#obvi if other trans ppl DO feel that their gender is different from cis ppl's thats totally fine

[kaleidoscopic-quiddity]

gonna be honest i lowkey don’t like using the word ‘transgender’ to describe myself at this point, like idk maybe this is because i’m Chronically Online TM or whatever but i feel like the term ‘transgender’ carries like,, so many implications about someone’s political stance and how they view themselves, or that just being trans is a political identity in and of itself, and like fair enough if that’s how it feels for other people but like,, that’s definitely not how it is for me. i view myself more as just some dude who happens to be afab, my being trans has fuck all to do with my political stances, my personality, or my personal preferences. like i am literally Just Some Guy. the issue here isn't that i’m ashamed of the term ‘trans’ or feel that its literal definition doesn’t apply to me any more, it definitely does, but more so that i hate how just one singular word is used to imply so much about who someone is as a person and their relationship with gender, whereas a term like ‘blonde man’ literally just tells you that someone is a man and is blonde.

like as far as i’m concerned i have no ~special~ relationship with masculinity, my gender is identical to that of a cis guy’s in the way that a blonde guy and a ginger guy are both guys, and thus the same gender. and the only reason i have ‘relationship’, (if it can be called that), to femininity at all is because i was socialised as a girl for roughly 14 years. and if i’m honestly, femininity means nothing to me in the sense that it doesn't apply to me at all nor do i have any desire to partake in it, or be perceived as someone who posses the quality of femininity. not to say that men cant be feminine, or that femininity is an undesirable trait, neither of those things are true at all, but rather just that i hold no connection to femininity at all, other than an understanding of what it is like to be socialised as somebody possessing that trait, and i feel like these days ppl who are defined as trans men are expected to have this complex, possibly resentful, possibly nostalgic relationship with it and are also perceived as like, being men, but being men in a different way from the way cis men are men, which is honestly fucking infuriating to me because i’m just a man, period, and my being trans doesn’t actually affect how i’m a man because i just am. 

to me the word ‘trans’ should imply just as much about somebody’s relationship to gender as the word ‘brunette’, which is to say, absolutely nothing other than that they are a person of a particular gender who also happens to posses a particular superficial trait, but it doesn’t. instead, ‘transgender’ is used as a shorthand to imply a whole lot of complex gender shit, or that ppl who are trans are actually a somewhat different ‘type’ of male or female than ppl who are cis, and as someone who absolutely none of that is true for, it makes using the term ‘trans’ as a self descriptor really fucking annoying. like i said, i view myself as Literally Just Some Guy who also just so happens to be someone who was assigned female at birth, which doesn’t actually mean very much in regards to my relationship with gender, because i’d be a man in the exact same way if i just so happened to be someone who was assigned male at birth. i don’t have any special relationship with masculinity or femininity by virtue of being trans, nor do i feel that i navigate my gender identity differently from that of a cis guy or that my gender is inherently different from that of a cis guy’s, and i definitely dont consider my gender to have a bond with or encapsulate or overlap with femininity in any way. 

as fucking dumb of an oxymoron as it is, ‘cis man who happens to be afab’ honestly feels like a better description of my gender than ‘transgender man’ because of the way i feel that the term ‘trans’ has been warped by online spaces and irl political discourse. like, trans masculinity is meaningless to me in the sense that i don’t feel that it’s any different from cis masculinity. or rather, i dont feel that there are such separate things as ‘trans masculinity’ and ‘cis masculinity’. men are men, women are women, enbies are enbies, yknow? things like ‘trans’ and ‘cis’ are just vague descriptors that don’t actually mean anything in regards to gender identity and self-image, (as well as political leanings, personality traits, etc) in the same way that ‘blonde’ and ‘brunette’ don’t tell you anything actually important about someone’s gender identity. i just dont feel, that im my own particular personal circumstances, that there’s actually any valid distinction to be made between ‘trans’ manhood and ‘cis’ manhood, male-ness is just male-ness in and of itself. 

[dughole]

putting under the cut bc its too long..... .. ,...,. please share opinions and thoughts and opinions i am struggling.

does any other trans ppl like closeted or otherwise feel very alienated by ppl who r nb but it’s unclear whether they consider themselves trans or not. like obvi understanding if ur trans is an intimate process and it’s one that no one else is entitled to, but like, none of us lives in a vaccuum and regardless of whether ur experiencing interalized transphobia or ur just a bigot like - ur still affecting other ppl? i am having the problem of. there r people in my life who r using indicators of transness via their pronouns - but, they turn around and say really horribly physically transphobic stuff/they date someone who says those kinds of things/won’t call them out on it until another trans person does/they turn down active opportunities to be referred to by the correct pronouns by their family.. like these ppl can’t even say the word trans, or they can’t even like. be nice to me if they know i am trans. like i came out to an ex friend in order to tell them they were being transphobic towards myself and my ex, and they just .. stopped talking to me despite promising they were going to consider how badly their biases contribute to like. transphobic violence. and they don’t even make themselves open to criticism for transphobia most of the time like. r y’all having problems with that. like with cis nb ppl or otherwise. am i evil for feeling very bad and confused by that kind of behavior. like. i do not think these ppl r lying or scheming and transness isn’t defined by pain and i hate the stupid idea of “transtrenders” like that’s fake and who knows where these ppl will end up knowing abt themselves like it’s not my job to determine that. like, I will believe what you tell me about urself full stop and I am not going into it with skepticism. but. i am.. still having problems. like u r trying to detach urself from the gender binary but u r also asking people what’s in their pants and violating my sexual experiences bc of the trans aspect of them. and associating penises with ur sexual trauma to the end that u r making really shitty comments abt trans ppl in ur life. help. like it is starting to get to a point where ppl in my life will come out as nb while refusing to touch the concept of transness w a ten foot pole and i feel. alienated and sad instead of connecting with them on like, oh you also feel very alienated and disconnected by ur agab. like i feel like. this is a problem and a trend but it is hard to identify bc its nebulous like. this may not apply to u and ignore it if it doesn’t but if u R cis i think you should like. know u r cis and know what that means. and obvi like, being cis is a complicated thing too like bc a lot of ppl experience gender legitimization! and bc the line between cis and trans is blurry sometimes, but like! i feel like. everyone is responsible to know how they wield the biases that r inherent to society, like r u wielding it inwards at urself or at other people.. like maybe whether or not u know or consider urself cis is whatever but u should know if u r trans or not for the sake of urself and others. I do not know. transmedicalism is evil and im someone who has a very complex view of my tr*nsness esp. bc i am closeted in many parts of my life and im not in a safe circumstances. but like, i guess i do feel alienated by ppl who r using the same langauge as me but also, like, actively harming me and ppl i love, and like, make me feel weird for wanting surgery and to look different. like i dont think, transness is defined by dysphoria, its fucked up to think that!!!! is what i am saying making sense.!!!! I feel like ive seen similar thoughts expressed by other trans ppl like many trans women hav been like. guys i know ur all for "dont assume peoples genders its fucked up and bad" but also, when a trans woman presents femininely and like. isnt presumed a woman under those same guidelines by other queer ppl at best it makes them feel insanely unwelcome in their own community and at worst it actively gets them killed or assaulted like. problems !!! i am struggling to know how to talk about this

and i feel like it is just in my head.. am . i . crazy. am i hateful and evil and projecting.

[ultimiavlad]

i feel good enough to post this over here too so i will (im just copy+pasting from twitter with some editing here n there). Its abt my experience with being trans so far.

I gotta say, it's super infantalizing when ppl try to affirm my gender. Like "yes. You are a Man!!"(like when I do something. a sir isnt going to bother me, but if i burp or some shit this aint good) I'm the same person I've always been. I don't have a separation from who I was before knowing I was trans. I am the same, only diff name n gender.

I get they're trying to be nice, but it rubs me the same way as when ppl go "wow, you're so well spoken (for an autistic person)!" I'm just... Me. I'm no one different. Just Me. And I hate that there's a general narrative for trans folk abt being a hugely diff person than you were pre transition. Like this separation is necessary. I don't have that separation. I don't WANT it, but often Its forced into me. By no means is this a Cis only thing either. Other trans folk do this shit to me all the time (which is kinda the reason this whole thread came to be. other trans folk). I hate it. I am the me I've always been, stop trying to take that from me. 

To add onto this more, I hate that folk feel like they gotta make a huge deal Abt me being trans. It feels like I'm being separated from myself. I just want to be Seth, that's it. I don't want any commotion Abt it. I'm Seth, let's move on.

I'm realizing a huge thing for me is losing myself and who I am as a person. I guess growing up as a girl and not having any say in who I am really hit me something hard. Like a huge thing has always been my hair and people making that to be me. Ppl obsessed over my hair. Ppl obsessed over how rich it looked, the beautiful color, how healthy it was. But that wasn't me. But they made it me. I hated my hair bc ppl saw that before me. When I would stress over something I'd tear my hair out. Obvi I don't do that anymore but its something I think Abt often. I take better care of my hair bc ppl don't obsess over girls with short hair. They think they're spent. Nothing to hold or comb, nothing to romanticize blowing in the wind. People finally focus on me, and not my hair before me.

I'm just having a lot of feelings on how people see and react to me. Having other trans ppl fit me in a box of what men are ""supposed"" to act/do has me messed. I got enough of that when I was a girl, stop!! I know I sound like a broken record but, I'm just me.

And that's another thing. I feel comfortable with saying "when I was a girl" I hate ppl correcting me on that. I'm not purposely misgendering myself. My experience with being a girl is hyper important to me bc of how ppl obsessed with my being and how ppl reacted to me. I was a girl. I'm not now.

This threads gotten long but the subject matter is important to me. I don't want to express myself differently than when I was a girl bc I don't attribute my personality to my gender. I don't feel I need to push masculine. I just want to be me and not be pushed differently.