#now. i am a little nervous to go into the 5th and 6th games. because i have heard very little about them.

[jesterwaves]

i finished apollo justice. i understand now

[reverielix]

hellooo, since i am very into astrology as well, i’d love if you could do a lee know as boyfriend based on his chart^^ i know we still don’t know about his venus sign (if libra or scorpio), so just choose which one you think suits him best, thank you in advance!

Ooo this sounds fun👀💕

First of all, I’m pretty convinced he’s a Gemini rising (8pm), which means he has a Scorpio Venus. His voice (2nd house) sounds more like Cancer (calming, rather comforting, not very high) than Sagittarius-like (high-pitched, loud, mood-maker) and he just gives me Gemini vibes haha He gives off a playful appearance more than an intense aura (though his glares send Hyunjin running, I think that’s more his inner Scorpio stellium coming through). If he’s a Gemini rising, his chart ruler would be in Scorpio, which could give him that more round face, and in the 6th house, which could give him a youthful appearance paired with those eyes🥰. Lastly, his rising’s decan would be Libra, which could also contribute to a rather round face than the typical Gemini rising’s rather slim appearance (+ Libra rules the butt lol and we all know Minho‘s shameless liking toward the members’ butts haha) He’s also pretty outgoing and chatty, which his mc in Aquarius and Gemini rising can also point at. I do want to point out that guessing any celebrity’s placements is like trying to guess their mc persona chart’s placements because their image is very controlled and what they do is extremely calculated/regulated.

So now that we’ve settled that, let’s get started!!💫

⇢ confession/beginning stages

I feel like he would be really flirty and straightforward because of his rising and Mercury as well as his Venus. His flirting style is versatile and adaptable to the person (Moon in Sagittarius in the 7th house, Gemini rising), and at first he’d try to keep it less intense, smile/smirk a little (his smile also contributes to my tendency to view him as a Gemini rising rather than a Scorpio rising😌).

When he’s gotten more comfortable around the other person and they seemingly are comfortable around him as well, he’d start letting his intense aura and Scorpio stellium come to shine as he’d enjoy making the other person feel flustered, though his Scorpio Venus suggests that he’d love for somebody to do that with him as well, seeing as his Sun-Venus conjunction doesn’t only indicate confidence, but also that he’s attracted to people who are similar to him.

His confession would be overall heartfelt, genuine, romantic and intense. His way with words (moon in 7th since he’s talking about his emotions here, Gemini rising, well aspected Mercury) would allow him to talk without stuttering too much or at all, though I can see him being nervous (his emotions are strong, and when he loves, he LOVES).

⇢ overall behavior in relationship

Once he finds himself in a relationship with somebody, he’d be pretty dedicated and loyal, which he’d expect from his partner as well. Other than Jeongin for instance, he wouldn’t be really big on personal space, instead he would be keen on skin ship and always want to touch his s/o’s butt 🤭.

His Venus lies in opposition to his Saturn in Taurus (no orb), which suggests feelings of insecurity and unworthiness which stems from criticism by authority figures and lack of affection (especially from a father or father-figure). Here, the planet of relays and restrictions can indicate a late recognition of that he deserves happiness instead of pity and love instead of loneliness (this aspect also indicates a feeling of unworthiness of financial success, so he may feel like he doesn’t deserve his place as an idol). Loving himself can thereby be a challenging road that he for a long time didn’t even know he had to take. This can result in insecurities being projected onto the other person or a detachment from his s/o as he is scared to show them all of him out of fear of rejection or not being accepted. Just like with all Saturn aspects, with hard work and age comes a great deal of contentment and what he’s understood he deserves (money and love in regards to Venus and Saturn).

Meanwhile, Neptune is in a square with Venus, (1° orb) which points out a deception and inability to draw a clear line between judgement and his gut feeling. In this case, he can take things his s/o says very personally, though he might act as if nothing’s wrong (Scorpio stellium,...). People with this aspect typically dream to escape reality as well as are languid and messy (missing/coming late to dates although he’s strongly dedicated to the relationship, he may just forget or feel secretly hurt about something that wasn’t really offensive but he made out to be). This sensitivity toward what others say feeds into the Saturn-Venus aspect and a feeling of inadequacy and dishonorability. Overall, his Venus (love style, behavior in relationships, desires, attraction) is badly aspected in his chart, though his s/o and their personality is a key-point to look at in any relationship.

As a boyfriend in general, Minho may be extremely emotionally invested, possessive, devoted and sharing. Once he’s with someone, he gives himself to that person. Additionally, his Venus in the 5th along with his Sun in the 5th and conjunct his Venus suggest a very present and, again, dedicated lover who loves with his whole heart and all he’s got (meanwhile he makes an effort to look especially detached and funny/playful in public or in front of cameras, which, among other placements, his mc in Aquarius hints at). Lastly he may be excellent at boosting his partner’s confidence, yet may also need validation back. (Can I just say that his Sun and Venus in the 5th make his chart the one of a born performer, which obviously shows + his love for art shows here as well🤓😊.)

⇢ dates

His Scorpio Venus in the 5th makes me think of spontaneous, grand-gesture dates that take place where he’s granted privacy with his s/o and everything’s only about the two. He may wants to move around, like go to an abandoned park where the grass is a little too high and play games/teach them a dance before they watch the stars when the night comes🥺💫. I can see him being very romantic and bold, so he may just sneak kisses here and there (5th house suggests spontaneity and the thrill of surprises). Here are brief moments of how I imagine a date with him:

“I’m bored. Let’s go somewhere.”

he walks toward his room’s red oak panel door

“Where do you want to go?”

your naked feet follow his to the cold stone floor behind the door

“Let’s decide on the way.”

over pine trees and bushes his reflection distracts you

eyes are narrowed when he’s concentrated, wrinkles adorn his cheeks

“5 minutes.”

“Huh?” you turn your head

“I’ve figured out a place, we’re only gonna need another 5 minutes.”

“Want a kiss? Come and get it then!”

he trips over dandelions and grass, smug-smiling, and doesn’t slow down

your feet stomp the grass, your determination takes over

after two breaks of resting your arms on your thighs, he gives in, lets you win

“I did that on purpose.”

“I don’t care.”

right legs cross the lefts and knees buckle while arms swing up, fingers fold out and eyebrows are raised

dancing is way harder than it looks, you’ve just figured

behind gracious twirls hide strength and control, something the slippery lawn hampers

“No, the feet need to be pointed in a different angle.” Minho held his hands out flat.

amidst your ambition to strech your arm “elegantly”, sunset hugs your silhouettes around the shadows

distant stars create a pattern in everless darkness, the waning gibbous moon sheds light

“Do you ever think of death?” your eyes dart the distance

“Like how? Don’t we all?” his trace the sharp shadow of your nose cast on your cheek

“We’re just such a small fragment of the universe. Gone before it even noticed us.”

“No, I believe we’re here for a reason. I think we have a big presence in the universe. Life is so magical, and so is death. It scares most, because it’s unpredictable. But so is tomorrow.”

Existential conversation with Minho™️

⇢ kisses

Ooooooo his s/o is in for something😳 The Scorpio stellium and 5th house Sun conjunct Venus suggests passion and bold, unexpected actions. He doesn’t just kiss for fun. If he kisses, he KISSES. The Virgo Mars also adds a feeling of security. I can see how he likes “crossing lines” and being bold, though it feels comfortable and safe. A lil types of kisses list...

obvi the passing food one lol

a sudden one that takes the other’s breath away

one in which he holds the other’s waist/cups their cheeks and forgets about everything around him

salty ones after a reunion or fight

one in which breaths are shared

a combination of kisses he thought of the night before when he couldn’t sleep (very unusual, but if anyone can pull it off with confidence, it’s Minho)

It was so much fun making this haha💞 hope u like it!🌫

[yamithediaperdork]

Cry baby and Pee pants, part 1 (Digimon)

Matt cussed loud and long as he searched though his locker and the dressing room for the 5th time. The young blond had been trying out for a band, hoping to launch his music carer after more or less calling it quits as a digi destined, after barely keeping Tokyo from being blown up by a rouge digimon. This was actually his 6th audition, his young age and well, not exactly stellar skills on the guitar meant that he was told thanks for trying out, but he wasn't right for any of the bands till now. The leaping lizards had gushed over the raw talent being there, and had welcomed him on board, even pouring him a couple drinks of sake despite him being underage to celebrate. The last thing Matt recalled before waking up five hours later was them laughing at how stupid he was and.. Giving up the search, he had to finally admit the truth. they hadn't ever been serious about their offer to join the band and had just wanted to steal his guitar, a newer model and worth at least 300 bucks even being pawned. 'I suppose I should feel lucky I woke up with both kidneys.' Matt thought to himself. 'But how the fuck am I suppose to try out for the lone wolfs in two days with no instrument?' There was NO way he'd be able to get his parents to get him anther guitar, he'd had to basically break out the water works and plead on his knees for a month to get the last one. His antics had earned him the nick name of cry baby around both his dad's house and his mom's, and TK still wasn't letting it go and would ask if baby wanted his ba-ba. That left asking the others for a few loans, and most of them weren't too pleased he'd given up the hero game for fortune. Joe was blowing all his money on his studies anyways, Izzy on computer junk.. Sora and Mimi had been giving him the cold shoulder and he knew neither Kari nor TK would have the cash. '...I wonder if Tai's still hella gay?' Matt though, a Cheshire grin coming across his face. the always needy boy kisser had been good for getting a few video games before and junk, it was like 20 minutes of gay stuff like smooching and cuddling and then a little shopping spree AND Tai had just come into a fat wad of cash after a uncle that adored him had left him a big hefty inheritance. 'I can gay out for like, a hour for this.' Matt thought and getting his bag (and of course finding his wallet dry) he headed towards home, thinking about getting a even better guitar then before.

Tai was shocked when Matt called him the next morning, asking if he could meet up. After Matt had ditched the team only Tai and TK made any real efforts to hang with him, and TK only because they were brothers. In truth Izzy was giving Tai a hard time about it, but since Izzy was being a little bitch about a lot of things lately Tai just ignored his on and off again boyfriend. 'I mean, I was willing to get him that new computer he wanted and he couldn't rock a pamper butt for me? RUDE!' Tai thought and huffed. It was Tai's new fetish, and one he'd discovered by mistake when googling more on that Willis kid and finding out the little cutie had a website set up to show him modeling in diapers. Naturally seeing that Tai had begged and pleaded with Izzy to try out diapers but apparently Izzy had been a late bloomer and had only recently gotten out of daytime diapers before their whole adventure started. Naturally this had only made Tai wanna diaper him more, but again, Izzy was being a little pecker head about it. (at least from Tai's point of view.) 'heh. if Matt is expecting a little shopping spree today..he's in for a surprise. the boy is gonna earn it.' Tai thought, and went and checked on the supplies he kept under his bed on the off chance he lucked into a diaper boy. there they were, 2 packs of the diaper brand Willis recommended on his site, nice and thick, and a few onesies along with a changing pad and pacifiers and a baby bottle. 'Oh yeah..come onnn Matt..be desperate for money~'

Matt made sure to wear a nice tight sleeveless top and a pair of tight jeans (So tight he'd needed TK's help getting into them.) and made sure to spike his hair just the way that Tai liked it. TK wasn't dumb though, and knew what Matt was doing. "Looking good for your sugar daddy Cry baby." He teased and winked. "Your lucky Tai's expecting me, or I'd give you the noogie to end all noogies." Matt said, raising a eyebrow. it was just the two of them at their mothers apartment at the moment and TK used to know better then to push his luck when it was just them. "Mmhhhhmm.. your dadddy calls and cry baby Matt comes running. maybe HE'S gonna give ya yer ba-ba~" TK giggled. the giggles died off as TK saw the look on Matt's face, and when their mom would get back she'd find TK hanging by his undies from a nail on the wall. "...pushed cry baby too far again huh?" she asked, smirking and taking off her jacket. "Y-Yeah..uh..a little help?"TK squeaked. "Righttt after I put the groceries away.. think of this as time to reflect on watching your mouth." mom said and walked away. "B-But my undies are so far up my crack i can taste themmm!" TK whined. "then I don't need to worry about lunch." came the reply. "...Funny fucker aren't you." TK huffed under his breath, crossing his arms. "I hear that!"

Making his way to Tai's Matt got more then a few looks from both guys and girls, and likewise, a few wolf whistles. He ignored them for the most part, but had a smirk on his face knowing just how sexy he looked and soon was knocking on Tai's door. Tai gave him a once over as he opened the door and Matt smirked, he was almost drooling. "So, Like what you see?" Matt asked, and flexed a arm. "heh, Oh yeah. so gonna stand out there and look hot, or come inside and tell me what you want?" Tai asked, standing aside and gesturing into the apartment. "Don' worry, Kari had a school thing out of town and mom and dad are with her.I have you allll to myself." Tai added, slapping Matt's ass as he walked past, making Matt yelp and blush. Still, Matt knew what was expected of him for the most part and just flashed Tai a grin and blew a kiss. 'fucking bastard! he knows i hate spanking stuff!' Matt fumed. Matt went to sit down on the couch by Tai had closed the door and taken a seat in a arm chair, then patted his lap. '..He's totally getting me the latest guitar if he keeps this shit up.' Matt fumed, but walked over and sat on Tai's lap,putting his arms around the bigger boy. Matt might of been taller, but with all the sports that Tai played he had a bulked up look and was pound for pound much stronger. "So, You normally only get THIS dressed up if you want something, so what's my little Mattie need?" Tai asked, cradling Matt in a way that Matt recognized as using back when TK was toddler. "I..I uh..I have a band audition coming up..but some jerk's stole my guitar..and um.." Matt swallowed and then batted his eyes at Tai. "I was wondering, hoping if maybe you'd get me a new one.I've been practicing my kissing and we can cuddle and stuff for like, 2 hours even!" "heh. Well that IS a tempting offer. doubly so when your cute ass is in my lap. but I have a boyfriend if I just wanted to make out with a cutie. and Izzy is willing to go all the way." Tai chuckled. "O-Oh..but..I uh..I'm not..you...know..I'm.." Matt stammered. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna make you suck dick or take it up the poop chute. and I WILL get you whatever kinda guitar you want for your silly little audition which by the way is when?" Tai asked, kissing Matt's forehead and making alarm bells go off in the blond mind. "I-It's tomorrow at 3 pm sharp. And..what do you want then?" Matt asked, a nervous twitch to his voice. "Oh nothing too much. something really easy actually." Tai said and smiled. 'Bullshit' Matt thought but kept the smile on his face. "and that is?..." "For every say.. 20 dollars I spend on your little guitar I get one hour with you being my darling little diaper boy." "..What?!"

Tai smirked as he got ready to put Matt back into padding. the blond was looking huffy as fuck, but was keeping his mouth shut all the same, likely trying not to blow his semi good deal. Tai of course fully understood WHY Matt wouldn't be happy with the deal, but couldn't help but tease the impending little uy a little bit. "Awww come on widdle Mattie, can't you give daddy a smile? Your making daddy think you don't wanna do our widdle deal." He he teased, reaching over and tickling mat''s chin while the blond sat cross legged next to him. "...Your a sick man, you know that?" Matt asked, but he was grinning all the same, though whether it was from the chin tickles or humoring him Tai couldn't be sure. "Flattery will get you everywhere." Tai said with a wink, and as he finished getting the changing pad (with a adorable teddy bear print) set up and the changing supplies ready, he looked over Matt's jeans as he tugged out 3 of the thick puffy diapers. "So, are gonna be able to get out of those by yourself? they almost look spray painted on." Tai asked. "I can totally undress myself!" Matt huffed and stood up, unbuttoning the jeans and sliding his thumbs into the belt loops and tugging. And tugging some more. and then more tugging as they didn't budge. "You were saying?" Tai asked, in a clearly delighted tone. "..Shut up and help me get these things off." Matt huffed.

Matt was crimson after they FINALLY got his jeans off, partly due to the fact it had taken 10 minutes of effort, and well, needing Tai's help to undress. Not helping matters was the fact that Matt had chosen to go commando and well, liked to keep it shaved down there. "Awww somebody was a good boy and knew what was coming and saved daddy some time!" Tai teased. 'oh shut the fuck up!' Matt thought. "Yeah, let's go with that." was his sulky reply. Tai had oddly grabbed a razor blade all the same and cut silts in the back and front of two of the three massive diapers he was planing on putting on Matt, making the blond give his impending 'daddy' a weird look. "It's so when you go tinkle, the wetness is shared and you can go longer in your diapies. Same for when you go boom boom." Tai said cheerfully. THAT had caused the blush to leave Matt's face, at least for a little bit as he paled. "W-Wait.. you mean..you want me to.. uh.. go.." Matt stammered, and the blush returned as he struggled to say the words, then hissed and blew a raspberry. "in my diapers!?!" "..Ok that was hella cute. and Yup, I'm even gonna be nice and let you use them all on your own for today, though if I don't like the results I'm seeing I'll be sure to get you some potty med's to help." Tai said and winked, then patting the changing mat. "come on Little guy, let's get your diapies on and then you can sit in daddies lap while we order you a guitar so you can make music for daddy." "But..I thought we were going and getting one today!" Matt whined. "Oh, does somebody wanna go out shopping in his diapers? So bold!" Tai teased. "NO! I just..uh.." mental images of Matt waddling around in the big bulky diapers, holding Tai's hand and sucking his thumb flooded his mind and he started to squirm lots even as he laid down on the changing pad. "Don't worry. I'll pay for rush delivery. if we get it in town it'll be here by this afternoon. Maybe I'll let my little exhibitionist answer the door." Tai teased, and grabbed the first diaper. '...I could really go for anther glass of sake right now.' Matt thought and lifted up his butt like a good boy.

Back at the apartment TK was having pain fueled day dreams of all the times his undies hadn't of been lodged up his crack and wished his mom would hurry up and come and get him down. Not helping the whole situation was the fact that he had a growing bladder issue and any attempt's to shift around and relive the pressure there only made the undies ride up more. His mom had gone from putting things away to excuse herself to the bathroom, an like she was the worlds greatest comedian she'd told him not to move, and to hang in there. TK had wisely kept his opinions of her humor to himself as he had a sneaking suspicion that his earlier comments had helped extend his wedgie time. Still as the need to tinkle grew more and more TK couldn't keep quiet. "MOMMY! I hafa go pee! if you don't wanna clean up a puddle you needa get me down NOW!" He called. the bathroom door opened and Nancy walked out, smirking. "Why didn't you say something sooner wedgie boy?" she asked, taping a finger on his nose. "...You were just waiting in there!?!" TK shouted and huffed, crossing his arms and glaring. Sadly as his attention was focused on his mom and being mad at her, it was diverted from where it needed to be. "Well you were being a little brat an-" She started, then looked down as a hissing noise was heard and looked at the growing wet patch on the front of TK's undies, and the puddle that was starting to form on the floor. "Really?" "T-This is your fault!" TK huffed even as she grabbed him under the arms and lifted him down, though holding him away from her so she didn't get any pee on her. The flow was weakling and stopping as she got him on his feet, turning him so he could add to the puddle while not standing in it since he was in socks. (not that they weren't already wet) "Mhmm.. Well go and finish in the bathroom and clean up." She said, rolling her eyes then noticed a super guilty look on TK's face. "The..flow DID stop because you got it under control right?" She asked, a smirk tugging on her face. "Er..well..see.." TK said, rubbing the back of his head and chuckling nervously. "Go grab a shower pee pants, and meet mommy in your room. you know the rule for pant's wetters in this house." She said and turned away to go and get the mop and bucket as TK whined. "MOOOM! NOT THE PULL UPS!"

Back at Tai's and Matt was powdered and tapped in his triple thick white diapers, and squirming like crazy as he looked at himself in the mirror. Tai had tugged off his shirt so at the moment Matt was JUST in his white socks and white diapers, and he couldn't even close his legs! and as bad as it looked from the front, once he turned around and looked over his shoulder it was WAY worse in the back! He hadn't of even been able to get to his feet without Tai's help (well, he was gonna use Tai's bed to pull himself up but Tai had insisted daddy was here to help) and to say he was waddling was a massive understatement. "So what do you think little guy?" Tai asked, coming up behind him and making Matt look front ward in the mirror again, kissing Matt's cheek as he patted Matt's fat diapered bottom. "...I feel like I'm gonna knock lamps off of end tables, and there should be a beeping noise when i back up!" Matt whined. "heh, cute idea. I'll see what i can rig up for your next diaper day with daddy." Tai chuckled and kissed Matt's cheek. 'I need to stop giving him ideas.' Matt mentally groaned. "Can I at least put my shirt back on or something? or you have some shorts I can put over these? I wanna try and cover the diapers up!" Matt whined. "oh, You're just in luck little guy! Daddy DOES have something to go over your adorable huggies." Tai said. The old familiar warning bells were going off in Matt's head as Tai went and reached under the bed, and pulled out two onesie's, or as Matt called them, diaper shirts. One was light blue with a yellow trim on the sleeves, neck and leg hole, and had a yellow star on the front, that had a smiling face and said 'daddies little star' under it in yellow text. the second one was a white one with a dinosaur print all over it, and Matt fought the urge to facepalm. 'I really need to start watching my goddamn mouth.' he thought. "So buddy, what do you thin? wanna be my widdle star, or a dino boy?" Tai asked. "Gee, they're BOTH so tempting." Matt said, unable to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. If Tai noticed though he didn't show it and just nodded instead. "You're right, I'll pick for you." '...REALLY need to just keep my effing mouth shut!'

In the end Tai went with the little star onesie, though he'd over estimated just how thick he could go and still use them as it was a bit of a fight to get the crotch snaps to close. "I think after we get you your little guitar, we'll go shopping and get more cute outfits for my widdle musician." Tai said. He could tell Matt was less then pleased, but the boy forced a smile on his face and nodded. "whatever you want ta-" he started to say. "ah ah ah, when your butt is in diapers, it's DADDY. Got it?" Tai said, wagging a finger and smirking. "..Yeah OK." Matt replied, rolling his eyes. "yeah OK what?" Tai questioned, the grin getting bigger. "...Yeah OK daddy." Matt said, smiling but clenching his teeth. Tugging Matt over/ helping the padded cutie keep his balance, Tai sat down in his big comfy computer chair and tugged Matt into his lap, giving the big baby's neck a kiss. "Now did you have a certain store in mind, or just want me to google and shop around?" Tai asked.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #346

“i was in a car crash (or was it the war?)  /  but i’ve never been quite the same”

Do you take lessons for anything? No. Has something really heavy ever fallen on you? Not to my recollection. If you wear makeup, what colors do you usually wear? I don't wear makeup frequently whatsoever, but if I do put some on, it's always black. Does your shower have curtains or a glass door/wall? Curtains. If you have more than one pet, do they ever get jealous of each other? Well, one is a snake and one is a cat, so no, they don't. Is there a room in your house that you don’t like going in? No. Do you remember the last question you were asked? What did you answer? Well, besides in this survey, Mom asked me if I wanted some shrimp she didn't finish. A true stunner, but I didn't want anymore. Besides salt and butter, do you put anything on your popcorn? Nothing other than what was mentioned. Are you lonely? To be totally transparent, I'm extremely lonely on multiple levels. What’s your favorite magazine to read? Don't have one. Do you like pineapple? Yeah. But keep it off my pizza. Have you ever seen fireflies? Yeah, they're common in the summer here. Have you ever trespassed? Not to my knowledge. My sister, neighbor, and I regularly visited this shack as kids, just exploring and checking stuff out, and someone eventually did approach us and tell us to leave, but idk if anyone ACTUALLY owned the property? We never saw any signs. Do you tell your parents where you are going? Yeah; if I live with them, they have the right to know. Do you agree with the notion that all people were created equal? Yeah. Do you raise your hand or participate in class? I did. Do you like visiting the mall? Why or why not? Not really, no. Too many people, too many stores I don't care about, too much walking. Have you ever purposely hurt an animal? I've given pets a pop when they've done something wrong, but seriously hurt, fuck no. Would you ever see a therapist? I've seen a therapist consistently since the 6th grade. Are you afraid of heights? Yes. I used to not be, but it's a fear I've developed over time for no apparent reason. Are you afraid of the dark? No. Are you a jealous person? I was literally just thinking about this yesterday how much I hate how I've developed a jealous and envious side. It's not a feeling I used to experience like at all, so it's very uncomfortable to feel. When is your birthday? February 5th. What are you listening to right now? A John Wolfe playthrough of The Sinking City. It's really interesting and is making me wanna read Lovecraft books, haha. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing? Probably at some point. Are you still friends with someone from kindergarten? No. What is the most important thing to you? My mental health. Do you like whip cream? NO. The taste is fine, but I can't handle the texture of it. Are you close to your mother? Very. Are you close to your father? Yeah, but not as close as I am with my mother. Do you walk around bare foot when you're at home? Or do you wear socks? Yeah, I stay barefoot. Do you like chocolate popsicles? Yessss, I love them. Would you ever be your school’s mascot who wears that costume? Ew, no. Would you rather see the Great Wall of China or Big Ben? Probably the Great Wall. Have you ever written a poem? I've written loads. Would you ever be a tornado chaser? FUCK no. Never, ever, EVER. what is your favorite thing to eat with bbq sauce, if you even like that stuff? I hate barbecue sauce. Your parents tell you that this summer, you get to pick the vacation. Where do you plan to go? As a family? Maybe Alaska. What do you think is a good theme for a prom? Um, maybe princesses and princes? It sounds cute, leave me alone. Have you ever had to do a class in summer school? No. Do you get nervous when you go to the doctor? About what? Not very, but somewhat. I'm always terrified to get on the scale and am also afraid I'll find out I have diabetes with how heavily it runs in my family, and I'm not exactly healthy. Have you ever been to the rainforest? No. As cool as it would be, I would neeeever manage. The humidity would murder me. Have you ever created a website? Yeah, a few. Ever thought about writing a book? Yeah. Have you ever had a dream where you killed someone? I don't think so, but I have nightmares ALL the time where I'm fighting to defend myself. Do you ever make up stories in your head and wish they come true? Daydreams? Oh, yes. Which is worse: stuffy nose or runny nose? STUFFY. Having a runny nose surely isn't fun either, but at least you can have tissues handy. Which is worse: Sick to your stomach or sore throat? 100% sick to your stomach. I do nooot respond well to stomach pain. Do you think your last relationship was a disaster? Not at all. Have you ever solved a Rubik’s Cube? No. Who do you think is the easiest to talk to? Sara or Mom. Would you consider yourself to be emo? I don't care for stereotypes, I'm whatever. Do you have a favourite metal band or do you not like metal? I love metal, and my favorite artist is of course Ozzy Osbourne. What is your current desktop picture? My favorite picture of my late dog Teddy. Thick or thin blanket? I like thick ones. Cozier. Who are your favorite bands? Everyone knows my #1 is Ozzy, so I'll list some of my others that just fall behind him (in no order): Metallica, Otep, Marilyn Manson, Korn, In This Moment, Powerwolf, Motionless In White, Rammstein, A Day to Remember, Cradle of Filth, Mother Mother... There's a lot, really. How do you mark through your word search puzzles? It depends on what I have at my disposal, really. I think typically I would just circle the words with a pencil, but I'd prefer to use a highlighter. Have you ever sewn something? No. What did you eat for dinner last night? Mom made shrimp scampi with a side of white rice. It was delicious. Ever been grounded? If so, for what? Yeah, on multiple occasions. I think the longest was when I ran away from home. Have you seen all of the Jaws movies? No; I've only seen the first one with Tyler. I did, however, have the video game as a kid, and I LOVED it. I could never beat the final stage, though. :( When was the last time you played cards? (not on the computer) Months ago with my niece. She was hooked on playing Uno with me because I always let her win. Have you ever drank cherry Coke? Omg yes, I LOVE it. Have you ever had a black eye? No. Have you ever eaten a bug? No. Do you like pranking people? No. Did you ever take a cooking class in school? No. Do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day? No. Do you use Skype? Only to talk to Sara. Have you ever participated in local magazine cover girl searches? Definitely not. Have you ever been called a skank/slut because of the way you dress? No. Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? Two are. Describe the most romantic moment you’ve ever had. I'd rather not because it'll really set off my PTSD. Have you ever cheated on a test? Nope. Have you ever been to couple’s counseling? No. How often does your employer ask you to work overtime? N/A Did you often read for fun when you were a kid? I read A LOOOOOT as a kid. I was a total bookworm. When was the last time you were scared? Excluding in nightmares that I don't remember, uhhh probably back when my PHP therapist surprised me by whipping out a poem I'd written and sharing it in front of the whole group. It wasn't the "bad" kind of scared, but I sure did feel fear. What’s your favorite song by Rihanna? "Disturbia" has always been #1. There's this '80s synthwave remix of the song that I adorrrreeee. Can you speak binary? Nope. Would you rather live somewhere that had hurricanes or tornadoes? I've dealt with hurricanes all my life and they don't terrify me NEARLY as much as the mere idea of a tornado, so. Have you ever had a pet that you disliked? None that were mine personally, but coincidentally, I didn't like two dogs my little sister had. The first one was just mildly annoying, and as much as I hate admitting it, I literally hated her last dog. When was the last time you saw hail? Maybe like... a month ago or something like that? Time is kinda blurry for me on this. We had an absolute downpour of hail one morning, then just... nothing. What is on your mind right this second: I have this at-home sleep study tonight and I'm pretty much obsessing over "what if I don't have a nightmare?" when, for ONCE, I want/need myself to. To be real, I don't know exactly what will change in my life if I do have a sleep apnea diagnosis or something that we're not already doing, but. Mom more than anyone just wants professionals to see that something is seriously wrong and needs fixing. Have you ever given a nickname to your pet(s)? Both have them, yeah. I think I call Venus "Miss Venus" more than her real name, then she's also "baby girl," "pretty," "beautiful girl," etc. I call Roman just "butt" a lot, haha, then there's "son," "Mama's boy," "bud"... When was the last time you shaved your legs? Not since last October. Nobody sees my legs, so I just don't care. Do you ever try free samples at the store? Sure, if I'm actually interested in the food. Do you like boys with long hair? That's actually my preference. Do you like rootbeer? It's not insufferable, but I'm not really a fan. What is the best fast food place, in your opinion? Sonic. Do you have faith in yourself? What a question to end it on, 'cuz I don't have a fuckin' clue these days.

[sluttyprincessinarizona]

Holy shit, alright.

So, first off, hi. I’ve been having a tough few days because of various reasons that I may or may not get into in this post. I’ve been bottling up all of my feelings for too long and writing things down has always been easier for me than talking about them. Basically, this is me spilling a lot of my secrets so I can get them out of my head. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you expected or wanted from me, please skip this if you’re not okay with a post like this. 

TW//: Talk of anxiety and depression, mental and emotion manipulation(?), mentions of death and suicide, and just dark shit in general. Proceed with a lot of caution.

Hello. My name is Malachi. That’s not my birth name but it is the name I choose to go by. I am a non-binary African American person that is trying their absolute best in the life I was given. Admittedly, I’m not fairing very well but I continue to try everyday.

I come from a fairly large family. 8 siblings in total, 1 on my moms side and 7 on my dads. My mom and dad never married, they broke up when I was five years old, and when my dad moved out, I stayed living with my mom. My mom is bipolar and manic depressant and my older sister, my moms daughter, was a spoiled brat until I was born. From very early on, my sister would constantly tell me that I ruined her life, that she wished I was never born, that she hated me, etc. Unfortunately for me, my mom wanted me and my sister to get along so I was always around her. She would read books to me and have me around all the time. Because of this, I’m pretty sure anyway, I grew up to be very gifted. I entered kindergarten a year early, and all of my school life felt easy. I was never challenged. Even the gifted classes I was out in were hardly anything to me. Now, I know this sounds like I’m bragging, but I take no pride in these words or my talents. I’ll tell you why later.

Growing up was surprisingly difficult for me. My mom was struggling to support both of us so we moved house a lot. We moved into our grandma’s house at one point. That was when it was the worst. My sister would constantly tell on me, but when I turned the tables on her, she’d beg me not to. She’d promise that she’d ever tell on me again, and then turned around and threw away said promise as soon as I let it go. I was the “problematic” child. My sister berated me constantly, telling me that I was bad at dancing and singing, which is still one of my passions to this day. It stuck with me. Everything does.

Fastforward to middle school. I had spent the last few years of my life with a less than agreeable sister and a difficult to approach mother. I’ll get into my father’s deal in a little bit. Elementary school hadn't been good either. I was at a higher level than lost of people, so I would occupy my free time with books. PE and outside activities never intrigued me as much as most kids, and so I was then deemed the class outcast all the way until about 7th grade. Up until 5th, I trusted others way too easily. Someone could walk up to me, tell me their name and say they wanted to be friends and within a week I'd be telling them all my secrets and family troubles. It was stupid really, but no one taught me any different. I was betrayed a lot, and everyone in our grade knew things about me that I'm embarrassed to admit. It was heartbreaking to 5th grade me. Why was everyone so mean?

I was always more of a tomboy, even as a child. The girls were too "girly" for me and the boys didn't converse with girls so I was, again, alone.

By the time I got to 6th grade, I had already adapted a system. Go to school, do well, read in your free time, go home. No friends, no acquaintances, nothing. It was how I kept my heart safe. And it worked for a while. Luckily, I moved schools when I came up with the system, so no one was too keen on approaching me in the first place. Then, 7th grade came around. And holy god, was it horrible. For some reason, I made a friend. Now, she was nice. Very nice. We bonded over Undertale, she was great. We're still friends to this day. But I kept her at arms length, cause I had just broken the system. That wasn't apart of the plan. Even worse, I made two more friends. And worse than that, I developed my first ever crush on someone. All of my plans were failing, my walls were crumbling. But when these walls fell, my heart grew weaker still, cause having friends isn't as great as it should be. Especially in middle school.

Our small group was riddled with mental illnesses, and we'd joke about wanting to die at least twice a day. It was how we coped, even though none of us made any effort to get better. It wasn't the best, but 8th grade was somehow worse.

Our group split right down the middle. Half of the group wanted nothing to do with the other half. And I was stuck in the middle. I liked everyone, they were all my friends. How could I possibly choose between them?

And then, as if things couldn't get worse, one of my closest friends in that group called me out. Apparently, I had become so dependent on them, on her, that I was becoming "too outgoing" and annoying, and she stopped responding to me. I had let her inside my walls and she still hurt me deeper than anyone else. I apologized profusely. I had gotten so used to not being a bother that losing her trust was one of my worst fears. It scarred me. I spent days sulking, just wanting to properly apologize to her. I wanted to hear from her, I needed to. Eventually she forgave me, but the damage had been done. That was when I had come up with a new idea. Another system. I didn't execute it, but the idea sprouted in the back of my mind.

8th grade was the year of my first panic attack. It was dumb, really. I woke up, got ready for school, and realized there was an assignment I forgot to do that was due later that day. I had had a perfect record. My homework was never late, and it terrified me to no end to think that my streak would end like that. I sat against the wall of my bedroom, covering my mouth and hoping that I was crying quietly, so I wouldn't wake my dad. No one to help me, no one to ground me. I was spiraling for too long. The only thing that snapped me out of it was myself. I had to go to school or I'd be late, that was how I got myself out of that darkness. Pathetic, I know.

High school was a different battle field in and of itself. Sophomore, Junior and Senior year were pretty good, so I'll only talk about Freshman year.

I was very scared of high school. All the middle school teachers said high school teachers were ruthless, mean and impatient. They kicked people out of class, out of the whole school. School had been easy but high school was different. The mere mention of it made me nervous. Oh yeah, I haven't mentioned it before, but I have pretty bad anxiety. It's primarily social anxiety, but it gets bad at the worst possible times. I think I might have depression but I'm too scared to bring it up with my therapist, so that'll probably stay unsolved.

Freshman year wasn't very bad. It wasn't worse than 8th grade at least. What really got me was the workload. Self discipline, time management, all the mature people things that I had to learn. It made my anxiety skyrocket. I would be finishing assignments during lunch, mere hours before they were due. I was a rightful mess, on all accounts.

I had a big fallout with my dad, and that just made all of my problems worse. I'll get into that another time, seeing as this post is already too long.

Finishing high school was a breeze compared to earlier years. I made a small group of friends, many of which are onto bigger adventures in life. I haven't started college yet, but I haven't talked about what it is that I really wanted to talk about. The thing that's really been on my mind.

I'm nobody. I'm not just a nobody. I'm nobody. I honestly don't know who I am. My entire life, I had forfeited finding myself in favor of catering to others. I relinquished my personal freedom to make others life easier. I listened to everything my parents told me to do. No question, no complaints. I bend and broke myself to make my sister happy. I gave her so much of myself that I didn't have any left for me, yet she's still not happy with me. My friends don't know who I am. My mind is constantly thinking, I'm constantly drowning in dark thoughts and harmful words but they don't know. I hide it from them, I hid everything from them. I told them not to worry about it. And eventually, they did. It hurt. It stung. But it was my fault entirely.

My dad called me a robot once. I followed orders with feeling or hesitance. He was right. My constant thought process is all of my responsibilities. All of the things I need to do for someone else. Taking a break is impossible. Mt family needs me to function properly so they can live freely and without regret. I can't do that.

I can't eat what I want without making my mom angry in some way. I can't say or do or buy or receive anything without getting into an argument with my sister about how I'm somehow the spoiled one. Hell, I take a nap for too long and my mom gets upset at me. My dad is another ball game all on his own, so I won't talk about him right now.

What I'm trying to say it that my life isn't mine. My life is spent caring for others. Listening to other people over myself.

I'm horrible at taking compliments. I brush them off, deny them, pretty much anything other than saying thank you. It's not that I'm not grateful. I'm just tired of them. I've been showered with praise all my life, but it's bittersweet when you're taken advantage of every day. Taken for granted endlessly. They start to fade together.

Generic, everyday praise infuriates me to the highest level. Don't you dare say that cookie cutter bullshit to me. You think I haven't heard "oh you're so smart" before?? You think I haven't heard "you're beautiful" before??? I understand that you're just trying to be nice, but fuck off with that run of the mill fuckery.

Compliment me

How about you say, thank you for trying so hard for us?

Or, I see you helping out. I appreciate it.

Or, god forbid, you cab relax for once, I can take care of it.

Because god knows that I need a fucking break sometimes!

Oh, take a day off? Unless you want to come over here and handle my 101 responsibilities for this day alone, I suggest you shut that shit up right now.

Telling to take it easy doesn't fix the fucking problem.

One thing I know I do have are some major anger issues. That's not easily solved. None of my problems are.

At this point, I feel like I am my problems. Without my anxiety and my anger, who am I?

Who would I be?

Would I be better? Worse? Who would I have become?

I don't want help because help would change me. Help would get rid of me.

Whoever that me may be.

[jessicasland]

The One That Fits Right In Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Rocky Beginnings Reagan stared at the large white school building in front of her. It was her first day at the public high school and since she moved with her family, she already felt nervous. Reagan’s face went pale, she felt like she was going to be sick, there were butterflies in her stomach. It was big, bigger than the palace she used to live in back in Southern France. Was she really going to go in there? Well, she had no other choice. She took a big deep breath and walked up the stairs to the main hall. Reagan look at all the students bustling, talking, and laughing in the hallways. It was completely crowded! She couldn’t even walk without being squished in between one or two of the students. She checked her schedule. The first thing she needed to do was find her locker. It was locker 239. Reagan adjusted her glasses once she managed to get out of the tsunami of students to find her locker. There were endless rows of tall dark green lockers. But which one was her’s? As she passed by the students, she always remembered to say her “excuse me’s” or “pardon me’s” when she was trying to get through, and remembered to say her “sorry’s” when she accidentally bumped into people. Reagan was about to check the next row of lockers to find hers until- BUMP! The next thing Reagan knew, she was on the ground. Her backpack, books, and lunchbox were scattered on the ground. In front of her was another girl. She had short brown hair and sap colored eyes. Her skin was the color of a what someone would look like if they had gotten a sun tan. She also wore very expensive clothing, tall high heal like boots, and had layers and layers of foundation and make up on her face. Reagan gasped and said, “Oh geez. I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.” She pulled the other girl into her feet and picked up all her books and makeup. “Here. These belong to you don’t they?” “Don’t you dare touch those!” said the girl, snatching the belongings out of Reagan’s hands. “Don’t you know how much money all this makeup costs?!” “...No.” Regan replied. “I-I don’t think we’ve officially met before during the orientation. I’m Reagan!” Reagan smiled and held out her hand for the other girl to shake. The girl looked at Reagan and looked at her hand and sneered in disgust. Using a pencil, the girl moved Reagan’s hand away, “Oh yes. The new girl from, what was i? Larodon? Southern France?” “That’s right! Future Heir to the throne to!” replied Reagan. “So, what’s your name?” The girl scoffed and replied, “You don’t know who I am?” Reagan said, “No not really. That’s what I was trying to ask you.” “My name is Harper. Harper Jane Cadigan Scott.” said the girl. “And these four girls make up my group. The one with the black hair is Marissa, the one with the gross looking flying pig thing on her shirt is Elle, the one who’s the brace face is Lorraine,” Reagan mouthed to Lorraine, “You’re braces look nice.” and Loraine mouthed back “Thanks.” Harper continued, “and the one in the yellow which is a really disgusting color BTW, is known as Krystal.” Reagan stared at them before saying, “Nice to meet ya.” “So, now that you know this little group here, get outta my way.” said Harper, turning up her nose. “What are you even doing anyway?” “Oh, um. I’m looking for my locker.” said Reagan, showing Harper her schedule. “It’s locker 239.” “What?! You can’t have that locker!” said Harper. “Why not? The school staff gave it to me so that means it’s mine for this year.” said Reagan. “But that’s my locker!” said Harper. “Everyone knows that locker 239 is the biggest locker in the school! Well, everyone except you Four Eyes.” “I know. That’s why they gave it to me.” said Reagan. Harper growled and was ready to strangle Reagan but Marissa stopped her and said, “Harper. We gotta go. Besides, I heard Kaiden was in our economics class.” Harper gasped in delight, “Why didn’t you say so?! Let’s go!” The other girls followed Harper down the hall, except for Loraine, who stayed behind to help Reagan find her locker and just like Harper had said, locker 239 was the biggest locker in the entire school. Reagan waisted no time to get started organizing her brand new locker. “Shame.” Reagan said to herself. “This locker looks so dull. It would be nice to spice it up a bit.” Then, Reagan had a wonderful, spectacular idea! Tomorrow before school started, she would bring in the beautiful acrylic paints that she had gotten for her birthday back in the summer and paint her locker till her her hearts desire. Reagan checked her schedule as she finished placing the new lock on the front. Reagan’s Schedule - A Day: Mon, Wed, Fri 1st Period-Art 3rd Period-US History 5th Period-Biology 7th Period-Office Aid B Day: Tues, Thurs 2nd Period-Spanish 1 4th Period-Culinary Arts 6th Period-English 2 8th Period-Algebra 2 Lunch: First Lunch Reagan was happy when she saw her first class. Art was one of her favorite things to do! She would spend hours a day just drawing and doodling in her sketchbook. It even helped her when she was stressed or upset. So this class would really help improve her art a bit more, especially when it came to drawing hands. History. Oh brother. History was super long and super boring and History wasn’t one of her strengths. Biology. Mmm, not so bad. But then Reagan remembered she didn’t really like it as much when she was homeschooled because she never got to do any labs at all. Office Aid? What was that? Spanish. Perfect! She more or less knew some words in Spanish thanks to homeschool. And one of her aunts spoke Spanish to so this would help expand her vocabulary. Culinary Arts? Wow! She loved to help the family’s personal chef in the kitchen back home and bake things on her own from time to time to! She could learn to cook and expand from making a simple PB and J sandwich. English. Interesting. Would she be learning the language English? Algebra. It was neither her weakness or her strength. But she was well advanced in math seeing how good at it she was. Reagan checked the time on her watch. 7:55AM “Uh oh.” thought Reagan, “I should already be at art class!” She didn’t wanna miss her first real class. She stuffed her schedule in her pocket, picked up her art supplies and sketchbook, and dashed down the hall to the art room. The minute Reagan stepped foot into the room, she was already greeted with large tables, pictures and paintings from years past, easels, light tables, tables with five chairs for five students to sit at, and a closet filled with tons of art supplies. But the professor was missing. Where was she...or he? Reagan dropped her things at the nearest table and walked around the room while the students chatted amongst themselves. She looked around the large room but then stopped at the closet. She saw a short figure who looked shorter than her, fumbling about where the paints were. Reagan asked in a shy tone, “U-Uh. E-Excuse me? I-I don’t mean to be a bother b-but uh. Where did the professor run off to?” The women bumped her head before turning to Reagan. She looked and dressed like a gypsy women. Beads and all. Reagan’s eyes widened as she saw her. The women hopped down from the ladder and walked up to Reagan. “You’re lookin’ right at her.” she replied. She had a thick Russian accent. “Oh. It’s uh, nice to meet you.” said Reagan. “I-I’m-“ “New student. I know.” she replied. “Davay! Davay! out out out!” She pushed Reagan out of the closet and said, “Take your seat. I don’t have all day.” Reagan said nothing and took her seat. This art professor seemed pretty rude. The women clapped her hands to get the students attention. “Dobroye UUUUtro class.” said the lady, holding the U. “Dobroye Utro Ms. Preobrazhensky.” said the rest of the class. “Welcome welcome! I would love to welcome you all to my Art class.” said Ms. Preobrazhensky. “Now, vhile I take the roll. I would like you to complete your first sketchbook assignment. Vou must draw your name and draw all de things you kiddies like. Uh, for instance uh de Fortnite game or de annoying song vith the colorful sharks or vhat ever you kiddies like now a-days. Da! Begin.” Regan opened her big, black sketchbook and got to work. She wrote her name in big bubbly letters and colored it red. Then she got to work on surrounding her name with many things she liked like. Her drawing consisted of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a lamb, a paint pallet with a paintbrush, a drawing of Iron Man, the symbol for Taurus, a stack of comic books, a steam engine train, Patch from 101 Dalmatians, and some puzzle pieces representing the fact that she has Autism. She didn’t notice that any time passed by until Ms. Preobrazhensky shouted, “Gold Girl!” Reagan jumped in her seat in surprise. Most kids snickered at her. “Come on, let me see your vork.” she barked. Reagan showed Ms. Preobrazhensky her sketchbook. Ms. Preobrazhensky stared at it for a while before she took it to her desk. Reagan sat in her seat for the longest time while the gypsy looking art teacher was staring at her sketchbook. She felt nervous and started twirling a loose strand of her hair (which she often does when she’s nervous). “REAGAN!” Ms. Preobrazhensky screeched. Regan’s eyes widened as the teacher called her. She stood up and walked to the desk. “Niet! Niet! In my office.” said Ms. Preobrazhensky, pointing a long bony finger to a small office. Reagan gulped and stepped into her office. Was she going to get in trouble on her very first day? Ms. Preobrazhensky closed the door and started.....hugging Reagan. Reagan was confused. “Vou brilliant child! Look at this!” said Ms. Preobrazhensky, showing her the assignment. “I had no idea you’s could draw so well! How long have you’s been drawing?” “..Since I was 3.” said Reagan, still twirling her hair. “I’ve never seen dis type of talent in my class before.” said Ms. Preobrazhensky. “My dear! There is not much I can teach you! You have very good talent!” “Really?” asked Reagan excitedly. “...but I wish I could draw hands better. My hands look like potatoes.” “Tell you what.” said Ms. Preobrazhensky. “How about I gives you some pointers on how to draw hands. During the lunch break. You’s can have your lunch here and then we can start.” “You mean it?” asked Reagan with a gleam in her eyes. “Of course of course!” said Ms. Preobrazhensky. “After all, talent like this does not show up everyday. Although. I am curious about de puzzle pieces you drew here. Wvat do they mean?” Reagan fumbled with her words. If she told the teacher, let alone the whole school that she had Aspergers, she’d be the laughing stock of the entire 10th grade! “U-Uh....I-I love to do puzzles.” Reagan lied. “Ahh.” said Ms. Preobrazhensky, “interesting hobby for a girl your age.” “Uh yep.” said Reagan with a nervous laugh. Ms. Preobrazhensky handed back her sketchbook. “So, I wvill see you during lunch on Wednesday?” asked Ms. Preobrazhensky. “Sure!” said Reagan, “Thank you. Thank you Ms. Preoba...uh, can I call you Ms. P?” “Of course you may.” said Ms. Preobrazhensky. “Cool. Thank you Ms. P!” said Reagan as she walked back to her seat. She sighed with relief. .... The rest of the morning went by in a blur and before Reagan knew it, it was lunchtime. She took her orange metal lunchbox and headed for the cafeteria. Reagan walked slowly as she tried to find a seat but most of the students already called dibs on each table. Then, Reagan saw Harper and her group of friends (minus Loraine) sitting at half-empty table eating and gossiping. “Harper!” said Reagan. “Harper! It’s Reagan from this morning!” Harper stopped her, “Hold it Four Eyes!” Reagan stopped dead in her tracks. “This table is for popular girls only.” said Harper. “Yeah, we don’t take in newbies!” added Marissa. “B-But I don’t have anywhere else to sit.” said Reagan. “Tough!” said Krystal. “Let me show you where the newbies sit.” said Harper. She lead Reagan to the garbage cans in the corner of the cafeteria. “B-But that’s the garbage can.” Reagan said. “Exactly. That’s where all the newbies go. Because every single newbie that comes to this school is nothing but a lowlife piece of trash!” explained Harper. “Ask the freshmen! Trust me, this seating arrangement is WAY up you’re alley.” With that, Harper walked away, leaving Reagan alone. Well, Reagan had no other choice. She sat on the floor and ate her lunch. It was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, some apple slices, a little white milk carton, some celery sticks, and a chocolate chip cookie. Loraine noticed that Reagan was sitting on the floor by herself. “You got sent to the trash to?” she asked. “Yep.” said Reagan, not paying attention. “I know how that feels.” Loraine replied. “I got sent here to. But you wouldn’t be sitting here if I didn’t sit with you.” Loraine sat next to Reagan. “S-So. You’re Reagan?” asked Loraine. “Uh-huh.” Reagan replied. “And you’re........Marissa?” “Close. It’s Loraine.” said Loraine. “Ohhh! Brace Face!” said Reagan. Loraine stared at her and started to eat her food. Reagan realized that she wasn’t supposed to say that. “Oh geez. U-Uh, Loraine I didn’t mean to uh-“ “No, it’s Ok. I get that a lot. Even Harper calls me Brace Face.” said Loraine reassuring her. “Then, if Harpers your friend, why does she cal you brace face?” asked Reagan. Loraine looked at Harper and then back at Reagan. “Harper’s cool and all but she’s...she’s a real jerk sometimes.” replied Loraine, “and besides, she’s never complimented on my braces before. I just got them a week ago and they hurt like crazy.” “Oh, here.” said Reagan handing her an Advil cup. “Take an Advil pill, it will help with the pain.” Loraine took a tablet and swallowed it with some milk to wash it down before handing back the Advil cup back to Reagan. “Thank you.” said Loraine. “Hey, since we’re here, wanna tell secrets? If that’s what you royalty folks like doing.” “Sure!” said Reagan. “Uh, you go first.” “OK.” said Loraine. She whispered, “I have had this weird habit of biting my nails. I still have it and nobody else knows this.” “M-My turn.” said Reagan. “The thing is that I...I............IhaveAspergersSyndrome.” “What?” asked Loraine, “You we’re speaking to fast Reagan.” “Sorry.” she replied, “I…I have Asperger’s Syndrome…its a case of mild Autism. I’ve had it since I was two and it-it effects me socially and mentally. I have some weird obsessions. I still watch Blues Clues for pete’s sake and-“ “Reagan.” said Loraine, “I’ve heard enough. But why don’t you wanna tell anyone this information?” “I-I don’t wanna tell anyone because I-I didn’t wanna get bullied again.” said Reagan. Loraine held out her pinky and said, “I won’t tell a soul that you have Autism. It’s a promise. A pinky promise.” Reagan looked at her pinky and joined hers in with Loraine’s. “Thank you.” said Reagan as she hugged Loraine. Loraine was shocked but hugged her back.

[dcollins44]

Epilepsy

I was first diagnosed with a seizure disorder in 5th grade, so I was about 11 years old. I did not have full blown grand mal seizures. It began as something called petite mal seizures. These are seizures where someone basically spaces out for 3-6 seconds and is unaware of what is going on around them. I remember when I first got an eeg to test what was wrong, the initial doctor said “I have never seen anything like this before”. This was definitely something that got my family’s attention.

Hearing something like that from a doctor when you are 11 years old is terrifying. However, now that I am older and a parent, I can’t imagine everything that was going through my mom and dad’s mind. Becoming a parent is the most amazing thing in the world, but it is also the most stressful thing in the world. Worrying about everything, from bumps on the head to paying for bills. So I know this was an extremely difficult time for them as well.

After seeing a specialist, having more test, and being diagnosed with petite mal seizures, I was put on medication to help control the seizures. After about a year the seizures went away. No issues whatsoever. I thought the medicine cured me or like the doctor said I grew out of them. I continued my 6th grade year playing football and baseball, swimming riding bikes, doing all the things I had always done as a kid. I am now 34 years old and this is still one of the most memorable and best school years of my life. Life was back to normal, so I thought.

The summer before my 7th grade year, a small, socially awkward kid, began having seizures again. I knew what this meant, I may not have the opportunity to do what I had always dreamed of as a kid, be a part of the school sports teams. I grew up watching my cousins dominate in our schools football and baseball programs including winning a state championship. I dreamed of continuing this winning tradition when I got old enough. However, I finished summer baseball and went on to play 7th grade football. I wasn’t very good, I was extremely small, but I was able to start and contribute every game due to my effort and being raised in the game. I was having a great school year and football season despite dealing with these seizures. Going into the last game of the season we were undefeated. Coaches had a game plan for me to get more involved in the offense and catch some passes. Little did I know the morning of the game, my life would get rocked and forever be changed. 

Thursday, October 21, 1999, started just like any other day of school, only with a little more excitement. I was excited to get more involved in the offense and finish my first school affiliated football season undefeated. I left for school told my mom and dad I loved them. My mom had to calm me down because of how nervous I was for the game. She was a big sports fan and always knew what to say. I got to school, went to my first two classes as normal. In second period I got called to the counselors office. I thought it was kind of weird but the counselor was my uncle and also one of the football coaches, so I didn’t think to much about it. When I got to his office I knew something was off, my preacher was there as well as a police officer and my best friend/cousin. It was at this time my Uncle had to tell me that my mom had been killed in a car accident shortly after I left for school. 

Not only was this devastating for myself, my brother, and my dad, but the entire family. She was kind of the glue that kept our large family close. I obviously did not play in the football game that day. The affect of this tragedy, would also play a role in issues I have with seizures, or at least I believe it has over the years. Dealing with the loss of a parent and health issues is not easy and caused some extreme depression, stress, anxiety, and tension. I played one more year of baseball and football before the doctor suggested that I stop. My dad was now a single parent and did what he thought was best and followed the doctors orders. I understand now as a parent, but baseball and football were my life, my outlets. I was not a special athlete or anything but my love for the game outweighed everyone else’s. I also was not allowed to swim, ride bikes, drive when I turned 16 as well as many other things. While there are many worse things to deal with in life, when your’e a teenager, these things take a toll on your mental health. 

I then began to get behind in school work. Sure I had plans to go to college but I thought, I’ll just work hard then. I didn’t have football or baseball, my mom wasn’t there to be on my ass about homework obviously, and the medication took a huge toll on me. I did not understand why I had no energy, why I was gaining weight, and why I was depressed at the time. I didn’t even really know what depression was, I just knew I wanted my mom back and I wanted to drive and play sports. Little did I know medication was making all of this even worse, however, it was the only way to try and control the seizures. Finally going into my junior year I hit my growth spurt. I thought to myself I can and I will play football my senior year I don’t care what anyone says, its my last chance. I found an outlet in lifting weights and working out for football and things started to turn around a little bit. By the end of my junior year I had been working out for about 4 months, the doctors had started to find a good medication balance, and I was able start driving myself to summer practices and school for my senior year. It was a fun football season. I did not get to play much since I had not played in 3 years, but we won 11 straight games before losing in the second round of the playoffs. I learned a lot and knew I wanted to coach someday. I went on to finish my senior year like your average student and just wanted to get out on my own. For the next 3-4 years I would continue to struggle with depression, my seizures, and figuring out what I wanted to do. My first attempt at college did not work out so I bounced from job to job. Eventually I decided on law enforcement.

My dad was a cop, and it was always something that intrigued me but I never gave it much thought until i randomly stopped by the academy one day and signed up. I loved the job. It was exciting, I learned a lot about life, not only my own, but what others go through as well. I was not the best police officer, I was probably to young and immature for a job of that importance, but I cared and I was trusted. It was something I was proud of, I felt like my mom would be proud of me and my dad was proud of me for. This would not last long, my small seizures that were under control for the most part would become bigger grand mal seizures. I had multiple at critical times that should have told me to find a new job but I worked to hard to get where I was. Eventually I had a grand mal in a patrol car, luckily i felt it coming on and had parked. I knew then it was time to once again find something new. I again bounced around from different jobs trying to figure out not only what I wanted to do, but what I could physically do. I decided education was something I wanted to do. I was scared to go to college though because school was so tough for me with my medication and epilepsy. Eventually I met someone so amazing, that she basically saved me from all the negativity in my life. She believed in me before I did. She gave me the confidence to go back to school and get my degree in education. 

After a couple of terrible relationships I decided I wasn’t getting married or having kids. However, this woman saved my life. She showed me that while battling depression and epilepsy life can still be great. I know a 28 year old man should probably be able to figure that out on his own. But she cared for me like no one else ever had. Not only did she believe in me, she took care of me what I was feeling down or when I had a seizure. As a matter of fact she still does to this day 6 years later and has been my wife for 4 of those years and given me my sons. Because of her I am a teacher, a football coach, and I have someone that cares enough to take care of me for several days after a seizure and help me with doctors appointments. God has blessed me with someone so amazing despite all the negativity I lived with in my heart for years. I have had more grand mal seizures in the past 4 months than I usually have in two or 3 years, we have a one year old, and another one due next month, but she has still been there every step of the way. I know she feels my pain and sadness, I can see it in her eyes. I wish I could take it away primarily for her. We will continue to work with doctors, pray, and do our best to get these life altering seizures under more control. 

Like I said before there are far worse things in this world to deal with, but I do believe epilepsy is often over looked. It is hard to deal with, it scares people when they see one happening, and even doctors are still trying to figure out causes and triggers to this issue in the brain. If you have this issue try to stay positive. Someone like my wife could come along in your life when you least expect it to help you out, or you may figure out a way of dealing with them yourself. Don’t give up on finding the career for yourself either, lots of jobs are dangerous for us but I truly believe all of the jobs I had and could not do, has led me to be doing what God wanted me to do all along, teaching, coaching and helping kids.

Please pray for people with epilepsy, our parents, our spouses, and our children.

[atpeacewithme-blog1]

*November 28th, 2016

Hey. It’s been a while. Give me a minute to catch up and read what I told you last. Okay wow. Well where to start. lets see…… Well Beauty and the Beast went… well. it was odd. Two nights before opening night a mom/co-director yelled at the director in from of the whole cast and took her children out of the show. one of them was a lead role. we has to switch around role but we made it work. opening night was great but then Frank (The Beast) got horribly sick and couldn’t come in for the next show so our Gaston (Justin) stepped in as Beast, our feather duster (Pearl) stepped in as Gaston, and a tech girl stepped in as feather duster. It was rough but we made it work, that was closing night. I was in a small ensamble concert with a couple friends June 9th 2016. We sang a choral piece we did last year called can’t think of a fake song name so I am putting nothing lol. It is such a beautiful piece. I went to a shrink for the first time and got medication for my Bipolar Depression. I joined band CLASS for senior year playing Mellophone and that is exciting. I started practicing in May during my lunch and then went to all the summer lessons even though I didn’t really need to because they were doing music I wouldn’t have to do but I eventually to tested on that so I am glad I went to those. I got my senior pictures taken July 11th 2016 and most of them turned out horrible but I really wish we can still order them because come on they are my senior pictures. John took me to a fair July 13th for my birthday and I did some stuff for the first time. JULY 15TH 2016!!!! I took my drivers test and passed, went home to make sure we had everything for the dmv, went to the dmv, didn’t have everything we needed, went home to get my social #, went to dmv, went home because we didn’t have the little blue card, went to dmv, FINALLY got my license. I wore a really cute outfit that day with a cute skirt. a guy commented on my skirt as i was coming out of my car going to the fun group I am in bus for a weekend thing. It was fun, scary because one of the 2 girls (Cerena/Kirsten) were there, but fun. GOT MY CAR JULY 21ST 2016!!!! Here I said what kind of car I have. HER NAME IS GEM!!!I went to a week long trip with that same group and that was also VERY scary because both of those girls were there. some stuff did happen towards the end with them but it didn’t really matter because I did have a fun time. Sport I am in camp was too hot. we had people passing out left and right. the last day we had to take our water breaks inside because it was so bad. I could really feel a difference in myself because of the medicine that I was taking for my depression and that is great. I got out of bed more and hung out with friends and my boyfriend!!! the rest of the summer was pretty fun :) *Rrrrrriiiiiinnnngggg* now time to talk about the beginning of SENIOR YEAR. pf course my schedule was messed up it always is so lets forget about the first few days. I started off perfectly. doing ALL of my work and having an A+ in every class. on September 10th my school had there first football game and my dad let me go out with John afterwards. we parked across from the new pier in my town because the water was nice and I didn’t get home until sometime after 12 because…..well…. lets just say I did something else I never did before. ooh Marie invited me over for Rosh Hashanah and I felt so honored haha. I tell Marie every single little detail that goes on between me and John and she did the same thing to me about her and her boyfriend.Sep. 24th the sport I am in went to their first competition of the season and we won 1st place :) Since I am captain I accept the award with the “co- captains” (they are not really co-captains but idk what else to call them without giving it away. oh well.) and do the salute with them and that was so cool and fun. here lets see if I can write the salute down, this will be difficult. (1-2-3-4-1-2-step-forward-fist and arm point to sky- fist and arm point forward- armdown-look up-arm up and point like pointing to stars and drop it to the right for 5-6-7- look straight ahead- arms sharp low V- right hand salute left hand on hip, 1-2-3-4-right hand fist- arms in fists by my sides) Oct. 8th was our second competition and we got second BUT we went up 4 points, which is a huge jump!! Oct. 14th was Senior night and I felt beautiful out on that field, and yes I did ALMOST cry. Homecoming was nice, I went with Marie’s little brother and I felt beautiful again. The sport rally thing was soo much fun!!!! Oct. 23 was our next compitition because the one on the 22nd got rained out and we got i think it was 5th. we went up maybe half a point. Oct. 29th was John’s 20th birthday. I got him a picture frame with a collage of 3 photos of us. when he opened it he hid behind my shoulder and started to cry. I didn’t know what to do. I asked if he liked it and he said yes thank you so much I love it. I thought that he couldn’t be crying just because of my gift what was going on and all he said was “sorry, it;s just, my birthday is always very stressful.” I still don’t know what happened that day. but I had a great time with him and I hope he also had a great birthday. Oct. 30th was trick or treat and this was the first year i WASNT going door to door. instead I was at my friend Hunter’s house doing his haunted trail. I was the first person the the people walking through would see, I was in the asylum. sadly an hour in it started to thunderstorm. my friends were next in line to walkthrough.I was so upset because I was having an awesome time. Oct. 31st I dressed up as a Disney villain for school and that night was the halloween Parade and since I am the only sport captain I get to walk in the front all by myself!!!. I messed up a couple of times but that is because I was so nervous that I would mess up and the girls behind me would make fun of me.. which I think they did. anyway that night was still fun. My school’s first time going to a big sport’s competition was Nov. 5th and it was a long bus ride and we had to be there at like 4am.  sadly we took 6th out of 8th but we moved up a little more than a point which is the good thing. I was behind on a lot of history work because everytime I had a college visit or a guidance appointment it was during third period. luckily I have a teacher who is still letting me make up all the work im missing. Nov 5-13th we had off for a teachers convention (this is including the weekends btw) and this whole week we were in PA and I looked and my 2 top colleges Seton Hill <3 and West Chester. they were both so beautiful. both so very different. but both so beautiful. Seton Hill is still my top school. Nothing else really has happened since then. I finished my first draft of my college essay today, yesterday I applied for the community college near me, and started on the applications to the other schools I want to apply to. hopefully Ill apply soon. Tomorrow (later today(it is 3am)) starts a few new clubs I joined so I am excited for that, and I believe this year’s musical’s info is coming out either tomorrow (later today) or tuesday (tomrrow). being sport captain is so so so so much fun but very stressful because I know the 4 years do not like having a 3 year tell them what to do. I hear the whispers I am not dumb. but i am putting on my brave face and ignoring it because that is what I have to do. oh and one last thing. Justin is like in love with me and keeps flirting with me. I told him to stop many times and then he does, but then starts up again, the last time he did it was very recent and John said he is getting real tired of it so I hope Justin really does stop this time because I want to be FRIENDS with him because he is a nice kid, but that is all i can and WANT to be, friends. okay now I think you are all caught up. Till next time. Peace.

[chippokenabokura]

World Trigger Volume 18 Extras Part 2

Second part of the volume 18 extras and this should be everything. I know I haven’t been around the last couple of months (Touken Ranbu ate my life...I don’t even understand myself why I’m spending so much time on a sword collecting game...but they’re all so cute...) but I’ll try to use this chance to post more, like some of the asks in my inbox that I can actually answer (so ones that aren’t just gonna be me going ‘I don’t know’).

First the Mini-profiles:

Some notes: Naniwa is the old name for Osaka, hence why Ashihara pointed it out; the phrase ‘____ of Naniwa’ itself is a bit of a meme. Here’s a link to Wikipedia’s article of beta-carotene because it’s all science to me. And a link to rakugo. I don’t understand anything from Oki’s profile either. Kai’s Kewpie is a joke based on his Ouji Squad icon (and his hairstyle) just like Mizukami. And finally, both Tokyo University and Kyoto University are really good schools.

Next, I’ve already posted the results of the popularity poll, but the volume version has useful notes on whether a character has gone down or up, and the titles are funny too (though I can’t promise I can translate them well...)

1st Place - Mikumo Osamu: The immovable Four-eyes

2nd Place - Konami Kirie: Complains quite a lot but is no.2

3rd Place - Jin Yuuichi: Loves the rooftops

4th Place - Kuga Yuuma: Haven’t used his Black Trigger recently

5th Place - Izumi Kouhei: Nom nom munch munch

6th Place - Kazama Souya: Understated performance

7th Place - Miwa Shuuji: Loves BBQ

8th Place - Arafune Tetsuji: Guarding his butt from dogs

9th Place - Azuma Haruaki: The BBQ evangelist

10th Place - Hus: Wants to go home

11th Place - Amatori Chika: Makes things heavy machine

12th Place - Tachikawa Kei: Chopping machine

13th Place - Katori Youko: Complaining machine

14th Place - Satori Ken: Sparkling machine

15th Place - Nasu Rei: Riddling things full of holes machine 15th Place - Ninomiya Masataka: Snowmanchine

Everyone below this doesn’t get a title so I’m not going to post the rest, but I did translate Ashihara’s commentary:

Thank you to everyone who participated in the popularity poll.

How did you find the results of this Second Popularity Poll now that the number of characters has almost doubled?

The popularity poll last time used the system of ‘voting for 3 people on one postcard’, but the same kind of popularity poll was being carried out in other serialising works at the time and the person counting the votes had a nervous breakdown (due to all the votes) apparently, so this time the system became ‘Application Ticket Style’ and ‘voting for 1 person on one postcard’.

Despite that, we received 14433 votes, and I am a little worried whether the person counting the votes really managed to take it easy. Also, there were multiple people who bought several copies of Shounen Jump and volume 15 to vote, so I am considerably worried about the circumstances of the fans’ wallets too.

This time, we did a ‘Single Vote Version Tally’ that removed the extreme multiple votes again, and in that version First was Osamu, Second was Yuuma, Third was Jin, Fourth was Kazama-san, Fifth was Izumi, Sixth was Konami, Seventh was Miwa, Eighth was Arafune, Ninth was Chika, and Tenth was Ninomiya��was how it went.

What catches my eye is the man who ranked in at 8th place in both the multiple votes and the single votes, Arafune Tetsuji, who isn’t all that strong a character and doesn’t have that much involvement with the protagonists either, so why is he so popular? He’s more popular than Hus and Tachikawa, you realise? That’s right, in the Valentine’s Tally he also ranked around this place…. Could there were a lot of people who found themselves drawn in by Arafune’s macho-ish scheme? Perhaps people want to support characters whose ideologies are visible, or characters who are focused on the future and doing their best in the present.

Thank you for all the votes!

Finally, the corrections from the magazine chapters. In chapter 152:

Osamu’s thoughts have been changed from ‘This landscape…’Urban Area A’…!’ to ‘Kuga and Chika are on the opposite side...!’

Since the MAP is revealed before transmission occurs (in previous matches) this change removes the contradiction with previous matches.

Chapter 158:

The Kochi Kame eyebrows have been removed (understandably), since the people who just read the manga volumes won’t know about the project.

Chapter 155:

When Mizukami said ‘Asteroid’ but was actually shooting Meteora. Yuuma’s eyes have now been fixed to show that his Side Effect did pick up on Mizukami’s lie. 

Several scenes now have Bagworms removed or on the verge of disappearing to adhere better to the two triggers at a time rule.

Ch152:

Ch155:

Ch156:

I think that’s all the major changes.

[amalberga391013]

My Revision

To be honest, growing up inside the military base is not easy. There are many rules and regulations that needs to be followed. But one thing is for sure, if you're a participative and athletic person, you'll enjoy living there just like me. I do love sports and outdoor activities so much that people thought I'm "tomboy" because I am one of the boys.

Basa Air Base is a camp of PAF (Philippine Air Force) soldiers. There are many challenging rules and commandments that thrilled me and disciplined me at the same time. I know almost all of the people inside that small community just like how they know me and the people I know. We all often interact with each other because in camp, there are many activities and guess what? I participated in almost all of it.

I was born in Basa Air Base Hospital and studied in Basa Air Base Nursery and Elementary School. I had experienced playing "larong pambata" outside the house, running under the rain, hunting a dragonfly, and become a little-dirty-grease kid. Yes, I had the best childhood.

Since I was very little, I am inlove with boys stuff and game toys . The aged people often told me to sit like a lady and walk like a decent girl, but I never did. Back in 4th grade, I enter Badminton clinic and became one of the juniors in our badminton court.

Badminton became my main sport because I believe that I am really good at it. I spent half of my school years to badminton trainings together with my co-badminton juniors. That time was one of my greatest years in life.

I never get insecure about my looks whenever I'm in school or in badminton court and I am not shy around boys. I am always confident on my face and on how I move when I play badminton and I don't really care on what other people think or say about me. Until one day, I met a boy. I was riding a bike that time when he stopped me and say, "Laro tayo ng badminton." then smiled. I knew him before. He is one of the best players in footballteam, a close friend's cousin, and our next door classroom pupil. He is one year ahead of me. I joined them to sneak inside the court just to play badminton with his cousin, which is my close friend, and his other friend. We play together and he told me that I am really good in that sport. Before we go home, his cousin whispered to me, "Crush ka daw ng pinsan ko." My heartbeat dropped and I don't know what to do. I hurried home because I don't think I can stand looking at him after what his cousin told me. That was the very first time to have those kind of feelings for someone.

Everyday after training, I always try my best to peek at the oval football field just to check him. His walk and posture really captures my inner me. Because of him, I learned to brush my hair before leaving the house and I have learned to look at the mirror every single time just to check if my hair is messy or if there's something wrong with my face or clothes.

In school, we are obligated to water the plants before the dismissal. One afternoon, while filling up the sprinkler, someone in my back said, "Pwede maki-igib ng tubig?" My heart beats so fast. The voice was very familiar and I'm in a hesitation of turning my head back because I am half sure that it is him. After a few seconds, I turn my head back and saw him. I do not know how respond so I just nod my head and leave immediately. He keeps on running on my head, all day, all night, to the point that I don't want to think of him anymore, but I just can't stop it. I can't forget the moment of his cousin telling me that he has a crush on me. I can hear that in my mind every night.

5th grade, 2011, we had our fieldtrip. My teacher announced that the 5th and 6th grade are sharing one jeep. My legs weakened and my face turned pale. I saw him walking towards the jeep that we are assigned to. I walk with my head down and and trying my best to be calm. Coincidentally, I sat right in front of him. I can't look forward, I can't move properly, and I can't think straight. My mind went blank and I feel like trembling. On the way, the atmosphere became quiet. I try to look at him and wow, he is asleep. I stared at him and I feel like flying, then suddenly, he woke up. He saw me staring at him and surprisingly, he raised his eyebrows to me and smiled. I smiled back with a hint of shyness. And that's all the encounter I had with him the whole trip.

In the same year, I am the only badminton player who passed the Sectorial Meet. A week after the competition, we had our medical for the upcoming PASDAAM. Litlle did I know that I am coming with the Football Team. Again, I can feel those kind of uneasy feelings. I hate it. While waiting for the doctor, someone approached me and say, "Congrats Maica." while tapping my shoulder. It is him, the person I admire the most. My world stopped, everything became slow and I can feel the sweat of my palms. I responded quickly by saying, "Thank you, congrats din." He is the only person who congratulated me other than my friends and classmates. I keep telling myself not to have any sort of hope that there's a chance of having an "Us" because there is really no chance. But there's still a part of me that keeps on hoping because he never take back what his cousin told me. Questions like "Why does he need to congratulate me?" and "Why does he need to smile at me?" are popping in my head. Then I realize, of course he congratulated me because not anyone can win in Sectorial Meet and he always smile to me because we play badminton before.

In the middle of training, my coach implemented a deal to say the name of their crushes when they didn't finish the two-round sprint in 20 seconds. I get very nervous because I am the least person in our court when it comes to running. I am also the youngest trainee that time and all of my co-juniors are high school students. Unfortunately, I didn't make it. I spill my feelings towards the boy I admire to all of my badminton friends and coaches. That was the biggest mistake of my life.

One morning, his cousin ask me, "Crush mo yung pinsan ko?" in a very loud voice. I was so shocked after hearing that. I know that the answer was so obvious and can be seen just by looking at my face, but, I said no. I keep on denying it because I don't want him to know about my feelings. If that happen, that's the end of me. But his cousin keeps of jesting me about him. My head wants to explode that is why i talked to his cousin. I confess my feelings for him to her and she promised that she'll never ever tell it to anyone.

I never thought of being scared of many people because I am hiding a feelings for someone. I became fragile to many things. My confidence turned down and I became shy to people especially to boys. At that time, I tried to let myself breathe first and stop the overthinkings. Then suddenly, my biggest nightmare happened. My co-junior entered the badminton court with the boy I am inlove with while saying, "Nasaan si Maica? I have something for her." For the third time, again, I felt it. The kind of feeling I hate the most. The more they get

closer to me, the more I can't think properly. I didn't know that they are so close to each other. I want to disappear and let the ground eat me because as soon as they come near me, my co-junior immediately said, "Diba crush mo 'to?" I.. am.. doomed.. But I just laughed and said, "Baliw hindi! Nanghuhula ka no?" and leave silently. I was so shy and ashamed. I don't know if I can face him again after what happened.

For me, time can handle everything. So, I entrusted my concerns to it. I just continue my everyday life routine and focus on my trainings for the upcoming competition. He still smiling at me whenever we bumped into each other or when players have a meeting for PASDAAM. That are the moments that made my days. My hopes are still there and I don't think it will fade off.

Having this kind of affection to someone makes me feel insecure and worried on how I look or behave. But this feeling makes me find my real self and gave me a lot of realizations. I had this kind of understanding where I can say, "Oh, so this is the feeling of liking someone, now I understand the feeling of being inlove like many people are experiencing".

I have decided to not deny it to my friends anymore because they deserve to know and I need to trust them. My surroundings became light with them. Everyday I tell them stories about him. They keep on saying that I have a chance to him because why would he still smile at me when there are people who says that I have a crush on him? Maybe because he also feels the same right?

Day of the competition and I am so ready. He is my inspiration to earn the first place. I became determined to win the every games I will enter. But, sadly, I lost. I just got the 1st place and didn't make it to CLRAA (Central Luzon Regional Athletic Association). I really don't get upset easily when I lose games but, I felt sadness the moment I heard that football team won. I want to have more memories with him, I still want to watch him play football after trainings, and I need to see those smiles he threw on me everytime I bumped into him. I need him more.

The darkest moment came into my life. His cousin told me that he is courting the girl in the same classroom he is in. That girl also likes him and they believe that they're already labeled as "MU". I didn't know what to feel back then. All I know is that, I was so dumb. I fooled myself with those smiles he has shown me. My hopes became dead air and my heart crushes. I can literally feel the pain on my chest like there something pressing it. It's so heavy. Another realization came in where I said, "So this is the feeling of being a heartbroken". All I want to do is to forget him and accept everything. I suppressed myself look at the oval football field whenever I walked near to it. I restrained myself to look at him whenever we passed by each other because I don't want to see those dazzling smiles again. But still, I think of him every single time of the day.

I enter doxology club because my mom wants me to. I didn't know that we will dance the doxology prayer on the day of graduation. Again, fidgety feeling. I want to run away but it's too late. We had practice it out completely when they told me that. My life is so difficult, I just had to accept it.

Graduation day, we're getting ready to perform. Before I step on stage, I look for him just to know the spot that I will avoid to look at. I cannot find him. While performing, he suddenly popped out in front of the stage looking at me with those sweet smile he have. I felt sad. After the performance, I was about to go home when someone called my name. It's him. I can still clearly remember the words he said to me, "Ingat ka palagi Maica." I didn't respond because he's in a hurry. That was the last moment I had with him.

Regret is something that I don't condone, that's why I don't have any regrets of meeting and knowing him. I am proud that I had experience those things that changed me. I became more aware of myself and other people around me unlike before. I learned to fixed myself and trust people that is close to me. I am now revised.

[megleanorthumbria]

Week 6 - Placement

Monday 4th February:

I continued on with my moodboards for SS20, these are taking longer than I expected, however I want to do them properly and am taking my time when it comes to doing my research. I think it is harder for me to do this research as it is a very specific demographic and my line manager knows what she wants from it so I feel like it is going to be hard to get it right and impress her. I am making sure that I am looking through all of our competitors and what products they have released for this SS for inspiration. 

The phones were picking up a little today so I answered some calls and generated as many orders as I possibly could. I think consumers are generally holding off on purchasing large quantities on their orders because a) the weather hasn’t been great, in fact it has snowed so no one is really thinking about buying Spring/Summer clothing. b) we have the impending Brexit looming over us so no one really knows what to expect from the outcome. A lot of people haven’t booked their usual summer holiday as they do not know how it is going to be handled by the EU. Brexit is having a massive impact on our trade, especially seen as the majority of our suppliers are out of the country, so it’s currently just a waiting game to see whether it’s going to be a hard or soft Brexit and the implications that it is going to have on retail as a whole.

Tuesday 5th February: 

Another day working on the moodboards, I finished some of them, particularly the ones concerned with colour, print and silhouette. I am now making individual boards for specific styles, e.g. trousers and skirts. 

I then reviewed the social media, I am using the Later app to schedule all of my posts, however I do like to make sure they are all still in the correct order and right content etc. Phones were slightly busier so I did take an odd call if it did come through from the Customer Service office. 

We then sat down as a team and discussed some business ideas, just to see if there was anything that we could think of to try and boost sales. It was interested for me as I learnt how much growth the company has had, and what it took to get them where they are today. I find the business aspect of things very interesting and everyone is willing to tell me anything in order for me to learn as much as I possibly can, which I do appreciate as not many companies would tell you all of their little secrets. I feel very much part of the team now and feel like I can put my opinion forward and not be shot down. I know that some of my ideas have already been suggested in the past and either it is something that has not worked out or they are not yet in the position to try it. 

Wednesday 6th February:

My line manager thinks that the posts on Instagram have been too samey and need spicing up a little, as it is just showing photos from the shoots currently but she wanted me to make it more about lifestyle and the ethos of the company. So I had a re-jig of the scheduled posts I have done just so I have incorporated what she has asked for, as she knows the brand better than anybody else and has a vision which is what I am trying to create for her. This lead tome researching our competitors social media so I could gather some ideas from them and steal any nice quotes that they may have used! I am wanting to create some text imagery on photoshop that matches in well with the brand. 

Then I moved onto the moodboards - I am almost finished! I am nervous to present them to my line manager as I like the ideas but overall she knows what sells best for us and I don't know if the ort of garments I have picked out for her are too young but we shall see! 

Thursday 7th February:

The phones seemed to really pick up today so I was answering the phones a lot today, most of the customers were new ones from the new mailing list so it takes a little longer to get them an account set up. The first mailing list we do is to our PF (product file) and this means that these are customers that have bought from us before, whether that be mail order or via telephone. This means we always get a strong reaction to the new season from them and get the cash flowing a bit better. Then after that it is all Abacus, which is a company that sells data that they have collated, depending on their demographic, spending tendencies etc. We buy this information in the hope that we an bring new customers to our company and add them onto our PF, so less money is spent each season from the data. However this does not always work, and we do receive a large quantity of catalogues that are sent back to us and we have to take them off the mailing list.

I finished off the social media scheduling that I had left to do on the Later app, to see how the reaction goes down with my line manager but also our followers. I am finding it very difficult to interact with our customer, especially via Instagram as it always seems to be the same people commenting on our collection and liking it. I am trying to branch out and find new followers, but half the time they do follow us and unfollow us straight away which is very frustrating and I am unsure why this is happening so I am trying to get to the bottom of it .

Friday 8th February: 

Everyone in my office was out of office today so my line manager said I could go work in the Customer Service office on a computer in there as she didn't want me to be lonely. I spent the majority of the day looking at social media, trying to draw up new ideas to help us gain and sustain  new followers and drive sales from it. This is a very difficult task, as companies like Crew Clothing use some of their photoshoot for lifestyle shots, featuring animals and the beach etc which we have not yet branched out and done so I am trying to use as may of our shots as I possibly can but at times this is difficult. 

We did get sent in some FIT samples from one of our suppliers, these are samples for AW19 and need fitting on a model and then approving so they can be struck of for production. I counted how many of the FIT samples there were and let the garment technologist know so she had a rough idea how many items she had to fit when she comes into office next week.

[glumnet-blog]

via Vace

correct me if im wrong but i dont think u ever had to experience the mandatory joys of hebrew school. maybe u did i forget i dont want to make you too jealous here but  i went to hebrew school on thursdays and sundays from 7-14 years old.  hebrew school lasted for just a couple of hours but it felt excruciatingly longer than that.  hebrew school was just like going to school, on top of goin to regular, grade school during the week. that is a ratio of 2 schools to every 1 week!  only a generous masochist would send their child to 2 different schools right?   i think it was worse than regular school though, bc i simply didn't have friends there.  the only vivid encounter i remember with a peer before 5th grade was with Lucas in the second grade, whom my mom delicately tried to pair us together in order to have our conversational sparks ignite, over a luigi video game, like she was trying to start a fire in the wilderness out of uninterested rock and twig.  lucas had a 7 year old mullet and had a lot of confidence.  i didn't like either of those things.  especially the mullet shit bc i was a rat tail or die kind of 7 year old.  after my mom literally accompanied me to hebrew school for awhile and the other kids thought i had special needs, she tried the opposite approach.  she hired the UC berkeley student hebrew school teacher to come tutor me once a week for an hour. this was pretty fucking weird.  my hebrew school was pretty lax and progressive.  in retrospect i realize the institution of the temple sinai hebrew school is much more about socializing with other jewish kids and pretending to memorize the va'haf'tah (or actually memorizing it if you're hannah sternberg and like to impress the rabbi) then to actually embed the jewish youth into intense and arduous jewish centered academia.  so having hairy 21 year old Noam awkwardly sit next to me at my kitchen table and timidly correct my mispronunciations of hebrew words was all a wash if you will.  but my mom was a stubborn mom who wanted her son to carry on the 'teachings of our ancestors' a forcefully sentimental phrase that makes you feel like a melodramatic bible scholar whenever u say it out loud.  thankfully these at home sessions didn't last long because of Noam's scheduling problems.  so for the rest of the fourth grade i was free of hebrew school.  but sooner or later fifth grade rolled around and my parents threatened me with no screen time for a month if i didn't go in. no screen time was a punishment way worse than death so i relented.    

i think it was at this first day of fifth grade hebrew school that shit changed.  2 things changed specifically. 1) i made nate laugh and 2) i made julia laugh.  when i wrote earlier i didn't have any friends in hebrew school i mean like i didn't even have acquaintances.  like i lethargically walked into class, pretended to be invisible for 2 hours, hid the bathroom during break times and waited impatiently after class on the sidewalk scouring the downtown oakland avenues for the plain yet angelic white of my moms 1995 honda oddesey.  i had made people laugh before at regular school i guess .  but there was something different about making hebrew school people laugh... i had somehow broken the social engima of this institution i had distain for, for so long.  not only that... it was a different kind of laugh ... at least coming from nate. i didnt just make nate laugh i made that motherfucker crack up.  watching him laugh was like watching a firecracker go off. like i got him in trouble from the teacher he was laughing so hard and uncontrollably.  making julia laugh was different.  she didnt crack up like nate.  but her laughter was genuine nonetheless and just as euphoric. it felt like whatever i imagine heroin to be everytime i saw her begin to open her mouth and smile and vibrate her whole head because of something i had said.  within the space of 2 hours i had acquired my first hebrew school friend and first hebrew school crush.  i was a fucking social millionaire....i would call this period of time, 5th grade, the golden age.   i could make nate laugh consistently and julia was a similarly consistent vessel to validate my 5th grade ego.  i was closer with nate bc we were both boys , and julia already had a very insular and exclusive trio which was not accepting new members.  herself, hannah, and arielle (who demanded to be called ari which i always was irritated by  she was a fake ari.  her real name was arielle! she was a fraud, imposter! my full name is ari.  i am the real ari.  stupid aside)....time pushed forward and 6th grade began.  several important dynamics changed in 6th grade.  the friends of nate who went to his real, 5 day a week school (st pauls) had been assigned to our 6th grade class.  additionally, puberty was pretty vivaciously in affect and thus social hierarchies were further matured as well as a recognition of elementary sexual thoughts and feelings.  i continued to make nate laugh but i felt like my secret companion was bein taken away by his St paul friends.  in order to combat this i tried to befriend all his friends.  something i learned then and throughout my life almost never works.... attempting to pass as an insider in a group where u are and always be an outsider.   i could make nates friend laugh a little bit but they were much more fond of making each other laugh.  also because they went to school with each other nathaniel (different than my friend nate) and jackson had an air of superiority and seniorirty over me.  even in the 6th grade i think i could detect this kind of unspoken social heirachy at play.  and with julia other guys were starting to make her laugh at hebrew school.  if you want to talk about social heirarchy she was definetly the queen of our class.   as puberty progressed the less cool i became.   bc my only claim to fame socially was humor , but i didnt understand all the other shit.  like dressing cool, talking cool, walking cool., etc.   that otther shit became important in middle school if not the rest of my life... because of this, and the fact im just a fucking shmuck at the end of the day , made julia talk to me less.  and with less talking came less laughing.  nate and julia's laugh was to special to me during this time just less frequent... and therefore more rare.  so when i did get it  from them it felt all that much better.

thhere was a point there end of 5th grade start of 6th grade i looked forward to hebrew school. i looked  forward to sitting down in the creaky, plastic black chairs in room 04 and whispering to nate about how ugly our teacher was.  i looked forward to playing tic tac toe with julia in the art room instead of drawing menorahs, and arguing with her about who had the ineferior tic tac toe skills (she did i got XXX like almost everytime ok) .  i even started to like  the fucking moldy, bookish smell of the temple because i associated it with having good times with julia and nate.

in the 7th grade my connections with nate and julia fell apart uninterestingly and sharply .  my friendships were fading with nate and julia before the year even started ....but of course with 7th grade we entered mid'rasha.  mid'rasha is just hebrew school for teenagers, explained my mom on teh car  ride over to my first mid rasha class.  that may be true for my mom but for me mid rasha was a new world.  a world i did not want to reside in.  midrasha was different in many ways, it was at night, it lumped in loud, sparkly 17 year olds with unsure, gangly 13 year olds in the same room, it was a different bigger campus, it was off.  clqiues were formed immiedatly and it was obvious i was not in the st pauls group.  the group nate was in.  i didnt even see julia at all i think she was   being ultra extroverted befriending the royalty that was 17 year olds who wore sean john and listened to MGMT before it was cool ( this was 2007) .  i went to naybe 5 or 6 mid rashas but i understood the jig was up.  i was no longer a funny person in the room nevermind the funniest in the room.  the teachers were young  attractive college students who you couldnt fun of at all for being ugly.  i wasnt even in the same elective as nate anymore so i couldnt whisper ' ruby is ugly' even if i wanted to.   1 time i did have an art class with Julia.  but now as an ambitious and earnest 13 year old she tackled the assignment sincerely.  i saw her drawing these detailed portraits i thought were gross because they reeked of being  a try-hard.  i just wanted to play tic tac toe.

i stopped going to mid rasha and i didnt see nate or julia again for a while. i didnt see nate until i was a junior in HS and i took the SATs at the high school nate attended.  when we were all getting checked in i saw him at a circular lunch table with his st paul friends.  i walked by him to say hello.  we gave each other a stoic and cold ' whats up dude '  .

the next time i saw julia was at my high school school sponsored dance.  at the time i was nervous as shit bc i did not know how much i would have to dance with my then girlfirend, what kind of dance i would have to do, if i should get mad at other guys dancing with her etc.  a bunch of high school dance inspired neuroses were blossoming in my head.   i was suprised as a motherfucker when i walked into the high school lobby and saw julia sitting a dinky plastic table checking students in.   i remember my brain being blank with confusion.  i walked up to her to get checked in.  she said hi ari with a smile.  the kind of trained smile a social butterfly has deployed many a time.  it was an impersonal smile.  it was warm and cold at the same time.  i said hello took my ticket and left without any small talk or acknowledgement of our hebrew school connection.   i went on to dance with my girlfriend a little but to mostly stand around and pep talk boris into making a move on yael.

i have not  seen either of them since.  i had a dream last night i was in hebrew school in the 6th grade.  julia was sitting across the class room.  she was mad i was looking at her and mouthed for me to stop.  nate was sitting next to me like he normally did in the 5th and 6th grade.  but he wasnt trying to exchange goofy remarks with me about all the flaws of the teacher.  instead he was listening attentively.  i leaned into to whisper somthing but he waved his hand faintly.  he was not to be disturbed

in sophmore year of high school my 'mentor' relayed to me that she was getting reports from teachers that i was exhibiting disturbing and unproductive behavior. disturbing and unproduvtive behavior? i thought.   i was just tryna get motherfuckers to laugh.  i was trying to chase the high of the first time i made nate cry.  i was trying to recreate the time julia was so approving of whatever joke i had made she rubbed my leg as an appreciating gesture and said youre soooo funny.  i never was able to recreate those highs in high school.  that kind of blind temporary euphoria stayed untapped, stored in my memories of hebrew school. my mentor said it was problematic that i was so loud and disruptive in class.  she understood i liked to horse around but she argued ' thats not the real you ari.  we both know you are better than that.  the real you is working hard , studying hard, respectful of teachers and avoiding distrations in class.  this class clown act you put on isnt the real you'  

that kind of pep talk , even at the time , felt weird to me.  who are you , some distant authoratative figure i meet with twice a month , to tell me who i am and who i am not.  and much more importantly beyond that, you tell me my true identity is attached to some golden scholar who wouldnt dare partake in the low life humor of classroom banter.  everything about academia makes me ripe with disgust and disinterest.  the only reason why school has been bareable at all is the social aspect.  making people laugh

during junior year of high school i went through my first break up , i cut friends off , friends cut me off, i went to my first funeral, i had an anxiety attack in jerasulem (symbolic of my relationship with judaism....in my opinoin) i felt increasingly alienated from my wealthy and narrow minded private school brethren, started smoking weed every night before bed and so on .  my mood was bad all the time, i was tired, and the last last last thign i wanted to do was to go to school.  this i now realize is my first bouts of Depression (dun dun duuunnnn).  

it is senior year of highh school now.  the students check in for the first time with their mentors.  my mentor relays to me personal behavioral report -  teachers now view me as quiet and respectful.    teachers are somewhat cognizant of my general apathy towards what is in front of me, but complimentary of my willingness  to put my head down and do the school work given to me.  my mentor is smiling and exclaiming ' see ari you did it!  this is the real you.  this is the hard working and respectful guy i know you have always been.  you dont have time for distractions you have higher priorities now' .  i just wanted the meeting to be over so i nodded my head rapidly in agreement.  however in my mind i thought the current version of myself teachers are describing could not  be further from the real  me.  the real me is still at temple sinai room 04 sitting in those cheap, creaky black chairs.  the real me is shaking nate's arm bc i just thought of a joke about the how ugly the spoken version of hebrew sounds to a non native speaker.   the real me is singing stronger by kanye in an obnxious robotic way , parodying the chorus in order to get julia to chuckle.  the real me has not been seen for or heard from for a while.  the new me is content with surviving the day without any interaction with peers.  the new me doesnt want to be seen.  the real me is still poking julia's shoulder, waiting for her to turn her head

[survivorbermuda-blog]

OWEN’S RITES OF PASSAGE

30th: Constance - ummmm crackt legend????? You were someone I was so shook to see playing these games again. Not really sure what happened or why u had to leave again. But hope you’re doing well!!! Unless you’re actually racist, then I don’t! Xo <3

29th: Mark Wilson - I do not know u but you rlly lucked out of escaping a 70 day season so soon huh

28th: Nick Nox - Thank god you left early bc one Nick was trouble enough for me kdjhjfjsdkfhjd

27th: Joey Palumbo - AHHHH I’m sorry we never got to play together! I was looking forward to talking more. Maybe next time

26th: Elliot Adams - you have a cool name we never were on a tribe together tho rip

25th: Dom Rou - LITERALLY YOU’RE A STUPID HOE?????? You asked me to apply to this game with you, YOU GOT ME INTO THIS MESS, and then you QUIT on me. The beginning of this game was 1000% different with all the talks we had, and I wonder how things would’ve changed if you hadn’t walked when you did. I prob wouldn’t be in f4 lmao so i guess thanks for dragging me into this and then peacing out ily

24th: Lily Lim - LOL Lily <3 You seemed like a really sweet person, even though your timezone made it a little hard to talk. I’m sorry you were the easiest target at that first tribal we went to as a swapped tribe, but the beef between you and Saxon made it the right choice. Hope you’re doin well!

23rd: Madison - ANOTHER QUEEN GOOOOOOOOOOD????? Robbed too soon????? I was so excited to play with you and Dom and then y’all got screwed over by the swap :( I’m sure we’ll play again someday tho

22nd: Julian - Julian!!! Your vote seems so so long ago, I wonder when these will start feeling like things I remember. Unfortunately the tribal divides between us pit us against each other a bit, but I’m glad we got to talk at least a little.

21st: Asya - KJDHJKHFKJSDHFK OK IM SORRY WE DID YOU SO DIRTY??? Dom had so many good things to say about you and I was excited to finally get to meet you and play with you even though he was gone. My wig went flyin real far when you came and snappt at me about telling AJ his name was going around….oops. After that I felt like there wasn’t enough trust left between us :( but now that I am hostin you I hope you forgive me

20th: Saxon - crackt legend????? First idol play of the game??????? Im shaking. You were someone else that I had known before the game started. I know you really really care about the games you’re in and you’re someone who fights as hard as possible, so it was sad to see you go so soon.

19th: Ryan - WOWOOWOW! When we met back on Paget I really thought you were someone who was going to go far with me in this game! I had so much fun talking to you and it was great to finally meet someone new right from the start after playing so many games with people I’d already met. You’re a smart player and a really social guy, and I’m more sad that you didn’t make it than I was about D*M!!!!!! I hope you get another shot at TS and I hope the math is alright lmao

18th: Dylan - idk who this is

17th: Haley - crossroads queen…...I was excited to actually know someone on the Tengaged tribe, even if it didnt help me out very much in the long run lol. Love u!

16th: Blake - We were never on a tribe together some how??? Through all those swaps omg. I’m sorry Maksym snatcht your record tho.

15th: Tee - Queen of Ponderosa…. I hope you’re still doing okay in there, hope they been feedin u well. I was excited to play together, and I really wish it would’ve worked out, but our agendas just ended up on entirely different pages during that first merge vote :( I don’t really know what the problem between you and Matt was, but unfortunately I had to side with someone I had been more loyal to from the start. You’re a queen though!!!! And I hope you’ve enjoyed seeing the game through a juror’s lens this past month!

14th: Sean - Hey Sean!!! You were one of the few Tengaged people I felt I didn’t connect with too much, mostly because the premerge time we spent together we never really went to tribal. I know you were one of the first casualties in a long line of people who left when I wanted it to be Nick… But I liked that you were always there for the tribals, and I feel bad that you went out that way after Nick used his exile :( Hope you’re doin okay!!

13th: AJ - AJ LEGEND!!! I really did love the group we had with Kage, even though my votes over this merge have probably said otherwise. I found myself in a weird position between wanting to work with you, but not wanting to vote out any of the names you gave me, and unfortunately it got to the point where I couldn’t keep protecting as many people as I would’ve liked, especially with Nick immune. I love you though buddy, and I hope we can talk again after this is all over.

12th: Kage - I don’t even know where to start omg. All I can think of is you wearing all of those shirts…. Probably the best thing I have ever seen at a tribal council. At the very start of this game, I never expected you to be someone I worked closely with. When you went around asking everyone where they idol searched, I was initially sketched out by you - but as time went on, I really appreciated having you as someone I could put trust in as the numbers got smaller. I don’t think here is the right place to go over all of the details of why I did what I did the round you left, but I respect everything you tried to do in this game and you’re one of the funniest people I’ve gotten to know from it. Can’t wait to see what shit ur gonna pull at FTC fkjshdfk

11th: Matt - Matthew Summers!!!! It was refreshing to actually get to work together from the start of a game this time, even through the rocky swaps pre-merge. I think of everything, your vote-off is the only one I was truly blindsided by, and I wish it could’ve been another way because talking to you about video games and thirsting over RJ was a refreshing break from all the stress lol. I love you!

10th: Nick - HOLY SHIT NICK!!! The man with nine lives in this game!!! I don’t really know why or how, but at some point I decided you had become my mortal enemy in the game. I think it’s because when we first met, you seemed to be trying to pull the strings a little bit on an alliance between me and some other TG people. Plus your scary poker skills… I immediately saw you as a dominant force, and it scared me to think of having you in the game for as long as you were. You had so many tricks up your sleeve, and you always had me on my toes - you were a huge reason that the merge portion of this game didn’t get stale or boring, and even though I’m happy to have finally conquered my enemy, I hope you’re proud of how well you did!

9th: Maksym - I’m not sure when we decided to work together, but you were someone I had 10000% trust in after those first couple merge votes. Especially when I was getting nervous about something (usually about Tim targeting me), you were at least there to listen. I know the timezone difference made it a little rough, but I’m glad we got to meet here and play together a bit :) I’m sorry you were ROBBED

8th: Rodrigo - I saved this one for last because you are probably the person I have the most to say to, even though I’m not quite sure how to say it. I don’t want to make this public forum into a place for us to hash out our own personal conflict, but I do want you to know that I meant all of the things I said to you out of friendship. You were a close friend to me in this game, and I appreciated that we kept each other safe as long as we could. I know you don’t want to hear it, but when I was given the choice between voting RJ or voting you, I had to side with the person who was willing to vote with me. I so so wish we could’ve made a vote work together that round, and I apologize for not giving you the same honesty in return about me writing your name down - though in hindsight, your idol could’ve done some serious damage that night. I hope you will forgive me for writing your name, because it was 10000% the best game decision for me that night, and it doesn’t reflect at all the way I feel about you outside of this game. And even more than all this game stuff I value your friendship to me. Even when we didn’t vote together, you were a friend, and that meant a lot to me. I love you a lot, and I hope you aren’t too mad at me by now.

7th: RJ - The love of my life….. Wow. When I saw the cast for this, I was SO BLESSED to have someone so hot and so straight on my tribe from the get-go. I love how your laid-back attitude mixes so well with your passion for this game. Even when we were bouncing the craziest ideas off each other, you were never afraid to try anything, and I’m glad we made it as far as we did together. I didn’t expect to ever use that idol on anybody but myself, but the thought of losing you too soon made me do something impulsive and I wouldn’t have done it any other way :) Talk to you soon <3

6th: Jake - I’m really thankful we got to talk in the couples days before you were gone. I know I could’ve done more to approached you on a personal level even after our games didnt quite align, and it was my bad that it took me so long to do so. I hope your Glee rewatch is keeping up, and maybe we’ll get to have a tiny Bermuda reunion if I visit in the fall since we are both gonna be future teachers :)

5th: Lily - It’s so weird to think that the first time we met was all the way back in Malibu. From the blindside in that game, to meeting IRL, to beasting it out in this one together, we’ve come a long way!! You were a phenomenal player this time around - a beast in the challenges, always staying loyal, and still somehow never managing to piss anybody off. I’m sorry that it was you and not me last night, but I know one day you’re gonna come back and snatch the win you deserve!!!

[faewinds]

SHANE RANT COMING THROUGH

I very rarely write anything on my tumblr, but today that changes, because yesterday I got 7 hearts with Shane and did all of this events one right after another due to my admittedly meandering path.

(There are spoilers, you were warned)

First Event: You wander up to Shane getting shwasted on the dock in the woods, and in a decidedly uncharacteristic act of charity and friendliness, he offers you a beer, but then you realize, no, he's just paying for you to sit through his sad!drunk ramblings. Starting disguised as a pseudo-intellectual conversation about life and our place in the universe, it quickly becomes a depression reveal, WHICH HE IMMEDIATELY DEFLECTS FROM by commenting on the fact that you chugged out beer, decreeing you a farmer, "after my own heart." He then, following the weeble-wobbling drunken tone of this dialogue, warns you against making it a habit, as you still have a bright future. Shane immediately has to leave, as he has a rumbly tummy, and ghosts.

Why This Annoyed Me: Thanks, dude, did Santa tell you that the only thing that beat out a pony and a will to live on my Christmas list this year was some asshole who will greet any attempt at conversation with some version of "Don't you have a job you should be doing?" until you get to 6 hearts, where he'll start asking why you're still hanging around because HE WAS BEING AN ASSHOLE ON P U R P O S E. That's def someone whose advice I can take seriously.

Second Event: Fucker is found in a pile of bottles in his room by his aunt who only comes in to his room after (it is implied) spending a hot minute trying knocking and having him open the door, which considering the amount of personal space this game usually handwaves for cutscenes, stood out. When you splash him to get him awake, he freaks and gets up, at which point his aunt, clearly nearing the end of her patience, asks what his deal is. It is more than a little worrying that in the little over 3 months since he moved in with Marnie, she has found him in either this state or one like it enough times that she so clearly at a loss for what to do, as Marnie's cutscenes and dialogue suggest that she is too practical a person for her to have just been ignoring it and hoping it'd go away. Shane, faced with his Aunt expressing her concern for him, counters with the classic, "You wouldn't understand," because that's a mature remark from a grown ass man in his late 20s. When Marnie, clearly desperate to try and get through to her nephew asks about his plans and goals, clearly trying to give him something to hold onto, Shane's reaction is so filled with drama that him getting ready to deliver his big line is distracting enough that he doesn't hear Jas walking in the room.

"Plan?" He stares off towards the book on raising chickens laying forgotten at the foot of his bed. "Hopefully I won't be around long enough to need a 'plan'-"

His artfully delivered line is not interrupted by his aunt or by you as he was probably expecting, but by his goddaughter running sobbing out of the room at her godfather's declaration. As Marnie goes running after her niece in an attempt to console her, Shane instead opts to halfheartedly calls out her name and an apology and fall to his knees in a hair-tugging temper tantrum.

Why This Annoyed Me: Homeboy, as someone who is also suicidally depressed, I understand that grabbing on to the lifelines people throw you is hard, and you don't always have the spoons to fix things. That being said, there is a fine line between 'my mental illness absolves me of all wrongdoing' and 'I'm entirely responsible for everything that happens due to my mental illness' and you, Shane, are wayyyyy too drunk to balance. I'd be more sympathetic to your plight if your response to everything that got you down was a vast array of things; drinking yourself to death is not one of them.

Third Scene: Wandering through the woods, you happen upon Shane yet again passed out in a pile of bottles, this time at the top of the cliffs next to the entrance to the cave. Shane, drunk as all hell, apologizes for not having the balls to throw himself off the cliff before you got there. He complains of having a worthless life - "All I do is work, sleep, and eat" - and demands that you give him a reason he shouldn't drunkenly roll off the edge right now. Amongst the options you have are;

There's so much to live for!!!!!!!!

JAS, YOU ASSHOLE

Suicide is a SIN against YOBA-JAYSUS

Hey, man, this isn't really a decision I can make, but I can be here for you.

His responses to these are as follows;

We very obviously disagree on this, as my main hobbies include raising chickens and drinking myself to death, fuck off.

HOLY SHIT, I SOMEHOW FORGOT I HAD A WHOLE GODDAUGHTER, THIS JUST BRINGS TO THE FOREFRONT HOW I AM TOTALLY THE PIECE OF SHIT THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND.

A, that is the worst possible way to convince someone not to kill themselves as if you're at the point where you're literally talking them off a ledge, one can probably safely assume that they give no shits about the scriptures of Yoba-Jesus (Who will be henseforth referred to as Yosus, because I can). B, that is also possibly one of the least comforting ways to try and talk someone off a ledge, as it implies that you care more about Yosus' opinion than about your supposed friend's wellbeing, as well as highlighting that you very obviously didn't read the YoBible very closely. One of Yosus' big things was that you should leave the judging to Yosus and his Dad and concentrate on being nice to people. Guilting people about making Yosus unhappy when they're going through major personal trauma? Seriously uncool. And C, the religious character are very clearly denoted as the ones who file into the shrine at the back of Pierre's. I am notably absent from those four whole people.

Wait...people actually care about my wellbeing? Marnie and Jas being visibly distressed by my drama in no way clued me in to this.

Regardless of what you say, or his opinion, you carry his ass to the hospital, where Harvey thanks you for bringing him in. The good doctor reassures that physically (though extended alcohol abuse has already started fucking him up visibly and that would take work to rectify) Shane is doing very well, and that Harvey expects him to make a full recovery in time. Harvey goes on to comment on the more lasting effect on mental illness and tells you that he is gonna recommend a counselor in a local city for Shane to see.

The next morning, the first thing you are greeted with on your way out the door is Shane, who apologizes for you having to LITERALLY TALKING HIM OFF A CLIFF and informs you that he's going to visit the counselor that Harvey suggested. You have three responses to this;

Well, thank fuck I decided to take the the long way to Krobus' huh?

Hey, maybe now you'll stop being such a fucking dick, amiright?

I'm just happy you're still here.

To which he answers;

RIGHT YOSUS YOHRIST

Wow, yes, thank you, that's why I am currently regretting coming to update you, cause I had been under the impression that was good form for someone you forced to help you through a suicide attempt, but you're a douche, never fucking talking to you again.

...that got heavy real fuckin fast, I was blitzed, it was that bad? Yosus, sorry.

Why This Annoyed Me: This is actually the point where Shane started becoming less two dimensional for me. He does have Turd At The Center Of The Universe Complex, but depression sometimes comes with the feeling that everything's the worst specifically around you and everyone in your immediate vicinity would be immediately better off without you around. That being said, Shane, you live with Jas, she is at most 6, how did you manage to forget her? You are obviously important to her, and she obviously feels comfortable just wandering into your room. Maybe pay her more attention.

I was super pumped after that heart event, because that gave me hope that there was gonna be a nice, happy recovery story. I was further enthused by the next one.

Forth Scene: Shane walks in to the Ranch, and Marnie comments on his good mood, which she immediately ruins by suggesting it's because there's a sale on beer. Shane looks unhappy, but bounces back, telling her he's switched to soda water and he feels a lot better before giving Jas a new pair of play slippers that he can now afford because his entire disposable income isn't going into booze.

My Issues: Marnie, we can understand that he's apparently been pulling this shit for a hot minute, so it's understandable that you're patience is wearing thin, but maybe starting that particular fight with him while he's looking happy and, above all, sober, right after he got out of the hospital for a suicide attempt that alcohol and being drunk played a big role in might not be the best of ideas.

5th Scene: Shane is filming an ad for a Joja Mart competition, and asks you to walk through the back of the scene to make it seem less fake. Clint chugs a bottle of soda because Emily makes him nervous. He turns blue.

Issues: Nonexistent, his character is developing and this is the first cutscene that isn't centered around his addiction and is evidence of him actually trying to start moving on and doing better.

6th Event: You walk into the ranch and Jas takes you to the back, where Shane has a heart to heart with his favorite chicken, Charlie, carrying her around while doting upon his fancy blue chickens.

Issues: FANCY. BLUE. CHICKENS.

Salty, Salty Conclusion

They didn't change a n y of his dialogue as his hearts increase. So, if you talk to him right after he comes to you about going into counseling, he'll tell you that he's going to the bar because there's nothing else to do.