#not my usual physical hurt
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Hey you should come hang out with me and by hang out with me I mean I’m gonna lay down like this and wait for you to say I have a cute butt.
#tagforhorny#realkatie#this one is different than usual cause it requires much less physical strain and my body hurts so bad#need a fucking burger to cure my ailment
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Shout out to Odile for inspiring my political major friend to draw her here's the last picture I showed him before he gave me his sketch which I interpret as the final nail in the coffin
Odile be hitting different in the friend group-
#odile#odile isat#in stars and time#isat#fanart#odile truly be hitting different#this is more my style than the other sketches but also i didn't give her a nose or lips like i might usually#so like 50/50 maybe lmao#despite that no one got giggly over odile's hurt portrait (then again- our isat group has like 3 aroaces)#just like savvy i have a version of her normally and there is another version :) (airplane)#old woman bbygurl she should be in yuri with someone#but that is between me and my friend and also an entire separate friend i show special art to#who has seen other art :) with other characters :) and xenobiology headcanons in physical form :)
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I'm not hating but I do see some confusion around Zuko's flashbacks in Zuko Alone and the flashbacks in The Search re: people going "whaaaat this family dynamic is so weird Azula is acting so weird no one actually acts like this" and like IDK HOW TO TELL YOU THIS. BUT UHM. THEY DO. if they're fucking insane. and abusive. which was kind of the whole point
like hey its GOOD. that you have never seen this kind of shit irl but. it IS kind of textbook. idk how to break this news w/out sounding like a dick sdhsdhs
#'why would a sibling or parent be so cruel for no reason what's the reason for their behavior'#THERE USUALLY IS NONE DOG 👍 if anything we get more of an explanation for Azula's behavior than people usually get irl. imo.#ask to tag#atla#does this make sense. like. IDK. I always thought the abuse subtext/text was very obvious#this is not anti-azula. love her I love fucked up girlies. dont hurt me.#but like she definitely was an emotionally abusive if not physically abusive sibling. with no little help from her father ! but. yeah.#I think the only reason this has been bugging me is because like. I know this shit happens irl. one kid will be the scapegoat and#they'll get criticized and beat on for no reason. it happened to my dad. so seeing people go 'wahhh this is#such unrealistic characterization this would never happen' is just a little weird for me I think
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btw if you know good ways to deal with an achey heart (this is not a physical condition btw I just happen to be in love for the second time in my life and it is awful) I would also appreciate practical wisdom!!!
#ladiessss this is simply.............. not it!!!!!!#i have done my bit of weeping and wailing in this vale of tears and i cannot do it any longer :))))) there is TOO much going on#for me to drown in this ish. especially since ** ***** ******* **** and **** ***** **** **#i am seeking the good of the other i am doing my best not to be self absorbed and sentimental and too transparent#however it is a hard time over here especially with everything else going on#i don't usually get so sad that my chest physically hurts but this is where we're at right now!!!#once again asking for help and prayer#it was fine (...ish) in september but i'm unfortunately down REAL bad and there is no end in sight only horrid things one after another#also i am so sorry that all i seem to post is miserable stuff whenever im here it seems like all i do is complain these days while posting#there IS so much to be grateful for and i often forget that in the wake of Tragic Things there is STILL hope and joy and goodness#the waiting room chapter
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So as yall know i started using medical cannabis a few days ago and its going so good!! Im sleeping so much better, waking up without having to groan about the pain, I even picked up my toddler without immediately feeling like I've been snapped in half or like my arms were going to snap off. Anyway the most wild difference was how much I didn't realise I expect to feel pain. I was sitting how I normally do in bed, with my knees fallen outwards (like, how you'd put em in missionary. Im probably hypermobile with how its the most natural position for me to sit). Anyway I didn't realise how much I have to hype myself up to move my leg when its been in that for a while, cos usually my hip hurts really fucking bad. But now I just keep being like okay okay okay we can fo this we can move our leg! And then i move it and there's just.... nothing. Leg move?? No pain??? No pain when move leg???
The only con really is learning how to vape cos i have such a sensitive throat and gag reflex (har har har) but i have a medical grade vape so its not tooooo bad
#ako yaps#cw: drugs#if yall are reading this and being like “but does that mean it hurts after sex?”#and to that i say#abso fucking lutely#usually my wife has to physically move me to get past what i can only describe as my joints locking up#it fucking HURTS
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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sometimes i think about that thing that’s like “the normal amount of pain is none” and like… that can’t be true. there’s no way! you’re telling me that there are people out there who aren’t in pain? i just don’t believe it
#im still in pain from working an extra 12 hours two weeks ago. my back STILL hurts!#like i know the daily pain i deal with is outside of the ‘norm’ but i truly do not believe that there are people who have zero pain all#the time. there’s literally no way#anyway that being said pretty fucked up that working a 42 hour week when i usually do 30ish has fucked me up this bad#like that’s bad! i don’t like that!#i wish i could go back to physical therapy; i wish i had had time to work on more of my issues#but i lost masshealth so i bet i would have to pay for it now if i did go back :(#ugh whatever.#chatpost
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#click for better quality whatever#im coming back to school tomorrow so technically i will have less time to draw rgg stuff so here you go for now#angst angst angst. i only half assume this level of angst. is it cringe? idk i feel like it needed to be this dark to be good#i tried to make the dialogue as close as possible as how waka actually sound. there's a lot of quotes in this.#obviously this would be an internal dialogue happening in between 2001 and 2004. taking a little bit more literally masato's suicide#i really like interpreting aoki as the physical manifestation of masato's self-hatred destructive hateful and self-harm tendencies#the culmination of all of his hurtful and toxic coping mechanisms#there's this scene at the end of the game where he seems to be about to accept ichiban's help and start to atone for his crimes#but then he hears a recording of himself - as aoki - and immediately relapses into his old ways#for me aoki is the voice inside his head driving him to paranoia and self-destruction by pushing away & hurting everyone who cares about hi#i have a pretty clear idea of who aoki was for masato. the voice of societal pressure to put it simply.#but im not sure who masato is for aoki yet... i should think about that more#still fascinating to me that both of them aren't treated as the “true self” of his character. this guy never got the chance to be himself#gotta tag this with actual tags now#codexdraws#y7 spoilers#errr do i need to put tw? just in case a mutual needs it#tw suicide implied#tw ableism#<- internalized and not blatant but still#i am NOT feeling confident about posting this i swear im usually normal and funny (or at least i try to be. very hard)#i think it's very funny of me to post my first rgg comic featuring : waka and ; waka. im a parody of myself
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It hurts again and again that the only person I can save is myself
#my closest friend just ended our friendship. I don’t know how to feel#obviously I’m sad but also not as sad as I thought? I feel like#I have matured and no longer see losing someone as the end of the world#but maybe I’m also just numb and it will kick in later#morris I loved you and still do. some things will always remind me of you#and I’m sorry it had to end this way. I’m sorry that we hurt each other.#more than anything I’m angry at all the people who hurt us before we even met#everything that made us have such a hard time trusting other people#maybe in another life we could have loved each other properly#I’m sorry again. but I also know that I don’t want to be a part of that unhealthy dynamic anymore#you taught me so much and you were the first person I’m not related to who truly felt like family#I hope you find a way to heal#I hope you keep my letters and think of me from time to time#I chopped jalapenos today and as usual forgot to wash my hands#got some in my eye and now it hurts to shed tears physically as well as emotionally#I wish that someday we could reconnect when we’ve grown more. even if it’s years or decades from now#I know it’s probably not going to happen#goodbye old friend#words words words
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So it turns out chronic pain flareups and road trips are a HORRENDOUS combination. I have just been reminded my disability is disabling by being in too much pain to drive. Fortunately my sibling took over so we're home now but I still feel like absolute hell. Also the brain fog is here. Boo.
#i hurt so bad oh my gos what the fuck#this isn't normal! even for me! why is it WORSE?!#okay maybe it's the being stuck in a car for seven hours#and before that the physical labor in extreme heat#but usually if i trigger a flareup by doing something like fieldwork it hits in hours. not the next day#does anyone with fibromyalgia know if triggering a flareup can have a delay before the pain starts?#hylian rambles#vent post#chronic pain
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absolutely hysterical to me that people like this exist. "well you're gonna buy the one you've heard of aren't you HMMMMM"
literally no! i'm not! the OPPOSITE in fact! the one i've never heard of is almost certainly cheaper, carl. also the one i've heard of is new and exciting because i've never seen it in my life so even if it's MORE expensive i'm still not buying the big brand sorry @ brands it's not happening it's not you it's me
#even monster... that's my usual energy drink purely because they have a very wide range of sugar-free varieties & i appreciate that#i have old lady teeth the full suger versions hurt me physically and emotionally#but like if i see some weird-ass import energy drink i've never seen in my LIFE you bet your ass i'm putting the monster down#shop around the corner sells one in a glass bottle with edible glitter in it that's PINK. corporate overlords could fucking never#or if whatever shop i'm in has better flavours of some other drink i'm... getting that#same flavour in 2 different brands? the cheaper one#truly WHO is out here making purchasing decisions based on 'trusted' brands (the trust being an advertising budget) in 2023
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oc sketches from yesterday!!
#my art#artists on tumblr#sketchbook#sketch#ocs#my ocs#original character#i feel like the lighting on these kinda sucks which is. kinda weird. because i fully took all of these in bright direct sunlight#like when i was taking these it kinda physically hurt to look at my sketchbook cause the white of the paper was so bright in the sun#and yet!!! for some reason they still look just. so dark to me. ig not really any more so than usual probably but idk still#alas. ig that's just sort of the inherent problem of taking pics with my normal phone camera and knowing next to nothing about photo editing
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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felt
#anyway im gonna vent real quick#it’s absolutely crazy to me how much my relapse into self harming/cutting has made my anxiety worse#bc until i was 18 whenever my mom’d find out i’d cut i’d just be punished emotionally and physically to the point i am now looking over my#shoulder constantly paranoid that i’ll be hurt somehow bc i’ve relapsed#despite now being an adult and my parents being dead#it’s crazy how i constantly feel like i’m being watched 24/7 even when i#im entirely home alone bc my privacy was invaded so severely and my every move picked apart constantly my whole childhood#i can never behave like my true genuine self bc im terrified someone will find out and ridicule me for it#it got so bad i started to have panic attacks & literal hallucinations over it when i was younger#and it’s so sad to me bc i was struggling SO horrifically w trauma and abuse as a child and i felt like self harm was the only way to cope#and yet i was never met with any understanding or help i was just told i was attention seeking/hurting everyone around me/making ppl’s lives#hell and though there’s no way anyone would find out unless i told them now and there’s no one to control me over it#i still feel like the biggest burden on earth for coping any way i can to keep myself alive#every time i’ve done something to keep myself on this earth i have been told i’m being so selfish#yet if i chose the alternative and actually killed myself it would be all ‘oh gone too soon we loved them blah blah blah’#you treated me like i was dirt that i was was desperately clawing along in an attempt to survive#it’s as if these people would rather me have died#i do not know how to heal the decades of damage this has led to. i don’t know how to move forward#all i’ve ever been good at is being a nuisance to others that they’d rather drop like hot garbage#anyway. i cut so bad last night my entire fucking upper arm burns#i haven’t done it that bad in years. i can usually stop myself after just a couple but not this time#i just feel so guilty and heavy and gross and disappointing. even tho the only ppl who know are those who i confide in#whatever#sh tw#dlt ltr
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I would be so powerful if it wasn't for the disabilities.
#melone.txt#joint tag#for context I just physically felt my ribs slide back into place and I'll admit I got a little freaked out. also my knees hurt as usual
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if anybody could like call a nuke threat to my work or something or like use a magic orb to help me out id really appreciate it good god i cant do this much longer
#its not even that im stressed out about it or depressed or existential like usual im just so physically exhausted rn#so many callouts today#ive been doing online pickup orders for 7 hours#ive been grocery shopping non stop#for Seven Hours#like yeah i had a lunch and breaks and stuff but like#ive been grocery shopping for 7 hours#uhg#1.5 hrs left#pray for me all#my feet hurt so bad#and im getting horrible cramps
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