#not tagging more ppl because i don't know who has already watched it

[ayo-edebiri]

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse + text posts

[x0x0josephinex0x0]

The Hope in the Fault Lines | Part 4

The final part....THIS HAS BEEN SO FUN. It's been a labor of love for sure, so I hope you read it and love it and reblog it and all the good things. I don’t have enough requests to have a tag list or anything so I’m relying on faith and prayers to get this in front of the ppl who liked the previous parts, so PLEASE REBLOG THIS 🥺 I’ll love you forever fr. Here are links to part 1, part 2, and part 3 if you haven't read them already! Warnings: references to child abuse (mentions of a father giving a daughter a black eye and references to a belt being used), reference to a past child custody battle, sexism, forced contact by abusive parents, drinking, grief, ptsd, some angst but just for a little, vanilla sex, oral (f receiving), I tried to leave a lot to the imagination because this was my first time writing any kind of smut, but still minors don't read or interact with it, police investigation. lmk if there's anything else! Word count: 13k (I AM SORRY I GOT CARRIED AWAY.)

Eleven months later 

Time was funny.

Together, you, Sara, and Mingyu had watched the summer fade into a hazy autumn, where the leaves faded into gold and red and orange and then fell, leaving bare branches clawing at the sky with skinny fingers. The winter had been a long one — Christmas was nearly unbearable without Jeri and Jisung to keep you company. But spring prevailed, as it always did, and now you watched as the latest of the April blossoms popped through the surface of the earth. 

It’s been almost a whole year since the accident. At the outset, your grief had been like a massive wall. It was hard to see around it, and pushing against it was useless. Now, the grief was still there, but had transformed into something more akin to a stray dog that followed you around. It was always present, but you could still move with it, and it wasn’t always unwelcome. The pain of loss had been tempered by the stretch of time, the therapy sessions faithfully attended every Tuesday morning, and the love that had grown between you and Sara. 

At a year and a half, she toddled around clumsily still, but could run and jump and talk. She was extremely independent and energetic, and sometimes when she was displeased the look on her face was so reminiscent of Jeri that it made you pause. However, where before that would’ve made you cry, today it fills you with comfort. You also, surprisingly, saw yourself in her — she was adventurous and tenacious, and didn’t like to be told she couldn’t do something. But she was also sweet, cooing over even the beetles in the grass or the spiders in the corner. The force of your love for her was both surprising and strong, because when she’d first come into your life, you had felt uncertain you’d ever get the hang of being a parent. Now, you could hardly imagine life without her. She made each day full of an infinite meaning — everything you did now was for her.

And then, there was Mingyu. The relationship between you was sweet and easy and didn’t demand anything more from you than you could handle. You had learned early on how kind Mingyu was and how easy it was to talk to him, but you had come to know him even better over the time since your illness, and you had become endeared by his pouty expression when you teased him, the clumsiness you suspected was a result of becoming very big very fast and still not knowing his own strength, and the comforting timbre of his voice, as well as so much more. Mingyu made you feel like you never had to do anything by yourself, with a talent for drawing the vulnerability out of you when you were keeping yourself from being helped. And even though he was positive and upbeat most of the time, he never expected that from you. His grace in handling your down days was enough to convince you that in any other circumstance, this man would have been your perfect match, inside and out.

But the circumstances are what they are, and so you can’t let yourself give in to what you want. It has been a long time since Mingyu has held you — since the nightmare, in fact. Which, you remind yourself forcefully, is a good thing. It was professional of you to keep that physical distance. Because, Heaven help you, you were struggling to keep any emotional distance between you. 

When Mingyu had come back to work after he’d stayed the night at your place that one fateful night, a pattern had begun. When you’d come home, Mingyu asked you about your day. You’d give him the low-down: “Emily dropped the pencil sharpener and thought I’d fire her…am I that scary?”, “we got a story with Brie Larsen,” “one of our writers is getting married in a few weeks and invited me”, and so on. Then you’d ask for his updates: “Sara ate a solid banana today,” “Bora and Morrie came over for a play date”, “I lost Sara for fifteen minutes today and found her in the massive drum of flour”. This usually kicked off an hours-long conversation full of teasing, laughter, and the occasional philosophical discussion that only ended when one of you mentioned Mingyu should go home and get some rest. The past eleven months of this behavior had only made you more and more drawn to Mingyu; it was how you learned he learned to cook from helping his mother in the kitchen, and that he also had a little sister whom he loved dearly, and about the friends from college he still saw frequently, all of whom he seemed to only have positive feelings for. You had started to wonder if there was a person he didn’t like. And all of this added up to you being absolutely smitten with him.

But you also keenly felt the guilt of having a crush on your nanny. After all, it felt like such a midlife-crisis move to pull. You tried to comfort yourself in the truth that Mingyu was usually the instigator whenever the both of you rocketed over those carefully drawn lines in the proverbial sand, but you knew it was also partially your responsibility, because you never talked to him about maintaining a more professional distance. The fact was, you didn’t want any more distance at all between you and Mingyu, but you understood how complicated it might be if someone who essentially made sure he could pay his bills confessed romantic feelings for him. Not that you’d ever take advantage of him, but it also felt unfair to put him in a situation where he had to trust you on that.

So you stayed as you were — for eleven months that had proven to put you through every emotion on the spectrum. You laughed at Mingyu, you competed against Mingyu, you wondered about Mingyu, you worried about Mingyu. 

But most of all, you yearned for Mingyu.

You try not to let it show as you watch Sara play with her dolls in the living room, supplemented by the dollhouse Mingyu spent a whole day building for her. “Tomorrow’s the big day!” he says. “Are you excited?”

“I am,” you hedge, half-listening as Sara clumsily tucks a doll into its bed and says goodnight. “A little nervous, too.”

“Why are you nervous?” he asks. “You’ve practiced a lot. I almost have your speech memorized by now.”

You laugh. “It’s normal to be nervous, even when you’re prepared.”

He watches you carefully, noting how after a few moments of silence your eyes slip out of focus, miles away. After eleven months, Mingyu has learned that when you get like this, you are reliving a vivid memory inside your mind. The more this happens, the worse your dreams are later. So, after catching Sara before she whacks her head on the coffee table, he puts his hand on your knee so your mind connects to your body again. “Where were you this time?” he asks, releasing a squirming Sara to the floor, his gaze between you and her.

“My sister pep talking me before my valedictorian speech,” you say in a tiny voice.

“I didn’t know you were valedictorian!” Mingyu exclaims. “You were a huge nerd, weren’t you?”

“I still am,” you say, pretending to be scandalized. “Why do you think my magazine won an award for publishing? It certainly wasn’t because academic validation isn’t important to me.”

He laughs. “Your magazine won an award for publishing because it’s awesome. But I appreciate that you’re still trying to achieve academically even though you’re almost three years post-MBA.”

“I know when I’m being made fun of,” you sniff. “And I won’t have this from you, Mr. ‘I Flunked Out of Chemistry But They Still Let Me Play Basketball’ Kim Mingyu.”

Mingyu shoots you a reluctant grin. “I never should’ve told you that, first of all,” he says. “Secondly, despite all that, I think you would’ve liked me in high school.”

“I probably would’ve,” you admit. “You, however, would never have even looked at me in high school,” you say. “I had glasses, braces, the whole nine yards.”

He stretches, laughing. “I was into nerds, actually. Still am, in fact.” He smiles to himself, on cue with your heart turning all the way over in your chest.

You’re in dangerous territory, so you steer away. “Have you been practicing your ponytails?” you say seriously.

“Who do you think I am? Of course I have.”

“And you’re still not gonna show me what her hair looks like until the day of?”

“Of course not. It’s bad luck.”

You scoff. “I’m almost positive nobody thinks that.”

“I’m pretty sure I think that,” he counters.

“And I don’t even get to see her dress?” you ask.

“Not unless I get to see yours.”

You grin — this had been a constant “argument” since you’d come home with the dress bag, and you had denied his request to look at it. “What if I hate her dress?”

Mingyu shakes his head. “It’s impossible. She’s the cutest little girl in the world. So even if the dress sucks, she’s gonna look darling in it.”

“You make a good point,” you admit. “The dress doesn’t suck though, right?”

“You have so little faith in my taste,” Mingyu says, frowning. Then he lights up again and abruptly changes the subject. “Also, get this — Wonwoo says he’s gonna come and he’ll bring a girl.”

“Oh?” you say, lifting Sara off the ground as she reaches for one of the spark plugs in the wall. “Is it the same girl he brought home a couple weeks ago?” You’d become friends with Mingyu’s bespectacled, tech-savvy roommate due to occasional contact over the past almost-year, and the thought of him with a girl is sweet.

“Yeah,” Mingyu says. “But here’s the thing. He insisted — emphatically — that nothing was going on between them. They were just friends.”

“How long ago?”

“Like two weeks.”

“Maybe for one of them that’s true,” you suggest. “I mean, maybe he doesn’t like her like that.”

“No, he definitely does.”

“Okay, well, maybe she doesn’t like him like that.”

“Have you seen him?”

You laugh. “Have you seen yourself? I mean, if she hangs out at your place pretty often there’s really no reason she couldn’t like you too.”

Mingyu blushes, an uncharacteristically bashful move on his part, and you realize how much you’ve just given away. So you, blushing too, move over to Sara, beginning to play with her hands and let her grab at your necklace. “I should probably go,” Mingyu says. “Gotta be here early tomorrow to make sure you don’t sleep through your alarm again.”

“I only did that one time,” you protest. “And I don’t think I’ll sleep at all tonight.”

He makes a sympathetic noise. “Well, at least try, will you? It’s a big day for you, and you should be able to enjoy it.”

You smile up at him. “You’re right. Thank you, Mingyu. Say bye bye to Mingyu, Sara.”

“Bye, Googoo!!” Sara squeals — her endearing nickname for Mingyu. 

She bounds over to him, and he sweeps her into his arms for a swift hug before setting her down gently. “Bye, Sara!”

***

“Wow,” Mingyu says, his eyes wide and mouth open.

You tug at the tight, silvery-blue fabric of the floor-length gown you wear, blushing. “Thanks.”

“You’re always pretty,” Mingyu begins, finally recovering from the shock of seeing you like this enough to speak.

“Oh, stop it,” you protest, hiding your face in your hands.

“But this is … wow,” he finishes.

Your face could not be warmer. “Please desist before I’m so embarrassed that I have to change.” You peek from behind your fingers at Mingyu, who is looking positively devastating in a suit and is holding Sara in her fluffy pink dress. He was right about her looking cute in anything, but the dress suits your sweet, sassy, rambunctious little girl. And, true to his word, he has tugged her hair into two adorable pigtails fitted with feathery pink bows to match the dress. “You did an amazing job with Sara.”

Mingyu finally tears his eyes away from you to look proudly at Sara’s outfit. “Never doubt me again,” he jokes.

“I never will,” you vow. 

“Well, I think we need to leave,” Mingyu says. “I wonder what everyone will think about me arriving with the two prettiest girls at the party.”

You roll your eyes as you grab your things. “You’ll fit right in,” you tell him. “You look amazing.”

“Thanks,” he says, wrestling a grumpy Sara into her car seat. “Shall we?”

The party is a fancy affair. Big names in publishing mill around with your employees, some turning to greet you and offer words of congratulations when you walk in. Mingyu is impressed with how gracious and genuine you are with everyone, even the people you’re just being introduced to, his heart swelling with pride whenever you include him and Sara as a part of your introduction. 

Sara is amazed at the surroundings, looking around the beautifully furnished hotel meeting room with its twinkling lights in an overstimulated stupor. Plenty of the female employees are talking and whispering at the sight of her in Mingyu’s arms, a few even venturing to approach him and play with Sara’s hands or feet. “So, are you her boyfriend?” A blonde in a stunning red dress asks, leaning in with hooded eyes.

“No, I’m just her nanny,” Mingyu says with a laugh. “Um, excuse me.” 

You have to bite back a smile as Mingyu meets eyes with you nervously. “Meredith from accounting is zeroed in on you, I see,” you tease him. 

“She’s very friendly,” Mingyu agrees. “I think I saw Wonwoo come in, though.”

You look toward the door. There he is — tall, slender, with his signature glasses and a shy but very happy smile, hand-in-hand with a pretty girl in a pink dress. “They look cozy,” you observe. “Say hi to him for me, will you? I need to get ready to speak to everyone.”

Mingyu gives you a prolonged look that makes you more nervous than even the impending speech before he answers, “sure thing, boss. Break a leg. You’ll be great.”

It feels surreal — all of these people are mostly people who you see every day, mingling with publishing giants and friends, and everything is different. After what feels like no time at all, you take the low stage to begin your speech.

You take a deep breath, looking in the crowd for two specific people, and it isn’t until you’ve met eyes with Mingyu, who is softly smiling at you, and aimed a wave at Sara, that you begin. “This award is something I’ve been working toward since we started the magazine. I naively thought that receiving this award would finally help me to feel like I belonged in this industry, or that all the time I’d spend slaving for this business was actually worth it.

“The past year, however, has been the absolute hardest of my life. As many of you know, my sister -- the person who encouraged me to start this business, and the person without whom many of you, including me, would probably not have jobs -- was killed in a hit-and-run accident a year ago Thursday. And when you go through something like that, well...your perspective on life definitely changes. I have always been a believer in the power of story, but because of the life-altering experiences I’ve had over the course of this brutal year, I gained new insight into the stories that we should be telling with the voices we have in the time that we have them. I’m convinced that the team’s vision aligning so well with this change in priorities is why I’m on this stage accepting this award. So I have some people to thank for this.”

You’re practiced enough that your voice only shakes a little as you begin this part. “Firstly, my editor, Cory, who not only held us together while I was completely incapacitated, but also understood perfectly how to make this thing into the kind of thing that wins awards like this. If this was a ship, Cory would be at the helm, and I’m so glad that we have someone who is a perfect navigator. Cory knows the metaphorical sea and stars like an albatross, and he deserves to be the one speaking to you today, but we drew lots and I got the short stick.” The crowd laughs, and in the audience, Cory raises his glass to you, his arm snaked around the waist of his new girlfriend Lele.

You smile at his gesture and continue. “Secondly, to my assistant, Emily. She was hired only one single month before the accident, and she has become indispensable to me. One thing you should know about her is that her desire to do everything she can for anyone who needs it is not just one of her biggest professional strengths, it is also one of her best personal ones. Her competence and kindness will take her far -- here or wherever she goes.” When you spot Emily, her eyes are streaming with tears, and she gives you a little apologetic shrug as she wipes her eyes.

“Thirdly, I cannot thank the writing team, the creative team, the social media team, and the editing staff enough for supporting me through my bereavement and continuing to do such excellent work. I am grateful to have hired the right people, so that I can be confident that this important work we do will not be stopped if I am stopped.”

Now, the final message -- the part you hadn’t shown Mingyu yet. Partially because you wanted to surprise him, and partially because you were terrified of what he would know about you because of it, and you wanted to prolong the moment. You steady yourself and press on. “Finally, there have been a number of people in my personal life without whom I couldn’t be here today. Friends who pulled me out of the mud, almost literally, neighbors who looked out for my lawn, the kindest friend who watches my beautiful niece while I come to work --” and at this point, you intentionally avoid Mingyu’s gaze, “and Sara herself, who gives me a reason to wake up in the morning and who carries Jeri with her in her eyes. You have all been my hope in the fault lines, and without you, I would be so lost. Thank you for being my solid ground when everything around me was shaking.

“And of course, to my dear sister, my best friend, Jeri. From wherever you are, know that this award means infinitely more because of what I learned from you. I wish I could’ve learned it with you beside me, but I’m hoping every single day that when it’s my time, I’m even half of the person you are. Thank you.”

The audience applauds, and someone hands you a small glass statue as the physical evidence of your award, and pictures are snapped, and then it’s all over. You’re back in the crowd, and you’re drained and a bit embarrassed and empty, and the only person you want to talk to is Mingyu. You want to run to him and throw yourself into his arms and let him carry you away from the stage and the people who are flocking to you to hug you and offer condolences and shake your hand and congratulate you. But you can’t, so you let them approach until Emily (bless her) extracts you from the crowd.

“Your parents came,” she whispers to you, and you feel your jaw clench. 

“Where are they?” you ask through your gritted teeth. 

“By the food. I’ve tried to hold them off, but they want to meet Sara.”

“Where is she?”

“Mingyu’s changing her diaper.”

You grab Cory’s arm as he passes. “My parents are here. Please go in the bathroom and tell Mingyu not to leave until you come back to get him.” With an alarmed look, he obeys, and you stalk toward the two elderly people staring haughtily around at the crowd at the food table.

Your mother sees you first. As she meets your eyes you remember her wearing that same look while your father had “disciplined” you — with a belt. It’s a shrewd look, a calculating one. The last night you’d lived with them, before you’d taken Jeri and gotten out of that place, she had told him she didn’t think the message was sinking in enough. She suggested more stripes might remind you of “a woman’s place.”

As hard as she is to look at, he is infinitely worse. Your father has grown hunched in the ten years since you’ve seen him, his face becoming even more gaunt and severe, almost cartoonish in its caricatured lines. You stand up straighter and realize that you’re not afraid of him anymore. “What are you doing here?” you ask, your voice quiet so as not to attract attention and cause a scene. 

“Is it a crime to want to see my daughter and granddaughter?” your father croaks.

“I don’t remember inviting you,” you say shortly. “I want to know how you found out about this.”

“I read about it in the paper,” he says.

“Well, thank you for coming,” you say. “But I think I made it clear that I don’t want contact with you after the trial.”

“The judge only ruled that Sara would live with you. They didn’t mention that we could never see her,” your mother claims.

“No, they didn’t say that. But I did,” you remind her, your voice surprisingly gentle despite your anger.

There is a sudden warmth from a hand at your shoulder. “Are you okay?” Mingyu asks quietly.

You turn to face him, giving him a tight smile. “Yeah,” you say, a bit shaken but still determined. “Where’s Sara?”

“Wonwoo is watching her,” he replies. “Do you need help with them?”

You had told him about your parents and the vaguest details of their abuse around month four. He knew you’d left home at seventeen with Jeri in tow, determined to let her be safer than you had been. He knew that there had been a nasty custody battle necessitating your admission of everything they’d done to you so that Sara would never be subjected to the childhood you had. He didn’t know that you’d had to teach yourself how to do makeup in seventh grade to hide the black eye your father had given you, because your mother believed makeup to be deceitful and of the devil. He didn’t know all the times you’d stepped in front of Jeri to prevent your father from hurting her. He didn’t know the fear you’d felt when they took you to court to try and take your niece away from you — all on the basis that a child without her father, raised by only a woman, could never be complete.

He didn’t know everything, but still he was there at your side. Big and strong and never angry except for right now, his dark eyes flashing and his mouth set in a straight line. You’d wondered how your soft, silly, sweet Mingyu had managed to survive for years as a federal agent, but now you knew. Mingyu could be intimidating if he wanted to be – he simply chose not to be most of the time.

You sigh, relieved. “I think I would like help with them, actually.”

This is all Mingyu needs to spring into action. He moves for your father, taking him by the arm in what you’re sure is a vice grip, as you link an arm around your mother’s arm. “I need the both of you to go,” you tell her. “And if I see you again, I’ll file a restraining order. Don’t think I won’t. I’d prefer not to do it, so just leave us alone. We’re happy.” You release her in the hotel lobby, and she and your father scurry away. 

As you walk back to the party with Mingyu, you ask, “did he say anything to you?”

Mingyu shrugs. “Nothing worth repeating.” The two of you hunt down Sara, and you give her a big hug before letting her finally wander around on her own two feet, which she’s been begging Wonwoo to do. It does your heart good to watch her be herself without any fear of retribution.

You’re surprised at how normal you feel after returning to the group. Your hands still shake, and you do keep a closer eye on Sara than normal, but you don’t dwell on it. It didn’t burn you like you expected to see them again. Perhaps, you reason, although the pain of seeing your parents again is very different from your grief, and there is nearly ten years of distance between that pain and your current life, you have actually become stronger. The thought makes you warm from the inside out. The rest of the event goes by in a blur -- all the way up until you overhear Mingyu talking to Wonwoo. “Come out with us tonight,” Wonwoo plies.

“I don’t know,” Mingyu says, sounding reluctant.

“You should,” you find yourself saying, grinning as they both jump at your words. “Sorry for eavesdropping. Why wouldn’t you go?”

Mingyu snorts. “I’ll go if you go.”

You grin regretfully at Wonwoo. “Sorry,” you say. “I have the duties of motherhood to attend to.”

Bora is standing nearby and interjects. “Actually, I think it’d be great if you went. I can take Sara tonight.”

You shoot her a look. “I wasn’t even invited. That was a joke.”

“No, you’re definitely invited,” Wonwoo says. “Please come. Seungcheol is going to be there, and he just got rejected, so he needs someone more responsible than me to look after him. Who better than a literal mother?”

You roll your eyes. “I didn’t birth her, Wonwoo.”

“You’re still her mom,” says Bora. “I’m taking her home with me. Go out, have fun! It’ll be good for you. The last time you went out, you ended up finding Mingyu. So maybe tonight something great will happen.”

You can hear the suggestive edge in her voice. It has you glaring daggers at her as she reaches for Sara. “I’ll leave you to it,” she says, and scurries away.

***

“I’m not good at drinking,” you confess over the music.

“Then don’t drink too much,” Wonwoo says. 

“Is everything just that simple for you?” you ask him, amused. 

He grins. “Actually, yes.” He looks over to where the girl he brought and Mingyu are chatting happily about some inane thing, and frowns. “Sometimes even I complicate things, though.”

“I think she really likes you.” Wonwoo turns to look at you, eyes wide, and you chuckle. “I think we’re alike,” you explain. “Neither of us are very forward usually, or very good at expressing ourselves.”

Wonwoo nods with a sheepish grin. “That’s accurate.”

“So…do you like her?” you ask him bluntly.

Wonwoo clears his throat and downs a shot before replying. “I’ve been in love with her for a long time.”

“And you still haven’t said anything?” you ask sympathetically.

“Well, I mean, we’ve kissed. And we’ve held hands. And I kind of confessed.”

You eye him skeptically. “And would you say she’s more like you and I, personality-wise, or more like Mingyu?”

“Definitely Mingyu,” he replies. 

“Do you think Mingyu would pick up on a half-confession?”

Wonwoo thinks to himself. “He’d probably understand what you’re saying, but I think he’d be too worried to do anything about it unless you were explicit. He’s too polite and cautious to cross a line like that.”

You try not to think about what he’s saying in the context of you and Mingyu, but it’s hard. “So, do you know what you need to do?” you ask him, trying to focus on the task at hand.

“Own up to my feelings, probably.” Wonwoo laughs at himself.

“You’ve already kissed,” you point out. “And she’s stuck around. If she hated that you kissed her, it might be one thing, but it seems to me like she’s pretty into being with you. You don’t have to be poetic, just tell her how she makes you feel and let her respond how she wants.”

He nods, putting the shot glass back on the bar and standing up. “Thanks,” he says. “You might consider taking your own advice, too.” And with that, he walks across the room to the girl and leans in to whisper something to her. The two of them leave together, and Mingyu turns to look at you, giving you a quizzical look. 

“What did you say to him?” he asks, coming to sit in Wonwoo’s vacated seat.

“I told him to go for it,” you say, your head still buzzing with Wonwoo’s last comment to you. You sip sparingly at your piña colada and sigh. “What are we even doing here?” you ask Mingyu with an uncharacteristic giggle, probably brought on by the alcohol in your system. “I’ve never been a person who goes to bars, and since becoming a parent, I am even less of one.”

Mingyu laughs. “Well, I was having a great time talking with Wonwoo’s girl, until someone decided to be an inspiration. As per usual.”

“Where are Seungcheol and Vernon?” you say, ignoring his compliment but for a small grin.

“I think they’re in an intense game of pool. Vernon’s doing a better job distracting Cheol than I thought he would,” Mingyu says. “Although they’re both super drunk. We should go check on them.”

Mingyu takes your hand and guides you through the crowded bar, to a back room with a pool table, a ping pong table, and a couple of old arcade games. Vernon and Seungcheol have abandoned the pool table and are standing by the ancient-looking jukebox. As you watch, Seungcheol whacks the jukebox with his fist, and then groans in pain. Mingyu wordlessly jogs over to them and grabs Seungcheol’s hand to inspect it.

“Wanted it to play that one song,” Seungcheol slurs at Mingyu as you approach. “The one that reminds me of her.”

Mingyu looks at him in a mixture of amusement and worry. “Which one?”

“She’s Got a Way,” Vernon says, stumbling over. “Billy Joel is the best.”

“I think you should sit down,” Mingyu says to both of them as they lean heavily on him. You grab Vernon by the arm and help him over to the nearest collection of chairs, just as a pretty girl in a black dress strides up to Mingyu helping Seungcheol. 

“Hi, handsome,” she says. 

“Pia?” Mingyu says, shocked. “Oh, wow. Um, hi! It’s been awhile.” He rubs the back of his neck nervously.

“Sure has, soldier.” She doesn’t spare you or either of the other two men a single glance -- her focus is solely on Mingyu. “Where have you been?”

“I was living in Italy for a minute. You know, doing the whole nannying thing still.” He clears his throat. “But I’ve been back awhile.”

“Huh,” Pia says. “Can’t believe you haven’t lost your mind around all those kids yet. Let me buy you a drink. You can tell me all about it.”

Mingyu shoots you a sideways glance. You want to drag him away from her -- with your teeth, if necessary -- but you say nothing, hoping your face isn’t betraying the open hostility in your heart. “I don’t know,” he says, hesitating. “I’m supposed to drive later.”

“Then I’ll buy you a virgin daiquiri. Nothing hokey, I promise,” she says smoothly, taking Mingyu’s arm. “I’ll have you back here before you know it.” And with that, she waltzes him away as he looks at you, wide-eyed, over his shoulder.

You aren’t really mad at him. You could tell that if it were up to him, he’d have stayed with the three of you -- if only because he was worried about Vernon and Seungcheol being too much for you. And yet, it still rankled to see him walking away with another woman.

Another very pretty woman.

Maybe it’s this that leads you to order another drink when the waiter comes around. And another. Two drinks was enough alcohol to get you shit-faced. Three has you singing along to She’s Got a Way with the other two when it finally plays, even though you never sing.

By the time Mingyu arrives back to your group, he is shocked to see you with your arms slung around the other two, your cheeks pink and your eyes bright, belting another song along with them while Seungcheol weeps unabashedly into your shoulder.

“I think it’s time to leave,” he says, amused, propping Seungcheol up. “Stay right there, baby. I’ll be back.”

You blink. It feels like time is moving in slow motion as Mingyu turns to leave the bar. “Did he just call me baby?” you ask Vernon stupidly.

“I think so,” Vernon says, nodding. “It’d be weird if he called me that.” 

You frown. “Why does he do stuff like that?”

Vernon shakes his head. “I don’t know. But what I do know is that the room is spinning, which means I drank too much, so I’m gonna just lay down for a second.”

You watch Vernon put his forehead to the table and give a drunken scoff. Mingyu arrives shortly afterward, lifting you princess-style out of your chair as though you weigh nothing and telling Vernon he’ll be back. He lays you in the passenger seat of your car, grinning down at you. “I see why you don’t drink often,” he teases. “You really are a lightweight.”

Seungcheol groans from the backseat. “Kiss her,” he commands, too loud, causing passerby to look over in shock.

To Mingyu’s surprise, your eyes light up. You still have a hand gripping his soft tee from when the world tilted alarmingly as he hoisted you off the chair, and your eyes are out of focus and you keep blinking at him to try and see him, and you’re uncomfortably aware that your hair is plastered to your forehead with sweat. 

Adorable. He can’t help but think it. The alcohol has done its job admirably — your cheeks are flushed, and your usually-guarded gaze is open and almost dangerous in your blatant desire for him. It takes everything in him to restrain himself from listening to Seungcheol and kissing you in front of all these people. 

But you’re so drunk, and he cares too much about you to do it like this, so he gently removes your fist from his shirt and runs back into the bar to get Vernon, hearing Seungcheol yell “Coward!” at him as he retreats. In no time he packs Vernon into the back of the car and drives off, monitoring you in the passenger side. 

Seungcheol gets out at Vernon’s house, and together they stagger inside. Mingyu watches them in amusement until he hears you sniffling. Alarmed, he looks down to see you crying quietly into your hands.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, befuddled. 

“I’m drunk,” you say in a choked, muffled voice. “People just cry when they’re drunk sometimes.”

He shrugs, then pats your shoulder. “I guess you’re right.” But he continues to watch as your tears continue to fall. Finally he pulls up to your house, and you claw at your seatbelt, trying to pull yourself loose. He chuckles and pops the button easily, and you fling the door open and promptly fall out of the car.

In a panic, Mingyu runs around the side of the car to see you weeping on your own driveway. When he moves to help you, you weakly try to push him away. “What’s going on, honey?” he says, suddenly realizing you may not have told him the truth earlier about the reason for your tears. 

“I’m mad at you,” you admit, wiping your eyes. “And I cry when I’m mad.”

He purses his lips. “Well, can I at least get you inside? Then we can talk about it.”

You hesitate, then nod. Wordlessly he scoops you into his arms, and despite everything you’re feeling, you tuck yourself into the crook of his neck. He’s so warm, and you breathe in his scent, feeling the pain of the fall and your own feelings ease a little. 

“So,” he says after he’s propped you up on your couch. “What’s this about, huh?”

You look up at him with red eyes. “I’m not actually mad at you.” You take a deep breath in. “I’m mad at me.”

The realization had hit you when you’d reached Vernon’s apartment. You had broken your own heart, beyond what you thought was possible after losing your sister, because every version of your future that you had even the slightest desire to live in had Mingyu in it. And not as your nanny — as your partner. The sudden impossibility of any of those futures becoming reality has rushed to you, because Mingyu needs a job, and you need a nanny, and to change anything about your relationship would cost him his livelihood — or cost the both of you the relationship you already have.

The only thing more impossible than explaining this was staying quiet, however.

So when he asks why, you tell him. “I ruined everything, Mingyu. I … I put us both in the worst possible situation.”

“How?” His eyes are zeroed in on your face, alight in the dim room. 

You can almost taste your own heartbeat as you reply. “I…fell in love with you.”

Mingyu’s jaw drops. 

“I know, it’s stupid. And you…you have better options than me, plus…we’re impossible. You and me, it would never work anyway. But I had to say it before I catch fire from the inside out.”

When you finally look at Mingyu, his shock has turned into a pained expression. “Impossible?” he repeats quietly.

You nod sleepily as the tears overtake you again. “Like trying to fit a round peg in a square hole,” you confirm, sniffling.

“Why is it impossible?” he asks. “Explain that.” For the first time since you’ve known Mingyu, he sounds angry with you. 

And this makes you angry, too.

“Because this is not the life you deserve,” you say, your voice too loud for the living room. “Me, my grief, my baggage, a kid — you deserve your own family. One that isn’t so … messy.” Your voice cracks near the end of your rant, but you choke your tears down like you had in front of your parents and their rage all those years ago. 

“What if you’re enough for me?” he challenges, eyes flashing.

“I’m not going to let you throw the whole life you could have with someone else away for someone who can’t give you what you want!” you yell. “I can’t love you like you deserve, Mingyu!”

Mingyu’s face crumples from anger to shattering grief. He stands up, grabs his jacket, and heads for the door. 

You want to yell at him to come back, but feel too guilty and tired and stressed and awful to say a word. Before he opens the door, he half turns over his shoulder, not meeting your eyes. “I know you, and I know how you love. And it’s more than enough. You are what I want.” His tone is so careful and measured that you know he wants to yell back at you. He couldn’t be more serious, or more plain about what he’s saying. He finally looks into your eyes as he opens the door.

“If you ever stop being afraid of that, you know where to find me,” he says quietly.

And without another glance, he steps into the night, letting the door shut with an awful sense of finality.

***

“Get up,” says Bora sternly, ripping the sheets off you. 

You groan and bury your face in your pillows. “No,” you say.

“Sara has been asking for you,” she insists. 

You glare at her, but push yourself up and follow her downstairs. Sara is playing happily on the floor with Morrie. When she catches sight of you, she yells her toddler version of your name. Your heart partially pieces itself back together, and you respond to her reaching arms by pulling her close. “Hey, baby. Did you have a fun sleepover?”

“Yeah!” Sara yells excitedly. “We had soooooooooo much fun!!”

“We played with my princess toys,” Morrie informs you. 

“Oh did you?” you say, trying to mimic their excitement. 

“Yeah!! Mommy said you went out to have fun with a cute boy,” Morrie says. “Did you have fun?”

You glance over at Bora before responding. “I may have had a little too much fun.”

Bora hisses, but you shake your head at her, letting her know with your eyes that you’ll talk later. She hangs around for the morning, and when Morrie and Sara go down for their naps, she corners you.

“Tell me why Mingyu didn’t show up this morning,” she demands.

You sigh. “Because I am the dumbest, stupidest idiot known to all mankind.” And you tell her everything.

She listens intently. “And then he texted this morning and told me he needed some time,” you finish, swallowing hard around the lump in your throat.

“So what are you gonna do about it?” she asks you. You note the strain in her tone and realize she’s mad at you too.

“I don’t know,” you snap, her anger and your own pain making you feel trapped and defensive. 

“That man is in love with you,” she says, exasperated. “I mean, it was really obvious that he feels the same way about you that you feel about him. And you’re just going to stubbornly suggest that he’s too good for you?”

“He literally is, though,” you say, desperate to make her understand. “He’s the perfect man. He could be with anyone. I have a kid and a company, and he deserves someone’s full attention and full heart, and that will never be me.”

Bora’s shaking her head. “No, listen to me. You’ve always been like this. You think love is this finite thing and once you give it to one thing you don’t have enough to give to something else. I thought Sara would change that about you. Do you forget about Sara when you’re at work?” 

You think to yourself. No, in fact. You thought about her constantly. You even did your job in the hope that one day she would know she could do whatever she set her mind to. “And did you stop running your business just because you became Sara’s guardian?” Bora asks you, watching you as you think. “Of course you didn’t. Because love isn’t finite, you dummy.”

You stare at her, unconvinced. She sighs. “Sweetheart, I see the way you look at him. I know you know you have feelings for him, but when you think about an entire lifetime without Mingyu, when you think about him moving on with someone else, how does that feel?”

“Unbearable,” you whisper. You’ve already thought about it -- all last night, after you sobered up, you thought about what would happen to you if that was the last time you ever saw Mingyu. You knew you’d keep going, for Sara, like always. But you also knew you’d be a shell of who you were when you were with him, and you didn’t like to think how long it would take for you to fill yourself back up.

Which brings you to a greater worry. “What if I just…got attached? Because he was something for me to hold onto during all this?” you ask her.

“So what if you did? That’s as real a reason to be attached to someone as I can think of.”

“I don’t want to be trauma-bonded, Bora.”

She rolls her eyes. “Have you ever heard him say anything mean? About anyone?”

“No?” Because he hadn’t. Not even your parents. He was unfailingly kind.

“And has he ever made you feel inferior, for any reason?”

“Of course not,” you say. In fact, even when he teased, he was never disrespectful.

“And are the two of you able to talk about things together without antagonizing each other?”

“Yes,” you tell her, realizing all at once that your friendship with Mingyu is one of the healthiest you have.

Bora nods. “You need to go see him.” She grabs your hand and starts tugging you up the stairs.

“But I just got Sara back, and he says he needs time!” you protest, shocked.

“He needs time from the you that didn’t know you didn’t want to live without him,” she says forcefully, throwing one of your duffel bags onto your bed and tossing a random assortment of clothing into it.

“Why are we packing?” you ask her in alarm.

“You aren’t coming home tonight,” she says matter-of-factly.

“I’m not?”

“For the smartest person I know, you’re an absolute idiot,” she says. “Grab pajamas, sweetie.”

You know better than to argue with Bora when she gets into tornado mode. So you pull out your favorite sweatpants and a hoodie. Bora looks at your selections with a critical eye. “Comfort over style?” she asks, moving to your dresser. She opens the top drawer and extracts the pretty pink lingerie an ex boyfriend got you for Christmas three years ago. 

“What is that for?” you ask as she grabs a black bra and panty set and shoves it into the bag as well. You feel the heat rising in your cheeks, the beating of your heart suddenly rattling in your brain.

She doesn’t respond, just takes you out to your car and hands you the keys she grabbed -- still on the counter where Mingyu had left them the night before. “I’m prohibiting you from coming home tonight. I’ll take care of Sara. Don’t worry about anything, just go.”

It’s not until you’re on the road that it hits you fully what you’re about to do. You’ve never done anything like this before -- never cared enough to take the risk that you’re about to take. You try not to imagine him slamming the door in your face and drive faster, wanting to get to the part where you’re standing in front of him saying what you need to say. 

Finally, you arrive. You take a deep breath before dashing from the car to knock on Mingyu’s door. Your knocks are so persistent and loud that he answers right away, looking shocked to see you of all people on his porch with a duffel bag.

The first words out of his mouth aren’t what you expect. “Are you fleeing the country?”

“Huh?” you ask. 

“Your duffel bag. And you look like you just robbed a bank,” he says with an eyebrow raised.

“Oh. Um, no. I...can I come in? I really need to talk to you.” You can hear how thick your voice sounds, and you try to clear your throat, but breathing is hard. Because there he is -- wet hair from a recent shower, white tank top with massive arms fully visible, and eyes that only just barely betray the hurt of the night before. The hurt you caused.

He steps aside to let you in, and you scurry past him and lay your bag down before you turn to face him. “Is Wonwoo here?” you ask first. 

“Nah, he stayed with his girl last night.” Mingyu’s eyes are steady on you, urging you to explain yourself, and you’re more nervous than ever. You rub your slick palms on your sweatpants and will yourself to find the words to continue.

“I’m so scared,” you finally whisper to him. 

His face is stony, unreadable. “Of what?” he asks.

“Everything,” you tell him. “All of this. I’m scared of you most of all.”

He softens a little. “Why?” he asks, taking a step toward you.

You step forward too -- close enough to touch him. And for the first time in your life, you make the move, reaching forward and taking his big hand in yours. “Because you, Kim Mingyu, could ruin me. I love you in a way that’s never supposed to end, and that terrifies me. I don’t ever want to lose you. And I could. I might have already.”

He’s very still, watching your face, looking for any signs of a lie. It’s such a relief to be touching him, and you’re so high on the feeling of his warm hand in yours, that you sigh as you bring his knuckles to your lips, breathing a kiss over each one.

“You mean it,” he says quietly, watching you adore him.

“I do,” you say. “I really, really do. I love you, Kim Mingyu.” 

Those are the words that seem to hit him like a comet breaking through the atmosphere. He tugs you forward and into his arms and buries his face in your neck, squeezing you hard enough that you feel your ribs crack.  

“I love you too,” he says, and you hear the hint of tears in his voice. “I wish I could find a way to tell you how I feel right now,” Mingyu says into your hair. “I meant what I said. You’re everything I ever wanted. Sara, too.”

And you know there’s still things that you’ll need to work out, but when you’re in Mingyu’s arms, it all seems to matter a lot less. The relief is instantaneous, his touch soothing the tightness in your chest, and you finally let yourself open up fully, melting into him and squeezing him back. Mingyu lets go of you only briefly and only partially to pull you over to the sofa, wrapping his arms around your middle from behind and pulling you to his chest. 

“What made you decide to come?” he asks you, pressing a kiss to your temple.

You give a small laugh. “Bora,” you say. “It was actually barely my choice at all. She basically threw me out of my own house.”

You can feel the vibration of his own chuckle where your head rests against his chest. “Thank goodness for Bora.”

“Mmm,” you say in agreement, relaxing into his embrace. Mingyu’s arms tighten around you, and he leans down to kiss your shoulder through your several layers of sweatshirt. “So, how long have you liked me?” you ask him shyly.

He sighs. “It was almost at first sight for me,” he admits, blushing as your jaw drops. “I’m serious! You looked so cute that first morning. So frazzled, too.”

“Imagine my shock,” you explain, “when I hire a nanny and someone who looks like you shows up.” You trace a light hand up and down the arms wrapped around you, watching as they erupt into goosebumps. 

“What do you mean? Did I look irresponsible?” he teases.

“No, you’re just the hottest man alive,” you say, grinning at him over your shoulder. 

He looks both shy and pleased with himself. “I am?” he asks, his smile growing.

You turn back around and sink into him again. “My love, I’m going to need you to invest in a mirror. You clearly don’t know what you look like.”

Mingyu gives a soft laugh. Slowly and deliberately, he kisses down the side of your face from your temple down your cheekbone, bringing a hand up to turn your head to face him. “Would you like a kiss from the hottest man alive?” he asks very seriously, but he can’t help the corners of his mouth from turning upward just a bit.

You nod, privately and internally screaming to yourself. It’s been a very long time -- what if you’re bad at it? 

But Mingyu is so careful. He just barely tilts your chin up and lets your lips meet his, soft and warm and tender. You let your lips part slightly, and lean in just slightly more, adding a bit of pressure. His hand on your face is steady and strong, and you can taste coconut oil on his lips from his chapstick. Kissing Mingyu is heaven, as thrilling as a roller coaster but as safe as a night at home in Sara’s rocking chair. Your mind is full of him — everything else seems to evaporate as though Mingyu is the only real thing in the world, and you cling to him, trembling, as though he might disappear too. You have to remind yourself to take it slow, although your heart clattering against your ribs is begging you for more from his lips, but can’t help a soft hum of pleasure from escaping you as he breaks the kiss and comes back for another, slipping his hand from your cheek to the back of your neck.

He smiles against your lips at the sound. “Enjoying yourself?” he asks, pulling away a bit.

And although you’re trembling with a surplus of emotions, you manage an eye roll. “I don’t have to answer that,” you say, breathing too heavily.

Those darling crow’s feet appear at the corners of his eyes as he notices the heat rising in your face, even brushing a thumb along the pink that has appeared on the apple of your cheek. “I would do things all the time to make that happen,” he admits, dropping a feather light kiss on your cheek. “You looked so cute, and it also made me feel like maybe you might love me back one day.”

“For your information, I liked you almost this entire time, too,” you tell him.

“When did it shift?” he asks. “Between liking me and loving me, I mean.”

You consider. “I think it became clearer to me when Sara started calling you dad — you remember? It was around her first birthday.”

“I remember!” he says. “I was worried you’d be mad.”

You smile. “I wasn’t mad at all. It occurred to me then that I couldn’t see myself finding anyone else to love Sara the same way, or that it would just all feel wrong and weird if it wasn’t you. I thought about it plenty of times beforehand, though. I think the first time I felt something real was when I got sick.”

“Two weeks in?” Mingyu asks, surprised.

“Yeah, about that long,” you confirm, and his eyes go wide.

“We’ve really just been driving each other crazy and not saying anything for the past however many months?” He laughs his high-pitched giggle. “We’re idiots!”

“Well, we figured it out eventually,” you say, spinning around to face him. “Now, I have a question.”

“Ask away,” he says, his eyes soft and adoring as he gazes at you.

“Why did you fall for me? I’m a wreck.”

He laughs again, and you swat at his arm. “I’m being serious. You couldn’t have come into my life in worse circumstances, and you’ve seen me at every extreme. Why do you love me? Why not someone...I don’t know, younger? Less riddled with grief? Someone who isn’t a package deal?”

He thinks for a minute. “Well, you’re not a decrepit old woman, as much as you might think you are. I’m actually six months older than you,” he informs you.

“You are? How do you know?” 

“Your birthday is October 16. Mine is April 6 of the same year.”

“How do you know that?” you repeat, shocked.

“I stalked you on social media,” he replies, blushing himself.

You decide to let this go. “But you still haven’t explained why you love me,” you protest.

He looks at you, grinning at your eagerness with stars in his eyes, brushing your hair out of your face to see you better. “The first thing I loved about you was how much love you had for your niece,” he begins. “You didn’t resent her at all even though she’d sort of wrecked your whole life plan. That said something about you. I could tell you had a good heart.” He pauses. “The second thing I loved about you was your ass.”

You gape at him. He bursts into laughter, and you shove his shoulder. “I’m kidding,” he says. “Although,” he continues, reaching around to lift you onto his lap by said ass, “it is pretty incredible.” 

You have to rest your hands on his chest to keep yourself upright, but you avoid meeting his eyes, even though you’re straddling him. You’re feeling like someone zapped you with a bolt of lightning as a tingle spreads from your inside out. “Hey,” he says softly. “Look at me, baby.”

You force yourself to look into his eyes, which are warm and smiling at you over a fine dusting of freckles across his nose. He shifts his weight a bit so you’re resting more comfortably across his hips, and your breathing grows heavier. “Is this okay?” he asks, a bit amused at how much the simple change in position seems to be affecting you.

Trying to look unbothered, you nod. “Please go on,” you say. 

“What was I saying?” he asks, his hand dancing down your spine and making you shiver, still grinning up at you.

“Something about my ass,” you tell him, and he laughs. 

“Right,” he says. “But seeing how you treated Sara was the first thing. Then I appreciated how hard you worked. And then I loved your humor and how you teased me. And then I admired how you opened up to me. And then —“

“Alright, enough,” you interrupt, embarrassed.

“The point is,” he continues with a broad smile, “it all came down to how much love you had inside you. You loved everything and everyone so much, in a way that was so unique to anyone I’d ever met. It was just you.” 

You laugh at this – the very reason he fell for you was the thing you were worried about not being able to give him. 

He sighs contentedly at the sound. “After a while the possibility of being with anyone else just felt … gross. You can ask Wonwoo — we had a few particularly miserable nights of drinking about it.”

You ruffle his hair. “You talked about me to your friends?”

“Almost constantly for almost as long as I’ve known you,” he confirms. “They’re so sick of me.”

You tsk softly, wrapping your arms around him and resting your head on his shoulder. “They deserve for us to take them to dinner,” you say, lightly scratching up and down his back. You can’t help but sigh in relief — Mingyu’s touch feels like stepping inside from the cold. You can feel yourself relaxing against him, your heartbeat slowing.

After several minutes of holding each other like this, Mingyu extricates himself. “One second, baby,” he says, pecking you on the forehead. 

“Where are you going?” you ask, wincing at the whine in your voice. 

“I just need to text my housemate,” he calls over his shoulder as he disappears into one of the bedrooms. “I’m gonna tell him not to come home.”

You suddenly become painfully aware of the pink lingerie buried in your duffel bag. 

If it’s been awhile since you’ve kissed anyone, it’s been an age since you’ve had sex. And on top of that, all the sex you’ve had has been at worst embarrassing and at best okay. To say you’re nervous is an understatement — more nervous than you were the first time you ever undressed in front of a man, and you’re still fully clothed.

So you just wait for him to come back, smiling at him as he re-enters the room, flops onto the couch, and lays his head in your lap. You almost automatically run your fingers through the slightly longer hair on top of his head, letting your fingernails lightly brush against his scalp. He nestles into you and sighs. “So, what do you want to do tonight?”

You can’t help the choked laugh that escapes you. “Well…” you begin, as you blush and Mingyu looks up at you in alarm. 

“Oh,” he realizes, sitting up. “That was such a leading question. I didn’t mean it like that.”

You put a gentle hand to his cheek. “I know you didn’t,” you say. “But…”

At your hesitation, he shakes his head. “We don’t have to do anything tonight. I just told Wonwoo to stay out because I want us to have uninterrupted time together before we need to go take care of Sara.”

The anxiety leaves you almost instantly. “Thanks,” you say in relief. “Um…are you hungry? You’ve cooked for me so often. It might be fun to do a little role reversal tonight.”

“I’m starving,” he admits, “but what if I take you out to a restaurant?”

You wrinkle your nose. “Looking like this?” you ask, gesturing to yourself.

“We could change?” he suggests. 

“How’s this for compromise,” you say, feeling like he just doesn’t want you to do anything for him tonight. “We order takeout. I know this great pizza place.”

His face lights up. “Pizza sounds amazing.”

45 minutes later, you’re both tucked into Mingyu’s comforter on the sofa, eating pizza with your legs tangled together. “Let’s pick a movie,” Mingyu says with his mouth partially full.

You nod, handing him the remote. The two of you scroll through options before settling on Legally Blonde. When you bring up that you think Mingyu is only watching the movie for you, he side-eyes you comically. “This is one of my favorite movies!” he insists, and you let him have it.

But there’s starting to be an issue. The adrenaline of the impulsive decision to come to him and confess has worn off, and in its place is a new, unfamiliar, and powerful feeling. An unbearable ache you barely recognize, coming from body parts that haven’t been touched in years. And you definitely aren’t surprised that you’re attracted to Mingyu, but you are surprised at how turned on you are by him in his tank top, eating pizza straight out of the box. You’re practically salivating as you watch him watch the movie.

It doesn’t take long for him to notice. “Um, baby,” he says. “Everything okay?”

He’s got a little piece of cheese at the corner of his mouth, and his eyes are big and slightly concerned. Before you realize what you’re saying, you blurt out, “I wanna do it!”

“Do what?” he asks, bewildered.

“Do you,” you clarify. You grin sheepishly at him.

He chuckles a little, watching you carefully. “Are you sure?” he says once he can see you’re serious.

“Well, unless you don’t want to,” you backtrack, realizing that in your painful need for him you’d forgotten his feelings.

He raises an eyebrow. “No, I most definitely want to,” he says, scooting closer to you. He lightly brushes his fingers over your cheekbones, his touch sending a jolt of desire through your body. “But I don’t want you to feel like you have to. We can take it slow.”

“Mingyu,” you say, closing the distance between the two of you and taking his face in your hands. “We’ve been taking it slow for four months. I’m officially finished going slow with you.” You puff out a breath, uttering a quiet but desperate “please” that fades into the air like smoke, and before it has, Mingyu has pulled you into his arms and stood up off the couch. He kisses you deeply, catching your bottom lip between his teeth in a gentle bite that has you gasping for air. He stumbles blindly to the bathroom with your legs locked around his waist, sitting you down on the counter to continue kissing you, only pulling back to pull your sweatshirt up and over your head to reveal the bare skin and bra underneath.

And then, at a dizzying pace, he’s kissing down your cheek, down your neck, across your shoulder, feathering kisses over every freckle there until he’s brushing your bra strap to the side while one hand at your back slides up to unhook it. 

You find yourself wishing you had a camera present for the way Mingyu’s face looks when he sees your bare chest for the first time. You half-expect him to bury his face in your breasts, so you tug him closer by the waistband of his sweats and press yourself closer to him, his fingers drawing lines of fire up and down the bare skin of your back as you hook your legs around him once more.

You’re tugging on his tank top, now, discarding the useless material so you can finally let his warmth completely envelope you skin-to-skin. He lifts you up off the counter and sets you down gently, taking a step back and gesturing to your shorts. “Need those off, baby,” he says, running a hand through his hair before smoothly untying the lace at the front of his own sweats and slipping them off.

But now it’s your turn to stare. You’d never really been given the chance to appreciate a naked body in such a present way, but you weren’t about to waste the opportunity when that body was Mingyu’s. You let your eyes roam over every perfect inch of him, only allowing yourself to look back at his eyes when he says your name. “You okay, love?” he says softly, taking a hesitant step closer. 

You laugh softly. “That is not nearly a strong enough word.” You finally reach down and remove your own shorts, and Mingyu sucks in a breath from between his teeth. “Damn,” he exclaims, looking you up and down briefly before grabbing your hand and pulling you into the bedroom you can see through the other bathroom door. 

He climbs into bed, under the covers, and pats the space next to him. You crawl in beside him as he pulls on a condom and then puts his hand to your cheek. “You ready?” he asks.

You’re breathless, you’re sweating, and you need him biblically. So you whisper “yes,” and Mingyu’s pulling you in for a deep, slow, spine-tingling kiss, his eyes fluttering shut, shifting his weight so that he’s hovering over you.

But then he does something you don’t expect, trailing kisses from your chin down your neck and chest. When he stops to drag his tongue over your nipples, you squirm a little, getting more and more heated by the minute. After a few minutes spent worshiping your breasts, he continues kissing down your body, pausing when he reaches your waist. “This okay?” he asks. 

“Yes,” you say, about two octaves higher than your normal voice, and he grins before his next question.

“Can I go lower, sweetie?”

This is new. No one has ever offered to eat you out before, and you’re suddenly insecure.

Mingyu can see it on your face. “It’s just so that you can feel good,” he reassures. “If you don’t want it, I won’t do it.”

“No, it’s fine,” you say quickly. “It’s just new. But I trust you.”

“New?” he questions with raised eyebrows.

“My first time,” you confirm.

He scoffs. “Then I guess I have to make up for lost time,” he says, pulling your legs over his shoulders and going to work.

And you can’t help the sharp intake of air, nor the moans that escape you, because this feeling is one of the best you’ve ever felt in your life. Mingyu eats like his life depends on it, and your back arches in pleasure as he responds to your sounds, learning what makes you feel best. Your hand finds the back of his head, and you find yourself wishing he had more hair that you could grab as you tremble with his efforts.

It doesn’t take long before the pleasure overtakes you, washing over you in a warm wave and making you feel all floaty and euphoric, your whole body seizing and twitching feverishly as Mingyu works you down from your high. When he finally pulls back, his mouth wet and grinning, you have to remind yourself how to breathe. “How was it?” he asks. 

You can only shake your head and stare at him, dumbfounded. He laughs, then kneels in front of you on the bed so you can see how hard he’s gotten. “Can I?” he asks you, and in response you sit up and kiss him before pulling him down by his neck on top of you, guiding him inside of you.

You whimper a bit at the stretch, but Mingyu’s left you wet enough that it slides right in, and it feels amazing. “You okay, baby?” he checks again, and you chuckle.

“Yeah, just kiss me, Gyu,” you say, almost drunkenly, and the nickname on your dazed lips is almost enough to bring him to his own climax. But Mingyu is a good listener, so while he thrusts into you, he kisses you, over and over and over again, pausing every now and then to kiss your neck so that he can hear you moan into his ear.

“Good girl,” he says after a particularly loud one. “Talk to me. I wanna hear it.”

“How does it feel for you?” you ask him breathlessly.

“Like heaven, baby,” he grunts. “You’re so good. So, so good.”

You come another two times with him inside you, the last bringing on his orgasm. He collapses on top of you with a moan right in your ear that nearly undoes you yet again – so you can know how good you really are – and the weight of him is once again what brings you back down to earth. Your brain is hopelessly mushy, and your legs are shaking, and you have never been so satisfied.

After a minute, Mingyu pulls out and rolls off of you, chuckling. “Wow,” he says simply.

“Wow,” you agree, blinking rapidly to try and clear your head. 

He props himself up on his side and looks at you, his eyes devouring your body like a man starved. With a shaking hand, he traces the outline of your figure, from the curve of your shoulders to your waist to the widest point of your hips. “Can’t believe how lucky I am,” he says, moony-eyed and smitten. “God, you’re amazing.”

“Was it really that good for you?” you ask him, a little shy.

“Easily the best I’ve ever had,” he says. He sits up, pulling his condom off, and heads into the bathroom, returning in minutes with a towel and some wipes. And then he cleans you, kissing your thighs as he gently wipes you off, and your heart skips a beat as you watch him. Once again, nobody has ever done this sort of thing for you, leaving you feeling odd after every sexual encounter – almost used. 

“Me too,” you say softly, knowing how you must be looking at him. “Do you want to shower?” you ask him when he catches you staring yet again. 

“Yeah,” he says with a smile.

The rest of the evening is spent in comfortable, peaceful companionship. You tease Mingyu over his 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner, and he responds by making out with you in the shower, which leads to both of you almost falling on the slick wet tiles. “Can’t help it,” he says with a laugh when you scold him, gripping the top edge of the shower and holding you around the waist to keep you upright. “I’m addicted to you.”

After the shower Mingyu hands you one of his softest big white t-shirts to wear, snapping several photos of you on his phone when you come out wearing it. “I miss you sometimes,” he explains, and you chuckle. “And I wanna remember tonight. I’m not exaggerating – it’s been the best one of my life.”

Finally, the two of you decide to actually finish Legally Blonde. You fall asleep before it’s over, but he stays up watching the way your eyelashes flutter in sleep, feeling that the sight of you curled up against his chest is the only sight he needs for the rest of his life.

And that’s how you end up spending the entire first night over at Mingyu’s sleeping on the couch in his arms.

***

“It’s Saturday,” you mumble into Mingyu’s neck.

“Mmm,” he agrees sleepily.

“So we can sleep in,” you sigh.

His arms constrict around your waist. “Sara,” he murmurs.

The word makes you open your eyes. The first thing you register is how warm it is – Mingyu’s big body is radiating heat like a furnace, intensified by how snugly he’s holding you against him. So you gently ease off his side and sit up, brushing a kiss over his cheekbone before heading to the bathroom. 

You’re a wreck, your hair a knotty mess, in nothing but Mingyu’s tee. But your eyes — there’s something vibrant in them you haven’t seen in a while. There’s still a sizable amount of grief, a weight you doubt will ever fully be lifted, but you look happier.

You pull out one of the sweaters and a pair of jeans that Bora had packed for you and change, rolling your eyes at the lingerie still sitting in your bag. You’re just finishing up braiding your hair when Mingyu sits up. “Hey, sexy,” he calls across the room into the bathroom, his morning voice low and raspy.

“Hey,” you reply, smiling with the ease only he brings out of you. “How’d you sleep?”

“Really well,” he says, standing up and stretching. Then he comes into the bathroom with you, wrapping his thick arms around your waist and pressing a kiss to the base of the back of your neck. “I love you.”

You lean into his touch and let the joy sweep over you. “Good,” you say firmly. “I love you too, Mingyu.”

“I like the braids,” he says, looking at you both in the mirror, slouching to rest his head on your shoulder. “They’re really cute.”

“Thanks.”

“Maybe I can learn to do them on Sara,” Mingyu says, letting go of you and stepping into his own room and grabbing new clothes. 

You shamelessly watch him as he strips out of his pajamas. “Maybe,” you murmur as he turns, shirtless, and catches you staring.

He grins. “You’re watching me change? Creep,” he teases.

So you make your slow way up to him, stopping just in front of him and sliding a hand from his abs up his chest. “Can’t help it,” you say lightly, watching in satisfaction as his cinnamon skin becomes a mess of goosebumps under your fingers. “You’re irresistible.”

He gives a grumpy sigh. “You better stop, or Sara’s gonna have to wait a couple more days before she sees either of us,” he says, and you are endeared to see that he’s blushing. Mingyu knew the effect you had on him, but that doesn’t make it any easier for him to rebuff you when you’re standing there with the morning light streaming in, lighting up your eyes, dragging your warm fingertips across his chest slowly and deliberately like you just want to savor him. 

His words make you frown, but he gives a light chuckle and kisses your forehead. “Don’t worry,” he reassures you. “We’ll have plenty of time for just us. I’ll make sure of it.” He pulls on his shirt and his sweatpants, then grabs your hand. “Now let’s go see our little girl.”

Your face hurts from smiling so wide, and at this statement, your heart explodes.

***

Aside from all the I-told-you-so’s, the transition from a working relationship to a dating relationship with Mingyu was simple, easy, and absolutely painless. 

He still came over every day. But now Sara watched as you kissed him goodbye in the morning on your way to work. She didn’t seem confused at all by the change, nor did she notice that more and more often Mingyu stayed the night at your house. In her mind, Uncle Googoo was always welcome. It was as natural as breathing.

Maybe it was because you were still doing all of the same things you always did – you’d just added a few. Mingyu had always fit so seamlessly into your life. The two of you were happy, Sara was content, your friends were thrilled – Bora and Wonwoo especially, although Chan also took partial credit – and everything seemed perfect.

And then something shifted, just a tad. It was about a month after you became official. Mingyu spent a bit of time every night searching things up on his laptop. Occasionally, he spent a few minutes outside on the phone, never giving a direct answer when you asked who he’d been talking to.

He never acted off – he was still as affectionate (and insatiable for your body) as ever, so you weren’t nervous he was seeing someone else. Your first concern was that he was shopping for wedding rings. As smitten as you were with him, you worried that was a bit soon for two people who’d only been dating a month (although, admittedly, you’d already filled up a Pinterest board with ideas for the eventual wedding you hoped for). But then, after about two weeks, one of the phone calls comes while Mingyu is making dinner and you’re upstairs in Sara’s room trying to locate her hairbrush, and he can’t suppress a whoop of excitement.

“I need you,” he calls, and you respond by jogging down the stairs with concerned eyes.

“What’s wrong, love?”

“Nothing, I just have some news.” He carefully removes the pan from the stove and comes over to you, pulling you into his arms.

“What is it?” you ask, your hand coming up to touch his cheek.

“They caught him,” he says simply.

“Who, baby?” you ask, confused.

“The guy who hit your sister’s car,” he explains.

Your jaw drops. “What?”

“I’ve been working on it,” he admits. “I have some friends on the force, and a couple of informants leftover from my days as an agent. Someone knew someone who knew the car, and they knew the person who used to drive the car, and it turns out that the parking lot where it was abandoned had security cameras. He’s right there on camera, literally fifteen minutes after the accident. They arrested him two hours ago.”

You are speechless. Mingyu lifts you into his arms, and you bury your face in his neck. “Oh, thank you,” you say through tears when you can finally speak. “So that’s what you’ve been up to.”

“What did you think I was doing?” he asks.

“I literally thought you were looking at wedding rings.”

He laughs. “No,” he says. “Not yet.”

You hear the promise in his voice and know that the future is going to be better than you ever imagined – just like the present is.

[mybrainproblems]

hello, i'm finales georg...

i don't want to further clutter up the notes on this post while responding to the tags below but the persistence of the "finale is short/scenes are missing/extra ad break” conspiracies drives me absolutely bananas when i've watched the finale ten times and have posted about this A LOT trying to clear things up. (disclaimer that yes, i'm a goddamn destiel shipper but i care about Facts above all.)

ok but this is weird because i'd swear the episode was shorter (11 missing scenes!) but okay. maybe we all mandela effected ourselves into #beleving that. because it felt shorter. but i will die on the hill that it had another ad break. i understand this person has the thing #recorded with ads so i am thinking maybe different ad breaks in different idk time zones??? #because the finale did air an hour earlier in canada so maybe idk i am reaching here but maybe different states or whatever had different #ad breaks??? as for the last minute changes - wasn't the cover band asked for permission to use their version of carry on like a week before #the thing aired??? so even if the episode was 42 minutes and had no additional ad break - which i am side eying but lets say all was normal #i will always say they were changing thing until the absolute last minute (carry on my wayward son X 2 #the crew on the bridge which is not only giant 4th wall breaking but also wow they really got all those people in one place in times of #covid???) #anyway. tinfoil hat stays on sorry guys :/ (via @officialmisha)

short and snarky: there are plenty of real and sourced examples of network homophobia and scripted/directed destiel scenes being cut to point to. we don’t need to make this stuff up just bc the finale wasn’t what we wanted. so it’s not the mandela effect — it’s ppl repeating a conspiracy/rumor bc it supports their narrative and it’s easier and more fun to repeat something that supports a narrative they already believe (misha or something destiel was cut) vs the boring act of fact checking.

longer circumspect answer with links bc like many ppl i am in my debunking era and i rewatched "roblox_oof" last night.

like i said. i've watched the finale ten times. i’ve gone over the episode with a fine toothed comb and posted a detailed breakdown of timing marks on my blog. it’s actually extremely obvious where the ad breaks are once you know roughly where to look for them (they have a longer fade to black instead of a quick cut scene change). there’s no room for extra ad breaks and i think this conspiracy/rumor persists in part bc the episode feels so sparse in terms of cast and the fact that the episode’s momentum hits a barn post (and rebar) less than 20min into an hour-long programming block.

also i’m begging ppl to actually look at that timing mark post. it’s very straightforward and i spent a lot of time on it. i don’t care if ppl plagiarize it at this point if it means this conspiracy stops. i've got almost every second accounted for.

the "eleven missing scenes" that you're thinking of are probably from the finale script of questionable authenticity that @spnscripthunt acquired back in 2021 which can be found here. it's dated as the “final draft” from 11 sep 2020 and filming on 15x20 wrapped on 10 sep 2020. as noted at the bottom of this superwiki page "[the] script came from someone claiming to have been the person who did the closed captions for the show in Russia. There are some indications that it possibly may not be authentic, but this has not been confirmed."

if we go with the possibility that this was a transcript meant for subtitles, the "omitted" scenes were probably written but never filmed since it's the "final draft" and not a color revision (blue, green, yellow, etc). unfortunately, i’ve lost track of where i read it and a preliminary duckduckgo search isn’t bringing it up bc there's a program for script writing called final draft, but iirc the “final draft” version of a script is a transcript of what was filmed (e.g. there are parts of that 15x20 script that ended up being deleted scenes on the DVD). spnscripthunt also has an example of a confirmed final draft for 09x02 (funnily enough, also a dabb-penned ep). if anyone can confirm with a source that i have the purpose of the “final draft” version designation wrong, please let me know! i love being proven wrong with Facts.

i do want to acknowledge that the two “final drafts” do look different from each other and the 15x20 one doesn't look like a “real” final draft script since it lacks the revision/versioning dates that a script would normally have on the cover page. it could be that it was intended for subtitles; there's the chance it's been re-typed to anonymize it if there was anything indicating who the "owner" was, tho that seems a wee bit cloak and dagger to me. and again: it's considered of questionable authenticity. there are some things that don't quite line up but oh dear god i don't want to get even further out into the weeds than i already am.

i won't disagree that it's weird as hell that neoni only got asked about using their cover seven days prior to the episode airing (tiktok here). my personal theory is that they were hoping to get a more expensive song (maybe a zepp song, idk) and didn't manage to secure the rights in the end. again: this is pure conjecture on my part! but i could absolutely see someone working on the show hearing neoni’s cover and liking it and then maybe they were using it as a placeholder until it got down to the wire and they had to make a call/send the ep to networks. because yes, it is baffling they played a song and then a cover of it with only a 40 second break between. (i do actually really like the neoni cover! the placement is just weird and i think it could have worked if they had the kansas version at the beginning and closed with neoni's full cover.)

as to the 4th wall break COVID stuff: robert singer talked with variety magazine about filming the last two episodes and the logistics of filming during a pandemic. whether they should have been filming during a pandemic is a separate discussion but their use of office vs set pods, strict quarantining and daily testing meant that they had zero positive tests in the month they were filming (18 aug to 10 sep). so given all that, i personally don’t think it’s totally out of pocket to have everyone standing outdoors on a bridge for maybe an hour to get a drone shot of them together. (i won’t get into incubation periods and viral load, but if everyone tested negative that day and every day for a month prior, it was a fairly low risk scene to film outdoors and for all we know everyone was masked until the last possible second. there were plenty of outdoor masked protests in 2020 that weren't superspreader events.)

and before anyone brings up “but misha was in vancouver!” i know someone who looked into it and they said no dice, nothing matched up between the backgrounds in those pics and places in vancouver. his statements about “us” going back to set over the summer were pretty generic in hindsight and “we”/"us" could be him or the spn crew generally. unfortunately i’m not able to find those tweets but the use of “we” was likely so as not to give away he wouldn’t be returning to set. (bc we were absolutely casbaited!) and bc it comes up a lot: the "onion field pic" was from when they were filming 15x17 and was not taken while filming 15x19 and 15x20.

besides, it would be ridiculous to go through the financial and logistical headaches of bringing someone into the country to film during a pandemic, only to cut their scenes in the end! honestly, the script is pretty tight when the scenes are given so much breathing room! the only thing i could see being further cut down is The Monologue and even then, i don’t think there was any intent to cut it down given it was filmed in fairly long takes.

i’ve said it many times before, but i believe the finale was fucked long before they returned to set. walker got the green light in sep 2019 and it was being marketed heavily as a “follow on” show to spn given jared’s involvement. the demo they were courting for walker has little to no overlap with the demo for destiel fans — why would they want a finale that catered to a demo they weren't interested in courting? we just went through a historic double strike that exposed so much of the rot of business interests overriding creative vision. this isn't completely unfounded conjecture.

i will not apologize for the length of this bc i wanted to be thorough, but i do want to give context that i think the reason these conspiracies and rumors grind my gears so much is because anyone can fact check all of this. the truth is out there and absolutely none of it is that hard to find. the most time consuming/difficult part of this was finding someone who had a DVR’d copy of the finale from when it aired live and they actually found me themselves after i’d been low key asking around for a year!

and like. i get it. conspiracies are fun. but there are so many sourced instances of network homophobia and destiel being cut that it's like. why is this something folks are hanging onto? the cw is notorious for having upper level meddling with finales bc there's a follow-on show they want to shuffle fans along to and spn is no exception.

[jjxkiaraxpopexcleoxjohnbxsarah]

A little bit about me- I'm Malika,She/her,I like to write and make gifs. I am just a young OBX girl who loves Teen Wolf among other things. I am always open to have a convo but if ur male then DNI cos online safety ppl, but no seriously just DNI. Here are all my OBX stories, I hope y'all enjoy them If the title has a 💗 next to it then that means it is completed. Home is You: WRITTEN BY ME AND MY BESTIE @lis4ux "We can't leave him alone," Kiara says, clear worry in her voice. "What?" Pope asks, confused at the topic of conversation. "JJ," she clarifies. "He can't be alone." "Why?" Kiara scoffs. "Because he's in total self-destruction mode," she explains, like that wasn't already obvious

Pogues for Life💗:

Because JJ's gonna be okay and that means John B will be fine too.They don't know yet about the new set of obstacles and challenges that await them, the new enemies the new gold.For now, they are just two boys, holding each other, watching a movie, being Pogues for life.

The Lost Tides Of Kitty Hawk:

What if the roles were reversed? What if instead of kidnapping Kiara, JJ was taken away What will the Pogues do and will Kiara do what JJ did for her?

Warmth in every hug💗:

Each time a Pogue hugged JJ and 1 time they gave him a group hug(requested)

I can't lose you💗:

"How'd you like havin' a gun pulled on you?" JJ said, jabbing his finger on John B's chest. "He had it right here on you, bro."John B gently wraps his fingers around JJ's wrist and says, "Relax."And that's the final straw because the next thing he knows,JJ is crumbling into John B, crying his heart out.

Hold me in your arms💗:

"I can’t lose him, Kie” Kiara looks up at John B and gives a small empathetic smile. “You won’t, no, we won’t”

I wasn't hurt that badly💗:

about JJ at the HOSPITAL

We can't leave JB💗:

Basically the scene from s3 e2 when Pope and Kiara argue with JJ about leaving John B but more detailed

Don't Leave, Just Don't leave me💗:

“Don’t you wanna eat Jajge?"Pope starts as he looks at the Maybank boy.JJ looks defeated,like all the fight has left him and the usual energy that comes with him is not in sight."not hungry”

I think… I love you, so don't leave me💗:

“Go to the chateau"Sarah says- it’s only now Pope realises that she’s practically taken the role of leadership in the last 30 minutes."But JJ needs a hospital not a-”Sarah cuts Topper off,“Chateau now”The drive there is silent apart from Kiara’s sobs.

If only you'd know💗:

He could see Pope sitting alone on the rocks near the shore.John B felt a bit guilty, he was Pope's friend too.But Pope had hurt JJ. His JJ.

Lost in My Past💗:

Not real not real not real-JJ gasps for air as he tugs on his hair-His dad's angry shouts merge with the gunshots.

Gone(But Not Forever):

Starts from s1 ep10 my take on things Some chapters involve Panic attacks, mentions of child abuse John b and Sarah are gone Not dead. Gone A big difference Because they can't be dead they just can't

i may have lost my mind without you💗:

basically i loved pioneer7's fic and i wanted to write a chapter about how the others take care of jj whilst kie was also in the hospital

Header made by an ex-mutual of mine as a gift for me when we were friends- Can't tag her cos she blocked me

[lorephobic]

Because i don't want your inane rambles on my blog I'm just gonna reply in an ask- hi, user gogystyle here, i appreciate that u went to the effort to stalk my blog to figure out i liked dream at one point, very clever of you. Moving on, i see you're really attached to the director of saltburn- we love some personality worship💀💀. I'm not going to look at what she said about the movie, the damn thing is long enough as it is and should stand on its own. And i put it in the tag to piss you off and because the tag is already rancid enough. You're good at stalking, scroll down some more and you should see some more detailed takes i had about the film. But as i see you only have the opinion the director has, which has been spoonfed to you, it's probably best you don't bother. Really nice talking to you, and congrats on being the first lobotomy patient with a tumblr blog!😄😄

baby ur name is gogystyle, i didn't have to do any stalking to know that ur a dream stan. it's okay, we all make mistakes <3

"personality worship" is rich considering i don't know shit about emerald fennell, i just watch and appreciate what she has to say about Her Movie. that she Wrote and Directed. lmao.

the movie absolutely stands on it's own, i was just suggesting supplemental material for those of us who struggle with keeping up. if that's too much homework for u, that's okay. i've found manhunt to be much more accessible to ppl who aren't ready for high school yet. hope u get help!

[layzeal]

What are some of the things that are ace codesd abt wwx? I don’t hear much abt and and am curious!

HIII, okay so as always, "coded" isn't really the right word since it implies authorial intent, but i often use it anyway bc who cares it's my blog. just know i don't think wwx is actually canonically supposed to be demi, it's just a headcanon from silly ol' me!

i do have a #demi-wwx tag you can check if u'd like too hehe

now, what makes wwx come off as SO incredibly acespec/demisexual for me is his approach to... well, relationships in his first life. he's a flirt! he likes teasing people! he likes watching them blush! he likes getting a reaction! but as lwj questions him in the xuanwu cave about, it all seems like very much a game to him, something he does without actual intention, unaware of the torment he might be putting others (lwj) through

i often see people say that wwx didn't date or that wangxian didnt get together in his first life because "they had other things going on" and "there was no time", but that's not only innacurate to post-sunshot, it genuinely comes off to me as if wwx simply has no romantic or sexual interest in anyone at all. granted, he has an eye for pretty things and people, and is VERY vocal about whenever he finds others beautiful. lwj is a common target, but far from the only one!

basically, for as loud as flirty as he can be, we know that's never really genuine. there's no second-intentions or desire in his words (hell, he had even been saving first first kiss for twenty years!!), even when it comes to lwj. and the way we know it is by comparing it all to how he acts, thinks and feels after he's ACTUALLY experiencing attraction for the first time!

but what does have to do with him being demi? and what makes, in my mind, wwx so much more demi coded than lwj for example, whose entire romantic arc is only falling in love with one person?

well, that would be that despite the way it's been romanticized, demisexuality has nothing to do with "only falling in love once". devotion isn't acespec exclusive, choosing to love a single person in your life isn't acespec exclusive. demisexuality is simply a term to describe the specific conditions a relationship might need for an asexual person to experience attraction. those conditions? a strong emotional bond (which is why so many demi ppl are described as "only being able to fall in love with your best friend")

and to me, that's what sells wwx as demisexual the most. he's had so many friends, classmates, xiongdi, and all sorts of companions in his life, but none of them were particularly... emotionally fulfilling. other than perhaps shijie, who he saw more like a mother and sister, there was no one else who he could truly lean on and trust, open up, and be vulnerable with. for many people, that's not a barrier that gets in the way of developing romantic or sexual interest in someone at all, and that's great!! (we see it with lwj himself, who spent so many of his teenage years frustrated for liking wwx and had to slowly realize why that wasn't shameful or a bad thing. lwj's attraction not only came before there was any significant bond between them, it directly blocked it from forming earlier due to lwj's constant avoidance of wwx!)

but for demi people, and for wei wuxian, it is a barrier. it's almost comical just how fast and deeply wwx fell in love with lwj once he opened up to him. it is the most visible in wwx's second life, but i do find there are inklings here and there to it in his first, especially after wwx and lwj get to spend some pleasant time together (ie. post-phoenix mountain and post-yiling date with a-yuan)

but it really does become the most obvious after the yi city arc (drunkji 2 my belovedddd). by that point, their friendship and closeness was already solid, and wwx is already crushing HARD, but isn't quite aware of it yet. it isn't until post-jinlitai stab (and his flashback to his and lwj's youth, how they fell apart and how lwj was only ever worried for him) that he starts pondering if these feelings might be... more than just fondness. and boy do i eat it UUUUUP

it wasn't until wei wuxian got that reassurance of trust and closeness that his feelings truly started to develop. i genuinely cannot imagine a wei wuxian who falls in love with someone who he genuinely believes hates him, and it's actually something i believe stopped wwx from developing deep feelings for lwj in his first life. we know how much all his rejections and their disagreements hurt wwx, and in the back of his mind, he always thought lwj disapproved of him, maybe even disliked him. there was no trust, and it smothered any small, warm little inkling of romantic love from sparking into a flame

so when wwx finds himself with a lwj who is indulgent, who wants to be close, who protects him, comforts him, listens to him, and won't ever let him fall... well, you can't blame him for daydreaming about a calm farm life by his side, or being embarrassed for acting so shameless while still pretending to be mxy, or wishing from the bottom of his heart that even if lwj doesn't love him back, he'll still stay next to him

he only ever wanted lwj to be his friend, and now he's the closest and most intimate one he's ever had. and he treats him so well... all the barriers have fallen, how could wei wuxian not fall too?

(and i didnt rly get into it but this all applies to physical attraction as well! wwx behaves and sees lwj's beauty through two different lenses in his first and second life, and wwx himself noticed the difference from when he could see lwj's nakedness back then without batting an eye VS now. it's hilarious, endearing, and EXTREMELY relatable!!)

[drawnaghht]

Yuichi Usagi is [SURNAME] [given name]

lol I've written abt it before going into more specifics & making theories, but this post is just to clear it up again as a general ref for newer fans reading old or new posts abt it and finding themself confused... edit3(15.1): rightfully so! if you've ever watched more than 5 anime or just read some manga, you might recognize that Yuichi is most commonly a given name in Japan. Even viewers familiar with japanese would have made the same assumption. But the show itself uses it as a first name, so it becomes confusing. After jan 6th we found the behind-the-scenes lore for that too.

- clearest tell in the show itself that Usagi is his first name - his auntie calls him Usagi. What auntie calls their sole nephew or close family member by their family name? ... which would have to be her own family name then too...???

Secondly. He introduces himself as Usagi the more he's in the city. First as Yuichi Usagi, but then after a few chases, he gives up and introduces himself to Kitsune as "Usagi"in the 1st episode. boy wants to be known as Usagi haha.

edit 2 (8.1.2024): as of 6.01 we have official confirmation that this is fact + a little backstory! Yuichi is the boy's surname

the whole show, all the other characters use japanese naming convention - e.g. Gen introduces himself as Murakami Gennosuke to the Bat Squadron. it seems the other younger characters call each other by given name basis because they're either all around the same age or don't feel like using family names for each other. Often characters don't have family names because they're orphans (Chizu, Kitsune, Hana). Or it's the only name they go by in general (Tetsujin, Lady Fuwa).

it's that simple! you can headcanon whatever but at least know the show itself has named him this way.

I've already written about this b4 too but Yuichi can very rarely be a family name (apparently). there might be other reasons the show crew gave him Yuichi as a family name, but if that doesn't cut it, you can always adopt my theory that he has a rare two given names.

But yeah, the show makes it clear that Usagi is his first name. It's a spinoff based on Usagi Yojimbo and some of its stories and ideas, and made by fans of the comic and Stan's work. They decided to give him this name, for whatever reasons, and it's his name used in the show. There's too much much work in the show itself for them to give him a random name either, "just because they're ignorant" or even just bc they didn't research. They clearly did or the show wouldn't have some surprising elements to it as a spinoff or as a past+future combo of japanese aesthetics.

Him and the comics' original Usagi, Miyamoto Usagi can share a first name. I know it looks confusing coming from other shows where evryone has specific names. I know it's just generally confusing as a tmnt fan... but their names and tags can co-exist as-is. maybe i don't get out enough into other shows but I've never seen a fanbase stretch themselves so into a pretzel over characters sharing their first name. also Miyamoto Usagi is based on a famous historical samurai, more precisely - Miyamoto Musashi. His movie depiction was what inspired Stan Sakai in the 80s... ppl in real life share first and last names very often so it just doesn't bother me personally that they share one name, but not their family name. So I don't get anymore why ppl are upset that his name is a combo of two first names... I believe there's also a irl children's book author named Usagi Yuichi (maybe pseudonyms being animal names is more common in japan?idk) so I wonder if the crew knew about that 🤔

clearing this up again bc every time I see someone say smth about this show and it's some misunderstanding on top of a misconception, I just wanna make a simple chart to explain things lol. but i don't know if ppl would care even. I know ppl sorta dislike this show or don't care abt it anyways. but then... why talk about it? why share info like a fan who knows or cares about it... and then it's false info... so idk, if they're not a fan, don't take them at face value, but even if they're a fan, it's easy to share info without a source and have others think it's real. Be ready for info to change or your first impressions to break. I've mostly only theorised or drawn from the show itself so far, but even things I say might change if other evidence is provided. So... lol lets all just read into this show calmly I guess.

edit (7.1.2024): lol another thing to add that I didn't think about: there's a 1000 years between the generations of Miyamoto Usagi and Yuichi Usagi. so them not having the same surname would be considered quite normal (and so far, no evidence to conclusively say that M! Usagi is a grandpa... the scene between Usagi and his auntie in the evening in ep 1 also seems to allude that there are many generations between the og era and the future era and that Usagi's auntie is speaking of her own direct great grandfather and Miyamoto Usagi separately...

Anyway. That's all! Hope this is helpful to newer fans.

[paperpeachy]

i hope your last tag wasn't sarcastic because i for one would really like to hear more details about how mimi and the bleck gang sounded in the original dialogue (i don't know where to find this stuff and there's always been misinformation abound in the fanbase)

OMG...! omg ok straightens jacket. fixes hair. WELL IN THAT CASE.......!!!

i used to sit down and translate random pm lines all the time back in da day, but i have no idea where i jotted them all down but i will try scrawling a few things i remember off the top of my head... i am going to start off strong w dimentio, i think a lot of ppl already know he speaks in a fairly feminine-way-for-a-man, with ♡'s and ~'s n all... he also has lil variations of referring to the cast (eg: L-rin, mademoiselle peach. he drops this habit by the end of the game, simply calling them by name) generally polite, mixed w some french. there is also this infamous line that i see a lot of both jpn fans/lpers going ?!?! at:

「フフフ…キミはボクだけのものだ…ルイージ！ だから一緒に…」

^ for anyone who wants to play arnd w google translate lawll. in eng, he simply says, 'i have you now…luigi!!' or something. but here i think he's saying 'hehehe, you belong only to me…luigi! so, let's do this together'. i've watched lpers be like 'what?? does he like luigi/whoaaa yandere...' and his fanwiki is tagged under 'ホモ疑惑' so.....make of that what u will....yaoi wins <3

-

mimi uses 'atashi' to refer to herself, somewhat casual/feminine, speaks in third person in front of the count, and switches to an exaggerated kansai dialect when angered. basically the punk anime boy voice (the english trope equivalent would usually b a brooklyn or texan accent)

((i think the best examples i can think of that fit this archetype are aquarius from fairy tail(speaks in kansai when berating lucy, but speaks all cutesy in front of her bf), or keima's mum from twgok (speaks in a fairly pleasant way, switches to kansai when angered bc of her past of being involved in a biker gang.) maybe a better known one would be celestia ludenberg's whole situation, but I'm not sure if hers is kansai <--going off topic))

for perspective, like i mentioned, tape speaks in the exact same way. they even repeat similar crass phrases: " カクゴしとけや～！！" (which i think means 'be prepared/to die' IDK IN ALL HONESTY but they sound v similar in audio. which i think is fun ovo)

her fanwiki brings up 'burriko' in re: to all that. it's a term for women who put on a childish act 'in front of men', but have a completely different personality in other settings. which i think is rlly inch resting.. the wiki page for this term calls this 'a set of tools employed to mask the self...' so i think it rlly adds an extra layer to the whole 'mimi acts fake to get what she wants' thing. slay honestly

i'll try making a separate post of other small things i discovered...like, i know something mimi says to set peach off is calling her 'oba san' which i thought was a lil hysterical. anyway disclaimer im not a jpn speaker so i may not be the most reliable but ! this is just for fun anyway ! im rlly glad ur interested anon and i hope this was insightful to u !!!

[atxxzist]

broken | c.s (preview)

series masterlist

pairing: choi san x reader

word count: 674

"how do you guys think seoul people are gonna act like? are all the rumors true?" yunho speaks from beside you; he's another blessing that came with the package.

shortly after forming somewhat of a friendship with mingi, which solely consisted of him pestering you and sticking his nose where it doesn't belong, he introduced you to yunho, his best friend.

and what were the odds that the only kid who actually bothered with you, would be your next door neighbor as well.

it was then that you met his parents and it very much explained where mingi got his mannerism from. though he has his moments.

"yeah. are they as stuck-up as everybody say? do they drink until morning--"

''--mingi, almost everyone drinks until morning. even back in that old town of ours," mr. song cuts.

mingi spares his father one glance and scoffs.

"yeah tell me about it, father. tell me how you grew that big belly of yours that is two months past due."

you and yunho chuckle quietly in the backseats, accustomed to their father-son banters.

mr. song hisses under his breath and snaps a quick headlock at mingi before moving his eyes back to the road.

"if i wasn't driving, i'd slap that mouth of yours," he says, "why can't you be more like yunho?"

"what!?" mingi voices in disbelief. "he was the one who started it!"

"oh..." he continues, "i know what this is about. it's cause i'm gay and you want a daughter-in-law after seeing minji and yunho."

both you and yunho roll your eyes at the boy's dramatic act.

it was something mingi had told you only a couple weeks after you got to know him. it's still mind-boggling how fast he trusted you, but he said he just did. something about you.

and a year later, he confessed to his parents. afraid at first of course, who wouldn't be. only to get a slap on the head by mr. song, not because he was gay, but because he had snuck out with you after mr. song specifically told him to watch the stove.

safe to say, he almost burned their house down that day. but the constant stealing of mrs. song's makeups and the hidden collection of boy band posters under mingi's bed kind of gave it away.

"yeah, sure," mr. song replies with a dry sarcasm. mingi rolls his eyes.

"anyways! about the dorms, i'm excited!" he diverts.

"i don't know..." you mumble.

you had wanted a lone room to yourself--those were an option. but neither you, nor mingi and yunho, knew very much about the process. everything is new to you all. so by the time you guys had signed up, there were only leftovers.

meaning you're going to have a roommate; possibly one that's gonna have to put up with you for the next four years.

you don't know how to feel about that. especially a stranger.

so while mingi and yunho are esctastic about the mystery of their new roommates, which you're sure they won't have a problem becoming best bud with within a week span, you on the other hand, is dreading it.

"come on, y/n. it'll be fun," mingi attempts to lighten from the front.

yunho nods along. "yeah. and maybe even if your roommate turns out to be a major buzzkill, think about everything else. you're in a new city now. it's a fresh start."

"right," mingi agrees, "you need it, y/n. after everything you've been through. this is going to be great, i already have a feeling."

and for once, mr. song is onboard with his son. you see a smile on him from the rearview mirror.

"you're going to have a good time, sweetheart."

"i can't wait to see who's the hunk that i'm gonna be sharing a room with," mingi suddenly says, like his father isn't just right next to him.

mr. song shoots him a glare and mingi clears his throat, drawing back.

"i mean--"

you and yunho erupt into a fit of laughters.

a/n: i tagged the ppl that wanted to be on the taglist 4 this too. i wasnt sure since its not the full thing but i just did sorryyy

taglist: @sorryimananti-romantic @revehosh @cookiechristie @avantalem @atiny68 @belletiny @shibera @mochibabycakes

[beautifulpersonpeach]

I’ve recently started watching enhypen vlogs and behind the scenes, I really like their kind of chill dynamic? Especially mother hen/hot uncle jay who is so far my bias…I can kinda see the jaywon, in that Choom vid you linked on your other blog especially, but I think ppl going looking for something to fill the jikook void are gonna be disappointed. I’d describe what I noticed so far as being similar in the sense of an intangible quality, sometimes just an expression or a look that if you’ve ever felt that way, you know. Kinda why I think trying to argue a ship is pointless, it’s all just subjective. Like to me, the way jikook look and speak to each other and the things they do for each other is so similar to me and my partner that of course it affects how I see them and there’s no possible way to convey that experience to another person, and no need to. lol what a ramble, sorry

if ppl are interested in them I really recommend just jumping into their vlogs, there’s a really good one where jay, jungwon and sunoo go to a pool LOL sunoo my queen….also the one where jaywon and jake randomly climb namsan tower and drag a staff along LOL I really loved that, it felt so loose….i haven’t got through them all though so would love if you had any others to suggest! (Not specifically jaywon, just in general)

***

Their dynamic is my favourite thing about them. After a group like BTS I don't think I can handle a second group that's chaotic in the same way, so their dynamic feels like a perfect fit for everything I like right now. The way their personalities play off each other is so cool to watch.

And about jaywon...

Jaywon are a problem for me because I've been watching them since the beginning. I understand what you're trying to say in comparing them to jikook. Just in terms of time spent, jikook's relationship is far more mature and established than anything happened with jaywon. But the thing is, with jaywon it only becomes more damning with every year that passes. And I've watched it happen. Maybe I'm just attached, but I think it's possible there's something there. If you only just got into them and there's already a few headscratchers for you then I doubt I'm far off in my guess.

I second your rec on their vlogs. Their lives too are really good in-ways to figuring out the guys.

Someone asked me to not tag jikook when talking about jaywon, and I understand why, but it's also how I keep track of posts on my blog. Overtagging seems to be the only thing that works now that Tumblr's search function has gone to shit. But then again, I really don't want to spam the jikook tag with enha posts so I hope simply typing it several times in the post body does the job.

[bluemouseblackpad]

Tag ppl you wanna know betteeer

Tagged by: @somaisbatman

Last song: "Born Under Punches (The Heat Goes On)" by Talking Heads has been my latest major earworm. I just made it the new opening of the playlist I’ve been slowly building for the BBEG of my D&D campaign. “Take a look at these hands! The hands of a government man”

Favorite Color: I genuinely loved the red that @somaisbatman picked but for the sake of individuality I'll say the type of pink/lilac/violet-y color that clouds take on at sunset

Currently Watching: umpteenth rewatch of Twin Peaks: The Return with friends. I also started Nichijou with friends recently, which is hysterical

Last Movie: A few: Rewatched The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover, probably a top 10-or-20 all-timer for me, since I had been thinking about the late great Michael Gambon; Patlabor 2 (without any context for the rest of the franchise), which was really interesting and beautifully animated and made me want to get mechapilled; and The World's Greatest Sinner, a film directed by and starring notorious Hollywood hanger-on Timothy Carey, about the meteoric political rise of a former insurance salesman who wants to empower the American people with immortality. To quote @impish-lion, it is a glimpse into the mind of your father's weirdest friend. He also compared the protagonist to Euron Greyjoy in that he barely registers as a human being, mainlines a Mystery Juice definitely illicit in nature, and fancies himself a god

Currently Reading: Too many books. I'm making my way through The Lord of the Rings for the first time, which, y'know, it's great. Fevre Dream by George R.R. Martin is pretty good so far, and it's interesting to see earlier stages for a lot of ideas that get more fleshing out in ASOIAF. Also by GRRM we have A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms, which like LOTR has taken me embarrassingly long to pick up. I'm slowly inching through The Dark Forest by Cixin Liu, which I'm determined to finish because I really liked its predecessor, even if this trilogy is a little out of my usual wheelhouse. Manhunt by Gretchen Felker-Martin is great even if I need to put it down for a few weeks at a time. And lastly Inherent Vice by Thomas Pynchon, at whose midpoint I've been stalled for about a year. I'm loving it, I've just seen the movie so many times, and also as you can see I've got a lot on my plate already lol

Sweet/spicy/savory: Spicy

Relationship status: Single (not working super actively to change this, but I am talking very casually to people on the apps, more to feel Desired than anything. at least one connection seems promising so We Shall See. I just want to kiss cool queer people lol)

Current Obsessions: I'm in a bit of an obsession-rut, barring like, the actually obsessive things I do, i.e. washing my hands over and over lmao. I really want to rewatch the The Terror for Halloween season, that will definitely become an obsession if I do. I've also been playing lots of Baldur's Gate III but I wouldn't say that's at Obsession Status.

Last googled: the release date for Killers of the Flower Moon. I'm busy that weekend :(

Currently working on: My video editing reel. The next arc of my D&D campaign (no idea when I'll actually be running it, but I feel really confident that I've basically got it all mapped out. I've been running it for several years now and much as I'll miss it when it's finished, I am incredibly happy to wrap it up soon lol). I've also taken to writing creatively more in my free time recently which has been nice. EDIT: oh, also my mental health/gender/interpersonal relationships but that’s not Currently so much as Perennially lol

tagging my irl friend @impish-lion even though I know him pretty well. also tagging mutuals @visenyaism/@soupseason, @moss-sprouted and @pigeonz/@melasshai. Nobody do this if you don't want to lol

[sextonsharpwinhalstead]

Yeah, I was trying to say without saying and being more long-winded than I already was. That there are a lot of men in the Med writer's room. And that was the quickest thing they could do without completely damaging her character. But it was just enough that it would tack on to everything else they already had planned and I refuse to believe the writers and showrunners don't understand how negative storylines will also get a character trashed especially black and other nonblack poc characters. Because there's no way they thought their writing in 5 made sense. From her and Choi openly flirting in the ED for the first time in what 3 seasons. Then her random crush on Marcel, the kiss. Then her not exactly apologizing for it and being sort of callous when she's still working with CM and Ethans offended. And lord Ethan crying to Ms. Goodwin yeah that will really get to the fans, especially the anti-Chexton fans who want to make it clear they're not anti-the actress they're just so ToXiC. While forgetting that Halstead was a total asshat to Natalie in the beginning and they fought and broke up for dumb sxxt too. And all the people still crying over Ava and Rhodes all these years later as if it isn't weird that all Ava did was basically neg Connor and Robin in the beginning. How is that not toxic? And if April is a B like everyone claims then Choi needs to were an asshole hat too.

I search the tags when I can't sleep and the number of fans losing their shit here and on Twitter when April probably has been on the screen for longer than 30 minutes in the 2 episodes we've actually seen her face is insane. Many of them are mad because their fave isn't back, so that's one aspect. The others are laughing because her show was canceled and basically doing everything but calling her u---ty for daring to leave. And swearing that she's only back because of that when there is evidence to the contrary. We can't hold our breath but if the spoilers I've seen aren't OC trolling us with pictures from scrapped storylines, then these haters better prepare to be sick of me. Because I won't rest if Chexton gets the happy ending Brian wanted in 2020.

There are always too many men. That's it that's the thought lol. The way they play in our face like we don't notice is wild.

The more I thougut about it the more I think that they added Marcel because they remembered that April started the show with a fling with Kelly. Which meant that she was capable of that kind of fun hookup. The problem is they didn't do ANYTHING to further that in six seasons. Neither before or after Ethan. And they are capable of it because we've watched Will and Connor bone their way through Chicago. Like a common problem with One Chicago is they forget to write anyone who isn't white a love interest/personal lives. They forget that many fans find them desirable.

Back when they introduced the Marcel/April story and everyone was crying and whining in my f*cking inbox about poor Ethan I wanted to make a meme of Vicki sipping tea because ETHAN CHEATED ON HER WITH APRIL and NEVER came clean. It was just kiss for both of them but you'd think that April murdered his sister the way people act. Or that Ethan wasn't capable of the same. I guess because it was in service to Chexton no one cared. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I truly believe Chexton is going to get a hopeful ending. Yaya is on her way to joining the cast of The Lincoln Lawyer, it's Netflix which is about as bad as Fox so I hope it works out but I think Yaya was interested in giving her character the closure she deserved and Ethan too. I just like knowing April finished her program and works independently. Now she gets love too and folks can die mad about it.

You don't have to like Chexton but folks might wanna check why they are so bitter seeing these two characters happy in a farewell, KNOWING Ethan has grown is... telling.

And yes it's wild that ppl still bitch about Ava and Rhodes and Manst*ad. Those ships were toxic AF. You have to be an Ava apologist to pretend you didn't see how batshit she was the ENTIRE time, people are like "you ruined her" and I'm like, "Are yall okay?!" Natalie was snotty AF to Will and Will was misogynistic AF to Natalie. Everyone hated her and only cared about her in that ship. Mess.

[rainysunrise]

tv tag game!

— list 8 shows for your followers to get to know you better. tagged by dearest @simplymakkari (I’m a month late to this i’m sorry lmao)

1. Fleabag (2016-2019)

Do I even have to explain? This is an absolute masterpiece in terms of storytelling. The dark humor is perfect, the trouble, the character creation, the romance, the way it shows how love can be painful but still beautiful and change us in so many ways ahhhh, it absolutely broke me and I still rewatch it whenever I need a punch in the face and a good cry but also ! When I just want to make myself feel better about how fvcked up I am lmao highly recommend

2. The Haunting of Hill House (2018)

Listen- I am a great fan of horror, a connoisseur if I can say so myself. And I’d say this is simply the best horror story I’ve ever seen with my own eyes. It has everything, the pain, the beauty, THE REPRESENTATION. And Victoria Pedretti that brought Nell Crain to life in such a way that she became my ultimate comfort character (which probably isn’t that good but shh). I recommend for everyone to watch, if not for the story then for the plot twist alone because it is brilliant.

3. Hannibal (2013-2015)

Do I even need to explain? lmao The gay art piece that altered my brain chemistry in ways I can’t possibly explain at an age way too young AND I REGRET NOTHING, this is culture (with a trademark) And if you haven’t seen it where have you been????

4. YOU (2018-)

Came for Victoria Pedretti, stayed for everything else. Honestly, I expected it to be awful from everything I’ve heard and seen but the storytelling is brilliant (even though sometimes I want to throw my laptop out the window) and I don’t know what they put in it but I can’t let this show go. AND NOW WITH GOLDROSE A HANNIGRAM CODED ROMANCE?? Say no more, I will stay til the end. Although I don’t think it’s for everyone tbh. (check out my goldrose fics thanks)

5. Supernatural (2005-2020)

Oh, boy, are there even words to describe it? The show that absolutely changed my life by throwing me into the fandom madness in highschool and introduced me to twitter and instagram editing damn. It has everything, monsters, magic, myths, legends, every possible plot line and trope you could think of and DESTIEL most iconic couple of this site so. Yes. Don’t watch it.

6. The Boys (2019-)

Got sick of Marvel, moved on to evil superheroes, and got hooked. Also did it for Jensen Ackles before he even came on the show and was not disappointed. Y’all can find it controversial but this show is so good in my opinion, most of the time you can’t even expect what’s going to happen and the character arcs are chef's kiss. Highly recommend ONLY if you are able to stand a lot of gore and nudity, it is a bit rough. (comic books are also super cool)

7. Shadow and Bone (2021-)

Wasn’t gonna put it here, but! It is my newest obsession and made me come back to books after a very long time (I am currently reading the soc duology). I am absolutely in love with it, the crows especially, the couples?? Kanej?? Helnik?? Wesper?? All of the characters separately?? Mark me down as mad, I can’t get enough of it, I already know it’s about to be my favorite for years to come.

8. Over The Garden Wall (2014)

Just think about it guys: A cartoon, vintage style, fairytale style, with horror motifs an amazing plot, and amazing characters, that makes you want to curl up with a cup of tea during an autumn rainy day and just enjoy yourself. It makes me soft, comfort show fr and I rewatch it every Halloween because it also has a Halloween setting (in a way). I recommend it to anyone. Honorable mentions: Killing Eve, Merlin, Sherlock, Good Omens, Normal People, The Last of Us, OMFD etc etc (I could go on for hours)

tagging: @thefiresgone @ashksa @abliafina-18782 + anyone else who wants to (i don't know too many ppl here lmao sorry)

[mrsgojosatoru]

Please don’t be a fan of stranger things the creators are extremely antisemetic (they’ve even made a hotel out of an actual place known for imprisoning and mass killing Jewish ppl and Russian dissenters. They have an area in that hotel dedicated to getting numbered tattoos/labels.) it’s not worth any of the good stuff in it.

so because i'm a popular culture scholar, like ... watching and engaging with popular culture is something i actually have to do, for the thing that i am studying. let me preface my statement with that. the amount of times i'm asked "did you watch x" "did you listen to y" blah blah blah so i can give my opinion on it is like more than i can count. so yeah i watched stranger things because i can't actually have an opinion on something i haven't seen. (i am also routinely asked to participate in writing about these things, so watching it helps, should i find myself on the receiving end of an email asking me to write an essay about it. i usually find myself on the receiving end of being asked to write on sci-fi shows. i've been asked to write on buffy, angel, the x-files, twin peaks and dr. who to name a few. it sucks when i have to turn down opportunities to publish because i don't know the media.)

my tags on that post, expressing my love of the subtitles in stranger things has little to do with how i feel about the show. so i have had a fascination with subtitles and the decisions that go into what becomes a subtitle since my undergrad when i had a guest lecturer talk about how they study subtitles. and they talked about the choices that go into them. and how decisions about accessibility on them are made. and how like even stuff like plot elements can be revealed too early if the person subtitling isn't thinking about stuff like when or if a character's name should be revealed.

my "i love these subtitle descriptions, they made watching so fun" has nothing to do with being a fan of stranger things (the show frankly hasn't been good since season 1), and more that the subtitles being as descriptive as they were brought me joy. i think if you really think about it that my biggest joy from the show were the subtitles, that should tell you how much i enjoyed the content.

i also was already aware of the antisemtisim, i think that is a completely valid reason to boycott the show. i often just do not get the luxury of simply not engaging with media the way other people do, such is the life of a popular culture scholar.

[seadeepy]

10 fandoms, 10 characters, 10 tags

Finally, a tag game I'm going to absolutely ace, pun intended!!

tagged by: @queerofthedagger (and I think @schitthappens, a while ago)

rules: List ten of your fandoms and your favorite character from each!

BBC Merlin — Merlin

Schitt's Creek — Alexis Rose

The Locked Tomb Series — Palamedes Sextus

Star Trek — Spock

House MD — James Wilson

Star Wars — Obi-Wan Kenobi

Mob Psycho 100 — Mob

The Sandman — Dream of the Endless

Leverage — Eliot Spencer

ATLA — Toph Beifong

tagging: @unconventionalcat @st4rm41d @blackandwhiteandrose @vanillahigh00 @januarium @paintedpigeon1 @zaharya @schweetheart @thewildmother @sspaz1000 (do my SC friends even have 10 fandoms? time to find out :P)

More yelling about my choices under the cut, which isn't required but I'm psychologically compelled to do it:

Merlin — I almost put Gwaine, but the thing about Merlin is... he's so kind despite his loneliness. He's so brave despite his grief. And his devotion to Arthur is beautiful, even when it's also heartbreaking. I love how much he cries, but also how much he cries and kicks ass anyway, which is something fic writers seem to miss a lot of the time. He's emotional but he's also very capable.

Alexis — haha, surprise!!! I love D/P as a ship so goddamn much, but Alexis' character growth is fucking unparalleled. Annie Murphy's acting choices are phenomenal — just watch KCFH to see how much of Alexis' persona was carefully manufactured as character-building, not Annie's actual mannerisms. And to go from a vapid socialite to a boss-ass businesswoman who is nonetheless very fashion-forward and still, at times, incredibly silly? I love that. I love her. More women like her on TV, please.

Palamedes — Another hard choice between him and Gideon, but my brain is locked in Sixth House mode right now. I relate way too much to Pal, and I also love him. A certified nerd who's deeply compassionate. His deep love for Camilla and his protectiveness over her, which is kind of hilarious considering his noodle arms and her terrifying competence. The fact that he looked at the Ninth House and decided they were friend material, when they didn't know it themselves and were actively hostile to the entire idea. He worked out the secret to Lyctorhood before anybody else did, and decided it just wasn't for him, thanks? Because he didn't want to do that to Cam? And (spoilers for later books!!!!) the way he's so fucking badass that he and Cam worked out another way that even Jod hadn't figured out??? Goddamn. Just call me Archivist Juno Zeta, because that nerd boy is my SON.

Spock — TOS most specifically. I hardly need to explain my love for maybe THE most iconic Star Trek character of all time, but I will anyway. Autistic and gay icon, hilarious dry wit, shining devotion to his captain. (If you're noticing a pattern with my favorite characters, no you aren't.) Science-y boy who doesn't fit in anywhere, but has people who love him. Also I love his banter with Bones.

Wilson — He's a bit like Aziraphale, where he's just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing. His relationship with House is so fucked up but at the same time he's a doormat to everybody and House lets him be MEAN and that's actually really important? Ppl look at their relationship on the surface and don't get it because they think Wilson is so kind and sweet and he is but he's also kind of a dick. Idk I just contracted COVID so I'm suspecting the rest of this post is going to start making less and less sense.

Obi-Wan Kenobi — I'm a sucker for characters like him. Kind and compassionate and selfless, but also hilariously sarcastic sometimes. Licherally the perfect Jedi, and loves Anakin so much but couldn't be everything he needed in the end. I blame the war tbh. I also love reading books from his perspective because releasing your feelings into the Force is some excellent mindfulness shit that we could all use some more practice in.

Mob — Mob is awesome because he's already the most powerful psychic. Like, that's never a question. The question is what will trigger him using his powers, what emotions he's feeling, and his own moral questions about obliterating other people with his super-powerful psychic abilities. And I think that's awesome! He's a lot like Merlin, really. Compassionate and really doesn't want to wipe the floor with you, but he will if he's forced into it.

Dream — hehe he's just so angsty all the time and I love that. Plus, galaxy eyes. I read the comics a looooong time ago, but I just bought one of the new collections and I'm gonna re-read them all.

Eliot — Okay Eliot is just. He's so. His thing about "I only use violence as an appropriate response" followed by immediately decking Sterling kinda sums him up. I love that he's so grumpy and "hostile" to the team but it's literally all bark and no bite because physically he would never, ever hurt them. But he will absolutely show up and beat the shit out of anyone else threatening them. Tiny angry man with fabulous hair. My beloved.

Toph — Yeeaaaaaaaaaaaa! I don't really need to explain why Toph rocks, but I love that she's a tiny feral gremlin girl. Like, a VERY angry ten-year-old who's out here inventing forms of earthbending that have never been seen before. She rocks, pun intended. And I refuse to believe she would become a cop. That chaos demon of a girl??? Nooooo

[logicalstansadvice]

Why would you read and nitpick the words of someone you profess to despise and hate so much, as soon as he posts them?/ There is something called maddiction, an addiction to righteous outrage. "The more outraged we are at others, the purer we feel. The purer we feel, the more we assume it's our duty to be outraged at others." For these people outrage at someone else's failings evaporates all recollection of their similar failings. When outraged, they feel righteous which leads to more outrage.

Anon 2: I don't like a bunch of celebrities for various reasons, >> Me too. I have some accounts blocked because I don't care what they do. I was in a session with a psychoanalyst, and this woman started to report the problem she had with a person at work, and he said that she needed to pay attention to what she said, his behavior did not affect her life and the work. She had to wonder why it bothered her so much? Seb haters need to know why they care so much about him.

Anon 3: I have yet to see a misstep of his that makes me think it was malicious intent on his end, but I have definetly come to terms with the fact that he's seemingly lacking quite some awareness and foresight (and his team too, apparently). // My thoughts exactly. I think his missteps come more from naiveté and ignorance than malice, and his PR team – who should be the ones to look out for that – doesn't help at all.

Anon 4: He said nothing that wasn’t incredibly kind. >> This. What he posted he had already said in interviews during the promo. There was nothing new.

Anon 5: with receipts of them hyping up Elvis, Ana de armas’ in blonde, Lizzie olsens HBO >> False activism. Most don't care what they complain about, they're furious that Seb received an Emmy nomination. If they cared, they wouldn't be pretending to support a woman who said the Playboy guy didn't exploit women.

Anon 6: What’s iffy to me is putting the worst possible interpretation on a simple tag// anon, Pamela made it clear she wants nothing to do with this series and still he decided to tag her. How would you feel if the worst moment of your life was being played again for millions of people. You keep excusing everything Seb does and refuse to treat him like an adult that makes his own decisions. This whole thing proves he does not care who he hurts as long as it gets him more fame and money.

Anon 7: For me the issue is the lack of awareness to say that the show is about denouncing lack of consent while at the same time violating the consent of the main victim. Seb makes it worse with his post, especially by tagging Pam. I really hope that the Emmy nom was worth it because this project has made a lot of people look at him in a negative light and it might hinder his career in the long run.

Anon 8: All these people who are painting Pam as the victim don’t realise that she herself doesn’t care for ‘victims’. During the Harvey Weinstein case, she straight up blamed the women for the assaults and idk what to call this awful behaviour. Of course what happened to her was terrible, but no need to paint her as a saint. Also she still has a good relationship with Tommy as far as we know.

Anon 9: I watched P&T and I kindda understand why he wrote and tag Pam in recent his IG post. The show was about Pam and Tommy was not a good person but he was also a person who loved Pam. I assume ppl who complaint didn’t watch the show so they will not understand and I got it. And refer to Reddit post, it the same user who seem to cancel or witch hunt Seb. They post negatively about Seb many time. So it was just a hate post, nothing interesting there.

Anon 10: Why would you read and nitpick the words of someone you profess to despise and hate so much, as soon as he posts them? / My favorite part is when they show up in his comment section as soon as he posts, preaching, screeching and ranting, like he's right there and can listen to their bullshit and vile insults. They look like the proverbial madman talking to the walls, but they call this unhinged behaviour "calling him out". Like he's not fed up with their insanity since 2018, lol.

Anon 11: The staircase too. The family said they were traumatized again by the series. No one is sending hate to the series. / The Staircase would be a good example if you necessarily want to be "outraged" by a show inspired by real life events. It was a murder - which, whatever you might say, is more serious than a sex tape -, the family is against it, and, what is worse, they tried to contact the family after filming the series. However, never in a million years would cross my mind to hate the actors.

Anon 12: "I get what he was trying to say, he just used to many words to convey it." Look, he knows he's not winning. This was his one last chance to really thank everyone involved and to again direct people to what he thought was important about the show. He did, and if you honestly believe mentioning Pam or tagging her is some huge deal that deserves cancelling him again instead of a kind, inclusive gesture toward her, there's something very, very wrong with you.

Lady Danger - This project will not hinder fuck all in his career. He is not the first actor or actress to be in a controversial project and he won’t be the last. If you do not like him for whatever reason: