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bigskydreaming · 5 years ago

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For @broimbi because their continued interest in By Lost Ways keeps me engaged, and prompted this slight detour into the notes of Roy on the trick behind crafting magical arrows. Not totally one hundred percent sure I’m ‘canonizing’ this as officially part of the story’s backstory, but it is all set before the start of it, and mostly just a humorous exploration of the magic. You don’t really need prior knowledge of DC to follow along, or even the story itself, as the important stuff all gets recovered in his own words anyway.

The notes of one Roy Harper on the magic-science of feathercrafting and fletching:

Herein lies everything I’ve uncovered, experimented and surmised on the subject of using magical feathercraftings in pursuit of archery. For posterity, see. So that future generations can bask in the brilliance of me.

Hey, that rhymed.

Now of course, people have been used feathercrafting to make arrows with special properties for centuries. But I always felt, from a very young age, that there was so much more to the artform than had been discovered so far, and so many more secrets within the Deck, specific to archery, just waiting to be unlocked. And thus began my own lifelong quest to seek out and uncover those mysteries, and leave my own mark upon the art of feathercrafting arrows.

It had nothing to do with me being bored, and anyone who says otherwise is a liar who should be ignored. Especially if their name is West.

To start off, a lot of feathercrafting is self-explanatory, when it comes to making arrows....sure, everyone knows that most feathers have more than a couple different properties, but arrows themselves tend to be a lot more finite in function, and thus there’s only so many ways - and so many reasons - for which people would modify them with feathercraftings. Thus any time you use feathers of all the same kind when crafting an arrow - say, much like you would if you were making a non-magical arrow - you’re pretty much only going to get one magical effect.....though that’s usually all you’re looking for.

So whether you use three or four feathers, it makes no difference if they’re all of the same type. Any arrow made with seagull feathers, for example, is made with distance in mind....to channel the magical properties of the Regent of Distance, and thus magically extend an arrow’s flight. Arrows made with sparrow feathers, its opposing Regent force, are looking to reduce distance, with such arrows often being utilized over the centuries by so-called snipers....the magic of their sparrow feathers ‘eating up’ the distance they cross at a much greater rate than they would non-magically, with gains made here to accuracy, impact, etc. But I’ll get back to that.

But similarly, tanager feathers are pretty much all you need for an incendiary arrow, something you just want to ignite upon impact, while canary feathers have long been used to make the kind of arrows West calls screamers, which is reason number five hundred and ten why he’s never allowed near my workshop. And also shouldn’t be allowed to speak, ever. Or at least not in civilized company. No, I had it right the first time, ever. Gotta trust my instincts.

So, that’s all pretty much a given. And when you use three different feathercraftings of all different kinds in your arrow, you suddenly get a lot going on all at once, unlocking a lot of interesting combinations, but its still fairly straightforward. All three feathercraftings lend their magic simultaneously, working in concert either in flight or upon impact, or at least not at odds directly. Unless two of those feathercraftings are of opposing Regents, at which point their magic will just cancel each other out, but why would you even do that, that’s stupid and wasteful, what’s the point. Opposing regents act in opposition to each other. They’re opposites. Everyone knows that, duh.

Unless....hang on, just had a thought.

Okay so technically, because its not like opposing Regents cancel each other out completely, or completely negate each other and the forces they embody, and in fact according to legend and acts of ridiculousness as witnessed by me, watching my best friend the Robin Regent be ridiculous, like when you consider that in a lot of ways and times and places the Regents and their respective forces are meant to act as limiting agents upon each other, not negating ones......okay, so theoretically, there could be purpose to combining, say, sparrow and seagull craftings to the same arrow, if you were able to in some way quantify how much their magic acts upon each other, and thus calculate say.....how to combine sparrow and sea gull feathers in such a way as to get a precise distance as an end result, with the sea gull feathers magically increasing the length of the arrow’s flight, but the sparrow feathercrafting being precise enough in....diluting the sea gull feathercraftings, for lack of a better word, that it ensures the arrow doesn’t overshoot its mark but rather while enhanced in distance, still is limited in how enhanced it is and thus can still strike a far off target with precision. Obviously, there wouldn’t have been much point to this line of thought in ages past because the greater issue here is there’s not much point to an arrow that flies significantly further than you can aim anyway, but with advances in telescopics and magnifying lens, that’s no longer the given that it once was, which means.....

Hang on notes, and by notes I mean self, and also future audiences of fans legion in number.....I’m about to go revolutionize the entire art of feathercrafting arrows!

****

Okay, after a looooot of experimentation, and I do mean a lot, I have concluded that yes, my idea here has merit, and no, I’m probably not the first to think of it. But rather, the reason its not a known thing practiced the world over is because getting the mitigating effects of one Regent’s feather upon another in arrow-making, like, requires precise calculations that are dependent on a math and units of measurement that I don’t think have been invented yet? Like, to do what I’m trying to do, or make it happen reliably rather than sporadically, one first has to have some system of measuring the magical forces embodied and contained within each feathercrafting, and so manipulate and cultivate the feathercraftings via their size, shape and combination, in such a way as to result in the precise magical output without getting in the way of the fletchings enabling the arrow’s flight in the first place, rather than hindering it. Its that last part that’s really the sticking point....obviously, people combining feathercraftings and manipulating their magical output via the shaping of the feathers themselves...this is something that’s been done in all sorts of ways in all parts of society throughout civilization....but usually its considered to be more of an art than a science. Something without hard and fast rules, something most feathercrafters say is more a matter of feel and intuition rather than looking to engineer - and replicate - precise results with each and every crafting. But archery doesn’t allow for that kind of thing.....it’s physics, its momentum and force and angle and lift and drag and all kinds of things that require knowing exactly what you’re working with when you notch each arrow to your string, otherwise, might as well shoot yourself in the foot. Its just not something that’ll work, at least not in any worthwhile way, without having that science for reliably combining feathercrafted fletchings in known ways, to act as a known quantity on the magical output.

So, guess I’ll have to admit defeat.

Orrrrrrrr, I’ll just have to invent that myself!

Ding ding ding, the roar of the crowds have it, the decision has been made, option two is the clear winner!

*****

Endless months, feathers, arrows and “you look so dumb right now, haha I love it”s from West later.....the secret to this still eludes me.

Whatever. I’m not bitter about it. I’m not.

I’ve figured a lot else out in the meanwhile, anyway, and I’m getting the hang of tricks no other archer I know of has even imagined. That I mean, I know of, anyway. Maybe they exist. Who cares, I’m still at the cutting edge of my field here is the point.

So, the mixing and matching of feathercraftings from two different Regents who aren’t in opposition, and thus whose magic can only add to each others.....

Turns out, there’s a lot more to even just that, than I ever imagined.

Looking back through the notes that were definitely a good idea to keep even if they’d probably be a more useful idea if I learned to remember to add to them more often, I see at one point I was about to expand upon what happens when you have three feathercraftings of all different types combined in one arrow. Well, as I said then, that’s not really a new idea either, so most everyone already knows how that works. As long as none of the three are from opposing Regents, they each by default seem to exert the same magical influence on the arrow, whether in flight or upon impact depending on the nature of each feather and their magic.

Say you take a dove feathercrafting, and an owl, and a seagull.....the seagull’s magic is naturally predisposed to arrow flight, being that of the regent of distance - unless there’s some way to tweak or delay the activation of its magic to ensure it doesn’t release until impact, and thus ensures it’s magic will actually be spent in some way upon its target, though not sure what you’d be looking to do to a target with distance magic, still, food for thought maybe, hmmm -

Where was I? Oh right. So the seagull feathercrafting is by default inclined to exert itself on an object in motion - such as the arrow in flight - and enhance the distance it travels. The dove feathercrafting, by contrast, is inclined to exert itself upon impact, with most dove-crafted arrows being termed things like ‘shockers’ by morons such as West, who are way too responsible for way too many of our colloquialisms in society, something really should be done about that, but delivering electrical shocks upon impact, channeling electricity in some way....or as people in past centuries often termed it, channeling lightning.

But I mean, you never know.....more than one place has a legend or story of arrows that ‘call the lightning’ and while a lot of people just tend to assume that was their ‘uneducated’ way of describing the electricity-generating properties of a dove-crafted arrow shocking someone it struck....given what we know these days about so-called electromagnetism, and the relationship between electricity - even in the form of lightning - and magnetism, specifically magnetic metals and alloys.....what if those stories weren’t just talking about your basic ‘shocker’ arrows at all? Imagine a battle that was say, taking place during a storm, and a dove-crafted arrow that upon impact didn’t just release an electric jolt of its own into its target....but rather acted as a kind of superconductor that was basically like a magical lightning rod, calling the next lightning bolt to zero in on it specifically? Now that’s what I would call ‘calling the lightning.’

Note to self: experiment with this immediately. Enlist West’s help, but do not tell him why. Need to know information only.

Y’know, Donna’s always saying that us humans of this world - as opposed to wherever the hell it is Themyscirans and Atlanteans come from - have forgotten more than we know. I really should remember to ask her what exactly she means by that one of these days, instead of just staring at her without blinking cuz she’s doing things like talking and gesturing and I mean....have you seen her? The way she just....talks and gestures....look you would get distracted too, notes, is all I’m saying, and don’t say I don’t know that cuz I do know that because you’re me.

Aaaaand I’m officially talking to myself. Great. Awesome.

Getting back to my point, heroically, and with effort that should be applauded, take heed legions of future fans......so as stated, the sea gull crafting is predisposed to exert itself upon an arrow’s flight, while the dove crafting defaults to exerting itself upon impact. The owl crafting, as most already know, is similarly predisposed to exert itself upon flight. With most owl-crafted arrows being termed ‘silencers’ and used to strike a target without warning, as the sound of the arrow’s flight is nullified by the silencing magic of owl feathers.

But does that have to be the case? What if - I can’t help but circle back to that idea of shaping a feathercrafting to almost time-release its magic - just saying, imagine if you could design an arrow with owl feathercraftings that don’t just silence the arrow in flight....but also create a silencing bubble upon impact, with their magic ensuring that the target makes no noise when your arrow hits home, even if you weren’t aiming for a kill-shot to the throat, say, but rather an immobilizing shot to a limb or appendage that wouldn’t in and of itself stop them from screaming or shouting?

Ugh, there’s got to be a way to do that, a trick to it somehow. There just has to be because....okay, yes, I know, its magic, I suppose it doesn’t have to do anything but just exist, but....I’m telling you, me, posterity, whatever.....there’s something to this, this is a question of how that just needs an answer, and the answer is me, that’s who, fuckers!

Look, obviously I meant to say this is a question of who’s going to be the one to figure out the secret, don’t be such a self-deprecating pedant, self. Nobody likes those.

Anyway, so the combination of sea gull, owl and dove fletchings is such that you’ll get an arrow that’s silent in flight, covers a magically extended amount of ground, and delivers an electrical shock upon impact.

Unless there’s a way to change whether crafted fletchings of certain types must always expended their magic in flight versus be delayed and only released upon impact.

Great, now I have to figure that one all out for myself too, since no one else seems to want to do the hard work. I better have the kind of genius that’s actually appreciated during my own time rather than post-humously, is all I’m saying.

Oh yeah, and also, so the ummm, thing about what happens when you combined just two different feather-craftings in specific, in an arrow with three fletchings. Ie that thing I never got around to detailing before and was thus what I was going to detail now this time but that I obviously did not do this and oh look, Garth is calling us all for supper and I have to go before Wally poisons mine, you understand. Next time. I’ll get to it for sure next time. Which will be uh....later this week, probably.

*****

So that was a whole fucking year ago, huh? Don’t hate me, future fans, I was busy saving the world with my friends, Dick lost his Robin regency and moped about it even though he was the Owl Regent then almost immediately and just didn’t fucking tell anyone for two months which what even is that about, I would like to know, except then it turned out well no, I wouldn’t like to know as actually that was mostly just him angsting about some deep dark family history of his with this secret society of Owl Regent worshippers or whatever in Gotham and like, can I just say, with emphasis, fuck Gotham and everything to ever come out of that place except for Dinah, who is amazing obviously, and thus too good for Ollie, also obviously, even if he’s not actually being the worst currently and we actually had a decent(ish) conversation the other day, and oh yeah. The Cult of Owl-Worshippers or whatever, so right, those are a thing, and they suck, and we had to team up with Dick’s replacement Robin Regent, who I of course was inclined to hate on principle, except he’s actually an adorable little shit that I gotta say will probably make a damn good Robin. Anyway, so that was a whole thing that took forever and a day, and then cheering Dick up and helping him adjust to his new station or whatever also took time, but was definitely worth it for reasons that are many and complicated and have nothing to do with me being like “in love with him or whatever” so just shut up, you have no idea what you’re talking about and you sound just like West.

Anyway. Moving on.

Right, so back to the whole thing about what if you have an arrow with three feathers and feathercraftings of two different types - hah! So turns out, its a good fucking thing I waited to tackle this topic, as I accidentally unearthed a whole shitload of new insights and approaches here over this past year, so. Y’know. Yeah. I definitely took my time getting back to that with reasons. That were deliberate, and well thought out, and also totally real things that exist.

So.

Imagine you have one arrow. Its got three fletchings. Two of them are feather-craftings of one type, with the third being of a different type. Now conventional wisdom previously would have you believe that the end result of this combination would prioritize one Regent’s magic over the other, but it being completely random which magic would be the one emphasized and either modified or amplified by the other....and with it making no difference whatsoever what feathers were used, which one was used as the stabilizer fletching, etc. The arrow that resulted from the combination of two different magics would be a combination of those two magics, certainly, but beyond that, its just down to the whims of Mother Sky.

Except, I have discovered, through thorough experimentation and keen insights and intuition and also intellect, hi, yes, I have all three, who is so sexy, yes that is me....

That this is not true.

Or at least, I don’t think it is.

I’m pretty sure, anyway.

Look, the takeaway is that far be it from me to pretend to know the mind of a goddess, I mean, I’m not trying to sound egotistical or anything, but I’m starting to be of the suspicion that Mother Sky is a lot less whimsical than the stories would have us believe. And that there is actually a pretty precise method to her madness, and it just lies in having a better understanding of the Deck than we actually do. But the answers are there! They just need. Insights. Delivered by the likes of yours truly.

So. Let’s get insightful.

The one constant with this two-to-one combination type of arrow, is that either the one feather will modify the magic of the other two, or the two feathers will amplify the magic of the one feather. But which results is not actually random at all, I don’t think, but rather, has to do with where the feathers and their corresponding Regents fall within the Deck.

As legends tell it, there is a definite order to the Deck, though different cultures and civilizations have had differing ideas over the millennia as to what that precise order is. But the idea is always the same: in the beginning, there was Mother Sky, who existed in a place that was not a place, as it was before places existed because she’d yet to invent them, basically. But then from nothing, she created her companions, the birds that embodied or contained within them or just inspired the various pieces of creation and fundamental forces, depending on which version of the story you go with. And when she was done, she created people, and then before she left to create elsewhere, she turned her companions into people as well, the first Regents, to watch over her creation in her stead, via the pieces of her own power she entrusted them with.

But the point being, she built the Deck - and creation - piece by piece, rather than all at once. And everything either built upon what came before it - acting as a modifier, you might say, if you were brilliant, and/or me - or else it amplified what came after it. Because creation got more and more complex the further she went with it, and so the ways the previous pieces existed and interacted with each other and later additions, got more and more intricate and complex.

See where I’m going with this?

Its okay. I’ll elaborate. I don’t mind.

So everyone agrees that the Sparrow is the first card in the Deck, that’s a given. No one disputes the order of the first full talon, the set of four complete Regents that make a whole. First there was nothing, and then Mother Sky called into being the first sparrow, and with it came space, so that the first thing that was not her had somewhere to exist. Like, she may not have needed existence in order to exist, but she was a goddess, they can do that I guess. Everything else? Existence required. So in order for her to have her first companion, that necessitated also creating at the same time the first piece of existence, so that something could exist outside of just her. And then from there, she created the seagull and more space, so it could exist too, and then she sent it forth to go as far and wide as it wanted to and thus created more space everywhere it went. And that’s why the sparrow and the seagull are less space and more space, the reduction and propagation side of the same thing, but you’re gonna want to pay attention in a second because I have an insight here that you won’t find most anywhere else, and it is stunning if I do say so myself.

But first, let’s continue. So after space, Mother Sky next created time. Calling first into being the hummingbird, the eventual Regent of joy and vitality, the encapsulation of time in an instant, existing with no need for anything beyond just that....and then to create more of it anyway, she created the crane, the eventual Regent of permanence and longevity.

And then, most agree, she created the magpie and with it, things, and then the kingfisher and with it, more things. The regents or forces embodying quantity. And then came entropy, or “things change.” First with the robin, and then things change more, with the vulture.

Now, let’s get insightful. As I was saying, conventional wisdom, that conniving old coot, would have you believe that the opposing Regents act as negating influences on each other. That they cancel each other out. Why? Different theories. Most popular ones being that it was to keep each other in check, so that none would get too powerful and thus imbalance all of creation, or try to usurp it and rule it in her stead.

I have come to believe, however, that this is hogwash. Perhaps even complete balderdash. Why would she need to? We also all agree that the reason Regents come and go is because periodically and at her whim, she takes back her power from one and gives it to someone else. So....who needs proxies to act to keep other proxies in check....when she herself can simply just....take back that power at any time, if she’s for any reason displeased at how a Regent is wielding it?

So I suspect the truth is not so complex, or rather, that there’s no complexity here at all. Its exactly as stated in every version of our creation myth.....these opposing Regents, while they may be in opposition, are not actually meant to cancel each other out or negate each other....something none of them actually do. No, they’re just the dual forces of each aspect of creation. The opposite sides of a spectrum that simply represent that each exist along a spectrum.

Granted, most theologians don’t have Dick Grayson for a best friend, so let’s not be too hard on them. But having witnessed him up close and in action since pretty much his first day as the Robin Regent, I can assure everyone: he has always been just as much a force of entropy as any Vulture Regent. And that’s why similarly, the Magpie Regent exists as one of the two regents of quantity, even though its magic makes less of things, it takes things away.

But the one thing it never does, is make no things.

Think about it. Unless I’m missing some legend somewhere, nowhere in history has a Magpie Regent or its magic ever resulted in something being just...completely nonexistent. Same with the Sparrow. It reduces distance, space, consumes it magically, eats it up, whatever...but it doesn’t ever result in the complete non-existence of space.

We refer to there being a reduction and a propagation side to each Regent and their corresponding force....but reduction simply means to reduce. Nowhere does it say “all the way to zero.” Instead, I believe, the point of the various reduction regents and forces is that they push creation back along the spectrum more towards their side of things.....where they exist as the only unit of that particular force or aspect....but they still very much do exist. The Magpie might reset things back to one, emblematic of when it and what it represented was the only ‘thing’ that existed other than the goddess and her other Regents, the first unit of quantity rather than a time/space continuum full of possibility but nothing more finite or existant than that. But it’ll never - can never - push things past just that unit of one. It can’t negate something out of existence entirely. That’s a power only Mother Sky has, and that she’s never delegated to anyone else.

And that, I believe, is why whether feathercraftings act upon one another to modify or amplify each other, is not random at all, but just has to do with where they fall in the Deck, in relation to each other. When you view the Deck as being about opposing forces contained within spectrums, rather than negating forces existing outside of spectrums, it makes sense - just like the creation myths all talk of her building upon creation and adding to it, widening it, making more....of course magic isn’t going to be about undoing all of her hard work, but rather just more of the same.

And thus, lower-Deck cards will always exert themselves upon higher-Deck cards, and not the other way around....because all of creation is geared towards making the most of its upper reaches as it builds and builds upon itself.

Creation reaches upwards, as if to the sky, is what I’m saying. This just is sometimes more obvious than at other times.

So take a sparrow-crafting and two hummingbird-craftings, as an example.

Its not actually random, or about which you use two feathers of and which only one: the sparrowcrafting or craftings will always act upon the hummingbird, and never the other way around. Additionally, you’ll see what appears to be the same result either way, but this is because of the close connection between time and space. They’re part of the same talon, the same hand of four. They exist upon the same continuum. Either way, you result in an arrow that seems to cross a short amount of distance much more rapidly than it otherwise would.

And what actually results is the sparrow’s magic acts upon the hummingbird’s magic....so that how much space is consumed in relationship to the hummingbird’s rapid-rate of time....that’s what goes up.

So what the extra feather decides, really, is which magic gets two parts magic for the one part magic brought to the equation by the other feather. It just really makes no particular difference in this specific instance, due to them all still being on the same specific continuum. If you have two sparrow feathers for one hummingbird feather.....you’re essentially requisitioning two times a magical rate of distance to be consumed in correlation to the speed-up effect brought on by the hummingbird crafting. Ergo....an arrow that crosses a short amount of distance far more quickly than otherwise possible. Now reverse that, and use one sparrow crafting accompanying two hummingbirdcraftings....what you’ve done here is requisitioned two times a magical rate of time to be consumed in correlation with the space-consuming distance magic of the sparrow crafting....thus resulting in....an arrow that crosses a short amount of distance far more quickly than otherwise possible. Not just different perspectives of the same phenomenon....but the same phenomenon resulting from different manipulations of the same forces....and all those forces being closely linked enough to make the precise nature of what’s happening seem less distinct than it actually is.

Now let’s progress to combining two craftings from different hands, to make the differences more distinct.

Take here, for instance, a combination of swan and crane. Now you might be surprised, legions of future fans, as swan-craftings are rarely used as fletchings. Due to there being little use for arrows that make things float upon impact. But this is only true of people who don’t have housemates who frequently yell at you for experimenting with arrows that do things other than just make something float harmlessly. And there’s not much harm that can result in using pillows for target practice even if the pillows then just float aimlessly for various periods of time afterward.

Who knew annoying housemates could have such a beneficial impact upon science? Yes, even a West may have a purpose. Its true. What a strange and wonderful world we live in.

Anyway.

So after much experimentation, and even more experimentation to replicate the results reliably....I can safely confirm that regardless of how you combine the craftings, the swan magic will always be prioritized, with the lower-Deck magic, that of the crane, acting as the modifier upon it. Meaning one way or another, what results is the effects of the swan’s levitation magic being extended by the crane’s longevity magic.

The only thing that changes, results from whether its two crane feathers used, or two swan feathers. Here’s where two parts magic for one part....other magic, I guess....comes into play:

If its two cranecraftings per one swancrafting, the cranecrafting will still modify the swan, and what will actually be amplified, the magic you get more of, is that the rate of the cranecrafting’s modification of the swancrafting. Basically, the result you’ll see is the target floating due to the swan magic, but for longer than would normally happen, as the crane crafting extends the duration of the swan magic’s effects.....and with the second crane crafting essentially doubling the time-extending effects.

In comparison, if you go with two parts swan for one part crane, the cranecrafting again modifies the swan, but for a shorter period of time, as what’s actually amplified here is the swan magic. The amount the arrow can levitate upon impact, the weight of the target struck, that’s what’s doubled, with the overall effect simply magically extended by one unit of magical time modification.

Now this opens up a ton of possibilities all on its own, but it did seem to sound the death knell for my time release magic arrow idea.....or so I thought....until insight once again struck like divine inspiration. Which seems to masquerade as sleep deprivation an awful lot. But as I said, who am I to understand the ways of a goddess? Ah well.

So, its no surprise this didn’t occur to me earlier, as the archer in me balks at the very thought....but what about combining hummingbird and cranecraftings with a third? Hummingbirdcraftings have been used for centuries as crossbow bolts, if you’re working with a small enough one, and its been proven possible that while not advisable from a purely physics-prioritizing standpoint to shorn the feathers of much larger birds to small enough sizes that they can be utilized as fletchings on the very same, very small crossbow bolts.....but the combination of magics that unleashes has proven worth it on some occasions. Still, I don’t think anyone has ever tried utilizing both a crane and a hummingbird-crafting on the same crossbow bolt...but that’s largely because nobody sees much point in calling upon the magic of two Regents thought to cancel each other out.

But if its not actually in their nature to cancel each other out entirely, but rather at most to be mitigating factors or influences.....and if my theory about feathers always modifying the magic of higher Deck cards, never lower, is correct, as it clearly is for I am brilliant and also sexy, don’t forget that last part, its critical.....

Then cranecraftings, as low in the Deck as they stem from, still can be modified by three specific craftings themselves: those of sparrows and sea gulls....and also hummingbirds.

Which means, it might be possible to create a crossbow bolt with a combination of one cranecrafting, one hummingbird, and one other.....where the hummingbird acts as a mitigating agent upon the cranecrafting, before the latter acts upon the third. Basically, if I can crack the secret to definitively quantifying or measuring the magic of each crafting, down to a decimal point, and thus deal in fractions of a whole crafting rather than just units of one.....then I could mix and match hummingbird-craftings with cranecraftings that are measured to have more magic than the former. Which if my theory is right, would mean that the hummingbird and cranecraftings would essentially ‘cancel each other out’ but only until the hummingbird’s magic was fully consumed.....but the cranecrafting still having some magic left in it that only then at that point, once no longer held in check, would act upon a third feather. And thus resulting in the time release phenomenon I’m aiming for.

Look, its possible, and I will figure out how to make it happen, or my name isn’t Roy “Look how awesome my butt is” Harper.

Will look into this and report back.

****

Still have not cracked that secret. Still not allowed to use West for target practice. Still not saying these two things are in any way linked, just putting that out there.

I keep telling the rest of them its for science, but do they care? Noooo. Ugh. Barbarians. If this was ten thousand years ago and it were up to them, we would never master the tool that is fire, all because they’d never let me set the tool that is Wally on fire to demonstrate how useful fire can be.

Why do they hate progress? I just wanna know.

****

Still working on that time release magic thing. Still being thwarted. Revolutionizing archery by way of magic is hard. Why did nobody warn me that was a thing?

But you know what else is a thing? Physics! Its a wonderful, wonderful thing.

Obviously I already knew about physics, hello, but I didn’t know so much about physics until Dick wandered home with a new best friend named Victor Stone. He does that an awful lot. He swears its not a Regent thing, but I think its definitely a Regent thing. None of the rest of us seem to manifest magical friend-summoning fields that call weirdly attractive and also nice and also knowledgeable friends to flock to them like they’re some kind of magnetic north. Which is a physics thing, that my new friend Victor Stone taught me.

I’m just saying, I go out to get dinner for the bunch of us, all I come home with is dinner. Dick goes out to do the same, and he comes home with first an Atlantean, then a Themysciran, and then a Wally, and still no dinner. And even West, for all his.....West-ness, is descended from a hummingbird Regent and thus possessed of innate magic coloring his personal association with time, so he’s not totally useless even if he does a great impersonation of useless ninety percent of the time. And thus doesn’t exactly disprove what I’m getting at here.

One of these days, he’s gonna wander in like “hey everyone, come meet my new best friend, she seems completely normal and boring but that just means she’s probably Mother Sky herself in disguise for some absurd reason. Nothing about this has anything to do with me or how sexy my stupid face is.”

And shut up, that still doesn’t mean I’m in love with him, I just have eyes and I use them, that’s it.

Anyway, this time Dick brought home my new best friend who is Vic and thus I shall magnanimously let it go and not make a big deal out of it, for reasons that as you can see, have nothing to do with anyone’s face, no matter how stupidly sexy it might be.

So! Physics!

Most of it seems to be just unnecessarily complicated ways of saying things everybody already knows, so, basically what I always claimed it was despite baselessly having no real way of knowing this. Hah! Validation to me.

But some of it happens to be ways of saying things that might already be known, but are here put forth in ways they aren’t usually spoken of or pictured as, and thus spark new thoughts and ideas. And thus there does appear to be some merit to some of it, which is not validating in and of itself, but is inspiring, so I’m calling it a lateral move and counting it as still being a point for me.

(Look I may not know how or why or when, but one day, these points will come in handy and mean something, I just know it.)

Anyway, so there I was with my new friend Vic discussing abstracts theories of physics like the learned intellectuals that we are, just us, nobody else, shut up Garth, go eat a fish, nobody asked you.....

When Vic says something about force equaling velocity times mass. And I sat up and said wait, what was that thing you were saying a minute ago about velocity equaling.....and Vic says velocity equals distance over time? And I snap my fingers and go that’s it, that’s the very one. Vic, you beautiful balding genius, you’ve done it again!

Wait, what have I done again, Vic asks, and also how, we’ve literally only known each other twelve hours, and I explain to him all about my uncanny intuition and valid predictions of the future meaning that this is obviously just the first of many fruitful collaborations and thus totally counts, all while I busily make sketches and do math.

Because its occurred to me, see, that for centuries archers have used distance magics to shorten or extend the amount of space an arrow covers in flight, for a variety of purposes that still ultimately just revolve around accuracy or distance simply as an obstacle to be overcome.....but what if distance is treated not as the focal point for which an arrow is feathercrafted, but rather simply a means to an end that otherwise has aims other than just crossing distance?

Basically, as I explained while setting up a target of considerable durability and a small crossbow bolt fletched just with sparrow-craftings....what if distance magic is utilized not for the distance, but solely to magnify the force that results from how much - or how little - a distance it crosses over time?

And then from thirty paces away, I smashed a tiny crossbow bolt through the target with as much force as if I had fired that same bolt from a mere two paces away. The boom was quite satisfying. Also the validation. Again, that’s always just nice.

And then I modified another crossbow bolt with a mix of sparrow and hummingbird to increase that rate of velocity even further, and I did it again, to an even bigger boom.

Which means, notes and future fans alike, I may not have quite cracked the code of fractional but reliable increments of magical implementation just yet, but I now have more material to work with....because as I already suspected due to my awareness of their link via continuum, but hadn’t quite yet put a specific named connection to myself, distance over time equaling not just velocity but the key to time-lapsed magical effects means its not just hummingbird and crane feathers that could make all the difference there, but also sea gull and sparrow.

Force multipliers, Vic named our breakthrough. Or said was already the name for them. Hard to say, my ears were still ringing, but I err on the side of whichever gives us credit.

Either way, its a great name.

******

Vic and I have been experimenting with triple-compounding the effects of three different feathercrafted fletchings per arrow. Or tri-parting as I’ve been calling it. Try-harding, Dick calls that. I kicked him out of the workshop after that. I will not be disrespected within my own personal space like that, not even by his stupid sexy face. Besides, I can still see it well enough from through the window, so its fine.

Anyway, the triple threat combinations. At the base of it all lies a lot of trial and error with different manipulations of time and space, ie our force multipliers. So first, we started working with just those, to see what else we might be missing or overlooking in regards to these base-layer feathers that have had all kinds of other uses just lurking right under peoples’ noses for millennia.

Its not like they aren’t used for plenty already, of course. Take hummingbird-fletched crossbow bolts for starters. Plenty of archers throughout civilization have utilized them in conjunction with bolts tipped in different sedatives or poisons. Shoot a bolt at someone from close enough away that its magic isn’t consumed entirely in flight, and the temporal acceleration effects of the hummingbird magic then exert themselves upon the next nearest thing....the poison or sedative coating the bolt, which from there spread through the bloodstream of the person it impacts....now at a magically expedited rate of time. Similarly, plenty of assassins have used bolts or arrows coated in poison and fletched with crane.....to extend the effects of poison and whatnot upon the person shot with one.

Same thing with combinations of two types of craftings, both of which are known to default to exerting themselves on the same thing: arrow’s flight or arrow’s impact. Obviously we’re not reinventing the wheel with something like combining crane and canary, with both magics working in conjunction on the same things at the same time.....thus extending both the flight and the magical effect in-flight of a canary crafting’s ear-splitting shriek.

So its not as though we were expecting to uncover a lot more along the way to what we were really looking to explore, just us doing our due diligence until that point. And in no way were we delaying our experimentation out of nervousness that this wasn’t the long-sought next step in my lifelong pursuit of Science-Magic: The Roy Harper Way, and worrying that this theory like so many others would simply fizzle into failure. No. Don’t be dumb. That absolutely wasn’t a thing here.

So was the real hold-up all along just us stalling and killing time until Donna left on mysterious Themysciran missions because the night before she’d looked at us theorizing excitedly and decided to douse that flame by sighing and saying, ‘you’re going to blow up the house’? To which we naturally replied ‘don’t be daft, we’re not going to blow up the house.’ And to which she replied ‘oh yeah, you’re totally going to blow up the house’? Were we basically just tarrying and occupying ourselves with lesser experiments of no real value until she was gone like the ill omen she insists on being and that we simply refuse to see proven right? At least not when she’s around to witness it?

Right, so...yes. It was definitely that last one. That was literally the entire reason.

Look, if you’d ever had Donna sighing and despairingly shaking her head while listing totally understandable reasons why you shouldn’t do the thing that you were still going to do regardless because well, duh, you had to, obviously.......you’d understand.

The point being, the second she was out the door we quit wasting time with that load of crap, and brought out the real toys. Or....test subject....thingies ...prototypes! That’s it, that’s the word.

So first off, we started with the combination hummingbird plus sparrow plus shrike feather craftings. Shrikes, of course, being the magic of bindings and battles, and with the Shrike Regent being Boone, some sort of love-hate friend-nemesis of Dick’s past that he refused to ever elaborate on, no matter how much ranting he did on the subject of the man when he came up even tangentially. This of course, was our first real mistake. This was about the time when I kicked Dick out of the workshop, the timing here being a total coincidence, even if I did happen to mutter in passing that if he love-hates the guy so much he should just marry him already. Or kill him. Whichever. Preferably the killing thing though.

Unfortunately, adding insult to injury, or potentially injury to West if he interrupted us one more time, the shrike combos were getting us nowhere. Like the true friend he is, and sensing my dwindling mood and also its corresponding effects on West’s future, Vic suggested we switch gears and try combining just time-craftings with dove and something else.

Which is what brought us to the hummingbird-dove-kingfisher combo, and our first real success.

You see, as I’ve mentioned before, tanager-fletched arrows aren’t anything new....they’ve been used as incendiaries for thousands of years....but the why of it, with Vic’s additional physics insight, brought up some interesting theories. Same with the way dove-fletched arrows had been used for their electrifying properties for ages.

The reason dove-fletched arrows carry the properties they do, as he explained it, is that by channeling the electromagnetic force embodied by the Dove Regent - specifically, the propagation or amplifying side of that spectrum - its like the arrowhead becomes a magnet drawing electrical impulses to it out of the air it passes through. The whole atmosphere contains what he calls ionized particles, which is not apparently, the same thing as baby lightning. Even if its really just the potential for lightning, and thus totally fits in my opinion. But what our eyes perceive as simply an arrow slicing through empty air, in terms both scientific and magical, in another sense the arrow is swimming through a sea of ionized potential, collecting some of that to itself along the way, and delivering the totality of that through its arrowhead upon point of impact.

What tanager-fletched arrows do is apparently not hugely different in theory, even if it does tap into different physical properties. Essentially, tanager feathers, embodying the amplifying side of the thermodynamics spectrum, act upon the combustibility of oxygen, which is all around us in the air we breathe. Oh, also, the air is just fire waiting for a big enough match, apparently. That was good to know. So again, two different forces, two different kinds of particles which are not the same thing as molecules except when they are, and actually, what happens when dove arrows do what they do is only a little bit like what happens when tanager arrows do what they do, but still mostly not at all the same, even if they do happen to sound totally the same but whatever Victor....anyway, the point is physics is great and useful but also at the same time totally confusing and annoying, but what happens when you combine all this information with my contribution that is the keen scientific observation that the lower in the Deck will always act upon the higher in the Deck?

Something actually useful, not that I’m trying to rub it in or anything.

But the way I understood it, if the combustibility of a tanager arrow comes from how much and how combustible the oxygen it draws to it is, upon striking a target and delivering the additional magical spark of a tanager-crafting....and if the electrical impact that results from a dove arrow comes from the nature of a dove arrow to draw enough particles to it in abundance, with the combination of tanager and dove meaning its the latter that will exert itself on the former....the end result is you’re going to get a super-combustible arrow, instead of merely a combustible one.

And the drawback of an incendiary arrow, as any archer knows, is that it can only do so much. Firing an arrow that will burst into flame upon impact is all well and good....but if the place of impact is largely wet and incombustible, that first flicker is still going to die out before ever becoming more. But if that first burst is more than just a mere flicker....and if its immediately fanned and fed and magically fueled by say, the existence of a third crafted fletching, that of a kingfisher, whose magic by nature creates more.....

Well, apparently muddy beaches go up quite nicely when lit by an arrow of this variety. Particularly if you then follow it up by a swift volley of kingfisher arrows aimed purely at magnifying the resulting fire itself.

I might have gotten a bit carried away with the fire-lit cackling with which I celebrated our success, but on the other hand, I made West wet his pants, so. Worth it.

*******

Bit of a rough-weather atmosphere in our house this past week, as apparently the rocks I set on fire with our little tanager-fletching experiments happened to be Garth’s favorite rocks, and he’s a bit perturbed with me as a result. Nobody seems to care, no matter how often I point it out, that its just weird to have favorite rocks, and who even does that, because Garth that’s who and I guess I was supposed to somehow just....know this?

Anyway, it was ‘advised’ emphasis on my skeptical assessment of that last word there, that I avoid fire in my experiments for the time being. Which is fine by me.

On to....magical ice arrows!

Now ice isn’t a force, its not a thing that you can make more of like fire, as I explained to Dick and Wally earlier. Its the reduction side of thermodynamics, the less than....essentially, you don’t so much make ice as you do...remove heat. Thus a tern-fletched arrow isn’t really a frost arrow, its more accurately, a heat sink.

They didn’t need to know that it was basically Vic that explained it all that way to me about an hour or so earlier. Besides, the heat sink bit was all my addition, and that was the really important part, clearly.

What was mostly of interest to me here, was its prospects in magically replicating what happens when you get metal cold enough, fast enough. Which brought me to the hummingbird-tern feather crossbow bolt combo, two parts tern feathers and only one hummingbird feather as a modifier. What I was after was double the heat-sink properties of tern magic, sped up by a hummingbird-crafting.

It mostly worked.

The tern feathers drew in heat well enough, and the hummingbird-crafting sped up the process enough that more cracks would have spread through the metal the bolt was embedded in....if the bolt had.....actually embedded itself into the metal. I’m pretty sure, anyway.

It was the damn force side of the equation that was still getting in my way. Even when I did get a bolt to sink home in something that was already brittle enough to lodge into even if it couldn’t penetrate all the way through on its own, the force still was lacking without magical amplification. But there was no fletching I could add to magically modify the force of the bolt itself that wouldn’t also exert itself elsewhere, even upon just the hummingbird feather. I even tried adding a sea-gull feather and then firing the bolt from merely a foot away, trying to maximize the force without using up the distance modifier during actual flight time, and that was the biggest find of the day and it was a total accident as I realized two seconds after firing it that I was supposed to be trying to amplify the force by reducing the distance, and thus I meant to use a sparrow fletching, not a sea gull!

But then what actually happened is my crossbow bolt embedded itself and ended up magically making enough more space for me to follow up with two more bolts, and then the combination of multiple bolts all drawing heat from around them at a magically enhanced rate led to the whole thing growing brittle with cracks all the way through it, which.....was not at all what I was going for but was still useful to know, so, I’m calling it a win. It counts.

Look, it just does, okay? You’re my notes, I’m not supposed to feel judged by you. You’re doing this all wrong.

******

Dick brought home a new friend today, named Kory. She seemed like a perfectly, nice ordinary girl at first glance. Then she took off an illusion-casting crow mask and revealed she’s actually a seven foot tall, golden skinned, ‘battle priestess of X’Hal,’ whatever that means, but the rest of all that sounds about normal.

Oh and also, what that means apparently is she’s from a whole other world and she voyaged here in a ship that apparently travels between stars which is a thing that can happen, and also she has green-glowing eyes but that’s just because she can make magic green fire that can burn through anything, no big deal. Also, she can fly. Also, also, did I mention she’s a princess? Because duh, of course she’s a princess, why wouldn’t she be a princess, haha you sound so dumb right now.

Dick’s eyes glazed over and he stopped paying attention at “she can fly.” Not that I noticed. Or cared.

Anyway, apparently ships that can travel between stars being a thing that can happen is not actually the new information that I thought it was, as then Garth tried to insist that he’d totally mentioned that before which umm, lie. I definitely mentioned it before, he said, like a liar, and I think I would have remembered if you had, I said because hello, and then Donna said she and Garth had always been clear about Atlanteans and Themyscirans originally coming from worlds other than this one and okay fine but nobody ever said that involved ships that fly between stars I said. But of course its not like I had anyone to back me up on that because Dick was too busy trying to marry Kory with his eyes which will probably even work because obviously his eyes are very marriage material everyone knows that and West was busy being West so its not like he counts, and in conclusion, all my friends are either aliens and/or assholes. Except for Vic, who did say he’d run away with me and get married, but I’m pretty sure he was just humoring me. He wasn’t even drunk.

Whatever. The big takeaway here is that clearly I am like, this close to unraveling the mysteries of all magic everywhere and that’s why Mother Sky has decided to be mean to me, because she is threatened and also, like. Just mean.

*****

Turns out Kory’s actually a lovely person. So I guess I just can’t have anything, huh?

****

Also none of this still has anything to do with being in love with Dick, which I’m not, because obviously, and Wally’s still wrong about everything, because also obviously. And if he doesn’t shut up, I’m going to make a magical Wally-smiting arrow just for him. I don’t totally know what its going to do yet, but just see if I don’t!

*****

So over dinner last night, Kory was telling us all a bit about Tamaranean magic and how it works and what being a battle-priestess of X’Hal means.

So on her world, its told, their creator goddess X’Hal created everything out of herself, and so is herself in everything. With there being some kind of corresponding connection between the emotional or spiritual side of things, and the physical or material. And Tamaraneans have a periodic table that’s actually all about emotions rather than physical elements, and their magic is called spirit-alchemy and its about manipulating the elements or physical world by being in control of their corresponding emotions?

I don’t think I’m explaining it right. Okay, so basically, the way Kory described it is everything on their world was created by X’Hal, like, feeling a specific thing. From her passion, X’Hal created fire. From her hope, light. From her joy, weightlessness. And all the way up and down the material and elemental plane. So when she refers to the thousand names of X’Hal, its because of the whole “X’Hal” is in everything idea, and thus when speaking of each of those things, one’s also speaking of X’Hal.

But where the magic part of things comes in, is if like Kory, you train from a very young age to be what’s called a priest-adept. Or priestess. You get it. But the idea is all things are part of X’Hal and she’s in all things, and her people, the Tamaraneans, are all like X’Hal....enough so that they can manipulate parts of the world around them, wholly by manipulating the parts of themselves that are...spiritually resonant with those things, I guess.

So with Kory, the reason she can fly, and glow, and create soulfire which is what she calls the green glowing fire she makes that can blast through anything.....all of this derives from her spending most of her lifetime training to have a total mastery of three specific mental and emotional states. The ones that, in reflection of X’Hal, correspond with fire, light and weightlessness. By mastering her passions, broad sense of the word, she manifests soulfire which she creates much like X’Hal created...fire fire. Via her own mastery of and understanding of hope - not totally sure what that all entails, but that’s the connection - she similarly is able to manifest light, and her flight and weightlessness come from her control and knowledge of her own joy, for just...herself, life, everything. The battle-priestess bit is just her own kind of vocational calling rather than a specific group, but her magic only works because her own mastery of self is so extensive that she’s able to find even the joy in battle, the passion in fighting, the hope for victory, that let her still tap into the specific emotions that lend her this magic, even while in the midst of fighting for her life.

Obviously what she’s talking about is easier said than done, and the Tamaranean idea of self-control goes a fair bit deeper than get up and take a lap when someone, not naming names, says something particularly dumb.....but from the sounds of it she’s kind of a big deal back on her homeworld not even for the princess thing so much as for having mastery of three different states, no matter how connected. Like a lot of people spend their whole lives attempting to master just one, and she just happened to be adept level at three already.

I asked if anyone’s ever mastered all thousand, which apparently was a really funny joke, so looks like I’m hilarious in Tamaranean, but seems that’s not really a thing. “We’re like X’Hal,” was how Kory put it. “But only X’Hal can be X’Hal.”

Which does make sense, when you put it like that.

**************

Okay, so I was just picking Kory’s brain about spirit-alchemy a little more, specifically about her super-strength and where that comes from, since I thought joy, passion and hope were her three focuses. Except she didn’t know what I was talking about first, as she said that wasn’t one of her powers. Except I know for a fact that I saw her punch through a solid stone wall once, and said as much, and then she was just oh, that’s just part of my mastery of joy.

Which needed a little more clarification than that, because....what.

Basically though, it sounds like their emotional table is a lot like the spectrums between two opposing Regents throughout our Deck. Like a lot of what they work on mastery of is as much the absence of its opposite side as it is something in and of itself. Apathy is the opposite of passion, the negation of soulfire, but its not something someone seeks to master, so much as its an extension of their mastery of passion. After all, if one summons a form of passion within themselves in order to create soulfire, then by banishing the soulfire, even if just because they no longer have use for it, isn’t that and the emotional equilibrium that results in that....isn’t that effectively apathy? Same thing with hope....just because the goal of mastering that wasn’t to create an absence of light, that doesn’t mean that being able to put out the light she herself creates isn’t still connected to that emotional field and something requiring her awareness of it.

Which brings us to weightlessness. Her flight is a manifestation of joy, even when using it in battle, but utilizing it most effectively, as in changing elevations rapidly and with precision, often requires the inverse just as much as creating weightlessness for herself in the first place. So her control of self has to be so absolute that she can be a thousand feet in the air and then just let herself plummet, carrying with her all the force that entails, and only at a hundred feet in the air summoning her inner joy and using spirit-alchemy to instantly transmute that into the weightlessness that once again keeps her aloft but now at that new, lower elevation.

But the point being.....up until that last split second when she comes out of a dive and re-engages her magical weightlessness.....she and any strike she’s delivering, contain the full force its opposite.

Not at all unlike how you could describe swan and ostrich craftings.

So that’s when Vic and I just looked at each other and yelled: Force multipliers!

Forget time and distance modifiers, its the mass! The key is the mass! The propagation side of gravity even if applied not to go up or down because the gravitational force is only being applied magically, to modify other forces, not the physical mass of the arrow itself! This is it! This is the key!

Our first attempt put a crossbow bolt through an inch of solid steel. Now just waiting on Vic to get back with all the hawk and dove and tern and tanager feathers we have, we’re so close I can taste it!

Ugh, if Dick doesn’t marry this beautiful alien warrior princess, I’ll marry her myself! Or both. I could just marry both of them I guess. I mean, its for science.

Okay, Vic’s here, will report on findings later!

******

So, we accidentally blew up the house. I don’t want to talk about it.

Still think I’m right though. Just needs fine-tuning.

Might wait a bit before I bring that up. No reason. Just seems the sort of thing that can wait until we find a new house.

#by lost ways

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getoffthesoapbox · 7 years ago

Text

[VK/VKM] Meaningful Deaths Spring From Meaningful Lives

I’ve been pondering for a while now about the “pureblood dilemma” of the despair spiral. Purebloods all seem to fixate on death and the idea of death and finding a meaningful death, to the point where they become dangerously destructive toward the wider community around them. I had the opportunity to tackle this topic a bit via an anon ask I received some time ago, but I have more to say on the topic and I want to approach it differently in an official post.

This post isn’t a speculation per se; rather, it’s probably more accurate to call it a collection of my own chaotic thoughts on the matter.

What is a Meaningful Life?

Most people believe meaning is found in happiness, and this appears to be what the purebloods believe as well. The problem with this is that that’s not where meaning is to be found for anyone--most “meaningful” experiences aren’t necessarily happy ones. (An example would be a trying project at work that ends successfully--the experience is meaningful because it helped one grow and expand as a person, but the actual experience was harrowing and tense and full of pressure.)

Chasing happiness is ultimately a pipe dream because happiness is something that happens to you, it’s not something you can create. This is evident even in the purebloods who attain some form of happiness--Haruka and Juri get tired, Kaname admits that sometimes true loves aren’t enough to keep purebloods alive. And if you make happiness your life, what do you do when you’re not happy? Because a time will inevitably come when you are unhappy--even if you never get sick, a friend will, or you’ll lose something dear to you, or a tragedy will befall you. Suffering is an inextricable part of living. Pursuing happiness and pretending suffering away doesn’t alleviate any of the existential burden of suffering.

So how do you live a meaningful life if pursuing happiness isn’t the answer? One way is to simply live your life by trying to avoid or minimize suffering at all costs. We see this very clearly with Isaya’s way of life--he minimizes his desires and tries to stay uncommitted to anything in order to erase any attachment to things or people that might cause him to enter the despair spiral. The problem with this way of life, as we can see from Isaya’s example, is that it is ultimately (as Kaname himself would say) “colorless.” There is no passion in Isaya’s life, no joy, no light. There’s not much suffering either, other than the suffering of living through long, neverending days. He has neither light, nor darkness.

But most people can’t live such a zenlike existence, and even Isaya is searching for a way to die. This is an indication that neither pursuing happiness at all cost nor working to minimize suffering only is enough to give a life meaning.

Another option we have for gaining meaning is one that actually does leave room for both minimizing suffering and “discovering” (or receiving) happiness along the way: purpose.

Purpose, at its core, is what purebloods should be seeking. But most of them get stuck at “pursuit of happiness” or “minimization of suffering.” Only one pureblood as far as I can tell ever found “purpose.” So, let’s figure out what purpose even is. Purpose is actually really simple and it’s very personal, unique, and individual to each person. The simplest way to boil it down is this: to have a purpose is to aim for the highest good you can conceive of and work tirelessly to achieve that good in spite of the obstacles and suffering you will face. Another way to look at this is the idea of “wishing on a star”--aiming for the highest point you can see in the sky and living your life to reach that point.

Now, that may sound very similar to “pursuing happiness” but it’s actually not. Working toward “the good” isn’t necessarily something that will make you happy because it’s not easy. The way you craft a purpose actually requires being willing to bear your suffering and the suffering of others and do what you can to alleviate the suffering within your reach. Purpose begins with the simple acknowledgement of life being suffering, and that no matter which way you turn, you will suffer, so you must pick the path of suffering you think most worthwhile. And how is the worth of the path determined? By the “height” of the ultimate goal you select--and it doesn’t matter what that goal is, as long as it’s something that does the following for you: it makes you feel that all your suffering (that you’re inevitably going to go through) will be worthwhile.

In other words, “purpose” has nothing to do with happiness. Happiness happens incidentally when one is pursuing purpose. The truth of life is that even if you do nothing (as Isaya does), you will suffer. Suffering is the only true fact of life--everything is either some form of suffering, or death. (Even happiness itself or love come with suffering--the converse, the fear of loss, always accompanies happiness.) It’s incumbent upon each person to look at the paths of suffering available to them and select the option that will ultimately do the most good, not just for themselves, but for others as well. In more mythological terms, the point of purpose is the selection of the cross (weight) one will bear in the world (suffer) and WILLINGLY lifting it up and bearing it without complaint.

The longer your lifespan, the bigger your purpose needs to be to accommodate the suffering you’ll encounter (because to live is to suffer). So purebloods have it really hard, because they have to account for eternal suffering. Admittedly, that’s a pretty tough thing to wrap one’s head around, but they do have a few tools available to help them achieve a meaningful life via a purpose. The problem is, only one of them ever figured it out, and she figured it out mostly by accident.

The tools are as follows (in no particular order):

Think of what would be good for you now, 10 years from now, 100 years from now, etc.

Think of what would be good for you and good for your family now, 10 years from now, 100 years from now, etc.

Think of what would be good for you, your family, and your community now, 10 years from now, 100 years from now, etc.

Think of what would be good for you, your family, your community, and the world now, 10 years from now, 100 years from now, etc.

There are actually only a finite number of answers one can come up with using this method, because it does a few interesting things. First, it separates “you” into you, future you, eternal you. Therefore you’re not planning for just “you,” you’re planning for all the “yous” that will ever exist in the future as if they are different and distinct people. But you don’t stop there--once you’ve figured things out for yourself, you look outside yourself to your family, community, and world now, in the future, and into eternity. (Obviously humans would just do now and in the future, but purebloods need the eternity factor.) Then you orient your life around fulfilling the best possible way of living that accounts for every single one of these variables (obviously making adjustments as necessary and as you grow). If purebloods spent more time thinking about this than whining about how unfortunate they are, they’d probably be in better shape.

TL;DR - Purebloods focus on the wrong thing--happiness or minimizing suffering--in their lives. They should be focusing on finding “purpose” to their eternal suffering and steering their lives by the course of that purpose. Purpose should include more than just the pureblood’s own selfish interests--it should include the benefits to their future selves, their families, their friends, their communities, and their world. Only when they find a purpose that accounts for all these facets of their lives and strive willingly to bear the burden of their own suffering without complaint and try their best to alleviate suffering of their own and others’ will they find the meaningful lives they truly seek.

When one has a meaningful life, one does not need a meaningful death nor does one fear death. And when the end does come (whether by the cure, or by sacrifice, or by the sword for purebloods), the meaningful life will produce a meaningful death as a natural byproduct.

Why Purebloods Fail at Living Meaningful Lives

If humanity’s natural state is suffering, with only death to rescue us, how much worse is it for purebloods who can’t even escape the hell of living and have no death to comfort them when they are tired? Pureblood existence is by nature as hellish an existence as one could get--when they’re dissatisfied and nihilistic, they become bloodthirsty monsters like Rido or they can’t even bear the weight of living and take long naps and lose their hope in life like Ouri or Isaya.

Naturally, the purebloods’ obsession turns not to life, but to death, because it is the one thing nature has denied them. The grim reaper wants no pureblood at his side. They’ll have to go through hoops to reach him. Over time since their inception, purebloods must have doe all sorts of things to try to kill themselves--surely they fought wars over it and tried to commit suicide in all manner of ways. Eventually they found at least one option that seemed to work--turning other purebloods into humans via the sacrifice of their lives. And while this is certainly a meaningful death in some sense (giving a loved one the opportunity to live in the light), it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution for the remainder of the purebloods.

Because purebloods are so fixated on eternity and death, they become naval-gazers who can only see their own suffering and fail to see the damage they cause those around them via their destructive temper tantrums. A great example is Kaname in Yuuki’s memory from Night 51--Yuuki is a tiny child sitting with Kaname, and he’s unloading his eternal suffering onto her shoulders and naval-gazing about how sad eternity is. He’s not thinking or caring about the burden he’s placing on her, nor is he taking responsibility for his life--he’s only concerned about his own suffering. This is how purebloods pass on suffering to everyone they know--they don’t know how to serve.

Kaname’s a great example here too. During his ancestor days, he would “help” the villagers--but rather than his help being from his heart and out of a desire to serve the greater good he was looking to create for himself, what he was actually seeking was something as petty as “acceptance.” He was placing the burden of his suffering on the villagers, while at the same time stealing from them behind the scenes. When they (rightfully) became angry at his duplicity, he closed himself off from service (which he’d never truly done to begin with) and began the path of wallowing in his pain and licking his wounds that he continues throughout the remainder of his 10K+ lifespan. Not even the Hooded Woman’s clear example helps him see how he should be living his life.

Complicating the purebloods’ self-centered tendencies is another problem--their charisma. Charismamones mean nobody but other purebloods can be “trusted” because all other beings are “prey” to purebloods and thus are affected by their charismamones. Purebloods cannot have friends among other variants of vampire or human because they can’t know for sure if the bonds are manipulated by their charismamones or not. (This is compounded by master/servant bonding.) However, the reason this is a problem is not actually due to the charismamones--it’s due to the purebloods placing a higher value on themselves than on the ones who are affected by their charismamones. This, again, is something the Hooded Woman is the only one of the purebloods not to do--she never once holds any resentment toward humans or lower vampires for falling for charismamones, nor does she seem to hold any disdain for such bonds. Thus, she doesn’t suffer over it like Kaname, Sara, and the other younger purebloods seem to.

So purebloods have a double punch here on the suffering front--they’re already inclined to be myopically obsessed with themselves and their own immortality and they can’t trust the bonds they form with anyone but other purebloods. On top of this, they become insanely attached to their romantic partners at the expense of all else, which can be a problem (see Shizuka) if that partner is not also a pureblood. These factors all lead to faster despair descents and deep nosedives into nihilism, on top of placing the “burden for happiness” on the shoulders of one person (see what Kaname does to Yuuki--he expects her to fill his world with color for all eternity, a heavy burden to place on anyone).

Fundamentally, purebloods have a misunderstanding of existence and how they should interact with the world because they have so many complexes--they believe themselves superior and inferior simultaneously, they’re obsessed with death and themselves but are also afraid of life and losing their lives, they’re afraid of manufactured bonds but are unable to let go of control, and even when they do form bonds, they’re often with lower level vampires or humans who have finite lifespans and die.

It’s really strange that a philosopher never rose out of the purebloods, though maybe this is because Hino isn’t any good at philosophy. But as far as I can tell, a philosopher might have been of use to the purebloods--someone to help them reorient themselves toward living. Rather than being obsessed with death, they should have become obsessed with life--or, rather, how to live a good life for all eternity in a world full of suffering.

The Pureblood Who Got The Balance Right

The Hooded Woman is definitely the most remarkable of the purebloods. None of the others, not even Yuuki, ever surpass her. She was the first and the last, a symbol of greatness that was lost in time. I often wonder if Kaname was right--he should have been the forge, because the purebloods needed this woman far more than they needed him. Had she lived, perhaps the chaos the purebloods carried with them would have been mitigated.

Still, this is a woman who had her priorities straight. She lived with purpose and did not sit around merely trying to find personal happiness or minimize her own suffering. She chose her goals and aimed for them no matter the cost. In life, she was fearless but also compassionate and had a huge heart--not only did she love humans, but she also loved vampires! Her “high aim” was to find a way for both of them to exist in the world without bloodshed or animosity. Of course, her first solution was to merely gather all the purebloods and sequester them on an island. But this proved difficult because there were obviously purebloods who just wanted to abuse their predator abilities, and she couldn’t convince everyone to join her. The plan had to be abandoned.

But did this woman fall into despair and boo hoo over her fate? No, she merely changed directions and began fighting the purebloods abusing their power. She still continued to face suffering head on and shoulder the burden because she knew she was strong enough to bear it. I love the way she calls her parents fragile, and humans fragile. It shows how much she’s thought about the difference between herself and humans, and also how she values her own strength and ability to carry those fragile beings on her shoulders.

And when the time came to face her death (or let Kaname die), she chose to face death courageously in order to protect everyone and still allow Kaname a chance to find his own purpose in life--a purpose that couldn’t be found in death. She offers her life to the hunters and becomes a weapon for 10,000 years. A tireless, unflagging weapon burning eternally on her own. The only pureblood in history to do so. Even Kaname only burns for 1000 years, and he gets to live again. Only the Hooded Woman saw it through to the end.

Even so, she never once complains. She never once despairs. She carries on with a bold, brazen attitude and an unflagging, unwavering smile. I mean, heck, just look at that smile on her up there in the header image for this post--of all the major “deaths” in this series, only this woman truly lived and died in peace. I doubt she ever regretted a day in her life, unlike everyone else in this series. ;)

Had the purebloods followed her example, instead of burying her in time and forgetting her, how much happier would they all have been? How much better would their world and society have been, if they’d cheerfully carried the world on their shoulders as she did?

Meaningful Deaths Spring From Meaningful Lives

When the Hooded Woman died, she was smiling. When Kaname cast his heart into the forge, he was suffering and in pain. Zero and Yuuki both smile when they die, but clearly they both still have regrets as they go--Zero, because he has to leave Yuuki alone, and Yuuki because she’s lost Zero and failed Kaname.

We haven’t yet seen Kaname’s true death, but I hope he finally achieves what the Hooded Woman wanted for him--a meaningful life which leads to a meaningful death. But he’ll only find that if he can ever find a legitimate purpose for his life, and maybe as a human he can finally discover a purpose worth living 80 or so odd years for.

But even Zero and Yuuki don’t achieve what the Hooded Woman achieved. Neither of them managed to find happiness for eternity. Still, they obviously get much closer to it than Kaname did before Yuuki turned him. We don’t know the road they take yet, or how difficult the suffering is, or how they choose to bear it. All we can say for certain is that Zero and Yuuki had meaningful enough lives that they could smile at the end of them, though clearly they still had some regrets as their smiles aren’t nearly Hooded Woman quality.

Now it’s Kaname’s turn to find purpose and, through purpose, meaning. Whether Hino’s going to show that or not, I don’t know. All I can say is, it’s clear to me these characters need to stop focusing on only themselves and their significant others and start looking at a wider picture in order to find the happiness they seek--which is really just purpose to make life worth living, with happiness as an incidental perk. Only when they find this can they face death without fear--something Yuuki’s clearly still struggling with even now in VKM.

Time will tell, I suppose.

#vampire knight #vampire knight memories

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aion-rsa · 5 years ago

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Star Trek: Discovery Season 3 Episode 6 Review: Scavengers

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This Star Trek: Discovery review contains spoilers.

Star Trek: Discovery Season 3, Episode 6

If you want to understand how Star Trek has evolved as a franchise, look no further than “Scavengers.” The Star Trek: Discovery episode sees its main character, Michael Burnham, disobeying a direct order from her commanding officer (again) in order to go on a rogue mission with Emperor Georgiou to save her, ahem, friend Book and secure a pre-Burn Starfleet black box. It’s the sort of stunt Kirk pulled on the regular (and, yes, this includes Kelvin Kirk), and it’s the kind of stunt Kirk would have been celebrated for it—both within the world of the TV show or film and, more importantly, by the viewer. Here, the context is much more complicated. We viewers are encouraged to understand why Michael did it and to see the goodness of her motivations, while also being encouraged to see how and why Burnham’s actions negatively impacted her crew and could have led to some devastating consequences. Frankly, it’s a radical and deeply interesting subversion of the myth of American individualism, and it’s one that the Star Trek universe is well-equipped to make.

American pop culture has a relative dearth of good stories about institution, especially for a culture currently struggling with the failure of so many and a deep distrust in the ones that remain. Star Trek has, generally, been an outlier to that rule. From the beginning, it has been a story that is not so much interested in depicting a utopian future as it is depicting a future with a utopian institution: the Federation. The world of Star Trek has never been one without its problems. This is a universe that still knows wars, famine, and systemic inequality. But it is also a universe that has an institution that works, one that our heroes are not only a part of, but believe in. Though this is challenged as Trek goes on, especially in a show like Deep Space Nine, it is rarely completely undermined as a possible ideal. In Trek, the dream of an institution that works for the many is not a pipe dream; it’s a pragmatic one.

How does this all relate to Star Trek: Discovery? Well, unlike the first two seasons of this show, Season 3 is deeply interested in exploring this idea of the possibility of a good and functional institution. The Burn may have destroyed what the Federation once was, but it still exists in some form. Much of Season 3’s tension has been the question of whether that pragmatic dream of putting one’s trust, work, and time into this collective organization is a worthwhile one or rather, like so many modern TV series tell us, that believing in something larger than yourself is for suckers.

In “Scavengers,” Michael demonstrates how she has lost patience with that dream. For her, for a no doubt very long year, it was for suckers. The Federation wasn’t coming to save her, so she had to learn how to save herself, and that is a hard habit to break. In that time without her crew of her Federation, Michael did have someone. She had Book and it’s understandable that she wants to save him here. When his life is put in jeopardy, Michael is forced to choose between the status quo she once had (which fostered a belief in the Federation) and the status quo she has been forced to live with for the past year (which fostered a belief that she could only trust herself and Book).

In Michael’s mission into Emerald Chain territory, not only is she trying to find information that she believes will help the entire Federation, but she is also trying to save someone she cares deeply about. Her motives fit well into Federation values, but her actions chafe against them. Part of being part of a collective (no Borg allowed) means making decisions together and, in a hierarchal institution like Starfleet, it means sometimes having to go along with a choice that you think is the wrong one. It’s an experience that a deeply individualistic American culture is not often encouraged to accept as a valuable one. And it’s a part of my culture I have been thinking a lot about during the COVID crisis, as we watch the United States failure to embrace a “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of a few” ethos.

Interestingly, “Scavengers” puts a decent amount of narrative time into looking at why Michael’s choice was perhaps the wrong one, and it’s a thematic thread that picks up on characterization from earlier in the season, and earlier in this series. Since her reunion with the Discovery, Michael has been trying to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to be part of the crew and the Federation, but she only wants to follow the rules when they align with her personal priorities. We saw her go behind Saru’s back in “People of Earth,” planning a rogue mission with Book that relied on Saru blindly trusting her, which he did. But, after this latest stunt, that trust is seriously frayed. Saru can’t rely on Michael and, perhaps, vice versa. If Michael tried the “People of Earth” stunt now, it might go very differently. Saru is smart to recognize how that is a serious problem that needs to be addressed now, when the stakes are relatively low.

Of course the stakes aren’t low emotionally. The weight of how he should respond to Michael’s insubordination obviously weighs heavily on Saru’s shoulders. He goes to Tilly for advice, and she tells him what he needs to hear: Michael’s decision puts the entire crew’s future in the Federation in jeopardy. It must be met with consequence. And it is. In the final, best scene in the episode, we see Saru strip Michael of her first officer duties. It’s the right decision—even Michael thinks so—but that doesn’t make it any easier for Saru to accept. This willingness to lean into the difficult questions is, more than anything else, what makes Saru a good captain.

Interestingly, Vance also rebukes Saru before giving Michael a bigger dressing-down. He thinks Saru should have come to him with Michael’s intel about the black boxes and the opportunity of securing another. Like Michael, Saru has perhaps become somewhat used to not having a commanding officer to check in with. And he really hasn’t been a captain for very long.

Is Vance hiding something about The Burn? Perhaps. Vance continues to dismiss Michael’s valid point that, without solving the mystery of The Burn, the Federation will never be able to properly move on. Vance’s reluctance to invest resources in solving this mystery could simply be a very understandable attempt to prioritize saving lives rather than investing in the long-term health of the Federation as an institution, or it could be that he is trying to hide something ugly about the Federation’s potential role in the disaster. Only time will tell. For now, the crew of the Discovery continues to move forward, with the belief that the dream of the institution is something worth investing in. What a statement.

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Additional thoughts.

If you’re a fan of Big Plot Development, the beginning of Star Trek: Discovery Season 3 was like Grudge-nip. The first three episodes of the season dealt with the major repercussions of Michael and the Discovery, respectively, jumping through time and then, eventually, coming back together—with an additional one-year time-jump for Michael thrown in for good measure. While the fourth episode leaned into the character repercussions of it all, last week saw another major plot development when the Discovery found the 32nd-century version of the Federation. This week’s episode, “Scavengers,” like that other Season 3 outlier “Forget Me Not,” was another episode that was more about moving the chess pieces than taking any pieces. This is the kind of transitionary installment that is all about following up on lingering character moments and minor plot threads, which is not to say that it didn’t have its excellent moments, just that it very much felt like an episode that comes in the middle of the season. I have a feeling that, looking back on “Scavengers,” we will see the many major plot developments it is setting up for the second half of the season.

One of the captains who takes part in Vance’s meeting is an older woman and I know this is not the first time we have seen an older woman in a position of authority in Star Trek or pop culture in general, but it still feels rare enough to both give me a thrill when it happens and to be commented upon.

I can’t help comparing the Discovery this season to the experience of living in a quaranteam. This episode, Michael made a decision to increase the quaranteam’s risk level without getting the pod’s approval. Not cool, Michael. (But also: good job saving lives.)

I am Team Healthy Institution, generally, but working within bureaucracy takes time. Being a lone wolf is definitely faster and more flexible. I do get Michael’s frustrations here.

Do we think Georgiou likes Saru? When Michael asks her to go rogue with her, Georgiou immediately points out how it will screw over Saru, which is kind of cool and unexpected.

Michael “I’d rather regret something I did than something I didn’t” Burnham.

I love how, within weeks of getting captured into this forced labor camp, Book knows like the whole history of the place, including the failed revolutions.

We get an Adira/Stamets plotline this episode that is both sweet and somewhat frustrating. Like, I get that Stamets is being supportive here and I love that, but also life-death does work in a linear fashion in almost all cases. Rather than Star Trek: Discovery having to give queer characters a Get Out of Death Free card, I’d rather they, you know, just not kill them in the first place.

Michael and Georgiou’s rescue mission has got to be one of the most obvious rescue missions in history. This isn’t a critique. I love how big they go here. Georgiou is obviously loving it.

In the great dogs v. cats debate, Star Trek seems to come down on the side of the cats. Porthos aside, from “Catspaw” to Grudge, the cat energy in this show has always been stronger than the dog energy. And I say this as someone who has neither a metaphorical dog nor a literal dog in this fight. (But Tilly doesn’t like cats, which I love for her as a character trait. Just when you think she’s gonna zig, she zags…)

But is there more to Grudge than meets the eye? Almost definitely.

For the record, a cat in a spaceship would probably convince me.

Do we think Linus will ever get a proper storyline? Do we want Linus to get a proper storyline?

Um… I feel like this black box information is something Michael should have already mentioned to Saru. Or is this a symptom of how deep her inability to trust right now goes?

We get more information about the Emerald Chain here, mostly about the character of Osira. While we don’t get to meet her in person, we do meet her meathead nephew. Presumably, this means that she is an Orion and also that she is the worst.

“I love me.” I love you too, Michelle Yeoh.

We don’t get a lot of answers regarding Georgiou’s apparent PTSD here. She seems to be remembering something from her Mirror Universe past, and it was not fun. Is this a result of her conversation with Kovich? Probably. Is it something that will lead to her Section 31-centric spinoff? Most definitely. Read some of our speculation on that here.

“Let me just say, there’s no head injuries…” I love this as a conversation opener.

“We always find each other.” If you were wondering, yes, I am 100% into the Michael/Book thing. Thank you, show, for giving Michael a healthy love interest storyline this time.

Bonus!: We get another “toothbrushing” scene with Stamets and Hugh this episode, which is to say: a scene of them being domestic and sweet together. In general, I am for more domestic scenes for this entire ensemble. After all, the Discovery is not only their workplace but also their home. #relatable

I want bocci on my spaceship.

“One day, we will find the answers we are all looking for.” Yes, Saru is my favorite character. Yes, I am so happy he is getting so much to do this season.

The post Star Trek: Discovery Season 3 Episode 6 Review: Scavengers appeared first on Den of Geek.

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lodessa · 8 years ago

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@icecream-junkie sent me:

Yay, fanfic commentary! Great idea, though I had a hard time choosing a passage from Promotion. If I thought I’d get away with it, I’d just copy pasted the whole story. ;) Anyway, here goes:

“Would you believe I was defending your honor,” he tells her glibly.

“No,” she rolls her eyes, “And my honor doesn’t need you defending it.”

“Of course not,” he slurs with a false exaggeration, “Because you are the model of what a Starfleet officer should look like.”

“Gabriel,” she interjects, “Why did you come here?”

“I miss you,” he tells her and she knows he does, in his own way.

He reaches out and places one hand just below her chin, barely brushing her skin but she lifts it up towards him anyway.

“Are you sure it wasn’t because you want me to make you feel better, about the fight and about not getting that post?”

“I thought you couldn’t be my counselor,” he evades, “You know given our history.”

“And I’m not,” she reminds him softly, “I’m just reminding you I’m here to talk. That is a thing friends do you know.”

“And what if I don’t want to talk,” he replies suggestively, fingertips trailing down her throat. He’s always preferred to claim that is why he shows up like this, that it is sex he is seeking and not something beyond just that. “Nobody is better at cheering me up than you, Kat.”

That part, that part she thinks is true. He turns to her for comfort, even if it’s easier for him to swallow paired with sex. Not that the sex isn’t worthwhile on its own. It definitely is, which is probably part of why she can’t seem to be bothered to try and form any real attachment to something with more potential for stability and commitment. Though how many so called committed relationships between officers has she seen last this long… not many. She and Gabriel have never promised each other anything but that hasn’t stopped either of them from following through on being there.

“No one is less impressed with your bullshitting than me,” she replies but she is already well aware they will end up in bed together tonight.

“I seem to recall you being very impressed with some of the things I can do,” he continues unabashed.

“Gabriel,” she sighs, “Talk to me.”

“Fine. I was upset about not getting that first officer spot so I picked a fight for no good reason and when that didn’t work I came running to you to make me feel better. Does that make you happy?”

“That you are talking to me about it, yes. That you’re hurting and making bad rash decisions, no.”

“I don’t think coming here was a bad decision and I don’t think you really believe it was either.”

He’s right. She let him in and that’s because some part of her narcissistically thinks she’s good for him, that she can help him in ways no one else can.

One of the things I am finding I have to balance in writing them is that Kat is too smart and too knowledgeable on psychology not to recognize the dysfunctional elements of their relationship/dynamic, but at the same time she’s obviously still engaging in it. So this section features both of my ways of dealing with it. The first is when she draws a line by pushing him to talk to her and admit at least a little. She calls him out on his evasion, presses him to talk, because I wanted to show her making these little rules that she tells herself mean she has not lost control. The other is where she openly comments to herself about these red flags she keeps ignoring, like somehow noticing them changes doing them anyway. For example, at the end of this section where she admits her motivation and delusion about helping him to herself. It is my intent here that basically she tells himself if she can name it honestly it’s not out control, just so long as she doesn’t start romanticizing it to herself. That’s also why I have her constantly labeling things: Gabriel “evades”, he “falsely exaggerates”.

I also should probably note that I borrowed heavily from an “un-relationship” that I was (not) in throughout most of my college years and that I was recently reading back through old livejournal entries from that era and remembering what it was like. Specifically I borrowed his “joke” evasions and sexualizing things to avoid places he doesn’t want the conversation to go (which of course Gabriel does on the show when he puts his hand on her knee and changes gears from a serious conversation she’s trying to have to them hooking up), and also the paragraph where she thinks about how even though outwardly their relationship is a “friends with benefits”/”fuckbuddies” relationship with no strings attached it’s actually outlasted most “real” relationships, but especially the fact that they are the person the other can count on for comfort and emotional support. Because, ultimately, the reason that people really keep hooking up with that same person over and over whenever something else isn’t working out or “can’t resist the temptation” is never just about sex/physical attraction in my experience. There is some emotional need getting engaged with there, whether it is sating it or not. And I feel like this is clear to a certain extent in the show with these two. Kat knows Gabriel well enough to recognize he is having a hard time and she comes to help him through it, even in the end when she’s leaving to meet the Klingons she tells him they will figure out a solution together. She was angry and scared when he pulled that phaser on her and she recognizes that he needs more help than just their “friendship” but she is still there for him, whether he appreciates the way she is doing that or not.

As for Gabriel and where his head is at (in my mind) in this section: I think that the more uncomfortable he is the more exaggerated his bravado becomes. It’s a defense mechanism and also it is an attempt to control the scene a bit. So he starts out with the obviously false line about “defending her honor” a joke to deflect her question, but it escalates to something physical as she presses for answers "fingertips trailing down her throat” and then bragging “I seem to recall you being very impressed with some of the things I can do“. It doesn’t work (directly) because Kat knows exactly what he’s doing and he does have to admit weakness, but I feel like he knows that and he admits just enough to satisfy her enough to move on. At the same time, I think Kat is right that he is also coming to her to help him process the feelings he doesn’t want to admit he has about losing out on that post. It is precisely because she will push that he goes to her for support, even though its sort of inappropriate since he lashed out at her earlier.

It’s also inappropriate (on both sides) because he does sort of use her as his therapist and she admits she thinks “that she can help him in ways no one else can”. I say that right after the bit about her pushing; because, its relevant to Gabriel’s canonical ability and willingness to manipulate and fake interactions with counselors. I suspect that the people Starfleet has assigned to trauma/ptsd treatment/evaluation are the “nice” type. Soft, comforting, supportive types who are careful not to upset you further. There are people who need that, who are too raw for anything else. However, I have never done really meaningful for work them. I mean it’s nice for someone to listen to you for an hour, but honestly I have friends and family who will do that. My real growth has come from the type of therapist who calls you out on your bullshit. I feel like Kat is that person, as a counselor but also just as a person in the world. So Gabriel seeking her out (even though he would say it was to have sex) is really a cry for help here.

(If there are any specific questions you have or thing I didn’t mention that you wondered about , feel free to let me know so I can address them directly.)

Also I’m still accepting these, so everyone feel free to send me sections of my own fic to discuss.

#lorca x cornwell #fic commentary meme

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vinayv224 · 5 years ago

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Trump is ignoring his top health advisers over 2020 election fears

Trump speaks at the White House on Monday. | Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images

The US is halfway through Trump’s “15 days to slow the spread,” and he’s already pushing to end it — even with coronavirus cases on the rise.

On day seven of the White House’s “15 days to slow the spread” initiative, President Donald Trump started talking about sending Americans back to work — an idea at odds with advice from his top health advisers.

In a tweet on Sunday, the president said in all capital letters: “AT THE END OF THE 15 DAY PERIOD, WE WILL MAKE A DECISION AS TO WHICH WAY WE WANT TO GO!”

On Monday he retweeted similar opinions as news began to leak that behind the scenes Trump was sharing this view with his advisers, and one of his aides appeared on Fox News to say the same thing.

WE CANNOT LET THE CURE BE WORSE THAN THE PROBLEM ITSELF. AT THE END OF THE 15 DAY PERIOD, WE WILL MAKE A DECISION AS TO WHICH WAY WE WANT TO GO!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 23, 2020

Trump’s eagerness to end social distancing was also a major topic of his marathon news conference on Monday evening. He said he plans to reopen certain parts of the economy “not long after” the 15-day initiative ends, even if his medical and public health advisers don’t agree with him.

“The doctors, if it was up to the doctors, they’d say ‘let’s shut down the entire world,’” Trump said at one point, adding at another that the shutdown “causes other problems, and maybe it causes much bigger problems than the problem we’re talking about now.”

.@kaitlancollins: Did any of the doctors on your team endorse easing the federal guidelines? TRUMP: "Not endorsed." pic.twitter.com/azN4bVbg2Z

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) March 23, 2020

The point of the 15-day initiative was to encourage social distancing to “slow the curve” of the virus and save lives. But as of Monday, there was no sign that the pandemic was slowing. In fact, outbreaks in America are even outpacing some of the worst-hit countries in the world.

Worse, most experts, like Dr. Anthony Fauci, Trump’s most-prominent expert on his coronavirus task force, warn that the pandemic will get worse before it gets better. Experts fear that talk of encouraging people to get back to their normal routines quickly could hamper efforts to slow the pandemic — or even encourage its spread.

Trump, however, indicated on Monday that he thinks people have already learned the necessary lessons — even though he was speaking on the day after single-day coronavirus-related deaths in the country broke 100 for the first time ever.

"We learned so much discipline" -- Trump is talking like the coronavirus pandemic is in the rear view mirror, when in fact America just broke 100 deaths in a single day for the first time. pic.twitter.com/pnmFzN1QxW

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) March 23, 2020

There is a minority opinion — one expressed in particular by economists associated with Trump — that resuming some economic activity after a 15-day period is a worthwhile risk to take. But even the most-aggressive argument emerging from that camp doesn’t compare to Trump’s willingness to send people back to work en masse. It’s clear that with the Dow plummeting and unemployment claims spiking, Trump fears an economic disaster ahead of the 2020 election could doom his prospects. (Trump even posted a retweet suggesting his idea is directly tied to the election.)

Trump’s sudden swing from calling for a 15-day day crackdown, to doubting the science it’s based on less than half-way through, is emblematic of his reckless approach to combating the coronavirus. All signs point to the crisis getting worse — and the man in charge is putting his own political interests before the lives of Americans.

Trump is getting frustrated with the advice of public health experts

On Monday, the president followed up on his previous night’s tweet by retweeting a number of accounts with sketchy handles like @steph93065 that urged him to get people back to work — not only for the sake of the economy, but for his reelection hopes as well.

“15 days. Then we isolate the high risk groups and the rest of us get back to work before it’s all over for everyone!! #Landslide2020,” wrote @FedupMil in a post that was retweeted by the president.

On Monday morning came a slew of news reports that Trump is “itching to scale back social distancing after 15-day period,” as CNN put it. The New York Times reported that “at the White House, in recent days, there has been a growing sentiment that medical experts were allowed to set policy that has hurt the economy, and there has been a push to find ways to let people start returning to work.”

Then came a Fox News appearance from top White House economics adviser Larry Kudlow in which Kudlow echoed points Trump made on Twitter.

“The president is right: The cure can’t be worse than the disease, and we’re gonna have to make some difficult trade-offs,” Kudlow said. “I spoke with the president about this very subject late last evening.”

KUDLOW teases that Trump will try to send people back to work next week: "We can't shut in the economy... POTUS is right: The cure can't be worse than the disease, & we're gonna have to make some difficult trade-offs... I spoke w/ POTUS about this very subject late last evening." pic.twitter.com/OV02aLFGxh

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) March 23, 2020

It’s understandable that the White House is eager to reestablish a sense of normalcy. Experts are now saying that the ongoing curtailment of economic life could produce unemployment levels worse than the Great Depression and an unprecedented shrinkage of GDP.

Trump would obviously have a hard time making a case for his reelection amid that sort of economic carnage. But to the extent he cares about American lives more than his own political future, the responsible thing to do is wait and see — at least until there’s some semblance of improvement, not as cases mount.

The number of US coronavirus cases continues to rise

The whole point of the 15-day program is to prevent the health care system from being overwhelmed by “flattening the curve” of coronavirus cases. But as the following chart indicates, the number of confirmed cases in the US continues to grow at an exponential rate.

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There’s no indication that the number of cases will plateau or start coming down before next week. On the contrary, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio said on Sunday that “it’s only getting worse, and in fact April and May are going to be a lot worse.”

It’s true that many of the US cases are concentrated in especially hard-hit regions like New York City, the San Francisco bay area, and Washington state. One might view that as contributing to an argument for the resumption of normal social and economic life in relatively better-off states like West Virginia or the Dakotas.

But the experience of Hong Kong, where the coronavirus seemed to be under control until a relaxation of social distancing resulted in a second outbreak and even more stringent measures, demonstrates the risk involved in prematurely encouraging people to go back to gyms, bars, and other places where the virus can spread. And the idea there’s much to be gained by reopening businesses in places like Grand Forks, North Dakota while San Francisco remains under lockdown and hospitals are at the verge of overflowing in New York is dubious at best.

Furthermore, while US coronavirus testing capacity has increased in recent days, the country still lags far behind others in terms of tests performed relative to the population — meaning we still don’t have a clear picture of how widely the virus has already spread.

Resuscitating the economy requires getting the virus under control

In the end, the choice Trump seems to think he faces between continuing strict social distancing measures meant at getting the coronavirus under control or ending them in hopes of stopping the economic collapse is a false one.

The latter can’t happen without the former, and the former can’t happen until the number of cases levels off, while more vigorous testing gives experts the tools they need to develop a better picture of how widely the virus has already spread.

Which is to say, even if you care about economic activity as the only value here, it's really not clear that anything like "business as usual" is even a possibility in the midst of a roaring pandemic, even if you let everything stay open.

— Chris Hayes (@chrislhayes) March 23, 2020

Marc Lipsitch, an epidemiology professor at the Harvard TH Chan School of Public Health and director of Harvard’s Center for Communicable Disease Dynamics, told the Washington Post that “every well-informed infectious epidemiologist I know of” thinks that the best way forward in the short term is more restriction, not less.

“We haven’t yet even seen signs that the growth [in coronavirus cases] is slowing, much less reversing. Now is the time to tighten restrictions on contacts that could transmit the virus, not loosen them,” Lipsitch said. “If we let up now we can be virtually certain that health care will be overwhelmed in many if not all parts of the country. This is the view of every well-informed infectious epidemiologist I know of.”

State governors have more authority than Trump to keep people at home, but what Trump says matters. For instance, the national standardization of social distancing measures throughout the country (with some notable exceptions, like beaches in Florida) came shortly after Trump stopped downplaying the gravity of the situation just over a week ago and embraced the “15 days” program.

At the very least, the president should wait until the outbreak is under control before trying to give people hope, because the trajectory of the numbers indicate there’s no good basis for doing so beyond short-term political self-interest. In fact, the quickest route back to some sense of normalcy is to stop the spread of the virus by continuing to encourage people to stay home, even if we have to do so for more than 15 days.

The news moves fast. To stay updated, follow Aaron Rupar on Twitter, and read more of Vox’s policy and politics coverage.

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punkscowardschampions · 6 years ago

Text

Bea & Fraze

A mess

Bea: Hey Bea: Soooo how'd you do end of term? You've finished now too, yeah? Fraze: I did well enough. No doubt you did too. Fraze: Yeah I'm done too Bea: 👏 Congrats! Yeah got a first on my big project, thank God, worked hard enough Bea: Off celebrating tonight then? What you up to? Fraze: Cheers. Nicely done, babe. Knew you would Fraze: 'Course. Whole group of us heading out on a crawl soon. What plans are worthy of a first then? I dread to think Bea: Thanks 🙂 Bea: That'll be fun, probably avoid the mongrel or go there first before the real carnage, ay? Bea: Well, trying to organise something worthwhile but everyone's being useless Bea: I'll make something happen on my own if not, I guess...What else is a girl to do, like? Fraze: No need to thank me, you put the work in as per. Fraze: It's first stop, gotta get all the free drinks flowing in my honor. Charity ain't gonna extend any further and I'm in my overdraft Fraze: If anyone can you'll figure it out, give your brain a final go before the blow out Bea: Not that my victory laps can extend as far as home Bea: Still so much to do, not sure if I'll fit in a flight back, like Bea: Ahh, tis what the overdraft was made for 😉 if it helps ease your pain, sure I'll be buying my own tonight as well 😒 hard old life init Fraze: Can't get the staff. Fraze: Yeah, I should've reckoned on coming your way though, yeah? Begging and borrowing'll be a real fucking mare Fraze: You can do a few days can't you? Work on the flight like Bea: Don't worry about it, there's no need it'll be School's out for Summer next time, so obviously I can be back then, at least for some of it Bea: Enjoy your freedom Bea: Even if it is on limited fundzzz, sure you won't let that stop you Fraze: Yeah Fraze: Goes without saying Fraze: don't put yourself out and I won't worry Bea: What, d'you wanna come and watch me work? You'll be so bored Bea: I'm doing you a favour, trust Fraze: Sounds like it Fraze: Cheers for that Bea: You're welcome Bea: I'd just be knackered, the train to London is bad enough Fraze: Fair enough. Always doing that though, aren't ya? Say hi to Joe for me next time, make it really worth while trip Bea: If I see him, I will Bea: I've not got any friends in Dublin Bea: Hardly think you or your friends want me gatecrashing your plans Bea: think what that'd do for your street cred 😂 Fraze: oh yeah a hot girl on my arm would proper tank it Bea: Would with the other hot girls Bea: Unless homewrecking is their game and I'm not feeling being a party to that Fraze: I don't play games with them so I could care less Fraze: You know I'd survive no need to use me as an excuse for not showing up Bea: How thoughtful of you Bea: Such a gent Bea: It isn't an excuse, though like I want to come back and see that Bea: Can take a look at my syllabus if you don't believe me, fucking hell Fraze: They know what they're getting, so do you Fraze: We've all got shit to do, Bea Fraze: I'm making time to have this convo right now, aren't I? Bea: Excuse me for pointing out I got a shittier deal Bea: Shut up and take it, yeah? I don't think so Bea: No one is making you, I was just making conversation or is that off the cards too now Bea: Okay, good to know Fraze: We made this deal together, don't act like I fucking forced you Fraze: You said yourself that Dublin is shitty for you so how exactly are you the martyr here, living it up in London? Fraze: Don't start, you know exactly what I was trying to say and it ain't that. Fraze: We're both busy, we both wanna pass, if you wanna see me then do Fraze: If you don't, just say it instead of wasting my time Bea: Well, its a good thing we're both getting an education now, isn't it? Bea: You act like I'm there all the time, I hardly ever go out, not like you; one rule for you another for me! Bea: Its not about want, is it Bea: and I've said I can't already so, take that as your answer if you're going to be so pig-headed about it, Fraze Fraze: If you're gonna be such an idiot then yeah, it is. Fraze: I'm not some useless pisshead, but cheers for the vote of confidence Fraze: I don't go out half as much as I want, so nah, it clearly ain't Fraze: Fine. I'll head out now then, yeah? since you're done with me Bea: Don't call me an idiot Bea: Or put words in my mouth Bea: OR put that on me Bea: obviously Uni isn't one long party but that isn't my fucking fault Bea: nor am I saying you shouldn't be going out Bea: Do what you want Fraze: Unless what I want doesn't suit you Fraze: Cheers for the permission to go out though, ma, nice one Bea: Fuck you Bea: Want me to give you a fucking pat on the back for however many sluts you can fuck in a night? Nah Bea: You've got your mates for that Bea: Don't paint me out as some crazy over-protective bitch Bea: I don't have to like it, and I certainly don't have to hear about it Bea: How would you like it? Fraze: Fuck you Fraze: you're pissed at me for wanting to see you, pissed at me for seeing other girls, I can't fucking win with you Fraze: I ain't painting you any way, that's all you. Your words from your mouth Fraze: And I wasn't offering you a peek into my little black book either Fraze: I've never held that over you so you can fuck off for suggesting it Bea: Don't tell me you didn't say things when I can see them right there with my own eyes Bea: You called me your Mum, its hardly complementary Bea: Yeah, best kept secret Bea: That's healthy, that's fun Bea: for fuck's sake Fraze: You see what you wanna see, babe Fraze: It wasn't meant to be. But cheers for calling my ma a crazy bitch like Fraze: You've gotta even more a judgey know it all since you started hanging with that cambs lot, very healthy and fun that Bea: And you believe your own bullshit Bea: I'm not buying Bea: The comparison shouldn't ever enter your head, how fucked up are you? Jesus Christ Bea: Well if I'm so fucking awful why don't you just do it then Fraze: Better than believing yours right now Fraze: How fucked up are you? I was joking 'cause you love telling me what I can and can't do. End of Bea: I haven't told you once what to do Bea: but sure Bea: its all my fault Bea: so do it, stop being a pussy and do it Fraze: stop telling me what to do Fraze: Jesus Christ Bea: You want to Bea: so why don't you? Fraze: You have no fucking clue what I want Fraze: I told you and you still don't Fraze: why don't you listen Bea: well, distance and time apart will do that Bea: why don't you find someone who's clued in? Bea: another one, like Fraze: Fuck's sake, Bea Bea: Don't Fraze: One rule for me, one for you Fraze: Stop it Bea: No Bea: Its too late Fraze: It's not Bea: It is Bea: you're not going to do it so I have to Bea: or its just stalemate and who wants that? Fraze: Bea, don't Bea: S'no big deal, happens to everyone, right? Bea: who makes it nowadays Fraze: Us. We do Fraze: Just stop Bea: Only because I'm letting you cheat on me Bea: we're letting each other, whatever Bea: it shouldn't have to be like this Bea: you'd feel less guilty Fraze: It doesn't have to be like anything Bea: but it is Bea: and i'm sick of it Bea: i need a break Bea: i'm crazy you're right Fraze: I didn't mean that Bea: Regardless Bea: the shoe fits Fraze: It fits me too then, so fucking what? Bea: The what is a why...Why are we doing this to each other? Fraze: You know why Bea: Its hard Bea: and it doesn't make it any easier Fraze: I know Fraze: What do you want me to do? Bea: Be here now Bea: but you aren't, and you can't Fraze: I'll get on a plane right fucking now, then a train as many as it takes Bea: you can't always do that Bea: and shouldn't have to Bea: thought you didn't want to be told what to do? Fraze: Fuck off Fraze: I love you Bea: Promise? Fraze: On my life Bea: Don't Fraze: I do Bea: But don't on your life Bea: I love you too much Fraze: I have to. It's true and you have to know that Fraze: You are my life, Bea. That's it Bea: Exactly Bea: I was meant to let you have a life, have the uni/teenage experience whatever Bea: then see where we stood and I can't even do that Bea: still holding you back from here Fraze: No Fraze: Bullshit. You've never done that. I'm only here studying in the first place 'cause of you Bea: That's not true, you got in on your own merit, don't do yourself down Fraze: Yeah it is and you know that too Bea: Well, you're still passing now and I've been less than helpful Bea: its a miracle I am Fraze: This ain't cambridge, babe Fraze: Or architecture Fraze: You're smart, stop being an idiot. You don't need a miracle you just need to keep working like you have been Fraze: I've not helped with that Fraze: If you seriously want a break from me, say the word, yeah? But don't make it something it ain't. For me or you Bea: Its still an achievement, Cambridge is not the be all end all people make it out to be Bea: degrees a degree and its just a piece of paper that helps us get to where we want, fingers crossed still, like Bea: you should be proud, I am Bea: but I've not been working as hard as I should Bea: Like you said, I'm always in London Bea: that's the real waste... Fraze: You can do this. If you haven't been working hard enough go from now Fraze: There's so much time left Bea: I know but Bea: No Bea: I know Bea: I have to get my shit sorted Fraze: You and me both, babe Fraze: in it together, yeah? Same as always Bea: Yeah Bea: just don't fall in love with any of them okay Fraze: Okay Fraze: I won't if you don't either Bea: Not going to happen Bea: I can assure you Fraze: Good Bea: You idiot Fraze: You love it Bea: Must do Fraze: Go out tonight though, yeah? You deserve to celebrate Bea: Ha, s'not going to be much of a celebration Bea: Isn't like I'm surrounded by friends here either lol Bea: I'm clearly just not made for it, like Fraze: I'll trade you this shower of cunts if you like Fraze: not the be all and end all either I promise you Bea: I know its true, not as if I don't have the opportunities, I just can't fake interest or maintain something that doesn't feel worthwhile Bea: So, not technically missing out Bea: Just...must be nice to be normal Fraze: I'll let you know how it feels if I ever get there Fraze: fuck knows why you'd wanna be normal, everyone in cambs wants to be you babe Bea: Come on, you're normal Bea: Mr. Average in every sense of the word 😉 Bea: too soon to joke? Fraze: come on, you can do better than that Bea: Yeah, true Bea: Currently cussing out Ronnie too, taking up all my bitchy energies, she's needy like that Fraze: Give her a fuck off from me Bea: Its been heavily implied, and returned, naturally 🙄 Bea: Needs must and I need drugs so Fraze: Not enough in all of London to make her bearable Fraze: Fuck that Bea: Not inclined to disagree rn Bea: That's Friday nights for ya Bea: what would it be without the drama Fraze: better Fraze: you've gotta ditch that lot they're doing you no favors Bea: They aren't THAT bad Bea: I can handle them Bea: and myself, for that matter Fraze: I know you can Fraze: Shame they can't handle themselves Bea: Aww babe, they won't appreciate your concern Bea: I think its cute though Fraze: Fuck off Fraze: I'm not concerned I'm ashamed to have 'em on my radar Bea: Well, its not like you've gotta be seen with them Bea: or will be any time soon Bea: much to Charlie's dismay Fraze: Thank Christ Fraze: Watch you don't get seen with 'em too much Bea: I'll do my best to lose the paps that follow me everywhere I go then Bea: I'm sure worse happens under the watchful eye of campus police, I'm golden Fraze: Valid point Bea: I know what I'm doing, babe Fraze: Keep it that way then, yeah? Bea: Don't tell me what to do Bea: Ha Fraze: Hilarious Fraze: Don't tell me not to give a shit it's too late for that Bea: You're dramatic Bea: What do you take me for? Bea: Insulting Fraze: You said yourself you've gotta sort your shit out Bea: Charming Bea: You didn't have to be so ready to agree Bea: I'm not doing anything wrong Bea: Anything you don't do yourself Fraze: I'm just looking out for you, babe Bea: I don't need you to Bea: Thanks very much Fraze: Tell me something I don't know Fraze: I'm not saying you do Bea: Then why persist Fraze: You know that answer too Bea: I know what you'd say but I don't think I agree with your reasoning Fraze: Do or don't, it is what it is Bea: No, it isn't when its MY life Bea: I'm not a fucking pet project for you Fraze: Of course you're not Fraze: What are you getting mad at me for? Bea: Because I'm not a little girl who needs saving Bea: Fuck! Bea: Because that's all I am to you Bea: STILL Fraze: You've never been that to me Fraze: Don't be stupid Bea: Bullshit Bea: Just keeping me around to fuel some kind of fucked up hero complex Fraze: You're the one chatting bullshit Fraze: For some who doesn't wanna be treated like a kid you're determined to act like one Bea: So clearly what you want Bea: Or you're just a prick talking down to me like I don't know life Bea: I know as much as you Bea: More Bea: Want to be clued in? Of course not, no one wants to hear that shit, not even my fucking 'hero' Fraze: Fuck's sake Fraze: You're a genius yeah? Happy now Bea: No Bea: Obviously not Fraze: Go get high then, that'll sort it Bea: Better than anything you've got to offer Fraze: Clearly Fraze: Don't let me keep you, off you fuck like Bea: Already am, don't flatter yourself that this was anything more than whiling away a train journey Fraze: Wouldn't dream of it, babe Bea: Sure we'll catch up next time I'm in town Bea: won't that be fun Fraze: Can't wait Bea: Toodles!

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evansclinchy · 8 years ago

Text

A supposedly fun thing I'll probably do forever

One of my favorite pieces of writing I've ever come across - perhaps my very favorite - was a lengthy essay that the late, great David Foster Wallace wrote a long time ago about tennis. Well, he wrote many. To be more specific, this one was entitled "Tennis Player Michael Joyce's Professional Artistry as a Paradigm of Certain Stuff about Choice, Freedom, Discipline, Joy, Grotesquerie, and Human Completeness"; it was originally commissioned by Esquire in 1995, later republished in his essay collection, "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again" in 1997 and popped up again on Esquire's website shortly after Wallace's death in 2008. In 2016, it found its way into another anthology, "String Theory: David Foster Wallace on Tennis," released in May.

It's odd that I hold this particular piece of writing so dear, as I've never really been into tennis, at least not as anything more than a casual fan. And if you ask most readers, his piece on Michael Joyce isn't even considered his good tennis piece; Wallace the tennis writer is much better known for his "Roger Federer as Religious Experience," which ran in The New York Times Magazine in 2006. That was a once-in-a-generation writing talent at the peak of his powers chronicling a once-in-a-generation tennis talent at the peak of his, and there's nothing quite like witnessing greatness and greatness converge. That's what gets me about "Tennis Player Michael Joyce," though. It's not about greatness at all. Michael Joyce retired with a career record of 46–67 and only once advanced past the second round of a Grand Slam tournament. Wallace didn't write about him to profile someone great; rather, he was exploring what it's like to be good-but-not-quite-elite at something. He was probing into that weird gray area between futility and immortality, and I've always been fascinated by what he found. To me, the most profound line in the piece has nothing to do with tennis, at least not specifically. It's more of a general musing. "You are invited to try to imagine what it would be like to be among the hundred best in the world at something," Wallace writes. "At anything. I have tried to imagine; it's hard."

In the summer of 1995, Michael Joyce was the 79th-best tennis player in the world. Wallace dedicated 9,800-some-odd words, not including his trademark bevy of footnotes, to exploring the essence of his 79th-ness. He focuses on one match in particular - played early in the qualifying rounds of the '95 Canadian Open between Joyce and a college kid named Dan Brakus, whom Wallace describes as "a very good tennis player." Brakus is good but overmatched. He can serve 118 miles per hour; Joyce, meanwhile, can return that serve and then stay two steps ahead of Brakus the rest of the way, perfectly reading the geometry of each shot and outmaneuvering him point after point. "It's like watching an extremely large and powerful predator," Wallace writes, "get torn to pieces by an even larger and more powerful predator."

Joyce, meanwhile, is just as overmatched if not far more so when he takes on a real world-class player - like, say, Andre Agassi. It becomes apparent after a while that Joyce is a bit obsessed with the superiority of Agassi, who was in the midst of a 30-week run as the world's No. 1 player at the time. The word "Agassi" shows up 46 times in Wallace's profile, remarkable given that the profile isn't of him. Joyce spends his entire life pursuing greatness at tennis, yet he remains keenly aware the whole time that there's someone else on another level entirely, a level that he'll never reach. "Every once in a while," Wallace writes, "Joyce will look over at his coach next to me in the player-guest section of the grandstand and grin and say something like, 'Agassi'd have killed me on that shot.'" You get the sense that everything Joyce does is calibrated against this impossible standard. It's unreasonable and maybe borderline insane to compare yourself to the world's No. 1 at anything when you're No. 79, but Joyce seems unable to help himself. Among the Dan Brakuses of the world, Joyce is a god, but he always seems to have one eye on the bigger names above him. He's hopelessly stuck in the middle, and he's devoted every fiber of his being to reaching that middle.

So.

I play Scrabble. This is something I've put a great deal of my time and energy into for the last decade; my 10-year anniversary is coming up in May. It's something I've gotten pretty good at, all things considered. Of the 161,293 entries in Collins Scrabble Words between two and nine letters long, I've learned damn close to all of them (though plenty fall through the cracks in my brain, often at inopportune times), and strategically, I've developed a pretty good sense of what I'm doing (though lapses happen, and they can be quite ugly). I try to be self-aware about my aptitude and skill for the game and to stay honest about my abilities without being arrogant or - arguably worse - falsely modest. Right now, I'm ranked as the 36th-best player on Earth. This feels right to me. I'm confident I can beat most everyone outside of the top 40 consistently; I'm also mindful of how thoroughly outclassed I still am by many of those above me. Like Michael Joyce, I'm stuck in the middle.

Over the last eight months, give or take, I've come to realize how frustrating it can be when you're stuck in that good-but-not-quite-elite zone in Scrabble. To wit, I've had a string of good-but-not-quite-elite finishes at big events, dating back to mid-2016. At the national championship, I ranked second with two rounds to play, needing just one win to hold onto that spot for good; I went 0-2 and slipped to fourth. At the world championship, eight players cracked the playoffs, and I was competing in the eighth-place game in the final round; I lost and fell all the way to 16th. At a pair of mid-major tournaments in December, I went to sleep on the final night in first place; both times, I woke up the next morning and was beaten back down to second. At another pair in March, I suffered blowout losses in the late rounds that knocked me out of contention. Outcomes like this hurt, but they're also par for the course in my position. When you're almost the best player but not quite, you're sure to have plenty of results that reflect that.

These results are painful in and of themselves, but they're made even more so by all the effort it takes to achieve them. Being good-but-not-quite-elite is hard. You have to be born with a certain degree of aptitude to reach that level, sure, but a whole lot more than 36 people on Earth have that aptitude. The other pieces of that puzzle are a lot of hard work, a lot of mental energy and, frankly, a quite deliberate rejiggering of one's priorities in life. It's hard (impossible?) to reach the almost-top level of Scrabble without diverting a good deal of time and focus away from other things that are probably far more worthwhile. All of this just to be 36th, reaping all of the sort-of-glory-but-not-really-glory that comes with that.

Wallace writes at length about this same problem manifesting in Michael Joyce - and more broadly, in everyone who plays tennis at the same level. He argues that in a way, the problem is all of our collective faults for creating this culture - one in which we praise players for their successes while largely ignoring the process that makes them possible.

"Americans revere athletic excellence, competitive success, and it's more than lip service we pay; we vote with our wallets. We'll pay large sums to watch a truly great athlete; we'll reward him with celebrity and adulation and will even go so far as to buy products and services he endorses. But it's better for us not to know the kinds of sacrifices the professional-grade athlete has made to get so very good at one particular thing. Oh, we'll invoke lush clichés about the lonely heroism of Olympic athletes, the pain and analgesia of football, the early rising and hours of practice and restricted diets, the preflight celibacy, et cetera. But the actual facts of the sacrifices repel us when we see them: basketball geniuses who cannot read, sprinters who dope themselves, defensive tackles who shoot up with bovine hormones until they collapse or explode."

To equate my own struggle with those of any of the athletes Wallace alludes to above would be foolish. Obviously. I'm no hero, and luckily I can read decently well and need no performance-enhancing drugs. But on a smaller, less dramatic scale, I understand the rhetoric there and can relate to it. I think a lot about my sacrifices. I think about what I could have done with all the hours I've spent studying dictionaries and analyzing games. I ponder the choices I may have made differently if I'd prioritized "real life" more and focused less on preparing for the next tournament. There were job opportunities I didn't bother to pursue because I wanted more time to study (and more freedom to travel to tournaments). There were, to be candid, romantic relationships I allowed to stagnate because I wasn't as focused on them as I could have been.

I don't have any regrets, per se. My life's decisions are what they are, and they've made me who I am. I like myself, mostly. But this stuff is still interesting to think about.

It resonates with me when Wallace goes into depth about the impact of the sacrifices the Michael Joyces of the world make - specifically, how they tend to narrow the individual's worldview and dull his personality. He references the "vapid and primitive" quotes that athletes give in postgame interviews as a symptom of this - sporting people speak in dull clichés, he argues, not because they're stupid, but because they've channeled their intelligence into one very specific thing. This makes them great at that thing, but at what cost? That's the question. Wallace describes this life choice as "consent to live in a world that, like a child's world, is very small." I find it hard to dispute this.

I submit that in Scrabble, this world is even smaller. At least on the tennis court, you're playing a game that has some sort of connective tissue with the outside world. Millions of people have played tennis at least semi-avidly and developed an understanding for its complexity. Millions have also watched Federer on TV and seen the awesomeness of his abilities. They know he's on another level because they've seen it firsthand. They've watched him work his magic and thought to themselves, "Wow, I could never do that." Scrabble is different because so few people in this world can (or, should I say, choose to) grasp or contextualize what it means to achieve expertdom. The work that goes in behind the scenes - the countless hours of studying and analyzing - is anonymous and thankless and understood by painfully few. There aren't many people who know the drudgery of reinforcing for the 87th time that the word in AEGIMNSV is VEGANISM, or poring over the results of 2-ply simulations and reasoning out why this play is better than that one. And why should they? It takes a lot of discipline to keep learning words and a lot of self-flagellation to continually question your strategic thinking and challenge yourself to improve. Sometimes, this journey is exhilarating; other times, it's just lonely.

It's not that nobody understands the highs and lows you go through - but those who do, you're trying to kick their asses. That's the paradox here. There aren't many people out there who can fully, empathetically understand what it takes to win at Scrabble, and there aren't many who genuinely feel 100 percent happy for you when you win. The number of people who fit in both categories at once is mighty close to zero. So who are you playing for? Who, if anyone, are you trying to impress?

When describing the scene of a Canadian Open qualifying match, played between the world's 79th-best player and someone else below that level, Wallace writes that "The applause of a tiny crowd is so small and sad and tattered-sounding that it'd almost be better if people didn't clap at all." This sentence is depressing but wonderfully written, and it feels applicable across the board. It might be the Qualies in Montreal or Table 4 at the Nationals - the logic works just the same.

The difference is that the guy in the Qualies is playing for a chance to graduate from the Qualies and be something more. Wallace makes a point of the fact that even some of the all-time great tennis players began their careers in those sad, seemingly inconsequential play-in matches - even Pete Sampras, before he became Pete Sampras, had to compete at the Qualies level at first. There's a sense of satisfaction, I imagine, that tennis players feel when they make that climb from good to transcendent. But in Scrabble, what is there to transcend? Even if you're Nigel Richards - and last I checked, only one person alive is he - what are you fighting for? To prove to a small cadre of people who have mastered something that you've mastered it even better?

Plenty of people have given compelling reasons why they play. They play because they love the game and they love the people in it. The enjoyable gameplay and enduring friendships keep them coming back. That's all well and good, but it's not what I'm asking. There's why you play, and there's why you compete. They're two entirely different questions. That might seem to some like a small distinction, but it's one that's changed my life.

There's no shortage of past top players who have walked away because they've hit a wall and lost the desire to continue competing. One famously wrote in the early 1990s that he was quitting because "there's little satisfaction in beating someone whom one should beat regularly." More recently, one expert penned that "There are virtually no extrinsic motivators in Scrabble" while walking away; another quipped that "It's a law of diminishing returns," putting in more and more time to make less and less progress up the ladder. All of these are valid complaints, and compelling reasons to give the game up.

Me, I acknowledge all of the above statements to be true - and yet for some perverse reason, I use them to justify why I'm still here. A shrink would have a field day with this. Even though the games start to blur together and the results often feel proforma, I keep playing. Even though there's very little to keep motivating me - and almost certainly not enough to justify the amount of time I put in - I keep working at it. Why? I'm really not sure. At the risk of begging the question, playing Scrabble is what I do because it's what I do. I've come this far over the last 10 years, and turning back just doesn't feel right. I've already irreparably warped my life to center it around this dumb game; I might as well make the most of this bizarre situation.

At the end of his long essay, after a brief interlude to reflect on watching a few of tennis' bigger names like Jim Courier and Michael Chang and Mats Wilander, Wallace returns to his discussion of Michael Joyce. His closing paragraph describes Joyce as "a complete man, though in a grotesquely limited way." He asserts that "already, at twenty-two, it's too late for anything else; he's invested too much, is in too deep. I think he's both lucky and unlucky. He will say he is happy and mean it. Wish him well."

Those last three words - "wish him well" - have always haunted me a bit. It's unclear whether they're meant as a statement of Wallace's personal sentiment (as in, "I wish him well") or an imperative to the reader ("You should wish him well"). Wallace weaves back and forth between the personal narrative and the persuasive argument, and I've never been sure of what note he closes on here. But no matter. The point is that when you devote seemingly your whole life to a given pursuit, be it tennis or Scrabble or whatever else, it has a strange way of making your life feel both complete and incomplete. It's immensely gratifying yet intensely painful. At this point, I think that's the feeling I'm stuck with. Wish me well, if you care to. I'm not sure what difference it will make. I plan to continue on, until I inevitably someday collapse or explode. Or, you know, maybe something a bit less apocalyptic. We'll see.

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