their worlds shattered. “Like— Yes those are realistic, but I asked you to answer as if you were in a shoujo manga!”

“To be fair,” you try to return his faith in humanity. “I think it’s because theoretically speaking, we don’t know anything about the random characters.” You think. “Maybe strangers-to-lovers just doesn’t work that well with us?”

“Friends to lovers then.” Venti folds his hands on the table. “If you talked to Xiao more and he stops running away from parties, then he confesses to you.”

“What.”

“Then… If I feel the same way, I’d say yes?”

There’s a moment of silence before Venti speaks up again. “Alright, I haven’t done this since I had to set my friends up in school, but why don’t we try…”

-

Fake dating. Or well, ‘practice’ dating if you were to be more specific. Seeing as you’re sometimes thrown off when it comes to matters of the heart, and Venti diagnoses that just Xiao alone will probably not give you both the push you need, he proposes a scheme that involves all three of you. You’d go on dates, try to get used to flirting and being flirted to (though a part of yourself knows Venti is using this as an excuse to mess with you and Xiao), and it becomes more foolproof because Xiao and Venti’s personalities are different enough to cover a few bases (quote unquote, giving you ‘immunity to both the cute and silently handsome’).

There’s just one little hiccup about your first trial date; Venti was running late.

[joyswonderland1108]

This fucking fandom

Ah fuck i can’t even fucking get sick in peace!! Just when i allow myself to rest a bit from posting shit happens and i find myself coming back here to rant or whatever i should call it at this point.

So the other day i was writing a post as a follow-up to this post : 

But i just deleted it, i was like uh yeah maybe i’m being a bit too harsh.. WRONG!! I knew this fucking fandom didn’t deserve no pity, my bad i should’ve just posted it. 

So in my follow-up deleted post i was saying how i didn’t want anyone to come to me with that bullshit excuse of “But we’re streaming, we’re basically working hard for those achievements to happen so why won’t Letter be about Army since we work hard for him” and honestly this is where the entitlement comes from. Some people believe that just because they stream, buy and post that means they have all the rights of ownership over the members, yes OWNERSHIP.

I then carried on by explaining how not everyone who fought to get Jimin on top wasn’t necessarily because they love him but for some they just wanted one member of BTS to be on top out of pettiness towards other fandoms and they needed to flex, didn’t matter which member as long as it’s a BTS member who will keep BTS’s name superior, and it so happened to be Jimin this time. 

Now you may wonder why tf am i bringing up a post i actually ending up deleting or actually didn’t even post? Well with Yoongi’s upcoming release.. I don’t even need to say it now do i? I guess you’re pretty much getting what i’m trying to say but let me just put words out here. 

I’m not here to talk about how close Yoongi’s release is to Jimin’s, this is something they probably went over with each other and with the company it has nothing to do with me or us or anyone else can’t really say much about it but what i can talk about is Army’s hypocrisy. When i posted about Yoongi’s D-Day announcement i clearly mentioned that I personally along with some other Army i know would either try to find or make a Yoonmin focused playlist, since Jimin promo period was cut short, we still wanted to keep pushing it while still streaming for Yoongi. 

Now what is happening is mfrs who are dropping Jimin completely to focus solely on Yoongi. When Smf pt2 dropped and the whole FACE album released, playlists were still encouraging streams for Smoke Sprite and On the street, we were still trying to keep the boys at higher ranks doing the effort to do a proper streaming for Jimin all while not dropping any other member. 

Now those people do realize that Yoongi will have his album trending from now till June, while Jimin won’t necessarily be able to still keep up with a proper promotion schedule because that would be interfering with Yoongi’s release, and fucktards couldn’t even bother keeping up with streaming or at least think about a Yoonmin playlist too. It infuriates me how for me despite being Jikook biased i’m still willing to do as much effort for Yoongi as i did with Jimin because i’m OT7 after all but assholes out there pretending to be OT7 yet became completely blinded. 

And for some fucking reason Jimin or Jikook biased Army (not solos) are all so excited for D-Day and preparing to stream for both, so tell me why tf can’t other Army do the same thing? Was messing with that one other fandom all it was for them? “Let’s get Jimin that #1 to piss them off” is that it? He worked his ass off to share something very personal with us, shared his struggles, a deep and dark part of himself just for Army to treat it as a threat to other idols and fandoms? 

I swear this motherfucking fandom is toxic and unhealthy, as Joon said “You changed” Aka you fucking suck! I don’t even know how to put anymore words i’m just trying to recover but God fucking dammit!

[thenwethrowitonthefire]

it doesn't have to be that way.

okay

I need you to know that I've been thinking about this ask non-stop for the last 3 days. This song came for us all and took us under its wing. I live here. It's a gem of a song. (This reply will get very long.)

My first time hearing it was live, as it was for a bunch of us as the album release was at the beginning of the tour. To set the scene, I was obviously really excited for any new songs I'd be hearing that night, and then Russell introduced the song like this:

"This is another brand new song for any of you who feel like maybe you're not on the right course. [He pauses briefly.] It's a song that's called 'It Doesn't Have To Be That Way'."

I was already nearly in tears, and then it started:

They always said that you cannot change your mind, Do it once and you're defined, do it twice and you're divine

...

It doesn't have to be that way, okay?

Every line of the entire song hit me like a brick while also being the most comforting thing I've ever heard. It was beautiful. And coming from the guys who for over a decade have been my personal champions of "things not having to be that way", the guys who are my people, who have by their very existence been telling us all this exact message for all these years. And here it was, in words, aimed at all of us.

They always said that you need to have a plan, Doesn't matter, any plan, any plan they'll understand, It doesn't have to be that way, okay?

... They've not been known to go for songs that bring people to tears, and I'm not known to be the kind of person to listen to songs and cry. And yet here we were.

While I can write an essay on every verse, a part that's especially meaningful to me, as a queer person, as an aspec person, is this:

They always said that it must reflect your life, And incorporate your strife, maybe mentioning your wife, It doesn't have to be that way, okay?

These *are* lines that seem to reflect their life (the entire song seems to, just as it does ours), and they're all things I've always loved so much about them, things that have paved the way for all of us. But I'm going to especially highlight the "maybe mentioning your wife" line. Here we have two (likely) heterosexual men, but they don't bring their love lives to the public eye - very consciously, and by choice. What they do with their lives is all about their music. Their lives are highly meaningful, to them and to so many people, and you don't need amatonormativity or the nuclear family to have a beautifully meaningful life. They show that every day, in all they do. Their work has always attracted many queer people of all sorts for obvious reasons, and it's been so easy to find aspec people among the fans which is a real treat. While they likely both have partners, the beauty is that we don't really know. We don't know that part of their lives and we don't need to know to know them, if they're not telling us it doesn't concern us. There's a lot of people who don't understand this though, people who feel like they don't know who Sparks are as people because these people feel like in order to know who a person is, they need to know their relationship status and whether they have a family. (In reality these people are looking at the wrong things, they're trying to classify and understand life in the only way they know, and therefore they seem to be unable to see what's there.) The added beauty of all this is that it doesn't just gives Sparks some privacy, but also it creates a safe space for all of us who aren't looking to live that way, who aren't looking to build our lives around a romantic partner, for whom the ideal life isn't one where you build a family, or for whom that do wish to live that way but where it isn't the thing that defines you. You don't have to mention a partner or make your life about that. It doesn't have to be that way, okay?

And then there's those parts of the song that go,

I may be wrong, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it,

No chart-bound song, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it,

No sing along, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it

I'll pay for it

Which can be read and felt in a number of ways which all mean so much to me ... There's their own lives in it, where they've always done things their way, where people may tell them to not do things that way, and where it might not work out - I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it. Theres our lives, where we equally all make our decisions, try to just live our own ways to the best of our abilities and where we make mistakes - I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it.

And then, thirdly, to me, there's the feeling to it where they've got our backs. No chart-bound song, no sing along, that can be about an album not becoming the success it was hoped to be, but if you just look at No sing along, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it, to me there's also an aspect of not wishing it upon another - instead carrying it for you, don't sing along. (This feeling feels further supported by the ending of the song, how 'bout a drink, I'll pay for it, it's been too long, I'll pay for it, which to me reads as paying for that drink for your friend so no one has to go through it alone nor without support.)

I'll look uncool, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it

I'll look the fool, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it

I'll look too schooled, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it

I'll pay for it

The price of authenticity, the price of following your heart and your beliefs. And we all felt that.

As you can tell, this is one really really special song. It had so many of us in tears. We all spoke about it for weeks, I'm still talking about it. It's kind of like Sparks' life concepts we all already understood, that drew us here in the first place, got beautifully distilled into a song. (So much of this recent album has that quality, and it was felt all throughout the entire tour too.)

Every night Russell gave the song a slightly different introduction that hit people right in their heart. There's a quality to it performed live that makes it hit even harder than on the album. I recorded it at every show I've seen. Here's two of them:

... it especially hits hard when you're near the front, looking at these guys with your big eyes, locking eyes for a second and you know they know. (I also did a quick shot of Ron's Jordans here, seeing him wear them was always a dream of mine and here I was, stood right in front of him seeing him wear Jordans.)

[jmdbjk]

FACE

I love the way that Jimin is treating this just like a regular comeback, giving us a comeback map and image teasers. That makes me so happy. HE KNOWS WHAT WE WANT!!

The fansign call is such a typical Kpop promotional event. Not the call itself but the idea of the one-on-one interaction they used to do during fansign events. I think he is trying to make up for all those things that got taken away since 2019. They used to be able to do fansigns in person but that ended a long time ago, so I think it’s very personal to him and sentimental of him to do that sort of thing again. Also, it will be another thing that falls in line with the album theme as it will be FACE to FACE with Jimin.

There will be 70 winners (nod to the 7). Good luck to all of those who entered the raffle for that. I hope we get to hear about the winner's experiences meeting Jimin in person!

I am thrilled that we will get two music videos and I’m hoping maybe as soon as this weekend we will get another TikTok of maybe Lie...Serendipity... Filter... oh my God, what if???

I can't say much about Promise becoming an official release because I might start crying. Seems extreme but it makes my heart swell with so much pride for him. I know that song means so much to Jimin. Even Hobi knew how much that song meant to him and gave him a real CD of it in a case with a photo book.

I can't wait to see everyone unraveling all the symbolism, mysterious hidden themes and number puzzles he will have embedded in every part of his FACE. I also can't wait to hear him talk about it all with us. PLEASE UNIVERSE GIVE US JIMIN ON SUCHWITA!!

When I say hidden themes... supposedly on March 24, the moon phase will be waxing crescent...

This is gonna be a wild ride and we've been waiting so long for you, Jimin.

[the-phantom-author]

it’ll take me a while to fully digest TTPD because it’s a LOT (probably my favorite album of hers, besting reputation which says a lot because that’s always been my number one) but just a few things about popstar!gf right now.

this was an excruciatingly honest look into her brain and it seems like a lot of people can’t handle it. they think it’s too much and the general public isn’t going to really look into what her lyrics mean. it was really brave of her to put this out into the world while being at some of her lowest times and now at her highest with hasan. this album is for people who want to understand her. her true fans and a good chunk of hasanabi heads are with her and supportive.

she’s feeling really vulnerable. she had let hasan hear a few songs before it’s official release but she wanted him to experience it altogether. so when it’s officially out, they’re laying on his couch alone in the house. just the album on, for two hours they lay together and listen. hasan is immediately overwhelmed because 1. he’s proud to be with someone who is so intelligent and turns her own life and struggles into something beautiful and poetic 2. he knew a lot about the bad times she was having and continued to have while they were just friends but he didn’t really understand. listening took his understanding of her to a whole new level. 3. he’s heartbroken that any person would treat her the way she’s been treated but also has to appreciate how strong she is and she’s on the other side of that now. he assures her he hopes to never ever treat her like that. he is careful with his words, avoids saying “i’ll never” or “i’ll always” because that might feel a bit scary and like an empty promise but he’s there for her.

she’s really in her own head the next few days, just writing a lot in her journal. she’s also been on twitter which is NEVER a good thing. she knows how great the album is going, her team has been keeping her in the loop, she’s breaking records. but actual people? her seeing their own opinions and people’s think pieces, a lot of it being negative, hits her in a certain way. she tries to not focus on the negative but it’s like a little nagging feeling she can’t shake off. it’s starting to eat at her. her journal entries are going to become a bit sadder and also more idgaf what anyone thinks, i’m damn proud of this album. if people think im on the news so much, if im doing too much, fine. you won’t see me.

but the positive right now is that all of her friends and family and all of hasan’s are super proud of her and think she’s done something truly incredible. although hasan tries to get her to go on fear& she won’t, but she’s appreciative of hearing from will and qt and austin and more that they think she’s an insanely talented artist.

she’s just kind of in a weird place. she has a tour planned but of the public opinion of her is going down quickly… she’s afraid she might just cancel the whole thing. she cancels interviews and appearances. she just needs some time to be with herself and hasan, friends and family. away from the public eye. maybe she will return soon. but maybe the public will continue to come crashing down on her and force her into living completely out of view.

The way it'll take me like a month to listen through the album. But I definitely say that it's going to up in my favorites, folklore is one hell of an album.

Not only does the general public think it's too much, it's too honest, it's too intimate, it's too long, it's simply too much. They also don't like how big of a change it it from what they know of her. She is a pop princess, Red and Guts have firmly put her in that position. However TTPD, is such a departure from her previous albums that a lot of people who aren't her fans don't like. Heaven forbid a female singer have a diverse sound. And some of her "fans" only like the pop music she makes and then not getting any of it, makes them very upset.

But as you where saying, it's a very vulnerable album, and she knows it. I can see them on the couch, or even the bed, she's resting her head on his shoulder, his arm over her, as she fiddles with his rings. While they listen to it together.

This is the start of Hasan's adventures into figuring out the delicate balance of giving her all the reassurance that she needs (which is a lot), but not saying the wrong things (which is basically anything to do with the words "forever, never, and I promise).

Hasan is always on a process of gaining respect for her. He has always had a great deal of it, but the more he knows about her the more his respect grows. Like yours so talented and smart, and capable, but no one should be treated the way.

I can imagine after getting done listening to it neither really know what to say, she wants to make sure that Hasan gets the chance to take it on without her influencing his opinion in any way. And he was to make sure she knows how much he's not going to pick up their relationship, but can't quite get the wording right. He just holds her tighter.

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

Idk why it just hit me how huge Jungkook is. I watched the airport live from dispatch and the yelling and chanting of his name was intense... is it weird for me to worry slightly about bts? Like obviously bts and all members are huge! They're A list celebrities, but seeing the vast difference today between how media and fans are treating JK vs Jimin makes me a bit concerned. Like will there be a more JK focus even with group activities and photoshoots? If there is, then I can't then I kinda worry how the rest of the guys might feel

What's your opinion?

I watched this one minute Dispatch video and I didn't get the same impression as you at all. It was hard to pick out what fans were yelling but mostly it was just screaming (ie. "Aaaaah") and not actual names. I think I heard Jungkook's name maybe slightly more than Jimin's but it wasn't very noticeable. The video I saw was also shot by someone who was closer to Jungkook than Jimin, so I think it's natural that the fans yelled out more the name of the member who was passing them by. Plus, Jungkook's just released an album and finished extensive US promo, so, from the journalists' perspective, I'd understand being more interested in Jungkook - but I didn't notice this either. Overall though, I didn't notice any differences in treatment, and what little I noticed can be explained by circumstances. What video(s) did you watch?

Imo Hybe is definitely not going to focus more on JK in ot7 content and the media, at least Kmedia, won't either. As for the members, do you not know them?! They don't care if Jungkook becomes so much more famous than them that he's all anyone ever talks about. They'll just be proud of him, like they've always been. BTS aren't jealous of each other. They love each other selflessly and are way too mature and famous to think that more fame is anything to be jealous of.

Edit: I saw a couple more videos, and I did notice Jungkook's name being called out more, but he also interacted more with fans (he bowed and waved more often and even turned back one last time to bow for the fans - and each time he greeted them the fans called out his name), and, like I said, he was closest to where the cameras were. I also watched a Jimin fan account video and that person was filming Jikook from Jimin's side and other fans were calling out Jimin's name more (maybe because they were all Jimin biased and/or because he was closest to them).

[callmeblake]

Transcription of Frank’s article in kerrang #1773 from May, 2019

from mixtapes and regrets.com

Frank Iero

There is no resolution. There is no meaning. There are no neat bows tying up errant strands or loose ends. Because real life rarely pans out how it does in movies.

Sometimes, all that’s left is a festering pit of anxiety in the stomach – gurgling, acidic and debilitating. Because if you’re brave enough to question the apparent entropy of the universe, be prepared to end up with anything but satisfactory answers. That’s where Frank Iero finds himself in 2019, still recovering from the fallout of the day that changed his life forever.

“Thanks for not making me cry and not treating this like a fucking Oprah [Winfrey] interview,” he says, gently chuckling as we get into the heart of a lengthy, often heavy and sprawling conversation. It’s the kind of laugh that belies a very real gratitude, or perhaps relief, at not being forced to yet again retell and relive the garish details and still-raw horrors of the road accident that he and his touring party were lucky to survive in Sydney, Australia on October 13, 2016. Two and a half years on from that brush with mortality, his physical convalescence may be complete, but the psychological and emotional scars endure.

“I think about it every day,” Frank confesses. “I still have nightmares about it. That moment, I will never forget – it’s still there. It’s not like an experience that shall-not-be-named, nor do I have to shy away from it, but there are certain elements of that day that I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay with. I just have to accept it and move on, but it’s like nothing’s been settled. That’s a horrific feeling.”

It’s a chilling insight into Frank’s state of mind as the release of his new album edges closer at the end of this month. Barriers will be his debut release on UNFD, and it’s also his first with new band The Future Violents, which sees him once again joined by long-time collaborator, fellow survivor and brother-in-law Evan Nestor on guitar, alongside former Murder By Death bassist Matt Armstrong, multi-instrumentalist Kayleigh Goldsworthy from Dave Hause And The Mermaid, and Thursday’s Tucker Rule on drums. On an album full of firsts, though, chief among them is that this is the first one written since that life-changing event. Understandably, there’s a lot of pain sewn into the seams of the songs – the kind a psychologist could have a field day pulling apart and analysing. Ask the man himself what he thinks a professional might make of the lyrics on Barriers, however, and he’s got little but exasperation left in the tank. At least, right now.

“I’m fucked if I know,” Frank shrugs, with a typically stoic, good-natured smile. “Every psychologist I go to, I don’t have a good relationship with them. We don’t get along, it’s weird. I remember as a teenager going to see a psychologist for the first time ever and he told me that I should think about doing acid. So I was like, ‘Well, I guess I have to, it’s doctor’s orders,’ but that’s probably not the best advice. It opens doors, but I don’t know if that’s the advice that I would give to my kids.

“Maybe I just haven’t found the right therapist yet,” he concedes, “but I seem to end up finding people who rub me up the wrong way and give me advice that I disagree with. As if I know better…”

Maybe in this instance, Frank Iero does know best. It’s clear from talking to him alone that he is still very much in the grip of the trauma that naturally comes as a result of a near-death experience, and he readily admits that is indeed the case. But it’s one thing knowing the theory and received wisdom of how to deal with such trauma, and yet another entirely being the person who is left to pick up the pieces in the aftermath; to put that theory into practice every day. It has, understandably, changed his whole outlook on the world.

“I know this probably stems from what I experienced, but I started thinking about how violent, and sudden, and abrupt life can be,” he explains. “Elements of this world, they aren’t always the prettiest things, and they’re not always the things that we expect. Living violently, for me, means to be active in living; it’s the action of causing a ripple in a stream. To live passively, to just be a passenger, to be someone who’s just kind of observing is a very… When I think about the world being the same place it was before and after me, that feels like a sad existence. I feel like there needs to be a change caused by every life, and change is inherently violent. So when I named the band, I thought of not just the people involved in making the music, but the people who are involved in listening to it and being affected by it as these elements or conduits for change – the ripple…”

Frank talks about the ripple effect a lot now. In that respect, Barriers is something of a first creative wave on his part – the thinking being that its very existence might encourage and inspire change elsewhere, in ways which are as yet unforeseen, even to him. That comes with a lot of pressure, self-imposed or otherwise. Not that he felt that he had any choice in the matter, regardless.

“I knew what I wanted to talk about on Barriers, I just didn’t know how to say it at first,” Frank admits of the imposing challenge he faced going into the album in earnest last March. “I felt like the things that I needed to get out on this record were so enormous that every time I wrote something down, I was like, ‘That’s just not good enough, it doesn’t cut through to the heart of it.’ Sometimes you try to be too clever and it ends up blurring the magnitude of what’s being said. So it took a while. And I’m glad that it did. There are songs on this record that I’ve wanted to write for years and years and years.”

Frank Iero has been ruminating on a theory of late. It’s one that’s as disconcerting as it is complicated, but in the aftermath of the confusion and existential reflection caused by surviving a near-death experience, he’s often wondered if he’s really here at all. Imagine for a second – as he finds himself doing a lot these days – that he didn’t actually make it that day. Or perhaps that he was supposed to meet his end in the accident, and yet he somehow avoided that fate – that he’s cheated death, Final Destination-style. It sounds like classic survivor’s guilt – when a person who has experienced something tragic or catastrophic subsequently feels so unworthy that they believe they should no longer be alive – although he insists it’s something much more than that. These are the kinds of complex questions currently swirling around inside Frank’s head – an illustrative example of just how profound an effect the events of October 13, 2016 have had on him.

“There are a lot of elements of it that are really fucking weird,” he gasps, holding his hands up as if acutely aware of how ‘out there’ he sounds as he tries to explain his frame of mind. “You start to feel almost like, ‘What if that was your path and you were cheated out of it?’ And yeah, you’re happy to be alive, but at the same time this trajectory that you could have possibly been on, maybe that was your time? So, why are you here? Is there something you’re supposed to do? What if you’re not supposed to be here, and you’re just fucking everything up?”

He takes the edge off the weight of that grim thought by adding in a touch of gallows humour – something he does a lot nowadays – by suggesting that maybe it’s his fault the current president is such an abject failure, as if somehow his own survival that day has had the knock-on, chaos theory-like butterfly effect of creating that disastrous ripple in the wider scheme of things.

“I don’t know if it gets any easier with time,” he frowns, considering the possibility that this eternal questioning of everything may be his reality now. “This [event] has absolutely, 100 per cent changed my life. When you watch movies and people have these kinds of experiences, they’re usually like, ‘Oh, but now I feel great about it, because I could have died and everything’s awesome.’ I mean, I’d like to think that. So you’re left wondering, ‘Why don’t I feel like that?’”

It doesn’t help that he’s since had to return to Australia for a doctor’s appointment, bringing the ordeal back to the forefront of his mind – a “really fucked-up experience” which resulted in a week-long panic attack from the moment he stepped off the plane. But while he says that everyone involved in the crash is doing much better now and they chat about it occasionally, they all have days where it’s still as frightening as it is difficult. It’s a struggle captured ultra-poignantly on the song Six Feet Down Under. ‘There’s a part of me that’s not sure if I’m here / Yeah, there’s a definite part of me that don’t believe in the now / And that’s just the start of it, ‘cause I ain’t convinced you’re all real’ Frank sings, laying out the full extent to which he is wrestling with the weight of what’s happened to him and trying to make some sense of why.

“Not to get all weird and metaphysical,” he begins by way of a jocular disclaimer, before indulging those very tendencies, “but like, is it possible that there’s these crossroads or branch-off moments where things could have gone one of two ways? And maybe there are different planes of existence where we didn’t make it. And this one where we did. And am I currently living in that one? I don’t know. Even in my therapy sessions, no-one can really answer all the questions that I have. Did I actually come out the other end? Am I still alive? Or is this all just a weird figment of my imagination? No-one can truthfully answer that question, or tell you that this is real.”

It puts into stark focus the scale of the task Frank Iero faced in writing Barriers. It makes you wonder how he managed to get through it at all, when his mind was plagued with demons and dilemmas much bigger than the average human being ever faces, let alone an artist trying to express such thoughts and feelings creatively.

“I came to a resignation,” he explains of the process of rebuilding himself from those depths. “Whether I believe it or I don’t, or I question it or not, I’m here, and I have to live in the world that I perceive to be the real world. You can’t just be like, ‘Oh well, this isn’t real. So, I’m gonna just start fucking going off, snorting rails and betting the house, because it doesn’t matter.’

“You have to accept this life and I’m thankful for this life, because I have my wife and my kids and my family,” he continues, gripping on to the only tangible sources of comfort and reassurance he can muster. “I’m making music that I really enjoy and I’m very lucky. If this is a figment of my imagination and I wake up at some point, I’m going to be so bummed.  I listen to this record and I go, ‘Wow!’ but I think, ‘Well, this is the kind of record I could only make if I was actually dead and I did it all in my imagination!’ That’s where I’m at right now.”

Admittedly, where Frank Iero is at right now seems like a place of tremendous pain and darkness, but in the process of rebirth and finding himself again via Barriers, he’s happened upon a path that may yet be marked ‘enlightenment’, ‘peace’ or at the very least offer some form of contentment.

Incredible as it is to think, given all that has come before, this is the most personal set of songs that Frank Iero has ever been involved in. It will also, he claims, be his last album. But then again, he says that every time he makes a new one. This time, however, he has good reason to believe in his own fatalism, given the close-call nature of the cards life has dealt him in recent years. It’s why a record he believed would be his last one needed to be filled with firsts. After all, if there’s a possibility that you’re not going to ever get to do this again, why not give it everything you’ve got left, right? That’s why he’s stepped outside of his comfort zones in ways he could scarcely have imagined before now. That’s why his face appears on the cover artwork for the first time ever. That’s why a lot of the stuff that’s made the final cut are actually first takes (“Shit’s unforgiving, so you better be on”). That’s why Frank has written in a much more direct and personal way than he has ever done. And it scares the crap out of him.

“There are a lot of things on this album that, oh man, they just freak the fuck out of me,” he admits with a nervous grin, bearing in mind the imminent prospect of sending it out into the wider world. “On the first record [2014’s frnkiero andthe cellabration’s Stomachaches] I feel like you can hear a lot of me trying to hide behind stuff. I don’t fault myself for that, because it was right for that time, plus I don’t think I really knew that the record was ever going to come out. I made it to put in my drawer and maybe play it for my kids one day. I swear I never expected to be doing this. You can probably listen to that record and tell, ‘This person doesn’t think anyone’s going to hear this music!’

“This time, there’s stuff about my relationship with my parents, and my mom especially,” he says of this new, open and more transparent version of himself. “That stuff’s been touched on before, but this was a pretty raw time to do it. Each song is about a moment in time, where there was either a wall being built up or broken down.”

Hence the record’s titular thread and theme. It’s a sentiment echoed in the words of the artwork’s inscription, too. For that, Frank enlisted his father’s handwriting. It reads: ‘Everything from nothing, with nothing to prove, destroy the walls they built around your heart, keep the faith’ underneath the ever-significant and recurring digits 1-3-1.

“They’re an important grouping of numbers for me – one and one being my wife and I, and the three in the middle being my kids. But also, when I first started playing guitar, my friend John had this Telecaster that he had 13 inscribed on, which he gave to me and I used it a lot. So when I made my own guitar, the Phant-o-matic, I put a 13 on it and then when My Chem ended I started this new chapter, so I reversed the numbers to 31. It’s also my birthday [October 31]. So these numbers keep coming into my life.”

The breakthrough moment apparently came with the fittingly-titled, Stax-like soul of A New Day’s Coming, which opens the record and acts as a vessel for “wiping the slate clean and starting anew”. Ironically, it’s a song that he’s been trying to nail for years – existing in nascent form first as a lullaby that he used to sing to his children, and later as a demo that he’d challenge anyone to recognise now.

“Sometimes I feel like songs are like relationships,” he begins, explaining the extended gestation period for that one. “You meet people along the way and you’re like, ‘Oh wow, this could be really great. But we’re not at the right time in our lives for each other.’ They’re all like little love affairs. New Day… is like saying, ‘Forget everything you know, let’s start from here,’ which works in your own personal life, but also in your sitting down to digest the record.

“That really captures what I’m trying to get across with the name of the record, too,” he adds. “We’re so concerned with protecting ourselves that we build up these obstacles and these barriers that we think are going to keep us safe, but they end up holding us in, stopping us from experiencing new things, and we miss out on so much. So there’s that duality to it.”

Duality is key to a lot of what Frank has committed to record on Barriers. In pouring his soul out on these songs, he’s had to expose parts of himself that even he feels uncomfortable with. It’s a cleansing of sorts; expelling all that he’s had bottled up inside and exploding into full view for the first time – a kind of recorded caterpillar metamorphosing into a butterfly.

“You have to remain hopeful, to wipe the slate clean and start anew,” he reflects on the process. “Because not every day is going to be great. Some days are gonna fucking suck, but you have to get back up, brush it off and fucking try again. You have to. Quitting is not an option. There are so many things in this world that are designed to bring us down, that’ll make us bleed and hurt. We don’t need to be an extra thing on top of it all.”

Despite all of the evidence to the contrary in the world around us, Frank can, however, see a distant silver lining in the clouds above.

“I do feel like, as far as times are concerned, it’s cyclical,” he offers by way of a hopeful parting message. “There is going to be a rain to wash this all away. Not to say that we need to take a passive backseat to it – we need to be violent and active in doing things to create that change – but we can’t just say, ‘Oh, everything’s fucked, it’s over. Burn it down.’ We have to turn the hose on and wash the scum off the streets.”

And that lack of resolution gnawing at the back of his mind all this time? All part of life’s great mystery. That’s as much as he’s got for now, and maybe that’s just fine.

“Sometimes you just end up with more questions in life,” Frank admits, wryly. “I like that dialogue of ‘what if?’ That search is not about finding answers. That searching and asking those questions? That’s the growth. It’s like life – we don’t know why we’re here, but all we can do is keep asking questions…”

(See my posts about his article, including the posters, here)

[khodorkovskaya]

Omggg no way why dont you like her anymore??? (Genuinly curious in case I've missed something about her👀)

oh it's just personal. like i don't want to get into the whole debate of "are artists responsible for how and by whom their art is consumed" but like i listened to lana/lizzy grant a loooot when i was a teen and it lowkey groomed me.

i heard born to die for the first time when i was 16 while tripping on lsd lol. and it made me cry. and then i was like omg i have to listen to her other stuff. but i ended up not liking her officially released stuff that much, but i vibed more with her lizzy grant era.

and i remember just watching those youtube edits of like american beauty or black swan to her music for hourssss. and then that got me into the mindset of like "oooo im a barely legal babygirl, im gonna go seduce old men heheheheh". and then i ended up on the sugaring side of tumblr, and then i signed up for seeking arrangement, and then one thing led to another and i was suddenly at a hotel room in germany with a 50 yr old man yikes. (long story short, he had erectile dysfunction so he couldn't do anything to me. and after that i really got into orthodoxy cos like felt like god literally saved me from being rworded. and thats also why i stayed with my ex for so long bc i was like this is a gift from god, a man who treats me "well" is a one in a billion chance!)

but yeah anyway, lana just really brings back weird memories of how i used to think and see the world at the time. like the whole "you know i can't do it on my own, you can be my daddy, come on you know you like little girls" thing and the "hey lolita hey" thing and the "you rich and im wishing um you could be my mister yum" did so much damage to my underage brain.

ive heard that her new album is really good but ive been avoiding it like the plague. and maybe im missing out and maybe i'll listen to it some time, but for now memories of my past relationship are still too fresh.

[sehunlyone]

I hate to say it, because I was upset too about Sehun missing and no group performances at SM Town, but maybe SM was right to it with the way kexols treated Chen during his solo song. I have yet to read anything from a kexol that justified that treatment. They love problematic non Koreans who did worse, yet punish this man for having a family. It doesn't make sense and it will never make sense. The ones that seem to have an issue are kexols (and possibly SM), while EXO themselves and other fans are fine. All kexols have shown me is that they don't care at all about the health and well being of EXO. Having a family or healthy romantic relationships shouldn't be career ending and it's ridiculous that these so called fans are really out here bullying idols for it.

EXO all seems to be emphasizing again no new group album until they are all together. So, I also have a feeling SM might be pushing for an EXO album without Chen and EXO is pushing back and maybe deciding they won't put out another album until they are all together again. Like, they could do another special album with no full promotions or some new subgroups stuff in addition to their solo stuff (which they all seem to be flourishing at), but nothing big and large scale until everyone has completed their military duty.

Hi anon! Regarding Sehun not being part of SMtown - unless Sehun had a schedule today that we don't know of or he has some health problems atm, I don't see a reason why SM could not include him in the line up. He does have a solo song and if not a song at least he could have had a dance stage or be part of another performance. It's not the first time SM mistreats him and he even apologized on bubble for not being part of the concert :(

But yes, I agree with you regarding the way kfans treat Chen. It's absolutely baffling to me how grown-up fans can behave in such a childish way. The most confusing thing is that they think it's fine for them to have a personal life - date, get married, have children - but if lo and behold an EXO member wants to have a partner and start a family they go on a rampage, like make it make sense??? It's not like they ever had a chance with him anyway but they keep being delusional and punish him for living his life in the way that he chooses to. I guess they want to keep other members from doing the same by behaving the way they do but that's just pathetic. There is absolutely no justification for their behaviour. Of couse, we can't say all kfans are like that but we have mostly seen them do it. I am just happy that the vast majority of ifans are chill and happy for him and still support and loudly cheer for him and also will for other memebers if one day they choose to settle down too. We can only hope that a shift in korean fandom culture will come with more and more idols coming forward in terms of getting married and having children but who knows how long that'll take...

I never thought about the possibility that SM might be pushing for an EXO comeback without Chen due to his "situation"... but who knows. Still, I do hope that they release some kind of album(s) before every member has completed their military service because if not that would mean no album for another 3 years and that would be so sad ;n; they released Obsession and Don't fight the feeling with members missing so I think releasing albums without every member present is highly probable for the time being, even if it's "just" mini-albums. I'm sure sub-unit stuff will also be released as soon as Baekhyun and Chanyeol are back from the military! As for solo stuff, they do a lot which is really nice (also considering Minseok's solo coming soon!). I am happy about any kind of music they release and seeing them together on stage like today made me realize again how much I miss seeing them together ;^;

[thetaekookcloset]

this was i was talking about hybe not putting effort in their solo albums. the most basic thing they could have give hobi is a physical album with a CD.

It certainly does seem contradictory as far as the environmental stuff goes, and it's not that I don't understand your wariness, or that of anyone else for that matter.  I don't know, for me personally, it still just seems really early to feel like I have a good sense of what's going on, who is being treated how, and that sort of thing.  Maybe it was Hobi's idea not to have a physical CD, or maybe this is part of what I was talking about before in terms of there needing to be less budget delegated to each member individually than there would be for the whole group.  Maybe it's as simple as that big package/one disc per member thing being planned well before Hobi's album release was planned.

Honestly, though, if I had to guess, I would say that it's probably a budget thing.  HYBE and kpop in general use photocards and fans' desire to collect all available versions of something -- or to get the version with their bias -- in order to sell extra copies of albums.  When you've only got one artist, you don't have that same ability.  Even if they were to make different versions in order to try to get the same effect, they wouldn't be able to sell nearly as many copies.  Since not many people buy physical albums anymore except for those extra things, I imagine the return on investment for printing CDs for a solo artist would be much, much lower than it is for a group.

But again, since most people stream their music at this point, I don't see this as necessarily a bad thing for Hobi or anyone else, especially if they're then able to use that budget -- or what they get of it as individuals -- for things that could help them have a further reach, get more airtime, make high quality videos, etc.

The same strategies and plans don't necessarily work the same way for everyone, I guess is what I'm saying.  There are going to be differences between how soloists are handled versus groups, or one group versus another, or BTS members versus members of other groups.  So while I take your point, and like I said, I totally understand being wary and it makes sense to use a critical eye, for me, I just feel like I need to see more to really know how I'll feel about how HYBE is handling the members' solo ventures.  And like I said before, it just makes sense to me that they would want the members to succeed: the more of them do well, the more profitable it will be for HYBE.

[zofja-qualifiedantholic]

HANA Doll track project archive 1-11 IDOLls translation

The translation is very rough!!! More info here also (?) before dot means I'm really not sure if the sentence is correct and (?) after dot means I couldn't translate some part I tried to erase all my idiotic comments hope this tl helps!! ps idiot and ? are the same person i just changed it while translating

Mahiro: What, PLANTs? Oh, It's about time. Thank you for letting me know. Maybe I tell you, to be more specific. Hey, PLANTs. HANA Doll project is full of great people, why do I want to be a center?(???) Little by little, I've been able to work as an idol. Making songs for event(?) with our fans is great. I was allowed to plan this(??). I have a lot of fun every day. For real. But Lii-san is the best at singing, right? Haru is the best at dancing. Chise come up with very fashionable ideas. Kaoru has interesting variety of talk, it surprised me. Ryo-san puts us together. But, I'm not that good. Even my flower hasn't bloomed yet. Nevertheless... Sorry, sorry. I got it. It's the end of whining. It's an important event with fans today. I have to smile.

-------

Kaoru: (?). I'm getting nervous.

Mahiro: By the way, Kaoru. You say hello in front of reporters during the event today.

Kaoru: Yes. I am told to report that the flower bloomed.

Haruta: I see.

Ryoga: I'm also told to come forward. Lihito too, you know.

Kaoru: It's encouraging we go together.

Chise: You three have it nice. When their flowers are in bloom, they are treated specially and I envy them. I also have a lot to say.

Lihito: If you practice receiving and answering from now on so as not to be ashamed.

Chise: Ok, let's do it together. The interview(?).

Lihito: Ha

Mahiro: I want to do it too.

Lihito: Why do you-

Mahiro: Lii-san, please.

Lihito: ...Understood. I wonder if I should do it.(?)

Chise: Yes!!! It's a promise, Litto.

Ryoga: Anyway, Let's hope the three of us will survive today(?)

Kaoru: Right... Haruta, you ok?

Haruta: Eh, why?

Kaoru: You've been quiet for a while and you look pale.

Chise: There's no announcment(you don't have to say anything?????) so don't be nervous(?).

Haruta: It's not the tension.

Chise: Eh, It's a lie.

Ryoga: Oi, Chise, stop.

Lihito: If I read the air right right now, you're being insensitive (?).

Chise: I see. I'm really sorry, Hari.

Lihito: That the good one(??).

Haruta: I'm not nervous.

Lihito: I think it's better not to be nervous. You guys don't have as much experience as talent(?).

Mahiro: We don't have many chances to show the songs and dances directly.

Ryoga: I'm fidgeting a little too.

Kaoru: I'm a little more worried about performance than greetings.

Chise: That's right, I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not nervous.

Ryoga: Everyone, everyone, don't do that Chise.

Mahiro: But Haru, you're certainly a little pale, are you ok?

Haruta: I'm fine.

Chise(?): You don't have to think about what you want to say(?). That's strange, Hari.

Mahiro: Because he is a strong type. It will be okay. PLANTs watch after Haruta.

Kaoru: Let's do our best together, Haruta.

------

[They do be singing]

[Fans surely are enjoing]

Some host: Thank you Anthos, for this splendid performance.

Mahiro(?): It's great. I don't want the light to fade.

Ryoga: Hiro... Oi, Mahiro.

Mahiro: yh Oh, Ryo-san.

Ryoga: Are you okay?

Mahiro: Uhm.

Kaoru: The applause doesn't stop.

Haruta: We did for the first time.

Lihito: It's not vague(?).

Mahiro: I-

Ryoga: Come on, Hiro.

Kaoru: Mahiro.

Mahiro: Thank you for coming to the Anthos' album release event today. We're really thankful.

Host: That's it. Let's begin the interview(?). Go to the back stage, please (?).

[They go]

Host: They will talk to you now. If you have any questions, please raise your hand. The one with black jacet(?).

?[same voice as the phone call hm]: I would like to ask which members' flower bloomed?

Ryoga: That's me. Kagekawa Ryoga. Toudo Lihito and Kisaragi Kaoru.

?: Well, who was the first?(?) It seems that all the members live in the dormitory. How does it usually look like(?)?

Ryoga: Anthos is pre-debiut class. The freshest in the Amagiri Productions. So certainly we're focusing on training...

?: Eh. Not that. Idols participating in the HANA Doll project embed special flower seeds in their bodies. It is said that artificial treatment is applied to maximize the potential.

Ryoga: That's right.

?:By doing that they sell young boys as idols(?). What do you think about that?

Haruta: Why are you asking that?

Kaoru: Somehow it looks strange.

?:Isn't there a person from overseas?/Does it matter?(?????)

Host: Ah eh- I'm sorry but-

?: Well, Yuki Mahiro-san. What about you? Today's material says you're center.

Ryoga: Hiro, the answer is okay(?).

Host: Please hold on(?)...

Kaoru: They're yelling at me, right(?)?

Lihito: Is it important to look?

Chise(?): I see.

Ryoga: That's right. If you didn't get on the affiliation before the question. (LIKE WHAT IDK)

Hostmaybe: Anthos, I'm sorry. (?)

Ryoga: Understood.

Haruta: Chise-nii what are you doing? Let's go.

Chise: ah uhm

?: Wait. Please don't leave/answer(???) Hey! Yukki-san!

Haruta: That guy is persistent.

Kaoru: Don't worry about it, Mahiro

Ryoga: Hey Hiro, ignore it.

?: Yukki Mahiro-san. Are you the son of the Amagiri Productions' founder?

Haruta: It's nothing(?).

?: Amagiri Mahiro-san. What do you think of your father?

Ryoga: Hiro... Amagiri Hajime's-

Haruta: I don't know what it means. Let's go(?) Hiro-nii. Hiro-nii... No way, seariously.

Idiot: Can't you hear me? What do you think about HANA Doll project? I'm asking if you participated(???).

Lihito: Today, we Anthos took the stage as part of the album release activity. There is no obligation to answer the current question. This is his personal matter(?). If you make more noise, it will be a great disadvantage for you.

Idiot: You're acting like kids(??).

Lihito: Thank you for your cooperation. Fortunately, the camera seems to be spinning, so Amagiri Productions is likely to be here to sue you.

Idiot: I'm not good at this and get on with it.(??) (You're not going to get away with this??? Maybe)

Lihito: I said it's not our job anymore

Kaoru: Mahiro, come on, let's go.

Idiot: It's not a (?) It's a monter!

*LOT OF PROPABLY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS I CAN'T TRANSLATE AAAAAAAAA*

[oneuldo]

Life Lately — Entry # 02

06월 06일 2023년

This week, dad and I are alone at home. Mom went to Japan and will be staying there for a week. Jan is at Boracay with Pau, babysitting. I’m doing my best to do house chores while getting my stuff organized.

These days I am trying to be productive by:

Cleaning up my socials. I set up my Letterboxd account! I also made a new YouTube channel because I felt like separating my fangirling account will make my life seem like it’s organized. I also cleaned up my Twitter accounts.

Applying to jobs. I’ve been applying to jobs since last year but I didn’t took it way too seriously. Now that I’m desperate for money, I’m taking it seriously by answering calls and attending those damned interviews. I really suck at interviews. I stutter a lot and I couldn’t make a cohesive sentence. Maybe it’s one of the reasons why I couldn’t get a job offer. Oh, I have a scheduled interview this Thursday at Makati near my old office. It’s an 8am-5pm job and I’m not sure if I’m ready to commute. I hope there’s a job opportunity where I could work from home.

Listening to kpop boy group discographies! These days I’m into EXO, BTOB, and Seventeen! I’m kinda giddy that I’m discovering these groups like I’m in my teens again. I can’t believe I only liked one boy group since 2007 and that’s Bigbang. There’s news that TOP is no longer with YG and Bigbang. GD’s contract ended, too. Well, Still Life felt like it was a really good bye but I was hoping it was a See You Again type of song. Anyway! I’m listening to all of these boy groups’ albums from their first album release up to present. I want to sincerely enjoy their music. I have been following EXO since 2020 but I haven’t had the chance to discover their old songs so I couldn’t say that I’m a solid fan yet. As for BTOB, I’ve known them because of Sung-Jae BUT it’s just this year that I wanted to dive into their fandom because of Chang-Sub. I would say he’s my bias. I discovered him thru his Youtube segment Jeongwaja in ootb studio’s YouTube channel (I’ve watched all of his videos! This week, he’ll go back to the military as a promise for reaching 500k subscribers haha!) As for Seventeen, I’ve been seeing this member on Twitter and he’s just handsome af haha! His name’s Wonwoo! Although I hate getting into boy groups with more than 10 members (my memory is frail plus I can’t remember who’s singing), this group may be an exception. Their albums and songs are all a bop (although most of it were kinda sound the same). I really liked it!

Here’s a song I recently discovered that I like:

Chanyeol launched his personal YouTube channel! He talked about the meaning behind his channel name and how he got it (thanks to Zzar!). Zzar stole the show here. She knows she’s the boss haha! Hoping to get to know more of Chanyeol through his YouTube! He’s my bias (just look at that face!!!!) and seeing him with Zzar made me fall in love with him more.

I know this is a distraction from SM Ent because of the ongoing lawsuit. I hope all members of EXO leave that shitty company and just make their own company. I’ll support them no matter what happens!

Photo credit of Chanyeol’s drawing

Anyway! I typed a lot which is new. Maybe because no one’s going to read about this? And I didn’t care about whether my sentences made sense or not. I just wanted to post something.

It’s currently 11:30pm and I wake up at 6am to drink meds. Oh, I finally finished all those big pills for treating TB today. I was taking 1200mg of meds in the past two months. I can finally say good bye to those big pills. Tomorrow onwards, I’ll be taking the small pills. Hopefully, my month 2 sputum result is negative. Lately I’ve been coughing again.

Anyways. Bye for now!

[boricuacherry-blog]

I was struck by the diametrically different approaches Mitch and Janis took to their daughter. Janis, who had been a pharmacist before being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, took an almost fatalistic view that only Amy could help herself.

Janis said one of the hardest things she ever had to face was going to visit her daughter in hospital in November 2008, when she was suffering a serious lung infection, and finding Jane sitting on the other side of Amy's bed.

When Erbil, my partner, took Janis to visit Amy, staff didn't recognize her - Erbil had to tell them who she was.

Mitch admitted to the camera that Amy didn't even need to be in the hospital - so controlling was he that he'd ensured she was kept there to prevent Blake Fielder-Civil, her then husband, from coming home to her when he was released from jail.

In one interview with me, Mitch bragged that 'Janis left me to deal with it,' meaning Amy. 'She trusted me completely,' he added. He actually admitted to me that he had considered 'doing a Britney' on Amy. It was the end of 2008, months after Jamie Spears became his daughter's conservator, supposedly to protect her from predators who wanted to manipulate her out of her money. Mitch explained that he was worried Blake would burn Amy's fortune on drugs. Unfortunately for him, conservatorships don't exist under British law.

Amy knew what her father was trying to accomplish. She told me: 'He is always coming with papers for me to sign. I'm NOT signing. I know what's going on.' A couple of Mitch's proposed business partners were with us in St. Lucia, having been led to believe, by Mitch, that Amy would sign a deal. In fact, she insulted them in front of Erbil and me.

When I held a private screening for Mitch, Janis and their friends, he seemed to feel the footage of his grown-up daughter repeatedly kissing him on the lips was unremarkable. Perhaps he's right - and that such a level of intimacy is accepted in some families, but it had left me feeling uncomfortable.

There was one moment I shared with Amy which I think got closest to her true feelings. She was crying, and said to me: 'Daph, I did show them how good I am, five years ago.' She didn't think she could repeat the extraordinary success she'd had with her album Back to Black. That insecurity was something she didn't feel she could talk about with her family. It was heart breaking.

Later that night we ended up filming outside my villa. Mitch murmured, 'Maybe I am part of the problem.' Finally, he was acknowledging that his controlling nature might be contributing to Amy's troubles. 'I tend sometimes to make a situation worse,' he added. He tried to explain by imagining a situation where Amy met a stranger. He says: 'In my mind, Amy is not talking to a nice woman on the beach, she is talking to a potential drug dealer. She is not - but unfortunately that is how my mind has been working. So what I have got to do is try to retrain my mind so that when I see her talking to a perfectly normal person on the beach, that is fine, I don't need to intervene. Why shouldn't she be saying anything other than pleasantries? Sometimes I think I make the situation worse, unquestionably.'

It was clearly difficult for Mitch not to treat his daughter like the child he thought she was. Even now, he struggles to assert control over her memory.

In the decade since Amy's death, Mitch has developed a reputation for challenging anyone who has dared to question his relationship with his daughter.

It won't happen to me, because it's important that the footage I have is seen. It asks difficult questions, and considering the answers could help others who find themselves in a similar situation. Perhaps Mitch himself put it best back in 2008 when I asked him whether he thought Amy would continue with her recovery. 'We're all in recovery,' he answered. If only that had really been true, perhaps the story's ending could have been different.