#not to Start shit but literally every time one of u rbs a post by b*sexualrowena i wanna rb and go off in the tags about how

[coureirsix]

sjdhjfs

[poursomesunaonme]

writer appreciation !!

@maries-gallery sent out a post months ago that i forgot to rb with my own so i just decided to post myself hehe

anyways, my gal @maries-gallery never fails to immerse me in whatever scenes she writes ! u constantly amaze me babe and yall when she throws that good good french dirty talk into her fics… i MELT

@ob-levi-on if anyone can make me simp for giyuu more than i already do, it’s cielo. her characterization is on point ! works wonders when my imagination runs a little short >:)

@princess-jaeger / @erenergic if anyone needs an eren fic, ill send aleks’ entire masterlist. she never fails to astound me with her creativity and plot and dear god this shit is THICK with content so GOGOGO

@cyancherub cassie dear GOD cassie’s entire masterlist is god-tier. anything. literally anything. the amount of kinks ive discovered for myself while reading their work - embarrassing.

@killerbananas in addition to being one of the most wonderful human beings ive ever met (and helping me start this blog all those months ago), i can dive headfirst into a literal sentence that kb writes. the vocabulary??? the grip on language??? i am always in awe.

@lacheri who knew that i could fall in love with levi so many times ? cherry’s masterlist is chock-full of goodies that i need to reread every month otherwise i’ll keel over and die

@whats-her-quirk my jean-bo sisterwife - just when i think i can’t love jean more, juney hits me with the most scrumptious shit ever to hit tumblr’s dash

@thegetoufather ever need a thousand feelings while reading something ? try out aman’s masterlist. never have i blushed and cried so many times in one sitting.

@postwarlevi eliza’s mind !!! dear god !!! my heart skips a beat at her work :’) you can tell how big of a heart she has in how much her writing lifts your spirits

@bakatenshii … i have no words. jk i have thousands. angle’s work has me on a whole other plane of existence. who knew i would be comatose on the floor with a literal paragraph???

@bokutosdove in addition to being one of the funniest people on the mf planet, no one has me simping over beefcakes more than lani ! (seriously tho if u ever need reaction media, hit my baby up)

@putridsimp my fellow monsterfucker and villain apologist, no one gets the gears grinding for those hoes more than the queen of the swamp. pls go peep putrid’s masterlist bc you don’t get to see this kind of content around

@kweenkatsuki cycling through laughing, crying, and horny is just the regular for reading one of marq’s works. just INCREDIBLE

@heavenlyres yall know the feeling of moving with a piece? thats every time i read one of L’s fics. capturing motion is hard imo but L just has such a grip on language its UNREAL

and to anyone ive forgotten, you’re all incredibly amazing. any work that you put into whatever you do is worth it. your talents don’t go unnoticed - so don’t ever give up on what you love doing, as much as it may seem to be exhausting. kith kith

[neo-shitty]

i don’t normally go off abt this but wow, look at that ratio. listen up, doodies, it really won’t hurt to reblog posts on this hellsite because that’s how the work gets around, gets on other people’s dashes, reaches more people. ok, this post already has a lot of notes but i’m talking abt other posts with lesser notes and still the same ratio of likes to reblog which is 1 reblog for every 14 fucking likes more or less. give other ppl a chance to see it the work too by reblogging, it’s one button away from the like button come on. other creators have said this countless times before, this site doesn’t work like twitter in which shit gets around through liking alone. no.

also don’t get me started abt how unfulfilling this is compared to other works. i’ve had works with a fewer notes but the feedback wld make up for it. i don’t want to sound ungrateful for the rbs this got (and to the few who left comments/asks ily thank u) but sometimes it’s just disappointing seeing empty reblogs? especially with such a lengthy work. like how did the work make you feel? was it good? exciting? say something in the tags, ANYTHING. i wld take crumbs, literally anything. i do not give a shit if you’re not making any sense.

tldr: reblog shit man, it’s not hard. it’s the least you could do. also leave feedback if you can, would make any cc’s day. thank you, content consumer.

[yamagucji]

love letters from cupid.

dear lovely anons,

i cherish every bit of interaction we have. im extremely grateful to know that there are people out there who read and enjoy my works. hm, hope you know that i care about each of you. honestly sometimes i just wanna make a post dedicated to each of you but idk!! if you’ll see it or not. hopefully this bit is enough to let you know how much i appreciate every single one of you. thank you.

dear readers,

thank you for reading my works. it’s comforting to know that there are people out there who will check out something that i’ve slapped on together with every bit of my effort. to those of you who have consistently supported my works in silence- you know who you are. im just... keeping my distance because ya’ll are really just minding your own business while i get giddy about seeing you pop up in my notifications again. im hoping to get around and send a ty note to as many special readers n special ppl on this blog. but im a little shy, so i hope you’ll give me some time. seeing you in my notifications from time to time makes me happy; sometimes i do wonder if you’re still here and in good health. i hope you all are right now. thank you.

dear dani,

what a wonderful being you are. never regretting the first time i *shyly* asked if there was anyone that wanted to be friends here. i probably already talk about my love for you and vera so much but who’s gonna stop me? you’re such a cool person. i look up to you (literally). i think it’s amazing to get to know a person who has a lot of passion for history like me. but also- screams about 2d men with me. truthfully, this site is much more bearable having you as a moot. i feel very comfortable talking to you, about anything at all. lomve you, you’re the best.

dear mayya,

kindness personified. im sure you’ve made a plethora of people smile with every rb and comment you’ve given; including me. i think it’s very refreshing to see such genuine comments. you radiate this calm aura that im always seeking for. thank you, for providing me (and many other people) with that. a little embarrassing that you see my uhm, messy sideblog, but... it’s comforting i think. to know that someone is listening. i hope that you understand it goes the other way around too— that i’m here for you.

dear hrituja,

my partner of chaos. when did it start? i can’t remember. all i know is that every little thing you send me on instagram really makes my day. i’ll have bad days and all i need to do is look at the silly stuff you sent me and get a laugh out of it. i think it’s cool that we’ve been able to build this space where we can talk about anything (literally), poke fun of each other, and also ourselves. you’re cool. i genuinely like hearing you go off about ace. if i could meet a moot it’d probably be you unless you’re secretly a fraud and you’re actually just a 80 yr old man looking for a sugar babie. in that case im in.

dear oz,

you overly sweet bean. i genuinely watch you in awe from afar, just by how talented and hardworking you are. your art is amazing, and i always look forward to the design you make for your oc’s outfits. thank you for understanding me, and for being patient with me. i care about you a lot, so if there’s ever anything that’s occupying your mind and you need to let them out, i’m here to listen. ps. i really don’t know any other mutual who listens to *that* comfort stuff like i do so im really thankful to have someone to talk about them with. you can always share your interests with me too, especially with your dearest tendou.

dear tate,

im such in awe of you. just the fact that you devote a lot of your time into writing and setting up the theme for your blog astounds me. not to mention, your art skills as well. i am still very much in love with that bokuto piece you made with the hanging leaves. i hope you know that bokuto loves you just as much as you do to him. i know you’re writing up something special atm, so i’m really looking forward to it. thank you for all the time you’ve spared just to send me an ask. it truly does mean a lot to me. it feels like someone is listening, and i’m very appreciative of having you as my dear mutual. please know that i’m here to support you too, with the best of my abilities.

dear winx club,

[ @wissbby @kageruna @pinkbunnyplushie @astrooliver @lovingtobio @kenmaki @lfjr @lcsbianist ]

im such a clutz, but thank you for dealing with me. i was little nervous to start up such a discord server because im bad at staying in one. though, the warm environment that you all provide makes me feel much more at ease. i think it’s funny popping in to the server and seeing a few people spamming the chat with hugs, headpats and kisses. it’s sweet, too. being in a group discord can get overwhelming for some people, so i appreciate you all for having that patience. another thing- thank you for understanding each other’s boundaries. its hard to be aware all the time especially when you’re interacting with people you don’t know to at a very personal level. im glad that you all helped each other make the space comfy. i look forward to more chaotic and genuine talks with all of you in the future. maybe we’ll still be in touch with each other after a long while? who knows. but im going to cherish every single moment i get with you all.

dear @nishinoya-is-baby @keitsukki11 @sullen-angel24 @smolbludandelions @whootwhoot @cheatingthroughthislife @tadashi-simp @oikaw-ugh @lostsealscreams @sleepykarabou @atsunflower @lfjr @globe-fish @bewwybun @tetsoleil @sleepykarabou @justcafewriter @rin-suna @atsumusc0ck @waitforitillwritemywayout @dorkyhaikyu @yemilnisu @sunseteyes @kenmaki @kenanami,

goodness, i would write you all individual messages if time let me. but, i hope this is alright. i just wanted to thank you all for interacting with some dummy like me because that shit takes real patience </3 y’all are some really cool people and im really glad to have you as a moot. im ngl im pretty sure i’ve stopped by all your inboxes just to forget to actually send an ask :’( or maybe im too shy. one or the other. hopefully i can come around to all your ask boxes soon and fill it with my love because it’s what you all deserve. ya’ll are such amazing and talented people. for the love of god- you have all my love and care in the world. i hope that these past few weeks have been gentle with you, but if not, please let yourself rest from whatever it is that may be putting you down. here’s a gentle reminder that im always here to listen, and i wouldn’t judge you for whatever it is it may be. thank you for being so kind to me, and i hope to return that as well. take care.

@insanitywrites @derpeedoo @killuababie @lespaghetti @ordinary-ace

i haven’t told you this until now but, thank you for giving me company and comfort during a time that i was deeply struggling.

ps. if there’s any grammar or spelling mistakes no u did not see that <3

[yibuo]

UMMM I would love to know what exactly happened with xnine too if you know??

i didn’t know how to answer this without hating on long danni but... that’s not possible when you’re talking about xnine

CORRECT ME IF I’M WRONG IN ANY WAY @ DIMPLES AND CFANS

tldr ceo addicted to producing survival shows realizes boy group is incapable of feeding her fat rabbit because of her OWN mismanagement and throws them away (literally? probably not, maybe, idk)

HOLY SHIT THIS BECAME RLY LONG IM BEGGING KEEP READING TO WORK LO LOL LOL

long danni= wjjw company ceo

wjjw=company that xnine, xz, r1se, etc are under

huo mala: fat company rabbit that WILL give u nightmares goodness gracious thinking about him sends chills down my spine

alright so long danni (ldn i will refer to her) & ee media along w/ tencent and sm made the survival show x-fire... the premise of xfire was that 16 contestants split into two different teams (white and red) and then at the end it would boil down to each team having 4 members and the winning team would debut as a group called xfire...but wait...the group’s name is xnine? so out of red team (peng chuyue, baishu, xiao zhan, xia zhiguang) and white team(wu jiacheng, gu jiacheng, zhao lei, and guo zifan) white team won...and they unofficially debuted as xfire..went abroad to train yadda yadda yadda and then a few months later, TELL ME WHY LONG DANNI DECIDES TO RELEASE POLLS TO LET FANS VOTE IN 5 MEMBERS INTO XFIRE TO CREATE XNINE! ldn PLEASE if u wanted to rig the show you should’ve decided in the beginning what was the point of making the teams and the fans fight against each other...

so yeah xz and crew weren’t actually supposed to debut according to show rules...i mean i’m glad they debuted obviously bc x9 is x9 but ee media and frickin ldn couldve handled this better...like every member except chen molerat is amazing and great but....WHY DIDNT MaNAGEMENT NOT BLATANTLY RIG THEM INTO THE GROUP

but also thank u ldn for also letting us get to know the 4 guys who were added n not chen molerat <3 but like DO UR JOB PROPERLY

anyway the polls were RIGGED obviously thanks ldn what did u expect out of making POLLS, and xiao zhan, peng chuyue, xia zhiguang, yan xujia, and chen z*** were added to the group to create xnine...talk about rigged when chen z*** the molerat lookin turdface misogynist was added... anyway at the time he wasnt known to be problematic but ya the whole rigging thing caused a whole rift esp when x9 debuted bc there were fanwars and death threats initially but xfire did well because it was one of the (if not only) survival shows at that time and x9 debuted w/ a good response etc

then they got moved to wjjw (still owned by ldn thanks ldn) and wjjw is known for hoarding artists and not promoting them (THEY HAVE LIKE 45 ARTISTS BUT WERE FORMED 3 YEARS AGO MAKE IT MAKE SENSE) and not being promoted properly was EXACTLY what happened to xnine. as idols what they needed was music promotions, variety shows, etc stuff to get them as people out there but this genius ldn decided to promote them through stupid zodiac dramas like super star academy (to promote xfire finalists) and oh my emperor (which was an xnine drama). now i haven’t watched OME, but SSA gave me enough brain rot and gunk for me to not watch OME. (the only person who could act was baishu), and the story was SO BAD. nevermind the acting, because the boys weren’t initially slated to be actors, but the story was horrible, girl without superpowers suddenly becomes white cult goddess at the end??? WHAT???????? why didn’t ldn just promote them normally !!!!!! are they an actor group or an idol group???? I LOVE XNINE, THEY ARE TALENTED ARTISTS !!!! and eventually some went into acting (xz, guo zifan, gu jiacheng) BUT WAS THAT THE TIME DLFNJNF and then they just kept getting sent into random dramas and movies as random side characters instead of being able to make music and promote????? i’m sorry i’ve been stuck on using dramas to promote x9 for a while because that’s such a SILLY IDEA *vigorously shakes head* 

ldn knows how to do survival shows but she doesn’t know how to promote her artists thanks ldn. xnine has so much talented, we know xiao zhan is a great singer, but other main vocalists like wu jiacheng, zhao lei, and peng chuyue are amazing as welll, here’s me plugging this video of zl and pcy performing their self-written song on produce camp because it’s the most beautiful thing ever

-oh yeah somewhere in here insert chen molerat getting outed as a pedo misogynist cheater by his gf who still has the audacity to have xnine in his weibo name because xnine starting to get popular gtfo rat lookin ass i WILL barf, when we say ot8 xnine we mean xnine w/o chen toadratass but sometimes ppl think it’s xnine minus xz which is untrue-

they also have talented rappers (gu jiacheng yan xujia) and dancers (xia zhiguang guo zifan) like xia zhiguang can end me with his spinning flying kick thing and i WILL let him 

so YEAH !! TALENT that went to waste because wjjw gave them weird random hiatuses and kept pushing them as actors??? seriously what is with this actor stuff...so that’s why they debuted in 2016 and have very little discography to their name because wjjw just gave up...trying to promote them GOD thank u so much ldn for ur incomptency <3333 xnine had members in diff stages of life (ranging from xz who was born in 91, to yan xujia born in 2001, they were all close tho soo cute) and wjjw really was like nope we’re not gonna try to promote yall’s dreams of becoming singers on the stage because they couldn’t add 34783473 pounds to fat huo mala’s weight

so ya a lot of people are like omg wjjw hates xiao zhan!!! ya no they hate all of xnine but now xz is bringing enough money to make huo mala even fatter so good for huo mala i guess /s

also rumors and any bad media? lol wjjw doesn’t care they do a shit job at handling bad things too WHAT A WELLROUNDED COMPANY

OH ALSO TALK ABOUT HOW THYE HAD 3 DAYS TO PREPARE FOR A CONCERT???????????? WHAT????????? wjjw u mfs

anyway to summarize my rants above wjjw did  a SHIT job of promoting xnine as idols when the boys worked so hard and wjjw kept tryna push them to acting bye (some of them can’t act and literally don’t WANT TO ACT HHHSFLNF), wjjw is also horrible at letting all of the xnine members shine when as i mentioned before, they’re ALL TALENTED!!!! and then they just gave up on xnine somewhere in 2017-2018... ok anyway so is xnine disbanded? no although some may say their last concert in dec 2018 was their last concert ever they’re not disbanded

xiao zhan , gu jiacheng, and guo zifan went into acting

wu jiachang is focusing on his music etc (he was actually the first member of xnine i came across when i watched the collaboration/cyzj in 2018...yes carats this is That wu jiacheng!!!) MAN CAN SING

peng chuyue, zhao lei, xia zhiguang, yan xujia all went on produce camp 2019 (aNOTHER SURVIVAL SHOW BC THEY WANTED TO BE ON THE MF STAGE BC THATS WHY THEYRE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE WJJW) along w/ fellow labelmates zhou zhennan and zhai xiao wen ... and everyone but peng chuyue made it to the final 11 spots and got to debut in the group r1se...UNFORTUNATELY ALSO UNDER WJJW HELP SEND HELP

if they’re in r1se does that mean they quit xnine? no! they’re in both that’s just how survival shows work it’s kind of weird

peng chuyue recently released a song and it’s really good and you can’t not tell me that it’s gay here it is

anyway xnine hasn’t disbanded!! the X玖少年团 (xnine) in the non-r1se members’ weibo names say that loud n clear!!! and when the r1se members from xnine won produce camp 2019, they all made xnine signs SO XNINE IS ALIVE and they do keep in contact!!

why haven’t we seen blatant public interactions btwen xiao zhan and the xnine members? because some frickin annoying xz solo stans/xfx claim that the other members use xz for popularity (HELLO??????? IN WHAT WORLD DOES THAT MAKE SENSE HALF OF THEM R LITERALLY HIS KIDS BUT OK) 

anyway in conclusion wjjw doesn’t know how to promote any of their artists, thus screwing over xnine members and making them go on a group hiatus where they focus on acting/singing/r1se for r1se members but they are very much xnine as of now !!!

here’s some REALLY GOOD RESOURCES to follow xnine bc as an ifan it’s mf hard

-xnine slideshow

-xnine faq

-xnine eng sub channel by yuer

-all of that content i listed above was made/subbed by one person and she is the queen of uhh...xnine international fandom outreach (????) how do i word it but she’s been subbing and spreading xnine long before xiao zhan’s popularity skyrocketed so go follow her for updates and memes here

-xnine intl fanbase twt and tumblr

-and here’s this twt account with dumb pics of xnine because why not

also i’m pretty sure there’s a wip video explaining x9′s history being created (by yuer because queen) so when that’s posted i’ll rb this and post it here

also here’s this video dragging wjjw

[yanqings]

I was tagged in the check in tag game by @transwenkexing ❤️❤️

why did you choose your url?

because i love when women are happy and in love

any side blogs? if you have them: name them and why you have them

Not really. I’m not in the having of making sideblogs for each of my interests. Everything goes on my main 💕 (does straightwenkexing count as a sideblog....i use it for evil purposes)

how long have you been on tumblr?

6 years..... let me out....

do you have a queue tag?

nope. i dont even know how to queue things shdhddj

why did you start your blog in the first place?

I was on instagram for the [redacted] fandom and a lot of the posts were just screenshots from tumblr so i figured why not go to the source

why did you choose your icon?

First lesbian absent mother representation

why did you choose your header?

I wanted to be something pretty and calming, but also something i liked... my desktop theme used to have a painting of the ocean as well before tumblr killed it 😒

what’s your post with the most notes?

my wwx and wq besties gifset :)

how many mutuals do you have?

around 35💕

how many followers do you have?

403 tho the number is very skewed. when i used to have literally like 10 followers my blog showed a vastly different number. That was back in the days when a new porn bot would follow u every single day so i think it glitched even when i blocked them hence the weird number

how many people do you follow?

106

have you ever made a shitpost?

you could say that

how often do you use tumblr each day?

enough to make me wish social media never existed

did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

Once and it was so incredibly dumb. I made a post about how x author misrepresented my culture in one of their characters and someone from the diaspora in the US was like actually haha ur wrong <3. Even started their argument with the classic “hello! Local x here!” 🧍‍♀️Then they proceed to write the most asinine excuses as to why the author wasn’t in the wrong when they, in fact, were. Objectively wrong. I, born, raised, and currently living in [redacted] don’t know my own culture apparently 💕 also they kept finishing off their arguments with DING DONG YOURE WRONG or some shit like that IM TELLING U IT WAS SO WEIRD. I was 16 this person was presumably an adult like wtf... anyways safe to say i won <3

how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

if they’re important posts i dont mind. however, it does bother me when people add it to dumb posts which is done here a lot

do you like tag games?

Sure! but my answer below applies to this question as well

do you like ask games?

I do, in theory. I enjoy interacting with my mutuals and answering silly questions but i have trouble getting out what i mean a lot of the time. Like, idk what to say without sounding repetitive so sometimes I opt not to rb them.

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

who knows... I have mutuals in high places 😏

do i have a crush on a mutual?

nope. the real question is whether a mutual has a crush on me /parasocial

Im gonna tag @deltakiraze @deltasupporter @cxntofgnc

[transrightsjimin]

honestly class consciousness is one hell of a ride bc i didnt think abt it much until more recent years. i told my friend as a kid we were poor nd my mom got so pissed at that, nd i mean shes right that we rly werent as bad off as it could be, the family is just working class. but when you suddenly realize youre not on equal footing w middle class ppl, or ppl like my uncle who is one of the very rare few who started working class and not highly educated nd ended up becoming a millionaire in the US (im still coming for his wallet istg), its suddenly all... oh wait there are ppl whose reality is not this full of hurt and few opportunities.

like, being in a university in one of the most diverse cities in the country nd still having so few poc on it and most poc u meet are international students, and having heard some posh classmates talk abt studying "just like our parents" like it's the most evident thing in the world (while im the only person in the family that did college level, nvm university, and family was super proud, it's not a given to us that you do this!), hearing classmates claim that poverty and class are not really relevant for the netherlands anymore bc you now have the nouveau riche and art is less elitist now, so apparently class is less of a thing?? nd university is just such a wakeup call or a slap in the face bc my primary school was called ghetto, my high school was called ghetto, but then my art college prided itself on being very "diverse" while i had never seen this many white students in one place, and it's even worse for my university.

shit like my brother being in prison all the time when i was younger, my best friend when i was 4 having to move away bc her mom ODed on drugs, living next to a house that had 5 weed plantations in it over the years nd our greek neighbours even got pulled into that mess bc they needed money, living across a 'coffee house' tht stored rifles in it, someone across the street setting his house (and thus half the street bc dutch homes are often connected as one row) on fire, my dad working 50 hours a week as a parcel deliverer bc w less hours he doesnt earn enough, even if the fucking job means carrying 80 kilo boxes up stairs and other bullshit, his stress leading to two TIAs (strokes), my mom being super disabled by many physical impairments nd illness nd still not being granted help in the household bc she had a 'healthy daughter and boyfriend' nd also her being left w/o an income for 2 years, practically every high school friend's mom being disabled in some way, then at my mail delivery job where my coworkers complain abt another deliverer bc it took her 3 months to get back to work again nd they called her ‘lazy‘ for not working immediately despite having multiple illnesses and disabilities bc, and i quote, my colleague said “i’m in my sixties and have arthritis and i’m working too“ dude :// hes literally the person my other colleagues say has had it hard and needs a break, and then those coworkers too need a break nd have disabilities nd are nearing pension age and still doing this work while trying to do household work and all that stuff at the same time. my mom said my cousin’s job (in construction; scaffolder) pays “really good“ (i wonder if its really that much bc it’s apparently around €1700-2700 on average) but that he already gets bad physical complaints from it while hes young nd formerly rly fit and might need to quit soon and then figure something out like studying for something else if possible.

the neighbourhood i used to live in as a baby was ‘too criminal‘ according to my parents so then they moved out to the town next to it into a neighbourhood that was eventually labelled among the top ranked ‘criminal‘ neighbourhoods of the country nd now i live in rotterdam south which is basically seen in the same way bc again, more poverty, more families with migration backgrounds etc. it’s like, you can never escape this negative image unless the whole bunch is gentrified or smth stupid and the poor are pushed to live elsewhere again. and just the whole thing of being at home, being at school, being at work, it’s such a trip bc university is so fucking different to me nd u see all these people there who are quite confident in getting good jobs nd u have business students with rich parents who are already some stupid fucking greenwashing entrepreneur aiming to become a CEO, nd even though ppl at my study w all these artsy ppl, they are generally not upper class, most still seem to be so used to the safety of being middle class and make these huge statements about poverty not really being a thing here.

nd then the whole stress nd anxiety tht my parents passed onto me, partially bc of their trauma nd them being fed up w my ‘laziness’ (executive dysfunction nd burnout lol), partially bc they believe strongly in this workers’ ethic thats strongly in line with capitalism (even if my mom used to be part of a socialist party nd still adheres to many of those ideas) but also with this calvinistic and Rotterdam ( / Rijnmond area) ideology that you need to work hard for the entirety of your life in order to be a decent person, so not so much for an economic payoff or ‘success‘; you just have to work hard. my parents always told me ‘you can rest when you’re dead‘ every single time i mentioned or even implied i was a bit tired and it was frustrating to hear. this mentality is what lead to my dad practically getting two strokes, and to my mom overworking herself nd being taken away by an ambulance on my birthday party, it’s the whole fucking reason i do not like the prospect of work bc it is just so associated w something awful you need to get done and that you need to exhaust yourself on it until you hopefully get pension money, if the govt hopefully doesnt raise the pension age even further than 67. and then you see ppl in uni talk abt fun future “careers” like what the fuck are you talking about? how are you gonna get a job in the arts and culture field in this pandemic? im already happy if im able to find a job and dont have to quit due to disability or a chronic illness that runs in both sides of my family. im sorry im being so negative but im stressed about jobs and i think i went on a tangent today all bc i saw one post abt being scared of PE classes nd my mind went to bad places. this is ok to rb or reply to btw, as long as youre a mutual

[ongie]

this is tumblr user ongdan’s sappy 1 year blog anniversary post!!!

so i’ve had this blog for one year now and i’m??? genuinely shocked at how fast time has just flown by!!

through my one year on here, i’ve made so many amazing friends that i can talk to without shame, and i am so fucking appreciative of that. @ my mutuals, i love you all with my whole heart and i’m so happy all of you guys exist!!!!!

being on here allows me to be so much more open about myself - i can talk about the things i love without the fear of judgement, or be unapologetically gay even though i’m closeted in real life, among other things. 

this is so gross and sappy and i KNOW this is just a tumblr blog, but it’s also an outlet for me to vent and yell and talk to friends who live a 21 hour flight away. 

anyways i love u all, mutual or not, literally everyone that has followed me and rb-ed my gifs, added nice things in the tags, sent me asks and liked my content. i’m so grateful that i was able to start this blog because honestly my real life is ridiculously miserable and i rly enjoy having this blog.

anyways, to (some of) my mutuals:

@leedaehwi ♡ @extraongdinary ♡ @park-woojin ♡ @00dreamgirl ♡ @guanlliver ♡ @woojinnies​ ♡ @hasungswoon ♡ @1kdn ♡ @hongjoongs ♡ @kimjaehwan ♡ @emperorhwangs  

@ggukheon: ace!!! my same-country buddy!!! you’re rly fun to talk to and i enjoy your company a lot!!! i love u!!!1

@jwy/@yoojung: hi luna!!! even though we don’t rly talk much on tumblr i enjoy all our little messages here and there on twt lol i really like talking to you and honestly u are…. so soft my heart uwus every time we talk!!!!!! thank u for being a part of my life!!!!! also have i mentioned. that u make amazing content ya ok

@nielwoon: even though i’ve only recently followed you, i’ve enjoyed every single of our conversations and i’m so glad that i was able to meet you :”) let’s talk more, and i love ur content a lot

@ongnable: jas!! hello!! we haven’t talked in a while, but i hope u are doing well!! you’re an amazing person, and even before we became mutuals you’ve always been so nice to me hsksk i don’t deserve u

@hynjaes: mare!! honestly i love when u rb my posts and add things in the tag hsks it always makes me rly happy!! we’ve barely even talked, but i rly just want to tell u that lol anyway i love ur content and even though i don’t know half the groups u blog about i enjoy ur content anyway lol

@parkwoojin/@jiwoos: alissa! !!!!! hello!!! my cherry blossom gf!! the alpha jihoon content creator!! this time i didn’t forget ur message :D ur dp is so cute lol anyway yes 1. i love ur content?? it’s always amazing!!! and 2. even though we started off a lil awkward, i’m glad that we’re nice and comfortable w each other now!! i’m happy that we’re closer now and that we can do the gif battle together hksks (thank fuck it isn’t an actual battle or i’d be last place LMAOO anyway) also u are super cute nd i love ur face!!! 

@wnnaone: haru!!!! my dude!!! hi!! talking to you i really fun and i’m glad we were able to do the gif battle together! your gifs are always rly pretty and i’m still thinking about ur huge shelf of albums lmao how do u do it… anyway u are also rly cute and ur face is amazing and i’m so glad i have a mutual like u!!!!! 

@wanna-one: merve!! my mother!!! thank you so much for always listening to me and showering me with so much love!!! i’m sorry if i fail to reciprocate sometimes bc i am Shit at being cheesy unless i’m in a weird mood hsslsls u always so good things about me and i never rly get to say it back so just so u know: i love u, u are amazing and sweet and funny and i am so happy that i got to meet u

@baejinsgirl: hi abia!!! ur love for baejin is so cute lol and i’ll never be over how quickly u gif shit wow i cannot relate hsksk anyway!! i’m so happy we are mutuals bc u are rly cute and funny and i rly enjoy being ur mutual!!! let’s talk often!!

@ilhoonsmj: SARAH!!! my pal!!!!!! hello!!!!!! this is probably the thousandth message of mine u are reading but bear w me ok. first of all, Bitch i miss u wow i can’t wait to meet u again irl!!!!!!!!! in just 2 weeks!!!!! and also secondly, i rly love talking to u lmao sometimes my lungs hurt from the shit u say like i’m still in disbelief that the fucking senior pastor of my church is ur fucking UNCLE and not just that… the uncle of ur weird religious side :///// thirdly, i love u and honestly i’m always surprised at how our conversations are so comfortable like it’s Never awkward and even though we have an age gap i feel rly comfy around u!!!! thanks for coming into my life bitch ily let’s talk more about ur weird family when we meet hskss

@daehwi: hello kenia!! my idol!!!!! the reason this blog is 1 year old now!! without u there is no me!!!! hsksk i’m kidding but seriously ur content is amazing and i’m so glad we are mutuals now!! and i’m happy we get to do the gif battle together!! u are still my idol btw

i only tagged my mutuals who (i think) have recently been active hsksk so sorry if i left u out!!!

[indigoimpulse]

so,, selfship positivity day huh,,

@queenieships yall know this bitch my best friend,,, lets not think abt the fact that ima see you iN PERSON IN REAL LIFE VERY SOON IM SO NERVOUS (help) my lovely lovely bff youve always been there through anything, with your bright personality and enthusiasm! everything about you is adorable. your momiji collection and your wardrobe and your fACE OMG fuck youre beautiful and your ships and art style all the bright colours and shiny eyes? your ships are basically a living embodiment of the best tropes ever (fwb to lovers, height differences)and yeah i literally love you so much and i know i can talk to you about anything 💕💕💕 youre amazing my lovely

@love-fromthevoid SIMON. FUCKINF CHRIST. you are the sweetest nicest little ray of sunshine ive ever had the good fortune to meet. your art style is simplistic yet charming and unique and memorable. im so glad that we started talking because you are a genuine good impact on my life and whenever i see that little ponka icon in my notifs im like 💕💕💕💕!!! my fav boy! also ur rlly handsome and im Blessed by god whenever u post a selfie. the gumball cookie to my yoga cookie, amazing, adorable, Good

@hardcoresshippingmyself ur fucking adorable firstly,,, your art style KICKS ASS SECONDLY, i could go on honestly! tbh i mainly see you thru notifications and on my dash but STILL YOURE SUCH A BEACON OF LIGHT LIKE HOLY SHIT! your ships are fucking great when i was watching deadpool 2 i was all like ,,mmhmm,, thats nadine's man... and PAPYRUS DUH!! all of your boys love you so much (so do i hehe) and i hope you have an amazing day!

@musical-selfshipper yOOO MADDIE ur super funny, we both stAN BNHA AND YUUGA AOYAMA WITH OUR WHOLE HEARTS and youre an awesome friend. your ships are so cool even though i know jackshti about any of your fandoms,, and your self insert designs are the bomb ,, so creative :3 you make jokes in that straightforward way thats honestly the best kinda humour i love talking to you and carry on doing what you do cause its freaking great <3

@limey-blue-arty-do youre so sweet to me all the time honestly limey. i feel like youve got my back whenever (likewise, trust me) and i owe you so much! im obsessed with your writing and youre probably my favourite traditional artist in the community. youve always been here with a kind word or gesture and im so so grateful for you. from the bottom of my heart have an amazing day big sis 💕💕💕

@gamzeeismyboyfriend an icon in the self ship community istg,, ur sososso funny i keep on picking up mannerisms from u lul and ur art gets 100+ notes for a reason! gamzee loves u. lapis loves u,, chahut loves u...! every time u post im like shTI SAVE ME THATS TALENT (especially oli hinthint make me head of the oli support club plspls) we dont talk loads bUT STILL IM BLESSED whenever u appear in my notifs/ dash/ when u rb my stuff 💕💕 have a good one

EVERYONE HAVE A GOOD DAY im lowkey typing in a rush bc im need to meet queenie scREAM but all of your ships are legit i assure you. no matter what you look like, whoever your f,o is, dont let anyone dim your shine because youre amazing and strong and beautiful. if yall ever need anyone to ramble to about .. anything. hit me up and i will 100% scream back at you. love u all! you all make me feel so so welcomed im literally an ugly lil gremlin mess what did i do to deserve yall

@selfinsertheaven @tarushipping @chisakisses @nanoshipshake @atmospheric-light @insomniasqueen @botts-ships you lovelies have a gREAT DAY TOO hnfdldjd 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[cotccotc]

🖇 INTERVIEW TAG !

tagged by the marvelous @spookybias & @orphic-chan ( and a couple others i think !! i forget sorry jsjd )

taggin’ anyone who wants to do it !! <3

why did you choose your url ?

my main is @/childofthecycle and the acronym for that is cotc !! but @/cotc was taken so i doubled it haha

any side blogs? if you have any, name them, and why do you have them ?

for starters, this is a side blog !!

then i have @zachsang for western artists, @klausgreeves for tv ( which is my newest one ), @dis-mukes for saturday night live, @lq-hhj for hyunjin pics, @cotc-recs for fic recs, @cotc-games for ask games, @ctrlhyun for aesthetics, and then some nets and url saves !!

having so many blogs just makes it easier for me to organize my thoughts, save things in a neat and useful way, and give me graphic design practice !!! pls don’t joke about / make fun of how many blogs i own. thank u !! <3

how long have you been on tumblr ?

i’ve been on tumblr for a year now !!! in fact, the one year anniversary of this blog was yesterday :DDD

do you have a queue tag ?

yep !! it’s #q be or not q be. it’s a reference to one of hyunjin’s lines in “question” ( which is a reference to hamlet itself )

why did you start your blog in the first place ?

i just wanted a blog where i could rb and post about my interests aside from the aesthetic i post about on my main, and those interests quickly became more kpop related !! i also wanted to post edits, and eventually started writing fics a few months later.

why did you choose your icon ?

i change my icon somewhat frequently just based on other icons i’ve seen and liked. recently i’ve been loving the look of simple line art as an icon, and i love how cute yet edgy this image is !! just like me hehe

why did you choose your header ?

i’ve been playing around with photoshop a lot lately and i wanted to make a header with a cool shape !!! the coloring and design kinda came naturally from there. and i thought adding the lovestay and loverboy doodles would be a cool personal touch :)

how many mutuals do you have ?

i have no clue but i have a lot !! i love all my besties :DD and i’m always down to make new friends !!!

how many followers do you have ?

currently i’m at 1,187 ... which is LITERALLY INSANE thank u thank uuuu <333

how many people do you follow ?

681 !! i follow a lot of skz blogs, but also other kpop blogs, aesthetic blogs, etc. i should probably go through and weed out the inactive ones haha

have you ever made a shitpost ?

ALLLL the time !! lol

how often do you use tumblr every day ?

usually when i’m not busy i’ll be on it pretty much all day !! except recently i’ve been pretty busy with school and some other stuff, so i’m not as active as i used to be.

did you have a fight/argument with another blog once ?

... next question pls

how do you feel about ‘you need to share this post’ ?

it depends, i guess. if the subject of the post pertains to a lesser known topic or has any valuable resources, i’ll be more likely to reblog it. but i HATE posts that guilt trip people into sharing them without providing resources on how to help the situation.

also, i think it’s safe for people to assume my blog is safe for/open to people from all walks of life, so i don’t really feel the need to reblog any “rb if your blog is safe for [blank]” posts. y’all know me. i’ll be ur bestie no matter who u are. <3

do you like tag games ?

short answer: yes !!

long answer: they can be a little stressful sometimes, and i’ve had to try and train my brain to not feel bad if i don’t participate in them, but i do like doing them every once in a while. it also kinda depends on the game. OH and my memory is Shit so tagging people is always tough lmao

do you like ask games ?

yes !!! i like them a lot :) i miss them lmao i should do one soon

do you have a crush on a mutual ?

*cough* @junicai *cough*

[misterbitches]

Im not intelligent at all. In the conventional sense. The ramblings of a girl who just has sooo much going in in her head it's constant. But im not a genius. Or that confusing.

It just sounds like I am bc fandoms have this issue where they can JUSTSO point out the issues in soletiing. They can pick and prod and go oh problematic! But then you go to name the problems and the difficulties within society like for ex: the idea of representation in general. Salivating over it. How fucking sad that is. How we are trained to accept it. So in a BL and also RACE in the bl genre they exploit viewers naivete both domestically and internationally. Ive seen tons of people liken being asian to being a person of color. However, in their predominantly homogenous society (or intentionally publically homogenous society), they are not "poc" (also name the of color; i dont use bipoc idc if u do but it's called being asian guys cos yall aint talkin about black ppl lmao)

They as humans seeing other humans who look like them everywhere, engage with the world differently than an american in asia or asians living outside of their home country (like bae doo nanwhen she worksnin the US is not the same as the bae doo nanworking on a korean program) I dont complain about it in everything i see bc ppl say it ALL THE TIME. but it is NOT the same. Being a person of color is very distinctly an american concept. This is all stuff people will get to know on their own if they choose to dig more.

I do my best to underline what my ugly little eyes process. How i figure things out as a black female american artist too! Im hard on shit cos i should be. I take it seriously. And even if i dont take it seriously bc THEY dont then thats their problem.

I know this is a complaint that I am not alone in. I know it's the internet. I just don't get how people can write really heavy analysis but they refuse to actually probe the underlying issues. Not everyone is me, or like my friends, but if there's way fewer people talking about this stuff it seems absolutely glaring when theres few people engaging in the way i do. It seems like im the glitch but I am thinking just as much just differently.

I really loved where your eyes linger but there was little deep class analysis. I remember few convos a bout it. I know a lot about korea (sigh being a black ex kpop fan lol mess) and i love the history but all ofnit matters! Korea's relation to labor!

People bringing up thai actors snd actresses leaving the industry and doing acting as something quick. As an artist~ who went to film school with insanely wealthy ppl and isnin tons of debt you have to understand how shitty that is. People have monetary access and they just fucking do whatever just because they want to. Meanwhile you have young people being coerced into this bullshit mainstream life to LITERALY just make money bc they dont come from a rich background. The wealth gap in thailand is BAD, theres a dictatorship, they had a fucking coup. The governments like here do not respect their people. Their marginalized groups. Trans thai women, black thai ppl, poor thai ppl. And it LITERALLY CANNOT DO ANYTHING EFFECTIVELY IN CAPITALISM. No nothing can be perfect but if it's going into our eyeballs and we can view the worlld critically then why the fuck not!???

I dont say the things i see are wrong always. I reply when i think i need to. I try and engage with others but not to kuch avail. I just want to rb stuff and tdhink lajfhhdjwhjej.

But like yea theres a lot of just wrong or misguided stuff. A lot of the times it is just historical inaccuracy in framing or idk. A refusal to think outside the box. I dont care. Theres more to life than just sort of looking and not thinking especially for othrr artists.

Idk im sorry. I dont see how i can change how i view things. I really wish people would expand their palettes too and go deeper into other means of art from places! Things not in the mainstream! Theres a lot of good thai artists and a lot of them critical as fuck about their country as they should be. Authority, austerity, patriarchy, capital, racism etc like that is central to a power thats interested in growing gains and fiscal and social power. Theres rly radical or left leaning etc ppl out there in the world and these countries in these communities. So they exist. No people in these countries dont have NO clue whats going on. Cultural relativism is alsos something people should understand. I had a good talk with ppl on here a while ago about that. Talking about shit, critiquing, but being respectful to a group. Part of thay is realizing these groups CLEARLY know their own issues and all our cultures share the same goal. Guess what it is. It rhymes with acquiring wealth. Money means you hurt people. In the post, we talked about use of "wife" and "husband" which is a stupid joke that has been "explained" a billion times and yet the explanations still dont seem to answer or justify a minor problem (it's very funny to me that a language that doesnt have gendered pronouns is now very specific about two men. Hmmm wonder why. It is annoying.)

So im not the only person on the planet doing this. Or the few ppl ive seen that do. Im not new my thoughts arent new. Ive gotten to see another side to a culture i knew not much about and that means i can put the context of my beliefs and life and try and understand thheirs. For ex i learned from ITSAY because of a sign that said 'french food' that they were the only country to not be colonized back then. Do you know how integral that history is to their region? That was an interesting detail (i didnt finish itsay bc ihad a lot going on and i was rly upset that i would see hownrich they are and i hate that.)

Anyways thats my complaint. It used to feel like a sting of rejection. I left online for months in 2019, i started organizing more, joined a union, trying to do some panther work shit like that. I learned a lot in those months and it changed my life! But when I came back, I felt so isolated. It wasnt my true friends tho sometimes theyre ANNOYINGGGGG (love u) but it was me being like "if we are going to complain guys then lets put our money where our mouth is" lets be fucking serious about it then. No say it with your chest dude. It isnt difficult. Go with the fucking flow, talk about it, critique it, think. You can still fucking like itnor love it.

I am BLACK ok and i love rap. I am a black woman. I will continue to clown black men that cant seem to not clown themselves and listen. No i wont support monetarily: drake is a creep and i hate him but i bump that niggas song. Thats fucking LIFE. I got so sick of hiding myself and it became clear that it wasnt that i wasntthinking well or hard enough. They just didnt like that i said we need to commit class suicide and inspect out middle class sensibilities and middle class wealth hoarding (google it) if thats what we engaged with. Every part of you, antagonize it. I still have my privileges; class, skin color, even my father being a nigerian immigrant, me being cis, im not str8 but not a lesbian and those are differences.

Insecurities in general but some shallow thoughts (?) on discussion in "fandom" space. FYI, this will most likely stay the same. I tend to stay in my own bubble socially IE me and my friends are similar in our views. During this awful year while running my union's account, im surrounded by like minds. Me and my friends? We changed together. We grew up and saw what we didnt like and what we want. We do our best.And i CHOOSE my life to be that way bc it should be. There is no solution. I dont believe in solutions because the solution is to abolish capital or just divest. Abolishing capital and labor are a huge one and i will die before that happens (but so help me as long as im alive? Black women to FREEDOMMMM is my motto!) so making your own path in life is the best thing an artist can do IN MY OPINION.

However with technology and stuff this puts another layer onto things. Tech, social media, this shit....it THRIIIIIIIVESSSSSSS off of conflict and shallow readings of the world. We are literally primed for it. Engagement in bites. Impossible for me with my brain; i got used to it and i paid for it by limiting my scope. Not being encouraged to THINK AND READ before just speaking

(For ex i am in iww, i helped form a branch here. It is a radical union. Unionism is imprative to me-if ur interested u should read up on some. Look up peter cole! Google inthesetimes Ilwu. Gives you some understanding. Ive always been progressive and now i am....very left idk ic ant label myself. But even in my progrssiveness i had the gall to tell my white friend, whoa has her privileges but i had mine with our class disparity, that we dont need unions, i have WORKED retail. Ive done barista work for sonoing and i do gig work. So i wasnt out of touch. I had been stiffed even with a shoot i was working on by rich kids. So i had a frame of reference . But i didnt know what the FUCKa union was and why it is imperative. Then learning about anarcho syndicalism and all these other things. It changed my fucking life but two years earlier i was this idiot spouting shit like that making one of my best friends fucking upset. We DO AND CAN CHANGE. Think!!!!)

So were i a creator for tv id just constantly try and push the buttons if i need big money. Make them sell into me (thank you sonic youth!) theres Endless possibilities guys which means theres SO MUCH TK EXPLORE!!!! When i wanna have fun with it i just have fun. When i want to think i do. I dont understand why we are so dedicated to upholding things and doing mental gymnastics to end up in a space you dont need mental gymnastics for. What about these critiques makes you uncomfortable? Saying we're all part of the problem as spectators? Im sorry but we will always be. Thats LIFE. God fuck. Fuck me. I feel so fucking worthless and stupid sometimes. I know I am not. I know i am talented and intelligent. I know my friends and family. I know how to approach ppl. I know how to tell people if they are rich but want to be progressive whatsup. I choose how i live part of that is being ok to say what i want.

Ironically consrrvatives say this shit alot. But they arent ever alone bc their ideology is default. But yea it does feel shitty. It even feels shitty when ur in left circles but people STILL dont even wanna do that. These perspectives really arent ss many as they should be. I dont want to feel so alone with it. I know there are more. I just love art and the world so fucking much, endless possibility. Endless pain but endless good.