#not to mention that i don't have feeling of wasted money because ticket was quite cheap for this economy lol

[burningfaith]

NOT THE CON VOLUNTEERS ASKING ME FOR PARENTS' PERMISSION 😭😭

[milqueandsugar]

What if,, a band/artist rivalry between Adam and reader?

Since Adam outright says he's in a band in the first episode,, let's say that there's a rising artist who making themselves big in the music industry in Heaven, maybe even the same genre that Adam's band is in, and he gets ticked off.

So out of curiosity, he goes to one of their concerts (presumably to judge the music itself) but then when they start playing, he's just kinda.. in disbelief. Like the music is good?? And the person singing is hot??

Idk that would be something cool and funny to read,, love your stuff btw, been following since like last year 🙏🙏 I'll be 🥐 anon if that's cool and not taken ofc!

🌼☕` Your Tea Is Ready `☕🌼

Gen / Fluff

Includes / Adam

A/n - thanks for following for so so long! This was fun to write!

| Adam/Rival!Reader|

Listen, alright he only went to investigate

Too see what it was that made you sooo much of a competitor, because upon first glance there was nothing that interesting about you

Like you had cool clothes and hair he wanted to run his hands through, and the most kissable lips he's ever seen, and you pretty much sweated sex appeal but like you were THAT cool

So he takes the chance when an opportunity arises to get seats for your show, he'll take the scolding for the expensive purchase from lute later, the information he could gather was worth far more than any currency

So he goes, fights through the crowd for drinks and then fights through the crowd again to get to his spot

Your fans are insane, thats the first thing, like he's used to fans throwing bras and underwear on stage but these people are screaming and cheering for you like you were on stage, the openers hadn't even started yet wtf was going on??

The crowd hype was real though and by time the openers, who were mid, closed he was feeling the buzz of excitement the crowd carried

It was contagious and his ailment of adrenaline was only worsened when you came on stage and started your first song

Fuck

Yeah he got the appeal

Seeing someone so confident, so in love with their passion made him fall equally in love with you, those are like the two sexiest things and angel can have and you've got them falling out of your pockets babe!!

He buys more tickets to up coming shows and a shit ton of merch while leaving the venue, he would have done it during the show but he couldn't tear his eyes away often enough to blink let alone do anything else

Any sense of envy or competiriveness? Gone, just like the money from his wallet

He only realizes when he's considering buying a signed shirt that he's acting like one of HIS groupies

Oh no

Decides then he needs to quit, you have a sick band, he respects you and has all your songs on vinyl and on his phone but he's not some fucking low life that stalks their celebrity crushes all right?

I mean he's going to keep the merch but hey it might be valuable one day!!

And he'll go see the shows for the tickets he already bought but otherwise it'd just be a waste so whatever it's totally normal

This is such normal behavior, just, be cautious if you ever mention HIS band in a positive light on social or in an interview, he is already heavily considering buying some back stage passes don't force his hand now, come on

[resurrection-of-soul]

Flashback | BIOHAZARD 1

Writer: Akira (日日日)

Characters: Rei, Kaoru, Koga, Adonis

Rei: I see no merit to behaving mulishly. After all this time, no matter what manner of disgraceful self I expose to you, I am certain none of you will hate me…♪ Kaoru: Ahaha. I seriously hate that kind of arrogant behavior~! And like, the fact it’s totally true makes it even more annoying ♪

[ For the best viewing experience, please read directly on my blog! ♪ ]

Time: February, During the First Year of ES's Establishment

Location: ES Building, Rhythm Link Office

Rei: We find ourselves in circumstances most dire. Of late, many a fan hath lost interest in we UNDEAD. Though this hath felt to be the trend for quite a while, the numbers now render it an undeniable fact. The dwindling attendance at live concerts, waning CD sales, merchandise transactions and sundry other metrics serve as proof.

Kaoru: Huh, no way? That's surprising~ ...Personally, I feel like we've got way more fans screaming in excitement at our autograph sessions these days compared to back when we were still at Yumenosaki. Rather than losing fans, hasn't our fanbase just, like, changed? I mean, ever since we started working at ES, we've been participating in more child-friendly stuff like variety shows, yeah? Kids don't have a ton of pocket money, so it's hard for them to buy things like CDs or concert tickets... That just makes it seem like our popularity's going down when looking at sales data, right?

Koga: Hmph, you seem like a rich brat with more money than sense, but you've got a pretty good understandin' of the average person's budget.

Kaoru: I've been through more hardship than you might think, y'know. My parent's¹ pretty strict.

Adonis: Haha. We have been in the industry so long that we've grown desensitized to it, but concert tickets would be pretty expensive for a normal child. On top of that, if they keep asking their parents to buy these things for them over and over, their parents will eventually tighten their purse strings.

Kaoru: Yeah, totally. They'll be all like, "Go get a textbook instead of wasting money on that kinda useless junk."

Adonis: Have you been told that before?

Kaoru: Not directly. But when I said I wanted to go to an idol-training school, my parent's response was super sarcastic.

Rei: 'Twould seem we hath drifted slightly from the topic at hand. To return to the salient point, even if one were to take into account the extenuating circumstances Kaoru-kun mentioned, the fact is, our sales are undeniably poor. If I may be so blunt, we, UNDEAD, are on the decline.

Koga: This's exactly why I was against appearin' in cheery shit like variety shows, it ain't suited to our image at all. If we'd strengthened our main weapon by makin' cool music, then—

Adonis: I think that would have made us fall off much sooner. We would have been treated as outdated idols who cannot read the mood and do not understand the times. Or rather, I think those kinds of considerations are exactly why our senpai decided to take on all sorts of work which you ridiculed as being frivolous, Oogami.

Rei: Nay, we did so simply because we wished it. Just as Koga says, 'tis we who are at fault.

Koga: Wh-what the hell? It ain't like you to just own up to your mistakes.

Rei: I see no merit to behaving mulishly. After all this time, no matter what manner of disgraceful self I expose to you, I am certain none of you will hate me…♪

Kaoru: Ahaha. I seriously dislike that kind of arrogant behavior~ And like, the fact it's totally true makes it even more annoying ♪ Oh and, you tend to be way too quick to blame everything on yourself. UNDEAD's problems are problems for us all, so don't try to shoulder all the burdens alone.

Adonis: Mn. Sakuma-senpai does do that from time to time. We are not children who cannot take responsibility.

Koga: Yeah, that kinda thing seriously pisses me off~ ♪

Rei: Oh dear…? Am I more hated than I had initially surmised…?

Kaoru: We're complaining because we like you, alright? If we didn't, we wouldn't care what you do at all.

Rei: Alright… At any rate, our current predicament is a result of our wishy-washy attitude. Originally, we fashioned ourselves as a radical and immoral unit exclusively devoted to the realm of rock. However, of late, we hath been doing the very opposite, delving into the likes of variety shows and other casual jobs which aim to emphasize our approachable disposition. Such conduct runs counter to our "true nature." These days, folks oft muse, "Huh? Those UNDEAD guys look scary, but aren't they surprisingly friendly?" Consequently, we hath broadened our repertoire of jobs... Yet, those who were enamored of the old UNDEAD feel now disillusioned.

Koga: Cause we put the cart before the horse, didn't we? What we shoulda done was cater to those old fans. They're our real audience, not those frivolous new fans who feel like they know us just cause they saw us on some crappy variety show.

Rei: Nay, both are important. Naturally, we must cherish the long-time fans who hath thus far given us their stalwart support. However, if we do not attract new fans, then ours will be but a short-lived spark, doomed to fade away and disappear as like the light from a hand-held firework. Such is the reality of the idol industry to which we belong— Or rather, that of the entertainment industry entire. 'Tis not the sort of gentle, fairytale world where one who works hard shall always be rewarded with success and eternal love.

[ ☆ ]

Kaoru almost certainly means his father, but because he's persistently using the gender-neutral term 親, I'm just going to keep it as "parent," even though that reads a little strangely in ENG.

← Prev | All | Next →

[whimsicallyreading]

For Day 29 of Rowaelin Month

“A song fic-“

The song- “Always Been You” by Quinn XCII

CW- Mentions of miscarriage and divorce

"I can't believe you right now."

Rowan looks at his wife in frustration. She's sitting at the end of their bed, staring listlessly at the wall. The skirt of the red dress she's wearing is wrinkled, and his heart aches when he notices the mascara marks on her cheeks.

"Aelin," Rowan tries again to reach for her, but she leans away from his grasp.

"No, Rowan. I'm done."

Rowan takes a long swing from the beer in front of him. The time on his phone alerts him that he's spent most of the evening sulking at his bar.

The guys had invited him to dinner, but Rowan hadn't felt like going in light of his current situation. Instead, choosing to meander to the shady little pub they'd passed by coming from the airport.

His lawyer had sent him numerous emails. Documents to sign, agreements to approve, and papers he needed to read through before sending them to the judge.

Divorce was a pain, and Aelin wasn't making it easy.

"Hey, bud. I thought I might find you here." Fenrys slides onto the barstool next to his.

Rowan sighs and rubs the lines forming on his forehead. "Well, I thought it was obvious I didn't want company."

"Too bad. Drinking alone isn't a good look on you." Fenrys raises a hand and motions for another round of beers. "How are things going with ya know?"

"Shitty. She's never paid a dime of rent on that apartment, but she wants the lease signed into her name and for me to front the first four months of rent." Rowan cracks a peanut between his finger. He has no intent to eat the growing pile in front of him. He just craved the satisfaction of breaking something.

"Well, have you talked to her about that?" Fenrys frowns in sympathy, knowing how equally attached both parties were to the little rental.

Rowan laughs mirthlessly. "No, she said that it was better if our conversations were mediated. I always knew Aelin was catty, but she's acting like such a-"

"Don't." Fenrys gives Rowan a severe look. "I know you are upset, but don't start saying shit you'll regret."

Rowan pauses and reluctantly nods his agreement. It's the alcohol talking. He knew the problems that had festered his marriage were predominantly his responsibility.

He takes a deep breath, but a heaviness seems to keep the air from reaching his lungs fully. The weight was slowly becoming too familiar, starting the day Aelin had presented him with the papers.

Rowan wishes he'd done more. Wishes he'd paid more attention and seen the signs of Aelin's unhappiness.

The day Aelin had broken down in their bedroom had been a cold wake-up call but by then? It was already too late.

"You missed our anniversary Rowan." Aelin shouts and pulls her heels off angrily.

Rowan picks up a shoe and tries to hand it back to her. "I know. I'm sorry. It's not too late, though. We can still go out? There's still time to salvage-"

Aelin turns away from him and seems to fold in on herself. Rowan wants to reach out. He wants to hold her, but something dark is building in the air.

"I don't want your leftovers, Rowan," Aelin whispers. "That's all I get anymore—your leftover time. Your leftover attention. Whatever leftover resentment you bring home from work."

"Aelin-" he tries to cut off her depressive spiral, but she's not finished.

"You used to call me during the day." Aelin's voice cracks, and he realizes she's crying. "Every day, you would call me on your break. Now you don't even call when you leave town."

"Baby, just listen to me." He puts his hands on her shoulders, but Aelin breaks his grasp to turn around and look at him.

"Is there someone else?" Her eyes are wide and vulnerable. So unlike his regular Aelin."

"What?" His brain is struggling even to formulate a reply. Rowan's lack of response only causes Aelin to worry more.

Something in her cracks. There's a quiver to her lips, and her face drains of color. "Oh. Oh no."

"Aelin. I swear there is no one else." Rowan finally says, but it's too late.

"Is," Aelin presses the heels of her hands against her eyes. "Is it because I lost the baby?" She sucks in a hiccupping breath. "You've always wanted kids. So did I, but my fucking body doesn't work."

Aelin closes her eyes, and Rowan knows she's speaking more to herself than him, but her words gut him just the same. "My body doesn't work right. I keep giving us false hopes and wasting money on pregnancy tests. Of course, you would look for a woman who can give you what you want."

He's surprised by the sudden flare of anger in him. "Don't put words in my mouth. That will never be your fault."

They'd known right from the start their journey to parenthood would be a long one. Aelin had a family history of complicated fertility. It had seemed so trivial when they got married. Yet even knowing there could be issues, nothing quite prepared them for the pain of a miscarriage.

Aelin sniffles, unable to force back her grief, "But you resent me. Don't you?"

Rowan doesn't reply.

"It's rough," Rowan admits out loud. "I let a lot get left unsaid. I was hurt and pushed her away. Now she won't even speak to me without a lawyer present."

Fenrys nods, "It's all probably for the best. Once this is over, you guys can put this drama behind you."

"I wish it were that easy," Rowan knocks back the rest of his beer. He grimaces at the drink. It's not taking hold quickly enough.

Fenrys raises an eyebrow. "You both will be able to shut the book on this chapter of your lives and move on? Considering how bloody you two have been fighting, it sounds ideal."

They sit in silence. Fenrys takes the peanut basket away from Rowan and picks at the shells. The bartender comes by, and disgruntledly eyes Rowan's pile of crumbs as he orders a whiskey neat.

Fen was like his little brother, but Rowan found it hard to admit his real problem to him aloud. "I still love her."

The basket goes flying over the side of the counter, and Fenrys chokes on his beer. "What?"

Rowan can't look him in the eye, "We lost a baby. It was early. Aelin didn't want to tell everyone. Three years we tried to get pregnant, and finally, a test comes back positive. She was so happy."

"Shit," Fenrys says quietly. "I'm so sorry."

"It was there, and then it was gone. I thought Aelin was fine. She cried for a week, but then it was like a switch flipped, and she was back to normal." Rowan clenches a napkin in his fist. "I was devastated. It hurt like hell, but I didn't want to send her back into a depression." Rowan shakes his head at how stupid he'd been. "So I put some distance between us. I didn't want her to think I was upset with her."

"I didn't feel better," Rowan sips the whiskey, relishing the warmth. "It made me mad that she got over it so quickly, and I couldn't. I didn't realize that I was growing that space between us. I didn't understand how much guilt she harbored and that she tried to be strong for me. Not until she broke."

"We fought. I said all the wrong things. Aelin couldn't take it anymore, she left, and I didn't stop her." Rowan leans his head on his hands and elbows against the counter. "She's the love of my life, and I watched her walk out the door."

Fenrys sucks in a breath and sighs. "You are my best friend, and I mean this in the most loving way possible. Why the hell are you here?"

"What?" Rowan looks at Fenrys annoyed face.

"Get out of here. Go. I'll tell the boss you have ebola or some shit." Fenrys fishes his wallet out and throws cash on the bar. "I'll even cover the tab. Just leave. Now."

"What? I don't understand?"

Fenrys looks at Rowan like he's stupid. "No offense, but you are about as interesting as a brick wall. The fact you caught a girl like Aelin is astonishing. If you love her, are you honestly going to let her go on being miserable?"

"She's not miserable," Rowan scoffs.

Fenrys laughs bitterly. "You forget I'm pals with Aedion too? Aelin winds up at his house almost every evening crying her eyes out. You two are still hopelessly in love. You're just dumb and badly in need of a good conversation."

"Aelin is upset?" A sense of disbelief washes over him.

"Yes! She misses you, but she's under the impression you are off sleeping around." His face saddens. "I told Aedion you weren't. He knows I go on all of these trips with you. Aelin's just upset you're gone and needs to believe in something that can help her let go."

Rowan stands up, swaying. "I have to go."

"Hell yeah, you do. Give Aelin my love," Fenrys waves as Rowan vates the bar like a hawk out of hell.

Aelin sets the stack of papers in front of him.

Rowan had been camping out in his office ever since there disaster of an anniversary. He'd texted a few times, but every time they talked, it was like relighting a fuze. Things weren't getting better.

"What are these?" Rowan asks without looking up from his screen.

"Your ticket to freedom," Aelin sits in the chair across from him.

She looks thin, thinner than she did when Arobynn was her foster father. It physically hurts Rowan that he's causing her that kind of stress. Glancing at the papers, she slapped in front of him. His blood becomes like an ice river through his body. "Aelin-"

"I'm not the one for you. That's apparent now. I won't hold you hostage in a marriage that you aren't happy in." Aelin blinks, and a tear slides down her face. He wants to wipe it away, but he's beyond angry. She was giving up on them.

"If this is what you want," Rowan slides the papers towards him and pulls out a pen.

Rowan is racing the familiar paths to their apartment. He doesn't care that it's almost four in the morning. The plane ride between Perranth and Ornyth is mercifully short, but he can't force himself to wait another minute.

"Aelin," he yells through their door. "Baby, answer me. Open the door."

Rowan's fists tap a consistent rhythm on the door, and his heart skips a beat when a bedraggled Aelin finally appears. "Rowan, do you know what time it is?"

She's in a pair of grey flannel pajamas, not one of her usual silky numbers. Aelin's eyes are red around the edges, and her face is still dewy from the excessive amount of lotion he knows she loves to put on. Rowan knows all of her routines. All of her favorite outfits, comfort movies, and best memories. He knows the scar she has on her left hand from an abusive foster father. Rowan remembers how the bridge of her nose wrinkles when she's upset in the same spot her cousin's does.

He knows everything about her, because not only were they husband and wife, they were best friends.

How could he have let that go?

Before Aelin can ask any more questions, Rowan has swept her into his arms. "I missed you so damn much."

"Rowan, have you been drinking?" Aelin asks in a voice cracked with emotion.

His hands are running up her back, and his knows burrows into her hair. He's always loved the smell of her jasmine shampoo. "Fireheart, I never resented you for losing the baby."

"Rowan, I don't want to talk about this," Aelin tries to push him away, but he squeezes her into his chest, and she melts.

That had been his mistake. He should have held Aelik like this and never let her go on pretending to be happy. How could he know everything about this woman and not have seen past her facade? She'd suffered. His own pain had blinded him.

"Aelin, I've made so many mistakes lately." Rowan rubs the back of Aelin's neck the way she likes, and he can feel the sobs starting to build up inside of her. "But the greatest shame of my life is not being there for you when you needed me. I was stupid, Fireheart. I'm not going to be stupid any longer. This separation can't go on, we aren't any happier for it, and I can't live knowing I'm away from the other half of my soul."

Aelin cracks, and he can feel the tears wetting the front of his shoulder. "You were never home. I thought there was someone else, someone who could give you the things you wanted because I can't."

Her whole form is shuddering his arms, and Rowan squeezes tighter as if he can hold her broken pieces together. "It's always been you. I don't care if we adopt or never have any kids at all. All I need is you, baby. You are all I've ever needed."

Suddenly, hands are in Rowan's hair as Aelin crushes their lips together. The kiss is frantic, a relief of the stress they'd carried upon their shoulders.

"I missed you too," Aelin whispers in between kisses. “Gods I mussed you so much.”

The rest of their night is filled with soothing words, frantic kissing, and murmured apologies. Rowan kisses the tears from her cheeks and Aelin looks into his eyes like she’s home. Nail dig into skin as they promise never to be apart again.

For the first time in months they sleep in the same bed. Rowan sinks into a deep restful sleep with his wife in his arms once more. He loves the way her cold toes search out his heat. How Aelin fits so perfectly against his chest. When he wakes up and she’s still there, his heart nearly features from relief.

After months of pain, it's the beginning of their walk towards healing.

The days after aren't perfect. They had legal issues to sort back out, more problems to lay bare to the sunlight. There was arguing, but it lacked actual heat, and they didn't walk away feeling unloved at the end. No longer did they fight to land barbs. Their bickering now served to work towards solutions and to express needs.

Between struggles, the love began to grow back. Rowan kept his job at work, and when he was home, it was about them. He started calling her on his breaks again, and it always astonished him how much he missed the sound of her voice. They both strived to communicate their feelings better and actually listen instead of reacting.

Aelin surprised him with romantic dates, and Rowan read pages of her favorite books to her at night. They danced in the kitchen and laughed at their favorite shows.

Fixing their marriage was hard work, but Rowan and Aelin didn't mind. The separation proved that neither of them wanted a life without the other. It was to whatever end, and they wouldn't accept anything less for them.

On one Sunday morning, Rowan opens his eyes and realizes that Aelin isn't on her side of the bed. Panic surges in him, and he looks around to make sure her things are still there.

They are, and the tension eases from his shoulders until he hears soft crying from the bathroom. Darting out of bed, he grabs Aelin's bathrobe and knocks on their bathroom door. "Aelin, what's wrong?"

Had he screwed something up? Was she sick?

The lock clicks, granting him silent permission for him to come inside. Rowan pushes the door open and finds Aelin crying on the side of the tup. With gentle hands, he wraps her robe around her and throws an arm over her shoulders. "What's wrong?"

Aelin looks up at him, a radiant smile on her face. "Look."

Rowan glances down to her clenched fists and-

He blinks, once, twice. Aelin laughs at his dumbfounded face, and it breaks his paralysis. Rowan grabs her around the waist and spins her around the cramped bathroom, the positive pregnancy test clattering to the floor.

Aelin's arms wrap around his neck. The emotion in the room is raw and bittersweet, but there's a hopefulness that can't be denied. Rowan holds her tight as they process the news. When they break apart, the love between them is palpable. They had another shot at this, a fresh start.

Hards times would come and go, but good days were never far behind for them. Because for Aelin and Rowan, it's always been them.

And that's all they needed.

[misscrawfords]

I think you could suggest seeing something else that both of you would like, and buy the tickets. That way, you don't seem money-minded or anti-date, but at the same time, you're still paying him back. Do you know how much the concert ticket cost? If you don't know, you could pay him back by introducing him to something new. Cultural capital instead of economic capital. Maybe you could try out Syrian food at Imad Alarnab's restaurant? Profits go to an Aleppo hospital.

Haha I still haven’t texted him and it’s a week. But it was a bad and long week. Need to do so today… I’m thinking of definitely asking him in a casual way if I can make up for not buying him dinner by taking him out to another show (we ate salad from a canteen before the show last week!). And yes, I know how much the ticket was. And thanks for the restaurant rec - I love middle eastern food and I know he does as well. I mean, I am always up for hanging out with him!!

(And I’ve just signed up for Greek camp next year hahaha terrible idea. Must make sure I do not redevelop feelings for him.)

On an irrelevant note, does Hot Greek Tutor teach Greek, or is he from Greece?

He teaches Greek; he is English.

Hi, I went through a kind of similar experience as you. I hung out with a guy I had a major crush on who hardly ever asked me out (though he did show some attraction later on that our families *noticed* and then just left me). He paid for our meals and I always offered to pay him back. He always refused. But I was only an undergrad and he was earning an income and some years older than me. He was lonely and intellectually bored (I read more than most people) but we weren’t compatible.

That sounds a pretty awkward experience… I’m sorry it didn’t end the way you wanted.

I don’t think HGT is bored or lonely particularly - any more than anyone is, that is. He’s actually a couple of years younger than me but I am certain earns a good deal more than me considering the school he’s at. (I won’t mention it but… you will almost certainly have heard of it!) I don’t think that would matter though. We’re both professionals and I’m uncomfortable with not paying for relatively expensive things (the odd drink or piece of cake between friends is entirely different). I’m just very uncertain how to proceed in case I’m getting in the way of some dating rule book, even if it’s not a date. But when is a date not a date? Oh well, speculating about this is actually quite boring in the end. I think the suggestion of another show is a good idea.

People and relationships of all kinds are complicated, aren’t they?

I think things with Hot Greek Tutor are a little complicated because you used to have a crush on him. Just imagine he’s a platonic male friend with similar (niche) interests that you like hanging out with. I think maybe you could emphasise the niche interests you have in common, so that it looks like you’re part of the same group (even if you don’t meet often). Maybe complain that not many people like the same things? So you get to hang out again and pay for his share this time. 

I’m not sure I really need to do that. Like, we have plenty of stuff in common - not all of it weirdly niche! And we’re friends, in an odd way, where we hang out intensively for 2 weeks a year and then basically don’t see each other again or talk to each other all year apart from these odd meet-up(s). He’s a mixture of being genuinely pleased to spend time with me and interested in me and saying things that suggest he’d like to see more of me… and doing absolutely nothing to actually keep in touch with me or promote our friendships/whatever it is/could be.

Oh well, I’m not going to waste intellectual or emotional energy on it!

Men, eh!?

[actuallyschizoid]

You say a lot about Russia being such a bad place to live in, but why won't you leave it if you don't like it?

Yeah, I mention it occasionally in my posts. Generally not because I really like to mention Russia in any context (I don’t) or have any intention to make it sound like I’m complaining. But just because without this context a lot of what I say wouldn’t make much sense.

Like, why won’t I use some meds to help with ADD symptoms that I have along with szpd, and probably stop being useless piece of human junk whenever it comes to focussing on something important that I need to do? Well, there’s just one reason: all those meds are prohibited in this country and there’s no way to get them prescribed.

Or why is it such a big deal to keep my real name hidden? What are all those anon nicknames and over ten mailboxes are for? Why won’t I use it whenever I got a slightest chance to not use it? Why won’t I post my phone number and never allow access to my contacts to any app despite not having paranoid comorbid? Why my real name social networks accs are just about empty and I never actually use them?

Yeah, well it’s not just because I prefer to stay seclusive and don’t like when different people I know have a chance to know what I like, which sites I visit, what other people I might talk to and what are my interests. That’s also an important matter, but for the most part it’s for the safety reasons. Because I don’t really feel like risking it. There are already hostile groups trying to lure gay people out and beat them, so there’s no guarantee there won’t be similar group hunting any non-cis-straight people or schizoid people or just generally anyone who doesn’t fit in. Even if it’s far from highly probable scenario, would I leave those trails behind me when it’s not that hard to stay anon whenever possible, use Tor for confidential stuff, not cross-link different anon entities, etc.

Now, why wouldn’t I just leave? Well, it’s not exactly that I’m opposed to that idea in the essence. Actually, that’s something I plan for about as long as I remember. 

The main issue being my parents, whom I can’t leave behind. Which is another reason why being schizoid can really suck on occasion: if you happen to form attachment, there’s little to do about it. You don’t even have to feel attached to be incapable to just toss people to trash and keep on living. Somehow it works for non-schizoid people who position themselves as empathetic and emotional to just send their old parents to slowly die a horrible death in dirty wet sheets in some shitty facility that “takes care” of people who are no longer needed. Or just leave them leaving alone to live on $200 a month government benefit (yes, that’s the approximate sum old people here are suggested to live for). 

And somehow, despite lacking empathy, I don’t think I would ever be that cruel. I know it’s just about equals a murder and no, just the fact that it’s impossible to be condemned for, I’ve no intention to do such a thing even if at expense of a few years of my life. 

But let’s suppose that’s not/no longer a problem. What’s stopping me from moving somewhere? Yeah, well… technically only the fact that even all my financial resources combined, I guess I could afford some small flat in not-too-expensive country. But, being schizoid and all that, I have some solid doubts I’d be able to sustain the life there, having no high education, no proper skill or experience, and, most importantly, being limited by szpd in communication, working with/alongside other people, etc. So even if I manage to get out somehow, I have a high chance to starve to death on new place (though, to be honest, I have a rather high chance of the same fate here eventually, since without all the above the only difference is that here I have some property to give for a rent).

 And since getting married is not an option (coz asexuality and just general schizoidness), the only way for me to move somewhere is probably investment. For that I’d have to farm some money first. And that wouldn’t exactly be a problem if I had a good motivation — but that’s the big IF. Since my motivation is always at the bottom, just being theoretically able to come up with some smart solution how to get some money without going out of home and talking to people face to face (I have a few ideas even, and few have proven viable), I end up wasting day after day being stuck in the bed with a laptop doing absolutely nothing. >.> And that’s unlikely to change, really… 

So, I hope that answers your question, anon. Btw, while I don’t make any assumptions, first thought I had when I saw that message was “that sounds a lot like what russian people say to me whenever the russia-sucks subject comes up”. We even have this meme/saying, approximately translated as “suitcase, airport, ” — meaning something like “if you don’t like it here — don’t complain that something is wrong with this country, just get the fuck out to your favorite EU/US/whatever if you think there is better, you’ll sure be welcomed there *sarcasm*”. The ones to say that usually understand the ridiculousness of their suggestion and mean to say “don’t be picky, keep living in hell like everyone else, we suffer so you should too, but try if you want — you’ll fail just like we would”. Or perhaps you just live in some proper place and not quite aware that it’s not exactly just a matter of buying a ticket to move somewhere else. 

Eh, sorry about wall of text that is only somewhat relevant to the subject, but I can’t really answer with “fuck off” in two words — it has to be wall-of-text sized. ^^’

[sxmriddhi]

Hey, I hope you don't mind me asking, and if you do I get it, but your post earlier today made me curious. What happened with your old best friend? You seem to have mentioned them a few times on here and I wondered why you weren't talking and why you can't talk now.

Wow erm, that’s quite a story. It’s got lots of different parts to it so be prepared for a long post:

Me and my best friend (let’s call them Alexa) met in year 7. We were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to start a new school and met on the bus trips there. She was the introvert to my extrovert. We bonded over our various obsessions over the years (One Direction, Taylor Swift, A Rocket to the Moon, Les Mis, Wicked, Busted, books and TV shows - pretty much what you’d expect 11-16 year old’s to bond over) and we spent more and more time together over the years. It got to the point where Alexa was staying at my home every other weekend. We had inside jokes and shared so many secrets (this becomes important later). Alexa’s mom even went as far as to joke about paying rent for the amount of time her daughter spent at my house.

I also introduces Alexa to my other best friend (let’s call her Jo). Jo was in my class and we bonded around year 9. We quickly became close too because our school was unhealthy and relationships were either 100% or 0%. It meant that most people spent all their time with the same few friends. At that age you don’t realize how helpful a little space is because you don’t want to miss out on anything. It’s something I still have to remind myself of because of how unhealthy my relationships were in high school.

So through years 10-11, the three of us slowly became a team. By year 11, we were the three musketeers. We did everything together. We were the typical movie girl squad who geeked out and had sleepovers and went on adventures. All my pictures had those two in. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was the one who did all the planning. I invited them over. I made plans with them. I sorted out tickets and travel and meals out. My dad gave us rides and cooked us food. I spent money on birthdays and christmases because I thought that was what friends do.

What movies don’t tell you is that friendships aren’t supposed to be one-sided like that. They don’t show the planning or the person more invested in a friendship. They don’t show how unhealthy a friendship can become and how manipulated a young girl can feel with trying to impress her friends who, by all means, hadn’t necessarily done anything wrong…yet.

Sixth form arrived. And things fell to shit.

After a summer of anti-prom, summer trips, talking about our futures, looking forward to the next two years, I came back to school and continued with my life. We were in a larger group of friends that had sort of amalgamated Alexa’s class friends and my class friends. Alexa got to know my wider group. But she also began to withdraw from it all slightly. I could tell something was wrong and eventually she felt comfortable enough to confide in me: she had a crush on a girl in our group. Now, this isn’t a big deal to anyone I know. The issue is that this is an all girls school. The girl that Alexa liked had a girlfriend. Alexa’s family was slightly religious. Alexa wasn’t sure if the feelings were romantic or just a close friendship. She didn’t feel any sexual feelings and was still emotionally attracted to men as well so it was all confusing for her.

Now, let’s introduce character number three: Let’s call her Vicky. Vicky was horrible. She’d always been horrible to me. In year 12 I had gotten the lead role in our school musical and she’d thrown a fit. She claimed it was an attempt for the school to look racially inclusive rather than just due to me deserving the part. She turned people against me. She spread rumours about me and tore me down. She was everything that a school bully entails. But she was also subtle about it. She was sly and slow and her comments were barely noticable. Her tone was slightly different or her word choices were slightly off. She’d fail to say hello to me when sitting with my entire group of friends. She’d conveniently place more faith in others when we were told to work in a group. She’d forget to invite me to things. 

She wanted to know Alexa’s secret. So I covered for Alexa. I told everyone that I was the one struggling with feelings for someone and that Alexa was helping me. Then, once Alexa became comfortable enough to tell our friends about her feelings but wouldn’t say who it was, I told people it was me so that the heat would disperse and they would stop prying. I did this all with Alexa’s permission. I made sure she wanted this to happen so that she didn’t have to face the others. Then she told the girl she liked (via a letter - this is also important) and they finally got together. But Alexa was still unhappy. She realized it wasn’t just her sexuality that was changing but her gender identity. She trusted me with this secret and I kept it. I supported her through all the choices and changes she made. I called her Alex and, in private, used the pronouns he/him (which I will adopt from hereafter). Alex finally told our friends when he felt ready but quickly began to withdraw from me and I couldn’t understand why. All I’d done was support and love him? I just wanted him to be happy.

Alex, Jo and I had a plan to watch the Teen Wolf finale in March that year at my house before meeting the rest of our friends the next day to go ice skating. Suddenly Jo had to pull out for an “emergency opticians appointment”. Bit sketchy but okay. She said she’d meet me on Saturday for ice skating instead. Then a few days later Alex said he was busy with family matters so would meet me on Saturday along with the others too. I accepted it. I felt slightly hurt but understood their reasoning. On Friday afternoon, I double checked the times we were all meeting before we left school and on Saturday I had my dad drive me to where we were going to meet to find…. nobody.

Nobody was there. I called everyone. Someone eventually picked up and explained that the time had changed and hadn’t anyone told me? They’d already been and gone. But why had nobody questioned my absence if so? Wouldn’t you worry that your friend hadn’t shown up to a preplanned meeting?

I felt humiliated. I’d been abandoned by my friends and my dad had to watch it all happen. I was crying and inconsolable. That Monday I went to ask what had happened and was told that it had been Alex’s idea to disinvite me. I didn’t understand. What had I done that was so wrong? I was so hurt and felt so betrayed. We’d been friends for six years and this was how it would end? Didn’t I even deserve a letter detailing what Alex felt about me? Did I mean less to him than his crush had?

We didn’t speak for the rest of that school year. I didn’t speak to any of them. None of them had stood up for me and nobody came to console me after I left the group. None of them cared enough to check up on me. They’d all just accepted my absence.

Year 13 began after an incredibly lonely summer. I sat alone for lots of my free time before slowly attempting to repair what was broken. Another mistake on my part. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Why should I be attempting to make amends? But I did. It started with small smiles and little hellos. I tried to support Alex when he got into a huge fight with Jo. He wrote her a letter detailing his feelings then too. Once again, why did everyone except me deserve an explanation? We didn’t discuss the incident in March. I picked his name in secret santa that year and used the opportunity to detail a personal, heartfelt card along with my gift to him, expressing how much I’d loved knowing him this last 7 years. In January we even went on a trip to London together. Things were slowly normalizing.

Then his stepfather died. Then his grandfather. Then he started hanging out with Vicky. Then he told her my secrets and stopped speaking to me again. He made cryptic posts about me on his blog. He cancelled plans. He laughed in my direction. He started spreading rumours. He broke my heart all over again.

He and Vicky became inseparable. Nobody understood it but it happened. And the group divided along with them. He called me a bad friend and a terrible person on his blog. He wrote about how he didn’t want to be friends with me and didn’t like me at all. He spoke of his new friend and how she was so much better. How he’d wasted time with me. I checked his blog every day. I read through the posts obsessively and tried to analyse his feelings. I tried to understand if he was having a good day or a bad day. I wanted to be able to help him if he was hurting, even after everything he was doing to me.

More fights happened and more tears were shed. I can’t even remember half the things that were said and done because I was so disorientated by the whole situation. I wasn’t eating right. I wasn’t sleeping well. I had exams that I couldn’t focus on. I felt like I was disintegrating. I’d spent seven years loving this person - nearly half of my life - only for them to toss me aside like I was nothing. We had grown up together. We’d painted my room together. We’d lived our lives together. But not anymore. Now he had Vicky.

What do you do when your best friend starts spending time with the one person who made your high school life a living hell? You panic.

I spent almost every Friday afternoon crying alone because of him. I had panic attacks and nightmares. I had no self-esteem and little hope at ever making any friends again. I had to see the school councillor.

Being in a bad situation doesn’t give you an excuse to be a dick.

But I still tried. I made a gift for his mother as she’d lost her father and partner within months. I wrote her a letter explaining that I was sorry I couldn’t be around to help more due to the situation with her daughter (she didn’t know about his gender identity changes yet so I had to write daughter) but that if she required any help that my family was always available for them. I spent nearly £100 on gifts that I knew they’d like and things that we’d shared over the years. I left the gift with a neighbour to give to them and then left. 

Days passed…then weeks, months even. I heard nothing back. Did they get the gift? Had the neighbour stolen it? What had happened? I plucked up the courage to text Alex and received the nail in the coffin of our relationship. He said he wanted me to stop pretending to be his friend. He called me selfish and heartless and a bitch. He said I shouldn’t have gotten his mother involved (in what? I can’t tell you because I don’t know myself) and that i should just never speak to him again. He said he’d thrown the box out and wanted nothing from me. I cried again. I felt alone again. What had I done? I thought I was doing a good deed.

That was the last time I heard from him until I started university. That summer had been about reinventing myself. I’d gone to the gym. Hell, I’d gone to New York! I’d been in a car accident. I’d changed my own life. I moved to uni and used a different name, leaving my old nickname in high school. I created a Facebook account to make new friends here. I deleted old phone numbers and cut my hair. I made a resolution to stop checking his blog obsessively. I tried to become someone new. 

I was in my new room in the dormitories and posted a video on snapchat of my friend using the tambourine he’d previously gifted to me before I threw it out. I didn’t have Alex on any social media so I wasn’t being spiteful. It was just a fun night in my room, ridding myself of any old, bad memories. A few days later I got a message from him demanding it back. I had trashed it and I didn’t want to speak to him so I didn’t respond. Then I received another message, then an email, then more messages over the next few months all threatening to “take things further” unless I returned his property. I blocked all the numbers, deleted the emails. Then he tried to add me as a facebook friend. I didn’t want that. I was finally moving on. Then he had his new boyfriend and other flatmates try to contact me. I blocked them too.

Even up until just a month ago, I get random attempts to contact me. I can’t go back there. The situation was unhealthy. I can’t return to that person that I was. He changed me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust someone that freely again. I live in fear that he’ll be the closest thing to a relationship I’ll ever experience. That he’ll be the only person I ever loved enough to let all the way in. I’m scared that he was my person and I’ll never have someone like that again.

We all talk about how when you break up with your partner, it kills a part of you. Nobody ever talks about when you break up with your person. He was my person. And losing him killed me.