#ny heart hurts
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F*ck life bro, I literally just trauma dumped about the trauma my dad gave me, and then how he's better now but it doesn't erase anything, in an ao3 comment section. And then my dad calls me (bc my mom is on the phone with the insurance company and didn't answer) about how he got in an accident and might need my mom to pick him up. He does not elaborate further, so I stand there trying to tell my mom without interrupting her, making up sh*t about how he could be hurt. I finally tell her and she calls my dad, he's fine, thank God, but the car we have had for years is finally out of commission.
Anyways...
#rant post#rambles#ny heart hurts#i am having hot cold chills#im fine#my body is reacting to my emotion#but its f*cking annoying#emotional capacity reached
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nya is always going to be my favorite
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no you don't get it crowley literally kissed aziraphale that is an actual thing that happened. let's set any meaning or motivation behind it aside for a second, crowley kissed aziraphale.
#neil gaiman and terry pratchett had that PLANNED. that is a REAL thing that happened#i read so much fanfiction that anything like that feels so made up but then i see a gif and I'm like#THEY LITERALLY KISSED#I'm going insane I'm trying to make some sort of point here like#forget how sad it was and what crowley might have meant by it and all the dialogue before where they said so much in so little words#he kissed him. he didn't walk away. he kissed him. and aziraphale didn't try to push him away or anything.#it's just so crazy. i need season 3 so bad ny heart hurts#good omens
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My impression of how strongly Taylor felt about Harry Styles is VASTLY different after hearing the vault tracks
#i wonder if some of that isn't production#ngl it DID throw me a bit that the vault tracks are obviously produced by jack and the originals obviously are not#but for whatever reason#the original album always gave me the impression of the image she cultivated during the era:#shiny cool confident ny girl about town with her girlfriends#knowing that harry isn't ever going to pan out but jumping in anyways for the fun and excitement while it lasts#hoping for more but (if you'll excuse me) shaking it off when things inevitably finally fall apart#but the vault tracks peel back her confident exterior more and show just how BADLY she hoped for more#calling her mom for comfort?#pretending not to notice he's texting other girls but being utterly crushed?#reading into his new hair and aching to talk to him about it?#in most of the original tracks she sands away a lot of these vulnerable details#like she doesn't want him or us to see just HOW badly and HOW specifically he hurt her#but listening to the vault tracks my reaction was oh shit he really did break her heart#God bless i always thought harry styles was Not It#(as a bf#i do enjoy his music quite a bit though purely for the vibes)#but boy this guy is NOT IT#taylor swift#1989 (taylor's version)
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Had my first patient pass away today.
#tw death#she was on hospice and it was her time#I feel at peace that she is no longer suffering. I wish her eternal comfort a peace.#I know she was very loved#and she lived a very long life#and I did ny best to keep her as comfortable as possible#still… my heart is so heavy and full of hurt#and God knows when I gave her family members hugs I needed them just as much as they did#please know that even though we don’t stay in your lives for long.. your nurses truly do care for you with their whole hearts#I really do come to love all of my patients
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#delete l8r#gotta vent first#i shouldve just gotten drunk tbh#i think i just dont celebrate holidays anymore. like.#i never plan or do anything for them or ever have anyone to do them with.#dont see a point.#im tired. i feel bad.#my heart hurts. i want to cry but ny body is withholding for some reason#i want to sink through the dirt and disappear
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now wtf they killed jessica for?
#i am upset#this has jus pissed me off#this is upsetting#poor flack#damn man#my heart hurts for my boy#he fought so hard to get her there in time#bless him#csi ny
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And if you wanna say why in the tags feel free to do so !
#gamer txt.#pokemon#you can specify between og game and its remake ofc if you only dislike one#we all know my least fav is SwSh because it sucks#it hurts my scottish heart it couldve been good yknow it couldve been really fun and then it was just somehow worse england#its the only pkmn game where i hate all the starters how did they do that how do you fuck up that bad?#its not even jjust me ny followers agree the galar starters were the worst#and ofc it fell to the new trend of excessively long intros and tutorials#can i please just play the game? can ppl stop fucking talking to me#alrhough ill give it props for being the only game without a forced catching tutorial i really thought they wouldve kept that but no i guess
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Nothing better than to think about Mob Pyscho 100 and how it is a story about self acceptance and love and how you are able to impact everyone around you just like everyone can change you as well and then when I realize I am already crying about that awesome anime once again literally twice because it's *beautiful*
#spoilers#mp100 thoughts#it's just..... this anime is so much full of love#love for your friends that accepts you and make you discover new things to be happy about.#love for your brother that is there for you no matter what and that cares so much that it hurts him#love for your master that is silly and pretentious but that *cares* and guides and helps and listens and and and#love for your childhood crush because she was the one that knew all the sides of yourself and accepted them anyway#love for the spirit that is grumpy and sarcastic but that would do anything to help him when he needs#love for the club that still accepts and cheers him thro all the challenges again and again#love for his friend who once was an enemy but now is at his side at any moment that he needs for absolutely anything#there is just..... aaaarg! so much of it! for the people that attacked him but now is out there living their normal lifes!#and love for himself. that last part of him finally starting to accept his powers healed me in ways that I didn't even realize that I neeed#gosh#maybe I will rb this with all my rambles about the characters and especially Ritsu because they give me so much feelings#kanene being kanene#it's 12 am which means that is the perfect time to hug my sis while sobbing ny hearts content because a bunch of 2d characters made me#wonder about the beauty of live and the importance of giving yourself a chance to live#f u c k#and gosh the bean is like 14 years old calm down mah man calm down
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Just read the most recent chapter of Exlibrium!
FINALLY, I WILL LEARN WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO SASHA AND INGA.
FINALLY, I WILL LEARN WHAT KIND OF MYSTERIOUS SHIT FUCKED THEM UP!
FINALLY, I WILL LEARN WHAT MADE THEIR HAIR TURN GRAY-
#also: finally got a confirmation that Inga is in fact dyslexic#and that all this shit happened when Sasha finally found a book that was suitable for her#in his own words that's what best friends do: help each other and find ways to enjoy things for one another#and I'm crying T-T because they didn't deserve this shit. they deserved to just live and go to mcdonalds and libraries and stuff.#and the fact that a huge amount of guilt Sasha has is connected to what happened to his bff Inga because of him???#like he legitimately wanted to end his life after that happened but he had 'a reason' to stay#and that reason is heavily implied to be Inga#AND NOW I FEEL THINGS-#and like- he has a LOT of reasons to feel guilty about it!#1) Inga had to endure the ink poisoning process because of him#2) Inga had risk her life and bind herself to what I can only call a 'magic trauma university'#(or otherwise 'pretty accurate depiction of what philology students in russian universities go through')#3) Inga had to be tested (like him) by the shitty council AND IT WAS NOT A PLEASANT EXPERIENCE#4) When Sasha got fed up with the council's lies and basically fell in love with a book character he started keeping things away from Inga#and even left her alone on the New Year's Eve that they were supposed to spend together#(action that arguably broke Inga's heart because we see everyone celebrating NY with their friends/families/lovers except for her:#she walks alone in the cold looking into her phone and crying - THAT WAS MESSED UP)#which caused her to wonder why her best friend started behaving like this because he never tried to do sth that will hurt her feelings#(and considering to what lengths he went just to find that damn book it's no wonder why she loves him so much)#and she got worried. and everyone judged her for trying to find him.#except for one person. that person happened to be the one who helped her find Sasha.#and this person also died in the process because went there. now imagine if Inga decided to go to that place instead of him.#imagine amount of guilt Sasha felt after that. yes he feels guilty enough because his friend died.#but imagine how much worse it would be if it was his best friend Inga who was just worried for him!#actually that's the worst thing that happened to them.#and the worst thing about it is that Sasha still can't accept Inga's unconditional love for him because he feels like he doesn't deserve it#but she continues to express her love anyway#and that's the reason why their emotional moments are while rare are still the most earnest raw and personal#sorry it turned into a rant#I am emotional today
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MY BEST FRIEND IS BACK IN TOWN MY BF IS BAAAAAACKKKKKK IM ABOUT TO BE RUNNING UP N DOWN HOUSTON WILL MY ASS N TIDDIES OUT WITH MY MAIN BITCH
#i get to see her b4 i move north n b4 she goes back to ny :')#i miss her so much i can't put it into words just know my heart hurts but is happy bc i miss her so much and i finally get to hug her
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wham wham wham wham
wham!
heartbeat heartbeat y do u keep me here
#txt#urggghhhhhhhhhhhh#brain wrms#ughhhhhh#lays face dwn on th ground#man#smetimes im lik#y am i so timid abt tlkn abt stuff i lov#y do i assume tht im bein a bothr so wuickly n readily#n thn i thnk bck 2 alla th times i bn arnd ppl who did see me as a bothr n tht ddnt care abt what i had 2 say#n i rmbr alla th times i was tlkn excitedly abt smth only 2 b shut dwn#n my heart curdles at it ykno#n lik idk it hurts n so its bcme rly scary 2 share th stuff tht mke me excited#n its easy 4 me 2 shy away n wanna stop#b4 i rly startd wrkn on it n allowing myself 2 demand space 2 tke up#i used 2 let ppl refuse 2 giv me ny at all#n its so simple n clear whn i tlk 2 my mom n stuff abt thngs tht she doesnt deem ‘imprnt’#thngs tht r imprtnt 2 her r Her Interests n also imprnt big decisions n also thngs tht mke her feel useful#but outside of thht its not worthy of her attn#i rmbr a coupla months ago i was tellin her abt my day#n lik#fckn mid sentence she pulls out her phne n strts scrollin vidoes on insta or fb or smth#lik she had alrdy bn since checkd out of wht i had 2 say#n she was th 1 tht askd me abt it#lik…… if i wna tlk abt smth tht doesnt get her immediatley n 1 of her categories#she chcks out n its lik she 4gets im there#it mkes me sad ig#n its nothng new#othr ppl hve dne it but not scenarios i wnna tlk abt
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Sometimes it's very fun making villains out of characters that I really like.
#i really like ulfric as a character because even though i portray him as a villain in the perfect storm#it's mostly because elyse and balgruuf have values which clash with ulfric's#and Elyse does not know what is reasonable to put up with and just views it all as hassling her#but the moral greyness of ulfric really gives itself well to coming across as a villain in ny fic#when he is actually just trying to do what he thinks will benefit skyrim most but isn't doing it in a way that could sway elyse or balgruuf#plus elyse really took what she saw from her parents to heart. she won't marry unless it's for actual love#she doesn't want to be manipulated into doing what she doesn't like#and most notably of all she doesn't like sharing burdens.... which forces ulfric into even more of a villain-like position#because it forces people to go through extra hoops to work things out when others do get involved#it'd hurt me too much to make balgruuf a villain though. I'm in too deep with him.
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I'm sooo funny and so so so depressed
#and cross faded as hell#im doing great i can breathe i can hear i can see#jk on all fronts#its been a ROLLARCOASTER AND I WANT OFF#its kind of fun falling down a rabbit hole of ny psyche#im tired and my heart hurts and im tired of literally everything#just want to be normal please#norm.allie
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cursed bunny, i love you
#dont mind me im just documenting my love of an extremely fucked up book#my little brain hurts#u ever read a story that just... nests itself so deeply inside your heart and ur head u can feel it's settling in to stay with you Forever#maybe im just having a funky day but reading a story that's an allegory for the experience of abuse is something i didn't know i needed#or would feel as seen by as i do#ny heart hurts and i could do with a big cry and a big hug
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anyway i took a nap and now im feeling a bit better
#crow talks#heart beat was too fast than usual#ny neck hurts tho but hey it's better than me fainting!#i do not want to faint again... that was terrible.#and embarrassing#i fainted in public and it took like. a couple seconds (from what my mom told me) for someone to help#that day was already stressful for my parents so me fainting just added more lol#my dad wasnt there to help bc he was busy getting our new car and my sisters were just. checking out figures when i fainted#they found some miku figures tho!#(expensive af apparently)#but yeah they asked me what it was like to faint and shit lol#i barely remember what happened before that#all i remember was it was a bit overwhelming and hot then i fainted#anyway yeah i am ok now#gonna. try to get kyoko's 4* star now lol
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